The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Spotted

Episode Date: September 8, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank, Emily and Alun return this week with to discuss Kim Kardashian's selfie assistant, body doubles and punning fast food restaurants. Also this week Alun has a new idea for the team and Frank is spotted by a listener.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Guten Morgen! Guten Morgen! So... We've had some outside world if you'd like to keep up with that, Frank.

Oh, yeah, I always like to hear what's going on out there. Yeah. You know, me and David Baddiel once had golf lessons in Portugal. Did you? You're starting with the showbiz anecdotes. Yeah. From 1997. It involves golf.

It's like Ronnie Corbett or something. And this bloke was teaching us. Oh, yeah. Tarbuck. And he was talking about, you know, the golf, obviously. And he'd say, you know, I show you how to do this, but when you're out there, sometimes it's different. And he used to talk about the golf course like it was the Somme.

Oh, right. Yeah. Yes, it's different out there. Very melodramatic, man. It's like he spoke in movie taglines. Yeah, exactly. We've had a big mo' from Jack McLean. McLean, McLean. We should say that a big mo' is, it's a big moment, isn't it?

And it's when you tell someone something that you think no one knows and lots of people know it everyone knows it uh morning divine miss m alan and frank i'm hoping to make it into alan's fnt that's the friday night draw with a big moment did you know that les dawson was actually a really good piano player? Thanks, Jack. Have we had this one before? We might have. I don't know. You know what?

It stands. I like that one. It's a good one, that one. Yeah. Yeah. I sort of double bluff that. I'm wondering if he was. Oh, really?

What, he just told people he was? No, I think he probably was all right and he deliberately played badly. But I bet if you'd have said, play brilliantly, he might have been... He might still have played a bit badly. I don't want to speak in another day, for goodness sake. I never understood that rule.

What, not speaking in another day? Yes, it's a stupid rule. It's the best time to speak here, I feel. You've all gone carte blanche to be really horrible about me when I'm shuffling. We won't wait. I'd rather you waited, gone carte blanche to be really horrible about me when I shuffle off. We won't wait. No, I'd rather you waited. That's my very point. What about the Adolf Hitler caveat?

Yeah. What a bad name, huh? I think he might be the exception. They sound very East London, don't they? Yeah, they do. Craft beer. Yeah. I had an idea. I had an idea, you know.

Don't exaggerate. You know, every now and again you have an idea and you think, is that a good idea? Then you think, I think that might be a an idea. I had an idea, you know. Don't exaggerate. You know, every now and again you have an idea and you think, is that a good idea? Then you think, I think that might be a terrible idea. I sometimes don't know if my ideas are good or terrible. What about when Frank said, don't exaggerate? I love that. That's like my old maths teacher.

I've just thought of something. I want to hear Alan's idea. I feel a bit like it might be a really awful idea. You know, like we have big mows and we have stuff come in that people suggest. Yeah. Whatever happened to's and stuff. I've never been so anxious.

Is there a thing that we could do that goes something like, you know you're getting old when... No, there isn't. There isn't a thing we could do. You mean like Dennis Norton? You know you're middle-aged when...

Yes. That one. All right. Oh, good. My instincts were right. I've had a terrible idea. I think we... For a second, it was a good one.

And then I thought, no, it's a terrible idea. Yeah, I mean, it's just... It needs... I haven't even done it yet. It needs workshopping. You know you're mortal. But I love the way Al delivered it. Because it was the coyness of someone

who's not fully confident in the idea. No, true. He covered his bases. There was a bit of me that was excited about the good one and terrified about it. This might be terrible. And I was right to be. Of course, it'll be all over Capital next week.

Because I've heard a lot of Capital presenters listen to this show just with a notebook. Oh, yeah. Do they? Yeah. Oh, you're desperate. Absolutely desperate for it. There must be.

For it is of any kind. Absolutely desperate for ideas. There must be. For ideas of any kind. And not just capital. I'm just giving them as a par example. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Just checking to see if we've had any... You know you're getting old when... Funnily enough, Al, they're not coming in yet.

They're not coming in. But I'll tell you what, we have. Just because you guys nipped it in the bud. What about you know you're not getting old? We nipped it in the Zola. If we could put you know you're blank when, that would be different. Well, it wouldn't because that was blankety blank. Well, it depends.

Essentially. No, we fill in the blank. Oh, okay wouldn't, because that was blankety-blank. No, it depends. Essentially. No, we fill in the blank. Oh, OK. Oh, we say the blank. So you know you're illiterate when you can't... Send this message. Oh, yeah, exactly. No, that won't work.

I don't think you can talk about being illiterate anymore, can you? Are you not allowed? No, I think you have to... Another of life's pleasures gone. I think you have to pretend that everyone's brilliant. I think that's the deal now. I will do no such thing. It's a policy I've adopted for safety.

Everyone's absolutely amazing. We've had a strange incident this morning. Oh, yeah? I'm going to christen it the curious incident Incident Involving Ice Tea and Frank Skinner. Ice tea? Are you familiar with the work of ice tea? What about ice tea? Yeah, it's at ice tea.

Yes, of course. I thought it had been a spillage. No. Well, he's liked a tweet about you. That can't be the ice tea. It is the ice tea I've checked. Would you like to hear more? He sure is nice to them. It's not someone from Twymings.

No, no. The iced tea has liked a tweet about Frank Skinner. OK. Do you want to know what the tweet is? Well, yes, I do. OK. Does it begin, you know you're getting old, is it a quote?

I have to let this go. Is it guess who visited Pope's Grotto this week? What if iced tea's listening now? Don Guess Who Visited Pope's Grotto? What if Ice-T's listening now? Don't bring out the Pope's Grotto stuff. Sorry, Ice. He might not like that. He's obviously a bright chap. So this is from Kyle. He said, I would love it if this

interaction between Ice-T and Boise could be shown to Frank before tomorrow's show. Well, on tomorrow's show. Partly because it might make Frank see that Twitter is all right. Okay. Mostly because I like how he says Boise. Okay.

Do you say it in a particular way? I'll explain. I just did a little funny noise in my mouth. No, I didn't like that at all. I couldn't control it. I heard it. You know you're getting old when your throat starts making

strange noises of its own accord. I wasn't going to mention it until you did. Well, I've meant, I know, but I don't want to continue now. I've lost my confidence. Oh, come on.

Don't lose your confidence. Okay, I won't. So, John Chalice. Can I just tell you what I've always thought was the definition of confidence W.H. Auden

the poet when he was a child he was given a five pound note for his birthday which then was big money and he went off

across the fields with his friends and they realised that he'd dropped his five pound note and all his friends went into a that he'd dropped his five pound note and all his friends went into a massive panic and the young Ordon said

I don't want to get on the way back and when they walked back across the fields there it was just blowing about so we picked it up. Wow. And I thought wow. That's a confident young bloke or a bloke who's got a few bob in the family

Al, you ever done that Al? I haven't, no I don't think I've ever dropped a £5 note I think Al did get a court order to stop following WH Ordon after the story came out Anyway, let's see it here Meanwhile, over at Ice-T's crib.

Yeah. So what happened? Ice-T had originally tweeted, I'm 60, you're a little kid, to someone who said they felt old at the age of 52. Ice-T's 60? Yeah, and, oh, already enjoying the friendship. You can bond over that.

Wow. And John Chalice responded and said, I've just turned 76, you're but a spring chicken, etc. And then someone, when this man tweeted about you... It's a bit dark, a bit poison Chalice. Ice-T liked the tweet about you. The tweet urging you to enjoy Twitter and say Boise. Because I believe John Chalice has become friends with Ice-T now.

