The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - The Abuse Of The Fork

Episode Date: January 14, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Divine Miss Em and The Cockerel and Frank is annoyed by a particular food habit. The team talk same dress meltdowns, Henry VIII and get the low down on an Absolute grappling session.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our little show on 8, 12, 15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show for the Absolute Radio website, the web-seat. I like a web-seat. I imagine a a web seat is something that Spider-Man makes. If there's a small gap between two buildings, he makes like a small bottock hammock which he sits in to rest. Yeah.

Certainly does. I have an image I might have seen him doing that at some point. You know those 60s swinging chairs that people used to sing that were suspended? Know them? That was our life when I was growing up. Yeah, I think Spider-Man can knock one of those up in seconds for a mid-building siesta. Anyway, good morning, everyone who's kind enough to listen this morning. And good morning to you guys. Morning.

Morning, Frank. I've done my Friday night troll. Oh, yeah? And I've got a little middle lane justice email to bring to your attention. Middle? Oh, yes. Remember we discussed in, I would say, forensic detail about middle lane, first lane and overtaking lane drivers last week? Yeah, I sort of have regret for it now because it's the sort of thing that they might discuss.

There was some disagreement over it. Well, I've brought it up already. And we shouted fake news at them. I don't know if it's a cutting sort of thing that they might discuss. There was some disagreement over it and we shouted fake news at them. I don't know if it's a cutting edge enough topic for us to discuss. There may be an opportunity to shout fake news again. Terrible organisation. Next. Hi Frank in the show. I'm currently in Southampton visiting my girlfriend Ella

as it's her birthday. I travelled here from Loughborough where I currently reside as a student on my drive. Sporty. Sporty, yeah. Oh, God, he'll be sporty. He'll have gel in his hair. What? He'll have a Fred Perry top.

On my drive... I like him. I like the sound of him. So do I. On my drive, whilst I was respectively driving in the correct driving lane, I witnessed a gentleman get pulled over by an undercover police car for driving in the middle lane unnecessarily. Can we just have a 20 second break for the

hotness of the undercover policeman? Yeah. Have an undercover? I've never seen that happen. I fancy him, the undercover cop. I fancy him. I don't even know who he is. I've never seen that happen. It should happen all the time. You have seen it happen. You just didn't know because he was undercover. Well, I've never seen anyone pulled

over from the middle lane. He says, having witnessed this, I couldn't help but think of the show. So it was worth doing last week. I want a round of applause for the police. One of my favourite topics ever for a round of applause. Especially the undercover ones. Yes. Something very alluring about them.

I met a bloke in the Cheltenham town centre. He went, oh, Frank Skinner, how you doing? I said, oh, you know, and he said, I'm wired. I'm wired at the moment. I'm an undercover policeman. And he said, look, and he just opened his shirt a bit and showed me a bit of wiring and stuff inside. Turn out he was a droid.

Oh, no, he wasn't. It was me just acting the goat. Anything else in the trawl? Anton would just like to say to Alan it was great meeting you on Thursday at York. Great. And I was complimenting you on your show. The play's redacted, obviously.

Oh, good. If you could contact Alan directly rather than using us. No, that's nice. That's nice, isn't it? I met a bloke who said to me, this was at, I was at Prynush Abbey in Gloucestershire. Right. And the bloke who worked there said to me,

whoa, Frank Skinner, he said, I met Peters and Lee. Do you know who Peters and Lee are? Oh, I was obsessed by Peters and Lee. They were a double act from, I mean, from the 70s, would they be? They were from the 70s. He had vision problems. He was blind.

I think you can still say that. Donald Trump did that. I'm excited. Can I just say one thing about Donald Trump? I watched that press conference, and there was one thing he said that really, I know he might lead to Armageddon,

Donald Trump, but I think there's going to be plenty of laughs on the way. That's what we're after. Look on the bright side. He said, he was on about,

he said, now that was a big story. That was the biggest story in the history of stories. I did. I really like... What a great book title. Oh,

The History of Stories. I'd buy that. The Biggest Story in the History of Stories, WH Smith, 599. You're going back a bit, The History of Stories. Yeah. It doesn't sound like a boffin, though, does it? It doesn't sound like a history boffin.

The Biggest Story in the History of Stories. I really liked it. I'm sure I'll quote him on that more than once. I think he's basically two or three quotes every speech. Brilliant. Yeah. But I like the idea of just, you know, finding fault with organisations

by saying terrible organisation. Fair enough. I'm going to start doing that. Yeah, me too. You know, when the RAC drive passed on the motorway, just wearing the window down, piping and saying, terrible organisation.

Next. Okay, anyway, we need to play music ok let's go for it it's in my brief yeah shall we play the biggest song in the history of songs

what I really want to play is Peterson Lee but of course I don't have that sign of change of music at my fingertips but we'll come back to Peterson Lee

and we need to talk about him they were a phenomenon Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. It's 2017.

It's a commercial breakfast radio show. I think there's only one thing to talk about, and that's Peters and Lee. Oh, yes, of course. So this guy said, Peters and Lee were a double act. They won Opportunity Knox. And he was a big black shades he used to wear

and she was like a delicate blonde she was the 70s ideal woman really and their big hit was welcome home welcome anyway so this guy said this guy said to me so I met

I met Peter and, I met Peterson Lee once, he said, but you've meeting you, that's knocked them off the top spot. Oh, nice. Of these famous people. Now, bear in mind, Lenny Peters died in the early 90s. Did he? So, they must have

had that top spot. I felt awful. No. Do you remember Bob Beeman's long jump record? Oh, yeah, yeah. Plasted for about, it might still be, I think somebody did beat it after about 30 years. You sort of don't want to be the bloke who breaks that record because they've been there so long.

They had a long stretch, didn't they? Yeah, so I feel bad now about what I've done to Peters and Lee. I'm more curious as to how he didn't meet anybody more famous than Peters and Lee in that time. I know, it's incredible. Just moving about. I mean, I know he lives in Gloucestershire, but even so, there's quite a lot of celebrities. He must have seen something.

I think Kate Winslet had a place in Gloucestershire. And, you know, it's the sort of people, people move to the Gottswalds. And there's all sorts wandering around. Reality stars these days. Yeah, it's really, it's almost like he's been deliberately avoiding people. Yeah. So anyway, it's nice to be on top of someone's chart. Well, here's the question.

So when was this conversation, this character? Oh, this would be just around the new year. Oh, okay. I'm just wondering if you've been toppled subsequently. Oh, yeah, that... This character. Just around the new year. Oh, OK. I'm just wondering if you've been toppled subsequently. Oh, yeah, that's possible. It'd be unlikely. Unless they like bosses,

you know, celebrities. They all come in a block like that. Brandon Block. They are in my bedroom. Brandon Block. Well, Brandon Block, not me often. No.

He's left the Celebrity Big Brother house, Brandon Block. Yes, everyone has, haven't they? Yeah. Anyway, you has, haven't they? Yeah. Anyway, you heard it here first. This is me scratching, can you hear that? Yeah, it's lovely. Oh, that's good.

It's his armpit we should just clarify for the listenership. Yeah, you know, I mean, we can relax here, can't we? We're amongst friends. To a degree. Okay. What degree can we relax to?'re amongst friends. To a degree. Okay. What degree can we relax to? 8, 12, 15? Well, yeah.

No, no, sorry. As good a texter as any. Yeah. Oh, I've got... There's something I would like to talk about, so brace yourselves, texters. I've become very, very aware... You can get my medication.

