The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - The Big Five

Episode Date: September 3, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is with the A Team and he has received a special shipment from DG. The team talk Kate and Wills in Cornwall, give some university based advice and take a trip to email corner.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with, um... There's something of the evil professor about that. I like speaking English as a foreign language today. I'm with Emily Dean. Well, she's all you'd ever want. She's the kind I'd like to flaunt and take to dinner. I'm with Alan Cochran. Everybody was going for a fight, see.

And I'm Frank Skinner. Oh, he's the loneliest man in the world. Oh, good morning and welcome to the show. Please text us. I mean, please. Come on. Come on. Please text us. I mean, please. Come on. Come on. Text us on 81215.

You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. I don't know if anyone follows the show. We just press follow, darling. Do you? Yeah. I think we click on follow. Is that right?

Yeah. Click. We will follow Jesusesus come on everybody email the show or via the absolute radio website which is one of those old-fashioned website things not old-fashioned obviously it's cutting edge so um i am if you were edges, you know the edge from U2? Oh, you've got an obsession with the edge. Could you have a card in the window that says cutting edge?

Cutting edge. I'm cutting edge. Well, as you know, I know I always go on about this, but you know my gardener works for U2. Yeah. So he can have cutting edge. Because he does cut the edge's hedges. Yeah, cutting edge. Oh, yeah. Cause he does cut the edges hedges. Or he could have, yeah, cutting hedge.

Yes. But with a, he could put the eight in, in saying brackets. I, you know what, I think he's gonna say to me, I'm having that. Yeah, they can have it. Mm. Have it, have your stupid pond. Ricky laughs You know.

Gardener man. You know, I do a Friday night trawl where I look through the emails to see what we've received last night, as it were. Yeah. I love you, all the FNCs. Somebody's famous. Somebody's really getting into the tune of your way of thinking. This email's just titled, whatever happened to dot, dot, dot,

and then when you open it, it says, athlete's foot. And that's it. Oh, I like that. I think that's still about. I think it's still about. I think it's still about. You know what I like? Frank's very strict about entry into whatever happened to him.

Very strict. I mean, he wouldn't let chillblains in recently. No, again. Is that right? There's too many footbaths still, and this is coming in. I think that must be the same person. He's still, where should I start? I'll start at the bottom.

How many feet things do you not see anymore? And I think you do, those are around, chill blends. You're not even allowed corn plaster in? No, because you still see those in chemists on the... You do. I do, in the chemists I go in. Yes. So, Frank, you've had quite an exciting morning.

Well, I've had the best possible start to the day. But then I got up and came to work. Oh. And I had a... Occasionally, I get sent free stuff. And now I never... I never ask. I'm not one of those people...

No? ...who's dropping hints on the radio. You're no Beggy Beggy. I'm not sure about that. You think I do? Yeah, I think... Go on, give me one example. Can I be in Doctor Who.

That was... Well, that was different. That was different. That wasn't a hint. No-one could call that a hint. It was a sustained campaign. Fortnum's Piccadilly. Oh, yeah.

No, did I? I don't know if I... Well, it went to the top of the bestseller list. It did, I... After you mentioned it. That was weird, wasn't it? Only for a few days. But that was the closest I've ever been

to being Delia Smith. To being Tom Daley with the master pan. Tom Delia, I call him. Tom Delia. Anyway, I got a shipment of... You got a package. I did get an enormous package this morning. Oh, God.

I got several pairs of pants and some lovely t-shirts and some slightly silky pajama trousers, I'm going to call them. Although I'm thinking of wearing them. I'm going to lounge around the house in them a la Catherine Hepburn. And who are they for? In bringing up baby. That's the look I'm going for.

Sorry, but if you get that, it's actually quite funny. Just me and you, Steve. I'm guessing there's one person who gets it. Anyway, so I got a fabulous... Two bags, actually. It was two bags full. Two bags full. And after this, I'll tell you who's...

The big reveal. Who's responsible. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, I got an underwear shipment... Yes. ...from David Gandhi. I would say

probably the premier male model, wouldn't you? Oh, yes. Yeah. Norman Scott, maybe. I'm not going to argue with that. Norman Scott who was involved in the Jeremy Thorpe case was a high-profile male model. He was always described as... Okay, keep it light. Former male model, Norman Scott. I think it was alright.

No one got... Well, the dog got killed. But, you know. I don't know what you're talking about since you said David Gandy. You don't know about the Jeremy Thorpe case? I'll tell you when the music's on. It's not really breakfast stuff. No, it really isn't. Gandhi, on the other hand. Gandhi,

so Gandhi sent me an O'Dearest Frank. Gandhi does a range, or he should, he doesn't have his own underwear shop. I call him Gandaji. He has it at M&S. Yeah. He doesn't have his own shop that he's selling on the market, which is what it may sound like.

Emily told me she thought you needed an upgrade from your Calvins. We should say something new. Emily talks too much, in my opinion. To new readers, you've been sporting Calvin classics for many a year. Yes. And I might have shared that with Gandhi. So I thought I'd get you into my underwear. Kind of.

You rascal! Hope you like the selection. Best, David. And there's pictures. I mean, he's, you know. He's not bad. No, he's not bad. Frank is quite obsessed now.

Frank's got mentionitis. He keeps saying all morning. I mean, the thing about David. Yeah. It's getting embarrassing. I know. You've got a man crush. Oh, Gandhi.

You came and you stuffed me from wearing Calvin Classics. Can I recommend that you take a trip to the Marks and Spencers on Oxford Street after the show where there are many massive pictures of David Gandy? I don't want to get carried away. Eight foot high, I'd say they are. Eight foot high, yeah. That's what I thought. Anyway, that's absolutely lovely.

That's very kind of Gandy G. And I just want to wear it all. I mean, can you see me at home in silk pantalon? Well, he's gone for the quite modern approach, Gandhi, which is the silky tee with the pyjama trousers. Is that what they look at? You seemed initially slightly flummoxed by it. Well, you know, I am of not only a different generation, but...

Of everything. Yeah, a different species, judging by the... You know, I am going to be like when you see those 50-year-old women in rah-rah skirts. I don't care. You know, the joy of the free. Lovely, comfortable. Yes. So that's what a lovely start to the free. Lovely. Comfortable. Yes. So that's what I love.

I brought pyjamas. Would you start to the deck? Pardon? I brought pyjamas with me yesterday because I've been on the road. Are you expecting a long show? No, I went to stay at my friend's house because it's nice when you get to a friend's house. If you know them well enough. And I went and put my pyjamas and a vest on.

I love that. And he's hung out in his living room. You stayed up like that? Yeah, yeah. I do that with friends sometimes. I'll take over just like, I mean, not a onesie necessarily, but yeah, just some nice gym jams and a loose t-shirt. I'll take them over to the friends. I'd been on the road all day in a suit and boots.

I just wanted to, you know. So you had a vest and pyjamas? I wore a vest and pyjama bottoms. I blame the landmark British sitcom season on BBC. People sitting around your living room in a vest has become the norm. It might have been a bit of that. Al, did you see Frank was very... Did you see with Ludovic Kennedy?

Frank was very impressed by my folding earlier. I folded all the Gandhi T-shirts. That was unbelievable. And a good, what we call a shop-style fold. A shop-style fold t-shirts. That was unbelievable. And a good, like, what we call a shop-style fold. A shop-fold. There's no style about it. It was a shop-fold. Oh, was it a shop-fold? They just looked like I was buying, I mean, I picked them up and held them up by the, you know, you hold them up by the shoulders to have a look at them. And there's policemen listening to this saying, yeah, yeah, but not suspects. I'm talking about T-shirts.

