The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - The 270

Episode Date: July 28, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has managed to create a whole new genre of publicity. The team also discuss Theresa May's cookbook collection, owls and spontaneous human combustion.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner with the very untypical Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning to you. Morning Frank. We've had a tweet about the weather. Shall we start with that?

Oh, yeah. We never do weather on this. I seem to remember we used to have weather forecasts and stuff on this in the early days. Whatever happened to weather forecasts? Did we ever say a noun for the weather? I never said that. No. We should have.

I used to back refer. I used to say that then That was the weather then What about when we had to do the news once Oh yeah it's good You sort of know what's going on in the news It's all about sharing And as my child says

Sharing is caring Andrew Gardner Unless it's chlamydia Can you say chlamydia Have you got the manual Have you got the absolute manual Of things we can't I don't know

Whoops Okay moving on I don't know if you can say I don't know Yeah Okay Shall we talk about the weather instead Let's talk about

You just had a contact have you Yeah from I'm not a spy John le Carré I've got a contact Andrew Gardner has got in touch. Sitting in a huge storm in Whitby makes me remember. Whatever happened to turning the TV off during lightning storms?

Hold on. Whatever happened to... Not only, but my dad used to do a thing of opening the cutlery drawer and putting a tea towel over the knives and forks and spoons in case they were struck by lightning. Wow, Frank, Andrew continues, my wife claims that advice at the time was to sellotape knife and fork drawers up and cover mirrors.

Cover mirrors? Cover mirrors? Yes, the lightning could bounce off a mirror. Cover mirrors with what? Towels? Or dust sheets. Dust sheets. Dust sheets.

Where do we put those dust sheets? You need a fair bit of warning for this lightning. No, we used to race. My dad would be on the tea towel in seconds and over to the cutlery drawer. Wow. I mean, when you... I love the naivety of those days.

Yeah. I tell you what I... I love the naivety of those days. Yeah. I tell you what I feel for is the heavily pierced in a lightning storm. I mean, they must be waiting for it. Yeah. Very hazardous. Yeah. Nice people, though, generally speaking. Yeah.

Or the heavily pierced. I often thought that. I don't know. I don't know what it is. I don't know if piercing gives you a sense of the shared pain of humanity and you become more compassionate. Oh, in that case, I might just put it on my to-do list. Okay.

I think I might need some piercings. We've had another missive, if you would care to hear it. Oh, sure. Gary or Cole. Hello, Frank, Alan and the Divine Miss M. Tonight I had a massive big moment and it's pun based you have read ahead haven't you

I'm just going to read this out it's your stomach rumbling congratulations and it's pun based too hold on a minute stomach rumbling Al congratulations and jubilations

we should say shouldn't we that Em used to work in the fashion industry. And what used to happen, Em? If someone's stomach rumbled, they might have got a round of applause. Yeah, which suggested an attitude to slimness, which, of course, we don't approve of on the absolute radio. No. No. Anyway, meanwhile, over at Gary McCall's gaff,

he continues, it's a pun-based big mo. OK. Roy's Rolls in Coronation Street is a play on Rolls Royce. Oh, yeah. I've been a fool. Apologies to the surrounding area. Hashtag buffoon. Oh, yeah.

I'd never thought of that either. Always rolls. And you should know because Al was in Coronation Street. Of course. Yeah. Do you know I've never seen that episode? I have. Was it one episode or more?

Me neither. You've never seen it? No. Well, I'm the only one who's seen it. I absolutely loved it. Mm-hmm. Okay. Any lightning in it?

No. There's never been a lightning storm in Coronation Street. Oh, there's been everything in Coronation Street, surely. I don't think there's ever been. I never remember a lightning storm. And I, well, I started watching it in 1980. But even so, it's been time. You used to love it.

Oh, God, I used to love it. Right, right. Back in the day. Roy, um... I thought he was in there then. Later than that, because I... You know, I bumped into Roy Cropper in our wrap-up recently. When I first met you, Frank, you were a fan.

Did I tell you I bumped into Roy Cropper in my street? You didn't. Yeah. Real name? Any idea? I thought you were on the spot now. Sorry about that. Yeah, you have put me on the spot. Of course I know his real name. His real name is... Absolute.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio so let me tell you something um a few weeks ago i got a call from my manager to say that um room 101 had been uh dropped by the bbc right it happens so i was interviewed by the times um about a few days later and the and the edit and the bloke said so you're doing pretty well you got this you got that room 101 goes on and on doesn't it i said room 101 is dead so why'd you have to say it like that i just i don't know i just why don't i have to say at all was what the publicists actually afterwards it's just so jacob marley it is a bit i know but and the publicist uh lucy is very professional was sitting and currently on

medication sitting in on the interview did look um anxious um but anyway so it was said and then um i did i recorded um loose ends oh yeah do you know that the popular radio 4 show with clive And I recorded Loose Ends. Oh, yeah. Do you know that? The popular Radio 4 show with Clive Anderson. I do. Clashes with this, doesn't it? A bit later today. No, it's on at quarter past six, I think.

Oh, right. I call it Ends Not Women. Ends Not Women. Oh, I see. Because Loose Women is a different program. Oh, I see. Got it. I'm fan.

Got it. So I was on there talking about a play that I've got on in Edinburgh. Oh, yeah. And they said, so Room 101 has been dropped. And I said, yeah, that's right. It's gone. I got the phone call. And I thought, I'm on a show here.

This is a whole new genre. People go on and plug their new projects. I go on and mourn the passing. This is going to be what people do now. You've had a couple of shows cut just lately. Yeah, I thought I'd come on and publicise that. So I've actually

been doing press for Room 101 being pulled. I can imagine bumping into celebrities now in the wings before chat shows saying, you plug in or morning?

Yeah. So, yeah, it was a win. Can I just say, talking of your plugging tour, Yeah. can we discuss

your appearance on the one show? I haven't had a plugging tour for a long time. Yes, I was on the one show. Oh, I've been doing the rounds. Were you doing about it no we didn't they oh you know we didn't

got around to it very future focused yeah my anti-publicist was furious i hadn't mentioned now i watched the one show oh yeah oh frank i'll have a look keep an eye on that watched the one show oh frank i'll have a look keep an eye on that see what he's saying i mean i thought i was watching saturday night live it was hilarious who knew the one show was the funniest thing of the week oh really yeah he frank went on this is the longest i've gone without interrupting since this show started i was wondering frank it was a good one, wasn't it? Come on. Well, I always like doing the one show. It's a fabulous...

When they phone up and say, we're going to do a film about depression in the catering industry and then another film about paddling pools, you think you're on the one show. Yeah. Yeah. He mentioned...

At one point, he mentioned Adrian. He said, is it okay to... Is it okay to mention him? Well it is, it does feel a bit wrong to mention Adrian in charge of the one show because he is the ghost of Christmas past. And still the best as far as I'm concerned.

I love Matt. Original and best. But I did add lest we forget which is probably a bit melodramatic. Yeah you did say that. But there was one point as well where Matt was obviously, because Frank told, you know he got a lot of laughs, I'm not going to lie but you could see Rory

Bremner plugged his bit and Jan Ravens plugged her bit and I could see, I know that little face he's thinking I need to talk about my one and I like Matt because he read Frank very well. What about me? He knew, he sensed all about me and he said, Frank, we'll get on to yours in a minute, OK?

