The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Spot the ball

Episode Date: November 11, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Guy Fawkes, spot the ball and Brother Love AKA Love.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is the magnificent Frank Skinner with... Hello! I don't get myself enough... Adjectives? Adjectives, yeah. I like adjectives. Yeah, I do. Is that what it was?

That's a bit rude. We'll carry on. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15. Simple as that. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Yes, via.

Yeah. Not scared of Latin this early. Okay. So, that's Bonfire Night out the way. Yeah. Oh, did you enjoy it? Not a fan. Well, you know, I'm not a fan because it's a celebration of Catholic oppression,

but I actually did go to a bonfire party, and I thought, what about this for a clever move? I went to one at a Catholic school. Oh, fine. I thought they're going to take the edge off it. Yeah. And did they? Well, what do they do? Do they throw a slightly reluctant party?

No, they burnt an effigy of the Reverend Ian Paisley. No, they didn't. I would have walked out. Eventually. Frank, I'm not a fan of the fireworks these days because of the puppy. He doesn't like the bonfire night.

Oh, no, they don't like it. My neck can't take it anymore either. How does he feel about Catholic oppression, the puppy? Is he fine with that? He's got complicated views on that, which I'll share with you afterwards. Well, it's like when women go to Stringfellows. Right. Whoa, what's happening here?

No, no. Probably nice chat about bonfire night Stringfellas I think you articulated the exact thought When women go to Stringfellas People think, whoa, what's happening here? That's exactly it No, but it's like

That's how I feel As a Catholic going to a bonfire I just think, you know This is not really for me And I'm not sure I approve But here I am No, I understand what you mean You do now, I understand what you mean.

You do now. I've explained it. Okay, let's just put our cards on the table. The producer's got her mouth open in an O shape. Well, we'll leave it there. But you know what I've said? One thing they didn't do, they didn't have a guy. What's the bigot, Frank?

If you don't have a guy, it's just a bonfire. Sounds like string fellows. Yeah, exactly. Why don't they have a guy? Well, because they're trying to take that aspect out of it. Take the burning of people out of it. So it's a PC bonfire night? Well, I don't know if it's, It's more of an RC bonfire night.

But they... I'll tell you what, I've said this to you before when I went camping, but I love a bonfire. Right. I mean, I could just watch one for an hour. I did watch one for about 40 minutes. It's a really lovely fire.

Or as the French say, a bonfire. Oh, yeah. A very mesmerising bonfire. Yeah. They are. And this was so hot because it was an absolute... Oh, lovely. This was a...

Was it a scorcher? It was at St Edward's School in Cheltenham. Right. And it was all pallets. Oh. Get the air in there you know, reeling, roaring and me and

my five year old child stood transfixed and I could feel the heat from it we both looked a little bit like Sir Alex Ferguson at the end of it but it was genuine I like Frank's description of discovering fire for the first time.

I know, it's at late review. Fire. Fire is hot. It's hot and slightly transfixing. It has made me think, you know, there's people that burn down their schools and stuff, which I've always thought that was unacceptable. And I still think it is.

Mostly. But now I think I could counsel them, because I know the lure. Right. Well, Frank, this is why Peter the Wild enjoyed the fires so much. And did you eat onions like Peter the Wild? Oh, Peter the Wild. Is it Kim Wild?

No. Peter the Wild. Although she's a keen gardener, so she probably does have the up on fire, doesn't she? She probably does. I didn't know Kim Wild. Peter the Wild, a friend of the show, does have the up on fire, doesn't she? She probably does. I didn't know Kim was... Peter the Wilder, friend of the show, he used to... That was one of his hobbies, wasn't it?

He would stare at fires and eat onions. Eat onions and sing songs with no tune or something like that. I maintain that he'd been to a hypnotist. I'm sure. I mean, what you've described there is somebody that's seen a stage hypnotist. We should say that he was the sort of a member of the court of George I, was he? Correct. He was one of the Georges, I know.

Peter the Wild. Unfortunately, there's an aspect in which he had to wear a leather collar. Which, to me, has always dragged the whole... drags the story down a bit. Before that, you know, he's just a bloke who hangs out. In the days when the royal family was somewhat crueler, perhaps. Yeah, exactly. Well, yeah,

they were more up front about it. Who knows how many people are in leather straps at the palace. You've got to wonder, haven't you? They've turned a few pages in their time. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Somebody that I used to know,

Got Ye, Got Ye, Got Ye would be the headline. Goiter, I thought it was. If they'd sung a battleship in medieval times, the headline in the sun, ye olde sun would have been got ye. Or maybe it's pirate, pirates sunk a battleship. Got ye.

Got ye. Ah, pirates. I like that nostalgia for the pirates. Do you miss them, Frank? I'm surprised they've become so popular with young children considering their background. Yeah. Maybe they don't understand the full ramifications.

I don't think they do. They don't mind the pirates. I suppose it's to, you know, get them used to... Yeah. ..that they live in a world of variety and people come from all sorts of backgrounds and you know you are what you are

The Pirate had excellent PR they were branded as these sort of fun pantomime characters well in fact they were ruthless in the extreme quite a dark underside wasn't they there you go, another late review that's fire and

piracy we've covered this morning. We're going to go right back to Adam and Eve today. We're taking this decade's thing now. It's the 5th century. We're getting there, Frank. So, I'll tell you what, it wasn't just a

bonfire. I don't think it was just a bonfire at St Edward's School. There was no guy, there was no sort of pretend guy or like a different... Do you mean no pretend guy as opposed to the normal real person? Some people have a Guy Fawkes and some people have like a celebrity that's been in the news that they sort of, you know, make a...

Do they burn? Oh, they don't get burned, do they? They do, yeah, yeah. I was going to say that'll be a big bonfire this year. Yeah, it could be. That's part of my concern. What I don't get burnt, do they? They do, yeah, yeah. I was going to say, that'll be a big bonfire this year. Yeah, it could be. That's part of my concern. What I don't like about the guy is the stomach area. Because what they do is they cram the legs full of, what is it, straw?

Newspaper. Newspaper, yeah. That sort of stuff. But the stomach goes all baggy and loose. I don't like it. Well, I can't. It's sort of gone now. There's a hat on it.

Penny for the Guy has sort of gone. Has it? Yeah, it's been replaced by Trick or Treat, I think. Oh, OK. But Penny for the Guy, I remember, a lasting image of my childhood is those kids who couldn't be bothered. You'd often see a teddy bear with a jumper on.

