The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Stealership

Episode Date: September 15, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is away so Emily and Alun are joined by Gareth Richards. The team discuss Mark Wahlberg's daily routine and the things that no one really likes.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio. Frank's not here this morning, breaking news. He said something about going to Salisbury Cathedral. But, I am joined by Gareth Richards. Good morning. And I'm joined by Alan Cochran. Morning.

You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning, boys. Morning. How are you this morning? Very good. I've found an email. Have you? It's entitled Russian music clip. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I've

been trying to find the Russian music clip that Frank plays now and again, but have failed. Can you help? There you go. Who's that from? Is that from the head of Absolute Radio? Praise redacted. Vladimir? Vladimir. No, it's Arthur. Oh, sorry, Arthur. I was making a little joke about the Vladimir thing. I like that joke. One of my little jokes. I'm excited to have you here this week. I'm excited to have you also, Al.

But, Gareth, you drove all the way here. You drove all night from Wales, I believe. Yeah, that's right. Extraordinary. I had a gig in cardiff last night there's a lot of driving that that's involved in being a comedian i realize i'm late to the party and realizing it's mostly driving isn't it it's we're basically delivery drivers i believe joy i believe there was some a point in the rolling stones history where somebody in the

rolling stones described their career as one year of playing and 25 years of waiting to play and it feels a bit like that sometimes. Oh really? A lot of driving about,

a lot of... I bet that was Charlie Watts Al because he's what I call the sensible type. You know I always say he looks like he'd be one of Richard Dawkins' friends.

Oh nice. He's got that nice middle class West Hampstead look to him. He's got no business being there. He doesn't really want to be there. He's there but part of his mind is on logistics. Someone's got that nice middle-class West Hampstead look to him. He's got no business being there. He doesn't really want to be there.

He's there, but part of his mind is on logistics. Someone's got to think of these things. Good for him. I'd be that guy. You are that guy, Al. Yeah, yeah. You are that guy. I'm that guy for me.

Can I talk about cars, Al? Sure. Oh, I like the way you said sure. Yeah, I said it in a sort of echoing of you. You know, I totally picked up saying sure from you. I don't really say that. Sometimes people don't like it when you say sure i've noticed that well especially especially when they're offering you something they say oh can i get you a cup of tea and you go sure it doesn't go down well it sounds a bit begrudging like yeah

whatever yeah yeah that's um that's the point that's why I like to do it. Can I talk to you both about cars? What are you driving? 8, 12, 15? I had a rather horrific moment when I was getting my car serviced this week. Are you already switching off? Do you not like the sound of this? I mean, it is a car service. When you say horrific, are we talking... I think these cars can go a lot worse than a service. Yeah, this is true.

Oh, they're pricey though, Al. Pricey? The car service? Yeah. Late review. But I, so firstly, when you speak to them,

they always say to you, oh, you need new tyres. I've never not needed new tyres. Oh, wow. Oh, okay. Is that unusual? Yeah. Oh, I thought,

four all new, four new tyres. The producer gasped. Yeah, she said, they'd seen you coming? Yeah. Oh, I thought four all new, four new tyres. The producer gasped. Yeah, she's seen you coming, Em. You want to get the measurements on that. Because sometimes... No, last time I... Who measures their tyres?

No, last time I had a car service, they sent me a video of them measuring the depth of the tread on my tyres. That's good. And they were like, oh, it's only two millimetres. When actually, do you know what the legal might be? If anyone knows what the legal tyre requirement is. No, this is genuinely

a text that I'll enjoy. Okay. How do you phrase it? I don't even know. What's the minimum tread? Oh, well, sorry, I quite like it when you say that. I know that you can check it with a 20-pence piece, apparently. There's like a ridge on the edge of the 20-pence piece that you can check it with.

A waste of money. I might have got that wrong. I'm actually coming over all peculiar. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What are we talking about? Oh, tyre tread. We're talking about the minimum tyre tread depth

on the UK highways and byways. Oh, yeah, talk to me. And texts have come flooding in. They have, actually. Do you know, if there's one thing about our readers, they love a bit of tyre tread. I think people like to just convey solid information rather than be asked something more esoteric.

Go on then, what info do we have for tyre treads? We'll just give you a few. Please do. One, two, nine. The highlights maybe, the tyre treads. We'll give you the cream. Volume one. Minimum tyre tread depth is 1.6mm from Ross the Tyre Man in Surbiton.

We've also got minimum tyre tread depth is 1.6mm from Ross the tyre man in Surbiton. We've also got minimum tyre tread depth is 1.6mm across the centre three quarters of the tyre tread area. Yawn, says Darren. I don't think we need the yawn, Darren. I think this is interesting stuff. Also, Darren, I like the fact... I'm riding a civic duty. I like the fact that you incorporate area into it.

I just think there was something a bit AA man about like that. Bit police statement. I enjoyed it. And Gareth, would you like to read the message that we've had? Yeah, I'm a bit worried about this one. Because he said 392. Hey, guys, good morning. Well, I'm driving a Prius.

I did say what you're driving. 815. Yeah. Or should I say Ubering around London, I think is three centimetres. Oh, I thought he said three millimetres, but no, he is really way off. Okay, three centimetres.

If less than three becomes illegal. Okay. By the way, have a good day off, Mr Frank. Have a good week, Kate. And that's from villian willian the brazilian willian the brazilian willian the brazilian yeah okay he sounds quite an interesting chap he is interesting he's driving a prius with monster truck tires is he like when chris eubank turns off in this huge pad i I'm slightly worried about William the Brazilian's spatial awareness.

I love him. Okay, well, I've enjoyed that section of the show. I like that I know about tyre treads. The point I was making earlier about the 20 pence, I've got a 20 pence out. Can you see that it is... I've got a combine harvester, big deal. It's kind of bordered.

There's a border around the 20 pence. Well, that can be used as like a measurement for your tyre thread. You think that's about 1.6 mil? I do. OK. Do you want to have a look and see if you can have a look? I've only got a ruler. Pass it around.

We'll probably put a picture of the 20 pence on Instagram. Alan has just got a 20 pence piece out. Alan, I repeat, has taken money out of his pocket. Yeah, it's not for keeps, guys. Just pass it around and bring it back. You're not having this back. Alan, I'm worried so far. All I've done on the show this morning,

you've got a 20 pence piece out and I've discussed tyre tread. What's Frank going to think? We've had an update from Will in the Brazilian. He says, sorry, guys, I made a mistake. He's getting a bit needy. Sorry, guys, I made a mistake. He's getting a bit needy. Sorry guys, I made a mistake. Three mil.

Three millimetres. No, that's still wrong. That's still wrong, William. I still haven't told you about my service. Oh, do. Well,

oh, the Feds has arrived now. What am I going to do? Just flag them. Do you know what? Flag them and disregard it. We're still interested. I'll tell you a man who's always got the right answer, William the Brazilian, never has the right answer. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So we're all waiting, Em, to hear about your car service.

