The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - The Nose

Episode Date: June 18, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Em and Alun and has some train-based questions for the readers. The team discuss Hiddleswift, Google search and take a trip into email corner.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our little show on 81215, follow it on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning, Jim. Good morning, Peter. Morning. I'm still reeling, but never mind. Oh, Peaky's

back soon. Peaky's on his way back as we speak. He's played a blinder. Did he say that? He must have said that in the papers, did he? How does he get back then? Well, he has to come through the atmosphere when

the outside of the aircraft gets like about, oh, it's something like 2,000 degrees. Oh, I love that. I'm slightly bosking this there. It's hot. It's considerably. It's really hot. And I also think they feel intense. It's like they're being, you know when there's pileups at school?

Do you remember that? Did they do pileups at your school? Bundle! What do you think? Pile-ups! No, we did do that. Yeah, so one kid would go down and there would be

about 30 kids pile-up on top. I mean, it was a terrible game when you think about it. And is that what all the astronauts do when he gets back? No, but they feel

that's what he feels. With all those helmets? It's like he's being squashed a bit. Oh, right. And then they don't land on water anymore. They land on land. Why is that, Alan?

That is weird. And what happens is just as they're about to hit the ground with a mighty bomb, one second before they hit the ground, a sort of a explosion happens, which just softens the blow. Oh, really? How do you know all this, then? Did you read it all in Kindersleyburg?

He knows a lot of stuff. He knows a lot, doesn't he? He knows a lot of stuff. Yeah, but it's still quite a jolt when they land. Oh, I'll bet. Oh, yeah. Anyway, there you are. The landing of Major Tim Peake, ladies and gentlemen, there.

Frank Skinner. And now we've got Paul, I think, who's at the game today. Paul. Alright, Steve, it's building up. The excitement's building up here. Alright, lads, alright, keep it down. Anyway, there you are. That's what other stations are like, so stick with us.

Here's, I've got, now last week I got into serious trouble to asking, just for asking a simple question about why smoke comes out the back of planes and not every plane. Oh, the chemtrails. Oh, yes. Don't mention the chemtrails. It was all answered.

I didn't realise I was opening a lid of conspiracy theories. I think I'm safe for this week. I was going through Swindon on a train. Yes. And I saw something which I'd sort of forgotten all about as a phenomenon. I saw a man

train spotting. Oh, yeah. How lovely. Still going. Yes, it was. I do think that's rather lovely. Yes. Was he going mobile phone? No, no, no. He had the reporter's notebook with the metal rings at the top. Oh, he's so cute.

It never occurred to me that they use technology. They're all about the gadgetry. Yeah, but they still... They still have a plastic bag for possessions though. And sandwiches. Not just a plastic bag, but a plastic bag that's been used so much that some of the paint's starting coming off the design.

That's the secret. I find now people go for the Sports Direct bag. It's a bit sturdier. That's for students moving accommodation. See, I think it's... That's their suitcase, the student suitcase, Frank. It's the badge of the autograph hunt of the Sports Direct. Anyway, first of all, I thought that it had all gone by the wayside. Second, I remembered that it became an insult, didn't it?

You'd say someone who knew, for example, some details about Tim Peake's landing would be called a bit of a train spotter. And it occurred to me, I'm looking to Al now because I've got a feeling he might have the answer. I don't know quite what they're doing, train spotters. What are they spotting? I think that the exact train that it is,

like, I think it's got, like, a registration plate on it, you know, like... But they're all the same, Al, like tubes. It's like, you don't need tubes. I don't think they are all the same. I'll bet you do get tube spotters. Some have got names on. You often get things like the Sally Gonnell. Yeah, the... And if ever they're named after someone like that

they always have, like, the CBE bit and stuff. Oh, right. Oh, do they? Very strict on that. Yeah, but I think there is a certain, like, identification bit of a train. And what's the next process, then, after you've done that? Well, I am not a train spotter, so I don't want to speak for them as a community,

but I think they note it down and then they feel pleased that they've seen that one. I think that's the... It doesn't go into a larger grid. I don't... Well, it might go back to their house and in amongst the other notebooks of trains that they've seen. I thought there was

an end i thought they were the middleman yes no the trains it's like one direction fans or something there's like the train one train that's the harry styles of the train yeah yeah i think there's rarer ones that don't get used and then they get excited if they see that i mean i'm very happy for us to hear from real life bona fideide trains. I'd love to know, because as a kid, I remember me and a chap called Robert, who lived next door, we used to write down car number plates. Oh, yeah. But I've no idea why we did it. That is nice.

And I saw a couple of men looking quite alarmed. Married, were they? Well, didn't someone buy a car on your street once, and the whole street came out and said, come have a look at the car? No, our Nora went out with a bloke who had a car and we all went out to have a look at it when he arrived. It was like a second-hand Mini,

but we all went out and walked round. I don't know what he was looking for. That's what you did when I brought my new car round. We didn't even know that you had to kick the tyre, so that was how you checked the car in those days. No, I didn't know anyone who had a car. And then Nora turns up with someone who's gone his own. Unbelievable.

I mean... Talk about embouchures, Mo. That's what I'm going to do in a minute. Good. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I ask one more train thing and then I'll leave you alone? Yes. Sure.

I was on the train and I went to the toilet. Yes, I've said toilet. Saturday morning on Absolute Radio. Was it one of those... 8.12.15. And... Was it a slidey doors one, Frank? No, it was an old-fashioned door.

And there was a sign inside that said, please don't use the toilet when we're in a station. In this day and age? In this day and age. Now, I've always assumed... What is that? Why is that? Well, I've always assumed, and this must be a simplistic idea, that it's because whatever you do in the toilet,

when you flush it, it just drops straight onto the tracks underneath. But surely, in the modern age, that wouldn't be allowed. Well, I've always assumed that as well. And me. But that's what I did do. Well, that's three of us. It got, um, stuck, the train. Oh, my

goodness for that. Between, um... I'm so relieved you said the train got stuck. We don you meant something else had got stuck. Oh, no, I'm sorry. We don't want to know that level of detail. All the things you've told us this morning, I'll never recover from, frankly. They are a shallow flush, but we don't want to be too graphic.

So, you know when you're on the train and it just stops, you never really know why it stopped. Yes. So it stopped in between reading and somewhere and so i went to the toilet and you know what in this day i'm not in the station and so i went and did the whole we did what i was doing flushed it my whole activity and and then um and then i thought as i walked away i thought oh have i done the right thing there?

Because I'm not in the station. But how does the train know that? You weren't in the station, but you were stationary. I think the reason they don't want it used in the station is that then they'll end up with, like, nine-foot-high super weeds because they've been fertilised by lots of people. So they don't mind if it's between Radin and... Don't think so, I think.

But is that actually just dropped straight out of the train? What if you've been stung by a jellyfish and you're standing there? That's a good point. So does it drop down, Frank? Is it as simple as that? You flush and it just falls out the bottom of the train. It might have happened in the 1890s, but it can't happen now. You'd think.

Well, if anyone could enlighten us i genuinely would like to know the answer to that it probably goes into some kind of septic tank holding area well then why not go in the station there well nowadays i think on a more modern train they don't have that sign saying don't go in the station i think now you can go in the station to your heart's content if you if i tend to be that to be a track spotter. I think you have yeah. I don't know but I find this an extraordinary conversation to start the morning with and I quite like it.

I'm sorry but once we've hooked the train enthusiast with the spotting element I thought while you're here I've got one other question and that was it now I've done it. I'm happy with it. There's an email asking us for help that I'll bring to your attention in a moment, if you want. OK. I mean, if it's someone drowning, should we do it before the song?

No, I don't think it's that time-sensitive. OK, fair enough. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a lot of feedback on the train front, Frank. Yeah. We've had a lot of feedback on the train front, Frank. Yeah. OK, now my guess is that the idea that whatever you do in a train toilet just drops at the bottom is a simplistic...

Au contraire. Yeah. 275. I get the train to Norwich every weekday. Sorry to hear that. And the tracks at the station are often covered in faeces and toilet paper. What? What, really?

