The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Telly Shops

Episode Date: August 1, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has had a busy week. He enjoyed tea at the cricket with a statesman and was wrongly judged in a bookshop. Also this week the team discuss 'that' interview with Cara Delevingne, the loss of 'unexpected item in bagging area', the new addition to Airbnb and Gisele's strange choice of disguise.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. If you'd like to text the show, try 81215. If you're one of those Twitterati, you can get us on at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. They're the three main routes.

Some people just turn up at the studios. Oh, yeah? Yeah, usually with pictures of me and Doctor Who. Oh, yeah. In a very, very overused plastic carrier bag. Well, that's what we did. That's how we got the gig. Yeah.

Worked for us. Well, I'm not saying I'm going to pluck any more off the street. It's like in the old days of the American shipyards, when people just used to hang around with black woolly hats waiting to be picked in the morning to see if they were going to work. You just turn up. You do what I call an Odin Wingy, Frank. Yes, exactly, you just turn up.

Yeah. Nice. Oh, Odin Wingy, these we have loved. Have we heard from the outside world, old cockerelio? We have, but I've lost it on my screen. Okay. We'll move on.

We'll come back to it. Well, I'll tell you what has been going on. They're all reporting flying ant sightings, Frank. Really? Oh, yeah. Is it that day? It was yesterday, that day. I never saw a single one yesterday. There'd be loads of sightings.

Just stick your head out the door and boom. Andy says, I felt sorry for the hate towards them, so I threw a big party instead, which I think is very nice. Yeah, apparently there were some sightings yesterday. Oh, God, we got the paddling pool out yesterday. There's probably a crust of it. The crust of death, I call it. Do you?

Yeah, I do now. Yeah. Rob Wag says they're three weeks later than usual. How do you explain that? Three weeks? Is he a diarist? He must be a diarist. He must be. Remember there was someone who texted us who said they kept

a regular record of Flying Ant Day. Yes, exactly. We've never really delved fully into the phenomenon of Flying Ant Day or why they all do it on the same day. It's some sort of, it'll be radar. There's a lot of that in the animal kingdom there's a great deal of radar I find.

The bats. The bats thrive on it. Of course. What do you think, they can't see? We think that. I'm already, I'm bored. I've got bored of this topic. Frank, what about Sally Findlay? This is a bit insulting. Sally Findlay. Sally Findlay, I'm bored. I've got bored of this topic. Frank, what about Sally Findlay? This is a bit insulting. Sally Findlay.

Sally Findlay. Good morning, Sally. She's tweeted at us. I asked, shall we tweet him? Meaning you. Husband said, no. Listens every week, but he won't talk to you. I think that's fair enough.

Do you? Why? I've been out with people like that. And they are essentially... What, like Mr. Findlay? Yeah, they're receivers rather than transmitters. And I think it's good to know which one you are in life. Yeah?

Yes. It's nice to have a bit of both. You can quote me on that, Mr Findlay. Oh, Mr Findlay, I can picture him now. The dream vest, do you think? What, from when you went out with him? Yeah, well, he's probably changed. As you know, if you're born Peter Pibby,

you went out with him years ago. well, he's probably changed. As you know, if you're born Peter Pibby, you went out with him years ago. It's often a night out. If I met him, I'd say, Mr Finlay. Like his carry-on character. Yeah, of course, Dr Finlay was the big one, wasn't he? Oh, was he? OK. Yeah. Oh, yes.

I went to the test match. Oh. This week. And I was on... Oh, I had the full works. You know when you get to the test match this week, and I was on... Oh, I had the full works. You know when you get to the test match, and you just, you know, you take a bag with some sandwiches in. I had the full... I was in the committee room.

You had a picnic. Oh, did you take it, or was it there? No, no, it was there. Played on? Oh, it was VIP. Played on? I had VIP parking. Oh, excellent.

Well, I should have. I was offered. That's not one of your 50 cents. I was given VIP parking. Given? Given it. And I said to the guy on the gate, apparently I've got to park

in the committee room. He said, I don't know what you're talking about. So I just parked on the car park. I didn't want to. I was being dazzled by too much IVs. I got a tweet in the week. I meant to tell you saying your car window was open. It was, yes. Oh, I forgot to pass it on. Soz.

Well, someone knew that it was my car. Someone tweeted me and said, can you just let Frank know his car window's passing through his car. I should say my car does have Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio painted on all over it. It's one of those cars. How much do you get for that? £4.50 a week? I've got a big toffee on top as well from...

Imagine if you had a sponsored car. An enormous, a big... It's four feet across the toffee it's for a local local company and a big plastic peerless pen do you see those grass covered cars that look they've got astroturf yeah yeah see them i love them what are they advertising uh grass astroturf yeah are they i don't know it's not a lot of call for astroTurf, though, is there? You don't see one driving past going, oh, I must get some AstroTurf. If you were taking your dog for a walk

and you allowed it to defecate on the roof of one of those cars, do you think you could argue your way out of it in court, saying, I thought it was a mound? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Who's that? Donald Dog. I can't do the words

with Donald Dog. I can do that Oh, was that you? I thought he was on as a guest today. I wasn't looking at you. We don't have guests anymore because they talk too much. We've got a lot to say. And Donald, he's guest today. No, no, no. I wasn't looking at you. No, we don't have guests anymore because they talk too much. No, exactly. And Donald. We've got a lot to say. And Donald, he's furious so much of the time.

I'm about to stop. Furious. What is it? What is it this evening? And I had issues with his undergarments or lack of them, frankly.

Yes. Yes. Well, yes, so I went to the test match. Yeah. I wish you'd let me know my window was open in my car. What's the good of having social media?

I didn't find out until I got to my car. Why should you benefit from it when you refuse to contribute to it? Well, you could say the same thing about... Hawkeye. Taxes. Hawkeye on the tennis. Yeah. My wife played the bridge.

I thought you had just gone very Scottish on me there for a minute. Hawkeye. Taxes. Hawkeye on the tennis. Yeah. My wife played it for ages. I thought you had just gone very Scottish on me there for a minute. Hawkeye. She's right. My wife reckoned that the players that disagree with Hawkeye shouldn't be allowed to use Hawkeye. You know when it was first coming in, there was a few that were like, no, no, no, we can't have that.

And she was saying they shouldn't be allowed to appeal then. I think it's all a bit racist. Hawkeye. What is? Why? Because when I was a kid, Hawkeye was a TV show. Was it? And he was accompanied by his Native American friend, Chingachook. Oh, yeah.

Nothing ever gets named after him. Right. It's all Hawkeye this, Hawkeye that. Oh, is it? They're just compounding the whole thing that he was the boss and Chingachook was the sidekick, like Tonto. Why don't we name something Chingachuk to try and redress the balance?

That's a good idea, Al. We'll have to think carefully about it. I think that might be the problem. That's the problem. Let's put our team on it, though. Yeah, if anyone has got any ideas of what we could name after Chingachuk... That'll be an extraordinary moment. If anyone has got any ideas of what we could name after Chinga Chook.

That'll be an extraordinary moment. I bet someone immediately says, I've been thinking this for ages. At last, someone's come up with the Chinga Chook naming ceremony idea. So I had... So it was a fabulous day at the cricket. Oh, yeah. Well, I was going to go and I can't. It's all off. I had to text Frank. Emily was going to go and I can't. It's all off.

I had to text Frank. Emily was due to go today, which I said was optimistic. I know. It's all off. What's the story then? What's happened? Have they lost already? I don't really understand cricket. Well, we won't go in, but we won comfortably. Oh, okay. Well, that's good, isn't it?

Isn't it? Chris Rogers was playing. Do you know Chris Rogers? No. Thanks for the tip. No, and I won't go any further. So, I was on, at lunch, I was sitting with John Howard, do you know who that is? Former Prime Minister of Australia. Oh, that John Howard.

Yeah. He was Prime Minister of Australia. Oh, John Howard. Yeah. He was Prime Minister for ages. I think he's the longest serving Australian Prime Minister. And the tea came round and I picked up the milk and he yelled at his cop so I could put some milk in his cup. You could tell he's a man who... You could smell the power on him. Oh, really?

Can I just say, was he tea first, then milk? He had tea, yes, and then the milk came. Unusual for an Aussie. So I, and when I put it in, it swirled around the opposite way that it does here. That is amazing. Oh, lovely material. So I put the milk in, and I said,

I'm guessing you're a man who likes a strong tea, so I just put a bit in. He said, no, I you're a man who likes a strong tea. So I just put a bit in. He said, no, I'd like a bit more than that. So I put it in. He went, that's enough. Really? Okay. I mean, you can tell he's a man who's used to.

That reminds you of your dating life. Oh, yeah, exactly. Although I don't, this is wrong of me. It's not, I mean, you know, he's a senior statesman and all that, but Australian Parliament, you imagine, it's not quite... It's a bit of a doddle, do you think? I imagine them in a room sitting around talking, you know what I mean?

