The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - The Best Of

Episode Date: January 2, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's 2016 but these are some of the very best bits of 2015 so what are you going to do about it?

The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner. It's a new year, but you're listening to the very best bits of last year's shows. It's a clever little juxtaposition. Happy New Year, everybody. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you, I was in central London, and a man was walking towards me, and he was, I guess he was from the Middle East. He'd got a massive moustache, and he's probably about 50-ish, and he says, Frank Skinner, and I said, ah, yes,

and he went, you're a very lucky man. Very, very lucky man. You're a lucky man. I said, um, and he said, you're very lucky. I mean, he must have said it ten times. Part of me was thinking, oh, hold on a minute. I have worked my lungs off for you people. But, um. It's not a well-known phrase, is it? I've worked my lungs off. No, maybe not. But, um But anyway, I bought into the...

Your luckiness. Yeah. In the end, I agreed I was a very lucky man. Did he elaborate on why you were lucky? I think he just thought I was a chancer. I don't know. I mean, I've had it said to me. It was said to me in Egypt. I was walking down the road with a woman

and a bloke said to me, you're a very lucky man. And I thought, again, hold on. What about the concept of merit? Anyway, so it was, it sort of, I wouldn't say it upset me, but it unsettled me. And I was on my own on the way to the London Palladium to see Jerry Lee Lewis.

Oh. He goes to a lot of the shows, doesn't it? All his anecdotes seem to involve a London theatre. Yes, bear in mind I was just walking past the commitments. I didn't actually go in, but this one I'd actually I tell you what, God damn it, I'd pay for a ticket.

You didn't. I did. How much did that set you back? Shall I tell you how much it cost me? Go on then. £125. Ooh, that's a lot of notes. And I'll you how much it cost me? Go on then. £125. Ooh, that's a lot of notes. Lucky man. And I'll also be honest. You're a very lucky man.

No, I'm not a very lucky man. I'll tell you why I'm not a lucky man. Because I got my publicist to call up and say, oh, Frank Skinner would like to come and see Jerry Lewis. Is there any chance he could get a complimentary ticket? And they said no. Wow. That is so awful that you made that call and then you got turned down.

Well, I didn't make it. Well, yeah, but you may as well have. If I'd have made it, I would have just died on the spot. Well, someone made it using your name. Anyway, to be honest, I love Jerry Lee Lewis and I thought, you know, I'll pay 125 quid. That'll probably get him home. Now, he must be, what, 80-odd now? He's 80 on the 29th of this month.

Oh, super fan. Save the date. Hang on. Just let me get my diary, will you? I'll come up in your Jerry Lee Lewis alerts, Al. Yeah, yeah. I know you've got that app. So, anyway, when I got and I sat in the theatre,

sitting next to me was this guy, and he said, Hello, I'm the managing director of the Palladium. He was sitting next to me. I thought, and he said, hello, I'm the managing director of the Palladium. He was sitting next to me. I thought, well, he hasn't paid. Right. Did you say you were a very lucky man? No, I didn't say that.

But then, next to him was empty seats, and I realised that this is what happened, is there was a block of proper celebrities who got their free seats. And then the MD was like the velvet rope, keeping them at bay. And as a special reward, I got first seat of the normal people.

Sort of the celebrity equivalent of getting a 2-1. Yeah, yeah. Not quite a proper thing, but, you know, at least I could, I had the same view, basically, and I could see them from where I was sitting. But you know what? You knew. And they knew. Well, I don't know.

They were quite, well, I'll tell you, there was some quite big celebrities in there. But I thought, you know, they could have let, who else asked? Yeah. They could have let, who else asked? Yeah. They could have let me, but anyway, I'm... Just think how much money they had to spend on popcorn, 125 quid each. Yeah, that's, oh, did they know? See, I felt like telling them. Well, it depends who was there, Prince Nassim? I felt like telling them what they'd, um...

He likes the popcorn these days. If he'd have got, if he'd have got a free seat and I'd have had to pay, I would have been absolutely... He'd have had two. Yeah, he'd have had more than one. would have been absolutely... You'd have had two. I'd have been free. You'd have had more than one. But anyway, it gets worse. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You know, we have an appetite for a pun on this show, don't we? And we occasionally receive them from the wider readers. You two do. Well, you were telling your story. You were telling your little story about going to see Jerry Lee Lewis. My little story, yeah. And they're paying £125. We've had

a text, goodness gracious, great stalls for hire. Ian Angle? No. Oh. Ian Stuart Dootson. That's it. That's it. That could be, yeah. And on the plume. He adds, I do apologise, I'll see myself out.

No, that's all right. That's all right. I guess the ball rolling, doesn't it? We're all warming up. Yeah. It's those great balls of fire. So, yeah, so I looked across. Oh, so we should say, so you need to see who's in the celebrity area. Yeah, so...

Because you're not quite VIP. All I have to do is lean forward and look to my right, and there they are lined up. And me on the very edge. Do you want us to guess them? Go on. Frankie Cacosa. Chico. Maybe.

Chico. No. Bear Grylls. No. Leslie Joseph. No. Oh, no. Well, Bear Grylls. No. Leslie Joseph. Oh, no. Well, I don't know. It was her or Alice Cooper.

Timothy Spall. No. Timothy Dalton. No. I'm just going to go through all the Timothys now. Go on, then. Exactly. No, I'm going to tell you.

First one I'll tell you. Yeah. Ringo Starr. No way. Can you check his shoes? You know he's on a shoe advert. You've got to check his shoes. He's on a shoe advert?

Yeah, he's on a shoe advert. That's a good celebrity. Yeah. Although I did call across to him. I said, I've got a message for you from a bloke with a big moustache I met outside. Very lucky man. Did he do the peace and love sign? Very lucky.

He thinks... Now, hold on a minute. Ringo Starr thinks that he's invented peace and love as a catchphrase. Does he? Yeah. He does it as a... Here comes my catchphrase. Peace and love.

Peace and love. And you think, no, here comes my catchphrase, peace and love, peace and love. And you think, now, I'm sure someone said that before you. Mm. Yeah. It's like, if I decided that my catchphrase was,

and. You just can't, you just can't. I think we need to workshop that one a bit. Was that and dot dot dot? Was it a silent dot dot dot? So go on, who are the other celebrities? Peace and love's there. So, yeah, there's, I mean, I know Ringo is a bit. Was that and dot dot dot? Was it a silent dot dot dot? So go on, who are the other celebrities?

Peace and love's there. So, yeah, there's... I mean, I know Ringo is a beat. Bear in mind, I'm looking across as a man who's paid 125 quid and is on the brink. Do you know what I hate, Al, is the idea of Frank straining across like a meerkat trying to look at the celebrities. I know, it was awful. But I mean, usually I look at them, you know, in admiration and awe. But now I look at them in absolute bitterness.

That these people, every one of them, could have afforded 125 quid more than me. And also, I think, I mean, I know he was a Beatle, but, you know, when they did the current form table for football, like the last six matches, I think I'm doing better than Ringo. Yeah, shoe advert. Last six matches. He think I'm doing better than Ringo. Yeah, shoe advert. Last six matches. He's doing a shoe advert.

He's just got a shoe advert in his column. Well, there you go. What's a shoe advert? He's doing a shoe advert. Well, he was a Beatle, though. Come on, Frank. He was. He was.

Yeah. I'm just saying, how often does his work phone Ringo? Ringo. Well, anyway, he was there, which is, I mean, I agree with you. He's, you know, anyway. Go on. Who else? And then, Andrew Lloyd Webber. Oh.

Yeah, he, again, doesn't need a freebie. No. He could probably write his ticket off against... Is it? I know this sounds unkind, but it's not the prettiest line-up so far. Let's be honest. But it's his theatre. I, but it's not the prettiest line-up so far. Let's be honest. But it's his theatre. I mean, it's hardly the... No, but I could have leaned...

