The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - The one where...

Episode Date: June 20, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has had a busy week which included a Garden Party at Lambeth Palace, The Women's World Cup and he's been entered in to a new chart. The team also discuss the new Top Gear and Xfactor hosts, Princess Anne's frugalness and Blanket Jackson.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't know if you should start a show with no fun, necessarily, as a warning, but there it is. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. Text the show. Go on. On 8-12-15.

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the show. Go on, on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio as one would a marching band. And email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had a lovely email already, Frank, this morning. Have we? Yeah, someone's got in early doors. This is from Mike Griffin.

He says, Morning Frank, Emily and Alan. I'm currently reading the letters of Evelyn War. Oh, yes. And I'm struck by how not only the way we communicate has changed from letters to texts but also the content of our correspondence one of Waugh's letters begins today my peacock died

it certainly puts in the shade texts such as just had a burger peep up whatever, Mike Griffin what a great text that would be Frank. Yes, I suppose what you're after really is, I've just had a peacock burger. Lush, you can combine the best of both ages. Yeah, it reminds me.

I like it when people say in public... I hope it doesn't remind you of something that happened to you. No, it reminds me of Johnny Cash's excuse for getting back onto drugs, was that he took them to kill the pain after an ostrich on his ranch had kicked him and broke his arm. Have you got any bird-related stories, be it a dead peacock or a violent ostrich? Why not text us at 8.12.15? I hope you're keen on the texts today. I mean, I've done

that quite well. They're specific, but... Violent birds. There must be some bird attacks. Hitchcock didn't just pluck that idea out the air. I've said pluck, yes, during the bird section. Oh, come on, swans. Don't talk to me about swans. Okay. Well, don't talk to us about swans, apparently. Why not? Do you not like them?

They're the most vicious ones, aren't they? Is that the one who pulled your skirt off at school? That was a dog, wasn't it? That was a dog. That was a dog, OK, sorry. I like the one who, like it was an episode of Friends. Like people always say, I remember that Seinfeld. Went, oh, shut up.

That's me, that's me that says that. Is it? Well, shut up. I've said that to you and you've said shut up. Yeah, old people say, do you remember that Simpsons episode? No, I don't remember it. Why would I remember that Simpsons episode? No, I don't remember it. Why would I remember that? There are some good ones. I don't remember stuff like that.

I watch it. Why do you get angry if someone asks you if you remember something? Because why do people paste their whole lives based on... You remember some weird stuff, so... OK. You know what I don't remember? You remember Johnny Cash's excuses for getting back on drugs and ostrich-related stories. You remember a man in Birmingham 40 years ago

saying, I'm no Tontinomo Cherie? Yes. OK. We're not allowed to discuss a Simpsons episode two years ago. But what I don't remember is, you know, that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when... Oh! Sort of, yeah.

You know, that bit in... I can't even remember the name of the film, though. What's it called, about the rock band? Spinal Tap. Yeah. Yeah. Hate it. OK.

Yeah, but we can't discuss any TV with you. Yeah, you can. Oh, yeah, Merlin. Merlin and Doctor Who. If no one watches it. OK, OK, I'm being a little extreme. But why does it always have to be an American half-hour formatted show with the light-hearted content?

Okay? All right? That's this morning's texting. Why? Why is it it's always Seinfeld, The Simpsons or Curb Your Enthusiasm or Spinal Tap? Anyway, I'm enjoying the Women's World Cup, if that makes you feel any better.

Oh, are you? Been watching it? No. You. Well, sisters are doing it for themselves. I've got a lot of Curb Your Enthusiasms to get through. Of course. What about that one when it's like trick or treat

and he doesn't give them money because they're not wearing costumes? Do you remember that? And then the next day, they've sort of covered his house in toilet paper. It was really brilliant. Oh, he's brilliant. They're much better than us, the Americans. They're much better at everything they do.

We're rubbish. We're just vermin. Yes. It's good, the Women's World Cup. Is it? I mean, I've watched four games, three of which are England games, so I'm a little surprised.

But the first game I watched... Were we rather good? What about this? I never do predictions. When people say to me, what's the score going to be, Frank, outside a football match? I say, how can I possibly know that?

And they get quite angry about it. Yeah. Chris, you can't. What's the point of saying what's the score going to be? As if I was Nostradamus. You're more a Corian, I think't, what's the point of saying what's the score going to be? As if I was Nostradamu You're more Ikorian, I think What?

Derek Ikora Oh, I thought you meant I looked like a choir boy Il Kimon Kimiong Il Anyway What was I saying there? What are you talking about?

So I was watching Germany versus Ivory Coast, and I said to Kath, because Kath won't watch football with me normally, but because she was women, she was sisters doing it for themselves. Oh, she's one of those women's livers. So I said, this is going to be 10-0 in one of those remarks.

It was 10-0. Oh, wow. So it was an accidental one. I didn't mean it. But watching England, I can honestly say watching the England women in the World Cup is almost exactly the same as watching the England men in the World Cup.

Is it? They played three games, lost the first one, and then won the next two while having been 2-0 up, playing sailing and letting goals in the dying minutes and being under terrible pressure. So it's almost exactly the same experience. Did you feel similarly stiff with stress?

You know what, there's something nicer about it. I think I care about the women's team more because they seem like nicer people. Right. Well, they probably are, to be fair. They probably are, let's face it. Not that there's much doubt about that. I mean, I bet they're not,

I'll complete this when the music's on. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We've had an email in.

You requested bird tales, if I'm not mistaken. I don't send in any bird tales. No, alien. That you've hacked off. Oh, yeah, that's not what we want. And also, not like 70s anecdotes about ladies. Speaking of the 70s and tales, do you remember docking? Tail docking.

Docking? Yeah, I do, baby. Yeah, what they used to do was poppies... Is this in the S&M community? No, no, no, this was about... I barely knew the S&M community in those days. I had a couple of contacts, but... Is that you familiar with them?

It was harder to communicate with them in those days, wasn't it? Yeah, they were more underground. But Poppy's tails, they used to dock them. They used to make them shorter. My dad always used to say, just find the join of the

cartilage and bite it. When you say they used to, Frank's dad did it once. No, I think docking of tails was a thing. Was a common thing. Anyway, we've had a bird anecdote. Hi, Frank, I was once followed home from the gym by a mallard. Wow.

That's that text. That starts it off, doesn't it? If you've got bird anecdotes. Oh, see, I want more. I want more there. How far, how far from the gym do you live that a mallard would persist? Yeah, it could have just been coincidence. I love that mallard.

It could have been going the same way if it was a short journey. But if it was like 18 miles, then A, you need to get a closer gym or a home gym, and B, that's beyond coincidence, isn't it? It is. I think I would have sang, Mallie, mallie, mallie, mallie, mallie, mallard. Brown, white and green. Brown, white and green.

Brown, white and green. We've also had an email. Do you remember, I'm just going to move on from that. Do you remember the episode of Phoenix from the Flames when Frank and David recreated Johann Niskan's penalty versus Germany in the final of the 1974 World Cup final? Ledge, that is all.

There you go. There's a ledge, there's a bird anecdote. A lot of that. He said to me, Johan Niskens... I love it when you start an anecdote like that. He was on about... They were at the training ground at the club he was coaching at and a bunch of very violent fans, like about 300 fans,

suddenly appeared. And they weren't happy with the way the team had been playing, so they'd come to tell him. So these, like, really scary blokes suddenly appeared and started approaching him en masse. I said, you must have been terrified. He said, me, terrified? I took a penalty in a World Cup final.

Whoa! That is good. That is good. I have often quoted... I use it myself now. That's good. People just say, what's he talking about? I've had an email in from Andrew.

I say I like it was me personally. Andrew? Here he is. Hi. Hi all. So that's whatever I say when Prince Andrew appears me personally? Andrew. Here he is. Hi. Hi all. So that's whatever I say when Prince Andrew appears on the telly. I say, here he is.