And people saying, depending for the guy, I think, meh. I think that's your brother's jumper and teddy bear. I have a memory of somebody just putting a mate in a wheelbarrow and saying that that was the guy. And you go, you can't do that. There needs to be a maid thing that's going on the floor.

I would have taken them up on it and said, well, is he going to be burnt? Do you think Guy Fawkes' mates did that? How early did he get? If they were to have a penny for a guy with the, let's face it,

mutilated corpse via governmental torture of Guy Fawkes, would people have said too soon? You know, considering he was like a public hate figure guy folks

how long did they have to leave before they could start asking for a penny 8, 12, 15 these are good questions someone will know the history of begging in England someone will have done a dissertation on it

I wouldn't mind reading that, begging. Special section on dogs. Yeah. You know, that sitting up with the hands out thing? I say hands. Yeah, you do. But not strictly speaking. That. Yeah. I'd say what I've often

wondered, is it okay to call those things, you know, they're sort of elbows, dogs. The dogs? Oh yes. Mine's got lovely elbows. Little ping pong ball elbows. Yes. Are they elbows? Or are they knees?

They're joints, aren't they? But can you have an elbow if you don't have an arm? Oh. That's a very good question. Well, 8 8.12.15. That was You Want to Know by Alanis Morissette. I bet her dad was called Alan. Oh, yeah. One of those egomaniacs who has to name the kids after himself. And if it's a girl, he thinks

oh. And then he changes it to her and just makes up a line. Yes, the Victorian tradition. Ernestina. Is that a real name? What about George Foreman? I think he had eight kids and they're all called George or Georgette or Georgina. That was brilliant though.

Brilliant. Alan! It, though. Brilliant. Alan. It would have been Alan. It's Alan. Do you know, you get that on the X Factor, a very run-of-the-mill name called in a dramatic way. What do you mean? It's Alan.

What do you mean run-of-the-mill name? I'm sorry. You know I'm here, don't you? Sorry, I forgot. I forgot. That my name's Alan? You don't get many babies called Alan these days. No. Whoa.

No, I'm just being honest, you don't. There's a kid in my son's class called Alan, he's only five. All of my kids are called Alan. Alan Junior and Alanis, that's what I've got. Next gen. Yeah, next gen. Hey, Frank, you've lit up the switchboard with your discussion of dog's elbows. Dog's elbows, Open brackets question mark

close brackets. They've gone elbow crazy. Guy Garvey's ears will be burning. People are interested and I think it's one of those things where they know the answer and we've heard from many vets vet nurses. Oh really? I'll round it

all up into one informative one. 231 has texted, they are still classed as elbows as it is based on the bones that make up the joint, the elbow joint being the radius, ulnar and humerus. So, but that, doesn't that make their legs arms? I think... Not according to these veterinarians. Okay.

The elbows in the foreleg. No, the elbow is the joining of those bones, which can be in their legs, I guess. See, I once read a thing, I think it was about Hitler. I think, I'm not making this up for effect, it was in the Daily Mail. Right. And it said that he died in the arms of his Alsatian.

Blondie? Yes. And I said that he died in the arms of his Alsatian. Blondie? Yes. And I thought, well, are they arms? Paws. He died in the paws of his Alsatian. The paw's on the extremity, though, isn't it? The whole thing is in the paw. Yeah.

But if you said that Hitler had died in the legs of his Alsatian, suddenly it's a different image. That would be a very different story. It's a different image. That would be Blondie's rear end, yeah. All together. Of course, the elbows wasn't such an important joint in Nazi Germany.

No. Lovely. They tend to go for the straight arm. So are we suggesting here that dogs have front arms and back legs? Front arms! Is that what we're saying? Dogs' arms.

Back arms would be a good thing to have. Oh, I'd love that. I suppose chimpanzees have got back arms. Do they? Oh. They've got hands. I know what you mean. Oh, this is such a complicated...

Anyway, I can safely, I can say a dog's got an elbow. It's official. I think you can, yeah. Okay. I think they've got more than one, in fact. You know what, I will. Pirates, fires think they've got more than one you know what I will pirates fires

the physiology of the chimp yeah I love this morning so I had to go at you know

you have stalls at these now at the bonfire events so I had to go what sort of stalls well in the one I had to go on

you had to throw you remember those robber chickens that used to feature a lot in any sort of comedy thing? Some spitting image, I think. Didn't they utilize them, I think? A chicken song. You had to throw one of them into a bin.

Okay. And then you could pick a price. So you had three goes. So Boz had had a go at a couple of stalls and it hadn't gone well. And I thought this is the moment. What do you do? He wants a prize but I want him to join in.

Who actually throws the chickens? So in the end we agreed I'd throw the chickens so he could get the prize. So I threw first chicken straight in the bin. So proud of you. Second chicken straight in the bin. Great. One for one. So proud of you. Second chicken straight in the bin. Oh.

Come on. Come on. Third chicken just hit the edge. Oh. Fail throw. Oh. Oh, fail throw. Thank you.

But, do you know, all night, even though I'd only got one prize. So hang on. Star Wars panoramic jigsaw. That's not bad. Did you have to get all three chickens in the bin? No, you only had only got one prize. So hang on. Star Wars panoramic jigsaw. That's not bad. Did you have to get all three chickens in the bin? No, you only had to get one in. Oh, come on, you did brilliantly. Now you say that, but all night, the one I didn't get in was on my mind.

Even though I only needed one. Completely ignoring the advice of Meatloaf. Right. Yes. Two out of three three I'm back. But no, it really, oh,

I just kept thinking, oh, it's just, if I just, I wasn't holding it right. You know what, I got two and I got complacent.

Didn't get set up, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't get an extra prize, but I just, if my son had seen me get three chickens in the bin.

Oh. Yeah, but you know, that's why, that's why you got the big box. I wasn't even there and I feel like

I'm going to replay that moment all the rest of this show. The one, the one that didn't get, the one that got away. why you got the big bucks. I wasn't even there and I feel like I'm going to replay that moment all the rest of this show. The one that got away. The one that got away. The chicken in the bin. I think Meatloaf was thinking about the fact that he left one of the pies. One of the three pies he'd been given. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Did you think that Meatloaf, that he... Mentionitis. That he feels that vegetarianism isn't really an option for him? What, with the name? Yeah, because wouldn't it be... There was probably a time in his life when he thought...

He's maybe seen, I don't know, someone slaughtered. And he thought to himself, oh, that's appalling, I'll give up meat. And then he thought, oh, I can't really. I can't change my name to Nutloaf. No, exactly. Painted himself into a corner in some way. Yeah.