As it's his theatre, I could have said, there's still time to give me my 125. Quick bet. I'm just saying, you're better looking than both of those characters. Thank you. Robert Plant. Right. I almost gave worst.

What? What? No, they're all... I mean, none is their big stars, but would it really have broken their heart? How many celebrities wanted to go? Four. In the world. Anyway.

Robert Plant. Has he still got the big, uh, thatch of hair? He's, um, he's curly. I think he might be naturally curly. Mm. I wouldn't put money on it, but I think so. That would be my guess, and I was wondering about today's texting, and I think we've found it.

Is Robert Plant naturally curly? Oh, does he perm? Does Plant perm? That's the texting. Get that up, Sarah, we want our social media. Does Plant perm? The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, so it's getting to the moment where Jerry Lee Lewis is soon going to come on stage.

And I'll be honest, I am genuinely excited. Yeah. See, I'll tell you something that will horrify you. I've seen Jerry Lee about eight times. The first time I saw Embrace Yourself was 1972. Oh. I'm sorry for anyone out there who wasn't born then and is a little bit upset. Me. Never mind out there. Me. I wasn't born then.

There you go. Anyway, let's change the subject. Okay, let's change the subject. So, he's an eccentric character. Do you know he's got a son called Steve Allen Lewis, who he named because his first TV break was a Steve Allen show. So he named his son after him. By which logic, I would have to call my son Central Weekend Skinner.

I love it! John Stapleton. So anyway, so bear in mind, Frank Skinner, star of Absolute Radio's Frank Skinner show, paid 125 quid, couldn't get in the celebrity section. So then the show begins, and so a man comes out in a sparkly jacket to introduce him. Mike Reid.

Shut up! Our very own. Mike Reid, who I eat toast with on a Saturday morning. In his shorts. Hang on, you don't eat toast with him. He walks through the room and says, Morning, while you eat your toast. Don't try and make it sound like we have some big breakfast loving.

No, but I talk, I chat to him about stuff. He actually seems a lovely character. Exactly. I like Mike. I've got used to him, you know what I mean? He's like, um, I forgot. I forgot how big he was. And there he is, he's actually introducing the show.

Does he have a sequined jacket? If I'd have known, I could have said to him, can you come get me a friend? Yeah, can I be your plus one? Yeah. And then, god damn it, I couldn't believe it. like, what about, and then he tells an anecdote, Mike, right? Now, hold on, now, Mike, I used to love, you know when he did the pop quiz and all that, I know he did more than just being a DJ.

I know. Pop quiz was brilliant. So, you know, I know he's got other strands, but I didn't, he said to me, no he didn't say to me actually, he said to everyone. What did he do? I'm coming down into the audience now. No, he didn't know I was there. To talk specifically to this man who didn't get a celebrity seat.

No, he looked, he, he just, he's, he's, I was very much in his periphery vision. Oh. Um, no, no, so he did, he, and he did, you know, he did a good intro and all that stuff. And he said, yeah, I was, he said, he said I was, he said I was on... Oh, come on, tell us, tell us. He said, I've never heard you so lost for words. He said I was on holiday once with Princess Diana and the two boys. Oh, yeah. And I thought, hold on a minute.

I looked across at Andrew Lightwebber and Robert Plant and Ringo Starr sitting there. And I thought, hold on a minute. I looked across at Andrew Lightwebber and Robert Plant and Ringo Stassin and I thought, what's that? What's happened to the world? Ricky laughs And he said, what we used to do in the, you know, in the ski lodge in the evenings, is I would get the guitar out. I thought, what's going on? Is this true? He said, I would get the guitar out. He said, one night, Prince William, little Prince William, said, why don't you play Mommy's Favourite? And he said, what's that? And she said, Great Balls of Fire.

He said, I must tell Jerry Lee that after. And I thought, you went on holiday with Princess Diana and open inverted commas, the boys close inverted commas. Did you know that he was... Oh, he was well-connected. Wow, really? he was... Oh, he was well-connected. Wow, really? I didn't know he was that well-connected. I didn't know.

I was, um, I was gobsmacked. To be honest, I would have thought if he had a story like that, that would have come up over toast. Well, I would have, I mean, I would have mentioned it earlier. Yeah. I'd tell everyone that. And it didn't sound like it was... I can't believe we talked to him about that time that he got stuck in the lift, and we

don't talk about how he used to go on holiday with the Royal Family. No, exactly. I'm going to use that as an opening gambit next time. Yeah, I talk to him about tennis and stuff, which I know nothing about.

I don't know, and I could have brought up our Queen of Hearts. You've got to have a ramp into that, Frank. You can't just suddenly do that. They pass them on,

like, by the way, tell us about Di. It doesn't work like that. No, no, but, you know,

I'd find a way around that. But, um, it was pretty... legendary subt a way around that. But it was pretty... Yes, your legendary subtlety. Yeah. But it was pretty gobsmacking, I must say. I mean, what a story to be able to come out with. There was a gasp from the crowd. I just wish someone had joined me with it.

The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text and you're helping people in their life, Frank. Am I? Yeah. We've had a text from 575 who says, Hey Breakfast Club, which I think is our new gang nickname. Yeah, that was that popular Brat Pack movie, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah.

We guys were just like that, aren't we? We are. I can't remember what it was like. No. What, Breakfast Club? Oh, I loved it. Hey Breakfast Club. This is a little unrelated to any previous textings, but this week I went on a date for the first time in three years.

Oh! And whilst waiting for the lovely lady to turn up, the nerves kicked in, dot, dot, dot. After moments of panicking, I honestly said to myself out loud, what would Frank Skinner do? I don't think we want to answer that question. Well, he seems to think it went well. He woke up on a central reservation to do that, so...

He just got the era wrong. No, needless to say, we already have the next date booked, thanks. Oh, Frank! It's a civic duty you're doing for the... Wow, but what would Frank Skinner do? I think you went on the date and you were a laugh and you've won another date.

That's what I'm extrapolating from that. I don't know, I'm very busy this week. I think by what would Frank Skinner do, it would mean very funny and very authentic. Oh, how lovely. Authentic. Yes, authentic, all right. Sounds a bit unwashed to me, authentic. What are you talking about, my authentic?

Actually, authentic underwear is some of the off-the-market underwear I do wear. It's very tight around the thigh. It's like it's designed for some sort of tubular man. There is such a thing. Isn't that a nice story, though, Frank? It's a lovely story, I don't quite get it, but all the best stories are like that. Let us consider the billy goats gruff.

Do you get that? I don't get the fall. And other things that haven't been said anywhere in the world this morning. What does the troll gain from living under the bridge? Yeah, good point. There you are. To hell with the troll. Shade?

Shade? Yeah. I suppose so. Don't throw shade at me. Okay. I was at Hampton Court Palace last night. One of his days out. Oh, why didn't you tell me?

Well, I wasn't actually in the palace. I was in a marquee. You know that's my equivalent of the Playboy Mansion? Yes. In case you don't know, rather marvellously, I once asked Emily what was her would-but-shouldn't, and it was Henry VIII. What's wrong with that? No, it's great.

I've got a painting of him in my bedroom. It's great. But anyway, he wasn't in. I've never really forgiven him for the Reformation, I'll be honest with you. That's awesome. But anyway, it was a Doctor Who panel, is what it was. So I was interviewing P-Cap. Nice.

And then Stephen Moffat and Brian Minchin of the creative team. So I was on my way. Obviously, I was quite excited about it. And then we got stuck in the worst traffic you've ever seen in your life. And I thought, I'm actually not going to make it. And I felt myself tense up. I was clenched.

I'd actually drawn a lot of the upholstery into a peak on the back seat. I was in a four-seater car. Oh, yeah. I felt very closed in. You weren't in the 18 minibus. So, I was also starving. And I thought, one thing is I'm going to have to go and just go straight out there.

