The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - The Gift

Episode Date: February 14, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's Valentine's Day and the team discuss their opinions on the day as well as the 50 Shades Film - what will Frank's friends in the S&M community make of it? The team also discuss the new TV Series 'The Gift', reading lists and the Royals on Facebook.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why not text us on 81215? Or follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or then again, you could maybe contact us

through the Absolute Radio website. Happy Valentine's Day, Frank. Thanks. Morning. Alan, what did you get, Mrs Cockrell? Morning, Jim. Nothing so far. Nothing, Frank.

No. What did you get, Kathy? Well, nothing shall come from nothing. Oh, good. Bit of Shakespeare early on. King Lear, innit? It is King Lear. Well done, sir.

What did you get, Cathy? You might be tight-fisted, but you know your plays. I know my plays. Do you know my plays? He knows his plays. I know my plays in the world. You've got glitter on your nose there. If that's the spot, you're going to feel so bad in a minute.

No, no, it really did. Okay. Will you guide my sleigh tonight? Talk amongst yourselves whilst I remove it. Okay. Don't worry about it. It's radio. Glad you didn't meet me in the 90s.

Oh, you did. Yes. Yes. Anyway. Yeah, so, um, I, um, well, yes, I did get a small. I got a small. What did you get? Well, I don't know.

She might not have opened it yet. Oh, okay. Did you get her a card, though? It's a radish. A radish? Lovely. No, not really. I'm trying to eat a lot of cruciferous vegetables.

Card, yes, I got a card. Do you say, love Frank, or will you be my Valentine? I always say, be my Valentine. You have to say that. Be my Valentine. Oh, lovely. Evidently I always say be my Valentine. You have to say that. Be my Valentine. Oh, lovely. Evidently I don't. You don't have to say it.

Really rattled Emily. Did you get a card? Did you get a card in? I did. I got a gift as well. Oh. Prepare to say what the gift was? Mind your own business.

Okay. No, it was a very middle class Valentine's gift. It was tickets to a production of Sweeney Todd. Hummus. With Emma Thompson. Sweeney Todd. Hummus. With Emma Thompson. Sweeney Todd at the E&L. Are you going to the opening night? No.

Oh, I am. Me too. Victory is mine! No, that'll be tremendous. Ken Dodd as the barber. Yeah. Surprise casting, isn't it? Yeah, I think it's quite a good idea.

Love is like a violin. I didn't know you could do Ken Dodd so good. It's always nice when you stumble on another impersonation. My Ken Dodd is... I was going to say legendary. Oh, I got a Valentine's card from Nugget as well. Oh, yeah, Nugget. I was trying to tell you earlier,

but Frank doesn't like it when I get fan mail. He always changes the subject. That's so not true. He does. Honestly, I got two pieces of fan mail this morning. Anyway, I was watching the telly this week. I got some fan mail from America, and I got a Valentine's card from Nugget.

What fan mail from America do you speak of? It's from a character in Maine. He printed out a picture of me on Twitter and asked me to sign it. Nice. Maybe I should say to him, Banga, and he'd say, no, no, really, I just want one dinner. Banga, Maine, it's a place. Give my love to 1994, you blue period.

Have you not heard of Banga, Maine? Yes, I have. I haven't. Anyway, Maine? Yes, I have. Anyway, Nugget, thanks for the Valentine's card and I appreciate that as you say yourself, I am happily married. Yes. Can I talk about what I saw on the telly this week? Yes, please do.

I've watched quite a lot of television this week. More television than I've watched for many a long year and oft. Oh, like a pensioner. Yeah. Do you ever get those weeks when you think television is brilliant? I'd forgotten how brilliant it was. Maybe I should try

doing some brilliant television. Instead of my general run-of-the-mill stuff. Don't do this. I don't think I should do that. I don't think you should beat yourself up on the radio. It's not good. So there's a programme called The Gift. Oh, yeah.

Started on... You wouldn't like it. No. It doesn't sound like my cup of tea. That's the horror channel for having it. But what happens is that people get the chance to either thank or apologise to people from their past. Oh!

No. Oh! No, it's not for me. Not for me? No, you'd be surprised. It was good. I thought, I thought, I know. Let it go.

Not sure about this. And then I was, you know, you know, I was off to bed. I mean, it was nine o'clock. Yeah. What? And. Can I do a programme called Let It Go, in which you don't apologise to people from your

past? Let it go? Yeah. I, um, what was missing for me was that you don't, you can't go back and demand an apology from someone from your past. That's what I would have liked. No, but I was leaving the room, and it started, I thought I'll watch the first bit standing on.

And then I did that thing when I sat on the arm of the sofa. I'm not going to watch I thought I'll watch the first bit standing on and then I did that thing when I sat on the arm of the sofa I'm not going to watch this I watched about the first 20 minutes on the arm of the sofa I actually put a western saddle over it for effect and then I settled down and watched the whole damn thing

did you like it? I must, I don't, yes I was sort of hooked by it. It did start me thinking who would I want to say sorry and thank you to. I can think of a few. Yeah. Anyone I went out with for more than a week,

sorry, and anyone I went out with for less than two days, thank you. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What's happened? Everyone stopped talking. We've had a text joke.

Have I said something wrong? It's a joke of sorts, I think. But that's not why you stopped talking. 914 has texted, and I like that he's getting into the spirit of this. And at first I thought that we'd done a bit of a public service from Ginger Steve thank you for reminding me that today is Valentine's Day

so far so good I thought excellent we've helped him out I had forgotten but I've managed to book a table I'm taking a chance as I'm not sure that she even likes snooker see he's done a little gag he's put a gag in there I like it it's good 914 well done 914 I'm not sure that she even likes snooker. See, he's done a little gag. He's put a gag in there. It's a good joke.

I like it. It's good. 9-1-4. Well done, 9-1-4. Because when you said it, I thought, well, he won't have booked a table this time of the morning in a restaurant. Online? He could have gone online.

Can you go online? You're so trusting, Frank. I love that about you. I mean, it's Valentine's Day. Can you imagine it? He's a gung-ho out there. OK. There is another email that I'll have to find

because it's disappeared now. So you'll just have to... 514 is confirming that television is indeed brilliant. Thank the Lord for Edison. That's from Neil. It's good that we come on radio to say that.

It's what everyone in radio, of course, thinks. Yeah, that is a worry. Well, not me, obviously, because I've come the other way. I won't have a word said against radio, because I'm so impressed and excited, and you were too, because Mike Reid came in here this morning and asked to borrow some bread. He did.

Well, he actually said, can I borrow some toast? I think the hint was that we were supposed to toast it for him. Oh, were we? What did you say? You just said, yeah, no problem. Well, I'm still quite excited that Mike Reid comes in. I was. I wish he'd just chuck in the odd quiz question.

I felt like we were on the Saturday Superstore. I love a pop quiz. Yeah, mate. You'd love a quiz, though, wouldn't you? I love a quiz of all kinds. So anyway, the gif. So I was thinking about who I'd say sorry to. And I'll be honest.

I'll tell you what. I once said sorry to Sophie Ellis-Bexter. Oh, yeah. Because I... You were a bit mean to her. I was a bit mean to her, yeah. Well, we know what you said. You said, why the wide face? I did, yes, at the Brits. Let's not put salt in it. She might be a listener now. It's odd how... Well, I have apologised formally. How often

the Brits comes up on this show, my loveliest. In my career, it's a sort of my version of the night they drove old Dixie down or whatever. It was my bleakest. 90% of the time, it comes up because of me, let's be honest. Yes. You bring it up.

