The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - The Conga

Episode Date: February 27, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's been the week of The Brits and Frank attended. He gives a unusual review of Bieber, Rihanna and Drake. The team also discuss funny public announcements, the Conga and a new name for Alun's next tour.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This, however, is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran on this occasion. You can text the show on 8... Whoa! Just don't ever interrupt me when I'm doing the numbers. Okie-kokie. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio,

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Who is the show? He's like the situation. Some sort of MC. We've got Frank Skinner on this occasion. Sounds like there's someone else waiting to fill our chairs. Well, none of us know, do we, for sure. That's crazy.

Thus is the entertainment industry right thanks for that can i tell you can i start my no can i start my campaign to stay in this chair by telling you how much i love your top this morning thank you so much do you know me too there are four people who work on this show with me. I'm talking to you, listener. And yes, you, mate. Stop being sick for one second and listen to this. And three of the people walked in this morning and said, I really like your top.

Now, I don't get many clothes compliments. No, you don't. And this is a top. Can I point out that i i bought many years ago um i think it's a little before the old king died and um my girlfriend was so negative about it and so horrible about this top that i stopped wearing it forever and then this morning i don't know it caught my eye and. And I put it on and it's absolutely turned up trumps, as they say. It's got something

with the sort of Glenn Hoddle player manager vibe about it, like you're going to unzip and come on. I might perform into an imaginary microphone for some of the, which he did during the great rainstorm. Oh, yes. When he held a microphone that he didn't have.

He got overwhelmed. He did, he was confused. Yeah. So, Sarah, can you held a microphone that he didn't have. He got overwhelmed. He did. He was confused. Yeah. So, Sarah, can you take a picture of Frank's top for social media so the listeners can see it? For the non-social media people, I will say it's a feeler, sort of, I'd say it's a sort of a 70s-style tracksuit top in a rather handsome green hue. Yes, I'd call it...

It goes with my teeth. That's how I'd call it... It goes with my teeth. If I was a Farrow & Ball paint supplier, I would say I'd go AstroTurf for that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was worried that, because it's got a slight varsity feel, that there's an element of, I look like the decaying corpse of Ritchie Cunningham. But that's my look.

I think that's my look, decaying corpse of Ritchie Cunningham. Chic. Oh, yeah, they're really into that decaying corpse of Ritchie Cunningham chic. That's the thing now. Anyway, good morning to you all, and thank you for tuning in. And what a week it's been. Why? I'm busy.

I went to the Brit Awards on Wednesday night. The what? I'm sorry, we don't normally talk about those on this show. Did your therapist recommend that? Yes. As a way of coming to terms. New readers may not be aware of the fact that I host... Oh, I think everyone's aware of it, Frank, that you hosted the Brits one.

I hosted the said awards. And I... Where can I put it? I passed away during the course of the evening. It was a tough gig for you, that one. It was a tough gig. And I'll tell you what was very interesting. When I... I hadn't been to the Brits since.

I'm not surprised. never go back i was reading the other way teddy sherringham got sacked from managing a football team he went back the following the next match he went as he said he went in disguise i'd love to know what he wore but um sort of m Doubtfire. But it was very interesting to walk around and see, I felt better about my terrible experience. Why? Because I saw the audience and thought, they're not laughers, these people, they're talkers.

Yeah. You know, even doing... I wonder what could be making them talk so much without pause for breath. I don't know, it's... I wonder what could be making them talk so much without pause for breath. I don't know, it's weird. They're enthusiastic characters. But even during the very sort of moving David Bowie tribute, there was lots of people, not on our table, can I point out.

You know, we were a classy group. Even though our table, can I point out, we could have all gone to the toilet without having to get out of our seats. We'll leave it there. But, um, we had Kim Wilde on our table. You didn't. We did. Who else was, who was your table?

Was it Absolute Radio? It was the whole Bower family were there. Okay. Jamie from Made in Chelsea was there. Oh, was he part of the Bower family? He is, yes. I think he does Heat. OK. Yes.

I don't think he does. I know he does. And Charlie from Kiss Breakfast. OK. Who else was there? Anyway, it was a who's who of this building. Yeah? Yeah, so there was a lovely crowd.

And, do you know, I was in... What did you wear? I was in... What did you wear? I was in touching distance of Father John Misty. Oh. Yeah. I like Father John Misty. Yeah, well, I'd never heard of him before. So when he was announced that he'd been nominated,

I thought, oh, that bloke. Didn't know he was one of the... And I thought, well, if he's one sitting this... If he thinks he's one sitting this close to the toilets he can think again because they try and cut the time down you know of getting to the stage i mean i find if i'd have got there and said oh well that's it good night but um he was a bloke quite famously because he was nominated for best he looked very upset when he didn't win well i think he was reading his phone when they cut to him,

which he looked great. That was the one that Bieber won. We need to discuss Bieber, Frank. You were in the same room as Bieber? I was in the same room as Bieber. I think I might have been the first person to notice Bieber's arrival. Yeah, I know. It's on the Bieber ball. Absolute, I know. It's unbebeable.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, so you were at the Brits. Sorry, Al. Whilst you were at the Brits, did you meet anybody from the organisation side of the Brits? Was there any awkward moment where they went, Frank, you're back?

I think they've all passed on in various ways since I was, it's been a long time since I did it. It just sounds recent because they don't stop talking about it. You said that with a confidence as if it had been a long-term project of yours. You know, they've all passed on. Yeah, well, I take example, yeah. It's funny

going back to the crime scene, though. I know, it did feel like that. But I had a lovely night, apart from the lamb, I thought was a little undercooked. But everything else was splendid. Although I did remember, I was reminded... You're the only person who cared about the food. I hope the caterers aren't listening.

I don't know, the pudding was called Traditional British Sweet Shop Eaten Mess. Mm. Mm. Right. And it was a trifle in a glass with a couple of meringue. I think that's the plural, is it? Do you have the S for the plural of meringue? 8, 12, 15.

OK. That's a good texting. And what's the plural of meringue? We've had worse, certainly. And then Pick A Mix. I don't know that band. I thought I know Little Mix. Yes, well, this is their spin-off.

It's like Junior S Club. S Club Juniors, whatever they were called. Can you check that, Paul? S Club Juniors, thank you. S Club Juniors. And you! S Club Juniors. And he's very quick, you know. So,

what was I talking about? Yeah, that was a weird pick. You know those flying saucers with sherbet inside? He said that, you know, like with cream on it and stuff. I mean, come on people! That's two things in a bowl.

That's not a pudding. Just do an eat and mess well. Who was the chef there? I know I didn't... He didn't come over. I hope he's not listening. Frank's already said he thought his lamb was underdone. Yeah, we could have been able to...