I won't have time to eat. So, I was starting to... The driver was already very, very anxious. And then someone called me and said, where are you? And I said, look, we're in traffic and we're going to be at least another half an hour. And then I said to him, you're the bad guy, everyone hates you. I said to the driver, which I thought would fire him on to find quicker routes. But anyway, I said, I'm...

It's a bit more stick than carrot, though, isn't it, that? It's more stick than carrot. But, you it, that? It's more stick than carrot. But you know, you have to- That's autobiography. I had no real carrot to offer him. Of course, you're hungry. But coincidentally, I said, I'm really starving, so I'm not going to have time to eat. I said, I don't- I said, if I have to do this hungry, I said, I could faint up there. That's an aggressive march.

Yeah. I think it's all about- It's all about driving her. It's all about motivation. Yeah. It's a sort of Mourinho type thing. So, um, he said, um, I'm going to do the voice. Okay. He was, uh, he was, he was from Eastern Europe.

Okay. He said, um, I have, um, sandwich my wife make for me. Oh, don't. And I said, okay. You didn't. Yeah. And he said, I have some little cheese biscuits. I said, yeah, I'll have that.

You didn't. I did. Oh, my God. I took his lunch. Well, I presume it was his dinner. How much? How much did you give him? No, I didn't give him any.

Oh, my God. Well, I thought he owed me. What, were you being late? Yeah. Okay, we were asking this morning what would Frank Skinner do. I think you've successfully answered that question. Well, it was a very... I'll tell you more in a minute,

but it does seem the obvious thing to do. You don't agree? And it came around, it was so packaged with love, do you know what I mean? It was lovely. The cheese biscuits thing got an elastic band around so once it had enough, it could go back in there. I have a poignancy, I can't bear it. It was lovely and

tasty. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had a tweet in from Mike who says, hashtag what would Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We had a tweet in from Mike who says, hashtag what would Frank Skinner do? Take a hard-working man's lunch and tell the nation how nice it was. Well, there's a few points here, aren't there?

First of all, we don't know he's a hard-working. It took him two hours to get from my house to Hampstead Court Palace. I mean, I'm not blaming him for that. The traffic was bad. And also, I'm pretty sure it was his dinner. Not his lunch. I tell you what, because he was...

I'm glad you've addressed the key issues. No, but it made absolute sense because I had to go straight on stage. He could wander about and find food. Yeah, he's probably... That's a super attitude. ...about ten minutes into your gig, isn't he? You know, he's probably queued for vegetables in his youth.

Anyway, so he... Unlike your affluent star-simplified. Exactly, yes. We didn't bother with vegetables. We had an outside toilet. Exactly. Yes. We didn't bother with vegetables. We haven't outside toilets. But anyway, so it was the sandwich as well. It felt a bit exotic.

You know, there's a sort of white bread that you can get overseas. Which, no, it feels a bit sort of, a bit sturdier. A bit sturdier than... Bimbo. Is that what it's called? What? Bimbo bread i love it no this looks like it's been made with uh one eye for troops coming over the horizon right that kind of it felt sturdy and it was it had stuff on it that you wouldn't normally get an english sandwich he said like a soft cheese which was very nice and a sal salami, a really, you know, hard-cooked...

Are you doing a dissertation on this sandwich? I've never had so much pizza. The thing is, I haven't had an holiday this year, and this is basically... This is the closest I've got to going overseas this year, was this sandwich. So, add a thin layer of... Are we talking processed cheese, or...? Soft cheese.

Well, I don't know. We're talking... Philadelphia. We're talking... Cream cheese. We're talking Eastern European cheese. I'm glad we cleared that up there. Yeah, but it was lovely. It was a nice sandwich, I have to say.

Right. Any vegetable in there? Was there a bit of tomato or cucumber? The sandwich? No, no. Who has vegetable in a sandwich? Oh, must have this onion and aubergine sandwich. He said he couldn't be bothered to queue.

So anyway, I had the sandwich and I said he couldn't be bothered to queue. So anyway, I had the sandwich and I said to him, because I thought I need to you know, let's take some of the tension out of the situation. I said this wouldn't be a bad short story, would it?

A celebrity gets into a car and then they're on somewhere and they get stuck and the celebrity says, I've got to eat before I go on and the bloke gives me a sandwich. It turns out the bloke's wife was trying to poison the husband. Actually, that is a good short story. Yeah. I wasn't with you until the poisoning bit.

And I said... I can't believe you referred to yourself as a celebrity. I feel absolutely ill. I had to use basic language. So I said, wouldn't that be a good... And then I get poisoned. And you realise that, you know, you're... I said, and the great thing about it is you are rewarded

for your kindness giving me the sandwich by escaping death. And he said, yeah, it's a good story. And I said... Did he say, more parable, if you will? Yeah, no, he didn't say parable. And he said... I like him saying, if you will. And he said,

but what about wife? And I said, well, I suppose you'd phone the police and say my wife's right. but what about wife? And I said, well, you know, I suppose you'd phone the police and say my wife's right. And then he said to me, no, no, I think I go home and chop off her head and kick it around like football. He's a great writer.

Yeah, and I thought, well, I was thinking more Agatha Christie. You've gone Stephen King. Don't say this the wrong way. To me, it's spoilt the whole... No, I like it a lot. Retrospectively, slightly impaired the sandwich. I think he's a better short story writer than you for this. Sorry.

Well, I thought... No, it was too much for me. I'd just eaten. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The Pope is on tour. He is. Have you seen that? It's exciting times for the Pope. He's gone to the States.

Oh, I hate it when people call it the States. What? I don't like that. The United States? The USA? It's one of my... I really judge people who say the States. You've judged me before. Oh, I don't like that the united states the usa it's one of my i really judge people who say the states you've judged me before i think i'll cope with it i've been judged in the past no i'm a big boy okay yeah well i i judged that as well so anyway the pope has gone to the states i'm gonna keep saying it now for the rest of the show you know that don't you um and uh and i mean he did a speech he he did quite a

long speech which i saw a bit of and that was good but the main breaking news on uh pope watch is that he then got into a fiat 500l and was driven away that's his uh the way you know every aspect of that car oh i'm obsessed with it it. Thank God it wasn't a Volkswagen. In it. It wouldn't have worked. It was very madcap comedy, wasn't it, him getting into that little Fiat? Well, he's a bit Jeremy Corbyn in that sort of very wear your humility on your sleeve. Yes. As the Americans would say, 100.

Yes. 100%. Yeah. So he likes a bit of that. It's just good to see him with... It said that they had separate... Obama met him at the airport and they had separate motorcades. That's right, yeah.

First of all, one of my favourite words in all the world is motorcade. They use that word a lot in the States. It sounds like something you might get in a bottle in a shop in Birmingham in the 70s. Yes, that's right. I can have a wagon wheel and one of them little bottles of motorcade. Can I tell you, Frank, what was also very 70s

was that he hasn't been to America before. Yeah. It's his first visit. How old are you, 74? Not only that, but he's from Argentina as well, so it's not that far away. That's true, yeah. Well, I'm gonna do it for the first- he's left it a bit late, he can't take advantage of the nightlife

at his age. Well, actually, like I said, I saw a little bit of his speech on, um, I think BBC News, and, uh, he devoted a long chunk of it to how big the food portions were there, so it's his first visit for sure. Dinner's a massive here. Yeah, and they're so friendly in the shops.

You know what? I will have a nice day. He's got a five-day tour. But how did they organise the motorcade then, if they had one each? Are they sort of side by side, and the Pope's looking across, and there's Barack Obama in his big car?