You sounded so excited when you said that. Well, yeah, I was talking about my... I'm talking about my car service this morning on AFC Radio. Oh, hang on. This is a good moment for a recap because 468 has texted in, missed 19 minutes of the show as Alexa is having a day off from connecting to the Wi-Fi. We'll have to dig out the old radio from the loft.

Have I missed anything good? We're talking about Emily's car service. Excuse me, we also mentioned tyre tread. Tyre tread depth, 1.6mm for any fact fans just tuning in. You sound a bit Arnold Schwarzenegger when you say that, 1.6mm. Well, a bit Teutonic when it comes to tyre tread depth. So look, my car service, so the man said to me, so I needed

four new tyres, apparently. Right. He said to me on the phone, yes, he called me, a bit fresh, he said, you get a lot of use out of those tyres, don't you? Yes. That's a general idea with driving, to be fair.

Is he suggesting more jumps? It's a harsh accusation, I felt. But I went into the place itself. It's a lovely place. You get a free coffee. You'd like that, Al. Okay. Well, already I'm out because it sounds like you're going to a dealership,

which my motorcycle instructor recently called a stealership. I want that guy's number. We need him on board. I love him. So it was a dealership. Stealership. But they're very friendly. Yeah, of course they are.

That's what you're paying for. Look you in the eye whilst robbing your blind love. Four new tyres. My eye. Well, you know what? If the paintwork is nice and everyone's nicely dressed, I'm happy to be robbed. Excellent.

So I walked in and I didn't look great. I'm not going to lie. It was early doors. I don't believe that. No. I looked very... I mean, I've got to say, it was a bit... I should have had a Jeremy Kyle caption underneath my face.

Oh, God. Yeah. It was very, you had an affair with my brother, the grave digger. That's what it would have been. But I had sort of workout pants with no intention of working out. That was my line. Hair scraped back. I didn't look good.

But they were nice to me, nonetheless. And one of the girls remarked upon my pink accessories oh she said so she liked my pink iphone case uh she liked my pink makeup case. Uh, she liked my pink makeup bag. And then I said, oh, I've got everything pink. Look, I've got pink nail polish. And she said, oh, excuse me, could I borrow that, please? Oh, is that a transgression in the, uh, in the female world? Well, the girls both gasped.

Where did they bury her? Identifiable only by dental records. Uh, and I said, okay. So slowly. Identifiable only by dental records. And I said, OK. So slowly. I said, OK, yeah. Yeah, why not? And I thought, you know what?

Why not? Yeah, what harm does it do? Yeah. She said, well, you'll find out. She said, OK, thank you. So then she painted all her nails. She went, this is really nice. I'm glad you've come in.

I'm glad you've come in. I'm glad you've come in. I like you. I like you. It had a little bit of bounce. Yes, it is, love. It's Emily Dean's makeup. Probably cost hundreds of pounds. Actually, it was about six pounds.

Oh, really? Yeah. I know. I just want people to think I'm a woman of the people. Is that considered affordable in the nail polish department? Yes. That's not good. Yeah. I was worried she might use it to cover up a scratch in a pink car.

Can I borrow that, please? Fixing someone's body work. Who would have a pink car? No, that's true. Well, I'd like one. Well, get enough nail varnish and you can make your dream come true. Oh, no, the Fez has arrived again. I haven't even got up to the nail polish bit.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I should say you can text the show this morning on 8-12-15 and you can... What are the other things, guys? I can't remember. Carry a pigeon in a normal way we'll be looking for pigeons. And Frank on the radio, you can tweet us as well.

Twitter? Yeah. Hi Graham, you sound like a tired tread man. Your conversation this morning has proved invaluable it reminded me to book my MOT true public service. I'm sure Frank will be thrilled to hear that.

Invaluable conversation. Phil from Preston on 021, Ari, tyre tread. If any of the team want to drive a minibus, your tyres would only need to be at one millimetre. Do you know what? I'm so disappointed. I genuinely thought that was an offer.

I thought he was saying, do any of the team want to drive a minibus? Oh, that's good. And I've always wanted to drive a minibus? Oh, that's good. And I've always wanted to drive a minibus. Because if he says, if any of the team want to drive a minibus, and you think, oh, here we go. I have the same thing.

What about coach, Al? I think I'd be a really good coach driver. Because I'm not what you expect, but I could rock a short sleeve. Yes. Don't you think? True. What were you going to say, sorry?

I was going to say that mistake that you just made, not a mistake, but just a mishear. If any of the team want to drive a minibus and you hear who wants to drive a minibus, I have the same thing when people do that joke online when they say, ask him for a friend. I always think, I'll be your friend. Oh, bless you.

I mean, I probably wouldn't in real life, but my first instinct was... You say bless you, but it really wouldn't be that bad. Al, I need to finish telling you about the car service. Do. I mean, this is longer than the actual car service. Sure. So anyway... We were at Nail Polish Gate.

Woman had borrowed my nail polish. She was the receptionist at the... Is that politically correct? Is that okay? Yeah. Receptionistette, maybe? No, I think receptionist is the... So she was...

And she liked my nail polish, borrowed it. Fine. And I felt, having walked in looking like Jeremy Kyle guest, I felt I'd really turned it around. Yeah. And I just sprinkled a bit of fun on their morning that's what I felt so I felt my brand was quite strong in there and I'd left quite a lasting impression I went back to pick my car up I should say I tidied myself up a bit at that point there was some makeup on i changed my outfit and i saw nail polish woman

i said hiya she said could you take a seat please now i've just lent you my nail polish come on i want a bit more love that is outrageous yeah when you said the first time you weren't really you were in joggers and you weren't maybe you like put-up on since then. Well, it's funny you should say that, Gareth. OK, that might be... Because she then said to me, after being a bit... She was a bit frosty. She was a bit Captain Oates with me and I didn't like it. So I thought, I'm not one to let this lie. No.

So I said, nails look nice. That was my little passive-aggressive way of saying I've let you do that nail polish. She went, thank you. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Did she not know who you were? Well, I then had to take it one stage further, and I said,

I was here this morning. I lent you the nail polish. Do you remember? And you know what she said? You're joking. She said, you're joking. She said, you're joking. That was her verdict on my face with make-up versus my face without make-up.

Four seasons in one day. I would have put it all down. That's what make-up's for, isn't it? I mean, it is a disguise. Well done. Disguise is where it's from. It's not like Mission Impossible. It is on this one.

Emily could have been a different customer according to that reception woman. I was unrecognisable. Yeah, well done. She didn't... You're good. I didn't know it was that extreme, though. I really didn't.

I mean, and then, of course, I thought it was just her. And then the man who'd been dealing with my finances, he came over, blanked me three times. I had to say, hello. He's got your money now. So I'm here to ask you, do I really look that different without makeup? Well, it is strange because you came in and did your makeup on today, didn't you? And when you first arrived, I thought it was Frank.