And then they were all crumpled. I put them back in all crumpled. I mean, I love David, but he hadn't... The packing, he hadn't folded them. No, it didn't look folded. No. Around the packing area. I, um...

I want to run something by you on this because this is how one employs the specialist skills of one's colleagues is going to be where we're going next. Case, you want to make a cup of tea? Absolute

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, what was we talking about? Oh, yes. Oh, the fact that I'm a really good folder. Yes, so honestly, Emily did the best folding that I've seen outside of professional retail. Oh, thanks, Frank. I suppose all retail's professional, come to think of it.

But anyway, and you may recall, regular readers of the show will know that a few weeks ago, Alan revealed that his great skill is tiptoeing. Very good tiptoeing. So he can arrive late at night and get up, make a meal, joggle. Yeah. All of that. Yeah, play, what's that game with the wooden... joggle all of that play

what's that game with the wooden what's that game with the wooden things cricket, skittles no Jenga you can play Jenga, you can do all that and not make a sound I mean it's mainly the tiptoeing though yeah but the tiptoeing is the great it's the edge of the stairs

so I was thinking I've got these two people, one at my left hand and one at my right, and what could we do? If anyone's got any suggestions on 8, 12, 15, I'm talking on a couple of... This is like a professional... To incorporate our two skills. Yeah, so what could we do with a really good folder

and a really good tiptoe? If anyone's got any ideas, 8, 12, 15. That number again, 8-12-15. Ha-ha! Here on Absolute Radio, where real music matters. That sounds ridiculous, but you wouldn't have to move your dial very far to find people doing that unironically and thinking,

God, I'm on top form this morning. That's what worries me. It's alright. Do you think that's what they think? Absolutely. Yeah. They'll say stuff like, just coming up to 8.30 at the moment and the weather's looking pretty good. And then they put the music on and think, well, that went well.

Got the timing and look, a sort of general comment on the environment. Why not? Well, God bless that they've got work. Well, yeah. That's why, you know, they used to write on the old school reports, could do better. You know, you asked the wider readership of the show for advice about what to use me and Emily and our skills for.

Don't say we've had a responder already. No, we haven't. But I've got a similar thing. On my Friday night trawl, somebody's emailed titled University. Hi, guys. This most definitely isn't your standard commercial radio correspondence, but I'm about to start... Come on in, then. I'm about to start a degree in English literature. I'm pretty sure that Frank and Emily have said they studied English. Sorry, Al.

Yes. What, you studied something? Was it woodwork? I did acting. Housekeeping. And I'd love to hear how you both found the course and would really appreciate any general university tips. Warmest wishes, David, aged 18 and three quarters.

Oh, lovely. Hi, David. Isn't it? That sounded creepy. It wasn't meant to be. It really did. For goodness sake, I've got god Oh, lovely. Hi, David. Isn't it? That sounded creepy. It did. It really did. Goodness sake. I've got godchildren your age.

Hi, David. Hello, David. Frank? I went to polytechnic initially. Oh, my God. That's so cute. And then I went to university. And I thought polytechnic was better.

Right. I think what they should have done is changed the universities into polytechnics rather than the other way around. But, hey, that is a political... I'd say Jeremy Corbyn. It's a political stance. I don't smell a roll-up. No.

It's the only difference. Yeah, but what's your big tip for university? Don't grow a beard. That's what I did. Well, that didn't really affect me, to be honest. I had a wonderful time, I have to say. Oh, you're disgusting. I was about to say something negative, obviously.

This is me we're talking about. I think the best advice I heard, it wasn't necessarily advice, but a good summing up was I had a copy of Ulysses from the library and someone had written at the end of it 799 pages and no punchline. And there was some truth in that. So I don't know if I'd bother reading the whole of Ulysses. That's all I'd say. It just made me think about...

What? Ulysses. Those other radio things. Oh, don't, why? Because there's 790 words in that bunch. Guess what, Frank? Origami burglar. Oh, brilliant.

That would be... Don't steal anything, just make swans out of it. Thanks, 014. That's excellent. Now, my serious advice to David, the student, is I think one of the best things I ever did was an English degree, and it changed

my life in so many ways for the positive, although I spent about three weeks being so up myself that I told a bloke in a pub, I said to him, well, I don't know if he's interested in your opinion, a matter of your educational status, and he beat the... He really beat me up quite badly. said to him, well, I'm interested in your opinion, a man of your educational status. And he beat the... He really beat me up quite badly.

And the next day I limped into the pub and bought him a pint and thanked him for giving me humility. Good night. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 033 Stealth Butler, Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Anyway.

033 Stealth Butler, Frank. Stealth Butler is very, very fine. Also, I went to school with someone called Stealth Butler. Yeah, I can imagine. I can imagine you could have someone called Stealth Butler. American exchange student. It's very heartening. Was it Stealth Butler III? Al, it's very heartening. Was it Stealth Butler III?

Al, it's very heartening. There's a lot of jobs we could work together. A lot, yeah. Stealth Butler. Very similar to Stealth Butler. Benji has texted, Em and Al could start a business creeping into messy people's houses and folding all their laundry while they sleep.

I am one of those messy people, though. Would it be all right? Would that still be... If you got in through someone's window, didn't break anything, got in through an open window and folded things neatly and went away, would that still be illegal? It would be extraordinary. Yeah, I think it's... You're not breaking...

Trespass, is it? Yeah, it's trespassing yeah so a stealth but i might have a stealth butler if i have he's doing a lousy job i'll tell you that but that'd be the thing is buy someone a stealth butler so they don't know yeah that would be good for the two proud yeah like when that woman lived on the Michael's floorboards. Do you remember that? Some mad stalker. I'm not saying mad. I don't want to question her human essence. Say an eccentric stalker lived under his floorboards.

Listened to him walking around in them cowboy boots. So much of today's show is an education to me, it seems. Do you remember the cowboy boots from You Gotta Have Faith? Oh, I remember that. Oh, that was back when he still wore shoes back then. No wonder he can't drive in those. What, with a Cuban heel? He should keep a pair

of flats in the car that he can just slip into. I like a heel for driving sometimes. I think shoes were the least of his problems. But not a cowboy boot for driving. I've never tried a cowboy boot in my life. It's all right if you're driving cattle. Exactly.

What about actual cowboys? What? Well, they have to get in their trucks now. They drive now, cowboys. No, I know. Not the cowboys. When I was in Montana, I wish I really want then to be able to reach across for a jingle that goes...

When I was in Montana, I was talking to the old timer and he said, you guys sure do wear a flat shoe. No, the cowboys were still on horses, totally. They were a bit sniffy about motorised vehicles. Well, this was 1860. Well, that's true. In a previous life. I'm one of the few people who've had a previous life

who wasn't a serving wench in the West Country. Oh, yeah. People who've had a previous life almost always were serving wenches in the West Country in the 18th century, and they have a vague memory of a trap door in a barn. That's always what happens. So, I mean, what is it with people? Yeah.

No, but what is it with people? 8, 12, 15. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. You know, we sometimes get texts that I'm not sure they're meant for this show. Oh, yeah, what is it? 597 has just texted, I don't like it. Does it? I think...

Well, that could refer to so many things. I know. I think that's almost... I hope it's not a call for help. I think that's almost certainly directly to this show. Do you think so? Do you think so? I think that's normally what a detective says in a drama.

I don't like it. When they've come across a piece of evidence or something, and they think it smells a bit fishy. Yes, well... And in the spirit of bringing people in, 373 has texted, why do you call the show Listeners Readers? I don't know how that happened. I do. I think I was explaining the story

and I said new readers start here, which is what you used to get in serialisations. And then it grew from that. No, that's not what happened. Isn't it? No. That's how I remember it. I know, but you made a mistake and you essentially just... Hold on. Run that by me again.