Oh, like the race in Greece at the end. I imagine that there's the thing where the drivers look at each other and do 3, 2, 1 and then they both set off simultaneously, isn't that? And then they're debating who's got the most outriders and stuff like that. Yeah, I've never really... Do you think they've got a more sophisticated way of communicating than 3, 2, 1? I hope so. You think there's some kind of earpiece situation going on? They love the curly earpiece, those. That's right.

They're quite macho, those guys, aren't they? Oh, don't get me started. They cannot be delighted with the Pope's choice of vehicle, can they? The security detail that are like, yeah, yeah, I'd like the big limo guy. Oh, I've got the Fiat 500L. And also... Well, I think you can get it into a flight case if gunfire starts. Also, bear in mind...

They are cool. There's a lot of wardrobe, isn't there? It's like a bride in the back of a car with all that... With the Pope. All that fabric. Yeah. Yes. He looked quite squashed in there, is what I'm saying.

Oh, well, this is the big Fiat 500. You know, I'm the motoring correspondent on this show. There is the Fiat 500 and there's the Fiat 500L, which is sort of a roomier version, which I'm led to believe that the Pope got in case he had to give any bishops a lift and they need to keep their hat on. So, I mean, I'm not an expert on...

I hope that there'll be cardinal outriders. That would have looked fantastic. I like that the Pope's in a Fiat 500. I came in in an eight-seater. Did I ever tell you, when I played football on the beach at Cannes... Man of the people. ...en France, and we played...

Well, I was supposed to be playing against the 1994 Brazil World Cup winning team but they were a man down so they said to me, do you want to play on our side? Wow. So I dressed in the Brazil kit and I had my team photos kids came over and had their photos up with me

thinking I was in the Brazil 1994 team and at the end of me, thinking I was in the Brazil 1990-14. And at the end of it, obviously I was rubbish, and they were still, you know, really good. And we won, and at the end of it, I... We all went up, and they all got into one people carrier, and I got into a Rolls Royce. In my kit! In my kit and my trainers. Oh, what would Frank Skinner do?

Exactly. Could I get a sandwich from the driver? No. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, the Pope. I tell you what, though, because he wears white all the time, obviously. Oh, he loves a winter white. Yeah, so he's all in white and he's going to the White House.

If he goes outside for a smoke, he could be lost for hours. I'll never find him. He's just leaning against a wall, watching the security guards going past, thinking, ah, they're full. With his menthols. I imagine he might smoke. Oh, I can see him with a menthol. Do you think a menthol?

Yeah, I see him with that. Yeah, what's the famous menthol ones? Are they coals? Something like Colgate, what are they called? Coals. Consulate. Oh, consgate, what they're called. Coles. Consulate. Oh, consulate. You can't do that.

Oh! Of course, smoking a consulate at the White House. You're keeping the, um, diplomatic theme going. It all links together, doesn't it? The writers have really knocked it out of the park on this one today. This week. Fair enough. He's got a five-day tour. Yeah.

He's like Guns N' Roses. He's got Philly, NYC. Five- I'm not even calling that a tour. Five days. I wonder if he's packed a lot of luggage or if he's just going to do it in the one outfit. They're not going to fit it in the boot. White. Out of that Fiat.

Fiat 500L. It'd be good to know how much stuff he travels with. It would, wouldn't it? How many times, does he change it every day that that the robes well he has problems with is i believe it's called a fanon what there's like a cape thing they wear oh yeah the double cape i believe it is actually called the fanon i may please correct me if i'm wrong i don't know the answer to that i'm ashamed to say they blow up in the wind yes when it's very it was very windy at the airport i thought thought, thank goodness Donald Trump isn't the president.

Because his hair would have completely unravelled. It would be like watching a house of cards come down. Do you know, my heart did go out to the Ponty. Because he had the school band playing to him. And I'm a bit phobic about the school band. Did he have the school band? Yeah, well, they had children playing for him. And I just think, come on, spend a bit of money.

I want to hear children on recorders playing Kumbaya. What about Mike Nolan's Buck Fizz? There are loads of options. But the thing is, if you're a dignitary, one of the things is you have to listen to children doing stuff. Look at the coins, the stuff she has to sit through. Yeah, true. Flowers, oh, yeah, thanks.

She has the flowers in her hand. She's got, like, you know the five second, is it the five second test if you drop a sandwich? Yeah, yeah. She does that with the flowers. Little girl comes over,

thank you. I didn't wait it. It's there. It barely touches the royal glove. Of course, the queen drives a dark green Jaguar X-Type. We've covered that before. Oh, yes.

Yeah. Interesting news. Dalai Lama,. Oh, yes. Yeah. Interesting news. Dalai Lama Bentley Continental GT. Does he drive? Completely shrink-wrapped in, like, a monogram of DL. It says DL all over it. Shut up. He's got a private number plate that says Dalai,

but the A's are fours. Oh, yeah. Excuse me, he has got a private number plate, the Pope. Did you see that? The Pope does. I don't know. The Pope has SCV1, which is Latin for Laskan City State. Oh, yes, Latin is...

I love having a Latin personalised number plate. I mean, that is special. But the... Do you think the Dalai Lama drives? I don't think so, no. I don't know. He's got the robes all up. My car, my crib, my shoulder.

He's, I can see him. He's quite 50 cent behind the wheel. Yeah, he made a little sexist joke this week, so I wouldn't be surprised if he's got like... Who, the Dalai Lama? Yeah, yeah, if he makes, if he's got like some hot wheels, I wouldn't be surprised by that. I think he's more blokey than we've given him credit for.

Does the Dalai Lama drive? I mean, in this, in this manifestation. Best sexting we've ever done. I don't want to know if he drove previously. What about if he went and took his test and just took it like that and said, oh, you know, I could drive. That'd be good. I could drive three me's a go.

I'll just remember it. That'd be brilliant. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got a little bit of banana muffin in my mouth. I don't think anybody can tell. Just crack on as you are. Sorry about that. It's funny how things creep up on you.

You know, if you're eating something, you forget you're eating it. It's just in there. You know what I'm talking about? No, I've never forgotten I've eaten anything. That's all I think about. Don't you keep a chart, a wall chart? Of course I do. I've got an app for it. An alarm goes off. There'll be apps.

Let's face it. We're eating banana muffin because it's Charlie's birthday coming up. Yeah, Charlie, who is, what is your job? Assistant producer. Assistant producer on the show. Like Chris Evans. No, and I know she's a valuable member of the team.

No, tell us on air. Valuable member of the team. I know she's valuable, but I don't know exactly the job title. That's fair enough. Okay. The show wouldn't operate without her, I know that. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Charlie.

Welcome. So, yeah, so it's her birthday. Something I used to say a lot back in the day. We can now sing happy birthday to her, if we wish. I don't think we can. Well, we can't on radio, can we? No, if we're in America... Yeah.

It's long been a thing that if you sing happy birthday on anything, you have to pay royalties for it. Yeah. But in America, they've just sorted it out, so it might come here. In America, now, you can go on American Telly and sing Happy Birthday till the cows come home. I don't know that remix version.

It's much better, actually. Is that on an advert or something? I said to them years ago, it needs a bovine element. It's a bit of a strange mash-up, but, you know. Yeah, exactly. Who wrote Happy Birthday, Frank? Can you remember? No Googling?

Is it... It's two women, is it? Ladies, it's something I know. Oh. Mildred and Patty Hill. Fantastic. I know that piece of information. That's good knowledge.

Mm. That is good knowledge. I made a little Patty Hill on my, uh, plane the other day. It's no coincidence. There's a chance, isn't there? There's a bit of searing insight on the story from a professional lawyer who said on the Radio 4 Today programme, if they've collected two million a year over that period, that's

a large sum of money. That's what he said. I think that's fair enough. I agree with that. Yeah. What I have got, though, is I recorded my own song, which is... What is it? It's a replacement for Happy Birthday that we can use until happy birthday is cleared in this country.