I've become aware of the eating habits of others. I'll give you some details of one particular thing. So, yeah, I don't know how you describe this phenomenon. There might be a name for it. But when I eat the fork, you know, that popular cutlery item, the fork, seems to me to be saying to you from its design, there are two basic methods of eating with meat. You can prong stuff, if prong is a verb.

So actually stick it in and eat it like that. Yeah. Or because of the curvature of it, you can use it as a scoop for something that's not too liquefied. Stab or scoop. That's the first thing I thought when you said the fork. Exactly. I've noticed more and more people who turn the fork the other way up.

And then they go around the plate with it like it was some sort of hoover. And they press with their knife bits of food against the back of the fork. That is so unacceptable. Two or three different types of food and then eat it like that. They're stacking. But on the back of the fork

everything about the fork says forget the back. Don't worry about the back. This is why I'm here. So you mean upwards from... What it means... So they're pointing down. So not only do you get

the pointing out, you can hear that, you know that sound of fork against plate? You can hear the fork against plate. I know these people. I think I might do this.

I might be with one of these guys. Don't get me started. Really? I think I might. Do you hold knife like pen because I want you out? No.

It's about pushing. It's a form of kettling. You know the thing the police do? They're kettling the food. Oh, they're squirrelling it away. If they were getting them to the base of a bridge, that's what it works like. And then, so they lift it up.

Everything about the fork is saying, I can't handle this. I'm not built to take food on the back of me. If this falls off, it's your fault. Also... I can't's your fault. Also... I can't carry your load. Let's eat one piece of food at a time, if we want to taste it.

Oh, you've gone very zen, haven't you? Suddenly we're all about mindfulness. Well, look, there's a reason... So what sort of food... The fruit pastels... Well, fruit pastels are stacked, right? Yeah. So you take a green one, you eat that.

And then you take a red one, you eat that. You don't... You don't say, I'll have a bit of this green one a bit of this black one a bit of this nobody does that no have some food then you taste that food and then you go somewhere elsewhere on the plate you go searching they might sometimes these characters frank they might use the fork which inevitably they've they've they might use a knife i'm sorry which inevitably they've held like a pen at some point.

Yeah. To dip into some sort of sauce on the plate and then wipe it on the fork before placing the entire load in the mouth. Well, I mean, I don't even want to... As people in offices say, don't go there. But that thing, the sound of it, the impracticality of it, the sound of it, the impracticality

of it, the abuse of the fork. I don't know who designed the fork. 8-12-15. Why were you talking about knife and fork etiquette? I mean, this is beyond etiquette, isn't it? What you're talking about. This goes into a whole other area. It's a method.

Isn't that good manners, though, to put your food on top of your fork? I thought that was good manners. That's what the etiquette people want. They don't want area. It's a method. Isn't that good manners, though, to put your food on top of your fork? I thought that was good manners. That's what the etiquette people want. They don't want you using it as a scoop. But is that the top of your fork, or is it the bottom of your fork? Also, Alan... I think good manners people don't want you using it as a scoop.

Also, Aladdin, your whole line of... Your whole tone seems to belong to someone who actually does do this. Wouldn't you suggest that? I think I might. I know. Well, I used to take... We had an old-age pensioner live next door when I was a kid. Congratulations.

Daisy Weston. And we used to send her a Sunday lunch round, or Sunday dinner, as we called it in those days, right? So I would take the Sunday lunch. I'd carry it round to her house. We'd try not to drip the gravy off the edge of the plate. When I walked into the house, she was sitting there with a big spoon waiting for her.

And she did the whole thing with a spoon. Legend! Yeah, exactly. And you know what? That, to me, is preferable to people using the back of the fork. I thought you gave me a stare there as you said that. Have you ever seen a Wild West train? And they have those things on the front

that are supposed to move cattle and that off the track. It's that method. If that came with an enormous rail knife... Frank, how stacked... I mean, you've got to admire the confidence and optimism, and I'm going to go so far as to say courage of these people, raw courage, because they're very perilous, sometimes, these foodstuffs on the floor.

They could go at any moment. No, they're not supposed to sit there, but what they end up doing, these people, is they crouch over the plank to reduce the distance. They peter, they do. Yeah, and then, I mean, it starts to look like some sort of medieval feast. Anyway.

It's great, it's making me hungry. Where do we stand on people that cut spaghetti? Oh. Well, I think we'll come back. We've had a message in from 339. Speaking as an overweight gentleman, using the back of the fork, it's nearer to the mouth. Is it?

That's a very interesting rationale. OK. It depends how you're holding the fork, I suppose. OK. I mean, it's not a big distance. I just think if you're an overweight man, let's say you take a large mouthful, I mean, I'm generalising.

Yeah. You're going to get more in a scooping situation than you are in the Wild West train front. Even more if it goes with the elderly neighbour spoon technique. Just switch to a spoon. But I'm looking forward to that spoon technique. Around the same time I start visiting the I Have Given Up clothes shop, where everything is elasticated

from the back of a Sunday supplement, I will be using the spoon to eat all my food. Well, I think it's all right for you, your mashed potato and stuff. When you get your slice of steak, whatever it is, beef, then suddenly it's a balancing act. With a findus pre-prepared, it doesn't matter.

It wasn't a findus pre-prepared. It was good home cooking. Calm down. You sure was a fine meal. Where do we stand on cutlery hitting teeth? Because I've been accused by my wife of having an increasing habit of doing that. That's horrible. When you said that phrase, cutlery hitting teeth.

I think it's hot food. I think I'm worried about like soup or whatever I've zapped for lunch. And so I'm kind of going around the hot food and hitting a bit of four or five. What do you mean zapped? Is this in a microwave? No, no. Terrible organisation. I don't. I don't use microwaves. Terrible organisation. I don't. I don't use microwaves.

Terrible organisation. They're really good. Fake news. We weren't allowed when we were younger. Cutlery on teeth. Like, people would put the fork in and then they'd close the teeth on the fork. I must admit, I've been doing that a lot more since she's been complaining about it. Yeah.

I've been... Jason... Just slightly turning it up. Jason has been in touch and says, I use the back of the fork to pick up the little bits of biscuit base from the cheesecake.

Oh. You can't leave any behind. That's a good shout. They are fiddly, those bits. Well, the back, is the back of the fork the wine though? Surely you can scoop them up.

Really? I mean, I was never convinced that the removal of cattle by the train with the, in the wild west. You and that train. They must have to slow the removal of cattle by the train in the Wild West. You and that train. Shut up about the train.

I've been watching a lot of cowboy films this week again. I've always got one going in my head. It's Winchester 33 at the moment, James Stewart. Nice. Mary, don't you remember me? Very good. There's all the voices. Absolute history. One's all the voices. Absolute history, ladies and gentlemen.

One of a thousand voices. Monica has been in touch and says, I'm enjoying the fork link very much. Oh, nice. Can we have more of Frank's opinion about basic cutlery, please? What's his favourite? What's my favourite cutlery? Oh, that's a...

Well, I don't... I mean, it wouldn't be the fork. OK. The fork, I don't know. I mean, it wouldn't be the fork. OK. The fork, I think... I don't think they've really followed through with the health and safety on a fork. I think there's too many dangers. Where's the knife?

Well, again, a bit sharp, but the spoon... I tell you what I do. When I'm collecting meal at a buffet, I call it meal. I mean, a meal. I don't mean meal at a buffet. I call it meal. I mean a meal. I don't mean some animal trough. But when I'm going for a meal at a buffet, I always put my cutlery in the top pocket of the jacket.