Yeah. This is Frank Skinner absolute radio um so did you see this week i was very interested um because as you know i'm on an ongoing journey to you know just be all that i can be okay living your best life yeah physically you know in all levels i'm trying Physically, you know, at all levels, I'm trying to nail it. You know that. And this Marky Mark, Mark Wahlberg, I shouldn't call him Marky Mark.

Can I just say I love that you still call him Marky Mark. It's very... No, I don't think he likes it. ...cropped up in the 90s, isn't it? No, he doesn't like being called Marky Mark anymore. Mark Wahlberg, no. He's changed, yeah, he's rebranded. He knows when you say it.

Does he think that when we think of him as Marky Mark, we associate him with the time that he spent in prison? Is that the problem that he has with being called Marky? He wasn't tagged, was he? Yeah, he was. Yeah, he went to prison for... Well, I don't want to know why. Was it OK?

No, it was really really quite violent assault. Okay, okay. Oh, Alan. I mean, Alan. Oh, my. His ages are gone now. Alan, he's turned things around. Yeah, why is he in the news?

Got to forgive and forget. Get back onto the funny story. Why is he in the news? Get back onto the funny thing. He's released his daily schedule of his workout regime and his general just lifestyle for us to emulate. Two tickets to the gun show, anyone?

I don't think it was for us to emulate. I think it was for us to admire and not emulate. I think that's what it was. Okay, we'll get you in a minute, Jim Ratt. I know you've got some views on this. I'm not Jim Ratt. Kung fu. He's released a real hour-by-hour

rundown of what he does with his day. Yes, if anyone saw this, it was a schedule that I believe a fan had got in touch via Instagram and asked about his workout, which, funnily enough, isn't a request we get that often. No one asks us about our workout. No. But he had the whole schedule which he'd sent them, which started with wake-up time. Yeah, 2.30am. AM.

Yeah. AM. For any people listening to this on catch-up in the afternoon because they've slept in until 2.30pm, it's AM, he gets up. He gets up at 2.30. But just to say, right, so he gets up at 2am but he goes to sleep at half past seven.

How depressing is that? I've got no respect for any adult that goes to bed at half past seven. Nor have I. He's missing half of Channel 4 news if he's in the UK. It's light out. It's babyish. To quote Frank Skinner, get a life. I mean, honestly, I think you can honestly say,

I don't care if you've got two tickets to the condo show, the fact is, if you're going to bed at half seven, something's wrong in your life. Yeah. If you're beyond a certain age. Because what do you do? Do friends come round for dinner? Oh, yeah, we're going to serve up about 5.30.

What, it's cartoons on when you're eating? School children shrieking in the background. Yeah, I think he just does that to miss bedtime with the kids. I would do that. So I thought we'd all retire to the cinema and watch Scooby-Doo. Depressing, much? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've been talking this morning about Marky Mark. I've got to stop saying that. Yeah, Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg. That was old him. This is him 2.0. He's Mark Wahlberg. Highest paid actor in 2017.

Well, that's what I was surprised by because his schedule is described in many of the tabloids as punishing, his punishing schedule. And in one tabloid it said... That's prison, isn't it? I was going to say. I love punishing schedule. He has been inside.

In one paper it said that he earned $52 million last year. Oh, wow. You're joking. So this is him... As the woman said to me when I walked in with make-up. Presumably. I mean, I can't imagine what his schedule looked like during a busy year. This

is him having eased up. All he did is that film with the teddy bear. Why has he done so much? He's done that Ted. What else has he done? He got £51.5 million for that and then he got half a million just mowing lawns. He did a little lawn mowing around the local area

that he lives in. I mean, we should say that obviously people have been talking a lot this week about this, his regime. Punishing schedule. Piers Morgan wrote something saying you know, you can stick your Hollywood career, I don't want your life. Yeah.

And most people have been of the opinion that it's a little OT to he. Little. It is rather, I mean, I think I'm with you, Al, in that I think it it's a little OT to he. Little. It is rather. I mean, I think I'm with you, Al, in that I think it's the bedtime I object to more than anything. It's the withdrawing from life at half past seven. There's a bit of me that's pleased because I would like to know all celebrities' bedtimes.

There's a bit of me that just thinks it's fascinating. No, not creepy. Like, what time does the edge from U2 go to bed? I want to know all of them. Wow, I'd quite like that if anyone knows. Like, what time does the edge from U2 go to bed? I want to know all of them. Wow, I'd quite like that if anyone knows. Sorry, Gavin. If you get up at half two, though, it's just like getting up at half past seven

and then going to bed at half past twelve. Yeah, it's his fault. It's absolutely his fault. It's quite normal. I like the idea of celebrity bedtimes, though. If anyone does know what time any celebrities go to bed do text us on 8 12 15 um i have information frank in his day could have told us well i mean there's no lights out on the central reservation

the frank skinner show listen live every saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I'm Emily Dean. This is The Franks. Going to show on Absolute Radio. Frank's not here this morning. I've already explained. Where is he, boys? Salisbury.

Yeah, that's correct. He's in Salisbury at the moment. You can text the show on... Apparently... 123 meter. You can text the show on, apparently, 123 meter. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We're talking this morning about Mark Wahlberg.

We've got to stop calling Marky Mark. It makes us look really old. I mean, that's such a giveaway it's like when Frank says people refer to the Madonna headset yes which I'm one of those people so yes we're talking about his training schedule

and I think the thing that he was showing to people well I know what he was showing to people might find unusual it was at 9.30 after his workout, he does cryo chamber recovery. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, come on.

What's weird about a little cryo chamber? It's really cold. I don't know what that is. It's like a... I think it's... I do. Like this studio. Is it minus something?

Someone's thought out the air con. It's freezing in here. It's not as cold as this studio. I can feel myself recovering. Well, he gets in the cryo chamber recovery after a 5.30am, no, a 3.40 to 5.15am workout, then golf, and so he's doing quite a lot.

You're not sounding like stalkers. No, well, I'm reading it off his list, off his Instagram. No, we haven't done this research ourselves. This was released to the press. A little life hack for anyone. Like me, I don't do as much exercise as Mark Wahlberg, so I don't really need

a full cryo chamber recovery. What I do is I just open the freezer for a while. I just stand there for about four to five minutes. What I call that is... And just boxer shorts,

I should say. Do you need to, Abnorth? Couldn't you just go outside? Sometimes it's not cold enough, infuriatingly this summer. Wow, that's a lot. You know what I call your workout? Mark Wahlberg does, Cryo Chamber. I call yours

having a word with Captain Birdseye. Yes, indeed. That's your workout name, isn't it? A little life hack for any life hackers out there. Put your head in there. Do you put your whole body in the freezer? Have you got a full length freezer? No, it's just a lower level. Actually, we've got a spare freezer for meat.

We've got a meat freezer. Oh, have you? Yeah. I don't want to talk about your meat freezer. I've got another life hack for Mark Wahlberg. Anyone who's got a meat freezer, all I'm saying is keep an eye on them. I've got another life hack for Mark Wahlberg.