I don't like lamb that bleeds. Right. OK. Made him well. You can quiet me lamb that bleeds. Right. Okay. Medium well. You can quiet me on that. Yeah. So tell me about Bieber, because you were about to... Before we get to Bieber, can I say, one thing I realised is maybe,

it might be my last ever time at the Brits, not because I've had any bad news from my medical people, but because I think I really felt... Why me? I felt that I've got a little older because this is absolutely true i did the red carpet thing oh yeah and slightly ahead of me there was a woman who i didn't recognize but very statuesque beautiful woman in almost no clothing very like a sort of um i'd call it salmon pink okay she's wearing a real food team running through yeah there is lamb but very

short skirt and not much and and i remember now so i looked at this woman sounds great as i've looked at these women for many years from afar but what i used to think well never mind what i used to think what i thought on wednesday was she must be freezing. Yeah. Now, that's a bad sign, isn't it? Yeah. It is Feb. Yeah. Then there was that woman with the, you know, the woman everyone was talking about. Who's that?

Who interrupted Ant and Dick. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, I guess. I don't know the story. She had a completely see-through, she was everywhere. Right. Yeah. She had a completely see-through. She was everywhere. Right. Yeah. Completely see-through body stocking on.

And then she had a set, covered her lower areas with what looked like eight inches of duct tape. Really? Well, I think that's been generous on the measurements from... Well, maybe six inches. That's exactly what I've got on under my clothes for days. Yes. Well, imagine how I felt.

She had gaffer tape on her extremities. I was embarrassed because I was just wearing a chiffon scarf and a verruca plaster. It was the same dress nightmare. Absolute Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Natasha in Durham has been in touch to say... Oh, I'm off to Durham this week. Lovely. Anyway, hi, can you... I love Durham. That's my favourite cathedral in the United Kingdom. I don't think I'll be doing the cathedral. I think I'm in the Arts Centre. You're not going to check out the Venerable Beads tomb? I might. I'll see if I beat the traffic, Frank.

I'll give it a burl round. I'll probably go straight to the gift shop, to be honest. OK, thanks for that little Alan Bennett vignette. Hi, can you please tell Frank Skinner to hurry up with his Justin Bieber story? I have to go out soon and I want to hear the end. Oh, sorry. That's from Natasha.

OK, Bieber. Bieber was there. He was on fire. He was, very nearly on fire. Is this true? I didn't know that. Bieber was there. He was on fire. He was. Was he? Very nearly on fire. Yeah. Is this true? I didn't know that. Well, he didn't. He had a lot of...

He was with... First of all, everyone's sitting around, and there's a central stage. This bloke comes walking, the two blokes, and they sit in the middle. And there's all these, like, teeny girls, and no-one's noticed that it's Bieber. So there's silence and i said

is that bieber up there people going easy because the lights weren't on him obviously he had a hawaiian sateen bomber jacket he did it was a bit like it was a bit like my feeler sounds nice have you met my feeler he's a nice lad i thought you attacked him. No, no, we had an argument, but it's all right now. All we needed was nail clippers. It resolves so many disputes. So, yeah, so then the flames are... He looked like a 1970s picket line. He was, like, standing next to this, like, a burning brazier.

Well, he started off basically having a little barbecue with a friend who was playing the guitar. James Bay played guitar. So there is life after Top Gear. All he had to do was change a consonant. Yeah, well, he just had to get a cold. James Bay. People saying, we're looking for... Yeah, can we hire James Bay? Certainly.

And that's how he's got the... Anyway, carry on. James Bay I liked it who's so posh bless him character hat when yeah

he has character hat and when he thanks people you know normally I'd just like to thank Spider and Chipster he said I'd like to thank Helena and Monty

and I can't remember the other one was Sebastian or something well I was sitting with Jamie from Made in Chelsea so I didn't point that out at the time.

So yeah, Bieber. Did you like Bieber? I thought Bieber was arguably the weakest act of the evening. Although I did think he made a very interesting point. He said life is a journey

when he got his award, and that's an analogy I don't think I've ever heard made before. Let me write that down. It's a journey. Journey. Profound. No, I was very disappointed with Bebert. But I did, at one point, I met a terrible...

Someone said to me, can I tell you, the performance of the night I liked best, and who knew? It was Rihanna. Oh, yeah. I thought she was marvelloso. And I've always thought... Oh, I hope you gave her that curious review.

I've always thought she was a woman, as you know. We're not much faith in the material, hence the outfits. But no. Right. And apparently, you know that bit of, I don't know what you call that activity, when her and Drake was it? Frank, I love you talking about Drake. Well, what's good for the Drake?

Do you like Drake? They got very intimate. How do you feel about a bit of Hotline Bling? I don't like, what was the Hotline Bling? It was a dessert. We'll talk later. You got the wrong one, you got some weird eat and mess thing, but the Hotline Bling was really good, apparently.

That's one of Drake's songs, Frank. Oh, is it? Yeah. Look, I don't know Drake that well. I'll be straight with you. OK. But the bit where they sort of grinded somewhat. Oh, did they?

I heard after that he's got a Prince Albert. She had, just for a joke, put a magnet in the back pocket. He had no choice. God. Apparently she's a real joker. Who knew that about Rihanna? Adele had to change her outfit. There was a bucket of water on the door of the dressing room.

Walked in, splashed Rihanna's hair. You'll fail for that, girl! Yeah, it was... Who knew? The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Oh, I made something of a fool of myself. What happened?

Somebody came up to me and said... I think it was Rob beckett actually who said what what have you in what have you enjoyed tonight you know of the music performance i said i like that uh that justine she was really good he said i said that justine thought she was brilliant he was just staring at me i said you know justineine, the one with the big... He said, er, Jess Glynn. Oh, dear. That's so embarrassing. Why, as if any one pop star would call themselves Justine,

some weird 70s name. I love, erm... I love being older at this point. I've become that bloke. I like that, erm... That, erm, Justine, lovely girl. I've absolutely become that bloke. I like that, that Justine, lovely girl. I've absolutely become that bloke. And also, no disrespect to Rob Beckett, I think he's lovely,

but I don't think he often takes the higher status in a conversation with other people. I think he's usually the one that goes, I don't know anything, what's going on? It was a good impression of Rob Beckett. Is that all right? Yeah, I was pleased. It wasn't deliberate.

I like the idea of Frank being there with all these, you know, Kendrick Lamar and Catfish in the Bottle. Well, I mean, I had Ant and Dec to cling on to as someone who looked equally out of place. Now, let's talk about that because obviously they presented it, you presented it.

How did you find they did? Well, I think not going for laps is probably the best. Ouch. To be fair now, to be fair to them, that where I was... They did a skit at the beginning. I couldn't... Did they? Well, that's fear for you.

Oh, sorry, I'm sorry. All the land. My headphones on, I didn't quite catch that. No, you know, I love Ant and Debt, but I think it needs to be somebody who's a bit... You haven't quite forgiven them for Red and Black, have you? Red or Black. Red or Black.

Red and Black would have been an even worse show, where you choose Red and Black and always win. Ant's filling out his tux a bit, I noticed. But that's no bad thing. Enjoy the spoils, why not? And that ball gown. It's gone quiet. Is that wrong? Have I said something wrong? I think, you know, it's a nice idea having a solid rock at the centre

of what is a wayward and crazy thing. Apparently Keith Jagwin is doing the mobos. Is he? I look forward to it. No, I think you need someone who looks like they're part of the whole madness, don't you, hosting it? Not part of madness, obviously.

