The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - The Squash (Now in full!)

Episode Date: October 19, 2019

Apologies for a truncated version of this week's show that went out earlier; this is now the complete uncut version..... Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to Whipsnade Zoo and had an unusual late night drink. The team also discuss the Good Samaritan who had a high tech way of returning a lost wallet and OXO cubes.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning to you both. Morning. Morgan. And good morning to all our

readers. Morning readers. There you go. So we've been sent a t-shirt. I wouldn't read the letter but it's in my bag. I'm going to get the letter in a minute. It's nice. It's alright. The producer's running to my aid.

I say running. You know what I mean. She got it out of your pocket. This is from Steve at Viper Clothing. And he says, blah, blah. So when I say blah, blah, I don't mean it's rubbish. I mean, it's quite praising. Yeah.

As a fellow lover of the art of ponning and a T-shirt printer, I was inspired to create the enclosed garment. So he sent me a T-shirt that's a pun. Yes. Okay. And it is two... Well, they're either seals or sea lions. Oh.

Now, I actually... Oh, I've worked it out now you've said that. Have you worked it out? Yes. So it's two seals or sea lions on the top of a shed or a house. I wonder what you

could be associated with which sounds slightly like sea lions. Oh, you think it's sea lions on a... Not she lions, three lions, darling.

I think it might be sea lions... On a shed. Three lions on a shirt. On a yurt. Sea lions on a yurt.

Well, thanks. You've killed the audience competition. It just came to me. There was going to be a prize of two tickets for the Euros final at Wembley. But now I'll have to have them for myself. Can't fake it. Can't fake that we didn't just work it out. Okay, well, that's it.

Sea lions on a yurt. That's very... Is that it? Do you think we've actually got it right? I think we've got it. We have. Oh, okay. Okay, well, that's it. Sea lions on a yurt. That's very... Is that it? Do you think we've actually got it right? I think we've got it. We have. Oh, okay. So well done, Steve.

I wasn't certain that it would be right. I'd much rather we got it. Would you? Yeah. But actually, I was at Whipsnade. Well, I didn't know it was French. No, it's a club I go to. No, I was at Whipsnade I feel sorry for them

I was at Whipsnade Zoo and only this week and a lady told us at one of the talks the difference between a seal and a sea lion It's about £ quid at retail. Yeah, it's...

I think I like the idea of... Can I suggest, can I put four in theory? They're a bit smaller than lions. Oh, I thought, because of the lion waist that we often talk about on this show, I thought maybe it would be a bit more I love my curves, the sea lion. No, sea lions are a bit smaller

and their whiskers are a bit shorter. And chewier. But there's not, I mean, there's not a match. She explained that you could see that one was bigger was basically the thing. But I'm sure there's other things. I mean, it was a very educational. I found out what a sitatunga was,

which I mean, have you ever heard of a sitatunga? No. The great thing about a sitatonga was, which I mean, have you ever heard of a sitatonga? No. The great thing about the sitatonga is it's a kind of an antelope-type thing. But all the other animals were out running around, and this one was just sitting. The sitatonga. Sitatoma. Just sitting there. just sitting there and I looked it up on Wikipedia which obviously is one of the great inventions of the last thousand years but isn't it interesting out since the internet which is the information

highway generally I find people know a lot less than they did before. Oh, absolutely. How did that happen? Anyway, I thought maybe this one is ill or something, so I looked up the sitatonga. It said something like behaviour and all that began basically sedentary. This is how lazy the... I'm sorry we got onto the sitatonga earlier. OK.

This is how lazy the sitatonga is. Among its main predators is the python. Right. Now, you've got to be pretty sedentary to be eaten by a... They don't chase you, do they? Not likely, do they? They're lurkers, aren't they? This is what I don't like about the python.

Just be honest with me, if that's what you're after. Come out and say it to my face. Grow some legs and run after me, is that what you mean? Well, there's that thing, which may be an urban myth, that when you first see them, they lie next to you and measure you to see if you'll fit inside them. Love it. They don't.

That's what I said. So a bloke said he was lying down and he realised there was a snake lying next to him to see if he'd fit. Like buying a sleeping bag the other way around. They make you sick. What horrible characters. They are, yeah.

There's no need for that, is there? It's so sneaky. They arrive on some pretense you've won a free suit. Next thing you know. Anyway, the sitatonga there. That's what you want on the radio, people who know stuff. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were just talking about, we were talking about sad songs.

Oh, yeah. we were talking about sad songs and I was saying that whenever I got dumped I used to play the saddest songs I possibly could I usually went Roy Orbison who's basically all his songs, the big O I imagine you in a room

I certainly miss that the big O. Oh, I imagine you in a room in there. I certainly miss that. The other big O, he, you know, crying and stuff like that. But I was just saying that. I think he means the song. No, but also, I like him being dumped and being slightly basic going into the shop. You've got crying. Yeah, that sounds good. I already had them. I had them in waiting. Oh, you've got crying. Yeah, that sounds good. I already had them.

I had them in waiting. Yeah. I was just saying to Emily, my plan was basically, okay, I've been dumped. Let's see how sad I can get. How low can you go? Was that your policy?

You see, I... I would wallow. I never favoured that. I always would adopt the, you know, paint on the smile. Smile though your heart is breaking. Oh, gosh, you were playing Chumbawumba, I get knocked down and I get back up again. You know what?

I would feel I couldn't even let myself go as far as I get knocked down. So I'd have to rule that song out. I would go full on Beyonce, Everything You Own in a Box to the left, you know. I have to go uplifting anthem I would love if someone if you dump someone

and then you change your mind, phone them up and in the background they were playing Jumbo Womba, I get locked down or I will survive like, yeah What about you Earl? I mean I know it's been a while What would your song be?

It's a long time ago I haven't got feelings I've got that if you want to borrow it Feelings? I'm probably somewhere in the middle like Radiohead or something aren't I? Oh You wouldn't play Radiohead if you got done

No I wouldn't Oh I might play Greed but that's another story I'd play Radiohead if I was post-nuclear attack. I like, I think also, angry songs. A bit of Fred Durst, a bit of... Suddenly... They're not angry Anderson.

Song by angry Anderson. Like, you know songs where people are angry with someone? I'm thinking off the top of my head, I'm sure, but you know what I mean. Why well-survived, would you say that? Alanis Morissette or whatever. Are you familiar with her work? I am.