Oh, fine. It's just like happy birthday to you. So this is one I've actually written. Are you ready for this? Yeah. Now, what I'm using is the word anniversary, so there's absolutely no... Because it is an anniversary of your birth. Yeah. Okay.

It's not funny, it's just different. Here it goes. It's on my phone. Can you hear it? No. I haven't pressed it yet. I just check in to see if you're gonna, you know. You know, because sometimes when you're around power, you say, oh yes, I can hear it, it's brilliant,

and I haven't even pressed it yet. That was a test and you both passed. Congratulations. Just play it. Happy anniversary Happy anniversary It's 21 years since you came to be Happy anniversary

What do you think about it? What do you think? I love, love, love it. You can change the number. From 21 to Yeah, it doesn't have to be 21. The number's interchangeable. Six, eight, 53 years since you came to me. That is really useful.

I don't know how I feel about the sort of bloodhound and pick-up truck element to it, if you know what I mean. Yeah. It's a little redneck. Yeah, I don't know why it came out. I didn't have that intention at all. I was just wearing dungarees when I recorded it. That is weird.

Yeah, and I was sitting on a pig. Yeah. Maybe that had something to do with it. Yeah. But, um, yeah, I thought, I'll just record it because it's nice to have an alternative. And as soon as I linked it to the mic, I went, happy anniversary. Yeah. Yeah.

Can I just, I hazard a guess, was it a onetake wonder, or did it go through several rewrites? No, it was quite early on in the... I had a feeling. I had a feeling. I quite like it, Al. I just, as I say, there's a sort of extra in Oklahoma. Yeah, but that's all right. That's all right.

It's okay, but it's just a bit strange. I like the idea there's something much less fun going on in an adjoining room. But I always liked that idea. Yeah. No, I just, it shows. I think it's arguably a better song than Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday, if you think about it, is the line Happy Birthday to you, and then it's the line Happy Birthday to you again.

It's a minor variation, then it's the line Happy Birthday to you. it's a minor variation then it's the line happy birthday to you i 100 agree because there's two one line too many and also but but and you haven't said that since the 80s but there's um there's a lot of rhymes with you are you is an easy one and they just couldn't be bothered Daphne and Dolores Hill Pew? Yeah Hill wasn't it? Mildred and Patty Hill Mildred and Patty Hill they couldn't be bothered I hate them This is the best of Frank

Skinner on Absolute Radio I was going to read you an email that we've received actually. Do you want to go to the corner or shall we not? Yeah if you like to yeah you're the boss pal Let's go traditional Press it if you want to go to the corner or shall we not? Yeah, if you like to, yeah. I don't know where I get to. You're the boss, pal. Um, why don't we, let's go, let's go traditional. Press it if you want. Email corner.

Loud. Loud. Loud. That was really loud. Great acoustics in that corner. Yeah. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, sorry Zoe. That's all right.

It arrived a few weeks ago. In brackets, I'd have changed it to your name just for diplomacy. that corner yeah yeah uh dear frank emily and alan sorry zoe that's all right it arrived uh in brackets i'd have changed it to your name just for diplomacy but i'm sorry you can't you can't you can't think on the hoof that's my trouble to mix metaphors a bit having experienced firsthand the university culture whereby the cringing misuse of the term legend was rife yes what do you get that i think we know about that, don't we? It's been refreshing to hear your recent and previous ridicule of the phenomenon and how it belittles the true historical giants of the world.

Did we ridicule it? I think you, both on this show and perhaps in your stand-up, mentioned somebody shouting legend out of a van and you were next to a statue of King Arthur. No, it wasn't a statue of King Arthur, it was King Arthur. Oh, was it? That's why they shouted legend. I wonder why you didn't laugh, I could see you were in a pool of light.

It's been refreshing to hear your recent and previous... I've lost my track. Given that heaven is... Oh, here. Oh, here we go. Given that heaven is presumably a place with intergenerational co-mingling, it got me picturing multiple scenes where actual legends perform mundane acts now considered legendary. More specifically, I'm picturing King Arthur downing a pint of cider, Hercules pinching a traffic cone whilst Beowulf... Would you say Beowulf?

I'd say... What was I saying whilst Beowulf Would you say Beowulf? I'd say, what was I saying? Beowulf Yeah Mischievously moons an angel Each receiving the collective adulation of a group of nearby youths Unironically chanting Legend! Legend! Hurks you ledge!

Etc Can you think of any other examples of actual legends Partaking in such pseudo-legendary acts? Long-term listener, first-time writer, Max Bromley Architect in New York. Bromley Architect in New York. As Sting once sang. Yes.

Sort of. What about that? Oat cakes, oat cakes. Remember that Sting song? He went a bit folky. Oatcakes? Oatcakes. No.

As in oatcakes. Yeah. Yeah. What was he doing with them? He was just singing about them. Probably something horrible now he's singing. I think there was snow in the video. It was one of those.

Oh, dear. Oatcakes. Oat... You all right, Sting? I'm fine. I'm just having some oatcakes, man. Oh, man. How are you? So, well, I haven't had a shower for five years.

He hasn't had a shower? No, he doesn't shower, does he? He doesn't shower? No, he's got this, he just rubs in. I think he gets in, stands in the sink, and Trudy Steiner rubs him down with half a fire brick. Oh, that's good. No, he doesn't shower it's part of the whole tantric uh lifestyle how can showering be

offensive i don't think it's offensive the idea is we just don't need it well i think we do i came here on the tube this morning i can tell you categorically we do need it not me people around me well you sit it next to Sting? I was Sting. Yeah. That's what they call him there, Sting. It's a tribute act. That's right, in the video he has all those candles around him to burn up the carbon monoxide.

It's a really rubbish wedding singer tribute act. Sting. What cute... I don't know that one. Anyway, we'll come back to this in a second, but we have obligations as a commercial radio station This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We've had a text slightly chastising you, Frank

It's from 002 I cannot believe you used your own email corner jingle, Frank How can you just forget Emily like that? I think you might have heard the old one. Yeah, I did. It was me, actually, on vocals. That's quite right. But I never made... Someone made it. They grasped the moment.

But, yeah, I stand reprimanded. We also, by the way, we haven't really responded to that email. Oh, yeah. About, um... Hercules. Legends doing stuff that's legendary. I like the idea of, let's say, Bigfoot

covered in cling film manacled to a war memorial on his stag night. Legend. Yeah. Why cling film? Isn't that what they do to people on their room? I don't know.

You live in Brighton, you must have seen some stag night. I've never seen Why cling film? Isn't that what they do to people on their own? Oh, I don't know. But I think he would have quite... You live in Brighton, you must have seen some stag night. I've never seen a yeti cling film. Bigfoot's not a yeti, is he? Isn't he? He is. He's a... Yes, he is. That's what it has. No, I think...

No, that's the abominable snowman. Aren't they all the same thing? No, Bigfoot is... I don't think he's a yeti. He's into twice. He's a big, tall, slightly... he's like the missing link, I think. What's the other word for him? Somsquatch?

I don't know. Sandsquatch. Sandsquatch. Because he squashes the sand with his big feet. Yeah, yeah. Sandsquasher. It's not Sandsquatch. What's the other word for a Yeti?

Sandsquash. No, a Yeti is the abominable snowman. Yeah. Sandsquatch is probably Bigfoot. Oh, no Yeti is the abominable snowman. Yeah. Sandsquash is probably Bigfoot. Oh, no, I genuinely thought they were the same thing. Oh, well. I'm glad you've told me this. You've made a complete fool of yourself.

If I ever meet any of them at a cocktail party, I would really put my massive foot in that. Have you never seen Web of Fear? No. The Doctor Who six-parter. The Yetis are in that. Of course, they turn out to be the bits that have got metal bits. There's a lot of homework involved in doing this show.

You have to watch a lot of Doctor Who. Doctor Who! Doctor Who. How did that happen? Doctor Who would be a very English adventure. How did that happen? That would be a good parody, wouldn't it? I knew what I was going to say.