I don't think you want Suggs. No, but you know what I mean? I mean, I love Suggs, but he's not right for that gig. You need someone who's a bit crazy. Yeah. Labyrinth, maybe. Labyrinth. He was there. He's everywhere. How did you find a labyrinth i didn't find him at all it was um adele did well frank she did do well lovely girl i'm sure i don't know

with uh she's much i tell you something you get acts acts that are admired and acts that are loved. And when she comes on, every woman, I mean, in the real people section, went, oh, and I thought, that is nice. I never get that. People have been, there's been some very positive messages through about your tracksuit top. Oh, good. Some less so, so obviously I'm going to focus on those. Oh, yeah.

Geoffrey Morris, the help the aged shop will be happy to have got rid of it. Oh, I think that's very rude. Yeah, but I don't mind that, Geoffrey. Kevin says, it's a Bobby Dazzler. I like that. Bobby Daffra. Nick says, I've got a similar style, I often wear it for work and I get called Bjorn Borg.

Yes, it has got that pinstripe thing that one associates with Bjorn Borg. Of course, I associate Bjorn Borg with excellent socks and pants. And relax. Yes, what else? Finally, Ian says, hashtag King of the New Lads. Yeah, well, of course, I never quite shrugged that off. I think David Baddell was King of the New Lads.

I was sort of lady in waiting Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I did my Friday night troll you know I sometimes scroll through the emails that come in specifically for this show sometimes they say

Skinner in brackets so that I can it helps me filter them out and this one says Skinner in brackets. Do they? So that I can... Oh, OK. It helps me filter them out. And this one says Skinner, spatula, dumbing down. Greetings and salutations. Is this an example of dumbing down? I needed a new spatula, so when I did my online shop at a well-known supermarket,

I typed in spatula. No results. I checked out kitchen utensils, and there was one. Now called a turner. Are we now to call hammers hitters and spoons lifters? Oh, it's so literal. I quite like spoons being called lifters.

I do, I do. My parents always referred to their spatula as the Horace. Frank and older readers might get this reference. I don't get that. Horace spatula. I don't either. Well, let's not spend too much time on it. He finishes Good Wishes and Step Lively,

Malk Walpington. Oh, I like Step Lively. Oh, that's going to be my new one now. Step Lively. Yeah, I like that. That's good. Um, spatula. I know. I'm not aware of that.

If that is a change that has occurred... And I'm a big fan of The Spatula. Are you? Are you? I don't know if you remember my single, Spatula Boy. Son, you be a spatula boy That's the way I'll pay Yeah, I was never sure about the last bit, but I'll start with it.

I've been obsessively singing to tribes for about a month now. Have you? Why? I've sung it... I don't know. I've got it into my head and I've sung it so much that it's become... Tea tag, good war, what do you get? Go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, mean, around the house, like that. Oh, that's nice for Kath.

Well, you know, we've been together a long time. So, we had a bit of a domestic crisis in the week, in all the heat in Wales. Oh, I thought it was about your tracks well it was off when i was around last week cath sitting there in a big old coat like a dickens heroine yes it was it was uh v cold as it would have said it i did have the school report and um and so i um i got up i couldn't have a shower because there's no freezing. I know there's people listening who have a cold shower every morning. To hell with you.

So I went to David Baddiel's house for a shower. Did you? Yeah, it reminded me of when I was a kid. Very prison break. There was a woman called Mrs Morgan who lived over the road who was the only woman who had a phone. And if there was an emergency, people would go over to Mrs Morgan's. She was very decent about it.

Good for her. And used to leave, like, you know, leave her half a crown on the table as a thank you. How was the shower? Well, it's lovely, actually, showering in... When it's been... Your heating's been off for a couple of days and you get in a shower, I mean, hot water, hot running water

is an absolutely luxurious thing. Late review. How do you find fire in the wheel? But it was hard because you're in someone else's house. So I came out of the shower and Moena was there, Dave's partner. What? Hold up a minute. No, no, it was lovely.

I was dressed by this stage. I had my towel over my shoulder and my wash. It reminded me... I don't know if this happens in women's toilets. You know when you're in a toilet and a bloke comes in and takes his shirt off and has a wash in the sink? No, we don't do that.

Occasionally you get a truck driver fully stripped to the waist having a wash in a service station. He does. Yeah, it's so weird. Or blokes with beards sometimes. I imagine they're homeless. They look like they've just arrived on a makeshift raft. Do they look like a Brit winner?

Yeah. They look like Father John Misley. But they have a proper stripped-down wash in the... Really? Does it not happen in women's toilets? Of course it doesn't, for goodness sake. We're fragrant. Yeah, they just spray and go. They don't bother washing.

I'd love to know. We wash before we leave the house, thank you very much for asking. If there's anyone who's ever had a full wash in a public toilet, or anyone who's ever seen it happen in a women's toilet, we would love to hear from you. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was once in a motorway service station and... Easy. We're on air now. And there was a man sat in the sink washing his feet. Sat in the sink? Excellent.

Yes. Brilliant. Sort of on the edge, you'd think. That isn't from me, clearly. Almost certainly. That's from 100. But not in the sink. Surely he was on the edge of the sink,

like in a paddling pool type situation. I wouldn't have thought the average motorway service sink would take the weight of a male adult. There's one way to find out. Another good text in there. Exactly. If you've ever clapped an average motorway service station sink. Yeah, if anyone knows the internal stress figures

on motorway service sink, give us a bell. We've had another text from Phil in Newcastle. I often have a stripped-down wash in the women's toilets at the service station at the Dishforth Interchange. No. I've never seen any ladies doing it while I've been in there. What does he mean by that, in the ladies' toilets?

I don't know. I think he's, um, I think he's breaking all the rules. He's just going in there. He's flouncing in there as if he owns the place, and he's banking on the fact that they're not much used, would be my guess. I haven't been in a ladies' toilet since I stopped doing the conga. Oh, yeah.

When you sit at the conga. Oh, yeah. When I used to do the conga in... Yeah. There's a pub called The Dock on the Agley Road in Birmingham. We used to do a conga. We used to do long congas. Mm-hmm. I always said you can have a good conga because you have to get the boss back

to where you started from. Who starts the conga? Is it an old nana? No, usually. We got very... There was a track in the charts called Tom Hawk. OK. Da-da-da-da.

Da-da-da-da. And we used to conga to that. But we'd go for miles. Do you know, I've never done a conga. You're... Get out of here. Really? No.

Can we do one out of Absolute Radio? I'd love that, Frank. Let's do... Let's do... The whole building, we could get Kiss and everybody. We could do a big... Kim Wilde. Conger for sport relief.

Jamie Maiden Chelsea. Yeah. I'm... I'd be... Well, I don't think I should lead yet. I think Christian O'Connell is our flagship. But I'm happy to be, you know, maybe in the first six. I'll bring up the rear.

I'm certainly qualified. I'll take a bullet to be in a... It's a joyous thing. Is it? When you get the proper, you know... His little face is lit up, hasn't it? Have you ever done a conga round? I don't recall.

