The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - The Wifi

Episode Date: January 31, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team start the show with a guessing game, Frank gives a Birthday present update and reveals a request from a Neighbour. Also this week the team discuss Kim Sears' potty mouth and Taylor Swift's trademarking.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Margaret. Um, Radio website. Margaret. Um, not Margaret.

Elizabeth. No. Pauline. No. June. No. Teresa. No.

Sorry, we're just trying to guess Alan's mum's name. It's a bit of fun. Bit of fun. Anyone want to text in any... That's why I'm doing an accent like Taggart. We know she's Scottish, but, I mean, and a maiden name. Can I say a maiden name? Is that allowed?

Yeah, if you want. She wasn't involved in any international crime syndicates. I don't think so. Lafferty. So it's got to go with Lafferty. But it won't be like Lulu Lafferty. No, she doesn't work in a sleazy club. It's not illiterate.

McLafferty? McLafferty. McLafferty was the theatre cat, wasn't it? Jeanette. Is that true? Anyway, maybe we should come back to it off air. Is it definitely not Jeanette? It's definitely not Jeanette. I think he'll know his own mother's name.

You say that. Morag. Morag. Wow. Now I'm sweating up. I'm operating a boiler here that keeps the whole studio going. I've got it. Go on. Wendy. No, I'm sweating up. I'm operating a boiler here that keeps the whole studio going. I've got it. Go on.

Wendy. No. Wendy. Wendy Red Red Robin. Okay, stop it now. Otherwise I'll get obsessed again and just guess. Yeah, so here we are this morning. I have a slightly coldy voice.

Yeah. But I think it's going to be all right. I hadn't noticed that until we were on the radio. No. Almost as if I'm just putting it on. Yeah, I have Lem Sip at my right hand and Daisy at my left hand. You remind me of that guy I worked with once who rung in and said, I won't come into the office today.

And I said, oh, I'm sorry. He goes, I hurt my leg. I said, what was happening to your voice? Oh, we got mixed up, didn't we? Oh, dear. Which lie did I tell? I think people have tuned in and thought it was Charlotte Green, the voice of radio.

But no, it's me. It is me. And it was, um, I'm an older and wiser man than I was last year. Oh, yeah. Because I had a birthday on Wednesday. You did? And, um, got some lovely presents birthday on Wednesday. You did? And got some lovely presents and all that. It's very nice.

Tell them about your gift this morning from us. Yes, I got a lovely 11th Doctor theme. I did have a mechanism resolution. I wasn't going to talk about Doctor Who on the show anymore. Nevertheless, I got an 11th Doctor themed dressing gown. So it was sort of tweed

like the jacket what Matt Smith wore. Yeah. With the elbow pads and everything. They didn't go for a dick. I thought they might have tried to blend it into the trousers as it got to trouser level. But they just continued the tweed. And it looks like the fabric would be very safe around open fires, doesn't it?

No, probably not. But it's very... There's more tweed than there was on the 11th Doctor. The tweed has burst its banks. Now, what if someone's just tuned in in Scotland, thinking, oh, no, I'll have to reroute. Maybe I'll stop at Molly Cochran's house. Laughity.

Neil Laughity. Neil Laughity means she doesn't laugh much. In Scotland. There'll be Neil Lafferty in there. What about the sonic screwdriver in the pocket? Yes, there's a stitched-in sonic screwdriver. That's it, it's all gone wrong. Yeah, so thank you all for that,

and I shall wear it against my naked flesh. Good to know. Ooh. Yeah, I had a strange drive-in this morning. We stopped. There was a man who was crossing the zebra crossing on a motorbike. No. Yeah, so he sat at one end of the crossing on a motorbike. No. Yeah, so he sat at one end of the crossing on a

motorbike and then went across. I thought he's got completely confused. He seems a rather timid character. That's... I mean, there's so many different contraventions of the highway code. Is it? Can you not officially cross a zebra crossing with a... What do you get if you cross

a zebra crossing with a motorbike? A stripy Honda. No. I like the way you always clasp an imaginary cigarette. If you do that voice, you have to clasp an imaginary... Yeah, and then... I'm not making these the things that just happened to me this morning on the way in. So that, I thought, that's odd.

I've never seen a man cross a zebra crossing on a motorbike. Or indeed a woman. And then we were driving along and the driver suddenly drives right into the gutter and slows down. And I thought, oh, ambulance. Clearly it's an ambulance. A patisserie van overtook us. What it was like? Emergency croissants.

Yeah, like the pastry must get through. But there was no lights or anything. It's just, I wondered if this guy worked in the, worked there maybe when he was back in the old country. I think it's, he normally is a Rick Waller's driver. Yeah, maybe Rick Waller's emergency. Get 24 fairy cakes to Rick Waller who's collapsed in Regent's Park. It is 2015, isn't it?

Yeah. It's my Rick Waller joke. Because he's still in that chair, isn't he? Yeah, he is. We need another fat person in public life. You can't do her. Don't give me that. Don't mouth that to me.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. that to me. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Frank, rather surreally, our texting this morning appears to be, what is Alan's mother's name? Well, it was never meant to become a texting, but these things happen. Alison Powell has guessed... No. Won't be that. That's not it. Well, hyphenated. I'm sorry. No, she's one of our readers. Okay. She's guessed Bridget. No. Oh, Bridget Lafferty, I can see where she's one of our readers she's guest Bridget Bridget Lafferty I can see where she's coming from sorry Al we've also had a text from Neil in Penge

saying morning chaps is it Joan no but I had a granny Joan well we're not just doing all the women in your family what do we think half a point anyway let's keep going. Well, actually, we've had an email. Can I just say that?

I seem to remember that we had had a conversation previously in which I was talking about a song with a lady's name in it. So I'm wondering now if that's what triggered Alan mentioning his mum's name. If she's called something like Layla. No, she doesn't strike me as a Layla. If you can imagine Ding-a-ling-a-ling on the bagpipes. She's sounding very Scottish for a woman that's lived in England so much time.

I find they get more Scottish when they leave Scotland. Well, her catchphrase, we know, is, so that's that. So that's that. So that's a little clue for you there. Yeah. I don't know if it's a clue, but it's an insight into her character. Yeah. So I got some nice stuff.

Now we're on the Doctor Who theme. big one. So I got some nice stuff. Now we're on the Doctor Who theme. Kath bought me a Doctor I think they might be called play sets. What do you mean a play set? You build. How old are you? You build a set for

action figures. That's the idea. So when I got up there was cake and flowers and loveliness, and there was also, on the coffee table, a scene of London being invaded by Dalek spaceships. That was so happy. And she said, one thing with that, it wasn't until the last minute I saw the thing on the box,

figures not included. So it was this desolate, deserted space for action figures with no action figures in it. There was even a hover boat, which is this thing, a platform that Daleks go to fly on. No Dalek on it. Just look at it like an abandoned vehicle. Like some drunken Dalek stall in it and joyride in and then just left it in a side street

you want to do a mash up we used to do that when we were younger and we didn't have the figure so then you'd have that's why Henry VIII and Nelson ended up playing games like Daisy and Barbie games oh I see I've got geese from Merlin and I've got the Roger delgado master so i could

bring those out it'd be a bit like um what was that derrick jacoby uh ian mckellen sitcom called oh yes i like that you're looking at me and not alan well i'm looking at you because i bought you the box okay um but i could see those two playing those parts anyway so that was um rather splendid it is it's like when people buying something that needs you have to add to reminded me when people used to buy pew to tankards oh yes it's the most male gift yeah i'd like to know if this still happens but you used to go into pubs where blokes would have their pewter tankers. They'd taken them in and they'd be on a hook behind the bar.

