The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - The Royal We-Phone

Episode Date: October 20, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is away so Emily and Alun are joined by Gareth Richards. The team discuss Sunday drivers, Gareth's handsome brother and Emily's car dealership woe.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. My name's Emily Dean. Frank's not here this morning. I'm really sorry to tell you that. I mean, I make it sound like there's something alarming about that. There's not at all. He's just got the week off. So you've got Britain's shortest radio presenter today. You've also got the very fabulous Alan Cochran and the adorable, I'm going, Gareth Richards, who hasn't brushed his hair this morning, but that's all right. Oh, my teeth. OK, that news just in.

You can text the show, by the way, on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. And before we do anything, chaps, how do we feel about chaps? Like the clothing? Well, is it a bit of village people? Yeah, okay. Maybe I won't do that. Lads? Okay.

Lads a bit oi oi. Lads is fine. We're really laddy, me and Gareth. Congratulations. Are in order. Oh yeah. Because, you know, it was the arias in Leeds this week. These are these big radio awards. We weren't nominated this year.

No. Orcs. It is a little bit orcs, Al. We're about to congratulate the people that we think we should have been winning instead of. We didn't even get nominated for best coverage of an event. Oh. And given the way we covered Arj's disappearance,

I mean, we had rolling news on that. Where did he end up? Was he in a travel lodge? I think he was. It's not really Bin Laden's compound, but we helped discover him. Anyway, someone did win. Someone did win. And can I tell you who won

yes Mr Frank Skinner for his interview with the doodah doodah do you mean Al Gore Al Gore yeah

I was one hour Al Gore Frank interviewed Al Gore did you not know that he interviewed Al Gore it was on Absolute wow and it's won an award

disputing climate change or what's it about it's won an award youputing climate change What's it about? It's won an award You're up to speed Climate change Also I like the way that Gareth had Frank won an award It sounded very I carry the watermelon

Frank did win an award for And so did Sarah our producer today So I'll tell you what I think is in order Congratulations and jubilations. Okay. I wasn't surprised about him winning an award just

interviewing Al Gore. Okay. I mean that is pretty remarkable. Yeah. But then again Nick Clegg's about to work for Facebook

so weird things happen in the modern world don't they? Well yeah and Al they got it for best community programme

which I like because it sounded very street party it sounded quite hamster mothers against the like because it sounded very street party it sounded quite hamster's mothers against the new starbucks sounds like i'm going to get paid that's what i'm hearing suddenly a charity project that he's got i'm really community best community programming i don't know they have a community center like in eastenders and things it feels like that

They have a community centre like in EastEnders and things. It feels like that. I think that they would have posed with bathrobes. They should have, him and Al, accepting the award and maybe given an eco-theme as well to the acceptance speech. They didn't do any speech, did they? No. No one did a speech. No.

Well, anyway, congratulations to all concerned. Well done. Yeah, well done. Congratulations to well done. Well done. Yeah, well done. Congratulations. Well done, Frank Skinner and Al Gore. Yeah. Finally, things are going your way. Do you think Frank's going to be saying Forevermore now?

Or it was like when Al and I won the award. Well, it would be me. Yeah. It would be Al Gore. And did he manage to change Al Gore's mind about climate change? I don't think he attempted to. No, I think they were on the same page. Are they on the same page?

That's good. So well done Frank and Al. Sorry Gareth, I feel like I've left you out. It's okay. As I mentioned Frank and Al. Have we heard from the outside world at all? We have, but before we do, I think we may be about to, I just wondered if I heard you right a moment before the show started.

It seemed like you were running through an out loud checklist and you went, yeah, I've got that. And I've got my makeup bag and I've got that. Did I hear her? Yes, you did. Not trying to shame you. No, I was doing that. I don't know why.

What else was it? A banana? It was a banana. I got my banana, I got my makeup bag. You've just exposed something quite private that I tend to do on a regular basis, which is that I like to know that I've got my stuff around me. All right, okay. Does anyone else do that?

Anyone else do that? It's just me. So I might say I've got my glasses, I've got my phone, I've got my makeup bag. Oh, and in this might say I've got my glasses, I've got my phone, I've got my make-up bag. Oh, and in this case, I've got my fez. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. How would you explain our running feature on the show

for the idiotic eureka moment? It's when somebody realises a thing that's been obvious to everybody else. Is that the best description thereof? I think that's a great way to describe it. Frank always uses the example of the character BT in the BT ads. Oh, yes. That it took him several decades to work out

was called BT because of the company BT. BT and BT. Yes. Have you just worked that out? No, no, I knew that one. And Sutty and Sweep, obviously, there's a chimney theme there. I still don't get that. Well, soot is the dirt inside a chimney.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I've just got it. You know, chimney sweeps, the little boys that come into your house to sweep the chimney. Yeah, I've just worked that out. It's something of an archaic reference now. So there you go. You've just heard an IEM live on air.

Genuinely, when you and Frank have talked about Sooty and Sweep, I was too embarrassed to admit I didn't quite understand it. Well done. Because I felt, as I was in my 40s, it was a bit late in the day to be having Sooty and Sweep explained to you. Well, it's interesting you've mentioned how long you went not knowing because I think that is one of the shameful things about an idiotic Eureka moment.

You realise how long. So we've got an email here. Hi, Frank and all. I've been a football fan for 30 years. See, already we've got a bit of time has passed where this should have been spotted. Season ticket holder at Villa, poor me, for 25 of those. But this week I had a football IEM.

Sorry, you've got to love it. Poor me. Yeah, poor me in brackets. For my sins. Watching a documentary about Arsenal FC, and the commentary tells me they were formed in a munitions factory. Yes. At which point I turned to Hubby and said,

fancy them being called the Gunners, and they were formed in a munitions factory. Yes. At which point I turned to Hubby and said, fancy them being called the Gunners and they were formed in a munitions factory and their badge has cannons. He laughed at me as the realisation dawned I've never felt so thick. Thought you may all want to laugh along with Hubby. Praise redacted. Shelley in Nottingham.

Good contribution. Has she also realised that they are called Arsenal? Yes. I think that's an old part. I don contribution. Has she also realised that they are called Arsenal? Yes. I think that's all part of it. I don't know if she's realised that. But I'm having this exact moment because I didn't realise that the whole thing started in a munitions factory. The only thing I knew about Arsenal is that they used to be called Woolwich Arsenal

and then they moved north of the river, didn't they? Oh, there you go. Well, you know quite a lot. No, that's it. You didn't know... Well, bars, as we established, I believe it was last week, we established that Frank's son Buzz

refers to Tottenham Hotspur as the black chickens yes and I think that's going to be one of those names that that's just going to happen yeah that's what they'll always be

oh they'll be called that by everyone in I'd say 30 years oh I received something from the outside world which was someone on Twitter I think Siobhan

her name was I felt so grown up when I first learnt how to pronounce Siobhan. Siobhan? You know what? We're going to hear from Siobhan in a minute.

