The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Table for three

Episode Date: June 3, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Emily is in Frank's chair and is joined by Alun Cochrane and Gareth Richards. They discuss covfefe, dining out rules and memory tactics.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is the Frank Skinner Show. My name's Emily Dean and I'm standing in Frank's chair. That would be extraordinary. I'm sitting in Frank's chair, which is always an honour. But, you know, heavy is the head that wears the tiara, so go easy on me. I think I'm like the Bitcoin to his gold when I replace him. Do you think that's fair, Alan? Getting more valuable every day. Oh, I love you.

You can stay. Used by freaks. And weirdos on the internet. This morning I'm joined, you've heard them already, by the supersonic Alan Cochran. Quite happy with that. And Spectacle Wearer of the Year, Gareth Richards.

Hello, everybody. Yeah. You weren't actually Spectacle Wearer of the Year. But you should have been. That was a travesty, a miscarriage of justice. You can text the show on 8-12-15. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email the show if you're from 1993.

That's via the Absolute Radio website, of course. How are you, boys? Smashing. Very good, thank you. I'm speaking for myself, Gareth, sorry. I like smashing. Yeah. I was really excited this week because I know he's not here, Big Daddy,

but he was on the telly this week. He's always on the telly. He's on the telly, yeah. He is, isn't he? Work with everyone. But he was in a documentary about muhammad ali oh and it was absolutely brilliant and it was one of those things where i was a little bit nervous because i thought what if it's not very good but he was no but you just never know but he was

fantastic on it's always good oh oh well done you like sitting in that little chair don't you make yourself comfortable no he was really good in it. And I realised, because he knows about his subject and he's well-read and all that kind of stuff, you don't normally see documentaries being presented by people that kind of know stuff anymore. Because it's normally a Channel 5 reality person saying, I went to go and find out exactly what the truth was

about cosmetic surgery. Right, yeah. And it wasn't that. It was someone really smart. So I loved it. Right, yeah. And it wasn't that. It was someone really smart. So I loved it. I recommend that you watch it. It's called... Is it just called Muhammad Ali, Daisy?

It's on the iPlayer. Frank Skinner on, on the iPlayer. Yeah. I watched a documentary the other day about a pawnbroker's... Oh, God, my heart was in my mouth for a moment. Mine too. Alan, I felt absolutely sick, did you?

Quite ill, yeah. No, like a pound shop. We've got to have that. It's on during the day now. OK. Just lots of... Oh, I'm sorry to break off from that anecdote, which I like the sound of.

However, we've got some exciting news this morning. Oh, yeah. Is it news just in? Well, no, it's not just in. The bad news is we're still in this tiny studio with no air con, where the microphones don't work. The good news is we've got, I'm not

going to call it a sponsor, I'm going to call it Mummy's new friend. Oh, okay. A sponsor. Yes. Is it our new dad? I'm going to stick with a sponsor. Well, it just sounds less fiscally motivated. Mummy's new friend is Hovis. Oh.

That's our new friend of the show. They sponsor the show, don't they, Daisy? They're sponsoring us now. So, you know, this is good news because bread is actually back in fashion. Oh, yeah. So there you go. It's fashionable again. It's very naff to avoid the bread basket.

So thanks, Hovis. Hovi, as I call you. I don't know if that's OK. You've given it a term of endearment already. For bread. Honey, if it's paying my bills, it's my friend. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So I was talking about Frank's fabulous Muhammad Ali documentary. And one thing I noticed during it, because you know when a friend's in something, you watch it with a slightly different mindset. And so I was thinking, oh, he's wearing that jumper again. Oh, that looks nice.

I'm glad he's chosen that jumper. And then I thought, oh, he's got that Mac on. That's interesting, because it's a bit of a cold New York he's got that mac on that's interesting because it's a bit of a cold new york winter i don't think that's going to give him the protection he needs but i also was so impressed because during the documentary you know they drive places in these documentaries oh yeah they show the talent behind the wheel i like it it makes me feel like they're one of us and frank's you know he driving, I think he's in Kentucky. And, well, blow me down, he's driving on the other side of the road.

Frank Skinner, on the other side of the road, like a big old man. Like a Cochran. I don't get you. Well, I just think driving on the other side of the road is really impressive when people do it. Is that unusual? Oh, my my god wait till you get to europe okay have you ever done it gareth no i i knew that don't take that the wrong way but i think it's probably self-policing that there's cars coming the other way yeah so i think whilst you might be tempted initially to drive on your normal side i think the cars hurtling at you incredible speeds probably

persuades you to keep on your the right side but i just i suppose what it does seem like very tricky i just think someone like frank is because i consider him one of mine which is you know not that sporty all that kind of stuff late to swimming late to driving and then there he is not a care in the world like jack kerouac on the road oh yeah i was really impressed so i you strike me as very much other side of the road type i've done a little bit of foreign driving now what is it because it seems to me like either it's oh no this is easy or do you feel like you're gonna freak out uh no i think it's i think it's easy in long straight lines and then you get to a roundabout and think that you're going to do it wrong on the exit okay the moment you exit a

roundabout you think have i just reverted to what i do at home and as you say there is always the healthy reminder of a vehicle coming at you well in fairness out my first and only and i say only experience of it was on a hairpin Bend in Montenegro where they filmed the James Bond movie. So maybe that wasn't a good start for me. But no, I was really, you know, hats off to him. And I noticed he's in really good company because did you see the Queen

was driving this week? Person also driving. No, but what I'm saying is she's 91. Well, did you know that she doesn't have to have a driving licence? Did know that. The monarch doesn't have to have a driving licence. You sounded like that child in...

Just one of the perks. You sounded like that child in Jerry Maguire. Did you know? To be fair, being queen is a job that comes with loads of perks. And not needing a driving licence is pretty low down, isn't it? Yeah, but she wore the hat in the car, which I liked. Crown, I think you call it. No, it was a hat.

I'm only kidding. And with fruit on it. What? Well, it was a bit like, you know that Dastardly and Muttley where he wears gloves and a hat on in the car? Yeah, she looked a bit strange. But I think I'd like to do that when I get to that age. I hope I'm still bombing around. Yeah. I guess she doesn't

need a driving licence because if anyone needs to see some ID she can just use cash. Yeah, yeah. She thinks she's ever she thinks she's got like a laminate machine and she's made her own driving licence just with a stamp where her face would be. I like the idea

of her having some lines for that. Like when people asked her for ID. Try this, pal. Getting out of 50. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I've had a lovely week

with my puppy, Ray. Excellent. Have you been on a little break? Well, no. I mean, it's a bit early for Ray. Excellent. Have you been on a little break? Well, no. I mean, it's a bit early for that. I thought you meant you'd been on a holiday with the dog. No, we've been spending a lot of quality time together. Cutie. Nice. Yeah, which is really nice. Or there are two things.

Just call Emily a cutie. No. I like abbreviations. I like our relationship going in a slightly different direction. Do you, cutie? I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying this whole new phase. What's Frank going to say? Oh, he's going to be jealous.