He reassured him. Oh, that's nice. But, you know, there was a moment, and this was so close. You know, when they were talking about doing impressions of politicians, obviously they're both brilliant at it. So she did Theresa May and he did... Boris Johnson, did he do? Yeah, Boris Johnson, Michael Howard, and they were doing all that.

And I was thinking, oh, I can't join in. And then I thought, of course, I've got my Enoch Powell. Like the Roman I seem to see. The River Tiber foaming with much blood. And I thought, I was that close to doing it. And after I thought, no, maybe. I just don't know how that would have gone. Absolute, Absolute

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about when Frank was on the one show this week? Oh yeah, I missed it. And Sandy Toksvig, who was brilliant, I have to say, I loved her. But she said at one point, she said, can I be honest, darling, I've never heard...

Oh, good, good, I like it. OK, going with Rory Brenner. Can I be honest, darling, I've never heard it. I've never heard Three Lions, I've never heard the song. She claimed she'd never heard Three Lions. And they played it to her, and her reaction... Come on, I love Sandy. I mean, I love that woman, but she must have heard it.

I'm not having it, Sand. Sorry, Sand. I'm not having it. All right? Okay. I don't know. I believe everything she says, personally. Yeah.

There's always, I mean, that programme, I've never seen Star Wars, is based on that thing, isn't it, that people do shock you with? I've never seen that. Look, the other day. I've never seen Star Wars. I on that thing, isn't it? That people do shock you with. I've never seen that. Look, the other day... I've never seen Star Wars. I tell you what, the TV version of it, you'd have had to be quite quick to catch that.

But the radio version is excellent. I say that, obviously, because I did it. But we were talking about four weddings and a funeral today. I've never seen that. Oh, really? So, you know, we've all missed out on some big things. Yeah, I don't know who Jacob Marley is

that was referenced just five minutes ago. You don't know who Jacob Marley is? No, he's gone. Or if I do know, it's gone. Okay.

Tell me if you're I'll give you a clue. Door knocker. Is that thee, Marley? Or is it perhaps some corrupted pork pie that I have dined upon? Am I helping?

That's a terrible clue. Not really. I'll give you another clue. No woman, no... I know that. I've got the wrong Marley now. Did that not help? No, not really.

Okay, maybe they can... Jacob, you're dead! Why should they attend me now? Oh, all right, yeah. Now I think I'm caught. Are you getting there? I think so. What are you guessing?

What are you guessing? Is it A Christmas Carol? It is! Oh, thank goodness for that. Listen, what a... If there was a verbal charades, would I have won some sort of prize? No.

Okay. I think I would have suggested some sort of medication. Turns out I hate being tested. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, it wasn't your fault. Think of it more as my bad. I was trying to help you.

We had a text in last night. You know, I like to look at the Friday night and see what happens. Oh, yeah. It's whatever happened to. Hi all, long-term reader. It's a bit late, just spotted a book on a friend's bookshelf. One topic was spontaneous human combustion.

Oh, yes. This seemed to be all the rage in the 70s and early 80s and seems to have dropped out in popularity. Fire From Heaven was the book we all read at school. Oh, really? It's about people just being at a party and suddenly bursting into flames. Well, Robin Watford is mooting the possibility

that it dropped out of popularity due to the increase in central heating. I don't see how that could be left. I suppose because he's thinking it was caused by people getting too close to the fire in acrylic fibres or something like that. Oh, maybe. The whole idea was that sometimes

there's stuff inside your body. I don't remember the chemistry, but it gets so much that people, literally, they'd just burst, like one of us now could just burst into flames.

And there's lots of pictures of shoes with feet still in them. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's all that's left, the embers of a once vivacious human being. Yeah.

Yes. Presumably. Sorry, that was a quote from one of my reviews, my recent reviews. Yeah, we were obsessed with it. Really? It keeps you very focused on your schoolwork.

Yeah. At any moment. Yeah, so there was that, and there was Chariots of the Gods by Eric von Däniken, which was the idea that the aliens built Stonehenge. That was a biggie as well. And, of course, skinhead, skinhead escapes, boot boys, suede head.

What was the difference between suede head? Did he just move on from skinhead to suede head? Do you remember the suede heads? They grew their hair a little bit, and they started wearing crombies, often with the handkerchief in the top pocket. But not a real handkerchief. It was a bit of silk.

It was three silk sort of pyramids stitched onto the top of a piece of cardboard that you'd wear in your pocket with a stud through it. I love that. I guess today when I was young so many, many songs were with a bit song. Charles Aznavour there, ladies and gentlemen.

Never thought I'd say that on Absolute Radio. Is he still alive at 85, Charles Aznavour? I think he's older than 85. He's probably still alive at 95. Oh, come on. We'll check his age during this. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Did I tell you I went... Sorry, Em. Charles Aznavour? Yes, how old? Still alive at 94. 94. Come on, respectamundo.

Yeah. I saw Sir Ian McKellen. And of course for Charles Aznavour. Are we the only breakfast zoo that clap because someone's 94? But I saw Ian McKellen this week in King Lear. Oh, yeah. In the West End. He's 79 now.

I love his Lear. He is fantastic. This is his second Lear. I saw his first Lear. He's given his Lear before. This is his first Lear. Well, I don't know how to ask this because it's an indelicate question. Yeah.

Is the... I mean, he was quite exposed for the first Lear. Do you understand? Oh, was he? Yeah. Are you talking about... He stripped off. Did he really?

I watched it with Jonathan Ross. At 70... No, I think at 79. You've got to draw a line on it somewhere. I'm certainly drawing a line on mine. He's covered in tattoos. No, did he really? Well, of course, it's covered in tattoos. No, did he really?

Well, of course, it's all in context, etc., etc. But no, it was a slightly modern military uniform thing. But if anyone fancies a bit of Shakespeare, I would very much recommend the King Lear. I mean, just when he comes out, you know, it's just... I make that... It's a bit late, do you? But just when he first appears, you know, and comes on blustering with all these royal figures,

great. Great! I've been on stage with him, you know. Ian McKellen? You've worked with them all, I thought. No, no, this was before I was in the business, dear. I went to see him at Birmingham Rep, and he used to do a play about Shakespeare.

He used to do, like, a one-man show about Shakespeare. Oh, yeah. And there was a bit and he used to do a play about Shakespeare. He used to do a one-man show about Shakespeare. And there's a bit where he used to get volunteers on stage and he'd talk about a battle scene and there'd be about 200 people standing behind him. Obviously, with the general lie, that's about 80. And then he'd come over to us and whisper, like, when I raise my right hand, all fall over. And then he'd say, and then Matt will see,

and then, of course, a terrible devastation. I'm going to do him. Terrible devastation. And he raised his hand, and we all dropped to the floor, and the audience gasped and applauded. So I met him, and I said, I've worked with you before, because blah, blah, blah. He said, a great many people say that.

I've worked with you before because blah, blah, blah. He said, a great many people say that. And I suppose that's it. If you're getting 80 people up, you're not really special. But anyway. I like the sentence, though. A great many people say that. One I could use myself.

Yes. To example, where's Dave? Oh, dear. Anyway, did I tell you a few weeks ago I was going to go on a camping holiday? Oh, dear. Anyway, did I tell you a few weeks ago I was going to go on a camping holiday? Oh, yes. With the family. I think you might have. What happened with that?

Well, Kath had a migraine and was... I mean, you know those migraines where people just go in a dark room? Yeah. What's that photography? Anyway. I don't think they do that anymore so much. They don't have dark rooms anymore.