Go on. Because his daily schedule, 2.45 to 3.15am, prayer time. Now... Frank's not here. I'm not a follower of the Nazarene. This is the problem with religious privilege, that we can't even make fun

of it or ask any questions about it. Come on, grow up. Is there not a way that he could do that on like one and a half speed, like a really busy person listening to a podcast? Wow. Also. Can't he do that?

I mean, surely God would forgive going, well, I know you're a busy guy. Yep, tell us again about that violent assault and then let's get through this. Come on, come on, come on. Do it in a sort of terms and conditions apply. Exactly. Also.

Surely. Then he could spend another 15 minutes doing crunches. I'm not sure God's up at 2.45am. He's up all day, every day, isn't he? He's babyish. Are you suggesting God's not part of the hashtag 4am club? He's probably not in the area. He's busy in other parts of the world at that time.

I've heard he's got a lot on. Yeah. Do you know he shares, Mark Wahlberg shares workouts under the hashtag 4AM Club. Does he? I mean, can I just say I was once a member of that club. Hashtag 4AM Club. Someone going home from the night before in daylight.

I wasn't doing weights, put it that way. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You can text the show, by the way, on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You can text the show, by the way, on 812.15 if you fancy. We're talking about Mark Wahlberg's extraordinary regime this morning. Is it called the cryo chamber?

Yeah, it's a cryogenic recovery chamber. I think basically you put your muscles at extreme cold, which helps them get better. And you have to wear socks and gloves, I believe, and that's it. You'll be getting ready to get in it now, actually. Will he? Yeah, according to his schedule. Can you imagine?

It'll just be... Oh, if you're listening, what's wrong with you? I'm worried about some of the anomalies in the schedule. 6 till 7.30. Let's not bring those into it. 6 till 7.30, he has a shower for an hour and a half. Oh, yeah, that is a long time, isn't it? He has half an hour of golf.

Crazy golf, presumably. And then 8 till 9.30, snack. An hour and a half for a snack after golf that is a long time but then he has family time but interestingly family time doesn't he during the day when all his three children are at school

family time family time do you think Jim Rapp might be warm him up after the cryo chamber him and Mrs. Wahlberg. Is that what you're suggesting? Yeah.

Who I think has her own surname. I'm not suggesting that. She's had a snack first. Yeah, she's called Mrs. Ratt. Yeah, it's... I mean, I don't know. You could argue that, I suppose, his gains. His gains are huge, apparently.

Are they, though? How big is he? Because he does all this working out and eating. Oh, my God. I was talking about his financial package. Oh, his financial gains are massive. Yeah, yeah. But the eating, what were you saying about the diet, Al? You had some thoughts on that. Oh, my goodness. There's a lot of food on here. He starts out his day with steel oats,

blueberries and peanut butter. Steel oats? Isn't that some 70s prog rock band? It's called porridge, isn't it, in the peanut butter. Steel oats? Isn't that some 70s pro-rock band? It's called porridge, isn't it, in the States? Is it oats made of steel? Is it that hard? That's how you become... Steel oats.

You'd think that would be the breakfast for the guy that played Iron Man, wouldn't you really? But no. Bit clanky as well. Then he has a protein shake, three turkey burgers, five pieces of sweet potato

at about 5.30 in the morning. Is this all for the one meal? This is at 5.30 in the morning. Is this all for the one meal? This is at 5.30 in the morning. Oh, forget about it. At 8am, he has about... Sweet potato at 5.30 in the morning. You know what I really fancy? Sweet potato.

Turn the light on. Just before I get up. I don't like sweet potato. It's too sweet. Oh, sorry about that. You can't have it too sweet. At 8 o'clock, he has about 10 turkey meatballs at 10.30am

he has a grilled chicken salad with two hard boiled eggs olives, avocado cucumber, tomato lettuce we're nearly getting to the best bit of his day

but I've just worked out why he has all those olives because that's when everyone else would be having a martini or a canapé he has to have his olive intake

at 10.30am it's his equivalent of the 7pm canapé do he has to have his olive intake. 10.30 in the morning. 10.30 is his equivalent of the 7pm canapé. Do you see? There's more. At 1 o'clock he has a steak. At 3.30 he has a grilled chicken with bok choy. And here's his exciting moment of the day. At 5.30, 6 o'clock, I have a beautiful piece of halibut or cod or a sea bass.

Finally, he's used a word that is positive about it. The rest of it, he's just shoveling down. It's just fuel. He might just put hot sauce with it, but he's just getting it down. Yeah. I feel like he's overcompensating because I don't really believe anyone likes fish.

Do you know? A beautiful piece of halibut. Whatever, mate. You won't mistake. That reminds me of a friend of mine's mother who someone poured her a glass of water and she went, oh, this is heaven. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

I tell you what, Gareth was saying just before the break, well, it wasn't the break, it was the song break, but, you know, give me a break. Gareth was saying that he doesn't believe anybody likes fish. Yeah, no-one likes fish, really. Do you know? I mean, I get that it's good for you, but I don't think really, by choice, anyone would eat fish.

Do you know, at the age of... OK. Is that what you wanted it to be? Yeah, that's some reference to my age. Oh, is it? I... We don't know whether it means kids because we're too young. I don't know what it is.

It was written for me to commemorate my birth. Nice. I... Handle. I'm inclined to agree with you. Because I don't think I like it. I think I order it because it makes me look like, oh, I'm so clean living.

My body's a temple. Really? I don't like it. Well, Daisy, we were talking about this off air, and Daisy, the producer, said, no one likes whiskey. Good point. And I think she's right. And I've just remembered, actually,

her partner, Jermaine, is a big fan of whiskey. So I don't know what's going on there. No one likes it. Yeah. If you just put putting on a show. So actually if you can think of anything that you think no one really likes don't talk about human beings I mean I suppose you could.

It feels a bit mean. We're doing this as a concurrent texting along with Celebrity Bedtimes and Car Tire Tread. Yeah and Car Tire Tread. So what do you think no one really likes? And I say as... And don't say Millwall. 8, 12, and car tire tread. So what do you think no one really likes? Can I say? And don't say Millwall. 8, 12, 15, by the way.

As someone with a religious upbringing, I would say church. Keep it light, mate. Church. People don't like church. No, church. Wow. I think you do it because when I think back, never a good gig. That's interesting.

The music was bad. Oh, don't say that. Oh, I quite like some of the hymns. The talk wasn't very funny, really. When you see the jokes that vicars get away with, it really is outrageous. Can I just say... Easy crowd.

Do people laugh more indulgently? Do they get... Yeah, it's like watching Shakespeare. Anything anywhere near funny, people are laughing at when it's not funny. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I see. They're preaching to the converted, really, aren't they?

Lovely. Singing to the choir. Preaching to the choir, pushing at an open door. I would say... Choir are a tough crowd, actually. Are they? Yeah. Preaching to the choir, really hard work.