We've got an email from... Wait, Al. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're right. Hold your high horses. We left the listeners... I forgot that you'd left us on a cliffhanger. Yeah, I mean, cliffhanger's pushing it, maybe.

I said we've had an email from Siobhan and you said Siobhan. That's right, yeah. OK? Twitter? Wasn't it Twitter? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thanks for tweeting it. Siobhan, That's right. Twitter? Wasn't it Twitter? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thanks for tweeting. Siobhan,

should we just lean into Siobhan? No, I think it's disrespectful. I think... Well, it's up to you. You've changed. You're at the helm. That's not what you were saying in the break. Yeah, you're right. Siobhan wants you to know, she says, can you pass on to the

cockerel that they're making his favourite book into a movie? Judy Blume's Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. It's Me, Margaret is to become a movie. Brilliant. Point of order here. Gareth's looking aghast at this. I'm fascinated by that.

Were you aware of this? I didn't know that was his favourite Judy Blume. Okay. I mean, I also... The book itself, the fact that he was even... I thought it was Forever that you liked. I have read Forever. Yeah, Forever, because it's got the filthy

bits in. That's why all the boys like it, because it's got filth. I think Forever was people's gateway drug into Judy Blume, and then they just experienced all the rest of the work. I didn't read all of that book. I was about to try and make a Dick Francis analogy but I can't remember any Dick Francis

novels. We should say that Are You There God It's Me Margaret. The reason it's kind of an unusual choice. It's sort of a, I would describe it euphemistically as a coming of age novel for young women. Yeah I think a lot of Judy Bloom's work is in that groove. Yeah exactly. I've read that groove. Yeah, exactly.

I've read them all. I have, though. Have you really? Yeah. You've read all Judy Blume's books? Well, at least... Even the thrillers? I don't know if there's any modern ones out, but until, I don't know, 25 years ago I had, yeah.

OK, it's one of the things I love about you. Looking for more filth. Yeah. I just read all the, in inverted commas, boys' books on a particular shelf in My English Teachers, and he went, why don't you read the other books? And I went, OK. I like it, curious mind.

Right, on with the emails. I was an early adopter in gender-fluid reading. That's good. We've had an email about driving, which obviously, as the motoring correspondent on the show, That's good. We've had an email about driving, which obviously, as the motoring correspondent on the show, I'm very predisposed to. I mean, it may not even be a good email,

but if it's about driving, I'm going to read it just to keep my job in the public eye as motoring correspondent. But this happens to be quite a good one, I think. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Sorry, Gareth. Whatever happened to Sunday drivers? I have many memories of being in the car as a child and hearing my parents or people of a similar age ranting about Sunday

drivers after being cut up on the road Was it the assumption that those who drove to work Monday to Friday were the proper drivers and subsequently those out on weekends were somehow more reckless due to the relative infrequency of their driving what's more if the incident occurred on a saturday the response was always well the sunday drivers are out early aren't they regards nick i i've

got to say nick i love that i remember people discussing sunday drivers but i thought they were discussing them as being slow coaches because they were sort of dawdling around and not... So I'm sort of at the other end of the Sunday drivers thing. Well, hang on, so Nick's point is that these people only use their car once a week. And so they're a bit devil-may-care and lack of control because they haven't practised as much as the Monday to Friday drivers. I'm with you, Cockrell.

Which wasn't a phrase. I don't know. For some reason, there were never a bit of a Wednesday driver there. Yeah. A bit of a Thursday through sats driver. I always felt that it was to do with, I mean, I have to be honest,

I always felt it was mainly aimed at the elderly. Oh, right. Okay? Not the Christians. I thought they might be driving to church church I didn't know what they were doing but whatever it was they were doing it badly but you know I had an incident the other day where and this is terrible it doesn't show me

I don't know if I can say this do you know I'm going to discuss it with you off air oh no we'll kick it around and decide whether it's sorry general public. ...suitable for work. Okay. Back in a bit, I hope. We've had a bit of feedback.

457 has said, Sunday drivers to me are the old pootlers who crawl along looking at the scenery getting away when you are in a hurry trying to get somewhere yeah that's very much how i felt about them me too i mean are you a sunday driver gareth um no i drive all days of the week okay but i know that yes it's um i know people who went out for a drive yeah do people go out for a drive. Yeah. Do people go out for a drive anymore? I don't know if they do so much. No. What day of the week do you drive?

8, 12, 15? Text us on 8, 12, 15. Oh, we're talking about driving. I need to tell you about my dealership incident. Oh, OK. OK? You may recall, in fact, last time you were here, Gareth, I was in a car dealership.

That's right. Do you remember? Do you remember what happened? Yes, the young lady saw you without makeup first and then with makeup later and she didn't recognise you. Correct. Great to hear. So I decided never to go back there.

So it wasn't therefore, it was actually because I talked about it on the radio and I felt I might have left scorched earth. So I went to another one. Same type of car, different dealership. Isn't scorched earth the foundation you use?

Well, exactly, yeah. Sorry. So I like it there. I know Al has a bit of a problem with me going to dealerships. Oh, stealerships. I think you think I should just get the car off a man in an anorak on the street corner

and give him DVDs or something for it. Overalls. I like the cappuccinos and the biscuits. Well, you're paying for them indirectly. And I like that they're a little bit needy. Are they? Yeah, of course they are. They need my business now. Oh, do they?

Well, yeah, just because everything's gone online. Oh, right. Because the car salesman, much like the estate agent, if you're listening, hello, I hope life's treating you well, but let's be honest, all that business has largely moved online.

You used to be the gatekeepers to the treasure. Now we can all access the treasure 24-7. Perfect. And there's quite some treasure out there. So, I... I don't understand that bit bit but the rest of it i was waiting when i went into the dealership what does this mean in car terms as the car expert i go in there the lady says can i take your name please phone number bit fresh um writes it on a piece of paper very retro notebook goes over talks to three very

handsome quite young gentlemen brilliant they look over at me i've got a sweatshirt saying hysterical female hair's a bit in a scrunchie and i'm carrying ray who hasn't bathed for four days raise my dog by the way and i saw these four young boys look over at me and she said i think she wants to buy a car and i saw them shake their heads and they pointed down at a junior colleague whoa maybe they pointed at a senior colleague no oh they pointed at somebody started last week oh did they so as i passed them so they were handsome young men but this was a younger man? Was he less handsome? About the same level. Okay. But the point was, I could have left it, obviously. I decided not to.