But it's fine. I think it's good to have something to keep you humble. Yeah, that's a flaw in your Persian rug, Frank. At school, yes, exactly. At school, I was part of the bully gang. Were you? Yes. I'm disappointed.

Yes. So was I. Yeah, and I'll tell you what's the interesting thing about it. I mean, obviously, it's a terrible thing. And I could go and seek out some of those boys there and say, sorry, but I didn't actually, I didn't do much physical stuff. I did the jokes, I didn't do much physical stuff. I did the jokes, the verbals.

It's a bit like moving your coffee table upstairs isn't it? You did the sort of instructing. I always think I was a sort of, I was the bully gang's artist in residence. The foreman of the works. But obviously it's a terrible thing bullying and well it is nowadays

then it was accepted as part of life. But, um, we were glad of the exercise. But, um, I'd like to, um, so I could imagine going back and apologising to them. Yeah, and maybe go back to the kids I didn't bully, just for a quick dead leg. Yeah, even things out. kids I didn't bully just for a quick dead leg. Yeah. Even things out. But I do I kind of think a lot of comedians

when you hear comedians interviewed or read their autobiographies they often say yes oh well I was bullied at school and you know that's why I became a comedian. But I would say being a bully at school is much better practice for being a comedian. I think that's true. Yeah. It's

a simple step then to being honest. So these people say I was bullied at school and that's how yeah it's a simple step then to being on stage so these people say I was bullied at school and that's how I learnt blah blah blah and you see them on stage saying fat bloke comes in a bit late and they say I've been jogging have you mate and you think hold on a minute

you were bullied at school so I'd go back and say sorry to those kids I'm not going to name them that's nice, though. And the thank you, have you thought of a thank you? Yes, there's another kid from school called Christopher Watts. Oh, yeah. Glad we're protecting his anonymity.

Oh, yeah. Called Mr X. Yeah. Well dealt with there, Frank. It wasn't Malcolm, was it? We can do it in the edit. Yeah. Live, you say?

So what happened with him? So I think I might have to tell you after the adverts. Oh, you're teasing us with Christopher Watts. Yeah. Cliffhanger sounds like more bullying, doesn't it? Christopher Watts anecdote coming up. But I wish I could have what he has got. Oh, thanks for not getting that.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So, Christopher Watts was this kid at school. Little glasses, National Health glasses. And there was this girl in our class who was like the prettiest. This is honestly when we were about six. I think you've gone too soon into this. It's like you've got to save it. It should be like the end guest on the chat show, shouldn't it?

No. Well, they might be dead now. You know, you've got to save it. It should be like the end guest on the chat show, shouldn't it? No. Well, they might be dead now. You know, they're my age. Okay. And they haven't had my... And other very

undepressing things you've said. Well, they probably haven't had my easy life. So, that's one of the positive things

that you've said. So, there was a girl called Annette who was the prettiest girl in the class. We were tiny children, all of us.

he did the... I'll tell you who was the big band at the time was girl in the class. We were tiny children, all of us. So he did the... I'll tell you who was the big band at the time was Freddie and the Dreamers. So this kid, he got some of his mates together and they did, at the end of the day, the teacher said, oh, Christopher's going to do... I said, well, hold it. What about, you know, what about our lessons and things?

Well, I mean, it's mainly the sand pit. So he did a Freddie and the Dreamers. And I could see... He serenaded. Like a performance. Yeah, he got up. Because he had glasses on, so he was halfway there. Because Freddie and Freddie and the Dreamers.

You know, Freddie Garrity. And as you know, Freddie Garrity breeds contempt. And so he did that. And he became the star of the class. I bet that went down well with you. Well, what I'd go back and thank him for is showing me the advantages of being in show

business. Because after that, Annette thought he was marvellous. And then, can I tell you the pathetic ending to this story? This is so pathetic. About a week later, I said to, I got some mates together and I said to the teacher. Oh, I feel sick. I know you the pathetic ending to this story? This is so pathetic. About a week later, I got some mates together, and I said to the teacher... Oh, I feel sick. I know what you're going to do. I feel sick.

I said, can we do a performance? Oh, you didn't. And what's even worse, what did we do? We did Freddie and the Dreamers. So we even did the same thing. And I wore sunglasses, because I hadn't got any glasses, so all that. Oh, and on your lips it sounded hollow,'m afraid I mean we were better but we were second

and the terrible thing was I remember afterwards he said to me you don't really wear glasses and he was right yeah but the fact that we did why did we do Freddie and the Dream because you're intensely competitive.

I know, but we had the whole of Mercy beat. So did you go out with Annette after that? No. We didn't go out. We were six. But Annette... We didn't go out. No, I don't know what happened to her.

If you're listening, Annette, it's all right. I'm all for it now. Don't bother texting me. Frank, I would like to apologise to James. I must have been about eight. OK. And he wrote me a letter saying he loved me. Nice.

And I didn't love him. So I asked my mother, I said, what should I do? She said, you need to tell him. You need to put him out of his misery. OK. So I wrote him a letter back. I've still got it, actually. Did he live locally? Yeah, but people wrote to each

other in those days. He lived in Highgate, I lived in Highgate. Eight-year-olds wrote to each other. Welcome to my past. Probably with a quill from Emily's paper. And I wrote it on Muppet notepaper. Oh, that's not a great movie. When I say Muppet, it had a sort of it was in a little oval. It was sepia photograph of Sattler

and Waldorf. Oh, okay. Nice. And I said, dear James, I said, thank you for your letter, but I'm afraid I do not love you. Okay. And I said, I cannot love you. I cannot love you. That's better, that's better. Was he working class?

That's more Jane Austen, I cannot. No, he wasn't working class. No. His mother produced Swap Shop. He probably knows my name. Oh, okay. And then I said at the end- I bet you could have got some toys, leftover toys. Oh, yeah. I said, I cannot love you. I said, P.S., I like you better than Tom Cole Adams. I think that was quite nice. Was that another kid at school? Yeah. Tom Cole Adams.

Yeah, put him in a league table. That's gonna make him feel better. He's not in the relegations though. I've suffered so much in that age though. It seems silly now, but it does hurt. I like the fact it was on Muppet notepaper. That's horrible being dumped on Muppet notepaper. Even then you were pulling the strings. I did. I ended my marriage on Muppet notepaper.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I'm not sure I really understand this gift programme. It's just people find someone from the past that they should have said sorry to. Or thank you. Or thank you, and then they go up and they say it.

I don't mean like someone who opened the door for you in 2008. See, that's my problem with this show, is that I'm an over-sorrier. I scatter sorries about to people in the service industry like they're going out of fashion. Oh, you're such a nice guy. Well, thank you. Someone putting something down, thank you. And then I sometimes say sorry for how many times I've said thank you.

It's a disgrace. I'm firing that. You're disproving the old adage that sorry seems to be the hardest word. I reckon you had quite a temper on you when you were a young'un. Oh yeah, when I was a young'un I had a temper. Actually, yeah, I should maybe look up... In case you don't know, new readers, Alan killed two people in a McDonald's

in 2004. Yeah, but it's... He served his time. In Strathclyde, I believe. And I can apply for jobs like this. I just put spent in the column for whatever it is. We were encouraged that you'd learn your time. You're a changed character.