And when they'd gone in, instead of having a glass, they'd get their beer in their own pewter tanker. That could be another texting. That couldn't happen now, could it? Because you couldn't fit, like, a piece of lime. You couldn't get a piece of lime to wedge in the top of one. 285, Heathcliff. No, her name is not Heathcliff.

And other sentences I didn't think I'd have to say today. Yeah, it's not actually a song called Heathcliff, though, is there? Yeah, well, it features in a Kate Bush song. It features, it features. But I think it'd be something like Eloise, say. Do you remember that song? Oh. It's been a tough morning so far.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 194 has guessed, Hi all, is it Veronica? That's from Rick and Vic in the van. Great song. No, it's not Veronica. Go on. For people just tuning in, we're trying to guess what my mum's first name is.

Well, you're not. Well, you say that. We have no proof that he actually knows. I think we've got a winner, haven't we? We do have a winner. Emily Dean, are you going to reveal the winner? Emily Dean. 740, a.k.a. Ian Angle, who's actually one of our regulars, in a strange twist of fate,

has texted in to say, it's Irene, he says very confidently. I play tennis with Martin and Jeanette, his mum's friend. I can't think of a punchline, though. Rarely for Ian Angel Angle. So he plays tennis with your mums. I don't know why I picked you on mum, you've sold her as some, you know. My mum doesn't play tennis. You've sold her as someone who might take after you with half a wine

bottle if you cross that. Now she has friends down at the tennis club. That's all gone a bit Jackie O in the Hamptons. Irene. So it is from a song. What, Hoddy Ledbetter's Goodnight Irene? Oh, I thought you meant Come On Eileen, which is nearly the same, but not quite. Racist. I think it might have been close. No, I think...

Do you know Goodnight Irene? No, I don't. Irene, goodnight, Irene, Irene, goodnight night that's it basically still don't know sometimes I live in the country sometimes I live in the town sometimes I take a great notion to jump in the river and drown what a depressing song okay that's an's an official statement from the palace this morning. Cheery. We actually had an email in yesterday. I sometimes just scroll through and see what's happened yesterday.

You're like a Friday nighter, don't you? I do, yeah, I don't mind that. Good on you. And you know last week you were discussing your snowman showers, where you sort of soak up. Yeah, in case you didn't hear last week, what I do, now accidentally I've discovered this, I turn the water on in the shower, I get wet,

then I turn the water off, I soap up, unhindered by the trajectory of pouring water, till I'm completely white with soap, then I turn the water back on and wash it off. It saves water, it's quieter, and you get yourself a proper... Quieter? Yeah. It's quieter.

And it's a lovely, soul-enriching experience. And it's a proper good soaping. Well, it's interesting that you say it saves water, because we've had an email saying, Snowman showers. Frank, Emily and Alan, re-Frank's water-saving snowman showers. When out on our narrow boat, we often use this method to keep water consumption low. Respect. He sounds a lot.

Wow. Wow. After three and a half minutes, barged in the bathroom to turn off the shower, telling them that time was up. I'm sure Alan will like this money-saving tip. Although don't try it on a woman because you can't interfere with hair washing and leg shaving. Good tip. Elaine, 713. You've revealed too much now. Me? No, she has my collection.

I really feel like I've accidentally stumbled into a secret world of the snowman shower. That's good. I thought no one's ever done this before, but it turns out there was bunches of us down there. It's like when people get an illness and think I'm the only person in the world who has this phobia, for example. And then you go on the internet and find a society and you can speak to like-minded people. That's nice, isn't it? And to be fair, you're not the first comic to think no one's ever done this before. No.

True. Pasquale, done this before. No. True. Pasquale, he... No. No. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I got some Wellington boots this week. Did you?

You know what? I'm not convinced I've ever owned a pair. I suppose as a child I must have done. And I thought you had everything. Yeah. I really did. It's the thing, it was the one thing left. And Kath bought me a pair. And also they're, what are they called?

Hunter. Hunter Wellies. Stop it they're, what are they called? Hunter. Hunter Wellings. Stop it. Yeah. They've got hunters. They're the best, aren't they? I can't even. Yes.

Have you any idea how fashion forward they are? Oh, they're really? Yes, I've got some. Well, I see the occasional young Japanese woman in Wellingtons about, when she doesn't need Wellingtons. Yeah. So I had a sense that they'd moved up a notch on the fashion front. Jimmy Choo did a collab with them. Did he?

That's collaboration. I don't say did he, like he's a man who did something. No, that's what I thought, did he? No, no. Did you? Cam Dodd just went past outside. I was just waving. What colour are they, Frank?

Black. Black as midnight on a moonless night. Is that what it says on the box? No, it's something that the policeman in Twin Peaks said when they asked him how he liked his coffee. I've got a pair in baby pink. We should go on a ramble. Yes, black and pink, Elvis's favourite colours.

Is that right? Ladies and gentlemen. A lot of added information in this link isn't it great isn't it great having um having i i see i've in recent times as i've as i've aged i've started to favor a slip-on it's much easier yeah but well i've realized now i'm Yeah, but a well, I've realised now, I'm, I've half a mind to try jumping into them. I honestly think I could do that, but I need to get it videoed, don't I? Yeah.

Because if I'm going to jump into them, then that needs to be on YouTube, really. You save a lot of time, Frank, as well. Jumping in? Yeah. Could one jump out, do you think? Yeah, well, just, I just... Have you got sweaty enough I'm thinking of maybe one of those You know those chin-up bars you can now fit in

Do I ever In and out of the wellies in that That'd be great You'd be like Wallace and Gromit or something Well I don't know, I have a problem if I buy Lace-up shoes from shops I don't know who laces up the shops in shoes, but they don't seem to be laced up

with an idea of anyone ever putting them on. Yeah. They don't... They're the most bizarre sort of... One tiny, tiny bit of lace an inch long and then one eight inches long and tightly like some... Like one imagines a geisha's shoes are done when they

when they're trying to turn their feet into into like um snooker qns when they're children i'm a huge fan of uh slip-ons minicab i'm a huge fan of the old geisha culture yeah no not really what about that neighbor frank used to have, and he used to knock on the door and say, can you tie my shoes up for me? Did he? Older guy. Did you hear that? Yeah. And I eventually said, just buy loafers, and I shut the door. He used to, honestly, he asked me about three times,

can you do my shoes up for me? But did you do it a few times? Once. OK. I was young. I didn't know any better. What do you think? Do you think that's something odd? Is that a fetish? What would happen if he'd been murdered? Is it?

If he'd been murdered that day? The police would have seen that knot and they'd have assumed he'd been murdered with no shoes on and that someone had put his shoes on afterwards because the knot would have been upside down. Because if you're knotting them from his side, they're knots the other way around. I got that from a Colombo episode.