Do you? Yeah. What the? Yeah, I mean, while it's clean, you know, and then I queue up. And I see, I sometimes see catering staff. Where the pocket kerchief goes. Yeah.

Yeah. It'll tuck in behind the kerchief. Go hands free. I'm sure it will, but that doesn't mean you should put it there. Where do you put it? In my hands. No, but I've got my plates. On a tray.

It also appears to be Cornish. On a tray. I've got my plates. Why don't you just place it, do you place it on the plate? Yeah, or on a tray tray if I've got a tray tray's a good idea another great idea from Alan tray bon

we can't top that this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio what on earth were we talking about? I think there was a tease from Emily about, don't get me started, about people who cut spaghetti. Oh, yes. Others agree with me.

Yeah. I mean, it's the worst. It's the absolute worst. 729 has said people who cut spaghetti with a knife are peasants. Oh, come on now. I'm just reporting it. Don't shoot the messenger. Fake news.

Fake news. It's a grape of the plate when they do it. They do it very aggressively in the manner of someone with a machete going through undergrowth. It can be a nightmare, that spaghetti, let's be fair. No, it's not a nightmare. The first time I went out with a middle-class person, I went to their house and they gave me spaghetti.

I thought, this is a test, isn't it? And I got the bay leaf. Oh. And I ended up eating it. Oh. You didn't. Well, I had no idea what you're supposed to do with a bay leaf. That's so adorable.

Oh, no, but it was. I was like, you know when you see those, you might see an alpaca. It's this film of Peru, and they're doing that chewing that goes on for ages, rising and falling. It was like that. Sort of brittle.

I can believe that. So how do we all, I presume we all do, you get the spoon and the fork goes against you, twist it around. Just twist that spoon around. I've never done the fork against spoon twist What do you do? Do you slurp? I think I just get as close to it as I can

I think in the end I don't need cutlery I could just do it with a sharp in breath Okay Well that's favourable to the knife method You're like a cartoon aren't you? You just get one strand of spaghetti and just the whole bowl comes up What I like

I like penne What I do with the penne is I go in with the fork and I'll get three or four lined up on the prongs with the penne and they're coming at me like a sort of slimy pan pipe. Like a hand. What about, this is back in the 90s, and I was on a date with a man

and he said, yes, I'll have the pen, please. Oh. Game over. Absolute game over. Yeah. Never, ever call him again. He wasn't just signing the bill. You weren't even there for dessert, were you?

Blocked his number. That's it, baby. Oh, it's like that woman I split up with because she called fever pigeon awful. Honestly, that was it. I thought that's it for us. I had a lot of text messages asking for our opinion on the spork, the rarely seen half fork, half spoon.

Oh, yes, I've got a spork. I've got several, actually. They're very handy for the traveller. What is a spork? Yes. It's a spoon but at the end of it there's some minor pronging so it'll work as both. I'd call that simply a rounded fork. I saw a spork

get this, a spork with quite a sharp handle that had all three cutleries in one item. Very good for campers as well. Oh, that'll be useful for my camping. 489 has been in touch, Alan. He says back of fork is the proper British way.

Agreed. You'll be changing hands next, i.e. cutting the food with your knife and fork, then moving fork to knife hand to scoop the result. Indeed. Simply unacceptable outside of the USA. That's how they do it. Well, I've got to say, I do that with salads.

I think for salads, we're allowed to make an exception. Oh, salads. Salads were never built for a knife and fork. I just take them with my hands. What I'm worried about is these strict patriotic rules. It's the people listening to this with a withered hand who are also patriots. Is that fair? I don't think so.

I think we'll stop speaking about cutlery after the break. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'll tell you what wasn't fake news yesterday.

As far as I can tell, it's real news, but leaked news from sort of off-air, as it were. If I say the words, I told you about this two and a half hours ago. Very good impression. I think you might already know where I'm going. Amber Sherlock. No, I'm already

loving this one. Amber Sherlock presents a sort of... Channel 9. She's in Australia and she... It's a sort of a magazine programme. It's a sort of BBC breakfast type. Yes, exactly. I just love It's a sort of a magazine program. Nine News or something. It's a sort of BBC breakfast type. Yes, exactly.

I just love the idea. Just the name Amber Sherlock. Amber Sherlock. I so hope that's her real name. It's fantastic, isn't it? I have an image of Sherlock Holmes on holiday. Having become Amber Sherlock with a nice tan. Or maybe...

I thought you meant he was drinking a lager or something. Or maybe Amber Sherlock is Sherlock... Red Sherlock is when he's at home playing the violin and taking morphine. Amber Sherlock is when someone's coming in for an interview and he's thinking this could go somewhere. And obviously Green Sherlock is the game he's on.

I like the idea of the traffic lights approach to Conan Doyle. I do. But she... Oh, man, I've fallen. She's a news presenter. I've fallen for Amber. There were three of them in that sort of Brady Bunch panel way. Because there was one in...

Like a triptych or something. Yeah, it's very good. It was a news triptych. One in Melbourne, one in Sydney, and I don't know where the other one was. It was a split screen on Australian news, with Amber in the middle, and then, well, Judy... I can't remember the other one. What's her name? I don't know. Julie Snook.

Very good. Julie Snook. What I like about... Snook and Sherlock. Well, Julie Snook is so nearly Judy Sook. It is. Do you remember her, the old singer-songwriter? No. 70 singer-songwriter.

Very much in the sort of Carole King vibe, wasn't she? I like it when people have nearly a famous name like that. Like when I was in A&E and they were calling for a man called Gary Vitter. But Frank Snook and Sherlock, I mean, that's a, you know, that's a buddy movie waiting to be made yes anyway so they're there

these three women they're about to go into their triptych their three scripts so you're going to see the three women side by side on screen

when Amber and you know she's a bit she's a bit of a Sherlock as it turns out they've all got white on. Yeah, she realises they're all dressed in white.

And it looks a bit like a Bee Gees album. Yeah, she wasn't having it. And so Amber says, you need to put a jacket on, Julie. Yeah. This is off camera, remember? It has been secretly filmed. Off air, but on camera. Julie says, if it's an issue, I'll go and grab a jacket.

And Amber says, it is an issue. I love that. It's like an episode of Neighbours, the way you do it. It really is. I can't tell you how many times I've said to people in the context of work, well, yeah, it actually is an issue. Because people bring up... We could probably hazard a guess, though.

People bring up that, oh, if it's an issue, thinking that you'll say, I'm not saying it's an issue. Well, if it's an issue is possibly the most passive-aggressive thing a human being can say, what you're suggesting is you're so intolerant and neurotic. That's what, if it's an issue, Julie. Well, this clip, I urge you to watch this clip, is if you wanted to do a workshop in passive aggression, I would show this. Because apart from it is an issue, there's a bit, one of my favorite aspects of passive aggression is the use of the first name. Yes.

Yes. aggression is the use of the first name. Yes. So there's a bit where Julie, at the end of her tether, says well, what do you just do with it? I'll go back to my work. And Amber says, well,

if that's what you want to do, Julie. I mean, it's so real. Whoa! Julie, I believe, says, I'll be flat out. Yeah, she was so flat out, Julie, we should say, that Amber had given her a heads up two and a half hours previously that she'd have to put a jacket on. This is where I think the whole thing jumps the shark for me.