As I walked past them, I said, you just knocked me back, didn't you? And there was a bit of a silence. And I said, it's a real shame because I'm actually a real laugh. You would have had good fun with me. Oh, my gosh. No, that's good. I like that.

Okay, let's discuss it. I like that. Um, okay. Let's discuss it. I think they were like, no, we've made the right choice. Well, it's funny. Both of those things can be true. It's funny you should say that, Gareth. We'll be back in a bit. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. We're talking about an incident I had. We were talking about an incident I had. We were talking about car salesmen, weren't we? Yes, we were, exactly. We've actually had a text in for me. I don't like to interrupt you, but I am... Oh, let's see.

You can text us, by the way, on 812.15. I feel it may be Jermaine. Emily. Hi. We should just bring any new readers, listeners, people that have just tuned in. Emily was in the car dealership and some of the sales people had a chat and then pointed at somebody else and said, yeah, they can have him.

Is that pretty much the vibe? Yes, I felt they were sort of looking at me, making an appraisal and deciding that I wasn't a high roller and that I might be perhaps difficult. Sort of like on the ranch, like the more experienced cowboys will send

the inexperienced cowboy to tame a wild horse. Exactly. I mean, I'm not as au fait with the ranch system as you are, but that sounds about right. Okay. Well, 042 has texted, Emily, I used to be that salesman that they pointed at.

Invariably, we are the nicer salesmen and go on to sell the customer a car, much to the annoyance of the handsome ones. Never prejudge. Now... ST, Edinburgh. Can I just say ST? Can I just say ST? Saint, I'm calling you. Yeah, yeah. Can I just say ST? Can I just say ST?

Saint, I'm calling you. Can I just say Saint? I did not say this other salesman wasn't handsome. That's true. What I think he didn't have was that sense of entitlement, perhaps. He didn't look as experienced. He didn't look as around the block. So I go down to see this other

salesman. Can we give him a name? Because I want to protect his identity and limity. You two we give him a name because I want to protect his identity anonymity, you two please pick a name for him, pick a name Joseph Is Joseph alright? Can I tell you why I picked Joseph?

Because I walked past somebody in the street yesterday a young woman I think who was wearing a coat of many colours like a really bright coat of many colors and I had a real look at it from behind because it looked like it was a dressing gown I think it was a dressing gown of many colors that she was wearing as an outdoor garment and and my first thought was I close my eyes and then I... You didn't start singing that down and breathing down her neck.

No, no, I didn't. But I thought, how far we've come as a society where I can see her... Like, ten years ago, I'm almost certain I would have gone, I close my... And I'd have laughed at perhaps their expense. Whereas now, I was like, wearing a dressing gown as a co-op, bold, good for you.

So I've really grown up, so I think Joseph should get a... I don't know. OK, I wish you'd heckled her with a Joseph. Oi, Joseph, how's your coat? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, let's call him Joseph. So Joseph, my salesman, as it turned out...

You say it differently. Do I? Joseph. Suggesting I say it a bit like a high-camp French fashion stylist. Yes. Joseph. Joseph was an absolute delight. Oh.

Their loss was my gain. He was charming. He made me two cappuccinos, got me three... Cup of joe. Got me three packets of chunky belgian chocolate shortbread and was very helpful he said um it's his first week in the job wow i said no problem he asked me what my lucky number was it was a good opener. What my lucky number was. Are you sure it was Dale Winton? No longer will it last.

I hope he said four. Was it for the number of wheels? Why did he want to know your lucky number? I said, I don't know if I've got one. You know what I loved about Joseph? He went, no, me neither. Excellent. Ask a question that you're not interested in the answer of. Yeah, but he's honest. I like that. And this is the thing about Joseph,

is that he was a straight shooter. Oh, actually. I mean, there was a moment when I did say to him... Back on the ranch? Back on the ranch with your friends. Is there any particular, you know, in terms of the shades of car that you're not so keen on? I said, I like it quite neutral.

So I want your metallics, your blacks, you know, your silvers, your navies. Good for a resale? Yes. Great for a reseller? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, I mean, I don't have strong views, but the one thing I would say is no Cookie Monster Blue. Yeah, yeah.

You said you don't have strong views. And I saw him writing down Cookie Monster Blue, and I love that. Sorry, they don't have Cookie Monster Blue, and I love that. Yeah. Sorry, they don't have Cookie Monster Blue. Would you take Canal My Red? The Fez has appeared.

I mean, I don't want to leave everyone hanging in the middle of the dealership, but I think we might have to come back to this. I can't go back to the dealership, actually. We have established this already haven't we because the old dealership I'm not sure at the end of this anecdote I'll be able to go back to this dealership so I think you were saying

Gareth that you thought it would be good if people could text in about places what is it scorched earth shall we call it? Places you can never go back to because you've disgraced yourself okay keep it there, people. Keep it daytime. 8, 12, 15,

places you can never go back to because you've disgraced yourself. Let's hope it's not one golden square after today. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I'm Emily Dean.

I am here with Alan Cochran. I am here with Gareth Richards. Good morning. Pardon me. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We are taking you into a car dealership,

if you've just joined us this morning. Not literally, but that's where I found myself this week. And I'm worried that I've left a bit of scorched earth. Right. As we were discussing earlier. So people have been texting in, haven't they, about places they can't go back to, essentially. I've been enjoying reading some text messages

from people who cannot go back to certain places. Go on. Laura, I went and got stuck in a dress in a Hollister in Glasgow. One of the girls who was working there had had to help me get it off. So I've never been able to go back. I've even stood outside and waited if my friends wanted to shop. Oh, Laura, that's tricky. I love you, Laura. Yeah, we really like you, Laura. The reason I love you is because also, Hollister's the one that's really dark, isn't it? Is it?

Oh, it's like Haunted Mansion. I've never been in it, so I always look like a nightclub. Well, they spray perfume. Do you know what? They spray very strong fragrance around it, and it's dark. It's essentially my apartment

when a man comes back. But it's very Haunted Mansion mansion it's terrifying in there i think it's because they don't want you to see perhaps the clothes i was going to say my cellulite um laura i feel you're trying to hide um any others uh 820 a place i can never go back to, Oxo Tower Restaurant. After an evening of family celebration, we were last to leave. I jumped on bus home. Some while into the journey at home, realised I'd left my phone on the table of the restaurant, jumped off the bus, ran in considerably high heels

in the early hours of the morning back to Oxo. After initial search of restaurant, I was told by formidable manageress that phone had not been found. I then proceeded to make enough of a fuss that all the staff, including the washer-up, were summoned to the restaurant for inquisition. Whilst we stood there...

So is this me? Whilst we stood there, me, unflinching in my belief that one of them had my phone, a phone rings. Silence around the room as we all tried to work out where it was coming from. My bag! And three exclamation marks. My bag!

