The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Takeaway Seat

Episode Date: January 5, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team are back with the first show of 2019. Frank discusses his appearance on SPOTY and how he broke celebrity etiquette. The team also chat about the vegan sausage roll, lottery winners and giant rucksacks.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner with, um, um, where are we? Golden Square morning. Yeah. Yes, this is Frank Skinner with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15 in case you forgot over the holidays. Uh-huh. Then you can follow the show on Twitter. I wonder how much longer we'll be saying that.

At Frank on the radio. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Is that something to do with our show, having a sort of life expectancy on Twitter? I think the Russians will be closing Twitter down any time soon. Oh, do you think so? You're saying they're running it now, are you? I think they'll be working their way through most of the social media.

Oh, that was an unexpected start to the new year. Yeah. People say, no, it's terrifying, isn't it? Absolutely terrifying, the Russians. Yeah, they're going to start getting into Twitter and stuff like that. When I was a kid, it was atomic bombs, for goodness sake. Progress. Okay. Good point. sake. Progress. Okay.

Good point. Morning. Happy New Year. Frank's been watching a lot of Newsnight over the break, guys. Does that still exist, Newsnight? I don't think it does. I don't think it's on in the holidays. Not enough news.

It's not gone the way of BHS or any of your other faves. No, no. Is there still PC World? Well, depends who you ask. Yeah. Okay. Is there still PC World? Yes, I believe there is.

Okay. Because I was thinking every time we had a story on about political correctness, it seems that more and more we could have the jingle that went, we're in the world, PC World. And then I thought, absolutely, or say, oh, hold on, people have to pay to get that on our station. You can't just put it on for free.

So I might just have to sing it. Obviously, I'll change a few notes and things so we don't get... I think it does still exist. I've got a feeling I might have gone in and... Well, where in the world? PC World. Some sort of trading estate, no doubt. So, I like that you greeted everyone with Happy New Year.

You see, you hear it said with a big emphasis on the new. No, no. Happy. You get Happy New Year. So, happy is the big one. And then people say Happy New Year. So, I don't know where the emphasis is supposed to be. Happy New Year feels like something

that father christmas would say on his way out yeah yeah anyway you can text us but now i can't think of it don't bother no because it'll be difficult to indicate where the emphasis is on a text message unless you've got caps yeah and also you know with what day is it now it's the fifth or something well that's what i mean I think you're just borderline love, if you don't mind me saying. How long can you say Happy New Year? Well, quite. Great question.

Because my new thing is I might start carrying it through. Oh, right to post-June. I might go April at least. Have a good Christmas. Why can't I ask them? Why not? Yeah, fair enough. Can I tell you, on things that we say...

We are three old people. No, things that you say a lot. You know, the things that you repeat. Yeah. And this is particularly true of middle-aged men, I think. I think I told you many years ago... Let me gather around the fireside. Yeah.

And you may have things that you say a lot but do you remember I told you a mate of mine his dad whenever he watched tennis

whenever they said let he would say bygones be bygones and he had to do it and then I had one when

do you remember a footballer called Papan yes and every time the commentator said Papan I'd say that must Yes. And every time the commentator said Papan, I'd say, oh, that must be my car.

Every time, right? And now, I was watching Man City Liverpool the other night and I've realised that, and once you lock into these, you can't lock out. Every time they say Sane, I say, no thanks, I've already eaten. And it's like, it's some sort of pact with the ether that now I just have to say whatever Sarnay is mentioned. So if anyone else out there has a thing like that,

a sort of trigger that they feel they have to say when they hear something, then let us know on 8.12.15, and we'll read it out in a radio presenter, light-hearted kind of way. And much fun will ensue. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, we were talking about word triggers earlier. Word triggers?

Well, I've never heard the term, so I wasn't talking about it. Well, I've just given your idea some structure. Okay, thanks. And Ollie from Salford has been in touch to say... Ollie gone to Salford? Whenever anyone says the word lettuce, I always have to say pray. I grew up in a Catholic school. It's terrible how you get locked in now.

If you become a father, it's even worse. For some reason, then you even worse. Oh, yeah. For some reason, then you have more and more of these. 044 has said, Morning, whenever the World Health Organisation is mentioned in the news, I'm forced to say, Who? Do you know in... Good work.

What was it called? It's called Planet Z or something. And Peter Capaldi was earlier, not that much earlier in his career, but before he became naked, was playing a doctor from the World Health Organization. And the credits actually say Dr. W-H-O. Oh, really?

Amazing. Oh, by the way, I went to Pinter at the Pinter last night oh Pinter at the Pinter I know I know yes I know that

because I've seen a photograph of you on social media oh with Tracey Ann Oberman oh yes well and David Schneider yes

well I went with David Schneider and Tracey Ann Oberman was in it's like two short plays. Oh, OK. The reason I mention it is that John Simm was in the plays. I'm sure you know.

Oh, yes. He was the master in Doctor Who. So I had a sense... Did you know that? Of course we knew that. I'd heard him say that he... Ever, ever, even. I wasn't sure how much he embraced

fandom anyway I bombed what a very good actor too oh he's a brilliant actor genuinely I know but he's a brilliant

master as well and I anyway I saw him so I went out and said he was great and it was great I'd recommend it

I mean I think it sold out but anyway I'd recommend it anyway hang on I hope you complimented him on the Pinter, not the Who. Oh, yeah, totally. Because I thought, well, I don't know if I'm going to mention the Who.

No, but you get so fan-like. And then he said, oh, I'm a massive fan of yours. He said, I've been a fan of yours my whole life. And I thought, how old is he then? And then I thought, actually, bigger question, how old am I? But then I said, I just had to say, because he was really lovely, and we talked about the play and all that,

and I said, I've got to tell you, I'm a massive Doctor Who fan. He said, anyway. And off he went. Same thing happened when I met John Hurt. I spoke to him for about ten minutes Oh, fine. Same thing happened when I met John Hurt. I spoke to him for about ten minutes about the naked civil servant, a show he did in about 1972. And then I said,

by the way, I'm a massive doctor. And he went, ha, ha! Walked away. Oh, dear. Hard life. It's a pattern. It is a pattern. Yeah.

What's that song by the Killers, Smile Like Jamelia? That's right that's right what's it actually called smile like you mean it okay it really sounds to me i would be so much more impressed by the killer we're not playing it or anything i just heard it earlier yeah i'd be so more impressed by the killers if they'd brought out a song called smile like jamelia it's the sound like they were thinking a bit outside the box for a change? Okay. I mean,

no disrespect to them as artists, well, a tiny bit. No, no, no. But wouldn't that be great if they brought out a song about

what a lovely smile Jamelia had? Because their choice of person, that would have really suggested... It'd be odd. Yeah, and that would be good though

she's exactly right because people think oh yeah actually she did have a nice smile I did a TV show with her once and we cut to her to ask her a question she was texting lovely though. Great smile.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, look, can I, we don't, I can't remember ever doing this before, but I'd like to go on a slight walk down memory lane. Oh. While I still have one. And I'd like to play you a clip from the show.