I don't think so. It doesn't sound like me. Maybe as a child. Yeah. And the middle eight. I love the middle eight. You can just have a little breather. I've never seen one so happy.

It's quite technical now. Yeah, I've never seen one so happy. Just raise the legs a little less higher for the middle eight. Then back into... Simple times. It's kind of crazy Latino. It's sort of preceded the salsa craze in this country. Any good Conger anecdotes?

8.12.15. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio,

email the show via the Absolute Radio website. How's the conga news? I'll tell you what, you've caused something of a tidal wave of texts coming in. A conga of texts, I think, is a collective. You said, have you got any conga anecdotes? I thought it was panning for gold, to be absolutely honest. And no, some's turned up.

Mainly from the Midlands, I'm not going to lie. Respect. 198 has texted, at my wedding my mate was leading a conga but needed the loo and they all carried on and followed him in. Andrew from Oldbury. Fabulous. Um, er, just to temper it so that it's not all fun and games, 861 has texted,

my friend almost got hit by a car whilst running to join the end of a conga line. Not always fun. Well, you can't blame the conga for that. But can I just say that would have been a very 70s way to go. He was doing a conga and then got hit by a car. Oh, he died in a conga-related accident. Can I just say that nobody approves more of a health and safety-related text

than I do to a commercial radio station. But he wasn't actually doing a conga, we could say that. He was running to join the end. In the defence of the conga tradition. Yes. It would have been a near miss, yeah. Hi all, I haven't got a Conga anecdote, but what about the rowing dance?

Oh, the joy of rolling on a pub dance floor covered in fag ash, no bends and beer spillage. Well, I did that most nights. That was just in your bedroom. Yeah. And guess where that texter is from? Dave in Brom. Yeah.

Oops, upside your head. Oops, upside your head, indeed. Five says, you forgot the point of bringing up congas, which was using it to go into women's toilets. Well, I mean, it was one. As I was saying to Rob Beckett, as I was saying to Rob Beckett, he's going to be my new catchphrase.

That's a good one. Did you say, will no one rid me of this man? Google it. No, this... If you don't know it, I haven't got time. Google it. No, will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest? Some priest, yes.

No, but I wasn't going to call Rob Beckett a meddlesome priest, in fairness. Well, I haven't told you the anecdote yet. No, I was telling him that when you're on... It's like being a cat when you're on a conga. You know, a cat can go anywhere, people's gardens and all sorts of things. That's what it's like on a conga. gives you this tremendous license you can go anywhere you like we're used to going in and out of shops and all sorts so just to clarify you were at the brits talking about congas as well yeah obsessed with the conga this guy i thought it was what the brits

needed more than anything was a good conga um mickey in wiltshire i Right, see I thought that Rhianna was starting a conga. Right. I misunderstood. What if I joined on the back? Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Drake, Rhianna and Drake, no trouble. Ricky laughs Hey, whoa! Um, Mickey in Wiltshire has texted, uh-

Oh! Oh! All right, Drake. Oh! Wiltshire has texted. Hi, Frank and the team. I am female and frequently get a full wash in the toilets. In fact, Thursday morning was the last time. From Mickey and Wiltshire on my narrowboat. I think that might be

her explanation. What about this character, Craig? I once had a bath at someone's house that I was doing a telephone installation in. They went out and left me to do the work. I was feeling rough after a late night

so I thought I'd have a bath to freshen up. That's Craig in Hereford. I think as long as the only line he left was the telephone line. Very good. Get me? Why are you holding an imaginary cigar when you say that? I'm thinking it was the telephone line. Very good. Get me? Why are you holding an imaginary cigar when you say that? I'm thinking it was the cigarette.

It's one of those northern comic things. As long as he, uh... Anyway. Um, that's... I think that's... That's acceptable. I think it's alright, isn't it? What? I mean, he's not... I bet he used, um, you know, he probably used a bit of aloe vera and stuff like that. I don't like it. Where are you, isn't he? What? I mean, he's not... But he used, you know, he probably used a bit of aloe vera and stuff like that.

I don't like it. Where are you going to draw the line? I'll have it be replaced. I don't want my sparks using my Jo Malone. It's just that it's the juxtaposition of electricity and water that's unnerving you. But I don't think he actually did anything harm. Okay. Did anything harm? Mmm. I must

stop hanging around with Drake. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got one more text. There's a few more actually about the people washing in public toilets. I think

it's a bit of fun. Just in response to the strip wash conversation earlier, I once saw a guy have a strip wash in an Indian restaurant using the hot towels they so kindly provided. That's from a man in Cumbria. Respect is due. That can't be true. I do my full face and my neck, but I haven't gone to it. Yeah, much to my wife's disgust but i often i'll with

the hot towel with the hot towel and she'll always go why do they give those cold ones i hate cold ones do they do cold ones sometimes on the plane also when the hot towel arrives you can have this if you want i always say i'm already full i can't eat anything oh it's oh every time every time you can use that if you like guys what about What about that time I was in Nobu and the woman come round and you know when people get their credit cards out? Oh, yeah. And I got my Oyster card out

and said, I'll use this just to pay for the oysters. Oh, lovely, Frank. Lovely bit of material. And the woman said, I don't think we take these. I mean, these... I mean, you know, they're supposed to be social people. That's why they've gone into a people business. Well, speaking of not getting the fun that's being offered, here's a text from 547.

People having to wash in public toilets because they have nowhere else to go makes you laugh? Have you guys considered joining the Conservative Party? That's from 547. Oh. I don't know what to say to that. I mean, I feel like I've been told off. Yeah, I don't...

I mean, we're talking about lorry drivers and stuff like that. I mean, they're all right. And eccentrics. Everyday eccentricity. And eccentrics, yeah. I would like to think of it as a celebration. Yeah, but... You like that pronunciation? It does make me laugh.

I find if I walk in and there's a bloke, there's a certain way they stand to stop their trousers falling down, which is a sort of sumo approach to ablutions, which, yes, it tickles my funny bone. Maybe that makes me a bad person. Well, Joe Hitchens says, my brother's ex-girlfriend stripped in the hotel toilets at my wedding to dry her dress with the hand dryer well i have basically clambered up a wall to get a damp patch off my trousers with a hand dryer in a gentleman's

toilet we'll leave it there okay so um We mentioned the Conservative Party moments ago, but you've been embroiled in some right-of-centre politics this week, haven't you, in many ways? Yes, I have. If I'm not mistaken, your chart-topper, Three Lions, has been covered by a UKIP candidate, or actually member, isn't it? What is she?

She's a candidate for think well i don't know mandy boylet is that her name oh i know a lot about mandy boylet yeah me too 51 the 51 year old she looks good for 51 we should explain properly who she is in case anyone's missed it? Yes. Frank, as the co-author of this song, I feel... David Baddiel and I and Ian Brodie brought out a song called Three Lions, which is a football tune some 20 years ago. And it's been modified by the people who are seeking a Brexit. Modified by the people who were seeking a Brexit. And they've done a song called We're Coming Out, We're Coming Out.