I've been so busy, she said. I just don't believe anyone's busy constantly for two and a half hours. I mean, I'm with Amber Sherlock on this. Oh, God, all the way. All the way with Amber. I don't even like standing next to people wearing the same colour clothes as me. I went to a dinner you had once

and someone had a red dress and it was a very difficult evening. Same dress you didn't wear. You'd have been terrible in communist China. Frank Skinner on the radio. We were talking about Amber Sherlock. We were talking about Amber Sherlock We were talking about I've been flat out for two and a half hours Out of any two and a half hour window

I would say I spend minimum 45 minutes daydreaming Minimum Maximum two and a half hours obviously Well What Julie If I may just translate, from, as, I'll be your reporter from Passag World.

Yes. What Julie was trying to convey, when she was saying, I've been flared out, she was suggesting, I don't have time for your trivia, your silly wardrobe-based complaints. I've been flared out. I've been working on a new show. That's what Julie was doing. Yeah.

But Amber wasn't having it. Amber had told her two and a half hours previously to get a jacket. How much notice do you need for a jacket? Especially when they were mentioning that there was one there. There was one there. She asked her before we came on, well, there was one

hanging on the rail. Yeah. But two and a half hours. Didn't have a moment to put a jacket on. Shut up. Yeah. See, I think I would have got forensic. Did you have a tea during that time?

Did you get up and pull the kettle off? Imagine what Frank would have done. See, that's how I've become despised by people I work with. Despised? Not by us, Frank. It's that I want... If someone says people I work with. Despised? Not by our sprang. It's that I want... If someone says that, I can't just let that go. Can I just say not in my name?

In fact, I take your very high standards elsewhere. Well, God bless you for that. But has it made you popular? No. But as I've often said, you've spent your whole life trying to be popular, but the signs of the crowd at your funeral will still be largely dictated by the weather.

I, um... Frank, what about on Room 101? I mean, let's say it's you, Mr Motivator, and two others. OK. And you've all got... You're all wearing powder blue. Hmm. How would you deal with that?

Well, I'd change. Oh, would you? See, my argument would be, as the host, it's up to me to make the effort to... Oh, well, then Amber should have changed by that reckoning. I don't think... If you're going to fault Amber for anything, it's that. But the two...

I mean, if... I believe Pinhead in Hellraiser... Do you remember the Pinhead character? I do, yeah. I believe Pinhead in Hellraiser, do you remember the Pinhead character? I do, yeah. I believe he took six hours in make-up. Right. If she'd said to Judy, OK, we're going to do this autumn after,

I'd like you to be Pinhead from a razor, I think Judy would have had a point. I just haven't had, she certainly would have had a point if she'd been Pinhead. 55 for the minute first. She'd have said, I just haven't had... She certainly would have had a pint if she'd been pinhead. 55 for the minute first. She just said, I just haven't had time. It's a six hour make-up job. I've been flat out.

Even if I'd done a sort of a basic Halloween version of pinhead. I haven't got that many pins, Amber. But putting a jacket on... I'm happy to time it for the purposes of this. I mean, white is always controversial anyway on TV Yeah, easy. I mean, we could tie, I'm happy to tie him for the purposes of this. I mean, white is

always controversial anyway on TV, I find. When I started in television, you couldn't wear white. They used to flare, but now they've all got standards

dropping. I like, in the triptych, you know, Alan so brilliantly referred to as the triptych. Thank you. What I like is that

there's one character and she's very awkward, isn't she? The third wheel. She has a really expressive face. Julie and Amber are shouting. And as Frank says, I do urge you to watch this clip. It is worth the 20 seconds of your life. And there's a third woman, and she's some sort of an expert.

And she says, oh, dear. That person, I find, is often present at these conversations. The smiling, let's all just be friends together. And they're the one who usually gets the, just stay out of this. Well, she says very early on, do you want me to go and change my jacket? And Amber does say, no. No. She wants Judy to say.

Amber tries to be the voice of the people at one point where she says, you know, I've told you two and a half hours ago, and, you know, the wardrobe ladies will be furious. So she's bringing in the people on the shop floor. Well, you know what she also does, and I'm guilty of this, when I say, Frank's going to be really angry with you. Yeah. You can't do it.

Oh, well, I do it all the time. It's my favourite thing. That's all tough. Frank Skinner on the radio. I tell you why... What was great about the three women in white is it's like... I don't know if you've ever had a treatment.

But the women always dress in white. Often in tunics. And I've never... I'll be straight with you, I've never completely got my head around the definition of what's a tunic and what's a, say, I don't know, a shirt. Well, often lab coats. But I know you mean sometimes the tunic, there's a zip up the centre of the Central Reservation.

That I pass. I'm currently performing at the Soho Theatre in Dean Street in the West End. I'm not plugging it, it's sold out. Good for you. But... Because every time I mention any of my gigs I always have to add tickets still available,

so good for you. OK, there you go. I am interviewing the sci-fi superstar Stephen Baxter at Waterstones Piccadilly on Wednesday night. Come to that. That'll be good. Tickets still available. Oh, anyone else want to plug anything they've got going on?

Tickets still available. Who is Stephen Baxter? He's a big-time sci-fi writer. Oh, is he? Maybe I'll come. He's mega. I might come, Frank. Yeah, come.

I will. Anyway, I'm not here to plug my wares. No. I am. I'm not calling out one of my wares it's his wares um but uh i pass a shop which um does the supplies um clothing for the catering business oh i love one of those and it's got mannequins in the window. There's a fabulous... I know the shop you mean, Frank. Me too. Me too. So you get like, they've got double-breasted. There's one that's like a red female catering top.

I'm going to go that's a bit Master of Ceremonies, that one. I know I like that one, though. I look at it and I think, you know know i might get one of those white tops and a czech trouser but frank those red double-breasted catering industry are a bit crown prince of moldavia i find i suppose but the but the white top and with the little scarf and the czech trousers i associate much less with um restaurants and cooking than i do with smoking in alleyways. I can't tell you how many people in those chef outfits I see smoking in alleyways.

It's like a film set. Any alleyway you take in central London will have a chef, at least one chef in it, smoking. They take the hat off, though, don't they? I'd say chef. They could be other... I can't remember the other names. Sue, Demis. Yes. I'm going back to Ratatouille... I can't remember the other names. Sue, Demis. Yes.

I'm going back to Ratatouille now, trying to remember the staff names. Do they favour a crock? Oh, yes. I think the catering industry favour a crock. The catering industry, they favour a very specific crock. It's a full crock.

You know a crock has got holes in it? Croc Monsieur. Yeah. But when a crock has got holes, it? Croc monsieur. Yeah. When a croc has got holes that show the feet and aerate the feet. Yeah, they don't want that. They have a solid croc. Yes. Well, think about it. If it's got the holes in, by the end, you're going to have soup in between your toes and bits of prawn. Yeah, it's going to be a lot. A meatball will sit on top of a standard crocs for a whole night. Maybe that's where the first toe jam came from originally.

Pre-croc invention, were we talking white abattoir welly? I mean, what did they favour then? I think I might have seen a white sort of welly type. I think they went with a chef's clog, like a clog. Oh. Shut up. I think they did. I had a Norwegian dentist who favoured a white clog. I think they did. I think they did. I had a Norwegian dentist

who favoured a white clog. Did you? I did. Oh, I always think of Adam Faith as Bodgie in the 1970s. He favoured a white clog. Glory days.

No, this isn't glory days. I'm just... This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Some chefs have been in touch, Frank Alright, okay 210, good grief, we wear safety boots and the best place for a fag is the boiler room

Cheers, Steve the Chef I think that might be some irony I think they might be ironic, but I think it is Steve the Chef Oh yeah, I believe that bit I wasn't saying fake news Where's the irony? You don't think he bit. And, er... I wasn't saying fake news. Where's the irony? You don't think he smokes in the boiler room?