It's up to date. Yeah, you can see these things, they're seen as light entertainment, popular culture, but there's always stuff to be cleaned. Definitely. Always stuff to be cleaned. Remember that, kids. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in from Emily Dean's ex-neighbour. It just says, I've got concrete legs, for goodness sake. I didn't know, I've never heard of concrete. It's inflexible. We've also had a text from 426 saying, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, hearing Frank talking about how shoe shops do the laces on new shoes

reminded me that I've missed my train to work twice this week as a result of the time it has taken me to figure out how to do the laces on my new shoes. This weekend, relacing my new shoes is top of my to-do list. Yes. That is all. Shoot and get people in shops who... See, what they do, it's because it's like you and the neighbour.

They're not wearing them when they're doing them, so they're not thinking forward to the neighbour. They're not wearing them when they're doing them, so they're not thinking forward to the user. They're not user-friendly. They're not user-friendly. So that's the bottom line. Here's the thing. I've got a new neighbour, seems a nice chap, who came round this week and said,

you know the old traditional cup of sugar? Oh, yeah. Yes, you come and borrow, yeah. Of course, you don't get that anymore. What is it these days? Perhaps that's what that patisserie van was. Emergency cups of sugar delivery. Maybe, yeah.

He said, could you tell me your Wi-Fi password? Cheeky. Because my Wi-Fi hasn't been pulling yet, so we don't have any. And I said, yeah, that's fine. So I gave him my Wi-Fi password. Oh, that's the thin end of the wedge. Did I do a bad thing? I'm not sure if I would have done that, but...

Well, I had a friend come round and he said, what's the new neighbours like? I said, they seem all right. They came round today, blah, blah. I said, oh, you'll be able to hack all your emails and now look at your internet history. That's what he said to me. So, all right, now I'm on the back foot.

Oh, dear. I just think the problem with this, you haven't really thought it through, like, a lot of things, because... No, hear me out. What's going to happen now, Frank, is that... Where's his incentive to purchase his own Wi-Fi now? No, but he told me he'd already purchased his Wi-Fi. Oh, he told you he'd already purchased. But it's been delayed. Oh, yeah, the checks in the post.

We all know that one. He's never going to buy Wi-Fi. It won't cost me any more, though, will it? What if he's doing illegal downloads into the night? And then you get prosecuted. It's not based on Wi-Fi, is it? You go down. Well, it's as well I've established what happened early on.

On air. Is this whole show an alibi for you? Yeah, this is- I've created an alibi. You don't know what he's gonna be watching. Well, that's not my business. I don't- maybe I can- I know he's- I know he's, um, I know he's Wi-Fi and password, maybe I can hack him. Your neighbour is David Baddiel.

It's not him, is it? No, no. He's a Russian guy. Bald head. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So this character, your neighbour, when does the old Wi-Fi...

I mean, does he give you a date? I think he said, like, on the big switch on. I think he said mid-week or something like that. Mid-week, my eye. God, I was worried about that. I'm sure it'll be, honestly, you're making me, I'm just trying to be a good neighbour, the good Samaritan. Nice, yeah. I didn't feel any pressure, you know, I can say no, I'm just trying to be a good neighbour. The good Samaritan. Nice. I didn't feel any pressure.

I can say no, I'm a Catholic. He's got your Wi-Fi password and you've got his address. It's fine, it'll be fine. There's mutually assured destruction, isn't there? It's fine, nothing bad's going to happen. The thing is, I'd give it a week and then I'm afraid passwords are going to have to be changed. Oh, come on. Come on. That's the way out. That's a polite, passive-aggressive

way out. That's a good idea. That's what I'd do. That's crazy. Imagine him going to log on to watch his movies. And what about it? And the password down, he gets the padlock. Oh, the padlock of shame. Access denied. Access denied. Straight round. That one on earth. It'd be good if you were computer

savvy enough to make it say... when he tried to log in. Honestly, I think you're overreacting. It'll be fine. Although, why he asked for my bank details... That's right. That bit I didn't understand. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text us on 8-12-15. Come on. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Hey. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Yowza. Horrible. A little bit of...

Pick a bit more radio, I thought. Should we go a bit more trendy? Imagine if we went trendy, Frank. That'd be awful. That's not going to happen. You did mention that your neighbour has borrowed your Wi-Fi code. I'm not sure if this is closure. Can I make it clear? I'm fine with it.

It's you guys who think he's now an international... Yeah, but you did mention that it's sort of the modern version of popping around for a cup of sugar. Indeed. Morning all, on the neighbour borrowing front, this is a text in from 768. On the neighbour borrowing front, a bloke moved in next door and asked to borrow a few tools. No prob, let's get off to a friendly start, I thought. I'm not sure if I like no prob, but anyway, let's get back to it.

A week later, he said, if you want the tools back, just ask. I said, if you've finished with them, don't you think you should return them? He took major umbrage and never spoke to me for four years, eventually moving elsewhere. Tools were returned, in brackets. Yeah, but when? After four years? Doesn't say. Oh, can you imagine the way the tools were returned as well?

I would have left them in a passive-aggressive pile. He found the scythe in the back of his house. It's... I think that's fair enough. I don't think you should have to ask for them back. No. No. But the thing is about Wi-Fi, it doesn't really exist as such. Good point.

I borrowed a wine glass from my neighbour once. Still got it. Brilliant. Are they still there? I've moved. Twice since then. Hope got it. Brilliant. Are they still there? I've moved. Twice since then. Hope it chokes you. We have a neighbour that pops round to use the printer.

This is the modern world. Oh, that old line. Gotta pop round and print something off. I think William Caxton said that. I think it's in the Oxford Book of Quotations. Does the neighbour actually use the printer? Yeah, she comes round. Oh, she, here we go. Comes Yeah. She comes round. Oh, she. Here we go.

Comes round and does some printing. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And there's the toner. You know what I'm saying? Eh? Eh? Eh? Um, okay.

What's the difference? Does she bring her own paper? No. Well. Come on. Tell me about it. Tell me. Me into moggins. It's not as... Picking on moggins here. Mog? No. Well. Come on. Tell me about it. Tell me about me into moggins.

It's not as... Picking on moggins here. Moggins here. Yeah. It's not as potentially... Violating. Yeah. Well, do you watch it actually using the printer? Do you leave her alone in the room? What do you think she's doing with it? Leave her in the office. She could be going through all the receipts. Leave her in the office. She's probably doing a stand-up show now, talking about domestic items. Where's poor old Mrs. Cockrell when all this is going on? That's my shtick. I discuss domestic items, yeah. I was listening to you on the radio this week, talking about your kitchen. Oh, right.

Yes. Where's poor old Mrs. Cockrell and all these shenanigans, printing shenanigans? Shenanigan, I think, was his mum's maiden name. She's in the house. Sheila Shenanigan. Sheila Shenanigan wouldn't be a bad name, stage name. No, it'd be alright, yeah. Is that the text in? What's Alan's mum's name?

She could be called Sheila Nanigan, and they call her She, for short. Okay. What do your neighbours pop round to borrow? That's another good text in. We could have that. What's the oddest thing you've loaned or loaned from your neighbours? Wi-Fi. I like the idea that Wi-Fi doesn't exist. Basically, he came round to borrow an abstract concept.