Oh, okay. Okay. This is strange. Yeah. When do I ever say Boise because I believe John Chalice has become friends with iced tea now. Oh, okay. Okay. That's strange. Yeah. When do I ever say Boise? I don't know. Just then. You just said it. Do you think they've got me mixed up with Jason Manford? I bet he says

Boise on a regular basis. On a regular basis. It's the closest I've ever got to iced tea, anyway. Yeah, exactly. He could be a nice friend for you, Frank. I was once at, what's it called? Thingy Hollywood.

Planet Hollywood. Oh, yeah. And we were joined by Robert Downey Jr., who was drinking one of those things called New England iced teas. Oh, Long Island iced teas. Boozy. Yeah, he was quite boisy. No, he was devil may care in his attitude.

Was he? Nice, but very off the planet. You were going to say wagon. What are they called? Long Island Iced Tea? Long Island Iced Tea, darling. He said, I'm drinking Long Island Iced Tea, and I thought, well, how have you got like that? I thought it was like those cans of iced tea you can buy with lemon.

But did the trick for old for Barbie D. Absolute Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went to Dawn's Books this week.

You familiar with that chain? See them a lot as a canvas bag, don't you? Oh, it's a very... I know the woman who did the drawing for that canvas bag. Strange name drop. Worked with them all, hasn't he? Yeah. Except Ice-T, apparently.

Ice-T, one minute. I've never worked with Ice-T. Yes. Actually, I did have a week work experience at Lipton's. I did have a week work experience at Lipton's. But I... So I went to... You know they have these events where people who've got a book out

go and talk about their book? Oh, yeah. Speaking events, yeah, like a book talk. Spoken word. Spoken word. And who was it? It was John Harris Donning. No?

He's written a... Doctor Who? He's written... No. No, not this time. I just thought. He's written a graphic novel called Tumult, which is set in the area around where my house is.

Oh, yeah. I mean, really quite close. The Environs. Right. Another great band. And, you know, there's nothing... I don't know about you, but, you know, some people love watching stuff like Blue Planet 2.

Yes. Or what was that? Sue Perkins on the Ngongo River. Oh, right. Sue Perkins, Mekong River. What's it called, that show? Mekong. Yeah.

Anyway, I never am more excited on television than if I see something that's very close to my own house. Oh, yes, you've always loved that. Much more interesting than some tribe in Sumatra. That's that laundrette look from down the road. I find that absolutely exhilarating. So obviously it's kind of nice to have a book that's got, I think, that's, so I'm loving that for a start off.

And it's, I went, I like a's... So I'm loving that for a start-off. And it's... I went... I like a bookshop, as you know. I told you the time I was in Waterstones, there was a woman in with what looked like her granny, and the granny said, look at all the books in here. She said, it's like a library. And I thought, that's not a bad simile for a bookshop.

It does look a little bit like a library. I'll thought, that's not a bad simile for a bookshop. It does look a little bit like a library. I'll give you that, girl. So, yeah, so I went to this thing. And when you're at those things, you always feel a bit exclusive. Because most people, obviously, are watching Emmerdale. Yeah, because people are watching Emmerdale.

And you're listening to someone talk about a graphic novel. And did you go hand solo or did you go with Cass? No, I went hand solo. Oh, okay. I don't really know anyone who'd go with me. No, I don't either. I think that's the sort of thing that you could attend alone, though, isn't it? Oh, it's fine to attend it alone.

I wasn't the only one, let's put it that way. Yeah, so it's about the book's part. I'm not going to give the game away because I did buy the book on the night. Right, no spoilers. What they did was a very clever idea, which I think we could all learn from, anyone who's in the entertainment business. I've got my pencil at the ready. How has that actually got sent?

Do you do merchandise at your gigs? No, there's no demand for Alan Cochran tickets, let alone merchandise. Oh, come on, that isn't true. Stop putting yourself down. That simply is not true. All right, I'll get on to mouse mats and... I'd have an Alan Cochran mouse mat. Well, I'll tell you what I'm seeing.

Do people still use mice? Hang on a second. I'm seeing, because of your Nordic chic, there's a Scandi vibe, I'm thinking some sort of Nordic sweater with your face on it, knitted Alan face I'd buy that wear that in a heartbeat yeah, I suppose so

yeah, if they buy them they are much and you could always claim it was Jens Martin Knudsen, the Faroe Islands goalkeeper who used to wear the white woolly hat. It's got that kind of look to it. Yeah.

But I forgot what I was saying. No, you were talking about merchandise. Oh, yeah, so what they did, while we was watching it, they passed the book round. Yeah. Right. Now, I've never known that before at a book event. So the book actually got, like when the plate goes around at church

yeah so um trust me and uh and so you end up you're gonna write in it or something no just have a little look at the book while they're talking about it just the one book going around yeah just the book he was talking about no but i thought it was a clever idea all right because after it had gone past i thought you know if i don't buy that book now, I'm going to be watching the telly tonight and I'll have my hands formed in such a way that I'll still be able to feel it. Yeah. I'll miss it at home. So consequently, I bought it.

So I'm thinking, like, if you were queuing at the butcher's, say, and they pass around a leg of lamb around the queue, I reckon you'd feel that leg of lamb. You know, it's always a bit of lamb around the queue. You'd feel that leg of lamb. You know, it's always a bit clammy against the hands. Yeah. And think, oh, I might need a nice leg of lamb tonight.

I honestly think it would work. Yeah. But I'm loving this idea, which I think is a great marketing idea, strategy in itself, is place names mentioned in the books. Because then it's something for everyone. Yeah, well, it doesn't really, it's not so much that he does the place names mentioned in the books because then every something for everyone yeah well it doesn't mean it's not there's so much that he does the the playstones but because it's a um it's a graphic

novel in the pictures you can see that stuff i mean if it was just on place names selling books you'd think they'd sell a lot more maps than they do right you think you? Brian Rock, you'd think that. Yeah. Yeah. Atlas' fly out the shops. Lonely Planet, you'd think they'd sell more. Canterbury Tales, that'd do well. Oh, Canterbury Tales. Yeah, but once everyone in Canterbury's got one, how many people's that? Oh, yeah.

Just visitors. That old coffee table. Yeah, you want something called something like The Road. Oh, that did do well. Well, there you go. That's what Cormac McCarthy thought. something like The Road. Oh, that did do well. Well, there you go. That's what Cormac McCarthy thought. Anyone who lives in a road is going to buy this.

Local material. Yeah. Always goes down well. Yeah, Jack Kerouac on The Road. Yes. Yeah, they've just taken absolute advantage. Yeah. Little house on the prairie. Anyone who's got a house can be had to identify with that skinner dean and cochran together the frank skinner show

absolute radio so this um this book is about a woman with a multiple personality disorder one of the characters in it and this is that tumult right and i remember in the days when you could the jokes about these things i used to do a joke that she couldn't there's a woman i knew with a multiple personality disorder but she couldn't be on twitter because she had more than 140 characters yeah Yeah. But I think Twitter's gone up now, hasn't it? It has, yeah. Yes, it's 280. 280. Yeah, I don't think people have.

And isn't it a sad thing when a joke... You know a joke's getting old. Yay! That's what it is. That's what it is. You know a joke's getting old. One of the greatest jokes ever. I went out with a...

Here we go. I went out with a mermaid once. Fantastic figure. 36, 24 and three and six a pound. Gone now because three and six a pound. If you change it to decimal money, it doesn't have the rhythm. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, even your brilliant observation about supporting your football team, which you always, I believe you said you need two things, a ruler and an atlas. A to Z, I think. Yeah, A to Z. But no one knows A to Z or ruler, really. And also, I was on a I was on a

tram, remember that one? I was on a tram and a woman fell asleep. No, is this right? No. I don't like the sound of this story. Blood was on a tram and he fell asleep. And then the tram suddenly jolted and he landed on this woman. Yeah.

