The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - The Good Old Days

Episode Date: July 9, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by The Cockerel and Divine Miss Em. The team talk Wimbledon and things we take home for our friends and family. They also discuss Nigel Farage's shoes and Frank asks the readers for some advice on neighbour etiquette.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I'm on Absolute Radio. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Do one or all of those things if you like, but we'd love to hear from you. Morning. Hi Frank. I enjoyed however. Yes. I enjoyed your early however. things if you like but we'd love to hear from you but that for a bit of morning hi frank i enjoyed however yes i enjoyed your early however it's good to have her i like her however now and again one of my favorites i've heard one of my favorite sentence starts yeah what's your favorite sentence starter 8 12 15 so Ha ha ha. So, um, so I went to, um,

Wimbledon. Yes, I went to the All England Tennis Club at Wimbledon. With Emily Dean. Oh, get her as well. Well, he was my plus one, weren't you, Frank? I was, yeah. It was all Emily's contacts. You know Emily's contacts. Oh, yes. So we went with, um, with Jaguar. That's who we went with.

They were lovely. We were Jag-hags for the day. Speak for yourself. It was They looked after us. Oh, nice. What about this? It's like sponsors. What about this? No, we weren't paid. No. More's the pity.

I thought there was going to be, I thought we'd get some car keys in the goody bag. Didn't happen. What they should have done is put car keys in the bag, get you all excited, and then so, just in case you ever need any car keys, for a pretend, for a sketch. Yeah.

Maybe get a party started. Or they could open out and have jelly beans in. Yeah, jelly beans. One of the things they had in the Jaguar suite was jelly beans in purple, green and white. Right. Which is like the Wimbledon colours. The lawn tennis colours.

I've never seen Frank so excited. That, to me, was one of the big things of the day. Well, he likes a freebie. And the fact there was a phone charger in the goodie bag, I mean, that stinker head. So you got excited at the... He said to the man at Jaguar, he said, I'm so excited by the presence of a phone charger,

I might even buy a car just on the strength of this. I've long dreamt of a man arriving with a white charger. Yeah. And it finally happened. So we got a little bit late, Al, and Annabelle Croft was giving a talk, wasn't she? Remember Annabelle Croft? Remember her? Yeah.

Absolutely beautiful. She looked stunning. 71. She's not, thanks. No, she's not 71. But I bet she's still beautiful when she's 71. Yeah, 15 years old. How many of us can say that?

Nobody, apparently. No, not in this room. In case you're wondering, there was no raised hands. Well, there was a raised hand yesterday because they said I take that back has anyone got any questions when Annabelle Croft was giving the talk to us and I was a bit worried because I think

whenever you say that and then everyone's silent so as a performer I think Frank should sympathise with this so I said Frank ask a question how many people were in the room at this point i thought there was me um anthony joshua you don't have to name okay but i will i mean are we talking 10 or 20. oh no probably what 35. oh okay oh not that many okay i don't want to fall out with you over it so anyway i was inspired by my son who always asked the question, I noticed,

wherever we go anywhere. We went to the Penguins at, I think it might have been the Cotswolds Wildlife Park, and somebody said, have you got any questions? And he was tiny then. He put his hand up and said, where do they sleep? Which I thought was a brilliant question. You didn't ask Annabelle Croft where she sleeps, did you?

No, I asked where the players, that big, where do the players sleep? Yeah. What about when someone asked you that in the 80s? We all know the answers to that. Yeah, exactly, the grass verge. So, no, she was talking about the fact that when one of Andy Murray's great gifts is his return of serve. And it's to do with his split split step i think she called it do you

know what that is um i kind of yeah i won't press you on it i can sense an embarrassment so um i asked her to demonstrate he said he said excuse me could you demonstrate the split step i nearly died it was it wasn't there was nothing cynical about it i actually didn't know what she was talking about. It was a bit Tory MP. So she did one in heels as well. Brilliant. Respect. All the men thanked me. They said, can you thank Frank for asking that question?

I didn't like that. You think that was wrong? Cheesy. Okay. But she actually said lots of really interesting stuff about tennis that I've never even thought about. I mean, I did. I was under the impression it was all about getting over the net turns out there's a lot more to it than that some of the stuff about what she'll be doing is trying to return and send it up high to the left because it's difficult for someone who does a single-handed backhand i mean it was proper

because it's difficult for someone who does a single-handed backhand. I mean, it was proper. Well, I like that, but I also did like the beef going on with Kim and one of the other wives, but that's another story. What was that? Oh, you know, the one he was playing yesterday, Andy Murray. Burdick? Yeah, Burdick. Not that I've seen it, I've just heard that.

Oh, Frank, what about the honorary steward? I will come to the honorary steward in a minute. It was a special day. I probably went in on the way home. Yeah, wasn't bad. Lovely nibbles. But what do you expect in this cold?

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were spotted by people yesterday. Big Dog says, I saw you pair on the telly at Wimbledon. I was so chuffed. Big Dog? Is that the one from Ant and Bee? Possibly, yeah.

It's Kind Dog. No, it's probably a different dog. We've had a... Oh, that was spotted on the telly. Yeah, and someone else said, from the slums of Bristol, Frank. After seeing you on the telly. Yeah, and someone else said, from the slums of Bristol, Frank. After seeing you on the telly. I should explain, that's every time Cary Grant appeared on the American,

well, he wasn't American, but the big Hollywood actor, Cary Grant. My dad would say, from the slums of Bristol, Cary Grant. And that's obviously a reference to the fact that I've come from... You've come so far now. I've come so far.

Look at me at Wimbledon now with Wimbledon-coloured jelly beans. Yes, I've changed, but you know what? Oh, but it was all so simple then Life has treated it on every line I don't know how it went French on it. Never heard it by a French person. We sat next to... You never know what's inside you, do you?

Speak for yourself. We made some lovely new friends. We got friends with Anthony Joshua. I call him AJ now. He's a boxer. Oh, the boxer, of course. He's nice, Frank. Very nice.

I got mentionitis. I kept going on about him. Did you? Yeah. Well, he's quite something to look at, isn't he? Oh, he's... People look longingly at him. Did you? Yeah. Well, he's quite something to look at, isn't he? Oh, he's... People look longingly at him. Do they?

I didn't. Well, no, I thought we developed a nice relationship. Okay, I did. Shut up about it! What's extraordinary? Yeah, but, you know, if you spend your whole life to physical perfection, you know, working on physical, which I i don't i'll be straight with you you don't is that the response you look pretty good on it considering considering my age i think i look even better now i'm wearing the cockerels um you put

the cockerels hoodie on the cockerels hoodie i'm wearing a scarlet hoodie you got cold I got warm it's lovely I got cold and it was like um it was like something from the the good samaritan yeah and and the cockerel said do you want to borrow my hoodie it was lovely but it was like an updated version they'd have in in the new york sort of fringe production exactly where they'd hand over the hoodie yeah like like those shakespeares when they're all in the army, the modern army. Oh, Ian McKellen playing Coriolanus in a grandad shirt and jeans. Oh, Coriolanus. Frank, what about when we got friendly...

I used German name. Oh, yes, you did. We had a lovely Absolute Radio moment, Al. When? We were watching the tennis with... Frank made some lovely new friends, Example and Serge from Kasabian. He's not an example, we mean example, you know.

Right, yeah. Yeah. And at one point I found myself saying... Who can I say whose uncle is Tony Grealish, the former West Brom star. Is that right? Yeah, that's how I get impressed by people. Less impressed by Example himself. Well, that's how I get impressed by people. Less impressed by example himself.

Well, I know he's a lovely chap. He's not. At one point I found myself saying, Sour Worm, Serge. Did you? Oh, in the suites. Yeah, I gave him a suite. Then we met a character, didn't we, Frank?

We didn't meet him, but... No, there was a man there. I'm not aware that this is a phenomenon. He was an old man, very smartly dressed, looked like he might be ex-military. Right. Blazer, you know. And he'd got the Wimbledon umbrella wrapped up, and he had an armband on. And he was a man who, how can I put it, looked at home in an armband.