It's all online these days. What? No more dark rooms? It's all online. The dark room. The dark room. That was always a good place for... It would be a good Luke Skywalker saying, Father, Father, where can I develop these prints?

Go to the dark room. Sorry, Em. Terrible TV advert. If Star Wars had really, the first three had really bombed after that, then that's the kind of work they would have been doing. To impronter print adverts. Exactly.

Exactly. Oh, dear. Go on. The creativeness is Frank Skinner. Luke, how do you keep your hair so

so blonde? With many people their roots are a bit on the dark side. Are you sunning, father? And then off you go.

This is an opportunity. It would have been good to see how it declined, wouldn't it? The death of a glorious franchise. The death of a franchise. The death of a franchise. Part one, you enjoyed the Room 101.

But this time, Star Wars. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So, anyway, we couldn't go camping. And if you have a six-year-old child and you say you're going camping and then you don't go camping, you've got problems. Yeah, you're a baddie. How many? 99? Yeah.

And the pitch ain't one. Oh, we got it together. I love it. I love it we got it together. And kept it daytime. Yeah, exactly. And got it together. I love it. I love it. We got it together. And kept it daytime. Yeah, exactly. And keep it daytime. That's my motto. Keep it morning, even.

Yeah. Okay, I tripped early on, but I've bounced back from that. So we, my theory is that if you're camping and you're a kid, it doesn't matter where you're camping. So we camped in our garden. Not Kath she wouldn't go out there she said you never know in london you don't know who's wondering about the garden at night oh what foxy bingo people in the garden forgot about the foxes yeah well i'm not bothered but we we went, so we went, we'd gone into the tent, me and boss, and there was an owl.

You know that sort of woo-woo-woo? Oh, yeah. Woo. Is that an owl? Yeah. I'm not sure. It's an owl. It's an owl played backwards like the dwarf in Twin Peaks.

Oh, yeah. Woo. Woo. Well, it was doing that, and of course, it is a bit scary. I was slightly scared by it. It's a scary sound. Oh, it's doing that. And of course, it is a bit scary. I was slightly scared by it. It's a scary sound. Oh, terrifying creatures. And I said to Buzz then,

well, he's hunting for little mice and stuff like that. And my dog. Yeah. The owls. Yeah, they hunt the little dogs. And he said, well, why isn't he quiet then? Oh, that's a good point. And I thought, yeah, actually, why is he?

If I was haunting for people at night, wouldn't we go, wait up! Come on! Wait up! It'd be rubbish. I'd say, what is it with owls? No wonder they all look half-stuffed. Very thick-necked. They are thick-necked, yeah. And then

I couldn't imagine one with a yoke with two buckets of milk on it. I don't know where you'd put it, where you'd lean it. The problem with owls is... Problem with owls, 8, 12, 15. Well, I'm not saying they're overweight, but they just lack shape. They are. They have got the SpongeBob. They're the SpongeBob of the avian world.

They sort of look a bit like those kind of gangstery men that put a crumbic over their arms, you know, sort of without the arms in the sleeves. They've got a bit of that look, haven't they? They can do that 360 degree turn. I'm not sure even Daleks can do that. Well, Al, they look a bit like their

shoulder robing in the fashion sense. Is that what it's called? That's what Al's on about. He just didn't have the terminology. I mean, I've not got that terminology. Shoulder roping, I love that. And then, what about this? I was woken up at about two o'clock in the morning by revelers.

But they were singing Football's Coming Home. Oh, so not so bad. I've never been so pleasantly woken by revelers in the middle of the night. It really warmed the cockles of my heart. Yeah. And I was thinking about things that have woken me up over the year. I used to...

Okay, shall we go to... No, no, I've been cleaning. I was thinking in a morning way. Not morning. Yeah, you know, as you say, daytime. I was thinking daytime thoughts about it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I used to stay with a woman in Birmingham.

We'll leave it there. Legend. And there was a dog that used to bark next to her flat. And I don't know where it was, but it was nearby. And I could hear it bark in the morning. And it always barked exactly the same. And it barked as if it was going to bark the American National Anthem. So it would bark, ro, ro, ro,alk. Row, row, row, row.

Row, row, row, row. And I always, I had to complete it. Row, row, row, row. And I'd have to go, da, da. And it wasn't in my key. I'll be honest with you, it was difficult. But yeah, that was a... A star-spangled banner, Dom.

It was such a weird thing. So what about odd things, odd daytime clean things that you've been woken up by at 8, 12, 15? What do you think about that? I get woken up by parrots now some mornings. I mean, who thought, when I was reading Treasure Island, I could hear parrots out in my garden. I thought, this is like censor round.

Yeah. Absolutely brilliant. If I could get a cat to walk up the stairs with it, I could stick it on the stairs. I mean, I'd be living, I'd be absolutely living it. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. Tweet us on at Frank on the radio. Email us via the Absolute Radio website. And we've had a few. We have? Oh, I've had a few.

Yeah? We've had a few. I'll be straight with you. OK, carry on. We've had a few. Yeah? We've had a few. I'll be straight with you. OK, carry on. We've had Kevin from Luton. You were talking about what strange things had woken people up. Yeah. Kevin from Luton says,

I recently got woken up by two guys dismantling a cash register below my flat. Wow. I put my head out of the window and said, Hi, guys. They said hello. I went back to bed. A bit scared. Is he a policeman?

I didn't know. You could dismantle. I'm very naive on crime. You can actually dismantle and remove and literally leave a hole in the wall. Do you know, it was only when you said that that that occurred to me it might be potentially criminal activity. Oh, really? You're joking.

What, you thought they were just... I literally just thought, oh, that's funny. Why were they doing that? No, it would have been crime. Did you imagine too many brown coats? I thought they might have the lab coats. Yeah. Sorry, Alan.

I don't know if he means a cash register or a cash machine, but I suppose he means a cash machine, yeah. Does he say cash register? Yeah, he does mean like... It'd be good if they were dismantling one of them. It was actually the design crew for Open All Hours. Yeah.

Just getting the props ready. Well, yeah, maybe that's where my mind went, you see. Because bear in mind our Christmas decorations were from the set

of Vicar of Dibley one year. Were they really? That's funny. How lovely. There you go. So that's where my mind goes.

Yeah. I don't think I'd have had my nerve to put my head out the window if there was two men dismantling a cash dispensing machine, lest they might throw a Kung Fu star, catch me in the Adam's apple. Oh, you don't want that. Not when you talk.

I hate that. It's the sort of thing I might leave it in. You could put an apple on it while you're talking, halfway through an apple. No. 1-3-7 has joined the... Whatever happened to Kung Fu Stars? Oh, I don't think...

Well, I know this, that when the fidget spinner craze started, I didn't know that it was fidget spinners. And it just so happened that the first youths I saw holding those things were in Glasgow at a train station and I thought, oh there's loads of guys walking towards me with throwing stars. When you say throwing stars, I call them

shurikens. That's probably the technical name. Very good. But then I only know that because I know people that... You're friends with a ninja? No, I'm friends with Jonathan Ross. Oh right, yeah, yeah. Shurikens sounds like the sort of thing that David Cameron might call

his wife in the bedroom. I love you, shurikens. But we called them Kung Fu Stars and I used to work in a factory in those days and a bloke used to make them on the lathe and sell them off cheap. Maybe them on the lathe and sell them off cheap

maybe not on the lathe but one of the machines and rays really sharpen them up so you go out for the park and chuck them at trees and you know

wildlife different times weren't they they were very different times but kung fu there was absolutely there was a cinema

were those cats fast as lightning is that what you were about to say there was a cinema near us that just fast as lightning? Is that what you were about to say? There was a cinema near us that just showed kung fu films and nothing else at all. It was tremendous. Very zeitgeist, wasn't it?

