The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - THE Maldives

Episode Date: January 17, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank tells the readers about a particularly upsetting game of ispy he played with Buzz and also has an update on the state of his feet. The team discuss which celebrity's are standing in this year's election and Em brings tales from the Maldives but Frank asks is it THE Maldives, or just Maldives?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Morning, Peter. Morning, Jim. Morning, everyone. So, yes. I'm back and I'm really tanned, but we won't talk about that yet. You are tanned. I was thinking about that when you arrived this morning. How did I look?

Golden brown. Oh, lovely. Text you like wine. Do you know what? Is it sun? Is it sun? Yeah. Don't mention wine.

It gets me upset. Okay, yeah. He brought it up. Can I, if I can just do about a type five on my tan. I think what's good about my tan is that it's now faded. I've had a week. It's calmed down. It's faded.

Wow, it looks... Imagine what it was like initially. Lovely. We shall. I'll tell you what, I thought, you know, there was a time that when you got back from a holiday in the Maldives with your tan, you were like a special person. But now there's so many people walking around with tans

they've got around the corner from that shop. That shop that Gail runs. You know Gail? Yeah, but Frank, that's why I intentionally, which you may have noticed, pulled up my jumper to expose my stomach this morning so you could see it was all over. Yeah, but you can get all over tans at Gail's place.

That's the whole point. Yeah. Yeah, so, you know what I mean? It's like seasonal fruit. It's not special anymore. So I've been in the Maldives. What have you been up to, Frank? Oh, I've... I went to the Chiropodist.

Lovely. Haven't been to that island. It's a Greek one. It's very quiet this time of the year. It's just below Italy. Excellent work. Exactly the same shape. It's, um...

Would you say... I say chiropodist. Would you say chiropodist? I think I might. I don't think I've ever said it. You've never said it at all? I don't think I've ever had the need to say chiropodist. There we go, that's it. Yeah, I say chiropodist. OK. I found it out. Never had the need to say it.

He's not going to go to a chiropodist. It's about 60 quid an hour. Look, I'm not going to go to the Maldives, but I can say it. I don't have to go everywhere I say. That would be a very tough one. Jupiter. I can say it. That's not how you measure your vocabulary. I've just never had a problem with my feet.

I've got a slightly sore toe occasionally. Why are you going to a chiropodist then if you've got perfectly fine feet? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're just going in a problem with my feet. I've got a slightly sore toe occasionally. I didn't say I had a problem. Well, why are you going to a chiropodist then if you've got perfectly fine feet? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're just going in and going, look at them. They must be the best you've seen all week. That'll be 80 quid, please. There you are. Do you take a cheque? Frank, how are your feet? I mean, they're

a little Middle Earth, let's not lie. Are they? Well, they used to be lovely, my feet, but, you know, as you get older, blah, blah, blah. I just get... Do you know how I know I need to go to the chiropodist? I often lie in bed, just gently rubbing my big toes against each other.

And if I can hear it... Why do you do that? If I can hear it through the duvet, then I know it's time to go. If I can hear... And that's when, then I know it's time to go. It's going to hear... And that's when you have to go and get smoothed. Have you not got a, what is it called, a pumice stone? How dare you say that? It's early in the morning.

A pumice stone. Oh, a pumice stone, yes. No, I haven't got a Tony Pumice stone. Frank, you want to get yourself down to one of those tanks. I was going to take you. Do you remember for a little pedicure where the fish eat them? The piranha-type fish. Yeah, but what worries me about them is how do they know

when they've finished the cosmetic layer and they're into the delicate flesh? You know, don't they think, as we all do, when we have a nice bit of pork, I have a bit of crackling, and then I'd like a bit of the nice pink tender stuff underneath. Before you know it, you might... Imagine falling asleep, checking out you've just cut two skeleton feet.

Wowee. Actually, that'd be a great... Wowee. As if it's happened. Could be a great sketch. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Um, yes. So, you've gone to the chiropodist. So, I went to the chiropodist. Hey, we've had a joke about it as well. A joke? We've had a pun.

You show me a man who laughs at defeat and I'll show you a happy chiropodist. Laughs at defeat. Defeat? Yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah. It's not from Ian Angle, who's usually our punner in chief. Yeah, he is. Stewie in Wallingham. Yes, that sounds the sort of thing a Stewie would say.

It's a bit Stewie. I bet it's a bit Stewie after the piranhas have finished your feet off down there. dewey after the piranhas have finished your feet off down there um yeah so i went to see him and he was he's a bit of a uh a bit of a celebrity type uh uh chiropodist celebrity foot doctor who else has he got on his well he wouldn't tell me but he said he got some high profile clients oh that means rusty lee that means that nails need trimming yeah um i bet rusty's i bet she's I bet Rusty's a size 8 and a half minimum anyway you know it's all work so I'll tell you what he said to me you know when people have their

he had a bit of material he said to me the thing is with he said don't worry about the fact you've neglected them a bit he said because with people I find their feet are the furthest thing from their mind. I mean, literally. Oh, very good. Did he say, I mean, literally?

Yeah, but what I really wanted to say was, well, actually, you don't mean literally, because that would be a straight equation between the mind and the brain, and there is some debate about that. But I didn't feel I wanted to go into it. And you could have said, I mean, I've thought of Jupiter this morning, that's further from my mind than it is. I didn't want to bring that up. Can I ask you something? Was he a bit of a self-styled, colourful character?

He wasn't completely that, but he had a bit of patter. Okay. In fact, it was the pitter-patter of tiny feet. But I tell you what he found, and this is a fact, what a walk down memory lane it turned out to be. You can do that with your feet, can't you? Yeah, you can. I can, yes.

They've been down memory lane many a time, my feet. They've been down worse places than that. They certainly have. But it turns out I have three corns. Oh, no. Obviously, I headed to the nearest fountain. Um, three corns! Yeah, no, I know. I know what the joke was.

No, but I've got three corns. How marvellous. I said to him, I thought, there hasn't been any corns since the 50s. Who has corns? Exactly. And I said, would I be able to buy plasters? Because I like anything that you get. Corn plasters. I love to buy the accessories, you know, for a year. Oh, I remember those. The Acoufamol. Carnation plasters. Yeah like anything that you get it's i love to buy the accessories you

know for i remember those carnation plasters yeah they're like those things that look like polo mints that you put on everything yeah do you like our nostalgic corn plaster material i think it's going quite well yeah i think so but um he said that they don't they're not that good corn plus they don't they're not that good corn plaster he said i'll just uh i'll just buzz them off so he just was with all that he had like a little uh like a sort of sanding machine oh do you know i haven't heard of anyone having corn in a long time i haven't got rickets apparently that's cleared up but uh yeah how lovely though and it was And it was the big toes that sent you there. Is that where the corns were, or were they in a different location? No, no, they were a bit further down.

That was just the dry skin. I shouldn't get into too much detail. So you've got foot problems you don't ever know about, and three of them... Well, they're not really problems, you see. He said sometimes they really hurt, but I had no awareness of them. But I just like the fact that, you know, other people are on Twitter, I've got corns and that suits me. That's how you communicate. Yeah. Corn circles.

I can't follow that. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had a few texts in from the outside world. Sharp. You know, I said that we usually get a text from Ian Angle. Is it Angle? Yes, Ian Angle.

We've established it's Angle, isn't it? Ian Angle, he's one of our regulars. Yeah. We said that he hadn't sent in the pun that we got from You Show Me A Man Who Laughs At Defeat and I'll Show You A Corruptice, but that is the sort of ilk. He's answered,

Alan, I just can't think of any corny jokes this morning. It's excellent. He's hit the floor. He's hit the floor running. Angles on fire. Excellent work. We also had a text, I believe Thomas Edison invented the corn plaster. What, a Thomas Edison text?

Yeah. Which is fair enough, he invented the text, almost, certainly. I like the fact that our readership now are listening and sending jokes that are fully a week later from when we've started them. It's great. Who sent that? 514. Is this about something that happened last week? Yeah, sorry.

Oh, okay, fine. Where were you last week? That's fine. Where were you? Why didn't you do the show last week? Why was that? Just read the text that happened last week. Is it because you're in the Maldives? Is it the Maldives or is it Maldives? The Maldives.