It sounds very Lord of the Wings. My bag! Who was that from? Oh, it doesn't say. Oh, okay. Well, you know what? I think it's for the best they remain anonymous. I should say what happened at the end of my incident at the dealership, I was with, we him joseph we protected his identity didn't we my salesman was charming he was absolutely lovely but i did get

to the point where he kept showing me cars on the internet which is all very well joseph come on i've got this girl's got a laptop at home so I got, the problem is it wasn't updating, so he showed me three cars in a row and I'd get excited, I'd get all worked up, I'd get ready for the date as it were with my car, he'd come back, sorry

it's gone I mean, come on it was a tinder situation where they'd all ended up with girls, these cars. So in the end, after it happened the third time, I'm afraid I did break. I said, come on, Joseph. I said, this has happened three times now. And one of the handsome, entitled young salesmen decided he'd get stuck in at this point.

Oh, yeah. I wasn't having that. He just said, well, sorry, but, you know, I'm afraid this does happen. This does happen. I said, sorry? He said, well, occasionally, you know,

people just buy cars. And I said, well, you should take them down off the website. You should take them down if people have bought them. He said, no, but if they've just bought them.

Yeah. And I said, well, all those three in the last hour. And do you know what? He looked at me and the look said, well, all those three in the last hour. And do you know what? He looked at me and the look said, I was right to swerve you. Well, actually, 981 agrees. That he was right to swerve me.

Yeah, I'm listening to your show and I find it hilarious as I've worked in the motor trade for 15 years. I've seen sales executives do exactly what you're talking about. When you've been in the motor trade for 15 years. I've seen sales executives do exactly what you're talking about. When you've been in the motor trade for as long as I have, we have an uncanny way of telling if someone is a buyer or a tyre kicker. Can you confirm if you purchased a car? Wow. I like Andrew's tone.

It's pompous, but I like it. I am a definite purchaser, but... But not yet, you're a tyre kicker. No. Well, if you are going to show me Cookie Monster Blue, what do you expect, for goodness sake? I should say, I just want to end this link by saying that I have full faith in Joseph. I think he'll help me.

And what I love about Joseph is he's a bit like the old pre-fame partner. He handled me at my worst. He had faith in me when I looked terrible and I behaved badly. So he gets to see me at my worst. He had faith in me. Right. When I looked terrible and I behaved badly. So he gets to see me at my best. Well, he gets my money. Let's be honest.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, uh... Gareth.

Yes. Um... I like doing that. Who does that? Someone on a quiz show. They just say their name all of those quiz shows I'd like to say a big congratulations

to Harry and Meghan with the royal pregnancy oh yes I was looking for a congratulations and then I realised we'd already played it so I think instead why don't we go um...

Well she's all you'd ever want She's the kind I'd like to flaunt and take to dinner Just because I like that. Does he say flaunt there? Okay, thank you. She's a lady. You're announcing the sex. Oh, I don't know. That'll be a way to find out.

So, yes, they're going to have a child. Yes, and they're on tour in Australia, and there have been all sorts of controversy. Yeah. Meghan was seen carrying her mobile phone. She was what? Yes. In her hand.

Oh, yes. And apparently that's against royal protocol. Yeah. Yes. I like this like this though because it sort of indicates to the royal correspondent there's a royal protocol for stuff like this it's in de bretts or something but that has to be

a modern rule I don't know what the other ones are I know a few of them thinning hair? If you look at... Oh, no, that's very much a prerequisite. If you... I mean, you've never seen the Queen with a corgi iPhone case.

No, right. When have you ever seen a member of the royal family with a mobile? And I think the reason for that, I presume, is the air of mystery, isn't it? And that they're not mortal, somehow. Right. Which was traditionally how we were meant to view royalty, and obviously things have changed, somehow.

But, yeah, what did you think of her? She was holding the phone, wasn't she? And Harry had his in the front pocket. I don't like that. Ow, nor do I. I've never really liked that. Can we talk? When you can see people's jeans and sometimes comics

on stage with a mobile phone in their pocket. Do they do that? I don't like that at all. I like empty pockets when I go outside. Gareth said that in the manner of someone who does do it himself and doesn't want to be accused. No, I don't think I do. Back pocket, maybe. Right. But by mistake, if I forgot to take it out.

Yeah. The front pocket the man with the phone and I'm sorry to say men but it is mainly men who do this phone in the front pocket. It's gross.

I really don't like it. Gross? Yeah. It's just a horrible big rectangle. It is. It's not nice to see. It ruins the line

of the jean. If you're spending that kind of dollar on a nice trouser, don't put your life in it. But then is it about showing off the size of your phone? Because that can be a status. Let's just steady on here. Peacocking. I mean, I presume they're doing it partly for security reasons

because it's less safe in the back pocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, would you rather... I mean, it's really a toss-up. Would you rather risk your phone being stolen or would you rather look half-decent? That's a good point. OK, text in on 812.15.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. On the subject of Frank, I just referred to Doctor Who and Lizzie who's working on the show today said, I'm not sure you can really talk about Doctor Who without Frank here

That's a good point So I think she's got a point I mean, I don't know if she means on the show or ever in conversation I think ever is fair enough It's just good to have one easy rule to adhere to. I've had a text in from Alex Dinnin. Hi, Alex.

He says, are you suggesting I keep nothing in my front pockets? We should say this was in response to a comment of mine where I'd slightly questioned the Princery mobile phone in the front pocket he continues where do i put my wallet and my phone wallet front pocket phone front pocket for journeys but then once that destination remove it to somewhere else i think he says they can't go in my back pocket i wouldn't be able to sit down and then he's got an emoji which looks like it's sad. So, Alex, I'm really sorry, but I think you're... I mean, I can't solve your problem for you. I would choose clothes with pockets.

Possibly investigate the possibility of a man bag, the premiership... Some cargo trousers, like... No, no, trousers. A cargo pant or the Rio Ferddinand man bag oh a jacket a jacket pocket is better than trousers pocket point i mean he might say why would i want to wear a jacket if i'm just you know if i'm doing a bit of sunday driving yeah um go for a denim jacket lovely for anybody that's just tuned in we are discussing the major breach of royal protocol that is carrying an iPhone. Yes.

Which I'm not sure is that big a breach. It's not as big as talking about your feelings. That's a thing that the royals have only recently started to do to a chorus of disapproval. Yeah, yes. That's a biggie. Yeah. I think maybe the sort of royal commentators think there's a slippery slope argument to this.