So, Ray is rather fabulous. I know you're a big fan. I am, yeah. Alan, we're getting there with you. He's a tiny dog, isn't he? Just explain to new listeners, readers, that Ray is Emily's tiny, cute dog. He's a little shih tzu. Bless you.

Thank you. Thank you for taking that in a clean direction. Yeah, exactly. But we're having issues with his comfort breaks, if we can put it that way. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you've already put it in stronger terms just moments ago. He's all over the shop, guys.

Oh, dear. There's no easy way to say this. So I'm working at the moment in my friend Jonathan's office. Jonathan? Rob's. Rob's, yes. Okay. Which is lovely.

It's a lovely office. But he's got a yellow carpet which will come as no surprise to anyone who's familiar with him and his clothes it's a bright yellow carpet I'm not sure what it was, there was a film Watchmen and I think they had a yellow a red carpet that was yellow

and I don't know if he was inspired by that or maybe he got cheap off cut I don't know but it's all bright yellow I'm just the guy to get a cheap off cut. I don't know, but it's all right yellow. This is the guy to get a cheap off cut and go, yeah, yeah, yellow will do. It looks fabulous. Sounds great. Anyway. Until the puppy arrives.

Exactly. Although for some things that might be quite handy. How's he enjoying his light brown carpet? Recently light brown. Exactly. For certain parts, for certain parts of the comfort break operation it's fine yeah for others not so much so yeah and i went into the office the other day i was doing some work i was writing and then i left cleaning for him i've been working in my friend's office

i am now i am cleaning now that's part of the deal and then i got a text from him later saying uh i see you were in the office earlier and it was a photograph of ray's shame ray's shame very elegantly put he'd photographed ray's shame two shames he'd done right and he didn't see those shames sent me the picture well that's my story i wasn't gonna pick that up was i someone else can do that. So it's awkward. You know, you take him to a friend. He went to the bathroom in...

Now that we've got a friend sponsoring us, I'm not going to mention any brand names, but he went to the bathroom in a bookstore, in a high street bookstore, and they were all crowding over him going, oh, my God, he's adorable, he's so cute. And then he did a... Let's call it shame number

one okay he did a whoopsie on the floor and the woman said oh i'll just go mop this up she got a mop she got two of those yellow hazard things i mean it was it was like there'd been a murder somewhat overdoing it you've been spending a lot of time in the crime section of that bookshop, hasn't you? Honestly, Al, it was like a kind of police procedural drama. There were yellow, there were these yellow things everywhere. She had a mop, people were crowding around. There was a three-year-old in the vicinity. Danger. No, I just, I might have made it look a bit like maybe the kids have done it.

Is that so wrong? The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. Oh, you can text us, by the way, on 8.12.15 if you have anything interesting to say or just if you want to say hello, why not?

Not necessarily about dogs soiling yellow carpets. No. It could be anything. Because that's quite specialist interest i appreciate true that the other thing i'm discovering about dogs can we just peg you back momentarily because you you showed uh daisy the producer a photograph of said accident um but didn't show us which makes you think there's some oh really why do you think it's a conspiracy theory? What's your shame? I just felt passing around photographs of Ray's shame

might not be a nice way to start the morning. I mean, I'm talking about it to a lot of people. I don't know how many listeners we've got. But just so FYI, Hovis, it's a lot of listeners. I think you've misread the situation. We really wanted to see it. OK. Well, I wanted to...

I mean, I don't want to be vulgar and turn this show crass but i wanted to know about the size because surely he's such a tiny dog like he can't be i mean it's smaller than the dog it's smaller than i don't it has to be smaller than i really don't want to get into details but he packs a lot of punch oh my goodness um we um the other thing i've noticed about him is that people i I've said this before, but it is like walking down the street with Justin Bieber. People stop you all the time to talk to him, but it's making people quite crazy. And he's naked and really unpleasant. So we walked down the street the other day and people turned into crazed lunatics.

This woman said, I was walking and she was on the other side of the crossing and she went, excuse me, can you stop please? Stop there. I said, is everything okay? She went, I want to see that dog, stay. So I thought, well, what do I do? Stay? Forthrights? Yeah, she said, I need to see that dog. So I had to wait while the lights turned red

and then she crossed over and then I thought this is really awkward I don't know you while you had to wait can I ask was there a point where you thought should I get my phone out is this going to be long enough for me to start the checking emails or just doing that thing that people do when they have to wait

I know and you know I thought where does that line come where I'm being sort of kind and sort of sociable and actually just being taken advantage of? So I stood there and then she came over and she really liked him. I mean, she was a big fan. She was picking him up.

Right. But then it got too chaotic. Another dog, five children, a beagle was involved. It was like Britney Spears video. I thought, I need to move on from this. I don't like it. So a bit further down the street, there's a man, a bit of a silver fox, having a brunch with a woman.

Grey. And he suddenly... Grey. A lot of the way he's living his life, just for the record. He's having a great life. Hashtag legend. What was he wearing? He was wearing... Chinos?

I think chinos, a powder blue shirt. No, he had a sort of navy v-neck. Okay. And he noticed Ray, and he said, Hey there. He was American. I mean, to top it all off, he was American, for goodness sake. He said, I love that dog.

I said, oh, thank you. Woman gave me a filthy look. I imagine. He said, I've never seen a dog like that. Can I touch him? I said, of course you can. So I felt bad to the woman because she looked furious. So I said, hello.

She'd ignored me. Blanked you. Oh, dear. So it seems to me, Emily, that on the one hand, you don't like the attention. And on the other hand, you't like the attention and on the other hand you're very much enjoying the attention. Or when the man said

he said, you just want to take him home with you, right? I didn't go down very well with the woman who was steaming by this stage. He is mine. I do that, yeah. I do take him home with me. That's where he lives. We share an address.

He was taking photos. Was he? Yeah. Of the dog, mainly. Yeah, of the dog. Well, I think they were of the dog. One in ten of you. I don't know what to do, though,

because people keep stopping me. Do you think I should stop for them? I mean, is that what one does when you go to... You've got a dog. Yeah. Does the whippet get stopped often? Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah quite a bit oh i'm so pleased for you if people stop and stroke the dog i just stroke them as they stroke the dog i start stroking their hair and then that i find nips it in the bud pretty sharpish do you then say you just want to take

them home seems they're not that keen on talking to me as much as the dog. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, Gareth, as a guest on the show, I think I should go to you. What have you been up to? Well, I've had a busy week. Laura, well, it's half-time this week, but the week before, so my wife, I won't say her name, Laura, but...