Here he comes. I don't know why, but I do. Try it. It's very satisfying. Extremely satisfying. Try it at home. Hi all. Ree Frank's joy at his parking triumph at the seaside last week. I recently was

driving home from work in the outside lane of three. Spotted a bit of Ancient Mariner, that. I like that. Spotting traffic problems in the distance, I managed to move across to the inside lane and offered a junction, thus saving myself valuable minutes. Oh, good one. In doing this, though, I found myself

humming very loudly the A-Team theme tune. Then, arriving... Allow me. Oh, good one. Allow me. In case you don't know it. I smoothly reversed in the first time i leapt from the car and like frank at a cash machine looking back at the best park of my life began to sing looking good today looking good in every way the words i believe to the nana cherry hit of the mid-80s buffalo songs i don't wouldn't have got that but see i've never parked the car i think i've never reversed into a space see, I've never parked the car, I think. I've never reversed into a space

and then leapt out of the car. Because it takes me about five minutes to slither through the tiny gap I've got when I open my car door. Yeah. And you always think, what if I bang it against the car and the man's coming?

That's what I always think. What if the man's coming and he sees me at his car? I won't be able to jump back into my car for safety. I'm going to have to take him on head to head. Oh, I like it when they're reversing and I'm approaching back to my car and I just sit and they don't know.

And then I stop and they realise they're in trouble. Oh, I don't like that. I like them to see that I'm there. I don't want to be one of those road rage victims that you hear about. Okay? That's just what I'm telling you.

Yeah. No comedy in that. I'm just being straight with you. I agree, yeah, yeah. Life's too... But do people ever say life's too long? No, it's this link that's too long. I got mixed up.

Sorry, everyone. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin everyone. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I, um, went to a garden party. Did you? Which I believe is, if I remember rightly, is the opening line of, oh, what's he called?

Ricky Nelson I went to a garden party no? it's a song I think it's about a song about Ricky Nelson who became Rick Nelson when he got older and more mature did a gig at Madison

Square Garden and I think it went really badly if I remember rightly. Anyone who knows the story can correct me if I'm wrong. And he wrote a song about a terrible gig. That really appeals to me. Someone who would not only tell people about it but would make a song

about it. Fantastic. Anyway, I went to a garden party at Lambeth Palace. The home of... Well, I think we all know who lives there. The ABFC, of course, lives there, the Archbishop of Canterbury. This is the new fella. Well, he's not that new.

Some of you may know that in the past, we talked about celebrities. There's celebrities who you like, and there's celebrities who you'd actually like to have as a friend. And I named Tracey Emin and Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The former ABFC. Yeah. And I got to know Tracy Emin on the strength of that and also got to know him. But he... Morning, Trace, by the way. Yeah, he has regenerated, as Archbishop of Canterbury's do, into Justin Welby.

And I met him this week. I went along to that. A new one. Yeah, I went along. I think what happens with Lambeth Palace, which of course is the very centre of the Church of England, is that there are so few people in public life who fess up to being followers of the Nazarene that in the end they have to go Catholic. That's how desperate they are.

So I got invited. Was he by the full regalia, Justin? If it's not a rude question. He was about... Or the garden party. No, he had the dog collar on. And I've been to a few parties where we've worn dog collars. Yeah, of course.

As you can imagine. But I'm on about the clerical. I'm on about the clerical dog collar. And the big cross, you know. Oh, okay. And then shorts and Crocs. No, he didn't have that. Oh, I love that.

It's a big party. What was... Yeah, but he wasn't doing the Barbie. Oh, really? No, there was a... Not in that frock coat. I have to say, it was the best. What about this?

I've been to some pretty big opening dues in my time. You know, I've been to the Harry Potter first movie. We went together to that. Yeah. I went to Lord of the Rings opening and all that. I would say the best catering I've ever had was at Lambeth Palace the other night. I went to Lord of the Rings opening and all that. I would say the best catering I've ever had was at Lambeth Palace the other night. Was it?

Really? It was beautiful. What did they give you? It was variety. Asparagus wrapped in boiled ham. Did they have anything more fancy than that? I'm just starting with things. That was the first thing I remembered the next morning, obviously.

But it was brilliant. He did the whole thing as well with five loaves and two fishes. How he did it, I don't know. I never know how he did that. But anyway, he was... Who goes? Are you the main celebrity there? No, no, I wasn't. There was a few.

I think I was the main Catholic celebrity. I am... I was recently named in the top 100, the tablet magazine's top 100. I'm number 47 in the top British Catholics. That's pretty good.

I'm above, one above, Jose Mourinho. Is that right? And who's above me? Who is above me? Hold on. Who's at 46? Tell me that. Adrian Charles. No, he's low.

He's 77. He's 77. No, he texted me about it. He said, I'm on in. You're 47. I'm on in. Well, he reads Tablet as well. Yes.

Wow, you guys. We'll be doing that in the first episode of When A Child Is Born. It's like you doing motorcycle news. You've got to look after your main, your core. But Josie Marino is on the 100 best British Catholics. Who's won above Frank? In Britain. Oh, OK.

Who's won above? It's joint. I'll give you a clue. It's joint. It's joint. Oh. Oh. Which and Judy?

No, but you're in the right ballpark. That was a clue, by the way. Ballpark. Football manager and wife. Wayne and Colleen Rooney. Are above me! I mean, I bet, as my old priest at Swiss Cottage used to say,

I bet they're lapsed up to the eyeballs. I don't know, they might be regular goers, but I think if you go every Sunday, you should... So, yeah, it's not a bad score, though, 47. No, it's not a bad score. I'm glad that's how you're judging it. They don't know what a big goal setter you are. I predict that you'll be three by next year.

Well, I'm working at it. I'm surprised. I've also got my eye on upping my... I'm seven out of ten in Doctor Who top trumps. Are you? I reckon I can edge that forward a bit. What it needs is another appearance. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you something about the Archbishop of Canterbury. Go on. It's the beginning of many a good story. First of all, I really... A most of Franks. I really liked him. Did you?

Really liked him. All right, calm down. And he did a brilliant thing. Everyone was gathered around talking and he got up to speak on a little platform, you know. But no-one had noticed him get up. So when he touched the mic, there was a bit of a... And everybody was a bit startled.

And he said, Don't worry, it's only the Archbishop of Canterbury. That was how he opened. That's one of the best opening lines I've ever... That's decent material. Don't worry, it's only the Archbishop of Canterbury. Yeah. I realise I'll never say that.

Well, imagine if you were made Archbishop of Canterbury. Now, that would be controversial, to say the least. Oh, you think? I mean, the tablet might have something to say about it. Oh, God, that could send me crashing down the top 100. Yeah. On which note, we've had a text from 761 saying, Hi, can Frank please explain what he means

by not wanting to fess up to being followers of the Nazarene? Fess up means, like, to confess. Yeah. Well done. It doesn't get the other way. You might have to explain the Nazarene. The Nazarene is Jesus, because he's from Nazareth. So he's referred to sometimes as the Nazarene.

It's a word I love. In a similar way, people hear my accent and say the Yorkshireman, like that kind of thing. Yes, a bit like that. Yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to help. I think of you as the hairy biker. Well, thanks very much.

I think I have an idea it's been taken, that one. It's slightly more accurate than the Yorkshireman as well. We're getting a lot of bird-related emails and texts as well. My parents had a budgie that would play football with a soft mint. That'd be a work scene. My dad would balance two marker pens and that would be the goal. As he was running around the table, he would say, Come on, Zach. His name was Zach.

Who would say that? The budgerigar? I don't know. I'm assuming that the father said it. I did record it on my phone, but alas, when the phone died, so did the video. Oh, what a loss. Yeah, that's the way, isn't it? What a loss. Good use of a soft mint, though. We've also had a text from 119.

Hi, Frank and gang. Myself and my friend David were chased by a peacock for David's crisps at Leeds Castle when we were about ten years old. And he finishes, Leeds Castle isn't in Leeds. No. Good. That's one of those points. Good info.

Yeah. Now, I saw a kid at the Botanical Gardens in Birmingham just walk over and punch a peacock straight in the face. I mean, really properly hard. And the peacock went... And chased him for, I would say, 150 yards. One of the best things I've ever seen. And I'm including that episode of Seinfeld where he...

Oh, yeah. Oh, I know the one. I love that one. You know the one where Kramer... Interesting you should say that. And then Seinfeld, where he... Oh, yeah. Oh, I know the one. I love that one. You know the one where Kramer... Interesting you should say that. And then Seinfeld... You know that one. Do you remember that one? A few people have also picked up on those sort of texts that we're running. We've got one here.