Right. And it said, Honorary Steward. Oh, yeah. Now, I've got an honorary doctorate of course you do and i think the thing about an honorary doctorate is that you're bestowing a tremendous honor on someone and you're saying i know you haven't worked for this but we're saying it as a where has it been a steward i'm all i mean don't they do a great job

the stewards I'm sure they save lives ultimately but to be an honorary I mean are you going to be a steward are you going to help me or are you an honorary does that mean you're not and he was sort of stewarding but in a part time kind of a way

so he was sitting watching the match and then he'd suddenly tell somebody to sit down or something like that. But I mean, I do that at the cricket. Yes, but he did it in a very officious way, didn't he? One of the great joys of being a cricket match is if someone gets up to go, sit down! I mean, that is... Yeah.

Yeah. He said, sit down, sir. I didn't realise. You know when people say, sir, and it's quite menacing? Yeah. He said, sit down, sir. He did't realise. You know when people say, sir, and it's quite menacing? Yeah. He said, sit down, sir. He did quite a lot of that totting. If people called out, you know, anything.

He was more of an ornery steward. Right. To use the American terminology. He was terrifying. But if anyone knows... I watched him more than I watched Federer or Murray. I was obsessed by the honorary steward. It was all about the honorary steward yesterday for me.

He looked like a man who, like I say, he had a military bearing, as they used to call it. And I think, my guess is, he's been with the All England Tennis Club for a long time. And it's a way of sort of giving him a free seat without giving him a free seat if you know what I mean. Gotcha. But if anyone knows about the honorary steward

system of the All England Tennis Club It's all gone a bit John le Carré And there wasn't a sliver of high fears on him No. So he was going against all the steward traditions. I like the fact

that today you're asking the questions that you didn't dare ask them yesterday. I like that. Well there was no one to ask. I couldn't ask him. You couldn't ask him. He didn't seem approachable. You wouldn't have said to him what is an honorary steward. Or to have said honorary steward? What's that? Yeah. I think he

is the sort of man who might have had a sword stick. You know the type I mean. Yes do absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio it's something i noticed about i never really um watch tennis with great all around the trimmings when you're on telly, you just watch the actual you know, the play. Yeah. They bring a lot of stuff with them. Yeah. On court. Is there a lot of stealing in the locker room at Wimbledon? I don't know. I think there might be some gossip about that.

It's like girls on a night out when there's all their work bags and the shoes they've changed into. Reminds me of Roland Riveron told me that he was playing drums for Nina Simone once at Ronnie Scott's. And she used to bring her bag and stuff on stage in case it got stolen. And one night she had, like, four Tesco bags of grocery she brought up and had under the piano as she played.

So, you know, you can't be too careful. I think they have spares of everything, don't they? There was a story earlier in the week about one of the players only having one racket, but it was nonsense. He's got more than one racket, that particular guy. But they have lots of spare rackets, shoes. You have to bring it all with them, though. Just in case.

Well, you can leave it in the locker room. They don't trust each other and they might not have a quid. Well, I've found it. A quid for the lockers. They might not have that. I've found it. But I was interested, having read this week, about there's been a bit of a towels thing going on at Wimbledon,

hasn't there, with players nicking towels, apparently. Towelgate, yeah. Yeah, but we saw Andrew Murray. I'd say he took about six, Frank. No. Well, then... To be fair, he threw a couple into the... A couple.

Into the crowd. He threw a couple into the crowd. That's a profit of four by my rudimentary maths. Yeah. I don't know if he had six. I just think that he's sweated into... He changed a tune. Well, he's sweated into these towels.

Yeah. He probably thinks... A little. You know, are they going to wash them and then somebody's next person that comes and says, oh, these towels, they're never the same, are they, when they're not box fresh? Yeah. Tennis players love it brand new. I mean, what else are the balls at...

I think... I think they're given to, like, London schools or something. Yeah. I think there's a thing. There should be a thing, shouldn't there? I hope there's a charity thing with the balls. If you think how many they get through. Maybe those ball pits in the early learning centres

and the soft plays. Yeah, a real tennis ball. That's what they should have, a big all-England... They should have an adult ball pool full of tennis balls. If they had a soft play centre for the elderly at Wimbledon, everything would be fun. That's a nice idea. The honorary steward could have a nice little wrestle in there.

Or he could police the gaff. This thing of putting kids in soft play centres, it should be pensioners that get the soft play. Because they, you know, they bruise up so easily. I mean, you've all seen the purple pensioners in the newspaper. Hank! Hank! No, but they, a soft play centre in the newspaper. Hank. Hank.

No, but a soft-ply centre for the elderly. Goodness sake. Yeah, I agree. It's a great idea. Why should the kids do it? And drunks as well. The times I've got home drunk the next morning covered in bruises and stuff.

If you was allowed to drink... Was this recently? No, in the old days. But if you could drink in a soft-ply centre... That would be good. Absolutely perfect. Yeah, make a note of that. I think this is your best idea since you invented Gap, the clothes shop.

Why have anything other than soft things? Yeah, just get rid of all hard things. Yeah, I mean... Play a song. Yeah, corners on tables. What's that? It's just asking for trouble, however old you are. No corners.

Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. They did say in that article that the tennis players are requesting towels to take home with them, didn't they? Like they're taking them home from work, really, aren't they? That is essentially what's happening. They said Serena Williams is a legend.

Well, she is a legend, but she's also a towel-based legend. When it comes to stealing towels. Is it stealing? Borrowing. Taking home with. Let's not say stealing on the radio, just in case. Yeah, she's already threatened to sue one person. There's been a bit of that, hasn't there? They're worth £29. stealing on the radio, just in case. Yeah, she's already threatened to sue one person this week. There's been a bit of that, hasn't there?

They're worth £29, which Frank was pointing out to everyone yesterday. Well, £29 in the club shop, and Andy Murray threw I think two into the crowd as he left. I mean, if he'd have just rolled up three tenors, I don't mean Carreras and Placido Dominguez, if he'd have just rolled up three teners, I don't mean Carreras and Placido de Mink,

if he'd have rolled up three ten-pound notes and chucked them to one person, another three to someone else, you'd have thought that was poor play, I think. Right. But the towels, they're lovely. I must admit, I'm somewhat distracted by the return of a three teners joke. I know, it's extraordinary. It's been a while.

Football's coming home. It's taking me back. Three tenants. None of them are any longer with us. They have a lot of showers. Yeah, Placido Domingo's still around. Oh, thank goodness for that. I think he's switched to baritone.

But the thing about these towels is they're highly impractical. I mean, they're not going highly impractical. Are they? I mean, they're not going to cover my areas. Are they little? Little? They're not little, are they? They're tiny.

I assume they're like a big beach towel. No. I assume you're talking... What bigger towel do you use? Well, you want to come round. That's this morning's big question. I want a towel that's going to cover sort of my trunk area. Right.

People listening to you on the radio might not know about the trunk. It's something we've never really mentioned. Would you like to demonstrate it for us? There you go. I mean, it works. We often go down. Me and Al sit in the pool downstairs. And Emily squirts our backs.

It's good, that, isn't it? It is good. I would say it would barely cover the junk in the trunk. I mean, there's really... Did you not see how small they were, the towels? Well, that might explain why Serena is stealing this. Well, quite. Quite. I don't know. Do they have lots of showers?

Do they arrive and have a shower and go off and have a shower? I think so, yeah. Also, they'd be getting a lot of massages as well, wouldn't they, in between playing, so they'd probably... Filthy creeps. They're probably quite often oily. What can I offer one of them? They weren't that oily

It's about one o'clock Very good What's the most showers you've ever had in a day? Three You've had three in a day? On holiday, yeah I think I've had a three What about you, Frank?