LAUGHTER Strangest sentence anyone's ever uttered on radio. You already said it. I wouldn't mind, but that horse had already bolted. He said, Laura, I won't say her name, Laura. I mean, Al, this is extraordinary scenes here scenes hashtag scenes i probably already mentioned she's a teacher and she was away on a residential with the kids so she had to take them doing archery as parents get lost oh um which um what do you mean what they can't navigate

um they find it hard to navigate they tried to pick the children up but they can't it's a problem they have It's a weird thing to name a whole So it's called Parents Get Lost PGL I think Is that what that stands for? People outside of your social strata You probably got

When When you got sent away it was for good But maybe other kids Just get sent away for a week oh okay i understand no i've heard of pgl i didn't know that's what it meant that's an idiot moment for me okay yes but what it meant is that is that i was at home with ethan um to do revision okay so he's got A-levels now, isn't he? No, no. Just he's quite young still. It's just a little exams. Oh, I thought you were one of those child

bride ones. You were quite young, weren't you? No, so Ethan, yeah, so I had to do the revision, which is, Laura's usually in charge of everything. But she was away, so I was doing it. And do you know what?

It turns out, now I'm an adult, I am much better at remembering things. And I have learnt things that, when I was a kid, I was like, I'm never going to learn that. That won't go in. I'm not interested in that. And now it all goes in. This week?

What sort of thing? It's all in. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Imagine if we were in a live studio situation where we could test you on this knowledge and humiliate you, Al. Is it pi? How about, no, he wasn't doing food technology.

That's terrible. I liked it. Sorry, can I just apologise, Frank? He would have loved that. A pun? A pie pun? So how about this? Planets of the solar system?

Yeah. Can you do them? I've just recently been tested on this. Oh, really? There is a way of memorising them, isn't there? How do you memorise them? No, I just remember it. Third rock from the sun is Earth.

Right. So, because of the TV show. Okay. And then Mercury is closest to the... So, we're going through all the planets now. Yes, of course.

It's the planets of the solar system. That's how you do the... Earth, Mercury. No, so Mercury's the closest to the sun. And the way I remember... I have ways to remember things. Right, so how do you remember it? Is that Mercury is in thermometers.

So, that's very hot. So, that's nearest the sun. Okay. So, so how do you remember it? Is that Mercury is in thermometers. So that's very hot. So that's nearest the Sun. So Mercury first. Mercury, Venus. They're the two before the Earth. I'm getting bored with the planets already. I don't mean to be rude, but I don't want to hear them all. Well, there's only eight. So it's just Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus

and Neptune. I was really hoping that you'd get more of a laugh with Uranus, but you didn't bother. We just skirted straight over that. I'll tell you what, Ethan is seven, and Uranus is... Even he's over it. But how about this one is good. Wives of Henry VIII.

Oh, yes. Can you do that? All right. Yes, but there's a way of doing it as well, isn't there? So Catherine of Aragon and Boleyn. Yeah. Oh, Anna Cleaves is four. Oh, I don't like this i mean no wait wait wait wait wait catherine howard and par that's what i get confused about yeah well this is the way to do it okay kajak kajak i love kajak c-a-j-a-c-c

okay so jane seymour catherine of aragon yeah and boleyn. Jane Seymour. Catherine of Aragon. Yeah. Anne Boleyn. Jane Seymour. Okay. Anne of Cleves. This is fabulous. We're going to have to go for a break. Okay. But we're talking about Catherine of Aragon this morning on live on commercial radio. Absolute. Absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Gareth, you were talking about sort of memory, really, and ways of remembering things. Well, we've already had some texts in. 404 has said, very easy method just speeds up naming planets. What's that? Oh, no, my very easy method just speeds up naming planets.

Oh, and that's all the planets. Mercury, yes. I will never forget that. My very easy method just speeds up naming planets oh that's all the planets mercury yes my very easy method just speeds up naming planets although pluto is no longer one of them that's true yeah oh just speeds up naming method just speeds up you gotta feel sorry for pluto all those years that it was a planet and then suddenly they went no you're too small like that's what they said i mean that's what you said to my dog to be qualified as a dog if you're already insecure about your size i mean that has got to be a real kicker i know i know i felt sorry for pluto he was always the poor relation yeah i mean i'm acting like it's

the disney character pluto but you know what i mean that i love things like that i like ways of remembering things in factide Memoirs. Yes, Aide Memoirs. We should say, people should text in, if you've got any sort of strange things you've memorised or just weird things from school that you kind of store away as well. So for the Wives of Henry VIII, Kajak, and then everything is in alphabetical order. So there's three Katherines and it goes

Catherine of Aragon, Catherine Howard, Catherine Parr. order so there's three catherine's and it goes catherine arrogant catherine of arrogant catherine howard catherine parr so so all the second bits are in alphabetical order okay and then and also with the anne so anne boleyn and then anne of cleves gone more complicated than it was a minute ago i know but you have to remember because there's lots of them are the same yeah well i remember in re uh which we used to call it in my day, I don't know what they call it now. What's it called now? Religious education? It was RE in my day. Political correctness nowadays, you're probably not even allowed to... I think they probably call it stuff or something.

We had four gospels. It was Matthew, Mark, Luke and John went to bed with their trousers on. I mean that is so disrespectful. I just thought that was some of my parents' friends that had too much red wine, quite honestly. Most of my parents' friends went to bed with their trousers on every night. There you go, breaking news. It's Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, Acts and Romans follows on.

No, we learnt the trousers on. We didn't need to bring filth into it. We learnt the trousers on thing. I wore trousers in those days. I was from a theatrical family. We had to spice things up that's how we

remembered things they were probably bright red chinos as well no they were more sort of they were very thick cord

I find nice so we also had for piano I had every good boy deserves favour which again I find rather troubling

I don't know there's something a bit sinister about that i don't want to dispense favors to every patriarchy speaking yeah and favors about girls exactly and i don't want to cash checks i can't honor sorry so yeah so those are my little ones and then i would remember um we we also used to have weird things as well because we used to be taught businessmen go to work by bus. That's how you would work how to spell businessman.

Oh, the producer gasped with excitement. Go to work by bus. B-U-S-I-N-E-S-S so that you don't put the I in the wrong place. Do you understand? No. Oh, you're going to need pen and paper to teach me. Okay, so you spell it b-u-s only the first three letters yeah but it's it makes you not put the i in the wrong place okay so businessmen

go to work by bus do you understand i don't see where the pitfall is with spelling businessman it's really easy like well well that seems a strange approach to take because maybe it's not easy for everyone so um can i just say none of the businessmen where I grew up went to work by bus. Good point. I mean, in my school, which was a very privileged school, we had a yellow mini metro, may I point out. We weren't privileged. We were arts and crafts bohos. However, when they said in that class, businessmen went to work by bus, those children looked baffled.

I mean, they don't know what a bus is. Yeah. What were you going to say, Gareth? 225 has texted in saying have I stumbled across BBC bite size? I love that You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio

This is the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio I'm not Frank, I'm Emily, deal with it You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show at Frank on the radio. I mean, follow the show on Twitter specifically. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm with Gareth Richards. Hello.

I'm with Alan Cochran. Hello. I'm happy. Don't know about you. Have we heard from the outside world this morning? We have, but before we do that, can I just say, when you said, I'm Emily, deal with it, for a, can I just say, when you said, I'm Emily Dealwithit, for a split second I thought you were going to say,

I'm Emily Dean, and then I realised, Dealwithit is a great surname. Shall I change my name? Emily Dealwithit is fantastic. I was about to say by deed poll, and then I realised, does anyone ever use deed poll? Yeah, I think that still happens. No, I think it is.