He landed on her belly and he said, is this Maida Vale? And she said, no, I'm four months pregnant. That's how Alan likes that one. Spock. belly and he said is this Maida Vale and she said no I'm four months pregnant Maida Vale is an area in North London a large conurbation in the south east of England and ale is beer you know a joke's getting old when it needs footnotes

but I could easily tell that joke with a boss because I heard it was a tram I don't know I because I heard it was a tram, I don't know. I've always told it was a tram. But you get trams now, don't you? Oh, yeah. Trams in Manchester. They all come back in the end.

Scotland, yeah. I don't know if you still get mermaids. Don't know. Don't know how they're doing. I'm fascinated by mermaids. I think with the overfishing thing. Yeah, that's it. They've been overfished.

Yeah. Anyway, I'd recommend this book. It's actually brilliant. And, you know, I don't have any connections. I paid for my ticket. Got no skin in the game. I paid for my ticket. I paid for the book.

You know what I mean? I've got no things. But Tumult by John Harris Donning. I'm completely hooked on it. In fact, I'm on my second reed. Are you? Two reeds. Two reeds.

Two reeds in a fountain. Come on, everybody. I can't start a thing because... He always does that. It's because we had iced tea earlier. I don't know what it is in this room, but I scratch quite a lot on here. If ever you listen to the podcast

and you hear that... I think it's mice. That's me. I mean, the... That's me. The skin cells on this mite moth... Oh, yeah. I don't bear thinking about it.

It looks like it's been frosted. But it means that someone could take it and clone me all right the Barbra Streisand dogs a woman I was going out with said to me we we had quite a big row and she said she said to me I can make you love me forever because I've kept your fingernails. Thoughts of herself. Relieved. Apparently they were in her back. She kept them and she said she could

do a spell that would make me love her forever. That's honestly what she said. That didn't work. Not sure it's helpful, that. I'm not sure it's helpful, what she said. What? No. Put me off of it. In terms of changing one's mind. I'm not sure it's helpful, what she said. What, no. Put me off of it. In terms of changing one's mind.

I don't look out with anyone who begins, I can do a spell. I mean, no disrespect. You lost me at spell. No disrespect to any sorcerers or witches who are listening. But to me, I don't know, it meant me uneasy. To me, the balance of power suddenly swung. I don't want to be someone who can hold that over me.

No. So, yeah, we didn't last much longer after that. She certainly took against the docking stall. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a missive in an email, I'll be honest I had a sub-missive in a week

It's a bit strange, I will warn you but it's about you, Frank. It's about you. You've been spotted. I like it so far. It's strange and it's about me. It's my dream.

It's entitled Frank's Strange Behaviour at Train Station. Oh, I mean, this is real gather round the fireside time for me, I've got to say. Depends when it's dated. Now, I might misread this, because there's a few bits where, you know, sometimes computer screens replace apostrophe S with, like,

euro signs and TMs. I don't know what you're talking about. Well, it happens on this. You know you're getting old. Was I spotted on one of those things where you go up and down and I could pump the machine and make it go along the railway track

like Laurel and Hardy used to do? Oh, that'd be good. Oh, yeah. Hi, Frank. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. On my way home from work this evening in a nice part of North London, oh, look at you,

I was sat on the London overground when the train pulled into Hampstead Heath Station and a certain Mr Frank Skinner got on. Too nervous and not wanting to bother Frank, I didn't approach him. When the train got to Highbury, Frank got off the train and I thought I'd get off too

and ask for a photo with the legend. Legend! Only for Frank to walk towards the exit, then do a U-turn and walk to the opposite end of the platform stop and look at his phone for two minutes, then cross over to the opposite platform and head towards the exit again, just on a different

platform. Not sure if Frank was using Google Maps to get out of the station or just trying to be covert. I never got a photo though. Huge fan. Oh, that's all some praise. Al, I know what this is. It's the old military training, always running a zigzag.

Can I just say? In case they're shooting at you. There is a PS. Frank's skin was immaculate for a man who has a free bus pass. Do you know he looks great? I told you, has a free bus pass. There you go. Do you know, he looks great. I told you, he's found his look. Yeah? Thank you so much.

Now, Al... That's the only thing I've found in recent times. You and I obviously... I think we should leave this, because the feathers are high. Let's leave it as a cliffhanger. People puzzling what you were up to. Exactly. It's a very accurate description of my movements, I must say.

Well, I've got a sort of grassy knoll theory on this, which I'd like to put forward. OK. OK. Did Emily say she got a grassy knoll? Yes, I did. That's James. OK.

All the standards have dropped on this show, generally. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I wonder how much longer we'll be saying that. Oh, yeah. Four emails is like getting a Xerox. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, we're on a cliffhanger. Oh, yes. I've been spotted at a railway station. I'd go further than spotted. I'd say you were studied in some detail. Yeah. Yeah. In fact, you were followed.

I mean, that email, you say email, I say dossier. Yeah. I love the word dossier. Dossier. Yeah. Yeah, well, what happened was I was changing. It sounded like he was making up a story there. Yes, I was changing trains.

And I completely lost faith in where I was going and what platform it was on. So even though I was in the station, I Googled the railway line to find out what platform. So that's why I stopped. And I mean, I was standing 50 yards from the platform, googling which platform it was. But I just didn't... I thought if I start looking at signs and stuff, I'm going to get... I'm going to get what I believe the term is discombobulated.

I love that you describe it as a loss of faith, like Graham Greene or something. It's a choose. But, you know, I get lost so often. I can't believe that you were sitting on this story and yet you shot down the idea of you know you get old when dot dot dot. But I was like... You're sitting on a primary example.

This is a great example. No, but I got lost walking from my auntie Ethel's who lived four streets away when I was about eight. Oh. And I was lost for two hours. What do you think that is, Frank? Because I've got to be honest, as a friend who loves you,

and this comes from a very positive, good energy, I'm communicating this to you, but it is odd. I mean, sometimes we're walking down. How long have we been going, Daisy, to that restaurant where we have breakfast? In that direction, down that, is it about ten years now? And he never knows whether to turn left or right.

I know, it's a problem. When I walk up with Kath, she does enormous gestures left and right so I know which way to go as we walk along. Traffic controller. To stop me from walking into her by turning the wrong way. I spoke to a psychologist I met at a party and she said it's because I didn't crawl when I met at a party. Yeah.

And she said it's because I didn't crawl when I was a baby. Didn't crawl? Yeah. Because you made up for it in your 20s. Did you? Yeah, it was too late to get it back. You can't claw it back. So I...

Some babies, they just sit, and then some babies, they just, they sit, and then one day they stand up and they're off. And you... They don't go through the crawling phase. You're that guy. And it's during the crawling phase, apparently, that you develop your sense of direction. Wow. That was her theory, but, you know,

everyone's got a theory nowadays about something. I think it might be because you're a thinker. Because I've come across this with thinkers. My father was one. There's too much going on. You can't be worried with directions. I think that's closer to it. I like that one better.

I know you love it when American comedy gets quoted. You know there's an episode of The Simpsons where... Oh, I love that one. Goodness. Homer Simpson goes to a wine tasting course and forgets how to drive because his head's so full of stuff that if you put more in, stuff goes out.