Two absolute tops I might have even gone four some holidays Depending on what's happened Absolute tops is what me and Alan Co depending on what's happened. Absolute tops is what me and Alan Cochran are playing this morning. Absolute tops. No, more than two in. Oh, that dries your skin out.

I've got lovely soft skin, actually. I've had two in, and that was a day. I've actually had comments on how soft my skin is. Have you really? Yes. Not from me, madam. Let's make that clear. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I was at someone's house recently,

and I went in their bathroom, and they'd got a paper, a big paper towel thing. Oh. You know, like a kitchen roll. They had that for... For toilet paper? No, not for toilet paper, instead of towels. Was it dark blue?

Did this person have a public house as well? No, no, it was kitchen roll. Really? But it struck me. It's not a bad idea. You have a shower or a bath and then you dry yourself on kitchen towel. What's this person?

You never have to wash it again. You don't have to, you know, it's... All the germs have gone. And it can provide you with a little fun challenge for the rest of the day as you pick bits of moist kitchen roll off you as you go about your day. I find there is enough sturdiness in kitchen roll that that doesn't happen.

I mean, we've all, you know, dried ourselves after a show with toilet paper. That does stick. Sorry, has anyone in this room done that, let alone the nation? I haven't. I haven't. You two girls? Have you never been to the baths? No, not one person.

You've never been to the baths and thought, oh, I haven't brought my towel, and then gone into the cubicle and just used? No. You know, if I did that, I would just put my clothes on, wet. Really? Yeah, I'd just put my clothes on me, because guess what they're trying. I'd send a courier over to a retailer and get a towel biked over to me. Or maybe what I would do is use my...

I'd cover over half, I'd call half a dozen schoolboys over and say, you know when they used to carry... Can't do that in this situation. You know when... So would I, but I'm not going to talk about that. You know when they used to... And I'd say, look, you remember when they used to... Men, dancers, used to carry Shirley Bassey on, lying flat across their arms?

Oh, yeah, like the bridal photo, Frank, at the end. Can you hold me like that underneath the hand dryer? And slowly, slowly rotate me. And there's a fiver in it each for you. A fiver in what, they'd say? They'd say what? They'd say a fiver in what? Don't ask him to repeat it.

A fiver in what? Please don't ask him to say it a third time. I was horrified the first. You're not getting it. I got it too much. Leave it. I'm sorry, I'm not the man I was. It was fine work. It was fine work.

Don't get me wrong. But it was absolute filth. I was thinking about that because there was a lot of veterans playing at Wimbledon yesterday. Oh, yeah. How dare you? Are they going to have a cricket?

Sorry, a comedy veterans. Wouldn't that be a nice idea? Nights for, you know, the slightly older and slower comics. I'm just planning. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I'm sometimes

guilty of a bit of help myself. I occasionally check out of hotels and forget to take, you know, the plastic key card thing. Oh, I've got a lot of those. Yeah, well... Oh, yes've got a lot of those. Yeah, well... Oh, yes, I hang on to those. Top tip, my kids consider them to be treasured items.

They're like toys to them. Really? If I go, I've got one of these for you, and they're like, brilliant, a travel lodge card or whatever, whatever one it is that I've forgotten to... Do you think you should be spending more on them at Christmas? I think I should be spending less on them at Christmas. Just give them a load of hotel cards. I use it. The grand old tradition of scraping ice off the windscreen.

Oh, that's a good one. There's not enough ice for that, Lewis, these days. No, but I do have a couple of hotel keys in the glove compartment. I have some keys, though. The kind of hotels I stay in, you get the real key. proper metal keys i've got quite a lot i'm like jacob marley jangling around i love it yes

they're not you now they really miss those you're not supposed to take those away oh you know what they'll get over it uh can i tell you frank what i steal yeah i'm saying i'm going steel i'm not saying help myself to no euphemisms with me I take in Pret-a-Manger or any other takeaways these salt and pepper sachets near the door because I love a salt and pepper

you can actually get a whole grinder's work I don't do it intentionally but I start putting them in my bag I save them before you know it you've got loads why not? I take tea and coffee sachets for my wife for camping But I start putting them in my bag, I save them, before you know it, you've got loads. Why not? Why not, indeed. I take tea and coffee sachets for my wife for camping. We only go about once a year.

I don't know why I'm taking them when I'm going to places, but I just help myself. I take shower caps for my girlfriend. Do you really? Yeah. I always take the shower cap. I once, there were so many shower caps, I ate cornflakes out of one.

Just to see. It's just an idea. And I put the cornflakes into a shower cap and put the milk in. It worked absolutely fine. It should, shouldn't it? If it doesn't let water in one way, it should keep the milk in the other. And I thought, why do we even have bowls?

Because you can't serve people soup in shower caps at a dinner party. I don't know about a hot liquid, how that would have gone, but a breakfast shower cap set-up. You are painting a beautiful morning, by the way, completely drying yourself with tissue paper. She's a lucky woman. No clutter in our house, you see, that would be. No towels lying around, no bowls.

Nothing. You get the last of the milk out of the shower cap, straight in the bin. Come on! Do you both always steal the toiletries? I used to, but now I take some that I like better. I'll get you. I've grown out of that.

I take the... Kath likes some of the shampoos and stuff, so I take that. If it's a good make, I'll take that. Oh, yeah, if it's a decent make. Oh, I take a good shampoo. I've been known to take an adapter. I always take a... Oh, no. I'll take a sewing kit.

Take a sewing kit. I'll always take a sewing kit. Did you hear the judgment that came out in both of them? I still think the magazines are for taking if you're on a suite. No, I'm not sure about that. But I've never taken a towel in my life. No, me neither. That's a step too far. I'll bet the umpires

have the chair. Wow, the 17th seat at Wimbledon. Where could you use the chair? At home. At home? What, sitting at the table? Fishing chips with the family. Can you pass the vinegar up? Yeah, you're slightly crouched because your ceiling is pressing down on the back of your neck. It could be a nightmare.

I'm going to need to change a light bulb in the living room. What about sitting in the garden in the nice weather? All right, neighbours, how are you doing? Nice to see you. I bet they've all got one of them. That Mrs Harris at number 37, who likes to sound about topless, ruined her summer, her whole summer ruined.

As for the sewing kit, whose face is that on the needle threader? Oh, yes. You know, there's a sort of a Greek... I'll tell you what it is. I believe it used to be called a cameo. I think it was a sort of Greek god type head. That'd be good if our readers knew that. If anyone knows.

We'd love to know. Is it quite obscure today, Frank? Whose head is on the needle threader in sewing kits at 8.12.15? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215,

follow the show at Frank on the Radio. That's a sort of Twitter thing. And you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. And we've had some communiques, haven't we, Al? We sure have. We should tie up a few of them. Loose ends? Over an hour.

No, it's about an hour. You said your favourite sentence opener, or one of your favourite sentence openers, was however. Yes. Clint from Crawley has texted, my favourite sentence opener is, he turned around and said, have you ever actually seen anybody do that?

I think that may be a regular listener there. Yes. Nice work. I'm sure there are. Sometimes very irate cab drivers will give up that thing of looking in the because I never look at the rear view mirror when I'm talking to a cab driver.

I also look at the side of their ear. They must love that. No but they see me but they think well he's looking at me into a cab driver. I also cut the side of their ear. Do you? They must love that. No, but they see me, but they think, well, he's looking at me at least. But I don't like looking at them in the... In the mirror?

It's like being in prison and they're looking through the... Oh, I like that. ...the peephole. In fact, there's a banister in my house that I occasionally... You're joking. If someone's on the stairs... But you live in a bungalow. If someone's on the stairs,

I'll savour the chance to talk to them through the bars of the banister just for a little while. Oh, you're playing at being in prison. We do a thing called the stairs kiss, me and Buzz. Oh, nice. That's rather cute. So we'll kiss through every gap and then see how high we can get. That is nice. I'll tell you what would help for

that, an umpire's chair, just at the end as it starts to get... Great to have An umpire's chair, just at the end as it starts to get... Great to have the umpire's chair. On wheels. The stairs kiss, yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea. Or maybe some stairs at the side of the stairs. Yes. What I call the kissing stairs. Yes.