That's absolutely terrible. I mean, it's a countryside, basically. It's been somewhat corroborated by 406, who's texted, Frank, you are correct, in old slam-door stock, this is true. I like the Trin lingo there. I do, slam-door stock. Do you know why I find that so erotic?

Me too. Give me a call. Think about the poor track worker! So I think we know where the lingo has come from. It's absolutely disgusting that that is allowed to happen. Couldn't they just carry it somewhere and then empty it at night? That's a nice job, isn't it? I think that's what the more modern trains do.

Who's honestly going to do that? Well, everybody. People work in sanitation. It's no excuse for just dropping it in the countryside. I suppose that because you're moving, they're thinking what you're getting is a very, very thin line for about half a mile. Well, 537.

537. Lemon drizzle. If you're lucky. 537 has this. I took the Trans-Siberian Express a couple of years ago. When you press the toilet flush, you can see a little trap door move aside. And the tracks are clearly visible below. Wow.

It's really wrong. That's what it is. I think they upgraded it all, though. When trains got Wi-Fi, they also got, I guess... When trains never got Wi-Fi. They still haven't got good Wi-Fi, true. They offer you Wi-Fi. You get a page comes up that tells you a bit about the train company.

You have to be a member and get the newsletter. T's and C's. You put in your email, your birth date, all your... You put in everything. All my exes they ask for. Password one I put in. They wanted to know everyone I dated, how long the relationship lasted. Exactly. My mother's co-op divvy number.

I put all that in. Co-op divvy? And then at the end of it, you're still not on Wi-Fi. That's how Wi-Fi works on a train. I use works in inverted commas. For those of you who are reading the novelisation of this, you already know that. 244 has texted, I once referred to someone as a train spotter and he took great exception to this, stating that the correct term is railway enthusiast. No, no, that's too vague.

I agree. I'm a railway enthusiast. Me too. Yeah, but I don't write anything down. No, I'm not filming. Can I just say we are putting people off their breakfast apparently. Oh, I'm sorry. enthusiast. Me too. Yeah, but I don't write anything down. No, I'm not filming. Can I just say we are putting people off their breakfast apparently. Oh, are we? Yeah.

Oh, well. I'm sorry about that. Change breakfast, have something else. I mean, someone else said on Twitter, it's because the lack of engine noise alerts everyone to the likelihood that you've just been to the toilet. No. I don't think they'd be that sensitive.

Oh, no. We haven't got stop-start technology on a trailer. I don't think they'd be that sensitive. Oh, no. We haven't got stop-start technology on a trailer. I dreamt about Frankie Howard last night. Did you? Yeah. We'll leave it there. Get your weekly Frank fix. Listen to the show as it happens

on Saturday morning from 8 until 11 with more music and fewer ads with the Absolute Radio app. So I've been doing my Friday Night Troll. You know, I like to scroll through the emails of Absolute and if any come in on Friday night. I think you should have a TV show called Friday Night Troll. Oh, God, I can't imagine the content of that.

But, yeah, all right, fine. I think you should have an FNT jingle. Make it happen, guys. Exactly, we should do that. Which would you like i found a couple that i'm interested in uh relaying you uh would you prefer ponds first or road road road the boat road road road the oh that might be um about me rowing oh it's all about you no okay no no let's do it i No one answered. I was on a boat

with the pointy end rowing boat, the pointy end behind me, which is what I'd been told by a man on the side. And I couldn't see where I was going, which is a dilemma. So I was trying to find out a couple of weeks ago, was it? Maybe last week. Yes, it may have been last week.

Whether I was the right way around. Maybe this answers the question. I think you were. No, it may have been last week, yeah. Whether I was the right way around, maybe this answers the question. I think you were. No, it doesn't. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. Hello. I was listening to the podcast story about you being rescued in a boat at that exclusive resort in Oxfordshire. Yes.

And as I was listening to the tale, I instantly recognised that it was familiar to me and I knew the end of the story already. The reason for this was that my son Michael had relayed the very same tale to me days before you did. He was the man you mentioned who assisted you that day. Shut up! And I played him this podcast, so just to let you know, he did get your thanks via his mother.

So there you go. Oh, Michael! That's nice, isn't it? Thank you, Michael. You rowed the boat ashore. Hallelujah. Yes! All together now. Michael rowed the boat ashore. Hallelujah. Yes. All together now.

Michael rowed the boat ashore. Come on, sing it. Hallelujah. Let me hear you. Michael rowed the boat ashore. Absolute radio where real music matters. Who's singing next? A glimpse of stocking. Oh, I love the sound of Mikey

yes I'm calling him Mikey already yeah we haven't answered the question what end is meant to go forward the pointy must go forward because it's obviously made to cut through the water like the pointy bit of a knife goes through let's say

a mature cheese but whether you're supposed to face? I must admit, the whole pulling notion... Yeah, pulling backwards is easy. ...does seem... It does seem to be that you... But not knowing where you're going, no wing mirrors.

Wing mirrors are the answer, I think. Oh, I don't like wing mirrors. Wouldn't it be great if people have been rowing for all that time... I hate wing mirrors. ...and then you come along and have one crack at it and add something, like wing mirrors. Yeah, and revolutionise rowing. Oh, it'd be like suitcase wheels and... Honestly. I hate wing mirrors. And then you come along and have one crack at it and add something, like wing mirrors.

Revolutionise rowing. Oh, it'd be like suitcase wheels and... Honestly. You might get an honour from the Queen, Frank. I'd love to. I'll now move on to puns. I've never seen wing mirrors on a rowing back. No, me neither. I've seen a diamond ring.

I've seen a ring. I've seen a needle winky tie. We're going to run through everything you have seen. I've seen a needle winky tie. We're going to run through everything you have seen. I've seen about everything. When I see wing mirrors and a rainbow. Is that okay? Real music, what does it do? Matter. Thank you.

Is that our slogan? Yeah. Yes, did you not know that's the absolute right slogan? Oh, we're all over that. Of course I did. Real music matters. That's a lovely that. Yeah, of course I did. Yeah. Real music matters. That's a lovely slogan. Yeah.

Well done, boffins. It used to be. When we started, the Absolute slogan was, Perno Cures Hangovers. Somebody said it was too laddish. I thought it was, Why can't you play some Nickelback? Oh, yeah.

It was that. I don't know if it was a slogan. It was certainly a regular text. Weekly texting. Oh. Then you get, like, the odd more sophisticated to sound sans Nickelback, question mark. Frank and the team are live on the radio

every Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on Absolute Radio across the UK on digital radio and 12.15am. This is this from Paul. Not sure about trains, but my father-in-law used to drive the honey wagon that took waste off aeroplanes. They call it the

honey wagon? Yes. That's not a very apt name for it. I quite like it though. Is that where the honey monster would come from? I don't know. I don't think it can be, can it? I think. Why is there a man in a high-vis tabard

staring at us out of the other window? That's the man who drives the Absolute Radio honey wagon. Oh, yeah. He's come for his... I'd give it five minutes if I were you, pal. Anyway. We've had an email also on the Friday evening, and I'd like to bring it to your attention.

Ree puns. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, long-term reader, first-time writer. I'm writing to ask for some help. My daughter Katie is starting her own business as a dog walker slash sitter and needs a name for her new venture. Oh, yeah. I've laid awake most nights trying to think of a clever name pun for her business, to no avail.

I've learned that I am in fact useless at such a task. Don't put yourself down. I think of you guys as the king of puns. Collectively, we're all the king, not the king and queen. Worst day of my life. I wondered if you, or in fact any other readers, could possibly help in this matter. I love your show. Keep up the good work, as always.

Oh, shouldn't have read that bit. That's from Joe, a.k.a. Prisoner360. OK, so it's going to be a dog sitter. Yeah. And walker. And walker. OK. You need to give us some time, because obviously... Well, I've had a think, and I thought...

What about Kate? Kate 9. Kate 9. Yeah, that's all right. Oh, the name's Kate? Nearly K-9. No, that's a bit too sweet. Katie! Katie 9! Kate 9. That's all right, I think that works. No, it's not. Oh, guess what? It's so not all right.

Tell us yours. What about pause, P-A-W-S, pause for thought, or pause for a rest. There's got to be a pause. Or pause for a... Yeah, but why is that relevant to her? Just not in a station. She's doing a dog walk. A moment of pause. There you go.