It was a special scheme you were part of. I did fight a lot at school. I think he was overcharged. I'm not... I'm not going back and saying sorry to the people I fought at school because that was all with me being in the right. I fought a lot. I love the way you've moved on.

No, but I was in the right. They were bullies. What's wrong with that? I'm joking. Can I say there is definitely something wrong with that? Maybe I should find them and thank them, because they brought out my temper, which... Yeah, they toughened you up.

Now you can handle a rough-and-tumble stand-up comedy crowd. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder. Well, you can ask. You see, Frank and I both, it's clear, made a decision to be with the cool kids, if you like. Right. We were both slightly clinging on by our fingertips. There weren't actually any cool kids in our school, I don't think.

What about that Freddie and the Dreamers with the glasses? He sounds nice. Yeah, that's pretty cool, isn't it? Freddie and the Dreamers is not that cool to be a tribute act. True. You were made for me. In case you don't know, Freddie and the Dreamers, back catalogue. I have thought of a sorry that I could say,

but it wasn't accepted at the time, so I suspect it might not be now when i was a younger man okay when i was a younger man i was once um i was being uncommonly for me i was being chatted up by a very attractive girl in stoke upon trent when i was uh and i'd i'd been drinking why aren't you talking i think this would be in my early 20s lovely and uh and you've been drinking lovely. I had been drinking, and whilst talking to this girl, I was getting quite excited, thinking, oh, my God, it seems that she fancies me. She was asking me questions about myself, which is a big tell, isn't it?

I don't know. She was wearing a police uniform. Not many girls had asked me questions about myself at that stage. What sort of basic biographical information? Yeah, stuff like that, what you're up to, you know, that sort of thing. And I turned stuff like that what you up to you know that sort of thing and and i turned away to stifle a little gaseous burp that i had in the back of my throat and i vomited through my fist and adjacent to her and and then i rushed off to the bathroom and cleaned myself up and came back to apologize and whenever i said oh sorry about that she just turned her back on me we just would on me it was almost like cat and mouse

she just wouldn't so I've already tried that apology but I suppose I could get the gift crew to take me, find her and maybe see if she'll accept it yet that's sickening of course the great payoff to this story is that Gassius Burp changed his name to Muhammad Ali

he became an icon. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you what, occasionally on this show, we speak of mispronunciations. Oh, yeah. And I'm a great fan of the mispronunciations oh yeah and i'm a great fan of the mispronunciation i love the idea that people can go through life hearing a word pronounced one way and they pronounce it another and i know i

did this myself with steven gerard we also had somebody saying uh last week when we were talking about birthdays somebody texted saying they say, Frank, it's birthday, not birthday, which is... Birthday. Well, you can't help that. Well, she always say birthday, don't I? No. Who are these people? But it's a...

They'll be telling me in a minute. Just for example. It isn't Chimbley. Anyway, I heard... I was listening to this podcast and this guy was talking about... Oh, look at you with your podcast. Oh, yeah. Beyond the Box sets now.

Yeah, it was Zoella. Never heard of her. No, it wasn't. She's a blogger. He just got into the bloggers. Oh, right. I just met her. Well, I didn't meet her, actually.

He's getting friendly with them now. Yeah, they're a phenomenon. Meet her online. She's a phenomenon. She's an online phenomenon. I didn't meet her online. No. What are you getting at?

I was going to say, you would meet a blogger, innit? Yeah, but I... Look, she did bake off, and I've... Oh, okay. Anyway. Defensive. So... Started it with look.

Never a good sign. Look. So, um... Yeah, so this guy was talking about writing for the BBC, and, you know, the whole process. And he was talking to a younger group of people. And he said, so he said, you know, I didn't get it back for my ages and then they wanted this.

And I thought to myself, wow, these dudes are slow moving. And he meant dudes. And he thought you said it's dudes. He didn't. Oh, and I felt, i'm feeling it again now i felt like somebody was was just running a scrubbing brush up the up my back nice no i did that oh don't oh he said it sounds potentially offensive i hope david baddiel wasn't listening no i don't think he meant that I'm sure he didn't mean that. But it reminded me when I was

in a band once. We were rehearsing in a church. We weren't doing all the young dudes, were we? Not all of them. I was doing my best. And this policeman turned up and this was in the early 70s and

because there'd been a complaint about the noise coming from this church hall. And he did the community policing. All right, come on, lads, you know, you have to turn it there. And he said, so have you done any jigs yet? Oh. But I was listening, Melvin Bragg. Yes.

Melvin Bragg. He does a Radio 4 thing where they take a subject from history every week and he has experts on who talk about it. Yeah, I like it. Yeah. Don't tell me there was a mispronunciation on Melvin Bragg. No, it was amazing.

They were talking about one of Bruegel's paintings. It's like Lenten and... The very famous one. Yes. Well, there's many. But anyway, they were talking about that. And I like a bit of Bruegel, so I thought I'll tune in. And they had a woman on who was a couple of experts.

I think she was the second or third expert. She said, well, the thing is with Bruegel. And I thought, why? And he didn't say anything. She kept saying Bruegel. No, you'll find that'll be some obscure Flemish sort of regional pronunciation. And she was just digging her toes in. She's gone meta.

She's gone meta. That's what she's done. But everyone else on there was saying Bruegel. And she was saying Bruegel. Well, let's call the whole thing Flemish. But I think I've lost the audience with the Bruegel stuff. You think so? I don't know. They're probably all enjoying some Bruegel stuff. You think so? I don't know.

They're probably all enjoying some Bruegel's right now. Yeah. Your man. No, they're not those. Oh, have I really misunderstood this whole chat? It's like a painting thing. Oh, I thought it was a breakfast chat. I'll tell you why this is playing.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 8.12.15. Tweet us

at Frank on the radio. Email us via the Absolute Radio website. I was looking for a bit of variety with that link. We've had an email, actually. We have more than one. Yeah, we've had an email that I'd like to bring to your attention, guys, titled Bullying.

Morning, guys. Not surprised Frank and Emily had times in their childhoods when they were bullies. They still do it every week to Alan. When are you going to let him off the hook for Descartes? Never. I don't know. Maybe we should set a date, Descartes Day. That's a good idea.

Is there a statute of limitations on Descartes? That's a good idea. If we find out when Descartes' birthday was, we can work. That's a different bloke. Now Descartes, it's a little delivery service that works round my way. What's odd and rather unfair is that I did...

Life? Wine Mariner? Yes. And I don't get in as much trouble. I know. It's amazing, really. Yeah. Aware as I pronounce everything perfectly on the show.

Yep. It's your birthday. That's the way. I don't say that. I really don't say that. Maybe it was like Bert Reynolds' birthday when I was doing a pod. Join the bullying crew.

No, don't. That would be terrible. I'd be good in the bullying game. Frank, we've had an email in, which I rather enjoyed, which is a reference to the fact that you played a Gary Newman track at some point. Yes.