A meat corner. I love a meat corner. No, exactly. Painted himself into a corner in some way. A meat corner. I love a meat corner. Is there a vegetarian meatloaf? Is that a thing? Well, no. It's vegetarian everything now, isn't there? I think the not-cotlet is what you're after. Sounds like it'd be all right.

I'll tell you what was brilliant. There was a magician on at the magic show. As soon as they said to me there's a magician on, I thought I would not go on to perform at this for, well, I'm trying to think of something I haven't performed.

At the bonfire, there was a... So there was a tiny stage where they had like a DJ and then they said, we've got a magician in a minute. I thought, oh,

my heart goes out to him. Hang on, so this was outside? Yeah. It was a bonfire inside? Outdoors. No, it was all outdoors.

Outdoors and with a huge fire as a backdrop. Well, they hadn't lit the fire at this stage. Oh, okay. You can't compete with the fire. I was just thinking it would steal focus. I was thinking they've got no effigy if I was him. So he came on. Did he have music?

Whenever I, I don't think he did. Whenever I go to these events like kids parties I always my heart breaks for the performers if they're not yeah and the kids

were a bit cheeky and he said a few times you know when people they don't they don't completely keep up the facade of the show

he said you know I was expecting a much bigger stage than this he said that a couple of times. Oh, no. You've got to keep that inside. Don't reveal

the tragic underbelly. No. And these kids were getting, like, you know, a bit cheeky with him. I have to say there's something very compulsive about suppressed rage. When it's combined with a colourful waistcoat.

Yes. Get a waistcoat with stars on, which is all about life and vitality. And he was, well, I can't believe this is happening. But he battled on bravely. God bless him. But I did, I wanted to get on and say, come on, people.

Were the tricks good? I don't remember. You don't remember, OK. I don't Were the tricks good? I don't... You don't remember, OK. Well, there you go. No, I think they were all right. There was lots of, you know, it's a coloured handkerchief. Oh, OK, yeah. Yeah, I think there was nothing wrong with his act.

It was just, it was unwise. Good for the children, though, that sort of thing. The headline act was a hard one to beat, the bonfire. But the problem is, he said, they're going to, the bonfire. But the problem is he said, they're going to light the bonfire and then I'll be back on. Oh. And he didn't come back.

You can't follow a fire. No. Not in short business. A tour fan has to follow. Can you imagine going on at the comedy store after a bonfire? Not at all. Awful.

No, it's... It's hard enough after a music act. People are going to miss the... They're going to be expecting you to generate a certain amount of heat. Yeah. Yeah. No, I did, though. So many people out there, you know, slogging a living on stage.

Yeah. There ought to be some sort of a home. What, for entertainers? Yeah, I think there is, isn't there, for retired entertainers? There's a lovely one, actually. Have you been there? No, I haven't,

but we have some friends who went there. There you go. Lovely story. I actually think there'll be a few vacant rooms there. They do have in this home, they have stars in each bedroom. Oh, nice. She's lovely.

On the doors, do you mean? Yeah, stars on the doors. Oh, great no she's lovely on the doors yeah stars on the doors great well that's something for me to look forward to absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio um oh we were still at the bonfire night. Yeah. Oh, I tell you what, I did have a... I was having a conversation with someone this week at the theatre before my show. Lovely. And we had a bit of a... Oh, yeah.

Spot the ball. Oh. Does that still exist? I don't think it does. I don't think... It was absolutely a central part of my growing up. Well, the producer has just mouthed, what is it? What is Spot the Ball?

Spot the Ball used to be a picture of a football, a sort of wide picture of a football match taking part. And you got, I think it was 10 Xs, or you got more Xs depending on how much money you paid. And you would mark where you thought the ball was. Yeah. Now, the idea was that it had been, this was, I don't know what they call Photoshop in the 70s,

but the idea is that they'd taken out the actual ball and you had to guess where it was, judging from your football knowledge. But Robert, who lived next door to me, and you had to guess where it was, judging from your football knowledge and where people... But Robert, who lived next door to me, he absolutely maintained that the ball was in the picture and that you had to study it religiously to find it. Did he never complete one? He honestly had a magnifying glass and it was always a fan's head that he'd say,

look, there it is. It's just a lot. No, that's a fan's head. The ball's wearing glasses. But he was absolutely insistent that it was cool. I mean, to be fair to him, spot the ball does suggest that it is there. Yes.

Yeah, really, the game should have been called replace the ball or find the ball that we've removed. Well, you're using an X You're not even putting a spot Obviously cross the ball is going to be just confusing But it was strange because as you say You would imagine it required some basic football knowledge But it was mainly nannas who did it

Yeah it was Who in those days weren't such big frequenters I remember it was a common debate amongst people about whether it was actually the ball was in the picture at all. If it had ever been in the picture. That's a conspiracy theory up there with the Kennedy. Somebody told me they just ran at the Sports Argus, which was our local sport, they just had a long needle

which they ran through it through all the entries and if there's any cross that fell exactly on where the needle had gone through, they won. I like the person who bothered to come up with that conspiracy theory. I want to know what happened to the spot the ball

needle. Surely that would be in some sort of journalism museum. Along with my spotted in heat this week. That's the kind of thing that... Frank Skinner getting into a car in Camden. Is that a genuine heat story? These are the people who produced the Watergate

expose. So I'll spot the ball. It's very old. It was before my... I think it started in ancient Rome. Oh yeah. That was a long time ago. Spot the ball. It's very old. It was before my... I think it started in ancient Rome. Oh, yeah. That was a long time ago. Spot the gall.

It was called. It'd be a picture of the Roman marketplace. Yeah. No, but it was... Oh, hold on. Are you having a scratch, darling? I've got one of me itches. You have a scratch.

I'll read you a text. Go on. We had a confirmation of my theory that in the 70s... I'll tell you, 377 has texted, Morning, Frank, we put my sister in a pushchair in the 70s and dressed her like a guy, as in a penny for the guy. Just took her out as a human statue, if you like.

Oh, I see. And knocked on doors, penny for the guy. So I was right. I'm sure it used to be... Well, that's I was right. I'm sure it used to be... Well, that's just straightforward begging. I'm sure it used to be a kind of a laziness. I can't be bothered to make a guy, but I've got a person in a sort of a...