I always thought she was very beautiful, I'll be honest with you. Yes, a strange look came over your face when I mentioned her that I didn't feel altogether comfortable with. No, no, it's made me uneasy. What happened? I don't know. You know know there are some people that you know there are people who are in very much in the public domain they're in the sort of Bay beautiful yeah throw whatever it is my love female they're in that seat people

talk about like Brad Pitt was there for you I didn't know anyone else who had Alanis Morissette in that seat but I thought why isn't she regarded like you know people put Pamela Anderson in the seat and she looked like I don't know what she looked like I hated her

I interviewed her twice she's horrible she favoured an hug on the beach and I never approved of that she loved an hug on a beach She's horrible. Was she? Oh, God. And she did, you know... She said this is what we're here for, Frank. She favoured an hug on the beach, and I never approved of that. She wore an hug on a beach? She loved an hug on a beach. She said to me the second time she was on,

because I said, when I first interviewed her, she said, have I been on here before? I said, yeah, yeah, like a year ago. Anyway, we were talking for a bit, and then she stopped me and said, hold it, hold it. Now I remember doing this show. I remember the awkwardness. Oh, terrible.

Was Tommy Lee there? No, no. He seems nice. Yes, I think it's... Anyway, we shouldn't speak ill of the stupid. I don't think that's a general rule in life. 409 has got in touch, Frankie. 409.

Sea lions have visible external ears. That, yes. And have elbow joints. There's one just come in. Your dream audience member. Yes, that's right. They can do... I'll tell you what,

when a seal moves, it does that Slight Man from Atlantis thing. Oh, yeah. Sort of going squiggly in the sort of wriggly. But they, yeah. external ears and have elbow joints. Yes. Hence the clapping. Whereas seal slippers obviously don't bend.

That's from Rosie on my way home after a night shift. Thank you, Rosie. It's a night shift, not at the zoo. She doesn't say. No. It's tempting to think that she's a zoologist. Do they have night shifts? I suppose they must have people there at night. What about the bats?

Nocturnal animals. What about when the bats are having one of their legendary get-togethers? Oh, that's true, yeah. Or owls. There's probably quite a lot of work at night in the zoo. The night owls? Yeah. Wow, never met anyone who worked in a zoo at night.

That'd be great, wouldn't it? At London Zoo, if I may mention London, forgive me, anyone listening in the regions. I think you can mention... You can sleep in London Zoo, if I may mention London, forgive me, anyone listening in the regions. I think you can mention. You can sleep in London Zoo, I think. Wow. You can have a sleepover. I wanted to invite you, actually.

We'll talk. Whoa. Not just you and me and the meerkats. Obviously, I'd like Kath and Buzz to be present. Me and you in two silverbacks in a bed. Oh, wow. I'm a bit of a silverback myself nowadays, to be honest with you. Are you going to sleep?

Oh, sorry, Al. No, I was going to do another learning moment that's come from the outside world. Do it. You both began sentences and I'm very happy to shelve it. I'd like us to do the radio show from the Alonzo, please. People on the radio who know stuff. If someone could organise that, a live broadcast from London Zoo,

you can stay there. There are lovely little cabins you can stay in. That sounds fun. Oh, let's do it. The lions. Sounds great. I wonder if they make much noise at night, the lions. They sleep, I think, two-thirds of their day.

They sleep tonight, I believe. That's what I was told, anyway, in the jungle. Let me just look up the facts. Sorry, this is the foreword. Why did he... Hold on, there's one other paragraph. the forward to the why did he eeeeee eeeeee run my way home hold on there's one other

paragraph eeeeee eeeeee sorry everyone I'm going ahhh hold him there point of order

re-tight fit um the quiet jungle the lion sleeps tonight in the jungle the is it the quiet jungle

isn't it the mighty jungle oh Isn't it the mighty jungle? Oh, I think so. Can the jungle be mighty? Yeah. Sounds like it has a personality trait. I think tight fits got it wrong. I think it's in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.

I think the quiet is the second. I think he comes in second with quiet. Anyway, I don't want to fall out with you over this. I don't think it does. I think it sticks with mighty. I think there's quiet second time but you know. Let's change the subject before this gets any

tenser. We had an email entitled Eureka Moment that's where somebody realises something that they should have known for years. Yes. It begins I saw Frank performing Brighton at the weekend really enjoyed it. Was he glad that Uncle Fester finally shut up

and let him get on with the show? I'm guessing that the answer to that is yes. There was a man that looked like Uncle Fester from Adam's family. Was he a bit interrupty? He was a seal, man. He was all right. He was a man who arrived with some jokes.

You know, that kind of character. Oh, that kind of character. He was good, though. He joined in. Good for him. Anyway, they continue. I had a eureka moment this week when my wife pointed out that you're not supposed to unwrap oxo cubes and crumble them with your fingers but in fact they open up into little sachets that you squeeze in the packet and then pour

straight in the pan years of smelly fingers for nothing. Did anybody else know this? Shut up. I knew to stop that immediately. Can I say, when we were children, we used to eat those cubes. Of course you did.

I did as well. My mum would say, he'd throw us an oxo cube. We would. We wouldn't squeeze it out of a sachet. We'd strip it so it was a cube. I love those cubes. I'm not sure the wife's right. I call her the wife. Some Eddie Lodge.

I'd like to know what the people think. I don't. Have you ever eaten an oxo cube, Al? I've never eaten one, but I used them several times. I've eaten, I'm exactly like Frank. This is where our childhoods collide. Looking back.

Over the oxo cube we used to eat. I used to eat a lot of raw vegetables, which my dad would just take out the garden, take the soil off, and then I'd eat them. Right. And I also used to eat raw sausages and oxo. What I did, we just, maybe we hadn't got a cooker, looking back. So you effectively had a roast just in your stomach.

I was a cooker. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello. We've had a little bit of an OXO Cube update. Yes. A little bit of OXO in my... Update. Don't.

Reminds me of my neighbours last week. Oh, yeah. They were quiet this week. I think they heard the show. Frank et al. I didn't. No. My mum and sister crumble beef oxo cubes onto hot buttered toast.

They both love it. I'm a vegetarian, but I do remember enjoying this as a child. Well, I'll tell you something. This thing about you squeezing out the sachet, I seem to remember there was an advert and it was something like the Oxo Sprinkle or something like that. And you'd see... There was. It was the late Linda Bellingham.

Was it? Yes. Yeah, was it? Was it already Linda Bellingham at that point? Yes, it was. And then there would be a close-up of the fingers gently squeezing. But they would squeeze the OXO cube within... No, but I'm seeing it sprinkling so that it drops out in little bits.

There was no sachet work. No, there was no sachet chante. I love Linda Bellingham. I met her at a do-one. She was so funny and nice. Lovely woman. And also, of course, she was in The Trial of a Time Lord. I beg your pardon?

Sorry. I've just got the Blu-ray of Trial of a Time Lord to Colin Baker. Oh, me too! I thought we'd coincided. Oh! Linda Bellingham in a fabulous sort of head thing that she wears. I mean, yeah. Anyway.

More Bellingham later. What else is happening? Have we heard a... More Doctor Who later. Have we heard anything else from the outside world? Well, I'll tell you what I'd like to share with you. I want to say thank you, really. Art and Hugh, who's one of our regulars,

a very talented artist, makes these pop art prints and Art and Hugh sent us some fabulous pop art prints this morning. Oh, he sent me two brilliant George Formbees, actually. Two George Formbees. Al? Oh, I got a... What's her name?