On one of our portals. Our friend's electric. Yeah. Paul Johnston has emailed us to say thanks for playing our Friends Electric. Gary is great. This is Gary Newman. Hmm. He used to live at the house behind my

parents. Ah. His brother did puppet shows with him playing backing music on the synth. Oh good. Brilliant. When we were kids, growing up in Stanwell in the 70s. Great times. That's brilliant that Gary was still on the synth though., brilliant. When we were kids, growing up in Stanwell in the 70s, great times. That's brilliant that Gary

was still on the synth, though, even then. Can you imagine that? Hello, Charlie. Brilliant, Gary Newman, and still doing it. Also brilliant for that person if someone says,

oh, I'm a big fan of Gary Newman, have you seen him? And him saying, yeah, I've seen him play the accompaniment to puppet shows. I've seen him do a few gigs in our shed. Pretty exclusive work. We've also had a missive in from 163.

Hi, guys. OK, we'll let you off the hi, guys. In reference to singing Crazy Horses after someone's name, which you often do, Frank. So an example of how you do it. I'll give you an example if I can find... Can you not say the name of anyone who's in the news in a controversial manner? No, I won't do that.

So it's sort of Gary Newman. That's how it works. Okay, so 163 continues. If someone lists a load of places, I also sing pop music at the end. I do that. Well, he says it's like London, Paris. Everybody talk about pop music. I work in a logistics place, so I get to sing it most days.

Yes. So if anyone says to me, yeah, I've been to like Bolton, Barnsley. Everyone's talking about pop music. That's brilliant. We are brothers in that tune. Just FYI, I'll never say I've been to Bolton Barnsley. No. The Maldives.

Unless they start opening restaurants in London named after northern towns and cities. That's a good idea. It's pretty unlikely. That would be good. Pretty unlikely, I think. Oh, just scratching. So,

are any of us going to see Fifty Shades of Grey? Big week for you and your friends in the S&M community, isn't it? Well, you say that, but we were so let down by Twelve Years a Slave. No! What are you doing?

Well, nowhere near enough chains. I mean, we were, you know... So I think... What's wrong with you? I think this one is going to be too... It'll be too shiny. Do you know what I mean? Do you think so?

Oh, yeah. I think it looks good. I don't like the... It looks good. As if you're going to shell out for Mrs. Cockrell to go and see that. You wouldn't even buy her a card. You wouldn't even say, happy Valentine's Day. That bloke on the market

that sells them in envelopes. Like a Ken Loach film, your Valentine's Day. Yeah, I'll just wait a year and get it from the cap. Do you know, um... Are you going to go? They had to put on extra screening. Am I going to go? Because I'm not going to go? They had to put on extra screening. Am I going to go? Because I'm not going to go. Is she? We're going Sunday.

No, I'm not going. I might watch it. I haven't read the books. No. Me neither. My dad bought them for me. Did he? A few years.

It was a strange birthday present. A few years back. All three volumes. I didn't read them because I worry that it might read a bit like... You know when something's been translated via Babelfish or something on the computer? Yes. I think it might read a bit like that.

I don't know, maybe I'll enjoy the film, but Simon Cowell's going. Yes, he is. Lock up your daughters. I'm going to play some nice music and then we'll talk about this. I've got... A balance. I have a serious problem with the whole phenomenon.

Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank the whole phenomenon Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We're talking about Fifty Shades of Grey I don't think I'll be going Will you be going Frank? No

I'll tell you for why I don't like I'll tell you what I. I don't like... I'll tell you what, it's sort of... I think it's the middle-class version of a dirty film. Yeah. The way that... Oh, here we go.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. That's not a dirty film. No, it was a kung fu film for middle-class people. They didn't want to go and watch Enter the Dragon or Kung Fu the Head Crusher. Yeah. And I don't like that. If people must have these things, they should go to the internet

and dig deep. All football films are for middle class people as well. Yes, definitely. Do you agree with that? Yeah. But these are for people who think that sexual liberation is best symbolised by the Wicked Willy calendar. You know, I mean, it's not what it's about.

So I just, I won't be going. It's not what it's about for you and your friends, is it? Do you feel like an early Smiths fan? I am an early Smiths fan. No, in the sense that you were there first. Well, I, God, I had so had that with Eminem. I'll say that. I went to see Eminem at the Estoril.

And it was Esonim. I had a little kick, yeah. And then, and then by the time I saw him at Wembley, there was kids with dyed hair, little tiny kids with dyed hair and big white T-shirts on and one leg rolled up. Anyway, so no, I don't... And as we were saying this morning, the people doing this, the people in the film,

do not look like the sort of people who generally get involved in these activities. You mean they're attractive? What do you mean? Well, because of the people I know, and this is breakfast radio, so you have to be careful, but the sort of, you know, swinging and piercing and all that. What is it, pierce?

You can't suggest that they behave in that way. Maybe that was wrong. I'll take them out. I'm just trying to think of clean things I can refer to. But those groups, nearly everyone involved in them... We're allowed to say BDSM, I believe. All that. They mainly look like John Prescott. And as for the men... That's such an old comedy trope.

I know, but you know what? It landed. No, but do you know what I mean? I do know what you mean. And I like that. I like that. The women all look a bit like Elton John, don't they? Well, I think that seems to work. I don't think people like Dakota...

What's she called? Dakota Channing. Is that her name? I don't know. Griffiths. Johnson. She's Don Johnson's daughter, isn't she? Oh, that's right.

We're going well here's this with this and the bloke i think is jamie dornan used to go out with kira knightley yeah he's a calvin klein model x you are i'm not no i think he's uh calvin classics i heard that's what i could be i just think if you're going to go down that road yeah you've got to have a bit of money let's be honest have you yeah well I just think if you're going to go down that road... Yeah. You've got to have a bit of money, let's be honest. Have you? Yeah. Well, I just think there's nothing someone taking you around B&Q to get bits of mobs.

There's a lot of talk of B&Q in this story. A lot of talk of B&Q. Simon Cowell banging on about, oh, then we'll be going to B&Q. What do people get from B&Q that they think can be used in... I think duct tape. Oh, my God, naive much? Duct tape and rope. Oh, all that stuff.

All that stuff. See, if my wife said to me, oh, we're going to go and watch... My wife! ...Fist of Shades of Grey. Just a bit of my BDSM material. And then we're going to B&Q. I'd be worried.

I wouldn't be worried that there would be some kind of kinky behaviour following. I'd worry about the DIY that I might have to do at some point in the future. What about when I went to B&Q and I'd just bought a flat and I saw these lights with, like, metal grids over them and I thought, these are great, I'm going to get these and put these in every room, I love them. They're really sort of like craftwork, neo-industrial. So I bought these and I said, so I'm going to put...

So I was talking to the person who was with me in the kiosk. I said, so I'm going to put one in the kitchen and one in the... And the bloke on the thing says, erm, them for a garage. I said, sorry, he said, them for a garage. I said, I know normally they are, but I'm going to put them in the living room and stuff. And there was a long pause and he said,

Them for a Gary. Terrible, immovable rigidity. The Guardian. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We have a thing on this show called Idiotic Eureka Moments when you don't get something until much, much, much later. So, like, sooty and sweep are both sort of ponds on chimney sweeping. But it just struck me for the first time that Fifty Shades is called that

because he knocks Fifty Shades out of her. Is that...? I don't know. Is that not right? Is it? Someone will let us know, won't they? No, I don't think it is that, Frank. OK.