There was a bloke called Doctor Who. There must be a Dr Hugh somewhere. There must be some evil robot in it called the Derrick. All just slightly wrong. The Cider Men. It's great here, isn't it? I like this planet.

Well, I'll tell you what I saw last night I was walking home and I saw the tooth fairy completely destroying a bus stop with a lump of concrete and I went legend you know what but this thing about the legend thing which it says we

criticised it I think there's something brilliant about it. Yeah? Because I think that the people who do it, even though they're doing it in that legend way, they're actually tuning in to the very root of mythology. Yeah. That someone does an incident,

and then it's built up and built up and built up in a sort of an oral tradition till it becomes something amazing and almost supernatural and that's how the original legend started and now when Bill goes with two bar mates in a night that story gets built up, it becomes

ten, Bill becomes more drunk, more the judge Telling the story to his grandchildren Yeah, so actually they are building legends like as legends were always built good night bbc for you aren't you as well yeah i've got a bit of that in me haven't you seen me i've tried to female equivalent then do i don't think i don't think girls shout legend to each other i mean you might you're right actually if there's any um any female legends or who've called out i'd like to know that i don't know yeah that again i think in brighton you would have heard

that because there's a lot of hen parties going around a lot of hen parties going around brian but it's not the same as it wearing a pvc nurse outfit when you're the 51-year-old auntie. People don't go legend. No. No. They get worried, don't they? I personally go, she's all right. But that's an age thing, I think. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. A cake has come into the studio.

Oh, goodness. It's all gone a bit test match special. It's all going to be test, Matt, special. It's been carried by a person. Not a cake has just walked in. No. It's a miracle. Charlie has brought in a cake. Charlie, or for our French listeners, Charles,

has brought in a cake. I don't know what's French for cake. Any offers? Gâteau. Gâteau. Gâteau. In the ghetto. Gâteau. Yes yes so a cake so it's your birthday it is my birthday today yeah it's your birthday it's my birthday i wonder why i signed that card i just put best

wishes frank skinner all the best in your new job exactly yes because you're not coming back here madam oh there better be a fiver in there get yourself something nice tree cool that used to be brilliant when a car used to come with a fiver in there oh yeah excellent or even a pound note yeah yes pound note from you see i got pound notes for a lot longer than most people because most of my family are scottish so the the pound note carried on now i thought you were making some terrible racist remark about how frugal they are. No not at all that wouldn't be my style.

Are they still going pound notes? Scottish people definitely are still going. No. Some could say they're on the crest of a wave at the moment. Pound notes? No. Really? Not even in Scotland? No they're gone. Gone? But not in Scotland? No, they're gone. Gone?

Yeah. But not forgotten, as I think this chat is proving. No. Paper shops, pound notes. It's getting my last of the summer wine, this thing. It's a cracker. I've got cake. I'm drinking hot chocolate. I mean, what's going on?

I've got a hot chocolate with cream on. Oh, yeah. I hate these comedians always have to top what you've got. Top what you've got and just add it to it. Especially when they top it with cream. I'm a lactose legend. That's what's happening here. Yeah, lactose legend.

She doesn't mean she's really busty. She means she's having cream. That would be great. I would love it if that was my nickname. Here she comes, Lion's Lactose Legend. Do you think that's what the hen knights are shouting at each other after all? Oh, man, that's what you shout at Lucy Pinder. Lactose Legend.

The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went to the circus. Did you? Oh, it was very... Have you been of late? Well, you were going last week when I was round there. Oh, it was very diddle-a-doodle-a-doodle. Have you been of late? Well, you were going last week when I was round there, and I'd come to see Buzz, largely,

and I was waiting for the invitation. I'm not being funny, it didn't come. You announced, you said, we're going to the circus. As if someone of my levels of sophistication wouldn't be welcome at the circus. Well, it's just that we got the tickets in advance. They were front row. If we had invited you, we'd have had to have moved back. Do I look like the sort of woman who would have problems blagging my way into a circus?

I don't know if you've got circus contacts. I've got all contacts. Yeah. I actually wear circus contacts. They're a bit dusty. No, so it was good. It was really good. It was, I really properly enjoyed it. I'll tell you what was great about it, which I wasn't expecting. No safety nets, no wires. Woo! Yeah. Wow.

Not that I want to see anyone get badly injured, but you like to know that they could. I do want to see that. You need to, you don't want to see that. I do. Okay, but you like to know that they could. I do want to see that. You don't want to see that. I do. Okay, but fight it. We're not the circus people. Can I say it is not the official policy of Absolute Radio that we want to see people get hurt. If they've got flesh-coloured

tights, they deserve what's coming to them. But the trouble is with, um, I've said that many a time. The trouble is with wires and nets, you get to a point where it's safer to drive than it is to be a circus at, which is ridiculous. Do you like the circus, Gareth?

I do like the circus. What sort of circus was it? I think the last sort of circus I went to was maybe... It's a flea circus, did I not mention that? No, it wasn't. I went to a Chinese one where it was very flexible people. Yeah. Not a thing you often heard said about the Chinese with their civil rights record.

But that's lovely. Physically flexible. They didn't budge an inch on their ethos. Well, speaking of... Is that the Chinese car? The Ford Ethos. Um, I, um, there was a woman in a jar, speaking of flexibility. Shut up!

A woman in a jar? Yeah, she was brought on in a jar. You are having a lot. Well. What size jar? Well, you know, biggish, but jar sized. Guess what? That's not the relevant question.

I'd say. Are we talking Branston Pickle? No, no. No, we're talking terranium. Oh. Yeah. Do you know what I mean by that? No, I don't know what terranium is.

Terranium's those inside gardens that people used to buy in the 80s. Yeah. Those big jars. Say, about yay high. I'm talking, what, two feet high, maybe, and maybe 15 inches across. And there's a jar. Did it have the lid on? Was the show that someone had to take the lid off?

When she first came on, it was like a ship in a bottle. I thought, how did they get a woman in there? A what, sorry? A ship in a bottle. Oh, OK. OK. And then there's like a little door on the side, but getting out was, you know...

Was the door a jar? I do not want to be more horrified by the fact that you made that joke or that you find it so funny. I think it's clever. It's reworking an age-old joke into something new and that's what I like

is I've been a womble. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So you're at the circus. Yeah, and the woman in the jar came in, and she was a Mongolian contortionist. Can I just, I'm sorry to interrupt, but didn't you once do a very famous,

respond to a heckle about something to do with something in the jar? Yeah, someone, this is the story David Baddiel tells, that someone at the comedy store shouted a strange heckle, I remember you from medical school. And I said, oh, yes, I remember you, you were the one in the jar. I think that's fair. How did you think? I don't know, it's desperation, fear.

Oh, it was good. So anyway, I hadn't seen a contortionist in the flesh for a few years. They are absolutely like, you know, so the feet on the thing and the head, the chin at feet level in between, I mean, unbelievable. I'm a man now, I have to say, has a bit of a struggle with cutting my own toenails. You know, getting that foot up. So this is a woman who... To bite them or do you use a tool she could she could have bitten she could have bitten is that is that what happens the nervous

contortionist they bite their own toenails but it was she she really looked um amazing so yeah it's an interesting question though that i wonder if they do buy their own toenails. It wasn't the only question that went through my head when I was watching. For example, I was thinking, I don't think I've ever seen a male contortionist. Wow, it gets a bit messy. Well. It's revealing, isn't it?

They can do it. They can do it. They just never leave the house. Oh, dear. isn't it they can do it they just never leave the house oh dear but yes it was um i'm at the stones now i had to put my socks on with two selfie sticks oh it is though it's getting a bigger struggle that when you get it up on the chair. Oh, yeah. Oh, I think I want to do all five now before. Do you? Somebody collapsed. What's happened?

