The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - The Ledge Effect

Episode Date: March 24, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Exes at parties, the royal wedding cake and the England Football team's snack ban.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text... Oh no, don't text the show, this is serious. Why don't they text the show? No, do text the show. Oh, she's giving me the wrong note. Do text the show. Ignore that. Oh. Oh.

Text the show. Ignore that. Oh. Oh. Oh. Text the show. No, really. On 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Text the show. Please. If you want.

Steve! We want your text. Steve! I mean, there are other options. Steve, text the show! Oh, sorry, he's been sick. Text the show after you've been sick mate looking forward to that yeah

you'll be alright Steve how many Steve's you think we got listening this morning don't text him because I wouldn't take the money off you for that but I bet there's over 10,000 well Frank I said at the end of the show last week that I think we were talking about how Prince William...

I'm not going to reenact the whole last hour. Well, let's get nostalgic about the hour I wasn't here. Oh, Frank, we missed you. But there was one highlight, which was... I was talking about Prince William and how he liked to be called Steve by his friends at St Andrews. Okay. Which I thought was a strange name for a royal.

And then I had loads of people texting me in the week. Not texting me, I don't give these people my number. Tweeting me saying there was a King Stephen. So I'd like to apologise to our readers who, as ever, were very vigilant. I did not know that. Every day's a school day on this show. Not England, though, was there?

Was there one in England? King Stephen. I believe so. I don't know. I Every day's a school day on this show. Not England, no, was there? Was there one in England? King Stephen. I believe so. I don't know. I'm sure they'll tell us. Also, we're getting lots of lovely messages in about your appearance last night on Sports Relief. Yes, I noticed when they showed the montage

on BBC News this morning, it's mainly people rowing and sweating over a... They don't show people from the panel shows. You did a panel game. Much easier. They don't value that as a contribution. Much easier than you did all that swimming. Exactly, it was much easier.

I don't know, you obviously haven't worked with Paddy McGuinness. It's a battle in many ways. God bless him. He was funny. I was relieved you'd done that swim because they go through all, oh, and then you did this and you climbed that mountain and you did the cycling and I thought, oh, thank God you did that swim.

It would have been so embarrassing. I did the odd day. I did a day running with Eddie Izzard and a day running with John Bishop. I'm sort of brought in as a utility. Yeah. Like Paul Maidley, the old Leeds United player. Right. Utility man.

There's a pick-me-up for people that are doing long runs. You're like a sort of cheer-me-up figure. Yeah, exactly. Exactly, yeah. I mean, you know, when you think I can't go on and then I come round the corner, you think, well, maybe I will. Yeah.

Yeah. That's nice, isn't it? It's the ledge effect. The ledge effect? Yeah. You should know that. Yeah, yeah. I actually thought that was referring to a well-known effect

called the ledge effect. It was some scientific discovery. What is this? Like the Laffer Curve, the ledge effect. Do you know, by the way, Do you know when they have like, I suppose it's a sort of radio for gentle English comedy type thing. And they read out things from like funny headlines from the paper that sort of mislead.

Yes. I think I never see those ever and then this week I don't know if they'd read it because it's a bit dark but I saw it Oh so you're going to now Yeah

Oh God Do you know Heather Locklear the actress I do She was involved in Sammy Jo incident and the headline was

Heather Locklear charged with battery I thought I wonder how she's kept going all these years. Very good. I was really pleased with it. I actually did like a, you know when you can do a photo grab on your phone? Yeah.

I did that. Oh, you might have some explaining to do. That's exciting when that works. It reminded me of when I was in Edinburgh and there was a shop that said watch batteries fitted. Oh, yeah. And I thought, that's not much of a spectator sport. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a question in from Miles Oru. Okay. Who says, Hi, Emily, I'd love to know, as Frank is not a fan of the oppressive 12s, does the same apply to putting petrol in his car? And does he fill up to the nearest rounded number,

i.e. £20, or stop when his heart desires? I'll tell you what I do. Do you stop when your heart desires, Frank Skinner? No, I do second click. Do you? So I do. You, I do second click. Do you? So I do. You know when it tells you it's full?

Oh, yeah. I always do another. I mean, it's a matter of seconds, but I do second click, so you really feel that. Even where the dial is showing full, it's probably a bit fuller than that, but the dial can't actually register how full it is. Why do you do that, then? You just like the feeling of your own munificence?

Because I always find it an immense chore to stop and put petrol in. Such a pain. Knowing the car needs fuel is... I don't want to overstate this, but it is one of the most depressing feelings on earth.

People might tune in and think we're quite fortunate in our lives. Although what I would say, Frank, I always go by the money. I find it interesting that you go by the mechanism. Well, I don't need to watch the money. I'll be straight with you. I've never filled a car up and think, oh, my God, I can't afford that. Well, I have, but not for a long time.

Can I just say, I think the point Miles Oru is making, it's not that you're thinking, oh, I can't afford it. It's more that you want it to be nice. There's a symmetry about hitting the three zeros. There was a, where was he from? Somewhere in Central

America. He was a serial killer. Oh, lovely. And he killed 200 people. And I always thought... Can you just say where it was, maybe, so we know at least. I always thought he was a weird bloke. To kill 200 exactly. I bet

when he goes to the garage, he has to get it exactly. If he doesn't get it exactly, you don't want to be that person on the counter. Let's put it that way. Well, I'm not going to tell you how I feel my bedroom. Exactly £20 a time. Do you? Yeah.

I'm not suggesting you're a serial killer. If you were, that's, you know... I could have it in me when you pushed. Could there be anything worse than the serial killer who likes a round number? It means he's constantly pressed forward. True. Emily, if you put in 20, if you're trying to put in exactly

20 pounds, let's say, I'm picking a figure. Try 50, mate. What if it rolls on by like a penny or three pence? Do you then have to go to the next ten or do you go to a fiver? I'll go to the next ten. Can I say I'm a bit worried that I said he about serial killers. That was a bit sexist.

Don't think so. I'm sure there are female. Has there not been female serial killers? Well, there will be. Don't text in about it. There will be when I'm done. The enormous numbers are men. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that's fine. What do you put that, Dan? I'm not saying it's fine. I'm not saying it's fine. Stay in power. I don't think it's fine. Psychological stamina. Is that what you're saying?

Oh. Oh, OK. Don't tell me a bit of a... How dare you suggest we couldn't be efficient serial killers? I think they might. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went to...

Yes. I was going to say something. Oh, no, go on. I'm sorry to interrupt. It is a bit of a hold all calls moment. Is it? David Lister, I mean, you may not be familiar with him. I'm saying it like you'll know his name.

But David Lister, he's one of our readers. He's been in touch and he has some news for you, Frank. The second click on petrol pump, he's using the Tom Chance vernacular, the second click on petrol pump puts's using the Tom Chance vernacular second click on petrol pump puts fuel back into the pump. Oh my God. I don't think

that's correct. You nearly said I don't believe it. That would have been great. I think the money goes up. So how does that happen? Well you would say that. Oh. Oh I see. Now. So not only do you get charged for it but they're having a bit back. That's a double money. would say that. Oh, I see. No. So not only do you get charged for it, but they're

having a bit back. That's a double money. The money goes up and the petrol goes out. The money couldn't go up if it was... So if I kept clicking, I could empty the car. That's fraud. Would the money go down? It could carry on like that all day.