I mean, the lead character is... It fits perfectly. That's not what it is. The lead character is called Christian Grey, isn't it? Yeah. Which I think is a shade on the Dulux colour chart. I think we did our skirting boards Christian Grey. Yeah. Yeah, I think that was Yeah. Which I think is a shade on the Dulux colour chart. I think we did our skirting boards Christian Grey. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that was good. All these women can't see that Jamie Dornan. I don't get it. You've got a nerve having Christian Grey in your house. Exactly. Isn't there an atheist black? That's what we should have gone for. It didn't work with the walls which we'd gone

for the agnostic yellow. But I don't know, keep doing these if we want to get to wall 50, if you want. I like heathen green. Oh, nice. That's what I've got, Frank. I found the walls came tumbling down. My wife gets very vexed about this, what film, the Fifty Shades of Grey film. She said she got really annoyed the other day saying, I wish the papers

had stopped calling it mummy porn. I hate that phrase. Can we say it? I think so. But it made me immediately think of the big creatures with bandages on. I thought, well, it'll sell a lot of tickets in Egypt, won't it? What do you mean? Like these creatures?

Mummy on the Orient Express. Yes, indeed. Frank's got a T-shirt with a mummy on it. Sadly, I've got a T-shirt with the Doctor Who episode on it that I was in. I don't know what to say about that. I mean, what if I wore the Triffids T-shirt? I'd be happy with that. Would you?

Yeah, what if I wore an Always and Everyone T-shirt? Yeah. Conveniently ignoring trying again. The elephant in the room. But yeah, two mummies getting off with each other wouldn't be a box office smash, would it? Although you would be able to say, hey, you two, get a tomb.

Get a tomb. Get a tomb. It's good, I like it. Thanks, thanks. I'm happy with that. I'm pleased. We've had a text in, actually. It's quite a serious one, I'll warn you.

People shouldn't watch Fifty Shades because of its BDSM. They shouldn't watch it because the main guy is emotionally manipulative and abusive to the girl, and it's a poor example of true BDSM from a BDSM purist, I'm guessing. Well, I think that could be a fair point. Yeah, I'm, yes. What do you think? As someone within the community, Frank, as a spokesperson for the community, how do you feel about this?

I think this person makes a valid point. That kind of psychological control thing is a bit bleak, let's face it. I mean, it's not for me. Don't get enough from advertising. This is commercial radio, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry about that. We can change that.

Can we change that in the still life? What's Mike Reid going to think of this? Relax. Oh, don't play that. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So we read that text about BDSM a moment ago

and we've had a follow-up answer from Neil in Penge saying that BDSM bloke... That was the command that he was given. He's saying that BDSM bloke is bound to say that. Oh, very good. I don't know if it was. Was it a bloke? I don't know. That's. Was it a bloke? I don't know.

That's a good point, actually. Yeah. But no, I'm happy with the pun. Don't assume. And I believe we're about to... Because if you assume... Yeah. You get all sorts of things wrong. Oh, don't say that.

Yeah. I'm still a bit embarrassed about me saying, what are you looking at when you're looking at my picture? Well, that song was funny. Al suddenly looked at me and went, what are you looking at? Took me back to. What was going on? 1978 in Birmingham.

Can I be honest? I was into it. It was good, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I was actually looking at Al's t-shirt. Do you know what it was? It was a bit Top Gun. Yeah. What was going on between you two.

A bit Top Gear. Anyway, I believe we're going to take a wander into email corner i think we should we haven't for ages i'm still here we go nice mixing now mixing i like that. I like that. You were scratching earlier, so we've got mixing and scratching. I love that bit at the end. It's all gone a bit whiplash. Was that cartoon he used to be on, The Simpsons? Itchy and Scratchy.

Oh, that's mixing and scratching. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, after listening to Frank's story about the game of I Spy with Buzz on the bus... I should say this. Oh, yeah. That Buzz does colours instead of letters, so he doesn't know letters yet. Buzz is my two and a half year old. So he said

I Spy with Mike Lysol beginning with grey and Christian Grey had just got on. What are the chances? And then he said daddy's hair. Which is quite a tough moment for me. Ouchy. Anyway, he says, after listening to that story,

I thought I'd make Frank feel better. I took my four-year-old son for a haircut and I asked him how he would like it cut in. He looked up at me and said, I'd like my haircut like yours, Daddy. He paused for just a second before adding, with a hole in the back. Oh. Thanks, Tom.

Oh, that's harsh. I think that means he's a balding gentleman. Yes. But, um... He might be a Franciscan. I hope he then... I could have been asking for a tonsure. Yeah.

I hope he then did say to the hairdresser, could you just shave a little chunk out of the back of his head? Yeah, that would taste like a cheeky little... A cheeky monkey. What my brother wants to get. A cheeky monk. A cheeky monk. With the Franciscans, Frank, um, what came first?

The haircut or the, um, pledging themselves to the religious order? Oh, I think that was all part of the pledge that they'd be recognised in the community, I think, was the idea. What about the cappuccino monks? But they have chocolate on the top. But this is it. They wore a grey, pointy hood on their habit. And that's where cappuccino gets its name from.

Because it's got that pointy top on the... Shut up. That's honestly definitely true. Oh, what about the lattes? Yeah. And the vintos. Do you remember the vintos? They were a very small order in the north of England.

Yeah, I don't know. I think I had quite a large order for vinto in our house. Yeah, that's... It's never caught on, has it, the people shaving their head to make them look bald? No. You know, people shave their heads completely, but, you know, the sort of nerd look,

like Jarvis Cocker wearing glasses and a card. They never shaved their heads and, heads and constructed a comb-over. You know, they thought, let's look bald. That's like the last non-cool thing left is to look like those bald with a bit of arrow in the back. That's what I'm going to...

Shall we do it? Yeah, I'd be up for that. I'd love to start that trend. Start that trend so people shave their heads to look like Philip Larkin. I'd be well up for that. Yeah, let's do it. You go first.

All right. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still in email corner. Let's move on to Wilco's correspondence. Oh, OK. Wilco. Having been on the beach for the day, I like that he dispenses with the high frank.

He goes straight in. I like that. I get so annoyed on telly when somebody comes on and says, Oh, are you? Oh, I'm all right. How are you? I think, why are you doing this bit? Oh, lovely to be here. It's just dead air. Carry on. Well, I think he's gone a bit Fifty Shades of Grey. There's no pleasantries here.

Okay. He's straight in. Having been on the beach for the day, I returned to the car only to find I'd lost the keys. Oh. Having spent 20 minutes, he likes the word having, vainly searching the huge expanse of sand, my then-girlfriend... Oh. ..offered up a prayer to St Anthony,

turned round on the spot three times, and within three... and within seconds, I'm sorry, located the keys a few metres away. Fantastic. So what's the deal with St Anthony? Conclusive proof. Oh. Conclusive proof. Solusive proof so you say

this sounds like witchcraft it does this is one of the few anecdotes when i've heard someone say so she turned around and said blah blah blah she actually did literally turn around um you like this saint anthony is i was talking talking about I lost my keys to the back door. I couldn't shut the back door. Tell me about it. And I said a friend of mine always prays to St Anthony if he loses anything. Oh, yeah.

Because he's the patron saint of lost things. And so this person has picked up on that. Does he do careers? I genuinely find it troubling that this person can turn around three times, pray to St Anthony, and then is allowed to drive a motorised vehicle. That's ridiculous. Surely.