And we've also had a text from 629 saying, pirates were egalitarian and voted for their captain and were consulted on their raids. Oh, OK. Wasn't that a show of hooks? Yeah, I think so. Oh, OK. Wasn't that a show of hooks? Yeah, I think so. Oh, dear. I bet there was a lot of empty beds in the coma ward

during Penny for the Guy. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

We're talking about Spot the Ball this morning on Absolute Radio in the year of our Lord 2017. Ian Botterill has been in touch. Spot the Ball on motorcycles still going strong in Motorcycle News Monthly. That is a fabulous piece of inside information. I've never seen that. Well, I've got it right in front

of me. I mean, I've occasionally flicked through Motorcycle News, but not Motorcycle News Monthly, I don't think. I might retweet it on our social so our readers can see it. So there's a picture of the actual, I didn't even know it was a sport. I don't quite get it there's some it looks to be some something of a retro picture and they're on these bikes and there's a there's a ball in the middle it's extraordinary anyway people playing football on bikes i don't really understand it they're kicking the ball around using the wheels

of the bikes okay that sounds dangerous could you ask the gentleman to reply and make it clearer what he's talking about? Is that possible? And also, in other news, another reader called Charlie72, my neighbour once bought the ball when we were kids, £111,000 and two cars.

Whoa. She gave every kid... And two cars? And two cars. She gave every kid a pound or a chocolate orange. That is amazing. The chocolate orange. Was it a closing downside?

It's spot the bully. Two cars. What about them two cars? Give her them as well. Yeah, chuck them in. What are we going to do with her? £110 in two cars. Brilliant.

Chocolate orange is such a great 70s gift to give people you know what I like about that story is that it doesn't sound like there was a lot of resentment about the 111 grand and the two cars

it sounds more like there was gratitude about everyone in the street got a quid that's great isn't it whereas now people would be like what did she do

with the two cars do you think she extended a strap from me to the steering wheels and rode between them like Boudicca put one of them on the road that was a foot on each no she would have kept them frank like lotto layout they just keep them in the front and work on them endlessly yeah that's what you do

drive it around the grounds um we've not that's not the only spot the ball winner we've heard about um 995 has texted spot the ball wasn't spot the ball a case of gambling on an event that had already taken place illegal and therefore a panel of experts had to decide where they thought the ball was most likely to be was what had to be matched yeah but how did they get that big picture of a football match where people leaping in the air with no ball on it. Well, that's what I think. They removed it. I think it was all a scam.

The experts had to guess and the people had to match to that guess. But he then continues, or she, oh no, is it he? I knew two people in the 1970s who won. One guy won a hundred grand and another seventy grand. Who are these football millionaires? And then he says... I didn't know it was this kind of money.

I must say. Me neither. Well, Sam in Sutton said in the 70s, my mum won £500 on spot the ball and we received a begging letter from Liverpool. She wanted a slice of... Begging letters. What was she begging for?

A slice of chocolate orange? I'll put them in my history of begging. That'd be one of the volumes. There's dogs. Begging letters. Frank, begging letters for 500 nikka. Come on. Who was the other...

What was the other begging... Is it too late to get this out before Christmas? What was the other begging section? I mean, I've got 25. Guy Fawkes. Guy Fawkes. I'm going to be getting a begging letter. Yeah, a begging letter.

I mean, it's the letter. I'm going to be getting a begging letter. Yeah, a begging letter. I mean, it's the letter. I suppose people get begging emails now. Yeah, I imagine. Oh, brilliant. Thank you, Sam and Sutton. We enjoyed that. That's one of my favourite ever,

whatever happens to. Begging letters. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank I've had a little bit of don't panic I had a bit of a blub this week but it was controlled crying and it was nice crying

if you know what I mean yeah I had a bit of a a teary moment after watching the John Lewis ad. Have you guys seen that, the new Christmas John Lewis ad? Are you just thinking how expensive Christmas is going to be? That's my teary moment.

No, because I'm not you. It's called, I found it quite moving. It's called Moz the Monster. Mm-hmm. And it's got a monster. He's a sort of Gruffalo meets Sesame Street meets Monster Zinc. He's a hybrid, isn't he? There's an element of Honey Monster about him as well, I would say.

A bit of all of it, isn't it? I mean, we're not saying that it's unoriginal. It is based on every monster ever. Well, can I say, on its unoriginality, the song that it uses is... They always have a whimsical cover of something. I know, but the idea, surely the skill, is to pick a whimsical cover of an old hit

that hasn't been used in another children's thing. Right. Isn't that the idea? I think so. Whereas Golden Slumbers... Once there was a way to get back home... See, that's what makes me cry. Heavily featured in Sing, the...

Oh, yes, you're right. I forget how much you've watched that recently. Well, yeah, but it's the animated version of I'm Having That. It is. But you've got to avoid something that's that big in Sing. Yeah. Come on, guys. £7 million it costs them.

What? This ad. How much do you have to pay? What kind of daily rate was that monster on? I was going to say, one guy. The actors are only on about £210 a day equity. Oh, he must be on equity minimum. He doesn't say anything.

He's just in that costume. It was two men in the costume, apparently. Two? Yeah. I don't want to know what happened in there really? so it's like a pantomime

old Dutch monster yeah so was it on the shoulders things? like when in couple of acrobats in there can you imagine

the stench in there you know when in films people kids try to get into an adult thing and they wear one

big overcoat and the other one on the shoulders it's like that and some minor CGI but the majority of it was two blokes oh I sorry to ruin it for any children listening to this

can I tell you I've got one major problem with it although I've been a man in the past who has used saucy material, one thing I've never liked is the wind-breaking references. Me neither. And the monster breaks wind, and it's quite a big moment in the thing.

So we've got people now breaking wind on primetime television. I didn't say people. There's two blokes in there. What about the other one? Unless they've got some sort of two-part harmony going on, which is hard, very hard to... At that point, as a viewer, we don't know there's two blokes in there.

That's behind the curtain. No, but I'm looking back. I did blanch a bit when I saw that as well. I hate it. I wish they hadn't got... I really hate it. What did blanch a bit when I saw that as well. I hate it. I wish they hadn't got... I really hate it. What, the flatulence humour? I do, yeah.

What did you think of it, Al? I don't like flatulence on telly. I had less of a problem with the flatulence, but I guess we've all got our moral compass. You know what I'd say? Some of it points different. You know my motto? Broken wind, broken Britain.

That is your motto, and you do say it often. I mean, almost during every song, but I... I'll tell you why I don't like it, Al, is it is a bit... You know Frank always says when people go cheap and go loud, when their act's not doing very well or something? Yeah. It's a little bit like that, isn't it? Bring out the flatulence in the place of a joke.

Come on. It reminded me of a very good children's book called Not Now, Bernard. Have you read that? I don't think I have. It's absolutely brilliant. The kid comes in and says to the mum and dad, there's a monster in the garden that's going to eat me. And the parents are like distracted parents.