Really? Yeah. When was the last? Can you text in if you work with deed polls? That would be good. And do you have any involvement with them? Because it's a phrase people still use. It's a bit like legal tender. It's only used with regards

to changing your name. That's true. Can you do anything else with deed poll? I am divorcing you by deed poll. If anyone's got a deed poll, get in touch. Bill Deeds maybe has a poll. I mean, it's getting a bit surreal now. But I's got a deed poll, get in touch. Bill Deed maybe has a poll. I mean, it's getting a bit surreal now, but I am interested in deed polls,

so if you want to talk to me about them, please do. You did ask if we'd heard from the outside world, and indeed we have. Gareth has kick-started... Indeed poll. Indeed poll. Indeed. Gareth has kick-started a veritable tidal wave of text

with people telling us how they remember things. Wow. How to spell necessary. Never eat cakes, eat salad sandwiches and remain young. Oh. Do you think that was Frank Skinner's advice? I think it might have been our new sponsor, Herve's. Salad sandwiches.

Do you know what? Can you get me a salad sandwich? That does sound nice, actually, now, doesn't it? I'm actually going to eat that today at our brunch. Why not? I love a salad sandwich. So, Summer, how to just spell one word. Hang on, I've forgotten necessary already.

Never eat cakes, just eat salad sandwiches. No, no, don't put a J in there. There's no J in necessary. Never eat cakes just eat salad sandwiches no no don't put a j in there there's no j in necessary never eat cakes eat salad sandwiches okay this is my problem i always add in too many words so they aren't going to work for me anymore and remain young um uh well we were discussing what religious education re is called in schools now and I'm not even certain if this is a joke or a truth or what. Someone has texted religious education is now called

philosophy and ethics. Oh, and then it's more like you're more intelligent. I like that. Maybe. Because that's brilliant, to be studying that at a young age. That's really impressive, my three-year-old just doing a bit of philosophy and ethics. What's he doing this week, loaves and fishes? I mean, it's not really philosophy stealing stuff don't lie that's what you have to start with kids yeah i so i suddenly realized with my kids i don't think i'm hammering home the don't lie

thing enough because why not well i just think they lie all the time oh, but I think we find it adorable. Like when Elijah's like, I am Batman. That's a fairly harmless lie, isn't it? I know, but I think it bleeds over into... It's more like, who's ripped up these £20 notes that were on the shelf? No one. If it's like that, then you have to go...

Apparently the thing to do is not tell them off for lying, to say it's always better to tell me the truth, because if you tell them off the line repeatedly, they become really good at it. Well, I think that's really good advice. Could you maybe talk to Donald Trump about that? This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Alan.

Partridge. You mentioned the Donald mere moments ago. Well, I did. The Donald of Trump. Hey, Trump will still skin this Frank Coulson. We need a jingle for him. What about... I'm not sure.

She's all you'd ever want. She's the kind I'd like to flaunt and take to dinner. Just because I think it would really upset him having his jingle she's a lady well he's been in the news again this week yes he's never out of the news i'm going for what we call understatement of the week section um uh not only has he pulled out of that climate thing but before that he was already in the news, wasn't he? With his tweet that mentioned constant negative press covfefe. Covfefe. Covfefe.

You say covfefe. C-O-V-F-E-F-E. Covfefe. I say godaffy. Covfefe. I feel like the E is silent. Well, this is silent. Well, this is interesting.

Text in if you have a view on this, because there have been multiple pronunciations. Pronunciation. Yeah, you're right. As I said that, I knew I'd got it wrong. Which is an ironic word to mispronounce. Oh, leave me alone. You try sitting in this chair okay

please next link so i'm gonna i'm a cafe feet girl gary yeah i've heard that about you cafe i think cafe oh you're making it a bit parisian cafe style i think alan i just thought it was coffee but you've gone more yorkshire and I like that in you. Well, that's me. Anyway, he tweeted this, didn't he? He later deleted it.

But it led to a lot of speculation, worldwide, intense speculation as to what he possibly could have meant. Yeah, on the internet. Yeah, and I think, of course, I mean, maybe he'd been at the creme de menthe, I don't know. He doesn't drink. Oh, no, he doesn't drink. He doesn't drink, I mean.

Yeah. That's how bad it is. Well, nothing, he's probably... He's that unpredictable without drinking. That's what you have to think about Donald Trump. Like, just imagine with a few Jäger bombs in him. People had a lot of fun with it, though. But what I enjoyed enormously was how he

dealt with it in the aftermath is that it was you were talking about children lying earlier carol and he dealt with it in the manner of how i imagine ethan or elijah would deal with it he pretended he'd meant to do it he didn't say i fell asleep on my phone and i can't really be trusted in this office he said uh what did he say he said enjoy who can figure out the true meaning of kefefe enjoy like it was the specials it's great he styled it out honey that's what he's done yes but it reminded me of when I was younger you know when you'd kind of make up a word I used to do this a lot when I was younger. Or I'd mispronounce a word.

I'd use it like pronunciation, I'd say. I'd use it incorrectly. And I remember very vividly one incident where I said, I think I was talking to my father, and I said, yeah, well, that's a religious thing, like a Buddha. And my father said, no, that's a Buddha. I said, no, Buddha's a different religious thing.

And he said, no, no, no, you mean Buddha. I said, no, that's a Buddha. I said, no, Buddha's a different religious thing. And he said, no, no, no, you mean Buddha. I said, no, I don't. I mean, Buddha is a different religion to Buddha. And I stuck with this for about seven years. I was so stubborn and proud. And that just felt very Trump-like. Good for you. I felt.

I think you've got the potential to become leader of the free world. One anecdote. Well, fingers crossed everyone um and well this is very apt as well yeah absolutely sean spicer said um the president and a small group of people know exactly what he meant. Suggesting some sort of conspiracy theory that it was, you know, like some sort of activation

code or something. What I enjoyed about that is at the press conference when he said that, you heard a journalist's lone voice going, really? What is a cafefe? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We're talking about Trumple Stiltskin on Absolute Radio

this morning Well we've had a text from 880 that chimes very much with my theory but they've also written it in a sort of a, I would say a dictionary type pastiche you know like N in brackets for noun. Yes.

Oh, I like that. So it's got N in brackets. Confefe, I think it... No, cofefe. Yeah, they've written confefe. I mean, I'm saying no cofefe like it's an actual word. It can be whatever you want it to be. You know, his or her spellcheck may well have not experienced the word cofefe before.

Happens to the best of us. When you want to say coverage but your hands are too small to hit all the letters on your keyboard. Oh, ouchy. Marvellous. You know Donald Trump has famously taken it badly that somebody said that he had small hands. I believe so. I believe he was called a short-fingered Bulgarian.