It's been really good working with you, Emily. Yeah. Oh, well. Back to the folding. But, uh... Back to the fold. You mistakenly referred to them. It was a genuine mistake, and like so many mistakes, beautiful things are born out of them sometimes.

Yeah. Yeah. Look at Zsa Zsa Gabor. Yeah. What is she... Zsa Gabor. Yeah. What is she... My Parents' Marriage. No, it's the title of my next year's Edinburgh show. Look at Zsa Zsa Gabor. Yeah, I've just decided that's what I'm going to call it. The whole thing's going to be about Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Do you know who Zsa Zsa Gabor is? Yeah. Yeah, OK. Don't worry, don't get stroppy about it. What about if I decided now that that's going to be the show and I'm going to research her life and make an hour long comedy show about it? Just an hour? Go for it. Yeah, no, no, an hour

will do. Alright, fair enough. We can always extend it a bit for the two of bringing Eva Gabor, the sister who starred in Green Acres. Good knowledge. Good knowledge. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Can I ask you a question?

What size did Gandhi get you? Because that's a hard thing to judge with a man. And I just wonder whether Gandhi erred on the side of caution or did he overestimate, did he underestimate? Can I guess, I think Gandhi went medium because that's safe. Would you say? What do you think, Al?

What would you go? What size did Gandhi get you? I would have got you a large and a boxer short, I'm afraid. Because with the name Gandhi, you think there should be a very small size called hunger strike. Oh, Frank. What? It's all right. it's very noble yes media they are

medium hipsters oh i'd never go to uh a medium hipster would you because you know you're trying to contact your your brother just telling you what corduroy jacket yeah and he's got like silly short trousers on and no socks and a big beard. Yeah, but never mind that. Okay. Did you know... Medium's always saying... There's something else I want to talk about. All right.

Okay, I'm excited about this. The name Noah is now in the top ten. The papers talked about this. It took a while. Wow, that was a slow burner, wasn't it? Yeah. Of course, he could have got away with a slow burner. How do you think...

There were some clever headlines. How do you think the papers broke this news? A flood of Noahs. Oh, congrats, you're well done. Oh, really? A flood of boys called Noah. There was another one. Right, first time. Which was really? All right. Flood of Boys Called Noah. There was another one. Right, first time.

Which was Ark at This. Ark at This. Okay. What about the amount of people called Noah's could be represented by an upward arc? Mm-hmm. Would that be for a headline? Okay, let's...

Not happy? Not happy with that? Let's workshop that a bit more. You're getting the sense you're not happy with it what about i don't think you sold it okay noah you didn't can we add oh no you didn't oh no you didn't i think yeah oh no you did yeah something like that yeah we'll workshop it anyone's got any ideas for the fact that it's not the top name but it's shot up the charts oh it has it's in the charts it's number seven number seven with a

bullet that's noah number one is oliver dickens beats god at this stage yeah it's quite one for the English literature student there. Exactly. Okay, I think Noah is... The trouble is, if you then become a medical man, you become Dr Noah. It's a bit too much like the Bond film. Oh, I think that's a great name. There's some other very unusual names I've entered there. There's Jackson, J-A-X-O-N. That's a first name. Yeah.

Obviously, they don't do surname charts. Oh, yeah. Is that for boys or ladies? J-A-X-O-N. J-A-X-O-N. Yeah. Come on. Really? Yeah, well, people... There's nobody called that. Well, I've never met any Jacksons. Me neither. If you're called Jackson with an X... I've met with a CK, obviously.

I suggest you tune into a... I've met plenty. ...a more youth-based radio station. Grimmy. Stop bothering us with your beautifully on hairy ears. So, um... Yes, I think maybe it's time for... Roman is one.

Hmm? What would Enoch Powell say? Yes, I think maybe it's... Roman? Roman is one. What would Enoch Powell say? Like the Roman I seem to see, the river Tiber foaming with much blood. We'll be back after this. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text our show at 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or, alternatively, you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's up to you. They have been. They've been getting in touch in their droves. Droves, even.

And you put out the question, what can mine and Emily's skill set be used for? Because Emily's very good at folding. I'm excellent at folding. And Alan's a good tiptoe. I'd say I'm one of the best tiptoes in the history of tiptoeing. I saw some fantastic tiptotowing at the weekend. Oh, where was that?

Where did you see that? Was it through the tulips? I'm not questioning. Mime Festival. Mime Festival. No, it was actually at a country show in Winchcombe. Oh. Do you know Winchcombe in the...

No, I do not. In the West Country. Is it West Country? It's Gloucestershire. Anyway, so, yeah, it was, I mean, it wasn't human. It was one of those fantastic things when a dog walks on its hinder legs. Oh, excellent. Oh, I love it when dogs do that.

And it's that tentative, that sense of, oh, it could go wrong, but it's so, it really feels to me like something very, very special when you see that in the flesh. It's so brave of them. No-one was holding its hands or anything. It was just doing it. I mean, that delicate little step. I respect them for putting their dignity on the line as well.

And their legs form a sort of a perfect circle. I'm slightly obscured by their organs, but, I mean... But, you know, the legs have got that. I just think, oh, man. So that's a different kind of tiptoeing, I know. It is. What a delight it is. But one of the suggestions is quite germane.

We've had a text, 451, has suggested they could pack for people overnight, ready for them to go on holiday in the morning. We could tiptoe in. Oh, yes, because we do it, the silent packers. You know that, you know when you've got to get up early for the holiday and you don't want that stress, do you? But if someone tiptoes in and does your packing, you could go to bed early.

That would be great. And also the packing would be... The silent packers would also... Very nicely folded. We'd just leave as well. They'd never see us. But it'd be beautiful. And I bring this up because Sorry, I went out with a lady once and she

she used to pack individual outfits in plastic bags. Oh, my kind of woman. If she went away for seven days, it'd be seven little plastic bags so a suitcase a suitcase if if if she went away for seven days it'd be seven little plastic bags and then it would be like you know pants brassier so for every the entire look for that day yeah but you i mean you have to be going somewhere where the weather's fairly

consistent so you can predict you know if you're going to hawaii yes 82 degrees with a light breeze you know what you're getting well i'm going to utah uh next at the beginning of the year okay and i have no idea what the weather's like over there not a clue if someone would care to text in i'd find that useful it could be 90 degrees it could be minus minus 7. I honestly have no clue what the weather's like in Utah. Thinking back to John Wayne films, pretty warm is how I would... Warm and a bit dusty. OK. Voice of controversy here. That's how I'm seeing Utah.

OK. Well, there was a reason that I brought this up, which is that Wills and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, no less, have been to Cornwall on like a not quite a holiday, I don't think but they did some holiday things like they met some people on the

beach and they went drinking they did some holiday stuff Did they have an informal walkabout? They had a walkabout, yeah Do you remember that to Ronnie's joke that the Queen went on a short informal walkabout Today when she hit her thumb with a hammer

Absolutely marvellous I miss them Better than Morecambe and Wise I think I had 12.15 Wow I do How often do you quote a Morecambe and Wise joke Better than Little and Large, probably.

Well, that's a whole other story. OK. Anyway. There are marvellous things about Little and Large and their story, which I absolutely love. Do you know how they got together originally? No. That Sid Little was doing a gig and Eddie Large was in the audience just as a heckler.

Really? And he heckled so well in the end he got up on stage with him and sort of completely stole the show and then sort of i suppose in a way he sort of kidnapped him and made him his comedy partner why haven't they made a biopic i would watch that no but i did an interview the other day and they started by saying to me, because I heard that you used to go to Birmingham clubs and just heckle the comedians, and that's how you became a comedian. Complete nonsense.