Are they quite tough? Yeah, they're just there to sing. They don't like the sermon. Don't get into it. I suppose they're here there to sing. They don't like the sermon. Don't get into it. I suppose they hear quite a lot of them as well. They're like bar staff in a comedy club. Oh God, another guy doing stuff about so and so. Why aren't I singing?

I don't know if, yeah, I mean we were talking about olives earlier. Do people really like olives? Do they? I mean, Sarah on our team is nodding. I think she's just doing it to be quirky. I don't know if I believe that.

My little boy Ethan likes black olives. Oh, really? He likes black olives and sushi. Oh, does he? Can I say happy birthday to... Oh, no. I told you we don't do requests on the show. We've had a birthday request, and I'm going to do it,

because I think it's nice. Jude, he's eight today. He do requests on the show. We've had a birthday request and I'm going to do it because I think it's nice. Jude, he's eight today. He's listening to the show, listens every week. Happy birthday, Jude. What's happened to this show? Hey, Jude. Oh, is that what this was all about? We can't think of any song to play for him,

but we're just going to say, hey, Jude, happy birthday. 848 has texted, coffee. Nobody really likes coffee. Grown- ups just drink it to impress other grown ups vile brown bitter mud anything that is an acquired taste

you didn't like it mate do you think do you think that's right about coffee I definitely think non what I call milkshake coffee which is what I like

people don't like you know what people don't like an espresso oh yeah horrible I'll have an espresso please you don't want that 545 nobody really likes vegetable smoothies they're green for a start good shout

matt and brum i love matt and brum this is frank skinner absolute radio we've been talking this morning about what people, well, we think they pretend to like, don't we? They say they like. What no one really likes. What no one really likes. For example, Gareth gave the very good example of fish. I mean, I like to think that's how it all began, this.

That was the birth of this text in on 8.12.15. I've got one to add, throw in the mix, Christmas markets. I mean, no one likes it. Everyone goes, should we go to the Christmas market? No one is there out of choice. Amen. Everyone wanders around that Christmas market. It's cold.

Worst time of year for markets, FYI. No one likes a Christmas market. Overpriced. Yep. Gingerbread. Load of nuts. Pretzels. Mulled wine. We're putting that in as well. I don nuts. Pretzels. Mulled wine.

We're putting that in as well. I don't think anybody really likes mulled wine, do they? Okay. Is that allowed in? I think that's allowed in. If only there was some sort of room we could pour this stuff into. Oh, wait. Maybe this isn't the most original thing.

397's suggesting raisins. I like raisins. Get back in your box, 397. Sorry. Have we got any more suggestions? 927's suggesting raisins. I like raisins. Get back in your box, 397. Sorry. Have we got any more suggestions? 927 asparagus. Asparagus? I don't know about asparagus.

I like asparagus as well. I think I like asparagus, but maybe I don't. You think you like it. Maybe I don't like asparagus. I think 927 might have a point. I'll tell you what I do think. Whenever I've ordered asparagus, I'm being a little bit of a show-off.

Are you? I think I want people to think I'm grown up and a sophisticated lady. Right. Bring me some of that asparagus that looks like a weird alien vegetable from the future. Yes, and it's always sort of presented in an odd way that I don't really like, like a five-bar gate. I don't want that with my food. 794 has suggested calamari with its suckers on show.

Gross. Suckers should only be for sticking things to your car window. That's a very good point. Is it calamari, though, if it's got suckers? Is it octopus? Let's not get bogged down with the whole fish thing. But I agree with you. I think anything Oh, that's a good one, actually.

Anything where too much information, should we say about the animal is presented I think no one really likes that I'm a bit different on this I use a calamari with its suckers on show to keep my sat-nav

stuck to the front window of the car we're all different we've all got different uses for stuff 1A9 guys get ready for this one self-serve tills in supermarkets. Oh, yeah, no-one likes those. Oh, yeah.

I like bants. I like bants with the people at the counter. Hello, how are you, Janice, or whatever, you know? You see, controversially, I'm going to suggest that no-one really likes bants. Let's get back to that. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, anything from our readers this morning? Well, I'm afraid Gareth, whether accidentally or on purpose, has lit up the switchboard with his texting idea of what do you think people don't actually like? They're just pretending to fit in with other grown-ups. I think this show people pretend to like. It's impossible. I love the Thanksgiving show. It's really cool.

No one's texted that in yet. 913 has texted oysters, all in capitals, and five exclamation marks. Love you, 913. And I agree with you. They continue with an observation about asparagus, but I don't think I should read that on the radio. Steady. I agree with you. They continue with an observation about asparagus, but I don't think I should read that on the radio. That's steady. I agree about oysters.

I think people like to order them because it's very, Madame, the oysters presentation. And then it comes on this huge thing and it's, oh, I don't want to eat that. It's like bungee jumping where it's like a thing to do. It's an experience. Oh, we ate that horrible thing. Well, I think no one likes roller coasters either.

Oh, I don't like those. Oh, exactly. But you know when people say, I love a roller coaster? Yeah. I don't believe you. Yeah, I don't like that. I think you think it's cool. You're trying to be cool.

342 has suggested hot weather. Well, don't get me started on this, because I love a bit of heat. You like a bit of heat? Yeah. Well, we're all different, aren't get me started on this, because I love a bit of heat. You like a bit of heat? Yeah. Well, we're all different, aren't we? 189, Alan from Bournemouth, has completely missed a point and said speed bumps. Oh, no.

You're not meant to like those. No one claims to love speed bumps. Although I think I might now. I might put that on my Twitter bio. Speed bump lover. Well, I like them, but that's partly because I'm a big fan of most road traffic calming measures.

I live on a 20 mile an hour road and people are flagrant in their disregard for it. It's very dangerous. Come on, guys. There's repeater signs all the way down the road. Okay, yeah, okay. We love you and we're here for you. It's very dangerous. Come on, guys. There's repeater signs all the way down the road. Okay, yeah. Okay. We love you and we're here for you. We were talking about

Marky Mark's schedule. Yes, we were. Is yours similar, Gareth? Well, would you like to hear my schedule for Wednesday? Sure. Sure. So, seven... Howdy-do. Seven fifty a.m. Okay. Got up. I have to get up to make the sandwiches for the boys for school

is there any reason why you've chosen Wednesday? you just like that day I just thought it was a good example of my life 8.30am went back to sleep which doesn't happen all the time but that day I managed to go back to sleep set the alarm for 10am.

10am, press snooze. Okay. And then I did that every eight minutes. You're not asleep, you're getting in. Every eight minutes. And then eventually woke up at 11.45. You got up at 11.45? Yeah.

Got back up. He'd already done a bit of his day. But you've done your media studies degree already. And from 11.45 till 12, I felt bad about having slept that long. Just the 15 minutes of feeling bad. Also half. For the two hours of sleep. What a great idea to schedule in 15 minutes feeling bad time.