Is that what it is? Yes, I believe so. At first I thought it was two men when I first saw it. I thought, well, if you're coming out, go get the wigs on and the dresses. Live it up. It turned out it was just a hand. Yeah. No, so it's two women and, you know, they got short, very short...

It's not two women, it's one woman. Who's the other one? She's got a wig on, Mandy Boylan. And she made herself slightly smaller... It's the same woman. I thought that was Boris Johnson on the right. No, it's the same woman twice. It's Mandy twice. It's two Mandys.

Oh, she's done a... Very capable on the old... She's put a twist on it. On the video editing, isn't she? I wish they'd spent a similar amount of money on the costume budget. Don't go too escapade. I mean, it's very nice, but if you're doing a pop video, love. Escapade.

I thought they looked all right. It's not they, Frank. It's one lady. I told you one second ago. She looked... She looked very Brexy. Yeah. Don't laugh like that.

So she's done a Tom... What's the bloke that played... Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy. Yes. Yeah. It was a bit Sheila's Wheels ad, I thought, the whole thing. Yes, but...

Well, anyway, it has its redeeming features. And not bad for 51, cracking pair of pins. No, I've watched it, probably watched it six or seven times. I had no idea it was the same woman twice. Half a million views, Frank. It's what I've always said. Half a million views, and 400,000 of those was you and David Baddiel. Yeah.

That's what I've always said about dating identical twins. Who cares which one turns up? Very modern. That's what I've always said about dating identical twins. Yeah. Who cares which one turns up? Very modern. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've heard from an old friend of the show. Not been seeing around these parts for a while. Ian Angel has sent in... I thought it was going to be Peter the Wild. No, although we can bring him back if you want. We're always happy to talk about him. Oh, I miss Peter the Wild. Frank, if that engineer bloke used several of his customers' baths,

I wonder if he carried his own mobile phone. Oh. Is it Angle? It is. Of course it's Angle. I think his name's actually Angel, but we'll carry on mispronouncing it. No, I prefer Angle. Yeah, OK.

There's an angel walking past my shoes. We've also had an information-gathering text. Envelope. What are you doing? Bringing that chest to the shore. I don't know the words to Angels, but ultimately it doesn't matter, does it? No. We've got a picture of you. I'm sorry, Frank at the Brits.

Oh. Someone's showing us a picture. This is from George Bowie. Oh, George Bowie was on our table at Clyde FM. I was lucky enough to be at Frank's table. He's right about the dessert. And there's a picture of Kim Wilde holding it up.

Kim the Wilde? Kim the Wilde? I didn't. No, you didn't. Okay. I did. Frank, did you or David have to endorse this, or don't you have any rights to the song anymore? Hashtag Brexit. Well, we do.

The three of us have ownership of the song. Uh-huh. Good thing, then. Now that it's got half a million hits on YouTube. No, he hasn't actually made as much money from that as you'd think. Yeah. He hasn't. I've actually made more from the Brexit version.

Yeah. He will do. Now, illegally, yes, you are supposed to clear all that thing. But I don't want to go all, you know, Metallica Napster about it. But it's interesting that these people, who are so big on law and order, are actually completely flouting the musical rights thing. But, you know, I like the... As you know, I've got...

After my conversation with Jeremy Vine, I've got very into dance. I think it's quite... It might be at the core of our consciousness. So I enjoy the video on that. Because they've done something you don't see... When I say they, I mean she. Yes.

What she's done is she's done... Are you familiar with the genre sitting down dancing? Yeah. I'm familiar with it. People at weddings don't want to get up, but they have a bit of a dance sitting down. She's managed to do that standing up. She's swaying.

Yeah, I've never seen that done before. It looks like, you know, the beginning of a sort of movement class for pensioners. That's what it looks like. I'll come now. No, I'm not saying she looks like, you know the beginning of a sort of movement class for pensioners? That's what it looks like. I'll come now. No, I'm not saying she looks like a pensioner. I'm saying that's what you would do to gently ease the class into it. Yeah.

Do you get my meaning? Yes, well, I... I mean, I don't think we'll be taking any action. I don't know, I haven't spoken with my people. I mean, I don't... I think I'm allowed to say I don't share our actual opinions on... Yes. ..on Europe.

I think you can. I know nothing about the subject, really, but I've worked out that I want to stay in because the politicians who want to leave are even more obnoxious than the politicians who want to stay. And I think that's the way to sort it out. That's a good way of deciding. But I also believe in freedom of speech,

but not if they're not according to the music rights. Apparently you not just approve of freedom of speech. David Baddiel wrote in a column that you and he were laughing like drains. I had just had a shower. Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah. I was soaked. That clarifies my exact question. That was before I got dressed. He showed me the

video. Yeah. He said he would show me a video. Turned out he was recording. I'm glad it was that kind of video. But we should discuss some of the lyrics because I don't think they'll suit us. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Oh yes,, for example,

they've taken all our fish. Oh, yeah. It's one of the things. You got a problem with that? Well, I thought, first of all, when I heard that lyric, that they might be, it might be a really clever pun,

that it was going to be sea lions on a shirt or something like that. Oh oh that would be great and then they've taken all our fish because of all i mean we've all been to feed in time yeah and i thought well that's an interesting uh point that they've made about sea lions and then you could suggest that sea lions you know we'd let them in we if we'd patrol their coast more carefully they'd never have got but no they didn't they't go down there. I don't think it's true either. I mean, I had fish on Wednesday. It's not true. I had fish yesterday.

Well, there you go. Still. Stop telling when you had fish. And also, I think it's fair. Like, I quite often eat Portuguese sardines from a tin. So, you know, if we're having other people's fish... From a tin you eat them? Is it one of those tins with the key?

I mean, talk about aphrodisiac. I quite often eat sardines, Portuguese sardines from a tin. Smokies. I don't mean from a tin. I mean, I buy them, but they're in a tin, and it says on it, Portuguese. But you said from a tin. You did say from a tin, didn't you?

I meant the sardines are from a tin. I was picturing some revenants that have set up. Oh, like just me spooning it into my face? Yeah. Can you still get those sardine tins that open with a key? I imagine, yeah. Oh, I would hope so. I'm sure some hipster's got a shop dedicated entirely to them.

Oh, I think so, yeah. They want prisoners to vote. Oh, I know. They do. What about Lib Lab and Cameron? Oh, didn't quite work. There was talk about prisoners getting the vote. When I had a chat show years ago,

they want prisoners to vote. Multiple temptations. You know when you do your topical bit at the beginning? Yeah. And here was the joke, right? So they're talking about... I don't like this sort of weird mock me voice you're doing. Talking about these prisoners getting the vote, eh?

Well, a lot of them have put their exes in a box. Didn't go that well. It didn't go that well, I'll be honest with you. I quite like it. Well, thanks. If only you'd been there Of course those were different times Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio

We've got a text in Actually it might be an email Hang on a sec Here it is It's from 912. Love the show and listener comments, but please, we really don't need to know if it's a text or an email.