Diana Rigg. Diana Rigg picture from... Who was the first person to do Kung Fu in a film or something? First Westerner. He said he wanted Frank to have George Formby for the walls of your banjo ukulele room. Yeah, nice. Okay. Al, absolutely right. For the

Coxportee for Pop Art Print of Diana Rigg as Mrs Emma Peel. The first Western actress. Why was she called Emma Peel? This is one of those you know those things that we do called big moments, that things that facts that everybody knows that you present as if nobody knows it. Although the booby trap of that

is that I often don't know them, so I think this might be one of those as well. Do you know why Emma Peel was called Emma Peel? Emma Peel, in case you don't know, does a programme called The Avengers. And she was... Stand around. If you're there with children in the room,

I'm about to use the word sexy. Be careful. And she was like the sexy sidekick woman in a leather catsuit and all that. I don't know if it was Kung Fu, but certainly martial arts. It's the Kung Fu and the Elvis, Mark. But why was she called Emma Peel?

Don't know. Do you know? No, I don't. It was short for M appeal, man appeal. Oh. So M appeal. Oh. I know.

Imagine bringing that up in a meeting now. What if we name her after man appeal? Is man appeal a phrase? It used to be a big phrase, man appeal. You see, I didn't know the original phrase. I just knew sex appeal. Apologies again for the second use of that word this morning. I'm amazed you haven't heard of man appeal.

Man appeal, what's that? Because you got it in buckets. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. 579 has sent us an interesting message. Oh, yeah. Frank M and Al, I used to eat OXO cubes as a child and I still do. Good on you.

I'm in my late 40s. OK. Get yourself a little case out of your diet. And then, what, do you think that's it? You think salt must be all right for you after all. I don't have a lot of tummy rumbles. Must have with a glass of orange squash. Ooh.

That's gross. What do you mean, ooh? Like, that's nice. I like the sound of that. Well, all right, I'm going to have to take back my thought about the next sentence. Never met anyone else that did this until I met my husband. Love you all, darling. See, that's how we find the right person.

Yeah. In life. If they eat OXO cubes. And drink orange squash. If you eat OXO cubes and drink orange squash. If you meet someone who has a similar quirk

when I say a similar quirk I don't mean obviously Pauline. We didn't think you meant that. So you're going out with Pauline

Quirk and they're going out with like Helen Quirk who's a cousin who looks quite a bit like her. I got in the other night late. Yes. What time was late? Well, it was about one in the morning.

Oh, that is late. Late for me. And, you know, I sat down, I had a nice orange squash. And I thought to myself, is it too late for orange squash? It really felt... It's not a night-time drink. Yeah. Yes, I mean, it's not really a...

It's not really a sort of 2019 drink, if I'm 100% honest with you. Dear Deidre, did I do a bad thing? No, I don't think you did anything. Squash has sort of died out now, darling. I don't know. I mean, obviously text in any fans, but I mean... I still have a squash. Do you?

I thought to myself, if this was, say, a Ribena, which we could call a blackcurrant squash... Sure. ..I would feel that all right, because there's something about its purpleness which makes it of the night. Oh, yeah. Yes, it's a...

Whereas the orangeness of squash reminds me of the sun. It's the sort of morning drink, isn't it? Orange. Orangey drinks are very morningy. I would say you're right. Orange squash is your daytime friend. Yeah. And Ribena's your nightclubbing pal.

Yeah. We've all got them. I remember we had a... I had a cleaner once, I know, and she was going to Ibiza for a week and she had her nails done like one orange, one yellow, one orange, one yellow, and I said, that's nice. And she said, yes, sun and sand, which I thought was fabulous.

No, she was talking about your laundry pile. Yeah. Yes, I know what you mean sometimes in the evening you see a hot chocolate similarly if someone hot chocolate at 10 in the morning bit strange yes yeah that's true

you'd better be skiing what are the other squashes you can get you can't get apple squash. Oh, you can. Apple squash? Yeah, we do. It's really nice.

I've never heard anything called apple squash. Well, we get it. And my kids were really excited that I got some the other day. It's one of the few bits of good dadding I've got to chalk up. Can you get a melon squash? Oh, I don't think so. I don't know why squash is seen as so uncool, though. Yeah.

Well, because it's quite 70s, Frank. It's not very healthy. That's why. If we were in a cafe in LA now having breakfast and someone said, I'll have an OG, please, and they ordered an orange juice, that would be fine, wouldn't it? Give me OG.

Yeah. Actually, OJ Simpson was known as The Juice, I believe. Yes, he was, yeah. If his name had been O.S. Simpson, would he have been known as The Squash? No, he wouldn't. And you're suggesting if someone... Oliver Sacks.

Does anyone call Oliver Sacks The Squash because he's O.S.? No. That's my thing. So what would it be wrong if that same guy said give me an iron squash people would think what the

earth has happened anyway I think squash is getting quite a bad deal and I can I also say I spent my whole childhood not calling it squash

squash was someone I picked when I was 20 we always called it cordial right so you'd have orange cordial well when I had my Scottish accent we always called it diluting. Right. So you'd have orange cordial. Well, when I had my Scottish accent, we always called it diluting. Oh, did you? We would just say, can I have some diluting, Mum?

That's cool. You've made it sound like a very trendy energy drink. If it was still called diluting, that gorilla that escaped from London Zoo and had five litres of Ribena would have known not to drink it neat. Yes. Apparently you weed purple for three days. We've heard from Debbie, we've been talking about oxo cubes this morning

on Absolute Radio, and orange squash. It's like 1978. Yes, whether we ate them, rather than just use them in gravy, whether one could. I also remember using them as a sort of hot drink. So just putting them in boiling water and drinking that. Did you ever try it with the...

Did you ever go yellow instead of red? Terrible mistake. Oh, chicken. Oh no. I tried it with the chicken and you know what? I got the shock of my life. Yeah. I thought that was going to be a different anecdote. Exactly, it sounded like a police statement.

It really didn't deliver in the same way. No, it's very watery and sippy thing isn't it in the same way. No, it's very watery and sippid thing, isn't it? The chicken stock. I mean, it made me nauseous. Oh, chicken stock. You know when people boil the chicken and say, oh, I'll make a bit of stock with that.

It's always like... Oh, grey old bone in there. Yeah, just have a glass of water, save a lot of gas. Put in some squash. Yeah, can you get chicken squash? I was saying to you off-air, but I was reluctant to say this because it sounds good. Could they do that?

Could they have things like tea squash or red wine squash, like concentrates of all these things that just add water to? Oh, red wine squash. It's amazing what they can do now, so I wouldn't be surprised if the mines were at work on it. It just had boiling water. That would make tea making much simpler. We were sort of not really allowed squash when I was younger. I think it was seen in our house.