But I also... By Graydon Carter. Some of my best friends are short fingered vulgarians some of your best stand in hosts I love the episode of Star Trek

where they get attacked by the small short fingered vulgarians I agree with 880 by the way I think he was trying to write coverage

I don't think there's anything much more than that I know but he might have fallen asleep on the presumably he's got a phone with big buttons and he have fallen asleep on the... The Lord he didn't. Presumably he's got a phone with big buttons

and he just fell asleep on it. Do you think he has got one of those big button phones? I think he has. It's so good when people get things wrong, though. Something is the funniest thing. Well, it's the sweet spot between getting it wrong and then absolutely refusing to deny it, Budder style.

I mean, I think we'd all rather that he misspelled coverage than got the nuclear codes wrong. Let's, alright, actually, let's go with that. Well, you know what, it's going to happen, that it will happen, so we just have to enjoy our time on Earth while we can. Yeah, good point. You know, sit down, get the newspapers

and make yourself a cafefe. I'm drinking a cafefe as we speak. Hillary Clinton did a a gag she zinged him on the old internet she said people in cafefe houses shouldn't throw a cafefe but it reminded me too much of glass houses so i was going people in glass houses shouldn't throw glass and it took me ages to realize what she was talking about and then i mean it's you know it's a little she thought it was she also said it was a hidden message to the russians which i liked well i'll tell you what i didn't like was i read an article about it and

it said hillary clinton's hilarious joke i was like as a comic do you object to that hilarious hilarious joke i mean really i mean if i hope that journalist also does comedy criticism and he's going to the edinburgh festival because i've got i'm definitely gonna have an hour that is stronger than it's gonna be people in cafe houses shouldn't throw cafe i mean if it's possible to get 10 stars how yeah i think think you're a dead cert for one. I mean, she's got, that's like a three-star joke, but the review's like a five, isn't it? Ridiculous. It's the dream.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So, yeah, we're talking about Kefefi, obviously. I mean, we could not talk about it this morning. Yes, he was talking about kefefi obviously i mean we could not talk about it this morning yes he was um talking about hillary i found this weird that he said that hillary she won't admit that she was a terrible candidate and he only just won surely you want to big up the person you were only just one against rather than saying they were terrible that's a good point i hadn't thought um confusing i the most embarrassing it's almost like there's no rational train of thought like he doesn't know what he's talking about about anything i'll tell you what i thought as well no good ever came from

tweeting after 11 p.m at night yeah what are you doing up at that time i mean i've got friends in my life daisy who's my my ride or die on the show, my producer. My producer? That sounded a bit grand. It sounded a bit Ronnie Corbett if you don't understand. My producer. No, my dear friend, who also happens to be the producer of our show. But she, I like to think she would

say to me, she would say to me, and don't do that. I think she'd make me take it down. That's good advice. Don't tweet after 11pm. 11pm is for drunks, trolls... I love that, tramps and thieves.

I think you could say that about Twitter. Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten that. I hate the player, I hate the game. Post 11pm is very slide into the dms as well oh is it i think so i think that's when men start sliding into the dms i never get any dms i think if you would like to dm me slide into my dms at gareth richards i think you're sending them rather oh am i supposed to do the sliding? Yeah, if you want to become a sleazebag.

You just have to say something like, hey, you're hot. I am hot, actually, but that's just the air con in this room. I know, can you sort out the air con, please? The most embarrassing thing I think I ever did on Twitter, apart from some of the jokes I've posted, is I typed

in, the tweet was, Gareth Richards. What, you tweeted Gareth Richards? I tweeted... Were you searching for yourself? Yes. Yeah, I was...

Okay, that's the worst thing I've ever heard. It's a bold move. I'm assuming that you've unpicked the habit of searching for yourself over the years, or do you still do that? No, I am. So it just said Gareth Richards. Yeah, so it just tweeted Gareth Richards.

That is quite terrible. And I'm really, my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time. However, what about with that ex-boyfriend of mine? When I was on Facebook, and I want, this was many years ago, and he had a new girlfriend, and I wanted I wanted to see what the girlfriend looked like. I'm not gonna lie, I wanted to get a close up of her legs. I wanted to see if she had a nice pair of legs. I was a bit jealous because she looked stunning. I'm often angry on Facebook when people don't show you the exact part of the body that you want to see. Exactly. I think we should have very clear pictures of everyone. But I just wanted to get a proper look at her. So in my attempts to expand the photograph, there was a photograph of the both of them at Universal Studios

with, I think, standing next to Homer Simpson was in between them. And in my attempts to expand the photograph, I tagged myself as Homer Simpson. So he would have seen that photograph with him, his girlfriend, and then me, Homer Simpson, in the middle. Dope! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8.

Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. So, Emily. Yeah. If I was to ask you what football team... Sorry, I did a really heavy sigh there. That's fine. Yeah.

I'm very used to that when people hear me speak to them. Hello. It's him again. If I was to ask you what football team I support, have you any clue as to what football team I support? Can I guess? Yeah. I mean, I think you may well know it.

Huddersfield Town. Yeah. Excellent. I'm so proud of that. I'm going to cry. However, I will immediately add in case there's like a tidal wave of text saying, oh, you're a rubbish supporter. I'm a rubbish supporter of Huddersfield Town. I can't remember the last time I went to watch them. However, I have

been rewarded for my terrible fanship with the team being promoted to the Premier League in a very exciting penalty shootout which is awful I had to watch it through my fingers isn't that exciting? you pay almost no attention to a club and then they blossom without you.

But now people are going to say that you're an Arab East. I was getting text messages saying, well done. Text messages from people that support Premier League clubs saying, you'll have to come to the match with me next year. And me saying, definitely, that sounds great. And it's going to be way easier next year. But don't you think when they say, well done, I think that's a bit sad. Oh no, I like it. Do you?

I mean, Frank Skinner said you'll have to come to a match with me. I'm definitely doing that. Did he say that? Yeah, yeah, it's great. Hang on, have you and Frank been doing all little cosy football texts? Yeah, we've had texts, you know, it's really nice. I didn't know this was going on. It's really nice. However, I watched it. No, because it's what men use, like, instead of talking about their feelings. Oh yeah.

You see, I text him and I say, oh, I'm so proud of you. Your documentary was extraordinary, my lovely, wonderful friend. And he says to Alan, come the football, mate. He texted me saying, I love a penalty shootout. It's like he's two people.

I don't know what's going on. But I watched it in the house and my children were around. My son has displayed almost zero interest in Huddersfield Town when they were just sort of an esoteric idea. Oh, does he like them now? But then when they were on the telly and I said, this means that next year they'll be playing Manchester United

and Manchester City and Liverpool, and suddenly halfway through the game he was like, he started saying, I hope we win. Oh, I know that. That sort of stuff. Do you know what I call that post-2000 Arsenal fan? Yeah, totally. Totally.