And some of them probably got shorts on. Uh-huh. But I imagine that the Australian Parliament room has got basketball markings on the floor. And it's used for other stuff. There's a pile of chairs in there. Yeah. I could be wrong.

It's a bit like the absolute meeting rooms, I imagine. Yes. And then I had this thing. I'd like to know now. This has thrown me the next day I was out and about with my family and I was desperate to know

how the cricket was going and I thought what I'll do is I'll find one of those because we were in central London, I'll find one of those because we were in central London. I'll find one of those television shops

with all the tellies in the window. Like 1973. Yeah, they completely sneaked by. I was walking them down and Kat says, I said, I'm looking for one of those telly shops where they're all in the window. She said, what are you talking about?

When did they go Well anyway that's the question I'd like to know answered Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio I tell you what You know I'm a great fan of singing

But I like to sing Yeah you love a sing song Oh I just like to sing. Yeah, you love a sing song. I just like to sing. I'm not saying I'm any good. By the way, we haven't heard if those telly shops still exist, have we? No, and nor have we got a name for what we can call... Ching-a-chook.

Ching-a-chook, yeah. I think that's why they've been phased out is because it's less of a treat now, watching television. it's less of a treat now, watching television. It's less of an unusual event. I mean, you just have to have access to a computer, really, Frank, these days.

You can't all gather round to watch the moon landing. I think they're too big. Tellies, no. You can't get enough in the window for it to be. There's not enough window anymore. It's not like the old golden years of Rumbolo. If you see a telly in the window, now you're on it. Invariably.

Well, you normally are. No, but I mean... Well, I didn't... Oh, cool! See what I... Never off it. Yeah. That first time when I sang Bross's When Will I Be Famous

and I thought, oh, can't sing that anymore. Oh, I hate... There's times when you just hate yourself. Well, I feel self-deprecating material. Yeah, I know I feel like I can taste metal in my mouth having said that. Like I've sucked a sword. You ever sucked a sword?

I don't do it deliberately. Just move on. I was being threatened in a Birmingham alleyway. Anyway. I thought I'd have a taste. Anyway, look, I, so I like to sing. You're like Simon Cowell. Anyway, look.

Well, look, I like to sing about the place, but just lately, and I think this might be an age thing, my sort of, I sing, I've started catching myself singing in the street and in shops. Oh, yeah? Oh! Real songs? Songs that you like changing the words? Songs that I don't even care for.

Songs that I... Songs where I think, does that exist, that song, or have I made it up? The other day, I'd been obsessively singing... I'll be wrapped around your finger. Which I think is police, is it? Yeah. I hate police. One of your worst bands.

Yeah. I hate them. I know. I mean, the band. I don't want that taken out of context. No. I'd love to be seen. If I get pulled over.

Round of applause for the police, ladies and gentlemen. Yes. Yeah. Especially after all the good work they did with your passenger car window the other day. Well, no-one did anything. When I saw it was open, I thought, oh, the smell of urine in this car will be unbearable on the way home. But no, it was fine.

And I had quite a lot of CDs on the passenger seat, on touch. What does that tell you? They're not valuable any more. People don't like Buddy Holly anymore. What else did you have? CDs? CB radio? I had two CD box sets of W.H. Auden reading his own poetry. Can you believe people walked past that and weren't tempted? Just about.

I returned to my car the other day and I too had left CDs on the seat, which I do every now and again. But I don't think people are going to steal them. Whereas I was genuinely, I felt a bit lucky that I walked back to the car and there was two CDs on the passenger seat and two of those little naked bars. And I thought, oh, I'm glad no one broke the window for those. Yes. Not worried at all about the CDs. No.

My first naked bar the other day, I was very impressed by the ingredients. Yeah. Oh, were you? I love a naked bar. Basic. Very basic. How dare you? Very, very basic. We haven't been sponsored, by the way. This has happened organically. No, don't send me any or I'll just grind them into the carpet with my heel. But even so...

Yeah, but yeah, so it is a song, isn't it, wrapped around your finger? But I don't know any more of it. It's joined the long catalogue of songs I only know one line from that I sing. Another one, for years I have sung

Frosty the Snow... I usually do it as Bing Crosby. So I'll go, Frosty the Snowman. usually do it as Bing Crosby So I go Frosty the Snowman I've never found out I know all these songs I liked him till he started drugging them women Hank It's not Bing Crosby

What are you talking about Music on Sorry I got I thought it was Crosby. What are you doing? Are they saying Crosby? Are the music on? OK.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. One of my jobs here on this show is to choose which emails I think are appropriate to read to you. Emails and texts. And I'm not going to lie, Emily and I, we do filter out the occasional negative. The occasional? I imagine there's a torrent. Occasional, you say?

Don't imagine a torrent. No, there's not a torrent. Britain's got torrent. There's an occasional negative. 95% of it is positive, but of course all you'll think about now is that other five. Well, exactly. Because, you know, anyway. Anyway, 390 was 10, for sure. all you'll think about now is that other 5. Well, exactly. Because, you know, anyway.

Anyway, 390 has texted the show. I'm tense. My stomach's a bit knocked in on that. I can imagine. 390 has texted the show saying, loving the Peter Kay teleshop material! Which I worried about, because I don't think... Oh, is that a suggestion that I'm nicking Peter Kay's material? Is that a suggestion that you said, I'm having that?

Or maybe what I... When I read it, I'm having that. Or maybe what... When I read it, I thought, or maybe they're saying we're doing... Hey, do you remember when? And so they're saying that's like... It sounds to me like Peter Kay once mentioned a television shop. I'm familiar with the material, I think. And 390 is accusing me of stealing Peter Kay's material.

I should think 390... If you think I'm the sort of comic that steals other comics' material... Oh, sorry, I'm just going to go... I think maybe you should be listening to a different show. Oh, you tell him. You tell him. Oh, dear. The very idea of it.

I feel like I can broker a deal here. I think, like, 390 might be saying he's... I mean, he is saying he's loving it. 390 has stolen that 390 from the year the war started. He's saying he's loving it. He's not that 3-9 from the year the war started. He's saying he's loving it. He's not saying... Imagine a Franken-3-9-0 in a relationship. He's accusing me of stealing Peter Kaye's material. I don't think he is.

I think he might be accusing you of stealing his essence. Anyone would think you had buttons to push. You do. Get on with it. I mean, he does say he's loving it. At least he didn't text in saying I preferred it when Peter did it. Whose side are you on now? I'm playing devil's advocate.

You know what Jesus said? You're either with me or he who is not with me is against At least he didn't text him saying, I preferred it when Peter did it. Whose side are you on now? I'm playing devil's advocate. You know what Jesus said? You're either with me or he was not with me. He's against me. I didn't know that that's what Jesus was saying. Can I just say? No, you wouldn't. Is that one of his more famous ones? It's not one of his more famous ones,

but it's one that I find most applicable to my life. I'm familiar, I think. I think Peter Kay did material. Oh, Peter Kay,'m familiar, I think. I think Peter Kay did material. Oh, Peter Kay and his Peter Kay. All I'm saying is it was about people walking past and seeing themselves on a telly and waving. Oh, I used to love that. Which is slightly...

I like garlic bread better. Oh, right. Oh, come on. No, I do actually like garlic bread. No, I do too. No, I don't mean the material. I mean, I really like garlic. I would say it's one of the nicest things you can eat.

Not when you've got company. I haven't had that kind of company since the 90s. I could eat dog mess, it wouldn't make any difference. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I want to talk about my world, really. OK. When I say my world, I mean the fashion world. Yes, you actually... I like the way you did your hair as you said that.

I did. I did. I fluffed it up. I love the fashion world, as you know. Yes. You just used to like watching model TV a lot in the 90s. It's called fashion TV. Oh, sorry, it's fashion TV. Oh, that was another thing you watched. Yes, I went, I must admit, I went there for the wrong reasons,

but then after a bit I became fascinated by haute couture. Did you? Yeah. Well, the actual catwalk, walking down, spinning and all that stuff you got into. No, I'm on about the clothing. Yeah. Yeah. The avant-garde clothing.

Oh, okay. Fair enough. I watched a documentary about some of the women who stitch it. Did you? Can you believe that? Anyway, carry on. Well, I'd like to talk about Cara Delevingne. She's one of ours. Oh.

Did you see her? She had a bit of a mare this week. Imagine the week that you presented the Brits, Frank, and time was that by about ten. No. No. Honestly. No. That's Honestly? No.

That's how bad it was. She doesn't even... I entered a world of pain. Well, she's in a... She's probably already forgotten that interview. Well, she's in... We should say what happened. Oh, yes.

She's in a film called Paper Towns, I believe. Yes, she's an actress as well, it turns out. Yeah. Cara Delevingne. So she was on an American... Neither am I. Breakfast show. Yeah, it's Good Morning Sacramento. So she was on an American breakfast show. It's Good Morning Sacramento.