Well, Mark Wahlberg does half an hour of prayer. That's the same thing, isn't it? Frank. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio What were we talking about? Oh, Gareth

Yes We're in the middle of hearing about Gareth Richards' regime We've heard Mark Wahlberg's fitness regime this week and now we're going to hear all about Gareth Richards

I think it's fair to say we're hearing Gareth Richards' less punishing schedule. Where did we get to, Earl? Well, I punished myself. He got up at 11.45. He pressed snooze for two hours in eight-minute intervals and then felt guilty for a while.

And that is unusual nowadays. Normally, generally, I go for a run in the morning. Well, a couple of times a week. But that day, right, and I've got a bone to pick with you, Emily. A couple of times a week. Quite the Mark Wahlberg here. I'm a 50. We should also say.

That's very good for me. This news just in, in case you weren't listening before. Gareth schedules in 15 minutes in order to feel bad about himself. Does that happen between 11.45 and midday? I wouldn't say this is what I do every day and I schedule it in, but just that's what happened that day. When I look back, I realise I just spent a quarter of an hour

lying in bed feeling bad about myself. Okay. You can just go on Twitter, I find. That always helps. Yeah, and that's what I did after I had some muesli. I went on social media and then that makes you feel bad about yourself as well. Hang on, don't miss that out of your schedule.

Muesli? What time is muesli? Muesli? I mean, it doesn't sound... What time is muesli? Sorry, it's a little dance track that I'm working on. That was 12 o'clock that day. Because Mark Wahlberg has steel oats, but you have muesli. No, mine were normal.

Normal, edible oats. Okay. And that day, it was 5 o'clock before I went for a run. Okay. And that was too late. Do you know why? Why? Two time.

Two time traffic. People have come out of work and taken their dogs for a walk. Right, yeah. And Emily, I know you do an excellent podcast, The Walking the Dog Podcast, which I like very much. I don't want to talk about that. But I've got a bone to pick with you about dogs. A bone to pick would be lovely work. I should have called the

podcast that. A bone to pick with you. You can have that. That can be your catchphrase. Feet Emily Dean. Go on. I was running on a golf course in the nearby open space. What, directly through the golf course? It's a public golf course.

Yeah, a public golf course where people... Oh! Gareth. Yeah. You know tennis... What are they talking about? Doing a lot of sums. Tennis courts are public as well,

but you don't run across them. Good point. No, lots of people... Football pitches. It adds jeopardy. That's true. You run across a golf course. You need something to run away from.

What happens when you get to the holes? Do you just dodge them? I don't think they're that big. I don What happens when you get to the holes? Do you just dodge them? I don't think they're that big. I don't run from the tee to the hole. I don't do like a round. Okay. So you're on the golf course.

Yeah. And there was someone, a lady with her dog, very tiny dog. Right. Was it like some sort of Yorkshire Terrier or something? Would that be a small dog? I don't know the dog sorts. Okay, that sounds right, yeah. Dogs.

No one really likes dogs. I'm not going to win Would that be a small dog? I don't know the dog sorts. Okay, that sounds right, yeah. Dogs. No one really likes dogs. I'm not going to win with that one, am I? Okay, that's a lot. But anyway, it looked at me when I was running past and I realised I'd run past its ball. And then what happened, right, is I ran on and I had headphones in so I wasn't fully paying attention and then all of a sudden and it was right at my

it was chasing me and I screamed and leapt into the air and it chased me for about a minute. Yeah. Wow. I had to run up. Well, if you were thinking

that Gareth wasn't as macho as Mark Wahlberg, I'd like to think this story has given you a different version of that. So were you frightened of the dog? Yes, I was very frightened. And my son, Ethan, Elijah, he doesn't like dogs because he says they think he's food. And I think that he thought I was food. Well, Gareth, I'm sorry you had a bad dog experience.

Well, you know what I think you can do? The good thing is, it's coming up. It's nearly 11.45. You can use your 15 minute period to feel sad. About dogs. back dog you're listening to the frank skinner podcast from absolute radio want your frank fix a little sooner listen live every saturday from 8 a.m on absolute radio across the uk on digital radio mobile apps and in london and the southeast on 105.8 fm absolute radio uh what's been happening

boys well i'd like to discuss a news story that has caught my attention, where a man who had a bookshop in West Wales has given it away in a raffle... Yes, I heard about this. ..to a Dutch man who I don't think wanted it. It's a terrible joke set up. Yeah, and the Dutch man is going to co-run it with an Icelandic person that he's never met in the flesh.

They have only ever met online. In the flesh is troubling. And it's in West Wales. I mean, it feels like a sort of a post-Brexit dystopian version of black books, doesn't it? There's something terrible that's going to happen in episode three, I think. I heard about this, and what was strange about it, I mean, what wasn't strange about it,

but the man, the bookshop owner, entered people who spent more than £20 into a prize draw. And careful. I know Big Daddy's away, but come on. Now, firstly, I'd like to ask, did anyone get a choice in this? Because if I bought a book worth £20,

if I go in and buy a copy of, you know, Many Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them, I don't want to be then given a bookshop. Just off the top of your head. I don't want the admin of... I don't want a phone call with my receipt saying we need to talk about staffing issues if you could come in on Monday. Who needs that

in their life? I don't want bookshops. If anyone wants to gift me one, I love bookshops. You don't want a bookshop? Don't want to own one. Weirdo. Doesn't want to own a bookshop. But the Dutchman, well, I don't think he wants to. He's called Sege Enver Herden.

Is he? He said, I was shocked. I had to have a sit down and a coffee. Oh, there's a brilliant quote. That doesn't sound like a happy winner, Al. He said, I had a coffee and a sit down to take it all in. Which makes me think he's the Dutch Alan Bennett. I had a coffee and a sit down to take it all in.

I love it. I love him. What does he currently do? Is he a tailor? What I find strange about that is his response, his response felt, I think, that was the proper response. That's how I would have responded. It's shocking news. It is shocking news.

It's not party popper emoji news. It needs processing. It's a lot of responsibility, isn't it? What about this character from Iceland? Yeah, this is very strange. He's met a guy online and he's going to run a bookshop. Sounds like when, you know when people meet up

to cannibalise each other? That's what it sounds like, doesn't it? Can we just say, I'm absolutely ready who's not suggesting that the man from Iceland... No. However, I know what you mean.

I mean, I would just be... I would find out what his reading matter of choice is first. He seems like he hasn't run a small business before and he doesn't know the interview process that normally goes into hiring employees. Yeah. And he's like giving him a share as well, isn't he?

He's giving him his own everything. Although the Dutch guy, you know when you split the bill, it's called going Dutch. You think that's what's happened? Do they do that with everything? Well, I'm just telling Alan what happens when you split the bill. Oh, I see. Yeah, sometimes.

Alan Hayes' way, can I just say. More than pay my way. So the Dutch people split everything with someone 50-50. Is that why it's called going Dutch? Yes, the going Dutch, maybe. Well, then that's very worrying. Don't hand over your business to the Icelandic man. I mean, he might be fine.