Oh, yeah. Now, I've got to tell you, Al, let me warn you up front that Steve Hall is sitting in for you on this clip. That's OK. I can be a sort of a neutral spectator. Yeah, you can be an objective analyst. Let's get out the holiday photos of when we were on a break. Exactly. And this is from October 2013,

and I'd just like you to have a listen to this. OK, anything else in the form of contact? We've had an absolutely charming email from Sarah, who has said, long-time reader, first-time writer. Sarah! Sarah! And Sarah says, I have just been given a two-hour drive-time slot on my student radio station. Oh, lovely!

Her first show is on Tuesday. Do they drive, students? Well, the Hitch. Hitchtime show. She says, to be honest, although I'm wildly excited about the situation, I'm also utterly terrified. I was wondering if you all still get nervous about the show or whether this constant nausea I am feeling will eventually subside. I sometimes think it might be a better show if I did get nervous before the show.

I can only apologise to you that I don't. Sometimes, I'm like, did I ever feel in about midday? I think, have I done the show? I have a feeling about midday, I think, have I done the show? So that was a clip from October 2013, which is, what, five and a bit years ago, from Sarah the student. And Sarah, would you believe it, is now our producer. Yeah.

As from today. So, um... Congratulations. Everybody! And you! Come on, Cliff! You're a free man, you can sing what you like. Oh, sorry. Sorry, I didn't think I was on that bit.

So quickly she lost her job. It was a lovely moment. A celebratory. Yeah. Isn't that lovely? So well done, Sarah. What a great story. And if, say, social mobility.

People from Hull doing well on national radio. Come on. It's all right when they say it. I mean, Philip Larkin. Frank. Yeah? Well, you know, this is true. I love that Sarah used to listen to the show, we should say.

She was a fan. Used to, yeah. Yeah, she doesn't anymore. No. I know. Dreams can come true for fans. Yes. what i'm living the dream okay but there's that man in beverly hills 90210 married one of his fans you know but yeah but see i used to i used to sing the jingles in those days um singles i called them oh no i think that's been used but now we actually

use that when I trail Sarah Champion we actually play a clip of the Bob Dylan singing Sarah and you know what

I like mine better yeah okay just saying as they say can I tell you something sure and we'll have

some more trigger words in a minute I struggle with this phrase I know you think it's PC World just because a girl come up with it that's not true

possibly so listen I've told you this I think before but my son who's six and a half has become a Tottenham Hotspur fan yes the black chickens yes as he calls them

and I as you know I'm a West Bromwich Albion fan it's difficult for me but I think you can't make people do stuff

well you can but that's fine coming from someone from the SNM community you know what I mean in a family you can't make people's fine coming from someone from the S&M community. You know what I mean?

Make people do stuff without a safe word. No, exactly. And so I had decided, we got invited by, can I say who it was? I think so. Michael McIntyre, who's a big Tottenham fan, said to me, why don't you come with us to a match at Wembley? So we all... And I said, well, you know, it's going to be weird for me.

And he said, well, we're playing Wolves soon. I said, OK, I'll be there. Because I'll be a Tottenham fan for an hour and a half. There's a hierarchy, isn't there? Yeah, but, you know, I just felt... I mean, no disrespect to Wolves, they're having a tremendous season, but obviously there's an age-old rivalry,

which I'm sure they acknowledge is two-way street, and I desperately wanted to see them humiliated at Wembley Stadium. You're ambivalent about Spurs, but hate is a greater fuel than ambivalence. Oh, God, hate's one of my great motivators. It gets me up in the morning, Frank. It energises me. As Marky Smith once said on stage, welcome to my vendetta.

Get that outside your house. It'd be a lovely sign. Yeah, it would, wouldn't it? But people would think we sold Italian ice cream. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So anyway, we went to Wembley and all started well. Harry Kane, my son's favourite player,

hit a sensational sort of 25-yarder. And it all looked good. And then Wolves utterly dominated for an hour 1-3-1 so not quite according to plan me and me and Michael are fairly battle scarred football fans

we've seen a fair amount of failure but the kids, so one of his kids after the second goal I think went in just got up and said come on we're going it was like 10 minutes

to go and then the other one I won't name because I don't name people's kids but they kicked

a hot chocolate cup and we just went up everybody got absolutely covered in hot chocolate and when the final whistle went,

Buzz just burst into tears. Oh dear. That they'd lost. So it was, it wasn't quite the game we planned. This is Buzz's first ever Tottenham game. And then I sent Buzz, it was the black chicken

in Lego form, wasn't it? Yes, exactly. Oh nice. Frank, well, you say that, but it was quite microscopic, wasn't it, in size? I mean, come on. I mean, it wasn't official Lego. It was mini Lego. So he's built the black chicken.

Yeah, he did. 3D. But anyway, so we got a parking space under the stadium, right? Yeah. So we were driving. After the game, we went down, got in the car. Michael was driving. We were leaving the ground.

And we saw Nuno Espirito Santo. That's a blessing. No, it's not a blessing. It's a name. The Walls Manicast. Just wandering about in the downstairs car park. I mean, are you familiar with him? I'm very familiar with him.

He's very distinctive looking. Yeah. My first thought was, I've already got the Christmas big issue. And he was just one. What are you doing? He just won. Had he missed the bus? I don't know.

He must have. Well, I'll say. It wasn't long enough. We didn't hang around. We just left. You would have thought they'd give him a nice space. I mean, what, wandering around in the car? But why wasn't he celebrating in the dressing room or doing post-match interviews?

He was just walking around. I couldn't work it out and he looked you know like he slightly hapless and yeah just

down there yeah like he was putting out cones so that was a bit of a mystery

so if you're listening Nuno what's going on you expect him to be sort of there is an element of behind the red carpet as well. Yeah, exactly.

He completely limboed under the velvet rope. And he just, I thought, at first I thought, oh, this bloke must just, you know, be moving, you know, you know the things you get in car parks, like those things that look like poor petrol and stuff like that. And, yeah, it was just him. Nobody with him.

Ten minutes after the game had ended. Strange. Very strange. I'm worried about him, I'll be honest with you. He wants tagging. Maybe. He's going to disappear. What a mystery, though.

If anyone else saw Nuno Espirito Santo wandering around the underground car park at Wembley, close to the closing of the game. Sightings of him. Exactly. Yeah, it's one of football's great mysteries. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Clive Silas, Frank, says you can tell Catholics or ex-Catholics,

like Frank and me, we know how to say Espirito Santo properly. God bless him. He seems like a nice bloke. Yeah? Can I actually say that about the Wolves manager? I remember on the way back in the car when Buzz had wiped the tears from his eyes he said I suppose I'll have to support West Bromwich Albion now.

I mean, as a punishment. I did think that that could be how that played out. I thought, yeah, that'll stop those disappointing defeat upsets. You won't see any drobbings if you come with me, kid. Hell no. Let's play safe. I don't like it being seen as a punishment. Cheek. 054 has texted,

on the jokes that you always do, you know, the things you have to say. Yeah, like trigger words. Say trigger words. Go on. 054 has texted, Helen Willits, BBC weather presenter. What are you talking about, Willits,

from 80s US TV series, Different Strokes? Yes, I like that he sourced it as well. Yeah. Now, it's good. Why do we have to say over and over, though? We nearly bought a house where we live, and now, whenever we've been on the M60 motorway and we're driving home,

we drive past a house that we could have bought when we first moved to Manchester and I every single time said to my wife and kids we'd be home by now if we'd bought that house wouldn't we every single time I mean it must be so annoying I have a version of that which I do

if I drive anywhere I'll park the car and if I when walking to the place if I pass any sort of space I'll say I could park there. Well there's one which I think I'm allowed to read out from 914 because I'm a lady. Whenever someone says abroad

I have to say God I'm ugly broad from the Ross Mayer film Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. That might be our first ever Ross Mayer quote. I don't think so. Probably the last. You don't think it is? I'm pretty sure he's been mentioned before.