I went there a lot. Sounds a little bit frightening, if you ask me. 137 has got involved in being woken up by Strange Things Party. I used to get woken up by a bird at 6am every morning that sounded exactly... Bit 90s. Steady on. Sounded exactly like my alarm clock. One morning the bird started

and changed key midway through. I looked out the window and just saw the black tail of my cat and I knew what was happening. Oh no. He got breakfast and I had peaceful mornings again. Just to confirm, I didn't order the hit. It was just a coincidence. No, yes.

They claim. They claim. No, that is... He's laughing about someone ordering a hit. In a very nasty way. It's only a dog got it in the end. Oh, don't say that. No, but compared to a human being...

Oh, it depends on the human being. Let's be honest. Sorry. Oh, no. Oh, no, Mrs. I don't think Frecchio had ever responded to a question about the value of human life over animal life in that way. Yes.

I think that bird may well have heard his alarm on a regular basis and done impressions of it. They do that, don't they? They do, yeah, they do. Did I tell you that time when I was doing a TV show called The Bubble? Another one. It wasn't my show, but that lasted one series, I think. So, you know.

Yeah. I've got a touch of death about me. Anyway, I was... What was The Bubble again? You got locked away. It was hidden away. Three celebrities were shot in a lovely house for three weeks. You can't have a phone telly radio.

And then they read news stories. You have to guess whether it's fake news which I don't think existed then. But anyway, the researcher said, we need to be up early tomorrow because it's the day we were going back to the studio. He said, so

can you be up at say half seven I said well obviously I don't have my phone so he said I'm going to town I'll get you an alarm clock so anyway

he came back really late I'd gone to bed so I went to sleep next morning knock on the door half past seven so I went to it

he gave me the alarm clock you're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast half past seven. So I went to it, he gave me the alarm clock. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Did I get Sherry Blair

mixed up with Samantha Cameron? Harry and Peterborough has asked. I'm just not sure what it was about. I talked about David Cameron calling his wife I think you were talking about Sherrykin. Yeah, Sherrykin. I just thought Sherrykin sounds like a pet name.

He said it was Cherie Blair. I don't want to start a rumour that David Cameron's having an affair with Cherie Blair that day. No, I got it because it was the Kins. The Kins have had enough affair rumours, haven't they? Have they? Yeah. Anyway, so get me the guidebook.

There was a biggie, wasn't there? What's the guidebook? There was one biggie that I think we talked about. Oh, yes. Wendy Ding, was it? Yeah, you got it. Wendy Ding, Ding, Robin comes... Wendy Deng.

Was it Deng? I thought it was Deng. Sorry, I saw... When I met her, she was standing next to a microwave. And it's put the wrong name in my head altogether. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of prime ministers... Oh, yeah.

Have we got one? I think so That's a bit harsh Come on Sisters Are doing it for themselves What you say baby I said oh sisters

Sisters doing it Do it for themselves She's like the fade down on sisters Sisters Let me see you say Sisters, what do they do for themselves Still never made the actual record

They recorded all that and they just came out much earlier Well if you were missing Three Lions then there you go There you go Theresa May's been on, is it a sort of UK tour, someone referred to it? I'm guessing.

No sleep till Brexit. I'm picturing that in a white overall and white hat in a biscuit factory. That's the only thing that politicians ever seem to do. I think it is that sort of thing. It's kind of explaining the deal to the public and whatever the deal will be. And transparency, I assume. Yeah. But part of it was a Q&A that she did in Newcastle.

She must think the population of Britain is puzzled-looking men in factories. That seems to... Used to be. Of course, stuff to do. Yeah, come on. Got to get back to the dyeing shop. The dye shop we had.

Carry on. She did a Q&A, though. That was brave, wasn't it, in the current climate? Well, they must, I mean, I presume someone screened these questions because the most hard copy interrogation she got was, you probably have the most stressful job in the world right now what do you do not true well yeah no except for the White House press secretary what I used to be a professional Jenga player before you live on your nerves no but it's not the most stressful well

they did insert the word probably but no but you know when I when I was the most stressful? Well, they did insert the word probably. No, but you know, when I... What is the most stressful job in the world? 8, 50, 12? What is it? I mean, I did think when I heard the question, you probably have the world's most stressful job right now, I thought, have none of these people seen Ice Road Truckers? Yeah, but also, when I had an ordinary sort of factory job, I hated it.

I had to keep it because if I didn't keep it I'd have to go on supplementary benefit as it was there. I wouldn't think, oh if I'm losing this job I'll have to get a seven figure salary job as consultancy in the finance business. You know what I mean? She's not going to fall for all this.

No. A million pound advance for my autobiography. Also I have to say... That wasn't my... I haven't had that. No, not yet. You're speaking in a strange manner. Not yet, dear. I can't imagine feeling more relaxed and calm in life

than if I had three or four fully armed bodyguards. Yeah. I mean, wouldn't life be great? You could go to any area of London you liked at any time of the night. Yeah, I might go and get a kebab from that place I wouldn't go in a million years normally, because I'd be too frightened. Let's get the Rolex on. Let's have a walk down Moped Avenue.

I would love it. I would. I mean, you've got to be relaxed. They're always there. I've been at the cricket with John Major. John Major was Prime Minister how long ago? Oh, yes. He's still got the two guys with the curly things coming out their ears.

And I don't mean hair. I mean those phones. They're with him forever. Brilliant. Yeah, that's great, isn't it? Who needs privacy? I'd rather have safety any time. Just write that down.

Yeah. I've got a pub I'm decorating. safety anytime. Just write that down. Yeah. I've got a pub I'm decorating. I want some quotes for the wall. It looks great as well, Al. Like, I just think, imagine going into the shops with, you know, the entourage. Yeah, they could.

You know when you want to buy a watermelon and you think, oh, it's too heavy to carry. You could just give it to one of those guys. Do you think they take that? I think they'd take a watermelon. They wouldn't take anything. They wouldn't be abused.

They couldn't have Ander McCartney milk, but they'd take a watermelon. What about when I'm going round Zara in the sale? If they take a bullet, they'd take a watermelon. Sorry. When you're going round Zara... In the sale, would they take, you know, a blouse? You're a part of the sales.

What is this? I know, but I've got to pretend to keep it real. So let's pretend, OK? So, no, but if I was tossing items their way, could you just do that? So would they take them, do you think? I think they'd eventually say, look, Mum, I need to be hands-free.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. In case I need to throw the shurikens or... Yeah, exactly. That's what Tony Blair's a bodyguard used to say. And he said, I've been trying to throw for years and it's like oh, gosh, it's like a limp it.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, we were talking about, by the way, I'm 61 and a half today.

Oh, congratulations. Yeah, I'm actually, that's it today. It's actually, exactly that. People never get a happy half a birthday, do they? Can you imagine Frank passing up that opportunity? No, not really. But at what age

do people start doing the half? I think about 13 and a half, isn't it? Okay, okay. Oh, yeah. Not you? No. Who was the guy, Adrian Mole, how old was he? Uh, 13 and three quarters? Yes, very good. Okay.