That's a big council house. Is that what you're going to say? How dare you? Okay. Yeah. No, I'll tell you what. I think we saw it sort of as, the kids that

watched, Tiz was, would have squash. Do you see? The kids that watched ITV. We had this thing. We had sterilised milk. My mother did. Can you still get sterilised milk? I believe so. It was sort of post UHT milk. It really was

white water. That was the full thing. And even my dad called that council house milk, and we lived in a council house. Sorry, I was mid-Debbie. It would work the other way, wouldn't it? When I was growing up, I would have definitely judged somebody if they had one of those silver, alessi, orange squeezer things. Oh, God, yeah. I don't think I knew anybody that had that. Or if they had a of those silver alessi orange squeezer things oh god yeah i don't think

i knew anybody or if they had a tantalus who you know a tantalus do you know what that is em i bet your family had a tantalus oh what is a tantalus yes i feel i know this is it a kitchen appliance no it's more of a dinner party, get the tantalus out. Oh, is it like a Lazy Susan type thing? I'll tell you what it's like. Does it tantalise? It does tantalise. I think there's a, is it Greek myth thing, there's a person called Tantalus who's tempted and can't quite,

can't remember the story. Yeah. But anyway, a tantal, you know a stocks that they used to put people in for punishment with your head and arms tied up? Oh, yes. Well, it's like that, Arnie, with alcohol. It's like a wooden thing, and you can't get the alcohol out unless you've got the key.

So the bottles are there, but tantalisingly, they're in like a little wooden thing that stops you from picking them up and pouring them out. They'd be nice with some of your friends, Frank, in the old S&M. Exactly, yeah, exactly. It's a lovely Christmas gift. Okay, so... Have you got a Tantalus 8-12-15?

If so, please contact Frank. Apparently, hold on now, apparently Dave Barry did that texting this week. Debbie has... Can't say I'm a big squash fan now, though, as is often the case. Oh, you do drink squash now. Well, you know what? I do often think, again, as I was saying to you off air, I think, well, if I'm going to be bad,

I'd always want bubbles. What I love about... I'd always want the fizzy. However, you know, as you pointed out to me, I had a spring water. Yeah, do fizzy water with it. It's fine. You've got everything. I like the fact that you're in control of the strength. Yes. Which you aren't when you buy, like, orange juice comes in only one strength as far as I know, pure orange juice. What a great way to look at it. Yeah,

that's it. It's all about, you know, let's face it, there's more and more control he's taken away from us in the modern world. Let's hold on to squash. Love it. Debbie has said, when I was at school, my friend had an OXO cube in her lunchbox every day, and I do remember this myself. If we were lucky,

she'd crumble a bit in our hand for us to have a taste. Les Miserables. I wouldn't mind one on a sandwich, sliced. I might try that when I get home. I've decided I'm going to go home and watch Child of the Time Lord now just for some... a bit of Bellingham in the courtroom.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Morning, team. Squash hasn't disappeared. It's been rebranded as Presse. Elderflower Presse is very much in vogue. Oh, yes. I had three Elderflower Presse's last night. Big night for you. It was. I was at the Mask of Orpheus.

What? At the English National Opera production. Knocking back elderflower presses. Knocking back elderflower presses and talking to Wayne Sleep. Were you really? Yeah. This is again one of those nights that you had

that sounds like a fever dream, but it's actually got real life. It actually happened. You know, I have a problem sometimes when I'm talking to people or with people that a song comes into my head inspired by them. Remember, I told you I was with a guy who looked like John Lennon and the next thing I knew I was going,

Martha, my dear. And he said, why are you singing that? And I had to explain. I think he was pleased, really. And also I did it with Eric Clapton when I sang the Layla riff. I hated it when you did that. He asked me not to sing.

But anyway, last night. So embarrassed. Last night I was talking to Wayne Sleep. And there was just a slight, you know, someone else came over. And I heard myself going, oh, make closer, tiny dancer. And then I thought, no, no, don't sing tiny dancer to one sleep. He was very nice. I've never met the sleepster before.

Is he a tiny dancer? He's a small boy. He's a very small man. Yeah. You can have him in a music box. You know, I would put him... Do-do-do-do-do-do and him dancing.

Oh, I'd love that. Keep him on my shelf. He's probably done that as a sketch. Probably. You know, there was a while where, I think it was the BBC did, like, a collection of old people go to somewhere foreign. Oh, that Magnolia Hotel.

That's the one, yeah. He was on a few of those and seemed like he was very good company. Yeah, he's likeable. You know, I warned Sid Little from that. Right. Wow. Lovely man.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. Even Sid Little. Are you not a fan? He seemed very nice. I'm sure he's very nice. Frank, do you remember the Alpine Pop Man in the Smedic area?

I do. Or the Corona Man? The Alpine Pop. Who used to deliver, it was Fizzy Pop. That's from Richard and Jane, who were at your show the other night and said it was absolutely brilliant. There was a truck that used to bring pop to the door. Yeah.

Yeah, like we could. But the bottles, the Alpine pop, honestly, the bottles, I don't know what the actual thing was, but there were about three or four pints in them. They were the biggest bottles of pop ever. So what, they would bring it to the, what, like a milk float or something?

Yeah, they'd be in a trough. They used to have another thing called Davenports that delivered beer to your house. And it was called, their thing was beer at home means Davenports that delivered beer to your house. And it was called, their thing was beer at home means Davenports. Think of it as an early forerunner of Uber.

Like Uber Eats. Uber Drinks. And Alpine's signature pop Deliver Yow Deliver Yow That's very good. It was

It was Yao. That's very good. It was... It was... It was... Their signature pop was Pineapple Aid. Oh, wow. Which I've never seen a four or since. It was lovely. Well, that worries me. Sounds great.

It would taste... Wouldn't it taste... Would it not? The trouble with the fruit fizz sometimes, it would taste like the pineapple had just gone off a bit it's like fizzy milk oh yeah when it gets fizzy

I told you I had fizzy ketchup in a chip shop last year and I shook it up as one does ketchup and it squirted in my eye it was so can I just say

a lot of people are with you Frank on this squash 987 I treat OJ a bit like squash actually

oh and put water in precisely so that i can control the strength if i'm at home i always add water usually about 30 70 in favor of the water wow isn't that far off the 10 90 ratio i always use for squash well when i often what's your numbers a very scientific approach i have to say i'm i'm more i i would say i'm more like 1585 favouring water with squash yeah i often when i watch comedians about 40 60 if i have squash wow are you someone do you've got teeth quite close to being like a child there. I have to be very careful of the children doing their own squash because they'll go full 50-50.

Yes, they'll just drink it neat. I watch, when I watch comedians, I always think too much water, not enough Ribena. If it isn't quite funny enough. Do you know what I mean? Oh, lovely. The jokes is the Ribena for me isn't quite funny enough. Do you know what I mean? The jokes is the Ribena for me when I watch a comic.