I mean, that is interesting. Well, I wish you good luck with that scenario. Thank you very much I'll keep you posted if I have any interest he'll probably keep you posted as well he'll know about it Skinner, Dean

and Cochran together the Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio I'll tell you who I'd like to discuss, because we haven't mentioned it yet. And I know old Ma Murray is almost a friend of the show. Oh, yeah, not enough. What about the daughter-in-law-to-be, Kim Sears? Kim Swears, more like.

Yeah, I bet they say that in the Caribbean, Kim Swears. She got a little bit excited at the Australian Open, haven't we all? And she got a bit of a cob on, haven't we all? A cobber on. She used, well... We don't know exactly what she said, do we? This is the one.

I've watched it a lot. I've watched it a lot. If I had to put money on it, I would say that she said, fear not, there's a shelf underneath five windows. Which makes me think she was just chewing over a cryptic crossword. Yeah. Clue.

You could have probably helped her, man. Yeah. But the suggestions that she was using words from the dark side. Foul and abusive language. And called Andy's opponent a flash check something or other. Yes. Yeah, but I have to

say, she has never looked hotter than during that swear. Oh, that's worth remembering. Really? Totally agree. Totally. Oh, is that what we have to do, Daisy? She's never been cool. Now she's cool. Swearing is cool, factually.

Everyone knows that. I have to say, still, even now in 2015, still something a little bit exciting about women swearing. Oh. There is. It still feels just a little bit wrong. I'm absolutely on board here. Yeah.

Especially a nice, brought-up... Yeah. Yeah. Especially a nice brought-up... Yeah. She's a nice brought-up girl, and suddenly you saw the smouldering siren that must have drawn Andy in all those years ago. She's a wailing banshee underneath. In fairness, then, you must be permanently red-hot, Frank, because your partner, Cathy, swears more than anyone I've ever met in my life.

She swears less now we have a child, because I keep saying, ah, ah, ah, and all that sort of stuff, so, yeah. But, um, she just looked, Kim's thing, as I always thought, was a bit straight. Yeah. I think they have, um, do they have Highland Terriers or something? Yeah, something like that. I think they have about 12 Highland Terriers. Oh, surely not. I think it's between 12 Highland Terriers. Oh, surely not. I think it's between eight and twelve.

And that made me think they were, you know, but... Maybe she wasn't swearing at all. She was just trying to spit out dog hair. Yeah, maybe. Just lip-reading what it looked like. But she looked really yetchy on that, wasn't she? She was serious. She used her have that or having that.

She went Delia. Yeah, you having that. She said something like, have that,. She went Delia. Yeah, you having that. She said something like have that, didn't she? Let's be having you. Yeah. And somewhat of a role reversal from the typical cliche of the woman holding the man back. I like the fact that for those people that haven't seen the clip,

Andy Murray says, leave it, Kim, he isn't worth it. And sort of pulls her back on her shoulder. No, he doesn't. But it's fun. Brilliant. There was a bit of a twag off, because they're not wags, they're twags, aren't they? Oh, I know. It's wives and girlfriends, yeah.

And there was a suggestion that, I believe her name's Esther, the other twag, at one point they had a split screen at the open and they showed pictures of both of the girls and she swore again at that. She didn't like that she was being compared to her. One engagement ring worth £250,000 and one worth £225,000.

Ouchy. Just saying. I mean, what's the difference? Wouldn't it be great if you were a close-up magician went in there pretending to be a peripatetic jeweller. You got them to take those rings then you locked them together so they couldn't separate them.

What a prank that would be. That would be. You see, I find that with the magicians. They're not prepared to go any extra mile. No, they don't do enough stuff at the Australian Open where they pick two people. They neglect the friends and families box. What about that prank?

I think I saw Ali Bongo, Queens, once. But that's the only example I can think of. You get sued for saying stuff like that. It's a lovely club, though. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

So we've established that if you're female, it's quite alluring to swear. Well, I'm just saying in the case of Kim Sears, I think because her persona is quite keen. So it wouldn't work for me, is what you're saying. She'd make a nice girl. Well, I think I have heard you swear. Yes.

If I wrap my brains, I think I can recall that. I think it's partly that she hasn't sworn publicly yet. Maybe she's a big swearer all the time, and this is just the one moment that it's come into the public domain, as it were, which I also find great. I think that's brilliant. I think, I don't know if you guys have this, but when I hang around with somebody who's a big swearer, it's a bit infectious.

Do you find yourself swearing more when you're with a swearing person? Like, if I watch an episode of The Thick of It, I can't quite trust myself around the children. Do you know what I mean? Oh, OK. And maybe Andy Murray is more Scottish than we realise, and he just turns the air blue, and that's actually why we all think that his interviews are a bit boring

because he's trying desperately not to swear. It's like I start sounding more Birmingham around Frank. Yes. I do. If I see it, because that's, you know, when I'll say, do they? Someone notices that. Yeah.

I mean, that was so Birmingham. It is. That's so Birmingham. I love that show. I think that, I don't, See, I thought that Kim's... If what they think she said is what she said, she sounded like someone who was new to swearing and still enjoying the whole process of,

I'll say it and I'll say, oh, I had another one. And then, oh, maybe put another one in at the end of the sentence. It really felt like she couldn't, like as a kid with a new toy with her swearing. So I think she might have just started swearing at this event. Also... Probably suggested by Maresmo. Yeah, maybe.

It'd be good if maybe your girlfriend could swear more. I think also good. Is that the coach? Yeah. Who's the one who she came out with all these expletives and he just nodded afterwards? Oh, I don't know. I think that was the coach, yeah. Brilliant. I don't think Marmario

will be pleased though, Frank. Well, she's in disgrace after Strictly. She'll be fine with it, won't she? Drag the family name to the mire. I feel like she says the mire, the merrier. That's what she says. She said that to Eileen Lafferty. I like the fact that it's tennis

as well. Tennis is improved with a bit of swearing because it is quite genteel with them all in their white t-shirts. I'll tell you what they are a bit. They have gone a bit through the sports psychology ceiling, the tennis players. When you hear them interviewed, it's all about, you know, my focus and all that.

Massively improved by a bit of swearing though, isn't it? You like it when footballers smoke Benson and Hedges and things, didn't you? You're from that era. Well, I am from that era. I wouldn't recommend that anyone smoked, nor indeed would Absolute Radio as an official body. Although I think Tim Hedman was on the list of sportsmen that smoked. Come on, Tim!

Blast from the past. That's what I used to say when he lit up. Come on, Tim. You can draw deeper than that. Oh, yeah, he needed encouragement, Tim. John Terry, he smoked. John Jensen, smoker. John Terry, of course, swore as well. He was quite a swearer, wasn't he? I didn't know Henman smoked, but that's... I'll be honest, that's knocked me back on my heels again. No wonder Henman's ill. Oh. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live

every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've had an email in from Greg and I have to say... From Greg's? No, just from Greg. and I have to say... From Greg's? No, just from Greg. Oh, that's a... I think I've found my soulmate.

OK. Because he says, Dear Frank, Emily and Cockrell, I've been meaning to contact you for quite some time to pass on to you a sharing technique, but never got round to doing it. I think he might mean showering. I think it's an autocorrect, isn't it?