Because they're believing in fairies, finding their keys for them, and then they can operate heavy machinery. Unbelievable. He won't like this. I'm not expecting him to like it. But, you know, it is my thoughts on it. Those who dance are thought mad by those who cannot hear the music. Have you seen Frank dancing?

Yeah. Seems I can't hear the music either. So what was it? Is that the whole... That's the email, yeah, from Wilco. We've also had 623... Is it possible that she sneaked in a metal detector? Maybe.

Now you're talking my language. Yes, it is possible, but I find it extraordinary that you're the one... Yeah, yeah, I like it. ...doubting Thomas over there. Yeah, you're right. Sorry, I've let the whole side down. My work here is done. Well, it will be if you carry on like this.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I went a bit Jeff Stelly. If you're bored, you go, ah, ah, in the middle of a sentence.

I tell you, you might be emailing us. Oh, yeah. The Queen. Girlfriend's got Facebooked up. What? Did you read that? The Royals are on social media now. Oh, yeah. The Queen. Girlfriend's got Facebooked up. What? Did you read that? The royals are on, um, social media now. Oh, God. This makes sense. Queen's on Facebook. Well, I say the Queen, it's Prince Andrew, who, um, he's been... Took a photo of the Queen. Yeah. And himself. And his self. Well, I'd say, I would say a big thank you, first

of all. I'd completely forgot that Prince Edward existed. What about Alice Beer? Oh, yeah. I thought she existed. He's forgotten about her as well. Yeah. When did he take these photos? Eight years ago.

I don't know. Eight years ago. It was like 1996 all over again. I never posted these. All they needed was you and David Baddiel to turn up. Well, now. Tony Hadley was there. Tony Hadley?

Yeah, haven't seen him since the Sonys, when he ate my dinner. He ate your dinner? Yeah, two dinners, hadn't he? Tony Hadley ate my dinner. Do you know what? I've realised the thing about myself this week. Somebody was talking about their appetite

and how much they'd eaten, and it made me genuinely happy. And this is a very strange, specific thing about me, that I somehow get, get like endorphins released when I hear about people's appetites being big. Why is that? But the fact that Tony Hadley ate two dinners just has made me feel genuinely joyous.

You said you're leaving that, Em. I said, er, and I didn't have a chance to properly respond and it was down. Down, yeah. Oh, brilliant. He said, if you leave it any longer, it'll get cold. Always. So, um, brilliant. He said, if you leave it any longer, it'll get cold! Always. So, yes.

But Pridden said, I honestly had forgotten. What does he... How did he get the job of being the royal, doesn't have to go anywhere or do anything? That's a good gig, actually, isn't it? He used to work for the, ironically enough, the really useful theatre group, didn't he? That's taking a mic group, didn't he?

That's taking a mickey, wasn't it? I bet you that Dewey was introduced to the Queen and she had no idea who he was. He said, hello, Mummy. What did you call me? Countess of Wessex, as I believe they're known, those two. Imagine that, the Queen. Who are you? She had on a VB. The Countess of Wessex. Victoria Beckham dress, 2000.

Not one of my favourites from the collection, I won't lie. Is that right? She had on a VB? Yeah, she had on a VB. She had a VB LBD. That's what it was. They talked about her understated curves. I like that, that's what they call it. Am I right in saying that Wessex is a fictional... I thought it was Thomas Hardy, wasn't it?

I think it did exist, didn't it? Yeah. It's like an Anglo-Saxon thing. Yeah. But it doesn't exist now. It was in Thomas Hardy, you're right. I did enjoy the Daily Mail commenter that had put, it's spelt Esse essex somewhat misunderstanding the point

it's not spelled wessex it's essex they thought it was a typo in the story well it it's like being the duke of atlantis isn't it why not that's a mini series i'd watch but how did they get how did they get to be the countess of something that doesn't exist? Well. Someone will know. I don't know. Anyone out there.

Is that today's texting? Yes. It's taken us a while to stumble on one, but it's a good one. Sophie Wessig, as they call her. I love that as well, she became Sophie Wessig. When they sign off. Introduce her to the Queen and she said, oh yes, Sophie Wessings. Hold me close, don't let me go. He was on this show once.

Mummy, it's my wife. Who are you? I'll ask you again. Who are you? You know they sign off their pictures with their initials. Who? The Royals. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, you know like when Ant and Dec, because they have an official Twitter account, for example.

Ant and Dec? Social media. Yes, and they share. It's called at Ant and Dec, because they have an official Twitter account, for example. Ant and Dec? Social media. Yes, and they share. It's called at Ant and Dec or something. I've been really stalling on joining the social media, but now, that might be the clincher. I might join now. Do you know what, darling? I think that ship has sailed, if you don't mind me saying. Oh, really? Yeah. I think you've left it too late

now. You can't join now because you don't have enough followers. I thought you meant Ant and Dec. But you haven't got enough followers, that's the trouble. That's fine. You'd have a three-day period where you'd only have enough followers, that's the trouble. That's fine. You'd have a three-day period where you'd only have like a thousand. I'd be all right with 12. 12 followers would do me. Would work for Jesus.

Exactly, yeah. That's what I was referring to. Was it? Oh, yeah. I'm making a lot of religious references today. Sorry. Well, there was an email about St Anthony. I like the fact that

He'd put AY at the end The Duke of York He put a family photo before we joined Andrew York At the end of the thing It just said AY, but I thought it was a bit like Ali G, that he'd finished his text And he was putting I

I just thought it was him being a bit Word up It's a different world And I like the fact that they posted a photo of the Queen From her private apartments On Facebook They're not anymore are they They're pretty public apartments now

Everyone's seen the decor The party was in her private apartment Yeah they had one of those Facebook parties They invited everyone and loads of people turned up Was Zoella there Frank What about relationship status? Duke of Edinburgh?

It's complicated. It's complicated. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Now, you know we've been talking about this St Anthony character? Yes. And the keys or whatever. 999 says, Hi all all call me a cynic but do you think the girlfriend who found close quotes the keys after doing a twirl might have had them

all along yeah well i mean what's your evidence you don't know the people you don't they don't know the situation what's your? That from a religious person? Mm-hm. Oh! I'm not claiming evidence. We've also had Neil Impenge, brackets Salford. I think he might be on the road. Neil Impenge again? Yeah, saying...

I've told you, Neil Impenge, whether you like it or not. He's saying, how good is this St Anthony at Rhodes? I'm lost and can't find Bateley. St Tom-Tom has deserted me. Frank, he's your mate. Can you ask him if it's near Salford? And are you guys broadcasting a rattling sound? Thought not.

My day's about to get worse. Oh, no. What does that mean? He's in his vehicle. There's a rattlesnake in the car. I hate it when that happens. Yeah, sounds like his turbo's on the go here. Or he's driving and, no, Mr. T's in the passenger seat.

The one thing I used to know about a car is if it sort of went, you know, fan belt. Fan belt. My one bit of male knowledge. And then I'd always think, I've got to pull over, use my stockings. Yes. Me too. Yeah. I should update you guys.

Last week we were discussing my forthcoming birthday celebrations, weren't we? Now gone. All gone. All gone. I'm a week older. My son, the day after my 40th birthday, said, Are you 41 now? Because he was 40 in one day. Oh, dear. I'm glad it doesn't work like that.