Like, if Harry has an iPhone and we see it, in five years' time he'll have a full-sleeve tattoo going right over his hand and there's a slippery slope. Well, yes, I... It's not the hand that they're worried about. I suppose it is the idea that it's... any indication of humanity is dangerous. Text him on 81215 if you'd like to talk about

whether indications of humanity are dangerous. And I think they think they shouldn't use an iPhone, they should use a Royal WePhone. Oh, very good. Very good. I did think that they might have asked the hotel staff for a royal charger and then they brought a racehorse

a racehorse joke I know do you know what I come for the slightly unkempt hair and I stay for the jokes ok this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio we're talking about Meghan and Harry This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

We're talking about Meghan and Harry this morning and their royal trip. I don't like people that say down under. It's a bit 70s, isn't it? A royal trip down under. We're really discussing this news that they have mobile phones and, you know, feelings. And I think I always thought that they would have mobile phones

and laptop computers and other possessions. I think that seems to be part of their shtick, is to have possessions, you know, like castles, thrones. Yeah. They've got all sorts. Harry's got the black metallic ring called an aura ring now. It did occur to me, is it easier as a royal to get a signal if they're in remote places?

Because you could just give it to a royal footman and say the signal is on that chair by the window. Oh, yeah, can you stand there? I'll put it on beep, so if a text message comes in, can you just bring it to me and then I'll read it and then I'll put you back on the top of the chair. do you think they do that or is that considered abusive to the staff wow i think the levels of what's abusive to this i mean that's what staff are for they do things like that stand on a chair holding a phone the kind of attitude that keeps you in

work here um but yeah i think i know what you mean it's a difficult one that although you i hope you're not suggesting what i call the worst thing anyone ever does with their phone, which is put it on speakerphone whilst holding it aloft, Apprentice Candidate style. Oh, no, I don't like that. Yeah, we need some scampi over to Canary Wharf. I've told you, Sir Alan's going to be there. I don't even have my phone on ring.

And I haven't had a voicemail for about three years. Really? Yeah, I've got no voicemail. Then, to be fair, that's because you're not a pensioner. I mean, who leaves voicemails? Well, on my phone, no one. I appreciate this is quite well trodden ground, but it's true.

I mean, this week, I have to say, Sarah, the producer, made me feel ancient. Oh. Because she called me. It's been nice knowing you. She called me and she said, you stupid old lady. No, she didn't really. She called me and I thought, what's this?

And it said, Sarah's calling you FaceTime audio. Oh. I picked it up. I said, what's going on? FaceTime audio. I don't know what this is. It upset me. I said, well, I'm just calling you because you never get a signal in your house. I said, well, how on? A FaceTime audio. I don't know what this is. It upset me. I said, well, I'm just calling you

because you never get a signal in your house. I said, well, how does FaceTime audio help that? She tried to explain how the technology works. Does it help that? I find it frightening. Did it help, though, genuinely? I thought FaceTime audio might have been someone I met in the 90s. It was with stereo MCs.

I don't want him calling me, that weird Ibiza DJ. No, thank you. So we should say Harry and Meghan, she was also, he was spotted with, on the technology front, this weird ring. Did you see it? People were like, why is Harry wearing a black ring?

That's right, yeah. But it's a special, it tells you your heart rate and finger size and all things like that. It tells your iPhone, your phone, things. It's called an Aura ring, I believe. But what was odd about it is I read about this ring and it said you'll forget you're wearing your ring

until someone comments on how great it looks. Right. Lie on both counts. Until the whole world says, why is he wearing that weird ring? Did you get it on a gap year in Thailand? I mean, I love Harry, but I don't love that ring.

Right. I don't know about a black ring. I've got a theory about this ring, right? Well, what do you think? Well, I read... Illuminati. I read... Maybe slightly worse than that. He just didn't care, and it just had Illuminati printed. If I was him, I'd have... Oh, I read. Illuminati. I read. Maybe slightly worse than that.

He just didn't care and it just said Illuminati. If I was him, I'd have... Oh, I've joined a news organisation. Apparently, they've got a lot of clout all over the world and they gave me a ring and there was a ceremony and I morphed into a lizard man. One of the things the Illuminati haven't done is gone for the merchandise market.

I don't know why. Little hand signals. I read that that ring can track sleep and fitness goals and I don't like to say it. I like Megan. I think she's lovely.

But I think she's a snorer. I think she's keeping him awake and he's like, she's so pretty and I really love her, but I'm not getting enough sleep. I need to track it. And so I think he's gone for a fitness tracker to track his sleep. Because she has to have a floor, doesn't she? Well, what I was going to say,

well, I mean, the evidence is there. It hasn't bothered him that much, if you know what I mean. He's managed to find a way around it. But I didn't like about the hour ring. It says it gives you a readiness score. It leaves a funny taste in my mouth. I don't know, readiness score. Readiness.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've been talking mobile phones about Prince Harry. He's been seen with a mobile phone in his front pocket, which I don't like saying front pocket. I don't like it either. And Meghan was seen carrying her mobile phone. Mobile phone? Some sort of snail?

In her hand, like a human being. Yes. Like a pleb. Like a pleb. Like a pleb. Like one of us, a pleb. It's all right when you say it. Yes. Like a pleb. Like a pleb. Like one of us. A pleb. It's alright when you say it. Yeah. I'm a pleb. Go on.

Yeah, there's even phones all over the shop. Ksenia Sobchak. Bless you. Who apparently is Vladimir Putin's um... Pardon me. Um, Vladimir Putin's... Pardon me. Vladimir Putin's rumoured goddaughter.

Yes, what is this rumoured goddaughter? Rumour, how's it? She seems to be denying it. Why you wouldn't want to be associated with him, I don't know. But she seems to be saying, well, I'm kind of a goddaughter. Sure. She said, he was at my baptism right but there was, yeah there seems to be a bit of back and forth

about that but sorry Gary maybe she's an atheist now and she's just uncomfortable about it maybe Ksenia Sobchak journalist stroke politician stroke reality TV star stroke Vladimir Putin's god daughter well not just that, stroke

model on the cover of a pulp album. Was it This Is Hardcore? Oh, is she the one from This Is Hardcore? She's the one on the cover of that. Well, I never. That's quite a review. They never said that in Loaded magazine of ladies. And she makes rubber boots.

I mean, there's nothing this woman doesn't do. Wellies? Yeah. She describes them as rubber boots. I mean, there's nothing this woman doesn't do. She makes rubber boots. Wellies. Yeah. She describes them as rubber boots. Well, she's got into trouble because she is sponsored by, sponsored or been paid by Samsung. Are we allowed to say mobile phone?

Yeah, we're allowed to say mobile phone. Yeah, Samsung. Well, the whole story is... Ask an old FaceTime audio over there. She's been paid by Samsung to use Samsung phones, and she was seen with an iPhone X. Oh, outrageous. But what she did, she was on a news programme, wasn't she?