Is it really? No, I was just saying good morning to our readers in Sacramento. You might as well do them individually. But they felt, there was three of them interviewing her, the anchors. Yes, I wasn't going to say that, but you're right.

That she was a bit sniffy and a bit dis, a bit uninterested. Yeah. They said, she went, you seem a bit irritated. Is it just us? And they called her Carla. I think that's where it all went wrong. Well, I just thought generally they generally there was like three of them. They were ganging up on her?

It's here when it started. My dad used to tell me, be careful with that canary, because if it gets out and goes into the garden, the sparrows will tear it apart because it's beautiful and exotic and they're ordinary and brown and they'll hate it. So they'll kill it, they'll peck its eyes out and all you'll find is the beak. Right.

That's what he told me. And then what did he say? Night, son. No, before he said goodnight, he used to warn me that if I played up in the night, Martin Luther would come and get me. Anyway. We had Lou Reed as our bogeyman.

Really? Yes. I'd be very happy if Lou Reed had turned up in his well in fairness he did sometime yeah so I think she was the canary and they were the sparrows yes she's too beautiful well I think also you've got to cut attractive people a bit of slack you know because they

don't have the motivation that we have to be witty and interesting what do you mean we well I find bit of slack, you know, because they don't have the motivation that we have to be witty and interesting. What do you mean, we? What do you mean, we? Oh, you don't know. It's in your demo. Oh. Well, I find I'm just, you know, I mean, you can be so ugly.

I'll ask you a question. You're so ugly, you think there isn't enough wit in the world to carry this off. You just give up. But I'm in a sort of a, I think, I'm just above the relegation zone where you think if I can, you know, if I can polish my conversation, I might be able to get into, you know, Europa League is what I'm thinking. You want to describe yourself as a three to me. We're talking out of ten here. Frank once said that to me.

He said, I'm a three. Physically. Yes. But obviously inside. But your wit makes you a ten. God bless you for that. Can we use that as the trailer? Yeah.

Not hearing from 390 now, are we? You tell him. No. We'll probably find that Peter Carey described himself as a three. On Lorraine in 1998. I don't think you are a three, Frank. I think you're at least a five. I'm not comfortable with this. Okay. Yes. I don't care you are a three, Frank. I think you're at least a five. I'm not comfortable with this.

OK. Yes. I don't care, really, about... I know. I know you don't. I'll give you a bit more than that. But she's... I mean, she's very beautiful, Cara.

She is. Yes, she is. She's a ten. I like the... It was a fashion when I was a kid that when we were allowed... You can't do too much to a council house, but you could put up a thing over the...

a little temporary porch over the front door. And there used to be a thing with the very dark, thick tarpaulin on to stop the rain coming through. Her face reminds me of that with the eyebrows. Does it? She has great brows. The council houses are the people who cared in our row. That's what she reminds me of. I'm sure she'll be flattered to hear that.

Cara Delevingne, I call her. Cara. If she became someone's Cara. I love that Peter Kaye show. Cara. Cara Delevingne. No, um... They shouldn't have called her Carla.

As soon as they cut to her, we go over to Carla. If someone gets my name wrong, I've had Beverly, I've had Emma, I've had all sorts. You've had Beverly? Yeah, I had Beverly once. Hi, Beverly. That's quite a poor shot. They've missed the board, those people. That's really bad handwriting.

If someone's reading Emily as Beverly. If someone gets my name wrong, they're dead to me. So, music. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I thought Cara was a bit, a little bit solemn,

but I thought they completely overreacted and just got unpleasant. They told her to go and have a nap and have a Red Bull. Yeah. Two completely contradictory activities. Yes, you're so right. I think there is some argument for the caffeine nap. You know, where you have some... Do you know so much about health?

Do you read men's health magazines? I did used to. My wife subscribed to it for me. Never read a magazine that isn't produced by Bell Magazines ever again. Oh, I'll have to check that. I'll have to check. In fact, I don't think the subscription still exists. Unless it's my one.

But I think a caffeine nap, I think you have the caffeine and then the nap and you wake up and you're really, like, awake because the caffeine has then kicked in while you were asleep. I don't know how you do that. I don't. I think you have to go to sleep, like, 15 minutes. I don't think it'll ever really be an issue for you, to be honest. But for Cara Delevingne, it might.

No. You're not a Red Bull drinker. Although she doesn't strike me as a person that is going on Good Morning Sacramento for life advice. What about? She seems to be winning the race compared to those guys, the anchors.

Yes. One guy said to her, during the interview, he said to her, what I like about this movie is it's about teenagers, but unlike myself, who was very sullen and had nothing to say as a teenager, they're very articulate. They talk as if they were middle-aged screenwriters.

And that was his point. Yes, he was being a bit... So when she'd gone off, they said, you've seen the film, Andy, what do you think? And he said, well, what I liked about it was, unlike myself, when I was a teenager and I was very unarticulate, these kids are really...

And said exactly the same point again 30 seconds later. Oh, dear. Now, it might happen on this show, but it shouldn't happen on Good Morning Sacramento. So I felt a bit sorry for Cara. We've all done difficult interviews. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. When the link went, though, I like that. She almost... I think she must have stormed off. Do you think? She said, too far, which I enjoyed. And then it all went a bit doo and a bit fuzzy. And they went, oh, well, OK, I think that's over. But they'd goaded her.

They had goaded her. I don't like goading. No. No, I don't. I don't mind William goading. I like Lord of the Flies. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? But there's a lot of goading't mind William goading. I like Lord of the Flies. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? But there's a lot of goading in that.

It was a bit like Lord of the Flies. It was. Instead of picking on the fat one with the glasses, they went for the beautiful one. I suppose that's progress. In a way. I didn't think she had a mare, though. I thought she was just asked stupid questions by some stupid people, and I thought she was being quite a good laugh, actually. Well, no, she had a mare with. I thought she was just asked stupid questions by some stupid people and I thought she was being quite a good laugh actually. Well no she had a mare with the

subsequent you know furore there was. Well she was a bit. Yes she ended up having to say on Twitter she said I guess people just don't understand the British sense of humour did she say. I hear you on that Cara. Yeah. She shouldn't have done that stuff about putting the big light on.

That didn't. That was never going to work. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I've done some pretty terrible interviews as an interviewer and an interviewee. What's your worst one? Well, my worst one was in the job centre in 1983. Yeah. Where they've damn near, I damn near admitted I wasn't

actively looking for work. Why did you do that? Never lose your temper in a Jobcentre interview. They hold all the cards. Well you've got your P45 or whatever but no. And they said there was a job. I said I can't do job. I'm not going to do that job.

I mean. That's what you said to be fair. And then I said, look, this whole concept of actively looking for work, and then I heard myself saying it, I felt a terrible tremor. I said, I think it's an excellent idea. I should push it more, because people

push it more, I said. No, so of all the interviews I've done as a celebrity, nothing has compared to the difficulty of those. I mean, I wasn't looking for work. Of course not. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute The Queen likes Yahtzee, I think

I heard someone saying that. I think I heard that. That's a very bad line. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via

the Absolute Radio website. So a little look of delight on your face then, just after your Queen likes Yahtzee thing. Queen likes Yahtzee. Duke of Edinburgh likes I can't think of anything to rhyme Look at them swing again

Younger than spring again Sing like Dean Martin You don't really need words You just go Anyway Are we still talking about Cara Delevingne We're still talking about Cara Delevingne? Oh, yeah, we are. We're still talking about Cara Delevingne till the cows come home.

Have you met her, Emily? I haven't. She's in your line of work. No, I'm sure we've been in the same... I mean, I can't... ...venues at the same time. She wouldn't be my first choice for a two-man mission to Mars. No.

I don't know if we'd get on, but she's... I'm not sure that's the application she's filling out. Oh, she's a cutie. She's not at the... She's a cutie. She's not at the Smethwick Job Centre now. No. I don't know if it was Smethwick, but I'm assuming. I liked her in it. From what I could read of her answering,

it seemed like it was funny to me. Like, it seemed like she was being quite a good lad. Men. No, no. Yeah, exactly. No, because she was asked, did you, like, did you read the book? And she said, no, I didn't even read the script.

I just went in and winged it. And you went out. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And if that had been Shirley Crabtree saying that, you wouldn't have laughed like that. Shirley Crabtree. Definitely would. I'd have laughed more.

Shirley Crabtree. Yes. Am I right in saying that that was the real name of Big Daddy? Yes, it was. It's an interesting substitute. Actually, car is stuck in a car. Can we get Big Daddy? No longer with us.