I think that might be what happens with you because, you know, you go to talks. Oh, that's what it is. There's no room for, like... I go to too many talks. Pope's Grotto. I was at Samuel Johnson's. Your head's full of other stuff. There's no room for like... I get to too many talks, post-grotto. Yeah. I was at Samuel Johnson's house.

Yeah, your head's full of other stuff. There's no room for like spatial awareness. Last night I was at Benjamin Britten's Paul Bunyan. Were you? Yeah, the opera, yeah.

Maybe I'm... That's it. Yeah, cut back. I need to... There used to be a theory at school that if you put the book you were trying to swat up on

under your pillow Yes, I remember that. It's still going in my day, that one. So if I put an A to Z under my pillow No, don't clutter your mind up with street names. You need to focus on big matters. Can you imagine how long it would take me

to do the knowledge? Oh, it doesn't pay a think. It's called the knowledge. That's not what I call knowledge. Sorry, but knowing your why. No, but they've got clever questions. They do like a quiz, I know this. They have, take me from Sun Street to Moon Street.

Great question. Oh, that's a good, I like that. Yeah, a cab driver told me that. So, actually, I think it would be... From Sun Street to Moon Street. Is that what it just means? Wait. Until it gets dark. No, I don't think it would be... From Sun Street to Moon Street. Is that a metaphor? It just means wait until it gets dark.

No, I don't think it's a metaphor. It would be great if someone said, can you take me to Moon Street, please? And you just sat there for ages. What are you doing? I thought it was a metaphor. Sorry, mate. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I think it's time we gave Kim Kardashian some air time. Yeah, she doesn't get enough. She leads a life of quiet solitude and reflection these days. She will do that, you know.

She'll be one of those people who gets a cottage in Wales. Do you think she'll do a salinger? She'll find herself, yeah. Oh, I hope she does. She'll go to the Marahishi Mahesh Yogi if he was still alive. Like what the Beatles did. Yeah. That's my verdict.

You know, J.D. Salinger is sort of, as Frank would say, he's in the recluse chair, isn't he? He is actually all right still. That's who people joke about. But I read that he's not a recluse, that he just doesn't do media. He's dead. He's dead, isn't he?

I believe. Sorry. So he's a recluse. He lives alone in a wooden apartment. When he was a recluse, apparently he wasn't a recluse. He just didn't do media, and so they say that he's a recluse. Apparently he wasn't a recluse. He just didn't do media and so they say that he's a recluse. But he talked to his neighbours and stuff. I have a contribution about J.D. Salinger.

Hang on, hot J.D. Salinger news? No, I can't actually put it on here because he wasn't a recluse. No, I know what you're going to say. The evidence for him not being a recluse is not great. It's not breaking the radio. And I'm aware of the evidence.

I think I remember it too. Do you remember? Are we all familiar with the evidence? Yeah, I think he was, yes. Okay. I think he was still involved with the student community. Legend! The active in the student body.

So, Kim Kardashian has apparently... That's what you are Kim Kardashian Do you think Kanye if he does that in the morning? Kim Kardashian I think he might I think he's quite tortured Kanye isn't he?

Yeah Is he a Trump apologist? Yes she is as well I believe Oh okay Anyway We're all different Exactly She has recruited a selfie assistant.

It's a member of her crew. And when I say that, I mean her literal filming crew. I'm not trying to be cool. No, no. But she went to the doctor and she was told that she'd incurred a wrist injury for taking too many selfies. And she had Paxi, who's one of the crew members on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Who used to host Newsnight.

I don't know if you remember. Oh, yeah. God, he's gone down a bit. I know, he's quite happy in it. He's enjoying it. Is he really? He sees it as being like a sort of twilight of his career

and less pressurised than he used to be. He must wince every time he's called Paxi. Yeah, he doesn't like that. Oh, I'll call him that even more then. I wonder if he's taken to sort of, he has to do dress down his look as well.

No suits now. What does he go for? Maybe a V-neck or something? He's got a Berghaus fleece that he uses quite a lot, I think. And a Timberland boot.

White narrow jacket and white trousers like a proper houseboy look. Anyway, can I say, one could sit back and condemn um yeah kk for this yeah um but i you know it is you know i had shoulder problems and it was my theory that i had so many photos took with people with my arm round them that I actually

I actually hurt my shoulder Is it genuine? Honestly that's my theory I see you're you are not convinced No not at all I'm more convinced than you think I am I told Jimmy Carr this

and he absolutely poo pooed it but I'm just wondering if I get more Jimmy Carr this and he absolutely poo-pooed it completely. Oh, that's for sure. But I'm just wondering if I get more photo requests than he does and that was the problem.

Oh, no. And also, I love Jimmy Carr but he doesn't have shoulders so he's not going to have that problem. Yeah. I mean,

he's a sort of man if I was in trouble I feel I could go to him but I'd end up crying on his neck. Aye, man, if I was in trouble, I feel I could go to him, but I'd end up crying on his neck. Aye, aye, aye. So he wouldn't accept it. He said, no, you'd need to do millions of photos to do that.

But I honestly think that's how I got it. So during the Three Lions period, it must have had a lot. Oh, yeah. It was... I think it was... I mean, the recent one. I think it was, you know, the continual wear and tear

over a period of years. I'm not complaining, you know. No. I mean, I love a photo with someone, but... So it's an RSI. And often they're quite tall. And to be honest, the national obesity crisis hasn't helped.

No. Because I'm reaching a lot, a lot further than I used to. Imagine if you lived in Wyoming. Yeah, well, exactly. I'm overreaching in lots of ways. So, yeah, I mean, I saw an acupuncturist in Osaka and he put it right. Really? Yeah.

That's good. So anyone listening, that's useful. Fly to Osaka. Yeah, Osaka. If you've got any RSI problems. The way forward. But can I say,

I got my injury from embracing others, not from celebrating my own beauty. Well, her mother... I said beauty. Her mother, Kris Jenner, are you familiar with her? She's the really warm, maternal... Is that Kris with a K?

Yeah. She seems lovely. Really nice woman, she seems like. That's the one they call their... She's their manager. Momager. And they call her Momager. I like that.

They call her Momager? Momager. I didn't know that. I like that. That I like. Self-styled Momager. Is there a Kardashian dad? Yes. Yes.

Yes. There was the original Kardashian who was... Are you familiar with him? He was OJ Simpson's lawyer. OJ Simpson's lawyer. Yeah. What, her dad? He was kind of a big deal.

I never knew that. Is it Robert Kardashian? This is a big moment. Yeah. And then obviously the other two, their father is Caitlyn Jenner. You're familiar with Caitlyn Jenner? Her father is Caitlyn Jenner.

Was Bruce Jenner... I've got a pencil and paper. I'll work you through it during a long song if you want. I don't know quite what the tense you're supposed to use on this, but I remember in the Olympics, the being of Bruce Jenner was brilliant. Caitlyn Jenner. Okay, yeah. Whoa, OK, well, that's the Kardashian family tree.

I did not know the OJ Simpson lawyer. She said to her daughter about the selfie incident, you don't want to be out of commission. I love it when a mother says that. Yeah. That's also what my agent said to me the other day. Can I say, though, surely the definition of a selfie is a photograph took by oneself.

Yeah. Quite. So someone else, that's sort of a themsy. Yeah. That she's got. Yeah, exactly. What she's got is a photographer. Yeah.

That's not a new idea. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're discussing Kim Kardashian. We're discussing Kim Kardashian.

Slash J.G. Salinger slash Ice-T here today on Absolute Radio. She, yeah, I think you're right. I think you've stumbled on Reggie Salinger slash iced tea here today on Absolute Reddit. She, yeah, I think you're right. I think you've stumbled on the problem that I have with this, which is that she hasn't hired a selfie taker, because that can only be herself, for sure.