A moment of pause. It's endless. The dog ones. There's a lot of them. You can't just have random dog ones. It's got to incorporate her. I mean, I know I'm saying this and not offering any up myself,

but that's because I love puns. Yes, it's got to be like Katie's something. Yeah. Yeah, it does. What Katie did. Let's not talk about that. What Katie did? What Katie did has got nothing to do with dog walking. Oh, I don't get angry. That's the most aggressive I've ever heard you. That's the most aggressive I've ever been.

Oh. Well, I mean, this is going to lead... If Ian Angle's out there, he's actually the king of the ponds. That's a good point. He'll come up with... But I think we should... I think we should include Katie, otherwise it's too easy. Just, you know, woof justice.

Oh, Harold has suggested... Woof justice? That's all right. I mean, that's more for the sort of judge of the dog crime community. Harold has suggested Kate and dogs. Vigilante guard dogs. Woff justice. Hear the Frank Skinner show as it happens,

Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East. Coming up with suggestions for Kate's dog sitting and walking business, Ben, or as I prefer to call him, 848, suggests Kate, Kate the dog mate. OK. Yeah. I like the repetition of Kate. It's Katie, though, isn't it?

She probably hates being called Kate. Maybe. We don't know that. But Ian Angle, who you predicted would... Here we go. He is on top of the tree, usually, on puns, isn't't know that. But Ian Angle, who you predicted would... Here we go. He is on top of the tree usually on puns, isn't he? Yes. I think he may be playing with us here.

Here's his suggestion. Don't want to walk your dog, Catherine Wheel. Catherine Wheel. Oh, I get it now. I didn't think there was a pun in there at all. I thought he was just doing something really literal. It's quite Benedict Cumberbysome, though, isn't it? It is a bit Benedict Cumberbysome, yeah.

What about Katy Pory? Oh. Based on Katy Perry. Yeah. No, I don't think that works, babe. 334 has texted, Kato Ninetales, because she'd be walking, presumably, nine of eight gold jams.

Now you're talking. Kato Nine Tails is definitely our best. And it references Frank's friends in the S&M community, which I know he'll be a fan of. What about Paul, who I like? He's one of our followers, and I like him because his avatar is the badly painted Fresco. Do you remember that? Oh, yes. and I like him because his avatar is the badly painted Fresco.

Do you remember that? Oh, yes. Anyway, Paul has just said Rexercise, which there's no Kate reference, but he has said hashtag puns, hashtag 70s dog name, which I like. Yes, it is. You don't get Rexes anymore.

No. What about dog business? Dog business? It's all gone a bit... Yeah, that's the thing. ...train station. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, anyway, fabulous. I think we got a few leads, at least.

Hey, very good. Really impressed by that. We've also got Katie, Katie the Doggy Matey. You've done that one once. Well, I know he's done that, and it's the same man. Well, it would be. It's the same idea. He's probably heard it and thought, I'm having that, even though he said it. And then he's remembered heard it and thought, I'm having that.

And then he's remembered. Short-term memory is a terrible thing. We've also had a text. Long-time listener, first-time texter. Dear Frank Cockrell and the Divine Miss M, I was listening to last week's podcast when I suddenly felt like I was there with you all, like a friend of the show or something.

It's not that man in the high-vis, is it, Costa? It might be. You were all talking about Dave Wardrobe. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. Remember that, Frank? We were talking about a guy called Dave Ward who got an OBE and he became Dave Wardrobe.

Yeah, someone sent it in, didn't they? Yeah, yeah. People had nicknamed him. They weren't with Dave Wardrobe. He'd had that fun nickname forevermore. I am also Dave Ward and Wardrobe was my nickname at school due to my height. I'm six foot five now and wasn't much shorter then. I was another Dave Ward.

I was hoping he said because I always went to school in an elaborate robe. A bit like the coat of many colours. Yes. I'd really like someone who did that at school. If I was called Dave Ward, I'd only ever wear a robe. That'd be good. Would you? Yeah, I'd just wear a toweling robe my whole life.

It'd be lovely if your whole life was just in a toweling robe. That would be an absolute game changer for me. Oh, how relaxing that would be. Well, that is my life when I get home in the evening. Just FYI. I'm on about everywhere you go. There's nothing wrong with a robe. Coming to work. You do have a rule. They always take something off before you in the evening. Just FYI. I'm on about everywhere you go. There's nothing wrong with a robe. Coming to work.

You do have a rule. They always take something off before you leave the house. If you only ever wore a robe, it would be difficult. Frank, what about a robe on the tube? Come on. There's no reason why you...

I mean, it's got a belt, hasn't it? Which protects your modesty. A modesty belt. Exactly. You can pull one side. And it's got a pocket. And Alan could wear that for his grappling. Is anyone listening?

Because he's got the judo belt. The kimono, yeah. Is anyone listening who only ever wears a robe? No one. At 12.15. Well, he continues, actually, Dave Wardrobe. He says, I'm not, however, an OBE, which is a reference to the other Dave Ward OBE,

however, an OBE, which is a reference to the other Dave Ward OBE. But I am an NSC, Naked Shower Cleaner, respect to the cockerel. Remember I pointed out that I like to hear from fellow... Do you think people actually listen to this show from one end to the other?

It seems that way, doesn't it? Absolutely amazing. Respect to them. That's the thing with only wearing a robe. I know he doesn't only wear a robe. You pointed out with the robe once. I would point out if I had a robe. Oh my God.

It'd be alright. Sorry, carry on. What did I point out? How can I carry on now? I'm sorry. You observed, is that better? That the robe it can be very difficult to sleep in because of the belt. Yeah, that is a problem. But you don't have to sleep in the robe.

No. You sleep under the robe. Oh, OK. So you use the robe as your bedclothes. Honestly, life would be so simple. Because a towel in robe, you could come out of the shower, you wouldn't even have to dry yourself, just put the robe on. Hood?

Yeah, I have the hood as well. I love the hood. Yeah, it's all gone a bit 60s boxer. Frank Skinner, live every Saturday morning from 8 till 11 on 105.2 FM in the West Midlands. I think at 9.08 this morning we should take a little moment to think about Calvin Harris. That's our first ever name check, time check on the show. It probably is.

And it's probably the wrong thing to do given that the show goes out an hour later on other shows. It frightened a lot of people. I've made a fool of myself. I apologise. More exciting, you've made a fool of a lot of people listening on the Oh yeah, tricked you. You've suddenly gone into a mad panic. Meanwhile, the man in the high-vis tabard is getting right down to it. Is he? That was a good, that was that Philip

K Dick book. The man in the high-vis tabard. The man in the high-vis tabard. The man in the high-vis tabard is getting right down to it. It's not a Philip K Dick book. I think we should think about poor Calvin Harris, the handsome, rich DJ who's now single. Like, how's he going to meet another girl?

I've got a Calvin Harris this morning. I'm wearing Calvin Classics boxes. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? The market ones. Yes, I do. I do, honestly. No, don't show us. I'll show you the waistband.

No, don't, please. I don't even want to see the waistband I do, honestly. I'll show them. Hold on, I'm just going to show them. No, don't show us. I'll show you the waistband. No, don't, please. I don't even want to see the waistband. Oh, my. Well, there's his Calvin's out. Oh, lovely. Calvin classic. Okay, put it away now. And ironically, they're a Harris tweed,

which I wouldn't think of as a fabric for underwear. Well, it's, you know, it's not as warm as it has been. I'd find them scratchy, but I suppose different strokes for different folks, isn't it? Indeed. But yes, he's recently different strokes for different folks, isn't it? Indeed. But yes, he's recently broken up with Taylor Swift, who

I still don't really know what she does, but she's in the news a lot. She's a singer. Sings and dances, doesn't she? No, she doesn't dance. She's a terrible dancer. She's a terrible dancer? Yeah, she's a singer. She's a terrible dancer? Yeah, she can't dance. I know what you're thinking, but don't say it out loud. What? She's a terrible dancer. You're thinking someone with legs like that has got to be a terrible dancer? Yeah, she can't dance. I know what you're thinking, but don't say it out loud.