No, that's not right, is it no i'm i'm sorry well anyone with any experience of forecourt work perhaps they could um get in touch this morning yeah any i want to rephrase that question but any uh any uh petrol technician yeah a pompmeister i love a pompmeister how often now do you remember when I first started driving, when you pulled up at the garage, there was a person standing there to put the petrol in for you? Rare now. When I first started driving, all the wheels fell off, like one of those black and white films.

Oh. Well, there was a time we couldn't talk about Emily's age on the show without me having to play the theme from Bay of the Triffids. Do you remember that? Now, she's doing the gags I know times have changed I

speaking of cars oh yeah I'll tell you what I saw I had I think this qualifies as a I saw a Volkswagen car that had the badge stolen.

Oh, wow. Oh, man, come on. Memory Lane? It was actually parked in Memory Lane. But it made me think... It's the fact that you're using the phrase, like, Memory Lane with, like, rappers. You take off those symbols.

Oh, no, but it was... It really... Cos crime is... It symbols. I know, but it was really because crime, it has a fashion thing, doesn't it? I'd say it's more fickle than the actual fashion industry. Yeah. Crime's coming and go.

I mean, because the acids hasn't been one for ages. Yeah. Yeah. Mopeds is a thing now, but, you know. Car radios, not so much. No. Oh, that used to be such a thing.

Do you remember those that used to... The car radios. I used to take the radio out... Yeah, I did. ...and then carry it wherever I was going and carry it in like a little briefcase. Like a futuristic... It seems absurd now, doesn't it?

I treated it as a futuristic handbag. Nice. Little handle you'd told it on. Well, I got into the habit of thinking, I don't want to carry this around, so I'd take it out and put it under my chair because it got pinched. Well, those were the days.

People would come into your house. Happy slapping. What happened to that? Oh, hang on. I'd even forgotten about happy slapping. That's gone. You know, I met the book who got the word into, I think it was the Times.

Oh. Sorry. What happens? I met this guy who had written an article got the word into, I think it was the Times. Whatever. Oh. Sorry. Heavens. I met this guy who had written an article in the Times Educational Supplement, and he said it's the first use of happy slapping in print, and he'd got it in the dictionary. Oh. Small claim to do. I wish now I'd got a jingle that said whatever slapping to.

Awesome. Do you remember that? Horrible. Awesome, do you remember that? I look back on these like I might look at Houndstooth Check when everyone was wearing that. Do you remember there was a massive craze in stealing bronze sculptures and melting them down? Yes.

Henry Moore. Oh, they were. He was your man, Henry Moore. Bob Redworth had a couple done it was massive yeah for a while yeah

absolutely massive it was a sort of I suppose a reworking in the way that the current ripped jeans are sort of working the 80s sort of bross look

in many ways it was a reworking of the old led off the church roof of the of the 50s and 60s I was sort of priced out of that crime.

I only had an estate rather than a van. That was the trouble. I mean, that's why. Remember the Hatton Garden robbery? Yeah. Which was good, old-fashioned gold, diamonds, cash. Yeah. All the blokes were about 70.

They were. Because they weren't on trend. No. No. I couldn't learn. Sort of retro robbery. We've also had an email that I feel like... Hold on, I've got... Daisy has bounced back from the no text moment

and now he's pressuring me to shut up. Oh, OK. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Lee has been in touch. Lee's been in touch. Lee...

I really hope it's Lee Merriweather who played Catwoman in the Batman movie. No, it's Lee who describes himself as being powered by common sense. Oh, wow. So you'll be delighted to hear he agrees with you about the petrol pump. Oh. Second click does not put fuel back in the pump.

There's no return valve. Well, that's what I thought. The pump senses... I've used that line a few times. Wowee. Wowee. The pump senses the tank is full I didn't know the pump was capable of such complex emotions

That's what the click is all about It must be That's what the first click is It's saying it's full now The pump senses the tank is full via a small tube at the end of the middle which picks up pressure building in the tank due to it being full

At the end of the middle Yeah We're missing Hawking already I felt like this which picks up pressure building in the tank due to it being full. At the end of the middle. Yeah. We're missing Hawking already. I felt like this. We've gone sloppy in our science almost immediately. Yeah. Oh, well, it didn't make any sense.

I think it's mostly good info, though. Look, here's the conversation. The important thing is you were right. The conversation between the car and the pump is the car says, meaning I'm full now. The pomp says, let's just see, shall we? And then, no, I'm really, really full now. Pomp says, fair enough. Do you know what?

That's the conversation. Do you know what? I found that so adorable, because that's clearly someone with a child, the way you explained that. Yeah, yeah. But I have never... And also, it directly contradicts what he's just emailed us.

But anyway... No, I don't think it does. I think it does. I think he's saying that the... Oh, it's got a bit tense. The pump is what's saying, oh, you're full now, to the car. He's saying that...

Okay, well, okay, fair enough. I'll just... Let me just change that on my final draft. I mean, it's just a bit of sloppiness from the writers. You can still get, here's a whatever up, too. Whatever! The court stenographers used to sit down. Oh, yeah.

Whoa. Oh, I love them. What was it? Why didn't they just have a type in there? What is a stenographer? Good. That is a great text in. it? Why didn't they just have a type in there? What is a stenographer? Good. That is a great texting. Yeah, why weren't they just typing?

Also, something I have never done. I mean, I'm a man now. Oh, this will be interesting. In my twilight years, I've never ever had the guts to go third click. Oh. I don't know what would happen if you went third click. Would it start spilling out of the actual thing? Yeah, that's my worry, is fuel on the actual vehicle.

Although I think that has happened to me. I get distracted sometimes. Let's keep it clean. We've also had an email on my Friday night troll. You know, I read the emails that come in on Friday evenings. Oh, yes, I do that. I just like it. I just don't feel like they should be overlooked.

It's a good thing. I love that. You know, we have this thing that we've... How can I explain it? The Big Mo moment, where people tell people a thing as if it's an unusual fact, but everybody knows it. Yes.

Is that pretty much what I've caught up? Yeah. It's based on the fact that Big Mo from EastEnders is Gary Oldman's sister, which you tell people that even though there's about four people now in Britain who don't know. And last week we were discussing, we had Professor Brian Cox being in D.Ree.

Yeah, that's another fine example of it. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I write with the hope of landing in the net with the rest of the Friday night trawl. Just wanted to point out that Frank is often guilty of his own big moment on the show. Whenever foot size is mentioned, he always tells us readers that Kate Winslet has size nine feet. Nine and a half, actually. Like it is a fact only a few people know.

While I admit it was from your show that I first heard this fact, it was a long time ago when she rescued Richard Branson's mum from that fire. She stamped it out, that fire. Indeed. from that fire. She stamped it out, that fire. Indeed. In the intervening years,

we must have heard this fact from Frank at least 20 times. It's a worry, that, isn't it? Yeah. Brackets enough to count on Kate's fingers and toes. So, congratulations. Congratulations. Well done to Frank for creating his very own big mo amongst your readers.