I don't think that. 499, first-time caller. The Chef Croc, it's a Birkenstock, known as the Super Birkie. Oh. It's from London. There we go. Oh, I just thought of those double-breasted nylon tops. At 864 has texted.

Excited. Frank, some chefs wear Crocs because they're cool in the kitchen. I think he means not hot. I don't think he means fashion cool. I don't find that with Crocs. I find they draw the feet. Right, I've never tried them. Never tried a Croc?

Never tried a Croc. I just go barefoot. Do you wear those little black slip-ons like Bruce Lee used to wear? Exactly, I would love some of those. Do you wear those little black slip-ons like Bruce Lee used to wear? Yeah, exactly. I would love some of those. Do you think he wears the ones where the toes are actually emphasised? The toes get individual coverage. Individual toes.

Are they called? Anyway. They're called. Terrible. I've got a pair of those. Oh, the five-finger footwear. Five-toe shoe. They aren't good shoes for a kitchen. This is the Crocs, by the way. They don't offer protection from dropped knives

or other things that may fall in a kitchen. From Callum, a chef at work in Scotland. Worth a good point. Hang on, a chef at work in Scotland? Fake news. Come now. You are Scottish, I can't believe you. Hank, I think we should go over to email corner this morning.

It's been a while. It's been a long time. Yeah. Okay. There you go, that's the jingle. Jimmy Fallon and the Golden Globes. Did you enjoy it? Can I point out that the producer hadn't turned up the fade on that?

I think she has... Not one job would be unfair. I think she's got two and that's one of them. You had two and a half hours. Yeah. She's been flared out. You've had one and a half hours. To turn up that fader.

Frank. Yeah. But that's right. If it's an issue, she can do it. Wasn't here last week because she was skiing. Only partly here this week. But you see how Amber, people like Amber, they are created by people like Julie Snook.

Thus, you know, I've been created by people like Charlie. Okay. And her 70% attitude to life. Let's try again, shall we? Ah! There you are i mean let's try again shall we that that indicates to me that you know that passive-aggressive workshop that frank was talking about send me a postcard from passive-aggressiva i think you've got your certificate from there let's try again again, shall we? I mean... Also, Al, do you think Frank's equivalent of,

if that's an issue, is shall we? Would you agree? I think we should move on. OK, all right. I'm boiling over. OK. Good morning, Frank, Alan. Hi!

And the Divine Miss M. Hi. Why did you answer for the Divine Miss M? No, I was saying hi to the Alan bit. I was just a bit delayed. As the father of 11-month-old twins, I've recently been employing many of Alan's ninja techniques to move silently around the house when they're both sleeping.

I thought he meant for fighting them at first. I was thinking, no, don't do that. We have established that Alan's great gift is well tiptoeing is the main feature of it we were discussing I think in a previous episode of life we were discussing what we're surprisingly good at

and I'm a really good tiptoe really good Tim what if I'm making a silent entry into the house or if I'm just walking around at night... That doesn't sound remotely creepy. If I'm walking around... Well, so let's say I'm walking around at night in the house.

I find if I've recently been to the chiropodist, it's an easier job than if I've let the skin harden. Right, yeah. If I'm due a trip to the chiropodist, there's an element of doggone linoleum about me walking. It's like Shep. You know the click of the nails on the linoleum? It's like Shep Skinner.

Absolutely. May I suggest you go straight to have a pedicure and then dispense altogether with the need for the chiropodist? Or for some next level stuff. I couldn't give up on the chiropodist. How often do you go? I go about once every two or three months. Really? Yeah. Wow. It's one of the great joys of my life. Okay. The pedicure sounds like, you know, that's when people have cotton wool between their toes so they can get varnished. My Vietnamese pedicurist gets a razor blade out.

Oh? Mm. My vet is Vietnamese. Right. Yeah. OK. She's a Vietnam vet. Lovely.

OK, we're off. I think we should continue with the... Oh, OK. We're going to have to have breaks. I don't know if you've... We're not on LBC, darling. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I think we are in email corner, aren't we? We were mid-email.

I was. This was from an email that was sent in by John and he was saying he'd been employing Alan's ninja techniques. Yeah, sneaking around the house. Yeah, keeping to the edge of staircases and so forth. Less creakage.

Yes. I have found the application of Alan's techniques to be very effective and have consequently been teaching my wife the ways of Alan. Finally. He has this in quote marks. Finally.

I wondered if any other readers had taken up advice dispensed on the show. Salt in the pocket to stave off attackers. Can I say I don't officially recommend that's what my dad used to do. I'd rather people didn't do it. He used to have a little bit of salt in the pocket

in case he got attacked. Well not even attacked I think spoken to after dark in the street. case he got attacked well not even attacked i think spoken to after dark in the street frank's dad was quite he used to say i know when they had people would ask him the time what would he say frank he felt that was potentially suspicious yeah well he once came back in with his hand all bashed up he said a bloke had asked him the time he said i know what they're doing is that they want to knit your snap, which I believe is the sort of lunch that miners used to take to work with them,

which I don't think he'd carried for some 50 years. He said, so I knocked him over a garden wall, which I thought was extreme. I mean, what if he had... I'd find it odd if somebody asked me the time after dark. But back then there was fewer iPhones. Yeah, there was. Presumably fewer wristwatches.

There was. I think I'd say. I don't think time had been regularised in Britain. I think it was pre-railways when it happened. Sundial. And then finally, the piece of advice they've suggested is putting one's tongue behind one's teeth during photos. Is that yours?

Which was, of course, my advice, which was given to me by my godmother, Lindsay DePaul. May I say I've implemented that into my own life? Have you? I have absolutely done that ever since you said it, and it's great. Auntie Lynn's advice. She'd say tongue behind teeth, Emmy.

It's what I would call top tip. I never tried it. What it does, it gives you a jawline if you don't have one. God knows I need one. And also, it looks less fake smile than you'd think it would. Like, fake smiles look fake smiles. Even though it's the most fake smile ever, it looks unfake. Gary Bichelle, the former...

French poet. The former son columnist. Do you remember him? I do. Oh, great days. I got photographed with him once and some young women. My thoughts are with your family. And this is in the days when I sort of, you know,

I danced with the crocodile, so to speak, as far as publicity was concerned. I call it your Union Jack shirt days. Yes, indeed. And he said to me, whenever you laugh on a picture, always laugh out loud. So when the cameraman's like, you go...

So people think you're insane? No, but it does seem to translate as a genuine looking laugh on the camera. I'll tell you what really dates this story is that he didn't say lol. He said laugh out loud. No, that's true. This was pre-lol.

It was pre-lol. It was, yeah. Gary the Shell has got time for that. It'd be an interesting marking of time pre-Lol. It was pre-Lol. It was, yeah. Gary the Shell has got time for that. There'd be an interesting marking of time pre-Lol. When did Lol begin? 8, 12, 15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not.

There must be some mistake. When would you say Lol became a thing? Well, I'll tell you exactly when lol entered the establishment was when the Prime Minister used lol, apparently, in a text. Leveson. Yes. Leveson Inquiry. There you go.

Lots of love. He thought it was lots of love. He thought it was lots of love. Yeah, well, I, for a while, trying to work it out for myself, I thought it was lots of love as well. Oh, dear. Well, it's an end. It's an end of a message.