I think it might be. You're so forgiving. So imagine my delight when Frank told us about the delights of soaping without a water flow. I hope I can now offer you and your readers even more great shower techniques. My guilty pleasure is to sit down in the shower. I don't mean in those specially adapted showers, but rather just sitting on the floor, legs crossed and eyes closed. It works best...

It's a bit birdie. Do you remember that film, Birdy? It's like a bloke, tortured man. Oh, no. Huddled on a... yeah. It works best if you have the directly overhead shower. I believe it's called Monsoon. Oh. Just sit there for a couple of minutes in full float and I can guarantee an amazing spiritual experience. I've now tried it, combining it with Frank's soaping tip, and it's even better.

Please give it a try. You'll never go back to normal bog-standard showering. Now, Greg, this is how I shower. I've never showered and not sat down. Really? Mm. Wow. What I do is, I'll talk you through it.

What you need is one of those anti-slip mats. Yeah. I just love it. I get tired standing up. How long are you in there? 25 minutes. What? The wasted water. Oh my God. We need that man from the narrow

boat. Yes. 20 minutes maybe. I went to Graceland and you're not allowed to go upstairs. You weren't then. You weren't allowed to go into the bathroom because that's where Elvis died. But I read a book saying that um there was a a black vinyl armchair with quite a bit of sort of mold on it in elvis's shower that he used to sit on i always thought that was a

strange king canute type thing with the Elvis sitting in a... I mean, not even leather. It's like leather look armchair in the shower. Waterproof leather look. Well, I don't know if it was strictly waterproof. They said it had a bit of, you know... But showering is meant to be relaxing. Why would you stand?

Standing's horrible. Because I want... You want everything to run off. That's the point, I think. Look, I'm open. I think. Look, I'm open. I think I've established I'm open to any new sharing techniques. I'm going to try sitting down. So is Alan, especially when a bit of printing's got to be done.

I squat sometimes. Oh, come on. That's horrible. No, it's good for you. It's good for you. It's good for your stretching of your gluteus maximus. I don't know if you've ever been to... I crouched down. There's a lot of you though. Have you ever been to the Far East?

I found that in Korea and Japan, you'd see like very old women waiting for the boss, squatting down on their anchors, as they say. That we should all be doing more. Old women in Britain couldn't have... If they'd gone down there, they'd never have come back. Absolutely.

But, yeah, it's amazing. That's what I'm practising. Sometimes I give myself... I used one of them to tie a shoelace. One foot on a shoulder. It's completely sturdy. No wobble or nothing. Yeah, they're static, aren't they? Amazing.

Yeah, I do that for 30 seconds or a minute. I mean, I wouldn't sit on the floor for two minutes. Why would you bother? It'd take me ages to get back up. And then you go and wash the bit that was against the floor. Like the back of a minute. I mean, I wouldn't sit on the floor for two minutes. Why would you bother? It'd take me ages to get back up. And then you go and wash the bit that was against the floor, like the back of a fridge. You're so revolting sometimes. 358, Frank. My neighbour borrows our cooker. It's an Arga, so it's always on. She used to walk our dogs, paid, of course. So when she was out on the walk, I like out on the the walk like being out on the lash

her sausages would go in the oven it was always difficult for me because i'd come home to the wonderful smell of cooking but it wasn't my dinner just an empty house with the smell of a sausage think of the poor dogs they've come back from a long walk and smell of sausages in the house to drive them absolutely insane that's steve in seven oaks we we should say. Yes, that's good. Do you think that still goes on, that? Or is that something that used to happen in Steve's house? I don't know. See, all these things, neighbours might listen to this

and we could be changing the world as we go on. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I sound so sexy on that. Great vocals, really great vocals. Beautiful, beautiful. I have an email here.

It's quite a chunky one, so bear with me. Hello. Listen to an old podcast and you were discussing brief appearances on TV. And I feel I had a role that Steve Hall and maybe even Alan would be envious of. While travelling through India

with my two friends, we were stopped and asked if we would like to be extras in India's very famous and very popular Jhansi Kirani. How do you think I did there? That sounded alright, didn't it? Well, it sounds all right to us. OK, fair enough. The Indians are going,

Ouch! After a very confusing day of standing around in full costume, we eventually appeared as English soldiers, where our role was to guard a cake, but our job was made harder by the fact that our chai tea was supposedly spiked with laxatives. Having never done any form of acting, it was a very interesting experience.

When we returned to England, we managed to track down our very own episode and felt like true celebrities. And they did indeed send a link. Thought I'd share this story as it still amuses me to watch it back two years on from my acting debut. Thanks, Elliot. I've watched that and it's good.

You've watched it? Yeah, I've watched the link and it's good. It's quite complicated acting, Elliot. I've watched that, and it's good. You've watched it? Yeah, I've watched The Link, and it's good. It's quite complicated acting, that, guarding a cake and... And pretending you've taken lactatives. I'm not going to lie, I haven't. I was too busy watching That's So Birmingham on Catch-Up. No, I haven't, but I'm going to watch it now. I'm always looking for tips.

I think it's... I mean, you know yourself as a screen actor. Oh, God, yeah. As a screen actor? No, before Doctor Who, you were sort of mainly a theatre actor. You'd done theatre acting. I've been a screen actor, haven't you? You've been a screen actor. Where's my Apache scarf? Do you remember that was Apache scarf that you used to wear in the 70s, like a silk scarf with a brass ring on the woggle? I remember them, we've got about 170 at our house left over from dinner parties. I should hope so.

Can I ask you a question? I hope this doesn't embarrass you. Do you consider yourself an actor now? I can't consider yourself. Well, I think it's in the list but it's not too near. I thought you were going to say it's in the bones or something.

It's not right near the front. OK. Is it after...? Whenever I get a form and I have to put in occupation, like I recently enlisted at my local doctor's surgery, you have to put... I almost write entertainer. You don't? I do. Oh, my God.

Is that bad? It's just quite end of peer. I quite like it. Yeah, what else am I going to put? But not... No, I like to think actor is on the list, but it's down there. It's about fourth down.

I'm acting this week. I'm going to be acting all week. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the Inland Revenue are interviewing me. You know where I think it is, actor, on your CV? Where, go on. It's somewhere between blogger and internet provider. Yeah, I think blogger.

No? Maybe not. Internet provider, yeah. I am. I'm rivaling BT Broadband. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had a text in about your acting prowess, Frank Skinner. Uh-oh.

770 has texted, Frank must consider himself an actor. That's not it. I watched Flint Street Nativity the other day. Remember that, Frank? To cheer myself up when I was ill, That's not it. I watched Flint Street Nativity the other day. God, that is going back a bit, yeah. To cheer myself up when I was ill, and he displays some very fine comedic acting. He then gives you dot, dot, dot.

They all show that. My favourite bit was a little slapstick moment when he walks up the stairs of the stage slowly treading on his own dress until he's so... Or is it to avoid treading on your own dress? Is that what it... Well, I'm sort of King Herod, and I walk up the stairs,

and I've got my robes on, and I step on the robe and just fall off the... It's a pratfall, I believe they call it, in the trade. He's so caught up, he falls off the stairs, giggling, thinking of it now. Bravo! Well, they're texting in. An actual channel are texting in.