It's actually called the Maldives. Yes. Like the jam. What kind of a country? I was wrong. What kind of a country has a V at the front of it? What kind of a country? The United Kingdom.

No, that's not right. No, it's not called the United Kingdom. I think it is called the Falklands. Well, it used to be. No, it isn't, is it? Isn't it Groups of Islands? Falkland Islands, it's called. It's just Groups of Islands. Stop arguing, it's irritating.

Stop it now, we're not doing radio now, we're just talking. Can I tell you who will be able to help us, our readers? What? They'll know about the... Well, I think you're right, the prefix in front of a country, there must be some rule about it. The Maldives. Is there a, could you have a place that begins with I? Hmm.

A Maldives. I think it would be an, an island. Is it a group of islands? Yes, it is. So are the individual ones down as a Maldives? They're atolls. Oh. It doesn't include Bikini Atoll.

No. Okay. It's in the Indian Ocean, you fool. Well, in a way, we all are. I can't believe you're saying, what kind of a country is that? The. Yeah, let's go to The Spain for our holidays. Why not?

Okay. So, yeah, carry on. I've got another email that I'd like to bring to your attention. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, having listened to Frank being interviewed on Hawksby and Jacobs, one of TalkSport's more bearable shows... Oh. I hadn't read that.

That's a nice review. That is... I mean, it's true, but... Did you do TalkSport? I did do TalkSport, yeah. I noticed that he referred to their listeners as readers. What? Was this merely a slip of the tongue, or is Frank quietly trying to convert other stations and shows

to the terminology of his own? If so, it seems to be working, as on the self-same show, they've started to run a feature whereby they name a footballer from a bygone era, and one of the presenters has to guess if they at some point in their career played for Tottenham. The name of the game, Cockerel or No Cockerel, all the best from Paul in Amsterdam. Great text, Paul.

That's what you say every Saturday. See if he's going to turn up. Paul's in Amsterdam. Yeah. I'm listening to Absolute. Absolute, Amsterdam. It's a theme there. It's almost he's running his life like some crazy dictionary.

104 has texted, the Netherlands. Oh. Oh. What kind of a country is that? There's one for you. Well, Holland. Holland is what kind of a country it is. Who calls it the Netherlands outside of a scoreboard on the telly?

Only time they're ever called that. He's not having it is what he's saying. It's not a group of islands, either, is it? The Scotland should have used this in their independence drive. They're going to be called the Scotland if we win it. That sounds like abandonment. I think it sounds better. What, the?

The Australia. Much better. No. OK. No, and also, you immediately move yourself way down the alphabetical order. So when people are looking for their holidays, they go straight to the front of the book. They think, oh, Australia, that'll do. Yeah.

By the time they get to T, the Tasmania, of course, it's fine for the Tasmania. I don't know. They haven't even moved out of their section. Can you pass the book, because I want to book a holiday? Anyway. 841 has texted, the Wirral. Good work.

Yeah, I can accept that. I accept the Wirral. It's not many. You do get some of those. You get regional places, but country. The Canaries 249. To me, there's a certain insecurity. The Canaries 249.

Group of islands. Yep. I think it's probably called Canary Islands. And we've shortened it to The Canaries. Good ban, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. He has a story. Here's a story.

As you may know, I did some bedtime stories for CBeebies. I remember. 523 The Gambier. Yes. Pardon? 523 The Gambier. That was one of them. 699 The Salonista. 523 The Gambier was a little boy who lived in Norwood. No, I didn't do that one. Bedtime stories, yep.

Yes, I did the bedtime stories. And I managed to get Buzz to watch one last night. He's basically, I said, would you like to watch Daddy reading a bedtime story on the telly? And he'd say, no, I'll have Peppa Pig, please. Or I'll have Postman Pat. Or I'll have Paddington.

Just things that begin with P, mainly. But that's not actually got him to watch one, because it's quite hard being rejected for... Tell me about it. Well, you'd think having your dad on the telly reading a bedtime story

would feel like quite a special thing. Spoilt. But I'll tell you what I had a shock with. We watched Dombo. I recorded it over Christmas. Oh, it's absolutely traumatic. Well, I had no idea Dombo was so... I thought, you know, this is basically...

Well, we watched Pinocchio, as you know. I was telling you about what good legs Geppetto has. That's one of the most disgusting things you've ever said. Well I don't know why, I saw it as an inspiration to the middle aged man, that he can still look good on a makeshift raft

so anyway have you seen Dombo recently? The film? Well not recently, but I don't need to. It's horrific. Ten minutes in, his mother is sectioned under the Mental Health Act. I couldn't believe it. I thought, how do I explain this to her?

She's actually put in a thing with a sign that says, Mad Elephant. It's all goes a bit Jeremy Kyle. It is. It's terrible. And it's just, it's quite, I wish someone in the edit had said, Walt, Walt, keep it light, mate. It's for kids. Keep it light.

What do you say? Keep it light. Not like this bit. Oh, this'll be fine. Keep it, no. So, I, um, also struck me as well that she's called Mrs Jumbo

in the film. Oh, yeah? Um, which means that his name is Dumbo Jumbo. And I thought, if this kid ever gets involved in anything nonsensical, we know what the headline's gonna be. Yeah. So, um, yeah, but I'm, I'm, I was really shocked by it and it's made me wary now of,

um, full length animated features by the Walt Disney Studios. Well. Which is something I was looking forward to. I think every new parent, I say new, every old new parent, um, thinks, oh, great, we can watch Snow White. Oh, Frank, Lion King? Sickening. Lion King. Oh, Lion King's good. Well, I was going to do them in chronological order. Oh.

So Lion King's a way off. OK. I thought the old classics, you can trust that they would be all right. Oh, no. No, they're worse sometimes. It's quite the reverse. Bambi? Their sensibilities were different.

Well, Bambi, of course, I wouldn't even dare take that on. No. Even I knew that. So, if anyone's got any advice of a safe Walt Disney animated cartoon from the past, I'd love to do it, because I can't go through this again. There was a definite sense of exploited workers

at the circus as well. What? It's like a, sort of like, I mean, I know Walt Disney was It's like a, a sort of like, I mean, I know Walt Disney was famously right wing, but it felt like sort of one of those old communist propaganda movies. These guys knocking

big tent pegs in, you know, in the, at twilight. You are watching it through slightly different eyes. There's history in the prism of your rather

extraordinary worldview. Well, Buzz did look across at me and say, are you all right with this? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 156, the Isle of Wight.

Yeah, we're getting quite a lot of... Is it the Isle of Wight? Is it actually called Isle of Wight and we've added the the? No, it's the Isle of Wight. OK. People say in the British Isles, the United Kingdom. Yeah, but I say the ecstasies when I'm talking about that drug. But I don't know if you're supposed to.

Does he take the ecstasies? He looks like one of those. But I don't know if you're supposed to say it. My mum says he looks like he takes those e-pills. Yeah. Well, yeah. Those are the most pills you get on the internet. We've also had 760 has texted... Can I say absolute right, Joe?

It's anti-drugs. Can I make that clear? Have they said that? I haven't been sure. I'm guessing. I'm guessing. I'd be stunned to look in the manual and find, by the way... Well, I'm interested in freshly told you to broadcast that. I don't think you should. No, no, I'm guessing. I'd be stunned to look in the manual and find, by the way... Well, I'm interested in freshly told you to broadcast that.

I don't think you should. No, no, I'm guessing. Holland is the biggest country... biggest county in the Netherlands, brackets by far, so people call in the country Holland... So people call the country Holland, but it's actually the Netherlands. It would be like calling England Yorkshire.

So much most Yorkshiremen probably do. That's fascinating, isn't it? What's another county in the Netherlands? Delft. Enschede. I don't know if that's a town that I've been to. I don't know if it's a county. I reckon it is, isn't it?

She delved deep there, didn't she? They're very flat. They're all so flat, I thought it must have been joined. I don't know. Maybe 760. Oh, hang on. I heard a thing by... Who's the guy who did the book about the North Circular Road? I can't wait to read that. Anyway.