And that was, I suppose, comic because a kid that age wouldn't normally keep it. So, yeah. I'm sticking with it. I've decided. They were comic girls. I can't afford to play the long game at my age. So, yeah.

So, Theresa May got asked, as she's got such a stressful job... How does she unwind? How do you cope and how do you unwind? Did anybody see the video? Because I'm certain there was just a flickering moment where she considered saying, well, I'm not coping. And then just starting crying.

Yeah. I'm sure there was... That would be terrible. Oh, it would have been good telly, though. Yeah. I don't seem to really wind anymore what do you mean? in order to unwind it's hard

she doesn't strike me as the type I can't imagine her relaxing though she has the look of someone who might have tailored lounge wear tailored tracksuit how do you think? I can't imagine kicking their shoes off who might have sort of tailored lounge wear, you know, like tailored tracksuit. Oh, I'd like that. Oh, what do you think? Well, you know those people

that I can't imagine kicking their shoes off? I mean, they come round to yours, Frank, and he's got the socks up on the leather sofa. Yeah. I see you as very much someone who kicks their shoes off. It's odd, though, because I like that. You know those pictures of 1950s American families where the dad's wearing a jacket and a tie at the table and stuff?

I once went to Thanksgiving at a friend of mine, Tracey, who at the time was dating Loudon Wainwright III, the singer. And he did that. He cut the turkey, but he wore like a tweed jacket. Nice. Oh, OK. Yeah, but it's a bit, I mean, come on, you've got to get your lounge, you've got to crack out the loungewear.

Yeah, I don't really have loungewear. I bought you that nice NASA sweatshirt. I don't know. That is loungewear. I go out in that quite often. I didn't realise it was. Whoops. Awkward. It's a good way

it would be more awkward if she'd wanted me to go out that old thing I used to do the painting

you know when people say it would be alright to sleep in yeah yeah I mean a shroud

is alright to wear shorts around the house you pad around in shorts I have in recent in recent weathers.

I don't really have... I like shorts in winter even in the home. I'm fine with it. If I'm going to have a day in and I know I'm just not going out at all... What will you wear for your day in? Well, one thing I always wear is the white pants that David Gandhi

sent me because I wouldn't want to be out in white pants if you get run over. All right. I mean... I could try and pass them off as tie-dye, but I don't know who'd buy it. I'm sorry, everyone. Has it gone a bit...

Gross. Have we lost the daytime tone? Let's just reassemble. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Theresa May, she answered... Thanks for the tip. So, she answered the question,

what do you do to unwind? And she said, well, there are several things I like doing. Yes. And then she proceeded to answer in the way that I would answer that question if I was doing a French oral exam. Okay. Because I would stick to things that I knew how to talk about in French.

Okay. So she said, I like walking. Yeah. I like cooking. I would have said, j'aime faire. Yeah. I like cooking. I would have said, j'aime faire la cuisine. Oh, lovely. J'aime, is it marcher? J'aime marcher?

Anyway, but she did, it was a weird thing. And then she went on to say, I have over 150 cookbooks. The thing about this, though, it sounds like, when I first, I say left school, I left school the way I left Room 101. I was expelled from school. You weren't expelled from 101 if anyone's just tuned in. Well, the show was expelled.

Impossible. So I used to get those CV things that you're supposed to do and it had interests and sometimes you get them with job applications interests and i don't know but in the in the west midlands in the 70s people didn't have interest football yeah so they used to say, they'd say walking, cinema, you know what I mean? And I remember some animals. Animals? They had a dog that people had no interest in talking about. So they had to come up with really vague television,

watching television people would put. Watching television? Sometimes, Frank. We had that with pen pals, which became Watching television. Sometimes, Frank. We had that with pen pals, which became a thing. Oh, yeah. And with pen pals, you would say you'd list your hobbies. And one of them you'd always put was reading, writing letters. Yeah.

Writing letters. Can I do a question from a 43-year-old man? Sure. Is it acceptable nowadays to put reading on a CV? Because I remember reading being an interest that people put... Well, now it's a specialist art. You want to put it on now. It's like fire eating for the new generation.

Surely it's all like triathloning and skydiving and all that nonsense now. I bet you if I took you back to my old rose and asked the bit, I bet they'd still be saying animals. No, I mean, people now that are 18, when they start doing a CV, are they putting hobbies? Hobbies include reading.

No, they're doing wellness and... Wellness? I think it's more like the acaras. Yeah, spice. Spice? Yeah. Or maybe they just put it in a sort of, in a vague legal heist.

Cluster. I don't know. Sorry, I'm starting to sound like I'm 61 and a half. I was quite, I was sort of, you know, centre left until this morning. Welcome, 61 and a half, talking about young people and drugs. I mean, for goodness sake.

Although we are anti-drugs on Absolute Radio. That's clear. Yeah. Yeah. Am I right? Apparently, yeah, yeah. Where... Check the handbook.

I can't speak for the years. Where reality matters, I think. Isn't that our slogan on here? Yeah. Yeah. Come on, back me up. It used to be, listen to us for escapism, but now it's reality matters, isn't it?

Yeah, I think reality matters. That'd be good. That'd be a good slogan, wouldn't it? Reality matters. Yeah. Because people are always trying to get away from it. You just draw them back in. I'd like that as my stage name.

Reality matters. There probably is an American actress called Reality Matters. And she's gone out with Justin Bieber, briefly. Yeah, probably. Lucky her. And been treated like vermin. All right, not so lucky. I know, yeah.

Yeah, but still, that's a great story. Frank Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio Yeah we're still so Theresa May one of the things Cookbooks

about Theresa May Cooking the books how dare you she's got 150 cookbooks and you know my my view on the numerical lie,

which people always do. I said to you earlier... Do you remind people, Frank, what that is? The numerical lie is saying, yeah, I absolutely love Annie in the movie. I've seen it like 25 times. You've seen it seven times. Yeah.

And we all do it when I said I've done the one show probably 20 times have I done it 20 times? I might have done it 14 yeah the thing is if you round you always round up we'll check on IMDB so that it's a factual show I think it's because you think it makes

the excess makes you seem more interesting. Maybe, yes. It may need to seem more interesting. That's absurd. And also, having more cookbooks wouldn't make me think anyone was interested. Why did she say cookbooks?

That's her thing. She also did a thing that politicians do. You know when they're on question time and they think they're going to get a round of applause and they lean back as if here it comes and then it doesn't and they look terrified

for a split second. She did a version of that waiting for a laugh where she said I like to cook and that has the added benefit of you get to eat it. And she was expecting

a little chuckle. Yeah. She had material out. Yeah, what about the national obesity crisis layoff in Prime Minister? You get to eat it as well as make it. But the 150 cookbooks, she can't have...

How many do you think she's got? Well, 28. Hang on, hang on. I work out how many books are on a shelf. Oh. Depends on the shelf. I'm saying you're not going to get more than 20. So what I would say is no one's got seven shelves worth of cookbooks.

OK. What I would say is no one's got seven shelves worth of cookbooks okay what I would say is if someone had said when you called the election last time what did you imagine your majority would be after she did think 150 but there's no way she'd say well we didn't really think in terms of majority so why not go then to the showing off

about your cookbooks type mode? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. What do you think she's got? She'll have all the Jamie's. Oh, yeah. I think she's more of a Delia fan. Do you know when I interviewed her? Otto Lenge. Oh, my God.