I saw Milton Berle, the American comic, performing in Montreal. And he came out and said, it's a really hip audience tonight. Look at the hips on their broad. Oh, God. Whoa. Don't text us, it's fine. No, it's a slight throwback. I like that stuff.

Yeah. What do you mean you like that stuff? That stuff. That's good. Can't say that. That material. Mean a bit much. But by the way,

I wanted to ask you about it. You know, we were talking about the Elton John advert. Yes. A little bit funny. Christmas, yeah. Whenever I sing that song, and this is on the subject of repeating things, because I have the same few songs that I sing over and over and over.

Yes. I always go, mean a bit much, but it's the best I can do. I don't know if he actually does that, does he? I can absolutely confirm with a lot of certainty that he does that. No, I think I've, and I always do that. I can tell you what he does do.

Go on. It is the best I can do. Oh, no. See, I've made it. Both girls nodded. Yoo-hoo! Extraordinary. Maybe he should do that.

Maybe he can't do that. He's got a falsetto. Yeah, he can't. Has he got a falsetto? I don't know. Is that French for wig? Anyway. I haven't even told you

about my Christmas, Frank. Go on, tell me about your Christmas. Well, do you know what? Whenever people ask, they say, how was it? Quiet one? Oh, it was a quiet one.

Yeah. I mean, why do they bother asking? Everyone had a quiet one, it seems. I always say it was phenomenally loud. My ears actually bled. Yeah. Well, I had a few. I say mine was a quiet one,

but my neighbours, it turns out, new neighbours, seem a lovely young professional couple, big fan of a Christmas tune. Oh, are they? Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, Santa baby.

Yeah, we know what they are. Okay. I'm just giving you... But what kind of all you? Quite loud. Oh, okay. And also, on repeat, those two songs. Just those two.

Wow. No Paul McCartney, no Chris Rea, nothing else. Just those two. No Pugs. And I've decided that when you play the same Christmas song over and over again, it starts to look a bit serial killer. There's something odd about it. Do you know, I tell you, I lived

in the same bed seat house as a sculptor. Most depressing story. He was a sculptor and he only had two... It was vinyl in those days. But then again, no. He only had two records. He had

Blue Monday... Is had Blue Monday. Is it Blue Monday? You know, the new order one. And Love Missile F-1100 by Zig Zig Sputnik. And he just played them in turn over and over. I mean, like he would play them literally for an entire afternoon and evening. What did you do? Did you say... Well, they're good songs.

Right, OK. Nevertheless, do you know what I did? I did something quite passive-aggressive, I'm afraid. Go on. I could have gone round there, but you can't knock on the door with the wreath and say, excuse me, turn down the Christmas songs. I know, it's difficult, isn't it?

It'd be good if you dressed in Victorian costume, like top hat and all that. Scrooge outfit. I mean, it's just too Scroogey. Did you do Broomhandle on the ceiling? No, I didn't do that. Cliché. No.

Good. Do you want to know what I did? Yeah. Moved house. I retaliated by playing something different. I chose Mr Blue Sky by ELO. Because that felt quite summery and light. Yeah.

And it was just a way of expressing, you know, just a different take. It was like, well, no, I'm going to counteract your Christmas song with my summer one. But did you want to play Mr Blue Sky? No, absolutely not. Well, then you've got even louder music in your own flat that you don't want to listen to.

Not just that. I've got neighbours that must hate me now. The music went off afterwards. Oh, they got the message. He does go. He definitely goes, Mr. Blue Sky! At one point. Definitely.

I used to love first album of ELO it's fantastic I know but you don't want to hear it on Christmas Day do you I wouldn't mind

hearing the first album when Roy Wood left put it on there's a CD under your coffee cup is that what it is

if you're a presenter on radio 3 that's what you do you put an album on and go to the toilet. Unbelievable job.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Tweet us on at Frank at the radio. No.

At Frank on the radio. Yes, thanks. And you can at Frank on the radio, okay? Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Lovely. Ooh. Nice gifts, everyone. Nice Christmas gifts.

I don't know if I got any Christmas gifts. You should know that. I don't think I did. Particularly if you did get Christmas gifts, you should know that. What about I gave Jimmy Carr a gift. Oh, yeah. And there was a stain on the box.

Uh-oh. It was a lovely gift depends what the gift was if I do say so myself it's a jock strap it was sort of a jet lag set oh okay which has got all

the ungiants and potions and vitamins I believe oh I love an ungiant Frank had a lovely ungiant but it was in one of those you know those smart white cardboard gifts with the gold lettering

all very fancy and then it was too late to do anything but when I saw a massive oil stain You know those smart white cardboard gifts with the gold lettering, all very fancy? And then it was too late to do anything, but I saw a massive oil stain on it. Oil? Oil. I tacked it. I hope any seabirds weren't damaged. I tacked it with a baby wipe, but in the end, I just bore a hole into it. So I had to stick a gold bow on it.

Is he going to think that's second hand? What do you think now? No, he knows you better than that. Okay. He might think it's re-gifting. At worst he's going to think it's re-gifting. I know. I'm sure he'll be delighted. I think that's alright.

My brother-in-law who is a fan of a novelty gift. Oh, yeah. And has given me several, like, I'd say curveballs over the years. This year gave me a ray-gun shaped nasal hair trimmer. I wouldn't mind that. You wouldn't mind it? No.

All right, well, you've got a birthday coming up. It could be a re-gifting. What if a family member wrestled you to the floor thinking you were ending it all? With a ray gun. That's how I'd like to... How big is the ray gun? It's sort of like a little pistol-sized,

but I'm more concerned that apparently I have such visible nasal hair that I can't just use some nail scissors. I was going to say. I need a specific device for it. It is a bit like when I bought that gold deodorant in 1984. I mean, you can't, I don't know if you can buy the nasal. Could you get deodorant in 1984?

Yes, you could. I was a light adopter. In the North London area. Oh, I like a nasal trimmer. I'll bring it in. I'll bring it in. You can have a go. Now you've asked me what I had.

I think I had three pairs of socks and two bars of soap from my personal assistant. Nice. And I don't think I had another present. You smell so well of pot, Richard. From her. And I buy her so you know she has a certain obligate I think that's my only Christmas present that's awful isn't it

You know on the morning of Christmas Day did you have anything to do? Yeah I watched other people opening their presents mainly We should say that you and Kath have a no present rule don't you? Yeah, I watched other people opening their presents, mainly. We should say that you and Kath have a no-present rule, don't you? Well, I, um, no. Oh, oh, gosh.