They're reading the paper and you go, not now, Bernard. And then the monster eats him. Spoiler alert for anybody that's not read it. I think if Bernard Manning had lived, it's a sentence we'd have heard quite a lot during his act. But I would highly recommend the book. And a great autobiography title for him. Yes, yes.

I mean, also, the narrative of this advert, as I understand it, is that this kid can't sleep because there's a monster snoring under his bed and making various other noises. So it keeps him awake so the kid can't, his

studies are suffering, his sport, he falls asleep in goal. Yeah. It's causing fatigue. The monster. The monster's snoring. And then the monster, for a present, buys him a sort of twinkly globe to help him to sleep.

Which I think coincidentally is probably available at John Lewis. Yeah, probably. Sold out already, loves. So that gets him to sleep, and then he looks under bed, the monster has gone, as if the monster's job is done now. But if the monster's job was to get him to sleep,

it was the monster that was keeping him awake. Good point. Also, can I just say, as someone with abandonment issues, I think it's horrible the way the monster

just leaves him. Why can't you talk about it? I mean, maybe they could have compromised and said... He was never really a chatty monster, though, was he? No, but come on now.

He was up late at 1am playing battleships with him. Why couldn't he just say, look, maybe they could have compromised and said... He was never really a chatty monster, though, was he? No, but come on now. He was up late at 1am playing battleships with him. Why couldn't he just say, look, maybe we'll just have an earlier night tonight? Why leave and never come back? Horrible. No goodbye, nothing. I've written an article about this in tomorrow's Sunday Times called Eat, Break, Wins and Leaves.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 844 has texted, the North Wales Daily Post used to run a spot the sheep dog competition with a picture of a cowering sheep. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. That's good.

Spot the sheepdog. And you'd be able to tell from the sheep's body language if you knew your sheepdoggery. Yeah? Yeah. Sheepdoggery. You knew your sheepdogging, yeah. Lisa said, my mum, she says.

Mum? Americanisation's creeping in. My mum used to play spot the Ball every week in the 80s. I think the Pools man used to collect the entry each week. It was very serious. She even bought a rubber stamp with the maximum amount of Xs on it, as they were smaller, and then you could draw them.

The aim was apparently to get the middle of the X in the centre of the ball. Very difficult. It's got a very difficult added... There's got to be a X in the centre of the ball. Very difficult. Very difficult added. There's got to be a documentary in this about Spot the Ball. That would be great. There's been many texts about this rubber stamp. 472 has texted.

Never heard of that. My dad had a rubber stamp an inch square with 100 crosses on to use in Spot the Ball. He won nothing. Either he was... I'm going to edit. Either he was rubbish at finding the ball or the rubber stamp wasn't allowed. I think he won nothing. Either he was, I'm going to edit, either he was rubbish at finding the ball or the rubber stamp wasn't allowed. I think he was rubbish.

Where's the rubber stamp? But you know, you hear of these professional gamblers who can work out a system with roulette and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Multi, multi X, spot the ball system. Marvellous. Well, as Raymond says, my mother suspected it was a scam. And some guy at the newspaper just picked a random winner.

Raymond, full name please, no Ray. Good for him. I like him for that. I wonder if it's Mr Teasy Weezy Raymond, the celebrity hairdresser from the 1960s. While we're doing a Whatever Happened To. Yeah, exactly. Oh, speaking of Whatever Happened To.

Shopping days. Shopping days. What you used to get this time of the year was, you used to get a constant lowdown on how many shopping days to Christmas. Yes. Oh, yeah. And what it was all about was it allowed for Sundays. Yes.

Which weren't shopping days. Of course not. So it was, there was a feeling that your layman couldn't make this sort of calculation. It's like the Catholic Church didn't used to let people read the Bible on their own. Yeah. In case they misinterpreted it. So people would say stuff, it would say like, now remember there's 26

shopping days to Christmas. Yeah. And your dad or someone would say, 20? I thought there was more. Surely there's more. Oh, I forgot the Sundays. Yeah. It was a regular thing I haven't heard it for Now that cuts every day

It's a shopping day It is Well also no internet And in fact the middle of the night Is sometimes the shopping day Do whatever you like Oh in the middle of the night I keep walking in my sleep

To the river of doubt The river of doubt I've had many a dip in there Have you seen the Paddington Christmas advert? The River of Doubt. I've had many a dip in there. Have you seen the Paddington Christmas advert? Yeah. I haven't seen the advert yet. He reforms a burglar.

Oh. Well, he does. Much neater narrative. With the red tight on his head. Yeah, it all works out. Stocking he's got. The story is more solid. It's got a familiar, lovable character not this mysterious, flatulent

monster. Not now Bernard style monster. Exactly, not now Bernard. Yeah, but that is directed by... I said to my mother-in-law not now Bernard. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind director they hired. No. That's why it was so expensive.

You're joking. No. It was not him. And apparently he said, when I told my ex-girlfriend I was doing the next John Lewis Christmas film, she said, you have big shoes to fill. It's got to make people cry. He said, last week I showed it to her and she cried.

Well, I think that was because her ex-boyfriend turned up saying, hey, look how well I'm doing now. Seven million. Frank. Frank Skinner. Seven million. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a few complaints about the breaking wind on the John Lewis adverts.

People agree. People think it's indicative of a slip in standards in humour. I agree. I tell you. Broken wind, broken Britain. Let's make that a slogan. We can march together on. Yeah.

It really did make me think, you know what, I'm not going to John Lewis this Christmas. What, never again? Oh, just this Christmas. Just until the smell's cleared. No, I just, I thought, no, that's just cheap and easy and get lost. How dare you. Dan Peters, Frank, says,

surely the cheaper option would have been getting some Robbie Fowler-esque breathing strips to stop the snoring rather than an expensive globe. Good point. He sounds like he's cut from your cloth, Al. Yeah. But do they make one that could fit a After You Burner-type monster?

Yeah, and also it would be sticking to hair, presumably. He'd have a hairy nose, the monster. Not now, Bernard. It might be like a koala that's got the hair, and then suddenly, as soon as you hit nose territory, nothing grows there. Did you not find the facial characteristics of the monster appealing? No, there was something unnerving about the nose.

Oh, goodness. Frank is very put off by the flatulence I just don't I hate the advert oh too much

wow no Paddington too much I'm not saying Paddington didn't break wind but

you know he was outside for most of the thing and we didn't and he wore a coat he wasn't naked Why don't John Lewis do an honest advert

where they say never knowingly undersold asterisk except on the internet which we've got a blind spot about you know they boast about never knowingly undersold Oh yeah You've got to look very surprised There used to be an England cricketer called John Lewis

and they used to say never knowingly underbowled. Oh, very good. I like that. I like that. I like that. It's the first moment of affection I felt for cricket, I think. Anyway, what else? Not now, Bernard.