This is a strange piece of radio. He said he was driving through East Anglia, he said there was large... You don't know how flat it is, do you think? He said there was large stretches of land looking like there was auditioning to be a golf course. Very fine, I thought. Anyway. I don't want to upset the Nazarene.

Not my words, but the words of 760. But what about the Vatican? Isn't that a country? Well, it's... Hashtag GCSE geography. I think it's called... Vatican City. Yeah. Or is that something from Space Patrol?

Vatican... Yeah, the Vatican is probably the building itself. It used to be the Papal States. But then again, we might have added the... Oh, this is all very confusing. Isn't there a geographer in the house? Can I just say... That's something you don't hear called out of the all very confusing. Isn't there a geographer in the house? Can I just say... That's something you'd only be called out of the theatre very often.

You wouldn't be my friend of friends. There's a man collapsed, but we can't find him. Is there a geographer in the house? Apparently he's on very rough terrain. So, um... Oh, I tell you what, I was playing I Spy on the boss this week. I'm talking a lot about, um, uh, about my child this week, but I was on the boss. You've got to stop splashing out on those toys, Frank. Yeah, he was, um, he

was sitting behind me and I was sitting in front. There was, there was others in the group. It wasn't just me and him. Very strict parent. And he was, yes. And he, I was on the elderly and infirm seat. I didn't think he'd qualify. No, and he was playing I Spy behind me. And he can't spell. So I Spy is tricky.

What's wrong with him? You know what they're like, the kids today. I'll still be saying this when he's 11. So I could hear... He does colours, so he says, I spy with my little eye something beginning with orange. And then you have to look for orange things in the room. OK.

So he's sitting behind me and I heard him say, I spy with my little eye something beginning with grey. My heart. Sank. And I thought it couldn't be. And I was looking desperately around the bus for any grey stuff.

And then he said, daddy's hair. Oh, man. The unkindest cut of all. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've been asking for... Well, have we asked?

Have we even asked for, like, islands that are grouped as the, like the Maldives? We haven't really asked, have we? Well, I'm wondering if there's any countries actually called the, or if we add the the for convenience. Well, we've just received what I think may be one of my favourite texts since I've been doing the show from 760. Whoa, what a build-up. Hold on, let me get some music. This is going to be embarrassing. It's not going to live up to that. While you're on the subject of the Netherlands, if you still are,

how about The Hague, which is also in the region of Holland? And this is my favourite part. This is fun. I just really like this is fun. I don't think we've ever had a text that ended this is fun. Does he mean it? I'm not sure. Oh, you see, that's the trouble with text. You could be saying, this is fun. See, if a guy texts me that, yes, I use text, not texted, because I'm young. Okay. If a guy texts me that, I'd hate this is fun. That would really worry me. Especially if you, you know, in the context of the Netherlands,

this is fun. Oh, yeah. It sounds like... Yeah. Have you done gigs there? Have you done stand-up in Holland? I've never been to Holland. Oh, wow.

If you want to spend an hour having your jokes stared at, then that's the place to go. Okay. I do. I really enjoyed this. I don't have to go that far. I can get the tube and have that. As far as I can stay in.

You can come here. Yeah, and indeed come here. 249 the North Pole. The North Pole. Or is it just a pole? It's a pole. Poles apart. It's a pole, isn't it?

Poles apart? Is that a 1970s sitcom? Probably. It's incredible there hasn't been one about East European immigration called Polls Apart. It's sort of light-hearted. Well, I'm going to write that. Please don't write it. Please don't. It'll be fine. Play a long song, you could knock up a treatment.

Polls apart. Alan, if there's one thing we can guarantee't. It'll be fine. Play a long song, you could knock up a treatment. That's a pun. Alan, if there's one thing we can guarantee is it won't be fine. 760 has texted us, Frank. You know the one who said... Have you seen my other sitcoms? I'm sensing that you have. You know 760 who texted, this is fun?

Yeah. He's just texted to say, I proper mean it. Hashtag honesty, best policy. Oh, well, there you go you see brilliant yes that's like one of those romantic texts that you get and you think they're being sarky or whatever

and how lovely if you could just text and say do you mean it and they'd come back and say proper honesty best policy wouldn't life be lovely and simple the Galapagos pardon? the Galapagos. Pardon? The Galapagos. Bless you.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran is what you're listening to. And you can text us on 812 15 if you want to be part of the experience. Obviously

if you don't text us and you're listening, you're still part of the experience. But I mean you'll be heard. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio Webby. Alright, Keith Shagwin. Try the Webby.

We're discussing this morning on Absolute Radio, there's a sort of inadvertent text that has been set up, which is whether you can say the in front of a country. Yeah, it's confusing, I think, because I think there's a colloquial thing where you say the Maldives, and maybe it's not called that officially. Well, 760 says, just wondering how many examples Frank is going to need

before admitting the word the is part of some place's names. The Shetland Isles, the Isles of Scilly, etc. Well, you call them that. And, well, I try not to read out texts that are too laddy because I think we have a certain tone for the show and this one just Send it, just forward it to Talk Sport No, I think this one is just on the right side of Luke

Well, I'll be the judge of that 462 Dear all, I spent a decadent month on the Cook Islands back in 98 with a fine young filly I'd met the previous month while meandering round New Zealand. When did he do it? 98.

OK. Of course he did. Those were his best years. Oh, marvellous. A fine young filly. And that's from John in Brentwood. Let's hope he's not in the car with his now family and he's driving somewhere.

Maybe the fine young filly is now his elderly companion. What if we find out that we're misjudging him and he's a racehorse trainer? Right, then he'll have the last laugh. Yes. Well, I'll tell you what happened this week.

What? I lost me back door keys. I thought that was going to be the news just interrupting the show. I'll tell you what happened this week. Well, this lost me back door keys. Oh, I thought that was going to be the news, just interrupting the show. I'll tell you what happened this week. Well, this is news. News in arrows. I hate losing keys like that. I hope you found them again. I always imagine, don't

you? I mean, I don't know what the chances this are. I always imagine if you lose keys, house keys, they'll be found by the member of a crime syndicate. I never thought they'd be found by a person who thinks there's some keys. They don't have any be found by a person who thinks he has some keys. They don't have any name or anything on them, so they're just keys.

Isn't there always a slight bit of doubt that you left them in the door and somebody passing saw them? Oh, well, it was in the back door, but, you know, you never know. It could be a burglar passing across our garden. Funny things, keys, aren't they? I mean, I just think they feel quite... It feels quite primitive.

It's quite barbaric. Like, lovely big home you've quite, it feels quite primitive. It's quite barbaric. Like, lovely big home you've got, little bit of metal. Yeah, you're right. I was promised hoverboards. You're right. And even if, also, the idea that these criminals get in my keys, it suggests that burglars have turned up at people's houses and gone, oh, it's locked.

Which probably, you know, they probably don't stop at that. No. I mean, I could be wrong. Maybe there are burglars that just try doors. If I was a burglar, that's the sort of burglar I'd be. Yes. Just in case anyone was wondering. If I was a burglar and you were a lady,

would you marry me anyway? Come on, everybody, would you be my... Do you keep your keys? Where do you keep your keys? Do you keep them in your... Well, you think I'm going to tell you that? Broadcasting to the nation. Yeah. No, but I'm saying, where do men, because you don't have handbags, do you just have to have keys in the front pocket? I just wear briefs. I just pop

them right in there. Well, that means, what do you have in your pocket, Frank? A brief won't hold small pieces of metal. I don't know if you ever put loose change into a lap dancer's... Yes, I think we all know he has. OK, exactly. 50 pence and no higher. 50?

No, it's... High roller, it's got... No, when I found them, I found them in... Boz has got a doctor's case. Oh, lovely. With, like, a st, I found them in... Boz has got a doctor's case. Oh, lovely. With, like, a stethoscope and stuff in it where he carries out experiments. And he'd put them in there.