I bought her an elaborate art table. Oh, that sounds nice. Anyway, it's my birthday on the 28th, just saying. Yeah. I had a bit of a Christmas shopping incident. I was in an Aldi and I was doing my shopping

it just so happened to be the supermarket that was on my way home and I had like a little trolley you don't have to defend it I don't think I do he only shops in places with his name in them and a woman said to me oh can you pass me that down like from a high shelf

so I passed her it down and said oh this is one of the few advantages of being my height i'm often passing people down stuff from high shelves and then another woman walked past and looked in my trolley and said oh where's the olive oil and pointed at it i was in a good mood i wasn't it wasn't time sensitive so i walked her two aisles to where the olive oil was and I got that down as well because it was also on a high shelf, I said there you go there it is, walked all the way back to my trolley saw an aisle later and she went oh my god, I'm sorry, I thought you worked here

she'd mistaken me you're lucky there wasn't industrial action you were basically scabbing is it alright to say to you let me put say to you, let me put this to you, if I saw Warwick Davis in Sainsbury's,

but you would, you just wouldn't. I already like where this is going. No, but you would not say, well, I'm just saying, you know, it's a two-way street. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, you know, we were talking about word triggers. 273.

Every time I hear the name Nicole, I follow it with Papa. Ah, yes. Papa, that must be my car. 460. I should say that's from an old advert. For Renault for Renault with two characters very beautiful young woman

very dashing older man who was the papa Sarah from Pluckley has texted when I watch tennis and they call juice I always say orange and pineapple please I've been saying it for years and I just can't stop myself. Quite a long one.

Yeah. Good work. I like it. I had to settle for orange, please. Speaking of food and comestibles, do you know what I did? I made a major error with Christmas dinner. Oh. I went for the leg.

I went for the turkey leg. and i don't never notice this before but turkey turkey leg seemed to be made out of a different substance from turkey it's browner meat on the leg much darker meat yeah i don't mind it but oh no i didn't like it who would ever go leg it felt what it tasted well they see I was trying to be the good guy. We had, you know, family around, and I thought I'll let them have the lovely white. Do you know what? I find it very touching when someone does that.

I really do when someone says, I'll have the leg, because I think, you don't want the leg. It meant it slightly ruined my Christmas dinner, to be honest with you. Really? Did you get any breasts? No.

No. No. No. I'll be honest with you really did you get any breasts no no erm no Emily can't speak anymore but we she's having what I think they call a fit of the giggles it was like I could taste pre-Roman occupation Britain

it's got a sort of dark mysterious a taste of history yes sediment but like time you know dark ages a taste of prehistory yes But like time, you know, dark ages. A taste of prehistory. Yes.

It's a bit gamey, isn't it? It's a bit sort of, yes, I know what you mean. But it's like a different world. Like it's been made up of some sort of hodgepodge. Yeah. I often used to taxidermy, I wondered if you could have

sort of morally acceptable taxidermy where you use roadkill and you took the limbs and sections which weren't tyre damaged and then put them into a composite animal yeah sort of a Frankenstein's, you need a big... Sort of a Frankenstein's monster.

Yeah, you need a big freezer, obviously. Yeah. Or the best, let's have a look at your best bits. Yeah. So, like, if there's a fox been run over and the head's all right, then you keep that. But anyway, I've never done it, don't get me wrong.

On a reindeer's body, or a deer stag. What would you take from the pig? Oh, I don't think they get road killed, do they? No, and very rarely. I think you might have to set that up. What would you do if you saw a pig road killed? Commission a hit on a pig? That would go in the boot, wouldn't it?

Come on, you wouldn't drive past a pig roadkill it'd be quite heavy eh it'd be quite heavy well it depends it'd probably be in two halves

there's a lot in the week when the Greg's vegan sausage roll came out as well I wonder if imagine the terrible thing they'll see

when Laurie gone over and the tail completely straight totally straightened by the impact. I mean, awful. When a pig's tail goes straight, does it go... Like that? Maybe not.

I wonder if you gave a pig artificial respiration, its tail would straighten out like a party ball. Oh, that's good. That'd be good. You gave a pig artificial respiration. It's tail would straighten out like a party ball. Oh, that's good. That'd be good. If there's any pig rescue people listening, I'd love to know. Confirm or deny. If there's any pig rescue listening, sorry, apologies.

Well, it'd be a great scene in a light-hearted narrative, wouldn't it? Like a film, a comedy film. Like the second Nanny McPhee, when they live on a farm. Oh, yeah, yeah. If someone had given a pig artificial respiration and that had happened, I can imagine people saying,

oh, that was a brilliant bit. So, is anyone writing a rural comedy at the moment, you can have that. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What about this I'll talk about these people on the telly

who have won they're all over the telly this morning I still call it lotto I like lotto I was just watching them on the news screen and which have they 112 million way too much money I like Lotto. I like Lotto. I was just watching them on the news screen. Which have they, 112? Hundred and...

Million? Way too much money. 112. I think it's 112 million. Is it? And they're on telly with champagne. I think she's got either a box of this or an orange juice, I can't tell. And they're celebrating, it's a massive story.

Yeah. I think it's 112. We're going to find out. We've got boffins on the case. Okay. But anyway, it's 100 million plus. Yeah, it's a lot. 115, love.

115 million, everyone. Right. I don't know why that's slightly disgusting. But anyway. It's great that you're out by three. I mean, that's still significant. Yeah. Three million.

That would be enough. Yeah. Three million. That'd be enough. Yeah. My error. My margin of error. Yes. You could live on. But anyway... We'll have their margin of error.

But I've earned a tiny fraction of that amount of money by hard work and endeavour over a period of 30 years, if I went on the telly with my partner drinking non-alcoholic champagne, celebrating the money I've got, I would be despised by the British public. These people are heartwarmingly loved for winning it. What you're saying is more rights for celebrities, I agree.

I'm saying more rights for people who work for it I've always thought as well if you do win the lottery you should have to in order to keep the money you have to agree that for the rest of your life every day you wear a top hat Is that right?

I just think if you're a lottery winner you must be separated from the herd You've got to wear the top hat I just think if you're a lottery winner, you must be separated from the herd. You've got to wear the top hat. Anyway. What about the top hat wearers, though? Would they then have to not wear top hats? The one, William Rees-Mogg.

Yeah, yeah. Ascot. That's about it. He's going to change Ascot with all those baseball caps. There's probably a lot of lottery winners at Ascot anyway. Oh, yeah. Can I tell you what really excited me over the Christmas period? Go on. I got to see our boy on BBC Spotty.

Oh, yeah, they call it Spotty, but it should really be Sporty, shouldn't it? It should be Sporty. We should say, in case people don't know what that is, Frank. Yes, I did the Sports Personality of the Year. Come on. It's a national institution. I knew I'd end up in one eventually. And at the Genting Arena.