Fair enough. Anyway, we will eventually get through this email. Putting one's tongue behind one's teeth, and then we have following the ways of the Nazarene. I don't think I've actually... Have I offered that as advice? It's something I do. I'm more of an exemplar.

Yeah, yeah. I think you might have offered it as a... Build your part up, love. Haughty, taughty, looking down on those that don't. That kind of thing. There's certainly an element of that. Yeah, put a crucifix on, Julie. I mean, I like this email

mainly because it compliments my tiptoeing skills. Thank you, John, aka reader487, by the way. There is a slight sting in the tail in that I'm pretty sure I've dispensed some other excellent ways of Alan, like putting a chair or some shoes behind a hotel door. I remember your shoes some shoes behind a hotel door. I remember your shoes. Shoes

behind a hotel door. I think I also recommended buying some quite affordable dry sacks for luggage for a few smelly clothes. I thought that was pretty good. And let's not forget pouring a boiling kettle down a

blocked sink. I'm glad you said sink. I'm just relieved you said sink. The ones that stick in my mind, see I forgot about Tom behind teeth. That's okay. The ones that stick in my mind I got from the once popular TV

show Laverne and Shirley. And what was that? Never Trust a Man in a Pinky Ring. You know, a pinky being the little finger. Don't tell Charlie that. That's everyone she went to school with. And now if I do see a bloke with a ring on his little finger, I know there is a shadow falls across my opinion.

I still am considering one. Now you, what? Yeah, yeah. You're going to take someone's eye out on the mat? Be careful. Frank Skin out on the mat. Be careful. We've got some of the readers texting in, reminding us of really useful pieces of advice they've received from us on this show.

Really? Yes. Hey, you're getting a mention, Frank. Don't worry about that. I like to think of my... Al Murray used to refer to me as the Suleyman. He's like a sort of eastern wise man, I think. Yes, I see you as something of a Birmingham swami.

So, let's hear some. Frank's advice. I try not to Google if I've forgotten something, which is good. Very good. Only Google if you don't know, not if you don't remember. Yeah. Good. And I'm no longer a slave to the oppressive twelfths.

Excellent work. Lovely. Oh, that's good. Excellent. Good. In case you're new to the show, I don't set my alarm for things like ten o'clock or even five past ten. They're all six minutes past or two minutes past or... Three? Nine fifty-nine.

Yeah, I'm all right with that. Anything, I won't be told that I have to set it on a twelfth of the hour. No. Which people often do. For convenience sake. Someone's picked up some useful advice from your mum, Al. My mother? Yes.

Happy birthday to her, by the way, if she's tuning in to her birthday today. I thought it might be. Best advice. That's a bit of Amber Sherlock of me. Best advice, although it may not have been dispatched as such, was from Al's mum, always asking for a wee pot of boiling water when she orders tea out. Yes. I always do that now.

Paying for tea is irritating anyway, but at least now I get two decent cups. Cheers, Al's mum. That's Wee Reader 457. I think that means a small reader, by the way. Frank referred earlier, Al, to someone who had gone out, well, Sarah, I mean, there's no point lying about this, to get us coffees.

And Frank said, well, there's no point getting a tea. I just think there's no point. Yeah. The takeaway shop. I find that quite interesting. And, Frank, so there's no point getting a tea. I just think there's no point in the takeaway shop. I find that quite interesting. Now, why is that? Well, because making tea is an easy, straightforward thing if you use boiling water. So we can do that here. I don't want to send out for tea.

Coffee's a bit trickier. But as you know, I despise coffee and all its manifestations and its implications of seediness. I imagine that we'll get some texts from people saying that they've taken that on board as their advice from you. Yeah, I hope so. What about those people who know about coffee? Oh, I've got...

No, what about those people, Al? I don't want to start a stigma against those people. Some of my best friends are those people. They talk about coffee as if it's something to talk about. Do they post a picture of Garfield with wired eyeballs saying, Need coffee! Three exclamation marks. Because if they do, they can naff off.

All right, partridge. First coffee of the day, that one. Need coffee! People will fetishise coffee. That's all right, is it, to have an addiction to that? Let's all celebrate that. I think it is all right. You're being a bit puritanical, Frank.

Come on, I don't object on those grounds. I object because it's a bit partridge. Look, if I'd have been drinking in the age of social media, I don't believe I would have tweeted, need perno at 7.25 in the morning. What about when they say, mainlining vats of coffee? Oh, yeah. Vats. They like a vat.

Do they? Yeah. They do. Anyway. They like hyperbole. We're all different. I think that's what we've established. Oh, you've suddenly got a bit tolerant. What's happened to Amber Sherlock?

Frank Skinner on the radio. Oh, I tell you what a piece of advice I picked up from Michael Stipe. And he'd got it. Yeah, and he'd got it from, he'd been in a restaurant with Audrey Hepburn. And he'd seen her do it. And that is that at the end of a meal, you use a clean knife as a mirror to check your teeth to see if you've got any bits in your teeth.

Another one my auntie Lynn used to do. All the celebrities did it. Predates the camera phone, of course, but very good. Yeah. Frank, can I tell you what has yet to be discussed this morning? I mean, I cannot believe we've overlooked this. Oh, yeah. Alan Cochran had a grapple midweek.

I did? Oh, yes. With a fellow Absolute Radio DJ. Yes, in case you don't... I consider myself a DJ, but yes. It's been on the cards for us, at least on the undercard. Yeah, very good. OJ Borge, who does...

OJ Gorge, we call him. Rock and roll football. Rock and roll football, thanks. I should know that, I feel awful. Very popular with the ladies, absolutely. Put it down more to age than lack of attention. He joins us at the end of the show, ready for his show. And it just cropped up that the Cockerel and he both grapple.

They're grapple fans. And they both live in the same part of the world. Yeah. And so I thought it would never happen. They said, oh, we should share a mat, I remember one of them saying. Have a lie down together. Yeah. Well, they were circling each other in a flirty way, weren't they?

Was it flirty or was it like, you know, when the two alpha males gather? Oh, there's very little that's alpha about me. They were pre-rot, is what I thought. Oh, Ian Angle has texted in saying, enjoying the PG tips. There you go. Thank you.

Ian Angle. Cups of tea. There you go. Thank you. Ian Angle. Cups of tea. Oh, yes. Okay, so it happened. It did happen, yeah. It happened, I think it was Wednesday. Okay. You're looking at me as if you think there's going to be like a score.

No, I was respecting the fact that you say Wednesday because I'm... Just for convenience, I realise, it's for the first time, I think, at that moment, I realise that for convenience, I've put the N in front of the D, and I say Wednesday. All right, yeah. But you're quite right, it is Wednesday.

I think I get mocked for this by my friend Daniel. I like the casualness of Alan. I think it was Wednesday. So how did it... What is the basis of a grapple? Well, you want to submit... Is it anything like a Snapple? It's not like a Snapple, no. You want to submit.

Less fruity than a Snapple. Okay. But still not entirely not fruity. Where did you meet? At a dojo? Yeah, we met at a dojo. Let's go with it. We met at a dojo. We had a little roll around eventually.

Lovely. I got a real waft of shampoo when he was pushing his head into my chest at one point. This is... Absolutely true story. I'll tell you what this is. This is extraordinary. But was it coming from his head or from your chest?

No, it was his hair. So, OK, can we just rewind a bit? He's a big lad. He did great. He did great for someone that's rusty. Do you shake hands? Yeah, you actually... You bow, don't you bow?

No. What do you wear? I mean, if you want to get into the minutiae of it... Oh, I do, I do. You slap hands and bump fists at the beginning of a little grapple. What are you wearing? Are you wearing a judo kit? It's called a gi, G-I, gi, which is also called kimono, pyjamas, whatever you want.