She's got Otto Lenge. No, I think she always walked like that. I'm such a Frank Stiller. Piece of gold. It's a golden nugget. I interviewed Jamie Oliver, and as part of the interview, I cooked a cake from his book,

and it's the only time I've ever followed a recipe in my life. Colin, just so you know, people don't normally say cook a cake no it's true, no you say bake ok I baked a cake so I baked a cake and I I followed the

instructions exactly and something very strange happened to the cake and it's like the butter that I put in refused to take part in the experiment and it rose to the butter that I put in refused to take part in the experiment. And it rose to the top of the cake and formed a sort of a crust. I mean, a squidgy, sort of yellowy crust it formed on the top.

And when I got it out and showed it to Jamie on air, I honestly thought he might cry. And it was like his entire career was being challenged. And he said, no, you must have... No, you can't have... What did you do when you started asking me technical questions? And I said, honestly, I followed it to the letter. He said, no, you can't have it. And it was quite a big thing for him.

Frank Skinner in The Rogue Butter. That'll be one of his autobiography chapters. I've got two of his cookbooks. Me and Kath wouldn't look at a cookbook. They're in a cupboard that is never opened. We've got quite a few. We've got about ten. I reckon we've got twenty, maybe.

We've probably got fifteen when I'm talking to Dan. I can't be able to just tell the truth. I got Mrs Beaton's cookbook. Oh, yeah? She signed it for me. Because she's quite a popular figure on the S&M circuit. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had a message in about owls, Al. Oh, yeah. Owls or owls. To it. Lovely. Lovely bit of owl material there, Frank.

This is from at Owls of Bath. Oh, yeah. Hi, Frank. Re-owls. Oh, you've got to love an email that begins re-owls. Yeah. this is from at owls of bath oh yeah hi Frank re-owls you've got to love an email that begins re-owls yeah

they can turn their heads in case anyone's just tuned in we were talking about owls earlier but that won't surprise you they can turn their heads up to 270 degrees oh not the big

three six oh and have baggy arteries oh you'll like that Frank it was a Madness single. To their brains. It's the first draft. Baggy arteries to their brains

so they don't get snagged as they turn their heads. Oh, I see. 82 super-sized decorated owls are currently nesting on the streets of Bath. 82? Oh, no, but that'll be... You're sure it's not 23? You know when cities...

Come on. Cities have, like, colourful hippopotamuses all over the town designed by, I think, you know, people. Yeah. I mean, looking at these owls here,

what they need is a belt. That would sort them out. Just to give them a bit of definition. Yeah, you probably said that'd be good. What do you need? I mean, I do still style.

You know, I don't work for a fashion magazine anymore, but I'd like to give the owl a makeover. Maybe a choker. Yeah. You don't want to restrict the 270? No. No.

It'd be great. I'm not very good at parking, but if I had the 270-degree turn on my head, I think I'd be a lot better. Yeah. Really, really lucky. Would you need a rear-view mirror if you was an owl? No.

Also, and I don't want to be vulgar, but occasionally in life, one is sat upon the toilet and the toilet roll is directly behind the head on the... Yeah, that can happen. And it can be quite a twist in motion. It's quite useful to be able to go, oh there it is. It's fine. No, no, you're right.

And if you're on a tandem No, anyway, let's stop Let's stop now with the whole nonsense. We've also, we've had a fair amount of correspondence regarding cookbooks because we were discussing Theresa May's I'm going to say it, boast or claim that she earns regarding cookbooks because we were discussing Theresa May's I'm going to say it, boast or claim that she owns

150 cookbooks I wish someone had said, name them That's what I would have added in the House of Commons You compared it to I own 150 cookbooks Don't have happened, somebody would have done that You compared it to a quite commonplace rounding up, like if you were to say,

oh, I've been on the one show 20 times, when actually it's perhaps 12. 512 was emailed, according to IMDB, Frank Skinner has been on the one show seven times. So you rounded up your rounding up. But does that include this week? Oh.

Okay. Doesn't mention that. I don't know how sharp they are, but even so, yeah, I thought it was more than that. 618 has said, Frank and the team... Yeah, but is it 618 or is it about 537? 618 has said, Frank and team, I easily have 150 cookbooks

I think this is easily possible for the Prime Minister but why shouldn't they start doubling up well I have a theory about this

I'm not buying it I have a theory about this and I think people who have only one interest shouldn't throw stones shouldn't throw stones

I love that saying I think people that have only got one interest receive a lot of that. Like if I was buying you a gift and you were only interested in Doctor Who instead of, say, literature or Catholicism or whatever else, I would only buy you Doctor Who stuff.

So you'd easily hit 150. And they are very gift-gifty, aren't they? And I've got a suspicion Theresa May has no other interests. And so people just always buy her a cookbook. What about current affairs? Maybe she's hard to buy for, yeah. I suppose current affairs books, people think she can nick them from work.

Yeah. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. 514 has texted in, which I think is what Emily was to be heard saying. Oh, that's funny, as you raised the mics just then. It's morning, chaps.

Read the 270. I'm assuming that's the degrees that the owl's neck will turn. I think he said 270. Yeah, it sounds like some oppressed people. I might have talked it up a bit. It might have been like 180. No, the 270. I hate to knock the ability of our feathery friends, but I've just

calibrated myself. Me too. It's a good start, isn't it? I've just calibrated myself using the plastic protractor I've previously had no use for. I have to say, doing the 270 isn't that difficult or impressive. Silent flight far more so. My

endeavours in this direction have been thus far not good. That's Neil from Penge. I like that doing the 270 is a thing now. I want, I'd love to know what Neil's noisy flight is like. Well, I think I can get, I'm just

going to do a bit of... For a human, Neil has a very flexible neck. He's going to do the 270. Can we do it to the tune of Do The Hustle? You might think that this is a quite bad microphone technique, but I'm going to try doing the 270. Not bad on that side, although you're moving your torso. You could have told me I had dandruff. And also, you never mentioned the spinal curvature.

And what a bad name. So, yeah. 496. Maybe this will be the final piece of owl news. But an owl would look good in a belt. 496 agrees. Yeah. But wouldn't the belt have to go over his wings?

It would, yeah. If so, how would he get back into the tree? How would he get back into the tree? I he get back into the tree i'm thinking with the what do you mean how would he get back into the i know he could go under his wings yeah i think so oh i would even have a sort of yeah i would have a trump lawyer effect even google it trump yeah trick of the eye so i'd paint on the belt. Oh, I see. He just needs something. Or she to distract from... It's not your rotund area. Owls can be ladies too, yeah? I mean, to their credit, I think they don't have the slim waist and all that,

but they've often got a thigh gap. The owls? Yeah. Oh, thigh gap. They've got little Zola Bud legs. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm starting to think they're quite hot. And be Andy if they could turn their head to her in 70 degrees.

Okay, okay. She could continue the conversation. Okay, let's keep it nice. Okay. Shall we make it nice? Can you help me out? Because there's one thing that's mysterious. Not if you're going to go around saying that it's dead.

I'm not. I, the... Come on. Theresa May thing. Yes. There was a bit of it which was a complete mystery to me. And she said she loved, one way she unwinds is um watching ncis oh yes she loves that now i i didn't know what it was so i i i wikipedia'd ncis did you and it said it was a a crime show

um with nay navy navy themes is it yeah and I thought what kind of a crime show is that with Navy yeah this week there's been a sail by shooting obviously quite a lot

of sob plots yeah oh very good yeah but what is it then how does it work Navy Criminal Investigation Service

is that what it stands for yeah and they called it originally the Naval NCIS. And then someone pointed out well, you can't say that. No. That sounds like it's going to be about fluff. And people think NCIS is like the chemical term

for how it's formed from the bodies. Have you ever seen NCIS? I've never had no idea what it was. It's been running for about, is it 16 years or something? Yeah, I saw that one when they had a serial killer called the Boson Burner. How many crimes are there in the Navy? Well, you know what it is...