What? She's a terrible dancer? You're thinking someone with legs like that has got to be a great dancer. That's what you're thinking. You're thinking something from the 70s. Now stop it. Am I? Anyway, she's had a break-up with Calvin, and then two weeks later... Talvin, they were called, just FYI.

Were they? Talvin. Yeah. Talvin. That was their poor man's toe name. Oh, Talvin, they were called, just FYI. Were they? Talvin. Yeah. Talvin. That was their poor man's name. Oh, Talvin. And then, you know, he blinks, and before you know it, she's in the papers smooching and cuddling with Tom Hiddleston, possibly.

Tom Wigglesworth, wasn't it? Yeah, Tom Wigglesworth, he's done well. He's still got that coat, though. He wore it in the Edinburgh Festival four years ago. I like that Edinburgh show about the train ticket. I bet she's seen that somewhere and thought, hey, my kind of guy. This is very niche.

It is a bit, it is a bit, yeah. Sorry about that. OK. Well, Talvin, well, should we say Calvin, first he was all, I believe he tweeted, what remains is respect and love. Well, Talvin, well, should we say Calvin? First he was all, I believe he tweeted, what remains is respect and love. Right.

A bit like your respect for Slavin Village for still smoking. Yes, exactly. However, then he found out about Tom Fiddlesticks. Yes. And he deleted all the pictures of her. And he said it's all about to go down. Three skull emojis. Oh, yeah. That's a bit of a worry because the headline was that Tom Hiddlesworth had been on a private jet.

Yeah. So when he then tweeted, it's all about to go down and three skulls. I thought, what have you done, Calvin? You're full. What have you done? I wonder if Tom Hiddleston replied to the three skulls with just three thumbs ups. Yay!

That would have been good. It's always difficult, isn't it? To estimate what an acceptable gap is between relationships. I think his suggestion is that there was no gap. They're an overlap. They overlap on the Venn diagram of boyfriends.

They met pre the breakup. However, the son, Frank, did... I think they came up... Ian angled it. They said, Tinker Taylor snogs a spy. Oh. Because he was in the well-known spy drama, The Night Manager, one of the ones you don't watch.

And he's being tipped for the next Bond as well. Yeah, he's going to be James Bond now. Yeah, I thought maybe something better than Snog, so it sounds more like Soldier. Yeah. But, you know, it's good. It's a good film, right? It's all right. It's a start.

Tinker Tailor's good. Oh, yeah, that's very good. She's a bit of a tinker, I imagine. Is she? I wish she, on the subject of that the way they did compound names relationships i really wish she'd gone out with the uh 1960s 70s welsh footballer arf and griffiths do you remember him no what would that create a swift off ian angle has uh texted calvin's been stitched up by his tailor Ian Angle has texted,

Calvin's been stitched up by his tailor. See? I did. She's stitched him up by going out with somebody else so soon. Even Homer nods. Hey. One of my favourite quotes, mate. Oh, thank you so much.

I love The Simpsons. So, how long then was... If there was a gap, let's assume there's a gap. Let's say one thing, if you get into another relationship quickly, people always think, oh, well... Yeah, a bit soon, yeah. I think I heard Julie Birchall say once that she doesn't like to get out of the bath

until she knows the central heating's on. And that's how she was in relationships. But I mean, I don't know what's an acceptable gap between. How low can you go? Oh, I don't know, really. The way I used to do it, I'd imagine myself on the phone saying um in protest oh come on it's been and then i'd try and work out what figure felt acceptable yeah six weeks i always thought was all right come on it's been six weeks i mean it's been six weeks it's

better when you can throw a month in there isn't it i think you should have gone there it's been oh it's been nearly two months yeah you let yourself down there frank yeah maybe but i think six weeks sounds like because six weeks is how i think of the school holidays yeah that was the longest time one ever experiences in one's entire life enough time to clean out your, exactly. So, you know, we split up. I built a few dens. But we know your advice, never date anyone in the summer. Never pick your partner in the summer. It's different now because... I mean, you know that, Al. Frank's old driver, Mark, says never date anyone.

No, it's Jerry. Oh, it's Jerry, sorry. Never start a relationship in the summer because everybody looks good with a tan. But everybody has a tan now. Everyone's got a tan all the year round. It's like fruit. You can get it whenever you want it. That's a good point.

That's a good point. That's one of the ways society has changed. One thing Tom Cobblestone said when he was... Because he danced with that. He said, I love dancing. Who doesn't? I thought of you the moment i read this that's this morning's texting loads of people don't yeah i mean i don't want i don't like it when people

slag him off as being a potential next bond because he's posh because i think that's what you want if you want a posh bond i don't mind that but i do think that that is just can you can you be so posh that you're just confident with anything? Like, he's just thinking, yeah, I'll dance with a world-famous music star in front of all the cameras. Why would I even remotely think about that being potentially awkward and embarrassing

and that my limbs might not move in the right way? I don't think he danced very well. Oh, people were saying he danced well. No. You don't want to dance too... That's the other thing with dancing. Don't dance too well. Oh, people were saying he danced well. No. You don't want to dance too... That's the other thing with dancing. Don't dance too well. He's too rangy.

Don't look like you've been having lessons or you've been at home trying. You've got to look like you've got a natural thing that you haven't worked. He looked like he was trying to impress her, which was lovely. Oh, yeah, we've all done it. Have we?

Trying to impress Taylor Swift. What I would say, Frank, is... How can I put this kindly? I can't. So, he needs to give Dave Stewart a call soon, maybe, just to find out where he buys his hats. No. Let's just leave it there.

Really? Yeah. Or Wayne Rooney in a few months, if you don't hurry up. But Connery played Bond in a toupee. So, you know, that doesn't exclude Tom. Yeah, because they look great, don't they? I thought Sean Connery's was pretty good, and that was a 60s toupee.

So I don't know where they got the hair from. Probably somewhere... I think standards are a bit different. All I'm saying is it just looks a bit receding. Oh, that's a cruel thing to say about Tom Higgle Piggle. Andy has texted a suggestion for the dog walking business. Much ado about nothing. Dog walking, it's not really a job, is it?

A bit harsh, isn't it it this is a little bit harsh i mean i know what he means yeah um i was only talking about that to my personal shopper the other day um yeah no but when you're taking i've never took nine dogs for a walk i imagine that is yeah i imagine that's a pain i think that's too too many, isn't it? They're a service provider, and I don't think we should be so judgy. Especially in the days of having to bag it up when they excrete. Exactly. Wasn't that Jerry Halliwell's song? So it was.

Bag me up. Yeah, that would have been, showed a bit of self-loathing. And tremendous foresight. Hi, guys. Surely the sun should have gone with singer-taler-stole-a-spy. Which does scan better, doesn't it? Well, that scans better. Howevs.

Singer-taler-stole-a-spy. Howevs. Yes, I'm talking like a 22-year-old. Yeah. She didn't steal him. Because I believe he was single. Yeah, whatevs. Howevs.

Well, I don't know. I think... When I say single, I think he might be a bit of a two phones merchant. Players gonna play. But Singer-Taylor is good. It is good. Singer-Taylor rolled a

spy. Ah! Yeah. Oh, Frank, that's first class. And you know I don't, the compliments don't get better than that for me. No, no, that's... I believe they didn't even go first class. I believe it was Private Jet. Yeah, PJ. Private Jet.

Yeah. That's impressive, isn't it? On the first date. Imagine taking them in the PJ on the first date. Yeah, you've got to have somewhere to go. I mean, that's absolutely marvellous. They went to their hilltop mansion. Why are you talking like you're a Sun reporter? Well, it's absolutely marvellous. They went to their hilltop mansion. Why are you talking like a Sun reporter?

Well, it stuck in my mind. In a leafy suburb of North London, Pounds Millie. Because where I lived in Albury, and full respect to anyone that lives there, there's a place called Hilltop, and it wasn't a mansion kind of an area. No. So the idea that Taylor Swift had got a hilltop mansion,

really, I really enjoyed that. You went to all groups. Oh, it's Taylor. How you going, love? All right? Well, you know, we should never have. It was a mistake. I went hilltop and thought...