It makes the show sound needy and surprised when almost every comment read out is preceded by announcing we've had a text. Wow, really? Just read the message, please. Oh, do you think it does make us sound needy, Frank? Just to clarify, that was a text. Can I say, often with criticism, when you get it does make us sound needy, Frank? Just to clarify, that was a text. Can I say, often with criticism, when you get it like that,

you think, yeah, you do, yeah. Then when you think about it, you say, you know what? It's a fair point. Maybe they're right. You're absolutely right. Maybe we should just say, we should just read it. Okay. Thanks for your... Thanks.

I mean, you were a bit nasty with it, but still, you made a good point. OK, we'll move on. We've got a message from Richard Stokes. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to get into these things now. Do you know Richard Stokes? No, but thanks for the tip. It's the only thing to do with Doris,

in which case it won't be a text or an email, will it? Good point. Why? It'll be... It'll be from the other side tea leaves hi all just heard your podcast from the 20th of february i'm the best mate of film log man russell remember we had that um chat about a guy in your audience wasn't he who logged every film that he'd ever seen in the cinema i think he had a he had of 1,700 films that he'd seen at the cinema. Yes.

What was particularly significant is he had where he'd seen them and the date. And there was never a girlfriend with him. But no comment. That's not true. But there was no comment on the film at all. Right. Which if I did that, I never would, but if I did, I'd want to put what I thought about it.

Well, you do your journal every day with a review of the day indeed well uh richard his friend has said um i'm the best mate of film log man russell i've known him for 26 years and trust me the log is just the start of it he wrote two books about fried chicken shops that he'd been to and rated them he made me fat love the show from richard stokes richard i'd like to say that them. He made me fat. Love the show from Richard Stokes. Richard, I'd like to say that I feel I'm the best mate of film logger Russell is a slightly reaching on the name dropping front.

I think that might be a humble brag. Yeah, do you think so? No, maybe not. And he made me fat is my nightmare if some woman will turn up at my... with a child in her arms. And shout that. Well, that's interesting, though.

I love a bit of intertextuality. I think we all do. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, can I ask you a fashion question? You can always ask me a fashion question.

Great question. I've gone to Alan. Great question. Denim. Yeah? Disgust. Can you have too much? Did you see Kylie Minogue's frock that she presented in?

She wore two, but you're talking about the white sequined... This had got like a... It looked like... It had wings, essentially. Well, it looked like it had a pelmet on the back. And a curtain. Ralph and Russo. You're totally excluding me.

Yeah, I believe. Ralph and Russo? Yeah. Yeah. None of your business. Got a problem with that? Yeah. Have you never seen The Muppets?

Yes. It was a white... It was a bit superhero with the cape. But it looked like curtains on the back. I thought, you know, because she has, she has the most famous bottom in show business, I thought she would suddenly pull a string and da-da. Oh, that would be good. And it would have been a big round of applause.

But maybe even a standing ovation. Because it's the sort of bottom, I think, you can talk about now without sounding seedy because it's almost like a bit of an institution. Yes, a bit like an institution yes a bit like yours rear of the year yes well mine is as you know has broken free of its moorings but no it was it was covered throughout and i'm starting to think now maybe it was a shield for restoration work i sometimes get um you know next to bus stops when they have those those big like um hardboard things with a victorian house or when they uh i think she um hang on a second i'm giving my fashion opinion

i think she often makes correct fashion choices i think in this instance i'm with you frank i'm i feel it wasn't flattering to her, particularly. I thought she was being followed. It was overwhelming. I thought maybe Drake was in there. Weaving his magic. I fear that the dress wore her, rather than her wearing the dress. I'm going to leave it on that. You're listening to Frank Skinner's

podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. And it doesn't matter what the medium is. No, we don't care which one of those you do.

We just want to hear from you. We won't be discussing it. No. Fact. We're not going to discuss it now, but we've had a message, right? OK, yeah. I'm not going to say how. Oh, no.

It's from 195. This is a text from... I'm reading the text now. It's not me. No, no, they've said it. Oh, OK. I think they're being mischievous, actually. I think they might be trying to get the person back. This is a text from 595 saying, do you ever get random thoughts stuck in your head for months?

I'm still trying to get rid of Frank's anecdote of when he shook hands with Benny from Crossroads. Oh, right. Yes. I get that. I think I get that. Yeah. I recently found out on one of those Myers-Briggs tests online that I'm an INTJ, and for about 48 hours... I've actually thought that. Yeah, I don't... It's too long-winded to go into what that means.

I do know. But for about 48 hours, all I could think was INTJ, INTJ. I was walking to the shops thinking INTJ, INTJ. I just got those four letters in my head. You should do that Kanye West thing. What's that? Put it up and say, this is the title of my next stand-up tour. Oh, that'd be a good one.

Then the next stand-up tour, you could find a witty version of INTJ and then use that as the title. People will come up with suggestions. You could talk about your personality in the Myers-Briggs. There it is. It's written. You can have that. Brilliant.

So the old Myers-Briggs tour coming up. So what we want is text is, what should Alan Cochran's next tour be called? And the initials have to be I-M-T-J. Let's not do this. Leon Banshee has just... I will do, but I think we should do the show Neon Banshee has communicated with us let's say

through a means through a scream saying the saddest words I've ever heard I've never done a conga hashtag never too late I was a bit shocked that you've never done a conga. Hashtag never too late. Yes. I mean, what it is, I was a bit shocked that you've never done a conga. Because let's face it, you've lived. But it's very joyous and it's a group thing

and there's none of the responsibility of individual dancing. And you get to hold people by the waist. Last time I danced was with Russell Grant. Well, there's a man who could do a conga on his own. I'd like to break my conga virginity with you. Great, that's the next track. I'd like to break my conga virginity with you. Kirsten McCall there.

Anyway, sorry. Well, I've been travelling a lot by train recently, and I wondered... I know what you're going to say. That's a type of conga. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It is! I read an article about this chap,

some train announcer, who does... And I'm going to use air quotes here. He does funny announcements. So he says stuff like... He does bants. A trolley service of drinks and light refreshments will not be provided. He's a comical train driver. Yes.

It says in the article. Is he the driver? Does the driver make the announcements? I believe so. They do all the jobs now. Really? Yeah. It's not like Ivor the Engine days, love.

Yeah, he says things like, the ambassador would like to apologise, but unfortunately the Ferrero Rocher has run out this evening, but he is spoiling you by giving you eight coaches and 620 seats. So he kind of... That's his... That's his shtick. How long have they been on this train?

But he's doing the Ferrero Rocher advert. Spoof. Excuse me, I do that, but I'd like to think I do it in an ironic way. However... He does too. Oh, thanks. He did do some... He made a Ghostbusters joke as well.

Did he? He said... This is a light train. This train set off 30 years ago. He says, please leave your possessions near you. He goes, I mean, you can try calling ghostbusters, but I don't know if they'll be available at that time of night. And you know what was bad?