8, 12, 15. How many crimes are there in the Navy? Blue murder. Yeah. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio. Yeah, we were discussing NCIS. Yeah, completely new to me.

It's evaded me totally. I mean, I've only caught brief moments of it. And I've got to be moments of it and I've got to be straight. It hasn't been enough to lure me in, to keep me in the naval camp. Navy themed crime Well yeah they don't even wear the bret on top. I thought they'd have a

sailor pant and a bret on top. But it's modern is it? There's a lot of hook killings The sort of thing they say when I the sort of brief experience I've had of it, it was someone saying, you're playing a very risky game, Commander. Yeah, but they say that in every...

Commander, they say. Oh, that's like something from Stingray. Hi, my old man, Commander. Is it a lot of speaking to people that are distracted because they're looking at one of those green maps with a little beeping, glowing dot on it. A friend of mine once said that was the deal breaker.

If she saw a movie and she heard the periscope noise, she'd be like I can't watch it. There used to be a thing called voice. You know voice at the bottom of the sea which is set in a submarine. You used to have that. I like that.

Yeah. Richard Beysart, David Hedison. Those were glory days. Mentioning all the greats this morning. The days when American drama was worth watching. So, what else? Well, I'm getting in some lovely pictures of owls here this morning. Oh, nice. There's some owls. owls here this morning. Oh, nice.

There's some owls. Funny this was a TV show. Can you describe them? Yeah, I can, actually. Some pictures of someone suggesting they're wearing garters. Oh, there is an element of that. They're a bit like the old sock flaps that Leeds United used to wear in the 70s. Do you remember those?

The tabs. Yeah. Lovely. 391 has said, Hill Street Blues also had a Navy theme. Hill Street Blues. Oh, I get it. 038, re-NCIS. Was it on Sky?

Oh. Do-do-do. Re-NCIS 038 says, what about Pirates? Oh, I suppose that's a lot of piracy that's a lot of stuff yeah

I don't know they're not what they were are they pirates? they've moved online haven't they? DVDs and all that they've let all the old traditions go they don't know

you don't get the hooks and the peg legs and that they're just like blokes in t-shirts and jeans yeah rubbish they used to they used to have such a pride in their appearance.

Yeah. That's why you don't get so many films about them and stuff anymore. We should say... Pirate videos. On the subject, just going back to NCIS, one of the stars of the show, who's called Dwayne Henry... Oh, yeah. And he's from Birmingham, actually, Frank.

He is. Birmingham, England. Yes, I know you get excited when a Brummie pops up. And he said, well, you'll know a lot about naval crimes. He said he was quite blown away. No, he said it was quite humbling. Yeah, well, let's not go into it. What about a Grummie?

What was humbling? He said it was quite humbling to hear that. He didn't say, wow, to hear that Theresa May, sorry, was a fan of NCIS. Oh, I see. But I like the way he phrased it. He didn't say, wow, that's extraordinary. He went, it's quite humbling.

He also said during his interview, rummies get on with everyone. Do they? Yeah. What do you say to that? I've heard some thoughts. I think that's generally true. I mean,

I have seen some hitting each other very hard. But I think that's more of a blip. I watched two women fight outside a pub once and one had got

hoop earrings on. The other one just ripped them straight out. Oh, I knew you were going to tell us that. I know, yeah. I'd rather just have it implied. Okay. Sorry. She had hoop earrings on. The other one just ripped them straight out. Oh, I knew you were going to tell us that. I know, yeah. I'd rather just

have it implied. Okay. Sorry. She had hoop earrings on and... At the start. Yeah. And then she didn't have them on at the end. And also had a raggedy nature to her appearance. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, it was quite shocking.

All these blokes were around, because it was two women fighting in those days. They were going, wee, wee, and then the earrings came off and they went, oh, God! Blech! Oh, no, too much. Sorry, little vignette from my past there, ladies and gentlemen. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, can I briefly just share with you a letter that we received this morning? Is it from the German Chancellor, Herr Hitler? No. He said there might be peace in our time. I thought that could be the second item on the news, if that's OK. This is from Colin Project. He says, Dear Frank... No, hold on, does he work on a thing called the Colin Project?

Merber? Oh, yeah. No, he's just called himself Colin Project. I like Sir Grides, don't I? Yeah, I hope it isn't him. He says... Could it be Colin Project? Very quiet spoken bloke.

Yes. Oh, that'd be unfortunate. While visiting the National Radio Centre at Bletchley Park a few months ago, a kind chap there told me that the bub-da-bub, bub-da-bub sound you hear from other things when your phone is about to get an SMS message. Oh, yeah. We know what we need. Yeah.

How would you do it, Al? Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Yeah, yeah. Frank, how do you do it? Ah! Actually, it might be that. Yeah, yeah. Frank, how do you do it? Sounds like you're waking up on the Central Reservation in the 80s. That's checking the top off, top away. I just cut the lid off this top away.

Okay. Okay. Well, yeah, so the SMS message, we know what we mean here. Colin continues, it's actually Morse code for the letters SMS. It's not. What you talking about, project? Also, Frank mentioned last week a time... Well, I know what S is because it's dot, dot, dot. You know what SM is.

No, but we very rarely use Morse code. There's no tapping in the SM community. So SOS is da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Oh, nobody's just turned off. I don't want firemen kicking the doors in. We don't want anyone involved in a naval crime. So S is dot, dot, dot. So it does start, doesn't it?

Yeah, and ends presumably because S is at the end. Yeah, I think it might be true. That's what I think. I believe it more than 150 cookbooks. Do you? Can I? Colin continues or rounds off his letter. I like that he sent us a letter, very traditional.

Frank mentioned last week a time before everyone had a TV in every room. It reminded me of a lad at school in the 80s who would always tell everyone they had eight TVs in his house. Everyone was always very impressed. What he failed to mention was that his mum ran a B&B. Onwards and upwards, Colin. There you go. Thank you, Colin. There used to be one telling, you couldn't go

in the other rooms, they're too cold. Yeah. What else? Well, discussed in the past, 381 has texted a little earlier, but I don't think we should ignore it. Hi Frank, Emily and Al, whatever happened to UFO sightings? I think they're still alive and well.

I don't think you get so many in the paper on that as you used to. You used to say like there was nine phone calls to the police in Harrogate about a... It was a cigar shaped light in the sky. You should mention Harrogate because I recently did a gig in Todmorden

in West Yorkshire and one of the other acts on the bill is a UFO interested person and he said to the guy running the gig oh you know this is a UFO hotspot Todmorden is it really? apparently

I had no idea that's an administrative error amongst the Martians maybe all of the UFO sightings that 381 is wondering where have they gone yeah Todmorden they've gone to Todmorden and we're not hearing about them so they're still Maybe all of the UFO sightings that 381 is wondering where have they gone. Todmorden.