Do you remember that bit in the film Bananas when Woody Allen is walking down the street and he offers to help a guy struggling to reverse into a tight parking space. He hand gestures him in until the driver smashes into the car behind him. And then he walks off. He gives him the, OK, you're fine now, thumbs up, and walks off. I do remember that. Genius.

Oh, so you don't even mind that bit. Why don't you mind that? I don't mind any parking-based anecdote. Just the fact that anyone can park even that badly is amazing to me. When I watch parking, it's like watching close-up magic for other people. Skinner,

Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a bit of an incident. A Paul incident. You may recall that 761 texted us earlier saying, can Frank explain what he means

by people not wanting to fess up to being followers of the Nazarene? Ah, yes. And I explained both fess up. NASA dealt with, I assumed. Me too. Incorrect. 761 has re-texted us,

I know who the Nazarene is oh i don't know if you said it in that tone and obviously i will impose you're right i know the nazarene is thank you very much i love it when you're in tone on a text message well it's funny because my boyfriend doesn't like it when i do that he says that's the worst thing i do. It's not, of course. He doesn't know you that well, then. I am a follower myself. I was asking why anyone wouldn't want to fess up to their faith. Thank you. Not after a heated debate, I promise.

Four exclamation marks, though, which I think is a positive sign that there's some kind of jocularity present. Yes. It's funny, I thought that whole episode had been put to bed and now it's risen again. What, like that episode of Seinfeld when Kramer doesn't know Simon of Cyrene is? Can I lend you the box set? Oh, let me lend you the box set. We have also had a text from a different reader, 702, saying to you, Frank, really there's an educated man that you believe in any religion.

So there you are. Think yourself lucky. I haven't been really surprised since the 90s. Speaking of which, I was in Foils, the bookshop. Oh, yeah. Do you know it? Yes. Strange question.

They have sections in there. They have the normal, you know, fiction and all that. Oh, OK. What did you think of it? A bookshop with sections. No, no, but they have... He doesn't get out much. What I mean is they have...

You know what I mean. They have, like, a table that says things like cold as ice and it'll be Scandinavian fiction or something like that. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Comedians of the 90s. Well, that was my problem. They had a table called Big in the 90s. I was frightened to look at it.

Oh, no. I was absolutely frightened. From a distance, I could see Morris's autobiography. I thought, God, if he'd come in, he'd turn the table over. Was it Mark Lamar, Best Radio Moments? Mark Lamar, I still think, should be the new John Peel. I'm a huge fan of Mark's. Fantastic.

And I think there was the Tracy Thorne book, but I wouldn't go too close, because I just knew there was a real chance that I'd been... Overlooked? No, that I was in it. He was in it. I wanted to be overlooked. Oh, and that's just...

Big in the 90s suggests, and now quite small. Oh, yeah, I suppose so. There's a lot of people from the 90s getting a career resurgence. Well, yeah, that can happen. They do come back, it's true. I'm still waiting for the call. But I've read the highway code from cover to cover this week, just in case.

Have you? I've been the only person who's ever read the highway code after they've passed their test. I bet there isn't a person in Britain who's done that. Why would you do it? For the cartoons?

I'll tell you something else. I went to the opening night of 1984. Oh, the musical. No, the year. It means New Year's Eve. 1983, 84. That's what we should call them, the musical. No, the year. It means New Year's Eve. 1983, 84.

That's what we should call them, opening nights. This year I'm going to say opening night 2016. Yeah, original cast. So, you know, 1984, obviously, George Orwell and all that. Yeah. God, you're all about Orwell, aren't you? 1984, Room 101. 1984 well that was it that was one of the things that's becoming frank's brand i must admit i um when they started talking

about room 101 in the play i did think you know this book's never going to be the same for me again there because they were saying what is in room 101 i don't want to go in room 101 and i just felt self-conscious and awkward i felt the whole audience were looking at me and they weren't. But that was in fairness because you stood up. Yes. To get the applause. Yeah, I did. I stood up with a little Room 101 logo.

No, I didn't. But it was... Now, what about this? This is the most Route 1 thing I think I've ever done in my life. I watched the... I don't want to... No spoilers, but suffice to say that the main character, Winston Smith... I don't think it's spoilers. A novel that was

written when was it? In the 40s? I remember a lot. A lot of people. Didn't he flip it? That's past statute of limitations. There might be people listening to this who think it sounds good. It's 1984. I might give it a crack. Yes, but there might be people listening to this who think, oh, it sounds good, it's 1984. I might give it a crack.

Yes, he did make it in 1948, exactly. So, I think it was actually published in 49. Never mind. He, um... It does not look a lot about Orwell. The main character, Winston Smith, is terrified of rats. That's his big phobia. And that night, I was woken up at three o'clock in the morning

because I had a dream that I was being attacked by rats. What are the chances of that happening? No, but I had... Very high odds. Very high, indeed. I don't normally have nightmares, not since the Brits. And also, often I have a dream and I'll lie back and spend some time pulling it apart

and working out where all the bits come from. That one was just the most, the easiest dream interpretation of all, honestly. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. I'm with Emily Dean, who changes three times a day. Clothes, I meant. And Alan Co who changes three times a day. Yeah. Clothes, I meant. And Alan Cochran.

And aspects of my face. Who's still basically Ocean Collar's scene in his appearance. I'll tell you where you can get a job. There's a new show coming up. What's that? TFI Friday. Oh, yeah. You can text the show, not that show, this show, on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. TFI Friday doesn't do text. They do letters still. Do they still do letters? What a respect to that. It's your letters. Perhaps I can get out my goat's foot letter opener after all. That'd be good. What about Chris Evans?

Well, he's done well. He's done well for himself. He's replaced Jeremiah Clarkson. He has. He said he wasn't going to do it. He did say on Twitter, I saw his tweet, and he said, I categorically deny it. I don't think he knows what categorically

means. I think he thinks it means not at all. Yeah, but he is doing it. I mean, it's a good booking, isn't it? For him? Well, I mean, for them. He knows about cars. Yeah. You couldn't have me on doing it.

You're getting excited because you've managed to reverse park. Yeah. Star in a reasonably priced car park. Did you think you were in the running? I was mentioned on Twitter apparently as a possible sidekick. Were you? Can you imagine it?

Wacky sidekick. I think someone mentioned my boyfriend and he doesn't drive. I vote for George Michael. Yes, that would be good fun. that would spice it up a bit good fun what I particularly liked about this whole thing was did you see

when he accepted the job there was a very 1970s kind of publicity thing where he drove off in an open top car, a bit Simon D if any of our readers recall him. Well, a bit Kate Middleton and Prince William. That's what they did.

It was a very glamorous open-top sports car. He had the aviator shades. Excellent. All looking good. Well, you say excellent, but there's one problem. Don't stick your balding agent in the seat next to you. It didn't look glamorous. He's looking all stressed on his smartphone

in a slightly strained suit. You could see the top of the head. Well, that's what Kate Middleton did. She made exactly the same mistake. People were thinking Kate Middleton's driving off with her agent. Yes.

I think she's spoiled the whole thing by having that slightly chubby face balding bloke in there. At least he was driving. You should have had a doggy bear in the car. You see, for me, the whole point of doing well in life is that someone else does the driving. Is it? These people, they want to drive their own cars.

And a lot of them, they don't even want the manual gearbox. Oh, no, they do want the manual. They do want the manual, yeah. They want that, that whole thing. Well, hang on, they have to have that, because the programme itself is called Top Gear. Yeah, but there's still a Top Gear on an automatic.

Yeah, but you couldn't know for certain that you were in it if it was an automatic. Oh, don't you see? You ought to do it. Couldn't talk about it. No. Listen to this conversation, I think you both should do it. What about us three? Yeah, just be free.

What if I did one for beginners called First Gear? Yeah. No, honestly, you could do it because you do like cars. I don't. I don't particularly know

anything about cars. Like, Chris Evans has said for the videos, you know, the public are allowed to audition. He said that they can send in videos of themselves but you've got to know about cars. He said that they can send in videos of themselves, but you've got to know about cars.