I love it. That's your new catchphrase. Very taken with this. Say anything a bit off colour Oh, can we talk about P. Diddy? Who? Well, he's not called P. Diddy anymore, is he? Who on earth are you talking about? I don't know anyone called P. Diddy

Okay, he was P. Diddy He was P. Diddy Prior to that, he was Puff Daddy He was Puff Daddy Currently, he's known as Brother I know. Yeah.

Love, a.k.a. Brother Love. Yeah. Simply Love. Yeah. Or Brother Love. Yeah. Yeah. That's what he's gone for.

You see, I know... He's changed his name. Oh, and then some. He's changed his name several times. We know that a.k.a. is also known as, though, but I think he actually wants that. To me, that's part of his name, the AKA. You sure?

Yeah, like Ackerbilk. I think Love, AKA Brother Love, is the name. Is it? I thought the producer had written AKA. I think it's... He's simply Love or Brother Love, but he announced it on a YouTube video and he said, I have some very serious news.

And I liked when he said, it could come off as a bit corny. Self-aware. Also, quite a British expression for corny, isn't it? Quite 80s. Who uses that? But you know when we're talking about that the show is a sort of Nostradamus-type thing? Do you remember last week I was talking about

it would be worth being friends with Courtney Love so that every time your phone rang you could sing it must be love yes

now you could be friends with with love aka brother love you can sing it then yeah

and say it must be love, a.k.a. brother love. Brother love. Imagine being friends with... Brother love, a.k.a. brother love. Well, it's going to be tricky for him to... What do you think the Christmas present, for me,

very white, round neck jumper. But the big concern there for him now that he's changed his name is that when he's going to be signing his Christmas cards and when they say, where formerly they would have said, love P Diddy, they're now going to say, love love. Oh yeah, love love. I'll tell you what you can get him.

They're a little bit basic. A cushion with love on it. They're everywhere. What about those little signs? I've got one. He's going to be very easy to buy for. You're sorted. With a stab, these are a bit basic. But I've got... Ouch.

Ouchy. This is so uncomfortable. I've got a cushion with love on. Yeah. I've got one with hate on. The cleaners just said they can't do anything about it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Still eating? No, I wasn't. That was... What are you talking about? Sorry, we're not telling you off. I feel told off.

I'm just passing on that somebody said, you know, I worry about the Ray Jars all week, in between shows. I just do nothing but... I worry about the Rajars. I just think, Rajar, Rajar, Rajar.

Especially when we're riding higher for our recent award win. I was on about the former rulers of India. Do you think that P. Diddy... Who? ...felt that he was restrained the way I said, you know I suggested that Meatloaf felt he couldn't be. Painted into a corner, yeah. Yeah. So that now that

he's not P. Diddy anymore, he feels that he can once again urinate on a grand scale. Yeah. Maybe that's what it is. When he announces it in the YouTube announcement he says, I decided to change my name again. As if there's a sort of inevitability about it.

As if he's afflicted with some disorder that forces him to change his name. I think you might have hit the nail right on the head there. Because I think, I sort of wish I'd changed my name, but I'm also indecisive. So I think if I did it once, I think I'd change it every couple of weeks. Yeah, if you change it once, you're changing it all the time because it's never going to represent you, the real you. You see what happened with consignia? Yeah. It's a bit like that, isn't it?

He makes it clear. He says, I will not be answering to any of my other monikers. Monika? Yeah, he uses it, which I like. He's not going monikers monika yeah he uses it which i like he's not going to answer to monika um it's the beginning of the end i think isn't it for him someone has texted 333 dave has texted he did say after that it was a joke and you could call him any of his names i don't believe that even that's like plate spinning isn't it there's one of five that you could shout out

to him now I believe when people do embarrassing things they often say it was a joke right that is true I think he did it

realised he made a fool of himself and his first name is P which isn't great so now he thought he thought love a.k.a. brother, would be better. But he didn't even arrive at one name.

No. What? Brother or brother love? Well, it's either love or brother love. He couldn't even narrow it down. He'd have been no good on the spot the wall panel. No. I suppose it's part of a current trend.

It's like gender fluidity. You don't have to decide finally anymore. You can leave it. Well, you do when 50's knocking and she's getting louder. I mean, he's, you know, he's getting on, Peter. Give it time. He might be sister love by the end, you say. As you say, that sounds like a nun though, doesn't it?

I think that's the thing though, though. That's why Antodex Black or Red didn't work out. People don't want to commit to one thing anymore like that. Also, if you remember, there was a strong theme of devil worship. I do remember that. But that is not why they're in the news. Well, we don't know, do we?

That's how it began. Would you change your name from Alan, I would have liked to but now I feel like it's too late entrenched in it Alan I think so I think the nearest to changing it now would be just allowing people to call me Al as they say and I do I do allow that on occasion

but I would have liked to have changed it early on I should have done i changed mine of course yeah oh yeah there was a long period when i considered changing my name professionally early on in the early days to where's bromich where's the problem you didn't do that surely that that wouldn't have worked out for me, would it? Oh, wow. That would have been awful. Can you imagine on the trailers? So we would now be on the Wes... They call him Wes Bromwich. I mean, you just couldn't.

I would have been so ashamed of you. I don't think I... You know, I'm once in a name, but I think it would have held me back. You think so? Well, I was going to change mine to Wes Yorkshire, so it would have... There you go.

It would have been a real nightmare as both working together You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio

website We've had something of a correct, haven't we, in Frank? Yeah. 584 has texted, Hi Frank, sorry to burst your bubble, but Mr Piddy Diddy backtracked on the new name four days ago, blaming alcohol. Correction!

Correction! So he's still Piddy Diddy. He's still Piddy Diddy, apparently. But I like the fact that he's still P. Diddy. He's still P. Diddy, apparently. But I like the fact that he's blaming alcohol. Apparently he doesn't seem drunk in the thing, but I think he might just be blaming alcohol as a general trend. Perhaps like you, he's Prohibition now. I hope so.

I should think with those white round-neck jumpers. You're the white round-neck jumper. I say we always picture P. Diddy. He does like a white round neck. He just the white round neck jumper. That's how I always picture P. Diddy. He does like a white round neck. He just likes white clothes, generally. The text there also added enjoy your almonds, but I can't really say almonds. Is it almonds? Almonds. I always go with the L. He likes a big coat as well. He likes a big Conor McGregor bear coat. He loves a big coat, yeah. It's a Patrick Troughton Yeti coat.