It didn't go well. No, that's the trouble. It's not. In fact, I think he should be hosting the Brits next year. He's used to speaking into a chasm of slightly aggressive silence. It'd be perfect. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You know, Alan's upcoming tour, forthcoming tour, I should say, INTJ. I'm actually on a tour at the moment. I don't want to start advertising one that isn't happening. What is your genuine tour called, out of interest? A show with a man in it. Oh, I like that. And mine's called The Man We Know Show. Yeah. That's weird, isn't it?

It is, Todd. What am I going to have to do? I feel I'm your sort of Brexit... Your previous show was called A Man in a Suit, wasn't it? It was.. I mean, let's just establish our gender. I'm going to have to be the woman in a swimming costume. I mean, I'm going to have to think of something. For the life gig, that sounds all right, yeah?

Yeah. Why not? So have we had any INTJs? INTJ, we've had some suggestions in. Matt has suggested I'm not telling jokes. I like that a lot. That's my favourite. That's good. But what would people

make of that as a title? Because they're not going to get the INTJ info until you deliver it as sizzling material. You have seen me, haven't you? So they'll say I'm not telling jokes. Well, do you tell? You don't tell jokes, do you? They happen.

Yeah, they happen. So it's not a bad description. Any others? And then M. Night has suggested... What about I'm not Tom Jones? That's good. Oh, that's good. And I'm not Tom Jones. Well, in that case, I'm not interested.

Yeah. No, that doesn't make sense. I'm not interested. It's T.J. at the end. I'm talking about me personally. Oh, I see. You still get somebody. He's on my list of things to do along with the conga.

I'm sorry. But he is. There's no point lying. I think you could probably combine the two on a dark night grab an order we still take our mc if you called the show i'm not saying what they used to be mc i think we better dance now MC. I think we better dance now. Remember that bit? I always used to say it looked like a bear waking up and find that mischievous boys had put a suit on it and they moved to try and get out of it. I think we better dance now. Get away from me. How dare you speak about my power. I only have

a little dance. We'll see where it goes shall we you won't say that when i turn up to balance with him but if you called it i'm not tom jones yeah you would get people in who said oh so i thought it was tom jones because it said like tom jones on the poster you would get that oh you would that would be uh complicated but i like it. Any others? No. Okay. We do.

We don't have any others in that respect, but we do on the conga front have someone who took part in the world's largest conga. And we know that because it was in the Guinness Book of Records, Paul from Woking. How long? He was at the Swanage Carnival. I took part in the world's largest conga. He doesn't specify.

Is it international, the conga? I mean, do they conga? Yeah, because I'm the person to ask, aren't I? I've never had a donwan. Do they conga in the Sudan? That's the next text in. Extraordinary question. Next text in, do they conga in the Sudan?

OK. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Erm... We were talking about the train bants. It's ironic, actually, that he's telling jokes whilst driving the train, cos, you know, I'm a professional comedian. Thank you, Alanis Morissette.

Is it a black fly on your chardonnay? You know, I'm a professional comedian. My new hobby's train driving. You're kidding me. Honestly. Is he kidding? Like peas in a pod, meaning. He's a bit anti about the train drive, right?

I think so. Why don't you like it? The guy's just trying to lighten the customer's load. Yeah, come on. Oh, I don't know. I just, I want almost everyone to shush a bit more, including train announcers. You know, there's that stupid thing on the Virgin trains now

where it's like, oh, if you've got... Don't flush stuff down the toilet like your dreams and your... And it's a joke and it's funny the first time. And then you realise you travel by train ten times a week and you go, shut up now. Sorry. What you're saying is you want less comedy in the world. No, I think I want fewer announcements. That's what I want is you want less comedy in the world no I think I want less

I want fewer announcements that's what I want I want less comedy do you? yeah that's what I was telling Ant and Dec just before the show no

well everyone's got a platform now you know I like a football podcast but it's very hard to find one where people aren't doing banter. I know. I just want people to talk seriously about football. I blame me and David Baddiel. I'll change that. David Baddiel and me.

We've ruined people just talking about football seriously. Well, they think they have to be jokes now. Oh, bants, bants, bants. Shut up about it I know but Emily's right everyone's got a platform the train driver's got two

the twitter people don't help the loud people on twitter Elton John in Tommy two massive ones I heard an announcement once which was completely serious and this I think is an argument for this that the most serious ones can be the funniest.

England were playing Pakistan. And this was in the days before people used to buy loads of corporate stuff in advance. You used to get a lot of what you could call away fans. So there was probably 7,000 or 8,000 Pakistani fans there and then loads of English fans. And the announcement, and it was at Lorde's a very po-faced posh bloke said yes will mr. Patel go to the meeting point please and the entire ground Pakistani and English alike all fell

about but see you know you what you couldn't write that. Well, you couldn't, mate. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. You know, Alan's forthcoming tour after the current tour. A show with a man in it. Tickets still available. What is it, INTJ? INTJ.

Yeah. Danny Gorman is suggesting I'm not that jovial. That's for sure. That's pretty good, I think. Yeah. I'll take that. You could have the that in block capitals. I'm not that I think. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take that. I'm not. You could have the that in Block Capital. I'm not that Joe.

Yeah. Yeah. That's the front runner, definitely. Yes, I still like I'm not Tom Jones. What about I've nailed Tom Jones? Yes. That'll be my tour coming up. How many tours could that be, though?

You could find it in the market swamp. Oh, come on. Hey, what's this toy you're doing? Anyway, I've got to go now, mate. Anyway, so... Shall we go over to E-mail Corner? Let's do it. Would you like some musical accompaniment for that journey?

Okay. I'll give you some. Here we go. Here we go. Me by gum, me by gum, me by gunmail corner. I thought we had you doing it now. Didn't we have you doing... Oh, I'll tell you what we discussed as an alternative.

I think Plastico Gonzales... Well, do you remember he got... Frank, you've correctly pronounced it, because remember he got quite cross because it was Plastico. I prefer Plastico. Indeed. I'll tell you remember he got... Frank, you've correctly pronounced it, cos remember he got quite cross cos it was Plast... I prefer Plastico. Indeed. He, um... I'll tell you what he suggested.

Um, email corner. But anyway, here we are. I'm glad you've paid tribute to Plastico. He doesn't get enough mentions on... No, don't, Frank. We didn't do that with Ian Angle, and we won't do that with Plastica. I say tomato.

Sorry? You say tomato, I say tomato. It's good we're all different. I say cost-o-mato. Cost-o-mato. Who was the manager of Mike Tyson. Good reference. OK.

I think that might be the first time cost-o-mato has ever been mentioned on this show. Surely. Surely. Yeah. There was no alarm, so it seems we're all right with it. Yeah, we are. Anyway. We're in the corner.

We're in the corner. And can I say nobody puts Costomato in the corner. See, I think he did work in the corner quite a lot. He spent many years in the corner. He's a corner man. It's ridiculous. I think I'd be a good boxing trainer, don't you? There's just one place you would put Costomato,

for goodness sake. Or gos-tomato. Cos, not gos. Oh, dear. Are you done? Well, I was just about to point out one of my favourite Elvis Presley quotes. Oh, don't let us stop you. Was that he was once verbally abused by... This bloke went over from England to give Elvis an award

from the British Elvis Association. They put him in a room... They left him in a room, locked in a room for two days with his wife. And finally he was allowed to give Elvis the award on an underground car park, as Elvis, in shades, obviously, walked to to his car and he just went over and said, I just want to say I've been a fan of yours all my life and we've got this trophy and you want to thank her very much.