He said that's the one condition. I think that's a fair thing. Are you allowed to say that nowadays? What, that you've got to know about cars? Yeah, I don't know if that's fair. That's fair advertising for a job. Yeah, like we could sue him on an equal opportunities basis. Anyway, I think he's the right man for it.

Yeah. I mean, if they want it to carry on in that vein, which they clearly do. He said there's going to be a female co-host. He said, I'm 100% certain. Yeah. Yeah, well, he probably knows if it is. That helps. Well, I think...

Based on his previous categorical denial, I'm not certain that can be taken as... Well, I would pay £1,000 if it was white D. Yes. What if it was me? What if I was a Stig? Oh. That would be brilliant. Such fun.

And Grimshaw... Grimmy. ...has got X Factor. Yeah. Do you know what it... When I saw these two pieces of news in conjunction, I thought to myself, you can spend your whole life

trying to write clever jokes and come up with interesting views on things, but what the public really want is to be asked whether they're having a good time. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. You see, the thing is with this Grimmers, Mr Grimshaw you like to call him, don't you? Mr Grimshaw?

Yes. He favours, as does Simone Cowell, the male cleavage, or as I believe it's called, the heavage. The heavage? Yeah, the male cleavage. He likes the open neck shirt, doesn't he? There's going to be a lot of heavage on that show Like Nookafantom

I beg your pardon? Nookafantom was a bloke I used to drink Is that a foreign language? That was his name, Nookafantom A sneersmethic I used to drink with him in the 70s And he always had his shirt right the way He was probably 50 on he always

had his shirt absolutely exposed and if he leaned forward you could see he got like a red v on his chest and then very very wide around the rest of it you say that but he was no tontonoma sheree he wasn't he wasn't but he uh he was consistent in his look, I'll give him that. A little bit of a nook of phantom. On absolute radio. Specialist interest. I sort of, I tell you what I admire about Grimo. Go on.

Is that he's got, I've never been that good at the friends thing, I'll be honest with you. He's got loads. Tons. Oh, he knows everyone. But that's a good sign, isn't it? Yeah. Doesn't that mean he's probably a nice chap?

Possibly. I don't know. That's a way you could take it. I would say that it might mean that he has a lot of shallow media-type relationships rather than... No, I think he's... No, I'm he's life. No, I'm just saying that's another way of taking it.

You must have. Positive thinking approach. And I never thought I'd say that. When I was a kid and I used to watch those Bacardi Rom adverts, I used to think, oh, are there people that actually live like that? And Grimo, he's that man. Yeah.

Do you think he's got the dream lifestyle? Well, apparently Kate Moss put a word into him. Yeah him with Simone Cowell. Well, there you go. That's how I got this job. Do you remember Kate Moss, fun frank, and said, I think you should use Alan Corcoran. Well, I had Dr. Rowan Williams put a word in for me. You know, everyone's got their trailblazers.

And, you know, that's how it works. I don't know. What surprises me is that Grimo is from Oldham and now he's got this contact book that it says in the paper that it's to die for. He's got a to die for contact book. People would love to have his showbiz contacts. You never got me this, John.

Who? Lamar from Kajagooga. Did he? Yeah. One phone call. Boom, you were in. Yeah. No, I don't.

I mean, you know, it's a bit like, it's the celebrity version of winning the lottery, getting the Britain's Got Talent judging. Not Britain's Got Talent. X Factor Darling, that's the other one. Oh, yes. I don't watch either of them anymore, I must say. But the X Factor thing, it's a nice, it's a cushy.

I don't think the mentoring is, I don't think they're killing themselves with it. You don't? So I sort of... You know when somebody wins a lottery, you think good luck to them. That's how I think about Grimo and Rita Rora. Actually, you usually say it won't change... It will make you happy, is what you say when someone wins the lottery.

No, well, I'm not saying Britain's Got Talent will make them happy. It's not Britain's Got Talent. What's it called? The other one, X Factor. X Factor, darling. I'd say I don't... The other one, X Factor. X Factor, darling. I'd say I don't... How many times do I have to say X Factor, darling? I stopped watching them.

I used to love them, love them, love them, love them, and then stop like that. It was exactly the same with oven chips. I couldn't get enough, and then bang, it just stopped. Yeah. It's the weirdest thing. But anyway, if you're listening, Grimoire, you're up early.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you what, on the X Factor thing, by the way, did you read the Katie Hopkins thing about Rita Ora being on X Factor? I don't know, what did she say?

She was quite unkind. Katie Hopkins! I know. No way. I know. But we all have our moments. And she... I haven't seen Rita Ora on The Voice.

But Katie Hopkins predicts that she'll be incredibly boring on a thing, which I thought was a bit harsh. Rated aura. Yeah. In fact, she closes with the Latin slogan, our aura borealis. Does she?

Yeah. Which I thought was pretty clever. Mm-hm. OK. Yeah. Extraordinary moment in broadcasting. I thought so. There's been stranger ones this week. Yeah. Extraordinary moment in broadcasting. I thought so. There's been stranger ones this week.

Yeah. Anyway, shall we get to E-Mail Corner? Yeah, E-Mail Corner. Shall we? I'm looking. Here he is. Oh, that's not it. Keep talking.

Keep talking. Is that Prince Andrew? Here he is. Here he comes. Here he comes. See, it's our aura. Borealis. Yeah, yeah.

That's what it is. I wonder if she thought of the pun first and then reverse-engineered it, saying, I'm going to call her boring, and then I can call her borealis. Can I say she didn't think of the pun? I made that bit up. Oh, what a shame. You honestly thought Katie Hopkins.

I did, yeah. OK, she's got good legs, but her Latin is all over the place. Good legs? I feel a fool now. She has got good legs, Katie Hopkins. I think you can say that about Katie Hopkins. Frank sees the positives, even in what I like to call public hate figures. You do, you have to find the good in people. He always looks I like to call public hate figures.

You do, you have to find the good in people. He always looks for the good in the hate figure. Very good at that. I have an email here. Mussolini, brilliant with his shirt off. He looked great with his shirt off. Did he? He wasn't a young man. The only ones that I can think of to add are not good things to say on the radio. Then don't say them, dear.

Hello, Frank and the lovely team. This is an email about life's little pleasures, I would say. Is this the strangest show we've ever had? No. Why no? There is something really curious about it. Hello, Frank and the lovely team. I'm no gardener, but I am glad...

Like someone's knocking upstairs. That's true, yeah, during the show. It's like Derek Okora with his medium. What's the medium? Hello, Frank and the lovely team. Oh, what is it called? Sorry, what is Derek Okora's medium called? Sam.

Sam! Sam, that's right. Do you not know? I didn't like the way you both pointed at me as if I was meant to know either. Oh, I thought one of us has to know. And it was you. Yeah.

Which is the right order of things, I guess. Thank you. All right, Alan, as you were. I am no gardener. I'm reading this as the emailer, by the way. I'm no gardener, but I am glad I am not the only one who admires the lawn after I have cut it. That's a thing you do, isn't it? Oh, yes.

That's what you said. Yes. To stand back and look at a newly mown lawn, it's the most proud I think I've ever been of any inanimate object. I am sad enough to actually get up. Can I stop you there? Is a lawn an inanimate object? It is, isn't it? Oh, no, it's not. Oh, I knew as soon as I said it I felt bad.

I'm sad enough to actually get up and look outside at various intervals to admire it, especially at night when it gets illuminated by the street lamp and looks like a green on a golf course with nice and trimmed edges. Oh. I read a short story by Sarky.

You know Sarky? He wrote short stories. Yes, I do. I find them a bit snide. Anyway. And he was moaning about, he went to a house and it was a very neglected garden and he said the lawn looked like it had been left out all night.

Which I very much liked. He also said of a cook, he said she was a very good cook as cooks go and as cooks go she went. Anyway, there you are. Sarky, ladies and gentlemen. Real name, Hector Hugh Monroe. I told you it was a strange show.

It only lasts a couple of days before it starts growing again. This is the lawn we're back on. And after a week, I have to repeat the process. I think it's the effort that you put in that gives you such satisfaction. Yes. I get annoyed if the neighbours have the lawns cut before mine, making it look untidy. And I've only got regular podcast listener is the name there.