They've gone to Todmorden and we're not hearing about them. So they're still, I'm sure they're still active. What I would ask is anyone involved in this not to contact us in any way. You don't want to be bothering. You don't want the aliens to finally get in touch and you're engaged. So, yeah, let's, you just keep that little theory to yourself. You know who's obsessed by those is Robbie Williams. He is. But we'll get to that. No, he is. He's absolutely

obsessed by UFOs. Danny Dyer is. I think he believes in UFOs. I saw him do a documentary about it. Honestly. Really? Yeah. And he was saying, well, they're up there. He was talking about it as if it was some

West Ham fans waiting behind a pub. Yeah, but he seemed very convinced. Well, we've all been convinced by things to get a TV job. You prefer to believe

in the flat earth? Yeah, I know what somebody like. Yeah, true. But, yes, but I can say if you do believe in the flat Earth. Yeah, and also money like. Yeah, true. But, yes, but I could say if you do believe in it, no contact with us.

Don't waste your time with terrestrials. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Thank you. I'm missing the hot weather.

Oh, yeah? I think it's coming back, though. I'm missing the hot weather. Are you? I think it's coming back, though. I like it. That was quite traditional radio. It's coming home. I've just looked out the window. It looks all right again. Yeah, but it won't be.

We won't see 33 again, I don't think. I certainly won't. Hope I do, but it won't be my age. Can we talk about... I mentioned Robbie Williams earlier. He did. Now... The Robster, as I think he's sometimes called.

He has got a new gig. He has. Have you heard about this? You can't live off World Cup opening ceremonies. No. I mean, it's too sparse. No. Father Christmas gets more work than people who sing at World Cup opening ceremonies. No. I mean, it's too sparse. No. Father Christmas gets more work

than people who sing at World Cup opening ceremonies. True enough. Yeah. They've got a two-for-one. I don't know if it was two-for-one. I think they've both negotiated their contracts individually.

But it's Robbie and his wife, is it Ada or Ida Field? And they're both going to be on the X Factor panel. Simon Cowell, an old friend of the show, says he wanted an optimistic panel. That's how he described it. OK, that's to make him look more dark and negative, isn't it?

Yeah. I mean, I'm not sure that's worked, because Robbie has sort of let the cat out of the bag as to why he's done it, hasn't he, with a kind of a cheeky joke. What did he say? He was asked, why have you become a judge on X Factor on this series when you've turned it down on other series?

And he said, millions. There are literally millions of reasons why I've done this series. Yeah, but that might be a bit 150 cookbook. Do you think? Yeah. You think actually he's getting equity minimum and some free fruit in the dressing room. Actually, the equal pay would be a bit tricky,

wouldn't it, with him and the wife? Yeah. I love your him and the wife material. It adds an extra tension to it, doesn't it? Because they're liable, you know, to the pillow talk. If Willie says, still, you know, never mind,

300 grand a week, and she says, what? Do you think they're just saving on cars? Maybe. Because it can be very handy having them coming in together. And dressing rooms. Yeah, true enough, they could share. Simone Cowell said, after the signing, I'm not overselling this

when I say this has been one of the best days of my life. Huh? Just so you know, this man's had a child. So there you go. Yeah. But what do you think

about those two being on the panel together? Would you do that with Kath? No. Okay. Me and Kath have been invited onto the odd celebrity family fortunes. Are you being great on that? No, but she's very, Me and Kath have been invited on to the odd celebrity family fortunes.

Are you being great on that? No, but she's very, always been, not even considered it. Right. And, yeah, so I'm pretty certain that that, I mean, if I say to her, do you want to come and see, like King Lear we went to the other night, and I said, do you want to come to King Lear? And she said, no, definitely not.

And I said, it's not the press night. She said, oh, yeah, I'd love to. Yeah, okay, yeah. It's just all that stuff. Respect. But I don't really know. Is the wife, forgive me for not knowing this. Is the wife? But is the wife a celebrity in her own right?

What does she do? Let me put it this way. Is she in? It's NCIS. I think she has. I'm not doing it down. I'm sure the fans of hers think she's great,

but I think she has a shorter Wikipedia page than I do. What is her profession, though? She's a loose woman. Oh. She's on Loose Women. She was an actor.

I should have said that differently. She's on Loose Women. She was an actor in, I think she's Turkish, actually, but she was in... She's played Jason the Asthmatic in A&E about 20 years ago. Look, we've all been actors on this show. Young Susan in Dare the Triffids. We've all had our moments as actors,

but if someone said, what do you do for a living, would we say actor? No. Would we buffalo? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Very quick, Correzione, from

Clive Silas, one of our regulars. Okay. Colin Morse, who sent us, do you remember that letter about SMS? Colin Project. Yes, Colin Project, exactly. He calls him Morse for SMS. It's talking about the actual alert noise. You guys are talking about the buzzing noise in a loudspeaker

not connected to the phone getting the message. Colin is confused. Yeah, he's got... That's what he's talking about. Oh, right. So that's why it is SMS. The alert, the text alert. OK, apologies for any confusion.

Yes, but I'm glad we've cleared it up. I don't want to set people off into the dark night without misinformation. And I don't think we've just cleared it up. I think it's both cleared it up and it's interesting. Yeah. And Colin is Confused sounds like a great 70s play. Yeah, it does. Yes.

It does. I like Colin is Confused. Perhaps about the elderly. I like it. Can we get back to Robbie Williams briefly sure can I say one thing in his defence

I once went to a game of beat the intro do you know that when you play the start of a song you have to guess what it is before it's the first one

to guess it before the lyrics a little bit like name that tune or something yeah you have to get in right

quickly before the lyrics start then it's devoy and so if I played... You might go... I'm the tiger. Yeah. Some people might need...

They might need that. I'm the tiger. Yeah, good. And I played that at Siobhan Faye's house from Bananarama with... Shakespeare's sister. And Robbie was one of... She's not that old.

Robbie was one of the people playing the game and he was really good on music. And he also, he was singing about the place and he was singing lots of sort of 60s soul and stuff. So I think he's a proper music fan. Yes. Well, that'll make a change on that panel, eh? Yeah. it will.

Well, it's nice to have one. They've got a one direction. They've got a Louis Tomlinson. Uh-huh. And then obviously Simone. Look, Louis definitely. I wonder what Simon's going to wear for the big night. You never know, do you, what the outfit's going to be with Simon.

I think it'll be a white open neck shirt. I think it might go black this season. Jeans a touch too high. Yeah. They've upgraded their Louis. I'm fed up with this. It's like an oven cloth. This one's all burnt and ragged around.

Let's get a new Louis. It'll be through next season. Oh, Louis II, that's what they'll call him on there. Oh, very good. Yeah, I think... I mean, I really like Robbie Williams. Yeah? Yeah, I do.

He seems a laugh as well. Yeah. Which I think could I mean, I really like Robbie Williams. Yeah? Very. I do. He seems a laugh as well. Yeah. Which I think could be good telly. But I'm hoping he doesn't sing Let Me Entertain You, which I always felt was a song that was written just for a sort of video montage on the telly. And it's, you know, we are the champions. Oh, God, yeah.

Always written for the most cynical reasons and thinking there'll be a lot of royalties on this because they'll always use it on video packages. Search for the Hero. The World Snooker. We're not playing it next, are we? No, no, that would be. I'm not saying it's not a great song.

I'm saying it's used for all the wrong reasons. So, OK, well, thank you so much for listening as we come to the end of the show. Do tune in to Radio 4 at quarter past six tonight and you can hear me plogging the death of Room 101 on loose ends.

Yeah, I'm on the crumbling career tour, as I'm calling it at the moment. Be back again this time next week. Be seeing you. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8.

Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.