Shall we call them, we'll have a little, I think I'll just call them diluting. Good performers, but a bit watery. Yeah. Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

013 has texted. In fact, somebody has also emailed us with this fact. We watched a documentary with the late Cilla Black and her favourite was rubbing OXO cubes on fresh oranges. Wow. I wouldn't have thought that of her. No. Well, it's an interesting trait of hers.

I've told you before I think that my abiding memory of Cilla was seeing her leave her dressing room at London Studios with everything

everything the tissues those little molten brown shampoo things from the shower I mean she had took the soap

the whole lot piled up like she'd like a competition winner and i like that that she'd retained that you know i'm having this yeah to her it was great um we're getting a lot i'm gonna try that i'm just saying we're getting a lot of people getting in touch with memories fond memories of the corona, yeah. Who was the person who delivered, Lindsay Shaw says he delivered to our village shop. I used to live next door to a hotel with two golf courses.

Fancy. And the guests used to put empty bottles in the bins on the tees. So as the kids, we would go around collecting them to get a 10p deposit back. Oh, really? Wow. I remember taking a pram full of bottles back, getting about 180. I couldn't believe it.

That's when the drinking started, I think. 991 has texted, the best ever breakup song, well, best ever breakup record, they've said, is what makes you cry by the Proclaimers. The dumped partner is completely delusional about how his other half feels after their separation. Oh. Now, part of the reason I've read that

is that the Proclaimers, I think, are one of those bands that everybody that really knows them says, oh, they're way more than those big pop songs, and I've still not got round to them. No, I know what you mean. Are we Proclaimers fans? I know what you mean, because those songs that we know are so absolutely brilliant.

Yeah, and poppy and all that. Well, you know what, they have such energy. That's what my grandmother always said about heavy metal. Such energy. Yeah, shall we make that our maybe next year our new resolution? Listen to Proclaimers? Is to listen to more Proclaimers album tracks. And we can't go Route 1.

Proclaimers, the B-side. I already think that is not a Route 1 New Year's resolution for 2020. No, but we can't start with when I wake up. No, that's off the menu. We have to skip that and walk in 100,000 miles and all that. Yeah. Yeah, and letter from America. I'll tell you what I like.

I like the fact that we're on a ramp for New Year's resolutions already. Yeah, you can't... Some people are planning Christmas. I went past Liberty's this morning, the popular store in central London, and there's a big thing outside. Not like a sign. it's like a permanent it looks like on the wood. It says Christmas

shop, fourth floor. Already? So already, yeah. It's coming. So why not? They don't push the New Year's resolutions like they do. Gymnasiums should start pushing the New Year's resolution things. Good point. And of course HMV and having a proclaimer's section.

Ow. Does HMV still exist? I'm not sure if it does. Yes, I was in one recently. Oh. They are, if you go, as I am currently doing now, if you travel from... You weren't doing a Mr Magoo.

Hey, I'm going into my own record. Yeah, it was a phone shop. These CDs are kind of chubby. No, I thought they'd all gone but the great thing about touring

is that, you know, you see Britain. A lot of people in London, I know, have never been to Blackburn,

for example. Have you been to Blackburn? No. No. and most people haven't and touring is

touring and watching West Bromwich Albion away is what's taught me about this fabulous country of ours

it's funny you keep it so real isn't it I spent a year going to a lot of Arsenal away games and that's how I got to see this wonderful country

of ours it's true I recommend it thank you I recommend it. Yep. Thank you, good night. I recommend you all do a comedy tour. Yeah. And have a real good look at the country. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I was just laughing at the speaker's cat being called Order. Mm-hmm. Which I enjoy. Is it? Yeah. It's the speediest. Order called Order, which I enjoy. Is it? Yes. Order, order, come on, order. That's the previous speaker, isn't it?

No, this speaker has adopted. No, but he doesn't do the Scottish. He doesn't do Scottish, but he does say that he does go, Order, order, order. Division. That's when Joy comes into the training. Ah, yes.

So, here's the thing. Yeah. My personal assistant said to me, your overflow is running... I love these inclusive anecdotes. ...is running... Well, everyone's got an overflow. It's running on the decking of the people

that live on the ground floor flat. There's a very nice woman called Roberta owns that flat. And my PA said, you know, Roberta said, it's just every time you put your heating on, there's water running down onto her deck, and could you do something about it? And I texted back, am I getting a bit of flack from Roberta?

Oh, lovely. And she said, no, she's been really nice about it, actually. She should have said, oh, she's killing you softly. Yeah, exactly, but I didn't, so I tried. And this is why I'm on tour, really. I need to be around people who are ready for me. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Oh, for God's sake. The poor woman has to work for you. You know, they need to be, you know, they need to be set, waiting for the joke. Yeah. Yeah. You can't just pounce. It's gone now.

Can you imagine working for Frank? I mean, it's not enough. Well, I do. But, Frank, it's not enough. Well, I do. But Frank, it's not enough that she notified you about that. It's always joke incoming. Do you remember there was another incident like this when I asked her about five different questions on an email and ended with, what are the 39 steps?

And she said, what is the context of the 39 steps? Oh, I need to stop of the 39 steps? Oh. I need to stop being such a smart aleck. But life would be dull indeed. Something like that. I mean, if you were to stop being a smart aleck, you might not be one of those people on the radio

that knows things. Exactly. And there's not many of us left. Let's see. We've had a correction, haven't we, actually? Oh, yeah. If you're interested. Oh, no. I'm always interested.

Dearest Emily, I believe Uggs were originally worn by surfers in the 60s slash 70s to keep their toes warm. Really? So usage on a beach is entirely appropriate. Okay. Shaming Pamela Anderson for choosing utility over style isn't cool. Oh, wow. Do you know Wow, that's a good thing. You've taken me down.

That's good. I mean, I think Frank said worse about Pamela Anderson, to be fair. He's a horrible person. I always thought that the cave people invented the og. Oh, did you? Yeah. It's got cavemen all over it. Yes, I know what you mean.

It's got sort of 70s idea of cavemen. Well, they look like they're from the Flintstones, don't they? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well, that's where I get all my caveman facts from. Which I discovered this week was the Flintstones. What? I thought they were the Flintstones.