No. It's true. Those we have loved. Yes. Good morning, Grapple fans. So what are some other bad interviews, Frank? What about that woman from The Guardian? I sat down and she said, right, why do you

hate women? Wow. Well, I mean, you want a bit of notice. Did you give her my number? Yeah, yeah. You know, I wanted a chance to prepare some illustrative anecdotes. It would have been great even if without notice you'd just got out a massive A4 folder and said, let me begin. It's the kind of

question when you do, there is part of you that thinks, shall I just humour this and say, well, see, it's difficult, isn't it? I mean, they are temperamentally, I'd agree with you, and just gone for it. Did you say, why can't a woman be more like a man? Yes. What if I'd have just sung that? Yes. Oh, why can't a woman be more like a man? Yes.

Oh, why can't a woman do the lullaby more like a man? What about when I was just about, I was standing in the wings with Ringo Starr. Yes. Just about to interview him and he said... This is a good story already, isn't it? You're not going to go on about the Beatles, are you? I didn't. I was going to mention the Beatles, yes.

Yeah. That's difficult. The last minute as well the rate, yes. Yeah. That's difficult. What about when... Last minute as well. Yeah, exactly. Simon from Blue, I interviewed. He said, if I don't see a ring, give me your digits. Wow.

I mean, please. I had to go home and Google it. I didn't know what it meant. I don't see a ring, give me your digits. Is that his version? If you like it, you should have put a ring on it. No, he was... Daisy, what was it?

He was asking for my telephone number. Oh, numbers. I thought he actually wanted your fingers. Yeah, that's what I thought. I've got an envelope, and I like to keep the fingers of the interviewers. Yeah, just the one finger of each interviewer. What if you had a fabulous scrapbook?

That would be brilliant. Like a pop-up. That one's a bit gnarled, Michael Parkinson. Yeah, wow. I've interviewed him, actually. He didn't ask for my digit. No. Might have had very long nails at the time from ukulele play.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran Together, The Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio I was in a well-known bookstore the other day Do they call them bookstores in England? Bookshop Bookshop. Bookshop. And I was with my family, including my girlfriend's sister, who was buying my son... I like the way you keep saying, with my family, like a Tory MP.

Yes, exactly. And she has agreed to stand by me. Yes. After my orange bra incident. What a bra. So, they were, in the shop, the counter is sort of circular

so the woman was serving my sister-in-law with my son standing next because she was buying him a book. Yes. So I was standing the other side and gazing lovingly at my son standing next to me because she was buying him a book. Yes. So I was standing the other side and gazing lovingly at my son

who was looking very excited about getting his book and I could see him, you know, across the counter. Anyway, I looked up and a woman was looking at me with more disdain and disgust than I've seen in a woman's face for easily a fortnight. And I don't have to leave the house to get looked at like that. And she was absent, and I thought, what? Why is she looking? I mean, really, she didn't look away when I looked at her.

She was really giving me the daggers. And I realised that from the angle I was looking, she thought I was looking at the female bookshop assistant's bottom. Yeah. But I was looking at my child's face. Yeah. I mean, the sense of injustice I felt. And this is why we can never go back to capital punishment in this country.

There's too many mistakes. Yeah. Two people jumped to the conclusion. I mean, if we do go back to it, I don't think we can have it for minor misdemeanours like that. Not for staring at the ladies' bottoms. But I know it's

a sensitive subject, the staring at ladies' bottoms topic. Is it? I like this subject and I cannot lie. FYI, I don't have one with it at all. Look away. Well, but I think even if I had been doing it in a bookshop, it's sort of all right because one acknowledges

that a woman who works in a bookshop has got something, you know, obviously got quite an interior life. Yes. That they're into books and often they wear spectacles, for example. Yeah. And wear their hair up. You know what I mean? They don't care. And so one could look at a woman like that,

and you'd feel that you're looking at the whole package. You know what I mean? You're admiring their lifestyle. Rather than just being a disgusting creep. Yes, you just said, this woman has gone from look away to disgusting creep in 30 seconds. Anyway, I was, and I was looking at my child's, and he was excited about books.

I had so much on my side morally in this. Yeah, you were looking at your child's. You didn't have time to be ogling staff, did you? You were too busy doing the right things. Ogling staff? Certainly not. Ogling staff does sound like it could be a small village in Leicestershire. Yeah, you were too busy doing the right things. No, Oglinstaff. Certainly not. Oglinstaff does sound like it could be a small village in Leicestershire.

Where referees come from. Yeah. No, I really felt hard done to. Do you think I... There was for a second I thought, I'm going to go across to this woman and say, actually... Oh, I'm so relieved you didn't. But what I did do is I went round and started talking to my son very lovingly a lot,

just to see if she picked up on it. Yes, sort of showboating. But she probably thought, oh, now you've finished looking at that woman's bottom. Yeah. You turn to your duties as a father. Exactly. That's what she was thinking. She was thinking, the player's going to play.

But, you know, if men didn't look at women's bottoms, there wouldn't be any children. That's a lovely sentiment. Discuss, right on that side of the paper. Yes, well it's true, I was looking a lot further along the reproductive cycle than she thought I was. I hope we got out of this, didn't we? It's hot, has it got hotter?

I feel like it's got hotter. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I bring you sad news, boys and girls. Oh, God. I bring you sad news. Not after we called her a Nazi. No, she loves your Nazi.

OK. Tesco's have announced that they'll be phasing out unexpected item in the bagging area. No, excuse me, can I do that how it is actually mentioned? Unexpected item in bagging area. Very good. Can I do that gig? Very good. Except it's no longer required.

Shut up. Your services are no longer required. Oh, I thought Daisy was going to tell me that. I wouldn't do it. Lord Sugar should have a button that does that on Apprentice. Yeah, they're going to get rid of it in the self-service Tesco's thing. Can I ask you a question? Yes, please do.

You're a dog owner. Oh, I'm so glad you said that. You, um, did you ever, when we had a dog, we had a Staffordshire Bull Terrier for many years, and occasionally he wouldn't have absolutely, he wouldn't have perfectly completed his... Ablutions. Well, ablutions isn't the word I'm after.

He's pooing. Oh, OK. He's messing. And if I had the dog now, and occasionally you'd look at his bottom and think, oh, okay. It's missing. And if I had the dog now, and occasionally you'd look at his bottom and think, oh, no. And whereas sometimes dogs are written and thought, oh, yes. Right. Lovely.

Clean as a whistle. A dog whistle. But in those bad times, if I had a dog now, I'm sure I would have said unexpected item in the wagging area. Oh, yes. I'm sure. And now that's gone, that opportunity.

By the time I get a dog, that will be defunct. That anecdote wasn't doing much for your I don't look at people's bottoms defence. No, but I was. You're even doing it with dogs. That's how desperate you are. If I'd have been looking to help her with her personal hygiene, that would have been...

If I'd have said that to the woman, I was actually just checking for... Tangled. Yeah, she was clean. Yeah. That's exactly why I say I bring you sad news, because there'll be certain comics and also like just people in society that use unexpected item in the bag as a thing that they can lean on

for shorthand comedy. A lot of comics. There's gonna be people rewriting their act in the next six months. They've probably got six months before they have to fully drop it, I reckon. They'll have to come up with something about tellies in shops.

I used to have a bit of material about how sat-navs fell off the windscreen. You know when you stick the sat-nav to the car and it doesn't properly stick? And I used to do stuff about the absurdity that we'd got people to space to put satellites up there to tell us where to go but we still can't stick it to the window.

That's great stuff. Great stuff. Stick with it. It was good stuff but let me tell you this. They've fixed the suction things so now they just stay on. Oh.

Brutal, isn't it? See, for several years I persisted with doing material about the fact that pensioners always go on about the war and then I realised pensioners, they sort of talk about Slade. Yeah. No one remembers the war. They're all true. They've all gone, those. Most of them are gone.

Does anyone listening remember the war? Respect. Yeah. Respect! I say, respect! I like the fact as well that they said they're going to swap it now and it's going to be a male voice because they want it to be less talkative

did they say that? it's so rude if I had my way, I'll give them talkative I think there should be a woman imagine if they did that for men and it's a woman and as you'll get in your chain she doesn't just say unexpected item in bagging area so anyway so anyway so i called him on the monday and then he never

back to me and i think he's scared of his emotions i think he's actually really into me i think emily's accidentally let slip what women say to me they all say that well girls say it to each other they say oh he hasn't called me what do you think scared of you he's just scared of how he feels about you oh that's what girls say to other girls. That is a positive spin. And that's why you need male friends to tell you the truth and say, sorry. He's just not bothered. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Or stuff like, oh, he's probably not cold because it's a Champions League week or something. Yeah. That kind of stuff. Would it be legal? Yeah. Oh, this sounds like a good question. I already like where this question's going. If the PR department at Lidl brought in a slogan that said, every Lidl helps, would they be allowed to use that?