I always thought Genting should be a verb. Yes. We can only guess what it would mean. I'm afraid I spent the weekend Genting, as it were. Shout out to Peter Stringfellow. May he rest in peace. You know when you see that on a sign and it says Gentleman's Club and you think that's the one group of people

that will not be in there. No top answer there. You never get like House of Vermin on one of those places. Anyway, so... Well, you didn't just appear on it. What did you do, Frank? Well, me and David Baddiel, we sang the popular football-themed hit

Three Lions. Yeah. Live. Yeah. Wow. I mean, accompanied by a Bangra group, a steel band, a gospel choir,

brass band I mean they went for it it was brilliant I have to say I did started on the leather sofa

yes so many things have to yes we recreated because Dave was a bit uneasy about

the England wearing England shirts at our age. Oh, does he think you shouldn't wear them after such age? Well, obviously they are designed for professional sportsmen. It's not that flattering a look, is it? I remember I watched a documentary about England winning the World Cup in 66 and they made all the players wear England shirts from that time

and it's the contrast of the bright red and the sort of grey throat is you don't want that well what I would say we were in white it was alright

we were we were look ready for a haunting well I look I looked at both of you and I thought do you know they've kept their figures

well I think Dave looks good in white. If you squint, he looks like Colonel Sanders. Right, which you like. Oh, I do. I can smell it. I can smell the batter. But I did a bad thing, I've got to tell you. Did you? What did you do? I thought I broke all the rules of celebrity etiquette.

What was that? I'll tell you after this message. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Also, you were telling us you broke celebrity etiquette. Well, I mentioned a little earlier that my son is a Tottenham Hotspur supporter now. And his great hero hero as you can imagine is Harry Kane

yes and so I was very keen I was very keen that I could meet him.

That I could get boss to meet Harry Kane. Well, of course, Harry Kane. Can you imagine how many young kids want to meet Harry Kane? He's like national hero. So I thought I'll broach it, you know. So we were waiting backstage, me, him and Garrett Southgate. We're waiting to go on. I mean, I love this anecdote already.

One minute it's the Queen in the wings, then it's Gareth Southgate. And I said to Harry Kane, I've got a six-shot, there's a massive, massive fan of yours, got your photo on his wall and all that. And he went, what is it? And I thought, to be fair to him, he must hear that. Yeah. So anyway. I know you were searching for the ramp, weren't you? Yeah. I understand. and I thought to be fair to him he must hear that yeah so anyway

I know you were searching for the ramp weren't you yeah I understand so anyway after the show was over

and the glittery snow that had fallen from the sky was from the ceiling of the Genting Stadium was still on the ground

still slippery on the ground I thought now is my moment so Boz was there so I went and got him and we were searching for Kane was still on the ground, still slippery on the ground. I thought, now's my moment. So Boz was there, so I went and got him, and we were searching for Kane. It was a Kane alert.

I had two members of my management team on different sides of the arena. So anyway, we couldn't find him, so we thought he must have just left immediately, probably to avoid people who do try to get their six-year-old to meet him. Yeah. So we went up to the hotel room. So I started to get Boz ready for bed. I got a phone call saying,

just spotted Harry Kane going into a restaurant. I said, right, I'm there. So we went down and I got to the restaurant. I left Boz at the other side of the thing. Where was the restaurant? It was sort of in the same complex. I'm imagining you rom-com style, getting in a car across town. No, no, I scampered at my age.

Not easy. Had Buzz redressed? Is he in a onesie now? Yeah, I've got him back into clothes now. Or his mum has. And so I get to the restaurant door. There's a big man standing there, black jacket, a bit of wire in the ear. Oh, yeah.

What did Igor say? I said, luckily it was in Birmingham. He said, all right, Frank. I said, is Harry Kane in there? He said, oh, he's got the whole restaurant to himself. He said, you know, it's all locked up. It's just him and his family that are having a private do because he's got a lot of his family with him.

I said, okay. So I thought, obviously I can't go in there. It's a private, locked restaurant. I said, you couldn't get me in, could you? He said, well, I don't know. I said, I just want to go. My kid would love to meet Harry. He said, I couldn't get me in, could you? He said, well, I don't know. I said, I just want to go. My kid would love to meet Eric. He said, I don't know.

He said, I'll go and ask the other bloke. He said, come in and sit here. So I sat in the foyer. Like you were waiting for a takeaway. Completely. Exactly. I sat in the takeaway seat. Like a Deliveroo driver or something.

Yeah, exactly. I sat in the takeaway seat and he went off this bloke. And I can hear, you know, warmth and frivolity coming. I mean, there was a lot of canes there. There was probably, I've got the sense, there was like a dozen.

Russell? No, no, I think it was just the actual, not just canes, not just general canes. And so then he came back with another man in a black coat. It was another security man. And he said, I'm going to, he said, just wait there a bit. I'm sorting it out. And then, so then I phoned Kath and said get Buzz down here quick

I think I might have made a breakthrough Buzz is not with you so Harry Kane then suddenly appears and says to me alright where is he and I said he's not actually here yet I thought uh oh and he said well I'm just doing some photos

with my family so I'll come back after so he goes off again it's very nice of him I mean he should have said how And he said, well, I'm just doing some photos with my family. So I'll come back after. So he goes off again. It's very nice of him. I mean, he should have said, how dare you? So Buzz comes in. I still haven't told him what's happening.

And then Charlie Kane, Harry's brother, comes walking up. And he looks just like Harry Kane. So Buzz thinks, oh, amazing, it's Harry. It was a decoy. It was like, have you ever seen that film, I Was Monty's Double? I haven't, no. No, OK. We won't go into it.

So Buzz was, and I said, this is Charlie. Do you remember Charlie from the book? Because I'm reading. Do I need to have a break now, Sarah? She's looking very anxious? Because I'm reading. Do I need to have a break now, Sarah? She's looking very anxious. So I'm talking... She's looking anxious at your story, as I am, because I feel I'm on spielkers.

I know, I mean, I would never normally... If it had been an autograph from me, I wouldn't have done it. I'm on absolute spielkers. But I kind of love that you did this. If it was like Matt Smith in there, I would have said, no, leave him to it, you know. Right. But this is, you know. Right. But this is, you know,

you do things for your kid. Anyway, so Charlie comes over. So Boz is staring at him and I said, this is Charlie because I've read Boz, Harry Kane's biography. Right. Yeah, which Charlie features in.

Yeah. And Charlie comes over and said, all right, can I have my photo with you? And I thought, no, hold on a minute. She's got it all wrong. So anyway, brilliantly, Harry Kane comes over and he's fabulous and says things like, did you watch the World Cup?

And we'll try and win it next time. All that really brilliant stuff. And then Harry Kane says, anyway, let's get some photos. And so we did. And it was all turned out brilliantly. So full respect to him. I'm just so relieved that your humiliation one didn't go to well i mean we did about i wouldn't have as a private not just a private section it was a building it closed off the building so he could have a bit of peace and quiet do you know what i like is you sitting in

the takeaway section as i call it and i i like to think of you in your pyjamas that you just raised down from the... It wasn't quite that, but... But anyway, it all turned out for the best. Well done. Shout-out to Harry Kane. Good old Harry Kane for joining in. And Charlie. And Charlie.

He helped out. He provided an assist. No, yeah, I think he's sort of Harry's agent or something like that. So I think they're a team. I could be wrong about that. I mean, I've been wrong before. When was that? I think it was October 2013.

This is Frank Skinner of Snoop Radio. You know what we haven't discussed today? The wait being finally over. The wait is over. The wait? The wait for the Greg's vegan sausage roll. Oh, yeah. I shouldn't really say sausage, it's vegan.