Oh, that'd be nice, wouldn't it? We've got 227 has been in touch with us. Read the needle thread of face. Oh, yes. We should explain. That's not Absolute Radio's playlist, although it wouldn't surprise me, frankly.

I should explain, because Alan didn't know what a needle threader was, so I assumed everyone did, but maybe they don't. In sewing kits, it looks a bit like a tiny silver coin with a bit on the side, and then there's, like, little wire, and you put the wire through the eye of the needle and then there's like little wire and you put the wire through the eye of the needle and put the cotton through the wire and it gives you a bigger target. More from Great British

Langby audiobook next week. And 227. But there's a face on it. Yes. And Frank was asking, who is this face? Really the needle thread of face it could be Minerva, God of Handicrafts among other things. Oh. I be minerva god of handicrafts among other things i thought minerva was a female yeah we can we can be god oh dear well it's like actor and actress

now we're allowed to be called gods you know oh you don't have goddesses anymore oh i can't keep up with the political correctness brigade. Minerva. Okay. And then David Blundell has said I think it's legendary entertainment impresario Billy Cotton. Very, very fine. Yes. Okay, well that's

a lighter string of ponds there. A string of ponds. Very good. It's not really string. Okay. string of puns there. A string of puns? Very good. Well, is that all right? It's not really string. Hmm. All right.

Okay. Yes. So, I like the sound of Minerva. I'm going to assume it's the same. I think of it as a classical face, but maybe you can get one with, say,

Mark Pugach on. That'd be good. Oh, you don't want poo pants on there. Oh, you don't want Poopants on there. Oh, you can't call him that. I just have. You can call him Poopatch. It rhymes better. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Where were we? Well, I'll tell you what we haven't discussed is Nigel. Because Nigel Farage, he stepped down this week. Oh, yes. He said, I want my life back. Yes. Which I thought was a bit of a strange thing to say.

He's not that busy, is he, Nigel? Well, also, it's a bit terrible soap line from a terrible soap. I just want my life back. It's like Howard's way. He said to his mistress, I want my life back. Do you know what I think's happened? Yeah. I think he's been heckled by somebody with a retro heckle of,

Get a life! And he's gone, Oh, yeah, I should. You know, a woman told me that. I told her off for talking in the Quiet Coach on a train. Did you? And she said, Get a life! And I said, Well, I have got a life, but I've also got manners. Told her. Do you know what? I think he's encountered

her. I like that you went a little bit camp as well. Yeah, I think it's the best thing to do, isn't it? When I was, I told you about this, when we were in deal and I said to a man, excuse me to get past, he said, excuse me, please.

What did you say? Oh, get a life. It's not amongst my best work. Why did you say that? He'd have counted for us. You're such an intelligent man with two degrees. Yes, two. And you're better than that. That's not counting the honorees.

Is it more than one honoree? Two. You've got two honorees. He's got the two honorees. Two honoree doctorates. They're like buses, aren't they? Joan Bakewell said that to me. Yes, welcome to our lives.

One minute it's Kasabian, the next it's Joan Bakewell. Amazing. She said, you know, Frank's got two degrees. That's more than me. Well, two proper degrees and then two honoraries. Two honoraries. Two honoraries. You can wear that armband, Frank.

I'm not here to brag. I remember a friend saying that to me once about, he's going out with some woman and he says she's got seven O-levels. If you've got to boast about the O-levels, there's a problem. Indeed. Get a wife. In the bedroom normally. Get a wife.

Get a wife. That's what I said. Anyway, so Nigel. I'm imagining, because Nigel is so much a man who talks about the good old days of Britain and the Empire and all that, I'm imagining he's going to retire to the Norfolk Broads. He's very Norfolk Broads, and he'll wear one of those caps, not similar to the one that David Suchet was wearing at Wimbledon yesterday.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. If it was Suchet, I wasn't certain it was Suchet. It was Suchet sushi it was 100 sushi we um i should have took a picture of him and then we could have put it up with the slogan sushi and sea and people could have decided whether they uh oh i don't think that would have yeah because a lot of people think would read it as socket yeah well oh i see anyway um but he one of the there was a uk UKIP MP that he fell out with.

Yes. Is it Douglas- Douglas Carswell. Carswell. He- He's their only- he's their only MP. Well, he posted a, uh- An emoji? Yeah, sunglasses emoji.

Yeah, like he was happy. With a smiling- yeah, to imply he was happy, which I didn't think was very sophisticated politically. Moby was just happy that Nigel had gone his life back. Yeah, he might have been pleased for Nigel. Yeah. I wonder if... Douglas Carswell. Douglas Carswell. In the age of...

You know we used to talk about nominative determinism on this show. Yes. Do you think he's a bloke who's got like a really nice car and he never has any trouble? Carswell? Because Andrea Leedsom... Wants to be leader.

Wants to... That is a bit... I bet that's not... I bet that's just her stage name. Oh, yes. Because he just puts that... Whereas, where there's some doubt about Theresa May... We're not quite sure, are we? We may not. Very good.

But Leedsom... But maybe it's just Leedsom. That's the trouble. She'll be a divisive figure. You decide. I'm speaking now to the members of the Conservative Party. Why? Well, because they will decide.

They won't be listening to us, Frank. Don't. I appeal to many. That's one of my things. I'm like a European plug adapter. OK. Frank. Frank Frank Skinner on Absolute

Radio. Absolute Radio. Was there a good old days? Well, I don't know if there actually was one. It's like this week's texting. 8, 12, 15. When I think of the good old days, I think it's always based on, like,

two minutes of black and white footage at a family sitting at Butlin's having steak and chips. And Uncle Reg swims down to one of those... You know, they used to have, like, the pool at Butlin's led into the restaurant. Oh! So you could have your dinner

and Uncle Reg would come swimming underwater and knock on the glass I think that, people think that must have been brilliant. Is that the good old days? That's one bit of footage, it wasn't like that all the time I will say this, there is black and white footage of less cheery moments isn't there? Well exactly

And even in the bottlings footage there's two seven year old kids both smoking I think Uncle Reg is smoking and he's underwater. The whole of Britain smokes. The bottlings footage. It's like the Zapruder film,

that. I honestly think that the entire Brexit campaign and the UKIP thing and everything is based on two minutes of bottlings footage of Uncle Rich coming and swimming down to the family and waving while they had steak and chips. And people thinking, why can't we have that back again?

Nigel's gonna. I worry about the clothes. I mean, people, you know... Nigel's? No, everyone had just started to get their act together sartorially with the European influence and now... It's gonna go back. Yeah. Including... If Nigel represents together sartorially with the european influence and now he's gonna go back yeah including did you see if nigel represents what the the leave voter wears i mean please he had on some union jack

brogues did you see them he was he went to evgeny lebedev he went to his party yes right new faces 1978 I can't not do a Bessie joke if it's that but he was wearing Union Jack brogues now what did you think of these I wouldn't wear I once owned a pair of Union Jack shoes that somebody

sent me but I don't think I ever wore them well Nigel had them gifted they were gifted to him somebody spent 300 quid on them. Well, Nigel had them gifted. They were gifted to him. Yeah, well, you know. He spent 300 quid on them for him. If anyone's entitled to wear them, I suppose it's Farage. I loved it in the paper where it said he managed

to wear, or he forced, he used the occasion to wear his Union Jack shoes. I'm thinking, every day is an occasion for him to wear those shoes. I like to think he's always wearing a Union Jack something. Yes. All the time. It's the white laces worried me more than the Union Jack. Oh, really?

I 100% agree with you. Should be black. You guys are so thorough about Union Jack shoes. £295. That's retail. Really? Wow. £295. I think he paid, overpaid by about £175.