I'm glad it doesn't work like that. But... I won't have him in my life. Something has come. I'm glad it doesn't work like that. I'm glad it doesn't work like that. But... I won't have them in my life. Something has come up that has started to trouble me. You're lucky at 40. I, er... Sorry, everyone. I got given...

That's a bit Davrovian. I get it now. I got given a big... I got it then. A tome of a book from my friend Daniel. Bought me a big hardback. I know which Daniel that is, because I'm a big, a tome of a book from my friend Daniel. Bought me a big hardback. I know which Daniel that is because I'm a fan of his. And my wife bought me a paperback.

What book was it? I can't remember the title of the one Daniel got me. It's, uh... The Bible. It's by a writer that I know that I like. The Bible? No, not that one. Not that one.

And my wife bought me a paperback as well I like these are just what they're made of he doesn't know what they're called you like seven actually my wife had bought me the book I've got three books a brown one a red one ironically enough last week when we

talked about me seeing the film American Sniper she bought me the book that it's based on but weeks before I had bought I had seen the film, not knowing that, just because it's meant to be a good book. So, two more books now staring me in the face, and there's already a huge pile of books by my bed that I'm in the middle of, and previously she's bought me all of Joe Nesbo,

like some Pacey thrillers. Fifty Shades, Boles 1 through 3. But Pacey thrillers I quite like for on the road. They're good, you don't have to mentally exert. I'm probably in the middle of... There must be an American actress called Pacey Thrillers. She sounds nice. I imagine, I think you like a book with a samurai sword on the front.

Oh, that sounds good. Do you know what I mean? Probably got some of those. I've been with a McNamara. Oh, yeah. A silhouette and a samurai sword and then you're good to go. That sounds good. Do you know what I mean? Probably got some of those. I've been as a McNam-man. Oh, yeah. A silhouette and a samurai sword, and then you're good to go. Yeah, I'd have that.

But I think I might be in the middle of about 100 books. Oh, my God. If you say in the middle, do you mean 16 pages in? Yeah, yeah, I've sort of abandoned a few. A bit of paper after the first chapter. I'm not sure I'll ever go back to Cloud Atlas, the David Mitchell one. Do you know, I didn't get along with that either. Ben Ockrey, The Famished Road. I'm not going back there.

Oh, no, that's one of our favourite books in InStyle magazine. I know where that'll be. We hold that up, Frank, as our Bible in InStyle, The Famished Road. I bet you do. But I'm now having to start to prioritise books. I mean, I've got a few learned books that I need to start on, because they need to go back, don't they, at some point? In fact, I think I've got one of your books in the bit in between the bedroom and the bathroom.

I know it. What we call the vestibule. Okay. We've got, there's just one of yours. I think it's Pompeii or something, Pompeii? I didn't know he wrote that. No, not you writing it. Frankie Howard, you're thinking.

One that you've lent out. Wrong that. Oh, not you writing it. Frankie Howard, you're thinking. One that you've lent out. Wrong Frankie. Oh, no. I'm going to have to start on loaned books and then work my way through to actual books that I own. How are we going to read them all before we die? You're having a breakdown. Exactly.

How are we going to do it, Frank? No, but it's really worrying me. And I haven't even started on the periodicals. Maybe you should play a song and then I'll get to the periodicals. What are some adverts for maybe we can read during it? The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on the periodicals. Maybe you should play a song and then I'll get to the periodicals. Well, let's play some adverts and maybe we can read during it. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

I just got a text from my girlfriend. It says, I left you flowers and a card by the door and you didn't see it. Oh, isn't that lovely, though? That could be a very clever ruse, couldn't it? Are you sure it was meant for you? Oh.

You think it was the outside of the door? You think she's seen the milkman? How fabulous in 1970s. That would be a very confessions thing to do, Robin Asquith. Is she going to the door in just a negligee? I mean... To be honest, if I hadn't got you Valentine's stuff and you were leaving the house at six-something a.m.

to come to do this radio show, I would probably have sent you a text saying, I left you card and flowers by the door and you didn't see it. And then I'd barrel out to the shops to get them. No, that's exactly it. I'm wondering if that... Yeah. Says the man who won't even say happy Valentine's. No, there's no point. I'm nice to her the whole year.

That's how we work. That's what we do. I don't want to be one of those guys going, no, it's just for the card makers to make a lot of money. Just saying, I got theatre tickets, that's all. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got flowers and a card. Apparently. And then after the show, I'm going to get a car to Adrian Childs' house

so we can watch west brom west ham well that's romantic yeah is your valentine i did say she can come over for the second half she brings snacks or something she doesn't have to bring snow no it's valentine's day just bring yourself oh can you imagine agent buy you flowers or might uh happy happy Valentine's. Adrian's cooking and everything. Is he? He's having a romantic meal. He's doing a traditional South African dish. Is he? Yeah. What is that, then?

Sauteed using mash. No, it's, I'll tell you what it is. I'm sure he wouldn't mind me revealing this. He's doing babotti. How dare you? I told you to fix that. He sent me a text, you fancy Bobotti, a classic South African dish which is

a winning combination of minced lamb, spiced with an element of sweetness added by dried fruit and mango chutney. That's the sort of text I get from Adrian Child. I think it's very sweet he's gone to such an effort for you. No, it's lovely. Do you know what, you've just reminded me, I've got an Adrian Child's book on the shelf as well. Cookbook? No.

He should write a cookbook. He could write a cookbook he could write a cookbook why not everyone else seems to don't they cheese and chiles cheese and chiles yeah emily you wouldn't have that you'd say no chives no chiles no chiles i am too many books on the books front by the way when we were talking about dystopian novels... Oh! That's another thing. Calm down, dear. I found that piece of paper that, you know, I scribble sometimes during the show and I was scribbling ideas. Neville Chamberlain again.

I wondered what he did during the show. I found a bit of paper with, you know, stuff that we were talking about and, like, a little list of dystopian novels that I must read one day. Something else to read? Yeah. Well can I add another? Oh God, really? I just read Ridley Walker by Russell Hoban That's just a load of old names

I would say one of the great novels I've ever read. Really? Not only is it a brilliant novel but the bloke has invented a language to write it in. No. It's fantastic and there's a Mr. Punch element. Who's that? That's not a spoiler, because he's on the cover.

And I always used to think that I could... Because I can do that... I could maybe go into Punch and Judy work. Something to fall back on. Apparently it's been very constrained by political correctness. Only that? Yeah. Vegetarian sausages. That's the least constrained by political correctness. Only that? Yeah.

Vegetarian sausages. That's the least of it. I'll take the rest after. But the steak, the steak, the wife, the baby in the frying pan, that's all gone. Yeah. Like the tone of regret. Tough times. Tough times for the Punch and Judy wannabe.

It is tough. They're up against it. So, you know what they say? You can take the animals out of the circus and it'll be rubbish. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I ask Ox a question? You can, Ox.

How many pages into a book, a new book, are you allowed to abandon it? I mean, if you use a bad relationship guide. I have... Give it a month. Some people say you should finish every book you start, even if you're not enjoying it. I don't agree with that.

That's a terrible idea. Really bad. Samuel Johnson, the 18th century writer, said that that would be like every person you meet you have to stay friends with. Is that true? That's a good point. Yeah, which, that would be terrible.