So he'd taken them away like a young magpie. But it was a terrifying... I've got a friend who prays to St Anthony if he loses anything in the house. What? St Anthony is the patron saint of lost things. Is that right? So a lot of people, certainly a lot of Catholics, if they lose anything in the house. What? St Anthony's, the patron saint of lost things. Is that right? So a lot of people, certainly a lot of Catholics,

if they lose anything in the house, they say, oh, St Anthony, can you... You're the great finder of lost things. I think the story is that he had a prayer book stolen and he got it back. I think I read an interview with Richard Dawkins and he just looks for his... Does he?

Yeah. Well, I find my cleaner is the finder of lost things. Oh, OK. Yeah. Not St Anthony. Oh, it's not St Anthony. OK. St Anthony, of course, his career was a bit knocked about

by the Bermuda Triangle scandal. He never really came back from that. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Uh, Frank, I think... I like Trevor McDonald.

I just had a fax come in. Queen's still alive, apparently. Fax coming. Tell them to keep me updated on the hour. Who's the fax from? Max Hedren I think we need a bit more politics on this show It's too much Bieber, not enough manifesto Well, I'll tell you what I'm very excited by

There's all these celebrities getting into politics now Fez I mean, I know I say celebrity but he, did you see this? He launched an election campaign for the Reality Party. Yes. He gave away free beer. And he held up a sign.

The beer doesn't involve any fracking, I think. No, there's no fracking. And he held up a sign saying, join the revolution. Yeah. I think he might need to workshop that slogan. I feel maybe it's been used before. Russell Brand must be furious. Actually, the title of feel maybe it's been used before. Russell Brown must be furious. Actually, the title of his party might have been used before, hasn't it? Yes. Wasn't it the reality party's too close to the realist party?

And he then, he missed the deadline. Who'd have thought Bez missing the deadline? Yeah. I suspect he's up with the lark doing his tax returns. Good ban, though. Good Manchester ban, the lark. He's got a lot on at the moment. So he missed

the deadline. So unfortunately he's now not going to be able to stand for election year. I'm sure he's got... Due to an administrational error, which is not... I mean, that just doesn't seem very Bears in an administrational error, does it? It's a pity, though, because he could have a really good in-built campaign, because he was the dancer

famously in Happy Mondays wasn't he? Yes. Which is what he's described as dancer. I don't remember him doing that much dancing. I remember him walking backwards and forwards with some maracas. He did a bit of sort. Yeah he did do some dancing. Did that make him a dancer? Do you think Louis Spence is

reading it and going oh he's a dancer like me. Good Louis Spence impression if you don't mind me saying. Thanks very much. That must have been half an octave. Octave. But, you know, I think if he was to go for politics, he could straight away go, well, I was in the Happy Mondays. All right, Happy Mondays party.

From now on, we'll have Happy Mondays. Instead of you kind of going back to work going, oh, we'll create like a budget where you can have a nice breakfast on a Monday. I think he's a bit more serious about it than that. Yeah, I think he is. No, because I heard, he gave quite an impassioned speech. Did he? He was talking about

the government and he said, we've got to fight them with peaceful means. Which I liked. That's very cute. And then he said, they've got all the kit. We've got nothing. They've got all the kit. He said about David Cameron, I liked. It was really cute. And then he said, they've got all the kit. We've got nothing. They've got all the kit. He said about David Cameron, I believe.

They have got all the kit. We've got to do it with a ballot box. Does he mean nuclear weapons? I don't know. I think he might, yeah. He described it as all the kit, yeah. Anyway, he sounds like he's missed his turn. It's all gone a bit,

to quote one of his colleagues, it's all gone a bit Pete Tong. Yes. Poor bass. But he wasn't the only one. Was he, boys? No. Sensational news for Planet Rock. Yeah. It's Al Murray's to stand.

He's not standing Al Murray, he's standing as the pub landlord. Can you do that? Can you stand as someone else? Are you objecting because he's the pub landlord? No. He's an island. No man is an islander. Exactly, soing because he's the pub landlord? No. He's an island. No man is an island this age. No, exactly. So he can't be the. Maybe he's a group of islands. Yeah.

I think of Al as more of an isthmus. Yes. Free United Kingdom party. But can you stand under an assumed name? I thought that wasn't allowed. Screaming Lord Such. I'm not sure that was his birth name. Well, he was called David Such. That's a question, though, isn't it? In the age of political... No, I'm not sure that was his birth name. Well, he was called David Such. That's a question, though, isn't it?

In the age of political... No, it's not. No, but here, in the age of political correctness, how can you get away with having a party called the Monster Raving Loony Party? I don't think you can any more, darling. Well, they are called that, officially. They're not still around, are they?

They are, they still stand. Hasn't anyone involved in the mental illness business said well you can't call it you can't call it that like dumbo's mother dumbo's mother when she i mean i mean i don't think she's any longer with us but her descendants and they've all got good memories as we know. I must think a bit disrespectful to Mrs Jumbo's memory. No, I'm amazed they can call it that. I think they slipped through, though, didn't they? They slipped under the net because it was...

Political collectiveness, they're not thorough enough. I've often thought that. Yeah, the old PC brigade. I've often thought that when I've watched my DVDs. Frank, you're like Jim Davidson, you call them the PC Brigade. I am not like Jim Davidson. A little bit. Neat, neat.

So, can I tell you, well, do you know what the pub landlord is calling for? He wants one pea pints. The pound will be worth £1.10. I like that as an idea. And grease is to be bought and operated by Kent County Council. And lock up the unemployed. Bad news for GMTV presenters. Oh, one pay a pint as well.

You know, it's the time when binge drinking has become a problem in this country. I mean, come on. We'll come back to this, I think. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. You know, we've been discussing, well, obviously you're aware of this,

but we've been discussing the pub landlord and the bears both running. Well, they're both... I don't think Bears is running any more, is he? He had an election campaign and this is no longer happening. I'll tell you what worries me. I love Al. He's a very, very nice chap and fabulous company. But I am worried.

Don't take this the wrong way. I'm worried that it might be a publicity stunt. What? I know. You mean he might not genuinely make beer a penny a pint? Well, I... What happens if, when you go into one of these things for a bit of a lark...

Yeah. What happens if you won? I know. What would... Would he then give up his comedy career and move into... And be a regular and pay in the house? Well, would you have to?

You could stand down. As in, stand on Margaret, stand on Queen, stand on Margaret. But... Can I be honest? I think the average stand-up would make a better MP than most people who'd risen up through local government. But can a stand-up

stand down? Oh, very good. For example, Frank Skinner, I actually think you would make a really good mp you know i've always thought that you're a fundamentally decent man you have like i like your cheap suits i won't lie you've got a lot of suits yeah don't you think though al definitely you could like politics could have you on like a bosman transfer you take all the showbiz suits imagine in birmingham you'd wipe the floor. Yes, well, I've done that before. Not deliberately, but it's

while I've been being dragged. That was in Flair's nightclub, wasn't it? Is this one of your manifesto speeches? I'm going to get more floor wiping. I feel partly responsible. Oh, it'd be terrible. I think Al is quite a competitive bloke. I think he's gone into it for a bit of a laugh and then when it comes to the campaign, I think he'll

get a bit like he wants to win. I remember him during the Crisp Wars. The Crisp Wars? The famous Crisp Wars. You've got form with him, haven't you? Yeah, when he was steak and ale pie. Oh, you have beef with him? Yeah.

Oh, very good. Yeah, so it's interesting. Just think if it happened, if he won, would he actually take it on? Would he do the things that he said he would do, which is brick up the Channel Tunnel? What if he had to do all the things? That would be interesting, wouldn't it? Well, this thing about locking up the unimplied, if you made beer a penny a pint, you'd have to lock up the unimplied anyway.

And indeed most of the rest of the population. I think there should have to be at least one celebrity every election. It's just like the Hunger Games or something, they get picked. So like Jeff Brazier, it could be his year. Yeah, I think I can see Jeff Brazier taking it. I lived in Sanwell East, I think it was called, in the West Bromwich area, and Andrew Folds was my MP, who was a former actor. Oh, yeah. And then I moved to Hampstead in North London,

and Glenda Jackson was my MP, former actor. We'll be back in a minute with Frank's former MPs. But not only that... And he moved to America during the Reagan era. No. But they were both... And he moved to America during the Reagan era. No. But they were both in the same film, even. They were both in Ken Russell's Women in Love, as if I'd gone on a fabulous Ken Russell-themed tour

to have them as my MPs. So there is a record of proper celebrity MPs. I just don't know if Ali's taking it that seriously. I could be wrong. Eh? I've been wrong before. When was that? That's this it that seriously. I could be wrong. I've been wrong before. When was that? That's this week's texting.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. So I won't be standing is my point in the election.