She's hired a photographer. What about if she hired... Which has existed a million years. If she hired a sort of a a body double person. Actually it wouldn't have to be that. You know when you get those What do you mean? You know when you get those theatre group people

and they're wearing black polo neck jumpers and one of them stands with the arms through the other one's arms and they used to make them smoke cigarettes and slap themselves around the face. You know that? That is a fun thing. That's what she needs. I would accept that more as a selfie.

I haven't seen that for years. Alan looks so happy in the memory of that. He does, I get the feeling. Do you remember when there used to be proper adverts on the tube and people would put chewing gum and it would look like snot coming out of a nose on a model's face? That always made my day. Oh, I found that really funny.

Especially because a really beautiful model took themselves that little bit seriously. Really funny. I thought, look what you're reduced to. I'm going to go that further. What about the pencil moustache on the beautiful model? That's faded. Good times.

Somewhat. Don't use that catchphrase. I don't. So stated with other people. I was going to ask that catchphrase. I don't. So skated with other people. I was going to ask, I was going to ask Al this. Go on. What ever happens to the car? Parking lights.

Parking lights. Do you remember those? Yes. So people would park and they'd put a parking light on and it's like one light on the back of the car. Is that right? And the idea, I think it's because there was so much drink driving then in the West Midlands, the idea that people wouldn't, they'd see your car so they wouldn't drive into it, even though it was parked in the proper place.

Yeah, I think there are still parking lights on cars. Do they still exist? Hang on, are you suggesting the light stayed on whilst you exited the vehicle? The lights stayed on all night to stop people driving. You know when you see cranes with those red lights? Like Canary Wharf. Yeah, to stop aeroplanes flying in. Cars would have just one light at the back on the wing that was nearest the road.

That's extraordinary. To stop people from driving into their car. I like that the onus is on the parked vehicle. Yes, exactly. I do think it was to do with the preponderance of driving. I really hope we've got someone from the advanced motoring

organisations that are... Well, you're our motoring correspondent. I thought you might be able to give me the answer. I am, but I feel slightly out of my depth here. Well, if someone could get in touch, anyone am, but I feel slightly out of my depth here. OK. Well, if someone could get in touch, anyone who's familiar with the phrase smidzy, they'll know who they are.

Excellent. Do you remember that one, Frank? Smidzy? Sorry, mate, I didn't see you. Oh. This happens at junctions a lot. Yes. Cyclists and motorcyclists.

Do people actually say smidzy? Yeah. I have never heard that. No, they say, sorry, mate, I didn't see you. People in the driving community. Oh, they don't say smidzy? Yeah. I have never heard that. No, they say smidzy. People in the driving community. Oh, they don't say smidzy. And then bikers and insurers say, oh, this is a smidzy. They call it a smidzy case.

Yeah. OK. Well, I mean, one education this programme is. Not always funny, but always, always educational. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, yeah, there was another Kim thing, which I thought... You sound like Donald Trump. Yeah, which was a kind of a... Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's not just the nuclear... Just one more thing, Kim. She...

I thought this was a clever idea, is she hires people who have got exactly the same body shape as her. Dimensions. Oh, don't we all? No, but she does. And, I mean, are they easy to find? Oh, centaurs, they're all everywhere. She's got a fairly unique shape.

Anyway, she hires these people, so they're exactly the same dimensions as her, and they go and try on clothes and stuff for her to make sure they fit. I mean, if you're busy, it's a great idea. Well, it's the concept of it. They're called fit models. Oh, she's not the first one.

Well, she is the first solo human being to do this because ordinarily, fit models are a thing in the fashion industry. When I say fit models... I've been talking about fit models for years, to be fair. Are there any other type of models? There's those ones that do the full-face crash helmets. Oh, fit models.

This has got to be the 1970s. Maybe not 1970s, but maybe early 80s. 90s? It's quite reassuringly new, lads. Oh, 90s, yeah, it is a bit. I'd give you EG. Like, there's some fit models in that lad's mag this month. Well, hey, don't be baking, lads. Oh, 90s, yeah, it is a bit new. I'll give you EG. Like, there's some fit models in that lads' mag this month. Well, hey, don't be baking sarnie.

Yeah, exactly. So, fit models are used by designers at the prototype kind of stage. Okay. To see how things like hand-to-pocket ratio, how the fabric drapes. Hand-to-pocket? To make sure there are their hands fit in the pocket to see how it looks the garment looks on

oh no I'm on about if it fits you don't want to make a pocket and then they can't get a hand in it no I mean if the pocket is positioned

in the correct place you know those t-shirts you get with a really really tiny breast pocket I mean what do you put in there has anyone ever put their hand in one of those pockets?

Don't you find it disappointing? A couple of polo mints. What do you put in there, a pencil? Why do they have this spoiled whole line of the thing? I don't like them. They're more of a crest than a pocket. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it wouldn't take a 50-pence piece, some of them.

Anyway, that's not... Well, it depends who's wearing them, in fairness. But, yeah, so that's a thing. I imagine her dimensions are a bit... It'd be hard to get stuff just off the peg, maybe. She's not sample size, no, I wouldn't have thought. Do you remember that... I've already done one old joke today about Mary the Fowler.

Do you remember the one about a man with a humpback goes into a tailor's and said, I want to buy a jacket. And the guy said, well, what made to measure? He said, no, I'm just hoping to get one off the peg, you know, if you got one. And the bloke says, well, we'll have a look, but if I find one that fits you,

I'm going to have to sack somebody. It's really going to be a bit like that with Kim Kardashian. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think she looks great. I think she looks great. Well, I'm a fan. I'm a fan. We're all fans. I found it a bit odd, though, when she was saying things like,

if Kanye, she said, I get all my inspiration from my husband. She says, he'll tell me what I can wear. Oh, is he? I know. It's a bit 1954. But he's got a clothesline, hasn't he? I don't mean he's got a clothesline. I mean, I imagine they've got...

Can you pass me those pants? I need to hang them out. Quick, while it's sunny. I imagine they've got a hill's hoist in their garden. Can you imagine if you had a fit model these days, Frank, with your new fashion fit look? I have got a fit model.

Gandhi, Mahatma, not David. Sid Little has been crying on my clothes for years. I've told him to stop, but he won't. Many's the time I've walked into a dressing room and gone, Sid, come on, get out. Get those off and get out. All right, Frank, I'll just...

I know you were. No, I would... It's a brilliant... I mean, if you're really busy, which I'm guessing Kim is rushed off her feet, I reckon, to get someone your exact size to go and try stuff on, especially if they look like you, they can see if it, you know... Yeah.

If it suits. Yeah, but the pressure to maintain the same body type, do you know what I mean? Well, if someone... Because then the fit model has got to live their life according to you. I'm still kind of distracting the mooc off fit models. If you put on half a stone, the fit model's got to do the same.

Oh, yeah, that's right. You see? No, but I imagine none of it. They're not actually the same shape as Kim. They just have a lot of stuff in their pockets. And you can always put a bit more in if you have to. I think they do. I think the fit

models have to go up in size. So they end up like Robert De Niro in Raging Bull. They're eating pasta and ice cream to put on weight for the role. That's what happened to Gemma Collins, GC, when she wore that tangerine coloured outfit. Oh, was she? I think Andre the Giant spit model she must have used.

That's what I heard. I don't know what to say. No, the shoulders were big. No, the shoulders were enormous. It was a direct reference to the shoulders, Frank. That was a glorious... Apparently there was lots of parrots writing in about if they could live on their shoulders in the GC.