And she was texting furiously with her iPhone, and then to cover the illicit iPhone, she put a piece of paper over it, which was very paper-scissors-stone. Very modern version of paper-scissors-stone. It'll be Which was very paper, scissors, stone. Very modern version of paper, scissors, stone. It'll be an app this time next year, that.

But Al, everyone knows you don't go paper in that game. No. Because paper gets cut. I mean, all sorts happen to paper.

Yeah. Or stone. Even if I lose with stone, I feel, I don't care. I pick the best one. I mean, she's getting paid 108 million rubles

by Samsung. 18 quid. Thank you. Very 70s that. Russians are quite rich now. Yeah, they are. You're right. You're right. You'd think out of all that money, she could afford to hide it in a slightly more dangerous way, like under an anvil or something. Yes. It seems as strange. Well, they're suing her allegedly, aren't they? I think for that amount. They're suing her for 108 million rubles. Oh, that's right, yeah. She wasn't getting paid. That would be silly.

But it's a bit of route one. You've got to be more sneaky with the hiding of the phone. Yeah. I would have, I mean if I was being paid that kind of dollar, that phone, I would have set it on fire. Quite frankly. Wouldn't you?

Well, Al, I don't need to ask you. No, I wouldn't. I couldn't. The money. I mean, it's too much money. It says in the article that she's married to a Russian actor, Maxim Vitorgan. Oh, yeah. Now, he's the one who should be really interested

in the fact that his wife has got two phones. I think you know what I'm saying. I think you know what I'm saying. Never mind the sponsors.

He should be like you have iPhone as well? That's my Russian accent of jealous husband. Any acting? If you suspect your partner has two mobile phones and text in

and we'll send them a text back and incriminate them. There you go. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps,

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Oh, hello. We had some emails. We've been running, I mean, even if, as if Frank was here, we've been running

several strands of texting, one of which is places that you can't go back into. Because you've disgraced yourself. Indeed. Oh, someone,

he hasn't texted about the Brits, has he? No, Frank has not communicated. Love you. Miss you. I couldn't go into my local co-op until the member of staff in question had left

after I once went in complaining that the beer they had sold me was out of date. Once I'd finished, he pointed out that it was the production date. I can also never go back to my local kebab shop after being confused with someone called Andrew who was having an affair with the delivery driver's girlfriend. They l lace your food with salt and that was just their preparation?

It's just salty food. Yeah. You're a good seasoning mate, get over it. They put sauce and salad on my kebab. Those are good disgrace stories. I like those. Please keep those coming in. I like stories about people disgracing themselves. It's very our readers.

Gareth, I want to hear a bit about your brother, because I'm a fan of his work. Yeah, I know you are. Ever since Emily found out about my good-looking brother and I showed her a picture. You tried to meet up with him in New York once, didn't you? Why do you say you tried to meet up with him? You make me sound a bit beggy.

Desperate. What happened? This was several years ago, and I was going to be in New York, and you said, oh, I think my brother's going to be over there at the same time. I said, oh, that'd be nice. He said, oh, maybe you should meet up. I said, yeah, that'd be great. And then he said, did my brother call you?

I said, no. And Gareth said, I'm really sorry he would have, but he's too good looking, so he couldn't call you. Yes, he's too good looking. And that is a bit of a thing in your life, isn't it? It's the point where he just doesn't phone people. No, he doesn't need to. He doesn't need to make any effort,

because he's so good looking. Really? Have you seen a picture of him? I haven't, no, but I'm fairly sure I will when we play the next song. And not only that, ladies and gentlemen, but, I mean, it's going to sound like we're some sort of... I'm a bit stand-up-y, ladies and gentlemen. It's going to sound like we're some sort of show business family, but I really assure you, we're not.

No, they're not. No, you know that, don't you? Yeah, absolutely. There were times growing up when he only had one car. Oh, my God. But he is now a cinematographer, and he's doing ever so well. He lives in LA.

Wow. That's not the deal. That's not the deal, is it? No. La la. One show business person, and when I say show business, we're on Absolute Radio,

so perfect situation. It's like being the local newsagent with the one school children at a time. Yeah, there needs to be one person in the family who is doing something, trying to do something like that. Okay. Two, like, steals the focus, and he's doing, like, so his latest movie they're making is starring Frances McDormand. Okay, that's quite good.

And they've been hanging around. So her partner is Joel Cohen from the Coen Brothers. I know. Okay, don't cry. I mean, that is seriously famous and cool. I mean, I understand. And he's handsome. I'm on the Frank Skinner show and things I'm very grateful.

But Frank's not even here. He's hanging out with the Coen brothers. How are you feeling about that, Al? Can I just say, there is a flaw in this theory. Go on. And that is the Coen brothers, they're two people from the same family that are in show business. But, yeah, continue. And it doesn't always mean, it's not always ending tears.

What about Bross? We were just talking about them in the break. Hitching myself to that wagon. Hitch yourself to the cinematographer. so what's the current state of affairs i use the word advisedly with your brother well i never i hear a lot about him from my parents they're very very proud they're big fans aren't they big fans of it i mean to be fair they probably don't mention it to him but behind his back they're very proud yes and they go on and on about it all the time they came around for dinner this week To be fair, they probably don't mention it to him. But behind his back, they're very proud. And they go on and on about it all the time.

They came round for dinner this week, and we had him on the phone. And it was big, big news that Josh was on the phone, and we all got passed around to everyone. Hold the phone out, as we've discussed, apprentice style. Saying, OK, Josh, we're all here, we can hear you. I think that's OK for group calls, actually. It's probably all right for a group call.

Oh, well, if you think that, maybe you'd get along very well with old FaceTime audio over here. OK, I'll leave you two to chat. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're discussing Gareth Richards' brother this morning on Absolute Radio.

Some photographic evidence has been passed around of him during that song. And the reviews are in. Yeah, he's a good looking guy. Put it this way, he's definitely making it to judges' houses. Yeah, yeah. Lizzie described him as strong eyebrow game. Yeah. I mean, you can Google and find this. Not Gareth's good-looking brother.

Well, and Sarah, the producer, I think, what did you say, Sarah? I said, I'm sorry, but you're right, he is. Okay. So we've established the gentleman is... He's good-looking. Yeah. I mean, he's a cinematographer, but I think he's on the wrong side of the camera.

He's photogenic. With that lovely face. You're my kind of guy. Can I talk to you about Sunday drivers? So, meanwhile, over at the Richards' house... Yeah, so he phones and everyone's very excited and, you know, everyone talking to him on the phone. Are you familiar with the parable of the prodigal son?

No, but I'm getting the feeling you are. We're familiar with all the parables. Al, are you familiar with the concept of living proof of a parable? The young brother who asks for his inheritance early and goes out to seek his fortune and squanders it. Ends up feeding the pigs, but then is welcomed home with open arms by the father. But the older brother... Who are the pigs?