I don't know. Something was dropped. Frank, were there any elephants in tutus? There were no elephants. In the class accessory tutu. There was, it was a shortage of animals. There was a performing dog character who, you know, rolled over and played dead

and did flips, backflips. Wow. Can I be honest? I don't go to the circus. How much are those tickets? They were about 26 quid each. 26 quid to see a dog? Yeah, but there was lots more going on. There were horses. Oh, women in a jar? Come round mine if you want to see that love and a dog. Well, really? We'll talk. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have an email for you.

How about that? Shall I read it? Oh, emails, emails. This is off the... If Sting did the jingle, we could call it the Stingle. Or a Sting. Yeah, or we could call it a Sting, even.

What is the likelihood of Sting doing the jingle? If he's listening to this, I think he's a man who can laugh for himself. I don't. No, actually, I don't. I think he's a man who's never laughed at himself. No, you're probably right. In 300 years' time, when jingles were a thing of the past,

after the apocalypse, I can imagine Sting doing a jingle album then, when it was like, you know, harking back to days of yore. Yeah, what do you go like? You'd be going, Meridian Radio. That's the first track. Yeah. Everything will be sitar-based.

No, compare! Do you remember that... Do you remember that... There was a Life FM. What was that? It was the name of a radio station. Is it still going? And I'm sure they only chose that name because it gave them a ready-made...

They used to play that, Life, ooh life, ooh life. Was that Desiree? I don't know. I believe it was Desiree. Is that all she said in the song, life? No, I think there was all this stuff. Terrible lyrics.

Terrible lyrics. Make an effort. I can do that. The sequel's a bit depressing. Oh, I prefer that one. Well, I don't know. But they put a little apostrophe in the middle of the word, which I thought was respectful.

Oh, yeah, that was nice. Yeah. So, anyway, who's this from? This is from Andrew Hill. It says, Hi, team. With the conclusion of Bake Off and the looming pottery-type Bake Off show, can I put forward to you my idea?

No. No, I want to hear it. Sorry about that, Andrew. I want to hear it. Oh, OK jobs are good and where diy buffs have a project to build each week example some decking a child's fitted wardrobe i don't think you should fit wardrobes to children i think that seems cruel i don't know it stops them running away build. Build a shed, etc. The person with the worst project gets eliminated. Eliminated? Get eliminated?

Yes. Are you drunk? Honestly. I'm not the first person to ask me that. Okay. The person with the worst project gets eliminated. The cliché stock in trade judges comment, you've nailed it,

which would have two subtly different meanings. One, good job, well done, or two, when a dovetail joint was required and the contestant has banged two pieces of wood together, an exclamation of horror, you nailed it. Oh, I see. No, you've got it in the right way, Gareth. It's an exclamation of horror. You've nailed it? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes, yes. That's good, that's good. The child actress rose up there from, like, behemoth to sea monster. I thought the sentient human being rose up there. No, it was... I have to say, I've been...

Bloody really. I don't do much DIY, but in the period... I've probably been doing it for 40 years, I always favour a hammer over a screwdriver. Wow. And I'll tell you something, it makes no difference. Does it not?

No. It's, you know, it's an advantage because, I mean, I think that the fact you can use a hammer, and I'm exposing it now, if i go missing this week it'll be somebody from the screwdriver manufacturing um industry but i it doesn't you know sometimes you get a screw and it's got the central groove in it you know the central groove the old-fashioned um style of screw here no but then Phillips? No, not a Phillips. A Phillips, that's a mysterious world. If you think about it,

there aren't that many things in the toolbox that have got someone's name attached to it. Who was Phillips? What's wrong with the old central groove? You know, it's a great club. I used to go there a lot in the 80s. No, so he invented that strange, look, it's just

a slightly structured, it's like a Lego hole. Yes. Like a hot cross bun. Yeah, but the hammer, the hammer rather, went a bit West Midlands then, the hammer, the hammer, it cares not for the central groove or Phillips. No. You know, it's a one size

fits all. Yeah. And I've honestly, it's a one-size-fits-all. Yeah. And I've, honestly, it makes no difference. If anyone's listening who struggles with a screwdriver, I imagine there's quite a lot of you. There's any cabinet makers in, any experts in woodwork. Stop fooling yourself. A lot of those.

What about, you and Adrian Charles have done some lovely DIY together. Yes, well, we put up a child's swing. No, you can't do DIY together. D-I-T. Unless it's D-I-T. D-I-yourselves. Yes, but it's I can't think, if we could

don't text us because we're not live this week, but I wish I could think of another tool that was named after someone. Oh, let's have a think. Jimmy Nail didn't invent... No. I thought that's a bit of a shot in the dark. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Morning, Jim. Morning. Morning, Peter. Morning, Richie. Lest we forget. What about this, then? So this is the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio. A strong

beginning... Hold it, hold it! A strong beginning to the weak end. Huh? A strong beginning to the weak end. Get it? Oh, yeah. I get it, but I don't think it's that good. Oh. Well, it's the opposite,

she says. Strong and weak. Beginning and end. And also it's got weak as in weak and weak. W-E-A. I really like it, but I think I'd rather have read it. You know, like a Chaucerian joke. See, I don't know if you could read it, because if you read it, then you've said weak end,

whereas we have the ambiguity of the audio version. There you go. Good morning. Strong beginning, that. Yeah. This morning's texting. At what point in the morning does the edge put on his hat? Good question. Does he sleep in it, Frank?

He might sleep in it. He might get up and think, I'll have a wee-wee and then I'll put the hat on. He might put in it, he might get up and thinks, I'll have a wee-wee and then I'll put the hat on, he might put the hat on, it might be at the side, it might be on the, what do they call it, the nightstand in America. They might call it that. Does he think he's the edge, waking up saying, I'll have a wee-wee? No, yeah, but it's Irish. I wonder if any of the readers of the show are like family friends and they would know

because they've done stayovers. Or live nearby and walk past in the morning. Maybe walk past 11 o'clock hasn't got the hat on yet. Yeah. What's it like under the hat? Well, I don't, there'll be you two fans in there. I would be astonished to find he's got a head of luxurious hair. He can afford to get that tended to, can't he?

I know, but it's cheaper to get a hat. I don't know think it's cost based Here's the question How many hats has he got? That's another good question Has he got a hat drawer? Has he got a room? You know those heads they use for wigs?

Has he got a room of those? And all the faces are fashioned like his Yeah all got beards But the question These are other questions for another time, but at what point in the morning, if anyone's got any insight, if they've read a Q&A with The Edge,

you know, he's done an interview in the fanzine, or maybe they're doing a bit of building work around his house. Fanzine. Spot the Doctor Who fan. Fanzine. I use his gardeners. They'll know.

Oh, you could ask them. Yeah, they might know. We've had a text message saying one. I don't know if that's an answer to the question. One? One. It just says one. There's no other thing to it. Just one. One in the morning? No, it could be he's only got one hat. I don't know what they're answering. He can't only have one hat. What if he lost it at customs? I mean, it must be searched

at customs. Are you allowed to just walk through in a hat? No, I don't think so. Is it a woolen hat, Frank? It is. It's a beanie, I think. Is it? That's what you'd call it. Sarah Beanie, I'd call him. Wear a beanie. It's confusing, isn't it?

I'd call him Wear a Beanie. Oh, man. That's even better than the strong beginning to the weekend. Do you know what, Frank? That's growing on me. Yeah, is it? I love it now. I think that's probably what's happening with the edges hat. Would you clean your teeth in a hat?

The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I, um... I have a bad back. Do you know what? The TV has just had a headline on. You know, they do the headlines on the news, and it said, Operation Will Cure Back Pain, and I was just thinking, well, that'll come in handy. I get back pain, and now you...