Perhaps this could be a way of fans of the show to recognise each other. IRL, I don't know what that means. In real life. Oh, in real life. News correspondent here, thank you. Okay. Well, you're right, I think.

Does it count if you're the one that's brought the fact originally to the public's attention? Yeah, it's a... It's a sort of self-basting big moment. Indeed. But you're quite right, I probably do mention it, which is a worry. What's with the obsession? Yeah, what's the obsession with Kate Winslet's feet?

You know, I'll be on the Bigfoot Babes website. Is that a thing? I don't know. I think I'm going to fall for that one, Your Honour. You covered up that pause brilliantly. Thanks very much. Yeah, he's not into pause. Feet he's into. That's more my thing. But you know what, you start

on feet, this is it with the internet. Next thing you know you're looking at pause. Hey Frank, do you remember on Celebrity Big Brother when Mel C used a unit of measurement to describe something and she said a cat's paw. Was it Mel C? Who was it? No, it wasn't. It was Lady Sovereign.

She said it was a small amount, like a cat's paw's worth of food. That's good. I knew Lady Sovereign would leave behind some sort of legacy. Yeah, Lady Sovereign. I think she might have wrote Hamilton. You think? It had her DNA all over it, I have to say.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I tell you, popular comedy double act, Badil and Skinner. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm aware of their work. It can now be revealed that we're back. Are you? Yeah. Do you know what I

call them now? What's that? Badil and Thinner. Oh. Come on. Skinnier. Dave will be texting you about that. Badil and Skinnier. I mean, you've kept your figure, David. Um, yes. Can I do it one more time? Sorry, what was it? Badil and Skinnier.

Oh, I just keep refined. It's just, I thought we were going to... I'm shopping to do it one more time. Sorry, what was it? Baddiel and Skinnier. Oh, I just thought... Refined. I thought we were going to... I'm shopping my day. Yeah, yeah. That's the last time I'll do it. It's... Yes, so we worked together this week professionally. Did you?

What were you up to? Were we allowed to know? You're going to the Russia World Cup, is that...? Oh, yeah. It's on a similar level to that. It's football-related? No, it's not football-related. Oh.

It's a bit of a... It's a big... Quite a big deal. We advertised a pension guidance service. You get to an age where those are the offers that come in. Oh, yeah. And it's an advert, but it's not for a company. I suppose it's for...

It's for the government. I suppose it's for the government. It's advertising. Gov.co.uk, forward slash, forward slash. It's almost like a civic duty that you do. I tell you what, do you remember those... They used to be called public information films. that you did. I tell you what, do you remember those, they used to be called public information films? They sure did.

And it was always retrieving a frisbee from a pylon. Oh, yeah, that was a good one. Oh, that nightmares about those. My favourite was Don't Overcrowd Your Car. Oh, I don't remember that one. Oh, the early ones, they were technology free. They were the most basic. There was one called wear something white at night.

Oh, yeah. It's a good rule. There was a lot. The Green Cross Code were part of those as well. Well, this is of that ilk, I would say. Oh, I can't wait to see this. I'll be sat on my leather chest of fields. It starts this week.

To be honest, I think we both thought there's a gap for a double act at the moment. It's a vacancy. So we're back in. How did it go? Well, it was Dave directed me throughout

the course. But I love him for that in a way. We were down in Broccoli. Yeah? Which, as Dave points out, is Professor Green country. Oh, yeah. And which I find today is ironic, as Broccoli is one of the primary greens.

We encourage people to... And so what sort of... Does Dave give you notes throughout the day? You know, I love Dave. Like Dave. But, um, yeah, he does lean across and say, I think you could give that a bit less. I think I did it to him a bit as well. He takes it a lot better than I do.

I want to see the making of the Vensions advert. I would pay good money to see it. That sounds good, yeah. 90 minutes I'd want of that. 90 minutes of these two. It's, um... I mean, it was all the tea we could drink for a start-off. That was great.

Tell us about the deal now. All the tea we could drink. The feel of it, I'd say... Didn't even get a tenner for turning off. Yeah, we fell down that pothole. But we have got MasterChef. The feel of it, I would say, is Petercock and Dudley Moore if they'd been in Last of the Summer Wine.

Do you know, that sounds lovely. Nice mash-up. It has got a lovely two old mates. And it was nice to spend the day together, I must say. Good. Apart from when he was directing me. He's still going to text me any minute. No, he's going to text me saying,

I was not directing you. Well, maybe five times. But that's my impression of him. What do you think? Oh, I can't wait to see that this week. Yeah, it's all over Sky this week, apparently. Oh, live on Sky. So if you've got problems,

you know, not sure about your pensions, tune in. That's my advice. Tune in to an ad. Tune in, it'll be on. Will it be on the internet? Oh, I would imagine. Oh, yeah.

It might be there now. Might. I'll give you a minute. One of the news is on you can have a gander. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've got a bit of... A bit of trouble?

No, a bit of business. Okay. So I'm going to do an Elvis and take care of this business. TCB. Yeah. Do you remember, Frank, earlier this morning, David Lister got in touch for a bit of a contradiction. Do you recall that moment?

Yes, he told me that my second click when I was putting petrol in the car actually took petrol out of the car and put it back in the pump. Yeah. Seems strange to me. Absurd, absurd. But wasn't I, I disbelieved it, and I think I got a bit of backup, didn't I, from what I saw. Well, you did, but he's now come back.

He's becoming something of a Moriarty figure in your life. Okay. And he said, if you look at the petrol nozzle, he's actually attached someone else's explanation, we should say. Okay. But he says, if you look at the petrol nozzle, he's actually attached someone else's explanation, we should say. Okay. But he says, if you look at the petrol nozzle, you'll see that alongside the large nozzle, where the fuel comes out, is a small opening.

That is a suction, which senses when the fuel is reaching full. When fuel is sucked up by the little hole instead of air, it clicks. That's why, if you click more and more, you're losing more fuel. Admittedly, not much, to the little hole instead of air, it clicks. That's why if you click more and more, you're losing more fuel, admittedly not much, to the little sucker pipe. Oh, wow. I was saying I've never had the courage to do the third click. The courage to look down

the petrol pipe. In my mind, that could only possibly go one way. I'd be covered in petrol and then someone would walk past on their mobile phone and I'd be a human torch. Yeah. I can only assume the people brave enough to look

down a petrol pump have never spent any of their life watching slapstick comedy. Like, they must have never seen that. Big moment in Zoolander. Never seen Laurel and Hardy. No. What's wrong with these people? What would you do if you became a human torch? 8, 12, 15.

I think your options would be limited. I'd like to get in my car and drive away just to see the faces of oncoming drivers when they saw a human torch driving a BMW down the road. We've had a short anecdote as well texted to us from a petrol pump attendant. Dear all, this is 462. Popmeister. Dear all, I was a PPA, brackets, petrol pump attendant. Lovely.