I suppose, is it called a vegan roll? It'd still be a sausage. It's corn. Well, yes, you're right, because sausage is... Sausage is more the shape, isn't it? You're right. It's French, originally. Is it really?

Or sausage? Sausage? Ooh! And it's to do with the seasoning. So Frank is correct, rather than the meat. Well, it's got a lot of press, this, guys, because apparently there have been queues outside Greg's of vegans trying to get it.

And a little bit of a hullabaloo from the likes of Piers Morgan. He called them PC ravaged clowns. Yeah, he's worried that he's getting this from PC World, isn't he? Where in the world? PC World.

See, this sort have had a jingle, would have been gold dust. I think PC Ravaged Clowns sounds a bit like an Edinburgh sketch show. You just come out thinking, oh, no. Well, I think it should be hyphenated. It should be a local policeman. Why is he so angry about it?

So much hyphenation now in football. There is, yeah. Hyphenation. It's everywhere. Is it what you need? What about the next generation? Oh, with their four-barrel surnames. I know, they're going to have to draw a line under the whole thing. Yeah, we're going to be old.

There's just going to be more stuff on the shirt. Yeah, I was shocked because I do, I sort of hold Greg's chiefly responsible for the national obesity crisis. Unfairly, may I say.

Do you think? But anyway. Yeah, yeah. I think it's multifactorial for the national obesity crisis. Well, yeah,

you know, broad strokes when one's, yeah. But, so I'm surprised that they're really even interested in it. But I think it's a good thing, isn't it? I think it is. Offering more choice. Unless your peers mortgage. Well, there was a petition, apparently, last year.

So that was one of the reasons why they decided to launch the corn sausage roll. Uh-huh. But I think vegans, why shouldn't they get fat like everyone else? Yeah. Because there was a bloke who said, they interviewed some vegan, he said, it's about time,

he said, we're not all these super healthy eaters. He said, I just don't like the idea of killing animals, but I still like, you know, the more vegan fast food, the better. I thought, that's a healthy attitude. I think some people are saying that is a good thing because it's taking it away from the clean eating smug brigade

and it's making it a basic toy. Why are there always brigades? PC brigade, clean eating brigade. Was it the international brigade that went to the Spanish Civil War? Maybe that's where the sort of liberal lefty idea of a brigade began. Brigade is always a disparaging term now.

Well, not the fire brigade, dear. No, I love the fire brigade. Great use of deer, by the way. Yeah, exactly. Let's be careful. Shout out for the fire service. I'm going to do a show with Derek Nimmo. But I read this story and I learned something which I did not know.

And that is that we are currently in veganuary. Oh, yeah. Veganuary. Veganuary. When I started reading the word, I thought it was going to be a lot ruder than it turned out. Right. To be honest. But yeah, veganuary. Veganuary.

It doesn't quite work. I mean. It doesn't quite work, but you know. Veganuary. Unfortunately, I'd already started in our house, flanuary. Oh. Where we just live on varying flans. That's much better.

That's a shame, because there's eggs in them, I think. Is there? I don't know. I've got canuary. I live off tins. That'd be a good one. I'd love that. That'd be a good one. I'd love that. That'd be a good one.

I eat quite a lot of tinned food. It's great. Well, in March, I'm just going to eat pasta, potatoes and rice. I'm going to call it starch. Very good. Have you got any food-based months you want to send us in 8, 12, 15? Why not do that thing

Skinner, Dean and Cochran together the Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio Yes so this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran text the show on 8.12.15 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio,

email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had some great suggestions, Frank, for people deciding to eat one type of food during a month, inspired by you and your, what was yours again? Starch. Oh yeah, yeah, starch. What was yours?

I had cannery. I'll just be eating a soup So so far we've had flannery, cannery Veganuary was what started it all Simon, Cotswolds art dealer One of our regulars Haven't heard from him for a long time Hello there

I shall only be eating calamari in October Think about that little one Very good October, come on Excellent It's not as vegan friendly a joke as it could have been in October. Oh. You have to think about that little one. Very good. Because of octopus. Oh, excellent. It's not as vegan-friendly a joke as it could have been. No, I like it. I like it too.

But I like it. I like it. We've also got Mark, who says, I plan to only eat dried grass during April. Oh, God. Is he on the hay diet? Very good.

These are good. They are good. I like them. There was another one I liked, but talk amongst yourselves whilst I locate it. I'd like to know if Greggs are going to consider selling the vegan sausage roll only to vegans, so that if someone says, oh, I'd like a vegan sausage roll,

do they come out and have a little checklist of what shoes have you got and what trousers have you got. Oh, I see. Because you need to be a vegan. Maybe they should make it like that. Well, I knew a vegan when I was at university. In the days when it was hardly any, you never met a vegan. You're as likely to meet a Vulcan as a vegan.

Yeah. And he had shoes that were made from processed cabbage leaves. He did. They were nice. They cabbage leaves. Yeah, it did. But they were nice. They sound great. Absolutely disgusting. I would never date someone who wore those. Oh, come on, you sound surprised. I mean, that's a deal

breaker. Imagine someone coming to pick you up with cabbages on their feet. Yeah, but they don't look like... They're not like Billy Connolly's banana boots. They're not like two massive cabbages. I wonder if they're not like Billy Connolly's banana boots. They're not like two massive cabbages. I wonder if they were vegan Billy Connolly's banana boots. You'd hope, wouldn't you? Yeah, you would.

20,000 people signed the petition. Yeah? I remember. It said in the... Can I just say, in the Independent, it said that the petition garnered 20,000 signatures. Wow, garnered. Don't hear that one very often.

Mother garnered? I was talking to a friend of mine over Christmas. We were talking about when players don't play in the first team for a white football. And he said yesterday, he said, I believe he's languishing in the reserves. I love it. I love it. Sorry, Alan. Oh, I love the one you say.

I was going to say that I remember one of the first vegans I ever spent any time with on a long drive to a gig and him saying, this is before the internet, that he had a book at home called The Vegan Bible, where he consulted foods that had weird things that weren't vegan. So sometimes they put bits in beer that used to be vegan and then suddenly it isn't. But now it's so much easier to be a vegan because they can just Google everything, can't they?

Or they've got an app for it. Well, they're everywhere now. It's a doddle, isn't it? Everywhere. Joseph Libby is doing juniper a month of gin only. Oh! Okay. Juniper berry.

Oh. It's from juniper berry. Yeah. Oh, well, that's... I thought you were a bit disappointed in that. No, only because I disappointed in myself. Oh, for not knowing the juniper. Well, you're off the alcohol, darling. One of the things that the vegan,

I don't know what their organisation is concerned, but there'll be a spokesman who gets upset. Petter tends to be, yeah. But they're all sorts of anti-animal. They're connected, though. It's a petition, I believe. Me and David Baddiel went naked for Petter many years ago. Did you?

Okay. What would it take now to tempt you? Well, I don't know if people want to see it now. I'll be the judge of that. Yeah. You know those bloodhound poppies you get? Yeah. I just have one of them on my lap.

No one will know any of the wiser. So, yes, fishless fish fingers is what they're doing. It's the names that's going to be the problems with this. I mean, that to me is cultural appropriation. I agree. They're taking our stuff. You could just call them fingers, but that's going to be even more problematic. Exactly.