Oh, yeah. Wouldn't it have been great if she'd had like six parrots on each shoulder? I mean, why didn't she? That's when these people need, they need advice from a publicist. She would have been in every newspaper in the country, the GC. Gemma Collins, if she'd had six parents. Yeah. It's too late now.

Moment's gone. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I've got some brake light, not brake light, parking light news from 715. We were asking earlier, or I was asking, whatever happened to the parking light?

Yeah. Still have them. If you leave your indicator, that side's brake light is left on when the key is out. So I think there is... So every car has one. I think so. Can I just say, what about people who've never heard this show

just tuning in? It's a radio show about cars and brake lights. Well, look how well Top Gear's done. Well, did. Yeah. Oh yes, on the other ones. Yeah, I think it still does alright. Also got

an out-of-date joke update. You know, you were doing jokes that date. Oh yeah. I mean, you were. No, intentionally, in fairness. I was talking about jokes. I was keeping that vague on purpose. Like, doing jokes that date. Oh, yeah. I mean, you were. No, no, I was talking about... No, intentionally, in fairness. I was talking about jokes that... I was keeping that vague on purpose. That go out of date. Just trolling, Frank.

How do you get a peanut out of your ear? Pour in some chocolate and it comes out a treat. They continue, alas, treats are now M&M's. Joke ruined. Gary Chatterton. Yes. Was treats chocolates then? Was that a time?

Oh, yes. It used to be called Treats. Oh, I remember that. I just pretended to be young, of course, I remember. Various jokes go out of date from technology. And in fact, on my last tour, I did a joke about if you don't believe that some technology jokes go out of date, check MySpace.

Is that gone now? No, it's not gone, but it was a little joke. You know you're old, eh? Polly Rothwell-Byrne, one of our regulars, Frank. Polly Rothwell-Byrne. Polly Rothwell-Byrne. Her friendship we don't spurn. Very good.

She's never on the turn. We like her very much, although she's slightly butch. Now, can we say that? I don't know, she might not be. Let's hope Polly Rothwell-Byrne isn't. Why, let's hope she is. I like her.

I like that in a woman. Oh, I can't do a woman. Duh-duh-du't. Why, let's hope she is. I like her. I like that in a woman. Oh, I can't do a woman. Diddle-a-dum. You're more like a man. Well, that came true, right? So is that Rex Harrison, a sort of Nostradamus figure? Hister.

Polly Rothwell-Byrne says the Queen has had fit models, not fit models, fit models, I should say, not fit models, fit models, I should say, not fit models, since the 1950s. Wow. Yeah. Which makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?

Yes. See, the first way you read that, it made the Queen sound like a sort of a Hugh Hefner figure with just fit models around her house. Can I just say, I've just checked, Polly Rathwellburn. Oh, yeah. Is, um, she follows the Nazarene. Does she? Yes.

Okay. My kind. So, yeah, the Queen, that makes sense. She's very busy, and so you get some little old ladies who are the same shape as the Queen. And that woman had the dogs

in Trompton. Oh, yes. I remember. Yeah, and that's why the Queen wears a lot of foam. I love that woman had the dogs in Trompton. Oh, yes, I remember. Yeah, and that's why the Queen wears a lot of foam. I love that woman with the dogs. She's a bit hashtag life goals for me. What was she called? As I enter the last chapter of my life. Yeah.

What was her name? Well, let's not go that far. Someone can look that up. Perhaps you are a little nearer the grave than the cradle. Yes. But, you know, we all are. I'm not quite okay with that. We all are, dear.

What about if I could be the Queen's fit model? I think, because she's small. She is, yeah. I can't, it's hard to know what the Queen's bod is like, because she doesn't really wear. Queen's bod? Yeah, you don't see her in really tight stuff. Not often. No. No. She's not one for the tight. She doesn't really wear Queen's bod yeah you don't see her in really tight stuff no not often

no no she's not one for the tight she's in like bodycon I've never seen the Queen in a in a catsuit

of any kind not even a onesie no nothing but she's quite formal thinking about it she is formal

isn't she she is I bet the Queen has never said, we don't stand on ceremony here. No, she's a formal woman. Of course, I've had a relaxed chat with her recently, as you know. But I never...

And she repeatedly shouted Frank at you. She said, well, tell me exactly what she said. Well, let's not revise that. Well, I wasn't here for it. I'd just like to know what she said again. The words. Well, I was backstage. I was supposed to go on stage.

I hadn't noticed everyone else was gone because I was still reeling from chatting to the Queen in the weeks. This is during Queen's birthday celebrations, by the way. And she suddenly went, Come on, Fred, Fred, hurry up, Fred. And it was quite a shocking moment, but I didn't have enough time to get a tape measure out, if that's what you're going to ask me.

I said, what are you, about 12? How dare you? You'll have to ask Norman Rockwell. Oh, he's dead. Don't tell him he's dead. Is it Rockwell or Hartnell? Hartnell. Oh, sorry, Norman Rockwell drew the cover of the...

I think it was the New Yorker magazine. Yeah. This is a terrible bit. I like it. Terrible. I like it. You know what I did? I misspoke.

Frank, I'm going to call this link the Rockwell files. Oh, very good. Okay. I think that's okay. Okay. So, I mean, when... I believe, if I remember the Absolute Radio regulations, that if you mix up Norman Rockwell and Norman Hartnell on air,

that's a sackable offence. Well, that's so they're not listening. Maybe that was William Hartnell. William Hartnell was Doctor Who. I know that. That I know. Does the Queen know that? I don't think so Absolute Radio

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran You can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website

if that's your fancy. Yeah. So, I'll tell you on the, the, the, just going back to the,

the fit model who you hired to try clothes on for you. Yeah, that's what he means. Can we just absolutely clarify?

It's not a million miles away from the body double that people use in films. Can we just absolutely clarify? It's not a million miles away from the body double that people use in films. Oh, yes. I've always found that incredibly strange. Have you? There's a thing called viewer trust in television. So if I was...

I did a documentary with Lee Mack and we had to travel across Europe, but we weren't allowed to fly, so we had to do it all by land and sea. And there's a time we would be on schedule and we said, oh God, you know, we won't get that connection and blah, blah, blah. What if we got a helicopter or something?

And they said, well, we'd have to tell the viewers because now you have to be up front with the viewers. It's the old Blue Peter name, these poppy days. You have to be totally honest. And sometimes on Come Dine With Me, Frank, they put up a caption saying, we filmed this in a hotel or a rented apartment. Oh, do they? Yeah, because people were pretending it was their house.

Oh, that's nice. Well, it's like when comedians use writers and they call them program associates. Oh, I thought you were going to say it's like when comedians say, this happened to me the other day and it was seven years ago or never. That's alright, because the other day is a catch-all. What you're saying is you don't mind them using program associates but they should be up front about it. They should be called writers.

Do you think when they go on the panel shows and they've had a writer in, let's say, to prep for their appearance, they should just have a little caption permanently throughout the show saying writer assisted. No, I think every joke they do, that writer's name should come up. Like a little bell.

I think that would be fair. Yeah, I agree. But are people arriving at the studios and saying, I'm sorry, I can't do the bedroom scene today because my behind couldn't get a babysitter? It's a ridiculous situation to be in. So I think that should be, that's just, it's a lie. I've often wondered how impressionists can cope when they've got a cold. You know, like, if I've got a cold I don't feel like my stand up is quite the same. But if I was

an impressionist I'd really worry about doing gigs with a cold. I think they have special shows where they do impressions of famous people with colds. Three times a year or something. It's the with colds show. But if you're like a bum double, as it were, like when you said that my bottom can't, what if they get a pimple or they wear pants that are too tight

and it leaves a mark? Oh, they're absolutely finished. Is that it? Oh, dear. Yeah. That sounds too precarious a world for me to go into. I couldn't live on the edge like that. You get those hand models, don't you, that do...