In my youth in a quaint rural garage, they continue. Yeah. Many an anecdote but won't bore you. Oh. It never stopped me. The best one, though, was the front wheel of my own Mark I Escort, part in company with the car

as I turned onto the forecourt, at which point my witty boss, who was serving petrol at the time, turned to the customer and asked whether he'd met John, the tyre fitter. Oh, that's good. That's good. That, I mean,

that would fit into a great many sitcoms. Yeah, it really would. As a duel in the crown. And that's regards John in Brentwood. And there'd be perhaps one of your lovely little jingles, Frank, after it

happened, when the escort parted company with the car. Let's try it. So he's driving in. Yeah. There you go, there you go. It's the tyre. Nicely done.

Yeah. What else? Oh, hold on. I've got the fares all ready to shut off. We haven't really said anything yet. Nothing. I haven't heard anything from David Baddiel. So I think it's all right.

Well, I said I loved him. What do they want, these people? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I want to talk about the Royal Wedding.

Always. OK. Every week. Every week until it happens. As much as I can. And then for about three weeks after. That's my timetable. What about you?

I'm excited by these kids. I like them. Yeah. However, I have to say, I think they've made their first very poor decision. Do you? Yes. Can I tell you what it is?

Getting married. No, I think that's a lovely little decision if that's for you. Go on then. But apparently there are going to be three exes at the wedding. And we should say that's just three he's declaring, if you know what I mean. Three of his as well, not three between them, like two and one. No. Three of his exes.

Crested a bonus, Chelsea Davy and Ellie Goulding. Legend! Yeah. Come on, we're all thinking it. I always think Chelsea Davy. When I first heard he was going out with Chelsea Davy, I thought, I was expecting a sort of 18th century highwayman to be. Oh, it'd be Chelsea Davy on the road!

But no, it's actually lovely, young, posh woman. Yeah, that seems to be his taste, doesn't it? Yeah. It's said that Ellie Goulding's boyfriend will be there as an old mate of his who's called Casper. So Chelsea, Cressida and Casper will be there.

He truly is the people's prince. Lively. The papers are making quite a meal out of Meghan Markle's understanding of this situation. Well, you don't want to ever be described as understanding. That's bad. Well, I just think that could, you know... That's like that his wife has said you'll stand by him.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, I think there's still a sting in the tail coming because I've seen the table plan and not only are all three of the exes sat together, they're on, like, a subs bench and they're wearing wedding dresses. Oh, no, no, that's a bad idea.

I just think it's very polite and understanding of her to agree to the invitations, but I think they should do the decent thing and do what I believe is popularly called in Hollywood, it's called a gracious decline. Oh, really? They should graciously decline. No way would I...

I'll tell you what they will do. I bet the three of them look fantastic on that day. Boy, will they go to town. Three days in hair and make-up. Wow. At least. They're going to look great. If you're walking down the aisle on your wedding day,

what you don't want to see is three tearful blondes in the pew. Well, if Meg... You know sometimes the bride doesn't turn up? Yes. I think it happened to Lofty, didn't it? Yeah, Lofty. One of the most famous ones, yeah. Yeah, if that happened, what if he just said,

OK, we're all here, you look great, FYI. Absolutely. And he said, one of you three. I'm going to marry one of you three. If he said, there's one of you three that I've never actually properly got in a relationship. If he said to those three women, you've got to fight to the death,

and the one left standing I'll marry, I think they would be prepared to kill each other. I think that would break pay-per-view records as well. I think it would certainly make the news. They should have to do endurance-type tasks. That's how it should be decided. In a way, it's a bit harsh inviting them on them. I wondered if it was

a tribute to the late great Jim Bowen who died recently. Let's see what you would have won. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we're talking about the three ladies at the wedding, the three exes. Yeah.

Well, they've been invited. Whether or not they turn up is another matter. I didn't know Ellie Goulding had had a relationship with me neither. In fact, I don't really know who she is. She looks like a young Steffi Graf. Do you know who Ellie Goulding is? No. Why?

She's one of them singers. Oh, right. Yeah. She did a cover of your song. Do you remember that? My song? No, not your song. That is what?

Did she do I Know A Song That'll Get On Your Nose? No, she did that. Email, email corner. Oh, she did that? She did that. Oh, turns out I do know her. I take it back. Yeah.

She's a really good example, I think. Is she? Well, with those initials. Oh, very good. Oh, lovely. That's lovely. What about when Frank sat next to Example at Wimbledon? I did think that was...

He was between Example and Serge from Kasabian. It was lovely. Yes. My problem with Example, if you remember, was that I said I loved that song blah, blah, blah. It was actually by a sort of band

called Example. He said it's not me. But he did... It was turned around when he pointed out that his uncle was Tony Grealish, who played for West Bromwich Albion. Oh, that's nice.

He knew. Yeah, he knew that. He did. I read that Ellie Goulding and Harry apparently were canoodling under a blanket at the polo. Wow. I hope that wasn't recently. No. But again, people's prints.

Was it the Cartier polo by any chance? I don't know. What is the Cartier polo? Is that where they have carts instead of horses? No, it's sponsored by Cartier. It's a French event. I'm not going to lie, I've been. Horse and Cartier.

Yes, I've done polo. How is it? Is it a good day at the polo? It's a lovely day. That's all I can say. No, it's very much what you would expect. There's a lot of posh people in hats and men in navy blazers and red trousers.

Is it one game or is it like a tournament? I don't really get involved in that. The only thing I get involved at the end, which is a kind of posh tradition, is you... What is it called? You'll know, you're sporty, Sarah. It's like treading the divots or

something. You have to go on and you have to stamp your heels on the field. Oh, do you? Yeah. But it's very much what you'd expect. No one really watches what's going on, Frank. They're all drinking champagne. No, but I realise now that I don't know how long, I don't know how many a side pole, Louise.

I don't know how many a side pole. Is everyone on horses or are some people on foot? Of course they're all on horses. There's a lot of some people running around in between the horses. Well, it could be like a battle, you know, cavalry and foot soldiers. You're really into your history, aren't you? Some archers play, so they fire things up a bit. I like it's like in the gladiatorial battles,

when they'd have someone with a net. Well, how long's a game? Oh like your, I like, it's like with the gladiatorial battles when they'd have someone with a net. Well, how long's a game? Oh, I don't know. Oh, I think.

Rugby's 80 minutes, isn't it? Do they change ends at half time at rugby? Yeah. Not rugby, polo. Same thing.

Same thing. Basically the same thing. Posh people. Okay, I'm not condemning, I'm just condemning. I'm just saying I don't know about it. Should they?

The horse. How do the horses know they've changed ends at half time? I don't know. That's a good question. We can't answer any of these questions. Well, you've been. Well, I've been. This is my point,

is that you just sort of glance at it occasionally and it's lovely to look at. It's not, you're not sitting there. It's nominally about the sport, but actually it's a social day out. Well, I remember when I... When I had my 50th birthday party, I did a speech and I said there's seven women

in the audience. Oh, my God. In the audience. Listen to that. In the audience. Very telling, isn't it? They became an audience at that point who I've had a physical relationship with. Oh, you didn't. Were you dating someone at the time when you to that. In the audience. Very telling, isn't it? They became an audience at that point, who I've had a physical relationship with.