Yeah, exactly. Is that where it's on? Oh, look, that's very sweet. That's the PR department. That'll help. Is that where it's on? That's very sweet, thank you. That's the PR department. That'll help. I'll remember that this week when I'm thinking, oh, God, this is terrible. Do you get nervous when you act?

Do you like that I'm doing this sort of in the actor's studio interview with you this morning? I think it's good to do things out of your comfort zone, like these guys who had to fake diarrhoea. Fake diarrhoea, that's something that's never caught on in the joke shops. They only do healthy excrement, if you think about it. They do, yeah, very solid. That's a really good point.

Why can't you get a bottle of dog diarrhea for the kitchen? Sorry, everyone, sorry, this is Breakfast Radio, but it's just struck me that the joke shops are very, very conservative on the fake excrement oh they're very neat yeah flint street nativity of a color as well no variety true sorry horrible yeah yeah we must stop now i'm sorry i apologize nativity that was are we saying is that before football came home is that early 90s it was um you can sort of date it, because if you look, it was Neil Morrissey. Oh.

Who else was in it? Jane Horrocks. Oh. Me. It sounded 90s. Patsy Kensett in it? No, she wasn't in it. Oh, it was that pantomime thing you did.

Anyway. She wasn't in that either. Anyway, this is not a very interesting radio, I know. I'm just talking about my CV in a laid back way but I love it do you want to go on to the second email Frank um yes

the second email this is from Gary he says after hearing that Frank didn't like the fact that people rock up at mass only at Christmas I have a disappointing mass story okay a disappointing mass story gather by the fireside everyone this is my kind of radio i'm not a catholic but i've gone off it sure what's next i'm not a catholic but i wanted to go to mass on christmas day with

my girlfriend to impress her that's rather sweet isn't isn't it? Yeah, I think, you know, it's there. It's there in everyone if they dig deep. I was left disappointed. When not only... This is like a bad trip advisor, isn't it? Yeah. When not only did they not sing any carols, but the priest talked about how he was getting back into going to football matches and likened being a good Christian to playing like Scott Brown. Then chastised everyone for only coming out at Christmas and the occasional Easter.

I won't be going back. No, it's strange. I can see priests talking about football. That's very much an Anglican thing. I once saw a local news article about an Anglican vicar who was using a ventriloquist dummy in the pulpit when he did the preaching. But, you know, you've got to...

No, it's a mistake. I'd like to discuss this more, I think, but I have important things like adverts and the news and all that, but maybe we can come back to it. We'll see what happens. I hate to end the hour on a sort of this limp... LAUGHTER It's like life. You don't always have to on a sort of this limp. Well, it's a Catholicism, it's important.

It's like life, you don't always have to have some sort of crescendo. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with E. Dean and A. Cochran. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the ABS website. Not the ABS website,

not that guy. Used to be in Five. Five. Yeah. Absolute. It's more about our six pack, isn't it? Our ABS website. Yeah. Me and Al's doing a six pack based website. Tops off. Tops off website. It's cool. Al's doing a six-pack-based website. Yeah. Tops-off. Tops-off website. It's called We've All Got One.

Yeah. That's the title of it. And when you look up to see what that is, probably expecting something a bit saucier, you get abdominal exercises. Yeah. So much pressure on men to have the six-pack now. There is. People talk about the pressure on women, but I feel for men. I mean,

I do so many planks just to keep up with the, you know, the plank, you know, the sort of where you lie on the floor in a bridge position. Oh, yeah, I know it. Oh, I spend about... Do I know it? I run an abdominal exercise website. Of course you do. You don't. I would say I spend about two-thirds of every day in that position just to keep my core firm, yeah? Yeah.

Anyway. Wow, what a thought. They don't need to do that. Women aren't shallow. They don't care. Mmm. Hey. Okay.

Mmm. I remember being at Warwick University, sitting on a bench, talking to a girl. God, I was absolutely on fire. I was at my wittiest and most interesting. Storming it. And I just noticed... Something tells me this anecdote is not going to end well for you.

She kept looking over my shoulder shoulder and there was, like, some workman chappy with his shirt off, digging a hole. And I thought, well, that's life, isn't it? Isn't it? Eh? Anyway... On a university campus of all places. Anyway, Frank, if I was to say we never go out of style,

that would be good advice. Well, you wouldn't be talking about you two. No, certainly not me. And if I was to say we never go out of style, that would be good advice. Well, you wouldn't be talking about you two. No. Certainly not me. And if I was to say this morning we've played some sick beats, I might end up getting sued by Taylor Swift. Oh, yes. She's trademarking said phrases, this sick beat and we never go out of style. I resent that. I resent it.

And party like it's 1989. Hmm. Well, not in Frank's case. Yeah, we can. No, I'd already given up by then. Oh, had you? If you're going to party, certainly party like it's 1989. Quite still

in the throes of regret and... Isn't that an absolute 80s slogan? Party like it's 1989. Is it? No. It'd be interesting legal battle if it was that. Yeah. Also I have to say

that I said, well it must be back in the early 90s, I said this sick beat at the hospital bedside of Allen Ginsberg. And so That's one of those things you're going to wake up in the morning and be so happy about that, aren't you? I know what you're hospital bedside of Allen Ginsberg. And, um, so... That's one of those things, you're going to wake up in the night and be so happy about that, aren't you? I know what you're like. Um, it is rather

fine. FYI. You're listening to Absolute Radio if you're confused by beat poetry references. It's so inclusive. There'll be one bloke who's sitting in his bed in Northampton who will have got that, and it was for him. Yeah.

Maybe not a bloke, maybe a... I don't think he'll be in Northampton. He might be in the northern quarter of Paris. Well, Alan Moore lives in Northampton. You can't assume that the provinces don't have great minds. That told me. Not for a second. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio. So, can I just say I didn't party much in 1989. I was 14 and a late developer, so quite, um, quite... No, I wasn't one of those 14-year-olds that's like, yeah, you partied a lot more than Taylor Swift did in 1989. Exactly, yeah. It's a strange thing that she...

She would have had to Google what it was like to party in 1989. I partied in 1989. Only my hair. I think it's strange that she wants to trademark nice to meet you where you've been. Well, I'm not happy with that. No. Why?

Because nice to meet you suggests a new relationship. It's always very nice to meet you where you been well i'm not happy with that no because nice to meet you suggests a new relationship it's very nice to meet you you know would you come here often where you've been sounds like you've been going out with someone about five years and getting away where you've been standing here on my own who would you separate trademarks you might use it with me with my lovely tan at the moment nice to meet you you can't ask people that anymore because they say, well, I've been to the tanning salon. In that voice, yeah. And they all speak like that.

Well, that's the men. But what's curious is there's a list of items, did you see that, that you can't reprint these phrases on? They have to specify. Tote bags and backpacks, yes. Yes. Napkin holders, paintbrushes,

Christmas tree ornaments, and this is where it gets strange, whips and harnesses. I'm just saying you better ring your friends in the S&M community. There's no this sick beat on those whips. I think you're talking the tack shop there, because I think because Taylor Swift, correct me if I'm wrong, comes from a country and western background. Possibly.