No, you'd be really good. The truth is, no-one looks good in a rosette. Don't you think? Now you tell me. Is that a motto of yours? I think that is my motto. Unless you're like a pork pie at a country fair. You know what?

You've got your pose all made from the 90s with the three lions' fist. Sort of come on. Who should be? Who would you vote for? Well, I think there could be an argument for Mickey Flanagan as London Mayor, couldn't there? That'd be good.

I could say that. And London have got a bit of history. They've got a bit of history for that because I think Boris Johnson got famous by Have I Got News For You, couldn't they? That'd be good. I could say that. And London have got a bit of history. They've got a bit of history for that because I think Boris Johnson got famous by Have I Got News For You, didn't he? Really. That's how he kind of found common ground with people. And Mickey could do that, couldn't he?

Alright people, it's time, isn't it? I knew it was coming. My stomach, I haven't actually breathed out for about a minute now. He was never going to mention him unless he had an impression, obviously. No, it's a very good impression. I'm going to do them all. I'll do them all.

Give us a bit more, Mickey. No, I'm not going to. Hey, hey, hey, come on. OK, what about I genuinely would vote for David Mitchell because he seems a very bright man and very funny. Right. OK? Yes, I can see.

I can't really do him. Oh. I can see that. The thing that impression him. Oh. I can see that. The thing that impressionists never see. Can you see that? I think he'd be great. Yes, I think that's a fair point. Joe Swash.

I'd vote for. Keep it real. Yeah. Robert Kilroy Silk. Keep it insane. I think he's already done it. Oh, yeah, we tried that. He's done it already.

What worries me about Joe Swash is, you know, when they go out into the town centres and pushing it and his followers are handing out stickers with his name on them, who will they refer to those stickers? Swash stickers. Oh, you can't say... LAUGHTER You can't say we've been handing out swash stickers.

I fell into your trap! You did. That's beautifully done. What about that? The cockerel is now hanging upside down from a palm tree by his ankle. I've got to go and cut him down. God, it must be great having someone stupid on the show that you can just constantly lay out traps for. Yeah, we enjoy it.

What about Nancy DiLoglio? Oh, I'd love her. Can you stand if you're not British? Oh, she's a lawyer. Oh, she's Italian. Great debate. Do you have to be born in Britain to stand in British elections? I don't know.

Oh, I don't know. Can I point out, I'm not saying that you should be. Isn't the woman from the Green Party a Martian? She's a Martian. So she's in the Green Party.

Well, we don't know. I think she's in the Green Party. Yeah. Well, we don't know. I bet the monster Ravenlooney's been going longer than the Green Party. It's been going longer than the Lib Dems. Probably. Well, definitely. The Lib Dems is relatively recent. It used to be the Liberal Party. Yeah, but it's all formal now.

The day was, in their day, you could just turn up in a faux fur coat and a hat. There was no faux fur in their day. in their day. You could just turn up in a faux fur coat and a hat. There was no faux fur in their day. I saw Screaming Lord such live at Wembley Stadium. Really? Carried on in a white coffin by six

topless women. I'm not voting for that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank, can we please talk about my holiday? Yes. I've been sitting here waiting so long for you to talk about cities and MPs.

You have been showing slides throughout the show. All I've wanted to do is talk about this. I liked it when you put that one on where you were upside down and then, oh, silly me. I think that was deliberate. And then I said, oh, no, you can't see that one. Yeah, exactly. Whoops.

I don't know how that got in there. It's good, that. That's why we've played so many long songs today, innit? Please, can I talk about it? Go on. Maldives? Yeah. The Maldives.

I went to the Maldives. I went Maldives. The Maldives. I went to the Maldives. I went Maldives. The Maldives, in case you're wondering, is a 1960s female vocal group. Do you remember they did that one? Oh, he's my baby, he's my baby, and I love him, and I love him. Remember that one? No, because it sounds awful. I headed over there with my companion

None of your business And none of your business Companion? Yeah, none of your business We went first to duty free You've got to go to duty free Do you ever have a coal fire as a child? No, we had central heating all my life

We had a coal fire You're an outside toilet. You get those things that hang next to it. We did have an outside toilet. More hygienic. I've always maintained that. And you get... That's how you justify it's a cat. There's a metal stand at the side,

and you have a po-cat and a pair of, like, claws for kicking up. Oh, I know exactly what you mean, Frank. I know it. You know what it's called? I don't know. I don't. It's called a companion set. It's not. Oh, is it? So did you take one of those with you?

No. But Daisy says my companion sounds a bit exotic, best exotic Marigold hotel. Well, a travelling companion, of course. People used to advertise for those. I'm imagining it was a young girl who basically carried your portmanteau. Imagine away. OK.

So we went to Duty Free first, as you have to start the holiday on Duty Free. Was Keith Barron there? No. I was very, I loved Duty Free though, Frank. I didn't know it still existed, Duty Free. I wouldn't even think to go on Duty Free. Well, of course you wouldn't. I honestly

wouldn't. Of course you wouldn't. Isn't it full of stuff that you get free anyway? I leave an hour to do Duty Free. But isn't it all't it full of stuff that you get free anyway i leave an hour to do duty free but isn't it all makeup and stuff and you get that free you should have a shop there called free which you're just going and get your makeup from and then you can't take it you can't buy more than uh 100 mil well 50 um my 50 yeah my companion needed a baseball cap. So, um... You wanted a baseball cap? Yes, because of the sun. You know, sun protection.

Okay. Went into, I don't know what it was called, it was one of the chains. And went in there, there was a rather surly looking woman, I'm not going to lie, at the till. Said, oh, you know, I said, I'm looking for, um, baseball caps. She said, what? She's looking for baseball caps? She said, no, we ain't got them. Said, okay. So I was a bit disappointed.

It was about to go on our way. As we turned left to go out the store, saw an entire wall with, I'd say, 50 to 70 baseball caps. All in one section. I mean, so, of course we chose one. How much was I looking forward to this moment? Yes. I put it on the counter. It was very

divorce papers. It was very lawyer handing them divorce papers. See. I put it on the counter. It was very divorce papers. It was very lawyer handing them divorce papers. See, I would have walked out with it. And I saw you said, you told me you didn't sell them. I imagine they're so complimentary. It was very j'accuse. I said, oh, it turns out you do do baseball caps. She said, they're in baseball caps.

What? Had New York Yankees on it. I said, it is a baseball cap. She said, no, that's called snapback. That's called snapback. She's a purist. So I said, I would call that a baseball cap. You know what she said? Well, I don't play baseball. How do I know? It's the truth. She's not a purist. I'll take it back. Which airport was this? Gatwick. I'm not going there again. I thought it was the Maldives. airport was this? Uh, Gatwick. I'm not going there again. I thought it was the Maldives.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So, we left duty free after that unfortunate incident. That's a terrible story. It was terrible, but we didn't, we thought, you know what, I don't want that to Andrew Mart our holiday. No. And we didn't let it. No, fair enough. So, um, lovely flight. Um. Oh, okay. Yeah, very nice. I guess it was in the cabin on the way back.

Pilot? No. Um. Ooh, I don't worry. I'm skipping to the end of the holiday just briefly, because I love, um, I might do this when I tell the anecdote for the next hour. Is it a celebrity? Can we guess?

Can we guess? Yeah, celebrity, celebrity. Cher. No. Magnus Magnusson. Why did you say Cher? It's not going to be Cher. It's a guessing? Can we guess? Can we guess? Yeah, celebrity. Celebrity. Cher. No. Magnus Magnusson. Why did you say Cher? It's not going to be Cher. It's a guessing game.