Oh, they're anonymous. Keith, I remember. He had a council house he lived in, and the fence collapsed. And you can get the council round, but normally if the fence goes down you just lift it up that's all it needed

but Kate didn't get round to it and the lawn grew around it until you couldn't lift it it took a grip on it it tied it in it sort of fostered it you couldn't raise it because the grass was so entwined.

That's how long it was down there. Wow. That is good. I remember he bought some paint as well and wallpaper he was going to do. Again, he couldn't have got the council, decided to do it himself. It was in a corner for, I think, two and a half years.

Never moved. He's a great man. two and a half years. Never moved. He's a great man. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I think it's time to go to our next email. Can I just say something before we do? You know, we have a tradition

on this show, it's run for many years, called the Idiotic Eureka Moment. Yes. When you suddenly realised something that you should have realised a long time ago. That Sotty and Sweep are both

based on the chimney cleaning business par example. Or that Maureen Littman in the BT adverts played a character called BT. Yes. Maureen Littman in the BT adverts played a character called BT. Yes. Maureen Littman, incidentally, was at Lambert's Palace the other night. Was she?

Oh, the religion! I didn't know she was the Nazarene. No, well, she's of the older group. Yes, yes. Old Testament. You know. Anyway, it struck me this week for the first time, and I'm guessing you're going to say,

well, you idiot, of course, which is what should happen when you... Well, given that I didn't know City in a Sweep and I still don't quite understand it, I doubt that. Well, they're both references to, you know, what... I know, but it's too confusing. OK, OK. Anyway, Nintendo... Yeah? It's the first It's 910

That's not Isn't it? I don't think that's a thing No Isn't it? I don't think so Isn't it 910 Do

Well what's do? Do is like do it Short for 11 910 do it It's like you count to 10 910 do it I'm the idiotic eureka moment That's just idiotic 910 do 910 do No, it's like, do it. Short for 11. 9, 10, do it. It's like you count to 10, and then you do it. 9, 10, do. It's like the idiotic eureka moment.

That's just idiotic. 9, 10, do. Yeah. 9, 10, do. Look, you've counted up, because you're excited. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. They can't call it that. 9, 10, do, and you're off.

Whoa. Right. Back me up. Come on, back me up. I'm not backing up, because it's've really stumbled on something there, mate. That's absolutely absurd. Who's ever said 9, 10, do in their whole life? Obviously, people...

I've just said it twice. People that count up to 10 before they do an activity. Look, 9, 10, that can't be a coincidence, can it? Yes, it can. What, 9? Somebody said, let's call it Nintendo. It's just out of the blue. I'm worried now this Japanese blokeke going to text in and say,

sorry, my name's Dave Nintendo. There's lots of us in Japan, that's why it's called that. Well, that's what I think. There won't be anyone called Dave Nintendo. I don't think so. Eight. Eight Nintendo there might be. Honestly, one of the most silly things you've ever said. I think it's... We'll see. Someone out there

will know. We have the cleverest listeners on Radioland. I think that's established. They'll know. Okay. Is it time for the next email? Okay. Okay. 9102. It won't be as interesting. There you go. There you see. If it wasn't, it's going to catch on now. Do you know, I quite

like it now. I love it. It's a little ramp to ramp to action. You can start races and all sorts. Oh, I'm going to use it in the bedroom. Oh, God. I mean, like, you know, getting my jamas on. That's how Evo can start Top Gear. Yeah.

You're good for the opening sequence, aren't you? Oh, do you think he's listening to this thinking i'm having that might be nine ten do yeah nevertheless oh nevertheless we already have some news in about nine ten do would you like to know what it is yes six three eight it means no that's not six that's not right no that's the communicator oh sorry it means leave luck to heaven oh leave luck to heaven. Oh. Leave luck to heaven. Nine, ten. In Japanese. One would assume so.

Nintendo means... No, it's not as good as mine, is it? No, it's not. Well, it's a coincidence that leave luck to heaven has got nine, ten at the beginning of it. Well, it hasn't actually. It's got nin, ten. Yeah, but come on. Don't pick hairs.

Pick hairs? Do you pick hairs or do you...? You do, I suppose, if you're at a German singles night. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Absolute Radio. Nintendo Gate has meant that I still haven't read out the email I was about to read out. Okay. Okay? This is from Adam. Did we get any closure on Nintendo? Well, we've just had Nintendointendo comes from japanese roughly translated as leave luck to heaven yeah we had that before yeah but they then continue nintendo was originally nintendo was originally a playing card making company formed in 1889 which i suppose is what

the if it's about you know leave luck to heaven it's a game of chance, isn't it? Yeah, but they're not... Leave luck to heaven means that you should not need luck. You need to do it all on skill and abilities. Like Nintendo. Yeah. Is there any luck involved in Nintendo? A lot of people are saying Nintendo isn't Nintendo. They're getting quite angry with you, Frank.

They think you're a fool. I wonder if you're doing it on purpose, if you're like a broadcasting troll, if you're doing that thing to just wind people up. I wonder if you're like a... Who are you? One of the Billy Goats? You're a wind-up merchant. You, what I believe, is now referred to as a trollumnist.

Oh, excellent. Wow, and I'm actually a trombonist. Does that count? I saw a plastic trombone the other day, by. Wow. And I'm actually a trombonist. Does that count? Well, I saw a plastic trombone the other day, by the way. Never seen one before. You saw what? A plastic trombone? Plastic trombone.

It still sounds like a trombone, but it's plastic. That is good. That's nice, darling. Shall I read this email? Yes, please do. OK, this is from... That's nice, darling. This is from Adam, who spells his name with an E, controversially.

Oh. Mm. What, like the Dutch cheese? No, no. Yeah. Just like that. Do you think, you know when people say as in, like I used to know an Andy Rose, R-O-S-E, as in the flower?

Oh, yeah. That's his, as in the Dutch cheese. Right. That's what he says, Frank. So he's called E, Dan. No, he's not. Yeah. He's called Adam. Let's just go with it.. So he's called Edam. No, he's not. Let's just go with it.

Oh, okay. Can I tell you a story? I had a mate who, he went on a coach tour of Holland. And he was on his own. And he was on the coach. I think he was quite drunk. And there was a sign for EDAM.

And a woman, a middle-aged woman, said, Oh, Edam. There's a cheese called Edam. And at that moment, he sort of gave up on humanity. Honestly, I'm not kidding. He came back and he told me this story with genuine... As if he'd seen a massacre in the street. And after that, he lived on his own.

He gave up his... Honestly, I'm not making this up. He sort of gave up on people forever on the strength of that. What a shame. What a sort of admired... I admired him in a way that... That! It was...

It must have been the straw. It must have been coming. Yes. But honestly... It's a curious, inciting incident, as they say in the movies. He basically... He moved in on his own

and turned to drink and that was his... That was it for him. Like, it could have all been so different if she'd turned around and said, Edam, you know, it's the cheese... Yeah, he'd have been fine with that. If she'd said the around and said, Edam, you know it's the cheese that's made backwards. If she'd said the made backwards thing, Edam, made backwards. Yeah, well, I didn't know that.

He despaired of humanity. Is that what Edam means? Edam is made... No, it's a place called Edam. Yeah, I know, but it's made backwards, isn't it? You are. Look, Edam. No, I get it.

E-D-A-M. It's made backwards. Yes. It's not really made backwards. I think they make it in the same order as normal cheese. Oh, you two are remotely irritating. I'm not here to talk about dairy-based chronology. Anyway.

That sounds like you very much are. Could have changed the course of your friend's life if she'd made that little observation instead. As it was, she said Adam, and that was the end of it. I don't know about you, but this conversation is causing me to despair of humanity, and I'm about to turn to drink, and you won't see me or hear of me again. OK, let's do the email. OK.

Let's do it. This is from Adam, where it all started. Yeah. Hi, Frank Allen M. My good friends Leanne Tippman and Matt Bevan are getting married this weekend. Whilst... Leanne Tippman?

Yes. I'd be in a rush to get married. What? I was... Any name, any other name will do. Unbelievable. So what will she be then? She'll be called Leanne?