Huh? Meet the Flintstones. What did you think Flintstones were? stones what I always thought they were the flint stones meet the flint stones what did you think flint stones were oh I just didn't see it as having two T's I didn't

flint yeah I know I was four when I first watched it I know okay I wasn't thinking oh this must be

a clever pun on the word flint well it's not I don't think it's it's just that the's just a stone. Flint stone. Flint and stone, yes. You thought it was some sort of Irish cave people. I thought it was perhaps

a name. Flintstone. Yeah, just Flintstone. Okay, I do apologise. I don't know what to say. I'll be alright in a minute. I'll be alright in a minute. I'll be alright in a minute I'll be alright in a minute I'll be alright emails have we had emails yes

texts we've been discussing not it's not as route one as misheard lyrics is it we've been discussing lyrics that you thought

were one way and then it turns out they're another way but your way you think was better yeah you improve lyrics accidentally improve lyrics i don't know we've had a few of these now i began with me uh doing a thing from rhinestone cowboy which was definitely better when i heard the lyrics and thought oh that's what he says mine was much better yes and then we've had a couple of yourself yeah and a couple of people have sent in ones that thought, oh, that's what he says. Mine was much better than that. If you may say so yourself. Yeah, and a couple of people have sent in ones

where they have definitely improved it. Now, interestingly, Aretha Franklin was the first one we had, which was from, I don't know the actual title, but is it called Say a Little Prayer for You? Yes, I believe so. And she talks about running for the boss boss i run for the boss too yeah and and the person who sent it in thought how fabulous to be thinking of someone even as you run for the boss and then it turns out she's it's when she's sitting on the boss which is obviously you think

of all sorts of rubbish so it's it's around and i like it i like it i mean that one was a very well argued text i like the idea that we the non-professional songwriters can have our moments and I like it, I like it. I mean, that one was a very well-argued text. I like the idea that we, the non-professional songwriters, can have our moments when we make things better. We've had an email from Joe. Hi, Frank Cockrell and DVM, Divine Miss M. Hi. Your chat about Aretha Franklin's Respect last week

made me realise I'd been singing it wrong. Did you say DVM? DVM. Divine Miss M. Yeah. Oh, it should be... Yeah, you're right. DME.

Yeah. Anyway. Well, I think what they're doing there, if I may be so bold, yes, I may, is they're just going for an approximation of my name it's almost like shorthand I'm seeing that

it's not a bullseye but it's on the board is that what we're going with? text speak close but no cigar I thought the lyrics were take out TCP i.e. that you needed all healing liquid for the terrible treatment and the letters

TCP are in R-E-S-P-E-C-T Do you see? Can I say I went home last week and we talked about Respect by Aretha Franklin It's a change in your house

and someone had sent in saying this thing about mishearing the lyrics. And I didn't really understand. I didn't get it. And I did that thing of smiling and pretending I'd got it, which I hate. I always like to tell people. I'm so unlike you. And I went home and I thought, I didn't really understand.

Do you understand now? Does she say, there's a bit where she goes, I thought she spelled out, go on, yeah. Okay. But be slow. R-E-S-P-C-T, find out what it means to me. R-E-S-P-C-T, take out T-C-P. Suck it to me, suck it to me.

Do you see? So what she actually said was, take care, T-C-B. Take care of business, is what I believe it is. Oh, I thought you said then take care of TCB. I did, because I was referencing the email we received on the 14th of October 2019. Thank you, your witness. Okay. Your Honour, I hardly think that TCP,

which may not even be available in the United States, and if it is, will be called something like Pempermule. I hardly think... You're so good at naming things! I hardly think that Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul, is going to bring up some sort of pharmacy item in the midst of a fierce diatribe about being disrespected?

Well, I would agree with what the Honourable Gentleman says. However, I did, as a teenager, definitely make a similar error. I genuinely thought it was a reference to TCP. I understand what you're saying. However, I didn't, I wasn't sophisticated enough to make that cultural leap. Okay. Thank you.

So she actually says TCB, as in taking care of business. Yes, which I believe is... Well, it's something that Elvis Presley took up as a sort of... Talking of Elvis Presley, are you familiar with the work of Hamburger James? No. I've only come across his work recently. He was someone Elvis employed solely to get hamburgers.

Brilliant. And he was called Hamburger James. Oh, OK. I think things might have ended badly. I think they were guns or something. I'm not sure. I should hope so. Gums, okay. I think things might have ended badly. I think they were guns or something. I should hope so. Goms, maybe. No, that doesn't ring any bells, Hamburger James.

I thought I knew most of the inner circle. Yeah. Well, there you go. There you go. Sorry, it was quite a detailed and complicated link in many ways. I've got also a lyric thing, but let's go now, because the producer not only is waving at me, but a small trail of blood is coming from one of her ears.

That worries me. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, it's been a big week for, I want to say, your people, because there was a Good Samaritan story this week. Oh, yeah. When I say your people, I obviously mean... What, the followers of the Nazarene? Correct.

OK. Did either of you see this story? It was someone had lost their wallet and it was reunited with lost their wallet and it was reunited with them via a good Samaritan, but it was an ingenious technique used.

Feels so good. Does it? Then it gets understood. I missed rehearsal again. Another week. My scheduling conflict so by the way can I

just ask you a question re the the original the OG um what did it

with the OG did some people turn him down did some people turn the man down is that what

happened a man gets beaten up by brigands and he's lying on the street. I mean, it could happen, let's face it. It's got modern context. Yeah.

You say that. Still trying to deal with the brigands, aren't we? The street was called the Way of Blood. If you are going to walk down a street called the Way of Blood, it takes your chances. Do you know what? There's a lot of brigands about. I had a similar problem

years ago. There was a story about some people that had been captured by pirates and they'd sailed their boat down the straits of pirates and I was thinking well come on Was that Alan? There comes some point where you have to take responsibility doesn't it? I think people think well they wouldn't call it that if it

actually, it's that double bluff We thought he was safe. Anyway sorry you were telling me about the OG People think, well, they wouldn't call it that if it actually... It's that double bluff. We thought he was safe. Anyway, sorry, you were telling me about the OG Samaritan. Yeah, so, yeah, two people cross over the road, including a priest. Oh, come on, Dave. And then the Samaritan, who's like the sort of, you know,

the foreigner, if you like. I want to know what love is. Yeah. He goes over, not only helps the guy, but puts him into lodgings to recover. No, not... Right. Puts him into lodgings and says to the gaffer of the lodgings,

here's a few extra, Bob, if he needs any extra things. You know, just make sure he gets him right and then he goes he's a daddy warbucks it's a bit more than a wallet retrieval but even so this story I should say is cyclist based and every time

I read a cyclist based story I always think oh I bet owls are at this I don't know why I do I always think owls I barely bet Al's read this. I don't know why. I do. I always think Al, yes, I do. I barely even cycle these days, but I do. You know, I consider myself a user of that as a mode of transport. Yeah, I still think of yours. Well, every time, it's funny you should say that,

because every time I read a wallet-based story, I think I bet Al would like this. Oh. Oh, because I'm frugal. I thought you were referring to that time that I told you about when somebody told me that they found wallets disgusting. This was somebody who used a money clip, and I got my wallet out,

which is a big folding thing with receipts spilling out, and they went, oh, my God, that makes me feel sick. That was what they said about my wallet. It was that bad, apparently. Actually... No, that was that spider, wasn't it? Oh, God. Frank... No, that was that spider, wasn't it? Oh, God. Frank saw a wallet this morning.