Well, he got them free, so, you know. Geri Halliwell, when she wore the Union Jack dress, wore black pants, if you remember, and it seemed to really work that. If she'd worn white pants, it would have looked really naff and horrible. You remember it well, don't you? I do. I thought it represented the dark undercarriage of the Empire.

I think that was the symbolism, wasn't it? Goodness me. We've had an answer to your question, were there ever good old days? Tom has texted, based on my A-level history, no, there was no good old days. Sorted. Definitive.

Fair enough. Thank God we've sorted that out. That's what I love about our readers. They've got the answers. They answer everything. Education, haven't they, often? So, yes, we... Maybe it's time for a new flag.

Oh, do you think so? To replace the Union Jack? The Union Jack has been a bit, you know... It's fallen into bad hands. It's been slightly abused. And also, if you can... You know, it's a beginning of a sort of a new era. Post-EU.

Yes. Sort of legitimate... I mean, does it... Here's a question, a big flag question for anyone coming up with a national flag. Does it have to be rectangular? Good question. Oh, you mean we could change the shape? What are you thinking then? Hexagon? 50pp?

What I've always been really partial to is those sort of snake-tongued ones that you get at jousting tournaments. Oh! Do you know? That's one of the best ideas you've ever had. Yeah, I think you never see those really incorporated in the national flag. They're more like, you know, that's one of the best ideas you've ever had. Yeah, I think, you never see those really incorporated in the national flag. They're more like, you know, heraldic banners.

Do you know those, Frank? I'm Al, sorry, I got your name wrong. No, I've got it. I'm on it. Why couldn't we have one of those as our national flag? Easier to transport. It's a lovely idea. How is it easier to transport?

It just rolls. What's up with the current one? Yeah, but it's a lovely idea. How is it easier to transport? It just rolls. Well, so does the current one. Yeah, but it's a bigger thing. Less mass. Also, I don't know about you, but I often like to trail a national flag from the back of a small two-seater aeroplane when I'm on holiday.

Well, I like it because it makes us stand out. And post-EU, it's vive la différence. Oh, we can't say that anymore. Yes. But I like the fact that it makes us different to everyone. Yeah, exactly. That's the country with the snake tongue shaped flag. I can imagine it catching on.

It might not lend itself quite so well to shoes, but it would be good for a tie. Wouldn't it? Yeah. You could use it on a tie, just to have a little gap. And what about if the Japanese think we'll have that shape as well and then theirs would look like a lozenge on a tie just to have a little gap. And what about if the Japanese think we'll have that shape as well and then theirs would look like a lozenge on a tongue.

See, it's all worth thinking about. The thing I liked about this story for Arj's Union Jack shoes was that the photographer was Lily Allen who was also at the garden party. She did? She took a picture of... The party had Rupert Murdoch, Lily Allen, who was also at the garden party. She did? She took a picture of... The party had Rupert Murdoch, Lily Allen... Liam Fox.

Liam Fox. And I just caught myself thinking, Farage and Lily Allen were on the same guest list at a garden party. Who did that guest list? Was it somebody from the more weird end of the Graham Norton couches? She's very English, though. She weird end of the graham norton couches she's very english though she's one of the few few singers and this is much to her credit who seems to sing the way she speaks more or less yeah doesn't do the american thing i just thought they operated from quite dramatically

different bits of the media landscape i'd say i like that she tweeted that though i thought it showed a strength of character me too me too let's face it few. I thought it showed her strength of character. Me too, me too. Let's face it, few have. I thought it showed a slight lack of self-awareness. But I like that. You're saying this party's full of terrible people and you're forgetting the brackets, is the phrase, and I'm at it. Yeah, but at least she wasn't just sucking up to them.

Let's give her that. Come on, it's a woman something. I don't know if you can have... I think she had her very expensive cake at Etty a bit. I want to know who else was there. I think it's a weird guest list. Like John Prescott, Zamo from Grange Hill,

Milan Candera, Greg Rutherford. It just could be weird. Like, just proper odds. Great list. Wincy Willis? Why not? I just noticed you just went for all men. And that's what's wrong with this country. Wincy Willis? Yeah, why not? Wincy's always there. I just noticed you just went for all men. And that's what's wrong with this country. Wincy Willis.

Wincy Willis got more invites. I don't know if she'd be texting. Anyway, we've got to play some adverts. Okay. You know, I mean, that sort of pays our wages. Yeah. It's all right us saying, you know, talking about hypocrisy. I'm eating my very expensive chocolate cake and having it.

Happy birthday. Thank you. It's not till Monday, but thanks. But, you know, get it in early. It's always been my motto. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what has happened. We've had quite a lot of flag news in.

Oh, we really have. Nepal already has a non-quadrilateral flag. That's from Neil. Quadrilateral? Is that the word for... I guess four-sided. Yeah, four-sided. We had another one, Al. What is it, though? What's it got?

Nepal. What has it got? Did you hear the little stalling for time there? You said, what's it got? Does he say what shape it's got? Steve from Gateshead said it's the only flag in the world that's not rectangular.

That's what he says, but there's a mystery surrounding it. It's nice that Emily read that in that way, because it actually says, Hi Frank, Alan and Hot Emily. Isn't that? And she just deleted the praise, Hi, Frank, Alan and Hot Emily. Isn't that... And she just deleted the praise because that is the culture of this show, but I can read it. Do you know, that's the kind of person I am.

No, it isn't. So, Frank, we don't know. That's a mystery regarding the Nepalese flag. I think it must be triangular. Well, that's a shot in the dark. Could be anything. I've done it there.

It's like some old golf course. You don't want that for a national flag. Could be a dodecahedron. It could. It'd be tricky. It'd have to be like a kite. 895. 895 says it has two triangles at the side. Two triangles at the side. Doesn't make any sense. No, it doesn't, but it'd be a lovely song for you and David.

Yeah, I'd like to. I mean, I don't know if it's such an anthem, but still. I'm keen to see the Nepalese flag now. But anyway, no-one's got the snake tongue. Have we established that? Nobody seems to have the snake tongue. Phil in Newcastle has texted, Good morning, Frank.

We have a soft play where you can purchase cans of lager, beer and cider. It's called The Giant's Den near Newcastle. Spent many an hour in there, even without the kids. Even without the kids. It has a doorman on Fridays and Saturdays, it says. I'm not sure if he's pulling my leg now, do you think? No, no, no, it makes complete sense to me. It's a dangerous game, heavy drinking.

I love the idea. In a hard world, hard and brittle environment. They're not though, they're in a soft blue. No, exactly. If I've got any friends out there listening, can you just, that would be my dream, is just to have a constant soft play area wherever I go. Why don't they convert their living rooms into soft play areas?

Why don't you do that, Frank? Well, we'll sort of have done it a bit. Yeah. Brilliant. Yeah, I yeah, why don't we just, see I still am a big fan of the bean bag. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I've got three bean bags in my kitchen. Three? Yeah. In the kitchen?

Three bean bags in the kitchen, that's another one of my songs for day. Yeah, I've got one enormous bean bag and then two Kitchen? Three beanbags in a kitchen. That's another one of my songs with Dave. Yeah, I've got one enormous beanbag and then two of the smaller pepper pig-based... You often take the beanbag when guests are there in a family hold-back way, which I like. I think you have the sofa. You know what, you have the sofa, Em.

I'll go beanbag. I'm happy on the beanbag. I sat on it the other day and he said, you know, a hole had formed in the middle. It was like a doughnut. Well, do you know, that was after Adrian Childs sat on it the other day and he said, you know, a hole had formed in the middle. It was like a doughnut. Well, do you know that was after Adrian Childs was on it. I could feel the floor against my buttocks.

The filling had completely separated, like the Red Sea when the Israelites were pursued by the Egyptians. We haven't talked about Chris Evans because he walked as well. Well, we'll have to come back to

that madcap broadcaster, because I've got to play another track. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So... We're getting a lot of flag info, aren't we, Al? Are we? Oh, yeah.