Where were you in the dark days of George Graham? Can we just put some tempering on the glory? Like when people say, oh, you're a glory supporter, we're still going to be last on Match of the Day every Saturday next year. But that's fine. That's better than having to dig it out on channel five or whatever it is you know it's great but my daughter did a thing where the fans tend to sing huddersfield in i'm gonna have a go at singing it in the sort of scanning way that they do it

they kind of go it's not a complicated song but that's how it scans on the terraces. Some might say rather depressing. On the terraces of Yorkshire, that is how it scans, particularly Huddersfield. My daughter completely ignored that. What does she sing? I'm trying to get the tune again in my head, but it was something like, Huddersfield, Huddersfield.

I mean, she put a lot of Es, a lot of double Es. And I was thinking, that's much more jolly. Why aren't they doing that? Do you know what I'm calling that? I'm calling that remix to Ignition. And I like it. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Can I just say, I love that we're discussing football this morning on Absolute Radio

while Big Daddy's away. I mean, it's like a big fashion discussion while I'm not here. I mean, it's a big relief to me that I actually got to watch the match on the telly because obviously we didn't know that Huddersfield were going to get to the playoff finals and then the game would be on on the monday afternoon yeah and in my diary for months i've had penciled camping just wrote my wife i'm sorry for your loss well you say that it turned out to be quite the scoop because once huddersfield were playing i was thinking well wherever we're going camping i hope there's a sports bar because we'll have to get

there get the tent up and i'll have to be watching the football at three. Some would argue I could have gone to Wembley to watch it. Could you? But I didn't. So you're really taking it back to nature looking for a campsite with a sports bar. Exactly, yeah. I mean, let's face it, there's nothing nicer than a sports

bar. You just sit there, quietly contemplate the world and your fellow man in the sports bar well even better than that i got back last weekend and my wife was like i'm not sure we should go camping i think the weather's going to be terrible and i went that sounds great let's not go camping and then we mooted the idea of getting like a holiday cottage to save we mooted the idea of putting the of putting the money into like a little holiday cottage and then i said well why don't we not do that but spend the money on a literal staycation we'll stay

in our house stay in the home yeah but we'll do a lot of takeaways we'll do all the things that we couldn't do if we were away. So hang on, did you have sun loungers erected in the living room with cocktails? No, we did have a day at the seaside on Wednesday. On Monday morning we all went... By leaving the taps on. Monday morning we went as a family to the snow place. There's a ski...

Open the freezer. What are you talking about? You're staying at home, but doing all sorts of things. Oh, I see. You're recreating it. So the skiing part of it is opening the freezer.

No, we went actually... It wasn't really skiing. We were playing on the slides and big rings and stuff like that. Also, can I say, does your wife look at the weather? Because it was a heat wave this week, was it not?

Well, it wasn't actually. Turn the oven up. Can I just say, we absolutely nailed it on the weather because it was a heat wave this week was it not well it wasn't actually turn the oven up can i just say we absolutely nailed it on the weather front the day that it was pouring down with rain we went swimming to a particular swimming pool that has a wave machine went in the ball really good fun um and and the wednesday was a beautiful sunny day we went to the seaside but you know when you go to the seaside and then you've got to go back to your campsite didn't have that we just went let's go home to our house well exactly if i may be vulgar our lovely big house and what do you do for the seaside put some sprinkle some salt in the front room but i like that but i want to talk to you more about this sports bar as well a it sounds too much like sports bra which which is why I don't like it.

But B, or two, as I sometimes like to say after A. It never happens. But sports bra. I mean, why does sports bra... What is a sports bar? What makes it a sports bar, other than a bar just with a telly on? Is that what it is?

Yeah, absolutely. Oh, that was rather disappointing to know more. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner show by the way. BTW. Frank's not here this morning. I'm Emily Dean. We're being a bit naughty. I'm like the

supply teacher. We've let off three stink bombs already. You can text the show on 81250. That was Gareth. You could have gone in the stink bombs already you can text the show on 8 12 15 that was gareth you've gone in the adverts you can follow the show on twitter lovely at frank on the radio or you can email the show via the absolute radio website i'm with the cockerel i'm with gareth yo yo yo yo yo yo nice okay so um american student radio yo yo yo i've been reading about um gordon ramsay's tips for eating in a restaurant oh gordon ramsay yeah is he a friend of the show almost because i like gordon ramsay do you yeah well what i like about him is that i think he's democratic in his rudeness right he's not one of

those people that's just rude to the porter he's rude to everyone and I like that about him I wonder sometimes when he goes into a hotel or something and starts giving advice and then absolutely loses his mind with rage I think is this a guy to be taking advice from he seems to have major problems

but yes he's a very successful man does that make you good oh i don't know i mean it makes you you know good at whatever it is yeah it means you're going to pick up the tab at the end of the evening which is handy but he um he's been talking about uh his guide to eating um out in restaurants hasn't he yes he's got some tips he's got some tips what are his tips one is um if you're going out for a romantic meal with someone order a table for three book a table for three he's that kind of guy is he i've dated them he actually said book a table for a minimum of three wow he doesn't then say tell him like when you get there that one of them's cancelled there

was no explanation about that just you know the maitre d is suddenly thinking why won't people be angry you guys are really bad at math well also i just think it's a bit depressing it's like the sort of ghost of the person that never turned up also if someone if a guy booked a table for three i'd be a bit suspicious that a friend was going to turn up. Brought her along a chaperone. I'd get the impression I wasn't enough, if you know what I mean. Yeah. And, you know, it's a little bit crowded for a date, three people.

Yes, he says so you can spread out. I don't know what he needs to do. I think he's probably the kind of guy that sits with his legs really wide. You know, like the man-spreading type. I think probably his wife likes kind of guy that sits with his legs really wide. You know, like the manspreading type. I think probably his wife likes to be far away from him. In case he starts screaming at people. Can we have a trestle table for 14? For God, not the other end of it.

Well, actually, they do bring you, in very posh restaurants, they bring you little stools for your bag now. Do you remember when we went out to dinner, Al? Oh, yeah. And they brought me a stool. Yeah. I'm making it sound like it was a hot day. You'd brought the dog with you, hadn't you?

That was part of the problem. But they bring you a chair that's nicer than anyone else's chair, which is a special sort of... Extra. Yeah. A bag chair. A special chair. That's lovely.

But he also... Gordana also was talking about specials, wasn't he? He did. Don't have them. Don't ever, ever have the specials, wasn't he? He did. Don't have them. Don't ever, ever have the specials, he said. Yes, well, he said that there shouldn't be too many specials.

They should be special. If they're special, they're not special. I'm glad no one's made a ghost town joke or... I was so close! I held it in. Do you know what? I'm glad that we didn't. I think Frank would be proud of us.

Yeah, he didn't mention the specials. He's on that sun lounger with a cocktail. He's not on a sun lounger, and he certainly hasn't got a cocktail. I'm getting out of this mess right now. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio. With the specials,

Gordana Ramsey says that you shouldn't order specials. And the reason for this is that it's just stuff they want to get rid of, I presume, is it? Yeah, right. Is that right? Well, I'm not fine with it. I'll have the rancid chicken breast, please. Yeah, me too.