Oh, you didn't. Were you dating someone at the time when you said that? Yes. Oh, my goodness. And I said, they've all brought partners tonight. A lot of them are people I've never met in my life, and here they are, they get the same free food. Free food?

Yeah. And I said, I don't mind them calling me... I did, I have to say, I did use the word parasites. But in a light-hearted way. Yeah, yeah. And then... I'm sure that's how they would have taken it. And then at least one of them, of these men,

who's still at the ghetto, forbid an ex to ever see me again. of these men who are still at the gatto forbid an ex to ever see me again and I think possibly another couple as well who I just haven't seen because of this speech because of a bit of harmless horse pliers

as they say at the polo just a bit of a bit of bants a bit of a bit of bounce a bit of birthday bounce it's your special day you should feel allowed to make it what I would like to call a controversial speech we got a free party for goodness sake

it was all free you made a well meaning harmless remark about parasites I know but you know what I'm like I said it with a twinkle. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Of course, the Jim Bowen tribute,

they had one of those at the parents' marriage as well, to Charles and Diana's marriage. Did they? Keep out the black and in the red, you get nothing in this game, a three in a marriage. Oh, yeah. That's special.

Still missed. Yeah. So, yeah, so I think that it could, if I was him, I wouldn't refer to it in the speech, is basically what I'm saying. It's a word of warning from your birthday speech. Because no matter how light-hearted you are about it, that can go wrong.

I think the girls, come on, girls, hang back a bit. Hey, you've just given me an idea. Maybe the DJ that I think pitched for the job, he could put on Here Come the Girls as they come in. The exes could come in in sort of a swishy, like with nice hair. In a sort of Destiny's Child.

What about if it's slow-mo? If they come in in V formation. Oh, nice. I'd love that. That would be good. They've got to go for it, haven't they? If they're going to go.

It's a pity there isn't a show called Harry's Angels. Yeah. But, you know. We've had some polo news in. Oh, we haven't. We have, from 327. It's four a side.

Okay. Hold on. Is that four people and four horses or two men and two people? Oh, good question. I think the horse goes with the man. Okay. It's four a side.

Is it always men? A pony. I'm sorry, it's not horses, it's ponies. Is it always men, though? There are female polo players. You're absolutely right, and you were once, but it's not that common.

It's four a side, and you change ends after every goal. After every goal? That's a good idea. What? Such football people. What an upheaval. After every goal.

It is split into chuckers. Have you noticed I've got about 10% posher when I'm saying this? Chuckers are periods of time, are they? Exactly. And you change pony after each chucker. Wow. Swap them round? It's like musical ponies.

It sounds more like a game of musical chairs. They're not actually playing the game at all. They're just changing the furniture that they're on. Do they swap on to each other's ponies or do they have just loads of them lined up? Buy the 17th joker. They're all on one pony. And so it ends up. Poor thing.

But it's a lark. You've got to imagine what a lark is. Motorcycle display teams just with 25 people standing on a horse. I mean, for all I know it's a brilliant game. I've got to imagine what a lark is. Because motorcycle display teams just with 25 people standing on a horse. I mean, for all I know, it's a brilliant game. I've never seen it. I've never even watched it. It's never televised.

I've never seen. The posh people don't need the publicity. But even on Eurosport. I mean, I was at school. We never did it at school. We did volleyball about three times. But we never did. I think we did.

We did lacrosse. Did you? Yeah, it was lovely. I used to go out with someone who played lacrosse for... Oh, did you? What's the name of that... What's the name of the home counties beginning with H? Hertfordshire.

Hertfordshire, yeah. She played for Hertfordshire. In one. In one. Well done. Very good. She played for Hertfordshire at Hertfordshire, yeah. She played for Hertfordshire. In one. In one. Well done. Very good. She played for Hertfordshire at lacrosse. Oh.

She was Native American. She wasn't. But they invented lacrosse, didn't they? Did they? I think so. Do you know, we're getting so much lovely sporting knowledge today. I know, it's all coming out. Are you going to be dropping chokers in everywhere, Frank.

I have an idea that chokers used to make briefs when I was at school. People used to wear choker briefs. Does that ring any bells? Do you know, that does sound vaguely familiar. Yes. I don't know if they were named anyway after the Polo fraternity. No. I don't either.

They certainly look like jodhpurs after a few months. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think we should go to some, I mean, a tiny bit of trouble to just clear up that we aren't being classist

because I think we could be opening the door to sort of a little bit of resentful humour 393 has texted, dear Frank Allen and the fabulous Emily, in Polo do the players use jodhpurs for goal posts? Paul, avid reader Very good. The thing about the

classist thing Yeah Does it matter? no I'm really okay with some people who have you know old Etonians sitting around laughing about football and what I'm saying

it's fine it's called having different opinions and different backgrounds it's fine and I like to think of myself as a bridge to both worlds we've had... Oh, sorry, Al, you were going to say... Me too. I was going to ask a question. Yeah.

I have a good friend who's a proper cockney, very proper cockney, and is the only person I've ever met that said core blimey in a conversation. I had to stop the chat and rewind it and go, did you genuinely just say core blimey? And do really posh people say jolly hockey sticks?

Well, in fairness, you have said ebagom. Probably, yeah. But I think it was ironic. I doubt that they do say jolly hockey sticks. They say jolly. They couldn't say that. They might say jolly. They couldn't say that at the horse pole.

Look, you know, I believe I'm with the Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder. There is good and bad in everyone. If you learn to live, learn to give each other what you need to survive. We're going to have to pay the royalties on that now, aren't we? I don't mind helping him out. Someone else fell out with people after making the speech, Frank. Oh, yeah. 363.

Was it Enoch Powell? No. He definitely did. I just wasn't expecting that. Like the Roman I seem to see. I know, I do. Good reference, sir. Always stop at I seem to see.

That's where I like to leave Enoch's speech. 363. Frank Skinner. It begins. My niece's husband tried to crack a joke in a wedding speech about choosing your friends but you don't choose your family. It didn't go down well and some of his family

haven't spoken to him since. 10 years plus, John. I like that it just ends 10 years plus. That's quite a good idea actually. I might just write that down. If any of them are listening, Easter is a time for new actually. I might just write that down. If any of them are listening... See if I can shake some family off. If any of them are listening, Easter is a time for new beginnings.

Why don't we just put that behind you and just get back together again? Come on, guys. Oh. You know, nobody lives forever. How are the parasites doing? What's happened to you? Yeah, but they're different. They might not even be with those women now.

They're different. Oh, they're different. They are. If on one side of the seesaw there is free food and drink, then you've got to have a little bit of malice on the other side. Otherwise, life is a dull thing indeed.

Is that just the tax you pay? Yeah. Yes. I'm going to Frank Skinner's party with one of his exes. That is definitely the entry fee. It's a deal. I mean, I'm not going to lie. It's party with one of his exes. That is definitely the entry fee in the deal. I mean, I'm not going to lie. It's a course to humour. I would have loved it.