I don't even think he's in that one. I just thought I'd start with a guess. Yeah. Matt Damon. This is going to take hours. Eric Cantona. This is silly. I'm guessing.

You said I was going to play the guessing game. Les, Les Gray from Mod. No. I Saw a Man. Gary Davis. No. Steve Davis. No. It's a guessing game. I'm enjoying this man... Gary Davis. No. Steve Davis? No.

It's a guessing game. I'm enjoying this. Bet Davis. Go on. No, but... Okay. I saw... He seemed to have a sort of Maharishi pant or something.

Fake shake. And I saw him holding a little boy, a little blonde kid. I'm not guessing at this stage. And I said to my companion, I said, oh, isn't that man lovely? He was like the dream handsome dad, you know what I mean, with the child. He walked back, I went, oh, my God, is Mark Owen? It was Mark Owen. It was Mark Owen it was Mark Owen

my voice was like that the rest of the flight I reckon I was about three guesses away from Mark Owen I was so excited I couldn't believe it was Mark Owen

bear in mind I was hogged by Mark Owen for Christmas I went up to the I went up to the cabin crew it was so embarrassing I said I'm just

really excited Mark Owen's on and she just looked at me like we can't discuss celebrity's names oh okay she's's taken some kind of hippocratic she didn't say that but that was the look that she gave me and then i eventually i just went on and on about him and she went yes it is exciting i was just staring at him well on staring well were you one of those up the back of the seat like kids Like a kid on a bus. With their elbows on the headrest. Just staring.

Maybe playing ice-ball. Alright, are you? Alright. Anyway, we haven't even got to my villa yet. Well, that's alright. There's no rush. Okay. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. If you'd like to contact us, why not text us on 8 12 15, or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm talking about my holidays. I've been talking about this for about half an hour now.

Don't try and stop me. I won't talk about it for too much longer because it is irritating for people. But I need to tell you about, well you can choose, would you like to hear about the Russians or would you like to hear about how Frank was mentioned? I think that how Frank was mentioned. I was more interested in the Russians.

We can come back to the Russians. I think we probably will eventually. What about when I was so spoiled I actually found myself saying I mean how long does it take to get an ice bucket? You're not still doing the challenge. That's

gone. You've got to let that go. So we were talking Don't even know what a snapback is, I mean, catch up Honestly We were talking to the people, the manager actually, Lyle Very charming Australian man Lyle Yeah, he ran the place

I said, oh, who are the worst nationality, go on Because I know there must be And he went, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, you're right Pretty much the English What? Oh, it And he went, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, you're right. Pretty much the English. What? Oh, it was awful. Yeah, well, that sounds awkward. Anyway, then we were talking about celebrities.

Oh, the land. What's happened to the land of Shakespeare? The dream celebrities that they would like to have out there. Mm. And we were talking about names. They mentioned James Corden. They mentioned Chris O'Dowd, which I thought was quite strange. And obviously, we're on the subject of comics.

I thought, well, I'll mention Frank. I said, what about Frank Skinner? She said, yeah, I love Gino DeCampo. Oh. That's my stage name, of course. She kind of looked a bit, she went, oh, yeah, I love Gino DeCampo. Probably never heard of me. No, I think she had.

She hated me. But I think she was more excited about Gino DeCampo canada yeah i think most women would be more excited about gina de campo i know but i would be more excited to have you over there thank you emily thank looks genuinely upset by that i think we should have gone with the russians yes my own fault yeah i know you chose it should have gone with the russians you know i love the russians in many ways You chose it. I did, yeah. I should have gone with the Russians. You know, I love the Russians in many ways.

What I'm going to say is... Tattoo. Tattoo, darling. What I'm saying is, can't... These were horrible, though. They were awful. Can't we do the show from out there? Can't we go somewhere? What, Moscow?

No, the Maldives, or like a nice location like that. We can do Edinburgh, don't we? We could always do the Maldives next August. It wouldn't suit me, the Maldives. Why not? I'm not happy with a beach holiday. Why not? Because I don't like...

I can't... You know, my swimming's not good enough to go in the sea. I don't like... I don't like having a suntan anymore. It's just sand. Why anymore? People, people, you know, young people. I'm not all like that, though. I've got a terrible... Well, not all. I'm not that bad.

I've got my drop shoulder. You know. You worried about leaving it on the beach? Well, the thing is, the front of it doesn't get tanned, because it's in its own shade. It provides its own overhanging shade. So I get what you might call a cold shoulder. Well, keep the sun cream in there.

I don't think, I'd be surprised unless in later life I have some sort of terrible mental crisis and run away with an 18 year old girl. I can't imagine I'll ever have another beach holiday in my whole life. That's so depressing. No, I find, I mean I'm glad you had a lovely

time. I did. We're all different. I drove a golf buggy. If someone said to me, beach holiday or six weeks in hospital, I might go for hospital. But that's, you know, I know for a lot of people,

it's not really. I know it's a lot of people's dream. It's not mine. I'm sorry if you're a beach person listening. I thought there might be some beaches listening. Sorry if you're a beach. Don't take this personally.

99 problems and a beach ain't one. In your case. Well, in my case, it is the one. I'm alright. I'm not so mad with a pebble. Pebble beach. What about that you can get to... I drove a golf buggy. He'd love that. Oh, I don't mind driving a golf... Last time I drove a

golf buggy, Koo Stark was on it. You're so contemporary. Yeah, I know. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We, er, we need to talk about neighbours,

and I don't mean primetime BBC One Australian. I mean... Primetime? Yeah, 1735. I believe that period of the day is called shoulder peak in TV terms. Is it? Yes. That's what I've got. Shoulder peak.

I'm thinking about it. I'm going to see a physio this week and see if they can straighten it. Oh, yeah. I talked about giving up on it. Yeah. I've been talking about giving up on it. I thought, you know, it's not in my nature to just give up like that. Do you know what?

If it's so bad that you can't even go to a beach, I think you should get it seen to. I don't want you wandering around like Smike and Nicholas Nickleby. You're a lovely man with everything to live for. The thing is, it unnerves my partner. But if I lie back on the beach, it looks like I'm just about to get... My partner, David Furnish.

It looks like I'm just about to get up, because the shoulder's upturned like the corner of a manuscript. Yeah, not my partner, David Furnish. I think he's spoken for. Robbie Williams and Jimmy Page. He's fully furnished. Sorry.

Robbie Williams and Jimmy Page are neighbours. fully furnished. Sorry. Robbie Williams and Jimmy Page are neighbours. Oh yes, oh yes. And they've got a little bit of- Oh yes. Um, they've got a little bit of beef. They've got a bit of um, there's- Well Jimmy's got- There's a brew hard- Jimmy's got a terrible cob on. He has, yeah. See I couldn't tell from the pictures. Robbie Williams is doing that thing that I'm um, I find depressing. He's bought a seventeen and a half million pound mansion. That's quite depressing. So if I bought a seventeen and a half million pound mansion I That's quite depressing. If I bought a 17 and a half million pound

mansion, I think I'd just be like, oh, let's decorate it and then we'll live in it. That seems fine to me. I wouldn't even decorate it. But he wants it revamped. He's doing that thing. I don't know why people do that at all. At all. Whenever I've looked at houses, I've always at some point said to

the estate agent, do you think they'll want to take the curtains? Because I don't want to change. I just want to move in. That's all I want to do, move in. People always want to knock walls down. If we buy another house, then. Exactly.

If I buy a jacket, I don't think I'll get this, but I'll just, you know, I'll put some extensions on the lapels. I'll buy another jacket. Exactly. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway, he wants a swimming pool and a recording studio. We all do, dear.

But it's in Holland Park and I've, I mean, I'm no expert on that area. No. But depending on how much Robbie Williams swims, I think it's, it's too expensive to put a swimming pool into this £17.5 million hub. He wants a lift. A young man like him. They all want a lift. He wants a lift in the swimming pool.

He wants one up to the top board. Defends the purpose, the whole thing. He wants a lift in a house that used to belong to Michael Winner. I mean, of all people. Jimmy says this will cause structural damage and vibrations. Yeah. He's not getting good vibrations, is he? Is it, Rich? That's him, isn't it?