Yes. 002 said, I think you'll find the Swiss flag is not rectangular either. It is a square. That's George and Bexley. Is that right? Yeah. He texts quite often with good info, George.

I didn't know that. And I've been to Switzerland. Oh, haven't we all, love? Lisa from Buckhurst Hill says, Jersey has a three-sided flag. Take that back. I'm not going to. Oh, OK. Is she right?

Really? Isn't it... I don't know. I don't know why you're saying really to me. I'm not the flag guy. And 999 says, hi all, there used to be a soft play area in Birmingham called Fuzzy Ed's above a pub. It's closed down now. For adults. I believe one Birmingham called Fuzzy Ed's above a pub. It's closed down now.

For adults. I wouldn't imagine so. It's above a pub. I think it's the future. Well, hardly. Fuzzy Ed's is closed down now. It's too late. It's actually the past.

I wonder why that is. Perhaps the stairs were a bit hard. Couldn't get up there. What were we talking about? They should have had a chute for you to slide down. Because once you've been in the soft play, you can't go back to hard stairs straight away, can you? It's not fair. No, I've had enough hard stairs in my life.

It's lovely getting all these flag pictures in. There's all sorts. You're getting pictures. Have you got a picture of the Nepalese flag? I believe this is the Nepalese flag. Is it two triangles? Oh, it's not a, it's not a Nepal's. Pardon, is it the Nepalese flag? Is it two triangles? Oh, it's not a Nepal's pun, is it? The flag? What? There seem to be two stars on it. It's not like Nepal's,

Nepal's, Nepal's. They're not doing that, are they? Well, no, we have been sent a picture of it. What about if the Nepalese government said, what about if we make them look like two pointy things? I mean, people will love us, then we'll get more tourism. Yeah. Thank you, people will love us, then we'll get more tourism. Yeah.

Thank you, Panhead, for sending that in. Panhead. Yes, well done, Panhead. Sorry, apologies. Oh, that's it. Look, that's clearly, that is the most obvious nipples pun I've ever seen in my life.

It's not. People don't think like you. I mean, you'd think that Gotham would be a bit more serious. They're not like you in the 90s. Come on. Yeah, so anyway, we haven't talked about They're not like you in the 90s. Come on. Yeah, so anyway, we haven't talked about... Chris Evans.

Christabel Evans. Well, this is... As soon as I heard that Chris Evans had gone... Where were you when you heard? Top gear. I was actually... I was in a small book depository when I heard. Small book depository, when I heard.

No, I thought of you immediately, because you do an internet car show. I do. I thought it was only a matter of time. Emily's drive-by. It's not that long ago. I was the motoring correspondent on this show, isn't it? I know. I stole it in your place. And Emily's got what I'm going to call it a cult internet show.

Yeah. Yeah but you make it sound like I take my top off in the car. I don't. Well I haven't seen it. Well you're welcome to come for a drive with me. It'd be fun. Yeah. But it would be a good move wouldn't it to have a woman suddenly take over the show.

Well they have got a lady on the show I believe. Right. Sabine, haven't they? But we don't know that, because no-one's watched it. Because it's partly because of the Euros and... But seriously, I respect you immensely for throwing my name in, but who do you think genuinely would take over? Well, not me.

Why not? Well, I was talking to someone about this yesterday. I don't think they want 40 minutes about parking. No. And how difficult it is. But you would like that. But that's the sort of stuff I... What I'd want to ask them is,

there's like a black bag in the corner of my boot which I've never opened. Which has got something in it to do with the car. I don't know whether it's a... I've no idea. I've never... And I've meant many a time, but you never have spare time around your own car.

No. Or I don't. You're always going somewhere, aren't you? Though I did once go camping. I hadn't got... I realised I hadn't got a tent when I got there. And I slept under my car. It was extremely uncomfortable.

Under it? I slept underneath it, yeah. Wow. I never thought of using my car for shelter, but in a way, you've done. But Frank's not across the technical aspects of the car. He wouldn't know much about torque. No.

He'd know T-A-L-K. I know it's cheap. Torque is cheap, yeah. Oh, that'd be... Looking back, why didn't I just sleep in the car? That is another point that I was about to raise, actually. No, because you could get arrested for that. I think, otherwise, I didn't want to urinate the car.

Soil your own vehicle. No, exactly. Well, this is nice. Well, you know, different times, different strokes for different folks. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're here. It's the Manchester show.

Yeah, it's the Manchester show. Yes, it's Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Text us on 8-12-15. Alan Cochran, text us on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the radio show through the radio website. We have had texts and emails. To bring any new listeners up to speed,

we've got a flag conversation running. We've had a text from Stephen Hull saying, while George is correct that the Swiss flag is square, he is incorrect to say it is not rectangular, as squares are a subset of rectangles. Are they? Didn't know that, but I like it. My geometry's a little bit rusty, I'll be honest with you,

but that's tremendous. I love that that man knows that. I find that quite erotic. Do you? That's great. Takes all sorts. We've all got our fangs. I would have thought square.

In a geometrical status, I'd have thought square was the biggie and rectangle was slightly lower down the league table. So if anything, I'd have thought rectangle was a subset of square. But it turns out rectangle is the... I'd always prioritise the rectangle. You're listening to Shapes on Radio 4. Absolute. You're not...

Absolute geometry, that'd be all right. The rectangle, I would go so far as to describe the Wimbledon towel as rectangular. I think that is true. Thank you. Towels are rectangular. I'm also thinking... No, not all of them. No, but in this instance.

What about this? If you go to the last night of the proms, and we've switched by now to the snake tongue... Hang on a sec. No, never going to happen. It'd look like you've got a curtailed coat on, which fits with the classical music and is also the national flag. Oh, yeah, Frank. I tell you, it's all fallen into place.

We've also had a message from Dan from Penge. Morning, Alan Sundry. I think that's a nice, nice opener. Where is Penge? I always wondered. Penge is where the 176 bus route from central London stops. Is that right? Yeah, I used to get that bus when I lived in London. Lovely.

Occasionally woke up in Penge if I had been over imbibing. No sleep till Penge. No sleep till Penge. That's the very opposite of that. I used to shout that. No sleep till Penge. Anyway. I don't know if I've ever been to...

Is it where... No. I was thinking know if I've ever been to, is it where, um, no. I was thinking it was where Hancock lived in the programme, but that was East Cheam. Yeah, East Cheam, yeah. Anyway, Dan from Penge. Morning, Alan Sundry. I always said that if I ever became rich, it was a, that I would have,

if I ever became rich, that I would have a Velcro room in my house where walls and ceiling would be bedecked in Velcro and I would have a Velcro room in my house where walls and ceiling would be bedecked in Velcro and I would don a Velcro suit, allowing me to clamber around the rooms, otherwise unused ambling areas. Yeah. It also has tremendous implications for childminding,

baby-on-the-ceiling kind of scenario. Yeah, well, that would be... I would go for a low wall position. I'd be on easier, Matt. Would you? I like the Velcro suit concept. I'd be on ease here. Would you? I like the Velcro suit concept. I don't even need the full suit, just hat and shirt. Yeah, but give it to everyone.

When they walk in the house, you give them the suit to wear and then everyone's dressed the same and you can all relax in your comfies. It's lovely, Frank. Yeah, but would you be brave enough to sleep on the ceiling? Yeah. The question is, how much do you really trust Velcro? 8, 12, 15.

I've relied on it on many a night out. Yes, I wonder if I'm reaching the stage for the Velcro shoe. Oh, nice. Oh, no. You could, though. You could. You definitely could. You can get a fashionable one. You can also, you can. If you go to the I Have Given Up shop, I believe they have some lovely ones available, so I'll put you definitely could. You can get a fashionable one. Well, you can also, you can if you go to the I Have Given Up shop.

I believe they have some lovely ones available, so I'll put you in touch. I'll try that immediately. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I was remembering something just now about yesterday, Frank, which was you reminded me of something,

which was when you turned round to... Yeah, you turned round. He did actually physically turn round to Serge from Kasabian and offered him a palm of violet. I mean, you don't offer Serge a 1952 suite. You opened the back of it and you went, PV? PV? Did you say PV?