And handed it to another bloke. And the wife, apparently, so the story goes, flipped and said, you, and swear, swear, swear, swear, swear, you know, he's given his life to you and you treat him, etc. And Elvis, she slapped Elvis and slightly missed and just knocked his shade so they were hanging on his face. And he said, I sure hate to hear cuss words on the lips of a woman. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the first email of the show, thank you. We're not meant to mention what medium it was sent in. But it's an email. Does that mean we're just going to call it Corner? Well, I feel like this person is a reign of terror over us. We just felt that it was a fair suggestion. You ask and you shall receive, yeah.

A corner. Thanks, Aesop. Frank, M and Alan. Long time first time in all that. Yes. But I felt compelled to contact. Imagine my joy as I was taking a shower, listening to the end of last

week's podcast on my waterproof Bluetooth speaker. You keep calling it a radio, but i'm sure it's just a speaker well hold on a minute let me give you a little bit of a background on this someone uh well it's not someone my um my uh sister-in-law and brother-in-law for my birthday bought me a um i'm gonna call it a radio which um is a shower radio because the foot i had a shower radio many years ago in the shape of a fish and whenever i switched it on in the shower it went and that was the only sound it made yeah and i you know i bemoaned it on the show and then um my like i say i got i got this from my in-laws, and I put it on, and it was lovely,

and then after about 40 seconds, it went... And I haven't been able to get it right. Now this person is telling me it's not a radio, it's just a speaker for what? Wow. Is it some sort of, like like an Aeolian harp? Which is played by the universe?

Shall I continue? It's a good guess. Okay. So where have I got to? I can't remember. I think Aeolian harp. Yeah. How commercial radio of you. So he was listening to the end of last week's podcast on his waterproof bluetooth speaker

not that remarkable i hear you say but this was the very first time i'd listened to your show in the shower and the first thing i hear you mention is you with your new shower radio that is the skinner effect if only the amazing world of arthur c Clarke was still on the television. I usually listen to other stuff, although not Women's Hour. Anyway. I said I can't listen to Women's Hour in the show because it feels inappropriate. Oh, I thought Philip was just sort of outing himself as a bit of a cigar smoker top gear type. No, no, he's bat-reffing. Anyway, I think Frank needs to charge his speaker.

Could be the first one needed that as well. There will be a USB socket on the speaker, this is like the crystal maze, under a little waterproof flap. Give it a good charge and try again. It's charged. Happy showering to all. Philip X Manchester now residing in Chicago.

Well, it's a radio. I'm sure it's a radio. I'm sure it's a radio. I'll be honest, I think Philip might have stumbled on some truth here, because I think there is a problem in Bluetooth. Bluetooth technology, I think it's hard to know when it's charged and when it isn't.

I've got Bluetooth. I should be alright with it. Earlier on you said they were green to match your jacket. Well, some are blue and some are green. Some are loving. Yeah, I think Bluetooth has a technology problem that you don't know when it's charged up, and I think that could be right. No, it is charged up, but it's a radio.

It's not a speaker. I'm not channeling anything. It's coming from this device. I don't shower with a speaker, which I think Sally burko once told me because what what's speaking what's speaking through it anyway what's the name of this guy philip he's called philip darling and he lives in chicago philip um i hope you're listening to this in your shower.

Welcome to my world. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was working recently with Tom Kerridge, the... Oh, the chef yes work with them all honey in fact um evidence of that is currently available on bbc i play so um i went to his development kitchen is what he has a development kitchen you have him building work done where he um well he developed one of those more scienceyy chefs, isn't he? Oh.

They'll mess about with sauces and all that. You know what they're like. Yeah. He's definitely got a blowtorch. So I was staying at a hotel. And his development kitchen is in

Marlow. Oh, is that Kent? Maybe. Anyway, so... No, I just make things up because I don't know England. No, I don't think it's Kent. Where is it, Daisy? Towards Oxford.

Towards Oxford. Yeah, just outside of London. Does that make it Oxfordshire? I don't know places. Anyway, if you're living in Marlow, don't get touchy-bags. It's a beautiful place. Just think yourself lucky.

Yeah. There's the... Where Mary Shelley finished Frankenstein. The cottage is there. Oh, how odd. And also the house of Thomas Love Peacock. So we say farewell to the people of Marlow. So I got... I got outside.

I got a text to say, oh, God, I got a message that said... Were you Han Solo or did you have someone with you? No, I was... That's a bit of a private question. No, I was on my own in a hotel room. OK. So I got this communication and and it said your cab is outside so i went outside there was three cabs on the car park and i thought well for goodness sake then this

guy got out of his cab and said three cabs on the car park was that mandy boyer after all tricks again with the covers that's it i don't know i don't know where that verse is going but i don't like the sounds of it anyway so um so this guy got out of his cab and said, it's just in here. So I got in the cab, and it was a freezing cold day, absolutely freezing. Oh, yeah. So I sat, and he dropped me. He said, here we go. So I got out the door, and I was outside Oxford Instruments

in High Wycombe. Oh. On a trading estate. Is there a trading estate? Is that what they call it? Industrial estate? Yeah, I'm the person to ask. Retail estate? Industrial estate. Okay, industrial. Yeah. Oxford Instruments in the freezing cold. Do you know what? I think I

preferred it when we were talking about fish. Trading estate. I like that, yeah. And Oxford Instruments is not like an intellectual maker of musical instruments, I don't think. Do they make protractors, Oxford Instruments? They do. They make... No, they make compasses and protractors, I remember. They make lutes and maybe a serpentine.

I don't know what they do, but I shouldn't have been there. So I ended up standing... Oh, you were in the wrong car. It was the wrong car scenario. I was in the wrong car park, as it turned out. And I had my sheepskin coat on, and people were staring, thinking they were doing a remake of Minder.

You look very lovable rogue in that. Oh, it was so... It was awful, actually. Minder, by the way, is a popular TV series from the 19... Was it 80s? Yeah, 1980s. It's not a popular TV series from the 19... Was it 80s? I think so. It's not a popular gay dating app.

There must be gay carers. They need friends as well. Anyway, it was quite an experience. It culminated in something... I don't have time to do it now. I'll finish this story next week.

No. Oh, you're not. We've never trailed a story for a whole week. We're not carrying over a story about a trading estate and Oxford Instruments to the next show. Yeah, I feel we'd have had someone who works at Oxford Instruments would have texted in and told us. Someone would have spotted me.

We'll have other stuff. Do you know what I mean? I'm building a collage. Okay, so either hang on for the people versus OJ or hang on for Trading Estate and Oxford Instruments next week. It's like who shot... What was his name? JR.

JR, yes. OJ, JR. Get names, you Americans. Anyway, thank you so much for listening and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!