Look, I'm sure it'll all be fine. Svein Bjorn. Is that the name of everything? Okay. I just worry he might be a bit... Have you got any copies of American Cycle, please? We're talking about this bookshop, which a man, a Dutch man, won in a prize draw,

and it's a Welsh bookshop, isn't it? It is. It's in Cardigan. You'd think it'd be a knitwear shop that you'd get from Cardigan. Now, that I would want to win. Is this on? Is this on? Cardigan, knitwear. I would really want to win that you would

you'd like a knitwear shop a cardigan shop because you know I mean Arsene Wenger is for me he brought back not sexy but the cardigan

he did bring back the cardigan yeah gone but not forgotten Arsene the thing that I find still alive yeah can we just

establish Arsene Wenger is very much still alive he's not gone no he hasn't gone no I don't think so he has gone he has gone He's still alive. Yeah, can we just establish Arsene Wenger is very much still alive? He's not gone. No. He hasn't gone. No, I don't think so. He has gone. He has gone.

From his job. Yeah, but not gone. But not gone in that way. No. Everything is fine in the Wenger household, okay? As far as we know. As far as we know. They played.

That's a bus company now, I've heard. They played The Winner Takes It All at what they called the ceremony. The winning ceremony. For winning a bookshop you didn't want. Like they knew that it was somehow going to be connected to Northern Europe. Oh, yeah. But also, what a strange choice of song, I think.

Because it's a very mournful ballad about lost love. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's so tense. No self-confidence. Tell me, does she kiss like I used to kiss you? You don't... I mean, it must have been a weird answer. There was the Icelandic man making of that.

He wasn't there. He wasn't there. He's only online. He's an online presence. It's accepting. Oh, it sounds horrible. Please, if anyone online. He's an online presence. It's accepting. Oh, it sounds horrible. Please, if anyone ever described me as an online presence, it's never going to happen, let's be honest.

Yeah. Yeah, there's something. Look, it's great because I'm sure we're all fans of bookshops, especially independent ones, but I just think you've got to think. Yeah, he isn't. It is an independent one, isn't it? He does have the permission to pass it on to somebody. I mean, actually, the man...

Legal letter from Waterstones. He's just given away our bookshop. The man who set up Bookends, the shop in question, has a bit of a rogue history anyway. It says here... Does it feel the same? He set up the bookshop, Bookends, when he saw on eBay 18,000 books for sale,

and it went from there. Really? Drinker. Late night, finished the wine, wife's gone to bed, wonder what's on eBay. Oh, now I've got a bookshop. Was that a job lot, or did he just notice there were 8, what's on eBay. Oh, now I've got a bookshop. Was that a job lot or did he just notice there were 8,000 books on eBay?

I'm watching 18,000 books and they all finish on Tuesday. Is it like when Paul Merson used to stay up gambling on anything he could get his hands on? I'm not suggesting for certain that he's a drinker but just that's a mistake I've made in the past is buying things on eBay when up at night Absolutely. He was casting

no aspersions on the bookend's night. Absolute Radio is casting no aspersions on the bookends owner. Well, my big announcement... It did sound a bit like drunk shopping. Yeah, go on now. Have you won something? My big announcement is we are raffling off Absolute Radio. I bought something from John Lewis a few weeks ago.

Maybe my name's in the hat to earn that. Yeah, there are certain shops that I would... I don't know, I mean, obviously a clothes shop, I'd be happy with that. Yeah, I'd be all right with that. But I'd have to organise someone else to run it, and I don't think I'd choose someone from Iceland off the internet, but, you know, it's just me.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about this business that this character's won in a raffle. The Dutchman. I don't like to sound like a seasoned man of the world, but I've entered a few raffles in my time. Yes, I know you have. Never won a business. Any of you guys?

With all due respect to Mario Bellatelli, why never me? Remember he said, why always me? Why never me? Why do I never win a business? But would you want a business thrust upon you? Yes. I'll tell you what the thing is. 18 or 15, if you'd let Alan to run your business. Yeah. Here's the

thing about a business, or like shares in something, or you know when people say... Oh, there we go, this is when he does his Trump stuff. When people say they've got like a side hustle. The art of the deal. Oh, yeah, I invested in such and such years ago. I always get a bit jealous because I'd like to have an investment

or like a piece of a business. You know, I've got a bit of a restaurant or I've got a bit of this or I've got a bit of that. I like the idea of it, but only in past tense. Yeah, yeah. I don't like the idea of actually having to do the beatings. You don't want to do it. And the actual doing of it.

It's like everyone says no one likes writing, everyone likes having written. Do you see? Oh, that's good. That is good. But I would say what you could be great at, Al. Nothing. Well, you say that, but I've got a little idea.

Oh, yeah. Which involves... I don't want to go to the gym. Alan's Kung Fu Gym. Hang out? No. You wouldn't want to do a little jiu-jitsu

meeting place? No, because you have to be good at jiu-jitsu which I'm not and also there's the danger of people better than you coming in and choking you

in front of all your customers. That would be horrible. Well, that could happen at the bookshop if the Icelandic man has his way. It's less embarrassing if all you do is sell books.

You're not expected to be able to defend a chook. I'll tell you another business I wouldn't like. Go on. We're talking about businesses Alan wouldn't like this morning. Texting on 8.12.15. I'd hate to... You know, a lot of people say, oh, I'd love a cafe or a coffee shop.

Oh, I'd love to run a coffee shop. Oh, terrible idea. Awful. Some coffee shops... you know when the staff get that little thing that's basically like a tiny frying pan, like a handle.

It's essentially a wooden handle with like a metal bit. And then they go, and they absolutely batter it off a counter. Oh, are you talking about the barista? Yeah, the baristas.

When they start just smashing metal off the coffee. It's talking about the barista? Yeah, the baristas. When they start just smashing metal off the coffee. It's so noisy in the coffee shop, isn't it? That's the bit that makes me want to kill them. Too much noise in the coffee shop. No champagne in the champagne room and too much noise in the coffee shop. I have a thing that hasn't been medically diagnosed, but I'm pretty certain

that I've got it. It's called misophonia, where you get very angry at repeated noises. And I've got that. How do called misophonia, where you get very angry at repeated noises. And I've got that. How do you deal with this show, then? Well, because it's not the same sound. But if we're to, you know, tap or mouth eating. Relentlessly.

That sort of stuff. It makes me angry. I've changed carriages on trains a few times because somebody's been eating loudly. Have you? Yeah. I've got all my stuff and I've moved because I feel just like a rage.

You feel the territorial hostility rising up in you. And I know that I shouldn't, but I haven't got any control over it. Being a barista or running a coffee shop would make me so upset. Well, I know what you mean about the coffee shop. At least the knitwear place would be nice and silent, wouldn't it?