Yeah, why not? Oh. Every Lidl helps. So every time you watch Tesco and it said, every Lidl helps, you think, oh, that reminds me of Lidl. Right. Lidl uses, maybe I reminds me, Lidl. Right. Lidl uses. Maybe I'll go to Lidl tomorrow

and Tesco would accidentally be advertising Lidl. Are there, if there are any... Copywriters listening. I don't think it's copywriters. Surely it's advertising law. Surely that's what we need. Well, you wouldn't be saying it. You'd just be, you'd be nearly saying it.

I'd build a career on that. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. From now on, with this in this, because they're changing unexpected item in bagging area, instead, the man is going to say, please don't forget your change, especially notes. I think that'd be a nice gig for you.

I like especially notes. Yeah, yeah. Actually, shall I do that? Please don't forget your change, especially notes. No, it's too casual. Also notes. I think that's casual. Yeah, I think. What? Notes.

Can you try the next one? Notes. Let's see if you can do the next one. That's how I say it. Is that not how you say it it It just sounded a bit like you were talking to someone in the pub Noughts Noughts and crosses it sounds like Please check your packing area Please check your packing area

I did it on purpose You've got to do that with a bit of a Please check your Packing area You know what I'm talking about. You've got to do a bit of that. That's what they're after now in the supermarket. I wish they'd just go, healthy, healthy, not healthy.

Not healthy, whatever you put on the thing. And then people hear it shouting. Yeah, because, you know, when you look at... I don't mean about the people, I mean about the items you put on there. Because it's so... If you think, I'm going to eat healthy now, you just can't find your way around a label. It's deliberately deceptive. Just real food. Eat real food.

There is no real food. That grew on a tree or in the ground. There we go, all done. Dinosaur man over here. Just eat real food. That's what it should do. It's going to move into a commune soon. I don't know. Dinosaur stuff over here. Just eat real food. That's what it should do. It's going to move into a commune soon. I don't know. Dinosaur stuff you're getting into. When you put through, like, quavers or Pringles or, you know, that sort of stuff,

it should just go, not real, not real, and then a banana. Oh, not really. And it goes... Not really, it should go. Put your quavers through. Not really. Or maybe, really? Yeah, the trouble is, why is it that clovers taste nicer than a cucumber?

Yeah, well, that's true. That's the texting. I'm not going to dispute that. That's probably a better texting. I think sometimes the announcements get a bit over the top, though. I was at a pound shop, honestly, and they... What gig was it? No, it was a small stage.

I can't remember what I was getting. Maybe a pencil or something. In fact, one of the first conversations I ever had with you, you boasted about how you'd bought 20 pencils for £1. Yes, I'm still... That's why I took up drawing. Such a high roller. So I can use them up before I die.

And they had this automated announcement, so it was happening every 30 seconds or something and they were saying, if you can see a spillage, if you see a spillage, please alert one of our friendly and helpful staff. If you see a spillage,

please alert one of our friendly and helpful staff. Again and again. And I mean, I could find a spillage, but I could not find a friendly and helpful staff member. But that's what you think you'll say to someone, excuse us, a spillage, and they'll say, oh, no, no, I'm not one of the friendly and helpful. It's just an automated disclaimer.

I'm one of the difficult and obstreperous ones. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But does this qualify as a... I once went raspberry picking in Inverness on a thing called Lentron Fruit Farm. Right. And we... The raspberries grow in big, long rows,

and you have to walk along with it like a... You know those things where people sell ice cream at the cinema? It's like... Oh, yeah. It's around their neck in a tray. So you'd have a tray like that, and you'd have 12 punnets in it, and you'd go...

And there was a man called Raspberry Ron who used to walk up and down with a megaphone going No green ones please. Top up those ponnets. Don't squash

them. No green ones please. Top up those ponnets. And he just, please. Top up those pots. And he just did that. That was his job. All good rules, though. I don't mean to live by them. I mean, if you're a raspberry picker.

Well, there were good rules, but, you know, surely they would have been better to have taped that. That's a good point. He just did that all day, Raspberry Ron. Oh, I like Raspberry Ron. That's no lie, is it? See, that's a job you can do. It isn't, though.

I wonder what he's doing now. Let me guess. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Our readers, Frank, have been texting in some of their own favourite personal automated announcements. Oh, yeah. texting in some of their own favourite personal automated announcements. Oh, yeah. Can I just say, my personal favourite is when you're on the phone and you suddenly hear a very RADA-type man saying,

the other person has cleared. Oh, right. What's that? A conference call. I don't think I've ever had that. Is that what it... No, it just sometimes happens. I think... I remember when I did the... In the Montreal Olympics, I was doing the high jump.

Oh, yes. I remember getting that message. But that's about it. We've also had some news just in about Raspberry Ron from Rosalind Palmer. Oh, yeah. She says, OMG, Frank, I suffered three days of Raspberry Ron, lent from Scotland, circa 1982. His patter, only the red ones, no stalks, no green ones. Oh, yes.

There you go. I think it was Harry Hill who said, More than the John Hill of the happening. That is amazing. Yeah. Andrew Martin Frank says, re-announcements, this train will terminate here, which always sounds far more dramatic than it turns out to be.

Yes, means it's not going any further. There is some sort of comedy announcement on some of the Virgin trains where they go, oh, don't flush anything down the toilet, you know, like nappies. Oh, I've heard that. Dreams, loved ones, you know. And, you know, the first time I heard it, I thought, oh, yeah, it's good they've heard that. Dreams, loved ones, you know. And, you know, the first time I heard it, I thought,

oh, yeah, it's good they've done that. And now I travel on those trains so much, I go into the bathroom and I just think, shut up with your stupid joke. Yeah, that's the trouble with jokes. It is, it is. We've had an email. It's one of the problems.

It is one of the problems. We've had an email entitled... And I speak as a man who's living La Vida Joko. That'll be a good new book for you. Alternative Showering Strategy is the title of this email. Oh, yes. Going back to something you've said on this show. My dry showering.

Dear Frank M&L, long-time reader, first-time writer, etc., no praise, etc., etc., in the kins. This sounds like Yul brenner in the king and i i am writing regarding a subject that frank raised a few weeks hence regarding his new inverted commas showering routine a few weeks hence oh yeah it's is it from nostradamus it is yeah it's a fast forward email okay i think a few weeks ago is that the way yes ago ago ago would do and wondered what his thoughts were on a shower strategy that i myself have recently adopted um that of the cold shower this came about after i heard a fitness expert on the radio talking about the subject

and after listening to his explanation i did a bit of research to verify his comments in terms of the actual process it isn't quite as unpleasant as it sounds. You shower normally with lukewarm as opposed to hot water to carry out the usual soaping and cleaning duties. Once that's done, you turn the water to cold and stay under for as long as you can. I reckon about a minute is doable. And the supposed health benefits, according to Medical Daily,

these can include increased alertness, refined hair and skin, improved immunity and circulation, weight loss, exclamation mark, they've put in inverted commas here, stress relief and relief from depression. I'm not completely convinced of the validity of all these claims, but I'm wondering if Frank and team would

join me in trying the cold water showers, albeit not in a literal sense, of course. Yeah, they'd need a wet room, wouldn't they? If only to see whether he makes the same... Are you still going on? It's nearly done. If only to see whether he makes the same shrieking noises that I myself cannot complete the shower without making.

Yours, Lee from Cheltenham. At my age, it's not worth the risk, is it? I think I'd be found on the floor under a cold shower oh really what the old uh i think i think the half the half i have i have occasionally accidentally you know i had a burst of cold shower it's it's a nightmare really it's a nightmare i wouldn't even be prepared to try it and what it does does to you. What about when I briefly did that? You're underneath. I mean, honestly.

My point in a nutshell. Oh, I knew you were leading up to something filthy. No, but it's awful. Well, when I did that six weeks to low-MG diet, do you remember? Oh, yes. And it involved drinking black coffee, blowing into a balloon,

and having cold baths. Ooh, cold baths, that is coffee, blowing into a balloon and having cold baths. Ooh, cold baths, that is. Blowing into a balloon. Yes. Excellent. Yeah. I, when I did the Charles Attlers course… He genuinely did, you know.

I did. I, I used to, I had to keep two wet flannels in the fridge. I mean, I used to get up in the morning, I had to put one on my, um, my, um, underneaths… Oh, did you? …and one on the small of my back every morning. That was part of the course? Yeah, that was, yes. Of course, because my parents were having breakfast at the time.

But I honestly used to do that every morning. And you do sort of go, Oh! Yeah, I can imagine. And then you go, Oh! When the second one goes off. But it's worked out.

I don't know if that's good for you. It's worked out for you. Now you're so hedged. It's worked out brilliantly, I must say. The small in my back, it's the best I've ever seen. What am I talking about? But what am I talking about? Can you text him?

No green ones, please. Yeah. No stalks. That's the trouble with a cold bat. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So, we haven't really talked on the show about how I've spent the last few weeks, if not months, driving around the country to Edinburgh previews.