I bet a lot of people have got ornamental Taylor Swiftlor swift saddles and uh stuff so i think it's for that well you can't have a whip with nice to meet you i mean the horse is bolted by that stage yeah nice to meet you where you've been all my life well nice to beat you this sick beat it's all it's all falling into. We never go out of style. Never go out with styles. That's the subliminal message. After the way he treated her, he treated her like dirt. I don't like the fact that these are things that people could say in conversation quite easily. Nice to meet you, where you been?

I think you're all right in conversation. Just don't put it on merch. Oh, really? Is that what it is? Oh, good. She's not draconian. If she heard someone say it at a bus stop, unlikely she'd be at a bus stop, I understand.

I'm saying all these things, I'm not totally sure who she is, I'm going to be completely straight with you. I quite like her. I've reached an age now where there's a lot of very, very successful American stars who I don't quite know who they are. You only see them in the mail online when you used to read that. Yeah, I don't read that anymore, you see.

Bad news, I've trademarked the phrase, I've reached an age now. I think you'll get money for that. Uh-oh. Yeah, I think I'm going to make a lot of money out of old people's homes from I've reached an age now. You've got a few. Frank's got a few. I've got, you know, when people talk about dog mess

and they say dog dirt. Yes. I always call it dog smear. And I think that's a nicer... Oh, there's some dog smear on there. That's not nice. Is it not nice? No.

It refers to something very sordid, but at the same time, it sounds like a lovely lakeside village. In concrete. Yeah, I went up to dogogsmear for the weekend. I don't think it was sordid, necessarily. Not sordid. Sordid's an overstatement. Inappropriate for a breakfast radio. Yeah, exactly.

Let's move on to adverts where I feel we're safe. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So a couple of weeks ago, I think it was, you dubbed me the motoring correspondent on this show. I don't know if, Emily, you were on that one. It might have been when you were away. Take that back. But I like the fact that I've got a new title as motoring correspondent.

And as you know, I drive a reasonable amount. I ride a motorcycle. Cycle? I cycle, yeah. Oh, I'm a road user, that's for sure. I broke a dock the other day. I did a thing for the first time ever. You just missed a turn in and caught one.

I was driving behind somebody who had a brake light that wasn't working and I pulled up at the side of her at the traffic lights she wound a window down you've got a brake light that's not working and she said oh thank you very much and I really felt like

brilliant I've never done that you're probably the 8th or 9 ninth person that's said that to her. She thought I would be so irritated by you. As you walk away. I thought that was a good thing to do. Do you know what it reminds me of? It's a bit someone leaning over your computer saying,

you've got your caps lock on. My drone. I bet as you drove off, she thought, fear not, there's a shelf underneath five windows, which is what Kim Sears said probably at the tennis. Probably. Yeah, she probably turned the air blower. That's good, though.

I'd never do that. The only time I've had that done to me is I've felt people saying, I nearly drove into the back of you. Mm-hmm. Brake lights, et cetera. Yeah. But that was a proper polite exchange. It does make her vehicle safer.

And at the risk of sounding like Mr Policeman, I think you can get three points for having a brake light out. I'm sorry, but I can't bear that. It's like, they wind down, they say, your tyres are looking a bit low. Oh, well, that's good advice too, especially in the winter. Don't make personal comments. I won't have it. But then there was a problem, because then as soon as I passed her,

I was behind another car that had a stoplight out. Another one. Another one. I was thinking, what am I, Robocop? Am I going to do everyone? So I couldn't catch them at the lights. I wouldn't have the courage to do it. I think people might not thank you for it. Well, that was my concern, but then it went so well that now I think, I've got to roll this out.

I've got to take it out further. People don't want the truth, that's what I say. I'd be quite happy to hear that there's a brake light bulb out, because then you think, well, that could go on my to roll this out. I've got to take it out further. People don't want the truth. I'd be quite happy to hear that there's a break-light bulb out, because then you think, well, that could go on my to-do list. And on top of that, the Cochrane's are having what I think people would call a dinner party

this evening. Oh, now you're talking my language. We've got some neighbours coming round. Oh, the neighbours? We've been. Well, yeah, kind of neighbours. People that we meet at the school. Hide theem that's my advice hide the modem 1997 i'm unplugging the printer don't worry about that well it depends if the neighbor other neighbor might be working on it at the time so um so there's a couple and a lady that lives across the road are all coming so that's officially a dinner party isn't it? Oh, so is she coming

hand solo then? Yes, I think so. Are you sure you've gathered everyone? Is there anyone who's still fairly adjacent to your house who hasn't been invited or find out about this party and think, well, why wasn't Well, that would worry me. You know, that Fen Street Nativity thing

we were talking about, the fact that Jane Horrocks invited the entire cast except me to her party afterwards. What I love about that is you've really moved on and forgiven her and dealt with it, and you don't ever talk about it every show we do. No, no, I'm absolutely fine with it. Wow.

Yeah. Does that mean that David Baddiel has to come to all your social engagements? Because he's in the road, and he is a bit twitchy curtain, so he'll know. Yeah, well, I think I only have about two a year and he does come to. That's good. So, yeah, what's it like? What's it like having a dinner party? Oh, hold that thought, because asking Emily Dean that could be a very long thing.

So I'm going to play some lovely music. Oh, yeah. I've got plans for us. By way of a cliffhanger. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. What about when I asked Frank if his parents had dinner parties and he openly laughed at me?

Yes, they had dinner. But they didn't have dinner. They had it at half past twelve. So they wouldn't invite couples round and open wine? No. Well, we used to get the neighbours would come round and sit for a bit. They wouldn't come round for a meal. They wouldn't, yeah.

When Mrs Weston came round and put the alarm clock on the kitchen table and the face, halfway up the face, was urine. And she says, we dropped this in the pot in the bedroom. Do you think you can mend it for us? That was the kind of dinner parties we had. A little insight into the community you grew up in. Exactly. I'll tell you something about the community I grew up in, incidentally.

We talked about Wellingtons. Uh-huh. There was a man who delivered papers, newspapers. Paperboy? Well, we called him Teddy the Paperchap. Oh. But I think he was also known locally as the Beano Man. Nice.

And he wouldn't waste money on paperboys. And so he used to deliver all the papers himself. So you'd see him out at maybe three o'clock in the afternoon delivering the Daily Mirror or whatever in the morning. And he only ever wore Wellingtons. I never saw him in anything else. And he used to cut off his trousers at the level of the Wellingtons. This wasn't Jimmy Cricket, wasn't jimmy crickets

wasn't it no but he was a local legend i remember his sister worked in the shop and i went in there once she was eating a lard sandwich oh and uh as i was getting me the paper a piece of the lard fell if you ever seen anyone lick a lump of lard off a fingerless glove. Oh. What do you think? With my line of work. Maybe not. Never even seen lard. But your mum and dad might have been in steptoe. Yeah, this is true. Or something.

So, dinner parties. Okay. I'll tell you how I operated last time, when we went to theirs. Why didn't you tell me how you operated last time? They invited us for dinner, and I, I'll be honest with you, I dreaded it,

and then went there and really enjoyed it. Drank too much red wine. At 3am I was sick. That's embarrassing. Isn't that awful, Frank? On the Sunday I had no hangover, whereas my wife did. So that was my MO last time. Dread it, enjoy it. Did you just throw up at their house? No, at my own home. You must have been really saying some embarrassing things, though.