I don't know. Okay. As you were. We'll talk about that through in a long record. Well, the parable doesn't quite work because actually he's taken his inheritance and he's very wisely invested it and done quite well for himself. Okay.

But he comes back and the older brother... It's not that good a book then, is it? If the parables don't work. The older brother has been there the whole time looking after the family farm and what thanks does he get? None. Everyone's like,

oh, Ray, the younger brother has come home. Anyway, there was a ring at the doorbell after the phone call it's like 9 o'clock in the evening who could be ringing everyone I know is there we go down I love your life, you live in the arches

it's 9 o'clock in the evening you would be calling so it's on the actual doorbell the doorbell we go downstairs and I open the gate, go out the conservatory, open the gate, and there's a man there with his coat up over his face. Oh, my God.

And I thought I was about to be murdered. Right. But, because there's someone covering their face with their coat. Well, especially as you went through the conservatory, it's already very Cluedo. Yeah. But, because there's someone covering their face with their coat. Well, especially as you went through the conservatory, it's already very Cluedo. Yeah. Was it Professor Plum?

What are you holding a candle to? Lead piping. And so, but I think, you know, because your mind works so quickly in those situations, I was like, well, he hasn't killed me yet. Right. Surely if he wanted to kill me,

he'd leap straight into action. But he hadn't done it So I said Oh hello Can I help you? You're dealing with a dithering murderer Yeah like Nobody's favourite kind

And he pulled the thing away from his face And it was my brother Oh the prodigal son returns He'd been in the UK the whole time I thought it sounded very windy on the phone for LA. So we'd done like a staged hoax phone call. He'd had to come over to sort out his visa. Very boring.

And he, as a big surprise for everyone, had not told anyone he was there. Just turned up. Even his admin becomes somehow handsome. Well, also, what he does, what, if you'll forgive me talking about your brother, what the handsome brother does is he turns everything into a rom-com moment.

That is a very rom-com thing to do. Brilliant. The phone call, followed by the reveal in person. Yeah. And then, finally, the credits. The big surprise, which gives nobody any time to prepare for things or plan.

I was cooking. I had to make a dinner for four people, go around five. Were you wearing an apron when he arrived? Yes. Looking like a Greek god outside.

Maybe a light dusting of snow on his small hipster beard. He looked incredible. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Have you guys been watching X Factor, by the way?

Oh yeah, I have. Have you? Robbie Williams and Ida. Oh, I thought you just meant your brother. Because he's got the X Factor No I've never seen it I've never watched any of it You've never watched the X Factor? No Wow

What a world It sounded like it was so morally let down Well in a way I'm jealous But then That's just the state of mind It's not really my thing What is it a talent show? I hate that Well, in a way, I'm jealous, but then... That's just the state of mind. It's not really my thing. Well, I haven't watched this... What is it, a talent show? I hate that.

Can I just say, do you remember that Judge Pickles? What is it, a talent show? He was the one who used to say, who is this gazzer when he was presiding over trials? I haven't watched this series, but I did see something I rather enjoyed from a schadenfreude point of view. I'm going to say that word again, schadenfreude. Because it involved some of the contestants.

It's a stage, Gareth, am I right, they go to judges' houses, don't they? Yes, which we've talked about should be part of the criminal justice system. Going to judges' houses, that's a good idea. There should be a judge's houses stage. Well, you stay there and they see how you behave as a house guest. Might be slightly off-putting for the judge community. They may not want the criminals staying there.

I love the idea of the judge community. Very big in the judge community. So what happens is that they normally film them on X Factor and they turn up at the airport and then they love a reveal. They love a reveal. So you will be going to, they don't tell them the destination and often what happens

is they pretend to look happy when it turns out they're not flying to Las Vegas, they're going across the Irish Sea. Well in this instance, they were going to Los Angeles and they went... Where Gareth's brother lives. Yeah, where my brother lives.

Oh, he'll be hanging out with them. Sorry. All the glamour pussies. They went crazy wild. I mean, they were so happy. Because they were going to LA. Well, yeah. And then there were all these videos and pictures released of them living the high life,

sort of high life montages of them clinking glasses of almost champagne and sitting in chairs with the backrests and imagine chairs well on a plane and then unfortunately we found out it wasn't quite what it seemed did you hear this yes so what was the deal so is it um So people said that they saw it happening and they weren't actually sitting in business class. They just let them have a go in one of the business class chairs, pictured them, and then shipped them back to coach, back to economy. Sure, business can be brutal. Probably the hold.

In crates. Get in the van. Well, I believe what one fellow passenger said was they were sent back to economy like the rest of us. Now, I like the sound of this man because he sounded a bit like the kind of man that would say on your Jack Jones with us mere mortals. Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, they were, I mean, Aer Lingus, I believe the airline was, and they justified it by saying the contestants were allowed to sample the business class. The big bit of this news story is that Aer Lingus has a business class. I thought they were little planes that just went to Ireland and Britain. I didn't realise Aer Lingus, business class, is that? What's business? They don't shout at you. I don't want to get in trouble with them

because I'm sure they're a wonderful airline, but I haven't sampled their wares. I haven't sampled their business class. I haven't sampled any of their classes. But I'm not sure about sending someone up to sample it. It says in the article that I read that one of the contestants said, I could get used to this,

but I think that might have just been an Ed Sheeran impression. Also... I could get used to this. That's my little... Is it... Oh, do you know what else occurs to me? It's what? George Ezra.

It's George Ezra. I didn't know the reference. Oh, wrong guy. George Ezra. Oh, Dad. Bad luck, Grandad. Really annoyed now. Really annoyed. They're the same guy to me. At least I went for Dad. You went Grandad. Yeah, luck, Grandad. Really annoyed now. Really annoyed.

They're the same guy to me. At least I went for Dad. You went Grandad? Yeah, I went Grandad. Wow, that's way harsh. I'm really annoyed now. I think that would have done really well if I hadn't messed it up. You know what?

No one's listening. I still don't know that song. I'm going to go back into coach. Where I belong. My business class jokes. Oh, can I just say, don't you think what's, the thing that's terrible about this,

it is sort of an awful metaphor for their career. Oh, yeah. Essentially, which is... Just been on high speed. What did they say to you? You can have 15 minutes up there, okay? What were you going to say again? I'm haunted by the line in the James song,

Sit Down, ironically, Sit Down. If I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor. Which for a band with one major hit really is bittersweet. I think that's a suitably bleak place to leave this link on. This is

Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Any news from the outside world, chaps? 028, Tom in Taunton has texted, My girlfriend has two phones. Does this mean I should be worried she has a rubber boot manufacturing plant somewhere in Moldova? Yes, Tom. Yes.