Well, I'm not fine with it because I hate... I think it might be one of the worst moments of my life is when they sit there telling you the specials. And you sit there thinking, do I maintain a light contact with you? Where do I look? And they say, it will be a tripe and chive pastry. Tripe and chive, you don't fancy that.

And it sounds disgusting. It does, yeah. And this is what I do. Lovely work, Alan. I say when they read this during what I'm calling the specials recitation, I say hmm

hmm, and then it goes on it feels like 20 minutes of your life it does go on what do you do during the specials? I just tune out, probably think about Hedda Spiel something like that. I nod a lot.

He had a lot of good advice. One of them that I found a bit challenging was that he reckons you should say to the maitre d' that you want a bottle of something special for about $30. I had Alan Sommelier. Sommelier. He suggested to me to Sommelier. You really let yourself down.

Now, I've not had that many fine dining experiences, but I do know this, that sommelier is the easiest job in the whole world. You show them the wine list. Whatever they choose, you go, excellent choice, madame. And they go, oh, great! I nailed the wine choice.

It's so easy. According to Gordana, though, you shouldn't ever go for the second cheapest bottle. Oh, great! I nailed the wine chop. It's so easy. According to Gordana, though, you shouldn't ever go for the second cheapest bottle because they are on to us. So restauranteurs know that's what everyone does, so that's where they do big mark-ups on that wine. If you remove the word second, that's the one I would go for. If you just go for the cheapest one.

He says to give a price i want a glass of wine for under two pounds please weirdly because i had read this article during the week that would be it i read this article during the week and uh and i tried this with lemonade when i ate out yesterday they said oh it's two pound fifty for a can of posh lemonade, and I went, I'll give you a quid for it, and they said, get out of this restaurant, Mr Cochrane. My tip for drinks in a restaurant is always go bottomless. Pardon? Always bottomless. Have you already seen my jeans?

I think they're a pretty cool look, but people aren't so sure. I just think, though, to be honest, I don't know. I mean, some of his advice, I think the specials thing is absolutely right. i don't know i mean some of his advice i think the specials thing is absolutely right i don't think you should wear the specials i don't agree with this table for three business i think that's that's insane well it's it's deeply unpleasant the whole system will fall apart if you order always order a table for more people book a table for more people than you need but i do think get someone to order a table on your behalf it's a good thing to do so if you want to get a table in a posh restaurant and maybe we want

to go to the ivy so for example gareth just get me to ring for you it doesn't matter that you're nobody because i can ring and say i'm not saying you are nobody. I beg your pardon? I can say, hello, I'm ringing on behalf of Gareth Richards. He'd like a table at 1.30pm. Thank you. Just very confidently. Brilliant. And it will work. Will it really?

Let us know how that works. I mean, I've never tried it with Gareth, but maybe we should do that. Live on air. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've already had a text in.

You challenged the readers to book a table using... Oh, please don't tell me they've done it. Yeah, Nugget has done it. He's texted. Morning DME. That's Darling Miss Emily. I just tried what you suggested to see if it works and called the IV. Please tell Gareth I managed to get him and Laura a table 4-3 for 8pm this evening.

Bon appétit. I'm not certain that's true. I don't believe that. We've also had an excellent tip from Katie. Good effort though, Nugget. Who says, I call posh restaurants and when they answer I say, Oh hi, it's Katie and she's's put brackets, surname, how are you? Great, great, I'm so sorry about the short notice,

but can you squeeze me in at 8pm? I bet you're sick of me pushing in the queue, ha ha. And she says, they're too embarrassed to admit that they don't know me. Well this is what I think is a good, yes. I think if you were to say, if Nugget was to say, oh yeah table for gareth richards his usual and then just went thank you goodbye oh mcdonald's yeah can i say i've got just a quick break in proceedings i've just been made a cup of tea

in a magic mug oh yeah which is a Which is a branding disaster. I mean, I love magic. And obviously they're, you know, they're sort of a sister or brother station to us. Yeah, part of the same family. Yeah. But it has reminded me of a mug incident I had this week. Oh, yeah. With my builder, Marek.

Oh, yeah, Marek. Who's a lovely chap. I like the way you say, oh, yeah, Marek, because you're a good mate. I'm the foreman of the works. Well, you know I told you I was learning things from my driver recently. I say my driver. It was a driver I had. But I learnt things from Marek as well.

I just think we're getting there. There are some issues still with our relationship. He said to me the other day, I get offended and then I realise it's just Marek's way. So this is a section in the show I'm calling Marek's way. So we should have a jingle for it but i don't really have a polish theme tune so maybe we'll just go for this yeah okay this is this is marek's way on my way you could put my way would have been great so he said to me i was telling him something my. My niece had come round, Bertie, Alberta, and I said, she's so cute. You met my niece, Alberta.

He said, yes, I did meet her. I said, she's so cute, isn't she, Marek? He said, all children are cute. Where do you want this light in toilet? Brilliant. So he's got a point. All children are cute. And what he was sort of saying was, stop going on about your niece.

No one wants to know. We've all got cute nieces. I've got to put a light in the toilet. I've got work to be done. I like the question, where do you want this light in the toilet? Probably the ceiling, Marek. I want it coming from the bowl.

Yeah, it's not a room for up-lighting, is it? Yeah, Marek. Stick it in the ceiling and get on with it. And then we had an incident related to a mug where things got altogether nastier. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Oh, we've had a text from 245. We've had a text.

Hashtag cliffhanger. Miss M, I was about to go and deliver some leaflets, but I'm not going anywhere until I hear how Muggate pans out. Oh, yes, Muggate. So I was talking about Marek's way. Marek, my builder, who dispenses, you know, words of wisdom to me on a regular basis. So we'd had the incident where he'd informed me that...

I'm making him sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but, you know, forgive my accent accent he said we were in the kitchen area and he was eating something he likes he likes onions he was eating an onion like an apple sometimes he discarded onions in the cement bags so i eat onions yes well some like apples, some people like onions. Let's call the whole thing kevofi. Are you sure he's not been hypnotised? He said... Does he also dance with a broom thinking it's a person?

He said to me... He said to me... I said, oh, Marek, can you pass me that cup? And he said, what is this? I said, can you pass me that cup over there? He said, what is cup? I said, can you pass me that cup over there? He said, what is cup? I said, that's a cup. He said, no, this is mug.

Pedantic. I said, no, that's a cup over there. That's a mug. That's a cup. He said, we'll see. Have you got a picture of this cup mug? I mean, we just, no, I should take a picture of it. But we just, it was the we'll see.

I didn't know where to take that after that. Because we won't see. Yeah, he thinks there's some court of arbitration to find out. I mean, he knows more about building, but I know more about the difference between a cup and a mug. You'll be at the pearly gates, and they say, before you come in, there's just one thing we have to clarify.

Yeah, a bit of unfinished business from your time on Earth. Marek is here. Or maybe you'll have to wait for Marek. I don't know, it depends who goes first. Anyway, he's a wonderful man and I really recommend him if anyone's interested in getting a build. So back to Gordana. Yes, and he does say one thing in this that I really heartily agree with.