That's what he favours. Can we discuss another rapper? We've got two rappers this morning I want to talk about. I would like to talk about Drake, Drizzle. Are you familiar with the work of Drake? I know, one of the... I'm not. Did he twerk? No, Diddy's the other one.

Did he twerk with Rihanna at the Brits once? Yes, Frank. I was there that night. Good knowledge. Good knowledge. Thank you. I love this clapping.

I remember thinking of it as a very low-key conga. Yes. Office conga. They. Office conga. They can't conga like they used to, the young people. No. Millennials can't conga, Frank. No, they can't conga.

They don't even know the middle age. Instead, they're going, you used to call me on my cell phone. Anyway, he's Canadian. Is he? I did not know that. Yeah, so that means at least 30% brighter, generally. Every day is a school day.

I think so. And he has announced, it's one of my favourite things a human being has ever announced, which is that he collects Birkin bags. Come on, what's your language? It's right up there with Tom Tinomo Sheriff, Birkin bags. Come on, what's your language? It's right up there with taunting Omo Sheriff Birkin bags. It just sounds like someone

who wants to swear but is not doing it. And they retail between I'd say 15k to 300k. What? Really? Yeah. Bottom end is 15 grand. Dollars. Yeah. Not like lira or one of those currencies that's terrible.

They're about the same. But the best thing about it, so he says in case he meets a nice lady and she wants a Birkin, he wants a collection for her. Oh, I see. It's a bit like when anglers put down ground bait. Yeah.

Isn't it? To bring the fish in a bit closer and then you pick the one you want. If you don't pick the one you want, that's ridiculous. Frank, the best thing about the bags is that they're the only bag that I know of that has its own spa treatment. You can send a Birkin off to Hermes

and they will give it a little three-day spa treatment. The bag? Yeah. They recondition it. Is this made up? No, this is absolutely true and then they send it back to you so this is what they mean by a bag for life yeah yeah you just keep it and look after it yeah it lasts forever is it like a bag version of a pet like a tamagotchi or something

a little bit yeah that's amazing that is and it's named after j... Jane Birkin. Why is it named after her? There's a long story, but she was on a plane and she met the Ed of Hermes. I get the gist. Okay, she met the Ed of Hermes and she complained about her bag and he said, I'll make one for you, and there you go. Oh, right.

Victoria Beckham has over 100. She was the partner of one of my favourite musical artists, Serge Gainsbourg. Oh, yes. And she was the one who did a lot of giggling and breathing on Je T'Aime, Mais Non Plus. That's great. Yeah.

That's great. Lovely. I've seen her live. She still performs now and again. But what do you think about the anticipatory purchase? I mean, he hasn't got a girlfriend, I don't think. Well, I've always said, you know, they're all saying what's good for the Drakeke is good for the...

What is a female... What's a female duck called? Oh. Mandrake. No, it wouldn't be a mandrake. It'd be a woman drake. Very good. A drake is a male duck.

There must be a name for a female duck. Hen? Hen duck? I saw, I was looking, I read up about these bags. Did you? Because I wanted to know. You better clear your history before Kath sees it. I wanted to know if they were named after Jane Birkin

because I thought that was a bit of a coincidence. And it had a list of, it's a who's who of famous females who favour the Birkin bag. Oh, yeah. Victoria Beckham. She's got 100. She's got 100 of them. Jennifer Lopez, or Jennifer Love Pez, as she's called her,

named after her extensive Pez dispenser collection. What if his future lady... You know, she's got over 2,000 Pez dispensers, Jennifer Lopez. Some real obscure ones. Dolly the Sheep, she's got over 2,000 pairs of dispensers, Jennifer Lopez. Some real obscure ones. Dolly the Sheep. She's got Chemical Alley. No way. Yeah.

Very collectible. Immensely. I'm sorry, you were saying? I was just going to say, what if his lady is his future lady, who he just hasn't met her yet. She likes a Birkenstock and a rucksack. Right, not into bags.

And a Ramble. Yeah, yeah. She's not into the Birken. What will he do then? They're not going to get on, are they? He needs a bag lady. Whatever happened to bag ladies? What if she's a clutch fan?

Yeah. Well, it's a good question, but I don't have an answer for it. I think what he'll do is put them in storage in case the wedding does. Because the chance of a man as famous as Drake, who even I've heard of, having one marriage is pretty slim, let's face it. And I should think that they'll gain...

Well, it would be like lying down wine, wouldn't it? Yes. Putting Birkin bags in a cupboard somewhere. Well, Frank, the great thing about the Birkin is that it's like buying art. I mean, they go up in value. There you go. Perfect. It's a funny old world, isn't it?

Speaking of optimistic purchases, I recently bought a five-year diary. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Turns out, unwittingly, I was living my life a lot like Drake before I met my wife. I mean, I hadn't amassed hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of Birkin bags, but I did have a drawer full of carrier bags at the time. Oh, yeah, I've got a drawer full of carrier bags. I think every home should.

That's very... Oh, really? You don't think that's something that a future wife would be excited about? I love going round to a man's house and suddenly all the carrier bags for life fall out of the cupboard. I'm excited when I go all the carrier bags for life fall out of the cupboard. I'm excited when I go into the carrier bag drawer. Because sometimes you think, you know, it's got those sort of flimsy, orange, Sainsbury's type

ones. And you take one of those and you go a bit deeper. Sometimes your Vonica Hanley's are quite heavy duty and a bit bigger. It's like a canvas one or a hessian. Would you reuse one of those paper ones with the string handles that you might get from a nice shop?

Well, it depends how nice the shop is. A really nice shop, hell yeah. What, like Lidl? No, like certain bags. I carry a lot of unwrapped offal. Right. So a paper bag doesn't really work. Do you have a designated bag drawer?

Yes. Okay. And it's slightly... There's slightly too many in, so when you open the drawer, they spring up a bit. Oh, nice feeling. We've actually gone past that stage. We've now had to have a bag bag

and just put it on a hook on the back of a door. Well, I... Oh, I might adopt that. I currently keep it in with all Raymond, my puppies, accoutrement. Oh, right, yeah. But it's getting crowded in there. Well, I always felt that the... If you wanted to know if somebody was working class, the test was that they had a bucket in their bedroom

for abusing in the night. All right. So I grew up with that. Well, pass that test then. But then... Everyone else passed that test? Yeah, I passed that test, yeah. But then everyone, all the council houses got modernised and they're inside toilets.