Oh, yeah, I think I could have been a hand model in my youth. Do you know, you've got lovely hands, Al. Although my wife mocked them for being hairy the other day. Oh, OK. Anyway. I quite like them. It's a crawl business, the long-term relationship. Agreed.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What were we talking about earlier? Oh, you were talking about body doubles. The idea of hiring or someone being hired to, well, essentially to... Do they perform stunts, the body doubles, then? I think it's just for close-ups.

They use them a lot in what I would call the bedroom scenes. Yeah. Sometimes they just try on clothes for Kim Kardashian or the Queen. I've used one for driving. Have you? Not because I can't drive, but because it's just more expensive to keep me hanging around

if it's a night drive. Oh, is that right? I was once leaving before a night drive, and I remember the horror of going past the make-up Winnebago, and there was a young man in there having a very grey wig fitted,

and I thought, I wonder what he's sir I wonder what part he's playing and I think that was when it first struck me like a friend who said to me he's leaning on the back two legs of a chair and he suddenly felt the cold of the wall against the top of his head and that's when he knew he's got a ball back. And that's when I saw the grey hair. I thought, oh, it was like a Des Lynham type wig. It was like Harold McMillan

in the late 80s. Yeah, exactly. He was going to play you whilst driving. He was just going to drive around for wide shots. But that is more expensive to keep him hanging around.

He's on nights. He charges by the hour. He's kind of a big deal. I'll tell you what I did. Go back a bit. If we're talking outsourcing, as I believe they call it in America. Okay. I attempted once, I mean, in my defence, which I feel I have to rush to immediately.

I was in my 20s. Okay. And I'd met a character on holiday and we'd enjoyed a brief romance. Okay. I say romance, a bit of a hookup and uh legend he was a lovely chap irish chap looked like colin farrell on holiday came back without the tan not so much i wasn't feeling it frank no it can't look more like terry worgen when he got back more like colin Baker. I had an Irish driver who said to me,

never start a relationship in the summer because everyone looks good with a tan. But now, of course, tans are available the whole year round. I know. But he'd lost his Michael Sheen. He'd lost something. 10% had gone off.

I think it's also, where was the holiday? It was in Turkey. See, that's the other thing. It's the glamour and the exotic thing. The glamour of the package. The glamour of Turkey. But I that's the other thing. It's the glamour and the exotic thing. The glamour of the package at all. The glamour of Turkey. But I didn't want to meet him.

I'd made my mind up. And when I made my mind up, that's it. And the office PA at the time, I was working in newspapers, I didn't want to meet him. And I asked her, I said, can you call him and tell him that I don't want to meet him and I'm not going to be around. You've got someone to dump him for you? Well, she refused.

Oh, did she? She said... She had to sack her. She said, yeah. But, you know, she said, I'm not dumping guys for you, Emily. She was your assistant. Yeah. Which made me...

I bet she didn't, that's all. No, obviously. She was sacked immediately. If I was her, I would have seized the opportunity and then I would have taken that opportunity to maybe slag you off to him a bit, knowing that he would be, you know, on site. A receptive audience, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, what better opportunity? So she refused. But I also thought, well, actually, I would happily do that for someone. I think that. Would you do that, Liz? I'd do it.

I'd do it for someone. Lizzie would do it everyone, just in case anyone has any business that needs taking care of. I'd do it as a practical joke for someone who didn't want to split up with that person. But, you know, we're all different. I'll tell you what I'd really like.

A mean practical joke. A bit high risk as well. Yeah. In fact, I did it to Boris Johnson this week. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. We've had a Trumpton update. You were talking about the lady with the dogs.

Mrs Honeyman. Miss Lovelace. And the dogs Mitzi, Daphne and Lulu. Wow. Who was Miss Honeyman then? Sounds like someone else from your past. I think she sold the flowers in one of those programmes. I don't know what any of this conversation is about. Okay, well just stay out of it then.

Just tell us what menial task you would have done. Yeah, you do the menial stuff, okay? No, no, you want someone else to do the menial. I'm really happy to have people do menial tasks like loads of them. You know there's a book,

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, where apparently you're supposed to do your own motorcycle maintenance and get a lot of thought. Oh, I thought you were going to say you got someone to read it to you. It was a very... It was the student book of the 70s.

It was, yeah. Have you read it? No. It's a self-help, is it? No, I think it's sort of... I think it's philosophy smuggled in through some story about motorcycles. I think it's a self-help. I don't think it is.

Alan's looking shifty. I've never read it. Oh, okay. But I have recently. But you're happy to strongly tell me it isn't a self-help. No, I'm not. I haven't read it either. I said I think it's philosophy. Nobody's read it, okay? It's probably just a manual.

Somebody's buying it, is all I'm saying. Last week, I needed to change the battery on my motorcycle because I hadn't used it. And I texted the guy who taught me to motorcycle. Well, it's battery operated. No, it's got a battery in it to start it. You're like my evil toy. Cars have batteries as well, Frank.

I know I'm the motoring correspondent, but this is entry level stuff. I never think of motorbikes. Yeah, they have a battery and a fuel bit. I'm not an expert, but this is what they've got. Our batteries include them. Yeah, batteries are included. The Christmas Day disappointment when you find out you can't drive it.

They do go flat through misuse or through lack of use, rather. Then we all do. And I hadn't used it. So I sent a message to my instructor saying, oh, God, I need to get the battery changed or I need to change the battery for the dealershiphip blah blah blah just a boring message and he sent me a reply saying so i read your text like this if you let a comedian change the battery ultimately the nehs will fuck the bill can you come and put the new battery on for me at 2 p.m this afternoon

so he came and did it for me i mean way, way, way too qualified to come and change. And he did it really thoroughly. I bet he did. In a way that I would not. Yeah, I bet he did. And it involved removing like eight or ten screws and then putting them back. Yeah, he was really good.

Well, he would be. Okay, okay. And I didn't lift a finger. Did you? I made a T. Did you get him a drink? I made a T and gave him biscuits. Did you put a tenner in his,

force a tenner in his pocket? No, he wouldn't take it. I gave him the money for a latch that he brought. Don't let you have the chance to find out. That's why Al likes it when people wear those T-shirts with the narrow poche. Yeah, yeah. Because then the tenner doesn't quite fit in there.

Yeah, actually I had bike gear with a lot of pockets on, but I didn't try. Oh, a lot of zips, yeah. I would like someone to come in and just tidy up a bit before the cleaner comes. That's a great idea. Because I end up doing that. Yeah. And it really annoys me.

Yeah. Sometimes you say, oh, she can't come this week. And I think, oh, brilliant. I don't have to do that tidy up before she comes. Yeah. This is how I normally live. I need a pre-cleaner. That's what I need.

She's never seen how I actually live. She wouldn't come again. I've already lost one to 007. And that's not a house number. So, no, I have to... That would be a very thorough street

if there was a house number 007 instead of just 7 yeah a street that's got 100 houses on it when I broke when I lived with David Baddiel the cleaner just wouldn't do my room he just wouldn't even go in my room

it was so bad what about David Baddiel? his room was much tidier, to be fair. Oh, lovely. Immaculate. Anyway, it's enough of wandering down memory lane. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools away to dusty death. It's a tale told by an idiot. It is a tale told by an idiot.