I mean, if you were that drunk. No, I'm serious. I'm not laughing. If you vomited. Can you imagine the sort of stuff you were coming out with? Imagine those red bits in the corn bean mouth. I hate that. I hate that. What did you say to Mrs. Cockrell? Excuse me, love, I've got to go off and be sick. I said to her, on the Sunday when she was complaining about her sore head, I was saying, feel great. 3am VOM, feel great. I know it's not great, it's not glorious, is it? I'm going out as one of EMF or something.

You have a stressful job, you're entitled to relax. Thanks, thanks very much. That's all right. Stressful job. There you go. Quite stressful. What a surprise, perno in the morning sympathising. But yeah, that was how I worked.

Perno in the morning, then just turn away. In that pause, I was thinking, what's the next bit? I can't remember the next bit. I panicked, but I held it together. I'm quite pleased with myself. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So, you're throwing a dinner party.

Yeah, of sorts. We've got some, there are some basics here. Okay, cool. Don't ask people to take their shoes off. Oh, I was going to... No, get things off on the wrong foot. Can I stop you there? Well, I'm going to stop you there.

No, I'm stopping you. When I go to Frank's, what they do is quite clever. There's a series of shoes lined up in the hall. Hunter Wellies. No, just shoes. So it makes people instantly think, oh, I'll take my shoes off. That's different. That's hinting.

Don't actually ask them. OK. David Baddiel came round the other night. Oh, he didn't take his shoes off, did he? He came round on his birthday I was upstairs putting Boz to bed I always say take your shoes off to people Kat's a bit more

So she didn't So he went down into the kitchen with her I came downstairs, walked down I could see a chunk of dog smear On every carpeted step Down to the kitchen And I got in Did you say something? I didn't think people still did on every carpeted step down to the kitchen. And I got in... Did you say something?

I didn't think people still did. I haven't seen that since the 70s. What, dog smear? Yeah. No. It was almost like it was dog smear from memory lane. But what's more important, your carpet or your guest's well-being? Well, he'd have been all right in socks.

And also then he felt guilty about it. He offered to clean it up. I would look him back and say, that's good of you. I'll go and get some dettol. But of course we didn't. Get the rubber gloves. But Kathy's still scrubbing at it now because she thinks it'll make something terrible happen to Boz if he puts his hand in it.

Wait till he gets to university. There's worse than that there. Let me tell you. If they bring booze, manners dictate that you open it there and then. Oh, really? You do not put it in the fridge, especially not if it's champagne and you've got Lambrusco or something. I must have been, I've took snacks that I've been looking forward to and they've never come out at all, just gone in a cupboard.

I brought it for party, you know, I haven't brought supplies. Yeah. I'm contributing to the evening. Otherwise I'd have got you, you know, a nest of tables. Oh, so you have to drink it when they're all there? I agree. There should be a table. It should be like at a wedding. The gifts go on the table.

And if it hasn't been touched, you can take it away with you. But that could backfire, though, because we've occasionally gone to a gathering and taken some wine that we thought was minging going on. It's just going to go in the... This is a good thing. It encourages you to take nicer stuff. Another thing I'll say, if there's a woman, don't expect her to help in the kitchen. I was at a dinner party. Hang on.

One of the women said to me, should we go and help in the kitchen? I said, sorry, I don't do that. I said, I think I'm better out here telling anecdotes. I did. You were right. You were right. I think, yeah, horses for courses anecdotes. I did. You were right. You were right. I think, yeah. Horses for courses. That's what we're serving up. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. All three courses. Yeah. Three different types of horse. Well, of course, we get people round. Me and Kath have this signature invite in which people come, we invite them for dinner and they cook. I love that.

Yeah. That sounds good. And then they cook. You did it with the two cheese? They cook and then of course we wash up. So it's the time-honoured bargain. You cook, we wash up, but do it at our house. Otherwise, you go around someone's house, they cook, you go home, they have to wash up as well.

It's not fair. You know what I'm talking about, Willis? Frank? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio We've had an email from 731

a text I should say Dear Alan, Frank and Emily Alan first because I'm a northerner Reshower tips and tricks I religiously brush my teeth in the shower It's the first thing I do in there,

and it feels great to lather up with a clean set of teeth. That's not a bad idea. He continues. Lots of my friends disapprove, and are somewhat disgusted by the idea of brushing with hot water, but after making the move to shower brushing several years ago, I've never looked back. Just wanted to know what you all think of this practice,

and that's lots of love from Funky D in Haring when funky d is it he or is she uh i don't i'm gonna go is it like white d well funky d let's when funky d has finished cleaning their teeth do they then hold up their open mouth to the shower head to rinse oh i see that see. That's quite a big statement, isn't it? But I'm with Funky D because I sometimes brush my teeth off and on the go. I'll do it in the car. I did it in bed last night without the use of water. What? Really?

But where did you spit? I don't spit anywhere. I swallow it. I've got one of those, you know those vending machines with the things that you chew to clean your teeth? Yes. I've got one of those, you know those vending machines with the things that you chew to clean your teeth? Yes. I've got one of those.

Have you? No. But sometimes I say things just to change the subject. I'm sorry. It was a complete little mistake. No, I don't think it's good to eat toothpaste.

That's really not what it's for. Is it not? Will any dentists get in touch with me? Yeah. Yes, there'll be dentists. I think we have. There will now. We've also got an email saying,

Morning, people-oids. When I was a kid, we were the only people on the street with a landline telephone. We had a neighbour who used to come round to use it from time to time. Oh, we had one of those. Mrs, what was she called? Mrs Morgan. Across the road. Was the only person who had a landline. The only person who had one of those. Mrs, um, what was she called? Mrs Morgan. Across the road. Was the only person who had a landline.

The only person who had a landline. We had a neighbour who used to come round to use it from time to time and spend about 20 minutes talking to her mother. She'd always smile, put her thumb up and leave 2p on the sideboard, the price of a three-minute call in a phone box. My dad never said anything, cos her husband used to let him go around and watch the cup final in colour. Steve in Sheffield.

Well, that's exactly my point, you see. Yeah. Push-pull. Yeah. You look after each other when you're neighbours. Who knows what I've got to come in exchange for that Wi-Fi. I dread to think. Well, I'll keep you posted.

You can count on that. Pete Donaldson is up next. Lovely. Yeah. And thank you so much for listening this morning. can count on that. Pete Donaldson is up next. Lovely. Yeah, and thank you so much for listening this morning. I'm sorry about my slightly croaky voice, but And I'm just sorry in general.

Well, anyway, what are you pointing at? I'll do a Daisy's pointing at something. What's the matter? I want you to hit this. Yeah, I know that. Worst ending we've ever had to the show. Sorry, but Daisy, I'm in the middle of flow. I know exactly what I'm doing and the producer suddenly. Yeah, I know that. Worst ending we've ever had to the show. Sorry, but I'm in the middle of flow. I know exactly what I'm doing.

And the producer suddenly thinks, like, you know, it's about time I earned my corn here and said something. Anyway, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. And now, well, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. well get out