Only this morning he was looking through the paper. It was advertised, wasn't it? And you were questioning... In one of the tabloids, the Sun, I think, this morning, there's a Liverpool FC wallet for sale, and it gets a whole page, and they've got nothing to show, so there's just a small wallet in the middle of a big page of writing. And I thought, if I wanted a Liverpool FC wallet,

I bet I could walk to any market now. I could go online, there'd be 500 of them. Go to a club shop. I mean, this thing, as if you won't believe what we've got here. A Liverpool FC wallet. It's brown leather, we should say. It's not even red. Not even club colours.

No. And you can barely see the You'll Never Walk Alone logo. No, it's the idea that some people might like quite a subtle one. Even so, not a one-page advert in the tabloids for a Liverpool FC wallet. I mean, what are you talking about? Even when they have like, you know when they have

a plate with Rudyard Kipling on it? You think, well, you know, it's weird, but it's an unusual thing. A Liverpool wallet? It's not when they advertise trousers as if it's a new thing in Saturday

tabloids. Oh, these trousers. It's one into that. Oh, shoes. It said something like fine quality corduroy. I said, well, who measures the quality of corduroy? Do you know what I'd love to do? I think that would be a great challenge to exclusively buy your wardrobe from tabloids. Oh, that would be fun.

That would be good, yeah. And obviously on your money-carrying devices. And plates. Or when someone comes round your house for dinner, they'd be eating off like a Sir Christopher Wren memorial plate. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So this cyclist, he's cycling down, he's looked up, he's cycling down the road.

Tim Cameron. And he's wallet, where do you keep your wallet when you're cycling, Al? Oh, I would keep it either front pocket or in the bag. But do you cycle in Lycra ever? Oh God, no. Okay. That's the problem, I think. I'm guessing this guy's in Lycra.

Oh, I pictured him more as a commuter type. Me too, because it fell out of his poche. Did it not? It fell out of the pocket. I thought it might because there's not much in the way of pocketry. Oh, why did you think he had it? I imagine they have some zip

pocket thing on the sleeve. You know, people run and carry things on their sleeves. Well, it fell off the bike. Yes, and then the chap found it. If this is because cyclists... Are you referring to Simon Byford? I am. Isn't it because cyclists have got butch?

They used to be gentle and bookish, and now they've got butch and muscular because of the Olympic successes. This is a thing you bring up often isn't it that you're dismay at the change of the cyclist and in the old days do you think so?

I'm afraid that's because you know you're in the catchment Well I think there's a whole what is it the cycling community is a broad church I think It's a whole... What is it? The cycling community is a broad church, I think. It's a broad church, but it's had some new people come into it

which didn't used to be around. It's more, I would say, cyclist, I would think Jacob Rees-Mogg. Was it? Was the skinny type going around the quads. I think he's got a penny farthing, if I'm not mistaken. Well, that's what I mean. That's what I used to, would have once associated

was thin and a bit spindly. You see, I think Chris not mistaken. Well, that's what I mean. That's what I used to, would have once associated was thin and a bit spindly. You see, I think Chris Hoy now. Well, now. Muscle, adrenaline. I'm going the rock now. Yeah. But what I'm saying is what the new breed, they won't have the wicker basket anymore.

They eschew the wicker basket on the front. That would have been perfect for the wallet. Yes. So we know why this bro is a victim of his own testosterone. And the dog. The Toto basket. Yeah, the little dog sitting in the front, you know, going through the village. Morning, Mr. Baxter. Morning. All that's gone. Now it's your crossing, a zebra crossing. Strike just missed you.

We should explain what happened. Going to a meeting about platforms. Let's explain what's happened. So he found the wallet and then he had a limited amount of information to return it to its owner, but he knew that they would want it. So he had some bank cards in the left hand. One bank card, Al. That's all he had. Can I ask you a question?

Do we know how much money was in the wallet? I thought I'd be asking that. I don't think there was much. No, all he discovered was a bank card, I believe. So he thought without the bank card he's going to have problems. Yeah. Yeah. I think he was trying to serve him some admin.

Okay. And maybe even a little bit of sentimentality if there was stuff in there. Can I just say at this point I would have taken it straight to the bank. Would you have? I believe I have done that before. Thank you. We're living in a flat. I think I'd have just riffled through it,

taken the notes out and thrown it in a nearby skip. But we're all different. We're all different. I'm enjoying riffled. 8.12.15, I think, on that. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

We're talking about the Good Samaritan. Yes, and 829 has been fabulously relevant because they've texted regarding, my worst thing ever, Good Samaritans. Okay. I always thought good Samaritans. Okay. I always thought a Samaritan was the name for someone who did good deeds.

It's someone from Samaria. Right. Well, apparently Samaritans are a race of people. Yes. Only 600 pure Samaritans left. I think Jesus was making the point that, you know, you like, you don't like, you moan about the foreigners. But here's the story. And you see, you like, you don't like, you moan about the foreigners, but here's the story, and you see you can't judge things like that. You've got to judge individual acts of kindness. Oh, OK.

And so this chap found the wallet of the cyclist... Of Simon Byford. And then to let him know, he had to come up with a way of getting in touch with him. And so... Was it on the... It was just on the road. He found it on the road. Was he a passerby? Yes.

Okay. Good. And so he worked out, oh I could pay him and it will show up on his online banking and so he made four one pence payments and put in a little message. Nice one for you

Al. Yes. I must admit I've never felt older than when I read this part of the story. Why? Because I just didn't understand how you can put money into someone else's account and

leave a message. It's not that you're old, it's that you're a celebrity and you have a personal assistant who does this. Okay, so you'd put money into someone else's account and there's a box for you to put a comment in. Well, it's a reference. It's a ref. So it says, if I was giving, let's say I was giving you money.

Say if you were putting five pounds in my account. Okay. What would you have? If I was paying for 90% of your haircut or something. Yes. I would say... What would be the purpose of the comment box? Well, the things I'd want to say, but let's leave it.

No, so the purpose of the comment is so that it would show up on your online account and it would say, M, haircut. Yeah. Do you see? So you know... She could do that. That's handy, isn't it? Or if...

That's a good idea. What do they think of next? Yeah. Sometimes you might put INV. I do this sometimes. If I'm paying an invoice, I'll put the name of the number of the invoice on there. So I get a lovely idea.

Invoice 163024. And this is for your help, so that when you look at your bank account, you'll know what it's all for. I think you can help both parties. This is the beauty of it as a system. It's brilliant. It's a fabulous mechanic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A fabulous mechanic. It's a real pleasure bringing you into the real world sometimes on this show. Thank you. I mean, that's very clever. You learn so much from us. Wait till we explain to him

that this has been digitally streamed some places. And wait till he finds out VHS is closed down now. So, he placed his deposits in the account. How many characters? 18. Yeah. So that's the only problem. You can't say...

I do have a little problem with how he went about it. Well, I had a problem because leaving one P in someone's account is disgraceful. I would have left four pounds. Yeah, why did he do it four times? Well, because he... He's only got 18 characters. He said, hi, I found your... He's got multiple personality disorder.