I remember the popular film, Gi Joe. If you ignore the full stop in there, yeah, very good. So it's like, is it like an operating game? I lent OJ one of my geese. Are you the same size? He's a bit bigger than me. People always say that when they talk about fights. I'll be absolutely honest, I think he's got a 20 kilogram weight advantage on me.

And I thought he used it. He's a big geese, eh? He used it. And he wears a big it. He's a big geezer. He used it. And he wears a big gi. He is. We'll come back to this. You don't have to. Now I want to.

Oh, we do, Amber. We do. Now it's like having Harry Carpenter on the show. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're in the dojo. We are.

They're both wearing geese. Can you tell me what dojo is? I'm missing out on this. Is that the name of the place? It's a Japanese word for, I think, a place of training or something like that. Yeah, judo's traditionally is done there. Judo's done, karate's done in a dojo. Okay.

Brazilian jiu-jitsu, not so much. I thought it might be like what they call the bloke from Miami Vice. Oh, yeah. What was he called? Don Johnson. Don Johnson. Surely he was called Dojo. He would have been called Dojo.

Not like Boris Johnson, Bojo. Bojo. So, you're both wearing gis. We're both wearing gis. OJ has borrowed your gi. He has borrowed my gi, yeah. And then, you know, we did some working on our techniques with

other people, and then at the end we got together. You grappled? We had a little grapple. How long does a grapple last? About five minute rounds on that, which is a lot of time. That is a long round. I'll be honest, if there's someone 20 kilograms heavier than you, six foot three,

he's a big lad. Yeah. You know, it can feel a long time to be trying to flail about and get him off you. Does he, so when you want to grapple with someone, do you just approach them? Yeah. And the dojo and say, hey there.

This is what you say, and I'm finding this horrible, because it's silly. It's such a silly hobby. It's such a silly hobby. It's such a silly hobby. What do you say? You go up and you go, do you want a roll, mate? That's what you say. You mean you roll around, like it's called a roll.

The parlance is a roll. I mean, you could say a spar or a fight, but it's just weird. Well, you can't really abbreviate it, a grapple, because if you say you want a G, they might think you're selling a tyre. Yes. So that would be... So who won is what we want to know.

You want to roll me? Nobody won. It would be great for the show if there was a clear winner. It would be great. But actually, you know... Who seemed to have more strength? I would say he... More strength?

Oh, OG, for sure. Really? Yeah. 20 kilograms heavier. I'm not getting my excuses in. I don't think the cockerel prides himself on strength. He prides himself on guile. Or as they call it in the grapple business,

geel. Yeah. I mean, I would be very up for going again. I mean, I will go again. Calm down, dear. If he's up for going again, I'm up for going again. Would you be up for a sort of a Oliver Reed, Alan Bates, naked grappling front of a roaring log fire?

I'd like to do it with somebody less attractive than me and urges a category above myself, I think. Okay. At least. Don't put yourself down. I always think if I'm going to grapple with somebody naked in front of a log fire, I want them to be better looking than me.

No. You shouldn't be doing that grappling. Well, I don't do it anymore. There's too many... Too many camera phones. You need a good guard, a good fire guard if you're going to do that. Otherwise, that terrible smell of human hair

burning. You don't know where it's landed. That's one of my pet hates. Smell of burning hair during a naked grapple. During a roll? Naked grapple in front of a log fire. That's what I'm putting in room 101.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've just heard from one of our readers who's had an incident, a bit of an unfortunate incident, as a direct result of you, Frank. Adam Whitworth. I was patiently waiting at the next window at my local McDonald's drive-thru as instructed, listening to your show, when an employee tapped on my window to give me my breakfast. I wound it down, just as Frank said,

the smell of burning hair in front of a roaring fire. I can only wonder what they thought I was listening to. There you go. That's the trailer sorted. I did just give you a sort of Derek Jacoby voice, which you didn't necessarily have, but there you go. I'm always happy with a Jacoby. Now, we need to talk about my bae, Henry VIII.

Your bae? My bae, yeah. Well, you know I always called him I shouldn't but would yes I know I have a portrait of him in my bedroom well he was something of a ladies man something of a ladies man he

I mean there's been some information has emerged about him which has to do with his spending habits and it turns out he was a bit of a big spender I mean if you walked in the joint. I'm not surprised. Man of distinction. When I read it, I thought, really?

Henry VIII was a big spender. He went through the money. No, but some of the bills he's been running up. Yes. I mean, six million a year on beer. It was the equivalent. Legend! Equivalent £6 million.

But that presumably is not just... No, it says that works out as 10 pints a day per quartier. OK. But then again, water then would not have been that healthy to drink, would it? He's not wasting time with water. No, they weren't, largely, were they? No. It would be better to drink booze. Isn't that why they drank wine and beer?

Is it? Because the water was minging. I must remember that one. Any historians in? This is one of the big stories of all stories. The meat cost 3.5 million. A year. That sounds a lot, but I think he did go organic free range.

He had grilled, he had beaver's tails and whale meat and a bit of venison. Beaver's tails, they look like something you could use to eat with rather than to eat. They don't seem to, I don't know if you've ever had a close look at a beaver's tail. There's not much flesh on them. No. They look a bit like those things that headmasters used to use for caning.

Canes? Well, no, that was the one before, the sort of paddle. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. The sort of back paddle. I suppose it is a back paddle if you think about it. Yeah. Three and a half million a year on meat equivalent and another million a year equivalent on Rennie indigestion tablets.

That's what he got. I'll tell you what I do respect him for. You may remember that I think it was last Christmas or my last birthday or whatever. But about a year ago, I was given a £100 meat voucher, which I've still got £65 on it. No. I find it quite hard.

I went in there with the intention of spending the whole thing. I find it difficult. Wow. If in Aladdin, if the three wishes had been meat-based, I think I would have struggled. Really? Well, I think I have the answer to this. It's not just meat-related, it's fortune-related. So his father, Henry VII, is the one that made all the money.

Right. And then he was second generation. 90% of it's gone by second gen, I'm afraid, guys. So you think because Frank's made his own money, he's a bit more frugal in the butchers? He's more cautious. That's made his own money he's a bit more frugal in the butchers? That's not a euphemism. He's more frugal in the butchers. So he was a bit Julian Lennon. Yeah.

I think it's third generation it disappears by the money. That's right. You can get a sausage box for £19.50. Why don't you just buy... This is Mattie's Britain. Why don't you just buy three of those? Three sausage boxes. And when are we going to get through three sausage boxes?

You've got a freezer? I don't like freezing. I think the food never... Oh, you people. It destroys the flavour. I bought a bone from the butcher yesterday. You don't need to buy it. Just ask him nicely.

Oh, it cost me £1.80. Oh, ridiculous. £1.80 for a bone? You saw me coming. Oh, the switchboard's going to light up with people texting going, London! Charging you for bones! Yeah, well, don't come to London.

In the north, where you know your butcher, you just go, can I have some bones? And they go, yeah, all right. Can we just establish, for avoidance of doubt, it's expensive in London. Yes, it is. We knew that, though. Especially bones. Yeah. 180. That is, that's... Why did you buy a bone? Because, well, if you must know, I was recording a podcast

and there was a dog in it. Yeah. And he needed a bone. And you took the traditional approach. Give the dog a bone. Okay. Did you, yeah, did you bother with the knick-knack paddywhack element of the formula?