I think I've been mixed up with Eddie Lodge. Again? Again. I'm sick of it now. I've straightened the hair, but it's made no difference. I've ironed it. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Yeah, the reason I brought up the old dirt packing is that Wills and Kate seem to have a slight packing nightmare. Because he was talking to some surfers on the beach. Was he? He was, yeah. Yeah. And he said, we should have brought our

wetsuits, not our wetsuits, not Spider-Man and Spider-Woman. No, we wear wetsuits when we're on the webcam. He said, we should have brought our wetsuits. I'm very jealous. Living by the beach is just perfect. And then he later added, I'm feeling really annoyed that I'm not in the

proper gear. You sense when he said that, that there was some backstage staff going into a panicky overdrive suddenly a chinook lowers down on a rope that day still with the labels on two fabulous swimming outfits i felt for him with suit on the beach is not a good look. Yeah. It's either a bit detective inspector. It's quite broad church. It is.

Or... Yes, it needs to be standing next to tape. Yeah. Or I'm going piano man washed up on the beach. Yeah, but you've got to have no shoes and socks on for that. And ideally no shirt under the jacket. What I like to call Frankenstein monster chic.

Remember when the hotel porter came down once? Came down. He was sleeping. He was sleeping behind I went into a hotel late at night. Were you with David Baddiel? Not a class. No, I was all alone. Okay. It was not a classy hotel.

And the reception was closed. I hadn't checked in yet, so I knocked on the blinds. And I thought, and suddenly the blinds went up and there was a bloke standing there in a suit but with no shirt on under the jacket. And he'd clearly been sleeping. It was fabulous. Little Frankenstein.

Anyway, where were we? Oh, we were on the beach. What I like about this is Prince William saying to some people who live near the beach, I'm very jealous. Living by the beach is just perfect. I hope at least one of them thought to say, mate, you're a prince.

Your life is pretty perfect. You can live where you want. You could have a beach built in London. Yeah. Exactly. Also, they could just grab a Chinook. Chinook could take him to the beach any time. Yeah, I'd Chinook it everywhere.

Yeah. Would you? I think landing would be a problem, though. You don't have to land. You can just jump into the water. You could dive. He could with his wetsuit and his military training. He's probably got that skill.

Get one of those little step ladders, rope ladders. Tom Daley would go with him the first two or three times just to show him the route. Tom Daley? Yeah, but he's got the master pan now. It slows you down. Oh, yeah, that's true. Didn't work. I mean, the master...

It's a terrible advert for fried food, his performance in the Olympics. Oh, he's... He's gone down since the master pan. Yeah, well, it's so tempting, isn't it? You think, well, I've filled two of the sections with healthy stuff, but what about a bit of black pudding in that one? Mm-hm.

Nice. Yeah. That's a hell of a quote. They did a few hand gestures, didn't they? They did the gnarly sign, didn't they? Oh. They did the gnarly sign. Yeah.

Are you familiar with the gnarly sign? The gnarled hand. Like, whatever they call that. It's called the gnarled hand. Are you familiar with the gnarly sign? The gnarled hand. Whatever they call that. Let's call it the gnarled hand. Isn't that what it's supposed to be? It looked like a gnarled hand. Gnarled hand is Emily's thing when she's embarrassed. She does like an arthritic claw. No, it looked like, you know when sometimes you shake

someone's hand and you think, oh. Frank, can we just establish, gnarled hand has nothing to do with gnarly. Gnarly is surf speak. It means like rad. Well, I think... Do you understand any of that? I think you'll find that originally,

it's Hawaiian greeting, that hand. Yes. And that's why it's associated with surf. I believe so. In fact, when Elvis did Alawa from Hawaii... A classic. ...which was beamed round the world on satellites... I love that movie.

..he did to camera the gnarly. That's one of my favourite films, Frank. Some of the lays in that. But I'll tell you something. Some of the lays I've seen in films, I can't tell you. But anyway, what is it about the royal family? They're like... I have a four-year-old child, and it's a similar thing.

If he did one of those hands, we'd all go, Whee! And the royal family are the same. If they, like, actually pulled a pint in Cornwall, not that well. Whee! Like, they're such imbeciles. If they do the most basic thing they are to be encouraged.

It's like they've come back from some terrible accident, the royals. They've got to be encouraged to do the most. If you'll forgive me, isn't that what it's like in the moment of the white heat of fame? I don't think, is he? It is a bit. I think if I did a gnarly in the 90s

and i did most stuff um i i don't think anybody would have thought well fancy he's able to do that yeah but they did say when you just danced in your pants to the venga boys yeah but it's not that they think the royals are lovely for joining in. It's sort of based on the theory that one expects them not to be able to do the most basic things in life. The dog standing on its hind legs. No, compared to... Exactly. Now, the fact that the gnarly was in the papers, people just holding out their finger and thumb,

that was in the papers. Dog on hind legs didn't get any coverage. Not even locally. Shows that the world is upside down. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

If we can just momentarily step away from William and Kate's holiday. You mentioned... It's a newsflash. No, not quite. You mentioned that you love Malcolmcambe and Wise more than Thingy. No, no, it was the other way around, wasn't it? I like Morecambe and Wise, but I think

the two Ronnies are funnier. He thinks the two Ronnies are better. You also said, how often do you quote them? Well, I don't think you quote Morecambe and Wise, you see, because they do, like, funny faces and things. I'm afraid Mark Connor Grimsby, I don't know if that's a double-barrel name or if it's Mark Connor. I hope it's called Mark Connor Grimsby. Mark Connor Grimsby would be one of those double-barrel names that nobody is intimidated by, would it?

That includes Grimsby. Yes, the Grimsby is quite a leveller, I find. Frank, I quote Morecambe and Wise almost every day. When an ambulance passes me at great speed, he won't sell many ice creams going at that speed. My kids have heard it millions of times. Yeah, but that's one joke. I'll match that with... I'll give you...

Two Ronnie's jokes for that quote. So what about Zachariah Mole, the world's untidiest man died today and he's currently lying in a state. Good? Albert Breitbart, the world's untidiest man died today and he's currently lying in a state. Good. Yeah.

Albert Braithwaite, the well-known receiver of stolen goods, died this morning when he fell off the back of a lorry. OK, two on. Also, Emily. Hello. 686 has very kindly texted you. Utah is Winter Olympics cold in winter. Hello. 686 has very kindly texted you. Utah is Winter Olympics cold in winter. Right. And desert hot in summer.

Oh. Take your pick. Sam, London. P.S. Check out the Big Five National Parks. They're awesome. Oh, they're on my list of things to do. What are the Big Five? Have you ever been on safari? No, no. On safari, they tell you... I don't think we'll see the Big Five today, if you've ever been on safari.

Is that right? I was at the World Cup in South Africa and we had some time off towards the end, so we went on safari. Is that the Big Five animals? The Big Five is, I think, it's hippopotamus, lion... I'm going giraffe. Crocodile.

No, but there's one... I think something like water buffalo is in the Big Five. How did that get in the Big Five? Do you know Respect? Respect for making it into the Big Five. It's like, do you remember David Copperfield? It was in that comedy show with Tracy Ullman and Lenny Henry. Three of a Kind.

Yeah. That's what the Water Buffalo is like. It's had the breaks and it was big for a time. Like Mike from The Young Ones. It never really made it like the others did. Yeah, yeah. I think the water buffaloes... If anyone can text in the Big Five wildlife animals.

Official, not their own five. This is not a list show. I want the official. And when he says they're awesome, I like that because I think he actually might mean that they do create awe. You look at them and go, wow. Yes, you get filled with awe. Not like I say awesome too much, just

meaning well done. I've been to, um... What if I'm the water buffalo on the show? Oh. I've been to the one with old face. Oh, thanks for the reassurance. Oh, sorry. No, no, you're not. You're not the water buffalo. Thank you. Ridiculous. Thank you. Um, I... I've been to Yosemite.