Bevan. Bevan, that's a good one. Whilst most couples will be spending quality time on their honeymoon, Matt will be having at least one hour away from his new bride. Can I stop you there? Yes. This thing about quality time on the honeymoon... You don't approve?

Is that an innuendo of some kind? Oh, yes, I think you're right. Because I think those days are gone, aren't they? Is it a bit of a humorous birthday card? No, I think it is... No, but people, you know... I mean, I don't want to go into details, but people used to wait until marriage...

Oh, I really appreciate that. ...to become... I see what you're saying. No, they don't wait. I'm not... These two may have. I'm what you're saying. No, they don't, mate. These two may have. I'm not commenting on their person. I'm generalising. What did your mum call it?

Was it the brush or living under the brush or something? Living over the brush when they weren't married, yeah. Oh, OK. But nowadays, I think a lot of people are already very close before they get married. Already very close, Hal. It's like the garden party. It's morning breakfast.

The AFC. Morning breakfast. It's breakfast radio. You're very close, Hal. Well, we were very close before we were married. Well, there you go. As my son will attest. I won't be commenting.

But so then, so the honeymoon was, you know, just so you went away on your own, et cetera. But now... On your own, et cetera! But now, it's as though... I don't know why people even have honeymoons. I mean, why... You've been together a while.

I think you should be allowed a time just to get used to the idea you've got married before you take on the brutal reality of a couple holiday. It's enough to break anyone. You're right, because I've got one next week. Yours will be lovely, though, because it's still early

days. But two or three years in a couple holiday is always a tentative time. You're right in a way, Frank. What people should do is get married and then take separate holidays and just enjoy themselves. That'd be great. That would be great. And then you get to have fun and then you convene. No, because you go away.

As Frank calls it, etc. If you went away for, say, three months on your own. Three months? Three months. After about ten weeks, you'd be really missing the other person and get back and it'd be brilliant. I don't want to make you feel sick,

but I miss them after a night. That's absolutely lovely. Yeah, that's nice. Anyway. Me and Kat started with a honeymoon. We had a honeymoon. That was our first date, basically. We went on holiday.

That's amazing. Yeah. And then, of course, you're so excited about each other. Amazing had a honeymoon. That was our first date, basically. We went on holiday. That's amazing. Yeah. And then, of course, you're so excited about each other. Amazing clash quite forward. I mean, you ended up together. I'm glad you did. It was a little bit forward, I suppose. Do you fancy going on holiday? I said, I'll take you anywhere in the world. Anywhere in the world you want to go, I'll take you. She said, the Lake District.

That's why you're still with her now. Yeah, exactly. Cheap. Anyway. So people still have honeymoons. Yes. So Matt will be having at least one hour away from his new bride. He insists on having his frank bath time.

Oh, it's that Matt. Bath Matt, I call him. Perfect. Where he locks the door. Yep, it is that, Matt. And listens to the podcast without interruption. Oh, lovely. Is that just a euphemism, though, like I'm reading the paper?

No, I think not. This means no toilet breaks for Leanne and no communication at all between the two whilst he listens to the pods. This has caused many an argument and this is still how he plans to spend his honeymoon. Could you please say hi to Leanne and Matt and wish them a happy marriage? And do any other readers have odd podcast listening habits? That's from Edam.

Well, I bet he's got very red skin. Can't go out in the sun. I think that's good. As you know, I believe that in any couple You should be the guardians of each other's solitude So why not let him have that time Because when you have kids That'll be out the window

So I think it's lovely How lovely that he listens to the podcast What about when my boyfriend went to the bathroom And I told him I had abandonment issues He left me Yeah I had Oh no I. He left me. Yeah. I had... Oh, no, I won't go into that one.

OK, so... No, anyway, we do wish Leanne and... Matt. And Matt. Yes. Yeah, we wish them a very long and happy marriage. Yeah. And I think separation, you know, periods of separation is a good idea,

if it's just an hour in the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. I've, I'll tell you after. But I've got a podcast. I'll tell you after. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together

The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Oh, we just had visitors. That's exciting. Yes, I've been arrested. I'm sure it'll all be fine. Not yet. It's not your time yet. Do your business at the top of the hour. OK, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. All in one breath. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can one breath. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Excellent.

Thank you. OK, officers, just this way now. I wonder if you could wait till I... That's actually... That's hurting me. So... What about Princess Anne? I've been waiting all morning to talk about this. No, she won't be alright. Oh, I see what you mean. No, she was a

woman after the cockerel's own heart this week. I feel like this story is very much between the two of us. It's got fashion and thrift. It really has. I don't know who should bring it up. That's what you two should do as a TV cop show called Fashion and Thrift. Yeah.

We've got that idea on many tables in the corridors of power. The tables haven't got corridors but you know what I mean. We would be a very good Rosemary and Thyme double act. Sure. So she recycled one of her favourite outfits. It's definitely what we call an old favourite.

Old favourite? 35 years ago Al. I first wore it 35 years ago. Respect. Amazing. Mustard coloured coat. Some of the news people called it yellow. It was white 35 years ago. Yeah.

She could have had it clean. She's left it in the smoking room. That's why it's gone there. Just outside the ceiling. That outfit is older than Nick Grimshaw. Oh, wow. Well, officially. According to his agent's records.

Yeah. That's it brilliant, though. Probably there's a paper this week where that outfit and Nick Grimshaw are in the same paper. Yes. And the outfit is older. What I also liked was that normally, you know, when the Mail Online or whatever are talking about what a lady's wearing, they'll say

she wore a coat by Dolce & Gabbana or by Valentino. And I'm not going to lie, I had to struggle. These weren't designers I was familiar with. Go on. Partly because Susan Small, her boutique closed down in 1958. No. Yeah. And this is true.

Hold on, so she must have had it for long. If she wore it 35 years ago. Yeah. And this is true. Hold on. So she must have had it for long. If she wore it 35 years ago. Yeah. When is that? This designer. Well, this is, she wore it. There was a designer who worked for Susan Small, the label, called Maureen Baker. Oh, yes, of course.

I tried to Google her. Mel Baker. And the only person that came up with that name was the chair of the Royal College of GPs. Right. So I don't, I'm not familiar with. She's had plenty of time for a career change. Yeah. Possibly she has. Anyway, I

think it was good that she was, I quite like the recycling. Yeah, why not? Yeah. Brilliant. Obviously you're going to say that, Karl Kroll. It's really good, yeah. I've got some jogging bottoms that I was given, I think, for Christmas in 1994. And I still wear them. A bit that I was given, I think, for Christmas in 1994,

and I still wear them. A bit moth-eaten and, like, the gosset has gone. You know, like, they're sort of more like MC Hammer pants now. I don't want to think about the departed gosset. I still wear them. Like Emile Zola. Oh, I thought that was a Matt Damon film. Didn't do so well.

But I haven't got anything that I could wear for best that's as old as that well for a start if i had stuff that was that old it would be you know from when i was five that's not going to fit now i think i've mentioned before when in the 70s when i was a young man people wore the same clothes basically every day you didn't used to say that tall chap you'd say you know that chap wears a tan leather jacket? That's how you describe people. And it was quite an event if someone came out in a different coat. Whoa! New coat!

But it was... I love the idea of someone saying that these days. True. Look a phantom. Oh yeah. He had that. New shirt, buttoned up. No, never. Never. It was the same suit, same shirt, wide open, almost to the navel, with the collars outside.

It's a sort of Harry Hill type thing, of always wearing the same clothes. Yeah. Yeah, so I respect her. I respect her frugality. And also, she, unintentionally, is very retro. She looked very on trend. Yeah. Because the 70s look is coming back, you see.

Which I think, I've always thought she's quite attractive, pretty much to say. Yeah, she's quite up your straws. She's got a very full lip. Do you know what I'm saying? Well, she's got... She has that kind of mouth. Yeah.

She's kept her figure, Frank. And the look that she probably would shove you about a bit. Pardon? Extraordinary remark. Put some music on. Music? OK. Here she comes You know the jogging bottoms that I mentioned earlier With the sagging gossips

That I've had for 20 years old Remember them I personally have improved over that 20 years, but they have not. They've declined. They were at their peak, I think, late 94. Is it like the jogging bottoms of Dorian Gray? Yeah, a bit like that.