Okay. That and also I think it's pretty sus. Yeah, I do as well. Sorting your problems out this morning on Absolute Radio We were talking about the X Factor contestants and the Oh god that George Ezra joke Yeah you really

I'm really upset about it You can never show your face here again I don't think I should Just in case anyone missed it I'll make a joke He made a reference to, and you mentioned Ed Sheeran, and it should have been George Ezra.

It's horrible, that feeling, isn't it? It's a really awful feeling. You think, oh, I used the wrong... I like it when it's someone else. I could get used to this. Yeah. Pardon me. So for some reason, oh, so you like it.

You like to see him brought down. Oh, yeah. Who? Al. Oh, me. No, I was just wondering, you know, just thinking of your brother. Just wondering where that might come from. A bit of psychoanalysis there.

But I do have empathy for the X Factor factor people i'm finding it quite stressful this year just how upset everyone gets and there's only one well there's only one winner and then there's limited places in the live shows and they get everyone's hopes up and it's like i remember do you remember one year there was a guy who worked in a bin lorry no but that's showbiz. And Nicole Scherzinger, like when he did an OK performance, but was going through, she said, that was incredible, no more bin juice for you.

Bin juice? Because they talked about that he had ended up covered in bin juice on his job. Sounds like she might have been paid to say that. Do you know what I mean? She said, no more bin juice for you. And then he didn't even get through to the live shows he might be back on the bins

yeah he's definitely there's going to be a period of no bin juice but you will go back to the bin juice if he's lucky also let's not be so down on the bin juice because let's be honest I think in some ways maybe the bin juice is an easier life

that's my thought for the day is that I think I think the bin juice is an easier life. Yeah, it's true. That's my thought for the day. Is that I think, you know, the bin juice man, I don't know much about her in particular, but it seems like she might have a lot of stress in her life. Who, Nicole Scherzinger? Yeah. Oh, yeah, once you get a taste of the bitter bile of show business, you'll be begging for bin juice.

You reckon? Do you know, that was some of the best alliteration I've heard in my 40-something years. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We were talking briefly about, we mentioned Joanna Lumley in the break. Oh, yes. Because she has been, there's something a bit odd going on with her, isn't there? Just a bit.

She has been announced that the ITV are doing a... The ITV is good. The ITV are doing a show about the Black Eyed Peas. Is it 20 years of the Black Eyed Peas? It's... It's some sort of anniversary the Black Eyed Peas. Is it 20 years of the Black Eyed Peas? It's some sort of anniversary of the Black Eyed Peas. Anniversary of the Black Eyed Peas. And it's being presented by Joanna Lumley.

You heard. That's strange, isn't it? Somebody may be waking up with a really terrible hangover and thinking, this is all blurred. Yes. Well, they were going to go Judi Dench, but she's a Lethal Bizzle fan.

Yeah. That's true. That's true as well, isn't it? Absolutely true. Sometimes the news is beyond parody. Also out, Miriam Margolis, bit blue. She is blue. She tells a blue anecdote.

I've seen that happen. Yeah. Joe, Joe Lou, is it? Joe Lumpkin. Well, that's what I think happened. I think they asked for J-Lo, and they've gone J-Lou. Oh. And I'm a bit worried about when they have Fergie back as a reunion,

and they bring on Alex Ferguson. And he has to sing Where Is The Love? With the chewing the gum. I don't know. Black Eyed Peas. So, yeah. It's actually quite hard to make stuff like this up that's more weird. It's bizarre.

Is Fergie, can we just say, is she not involved in the Black Eyed Peas? Because as far as I'm aware, it's Will.i.am. Do you mean Sarah Ferguson? No, I mean the original Fergie. Right, yeah, yeah. Sorry, slow down. The Black Eyed Peas, they used to be a female member called Fergie. There was Will.i.am, Apple.dapp and Taboo.

Bet on them all in the Grand National. Yeah up. Called Fergie. There was Will.i.am, Apple.dapp and Taboo. Bet on them all in the Grand National. Yeah, yeah. Fergie. Are these people all signing on? Is that why they've got non-diplombs? Taboo is a strange... Oh, this is my friend Taboo. Wow, Fergie was in the band.

I don't know. I always had a bit of a thing against her. Did you? Well, I'll tell you why. It was because an ex-boyfriend, we were watching telly once and he looked at her and, I mean, she was looking quite, you know, outrageously hot, I have to say.

And he said, oh, imagine looking like that. I bet you'd hate to look like that, wouldn't you? Oh. And I, yeah, I wasn't, got any mirrors in your house, but anyway. And have they found the body? So you've held that against her rather than him. Yeah, which is so wrong.

You've got this all wrong. You see, that's the problem, isn't it? That's the problem, Al. That's the problem. This is what I'm realising. So anyway, the reunion, well, not reunion, but the anniversary special, this is happening soon, is it?

They're going to make a documentary, I presume, about it. It's expected to air in late 2018. How will it work? I just can't see it really happening. Well, very strange. She did say about him, Joanna Lumley once said, he's extraordinary,

he never stops talking. Now, is that a compliment? No, I don't think it is. And when he does talk, he says some strange things. Will.i.am, in this article, he says, I have my family, my Black Eyed Peas family,

and my Voice UK family. I wouldn't like to be at his at Christmas. That's massive. He's going to need a massive table. Also, Al, he sounds a bit like me at the beginning of the show when I was going, I've got my make-up, I've got my glasses, when I'm organising my possessions. Is that how he treats his family in his career?

He has to remind himself. Yeah, he's got that many families. It's going to be the longest episode of Who Do You Think You Are Ever when he's doing his backstory. It's a strange friendship, though, isn't it, Will? It is weird. And Jo, is it Jolom you call her? Jolom.

Jailor. Yeah, Jolom. Jailor. Well, I hope it goes well for them. I hope it goes well. I just, I can't, I worry about J-Lo, J-Lo, J-Lo, presenting Don't Funk With My Heart. What are their other songs?

Anyone name it? What are the Black Eyed Peas songs? Where Is The Love. Where Is The Love is a big one. I got a feeling. Ooh. I think they also do that. I think they're going to start with that one.

They do. I could be on in the evening. No, they don't. Everyone does that, apparently. The I got a feeling one, I think, of a sort of quite toddler's disco. They like to jump around to that. Can you imagine?

It's very weird. That was one that you liked that one, Gavin. What next? Jacob Rees-Mogg hosting a show about drill music. That's what's coming next. I've so loved being here this morning, mainly because I've had you, our loyal listenership,

but also because I've had Alan Cochran. I'm going to rephrase that, because I've been with Alan Cochran. No better, no better. Thanks, Alan Cochran. Thanks, Gareth Richards. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8.

Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.