Yes, that's a good point. And it's like reading new books is a bit like making new friends. I've got enough. I think if you are... I once spoke to someone who did like a big book award judging thing and she said that they sort of... They read 50 pages. And if they thought if a book hasn't got you in 50 pages,

they're not going to get you. And I think 50's liberal. Yeah. I'm having a lovely time with Rob Lowe at the moment. I tell you what I do. Very good writers, autobiography. Yeah, I'm reading his autobiography. It's very good.

That sounds good, yeah. Did he write Good Will Hunting? No. Okay. I tend to judge them mainly by their coffers. Yes, people say you shouldn't do that. Yeah. But it's not a bad system.

No, exactly. It tells you quite a lot about the book, often. Yeah. But you read magazines too, don't you? So how do you find the time? Yes, can I recommend the tablet, the Roman Catholic Weekly? Not for me. He says, putting Closer and Chat in his bag every week.

Yes. To Frank. Yeah. Yeah. Well, actually, I've been picking up a free mojo or a queue from here, because they're just around. I should explain, we're owned by a major magazine publisher, so we get some free magazines.

I think I'm going to have to stop doing that, because I've also got subscriptions to The Week, which is like a weekly round of the news. Can you not mention magazines that aren't published by... I'm afraid I'll have to. Men's Health. Men's Health, which my wife... He round of the news. Can you not mention magazines that aren't published? I'm afraid I'll have to. Men's Health. Men's Health, which my wife... He just wants freebies!

My wife subscribed me to Men's Health. You're very Men's Health. And then when it arrives... Your wife subscribed you to Men's Health? She subscribed me to it. What a slap in the face that is. Even worse... I'm glad that sentence ended that way.

When it arrives and I read it, she then takes the mic out of me for being the kind of guy that reads Men's Health. I'm thinking, well, you got me it. It's a trap. Yeah, it's a trap. Paleo Monthly. Philosophy Now, she's subscribed me to as a gift, which I think will be nice.

That's good. I've subscribed Kath to Charlie Booken's Football Monthly. Nice. And my mum's signed me up for Motorcycle News as well. I've just got too many things to read. Get that here. That's one of ours. No, it's stopped. They've stopped putting it out and I've got it as many things to read. Get out of here. That's one of ours. No, it's stopped.

They've stopped putting it out and I've got it as a gift. I'll tell you what you like. Kung Fu Teens. You know what I'm going to stop doing? I'm just going to stop reading anything. I'm going to stop reading stuff that isn't books and magazines like road signs or ingredients lists or recipes or labels. I'm just going to cut out all reading except books and magazines.

That's the only way to deal with this. I've had that Donner tart in my bag for about six months. Must have gone off. It's a draw. It's a tie. It's a handshake. We'll leave it there. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I also should very quickly tell you that I received a wristwatch for my birthday from my mum, so I'd like to thank her. Oh, that's what you got from your mum. But it's, you know, last week we were talking about our thin wrists. I see it again. Because I'm embarrassed. I saw it earlier, Alan, and what did I say?

I said, it's not that bad, really. Yeah, which I find offensive, because I like it. I see it again. Because I'm embarrassed. I saw it earlier, Alan, and what did I say? I said, it's not that bad, really. Yeah, which I find offensive, because I like it. I like it. It is chunky, though. It's a man's watch. It's quite an action man watch. I don't mind it at all. I mean, it's got a compass in it.

I don't think I'll ever use that. I've got sat-nav. But, yeah, it's quite chunky. And, you know, you said that some links had been taken out of one that you were wearing for a television job. Yes. I went to get this adjusted, because when I first opened it, I mean, I think I could have put it on my thigh,

and it still would have slid off. It would not be all right for Lent. Yeah, I don't get that. It's like a, you know, there's Selyse at the... No. Have you seen the Da Vinci card? No. Tough room, darling.

Yeah. Selyse to my worries. Very good. It's like a barbed wire garter. Oh, okay. That people wear to remind them that the physical body is not the most important thing. Well, anyway, I took it to the shop to get some links out. Oh, yeah?

And the guy took them out one at a time. Came back, still baggy. Went back in. Oh, no. Came back, still baggy. How embarrassing. I thought I was going to be there for the whole afternoon. Three links he took out in order to put it on my wrist.

My tiny, puny wrist. You must have been praying for a bit of water retention. Well, that's what I'm using men's health for, to try and bulk up my forearms. So I end up with skinny wrists and huge forearms. It looks like it fits very snug fit now. It fits now, but I still feel like the rest of my arms should be bigger to sort of make it seem less

chunky. Someone bought me, you know when you see an old war veteran with a line of medals, big line of medals on his chest, unlike a bar. They bought me a set of, you know those nurses upside down watches? Oh yeah. Set of those on a bar with the times of all

the major capitals. Oh, that's good. That's useful for you. That's nice. So, I don't, I mean, I, you know, I don't wear it for work. That's why I haven't got it on now, but if I'm going to an event, I'll wear it. An event? When are you going to an event? Well, I'm going to the opening

night of Sweeney Todd. Oh, right. You could wear it for travel. You could. Yeah, when I'm off to do my research in my novel in Pompeii. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about just now? We discovered what all women want?

Which is Daisy raised the subject of, she said, what about when men take their T-shirt off by yanking it from behind, basically? Yeah, so you put your hand over your shoulder, grab your T-shirt, and with one hand... Over your head. And then pull it off. Yeah.

I think Nadal was... All the tennis players do it. Daisy said, do you like it? I said, do do i like it i came over quite peculiar yeah um the name of the runner frank attempted to do it and it was awful i can't believe you said that no i can't i can't either um i don't know where to look goodbye everyone even on radio i don't know where to find attempted to do it and i wept tears of pathos yes i couldn't get my arm was. Frank attempted to do it, and I wept tears of pathos. Yes, I couldn't get my arm anywhere near far enough. You couldn't physically do it.

I barely got past my hair. I'll tell you what, it's amazing, though. See, they can talk like this, but we can't talk like this anymore. If I said, oh, that moment when you give a woman a bit of a hug and you feel a bit of buckling at the back. I think you should stop there. I think you should stop there. If I said that, they'll be regarded as...

I'm going to be requesting that this weekend. Lecce. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough being a man in the modern era. Lecce Valesca. Cafe con lecce.

Thank you very much. I don't mind if I do. I don't know what it means, but it sounds good. No, I've not understood anything for it. Coffee with milk. Oh, nice. I believe, yeah. I'll tell you what excited me this week, big time,

is when I replied to Adrian Charles' text, I wrote manana. Oh, yeah. Which means tomorrow. And I don't know if you've ever done that on a text. Did you do a kiss? No, but if you do... I didn't. If you do...

If you do... It was earlier. I wasn't sure he'd have cleaned his teeth. But I sent manana, and if you do manana on a text, try it. Oh, does it give you the little thing? It gives you the little thing on the top, the little squiggle. It's not on a mat, is it?

It's a squiggle, it's called, I think. They call it a squiggle. That's what they call it. Le squiggle. Did it be called an accent? El squiggle, I think they call it in Spain. Were you excited? I would have loved that. I love it.

Sometimes I send manana, even if I'm not seeing people the next day. Oh, I'd recommend that. So thank you very much for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. And so... Manana. Yeah.

Get out.