But they've got a little bit moth-eaten, and I've recently had a moth problem where they ate a jumper of mine that was only 18 months old old or a year or something. Do moths still exist? They do. Of course they still exist. But evidently not in royal circles.

If Princess Anne can still be wearing a jacket that's 35 years old. She's got coats older than that. How can that be? Yeah, but, you know, they're able to see off wildlife without a second thought. I shouldn't think moths bother them much. Do you think they've just got permanent staff guarding the clothes? Imagine they've got mothballs, old-fashioned mothballs. Can you still buy those?

Yeah, but I've got them and they haven't worked. And you'll be getting the cheap ones from the market. Yeah, that's right. Do you think she's a person that's never read one of those articles about tidying up where you have to look at your own wardrobe and go, if I haven't worn this in 12 months it's going in the bin bag for the charity shop. Do you think she gets it out and goes,

yeah, I haven't worn this for 12 months, I'll give it another 20 years. Well, I was talking to someone recently, a lady, and she said... What? Stopping you, is there? She said to me that every year she puts... Well, she started this a few years ago.

All the coat hangers in her wardrobe are facing in one direction on the top. You know what I mean? So they're all hooked. I don't know if you're having this conversation with her. They're all hooked the same way. I think we were talking about hooks as a substitute for hands. Right.

She was talking about how they were substitute for hands. Right. Yeah. She was on about how all the they were all hanged the same way. And then every time she wears something that year, she puts it the other way. And then at the end of the year, the ones that are still facing the same way, she throws them out. Brutal.

She doesn't sound like she's got issues. She's not Princess Anne. No. Yeah, she, yeah. Although it is quite a good... It's a good system. Well, it is a good system, but I can't be keeping clothes for that long, Frank. Or a year. I really can't.

To be fair to Princess Anne, she's worn this coat five times, to our knowledge, and in the article I read, it said that the average woman wears an item that she buys seven times. Right. So Anne has still got a couple of wears, hasn't she? I believe it's called cost per wear. Yeah.

That's what they call it now. Look, Nook of Phantom went into, I think, four figures. Stop going by Nook of Phantom all morning. You've talked about him. No one knows who he is. And he's all we're talking about on the show. I'm amazed we haven't been inundated with texts saying, I remember Nuka Phantom.

Do you remember that time? But no. I don't know, perhaps it's not working. It's a computer problem. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Can I talk about what I did this week? Because you mixed with the Archbishop of Canterbury. You bought a new sat-nav, I believe.

I did, yeah. And I went backstage at... Take that, Gig. Really? Wow. God, it's uncanny. Yeah? Is that what it was like? I was guest of Gary Barlow.

We had passes with FF. Well, I didn't know what that meant. I thought it was Florence and Fred at Tesco. Let's see if we can work it out. F and F, it said. Friend, friend. F and F. Yeah.

Friend and... Foe. No. Oh. Friend and fellow tax dodger. How dare you? Sorry about that. These are my friends, these people now.

Well, I wish they would be. Frank and friend, yours could have been. So we went backstage. What is FNF then? I think it was friends and family. Of course. But you know what's interesting? Because it is a middle-aged crowd.

There's no getting away from it. I did fit in. Everyone's in their 40s. So he doesn't do Gary. He doesn't do Hello Wembley, partly because it's not at Wembley, it's at the O2, but he doesn't do the big Hello London thing. Do you know what he says?

Does he do when you're having a good time? No, can I tell you what he does? No, go on. He says, thanks for coming. I mean, once you've paid the parking and the babysitter, it's a really expensive night out, and I really appreciate it. I love that. That's good. I really liked it i love that that's good i really liked it

it was like seeing you live on stage yeah it does sound like me anyway so we go backstage that's good i loved it we go backstage and first we get taken to a bar i'm not gonna lie i'm a bit disappointed i mean it's a decent level of celebrity we're talking mark durden smith greg rudetsky it's okay yeah but there's no barlow there i'm thinking you know what it is what it is as great people often say so suddenly a steward comes through in a high viz jacket he says to me and my boyfriend could you come with me please i was so embarrassed i think mark durden smith thought we were being Dern Smith thought we were being kicked out. I thought we were being kicked out. We get led into another area. I hadn't paid for our parking.

You were getting clamped. We get led through. There's a woman there in a better quality high-vis. Oh, good. She says, go through there. She points to a wardrobe. It's a mahogany, ornate wardrobe. I couldn't believe it, Frank.

You have to go through there? Yes. Go through the wardrobe. I said, what do you mean? She said, go through that wardrobe. I couldn't believe it, Frank. You have to go through there? Yes. Go through the wardrobe. I said, what do you mean? She said, go through that wardrobe. Have you ever mixed up Gary Barlow with Mr. Tindless? No! She points to the wardrobe. She went, push it, push it. It's alright, Salt-N-Pepa.

Yeah. I pushed it. I walked through. Gary's standing there on the other side. I couldn't believe it. In all his regalia. In a wardrobe? No, the wardrobe was the door the portal it was a fake wardrobe yeah

it was a fake wardrobe a whole new world through to Gary's special F&F area as it were aww reclose my wardrobe brilliant

I think it might have started with George Michael who knows but someone decided that was a good thing to have backstage it's very clever did he say

shut the door before some of the plebs get in? Well, I was so excited. It was very star-studded. Apparently he's removed the back for good. Oh, right! Removed the back. Removed the back.

Oh, you would have got on, you know his material. Well, there's room for him now in a wardrobe. There's only three of them left, isn't there? Only three to take that. Probably room in the car, home, actually. Always get in with the children. Yes, then they'll love you. Yeah, I got in with the children. She liked Frozen. I said to Gary before

he went on stage, I said, oh, are you going to sing Frozen? Are you going to sing Let It Go? He went, no, no, I won't do that one tonight. Right. Chris Evans was backstage. Mm-hmm. Um, Jerry Halliwell. Wow. I sat next, we sat next to Jerry Halliwell, Frank. Are you sure it wasn't the TARDIS you sat next to?

One of the S Club juniors. I love Jerry Halliwell. She's great. Do you know what? She looked good. I won't lie. She saved us from an embarrassing incident with Miley in class as well. I'd think more of this. Yeah. Soon. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've had a lot of texts and emails. Oh, we have? What about Gary Barlow? No, we'll come back to that. We'll come back to Emily's Mylene Class cliffhanger, as I would call it.

Yeah. 285, hi, Franken team. I was an apprentice stitcher runner for Maureen Baker in I would call it. Yeah. 285, Hi Frankenteam, I was an apprentice stitcher, runner for Maureen Baker in the early 80s. Wow. Oh, Maureen Baker who made the yellow coat. Yeah. Princess Anne's outfits were regularly revamped in Maureen's work rooms

based in buildings off Oxford Street. Brilliant. Imagine what that was like. And you could always get parking space then. Yeah, exactly. But I tell you what, that tells its own tale. They were being revamped, so maybe she hasn't kept the figure. Perhaps it's just stuff's been altered each time it gets a way around. There's always somebody who wants to sneer. I wasn't sneering.

I was just, you know, joining the dots, as they say. Sneer, you should be presenting. What's the name of Maureen's old stitch person? She's called Ginny. Oh, dear God, can you imagine? I bet she's got some tails. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, like, those tailcoat things. Also, Ginny, appropriate someone working for the Royal Family. Very good. We've also had, I think, a slightly chastising of you email, Frank, entitled Recognised by Coat. In regards to... Of course. In regards to changing coats and clothes, some people do still wear the same clothes for ages.

I think you forget that you are part of the wealthy few now. Believe me, I haven't forgotten that. He's a slum landlord. No, I think that the working classes are... Which you're one, in fairness. Yeah, but are richer now than when I was doing it full time. Yeah, and also... But I'm sure that, yes, they don't have a whole... I always imagine that the rise of things like Primark and stuff...