There's no point pretending. I thought you were... Were you not there? No. I wasn't sufficiently in a circle then. You weren't one of the Magnificent Seven. I know that. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. They've chosen a cake as well, Meghan Markle and Harry. They've chosen... M&M. Yeah.

They've chosen a... Let me describe it to you. It's going to involve spring flavours covered with buttercream decorated with fresh flowers. I mean, I feel like they're going to end up... Is it a composting? They're going to end up on a lot of side plates.

It's got a little stick of the dump cake. I'll tell you what it is. Except for the very drunk people eating the fresh flowers. That'll be the exes. I think you can eat fresh flowers. That would be me if I was the ex. I'd be in the corner squatting, eating the flowers, crying. Oh.

Yes. The organic lemon elderflower cake. Actually, you know my... You know my lost jewellery recovery... Oh, yeah, yeah. ...stories, which I like? All three of them, I suppose, have got... If you take the wedding ring...

Yeah. ...that Megan has, that's sort of their lost jewellery. Yeah. Hello? Lovely way of looking at it. In fact, Kate, who was split up with Prince William and then got back, she had lost jewellery recovery. Come on, back me up.

She did. Come with me. I'm there with you. I'm holding your hand. You can see my footprints in the sand. How many tears? I don't mean on the Xs, I mean on the cake. Have they said that?

I believe the Queen's was nine foot high. Oh, yeah, hers was a biggie. What about Queen Victoria? Nine foot wide, weigh 300 pounds. Yeah, but what was the cake like? That's why he's on the big books. Bit of beer to me and Lineker. That's why he's on the big books.

Bit of Beardsley and Lineker. You crossed that right onto his forehead and he just nodded it. It was a Beardsley-Lineker moment. Beautiful. Yes. Anyway, the thing about this cake, guys, it's taken five weeks. For them to decide? No.

Or to be made? To make it. They've made it already? No, it's going to take five weeks to make, I believe. So I wouldn't have thought the cake-making estimation could be that close, would you? Oh, no, I've got that wrong. Apologies. My personal self-correctiony, it took five weeks to make... Who are the other ones that got married?

Prince William and Kate's cake. Oh, yeah. It took five weeks, so that's what they're estim married, Prince William and Kate's cake. Oh yeah. It took five weeks, so that's what they're estimating it will take. I can't cope with this. No, it's very simple. That's what that cake took to make, so they're estimating it will take the same time for this one. Wouldn't you have definitely called Choccy Woccy Doodah? I wouldn't even hesitate, that's where you want, if you've got that kind of money, Choccy Woccy Doodah.

I don't know, Choccy Wocy Doodah. I don't know Chocky Wocky Doodah's work. Take that back. Are you kidding me? That was a popular reality TV series. There's a shop in Brighton. I think it's spread out now. Oh yes. And they make these incredible cakes out of chocolate.

So they could have had one. Oh yeah. I've got a vague memory. They could have had a whole royal family themed... And three exes. Yeah. They could have had the Queen Mother visiting the East End. Oh, wow. They could have done that in chocolate and it would have looked great.

They had, would it? The Queen... Lovely. I've seen my cake the Queen and Prince yes the Queen Mother visiting bombed out

East End not a lot of cakes with war depictions on them lovingly recreated in sugar the Queen and Prince Philip

most horrible cake in the world the Queen and Prince Philip had sugar they'd have camped it up a little bit now. They'd have given it a bit of a zhuzh. They apparently had sugar-iced figures

to depict their favourite activities. Who? The Queen and Prince Philip. On their cake, there were sugared-iced figures, or figures made of sugared ice, to depict their favourite activities. That's all I read. Well, that sounds a bit strange.

It does. I was glad it wasn't Prince Andrew. Well, even with those, I mean, there must have been a lot of Marzipan formed into Bloodsport themed shape. Watching the racing on the telly. Oh, look, a stag having its

throat slit on the top of the cake. How lovely. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio,

email the show via the Absolute Radio website or phone PensionWise, the pensions guide. Nice. Company man. It's all a good couple. You know, recently we had an email asking whatever happened to potpourri. Is it potpourri? Oh potpourri oh yeah we had somebody doing that

and i've read that uh harry and megan markle's cake is organic lemon and elderflower cake well i think we know what's happened to potpourri it's going in the cake isn't it i remember um a friend of mine uh was he was drunk but a bloke came into the pub with a big lovely buttonhole and he just ate it off his lapel I couldn't

see any, well he was a bit sick the next morning but we expected that I don't I think wildflowers if you get the right wildflowers I think they're fine to eat so I don't think you'dflowers if you get the right wildflowers I think they're fine to eat so I don't think you'd have to even pick them off oh yeah

I've had pansies and things in main courses lovely who knows what we've had yeah good point dandelions don't seem to hurt the rabbits I'll tell you what we have had we've had a texting an idiotic eureka moment.

You know these moments? When you realise something that other people haven't realised. Yes. You should have realised a long time ago. This I would call a biggie. Frank has just given me an idiotic eureka moment. Who knew in excess is pronounced in excess? I've seen it written a million times and never said it aloud.

They said INXS. Yeah. in excess I've seen it written a million times and never said it aloud they said INXS yeah that is what they thought it was inks what if that's what it is oh I don't we can't rejig it now after all these years

what if they work for like one of them worked for Quink and one of them worked for like Parker or something. Oh, yeah. And because they all work for various... Good luck with your lifetime career there. Yeah. So they thought, oh, no, we'll call ourselves Inks.

Yeah, well, I think it is in excess. I'm confident. I think I might have heard it said out loud by others. Oh, yeah. Even. 516 is also... Wow, that is a good one, though. Yeah.

516 is also informed as polo is the only sport that you have to play right-handed in the rules. Wow, that is... Well, that's a great fact. Shoot, that's got to change. Good fact. Oh, because it's discriminatory. Well, surely that's discriminatory.

Sport is discriminatory, though, isn't it? What about the Southpaws? Sport is discriminatory. That's just a though, isn't it? The Southpaws. What about the Southpaws? The sport is discriminatory. That's just a fact, isn't it? I saw Anton Debeck recently. He's on the telly this morning. Oh, yeah. Oh, there goes half our listeners. Which are? Debeck chasers, as they call them.

Like people that drive towards storms. There's a group of society that just follow Anton Debeck's every movement Debeck's on the telly go for it with beards and baseball caps get in the jeep Debeck's in town

but that is an example of a big moment do you think that his real name is Tony Beak yes I think that's a great big moment oh I did not know that oh you didn't know his real name was Tony Beak in fact it's just crossed the line

back into good info you know what it is instead of a big moment it's also crossed the line It's also a cross-eyed into idiotic eureka moment. Oh, Frank. I feel a bit let down. I asked him once on a show,

is it true your real name's Tony Beak? And he just said, um, not really. It's really vague. That's a strange response. I know. Clever.

Not really. And he's a very genial, nice, friendly bloke, but it was just a moment when, like, you know when the shadow of a cloud passes over the polo pitch? Yeah. It was like that. Is it a pitch?

Polo field, I think. Polo field. Court. It was like that. Is it a pitch? Polo field, I think. Polo field. Court. I'm calling it a court. Polo court. Do the horses... You keep asking me the question. Do the horses...