Is that one of the big five? But I've never been to me. I love that song. Is Yosemite the one with Old Faithful? I don't know. Do you know Old Faithful's enormous geezer? And I'm not going into doing an online betting advert. You can get all the odds you want for, uh, Big G's and Yosemite Park, and all that for me, all that. Fruit?

You want some fruit? Get off me. Smell of aftershave. Disgusting. Where does Yogi Bear live? He lives in, um, Jellystone Park. Jellystone, yeah. Oh. And brace yourselves, he's smarter than the average bear. Okay,

Yogi. I mean, they're all there. They're all just like... Do you think they're better than Morecambe and Wise? Yeah. Those bears. I think... No, I like Morecambe and Wise, but they're not very quotable. I've got the Big Five here as well. Music first, then Big Five.

I'm on the edge of my stool. Still, I've got time to go during this. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Well, you were waiting to find out the big five. And we're talking about on safari, by the way. Kirsty has got in touch to say, and she's from Upper Hayford, but she's originally from South Africa. Oh, OK.

So she knows where all she speaks. She says lion. Yeah. Leopard. You can't argue with that. Leopard's in there. Leopard. Okay. Elephant. Straightforward.

Rhino. Yeah, good. Now this might be, the mic from the young ones, buffalo. I said, didn't I? I think it's water buffalo. Kirsty continues, based on danger, not size. African buffalo are a tad more beastly than your local water buffalo.

Oh. Well, I'm... Hold on, was that five or four? No, five. Lion, leopard, elephant, rhino, buffalo. OK. I'm afraid that there's a slight fly in the oil. Everybody's talking about pop music.

Pop music, lion, leopard, elephant, rhino. Everyone's talking about i animals i don't want to introduce uh you know all those knowers are listening to this thinking yeah i wouldn't mind taking them out for a bit of a spin on my boat not just one yeah oh yeah two of the big ten they love the double buffalo two of each in in case one should fall off the gangplank. I don't think that's what it was, was it? No, I think they were men. Oh, whatever happened to gangplanks?

You don't get those so much anymore. Well, that was a sentence I was very happy when it had ended successfully. My heart, like a pain in my chest. What was it that your correspondent said? Something about not based on size, based on... Based on danger, not size. Well, we've got a text here from Ian, best Ian. Morning, guys. Big Five is hardest to hunt and kill. Less fun already.

But does he name the same five? No. Hippo, buffalo, lion, leopard and elephant. Is fun already. But does he name the same five? No, hippo, buffalo, lion, leopard and elephant. Is that the same? No, hippo he's got in. No, lion, leopard, elephant, rhino, buffalo. Oh, so he's gone hippo, not rhino. Well, I can't be responsible for these changes. They're different creatures, aren't they?

They are different ones. Very rounded at the front. The other one's much sharper. Well, Mark and Chorley's thrown a giraffe in. I would say that it looks a bit like a bumping car, a hippo. A dodgem, if there's any American listeners in. Yeah. Whereas the rhino, you know, it's hair. It's matted hair, not horn.

Yeah. Leave it there. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's great, Big Five news, but some controversy. Obviously, the South Africans have got a different Big Five. Yes. Now we like to include the runner. That's what she said when she said that.

I bet she said to her South African partner who's with her, I'm going to text the Fritz Skinner show about the big fire. Tell you what, for a laugh, take out the hippo and put in a rhino. Let's throw him. He won't now, he's from England. There you are, the home life of what was she called? Oh, I can't remember her name now. Kayleigh from Wessex. I believe she was called Kirsty from Upper Hayford. Oh, I can't remember her name now. Kayleigh from Wessex.

I believe she was called Kirstie from Upper Hayford. Oh, that's it, Upper Hayford. Kirstie from Upper Hayford. Really nice. OK, sorry, can you still do regional accents? Is that right? It's totally acceptable. It's not rascist.

Is it rascist? Can you tell me if it's rascist? No, no, I think that's fine. If you can't, then this show's at an end. Oh, that's okay. There's still capital. That's what I say when I'm twirling my dial. If you'll pardon the expression. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

Andrew from Hampshire. Mm-hm. Now, he is voice of controversy. He says, somewhat pedantic... Like it already. Yeah. But it is... It's that kind of guy.

Yeah. ..the Cape buffalo and the black rhino, hence lion, leopard, African elephant, Cape buffalo, black rhino. Black rhino? lion leopard african elephant cape buffalo black rhino black rhino well i like the idea of the cape buffalo might possibly wear a cape that'd be a fantastic i see him as more of a poncho character well they they favor a center parting don't they they uh oh do they the buffaloes yeah they have quite a rigid centre part. And then there's Simon Cowell on the hair front. They sort of have curls.

They look like they've took out the... What are those things that get hot? Oh, the tongs. No, something... Straighteners? Tongs? Rollers? Things that make... Anyway, those hot things that give you a curl. They look like they've deliberately centre-parted it.

Curling tongs, darling, it is. And then curled it at the end. Okay. Water buffaloes. I don't know about the black rhino. No, it's not water buffalo. It's Cape buffalo they're talking about. And a black rhino and Cape buffalo.

A buffalo is a buffalo. No, it's not. They're saying not water buffalo, African buffalo, Cape buffalo. All right. But they're still going to have a basic buffalo essence. Buffalo essence was a kid I went to school with. Well, it's lovely that we've got so many... LAUGHTER

Who's come from a wrestling family. It's lovely we've got so many South African listeners. We've had some more people texting in from there, yeah. Yeah, well, I suppose with Frank speaking their language directly, it's easy for them to... There's apologies for that earlier. I might do some Xhosa after. First time I went to South Africa,

I put the radio on and there was a woman. You can't really do foreign voices now without words. You know, in the old days, people used to go blah blah blah. You can't do that anymore. Is that not allowed? I like the slight note of regret in his voice. You can't do that.

Well, I think... All those halcyon days. I think it can be done warm-heartedly. You did quite a lot of that in France last month. Was that wrong? No, that's people really speaking. No, I mean, I did it. It's unbelievable, I know.

I did it to my family. It actually means something, if you're familiar with it. Oh, OK. No, but a woman was on the radio and she was doing that. Oh, yeah, yeah. In the midst of the... So, I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do the impression.

Don't do it. Let's not do it. I'm going to do it. This sums up our relationship. I'm doing it in four respects. Don't do it. Don't do it. So, she would be saying... And it sounded really amazing it sounded like that victor borg sketch when he does the when he does the punctuation as sound effects but yeah it's amazing so there's all sorts going on

in south africa that's all i can say okay um thank you that's. That's a message from the two of us. Don't do it. Let the record stand. Don't do it, I said. I said don't do it. That's going to be, that is my autobiography title. I said don't do it. What is a life with Frank Sinner? Is it a glottal stop or is it more than that?

A glottal stop is oop. He's carrying on. He won't stop. I want to know the technical term for that clicking. Any of our South African listeners will be able to tell me what that is. They might not. They might just speak it. They might not know the technical term for it. They'll know it. Any speech therapists listening might know it.

They'll know it. It's pretty amazing. It is. Where were we? Well, about an hour ago, we were talking about Wills and Kate, but we very quickly jumped onto the big five sorry i have to i've got a what's the big when we come back 101 is the royal family big five let's face it the royal family have killed most of the big five of the animal one so let's get our own back absolute absolute radio frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had a text saying exosa. How yet is it exosa? What did I call it? Xosa. It's one of the spoken languages which has a click in it, or press your tongue to the roof of your mouth and try and tut so the sound is from both sides of the tongue. It's that, isn't it?