He said, hi, I found your... What's the first one? And then the second one, wallet in the road. No, no, no, but hold on. Then the phone number, and then the last one, text or call. Yes, but hold on. I know I represent the past in this conversation. Past times. Very much.

But I have got some sense of this move towards text speak and abbreviation. I could have done this in wallet and my phone number in one hit and wouldn't he have called me thinking someone's found my wallet? I think he probably thought that was too concise and maybe he wouldn't join the dots and phone the number.

Oh, come on, if you'd lost your wallet and someone sent wallet and a phone number, you'd found that number. I still think in the road is ridiculous. Who cares where you found the wallet? Yeah. I mean, you know. I would have started with is ridiculous. Who cares where you found the wallet? Yeah. I mean, you know. I would have started with stop.

Could have saved yourself one pence right there. I would have sent a pound, not one p. It's disgraceful. And I would have said stop. Because then I think, or help. Help, I'm trapped in your computer. No, but help would have got his attention. Like the numbskulls.

Help me! It's like Tron. You definitely look at that. If someone said help me. No, just say wallet, phone number, and you've lost your wallet and you think, oh great, someone's got my wallet. No, I could think, oh that was a wallet I bought as a gift.

Well, what that Liverpool FC won. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Er, I, um... So he got the wallet back? Yes. So I found your wallet in the road, called this number,

so he sent him too many messages for me. I think he could have done it in three pence. I'm thinking one. You reckon? One? I've got to say, wallet phone number. I've got to be honest, though. Having read this, I did also think, I think I cringed a bit at how transactional the the communication was i mean i would have to say hi my name's emily

not an emergency no i would i would say oh you're never going to believe this oh my god i mean i'd end up giving 100 pounds because i'd keep i'd have to extend the story. Well me and my friend, this would be 1972 found a wallet with £80 in it. Wow. All inside was a wage slip that had the person's name and their national

insurance number. And we decided that we simply didn't have enough to go on. So we had £ quid each. Did you? Yeah. I always think that because I couldn't buy material items, although I did buy two deluxe Batman and Superman comic collections,

other than that, I thought we'll have to spend it on drink, otherwise our parents will think, well, where are these objects how old were you by the way 15 that was a lot of money it was yeah i think it might be where i developed my initial drink problem so sure enough honesty probably is the best policy that was your karma tax. Exactly. Beware the found wallet. It's like a civic duty. Confucius said that to me. Man, beware wallet he finds.

I found that 80 quid and then a couple of weeks later I found like 30 quid in a toilet and then I found a tenner in the street all within about six weeks. I really thought oh man, this is what life's going to be like. But... Hashtag blessed. Yeah, exactly.

What year was it when you found that money? It's 1972. 72, yeah. Oh, God. If you'd carried on at that rate for another month or two, you could have bought an N-Terrace probably. The reason I ask is that I've just put that into the inflation calculator. Easier for the alpine man to park up. Well, I've just put that into the inflation calculator. Easier for the alpine man to park up.

Well, I've just put that into the inflation calculator, which is something I like to use. And can I tell you what that would have been worth now? 80 quid then. 90 quid. 1,036 pounds. What? Yes.

So you and your friends spent you spent 500 pounds on comics. Shame on you. My drink spent, you spent £500 on comics. Shame on you. One drink. Well, mainly drink. Two comics. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you know. A grand. Look, it was tremendous experience. I mean, I don't want to diss it in any way. It was brilliant. You know, and obviously now, since I found a purse with 35 quid in years later and I took that to the police station

and they said if it's not claimed in, I think, six weeks, you get it back. And I went past six weeks later and there it was. The woman hadn't claimed it. So I had to say a woman. Forgive me for stereotyping. So I got that 35 quid, honestly, and that didn't do me no long-term harm.

Again. Except for your reputation. Yeah, exactly. Do you know, I still use this purse. Everton FC is the logo. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've just had a text. We've been discussing this found wallet

returned by the Good Samaritan, which, if I may say, has spun off into a found wallet conversation. OK. You found wallet and shared 80 quid, didn't you? I did. You said that in a very me-tarzan way. You found wallet, me-Jane.

I sound like an accusatory policeman. Hi, Frank and team. 40 years ago, at the tender age of 17, me and my mate found a wallet containing over £100. It had a name and address inside, so we did the right thing and returned it to its rightful owner, who rewarded us with the grand sum of £1 each. Now coming up to 57, I have always, since that moment,

followed the unethical and marginally criminal road in my life and I'm now an extremely successful businessman. Lesson for your readers there. Many thanks. Anonymous for obvious reasons. Ah, Branson. We've also, we should say, we were referring earlier to the Liverpool FC wallet, Frank, that we saw this morning in one of the tabloids.

We refer to it as the Sun. Our readers, they don't miss a trick, our readers, M.K. Knight, Ducati Pie and others have all tweeted us to suggest that it's somewhat inappropriate that a Liverpool fan would be buying anything from the Sun. Yes, it would be very bad marketing to put your Liverpool merch in the Sun. So, no, it is in the mirror. So there you are. Thank you readers for being on the ball as ever.

If you want one of these leather wallets for the Liverpool Badger, and there are two large compartments, five credit card slots, two slip pockets and an ID window. And I'd say one of the things about things sold in papers, if you name the most basic elements of any one of these things as if they're extras. elements of any one of these things as if they're extras. Trouser's thing

says like, two pockets. We'll take hands. Big enough for your hands. Do you think they also add and a free little packet of silica gel? Yes. Complementary silica gel.

Small extra leather tab that says made with genuine leather. How much do you think the wallet is? Oh, I love questions like this. Alan, you go first. I usually go ludicrous, but I'm not going to do that. Oh, I love his wrapping work. Normally when people say, how much do you think something is,

I say £800. Exactly. But I'm not going to do that. I'm going to go £16.99. Okay. My turn? Yeah. Oh, I'm a bit nervous.

Hello, first time caller, Frank. I'm going to say £21.50. Well, it's £59.98. For a wallet? Oh, ow. Plus, you'll have nothing to put in it once you bought it. I think that's going to be a suitcase. But then it says 699, and then it says,

shipping and service, offer applies to UK only. What are you doing, Manchester Ship Canal? Where are you shipping it within the UK? So, you're, it's basically, the UK so you're basically you're getting on for what's that going to cost you what was the original price 51 did you say

59.70 notes maybe if they win the championship the premiership rather if they win the premiership there may be that could be your big splash

out thing I want it made out of Jürgen's old teeth for that for that price yes but still

there it is I think we've done a nice advert for it yeah haven't we yeah it said can I ask you

one other thing before we go out sure it says that it has RFID blocking technology which protects against electronic theft.

Oh, right. So maybe that's where the money comes from, just trying to be fair. Okay. Okay. And thanks for listening to us and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out! This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. we'll be back again this time next week now get out