We have the telly on in the background. Yeah, just the news. In silence. It's just... If the queen goes down, I have to announce it. That'll be down to me. Oh, mine's for Wayne Rooney reasons. Is it?

Yeah. You know, those footballers always leave their hairdryer and their telly on because they don't like the silence. Oh, I see. But do have it on silent, though. OK. Yeah, but I know it's there, Frank. OK.

Anyway, radio's better, obviously. So, yeah, you know when people say, well, I've said it, I must have told you once, I was standing in the wings with a young comedian, and I was just going, oh, holding my back, and he said, oh, you got a bad back? I said, I have, God, it's killing me. And he said, what happened? And I said, nothing. You just get to an age where they just come. They don't come with an anecdote.

This one was a little different. I was, I don't normally talk about what I've done on Room 101. We're recording Room 101 at the moment, which is a popular entertainment show on BBC One. One of the best. And I was demonstrating a thing called the Daddy Saddle. Right. What's that? You know when dads, it's the things I sort of associate with America in the 50s, dads get on all fours, as they say. Oh yeah. And the kid rides on their back

as if they were a horse. I've never called it the Daddy Saddle in my life. No, no, no. The Daddy Saddle is an item which you can wear, which is actually a saddle that enhances the whole experience. The Daddy becomes a sort of horse. Yeah, the Daddy is an equine figure. Yeah. So I put that on and invited a female guest. I don't know.

Well, I'll tell you. It was Kirsty Walk, who I'd say is what? Nine stone tops. I'd say, do you want to get... Be careful. What? Well, just with women. Okay. Don't ever guesstimate weights. Be careful with women. Be careful with women in general. What I'm saying is she's slender.

Yeah. Oh, she's slender. So I thought I can take... At which point... I'm saying is she's slender. Yeah. Oh, she's slender. So I thought I can take... At which point... I'm 183, by the way. The... Oh, OK. Well, maybe she's lighter than... Anyway.

I do it in kilograms now. She declined. I'm not getting on this. She declined. Next thing I know, the big cook, Heston Blumenthal... He never jumped on there. Not his... He bounced onto my back without any warning.

Took his feet off the ground. He's a big lad, isn't he? He is. He's a big unit, as they say. Well, all the chefs, they can really go... He's a big kitchen unit, you could say. And those glasses of titanium, they weigh a ton. Well, it was...

I'll go as far as to say it was a foolish thing to do. And my back is... I mean, I was a bit... You know, on telly, you have to keep a bit of a smiley face. Well, that's it. So, I mean, it would have served him right if I bolted with him on. So I just burst out through the studio. Through the fire doors into ongoing traffic.

And then balked and thrown in. You should have. You should have. I wish you'd be saved. Yeah, it's made me think, though, it's the last time I bet on a horse race. Yeah? I realise it's quite cruel.

It's quite a lot to take. It is quite cruel now you mention it. It is. So I took the saddle home, the daddy saddle, but I've been unable to play with my own child due to my blooming tall back. And I'll show you something else. This will be a good one for the readers. Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness.

Well, take a picture. Oh! Bang! Wow, he's... What's that? He's covered in little plasters. Well, they are... Can I hazard a guess?

Can we explain what it looks like? Yes, do. Alan? Um, I would say it was about ten or twelve small, um, almost like the size of a corn plaster dotted up Frank's back. Take a picture, Charlie. To the left of his spine. Um, here's my guess. Acupuncture. Um... Cupping. They're actually, um... Cupping. acupuncture? Cupping. They're actually... Cupping. They're actually poppers, so I can take my...

I don't mean amyl nitrate. I mean... Anything to get you through the show, yeah? Breast studs, so I can... He's been down that nightclub fire again. I can take my kidneys out and clean them. No, no, they are... What is it?

They're magnets, and they're supposed to help. I've had three sessions of physiotherapy for my bloomin' tall bat. Oh, yeah. Is he paying? Well, I think... Not yet. At the very least, you need some free grub. Oh, no.

I've got a good stick in me throat. Couldn't eat that. I've eaten there before. It's beautiful. But now, not after the bat thing. And also, my son, that knowledge that that daddy saddle is upstairs unused. It's like when the cuckoo gets into the... Tell me about it. You know when the...

I've heard it called some names. Oh, dear, dear. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have to say, I just looked at the picture of my, the magnets on my back. I realise I haven't seen my... I don't know if I've ever seen my back before. Your own back? No. No. Oh, I love my back. I'm not sure about my back. It's a bit hairier at

the base than I anticipated. Bit of a ponytail in the small of the back. I didn't see that. I was focusing on the magnets. No, that's just as well, probably. That's what I was most attracted to. No. It's like, how often does one sit and look at one's own back? That's like texting for the yogis. That's what they all take the selfies of now. Their own back? Yeah, the ladies do. Do they?

Yeah. Because you've got to have your bootay in it. Oh. Oh, I see. Oh, yeah, you're right, I suppose. I don't think this one's going to break the internet. Well, let's see. Let's see, Kim K.

Broke my back. Anyway. You were Rear of the Year once. Yeah, that was a long time ago. 2000. You and Carol Smiley, I believe. That's true. Yes, 15 years ago I was Rear of the Year. Wow. I hated the picture. It's true. Yes, 15 years ago I was Rear of the Year. Wow.

I hated the picture. It's sad. Because you wore weird tight trousers, like skating trousers. What were you wearing to try and show it off? They ask you to wear tight. I was wearing sort of long johns. Yeah. It was a pretty poly sponsored.

Oh, was it? I just throwing that in for the fashion enthusiasts. Yeah, 15 years behind the curve. 15 years, but now I feel like, you know when you see an old Bond girl and you think, aw. Yeah. That's how I'd say no if I saw Maria, probably. Maria? Yeah, not Maria.

The most beautiful sound I have ever heard, Maria. Maria, Maria, Maria. Most beautiful sound I have ever heard. My Ria. My Ria. My Ria. My... Oh, that sounds a bit worse than I wanted it to. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Me by gum, me by gum, me by gum, male corner. There you go.

And I have an email. It's all gone a bit Kenny Everett now. It's just jingle pon jingle. Hello all. I was listening to an old podcast recently. This isn't me, by the way. I'm reading. No.

I was listening to an old podcast recently. That's it with the actors. You see, you can't tell whether it's their words or someone else's. Amazing first time quality I've got to it and Frank was explaining the Skinner effect unofficial name, it's the phenomenon phenomenon of standing in the sand, thank you

standing in the sand whilst the tide goes out and you feel like you are going backwards, I explained this to my boyfriend who nodded and seemed to understand what I was talking about, I however wasn't convinced so I asked him again and he revealed that he had no idea what this phenomenon was and had never experienced it when i asked him why he lied he just replied to stop you going on about it which led me to the question have any of the team ever pretended to understand something and consequently

been found out or even better can they reveal on the show what they have lied about not understanding? No praise at all. And that's from Laura Jackson. I'll be absolutely honest. I have never really got to grips with absolute radios. No repeat guarantee. What does it mean? What is the timescale on that?

What are they actually promising? They're not going to repeat a song. Is it forever? No, it's between certain hours of the day. It's like peak time, like nine till five or... So it's just that during that period... Ten till something. See, you're struggling.

Yeah, but... Nobody knows what it means. I understand the principle, not the detail. No, the principle is we won't play the same song twice. I don't think it applies to us on Saturday. Does it not? No, so you could play the same song again and again and again. That's a relief.

Are we meant to do the no repeat guarantee days? Look, I love this station. They've got a... Hang on a second. I'll check this one. I bring my contract with me every week. It's just right here. Maybe the listeners will know if we're meant to do it.

They won't. Nobody knows. Frank, someone will know. I don't think anyone knows. It's like the Citizen's Charter, the No Repeat Guarantee. Skinner effect. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I was just asked what I didn't understand. That was it.

The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, I was just asked what I didn't understand. That was it.