Edinburgh previews. Yes. As you well know, when one is going up to the Edinburgh Festival, you drive and do shows in little art centres or comedy clubs. Unfortunately, you have to try it out before. It would be lovely if you could just turn up. Would be great, but no. How many places do you try it out on average?

I don't do so many as other comics. Some of them really try it out try out loads and loads and loads, but I prefer a nervous energy of not being certain that it's going to work. That's what I like. And can I ask you a question? Has the sat-nav fallen off the window at all? If something doesn't go well and a joke doesn't get a laugh, do you always 100% take it out, or do you think,

no, damn it, I'm going to keep that in? Yeah, I go for B I think well the reality is I probably know more about comedy than these people so I will just keep doing it until an audience likes it

excellent Frank do you concur well I'm sure I do but I still I feel that they are my overlords. Oh. So, no, I do tend to... I get to go in so badly, I can't let them be my overlords.

If there's a gag I really love, I will stick with it for a bit. I know. I saw the last talk. Yeah, but even then, I usually give up in the end. They're pretty consistent editors, I would say, the audience. But it can be difficult, because you're doing the gig on the night, but you've also got the future in mind, which is... That's brutal, I find.

You need to read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. The Power of Now, do I? In which case, the future would mean nothing to you. Yeah, but like, there was a sadness. I did a preview where a moth kept flying at me towards the stage. You know when they get in the stage lights? And I was really funny

about the moth. But even as I was being really funny about the moth, there was a sadness where I thought, I can't guarantee the moth is going to come to my show at 6.30 in Edinburgh for a whole month. You say that, but you could take a moth. I'm not prepared to take a moth. For a start, I think there would be paperwork immediately, wouldn't there?

I'd need some kind of disclaimer. What, to get it across the border? No, no. Like, if you use an animal in a show, you've got to sign a form saying, I'm not being mean to the moth. Like, you'd have to say, yeah, I'll feed the moth, I'll give it... No, I think you'd be all right with that.

I'll give it a bit of my green jumper. It's not like you're an exotic dancer with a large viper. No. I think we're... Well, actually... No, I'm not. No, take a moth. Have you got a matchbox? I don't want to take a moth.

Okay. I just want to, you know. But I did a preview in Leeds ages ago and I stumbled on some local material because I'd been driving to Leeds and I saw a sign that was outdated that was advertising Al Pacino live in Leeds. Al Pacino. Wow. Which performed in Leeds like a month before I was there. And I was thinking, what was he doing? What was he performing? What does he do?

Exactly. Do you need to take my wife, please? But I then mooted to them all, it's going to be difficult for me to follow Al Pacino. I bet he travels with his own moth. How weird would that be? Good evening, Leeds. Hoo-wah.

And so I did a lot of that. I did a lot of, who got anybody in from Hunslet in the house? And then I started to run out of areas of Leeds after about 15 minutes. But I just kept doing it every now and again. Whenever there was a lull, I just leaned back on, hoo-wah! Isn't it great in the West riding? And just kept doing. If I was you, I'd have a look, see if you played Edinburgh on that tour. And get your, get your atlas out.

I imagine my sadness, recently, when I drove through some areas of Leeds, that I didn't know, and I thought, God, it's a real shame I didn't know, these bits.

Funny names as well. Could have done a whole hour, of Al Pacino live in Leeds. That's like, can we, if anyone knows about Al Pac of Al Pacino live in Leeds that's like can we if anyone knows about Al Pacino's live performance

in Leeds I'd like to hear about it get some angry American PR on the phone now yeah what do you think Al was doing

he wasn't declaring it I'd love to know I suppose he was doing a warm up for one of his films Skinner Dean and Cochran together the Frank Skinner show Still sounding good

This is Frank Skinner Still sounding I just can't believe he said still sounding good He's still sounding good I've got a bit of the old DJ about me Not that bit of the old DJ about me. Not that bit of the old DJ in case anyone's wondering. You can

I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning, don't you know. You can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Still sounding good, don't you know. We've got a don't you know as well.

It's like smashing a nice ear taken over. That number again, 8-12-15. We've had a text. I've been rinsing off with a cold shower or splashing with no shower since I was a little girl. It's extremely invigorating, closes the pores and tones your skin at the same time. I'm 65 now and still have firm skin and

virtually no cellulite. Maxine from Bracknell. But then she's added two question marks as if she's not sure where she's from. Yes. She's so healthy. She can't get a grip on anything. Maxine from Bracknell? You see, I like to keep my pores open because I'm one of these people, I'm always

looking for somewhere to put a pencil. Yes. Always reaching around. I don't like to keep my pores open, because I'm one of these people, I'm always looking for somewhere to put a pencil. Oh, yeah. Yes. Always reaching around. I don't like to doubt Maxine, but I can't believe that she still has firm skin at 65. I don't believe she's from Bratton. Alan, that's so rude.

I can't believe that... Well, let's get her in. Yeah, let's get her in. We've been wondering if we should bring back guests. Yeah, get her in. Maxine from Bratt we should bring back guests. Yeah, get her in. Maxine from Bracknell. One of those metal caliper things for measuring. It's like a sort of judge's houses.

I imagine there's a bit of give in her or she wouldn't be able to lie down. A bit of give? So what is this, 1974? I'm taking her. No, my point is I'm taking her away from it. She's championing the cold shower. And cold shower types, they're pretty healthy and they're durable. That's true.

OK. We've also had a text from 608. Hi, Frank. I always find the reverse warning voice on a bus or lorry very dramatic and it gets higher as it goes on. Warning, this vehicle is reversing. Very scary. I like it.

It's very sci-fi, that. I like it as well. I know you don't like the future. I don't like the future. I'm all about the past. I did a gig in Birmingham on Thursday. Oh yes. Your old stomping

ground if I'm not mistaken. Yeah well I didn't do much stomping. They're my favourites. The Birmingham's. I love a Birmingham you know I do. Yeah. How was it? Well I think I should have talked about Being in Birmingham a bit more I didn't do any No local material

I didn't do any local I didn't do any Al Pacino Al Pacino let you down If Al Pacino had been there I think the gig would have gone 40% better If I'd gone Anybody in from

Bearswood Or Bearwood Bearwood Well Al Pacino doesn't know that Does he? If you'd have said anyone in from Bearswood You'dwood. Bearwood. Well, Al Pacino doesn't know that, does he? If you'd have said anyone in from Bearswood, you'd have been tarred and feathered and chased out of town like a dog. I think you mean Al Pacino would, because I personally didn't.

I was being. Oh, I see. I was in character. Oh, yeah, maybe that would have gone out a bit that way. Al Pacino would, Bearswood. I'm sick of this. Yeah. Do you know Bearswood?

No, but thanks for the tip. Who are Smedic in the house? You know, that sort of thing. I feel like I'm with Beavis and Butthead. It's just... I used to love Beavis and Butthead. Can we get on with the show? I used to do some...

Obviously, quite a bit of local stuff in Birmingham. There used to be a chip shop in Bearwood, when I played at the Bear Tavern, that sold orange chips. Is there a Bear Tavern in Bearwood? Yes. Oh, original. And I

often used to talk about this phenomenon. I mean, proper orange, like, high-vis chips. And I never found out what it was about.es of orange. Hive-ears chips. And I never found out what it was about. Never seen them in any other chip shop. Someone will know. What's it? Please explain.

And the other thing I used to do, and I'd like to know if this is a national phenomenon, but I always used to... When I used to get the boss in Birmingham as a youth, there would often be a bloke, it was always a bloke, who didn't sit in the seats on the boss. He would stand at the front and talk to the driver. Oh, yeah.

Does this phenomenon happen? Yes. And when you got on, you had to squeeze past him a bit and he used to look at you in a sort of, yeah, I'm a... I know, the driver, you know. That's why I'm here. You go and sit in the normal seat. That still happens.

Very early version of I'm with the band. Do they work for London Transport? No, no. This was a personal mate of the driver. So they'd stand chatting away. And the way they looked at you when you come on, yeah, you guys, you know. You guys go and sit down. We're talking.

Oh, man, what happened to that bloke? You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. So I don't know about you boys,

but I might be off to Erinsborough for a little holiday time. No. That's one of the... You know when we talk about facts that everyone thinks are really interesting facts, but in fact everyone knows them? Yes. The example we always use is Big Mo being Gary Oldman's sister. Yes.

Erinsborough being an anagram of neighbours is one of those things that people... Oh, I didn't know that! You are kidding me. No! Oh, it's an IM! I'm going to put my hands up and say I tell people both of those facts

that you just used as examples. I didn't know that. Daisy, did you know that? Oh, my God, neither of us knew it. Well. Wow. Oh, I love it. Oh, good to our house.