I don't mind folding a few sort of argyles like that i love folding a few knits it's quite calming but the coffee thing would be and everyone's in a rush everyone's demanding oh no not for me can i say that the listeners have absolutely nailed a song with gareth in oh oh three different listeners 55407055 oh no 554 was twice um the happy birthday song oh excellent happy birthday to you birthday dear gareth no they've nailed it right um oh yeah we were talking about there's no songs with gareth and that is you and that is an official song for you so so while you would run it's not a coffee shop for you? Not a coffee shop. Not a tea shop, either.

Do you really get tea shops these days? I think Moby's got one in New York. Has he? I think so. He hasn't really. I think he has, yeah. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We heard from many of our lovely readers this morning. Al? We have. We've had a variety. And 526, I feel like... We don't normally read praise, but Frank isn't here. Oh, go on, then.

526, hi, I'm a new listener to your Saturday morning programme. Just wanted to say you've all made me laugh this morning from Sue in Somerset. Sue, this is not what it normally is. I mean, Somerset. Sue, this is not what it normally is. I mean, it's normally funny, but this is not what it normally is. I don't want you to think that this is... I'm just trying to

make sure that we haven't created a promise. I think what you meant to say, Alan, was thank you. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Sue in Somerset. And if you've got any bookshops going in Somerset, what do they have? Cream teas or something? They have books in Somerset. That was nice of you to say. And if you've got any bookshops going, no, Somerset, what do they have? Cream teas or something? They have books in Somerset.

I think they do have some books, yeah. 514, we were discussing what people don't like. Oh, yeah. Accents. I hate accents. Why has everybody got an accent? I haven't bothered with one. It's not held me back.

That's from Neil in Penge, who I think is a regular texter and wit. I like Neil's concept of not bothered with one. It's not held me back. That's from Neil in Penge, who I think is a regular texter and wit. I like Neil's concept of not bothering with one. Like an accent is something that you elect to bother with. I think I'll bother with that accent. I'm not sure we can put that in the room. If there is such a thing. There is a room, but yeah.

Gareth? Gareth! Yeah, so I said I went running. Oh, I got some new running shoes. Oh, did you? For your gruelling twice-a-week running schedule. Yes, because I left my running shoes in Edinburgh, and it was quite an experience.

It was a local shop, and I'd never had this before. League of Gentlemen. It was for local shop, and I'd never had this before. League of Gentlemen. It was for local people. And they videoed me running. Oh, yes. They got me to run. To check your gait. Sorry, what is this?

Yeah. IT. They video you in the shop? They got me on a treadmill. A treadmill? Yeah, on a running machine. And then they videoed the back of my feet as I was running. Are you sure it was your feet?

Yes. And then they showed me the video and they say, and so do you see how your heel's coming down before? And so this one's a bit off and so we need to correct that. Are you an over-pronator? Yeah, they said, do you see that? What does that mean? I don't know, I just said it.

I know, but I quite like it. I think there's... Basically, your foot can strike the floor with your outside of your heel or your inside. Some people do it too much of one or the other. OK. I like that. It's quite tired tread.

I enjoy it. Yeah. And they said, do you see how your foot's going like that? And I said, yes, but I meant no. I couldn't see anything happening. Could you not understand it? So important words to get right, those.

I always find that quite... Were they speaking in forked tongues to you? Yeah. So what did... And then he brought out a big pile of boxes for me to try on. And then, so I put them... I don't want to put boxes on. No, there were shoes inside.

Were they nice trainers? Yeah, they were nice. Running shoes are rarely attractive. They were gaudy. Is that the thing to call them running shoes now? Instead of trainers? No, it wasn't trainers. It was running shoes for running.

What's the difference then? About £60. £60. So you bought them? Well, I tried them on and then he said he had me put them on and they said so if you just

run out the shop and run down to the end of the block oh it's weird and then come back do they really let you do that I was gone I never

free shoes guys can I just say free shoes when you go to a lady smart shoes shop they don't say if you could just go down to that cocktail bar, order an espresso martini,

pick a man up and come back. Because really, you should have that option. That's really what you should try with this if they work. That's exactly it. You can't take the flip-flop down to the seaside for the day. What are these trainer shops doing? So did you, we're all dying to know, did you emerge with purchases?

I did buy some shoes, yeah. Being a bit coy about it. Well. What are they like? Well, he said I could buy them for full price. And when he told me the full price, I was like, I'm going to need to go away and think about it. And then he said, stay with me, I might have something for you. And he came back with the ugliest pair of shoes you have ever seen in your life for half the price and i got them

you know what a lovely ending to that story frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio yeah mark walberg what's he doing? Well, it's good. I like to consult his schedule that he put on Instagram. Do you know how? I'd like a sort of what would Mark do right now? And the answer is usually go to bed if it's after 7pm.

Try not to think about that thing he did when he was 16. Terrible business. I've got a slight button to pick with Gareth, who went rogue earlier and mentioned some eight-year-old's birthday that was listening to the show, like with that kind of show. Yeah, he went a bit capsule radio. Hi, this is Elisha, Jude's sister. We were meant to record your shout-out for his eighth birthday.

See, you've made us the kind of show that does shout-outs. Yes, thanks, Gareth. To send to our mum, who had to go to Bournemouth because my big sister is off to uni for four years. That's why he's done it. It's Bournemouth. It's one of his locals. Daddy is looking after us.

Oh, God, do we need all this, Alicia? Okay. Daddy is looking after us, so please could you say it again? Okay, happy birthday to Jude on his eighth birthday. How lovely. Happy birthday, Jude. How lovely. Hey, Jude. And it's nice. I can't think of what song to lovely. Happy birthday, Jude. How lovely.

Hey, Jude. And it's nice. I can't think of what song to play. Hold on a minute. Alicia, podcast. One word for you. Podcast. We have recorded this for you.

It's released on a podcast on iTunes. Yeah, we'll take out any bits that aren't age appropriate. They are. It's all fine. It's all age appropriate. This is good, okay. Yeah. Good, well, take out any bits that aren't age-appropriate. They are. It's all fine. It's all age-appropriate. This is good, OK? Yeah. Good.

Well, we've done that. OK. Anyone else been in touch with us? Yes. Any other readers? Yeah. 510 has said, who likes stuffing? We only have it at Christmas, not the rest of the year.

How dare you? I like a stuffing. Anything else? Come on, come on. We're really going to end with that. I like a stuffing. stuffing i mean it seems that way really seriously it's a good one yeah i just remember i like a good i just remembered i got some oh my heavens i don't know what to say that can't be the last that can't be the last line of

the show why not it's just christmas bands are we going to go with that? Okay. It's a Christmas related band. Let's make that the last line of the show. If you like. Okay. That's official here. I was going to tell you about when I won a, when I was awarded something, which was a prize in a beauty competition as a child. Oh.

Third. Okay. So thanks for that. I find it very triggering actually talking about it. Is that before or after you've done your make-up? On that bombshell. Thank you so much for joining us this morning. It's been lovely having you here,

Gareth Richards and Alan Cochran, of course. Be seeing you. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio, back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.