Gordon Ramsay. Gordon Ramsay. He says when they say that an item on the menu is famous red lasagna he says you shouldn't have that because he thinks who made it famous and i feel very similar about that i find one a thing that i also think why is it red yeah what is that yeah why is it exactly but when they make busts that are unspecified, like, I find it really irritating. And I hate jokes on A-frames. You know, blackboards outside coffee houses.

I hate jokes. Some people are texting in, we can see. I hate jokes, but... No, I walked past the coffee shop yesterday. I don't hate jokes, I like jokes. I don't really hate them, but I'm being a bit silly, Billy. Some member of staff had gone outside of this coffee shop and written on the blackboard

best iced coffee in town and I thought well according to who? Who's checked? Yeah. I mean who's drank an iced coffee from everywhere in town that sells them? Some really shivering jittery guy that's drank an iced coffee in everywhere in London that does them and also who even likes iced coffee?

It's disgusting. Why are you boasting about it? I totally agree with you. And I like my emphasis when I was talking about the iced coffee there. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I saw

another coffee shop that had a blackboard outside as I walked past it. Did you? It said, what did one cup of coffee say to the other? And then it said, where have you been? Oh, yes, I do understand. I almost feel sick. And I thought, what are we trying to achieve here?

Because coffee's made from beans. Yeah, yeah, but... Yeah, no, I got that as well, but I just didn't like it. I mean, it's a joke that barely works, but when it does work, it only works in written form. I like Gareth saying, I just thought I'd explain it. Yeah, like, what are they trying to do? Are they trying to say, oh, this is the level of humour

you can enjoy alongside your coffee if you come and speak to the members of staff here? Well, I'm afraid that's become the new thing hasn't it this is where it's that and i'm afraid it is uh on the tube boards as well the daily witticisms and like as comedians we don't give people coffee from the stage do we just stay in your own area stay in your lane stay in your lane i also have a problem with the phrase fine dining when when people say it's fine dining i just think aim higher like if you go out for a meal and someone

says how was your meal and you go fine yeah i'm sorry like i want to go to excellent dining i don't like it because it sounds a bit basil faulty it's all fine dining fine dining in toki i don't like any man that took me out to a fendening date with a table for three people and ordered the cheapest wine on the menu, get out. We've also had some news in from the outside world. Lovely.

We asked, it seems like ages ago in the show, but it might not be. Six, seven hours? Yeah, something like that. It was the last time I tweeted Kefauvi and it's all kicked off. We asked if anybody had actually changed their name by Deedpole, and 232 has changed their name.

Really? It says, hey, Gareth, I changed my name by Deedpole just last month. It doesn't say what from. I'm assuming it wasn't 232. Is that from Frank Skinner? I don't think their real name is 232. That's just the letters, the numbers at the end of their phone number. Hey, that would be good, Al. If someone changed their name by deed poll to their number on this show,

like 310 or something. 729, who's also called Ruth, has texted, Hi, Emily, as I've now divorced my husband, I have to change my married name via deed poll back to my maiden name. Oh, does she? Thank you for your honesty. Yeah. Thank you for your honesty, Paula. thank you for your honesty, Paula. Thank you. That took open courage.

And congratulations. And congratulations on your divorce. Yeah, why not? Second wedding soon. May I recommend white trouser suit? Yeah. So changing your name to a number, is that what Jean Valjean did? Is he a texter of the show?

Oh, Les Miserables. He's one of our top callers, Jean Valjean did. Is he a texter of the show? Oh, and Les Miserables. Three, two, six, oh, four. He's one of our top callers, Jean Valjean. Les Miserables jokes you this morning on Absolute Radio. I am still on the run, loving the show. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from eight. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Have we heard from the outside world at all?

We've had 194 texting saying there's a chalkboard outside a pub in Luton which was advertising sticky toffee pudding, large steak, and underneath it said, get it down you. Remember, fat people are harder to kidnap. Oh, OK. Interesting. Interesting world view. I mean, there's pros and cons with all sorts of life choices.

And did someone not understand the coffee bean joke as well? I think it could be a typo. Oh, yes, possibly. Maybe fit people are harder to kidnap. Well, to be honest... They can run away. If they do high-intensity interval training,

they'd be good at sprinting. They're slippery little suckers, aren't they? Who, fit people? Yes. Are you thinking of Charles Bronson? Yeah exactly grease butter um someone didn't understand the coffee joke you know i was asking if anyone had not understood your coffee joke and i think one of our gareth said if you get the coffee joke i don't get it let us know and 753 has texted i don't get the coffee joke rob okay would you care to explain it?

Well, it was a play on the word bean, wasn't it? It was bean can mean something that... I don't know how to explain the other word. One's coffee bean, B-E-A-N. And then the other one's B-E... Past tense. It's kind of a pun, really. Yeah, it's a pun.

It's definitely a pun. Yeah. And given that Frank's not here, I think that we can very much say that's what he would have wanted,'s a pun. It's definitely a pun. And given that Frank's not here, I think that we can very much say that's what he would have wanted is a pun. To draw the show to a close with a pun is exactly what he would have wanted. So, yeah. But yes, my tip for eating out is if you're somewhere with a sommelier, it's too expensive. Go somewhere cheaper.

And I nailed it with my mum, because you know I have problems with my mum. She's always unhappy with what she orders. Yes, you and your family. I have terrible anxiety, don't I, eating in a restaurant. Why? His family have issues with restaurants. They're never happy.

And what I did, I absolutely nailed it recently. They sound fun to eat out with. No, Gareth has to actually leave restaurants. go in the whole family and then they suddenly will decide we don't like it here and then they'll all leave again is this right it's really very stressful i stand by my earlier point they don't sound fun to eat out with no so i i nailed it recently what i did is because my mom's never happy with what she orders and has terrible regret. And then that makes me stressed because I just want everyone to be happy. Of course.

So I ordered something brilliant and then I gave it to my mum. What was it? She ordered, says, I'll get the steak. And I ordered, like, tandoori chicken with prawns on the side. And it had all sorts of stuff on it. Did you order this meal in 1974?

Steak, tandoori chicken and prawns. Who side and it had all sorts of stuff on it. Did you order this meal in 1974? Steak, tandoori chicken and prawns. Who eats that these days? We're all on quinoa now, love, and avocado smash. Emily, I live in Bournemouth. Oh, yeah. What year is it there now? We're not sure. Okay. Apologies to all the Bournemouth listeners.

It's a lovely place. Yeah, it's lovely. Yeah. So I ordered that and then I just swapped with her that's a good idea and she was really happy and I don't care that's good it was great

absolutely nailed it found some space around the problem love it I love it what a happy note to end the show on so um listen it's been lovely

uh having you this morning thank you do you know what Emily it's been an absolute delight don't make it sound like a Des O'Connor chat show. Thanks so much for having me. Thanks so much, Gareth. Thanks so much, Cockcrawl. We'll be back next week, and more importantly,

Big Daddy will be back next week. We'll be seeing you. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.