It makes a kind of click. Oh, yeah, maybe that did sound a bit more like it did it i think that is it see when you just when you're just driving around and that comes on the car radio it's like you've tuned into a thing one of the tires it was it was really impressive some nails can we i know we've we've talked a lot about the big five, obviously, this morning. You were asking which are the big five in the royal family. What are the big five in the royal family? Queen, Duke of Edinburgh. Queen, 100.

Our boys. Queen, 100. Our boys, two and three. And then Kate? No, she's not big five. I think she is. Is she? Yeah, but only by marriage. Come on. No, I think not big five. I think she is. Is she? Surely Charles gets her.

Yeah, but only by marriage. Come on. No, I think she's got to be big five now. And then, I feel so... What about... Princess Anne... Here he comes. Here he is.

You're not having here he comes in big five. I think Prince Andrew has probably been expelled from the big five. Has he really? Yeah. What about Duke of Ed? Oh. He's not big five? I'll never forget. Oh, he's big five really yeah what about duke of ed oh he's not big five never forget oh he's big i said him well anyway you've got too many anyway wills and kate who let's let's say for the sake of show they're both in the big five during the walkabout the royal walkabout they said kate told the farming community that she'd secretly like to be a farmer.

Did you hear this? I think she said I'd like to be a young farmer. Yeah. Ageist. No, I think that's a thing, isn't it? Like, it should be capitalised, young farmers. I think that's like a... Well, there's still farmers who are young.

Yeah, but I think they're called young farmers. I'll be honest, I did a gig for them a number of years ago. OK. Did you? And I have rarely dis for them a number of years ago. Okay. Did you? And I have rarely disliked a demographic quite as much as that. Very thick in the neck. Awful. Really?

Awful people. Well, let's not generalise. I'm sure there are some who love it. I mean, specifically the crowd I played. Okay. There was a young man in there with two rugby shirts on. Two? Two.

One over the top of the other. Wow. I mean, like, I have a problem with people wearing rugby shirts for anything other than rugby, just as a... But he's doubled that problem. Like, and he had no... He didn't realise that it was a silly thing to do until I pointed it out.

Well, since my David Gandy obsession, I have a problem with people wearing shirts. I don't know why we'd bother if that's what we look like without them. Yeah? Yeah, though that sounds like a tough night. But let's not judge all the YFs on the strength of our crowd. Young farmers?

Yeah. Oh, it's very difficult. I like a young farmer. They were very entitled. And I've done Cambridge balls. They weren't as bad. Haven't we all, dear? Oh, yeah.

Anyway, she... Go on. Sorry, I was going to say, what do you think, I mean, can you see her as a farmer? I just wish that Kate and a lot of the young royals, there's always a bit of that, you know, they're just like us and they join in and they can do the gnarly and they can pull a point.

I wish they'd join in a bit more with the national obesity crisis. She's very slender, isn't she? Then I feel we could, you know, really think, yes, actually, they are like us. But they all look like they're working out on a regular basis, almost as if they've got loads of spare time, which I'm sure they haven't. There have been some big ones.

Who? Who was the last fat royal? I'm not naming names. 8, 12, 15, last fat royal. Listen, I'm not body shaming royals. We're not going as far back as Henry VIII before any of you bother. I'm not body shaming. I'm body, I'm on the, on au contraire. I'm saying we need someone we can look to and say, yes, I, I, I understand. Okay.

Okay, cards on the table. Here he comes. Hmm. Prince Andrew. He's, he's been a bit of a porker in his time. Yeah, maybe he was. He was never, though. I mean, he's never a bloke who had to go around on wheels.

That's what we need, a fat royal. Last truly fat royal, 8-12-15. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Don't you have to do your business or have you done it? I'm going to do it now.

OK. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8.12.15. Yes, in that order, follow the show on Twitter1215. Yes, in that order. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I've just remembered yesterday, last week,

we did the whole thing about the at symbol looking like a cumberland sausage. You've only just remembered that. It just came back to me. Or Tadpole doing yoga. Yeah. You've only just remembered that. It just came back to me. Or Tad Poldo in Yoga. Yeah. We've had some breaking news in... Clean that one up a bit. We've had some breaking news in about King George IV.

Oh, yeah? Apparently, according to 331, King George IV was obese at 30 and suffered frequently from gout and digestive problems. He was satirised in cartoons. That's from Jan. Those are the days. You can satirise people in cartoons for that kind of thing.

It's quite a... I think Edward VII was fat. Do you? And that's not... That's the one after Queen Victoria. So I think... Well, 106 has offered up Edward VI. There's a portly chap. There you go. One out, as they used to say. Well, 106 has offered up Edward VI. There's a portly chap.

There you go. One out, as they used to say. Yeah, exactly. Good. I thought you were going to say, I'm saying something. Have we put that to bed, do you think? Well, someone did suggest

another royal, but I worry about reading this one out. Yeah, let's not then. Okay. So, Kate wants to be a young farmer in one of the weirdest secret life... But they sort of are, aren't they? I think they sort of are. They've got a farm, surely.

Yeah, exactly. They've got land. They'll have a farm somewhere. They've certainly got a very large garden. They probably don't know. You ever done that? You ever bought a book and you got home and realised that you bought it 20 years ago? Oh, yes, I do that. I do that with

Brett on Tops as well. Yes. I've got that one. Yeah, I bet they get home and the servant will say, Mum, you do know you've got a farm? Shut up! No, you have. You've got a farm. Oh, well.

I imagine in one of those dairies like Marie Antoinette had out the back with Cappi di Monte buckets. A milking stool. Yeah, but all velvet lined and stuff like that. Nice. I like the secret desire, though, the hankering after another life. Yes.

What could have been? I must admit, I've always fancied being a tobacconist. Ooh. Timing's not good. I mean, it's all about the vapes now. The timing. The vaping stores. I'm not really catching the wave on the way in.

I mean, who's going to come in? Jeremy Corbyn and Simon Cowell? Yeah, probably. But I... Oh, they're just those little dark shops and all that paraphernalia. A nice meerschaum pipe with a face on. Sometimes with a lid.

You know, pipes with a lid. Slightly turning my stomach, this. That's probably just something for everyone, isn't there? Really? I think I would have made a very good detective inspector. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Frank, I don't sense you're being very supportive.

Why? I, um, I don't know. I wonder if they always look a bit drab when I see them on telly. I'm not basing the career on looks, and I would obviously abandon the sheer tight and the sensible shoe.

Yeah. I'm just saying, I think I'm very forensic and people crack under my questioning. That is, that's true. I, um, I don't know, they always look very tired when you see them on the telly, the senior police. Not the real ones, but the fictional ones.

The real ones, I imagine, live their life rightly. Yeah, I'm sure. But the fictional ones, they're always very down-looking, fed up. Oh, I think I'd have made some good arrests. They're a bit bitter, often. Well, I would have changed that view. And they have to have

problems with their management, you know, the upper police, and, you know, the politicians. Don't we all, dear? The politicians get involved and make their life more difficult. And then sometimes they get suspended, but they continue working on the case and ask their friends in the force. Yes, you know, you're right, Frank.

Infinitely preferable to open a tobacco shop in 2016. What am I thinking? Oh, I'd rather be reaching out for another packet of Skull Bandits for somebody. Google it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. And what about Al? What would Al have done had he not been a stand-up? What's my secret wish? Yeah, your secret career. Security. No.