You manipulated it to PV, trying to be cool in front of Serge from Kasabian. No, I've called them PVs for many years. I love a Parma Violet, I must say. Yeah, but Serge wasn't keen. It's the queen of the sweets. Well, Serge said to me, tastes like soap. Did he?

He's obviously never tasted soap. I don't mean he doesn't wash, I mean he's never toasted soap. He looked immaculate. I love Parma Violets. Don't you? No. I'm with Serge from Kasabian on this one. Oh, I like it all.

Parma Ham I like. Parma Ham I like much more than Parma Violets. We can't just name food we like. This is so boring. What about Tara Parma Tomkinson? I'm indifferent. OK. Somewhere in between the two, of Parma Ham and Parma Violet boring. What about Tara Palmer Tomkinson? I'm indifferent. Somewhere in between the two, if Palmer Ham and Palmer

Violet, I would put Palmer Tomkinson. What you need is... Frank did a very significant interview with her. Can't watch it anymore. They wiped it off the... Her people wiped it off the YouTube. Anyway... We've had various Penge-related texts, by the way. Penge is near Beckenham and Crystal Palace. No one born there admits to it.

Dave from Beckenham. See what he's done there. David Beckenham? No, Dave from Beckenham. Oh, that. Penge is near Beckenham and Crystal Palace. No one born there admits to it. Dave from Beckenham. Ah. Let's see what he's done there. David Beckenham? No, Dave from Beckenham. Oh, I thought that was exciting. We've had a text from David Beckenham. Oh, that would be big news, wouldn't it?

Yeah. The word penge makes me feel slightly eerie. Oh, no, I like it. I don't. It's a bit like moist. I don't like it. There are certain place names that excite me. There's one near Tombridge Wells

called Frant. I'm saying it because it sounds a bit like Frank. Well, it sounds a bit like Frantic. Yeah, it makes me feel slightly anxious, Frant. Are those lights always on? Yes. It's a red light, darling, and it means we're recording the show.

I just wanted to make absolutely sure the building wasn't on fire. How long have we been doing this show? Seven years. Never noticed those lights before in my life. That's a red light and it means the show's recording. But it's a red and a green light. Very confusing if you're a driver. You're not driving in here, though.

You're driving the desk, I suppose. Driving the desk, exactly. Seven years, everyone. Seven years. A square is also a rhombus. A square is also a rhombus. A square is also a rhombus. Mr Doyle from Penge. See, the Penge switchboard has really lit up.

There's a... It's a rhombus as well. A square is also a rhombus, yeah. Well, I've lost my bearings geometrically this morning. Are you still talking about geometry? Mm-hm. Oh, I wasn't very good at it. If I was going to make a program about geometry i don't know

if i'd pitch it to radio i think i'd probably also i don't think osprey should present it i think it's a weird trio i don't know it's uh we could be the eternal triangle so listen we were talking about sporting events obviously we'd been to today ie wimbledon oh yeah i went to uh in a way an even more exciting sport and that was a buzzy sports day oh how was it well it's brilliant absolutely brilliant and he's four so it's not you know they're not doing like hardcore events no but um he he liked to look at your son doing sport or daughter I'm sure and think if there's any signs of possible

professional options any signs, oh good at that and what did you think? He was very good at the egg and spoon race that's going to be useful well we don't know how it's going to go to him, it's a new Olympic event opportunities in the egg and spoon.

Every year. Well, something that's dropped me is that he was, because he could move quite quickly. Carrying a load. But still be, but so steadily that the egg stayed in place. And I thought he could, if ever he's given a Sony

Discman, he would be able to run for a boss without even jumping. Oh, that would be useful. That's a life skill. Or, if he's having an affair, I don't wish this on him, but, you know, life happens, and he has to quickly gather his possessions together and get out of a window, he can make a quick getaway. Well, yes, but he could put those under his arm.

I don't think he needs to put them on a spoon. He's going to carry all this stuff in a large spoon. Well, what if his possessions include a tray? I mean, he could have all manner of what have you. Is he going to say to the woman, such is my contempt for your husband. I shall carry my belongings wrapped together and balanced

on a spoon. Now, a quick kiss and goodbye. And he's off. Off into the quick kiss and goodbye. And he's off into the night. Or afternoon. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Don't you think it would be possible that

at some point in the future egg and spoon could be in the Olympics? No. Why not though? be in the Olympics. No. Why not, though? Well, the Olympics have a thing where to put an event in, it needs to dislodge another event. So if there's already something similar... Yeah, or if there's already something similar... But there's nothing that tests your speed of foot

combined with stillness of the upper body. I agree. What about on a shot put? They would need to remove a running race for it, I think, I suspect. So they could remove the 100 metres, which, let's face it, no-one is interested in. I mean, shot put is just a more full-on version of egg and spoon, except you finally release the egg at the end. Well... Come on, it is is if you had the shot on

a spoon i'd agree with you yeah yeah but on your hand which acts as a spoon i know but it's got a grip that a spoon hasn't i mean they've got hop step and jump they have that yeah which they turned into the triple jump to make it sound less like a silly event. Agreed. But they could call it, you could get like the 500 metre swan, because it represents the way a swan is still and graceful on the top and then working busily underneath the water.

500 metres? That's going to be a lot of picking up eggs. I don't, no, not at this level. Alright, you think they're going to get pretty good. They could use, you know, the real eggs, and there wouldn't be a mark on them. They could get some dairy sponsorship going on, you know. It'd be great, and at the end, of course,

they'd all really, really extend their eggs to be first over the line, stretch their spoons out. Yes, yes. And that would make balance that little bit more difficult, because obviously not using... And then you might drop and smash the egg. They're not using the elbow joint to sort of... True.

I don't... If you actually think about it, if you lose your prejudice about the egg and spoon race... I don't think I've got a prejudice as such. There's no... You said it was low rent. I heard you say that. There's no reason at all,

I mean, seriously, why it shouldn't be an Olympic event. It involves various... OK, I have got a prejudice. OK. It's not glamorous enough, Frank. I don't know. I don't want to see someone staggering around holding a spoon. Yeah, you could get a really nice spoon, though.

You could get a nice spoon. You'd have to have a special spoon that fitted close regularly. You couldn't just come along with different spoons. I also feel... I don't think sporting events should involve foodstuffs. There, I've said it. Well, you could maybe have another thing that replaced the egg, a small ball of some kind.

Yeah, you wouldn't have a men's 100m freestyle clutching a loaf of bread. It's not suitable. Well, that would be good fun, though. I'm absolutely furious. I just don't think you're not listening to me. I am listening. This is how Marconi must have felt.

I want to push... It wasn't how he felt. He was. He didn't suggest egg and spoon race. I want to push Buzz into the area which he already excels, which is violin playing. He's marvellous at that, I've heard him. I think he's... We were in the car the other day and...

And he's a natural-born comic. Well, he said a thing to me which I thought, if I'd have said that, I'd be quite pleased with it, as a use of the language. Yeah. The driver wound down... We were in the back of a... Lorry. Minicab. And he wound down... The driver wound down the... We were in the back of a of a... Lorry. Minicab. And he

wound down... The driver wound down the window, which made it a bit blustery. And Buzz said, you know, my hair's always a target for the wind. I thought that's a fabulous turn of phrase. Lovely. I love it.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I've got to have some text in. A square isn't a rhombus because the diagonal bisects aren't equal on a rhombus. You're welcome. That's from

Lou Loughton, exam marker for OCR question 7 on this year's foundation paper. Well, hang on, have they done the exams? Because you've just given it away, otherwise. I think they have, yeah. OCR. So they only mark one question each, the examiners?