Do they still like a bone? Your modern dog, they don't want a bone. Well, you know what? That was his equivalent of invoicing. That was his invoice. Okay, we've got a bone. I find that they like a synthetic chew no more than they like an actual bone.

They've lost touch, haven't they? Someone's got some advice from me, Frank. Go on. Rachel in Michigan. Never arrive empty-handed. Timeless advice from Emily Dean when you're a guest at someone's house. Thank you, Emily. Go on. Rachel in Michigan. Never arrive empty-handed. Timeless advice from Emily Dean when you're a guest at someone's house. Thank you, Emily. Excellent. Oops.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Before we go back to Henry, I just thought of a piece of advice which emanated from my everyday life recently. And it was advice that I didn't realise.

It was a sort of, I accidentally arrived at it. But I bought my partner, Kath, a pair of trousers for Christmas. Yeah. And they were the wrong size. I'll be honest with you. Now, I don't know about you, but if someone buys me something the wrong size, they'll say with you now I don't know about you but if someone buys me something the wrong size they'll say here's the receipt and it's fine

but it's a bit of a chore having to get to the shop and take it back it's not quite the same as a present you feel like you've been part of it you've been some sort of some sort of messenger service in that thing so it's annoying.

So that was a pity. And also you want them to wear it straight away. But this is the advice that I've arrived at. What I did is I bought her a pair of trousers that were the size XS, extra small. Right. And I think she was slightly annoyed that I'd got the wrong size. But at the same time, if you're going to got the wrong size, but at the same time,

if you're going to get the wrong size, go small. Yeah. Frank, you've got it. Yeah, so I think that's an important thing. Not so bad with gloves, but certainly with trousers and anything like that. Go small.

Absolutely. Always, always go small. Yeah, so that turned out nice again. Always go small was Yeah. So, that turned out turned out nice again. Hee hee! Always go small was my advice for years but people just said I was stingy.

Yeah, exactly. You actually was getting Barbie outfits. So anyway, Henry VIII also spent his money which I believe a large proportion of it

was from the dissolution of the monasteries as well. Frank. Frank. I'd be choked on it was from the dissolution of the monasteries as well. Frank. I'd be choked on it. Frank, let it go. Okay. He, the meat cost 3.5 million, but the divorce from Anne of Cleves,

remember her? Oh, yeah. Flanders mare. She, she's... Number four. I think you might be correct. Yeah, Thunderbird four. Oh, is she three?

Oh, now I'm not sure myself. You've got me confused. Anyway, she... Divorced, beheaded. I was going to say, we'll do the rhyme in a minute. It cost him 30 million. 30 million to divorce her. In today's money.

We can see why he favoured beheading. I think it does put some of those beheadings into context. An absolute blinder. A beheading isn't cheap. Yeah. But, I mean, compared to 30 million... It's pretty cheap. I mean, it's all gone a bit Ray Parler at Hampton Court Palace.

Romford Pelley. Yeah, exactly. She got 30 million for not being that hot. Really? Oh, yeah, because that was the problem. He saw the painting, didn't he? And then, this sounds like drunk history, but this is apparently what problem. He saw the painting, didn't he? And then, this sounds like drunk history, but this is apparently what happened.

He saw the painting and then she turned up and she wasn't all that. No, and I'll tell you what, that was... Is this the one where Hans Holbein, the famous painter, was sent to Germany to paint? There was two sisters on offer to Henry VIII. This is how it worked in those days. It's all gone a bit cheeky, girls.

Yeah, it has, yeah. Let's see... Margit. Yeah, so if we replace Henry VIII with Lemby Opie... Yes. ..then it kind of makes sense. So there was two sisters, both of which would be ideal, you know,

politically for the marriage. You're scratching, Frank. I am scratching. So this is when social media was in its infancy. That's right. He sent one of the leading artists to paint these two women. He brought the painting back and Henry did a bit of a hot or not. I believe Henry said to Hans, photos or it didn't happen.

Yeah, exactly. And he said, this one's the most grammable. Yeah. And he said, hashtag no way. When he saw her. Yeah. And so he brought the painting back and Henry looked at the painting of the two girls

and he went, he went, Gabrielle, as did... As did... And then it turned out that... Well, I don't understand... When he saw the painting, he said, as did... As did... And then it turned out that... Well, I don't understand... Well, when he saw the painting, he said, I can't even. That's what I believe he said. Did he say that? Yes.

I can't even. He honestly... I don't really understand that, but I like it. He honestly said it. I can't even. Yeah. OK. And so then he married...

The other cheeky girl. The other one. He married the other one and didn't... Yeah. I bet he doesn't know. Well, the marriage was annulled. Britney Spears style. Oh, yes.

That was lack of... Lack of the conjugals. Lack of consummation. Or was it lack of concentration? And also just to save a bit of the blood... Well, I think once again, he might have used the phrase, I can't even.

Yeah. Lack of condensation. That would be one of the blame. Well, I think once again he might have used the phrase, I can't even. Yeah, lack of condensation. That would be one of the best grounds for divorce ever. Yeah, so what a brilliant I mean, I know we complain about social media, well I do but I mean, what a faff

having to send an artist off. Yeah. Frank Skinner on the radio. I think we're still mid Henry VIII. We should say that all these facts come from a programme that's on the telly this week about

Henry VIII, which is called Henry VIII. It's from that channel that show lots of history documentaries and it's called Yesterday. Which I've never been happy with as a channel title. Why?

Is it because all your troubles seem so far away? I think, oh yeah. I think calling history Yesterday is just a bit negative. Do you know what I mean? It makes it sound like it's done and, you know, who needs yesterday's papers? If I had a history channel, I'd call it a bit last year.

Both of those sound too modern to me. Yesterday and last year sounds like we're not interested in Henry VIII. That's proper history. We're modern history. What about so last season? Come on, you'd watch that history show. Again, a little bit negative. Oh, welcome to me.

In the Rearview Mirror with Frank Skinner, in which I do history. I'm very relieved you're doing history in that. Yeah, exactly. I've probably been watching it, although, as you know, far and away, my favourite wife is Catherine Parr. Oh, you love Parr.

Oh, man, she's the best. What's the obsession with Parr? Well, as you know, I've got a bit of Sudeley Castle on my... Someone said I mention Gloucestershire too much on the show. All the time. Yeah, but that's all right. My partner's from Gloucestershire, so I would go there. Is that your explanation?

It'll differ now. I'm an Aragon fan don't put yourself down she was first and I love an Ove in a name yeah I like an Ove but there's a few of those you can always go for Cleaves true but I do like an Ove though

there's not enough of that around nowadays Frank of Birmingham no exactly it doesn't work. I the thing about Catherine Pott, I like the fact she survived him. Yeah. I thought it was Howard. Oh no, you're right.

If I did a musical about Henry VIII I would have her singing I Will Survive at some point in an argument. And I'm sure very often the wives could have said, once I was afraid, I was petrified. That is a good... You've got the start of a project there.

It's a good beginning, isn't it? Yeah. Shall we get our people on that? I'm sure there's bound to be a West End theatre space soon. I'm going to call it 18 holes for Henry VIII. Oh, thanks. It's golf themed. I love that.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it once again we're near the climax coming up next is rock and roll football that's OJ Gorge on that with OJ Borge OJ the truth Borge as I think they call him in the grapple hut

is that what they call it the grapple hut? the dojo and thank you so much for listening this morning. And you know what? Shall I stick with the traditional ending or what about the new Mariah Carey? It's your call. It's your call.

Bring on the feathers. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.