Well. You know, Frank, you can now stay on the actual neighbour set. So there's an Airbnb there. Very modern. No, Airbnb is the website. Like, they're the people

that they go through. It's not like an inflatable bed and breakfast like a bouncy castle. I know what Airbnb is. I'm a sophisticated modern woman. Can I say I don't know? Do you know what Airbnb is. I'm a sophisticated modern woman. Can I say I don't know? Do you know what Airbnb is?

No. No idea? You've never even heard of it? No, but I did know that Erinsborough was an anagram. One of which is more useful in 2015. Well, I don't know. Tell me what it is and I'll tell you how useful it is to me. Sorry, Al, over to you. I don't think it will be that useful to you as a slum landlord.

I don't think you'll want to know about Airbnb. As the Nicholas Van Hoogstraten of the Triumvirate. I don't think you won't want Airbnb to exist I don't think. What is it? It's basically you can put up rooms in your own home for rent. So if you've got like

par example. Oh he's liking it now. If you've got a flat and you think oh I could probably get 60 quid a night for this spare room. Like you could just give the spare room a hoover, take a few pictures of it. Does this help with the bedroom tax thing? Could that get you around that? Oh yeah. Yeah of course it could. Okay.

Could top it up. What's it called again? Could top it up if you've lost your bedroom tax. Okay. Any mansion owners out there? Yeah. So it's called Airbnb, Frank. OK. Now, I've never heard of that before. This show is, if nothing else, educational.

Yes. So if you go to this Neighbours set, you get to go to all the legendary spots, like Harold's Store, the Waterhole. Is he still in it, Harold? And Leicester's. Oh, yeah. I'm not familiar. I think Harold

the character may have shuffled off. Well, he died and returned, didn't he? Who played him? That's the question. Who did play him? Daisy knows. She knows everything on telly. I know Delta Goodrum played Nina. Oh, yeah. I bet you do. Have you ever looked at Delta Goodrum played Nina. Oh, yeah.

I bet you do. Have you ever looked at Delta Goodrum's Wikipedia page? Have you? No. Oh, man, it's a very special... What are you doing looking at that? Oh, you know, she's an interesting person. She thinks she's a very, very, very interesting person. She has a section...

You know, you get the sections on Wikipedia, like personal life, career, all that. I like the voice of the Wikipedia author. Personal lives, career. I imagine you call up Wikipedia and say, I'm just looking up... Hello, Wikipedia. I'm just looking up...

Oh, Ben Oakry. Famish mode. Personal life. Published books. And anyway, who is Ben Oakry? He wrote The Famous Road Anyway so if you look She has a section philanthropy

She has a section philanthropy And she also What about this This is Delta Goodrum's Wikipedia There's a section There's a section called Legacy and Art History. No.

Go together in perfect heart. Yes. Have you got that on your Wikipedia? I've never looked at my Wikipedia in case it just says rubbish in my letters. What if she hasn't done that? What if somebody else has done that?

Legacy and Art History. Yeah, what if there's somebody going about... No, that's Delta. ...picking Delta up. Put money on that. Delta's been up all night altering that. The big news about this Neighbour set is you get shown around on a dinner with Carl Kennedy,

who plays Alan Fletcher. I don't know Alan Fletcher. Me neither. No, it's the other way round. Alan Fletcher plays Dr. Carl. Is Fletcher. Me neither. No, it's the other way around. Alan Fletcher plays Dr. Carl. Is that right? Yes. Dr. Carl Kennedy.

Don't mock me for not knowing him. He seems so nice. I don't know who he is. He's an Australian actor. I thought... I mean, I remember the minute from when I used to watch it. I imagine there'll be a basketball court marked on the floors of most of the homes. Yeah.

We should come back. we'll come back to this but we have certain commercial obligations. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Still sounding great. It is still sounding great though. See I was thinking

that but I was too intimidated by you two to say... Like this pair of bullies that you've got. Yeah, exactly. I feel like a bully now. I feel like Cara on... Congratulations. I'm like Cara on Good Morning Sacramento. Dave...

Too far. ...has tweeted us... Yes? ...to say, warning vehicle reversing, classic lorry banter. Oh. Nice. You know we don, classic lorry banter. Oh. You know we don't have price on the show. No. But that's, you know.

A lot of people pointing out that Erinsborough is definitely not an anagram of neighbours. It's actually a loose anagram and there's an additional O and R. Yeah. Jack Widows has texted, Hi Frank, how can Erinsborough be an anagram of neighbours when it's got two Rs? Jack Widows from Bearswood. Bearswood in the house! Bearswood! Do you know Jack Widows? No, but

thanks for the tip. Is there anything in that? No, not really. I'll pass it later. P-A-R-S-E. Okay. Well, I'm sorry about that. Torchwood is definitely an anagram of Doctor Who oh yeah so anyway

oh so we're talking about neighbours would you go and stay there I wouldn't personally why not I haven't watched it for because you used to like it though I liked it in the golden age obviously everybody did Charlene you? I liked it in the Golden Age obviously, everybody did. Charlene.

Yeah, and then I liked it. There was a very... Fine Jane Superbride. Lucky as go on errands, bruv. Why is she not famous? We can't all talk at once. Let's not get back to Delta Goodrum. The Stranger, my favourite ever Neighbours

actress. Yes. Well, I'll explain this. I went to see To Die For, which was a Nicole Kidman film. Yes. And I remember thinking, this is as attractive as anybody ever gets. She just looked absolutely incredible in it. Right.

You mean about Nicole Kidman? Nicole Kidman. But then Nicole Kidman, very quickly, I don't know quite what happened to her look. She went like she was in a restoration comedy. Right. She went like white curly piled up hair and white face. And you know,

oh fire the box upon him sir! She was like this all the time. She became a lace handkerchief and a nose gag. Yes, I know what you mean. Tom, you're a mess, you're a red know what you mean. Tom, you're the most outrageous slouch! So, um, so anyway, so I went

off her a bit, but then, incredibly, like, do you ever watch tag wrestling when you're a youth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So someone's wrestling in the ring and then they can reach out to their partner and then their partner gets in the ring and they get out and they have a bit of a rest. Okay. And Neighbours suddenly got this actress who looked like Nicole Kidman before she went

into a Richard Brinsley Sheridan play. Who was this actress? It's called Pippa Black and she played Elle Robinson, who was Paul Robinson's rather wayward daughter. But she was just, she was the Nicole Kidman I thought I'd lost forever. Oh, that's a nice story. Did Paul Robinson, did wayward daughter. But she was just... She was the Nick Arkin man I thought I'd lost forever. Oh, that's a nice story. Did Paul Robinson... Did he own Lasseter's?

Yes, I think he did. OK. He was a pretty mean character as well, wasn't he, Paul Robinson? Yeah. But Elle... You know Helen Daniels. She was actually called Lucinda,

but she didn't like it, so she made everyone call her Elle. Right, yeah. Yeah, she was sensational. What happened to Pippa Black, I wonder? Good question. I don't know, but I suspect we're the only radio station in the world asking that this morning. No, but in Australia they still say.

What happened to Nicole Kidman, I wonder? I've got a theory about why you went off her. I think her hot water got cut off and she started having to have cold showers and it just made her just taut. It looked like she was actually sleeping in the freezer. She went a stage further.

She could have been a good... What's the name of the... Is it the Snow Queen in The One, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe? Yeah. She could have walked into that part, not stopping at make-up. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio Okay

I'd be quite excited to stay in that Ramsey Street though You could do it Do it Well I could Just do it Okay Why don't you though? Frank's right

I'd like to Do a laugh You know my favourite thing ever said on an Australian TV show Was on that reality show Do you remember Sylvania Waters? Sylvania Waters? It was the first reality show and it was set in Australia. And the father came in and he said to the family, is there any good reason why the television isn't on?

Sounds excellent. Which I absolutely love, so I could say that. But I've been to, I've actually visited the Brookside clothes set. Oh. My friend's scouse, Tony, took me there. He had a lot of connections. And we went to the patio, where, is it Trevor Jordache? I don't know.

Oh, Daisy, it was not on ITV, sorry, darling. Beth Jordache buried her dad, was he called Trevor? Yeah, Trevor Jordache. Yeah. And there's a picture of me, Frank, pointing at it with one thumb up and then pointing at the patio. Oh, that is nice. Macabre. The Guardian.

Yeah. Oh. I've been to them all. I went to the Top of the Pop studio when I was younger. Well, I went to the Top of the Pop studio. I had to, you see, I was on. Oh. Oh, I went in the Big Brother house first series. Did you? I mean, inside the wall. You know, you can go in the wall Brother house first series inside the wall you can go in the wall cavity where the cameras are

I went in the wall cavity and do you remember I think she was an Irish lesbian lady who was in the first series she was washing up and I was looking out from the mirror and she was looking straight well not at me she was looking at the mirror it's very sort of

I could see the allure of peeping Tomary. Could you? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yes. What about when I went to the BBC with my sister and my dad, we used to go down and we said, we want to see something being filmed. He said, I'm afraid there's only Ken Hom on today. He's in one of the studios.