So that sort of disappeared. Now, my test is the recycled JD sports bag. Right. my test is the recycled JD sports bag. Right. I think then you know somebody is. They're from the street, man. I'm afraid I failed that test. Have you got one of those?

I've got one of those, I'm sure of it. Fair enough. You know, they're a nice thing. Frank, I'm sorry to interrupt. I've got some for my future wife. On the off chance that her initials will be JD and she'll think they've been monogrammed. Do you know JD Sports? No, but thanks for the tip.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a tweet in. Sorry, Al. I was just going to say, Grant has been in touch to ask,

can you explain the thanks for the tip joke, I am lost every time, praise redacted? Okay, well, thanks for the tip originally came from a sort of musical joke, which is, do you know my sister May? No, but thanks for the tip. Right. And the idea is that his sister May

indulge in some sort of frivolity. Thanks for the tip. But I would say we've picked that up and run with it. Pretty much every show. I recently dropped one on a few friends.

It was, we were talking about, obviously there's been a lot of stuff about the Russian Revolution, you know, recently, which I've loved. So nice for you, Frank. Big fan of the Russian Revolution. I always think of you with that. And somebody said, there was something about if they've read Das Kapital,

and they said, do you know Karl Marx? And I said, no, but thanks for the tip. Right. Now, that gets a big laugh in the S&M community. They're not sure about We Have Nothing to Lose, but our chains. Yeah. So they all work. But yeah, there's many of them, you know.

Yeah. I'm trying to think of other examples. Do you know Samuel Pepys? Do you know Samuel Pepys? No, but thanks for the tear pegs. Or the curtains. You know, that sort of thing. Yeah, there's lots of stuff. So go away and enjoy. Go and make some up. God bless you.

I think we should move back to the news because there's been some Queen cracks a joke news Royal Family does ordinary things yeah the section of the show the whole Royal Family does something mundane it's a big story

but I don't think she cracks many jokes because it has made the papers we don't know that she's with her sidekick it might have made the papers more don't know that well she's with her sidekick might have made the papers more frequently had she done it more often i think she was with um sir david attenborough the uh you know nature documentary guy i've heard of him both 91 are they both 91 wow very cute that is cute that is so cute nice. Do you think one of them said snap? Cute couple alert. Yeah. Ship goals.

Oh, it sounds a bit like, you know that very disappointing week on Blind Date when they had the old people? Oh, I always turned it off when that happened. Now I'd be in that category, Frank. I mean, isn't that depressing? Oh, you know we'll get texts from people saying this is ageist. No, I know. Well, it is, but I'm old, so I can say it. I think I'm all right now.

You're old. Those texts are being sent from phones with big buttons. Look, I'm not saying it shouldn't have happened. I'm just saying they should have both been behind the screen. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So the Queen and Sir David Attenborough were wandering around the gardens at Buckingham Palace.

Yeah. Were they found by anyone? They'd been out for three days. They'd gone for one of their wonders. And she cracked a joke because he said he was discussing climate change. Keep it light, Dave. Because he said he was discussing climate change. Keep it light, Dave.

There'll be all different kinds of trees in another 50 years' time. And she said, I won't be here, though. Yeah. Slam. She'll be in Honduras with a wheelbarrow. Collecting her interest. That's her joke that caused Sir David to burst out laughing and is newsworthy. The Daily Mail said that she acknowledged her own mortality.

I didn't know there was a dispute about that. Well, I mean, I have a theory here. Yeah, go on. I think this is a classic double bluff. I think she's secretly discovered immortality and she's doing a classic double bluff. I think she's secretly discovered immortality and she's doing the old double bluff where now she's going to have to start mentioning it. I reckon she went

oh I won't be here though. Then she walked around and behind a tree drank a pint of yak's blood or something and then came back virgin's blood. Whatever it is she's up to she's keeping it a secret from Charles I reckon she's cracked it. That'd be one of the great news stories ever.

She had another of her Queenly slams. She pointed at a bent tree and she said, is it meant to be like that? Somebody sat on it at a garden party. What do you think of that? Prince Andrew. We once established on this show, we think biggest posterior in the royal family.

Broad in the beam, Prince Andrew. Apparently the plan is, if there's a revolution, he backs into the main gates of Buckingham Palace and the whole family's safe. That holds people back. Who was the bloke in Vise who had a really big behind? Was it a behind? I think it might have been some other thing

maybe I've got that mixed up we'll discuss Frank, you know what occurs to me about the Queen does she think I'm absolutely hilarious everything I say, people laugh I could be a stand up she must look at you and Alan and think well I could do that

because people laugh so much at everything I say. Well, that's like, I've got a few live albums of Elvis Presley. Yeah. And when he says something, all his backing musicians go, But that's fair enough. He's paying the wages. I think at 91, my standards would have probably dropped a bit on my gag material. I think you'll be better than... I will be here, though.

I like to think you'll be better than that. I think I'm still occasionally dropping those kind of gags now. I mean, what was the five-year diary gag if it wasn't that? So we're channelling the same stuff. Can I tell you, I was fascinated by it. I don't read the mail because it's always about American actresses with surnames for first names. Yes. A lot of Taylor going on.

It says that she was dressed in a feminine floral dress. Oh. And I thought, oh, as opposed to one of those very butch floral dresses that you see with the Venus flytrap cleavage. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

So, yeah, the Queen. Apparently the Queen said to David Attenborough, was it recently that someone tried to stop children playing with conkers? Yeah. Just out of the blue. She said that to him? She wasn't happy about that. She never.

She then said, PC Brigade strikes again. Don't you love that? It's something to look forward to if we're lucky enough to get older. Conversation ceases to be conversation and becomes like avant-garde poetry. You just say something like that in sort of splendid isolation. I look forward to that. I want to know what his response was.

Define recently, ma'am. Is that a story from seven years ago or seven weeks? Do you think he went on about conkers? Oh, probably, yeah. Oh, he would have had a lot of... You know if left, there could be trees, that sort of thing. He's always there with the intel on the natural history and the gardens. I watched a documentary about Stalin.

Of course you did. Lovely. A bloke on it's theory was that Stalin was responsible for more deaths than any other human being. Twice nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Yeah, but he did mention in an aside that the most televised deaths, David Attenborough. Well, did you see Blue Planet?

I mean, let's not even go there. I didn't see it. I'm traumatised. I haven't seen it. I was watching a documentary about stag parties. Oh, yeah? Yeah, in Margate. You do watch a lot, don't you?

It was called Bluthanic. Come on. Trayvon. Come on. Because they don't just fall out of the sky, those kind of gags. Bring on the feathers and have a lovely week. God bless you. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.