Oh, I was thinking of an example of Oh, the sound of my skull. I was thinking of an example of that, but so many now on the telly. So many. It's not even worth mentioning. You can fill your own thing in. It's one of these ones I'm trapped at the end of a thing. I don't feel like I'm quite getting it.

Oh, is it, darling? You only get trapped in a link. Oh, well, I can tell you that somebody feels really helped. Oh, good. 165. Hi, Frank. Fascinating to hear the theory that skipping, crawling affected your sense of direction. Both my son and I also went straight from sitting to walking

and have a terrible sense of direction. Only yesterday, I took a wrong turn trying to find an address and ended up coming out of a different lane near my son's school. Having driven past this lane many times, I knew this was where I must be, but for the life of me, I couldn't visualise which way I should turn based on my normal direction of travel. You're not alone. Well, welcome to my world.

I am often alone, because often the people I'm meeting are somewhere else. That's it, we're out. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There's been some outrage on the internet this week. What? I've never heard such a joke. I know. It's not normally a place people go for outrage.

People are so... When's the last time you were outraged? I don't think I've ever been outraged. What is it with people getting outraged? It's very popular now. It's a real... Old people love being outraged. It's the thing. It really is the thing.

I'm so sorry to interrupt, Albert. We've just had some breaking news. From Jane Mitchell, Frank. Read Trumpton. Breaking Trumpton news. Yeah. Mrs Honeyman was a Camberwick Green character. Is that Trumpton?

Camberwick Green? It's all Trompton? Camberwick Green? It's all the same. And she was billed as the village gossip. There you go. So I don't think that is the flower seller. No. I'll stay the flower seller. Someone else can be village gossip. Yeah. She had very sort of quick music to suggest quick chatter, I remember.

Oh, excellent. I still don't know what this chat's about. That's all right, darling. Neither do 80% of our listeners. No. As you were. We were discussing Twitter outrage and other internet outrage. Yeah.

Basically, a female spectator at the US Open, tennis, has gone viral after dipping chicken. She had like a, I suppose it's like a chicken dipper. It was a nugget, I think they described it. It looked like a big nugget. And she dipped it in some Coca-Cola. Yeah, I saw.

Into a sugary soft drink. And it's gone. Not a BBQ sauce or a ketchup. It's gone. It's, it's, open inverted commas, it's gone viral, close inverted commas. It's gone viral. Sure has. It's gone viral, there'sas, gone viral clothes. It's gone viral. Sure has.

It's gone viral. There's no other word for it. She said it was a family tradition. Did she? Oh, lovely. Nice dad. Does he wear a baseball cap? He advised it to cool down food before you ate it.

I think that's... Which I thought was fabulously American, though. The sort of absence of delayed gratification. Yeah. Just can't wait for it to cool. I remember Kath with Boz once. I remember she put... These are my family, my partner and child.

And I think she put a boiled potato in a glass of water to cool it down in a restaurant. Really? I wasn't happy with that. I don't know if she thought they were soluble. But, yes, I wasn't. To me, it just looks... It's a sort of sweet and sour chicken.

Do you think there was people looking across the restaurant going, God, that smoothie looks horrible. Yeah. I don't think she'd let her in a glass of water. Leave it in there. Oh, you mean that thing? Someone's really messed up. It was like the worst kind of...

I know we juice everything these days. Like a Coke float. It was a boiled potato in a glass of water. Yeah, it's a sort of a supermodel's Coke float. Oh, it would have a potato then, of course. No. In fact, a glass of water is a supermodel's coke float yeah so she

she's a celebrity now I mean it's a curious kind of fame I bet she's on the next strictly but think of the beautiful grease based

rainbow that would have been left on the surface of that coca cola yeah it might have put me off drinking the coca cola more than eating the chicken

it would have been like a yes album cover lovely swirling coll. It would have been like a Yes album cover. Lovely swirling collars. My first thought when I saw this story was I'd like to try that. Me too. See what it's like. I'm glad that was your first thought.

Yeah. Absolutely. And then if that works, you could do, you know, I mean, to me, a chicken leg would have made more sense because it's got the handle on the end. It's begging to be dipped it's like when Achilles was dipped in the sticks and held by the ankle just like that, I think that's what we all thought and

I will try it but I might try it in a slight modification me too that leg of lamb that I'm going to get you have to get. Oh, yeah. You have to get it. Maybe just put that in a Sprite. Sounds nice.

I think there's scope for development with it. Well, people put honey on gammon, don't they? You do. It's not a million miles from lamb with Sprite. I had an idea, by the way, the other day. A fast food idea. I love your business ideas. You know, KFC have these...

I've got a pencil at the ready. KFC have people cashing in on the KFC craze by calling themselves things like Southern Fried Chicken and Dixie Chicken and stuff. And using the same colour scheme, hoping that people, well, I suppose people who can't read will go in there thinking it's the same shop

and spend money in there. They'll be slightly lured in, as you say. I mean, I'm not saying it's any better or worse, but it's not KFC. But yes, you are, because we know you are a bit of a Colonel fan. Well, I am. But I haven't tried the, you know, the southern

fried and the Dizzy chicken and all that. I mean, is it, I don't know, it might be just the same, but I have an idea. What about this for a shop named McDonald's? Oh! Oh, shut up. He's so good at titles. Deliberately up front, not

McDonald's, but all the same stuff and maybe a bit cheaper. I wonder if they'd sue. What would you do instead of the Golden Arches? You'd just do a W on it. You'd just turn it upside down. The Fallen Arches. The Fallen Arches.

Underneath the arches. You know about that. The Fallen Arches would be perfect. I don't know how you'd show that because it's actually a sort of a foot condition. Yeah, it is. You don't want to go, yeah, exactly.

Oh, I love McDonald's. I think McDonald's has got a future. I really do. Yes. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Frank, following on from your McDonald's concept, Yes. we've had some other suggestions, well, they're not suggestions, they're existing, let's call them cheeky little restaurants from your mock Donald's concept yes we've had some other suggestions they're not

suggestions they're existing let's call them cheeky little restaurants Dougie Love has been in touch to say there's a

shop in Stockport and they called him Dougie Love shop in Stockport called what's the pen name

Dougie Love I don't know I believe it Mr Love there's a shop in Stockport that pen name ducky love no i don't know i believe mr love um there's a shop in stockport that's his first job there was a band leader called jeff love i remember all right yeah i remember him uh the shop in stockport called mc tuckies fried chicken wow so they've had the best of both worlds haven't they that has got got that, yeah. It's a beautiful hybrid. Wow. I always, see if I did a pretend McDonald's

it would be mock Donald's, but I always thought if I did my own KFC it would be called Battery Hen. And there'd be a hyphen. Might put people off. It's too harsh. Why? Because it's battery though. 995 has said

McDonald's could be next to Pretender Manger. Ah, though. I know, I know. 995 has said, McDonald's could be next to Pretender Manger. Ah, yeah. Good. I went with the French. He didn't, like, spell it like that. What about Thomas Burridge? I like him.

He sounds like a sort of 18th century novelist. Yeah, he does. I like him. He was interviewed by Buckley. I'm disappointed he isn't Sir Thomas Burridge. Thomas Burridge, your model, sir. He recommends

McDonald's in Glasgow for all your fried food slash pun needs. Yeah, that's their slogan. It really should be. Anyway, the bottom line is the woman who dipped the

chicken in the thing, I thought it was fine. Yeah. I mean, what is cranberry sauce other

than sort of thick coke? Yeah. You know, people have been putting sweet stuff on chicken

for more since the old king died. Anyway, thank you so much for listening to us this morning and if the good Lord spares

us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Be seeing you. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK

on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.