Frank told me that place where Adrian Charles comes from is like Beverly Hills. It is compared to... What's it called again? Hagley he came from. It doesn't sound like Beverly Hills. My dad used to say if we won the pools, we'd move to Hagley. That's where we'd go to.

What about that? In the days when people talked about winning the pools, rather than just becoming internet sensations. You didn't want to mess with your dad's pools entries. No, that's true. Yes. Just in case you don't get that reference, my dad said to the coupon collector man

who used to come round to get our money on a Friday, he'd read in the paper that another Paul's collector had run off with the money. And he said, they were laughing about it, and he said, you do know, though, if you ever did that, I'd track you down and kill you. It's that moment when the conversation turns french skinner on absolute radio surely not there must be some mistake

you haven't decided what tom and taylor's portmanteau name should be i believe they call them ship names oh your ship name like relationship i think she should be. I believe they call them ship names. Oh, do they? Your ship name, like relationship. I think she should be called Leggy McLegface, in that case. If it's a ship name. One of my problems with the portmanteau of these two is I'm still not sure what Tom's surname is. Hiddleston. Hiddleston. So Hiddleswift has been suggested.

Hiddleswift is probably my favourite, actually. Is it? Hiddleswift. Swiddle. Swiddle. Swiddle. I quite like it. Hiddleston. You been suggested. Hiddleswift is probably my favourite, actually. Is it? Hiddleswift. Swiddle. Swiddle. Swiddle. Hiddleston. You couldn't get Swindle.

No. Not quite. You could get Swiddle. Tom and Tay. You couldn't get Swiddle. Tay. No. Anyone got any idea for their portmanteau?

A lovely couple. I like her. I wouldn't leave her in the room alone with a boyfriend, but there you go. No. I don't like her. I mean, if I was him, I would be worried about dating her, because almost everything she's done in her life so far has gone viral, and I don't... I mean, that would just put me off a bit. It makes her a bit zombie.

No, but wouldn't that... That might attract someone who is building their career. It might, I suppose, but, you know... But you would be thinking, who's next, wouldn't you? How long before you become... Too much viral. Before you become slam-door stock, as they say in the train business.

Oh, I never told you about my trip. Talking of travel, although I didn't get up to any of that, slam-door behaviour. No. I went over to the south of France last week. Did you? Yeah. Absolutely, Marge.

I was invited by Louis Vuitton. Did you, um... Keep going. Yeah. So when you go over on a trip with Louis Vuitton, they have to ensure... It's getting too loud. It's getting too loud.

Quite loud. They have to ensure... It's getting too loud, Frank. It's getting too loud. Quite loud. They have to ensure that you... Bonjour! They have to ensure that you have a bag with you. Was it Eurostar or Flight? What was the... Flight. What was the MO?

I was right. What was the airline? MO. MO. Motorcycle Brands. Yeah, we flew over there. Well, in those, you're definitely allowed to flush in the station in an airplane. Do you know, that took me right back, that music,

Frank? Because I went to the region where the perfumes are made, which you'll be familiar with. Oh, yeah. It's called Grasse. Grasse? Yes. It's called Grasse? Yes. Don't say it like that. Grasse. That's how I say it. Grasse. It's probably called

Grasse. Don't say it in a sort of Beavis and Butthead way. It's a beautiful area. Grasse. That's how I say it. That's just how I say it. Grass. It's probably called Gouraud. Don't say it in a sort of Beavis and Butthead way. It's a beautiful area. Grass. That's how I say it. That's just how I say it. There was a lovely... The fragrance has been launched later this year, so I'm afraid I can't say much about it,

but I did meet the nose. Oh. Louis Vuitton have a nose. Yeah. It's an incredibly respected position. Yeah. Oh, he's seen some sights, that nose. What a man.

Do you know, there are fewer noses in the world than there are astronauts. Is that right? That is a good fact. Yes. We should explain what a nose is. Oh, yeah, some people will be thinking God knows. Ian Angle. I bet they're known as a God knows probably because it's so rare.

Well, would you like to tell me what you think it is? I think that some people, Let me put it this way. Many years ago, I watched a documentary with Jacques Clouseau. Oh, yeah. I like the Inspector Clouseau stuff. No, Costa. Oh, Jacques Clouseau, yeah. Jacques Clouseau, yeah, who used to be the underwater man.

And he met a guy who was able to swim down for various rare shellfish and oysters and things. And he didn't get the bends. He had some weird physical thing. And I always thought, God, how would you ever find that out? I might have that and I'll never know. Meanwhile, in the perfume industry, there are certain people whose sense of smell is so perfect that's what it is that they can detect all sorts of slight little they can enter yeah

you can give them a sauce they tell you what the ingredients were yes i once saw um freddy fox do it on uh pepper pig with a with a fruit smoothie but that was was another... That's a different story. And so if these people are identified as noses, as they call them, then they can command... Only time people ever do this, they can command massive wages.

This is true. When you say wages, like he's, you know, a West Brom footballer back in the 50s. Don't get a payback out. I mean, there's a... But it is... I mean, they're exactly right, Frank. You've summed it up beautifully. Whatever he gets, it's not to be sniffed at. Very good. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Sorry, I'm just reading some instructions out from this pamphlet. It's good cream that you've got there. Anyway, Frank, this is a frustrating text because I thought we were going to get a following example. Frank, I work in Hagley and it is still like being on a different planet to the rest of the surrounding West Midlands. Me and my colleague have an Overheard in Hagley competition where we listen in to conversations to find the most Hagley topic.

Can I just say, quite niche. I like that. I wanted an example, like the other day. Yeah, send us an example. Give us an example. That's from Brett in Kidderminster, aged 24 and a half. I like the fact he's also given us the half. Well, I'd like that.

And maybe Adrian, who's a friend of the half. Well, I'd like that. And maybe Adrian, who's a friend of the show, he might know some Overheard and Hagley. Adrian Mull? No, Adrian Childs. Yes. Oh, anyway, so I was telling you about the nose. Oh, yes. Over in...

Oh, the nose. The Cote d'Azur, and... The Nasa, as they call him over there. You see, the thing about the nose... Wouldn't they say that would it be? The Nasa. Is that French for nose? I'm not sure.

I think it is. No, I don't think it is. Maybe it's German, actually. What is French for nose? You see, I found this with my French when I was over there, Frank. It's German because it's Rotonasa. It's a red nose. OK.

I can't remember. Do you remember that from when you did the German comic relief? Exactly. Rotonasa day. Rotonaza day. Rotonaza tag. I've worked out when I speak French that there's only one word I can say sort of effectively, and that's hello.

But the trouble is I say it so well with such a great accent that everyone makes the assumption that I can speak French really well. So I'll just go bonjour in a very heavily accented way and then they start talking back to me and i can't say anything and you're like i'm out i know well i've got a friend who's of spanish extraction and she was talking the other day about iry and um she uh she said uh paella in a way which i have to say sent a tingle through my whole body. Have I ever told you about Joe Darby?

Joe Darby was a black country hero. I mean, way before my time. And he was a man who used weights in order to jump. Have I told you about him before? So he'd swing the weights and they would lift him up. So he, one of his specialities was that he could jump onto a child's face

and off again without hurting him. He'd swing the weight. Was this regulated by an independent governing body? Well, no, I think in those days this was before health and safety. So he would jump on just at the moment when he would obviously start to do it, just before damage, his arms would be swinging upwards with the white so that would lift him off wow he could jump on a basket of eggs and off again and anyway that's how this woman said paella oh did she she barely touched it yeah yeah oh it's fantastic absolutely amazing it does the trick. An excellent example of the use of centrifugal force, I think.

Yes. I wonder if Joe Darby's ever been used to illustrate Spanish pronunciation before. I doubt that. 8.12.15, if you've heard that happen. Somebody will say, yeah, they did it on Danny Baker about two or three weeks ago. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, the thing about the nose, Al, is that you really want to smell nice for him.

Can you imagine the pressure? Imagine if you meet the nose and you'd had to rush out of the hotel without a full bath that day. You don't want to meet the nose when you've had a prism wash. Come on. Maybe ran for the bus as well to get to Louis Vuitton HQ.