Well, I was about to say, I've been to supermarkets and clothes are no longer prohibitively expensive. I refuse to... No, there's more disposable fashion. I have to say, it wasn't that we were completely flat broke, necessarily, but it was more important to spend the money on drink. Yes. I used to, honestly, I would look at a T-shirt and think,

oh, how much is that? What? 13 points? Forget about it. I honestly did that. But anyway, of course, I am aware of the fact that I am blessed in that respect. I also still wear the

same clothes quite a lot, regardless. Because I think you get emotionally attached. Yeah. We've also had, having heard the Barlow story, is Emily's boyfriend a lion? Oh, because of the lion that... He went through the wardrobe.

Doesn't that mean you're a witch? Oh. Yeah? Tell me something I don't know. I did not realise that. I thought it was... Can I ask you a question? Is there room on the broom for a dog like me?

Oh. Yes, Frank. So your Mylene class moments. Oh, yeah. So your myelin class moments. Oh yeah. So we leave the wardrobe, we leave the closet, and we come out, appropriately, and there's more high-vis. Gary lays on loads of

high-vis stewards for you to see you to your seat, which is lovely. Frank's actually looking at tellies, lost interest. No, I'm absolutely listening to you. Because I got absolutely first class entrance and that was a VIP experience like no other

money couldn't buy that so we get through I mean banish the remaining members of Tate that are keeping more of their money than the tax people would particularly enjoy I think but that's fine

this is going to be really awkward when I go around for Sunday lunch to the Barlow's. They would have heard this. Look at him. He says, I really like you, but when the cockerel was doing that tax stuff, that appearance. It's Mark that's got a problem with it.

It's all three. Sat in the seats. Everything's fine. Jerry's next to us. That's quite exciting. Jerry on our left. Yeah. Then, um... Jerry on our left. Sounds like an old war reminiscence. She's got a suede, very short skirt, Frank. Has she? You missed out.

Can I say superb legs? Superb legs. I'm allowed to say that, aren't I? Yeah. Certainly. Uh, Miley in class. Very done up to the nines. Mm-hmm.

Again, an attractive woman, that. She walks through, comes and sits, comes and shuffles through. You know when they shuffle through the late comers? They're all in the middle of pray, take that. The timing was a bit off. She comes through, sorry, sorry. Stands in front of our seats, looks at her ticket.

We just didn't budge. She walks back. She talks to her friend. She looks at our seats again. She starts talking to Jerry, pointing at us. I said, are we sitting in her seats? My boyfriend said, I don't know. I said, well, why don't you look at the ticket?

He said, I'll be fine. Carried on looking at the gig. So, I don't know, I had a feeling we were maybe sitting in her seat. It might have been just hearsay. No! I mean, come on. But you know why I love Gerry now? Because she saved it

she sorted it out she budged up some S Club Juniors and a Molly from the Saturdays and it was all fine I honestly thought the S Club Juniors thing was you joking they were there she found her a seat that's great

not only has she had a very successful career in music but she can usher if she has to good to have that to fall back on She's not only, she had a very successful career in music, Gerry, but she can usher if she has to. Yes, she did. Good to have that to fall back on, isn't it? Yeah, it is. I mean, God, you'll be glad.

Did all the ushering at her own wedding, apparently. Brilliant. Respect to Mondo, as they used to say. I'm worried about this person who's wearing the same clothes. I feel they're angry with me. It's fine. I told you not to read out the negative stuff. We had the bloke last week who said I was cliquey.

I thought that was positive. Who said I was cliquey? These people, they hate me. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We should really talk about little Blanket Jackson, Michael Jackson's child. Was that the one that was dangled off the balcony? I think it was Blankie. Blankie, yeah.

It was dangled. Now I thought, and I think I'm right in saying this, but I thought Blanket was his nickname. I thought his name was Prince Michael Jackson, actually. Is that what he's called, Chris? Something like Prince Michael Jackson. What about Jermaine? Remember Jermaine had got a son called Jermajesty. That's right, yeah, yeah.

Top notch. It's very good, that, isn't it? Excellent. And as you know, my children are called Al and a Mac and Al and a Minium. They're my kids, yeah. But Blanket apparently doesn't like being called Blanket anymore, so he's changing it to Biggie. Why has he gone for Biggie?

Biggie, I'm not sure. He should have gone for Martin or Stephen. Yeah, Fred, Fred Jackson, you know, Sean. Could have gone for anything, like. Yeah. Fred. Fred Jackson. You know, Sean. Could have gone for anything, like a bit run-of-the-mill. But he's gone for Biggie. He's just going to get bullied for Biggie now, isn't he? It's out of the frying pan into the fire.

So did he get bullied for blankets? Yes, I believe he did. Yeah. Can you believe that someone who is the son of Michael Jackson is being bullied because of their name, not because of their dad and all the... Not really. What's happened to bullying? It's really gone down the neck. Yeah.

Yeah, it's not great. In my day, we'd have been reading from his biography and making sniping remarks. That would have been fun. Such fun. I don't know why he sounds to me like he's a bit of a wet blanket. It was only a matter of time, wasn't he sounds like he's a bit of a wet blanket. It was only a matter of time, wasn't it?

It was only a matter of time. I'm surprised he's being bullied over that, though, because let's be honest, the unusual name is becoming more commonplace now. It is, it's everywhere. I mean, no offence, Alan, but you're more likely to get teased if you're a child called Alan. Just because it's a regular name?

I... well, yeah. Frank, you look really tense. Yeah. I mean, my name was the least of my worries. I was in an English school with a Scottish accent and, yeah, I had other stuff going on. I was like a veritable feast for the school bully. Mm. I was bullied was like a veritable feast for the school bully i was bullied um for having a beetle haircut um it's true they used to call me beetle and basically uh shove me about oh as in

the band or as yeah the beetles were very i didn't have it combed into antennae yeah i'd like to you know imagine you were some woodlouse comb-over. No, it was... No, that was it. So they used to call me Beetle and basically... Do you know what? I would have befriended you. Would I? Hell, I would have hung out with a popular girl. I wouldn't have gone next to the girl who had

a skirt ripped off by a dog. Terrible. But a blanket is not such a bad... It's not a bad thing, is it? Tell you you what I'd have a blanket over a biggie any day Yeah me too Well I have done But I think it's an okay

I mean Hilary Duvet She never moans She never complains I don't know what the fuss is about You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had a text from our regular punner, Ian Angel, has texted Frank. I thought

there was a blanket ban on bullying. A blanket ban? Very good. We also had an email that I'd like to bring to your attention. Good morning, team. As a regular podcast listener, I've never fully appreciated A blank email. Gosh. Ouch. Well, yes, it didn't go as well as I'd hoped, but believe you me, it'll be in the podcast. We don't actually edit it. On grounds of joke failure? No, I think it's all right to have that in.

Well, I mean, we can't do that in case we end up one week having to put out a two-and-a-half-minute podcast. Well, exactly. I think the Rater Aura thing was a work of beauty. Our aura are bored. Oh, don't do it again, Frank. This was one segment of the show that we got over and we've moved on and the show's improved as a result

of our distance from it. I'll tell you what it reminded me of, the feeling when it happened. When it happened? I went to the Caledonian Road Festival in North London. Oh, you get around, don't you? Oh, yeah.

And I bought... They're King's Cross. Oh, Cat's sister bought my son, Boz, a balloon, a Mickey Mouse balloon. Mm-hm. Six quid. Yes, that's a price. I know. You're doing well, though.

And I... She's doing well for herself. I didn't fasten it correctly. And I put it on the ring. I said, there you are, and it just floated away. And the feeling I had when I watched Mickey Mouse going over, just over a roof into the distance, right high, high, was how I felt just after the Rita Ora,

our Ouroboros. Elevated? No, that I'd released something which should have been maybe kept on a tight string. Oh, yeah. There you have it. I think that's a reasonable analogy. Still going to be in the podcast.

Yeah, why not? There'll be someone at home who appreciates it. Someone said... It's going to be in your obituary. Didn't you say to me recently that you had a friend who liked my George Gershwin yawning, Joe? Loved it. Absolutely loved it. I did that three times live, got nothing.

For those of you who are wondering... There it goes again. That just made me yawn. Yeah. Catch it, aren't we? Why have you made us do that again? I don't know. It still didn't go that well.

Anyway. It's never going to go well. Try it again next week. And thank you very much for listening this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Yes, it was a strange show. I don't care.

Get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.