Oh, yeah. Nice wok, if you can get it. Yeah. He was doing a cookery show. I was doing a wok on. We went in to have a look. He smashed an egg by mistake. He came out with an expletive. Did he? Yes. Home swore.

Oh dear. Yeah. We left. I've never felt the same about him since. That is a shame. Well I I've seen Pobbly Quim. Biggie Pum. Pobbly Quim. The Welsh language sitcom. I've seen Pobly Quim. Bigger pun. Pobly Quim, the Welsh language sitcom. I've seen the whole...

The set is amazing. It's in one sort of, like, a warehouse. And there's a straight walk down the middle. And to all the sides, there's these little individual rooms, people's rooms in the village of... I presume that the village is called Poblikwim, I could be wrong. I'm not sure.

But they're all in there, all in one go. So you see the whole place just by walking from one end of the warehouse to the other. Oh, lovely. Brilliant. That's nice. I was filming Doctor Who at the time, you see, and they filmed it at the same studio. That's nice.

Don't you see? I don't think I've ever been on a TV set of a show that I'm a fan of. Well, thanks for joining in. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We need to talk about a story that I'm not really sure of the central character, this Giselle Bunchen character. You don't know Giselle Bunchen? She used to go out with Leo.

Yeah. Leo. Leonardo DiCaprio, not that lion. Not that lion. No, not one of the Ninja Turtles. Right. Yeah. Yeah, she's been, she's had a bit of trouble,

as Frank Spence reminds me. A little bit of trouble. Yeah. She donned, she donned. Oh, I like this trouble She donned She donned She donned a burka To go for plastic surgery We don't call it plastic surgery

We call it procedures Oh really? I was more worried that we'd called it burka I think we're allowed to call it burka I'm sure you are It says in the paper burka If I'd have been there, I'd have gone in a Ku Klux Klan outfit. It'd have been less

controversial. That's true. People have really spotted that it's her. Mainly through hand and feet recognition. That's what they've gone for. I know, but what was she thinking of? Well, I'll tell you what. She let herself down. It happens so often. We've seen it on the show.

Is that what she was getting done? Week after week, it was. It was. It was the fancy dress footwear. Yes, she got the wrong shoes. If she'd popped on a pair of Reeboks, nobody would have known. Is that what you're saying? Well, she did. I don't know what the footwear is,

but she wore an open-toe sandal, which apparently is completely out. Yeah, it's verboten. So the idea was, because she's a very... I mean, if you don't know her, let me tell you, she's like a proper supermodel person, and so she doesn't want us to know that she needs a bit of work because she's so beautiful. I mean, this is all allegedly,

but why else would she go out there in disguise? Browsing. To be fair to her, when I had my pec implants... Oh. Sorry, I'm actually running a cab firm from Absolute. What is that noise? That's interesting, isn't it? Something extraordinary has happened.

Can you do Brixton? Ten minutes. Can we get somebody there? Outside of the river at this time of night. We'll be all right. Yeah, so when I got my pec implants done, I went as the Green Hornet. Did you?

Did you? Yeah, and I got away with it completely. One of the things I enjoyed as well is that it was the chauffeur that had her rumbled. It was very Scooby-Doo, the reveal. It wasn't the caret is that it was the chauffeur that had her rumbled. It was very Scooby-Doo, the reveal. It wasn't the caretaker, it was the chauffeur. Because people recognised him, you see.

Yeah, foolish. She should have dressed him up as something as well. Yeah. Exactly. Or got a normal cab, like a hackney cab that she hadn't used before. I don't think so. Well, she could have booked one here if she'd have called. Yeah, exactly.

Not if this lot were booking them. Can I ask, if you were going in for procedures, Frank, or you, Alan, would you go and you had to disguise yourself, what would you go as? Because, you see, I think she should have gone, like, a proper fancy dress. Yes. Like Chewbacca. Yeah. I think what I'd do is disguise myself on the way out.

If I was going for a facelift, I'd go in as me and then I'd get, um, the sort of stuff I used to wear in the 90s, Hawaiian shirts and, like, England football shirt

and then come out as the me from the 90s. That really, really confused people. Well, it would also make you feel like it had worked. Yeah. Like, I don't just look ten years younger.

I actually am. I'd get a bit more laddish. Yeah. I'd start doing jokes about spangles. That'd be great. Fantastic. I'd get dressed up as a mummy. Get the full mummy bandages thing on.

And that way, my going in outfit can also double up for when they've finished the operation. Yes. And I can just pop it all back on and go home and convalesce. Is there a period of convalescing? Well, can I say Benedict Cucumber did that at the Halloween party. Jonathan Ross's Halloween party. He did Invisible Man, I think. Oh, yeah.

With all the managers, because then the paparazzi didn't recognise him. Clever. I've ruined it next year for him, haven't I? Yes. Brilliant idea. That's a recognise him. Clever. I've ruined it next year for him, haven't I? Yes. Brilliant idea. That's a good disguise. I do.

If I, when I go to cricket, live cricket, I tend, I mean, you know, I'm fiercely anti-British people wearing baseball caps. Yes. I do take a baseball cap. It's often one with a cricket, the Warwickshire insignia on it, which makes it a bit better. But because people drink more at cricket matches than they drink for the rest of their lives. Is that right? Yeah. People start drinking at like half ten. Oh, I thought they were tea

drinkers more. People get really drunk. I mean, really drunk. So I get a lot of why, why, why when I come out and I, you know it's alright but I don't need that in my life who started that?

is there a is there a football fan somewhere saying to his wife I never got any money for that voice everybody does it now I never got any money

I'd like to meet no I wouldn't. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We haven't headed over to the corner yet this week. Hold on, let me see if I can find that. There we go. You mean this one? one.

It's a late visit. It's like we're popping in on the way home. Yeah. And why not? This is from Chris. He says, re the Nintendo bit. Oh, now. This has been going on. Let's make this the closure on the Nintendo. I mentioned weeks ago that it suddenly occurred to me that nintendo

means nine ten do it's like a countdown for action and then we had several versions of what nintendo meant yeah so let's hope that this is uh the the end okay chris says a n Nintendo is comprised of three Chinese characters, nin, which means benevolence, ten, which means heaven, and dou, which means hall, not wei, which is a different Chinese character with the same pronunciation. So it means something like hall of heavenly benevolence. End of story, mate. That's what it means.

That's lovely. And relax, Chris. Hall of heavenly Benevolence. End of story, mate. That's what it means. That's lovely. I'm relaxed, Chris. Hall of Heavenly Benevolence. That's what I used to call Smethwick's social security office. That's what I call my bedroom. I like this email because he's slightly bipolar, isn't he? At the start of the email, he's sort of got a professorial tone. Like, if he was in a film, he'd be played by Tom Conti.

Oh, it's this, the Chinese character nin, ten means heaven, and do, and then he finishes it, he gets the Hall of Heavenly Benevolence, and then he sort of goes a bit Ray Winston. End of story, mate. That's what it means, and relax. That's what happens. It's really nice. He's got both sides to him. Yes. I like that. Maybe he composed it over several days.

And just, you know, his mood changed. Yeah. His entire persona changed by the time he got to the end. So, yeah, I feel we can draw a line onto that, right? So what does a nin mean? Nin is benevolence. So ninja... Yeah?

I don't think them are very benevolent. It's a benevolence jar. I don't think them are very benevolent. It's a benevolence jar. I don't think them are very benevolent. They're like a charity tub. They're not. A ninja is a benevolence jar. But they're not benevolent, are they? I would say they're mean-spirited.

That's all Alan's gang, that's all his friends. Oh, yeah, I'm big with the ninjas. I'm right into them. Well, what about the ninja turtles are relatively benevolent. Yeah, but they're turtles, not men. Yeah, you are. You are! You are! Besides, they're not really turtles, not men. You are. You are! Besides, they're not really ninja, they're an offshoot.

I think so, yeah. A splinter group, if you will. That's excellent work. That is excellent work. Thanks very much. 6.30, stand one. I used to be material about that because Splinter the Rat, who was their boss, has only got one ear.

He's got one ear and he's the only one who's named after a famous artist. Oh, there you go. Opportunity missed. Okay. Recycle that 90s material. Still sounds good. Still sounds good.

Still a good point. Like to thank the police. Good point. Well made. Yeah. I'll be wrapped around your finger. That's what Simon from Blue said to me. So, thanks so much for listening.

If the good Lord spares us and the Craigstone Rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Well, two of us will, because Alan Cochran is off to Edinburgh. Where will you be appearing, Alan? I'll be at The Stand. Yes. Which is a comedy club. Yes, and at 6.30pm.

6.30. If you're in Edinburgh, do, do, do go and see Alan Cotteran. We will miss him terribly, but he will be back. Well, unless some are terrible, Alan. Anyway... Sobering thought. Yes, so thank you so much for listening. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.