No, I think she's an exam marker, but she's saying that... Hold on, how do you know it's a she? Lou. I thought... Oh, L-O-U. I would assume that's... But what about Lou Bega? Man by number five. Yeah. Oh, L-O-U. I would assume that's for you. What about Lou Bega? Mambo No. 5?

Yeah. As David Baddiel said, what happened to Mambos No. 1 through 4? A little bit of rhombus on my hair. A little bit of dodecahedron. Carry on. I think Lou was suggesting that that was the question No. 7. Yes.

Like, why is a rhombus not a square? Oh. So it was this year's question. Well, I think we're spending more time on this than they spent on the actual question, answering it. Well, also, we've had some anger from Sarah in Chelmsford, has emailed, has texted all... Well, you're going to get more anger now,

because she's called Saira. Oh, Saira, sorry. All in caps, all in caps. And she's from Cheltenham. No, she's from Chelmsford. All in caps. All in caps. And she's from Cheltenham. No, she's from Chelmsford. All in caps. Eggs are not dairy. And then about ten exclamation marks. Wow. Well, in that case, they need to rearrange the sections in my local shop.

Well, maybe she's right. Because I think, well, you're right. Isn't dairy, it's the animal's mammary glands, if you don't mind me saying. Oh! it's the animal's mammary glands if you don't mind me saying that's the error well maybe that's wrong can I just say we've done two of my favourite comedy things today. I did my Bless You joke earlier, and fake retching.

That's two. That's my two favourite comedy things. I mean, I'm happy with how this has gone. I don't know about you guys. I don't know if the people at home are so happy with the retching. I'm really happy with it. Well, I always thought, simple terms, dairy is stuff what comes off of the cow. Or animal.

No, cow. Oh, really? All right, so they're not dairy. Well, that's what I think, but I could have got it wrong, unless you've ever seen a cow lay an egg. I just thought they came from an animal. No, I've seen an elephant fly. As we all know, I've got a trunk. I've seen a needle wink its eye.

Survive, I don't want to talk about that. And luckily I had one of those Minerva-faced threaders. So, um... We've had one more text that I would like to bring to your attention because you were on about Palmer Violets earlier. PVs, as you agreed to. Well, this was when he offered Serge from Kasabian the PV. I couldn't bear it. One of the better show business

stories that we've broadcast, isn't it? And I feel confident Frank's the only person to ever offer a member of Kasabian a palm of violet. Yes. Well. And abbreviated to PV. PVs are an acronym for photovoltaic cells in the construction industry.

Solar panels to the layman. You wouldn't get very far covering your roof with palmer violets. Paul Jolly. Paul Jolly, the architect. I know, but think of the lovely smell that would come down through the attic. Oh, no, it would smell like soap. Has anyone ever eaten them individually? See, I...

Three at a time? I take three or four out and pile them like you see sometimes see tyres piled in a garage. And then I bite into them like that. What about I got a packet of love hearts and I just kept searching for one that was appropriate to give Frank? Oh, that's nice. Because I just thought my guy, not quite right. Yeah. I mean, it can't, let's be honest.

Yeah. What did I go for in the end? I think it was lick the roof of my mouth. Which I thought it was a misjudgment. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Still reeling from the news that eggs aren't dairy. I really thought they were. I'm reeling from the news that eggs aren't dairy. I really thought they were.

I'm reeling from the news that eggs aren't squares. Yeah. Because they've got a do-ecker, do-er-egger line across the hemispheric sector. You really listened during the last link, didn't you? Yeah, I did. Well, I actually marked question eight. Good for you. In those exams. Clint from Ipswich has texted,

how about the egg and spoon race followed by the baton bit, but replace the baton with a baguette and then dippy egg and bread after? See, not taking it seriously. No, I think he is. I think he's absolutely on board. I tell you what, he's picked something there. The relay. Is the relay any more ridiculous than the idea of egg and spoon race?

Passing over a little bit of his... Really? Passing over the baguette? Come on. I know, but passing a piece of wood to each other. It's not wood, is it? What is it then? It's a little piece of metal, isn't it? A metal rod. I think it is a... What about Max is getting really upset. Is it?

It's union flag mate Not union jack It's only a jack on a boat Hashtag get it right People always say that and I prefer to get it wrong Hashtag obvious thing to say Thank you mate Because if I start saying the union flag

Is it sounding a bit Brexit You're one step away from getting it on your shoes But you're right Max is correct and I acknowledge that That's the sort of fact a bit Brexit. You're one step away from getting it on your shoes. But you're right. I'm taking it, yeah, Max is correct and I acknowledge that. That's the sort of fact that's just not for me. Is it not?

Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Here's a thing I'd like to ask you about. I was in my garden this week. Lovely.

And we have a garden wall, and it's quite low. I'd say it's about four and a half feet. So it's lean. I can lean on it. Mine's collapsed. Sorry to hear that. It's what happens as you get into your 40s. You should have done your Pelvix. I told you. So anyway... Good advice for the younger readers. I told you. So anyway...

Good advice for the younger readers. I'm absolutely fine on that front. Anyway, you'll be all right if you drop the egg. So anyway, I was in the garden with Boz playing football. Oh, spacious. And it wasn't too windy, happily, so his hair was... It wasn't a target. No, it wasn't a target, no.

But I was aware of the fact that my next-door neighbours were in the garden. Oh. Well, you can, from your garden, which I do sit in regularly, you can sort of see what's going on a little bit. Am I right that one of your neighbours is a tennis umpire as well? And they were just staring down? No, he's actually the man who calls out directions at the Hampton Court maze. So he has a high

chair. Yeah. No, I did once, I'll tell you what I did once in a house. I was at somebody's place and they had quite a proper, not proper, but a big trampoline that an adult could use. Oh, yeah. And I started, I had a go on it, and as I bounced higher, I could, the people next door were having a meal in the garden.

And as I went up, they all looked across at me. And, you know, there's somebody from the television suddenly appeared in mid-air. At first, I think they weren't sure whether i was trampolining or i'd fall out of a helicopter yeah but anyway i i bounced up and and i sort of smiled back and they all sort of it and um by the third or fourth bounce yeah i i thought well that's enough of the smiling so i went up quiteony-faced and they were still smiling. I felt that I accidentally snubbed them. Yeah, but every time you descended,

you should have seen the looks they were exchanging. Yeah, they'd probably think I ate him. Oh! I go, did you see that terrible thing you did? Oh! It was like me in that lounge yesterday at Wimbledon. Well, on the sixth bounce, I managed to get my trousers and pants off

before I rose up. Because I think if you're a comedian, you have to see this of the day. Anyway, so they were in the garden and I was playing with boss. And I thought, do I go over and talk or not? And I couldn't really think of anything as a general thing. I was playing football, so I just didn't talk to them. So I was out there about an hour and then they went in. And I thought, oh, have I...

Is that a thing now? Have I snubbed them? Do you have to say hello to your neighbours every time you see them in the garden? Yeah, I think it's polite. Oh, don't. It's like the cross town... You know, I was discussing this with you yesterday,

the difference between obliged and obligated. You're not obligated, but you're obliged. Do you understand? And I like them. I was happy to talk. You're not. I believe that's an interview question at Oxford University. Do you not understand the difference? No, I don't. It means you don't have to, but it's a decent done thing if you do. Oh, OK.

OK, thank you. Well, I think you should have said hello. I think you should have. Just give them a little wave. I personally think you don't want to lose your focus on the game of football and then be less impressive. I couldn't think of anything to say, though. Maybe I should have a whiteboard put on that wall.

And if I think of anything in the week, I'll just scribble it down so that if I do see them, I've got an aide de mémoire. Maybe you did what the football managers are always telling their teams to do. You let your football do the talking, didn't you? I suppose I did. You let your football do the talking. Frank, I had a bit of a run-in with one of my neighbours. Now, have we got time for this?

I don't think we have. Do you want to keep it for next week? I love that that could be the best teaser of all time. I have some knowledge of this, and it's a beauty. So, yes, let's save that. Oh, that's lovely. Look, thank you so much for listening this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Don't Rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!