Well, the whole thing has gone down like a lead balloon. That's for sure. Oh! I love it! Fantastic. Just thought of that. That's good, isn't it? That's fantastic. Yeah, he's not happy.

Jimmy Paine has written to the council. Yeah, we're seeing projections. He needs to written to the council. Yeah, with several objections. Yeah, he needs to move on. He's turned, Jimmy Page. Yes, I can bet he can. It was much calmer when Michael Winter lived next door. I'll bet. You know what?

If Robbie Williams hasn't seized upon this opportunity and said, calm down, dear, over the Hydrangea, he's a lesser man than I hope him to be. I bet he isn't. And Jimmy Page is a hypocrite. I mean, he had a stairway fitted, went really high up. Very high up in his house. You've been waiting two and a half hours to say that, haven't you?

Oh, dear. I'm glad we came to this topic. It's been rich. Rich. I feel like the old prospector. Look at this, I've got myself a nugget. Hank, don't deconstruct it. Oh, sorry. Sorry, everyone.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Yes, where were we? Well, we were talking about Jimmy Page and Robbie Williams. And falling out over a planning dispute. Still ongoing, that. So we don't know how that's... Robbie might win, Jimmy might win. Jimmy, I always thought, lived in Alistair Crowley's house.

Oh, really? You know Alistair Crowley, the... Yes, I believe he does. The Satanist. The black magic guy, yeah. He's been looking after it for 40 years, he said. He's obsessed by him, isn't he? Looking after what? He said he's been looking after the house for 40 years. That's one of the things that

he writes to the council. Yeah, but I thought it was in Scotland. Maybe he's got more than one house. Can you imagine that? No, I personally can't. He might have more than one house. Can you imagine that? No, I personally can't. Jimmy Page might have more than one house. I think they need to resolve it. The Satanists, I think you're right. Let it go.

I think it's common to our neighbours, and I should know because I've done it, Frank, haven't I? You certainly have. Oh, yeah. Wouldn't it be a great TV debate? Never mind Nigel Farage, David Cameron, etc. Let's get Robbie Williams and Jimmy Page

disputing the house thing on Telly Life. Yes! I'd definitely watch that. I'm sure that they'll patch it up. I reckon it's... And whoever loses has to do a concert for Comet Relief. Come on, let's make it happen. That's a nice idea actually, yeah. Thanks.

It's kind of odd that they both have similar jobs. I know Robbie's more of a pop star and he's more of a rock star, but it's still in, you know, it's in the same stream, isn't it? Yeah, you'd think that. Well, I feel sorry for Robbie, because I think he probably knew Jimmy Page lived there, and he probably thought, oh, we'll be excited. We'll all be rock stars together.

And now Jimmy's sort of said, well, we don't want your sort here. I think it'll sort itself out I think Jimmy will like knock on the door and say look you haven't got a spare DI box have you I've got a mate who's come round and we're jamming and while I'm here can I borrow that plectrum and then I love the cockerels idea of how musos speak

to each other that's how they speak isn't it I don't think Robbie would have a plectrum he might have one somewhere he has a guitar does he does he play the guitar I think he's got all the gear. I've seen him with a guitar. He must have the gear. The last time you saw me, you were in the doctor's surgery. Yeah, I know.

And I believe he said, what are you here for, mate? Asking me a lot of personal questions. I find him to be a nice fella, but he hasn't done anything antagonistic, he just wants to mess about with the house. Yeah. I think Jimmy's worried that he might get cracks in the walls, there's stuff going on next door. It's a shame really because

the ones that want to buy these expensive properties and then do them up like Robbie Williams has bought this one, why can't they just go through the papers and read the last time there was a dispute like this which in my memory was Thierry Henry adapting his house and Tom Conti was annoyed.

So why can't he just buy Thierry Henry adapting his house and Tom Conti was annoyed. Well, that was always going to end in tears. That combo. But why can't he just go, oh, well, there was that brouhaha. I'll buy Thierry's house now that he's done with it because he's put the swimming pool in and, like, a three-storey water feature. No, but Frank's like, don't put it in, just buy the house. It's more suitable for your needs, idiot. If you're going to spend that

kind of money as well. Yeah. What about that neighbour I had who used to knock on my door and ask me to tie his shoes up? Awful. Was he okay? I don't know, but he always asks me could you tie my shoes up? No, he was hoping that would... Well, eventually I said, look, just buy some loafers.

Did you? Yeah. Good, yeah. Thank you, good day. I shut the door. Yeah. It's disgusting. Bit hard as he had no arms. Thought you could have been a bit more sympathetic. Oh, well, did we read this out? 999 has texted us.

999? Yeah. I don't think it's that bad. The studio is on fire. Can you please leave in an orderly fashion? Hi All Neighbours is now a primetime show on Channel 5. Oh, on Channel 5. Well, what do you call in primetime?

I've not followed it when it made the jump. I've said it's shoulder peak, probably about 5.45. Yeah, it's not primetime, is it? No, I'm sorry. Sorry, everyone. I'm not having that. Well, half past ten. What about when I went round to complain to the people that lived above me about the noise?

I went up there, knocked on the door, had a conversation saying, you know, it's ten past one and this is still going on? And during the whole conversation, I kept my finger on the doorbell. So during the whole conversation, the doorbell was ringing. You didn't. Was that on purpose? Oh, God, yes. Was it?

You're unhinged. Absolutely unhinged. You have to put those people on the back foot. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a missive in from 606 regarding our very own Cockrell. Did the Cockrell see the description in the iNews paper yesterday of his tour? Oh, my God. Is this all right? Have you read this through?

No. Let's see how we go. It said, far less known than he should be. OK. It's a great advert for this show. Well, I agree with that. What do you, as his erstwhile colleagues, think? I think he should be... That's from Paul Cade in Woking. Definitely, I agree with that. What do you, as his Oswald colleagues think? I think he should be, definitely should be a bigger star. Definitely.

I do. You have to blame your agent. Yeah. Hank. I've been saying that in a few interviews this week as well. What, you should be a bigger star? A few of them have sort of said, you know, well, nobody's actually said that, far less known than he should be,

but, you know, it is perplexing. Yeah, but I don't like some of this sometimes. It's suggesting that... The amount of ability I have. Yeah, but why is that a measure of your success? Yeah, people often say to me they're better known than he should be. What, about you or about me? Not about me, so it all balances itself out.

I hadn't read that because I don't read... Sensible. ...stuff about myself. But the Cocker is on tour at the moment. He is. Well, I'm about to go on again and I've done a few... I've seen it. I've done a few local interviews.

I've done a few interviews. Hey, I did one where it was in Radio Manchester and the guy talked right to the vocal on the song. Really slick. Like a proper DJ. No disrespect, Frank. No disrespect. No, I think people put an intro there

because they want you to listen to it. They don't listen to someone talking over it. That's my view. That's a good point. But I did want to pick your brains because I've had a few of these interviews. The odd thing is that people that talk straight up to them, straight up to the music

almost always have nothing to say. He's really sensitive about this. You've really touched a nerve, Al. He's going to keep referring to this all show now. I definitely won't. I'm not going to snap back. I've been asked the same question quite a lot and actually a couple of variations on it.

Well, the beard was your decision. No, not that. No, they've not done that. But a number of these little interviews that I've done, I'll stop calling them little interviews, but it's only a little tour, so it is a little interview. It's the question, what's Frank Skinner really like? No, they've not even focused in on you. Weirdly, it's all about me time. No, I agree, of course. But genuinely, how do you deal with this?