Sounds like cannibalism. But do we really like the filling? I mean, take the sausage roll. If I'm honest, I find the meat inside the sausage roll it's a little bit inconvenient truth if i'm honest i love the taste of it don't really want to know much about the process what's in there so it's the diet people always say nostrils as if as if that's a really bad thing to eat oh they put the nostrils in and everything. Why is that so bad? I don't mind eating a bit of nostril.

I've done that on a first date. I don't care. I'm just saying, thank you. One of those dark snogs. Yeah, exactly. Dark snogs. I'll tell you this after. Okay.

Because I'm serious. Well, I'm not done with my sausage roll theory, which I will continue. Okay, well, you're next. I think we have a queuing system. Cashier number four. I'll tell you what we should do on this show. We should have one of those machines that you take tickets.

Oh, yeah. I was going to say, cashier number seven. Yeah. Like a good deli. I was thinking like a hospital appointment when you all sit with your tickets and wait. That's one of the most exciting things, waiting for your number to come up on the screen.

Frank, when I was waiting for my residence permit and my number came up recently, I've never been so excited. Well, I went with Kath. Hashtag blessed. I went for a blood test. It wasn't even my blood test. Kath needed one and I just went with her

because I just loved the old ticket screen combo. And then Harry Kane walked in. I just know he wasn't there. Not on this occasion yeah Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio I'll be honest when joining this show I didn't think the thing that would really light up the switchboard would be a

food based month pun competition we got some good triggers earlier as well. Is there any more of those kicking around? Oh, not the food ones. Things that trigger people.

Oh, do the food ones. We'll go to these food ones first. Go on, Al. There is some things that trigger people that always do the same joke. Okay. 3-2-0, whenever listening to magic radio, when it says magic news I used to say

Paul Daniels is dead. And in a nod to Paul Daniels I was speaking in the car. What about if there was a section on the radio that was magic news? There's things going

on in the world of magic. David Blaine has updated one of his tricks. And all their music, they just said... Magic news coming up. Or would it be? Magic. Now it's over to Enid with the magic

news. Thanks a lot, Paul. What would the news be? Faye Presto has been... She is still around, Faye Presto has been there. Is she still around, Faye Presto? I think so, yeah. Pete, who's the one we saw in Edinburgh? Pete?

Pete Furman. Oh, yes. Pete Furman, yeah. He'd get some updates on the bulletins. Surely he'd be on Magic News. Yeah. Whenever someone says, guess what? And you could have the female reporter

could be reporting from two different locations Oh excellent Alright Mark texted earlier Whenever someone says guess what I always respond with cold potatoes aren't hot I don't know why I've never heard that one before

No me neither Also Christopher Turvey says, mine is not a word, but when I watch University Challenge, the intro music has about four boings in it. I play a one-string air cello and pluck it and say boing out loud. I do it every time.

Say a boing. Boing. Okay. I'll be doing that. We'll be doing that now. Whenever I dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun. Boing. Okay. I'll be doing that. We'll be doing that now. Whenever I watched a Michael Parkinson show... Can we say this,

what you were going to say? I don't think we can... What? I think so, yeah. Okay. Because, yes, every time the thing... No, trust me.

Okay. Every time the theme tune... I think partly because I'd had a difficult experience on the Parkinson show and he was a bit off with me. Okay. Every time the theme tune, I think partly because I'd had a difficult experience on the Parkinson's show and he was a bit off with me, is that whenever he used to come on, I always used to go, in a very sneering manner. I'm so sorry, Frank, but I thought that was going to be...

I think David Baddiel has something he sings to that, and it's very different. OK, I would like that. I don't even know that. OK, you will find out shortly. I don't want to. Oh that's one of the food things that I saw in a pub vegetarian chilli con carne

advertised and I thought no I'm not having that You're not having that? Why? Well con carne means with meat. Oh, does it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh. You can't have vegetarian chilli with meat.

I didn't know that. I mean, I think people, if they're going to do it, well-meaning, but make a bit of an effort. Change the names properly. Anyway, I took Buzz to a fish and chip restaurant. Oh, yeah. Right. Which I'd never been to, this particular one. And I'm never sure about, once they put fish and chip restaurant. Oh, yeah. Right. Which I'd never been to,

this particular one. And I'm never sure about, once they put fish and chips on a plate, for some reason, it's not as nice as when it's in paper. Mm-hmm. Anyway, and the owner was an old Italian man

who wandered around as if he owned some fabulous hotel in Rome, talking to the people. What are you going to say, as if you're underplayed? Fish and chip, right, yeah. But very, you know, little madame, you're like, this is a fish and chip restaurant. Was it?

May I take your wrap, sir? It was like that. And I said, I'm here for some fish and chips and I don't want them to burn my lip. No, I didn't. I didn't do that. Anyway, we had

tomato ketchup. I don't have tomato ketchup on fish and chips personally. You don't? Do you not?

Never. Okay, can't be that bad. Never. Tartare. How dare you? It's leaving early. No.

It's quite the way we both chose to interpret that. Yeah, exactly. What if there'd been an actual tartar in here, the old Eastern warrior race?

Anyway... Unlikely. Yeah, unlikely. So, Boz wanted some tomato ketchup. He couldn't get it out the bottle. And it was one of those, it was a red bottle, so he couldn't really see. I think that's a southern thing, you see.

You've raised a southerner. So I shook it, yeah, maybe. I shook it up, and when I opened the top on, it shot like champagne straight in my eye. But it was fizzy. It sort of went everywhere. It's all over my clothes, him, and really hurting me in my eye.

It hurt you? It really, genuinely hurt me. Sorry, I'm going to try and be more... It hurt you? And Bob... He was pulling bits out of his hair later. I saw you later that day. He's got ketchup in my hair.

I said, can you see ketchup in my hair? I thought Kath had got to be experimental. Bath said to me, you could have been in the Guinness Book of Records of the first man to be blinded by tomato ketchup. I don't know if that category is in there. Always got his eye on some fame.

Celebrity blindings page 134. What's the most interesting celebrity blinding you've ever had 12 50 um so yeah but what how did that happen it wasn't like i was shaking it and then it happened i stopped yeah i took the top off and it was like when you've been shaking up some um perrier do you think they'd put in some sparkling water to cut it back a bit? Why would they?

I asked Kat, Kat said it was off. That was off. Oh, she might be right. Well, you know when you get like fruit juice and it gets a bit bubbly? Oh, don't start me on smoothies. No, but... I walked downstairs once and there was smoothie,

or I thought I'd been broken into, I nearly called the police. There was strawberry smoothie all over the walls. It exploded. It's a bit late to start you on smoothies. Let's face it. That's what we used to call debonair men.

Oh, I see. I don't have to explain. If anyone can explain to me how tomato ketchup can explode like that out of a static bottle this is frank skinner absolute radio we've uh we've got some sauce answers for you. You've got some sauce. I have, yeah. Frank was asking why a bottle of ketchup that had been shook and then sat back on the table

would explode all over you. Yeah, yeah. Bring in anybody that's just tuned in. Yeah, let alone anyone playing ketchup. Yeah. Shut up. If they've only recently... Do you know what?