Yeah, because I was really doing that, wasn't I? What bus route's it on? 257? He lives in this fabulous Gothic mansion in Paris called Nostral Darm. Oh, lovely. I wish you'd been there, Frank. You two would have gone like house on fire. Oh, I don't know.

I think he would have turned his house up. Humour stinks. Yeah. Oh. He, um... I smell pepperami. No. He would have said,

hmm, where are you from, Birmingham? He probably would have. He would have. Wow. He would have been wrong. Some from West Bromwich. I doubt... That would have ruined him.

I doused myself. Did you? And I wanted him to smell. And I said, oh, you know, what do you think? And it was like that moment on X Factor when they're waiting to decide whether they're going home or not. He went, hmm, OK. I mean, you don't want to get an OK.

Yeah, it's better than a bit basic though isn't it? Yeah. A bit basic. Imagine if he'd have sounded like Joey Essex. He must have to live a very abstinent, careful life. Well you would have thought that's another story. No no but I mean he's got to watch where he's sticking his nose

you know what I mean? Mind his own business. No no. Oh right. He don't want to go into anywhere with a very strong... He doesn't want to go anywhere with a very strong smell. I don't think he's in the neighbourhood watch scheme or something. No, but I mean, he couldn't ever smoke or use snuff or attend a public man's toilet. Well, I think he probably could. Could he? Not in France. Well, I don't think we want to be going on

those trains. Not in France. Terrible thing to say. He might as well have a walk down the railway track. Yeah, he wouldn't be good in Norwich, would he? If he was a trap worker. If he got a job as a trap worker, his life would be a nightmare. I don't know if he's one of the, shall we, as we call them now, the slam shop brigade. No. But he was a trap worker, if he got a job as a trap worker, his life would be a nightmare. I don't know if he's one of the, shall we, as we call them now, the slam shop brigade.

But he was lovely, the nose. I mean, there is something of the llama about the man. Is there? Yes, because he's sort of something magical and mystical about him. I wish I could say more about the fragrance, but I can't, I'm afraid. However, I did have a wonderful time and I embarrass myself with my French speaking. But don't you get that thing when you're over there that you think, when you say anything in French,

I think the French people are thinking, she's amazing, that woman. She can speak French, which I can't. Just want to go, bonjour. No. I don't think they are thinking that. I don't get that at all. Oh, aren't they? I thought they were. I mainly focus on oui and non and merci, and that's it.

What about when I run for room service? You know I need an eye, and it's the first thing I need, Frank. And I forgot momentarily the name of it, which is unlike me, because I have a list of the 12 languages I'll need it for. What's French for eye? Yes, well, I'd forgotten, and I do know that, and I'd confused it. And I rung down, and I said, vous avez un embrasser. And it's actually embrassé.

And it's actually repassé. Embrassé is a kiss and a cuddle. Oh, excellent. She went, oh! Oh, so embarrassing. She might have just thought you were lonely. They were pointing at me in the hotel. Lonely? How can you be lonely with the nose?

No, but you phone down to reception and ask for a kiss and a cuddle. Whenever I've done that, there's been a knock at the door 15 minutes later. Sleazy businessman. Exactly. That's why that woman in Marseille gave me an iron. It's all making sense. Get your weekly Frank fix.

Listen to the show as it happens on Saturday morning from 8 until 11 with more music and fewer ads with the Absolute Radio app. Yes, so we were in France. Oh, we've been running through various things. Oh, by the way, it's the anniversary today, I noticed in my journal. It's the anniversary of Napoleon being defeated at Waterloo, bet the nose didn't bring that up. Sensitive. Yeah, exactly.

He's very apparently. Yeah, apparently. Very sensitive. Oh, I wasn't going to say anything. Around the septum. We've had a text suggesting a name for the new dog walking business. You know, Katie's setting up a dog walking business. Steve Dooley from Birkenhead has said,

how about the name Catherine the Great Dog Walker? Great Dog Walker. I like it, but they're not very connected, are they? No. I mean, Catherine the Great is a thing, isn't it? Yes, it's a leader of Russia. But I think that they are thinking back to a time when if you were called Katie, you were probably christened Catherine.

Yeah. And of course, those days changed. People are christened with abbreviations. Don't blame me. A less explainable text is 956 has just texted tuna and cheese with pickles, onion and tomato with light mayo. OK, give us ten minutes. I'm not sure that text is for us.

No, it is. We're expected to do that as part of our remit now. Are we? No, that's what she should call her company. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's going to confuse people at first. It definitely will. No, that's the suggestion for the portmanteau.

Do you think so? That's what they should call it. Tuna and cheese with pickles, onions and Tom would like mayo. You don't think it's a test for the nose, do you? We should just waft it under him and say, can you do that? And blindfold him. Anyway.

Do you know there was a perfume fountain? Extraordinary. A perfume fountain? Yeah. Has anyone said Hiddleswift? Yeah. I said it very early on. Yeah.

I love that we think the same. We dream the same dream thing. The trouble is they're probably already split up. Oh, do you think so? So who we are, you know, thinking about a poor man. They have. He's got that Dave Stewart hat. Oh, so there was a rather cute story this week.

It's the little and finally Cyril from That's Life Google It section. Oh, yes. A grandma from Wigan, I believe her name was May Ashworth. You don't get many Mays these days, do you? No, that's true. Anyway, her grandson Ben had come over to do his washing. I appreciate that's not the best story you've ever heard. However, he looked at her computer.

Did he? Yeah. He wants to keep his nose out. The nose. He saw that she'd been Googling. You're safe with a grandma to look at the search history, aren't you? I think it's a bit, I don't know.

How would he feel if his grandma had gone round his house and had a look at his Google search? He probably clears his history, I should think. Well, his boyfriend was at home, he said. Oh, yeah. He said, he'd looked in the search bar and he'd seen that she'd said, please translate these Roman numerals. He said, he'd looked in the search bar and he'd seen that she'd said,

please translate these Roman numerals. MCM XCV 111. Thank you. So he obviously thought this was rather adorable and tweeted it. Oh, she's so old that that's her password. Yeah. I think she was trying to work out a text from an old friend. Just a weird number on her phone who is this it's when they'd asked her for a date of birth in one of the

she essentially she was trying to work out when a show was made from the credits you know when it comes up at the end on the bb and things, and they still apparently use that. They do. I find that weird. Why do they do that? I mean, that'll happen to the programmes you do, like Room 101, they'll have Roman numerals at the end. You think? Someone has sat in an edit suite

and said, oh, we'd better put the date of the show on now. What do you think, Roman numerals? And everyone's going, oh, that's a good idea. And what about the director's name, Hieroglyphs? That's absolutely ludicrous. I mean, at least she's accidentally highlighted a practice which should be stopped. Why do they do that? Production company, cave paintings?

I'd like to think it's sort of inside Roman Catholics at the BBC. Probably. But if anyone knows why the dates of television programmes are in Roman numerals, text us on XXV. Frank and the team are live on the radio every Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on Absolute Radio across the UK on digital radio and 12.15am. So this rather cute Granny May Ashworth...

It's funny you say that because I did... This says a lot about where I am in my life. I did see the picture of Granny May Ashworth and thought, she's alright. I honestly did. Frank, she's 86. She's an attractive woman. Yeah, but she's 86. Come on. I think you Frank, she's 86. She's an attractive woman.

Yeah, but she's 86. Come on. Okay. I think you'll find she's V111. No, I don't know how to do 86. So at your time of life, an attractive 86-year-old's like a yummy mummy, is that what you're thinking? Yeah, like a yummy grandmummy. A yummy grandmummy. All right.

Like yummy grandmommy. Yummy grandmommy. All right. She, anyway, the reason that she Google searched that was that she apparently, her grandson says, she's under the illusion that there's a guy sitting there at Google headquarters who deals with all the inquiries personally every time they come in. Yeah. Am I wrong in saying that when Ask Jeeves began,

do you remember Ask Jeeves? I do. I do remember Ask Jeeves began, do you remember Ask Jeeves? I do. Did you not used to, was it, I think I used to type in a question so I would say, you know, which end do you, from which end do you peel a banana? Right. I would actually ask that question. Yeah, I often question, I often put questions in.