Keep them coming. Excrete mid-game. Horses never stop excreting. Well, they do stop. They must stop excreting. That's mice. That's mice. You've got them terribly confused. Horses never stop excreting. Well, they do stop. They must stop excreting. That's mice. That's mice. You've got them terribly confused.

Horses never stop excreting. Okay. The name of my new book. Yeah, I like it. Well, I won't be buying it. If that's an example of the content. I know you can't judge a book by its cover, but come on. You can.

Horses Never Stop Excreting by Emily Dean. It's not a real book, by the way. It's a bit like oranges are not the only fruit, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We should also talk about footy, yeah? Football.

Ah, who invented... That's a question I'd like answered. Who invented singing like that? Well, you and David, probably. You and David. Isn't it in the House of Commons it happens? No, I know it's... Listen, if I tried to sing without even thinking about football,

here we go. Where is love? If I think about football, where is... Why does that happen? I don't know. I know. Good question, though.

8, 12, 15, we've got a lot of different texts running. Why does that happen? Someone must have invented that sort of thing. That voice. Probably right. Anyway, Gareth Southgate, Rod of Ireland Southgate, as I will now call him. Cheer up, Gareth.

Yeah. He... I heard that. He banned the England squad from having Starbucks food and syrups in their cappuccinos. No toasties or cakes. In the hot pursuit of a 1-0 victory over the Netherlands. A methodical 1-0 victory.

Yeah. Well, the thing is, he's banned them specifically. I think it was the St George's Hotel, isn't it? And he's banned them specifically from having anything other than tea, coffee, sans syrup and bottled water. OK. How is this going to be enforced, though? Because it requires quite an in-depth knowledge of the England team

on behalf of the bad Easter. Oh, true. How would you know? Well, they have their England... Why do they always have to wear their shirt? They'll be wearing what I believe is now called their anthem jackets. Well, you raise an interesting point, because what if some of the more shrewd members of the England squad think,

I'm going to tiptoe upstairs and put on civilian clothes, come back down, buy myself a frothy coffee with a syrup, and then I'll go back and put on my anthem jacket. Or maybe a trilby and some joke shop goggle glasses. That's what I'd go for. If they put their civvies on, they'll all have a big NY baseball

cap and they'll have Beats headphones and a wash bag onto the arm. They'll still spot them. You're right. And a very tight black long sleeve top. Maybe with a bit of distressed action going on. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes, that's it.

It's a good point, and I hadn't thought about that, because it's not like he's told... I'm sure he has told them they can't, but he's also apparently told the staff not to serve them. But are they going to know... Who Eric Dyer is? Are they going to know Joe Gomez? He's the one I do... Who Eric Dyer is? Are they going to know Joe Gomez? He's the one I do know.

What about Jordan Henderson? I wouldn't know him. Harry Maguire, I imagine, is often down there for a rap or two. Would they recognise him? I think the problem is, it's a bit like they're going to be reduced to teenagers outside the off licence. What about...

Aren't they? Would you go in and get me a toastie, please? Will they do that to you? You know when they can only go in two at a time? School kids used to do it, the news agents. Hand-written sign. Only two England players allowed. And they had to go in in formation.

You had to go if the right back was in, the left back has to go in with him. You can't go in with a striker. I just don't like seeing them reduce themselves for a contra caramel latte. He didn't mention the big coin, which I believe is for sale. Oh, I thought that was your nickname for the gaffer. No. But can they have, are they allowed to have a big coin? I don't know about the big coin.

Well, he's left that, you see. I mean, it's a bit of a cheek from someone who did an advert for Pizza Hut. Now suddenly getting Mr Health Food. I had forgotten that. Now he's gone all Danny Drinkwater. I wouldn't have minded. I did a little pun.

I wouldn't have minded if it had been for a pension guidance service. But I mean, it was a private thing. I mean, respect to Emily for a Danny Drinkwater joke. I think that was a good one. Sorry I missed that, darling. What did you do? No, I can't do it again. What just happened here?

Just for me. I don't know. I have housekeeping to do as well. The fez is at my side. Go on, please. It was great. It was great. Would you not do it again?

You know what? Listen to the podcast. Oh, I'll never find the Danny Drinkwater reference. Oh, come on. Come on. I'm not going to the music. I don't like this pleading side of you. Oh, you'd be no good in the SNM community.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Have you heard of the acronym NSFW? It stands for Not Suitable for Work. It's what people put on, like, podcasts if they're swearing or sometimes they send emails that have images in that are not suitable for work is what people put on podcasts if they're swearing or sometimes they send emails that have images in that are not suitable for work. Yeah.

You know, at Starbucks, when they ask people their name and then they write on the cup with a sharpie, maybe the cappuccinos with the syrup in it are getting NSFW written on them for the England players because they're technically a worker. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good, Al.

So there's not suitable for work coffee now. Can I have NSFW? Forgive my ignorance, but what... We do. Next. What is the syrups? What are the available syrups? I don't know. I haven't got a sweet tooth either, but I'm...

Text in 8-12-15. What are the available syrups? Are you talking... OK. I don't want Elton John.. Text in 8-12-15. What are the available syrups? Are you talking... OK. I don't want Elton John. No, I was going to say... Trebon. Well, I don't think he's your best person to ask either.

No, dare I? Yeah, you're not allowed a syrup meant a different thing to Bobby Charlton than the current England team. I'll tell you what I've seen. They've got slightly French names, I find, some of them. What are they? I'm guessing vanilla. Hold your house. I'm about to tell you.

There's one with a banana represented on the front of the bottle. What is that? Banane cassis. That'll be a banana. Banane. Vanilla. Hazelnut. OK.

Those are the only three I feel confident of. I'm going to try one next week on this show. Are you? Are you? I mean, they sound vile, but I'm interested. You don't really like coffee, so you might as well add vile to something you don't like.

I might as well put something else in it, yeah. Oh, okay. A cappuccino with a syrup just makes me think the England squad are babies. I like that Frank thinks that's some really daring stunt. I'm going to try live on air

a syrup in a coffee all in a day's work. Just an ordinary Saturday morning for me Why is Gareth Southgate banning it on the weekend of the game or the week of the game rather than six months before He can't go to their homes

But how quickly does he think that the obesity is going to set in if they have a sugary coffee I know what you mean It's going to be like if they have a sugary coffee. I know what you mean. It's going to be like it's a knockout by the time of the match. They just go up like, remember that bloke in that James Bond film

when he puts the air hose into it and he just goes... It does tend to happen to footballers once they've retired. I think it can happen. Yeah, no names mentioned. Can I ask a question now? Raise the rudder.

Yeah. Can I ask, Starbucks. Yep. How was the, the symbol for Starbucks? Oh yeah. The mermaid.

The mermaid. Has it? Has got two tails. Has it? Yeah. What, you mean two... When you say tails, you mean backstories or physical tail? I mean, she's got...

You know how a mermaid tapers into a tail? Yeah. Well, she's like... She's forked, is what she is. So she's got a double tail. Careful. I'm the best not to do the joke. I know.