Wouldn't you be a bodyguard or something like that? Quite the reverse. No, what would you do? I actually really like the idea of being on the run. I can see you on the run. I see you on the run, Al. I often have a little moment of thinking I'm a fugitive. Ideally, I'll have been accused of something that I didn't do, so there's always the little

get out if things get too scary. Yeah, but see, once you run, that's it. People think it's you. But I see you as an intelligent fugitive a bit. Is it Dr Richard Kimball? I can't remember. Oh yeah, Richard Kimball, the fugitive. I see you as that. I like the idea of that. I think

it turns the whole world into a big game of hide and seek doesn't it really and it means you get to stop in a lot of seedy hotels sounds like my life already or B&B when you're on the run you stay in those B&B's where the landlady is like quite a biggish woman about 60

but she comes and knocks on your room at 11 o'clock and says everything ok and one thing leads to another and and next thing you're in love. Yeah. Do you have those? He'll be in. I don't. I'm just thinking people probably do have that one.

Oh, yes, I know the landlady you mean. I don't know if you've gone American or are you more... I keep an ice-clean house, I do. I'll have no funny business. I'm always imagining she'd be called Sue. Oh, Sue. A lot of shoes propping up a lot of doors. Sue's shoes?

You know, that's one of my security measures that I already use for people that are new to the show. I put my shoes against the hotel room door. Yeah. Just saying. Have it. What about those Mother of Pearl cigarette holders as well? You know, those things. Oh, you mean in your cigarette?

You'd have like half a... Oh, he's come back in the shop now. You'd almost never sell one, but to just have them. I mean, the ones that are about eight inches long, so the cigarette's over there somewhere. I'd make my... Smoking's... By the way, don't smoke.

It's really bad for you, but... I'd make my interrogation room... I'd make it lovely. You see, that's what I'd be famous for. I'd transform it. There'd be Jo Malone candles, maybe a sheepskin rug, because that's how I'm going to get the truth out of these people. Oh, that's an interesting idea.

They'll be comfortable. I'd play a little music. Yeah. That works. Good cop. It's a saucy outfit. I mean, my methods are very unethical. They are.

That would be... I've never seen that, I don't think, not in a legitimate movie. No. Well, and no one said anything about legitimacy here. Good cop scantily dressed cop. You don't get that, do you? Anyway.

So be it. I don't know. So be it should be the end of every link on this show. So be it. Oh, I've got some advice for... Remember the student who texted in? I did think of some advice. Oh, this is for embarking on the English degree? Yeah.

And there'll be lots of people listening to this now who are about to start some educational thing. Yes, good luck with that. That time of year, innit? I think it's a phrase you don't hear much now, it's deferred gratification. Oh, yeah. And that's what it's all about.

Absolutely. It's working now, knowing that there'll be a fabulous reward. Anyone who has ever spoken with with the dream of um of going back to a hotel room after spoken to a very dull person for two hours we'll know what i'm talking about if you work now you'll get your reward later on yes and i'll tell you when that manifests itself in my life as a little symbol when i cut my fingernails i find it quite difficult to cut the right hand because i'm left-handed yeah so do you know what i mean because i'm handling the clippers with my left hand you know and i'm not very adept with that

so what i i always do the right hand first and i think I've got that out the way. Now I can enjoy cutting the left hand. Now I'm in control. I've been through over the rough terrain. And now... We haven't just tuned into an African radio station. You're doing the click clicks on. But absolutely, while I'm struggling with the right hand cutting that, I'm looking forward to the left hand thinking in a minute it'll be plain sailing.

Always do the thumbs first as well. Do you? Well, I've heard that. I can't forgive the thumbs for their ambiguity. Oh, I love the thumbs. That's what I love about the thumbs. That's what I hate about... When people say five fingers on each hand, and then you hear them distinguish

between the thumb and the fingers... Yeah. Is it? Have we got five fingers on each hand, or have we got four fingers and a thumb? It's a question, boys. I think technically we've got four fingers. Oh, these are big five?

I would say... What's your favourite of the big five? I don't think that the thumb is one of the big five. That's what I'm saying. That's a different species. It's obviously... Would it be true to say... Let me put it...

This is the question, 8, 12, 15. Would it be true to say that one in five fingers are thumbs? LAUGHTER A thumb. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We've had some thumbs and fingers texts in, which you requested. So is one in five fingers a thumb? Yes. Yeah, Ian Angel has texted, Frank, I think you're right, a thumb isn't a finger.

Give me four. Yeah, very good. Solid. Ian Angel was never going to leave that one alone, was he? That's a fine gag. And 668 has said four fingers, one thumb keeps moving. Isn't it a song? Isn't it one finger, one thumb keep moving? Oh. But you do have five

finger exercises at the piano, which includes the thumb. Right. But in everyday life, non-piano-type stuff, I think it's widely considered that you've got four fingers. No, I don't think so. And what I think the scientists call an opposable thumb. I think people say you've got ten fingers.

That's what people would say. Who's saying that? Well, I think I probably would. Would you? And I think I did earlier. Yeah. So I shot your face. Oh, OK. Who's saying that? Well, I think I probably would. Would you? And I think I did earlier. Yeah. So I shot your face. Oh, okay.

It's rather unpleasant. Oh, sorry. Sorry, everyone. I've been under a lot of pressure. No, you haven't. Well, that Room 101 show, you've got that iPlayer thing. Yeah, I mean, yeah, you're right. It's not that much pressure.

No, it's fairly... It's got PA. It's actually fairly quick. It's got a PA. You've earned a great deal of money. Takes some of the pressure off, doesn't it? Not like the old days. Anyway, times have changed.

I accept that. OK. But you're very nice with it. I still think people, they can't make their mind up about the thumb. One minute it's a separate thing, next minute it's just lumped in with the fingers. That's my view on it.

Well, I give your view the big thumbs up. I agree. give it the big and no i won't do that oh what a what a loving you're both having yeah it's turned can we talk about this icelandic incident the icelandic incident yes sounds like a spy thriller straight away i'm already in. Well, in Icelandic terms, it is. This Icelandic lady got a letter and she received it through very unconventional means. There'd been a map drawn on the envelope, which I rather loved. The lady in question was called Rebecca Catherine Cardew Ostenfeld.

I like it. It's probably wrong, but it sounds lovely. Well, I think it is wrong, just if we can slightly stop. I thought Icelandic ladies, their surname all ended with Dotir, because it's someone's Dotir. So straight away I'm thinking, why is she not called Ostensdotir or whatever it is? Yeah.

Bjornsdotir. You know, just looking at you, Al, you look so like you should be on a mackerel. What's their fish? Oh, no, herring's Norwegian. Yeah, whatever. I'll tell you what you look like. A very young Idauga Johnson.

Oh, I'll take that. Oh, yeah. I'll take that. Yes. Yeah. Anyway. That's right. She received her letter with the picture on it.

Yes. No address. No address. It had some hint on it. It said, a horse farm with an Icelandic slash Danish couple, three kids and a lot of sheep. Fabulous. I mean, that's what I call an address. I once received a letter that said Frank Skinner

London. Did you? And it was... That's amazing. I mean, I should keep my family better informed. I know. But it's cheaper this way. No, honestly, I did. I did receive a letter.

So it made it. So, you know, they're not completely foolish, the postal services. No. And this wasn't actually in Reykjavik. This was out in the... Yes. In the Gleisfeld.

How many people live out there? You probably knew it straight away. Well, immediately, by it not being in Reykjavik, it's been narrowed down to under 50,000. It's quite a small place, anyway, by it not being in Reykjavik, it's been narrowed down to under 50,000. I mean, it's quite a small place, anyway, Iceland. What's the population of Iceland? The population of Iceland is around a quarter of a million. Did you know that off the top of your...

Yeah, yeah. ...Scandinavian-looking head? Do you know how far you are looking right now? I mean... And almost all of them live in Reykjavik. I think it's something like 210,000 of them live in Reykjavik. I think something like 210,000 of them live in Reykjavik. So it's immediately kind of easier to find the person. Yes. All right.