Yeah, so it's not that crazy. You're just having a bit of politeness. And why not? Do you ever use, I don't know, feeling lucky? I hate feeling lucky. Do you? That's an interesting sentence. Well, I just don't like it. I think it's, well, I don't want some weird game.

Oh, feeling lucky. It's a bit like some creepy man. There's business reasons, usually. I was Googling yesterday. I was Googling Archbishop Pole, the last Roman Catholic Archbishop of Canterbury. Me too. What are the chances?

I don't want that transformed into a game of chance. I just want to know. I'm feeling lucky. Just tell me about him. Archbishop Paul Roulette. Why are you turning it into some fairground game? Yeah, exactly. Also, I don't like, Frank,

I don't like, so I've got a biscuit in my mouth. I couldn't help it. I'm feeling lucky. I don't like, some results may have been removed under data protection law in Europe. Which I had when I googled my name. Yes, it happened

once. Come on, Emily! That's what happens when you google your name. A YouTube clip of a woman deadlifting. That's true. What is that from? Also, here's something I get on my nerves about. Search. Google search.

If you search Google images... Yes. I'm looking for pictures of the person or whatever that I've put in. Attractive grannies, that's what he's looking at. No, but, well, maybe so. Answer mate to six-year-old women. You've called May, who's still got a hit. No.

It's what you search every night. OK, but let's take that as an example. Maybe an Irene gets in there. Let's take that. If I typed into Google Images search women called May who've still got it, I was likely to get a picture of Gunals Barkley. People come up and you think,

well, why are they on this search? Absolutely no relation whatsoever. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East. We all make mistakes, don't we, in life? Speak for yourself. 572 has texted, what kind of keyboard does the granny have

that she could type Roman numerals into the search bar? And I was sort of... A bit embarrassing. I was chuckling at that, and then about a minute later, 572 has texted, never mind, just realised it's capital letters. Oh, well, that's good, though. Yeah, and so I felt like it's fine,

cos they've self-policed. I was a bit nervous when you read that. I wasn't just going to make fun of somebody sending us a silly text, as if I would. That moment when you press send and then you think, oh, capital letters. Oh, no.

No, sir. Not a fellow. Sorry, that was Tom Courtney in The Dresser. Yeah, that's good. So when you're doing the old... I mean, that is a strange thing to type into Google. What? But I've got weirder.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll give you a challenge. What's your search history this week? Oh, my goodness. Well, actually, I look... Do you want to hear mine? I'm looking at it right now as we speak. Go on. ITV2

plus one. I must have been finding out which channel it was on. I wanted to watch Love Island Ketchup. Oh, okay. Chris Coleman. Love Island Ketchup is the worst relish you can possibly buy. Do you want some Love Island Ketchup? No, I don't think

I will actually. I'm not hungry after all. Chris Coleman and wife. Chris Coleman and wife. That's funny. I was intrigued. I wanted to find out who the wife was. That's so what my girlfriend does, is look up people's wives. Euros to pounds.

Euros to pounds is a good... None of your business. Good Google. Yeah. Well, if you're in France, euros to pounds is good. Exactly. Hold on, I've got some of mine. Marco Pierre White Jr.

Oh, dear. And Pig and Kangaroo. I don't think you've beaten... Oh, I know what that one was. Yes, it's not a pub. As you're wondering. It's a fancy half, and the Pig and Kangaroo.

No, I don't like that one. That's a very specialist interest pub. Let's leave it there. Plus, you're not there. I'd love a friend. The's leave it there. Because you're not there, Frank. Tabloid lover, Frank. The Pig and Kangaroo? Best relationship of the century.

Frank, what have you got then? I've got Archbishop Pole, as I mentioned. Right. The Tokens. What's that band? They did The Lion Sleeps Tonight. Why were you going to sing them? Because Boz has started singing it round the house,

so I thought I'd play him the original. All right, I thought you were saying if they're on tour. If they're on tour. Donald Justice. Oh, I didn't like that Disney movie. Yeah, that's weird. Didn't Donald Duck went all vigilante? Donald, I'll tell you what, I listened to...

There's a New York poetry podcast hosted by Paul Muldoon. Oh. Right. Yeah. And he, I tell you what he does, he does that radio thing, and I've heard Melvin Bragg,

we never do it on this show, but I've heard Melvin Bragg do it on his radio form. Has he? I heard Melvin from KSFM. So Melvin, Paul Muldoon was interviewing a poet called Stephen Dunn, and he said, so what do you, Stephen Dunn, think about that? It's that thing when they say people's name on the radio.

We should start doing that, Alan Cochran. You know what, Frank Skinner, I think maybe we ought to. Just now and again, just so people know who we are. What else have you got? I've got that, and I've got Agnes Miller Parker. What's that? It turns out she's a book illustrator from the 1940s. So that's my week.

What about I've just found Noel Edmonds inflatable? I mean, come on. Is that what you Googled? Yes! That's Candice, the inflatable woman that Noel Edmonds travels around with. Yeah. Good that you and I, close friends as we are, have done Noel Edmonds inflatable and Archbishop Pole in the same week.

Frank Skinner, live every Saturday morning from 8 till 11 on 105.2 FM in the West Midlands. Anyway, nicely swerved, your Google history. Oh, er... What have you got on your Google history, Alan Cochran? One of my favourites of recent history is I googled how much is the Iceland away kit? You know, the Iceland football team. So you actually googled a question? Yeah, I did. I'm not surprised that it started with how much is the Iceland away kit? You know, the Iceland football kit. So you actually googled a question? Yeah, I did.

I'm not surprised that it started with how much is. Because I bet you have quite a few of those. I do, actually, yeah. I just watched it and I was really, I like that football strip. That is a cool strip. You were thinking of buying the Iceland away strip. I don't think I've owned a full football strip since I was about nine.

Like, socks, shorts, top, everything. Yes, I wonder why that is. Oh, that'll be because you're an adult. They are dear. You're right. Oh, no, that's not what you meant. I've got a West Brom one. Not absolutely up to date, but I've got the last...

I've got the Zoopla days. I might get one. I might get the full Iceland kit. I've got an old Arsenal kit somewhere. You know, and it was all fashionable for ladies to wear the kits. Do you remember that one? Oh, I thought you meant it had been left at your club. Yeah, that would be quick work.

That is going on eBay, my friend. Who's at Sotheby's? Might make Sotheby's. Anyway. Imagine if I did splash the cash and just get a full Iceland strip. Imagine if I sold that, I'll knock it. If you turned up here in a full Iceland away strip, I'd be very, very happy, Alan Cochran.

Yeah. I also Google things that I'm already doing as if to reaffirm that I'm right to be doing them, which, and then I get a bit obsessed. Like what? Like, for example, you know we talked a couple of weeks ago about me eating a tin of sardines in a train toilet? You didn't Google that.

That is because the previous day I'd Googled, like, sardines health benefits and thought, oh God, they're really healthy, they're like a multivitamin in a fish, I'd better eat more sardines. And then I'd just become obsessed with it and start doing it according to the Google search that I've done. If I was Mrs Cockrell and I was having a little snoop through your search history and I found out sardines plus health benefits I think I'd rather see some filthy creep thing. I think she would, yeah. I think you're absolutely right. Sorry.

Although she's not exactly innocent in this department. I had a really weird moment with my wife this week. You know when you're on the phone? Gather round. Lean in everybody, lean in. Do you know, because I haven't watched Love Island last night so this will be a substitute. You know when you're on the phone gather around yeah lean in everybody lean in do you know because i haven't watched love island last night so this will be a substitute you know when you're on the phone to a person and you get cut off and there's a little moment where you can hear them but they can't hear you

you know that moment and usually this is i've never had that experience in my entire life oh come on you've never heard background noise i've never heard when i can hear them and they can't like when you're in an area of weird reception at your end and it goes and you can hear them talking. You know, it's a bit odd. And they sometimes go, are you still there? You know that moment? Have you had that moment where somebody's on the phone and they've said... I haven't, but I can imagine what it would be like.