And on the picture she's holding up the two tails at shoulder level oh makes me wonder what sort of modeling she did in her earlier career but do you is it even a thing a two-tailed mermaid i assumed it was some neptune or poseidon take your pick type trident no no it's a leg okay i it was some Neptune or Poseidon, take your pick, type trident. No, no, it's a legs. Okay, I'm not going to fall out with you ever. Frank thinks she's Tails Akimbo. That's what he's suggesting.

Oh, do you? Do you remember Tails Akimbo? I think he was in Guys and Dolls. He was a gangster, but he wasn't one of the bad guys. He just did a lot of fetching and carrying. Yeah. No, she's holding up the two sides of her tail. She's got a double tail.

Anyway, if you've got any information on this, 8, 12, 15, and you won't be named for tax purposes. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've got some Starbucks mermaid info. Has she got two tails? The intel is coming in. 257 has said it's not a mermaid.

I think it's meant to be a siren seemingly calling you into Starbucks. Where you'll be dashed on the rocks. It does say to your death, perhaps, but I don't think... I didn't want to get a lawsuit from Starbucks. No. So I edited that out. They seem like they could be potentially a bit litigious.

You think? Do people actually... I've got a lot of money. Do people go into Starbucks for a meal? Table for two, please. No, is that the idea? That's what they're suggesting here. People say, let's go for a meal? Table for two, please. No, is that the idea? That's what they're suggesting here. People say let's go out for a meal.

What about Starbucks? No, I think it's more like an opportunistic, oh, we were having a coffee, but I could have a toasty and a slice of banana cake or something. I see. They do a hot food as well. Yeah. It just, I mean, I know there's food in there,

but I never think of anyone going there for food but i think i'm wrong i think they go for drinks and then just stick it on you know when you're in tk max and you see a bookcase yes and you think well i know they do sell other things but i'm still thinking you know not quite right love. Oh yeah. I love not quite right to swear as well. On you I mean. I mean we've had all sorts of explanations for this Starbucks creature I'm calling

her. Yeah. Whether she's a siren or a mermaid. The Starbucks name was chosen after a minor character from the novel Moby Dick and the logo was made to represent a seductive imagery of the sea hence the twin tailed to represent a seductive imagery of the sea, hence the twin-tailed mermaid, or a siren, as they traditionally appeared in Greek mythology. That's from 720.

So the sirens were twin-tailed. Who knew? Yeah. It looks a bit like she's putting her fingers in her ears. I'd leave it. I'd leave it. Just leave it what it looks a bit like. In her ears, fingers, as if someone's got loud music on. She goes, argh. Yeah. loud music on. She goes... Yeah.

That's what it looks like to me. I'd have thought, if you're a twin tailed... You know the old Splash thing with... Tom Hanks? Goldie Hawn? No, it wasn't Goldie Hawn, was it? Daryl Hannah? Yeah, Daryl Hannah.

Oh, yeah. It would be easier to pass off as a human being if you were twin tailed, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. All you need looks a pair of... Get yourself a pair of tracky bottoms from TK Maxx. Some big crops to stick on the end of each tail. Yeah, big...

Well, not a crop. You don't want anything to see through. Oggs. Good point, yeah. You've got oggs and a nice big baggy pair of things. Like Ronnie Wood. Who knows? Is Justin Ronnie Wood a mermaid?

I'm just saying he likes an ogg. What if we actually discovered in the course of Justin A and Chit Chat that Ronnie Wood is a mermaid. What if we actually discovered in the course of just denying Chit Chat that Ronnie Wood is a mermaid? This would be breaking news. He's got the lustrous locks. I can see him as a figurehead on the front of an old ship. He's got that. He looks chiselled.

I can see him like that. Like a smoking mermaid. Yeah. Mermaid with a fag on. Mermaid with a fag on, I know. Love that song. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We should say that Fabio Capello, he banned ketchup, I believe. Yes. Do you remember this? Yes, he banned ketchup, I believe. Yes. Do you remember this? Yes, he banned ketchup. And he also, he had a rule that the England players couldn't start eating until the captain had sat at the table. Oh, really? Didn't work well with that team.

One of my, if I was ever on Room 101 as a guest, one of the things I'd put in is having to wait. You know, when the food arrives. No, I've noticed you don't like to wait. No. I don't like that. Also, if you finish first, you get time to really study other people as they're eating, which I ain't like. Well, I was

once told by a friend of mine that the etiquette is to start eating with hot food. But I then realised that that friend eats with his mouth open and he's disgusting, so why am I taking advice from him on etiquette? It's because he's eating red hot food. He's not wearing a steam hat.

Maybe that's what it is. I don't know what the answer is. I think, isn't it a bit of a van... Remember the Van Halen? I know this is a big moment, but Van Halen, their rider was the no brown M&Ms. Yes. So they asked for a bucket of M&Ms, but no brown ones.

Right. And they weren't bothered about brown M&M's. Yes. So they asked for a bucket of M&M's but no brown ones. Right. And they didn't they weren't bothered about brown M&M's but they thought it was a way of just checking whether the people were attentive to detail. Yeah. And isn't this, what the managers do really is saying they're testing their authority

aren't they? Oh I see. Lee Dixon told me that when Arsene Wenger started at Arsenal he banned the jelly beans in the dressing room. Oh right. Because they had a big bowl and people would just grab

and fall on their way out to the pitch and him being a bit of a dietician Yeah. He knew that he'd get a dip after Very slim as well.

He'd get a sugar crash. Well he used to the other thing was he said they were in the hotel on the Saturday morning. They all got a call at about 10 o'clock. Hello, it's us then.

Come to the ballroom in your training kit. So Alan will meet you there. Sounds like some apprentice task. And it's, Arsene Wenger was there and they did an hour

of stretching. Oh, lovely. And he said none of the players wanted to do it but Arsene Wenger was there and they did an hour of stretching. Oh, lovely. And he said none of the players wanted to do it, but Arsene Wenger could put his legs behind his head. Oh, bet he could. You may remember, I think he later became the Starbucks mermaid. But once the players saw him do that, it became a competitive thing, so they didn't want the old geezer at the front to be more stretchy than them. Is that right?

Yeah. Clever bloke, Arsene Wenger. Yeah. He's never in now, of course. I always see the sign up. Wenger out wherever he... Poor old Arsene Wenger. As you don't hear these days. I was on the...

We done? I went on the Absolute Radio tweet thing. What would you call it? Twitter. Yes. And Sarah Champion's on there dancing to... Oh, I love her dances.

You never can tell, is it? Chop Berry, it's in Pulp Fiction. And she has a gift that I've never managed her facial expression looks absolutely natural whenever I dance I overthink my facial expression

I can never settle well I think there's only one way to see the proof of the pudding yes I have to it's what stops me dancing. I can't work out a facial expression. Well, I'm going to have a look because I have got a video of you,

which I took recently, dancing to incidental music from Doctor Who. Yes, will you check out the facial expression? It'll be self-conscious in the extreme. Someone's got to. Self-conscious in excess. Oh, yes. That's what I would say.

Thank you so much for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps,

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