Sounds like you've got some experience. I've been there a couple of times. It's great. It's an interesting story. Did they think you were one of them? No. No, they knew very well that I was not one of them, I think. I just like that this is a country where people are delivering mail on the basis of a description of sheep and a handwritten map, and yet they still knocked us out of the European football championship.

Brilliant. It's heartening. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I've worked out why she hasn't got the Icelandic surname. It says in the article that she was a Danish woman with three kids and lots of sheep. Oh. So I think that's why the lots of sheep is in, but she would be called Dotir if she was Icelandic.

Oh, I had it in my head she was Finnish. Oh, it's all much the same. It's much of a muchness. Nugget has tweeted us saying, Frank, this is how a fan addressed a letter to Don Bradman in 48. It reached him. And it's a photograph. It says, to Mr...

There's a picture of what I imagine is Don Bradman. And it says, somewhere playing in England. Apparently it got to him. Well, there's one that someone sent to George Bernard Shaw. It was just a caricature of George Bernard Shaw with the big beard. That's all that was on the envelope, and it got delivered to him. That's good drawing, isn't it? That's good drawing.

But he's one of those blokes you could do an easy caricature of, because of the massive beard. I don't know who it would be now. Who would be the easiest person for a non-artist? Well, it was David Bellamy later, and now... But it needn't be a beard. I'll tell you what, if you wanted to get something to Robbie Williams, you could draw him in the Let Me Entertain You video,

where he's got that thing on his face. Yeah. Well, if Brian Blessed, you could get something to him. There are too many bearded men. You need something really distinct. No, but you do him as Gordon's alive. Um, JK, if you did him with the buffalo hat. JK.

That JK. Yeah. Not the rowling one. No, she'd be hard to draw, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Um... See, I'm not very good at drawing, so I think my map would look rubbish.

No, this is my point, though. There's a few people. It's like, I think, a true test of fame, maybe, is you could go to a fancy dress party or someone. Mm-hm. Like, I reckon I could get something delivered to Jedward with a drawing. Yes. Oh, OK. Yes, I think that's fair enough.

What I could possibly send them that they could understand, I don't know. A drawing. Not a letter, a drawing. I could send them a Black Nando's card. And you've got some Gandhi pants. Yeah, I wouldn't send them then. No, they're too precious to you.

They're your precious. Yeah. I think they'll be looking at them thinking oh we're gonna mess up our hair when we put them on no step into them i always imagine it you know when they say you can judge a lot by a person's character if you think about them what you imagine them doing do you know that oh yeah what oh i see so when. So when you think of someone... When I think of Al, I think of him in a judo kit. Sort of. That's good.

Working out. What about me? I think... I don't want to make you feel bad about this because you have many skills. I do think of you in a mirror putting on makeup. Is that bad?

I thought you said you could judge someone's character. Maybe that's part of your character. I think that's what he's doing. I'm very insulted by that. Oh, I'm sorry. I was going to say something nice bad? I thought you said you could judge someone's character. Maybe that's part of your character. I think that's what he's doing. I'm very insulted by that. Oh, I'm sorry. I was going to say something nice about how I saw you, but I'm not doing it now. When I think of Jedward,

I always think of them leapfrogging each other. Yes. I see that. Almost continually. But loving it. Not like it's some drogerator. Like shrieking with delight. My turn, my turn, my turn!

Whee! Like that kind of leapfrogging. Leapfrogging at the sharp end. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, a few weeks ago, our regular readers will know that Steve Hall was sitting in for the cockerel. Yeah.

And he tried to read out an email with a frog in his throat. And it made me so uncomfortable, I had to pull the plug on it and stop him. You did. Him going... I can't even do it. It's quite a hard impression. So I'm going to return to that email. So now we're going to show you how

it should be done. It was Johnny from Auckland. Johnny from Auckland. Okay. Hi, bank, Emily and Alan. Sorry, I just got that. It's really difficult to carry it on. Something about the nature of the actual email. I don't understand it. I mean, I'm not

going to give it a try because I dread to think what will happen. Yeah. I'll tell you what we should do before we... Me by gum, me by gum, me by gum mill corner. I can't believe that's what I sound like. Anyway, hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Here's a question for you. I gather, like I gather already, I gather that you all still go for breakfast together

after the show every week. I was just wondering what you all talk about over breakfast, considering that you've just spent three hours catching up with each other during the show. Is it a quiet meal, punctuated by the occasional scraping of cutlery on plates, and Alan asking the waitress for HP sauce, or do you all suffer from esprit d'escalier?

Is that how you would say it? Esprit d'escalier. Esprit d'escalier. Esprit d'escalier. This is a man. Alan has just been in France for four weeks. Oh, I was very pleased with myself this week. Are you familiar with the concept of esprit d'escalier? Yes. It's the joke you think of after. Oh, is that what it is? The joke on the stairs type?

Wits on the stairs, literally. So after you think, oh, I know what I should have said to the manager when he said I was vermin, but it's too late. I think it's just like Descartes. I'd never read it. It's literally wit on the stairs. That's the other way around. Wit on the stairs. Okay. Wit on the stairs. Having missed your chance to mention something on the show.

Praise redacted. I like to think that the wit on the stairs is all mine, all mine. The wit on the stairs is all mine. Lovely, Frank. Thank you. And that's from Auckland, New Zealand. So what do we do at, well, it's all mine. Lovely, Frank. Thank you. And that's from Auckland, New Zealand. So what do we do at... Well, it's brunch. He didn't actually send that by email, he just drew a picture of us all on the front of an envelope that he'd got here. That's brilliant.

He drew a picture of you in a judo outfit and me playing on lipstick. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What do we talk about? Sometimes I find it a group therapy. There's occasional bits of life lessons.

We might have a work problem. I think we say... Relationship problem. We obviously say quite a lot of ribald and offensive things that we can't say on air. Yeah. We do a lot of that. I think sometimes, like,

naughty Frank humour comes out, doesn't it? Some of that. Frank drinks a cocorita. We often, I always have a cocorita. A cocorita is a mocktail. That is a non-alcoholic cocktail. He loves it. That's the one thing we don't have in common. It's non-alcoholic.

But I am alcoholic. It's so ironic that I should have to drink it. But anyway, that's the one thing we don't have in common it's non-alcoholic but I am alcoholic so ironic that I should have to drink it but anyway that's the way it goes it should be called an alcoholic cocktail for alcoholics anyway the lovely thing about it it tastes alright but the great joy of it is the salt around the edge of the glass

you love that salt you're the opposite of a slug I love salt I once read the whole of the glass. You love that salt. You're like a... I love salt. You're the opposite of a slug. I love salt. I once read the whole of The Great Gatsby with laying on my bed in just my pants. This was before the day I had nice pants. When I lived alone in a bed seat. And I filled my navel...

I'd seen it in a film. I filled my navel with salt and three hard-boiled eggs, dipping it in my navel as I read The Great Gatsby. Well, that's one of the most disgusting bits of the show. Maybe I should have saved it for brunch. I would say, oh, my whole life, and I've been around, that's the most disgusting thing I've

ever heard. Oh, come on. The crippling irony of this is that at brunch, if we start talking about food, Frank goes, stop talking about food, that's what normal people do. I always say, if you're going to talk about stuff like that, why, clear with your normal friend. And yet you tell us about your boiled egg in belly button story.

Well, I can't use that on my normal friend. What are we going to do about this? It's horrible. I think it's perfectly, um, what's wrong with it? I was clean. Well, I'll tell you how I would have described prior to the Salton Naval debark. I would

describe the branch as my safe space. Oh, lovely. I love it. It is. It's very nice. We often talk about how much we admire other radio presenters. Anyway, thanks for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.