Yeah. Alan, what can people expect if they come to see your show? Yeah, I get asked that myself. What can they expect? Laughter. Yeah, but you say that and you think, oh, I don't want to say that in case some really grumpy guy comes along and then starts moaning at the end,

oh, there was no laughter from me. Well, what are you meant to do? Are you meant to do some material at that point? I don't know. I think I need a coping strategy. Topics thereafter. Oh, what are you meant to do? Are you meant to do some material at that point? I don't know. I think I need a coping strategy. The topics they're after. Oh, are they? Oh, really? Yeah. But we've already done that at that point. They quite often do this as a closing

question. Oh, a final question. What can people expect if they come along? Oh, imagine you said lots of laughs. A great night out. That's what I say. A great night out. Oh, you don't? Yeah. Lots of laughs. Do you say that? Breathtaking laughter. What else are you going to say? You know when people at the end are going,

laugh that much. Oh, I don't want that. I want the asthmatics to buy tickets for my shows. I killed seven people on the last tour. It's all been hushed up. Not now. Yeah, what can be... And on another one, a slightly more passive-aggressive version of the same question, I've had people

saying, so why should people buy tickets for your show? I get that one as well Why should they? Well don't if they don't want if it's a good telly night No don't say that you don't have to say that That's why it's not more famous

That's why my sales aren't great I keep saying What would you say if someone says that Frank to you? Why should they come? Because they'll have one of the nights of their lives Wow There's always someone who's ready to talk you down, talk yourself up.

I mean, you've got to. I need to talk myself up more. Frank's got more of a sort of American Dream approach to it. It is a funny show, but I'm... It's easier for me, because soon I'll have I Don't Remember to fall back on as an answer in interviews. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've had some correspondence in. The subject line is Crowley was not a Satanist. Oh, OK. We were just talking about Alistair Crowley. Well, I was about Alistair Crowley. Oh. And Angela...

Is this the estate agent? This is Angela from Nottingham. Okay. She says, there is a horned god that is one of many gods that people sometimes get confused with Satan, but he was not a Satanist. He was ultimately one of the founding members of Wicca. Get your facts straight before you undo a lot of work people have tried to do to fix the preconception that all witches are evil this is not the case so um okay there you go i'm sorry angela if i uh simplified that i uh i like room on the broom if that wins back any points okay i'm sure that i love really

made things better well you know we don't want to call the OK. I'm sure that I love really made things better. Well, you know... We don't want to cause offence. No, but can I say in seriousness, is the children's book room on the brim is a very positive representation of a witch. Very likeable character. Yeah. So, yes, Angela, thank you for pointing that out.

I'm always keen to learn. And I love grot bags. Yeah. I'm sticking with the Holy Roman Church. I mean, it hasn't had that much effect on me but you know well that would be a real text unless you believe in something Angela we managed to say that without giving me a death stare there

oh yeah and me over here we've had a text in you know I was saying that I've been asked why should people come to your show why should they buy a ticket? Yeah. 514, Neil from Penn, just texted,

I had the same thing at Speed Dating last night. What should they expect from a date with me? Oh, dear, that's difficult. Yeah, that is tricky. Because what you want on a date is the unexpected, surely. And a gig, similar. But then if they say, oh, what should they expect from

the show and i said the unexpected i mean that sounds like i'm a magic act anyone anyone that would say on a speed date though what can i expect from a date with you i mean surely that just rules them out immediately what can i expect from a date with you yeah i like to know in advance but if they're very beautiful a starter yeah they're very beautiful... A starter. Yeah. If they're very beautiful, then... I imagine on speed dating, if they're very beautiful, it doesn't really much matter what they say. That's a lovely attitude. Yeah, I had another one that was...

This is someone who's speed dating, remember? So, you know, you've already ticked a few... crossed out a few channels and avenues. Yeah. One of the other interviewers said to me, give people a reason to come along. give people a reason to come along. Give people a reason to come along. And I think-

This is awful, Al! I think my answer was, well, if they're gonna bring that attitude, I don't want them to come along. Ricky laughs So I mean, it's puzzling really how my sales are as they are. You didn't really say that. No, but it would've been fun, wouldn't it? Well, it's like this thing about making people laugh for a living.

Uh-huh. They don't want to laugh. I have to make them. You've got to make them. Why have they come if we have to make them laugh? Uh-huh. They've come and thought, look, if you're going to get me to laugh, you're going to have to really squeeze it out of me.

Really make me. Oh. I've got one answer that I was pleased with. I was asked by a little paper in Cambridge, have you got any advice for young aspiring comics? Oh, yeah, what did you give them, what advice? I said, make yourself totally unemployable in any other avenue of your life,

and you'll have to stick with it. I thought that was pretty good. Yeah, that is, that's not bad. Quite hard if you're a Cambridge graduate. It's not like me with a degree from the Welsh College of Music and Drama and four GCSEs. They're going to actually be employable, aren't they, if they're Cambridge graduates.

But there is a big drop-off in stand-up with people that are good when they kind of go, oh, I could get more money doing a real job here. And I never had that. I had nothing to fall back on and still haven't. What advice would you give to a young comic? Hank? Well, very early on, I was doing a place called Jongleurs in Battersea.

Why do you give her that ridiculous round? It's a French word. It's a French word. No one, everyone says Jongleurs. No one goes Jongleurs. It's a French word and a comic called Keith Field, who was a sort of, do you know him? Yes. A magician. He's sort of, would mainstream be fair? He's not a magician, he's a Wiccanist. Okay.

He's at home, he's ever at home in a corporate, and he said to me, you know, he said, I think you're going to be big. I said, that's very kind of you. He said, and when you get big, let me give you a piece of advice. You're almost certainly going to end up getting a BMW. My advice is make sure it's got power-assisted steering.

And I've lived by that. So if there's any young comics listening, remember that. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So we're

talking advice for young comedians. I've got one. Someone asks you to present the Brits. Say no. You brought that up. You know, I actually think you were much better than you think you were. Yes, well, I'm prepared to believe that. You don't really do a bad gig, in my opinion.

Thank you, darling. You're such a supporter of mine. I think the question I get asked a lot now is how's fatherhood? I would say every interview I do in Kyoto. And what am I supposed to say to that? I mean, as it turns out, it is brilliant. But what if it wasn't? What if I said it's a nightmare? It's an absolute wasn't? What if I said it's a nightmare?

It's an absolute biggest mistake. What if you said it's a terrible mistake? Biggest mistake I ever made. What if I said, yeah, the thing is, if I put him up for adoption, it's people like you will drag me over the coals. And what if I said that? I mean, it'd be good for publicity.

I'd get a lot of publicity. Well, we do that when they say, how's married life? And people are just the same thing. What if it's a terrible disaster? No one's going to admit that. Yeah, well, I was hoping you weren't going to ask me that. But the truth is...

When they ask about Parentless next time, just say, it's going so well, I might let him sit next to me on the bus next time. Yeah. But he's definitely sitting in front of me next time. I don't want to be on his iSpy list anymore. What next is he going to go for? What's purple daddy's nose?

Can I ask you a question, both of you? Go on. If you were advising young comics on what to wear, you see, I think don't wear too loud a suit because Frank always quotes this great, obviously got a lot of faith in your material, when someone comes out in, I can't remember who said that initially,

but don't do yellow suit. I would say don't go skinny jeans either. You just destroyed half the young comics in the country if you get rid of skinny jeans. Not for the first time. They need to drop the skinny jeans. I'm going to rephrase that. That's not as easy as it sounds.

They don't actually drop, do they, skinny jeans? They have to be peeled. Do you agree with me on that? Peel back the skinny jeans. I think if I was a young man with skinny legs, I'd wear skinny jeans. You know? I mean, Bob Monkhouse said to me

that Ted Ray, the comedian, had given him advice early on. And the advice was, don't say anything too funny early on in your act because people like to spend the first couple of minutes looking at your suit. But I think that might have been a trap. Yeah.

Because if you don't say anything funny for the first two minutes, that could well be it. Yeah, that's true. An American... This is something I have always lived by. An American comic said to me, always take your wallet on stage. What?

Or you'll be preoccupied. And I always do, no matter what the show. Oh, no, I don't like that. I think we know the culprit always does. Where's always do, no matter what the show. Oh, no, I don't like that. I think we know the cockerel always does. Where's your wallet, then? For some reason, I like to do my gigs with empty pockets. I like to just, it's just me. There's no job in this. So where do you leave your wallet? Can I just say, where's your wallet, then, is the title of the cockerel's autobiography. I like to leave it in a lockable dressing room, according

to my rider. It's actually the title of my memoir, subtitled The Sleeping Around Years. Anyway, thank you so much for listening this morning, and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. So, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. So, get out.