That's why I work here. Oh. Okay. I thought that was excellent, Frank. Thank you. My condiments. Thank you. Oh.

Brilliant. 382 has texted, it sounds like the ketchup had started fermenting and shot out because of the build-up of gas. Yeah, I think that was Kat's view. So that means it's old ketchup. Yes, well, 078 has kind of confirmed

that, but in a more sciencey way, and I know you're a big lover of the sciences, Frank. I like it when scientists contact the programme. It makes me feel like... If Frank was on Twitter, I think that would be his bio. He'd just have hate science. I don't, you know, I don't understand it.

I know. Laura from London has texted, build-up of carbon dioxide due to fermentation, not fermentation, interestingly, of the sauce. Yeast must have been growing in the bottle. Possible that top wasn't on properly or stored incorrectly. Oh, I'm going to get candida. You're listening to the Food Programme on Radio 5.

I know. Just kidding. Oh, dear. Well, Leslie on Radio 5. I know. Just kidding. Oh, dear. Well, Leslie said, yeah, I emailed you about five years ago about exploding ketchup. Really? The sauce got too warm and expanded in the bottle, then exploded in your face.

Oh, so that's a different... It happens a lot where I work in the summer. That's from Leslie. Yeah, but I think this was not... I like her tone. Five years ago. I emailed you five years ago about this. But this was in December.

I don't think it would have got too warm. It could be. There might be fans of central heating. I'll have to ask old Geppetto, the gaffer. Well, sir, I don't know about this. Anyway, thanks for clearing that up. So Kath was right, I'd gone off a bit. That could have done me.

I gave my child that ketchup. Oh, dear. So, yeah, what about, I'll tell you what. You might have heard me occasionally moan about people taking very large bags on as hand luggage on a plane. It really annoys me. Hand luggage. It's just what you need for the flight.

That's all it should be. And are you talking about wheelies? Because you're not a fan of wheelies either, are you? You're talking about wheelies, because you're not a fan of wheelies either, are you? No, well, the idea that you take so much stuff on a plane for the journey, it needs wheels to be, it's ridiculous. But I saw a thing this week about backpacks in Japan. The giant backpacks. Have you seen that? These are backpacks.

Another problem of mine is BPA, which is backpack awareness. Oh, yeah. You're on a bus and there's someone just robbing a backpack. Yes, on a bus. I've got an over-60s travel card. And there's someone who's just forgot that they've got a backpack and they're standing just robbing it in your face. Well, the big bag is huge at the moment.

The big bag is huge. It is. According to this article, it's getting huger for 2019. So in Japan, they've all got... Can we explain in a pen picture, as they used to call them, how big... When you hang it on your shoulders, this backpack, it comes down to mid-calf.

Yeah. I mean, it would be my full height i would imagine i would say if it was like if you took a normal backpack and put it on the shoulders of an erect jack russell that's how big it looks great word picture yeah and in japan it's gone everyone has gone absolutely crazy i'm gonna'm going to demonstrate the phenomenon for you. So we've got one of these bags here from Japan, just arrived this morning, and we're just going to give it a try.

So here goes. See what's inside. What are you? What are you? What are you lot? Get out! Four of them in there. Hold on. Very good.

I mean, I did have concerns when I saw this article that it could be people smuggling, and there we go. Well, they did say it's big enough for a person. Well, what kind of a person? Well, I imagine the Wolves manager will be living in one in a local park near you. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I worry about this giant backpack thing and the future that it may bring. Why's that?

Well, I was once wearing a normal, like, rucksack. You know, like a rucksack? Your normal's not my normal. I know a rucksack. And I stumbled at a roadside and fell backwards whilst wearing the rucksack. There's a lot in it, was there? There's a lot in it, and I ended up like a sort of a turtle

or an earwig or something, you know, on its shell. I would have gone Kafka, love that. And I was sort of there for a while, but I'm a six-foot-three gentleman, but the Japanese in these massive backpacks, they're going to, I don't think there's going to be any pedestrians left in Japan. You'll just be walking through

and lots of people waving their arms and legs around. Well, Monsieur Hulot. Yes. I don't know if you've seen any of those old French movies. Yes. Oddly, yes. There's a bit where he walks to the top of a mountain with a backpack

and when he gets to the top, he looks up. And the looking up process means he walks all the way back down the mountain because of the weight of the backpack. It's very fine. But I think, can I say, I think my love of the French language, I don't speak French, but I love just saying the odd word. You never know it. Yes.

Is the title of one of his films, which was Mon Oncle. And I just loved it. I thought, don't just say my uncle. What do we even bother with other languages? Mon Oncle. That is how I should refer to all my uncles. Yeah.

If I knew any of them. The big bag has been back. I mean, they're not the first, I should say. Aren't they? Well, the micro bag was very fashionable. So that small bag? Yes, that's a small one, cross-body bag, little square shape.

You may have seen them. I'm telling you I've seen them. Are you struggling there, Al? There's some shoe business. No, I was just popping my shoe back on. But that was very fashionable. It was the Instagram lifestyle. Just the phone.

What about... And the lipstick. Now the large bag is back. What about the red, white and blue striped plastic zip bag used for close the laundry, move in house, sleep in rough? Do you not remember that? Oh, of course I know that. I think that may have been replaced by the Ikea.

Well, what were they even made of, those bags? It was like plastic reinforced with straw. Yeah, it was like a wicker hybrid thing. There was a designer version of that bag because there was a designer version of the Ikea bag that Balenciaga made. Got them all. But yeah, I think that, I would carry that as a handbag.

A handbag? A handbag? They were enormous! Well, that's the point. What were they for? That's the size that they have to be now, honestly. If this was a no-deal Brexit, it would be ironic if people are sleeping rough with red, white and blue. It will.

Bags with all their belongings in. Anyway, let's hope everything turns out for both sides nicely. Good night, Laura. Good night, Sue. Good night. Question time was strange this week, wasn't it, darling? Yeah, that Fiona Bruce. Why is she doing it in that deep northern accent?

I'd love it if Frank presented question time. So would you have one? They're £180 these bags. Would you get one? Two, dear. I mean, I'd let someone carry... You're going to get two, dear? Love it.

I've already ordered them now. I'd let someone carry me in one. For example, if Alan got one... You wouldn't. I'd let someone carry me in one. For example, if Alan got one. You wouldn't. I would. I told you. I like the idea

of going inside the rucksack. So we could take you to brunch. How nice would that be? I'd say that'd be good for Taylor Swift. Oh, yes.

Because she's carried in and out of gigs we discovered recently often in a suitcase so that the fans don't get her. Yeah. And we already established... I don't know if her knees and elbows might slice through the fabric.

I mean, it'd be like carrying a fold-up bicycle, I imagine, carrying a hunched tail switch. I'd be a bit more like, you know when you carry something in a suit bag and then it falls off the hanger? I'd just be all at the bottom, huddled up. We wouldn't have to fold your clothes in these bags. No. Or to just hang them up.

You could have your trousers full length. Watch out for the hangers on your ears. Yeah, I've got a woman say that to me years ago. Thank you so much for listening this morning to me and my colleagues. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Be seeing you. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.