Are you still there? So anyway, I was speaking to my wife whilst I was driving to a show. Using a hands-free system, fully legal, everyone relax. Okay. And I said, so how are you doing? She went, I'm just about to have a shower, I a hands-free system, fully legal, everyone relax. And I said, so how are you doing? She went, I'm just about to have a shower, I've been out running. And I said, yeah, well, I'm chatting away. And then the phone starts breaking up and she goes, he's gone. She said, he's gone. Not, are you still there? She said, he's gone.

Who did she say it to? Herself, apparently. Well, you say that. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. He's gone. Thank God for that. He's gone. I said, yeah, thank God for that. Exactly.

Now, ooh, baby. Ooh, baby. Oh, no. You, my friend, are slam door stock. Oh, no. Frank Skinner on the radio. Oh, no. Frank Skinner on the radio.

I also Googled men's capsule wardrobe this week. Oh, did you? Which is where you pare down all your clothes so that you've just got, like, I don't know, 25 to 40 items and you don't have lots and lots of clutter in the house. But you like all the items that you've got and they all work together. I see. I mean, there's no real mention of a full Iceland away strip in there, because...

No, but if it's something you like... This is the conflicting Alan Cochran. Like, on one half, I want to minimise my wardrobe and on the other half, I want to buy four items, like two socks, shorts and a new top. Shin pads, do you think? Shin pads, maybe not, maybe not. That's too much. Go figure, go figure.

I'll tell you where I am going to go. Where? Me by gun, me by gun, me by gun, mail corner. He's gone. I've arrived. That's what my wife says on the phone, he's gone. He's gone. He's gone.

Yeah, we've got an email here. Good morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Going back a few months to your discussion on why the word spate is only ever used to describe a series of burglaries has since happened upon a few more. Yes, I think people said there's been a spate of burglaries. Yeah.

If you'd only a spate, use mops. Ever. I mean, the only other time is cancellations. Spate of cancellations. I used that in an email once to a man. I said, due to the recent spate of cancellations. We're no longer making arrangements. Is that what happened?

I can see that. He says, I've discovered a few more curious examples. For some reason, riddance is only ever good. Oh, that's true. Nothing is reeked but havoc these days. Yeah, I think that's true, Frank. Reek.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah. There's no maybe about it. I don't think there's much reeking happening except havoc. I feel people do reek something else. But I could be wrong. The nose thinks people reek. We only ever let bygones be bygones. Why can't there ever be something else?

We never go fro, only to and fro. That's a good one. Speak for yourself. People only ever run amok, never walk or do any other action amok, that's true. No, they never saunter amok. True. The shebang is only ever whole. You never get a half shebang, do you? Speak for yourself.

When with baited breath people only ever wait. As opposed to... He went there with baited breath. He's right. Yeah. P.S. While he's cosering a few of these... Are you doing his PR?

Yeah. While he's cosering a few of these, I've discovered that many are fossil words. A fossil word is when a word becomes obsolete but remains in use purely due to its inclusion in an idiom that is still in use. Oh. That's from Rob, prisoner459.

Northamptonshire. I'll give my best to the clown. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is he still operational? He's still at large. I'll give my best to the clown. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is he still operational? He's still at large. I think he's a fossil clown. He's not really in use, except in idioms.

I noticed that delinquents are only ever juvenile. That's a good point. Frank, that's so true. But, of course, you get delinquents of all ages. You do. They should really expand that. Get more in the delinquents gang. He's made some good points, though, old Bob.

Yes, I like it. I like any sort of... It's a good email. I like a language-based email. Middle-of-the-road music. Mm. Why isn't more cotton-edge music situated on other metaphorical areas of the road? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Camber music, which is a bit like, not chamber music, mine's, that wasn't just the typist in our novelisation. You know, camber being nearer

to the edge of the road would be more exciting. Yeah. Adverse camber music. Well, Ian has pointed out vengeance may be wreaked. He says this is not a threat, by the way.

Oh, yeah. But he does say vengeance may be wreaked. I don this is not a threat, by the way. Oh, yeah. But he does say vengeance may be wreaked. Do you hear wreaking vengeance? Not as much as I do. Anyway, I'm going to play a single yellow line single. Oh, nice. No. Pretty cutting edge.

We've had an email saying, Spate, a river is in spate when its bank is full or flooding. Geography teacher, St Albans. Doesn't even give a name, just as if there's only one. I love a geography teacher. I didn't know that. I struggled with geography. Johnny Spate, of course, who wrote Till Death Let Us Do Part,

but not spelt the same before you texted him. True enough. True enough. He was one of our dinner party guests. Was he? Yeah, of course he was, Frank. They all were. So we're still in email court. We are. And we've had an email from Yeah, of course he was, Frank. They all were. So we're still in the email corner.

We are. And we've had an email from Katie who says, long time podcast. Not Katie who runs Katie's cumbersome dog walking situation. Cat and dog. Cat and dog, somebody suggested. Cat and dog, that's good, actually.

As in K. K-A-T. Yeah. This is another Katie. Other Katies are available. OK. Long time podcast listener, first-time contacting. Has Alan tried the Hauser lock?

And there's a little link she provides to a website called hauserlock.com. Just in case he finds himself in a hotel with only flip-flops, they won't stop a burglar. Oh, yes. Hi, Emily and Frank. Compliments to all have been deleted accordingly. This is based on the fact that Alan Cochran wedges. Would wedge be the right word?

He wedges a training shoe. I would say place against, but yeah. Okay, he places a training shoe against his hotel door so that people, if they try to sneak in during the night, will be frustrated by the sole grip. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

And no, I haven't. He was away on one of his trips. It was one of the trips when he called home and heard, he's gone. Actually, she was quite chirpy about it. She sort of said, he's gone. Yeah. As if, like, you know, whoever this anonymous fella is, I think he agrees that I am a better conversationalist. It was fine that I was being spoken to.

She doesn't want him for his conversation. Yeah, she just wants him for the physical. I liked it was to herself, though. What's that? To herself is what I like. We hope. He's gone. Yeah, we hope.

We hope. Fingers are crossed. He's gone now. Where were we? Anyway, the Houser look I haven't seen, but I think it's highly unlikely that I would check into a hotel with just flip-flops, because I'm not really a flip-flop. Although I've recently invested in some sandals.

Have you? Velcro ones. Oh, how are they getting on? More surfer than Jeezy. We'll have you following the Nazarene before you know where you are. Do you know they're very on trend this season? No, no, these ones are not on trend.

No, I've got a sandal. They are what my daughter would call asgusting because she doesn't say disgusting and we've all picked that up. Asgusting. I find a do not disturb sign tends to just keep people out. I find exactly the opposite.

If I put a do not disturb sign on my hotel door, I may as well ask the entire staff of the hotel to try and come through that door. I have asked most of the staff in the past. Legend! Almost impossible. Madame?

I find anyone with a Do Not Disturb sign, I know exactly what's going on in there, and I think you are disgusting. Oh, no, come on. You could just be sleeping. Oh, come on. No, you're right.

Give me just a small break. I know what's going on in there. I know you filthy creeps. And don't alert the world to your behaviour. Well, I went in. I stayed two nights in a hotel, Well, I went in. I was staying two nights in a hotel. And when I went in the second day, the woman said,

we've moved you, actually. The penthouse has become available, so we've moved your belongings to the penthouse on the seventh floor. So I went up there, excited, and there wasn't a seventh floor. Oh, no. You're the victim of an elaborate hoax. Pranked. When I went back down, she said, well, you put a sign on your

door and said, please make up my room. Oh. Anyway. We've got jokes, folks. Yes, except they're written by someone writing for the Demon Headmaster. Hoorah. We've ended on a spectacular gag. Old-fashioned gag. Before we go, we should say that we are all very excited

that Tim Peake has landed safely. Yay! Our space hero has returned, and he's brilliant. I watched him talking, obviously by Saturday night, to a bunch of school kids. And it's really, it reminded me when I was a little boy and the space race was going on. Oh, of course, things were slightly different then. Yeah, that was my tea.

No, not really. Yeah, OK, guys. Yeah, OK. We love you. We'll call you in a couple of weeks. We've seen some other choirs. Thank you so much for listening this week. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. And, um, now get out.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake.