The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Thens Reunited

Episode Date: December 5, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week, Frank saw Buzz in a nativity play, Emily went for a bracing swim and Alun reveals a secret. The team also talk Zuckerberg and tattoo removal.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. Why not text us? We're on 8 12 15. Or, if you're a bit 21st century, you can tweet us at Frank on the radio. Or if you're an old dyed--in-the-wool traditional, you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. That's your three ways in. Imagine it as a small cottage with three parts leading up to it.

You choose. No, snail mail. The really old, dyed-in-the-wool traditionalists would go snail mail. What is snail mail? It's the post. It's the sort of thing they say on Children in Need. Yeah, yeah. It sounds the post. It's the sort of thing they say on Children in Need. Yeah, yeah. It's a bit, it sounds a bit interweb.

No, they say, oh, you can get in touch with us via snail mail. Did I never heard that before? Well. Every day's a school day. It is, yeah. As you like to say. You know what, though, it's not a thing I'm going to use, I'll be honest with you. No?

Well, don't I think? I felt the same about what'sap, but I still use that. We've got a cuckoo in the nest this morning. Cuckoo in the nest? Yes. Cuckoo in the nest. Everybody, at home. Okay.

I'll be doing that anyway. Yes, Jer is with us this morning. Ger? Oh, yeah. Is it Ger or Jer? I don't know. I prefer Jer. Why have we never talked about it until we're live on the radio?

We should have asked tonight. This is so rude and embarrassing. Well, his name is Geraint. He's with us tonight. I thought it was Ger, like Gerhard Berger. I think he's from Jeff Lloyd's show, so he's a bit of a spy. No, he's not. He's from the OC show.

Oh, well. They all blur into one to me. Spies. That's so rude. Yeah, so the OC sent him to find out how to do a radio show. Oh my God. Without tools. I'm talking about without tools.

I don't need no tools. I got sauce. You're alright. That's his version of Mr Key's cat face. I didn't sleep very well last night. I've always liked this one. I haven't slept well. I like it. You're cat face. I've always liked this one, I haven't slept well. I like it, you're slightly manic. I, um...

Am I like a manic street preacher? You're a zany hoose. Speaking of manic street preachers, I drove in past the Chinese embassy this morning. You know, there's a constant vigil. You know, there's a constant vigil outside there. Yes, I like that.

There's always somebody, and it's freezing this morning, there's a constant vigil outside there. Yes, I like that. There's always somebody, and it's freezing this morning, there's always people meditating there. I thought that was Alan doing his karate. It's a protest. And like all the best adverts, I don't know what it's for, but I bet it's something really important. And then, so I thought, what amazing that those people are on the pavement

on a freezing cold morning like this. And then I went past Nike Town, and those young men queuing for training shoes on the pavement on a freezing cold morning like this and then i went past nike town and those young men to um queuing for training shoes on the pavement and i thought human beings doing something which is like difficult and cold and unpleasant for vastly different reasons what a great world we live in here we are on capital right oh sorry i um i became someone else from a different station frank also, also, when you say something meaningful like that, you know you are meant to finish it by saying, anyway, here's Whitesnake. Yeah, I know.

But, um... You didn't. That's a bit rude. So, um... What a week I had. I went to, um... How busy? Guess, I went to the...

I'm going to call it the theatre. Guess what production I went to see. I knew I'm going to call it the theatre. Guess what production I went to see. I'm not going to call it the theatre. Guess what, because it wasn't strictly speaking. Which production did you go and see? Kinky Boots. Everybody's talking about those Kinky Boots. I'm going to see that with a friend.

Kinky Boots. Is it based on the old song, Kinky Boots, by Patrick McNeill? It's based on the film. You don't even know what that is. No, I don't see many films. They're so long. They are long. Michael Irwin. Long.

Michael Irwin, I've only seen eight films. I'm like Michael Irwin, except I've never lost 80 grand on one hand of cards. Apart from that, we're extremely similar. No. Is that a fact that's in the public domain? No, it's a fact in the in the public domain? It is a fact. No, it's a fact in the public.

He did lose his third one signature. I know my legal... If that hadn't been in the public domain, the manager of Absolute has just gone... Don't worry. That's a well-known fact. OK. So where did I go?

I went to my son's nativity play. Oh, lovely. That's the correct response. And what part did he play? Jesus. Oh, don't. That's always plastic. Traditionally, that's plastic.

Is that right? Oh, he has to put that down, doesn't he? He has to put it down. No, no one has to. Robert Powell. Robert Powell was in it. That's Jesus. This is North London. They hired Robert Powell to play the band.

One of my parents' friends, thank you. Of course. Now, Frank, please don't say he got the Big Daddy role. I mean, please don't say he got Joseph. No way. He was Joseph. Wow. How proud were you?

I was very proud, until I read Two Ginger in the North London Chronicles review. Frank? Won't have it. I will not have it. Gerhard's a ginger. Gerhard, now, is it? Yeah, Jerry's a ginger. I loved it.

I mean, my son is, since my son is, as I've said on this show before, since I had a ginger child. We love them here. I've become like that woman on Celebrity Big Brother who was like, who wasn't gay, but was like a big champion of the gay community. Do you remember that? What was that woman called? It's a big, big, attractive black. Dale Winton. Dale Winton? Oh, I don't know.

No, no, it wasn't her. No, I asked anyone. Oh, I know't know. No, no, it wasn't her. No, anyway. Oh, I know who you mean, Janice Dickinson. Yeah, no. But anyway, no, I think, is that the one from Bargain Hunt? No. Okay. Anyway, I'm like that, so I see myself as a sort of

honorary champion of the ginger community. Yeah. You all right with that, so I see myself as a sort of honorary champion of the ginger community. Yeah. You all right with that, Gary? Yeah. Gary! She had seven names in one link. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So what happened with this Joseph? The nativity, we got there, get this, this is the kind of parents we've become. We got there 45 minutes before the start so he could get in the front row. Wow. Oh. Oh, man.

I thought you meant so he could get in the zone for his performance. No, he was already, he was, he was. Did he have any lines? What did he say? They didn't, none of them really. It was based on... They worked as a team. So there was him and a very tall... Sorry, this is your son.

They didn't work as a team. No, my son was led around by a Mary who was, I'd say, eight inches taller. But, you know, this is the modern world. Yeah. And another boy dressed as an ass. Right. Oh.

I heard someone at the door say, you know, when they were getting in, saying, I'm with the ass. So it was great. It was beautiful. And they all sang. But it was based on Christmas I Spy. Oh.

So one of them would say, I Spy is something beginning with mu meh and then they would have guesses and then they'd say is it me and Jan and he'd go yes and it was a big bit of a hoax oh I would have gone mince pies I thought we were going to play it I feel like I've been robbed of a chance to play that

if you'd like to text in for what you would have gone for well it's a much neglected game once you get into adult life I spy? yeah I mean it's a much neglected game once you get into adult life. I spy. Yeah. I mean, it's a much better game than, let's say, Monopoly. I love I spy, thank you. Yeah. But when's the last time you played in an adult group?

I can't really talk about that. OK. You see, I think you could be turned into an adult game. That's what worries me. You could be an adult or adults. Well, you could have, me? You could have like, you could have, in here now, I spy with my little eye something beginning with P,

professional jealousy. You know what I mean? Why are we jealous? No, I'm just giving a for example. A par exam. But wouldn't you imagine playing that? Frank, I spy with my little eye something beginning with G.

G. Gregariousness. No, Gilbert over here. Let's just call him G. Okay. G? Yeah, because he looks a bit G. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Not really. You know, gangster.

Gangster. So, Frank, did Buzz... It looks like he could be in the taffia. That's what they call it, isn't it? Yeah, they do. It's an organised crime in Cardiff known as the taffia. Is that not true? Don't ask him questions like that.

Oh, sorry. Frank, did Buzz have a tea towel on the head? Because that's what they do sometimes for the old hotel. I guess he did have a tea towel. Oh, lovely. But he did look great. I was told by the teachers there were other children involved in it, but I didn't really notice.

They were just a blur. It's amazing that you can watch 200 kids on stage and honestly, I never... It was like telescopic sights. Oh. Never looked away. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I think it's fabulous.

I don't know what Mark Zuckerberg would say to me if he was here. He'd probably say, here, get yourself a drink. Sure, sure. Go, go, have a coffee on me. Sorry, as I've said, as I've confessed before, the only American accent I can do is Wild West

old-timer. I'm stuck with it, I'm afraid. Are you all right, Mark? Sure. Tell me, you been Facebooking? Yeah, I have, actually. Quite a bit. Well, sure is fun, ain't it?

Yes, Mark, it is. Anyway, I'll be off now. Yeah, fine. Don't be a stranger. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, yes.

Now, here's another. Here's a guessing game. Oh, I love a guessing game. It does arrive. Oh, me too, Al. When Buzz was on stage as Joseph, he noticed me and his mother in the front row and he waved. Oh, that's cute. It was very cute, obviously. It's a lovely moment. But I did have a flashback to the last time somebody...

Last time I was in the front row and somebody waved from the stage. Oh! Now... Who was that person? I know I have told you this, I think, in the past. Obviously, I bragged about it for days. We have to guess who it is. I'm going to say...

I'll give you a clue. I was either at a party in the park or tea in the park. I don't know the difference between those. Prince Charles. No. OK. Why would he wave to me? Why would anyone wave to you?

Well, they wave to me individually. Good shout. Well, you know him. You've been to his crib. No, that was the baby Jesus. OK. Alan, you're going. The lightning seeds.

No. It's only one person. Yeah. I'm not talking about a Mexican wave. I'm going to tell you, it was Ronan Keating. What? Feel free to gasp. I'm a bit disappointed. That it was Ronan Keating. What? Feel free to gasp. I'm a bit disappointed.

That's a toy guessing games. But I've done better than that. I told you I lost a Jimmy Choo shoe when I went on Ramesses Revenge with him. It fell off. What is Ramesses Revenge? It's at one of those theme parks. It's a ride.

I don't do those rides. I think Frank thought it was a religious retreat. After 22 years of alcoholism, I've got no vomit left. So I don't do those rides. It's a lovely anecdote. So Ronan waved at you. That's nice, Frank.

Yeah, but it wasn't as exciting as Boz waving to me. It was a lovely thing. Don't get me wrong, I respect all the world religions, but I did enjoy the nativity play. Okay. We've heard from Hayley... I don't know the surname. Mills?

Let it be Mills. My boyfriend and I... I don't think it's Mills. My boyfriend and I... I'm not sure about my boy. My boyfriend and I go on lots of road trips to help pass the time we play I Spy with my imagination eye picking a theme slash setting.

How do you guess that? You've got to guess what's in someone's imagination. I'd like more detail. So how would it work? I don't know, darling. Would it be I Spy with my like N and it'd be the Nevada desert. I mean, it could be anything. It sounds like thatumber and it'd be the Nevada desert? I mean, it could be anything.

It sounds like that's what it could be. So difficult. I mean, you've got the whole of the real world and an imaginary world to go out. I'm picturing them in a camper van with some sort of psychedelic colouring on the outside. Oh, a bit Scoob. Yeah.

And they're listening to Matthew's Southern Comfort. That's my guess. I don't know what I've done, but thanks for getting in touch, Hayley. And I thought you were marvellous in Tiger Bay. We've heard from the outside world already today. Actually, technically speaking, we received this at 1am. Well, was it Hayley from the outside world? Oh, yeah. Yeah, she was.

It's not great stage names, that's what you thought. He is the man of many names today. Here's an email. It's entitled, Frank's Bring the Noise revelation. Oh, yes. So there you go. I should say, Bring the Noise is a popular music entertainment show on Sky One. I'm not plugging.

It's not my show. I've been on, you know. It's an enjoyable romp. The Guardian. The Guardian. That was so The Guardian. Good morning, Alan, Frank and Emily, in order from north to south. I don't get to listen to the show live as I'm on shift on a Saturday morning, but I'm a long-time podcast listener slash reader.

I've never contacted you or any other radio show before, but I now feel compelled to do so following Frank's Bring the Noise revelations in a recent podcast episode. As a 23-year-old, I've often found myself in nightclubs with my friends where I've been castigated for not joining in with the dancing, something which I find absolutely abhorrent. I experienced a great deal of excitement to learn that someone with the standing of Frank shared these views and had counted him as a staunch ally in my anti-dancing outlook,

following statements that he would rather eat glass than dance on a BBC Edinburgh Fringe show and subsequent assertions on your own programme that all intelligent people hate dancing. Yes, I remember saying that. Unfortunately, it now seems that he has abandoned these principles for a light entertainment show and succumbed to unnecessary lymphedaling. Why the sudden change? Frank, you've been busted. Was this just for the money?

The chance to chest bump with the lovely Miss Shirts again? Good guess. Guess what? Right first time. No, it wasn't. It was very enjoyable. Or has Frank had an epiphany that I am still missing? Can I no longer count on his support in this matter and therefore remove him from my list of notable non-dancers? I hope Frank hasn't had an epiphany.

I didn't know about her. Praise redacted, RichardPrisoner622. Excellent start to email in the show, by the way, Richard. Yeah, it was a very fine email. Congratulations. And I, for one, can't wait to hear the answer. Critical. Well, I think...

Hoisted? Batard? You know, Hippoclides doesn't care. Are you familiar with that phrase? No. No? Hippoclides was... He was an ancient Greek.

He does have that sound to him. He sounds Greek, to be fair. A fabulous, rich woman who was being put on the market the market as it were by her dad and suitors had to um gather around to try and win her hand and hippoclides was well in with the chance he got to the got to the last two oh and um he got drunk did he get to judge's houses no he did i don't know how to do that anymore i don't know they're stopping it anyway, so there was at a party and Hippoclides got drunk and he started dancing. And he got so drunk he started dancing on his hands and kicking his legs in the air. And the father of the potential bride was there and he said,

You've just danced your marriage away. And Hippoclides said, Hippoclides doesn't care. Which I've always liked and so I like the fact that we've got some hot gossip from ancient Greece here with all the latest Hippoclides info

for you. So in a way I have a grudging admiration for those who can dance like there's no one looking as they say. Yes. Because if you're a Catholic there's no one looking as they say. Yes. Because if you're a Catholic, there's always someone looking. But, yeah, it's a fair cop. That's what I'm basically trying to say. Good night.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Here's a funny story. Here is a funny story. It's not actually a funny story, but I was having lunch the other day and the house was empty, so I put the telly on and I was tempted by the news

and then I thought, oh. So I noticed there was a rerun of the popular BBC sitcom, Hello, Hello Hello. Oh, yeah. So, anyway... Too loud. Too loud.

The credits went up at the... There's a woman in it, a sort of attractive, dark-haired woman, and I said, I remember her. I said to myself, that's... Frank, this sounds so depressing. Talking to yourself whilst watching Alo Alo. I know, but it was lunchtime. OK.

And I was having a Lee Adama Light Life sandwich, if you really want to know. Make it more glamorous, why don't you? What pickle did you go for? I went for a mango. It's all pickle with you, isn't it? I was underneath the mango tree, me honey and me.

Did you have any beverage? I'm just trying to set the scene. Anyway, I had a normal, I actually I was almost certainly drinking tea out of my absolute radio mug. Lovely. Yes.

So, anyway, this is actress, and I thought, oh, yeah, I remember really liking that actress. She's called Frances Gooneratney. OK, so at the end, I watched the credits, her character comes up. She's called Francesca Gonshaw. Oh. Now, Frances Goounaratne... Yeah?

Where has that come from? I don't think it's, like, someone I knew personally. I think it is an actress. But I've googled the bajabers out of her. Have you? And I have to say, the people at the Citizens Advice Bureau were singularly unhelpful.

But I can't... If anyone out there knows who Frances Gooneratney is, even if Frances Gooneratney is listening, but I have an idea. That would be great if she herself was listening. Frances is an older lady's name, isn't it? Well, I mean, I think this is, bear in mind that that was sort of 80s, wasn't it?

I think it was a similar. But I got me Gonshaws and me Gooneratneys in a twist and I need you to help me out. Guys. Eh? God, I nearly pressed the wrong bit. Hold on. Alright, get off me. Sorry, I get a lot of

harassment at work from the girls. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have a running theme of late reviews on this show, don't we? Yes, we do. We've got an email saying, making a cup of tea. Frank, Emily and Alan, I just remembered that around three or four years ago on your show,

you discussed the teaspoon being the best kitchen utensil for making a cup of tea. I forgot to email in immediately to disagree, so I'm doing so now. Providing sugar isn't required, a fork is the best choice, as the space between the prongs allows for the excess tea to fall back into the cup. Less tea wasted and less chance of troublesome tea drips falling on the floor or side during the transport of the bag between the mug and the bin. Sorry about the delayed objection. Thanks, Charlie.

Yeah, but it's just a bit young ones, isn't it? I mean, please. We're people of property. I've discovered from... Property? Yes. Yeah, singular for me. I've discovered from last year's hamper some Christmas tea.

It's actually called Christmas tea. It's got like cloves in it and stuff like that. Not a tea bag, though. No, not a bag. I've got myself a little strainer, but every time I have a cup of tea now, it's very... Oh, it's the Christmassy thing. Right, talking of hampers, we're very open people.

Our management, our collective management... We're going to have to come back to this. Do you know what I'm going to talk about? I know exactly what you're going to say. And I've got views. I'm so clenched. OK, so am I. Yes, we'll discuss it.

I tell you a funny one. If the nutcrackers aren't working, pass them over. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello?ner on Absolute Radio. Hello. Come on. Anyone there? Yeah, but you normally do all the stuff at the beginning of the hour.

Yes, I do. Yes. I'll tell you what. This is a Frank Skinner show. Hang on, hang on. I'm him, and I'm with Emily Z. Give yourself a better run-up. No, it's going to be fine.

And Alan Cochran's here. And you can text us on 8-12-15. And Alan Cochran's here, and you can text us on 81215, and you can tweet us at Frank on the radio, or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website, alright? That was fine. I think people like it human.

Where's that go-hard with my coffee? Oh my goodness, you've become a monster now as well. Well, I'll tell you why I might have become a monster. Because I'm not feeling full of Christmas cheer at the moment. And I'll tell you for why. Because our collective management... Yes, we all have the same management.

They know who they are. Do you know something? That's never occurred to me until this second. It's occurred to them, darling. You know the... Trust me. The idiot Eureka moment. It never occurred to me we've got the same management. Well, listen to this.

You don't need to listen because you all know this. That normally we get a hamper. I should start by saying I appreciate these are first world problems of the highest order. But every Christmas from our management we get a lovely hamper from Fortnum & Mason's, I believe, Frank, is it? Yeah, I wasn't going to mention that. Oh, well, I am. I don't mind people disliking us, but I don't want to be out and out despised. I don't want to have good evidence.

Anyway, they're hampers. Where they're from is irrelevant. Have you ever said anything less sincere in your life? If they came from Lidl, you'd be absolutely furious. Well, as it turns out, I'd be delighted this year. Oh, yes, that's true. Because this year,

I waited for my hamper. I thought maybe Broken Britain might be a bottle of champagne. No. Guess what I get? An email saying, we've decided, on your behalf,

that instead of the traditional gift this year to our clients, we are going to donate to charity on your behalf. Now, whilst I applaud this sentiment, congrats, you're well done, I'd like to make that choice myself, thank you, and I'd like to choose the charity. Good night. Can I just say, you said we all...

And how do I know that they're giving it to the charity? This is my problem. Oh, come on. Please, can I just announce, you said we all- And how do I know that they're giving it to the charity? This is my problem. Oh, come on. Please, can I just announce, you said we all know this. This is news to me. Oh, you haven't heard? I honestly thought I was going to get a hamper next week or the week after. Oh, well, sorry to break it. Hashtag gutted.

Well, I forward all my hampers to the third night. Anyway, I had a letter from a man. He takes the pickle lily out first. Yeah, what about the pickle lily? A letter he'd written with a stick that said, how much he loved a pickle walnut this time of the year. So, no, you know, I think it's lovely. It is lovely, but please allow me to complain briefly. No, no, I think it's lovely. It is lovely, but please allow me to complain briefly. No, no, I think it's fine to complain.

But this in the week of Zuckerberg, I think we have to, you know, we're all in it together. There's been charity one-upmanship. Well, that's it. It's put us all to shame. Although at least we've given our hampers. We're not giving our hampers over the course of our life, which I think is what he's doing with his the Facebook shares. Yeah.

I call it the Facebook. Well you should say, in case people don't, yeah the Facebook, so cute. Remember in the film it's called the Facebook and I think Justin Timberlake said it'd be better if you call it Facebook. Yeah. I haven't seen the film and I'm not on the Facebook. Zuckerberg, I'm not on the Facebook but Zucki,

he was happy with the Facebook. Zuckerberg. I'm not on the Facebook, but Zucki. Yeah. He was happy with the Facebook. Yeah. Yeah. He's got a lovely wife, Priscilla. Yeah. She is lovely. He did well, didn't he, Zuckerberg? Well, I like him because he hasn't gone for what I call a Misty or a Tiffany,

if you know what I mean, which he could have. Yeah. He's gone for a nice lady. No, but she's very, I'd say he's batting above his average. I just wish that her surname began with A instead of C, because they're so close to being the A to Zs, aren't they? Oh, yes. The C to Zs just isn't as much fun, because she's Cham.

Anyway, they've had a... They're donating... They've had a daughter this week, so Mazel Tov. Yeah. But, yes, they've decided, or he's decided, I presume, I doubt she's decided on her own, that they're going to give 99% of their shares in the Facebook... £30 billion.

..to, um... To what, exactly? To charities. Yeah, to charities. Which is, you know, brilliant. To charities, but, you know, I'm as much a fan of tax avoidance as an ex-man. But that's basically... It depends who the next man is.

In fairness, they still have £460 million. Yeah. But even, we kind of underestimate their kindness in this thing. My thing is when... I'll have a go at you. When a baby's born, you do often have to you know clear out the spare room right to make some storage space so i think just giving all those shares out no i just think it's full of it's probably full of money he's asking you imagine

it i imagine there's like domestic notes for the milkman written on a hundred dollar bill what if they've been a bit rash though frank this is what worries me well this is the what if you get a big gas bill you know or someone wants a peerless one two five well it says in the new testament that when you give you should give secretly don't let your left hand know what your right hand's doing that's where that phrase comes from is it really and um as i i believe in the secret giving oh especially as you can change your mind at the last minute if you want to. Yes. No one tells you off.

Little tip if anyone's out there listening. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So anyway, Zuckerberg. Yes. Oh, Zucker, yeah.

Yes, I, Zuckerberg. Yes. Oh, Zucker, yeah. Yes, I just... Yeah. I mean, I think the sentiment behind it, much like the Hampergate incident, I think it's a noble one. Well, generally giving billions to charities... Well, no, what I'm saying is not just that. I'm saying it's the fact that they've decided, perhaps, they don't want the children to be spoiled.

Well, they're only going to get 460 million. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. 461 million would go right to their heads. It might make them less of the ambassador's child with the gelled side parting, as I call it. It's difficult if you're old, if you're Zuckerberg, because you're so beyond flush.

Mm-hmm. That, you know, what are you going to do with it all? Yeah. Difficult. I mean, when I was at school, I got called a pauper by a quite mean-spirited other pupil. That's so horrible, Al. But even if they give away 99% of their income,

the Zuckerbergs, their children will still be able to call the ambassador's children paupers because they're going to be monumentally rich, aren't they? I don't know. Are they definitely going to give it away? Here's the thing. Isn't it the sort of things that happens after that first spell of sleep deprivation? I killed a horse

with a house brick. I mean, that's so unlike me. I didn't. Can I say I didn't? unlike me. I didn't. Can I say I didn't? I think you should say that. Don't do that. Because the emails are going to go absolutely mad at that. And also, can I just say,

I'm a big fan of the equine community. And I work with horses. Believe me, I wouldn't hurt a horse. No. Yeah, it's a fly, that phrase. You know that, don't you? Oh, yeah. A horse fly.

I wouldn't hurt a horsefly. Actually, I would hurt a horsefly. They are mean. Yeah, they are horrible, aren't they? Are they? I haven't encountered them yet. I was walking. One landed on my face once.

I remember. I was walking. It was just landing on my face. And I felt my neck muscles slightly give a bit. That's how big they are. Are they? Oh, Gerhard enjoyed that. He loves anything about the

fly community. I can't work it out. Can I just say, you know the charity muggers that people call the chuggers? I thought you meant that was the name of them. You know the charity muggers? They're helping them out now. You know the people that come up with a clipboard

and say, oh, excuse me, can I... Yeah, and they try and get you to do a direct debit. Here's the thing, I... They wear a tabard, Al, don't they? Yeah, I was approached once in the street by one of them and it was one of the ones that I actually do donate to and so I said, oh, I'm sorry, I already give. And the delight on that person's face was so great

that now I say it to all of them even the ones I don't give to it's a lie but it's a good lie I think is that not I mean honestly are you being paid to do this and they are

and the person got very irate did they get vexed that was money matters on Absolute Radio. I just think there might be an element of that about the Zuckerbergs. Everyone going, oh, he's worth loads of money. And them going, yeah, we're giving it away. Well, he says he wants to.

Honestly, it's going. He said he wants to give his daughter a better world to live in. So that's why he's giving it away. Because the secret, if you want to give them a better world, is to keep the money. Does he? I know. Well, there is that.

Anything they like. 24-hour security, golf course. Oh, that's lovely, Frank. That's what I call a better world, but we're all different. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What do you think about this? If you take the Facebook and how much money it made...

I like the way they still call it. The people, several people have said to me that one thing they do on the internet is look up their exes. Oh, yeah. Right? Now, I'm wondering if you could have a... Sorry, I don't do that anymore. Last time I did that, I tagged myself as Homer Simpson in a photograph.

And I won't be doing that again. I did, I told you that. It was my ex and his girlfriend, and they were both posing at Universal Studios next to a statue thing of Homer Simpson. I closed up on the picture to see if she had better legs than me. As I did it,

I tagged myself as Homer Simpson. So he saw a photograph, he got a notification that Emily Dean tagged herself as Homer Simpson in a photo in a photograph, he got a notification that Emily Dean tagged herself as Homer Simpson in a photo, in the middle of him and the ex. So you're standing in the middle? Him and the girlfriend.

Yeah, I'm in the middle of him and the girlfriend. I don't really know what tagged means, but I like it. Go hard it liked it, because it's his generation. Yeah. I used to watch tag wrestling in World of Sports. I've stayed off Facebook since then. Have you? Yes, well, but a lot of people Google their exes.

You can't get round it. I mean, people Google people from way back. Yeah. Gordon, what about you? No, I'm again. Yeah, you do. You do. And I was thinking of a site specifically that you go on to

and you have access to find out what your exes are doing now and they have access to you. I'm thinking of calling it get this, Then's Reunited. Then's... Oh right. Because they were then. And the current photograph, I mean we'd kill for that.

Those people we loved at school. I mean imagine how bad they look now. Yeah. I'm speaking for my age group. Yeah. Mine have all had work, so they look quite good, to be honest. But that sort of thing, you know, a photocopy of their social diary, just to give you a sense of their, you know, maybe a bank statement.

Just a sense of who they are now. But I think, I honestly think that could put me... What do you call it? I don't... I like it. I just think Venn's reunited might need a little bit of workshopping. Really? It doesn't trip off the tongue, Frank. I like the idea of that. It's a website that's practically obsolete, isn't it? Yeah. I don't think people use Vens Reunited. I mean, what are you going to call

the next one? Thigh Space? Stop basing things. Thigh Space could be my dieting. That sounds alright. Thigh be my dieting. That sounds all right. Thigh gas. Yeah. Thigh gas. Yeah. Yeah, um, well, okay. Well, you know.

I like the idea. I'm going with the concept. Are you Timberlaking me? That's what you're doing. I meant when I, actually, I mentioned the idea. When I met Mark Zuckerberg, I mentioned the idea to him, and he says, This sure is a real humdinger.

So, um... We've had a text in from 275 saying, surely it should be called The X-Files. Now, that's good. That is good, I think. But that must have been used. You think they've got a copyright on that? I think, no, I mean,

I think there must be something about Xs that's been called The X-Files. Yeah, maybe. Oh, there'll be a number of books Almost any pun. Here's my tip, never Google a pun Because someone else will have always come up with it first You didn't do that for Then's Reunited

No, I was confident with Then's Reunited That's what you've got to do You've got to go a bit left field I did something rather extraordinary this week Which I'd like to share with you all Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I did something rather extraordinary this week, which I'd like to share with you all. It's going to surprise you. It doesn't involve public transport.

OK. Because I know that normally those are my shocking anecdotes. I went on a bus, was one. I decided to go for an outdoor swim. Wow. Can you believe it? Did you go to Aledo? Yes, london oh i was slightly coerced into it i won't lie it was actually it'll be last week now i do apologize uh because it was the full moon i was celebrating the full moon

well you went at night yes oh did you think she meant in the middle of the night i assume when she said i went for an outdoor swim i assumed no nighttime swim frank in the middle of the night i just got i just got i just heard that i could hear the piano man echoing in my yeah I go walking in my sleep to the river of doubt. Okay. Anyway, thank you for that, Frank. Okay. And I wore a swimsuit.

I don't normally go for the swimsuit. More of a bikini type. Okay. But I mean, it must have been a bit cold. Oh, it was bracing. Yeah. Well, the thing I found difficult in a municipal pool was... General public.

Are we talking breaking here, or was it open? I beg your pardon? Was it open? I didn't break into a swimming pool, no. No, it was a leader. Can you break into a leader? She threw a jacket over the fence and climbed over it. Like a burglary movie.

But, you know, everyone else had, you know, a slightly threadbare towel. You know the sort of towels, I mean, where the strings are coming off a bit. No, am I lying? But hold on, I need to establish the scene. What? Was it floodlit?

Yeah, floodlit. Floodlit. Floodly, open-ass women. Lovely. It's come to this. But everyone else, Frank, had a slightly threadbare towel, the matte towel, a bit mildewy, a bit

studenty, no offence, Gerhard. This was the East Ender, wasn't it? Surely that's all the hipsters. Oh, it's posh now around there. Guess what I did? I brought a huge Joan Crawford style toweling bathrobe with a big hood. Fantastic. Went in there like a boxer.

A turban, yeah, a nice towel turban oh i love it girls look great in towel turban i did it's my favorite look i have a picture my favorite picture of my girlfriend is her sitting in a the crown, your favourite look is the banked towel on the head. You can stick your tiara. My favourite picture of my girlfriend is her sitting in a towel turban reading Roald Dahl short stories. And she looks like a hot potato. Is that a good thing? That's a good thing. I think it is in Frank's world.

But it's an enormous, you know, one of those really big towel turbans. Oh, one of the big ones. Yeah. Frank, the only problem i had was with the actual swimming because i loved the whole ceremony that went with it and i love the bracing air you go in you know was it busy yes but there are a lot of people doing lengths now i don't know about you but i like to talk quite a lot we've noticed that yeah so but this is the problem with swimming, you can't talk. No. It's a waste,

I've got too much to say. Could you wedge your megaphone in the top of your snorkel? I don't know, but I'm going to give it a go now. Certainly. It's a question I've never asked before. It's wrong now.

But you know what? I recommend it. You're just getting into the swimming thing, Frank. I think we should go together. No make-up, Frank. I don't know about swimming in the dark. I'd imagine I could drown and no one just getting into the swimming thing, Frank. I think we should go together. No make-up, Frank. I don't know about swimming in the dark. I'd imagine I could drown and no one would notice till the next morning.

No, I think they've got some kind of system in place for that. How long were you actually in the water for? 45 minutes. Oh, really? As long as that? 45 minutes. Is it a heated window? Yeah, heated.

Oh, is it? Oh, that's nice. So the steam comes off. Steam. That's nice. I think I'd off. Steam. That's nice. I think I'd have to swim in a high-vis jacket. That's the only way I'd feel calm about it. Would that be all right?

You'd just see me moving under the water like those electric eels. It's an exciting image, though, I must admit. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, you were talking about this website you wanted to set up for exes to sort of keep an eye on each other, is that right? What, Vens Reunited? I'm just plugging into this... It seems natural curiosity people have to find out what their exes from way back are doing now. You know the thing when you split up with someone, the idea that they can live without you is a constant nagging,

grudgeful itch. Oh, good. And this would solve it. There are three suggestions here. Look who's stalking. That's excellent. Who's that from? Oh, I can't remember his name. Wesley Brown. Okay. There you go. Wes Brown? Yeah, Wes Brown.

That's right, yeah. He now texts you go. Wes Brown? Yeah, Wes Brown. He plays for Man United. That's right, yeah. But he now texts this show. Matthew has suggested... It's part of his pre-match ritual. Matthew has suggested Excommunicated, which I like. That's nice. Very good. Yeah.

Friends Disenchanted, we've had, which I'm not... Oh, do you not like that? I don't know. I thought the Cockerel put a veto on on All Friends Reunited Pons. Yes, he didn't like it. I don't think it was a Vito. Felt like a Vito. Felt like a Danny DeVito.

Chris Ram has suggested, what about Binder? Binder. Like Tinder, but Binder. Bind her. Bind her. Oh, right, yeah. Oh, OK. I was thinking it was Bindaloo or something I was missing out on.

No. Yeah. Oh, that doesn't make any sense. OK, well, they're all better suggestions than mine, I'll be straight with you, but I am thinking of... What, you think they're preferable to Then's Reunited? I do like the idea of X's being called Then's, and then you can say,

and there's my now sitting over there. Yes. About your current. Yeah. Yes. It's just a thought. I'm always dabbling with the English language. Who isn't? And then maybe another one,

like a future. Oh, what do you call that? Then, now, and next. Oh, next? Oh, next? Yeah, my next wife. What do they say? Oh.

Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, it's all that. You know, people say, oh,. Yeah, my next wife. What do they say? Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you know, people say, oh, that could be the next Mrs. And then, yeah. Anyway, Moonlight Swimming. Oh, yeah. So, do you know what? I loved it. I mean, I didn't do much swimming.

I won't lie. 45 minutes is a long swim, I think. It's interesting because there are radio students that come in every day. He's moved on. To learn how to do radio. You know why he's moved on? No, I just want to say this. No, let me tell you.

He's moved on because there was an audience. No. Okay. I've moved on because Geraint. Ger. More or less called me a liar when I said students. Did he? When I said there was radio students.

What did he say? Oh, come on. He did a weird thing where he sort of stroked his chin like that. He used to go, yeah, yeah, chinny. He said, I've never seen any radio students around here. He said, I've never seen the lake. I couldn't tell what he was, he was chewing kelp. No, the students come round,

and we do feel a little bit like Guy the Gorilla in London Zoo, don't we? Well, I feel a bit. It's nice, cos they walk past our window. These are all people who are radio enthusiasts. We pay up for them, actually, Garant. I love it. We do, don't we, Frank? As you can see during this link. Yes, it is. We pick the little flies off each other. I do. I try and look a bit more Robin Williams, Good Morning Vietnam when they go past.

I do my makeup. It's a bit like when you see a police car in the rearview mirror. I try and look a bit more like I know what I'm doing. Think about it a bit more. God bless them all. They could be big stars of tomorrow. That won't be troubling me, of course. I'll be long gone.

What do you say, Mark? You say the mouthful. Someone called Ginge has suggested I'd go with Frank's for the memories. That's very specific to you. I mean, if it was your website, I suppose. Yeah, the trouble is, it's saying 10 years' time when I sell the company for an enormous amount. Yeah.

I don't think that's going to happen, let's be honest. I think it's got real potench. I reckon it'll get floated, at least. Yeah? Yeah. I think it'll get floated. Yes. So, this swimming lot,

I think I might do it again this midnight. Well, it's not midnight, but this evening swim. You're doing it tonight? No, I'm not doing it tonight. You're taking up a lot of things that I didn't think you'd like, like horse riding and midnight swimming. Oh, I love the equines! What I'd like to do is combine...

You know when the cowboys go through the river on horseback? That always looks brilliant. I'm not taking panda through East London. A panda as well now? No, no, that's my horse. You'll ride anything. That's my horse. It's very confusing, isn't it, calling a horse panda? I have actually

written a mechanised panda in Japan, but that's another story for friends only. I know, I've seen the off-air stories. Yes. I saw the tape on the internet. The tape? In the end, it was good publicity. I mean, you were horrified when it came out.

It's black and white, obviously. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio,

or email us through the Absolute Radio website. Thank you. That's OK. Very competently done. We were talking... Garant's making the tea, but is that to wait in line for the students? Yes.

Can you believe that's happened? Me, a Hall of Famer. And they just, you know, pretend. I'm shell-shocked. First the hamper and now this. It's been a tough day for me, news-wise. It's been a complete nightmare. But anyway, I'm now quite intrigued by the whole,

not just the swimming thing, but the whole idea of, you know, I haven't really tried. You're trying new things, yeah. I haven't tried any new things, like, you know, big new things. But you used to. I used to. I've gone a bit Frank Skinner 1998, I'm calling it. No, well, I did have a thing that you have to be having lessons in something at every point in your life. Yes, and I remember you saying that on your Desert Island Discs that I heard before I knew you.

And I've got a really good ukulele teacher, but he lives in the Forest of Dean. Right. Don't they all love? No, well, sorry, I wasn't thinking of you when I said that. LAUGHTER And, er, so that's, I don't, they're not regular. Right, yeah.

That's, er, it's funny, isn't it? Well, I like, you see, I like that bit, can I say, we just saw it, yeah That's, uh Well, I like, you see I like that bit, can I say, where we just saw It was like three people in a cafe It was a bit of a pause for thought, wasn't it? But there isn't enough just thinking on the radio Certainly not on this show Just a bit of, you could hear us ruminating

Yeah, I enjoyed that bit Maybe that could be the trailer Yeah Just us going... Yes! Can I tell you what I try a lot of now? Beetroot. Oh, yeah.

Never used to. I like a beetroot. Don't think it even passed my lips, because the colour had concerned me. I felt there might be staining issues. Oh, I've been along. There is definitely staining issues. I felt it was a little CBeebies

To be eating stuff like that And I actually love it It's fantastic I can't get enough of the beetroot now Frank And once you get over that initial shock When you think you've got internal bleeding Yeah After that

It's fine The country, I used to hate it I'm all over Oxfordshire now Change your mind about the countryside After that, it's fine. The country. I used to hate it. I'm all over Oxfordshire now. Change your mind about the countryside. Wow. Drive up on the motorway on my Benz. Thank you. Have you seen me rolling? They're hating.

Thank you. But sometimes you do something new. And, by the way, if there's any of our readers who've tried something they didn't think they'd like and they loved it, we'd love to hear from you yeah uh that's uh just call capital radio five number nine three eight seven six eight they'll pass it on if it's any good um i i remember then i went to uh hula hooping class oh yes oh that's impressive and i remember thinking it was great i really really and who would have thought? Who knew? It's like being Saturn.

Oh. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? It's not like being Saturn. No. It's not that good. I don't advise you try that new hobby. But it was...

I thought to myself, I'm going to do this, not every day, but five or six times a week, certainly. For the rest of your life. Yeah, I did it probably twice when I got back home and never did it again. Still got the hoop. That is a shame. Yeah, but then you had an argument on New Year's Eve with Kath about hula hooping because she wouldn't do it properly or something. Did I argue with that?

I mean, Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve isn't the time for arguing, let's face it. Yeah. Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve isn't the time for arguing, let's face it. Yeah. Do you remember I had a big argument with that guy about whether aeroplanes have a 13th row or not? Oh, it's a furious row. It's a special time of the year. I don't remember that one.

I'll tell you the thing, I've surprised myself by liking, and this will shock both of you, I think. Spending money? Hey! That would have been a turnaround that put Emilys in the shade. Yeah, I'll be honest, that one hasn't happened yet. But, um, you know, bear with. Um, motoring. And I say this as the motoring correspondent. You've always loved motoring. You love motoring! Wrong. Both wrong. Didn't pass my driving test until the age of 28. I mean, that is late, isn't it? That's embarrassing.

That's a decade after everybody else. And I, at the time, like, 18, wasn't bothered about it at all. Yeah, but they're not cheap. They're not cheap, those lessons. And now, here I am, exactly, that was part of the problem. Here I am, fully-fledged driver, fully motorcycle licence, and I'm, if I say so myself, I'm the motoring correspondent on this show, if I'm not mistaken. No, I agree with that. That one's quibbling. I came pretty close to getting the Top Gear job. Did it? No, no, no. That's an exaggeration.

Oh, well, see, you never know what's in there. And you have to keep looking. I remember the first time I... You have to keep delving around in there. This is absolutely true. I was in the Cotswolds in a place called Bishop's Cleve. I was in the Bishop's Cleve. Thanks for the tip. And a friend of mine said,

do you fancy taking the kite out? Oh. And I said, I know I'm boyish. That was not one of the gladiators that I'm familiar with. That was my friend. He's a published poet. So I listened to him. And we went out.

And it was one of those two-handed ones that you can make them, you know, you've got two handles, you can make them I'd never, even as a kid, I never flew a kite because where I lived the pollution would have dissolved the string. Mm. But you can make it dip and it was exhilarating. Absolutely

exhilarating. Yeah. Yes, fantastic. Do you know, I recommend it. I did it once for BBC Play for Today Did you? Yes My character had to fly a kite in one of my scenes Absolutely marvelous

That's brilliant What I'm going to do is I'm going to buzz you when you're swimming Just come down with a luminous kite Oh I'd love that I'm thinking the Chinese dragon. What do you think? Sorry, we were talking about ex-girlfriends.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Now. Yeah, we need to talk about Manchester City, who are... We need to talk about Manchester City. We definitely do.

Take that back. We definitely do. I love that autobiography. It's not really about Manchester City, but they have said, because they might be changing their badge. You know, they've got a badge on their football shirt. Yes, it used to be a little round thing in the old days. And they may be about to change it,

but obviously there's a certain demographic of their fan base that will have tattoos of that badge that they currently use. So they've said that they'll offer, possibly, they're considering offering free tattoo removal for the people that have got it. Yes. Isn't that a thing? They might be offering the option, isn't that a thing?

But wouldn't you want to keep... I mean, this badge, they might not like the badge. Shows you're not a glory hunter. No, but this badge represents a special time, so you'd think they'd keep it. I've got an entire West Brom replica shirt tattooed on mine. Oh, imagine if you had that bit. I've spent a fortune on removing my chest tattoos

with the current sponsors on. Albin have never offered me a penny. That is a shame. Adrian Charles has the club insignia on his eyelids. Yeah? Yeah. On the inside of his eyelids. The inside eyelids, yeah.

Why not? I noticed when he was having a nap once. He's got a personalised number plate. Has he? Has he? Always a mistake at away games. Yeah. Always a mistake at away games. Yeah. Always a mistake.

You're sitting in the ground thinking, oh, no, it's going to be upside down and on fire when I go out. I mean, I do think you raise a good point, though. If I was a Man City fan that hadn't got a tattoo, now's the perfect time to try one, isn't it? Because I could get the current badge, and then if I don't like it, then the club will pay for it removed. Whereas if I do like it because i could get the current badge and then if i don't like it then the club will pay for it removed whereas if i do like it then they get a new badge and i could get the other one why would you get that would look awful on you what are your karate friends

gonna think of that there's quite a few tattooed martial artists i bet there are i bet there aren't many that have you you haven't got any have you alan i have one but i don't know you do i never knew that do you know what i never knew that frank i don't many that have. You haven't got any, have you, Alan? I have one, but I don't... Do you? I never knew that. Do you know what... I never knew that, Frank. I don't think that's... Where is it? I don't think that's come up, actually.

I can't tell you. No, it's on my leg, but... What is it of? Why are we talking about me? Oh, I really want to know what it's of. Why are we talking about me? You can't take us that far down to Two Road. Come on.

It's a cup of tea. No, it's not. It's just a thing. Don't lie. Oh, come on. No, come on. Do you want me to show you it? Yes. I'll stick my leg in the air. Show it, show it, show it. I don't really know what to describe it as. So we'll talk about-

Oh, wow. Oh my God, Frank! I didn't think I'd this. I'm quite shocked. In a good way. It looks like a doily. Yeah, it's a doily. That's exactly what I asked for. I went in and said I'd like a doily. Yeah, it's a doily. That's exactly what I asked for. I went and said I'd like a doily on my leg. No, that's good because... That's good because... It looks like... You know when you've got a cup,

you don't know where to put it? You can... If you go into... This is hilarious. I'm actually blushing on the radio now. That's very uncommon. If you go into tree pose, the yoga thing. You know like Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull,

that thing where you cross one leg over your knee and stand on one leg. You could put that on your dog. Do you mind if I have another quick look? I'm just going to put my glasses on. Can I have another look? The cockerel's got an anti-macassar on his calf. It is an anti-macassar, there we go. Oh, do you know, it's rather special. Can we social network? Yeah, I'll be social media-ing that one. I'd rather not. Oh, do you know, it's rather special. Can we social network it? Yeah, I'll be social media-ing that one.

I'd rather not. Oh, come on. Yeah, but one of your exes might see it on Vens Reunited. It's probably covering the name of one of his exes. It looks like a cover-up one to me. Can you just put a doily over it? It's such a meanie to me. Doily birds, he calls them. He's

sexist. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 281 has texted in. Dear gang, long time reader, first time caller, I've just had my first unreservedly enjoyable conversation with a hairdresser

for the whole duration of a haircut at the age of 30. Good to know that it's never too late. No, that's good. Oh, I want to know what it was about now. I can't imagine that world. I don't think I've ever had a haircut that I found the conversation a pleasure. That's actually what puts me off going to the hairdresser. That's why sometimes I just shave my own head.

I can give you some topics to discuss. Yeah, but it's more the people... They like relationships. They love talking about relationships. I find that Mr Topper, they basically talk about being in Ibiza. Yeah. That's their main thing, which I'm interested in. I feel like...

What's the old guy named that does nature shows? Attenborough. Attenborough, yeah. I feel like him. Investigating another world. You know a few weeks ago we talked about Andy Murray cutting his own hair during the tennis match. Oh yeah. I think actually

he, like me, just dreads a conversation with a hairdresser. Do you really dread a cut? Yeah, I can't stand it. I love that conversation. The idea of small talk for perhaps 45 minutes or something. It doesn't have to be small talk. Get to know these people. You're so misanthropic.

Imagine if you do deep talk. You start talking to them about politics or religion and they hate your views and they just give you a terrible haircut. I talk to them about religion. They give me a tonsure. It's a monk haircut for you, for those of you who don't get it. For goodness sake I'm a Hall of Famer

You should come up to me Not me going down to you all the time So I was a texting But I believe we're going to sash out I'm not officially a Hall of Famer yet by the way Well are we going to announce this then? We've already mentioned it Oh yeah that's true

We're going to my What do they call Birmingham Darling it's called Yeah, what do they call? Birmingham Darling, it's called. Yeah, but what do you get done? That's none of your business. You're not inaugurated. What is it? You get inducted.

Inducted, that's what I knew. It was something to do with electricity. We're going to Birmingham. I have no idea whether I'm giving Adrian Charles a lift. If you're listening, can you call me, please? We can't use this as a sort of a texting service it's not snapchat well done for

knowing that darling no I only knew because Catherine Ryan told me this very week absolute absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio I had began an email. I'm going to start it again. Do you want your jingle again or are you not sure where you are?

No, let's get straight to the meat of the issue. The whole thing. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. What's the whole thing? Let's not get into that. It's a downward spiral, isn't it? Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Don't worry.

Your tattoo's a downward spiral. Don't worry. I'm not going to mention the ballet link. That's not helping, is it? Oh, that was a terrible... They brought up the ballet link! That was a terrible link that we did last week. I did a link last week, which was so tedious. And I'm taking full blame. I mean, it was mainly me. It was so tedious. It was 100% humour free. It was so tedious, a link.

It was awful. I can't tell you. I've had two offers from LBC this week to have a show. That's how bad it was. You've had two, two offers. Two, two offers for the ballet link. Two, two. That's very good.

Now, that is very good. It's all right being sniffy. I'm sorry, but if you're a comic... I mean, if we'd done a two, two joke last week... You're coming out with material, and someone responds, Frank, that's very good. How would you feel about that, honestly? I'd be happy with that on this show.

I like the opening of the sentence, if you are a comic. Like, there's still doubt. I like to think I keep you in your place sometimes. I continue. Short-term reader and first-time writer here, I was in Birmingham the other night, and on my expedition, I stumbled upon

the Birmingham Walk of Fame. I saw the stars of several... Yes, I stumbled on it quite a lot. Legends! Sorry. Sorry, Alan. I saw the stars of several Birmingham legends, including Jeff Lynne and Roy Wood. However, I was disappointed not to see the star of Frank Skinner.

I just wondered if you do have a star on the Walk of Fame and indeed whether you have any entertaining, brackets or otherwise, close brackets, anecdotes relating to it, in keeping with the theme of your show. All the best, Sam. P.S. I'm a younger reader and I know you were interested to know if you had any, so here's your proof. Doesn't say how young.

Also, Emily is hot. Do you know I love Sam? I was just thinking I'll open the window. It's not a problem. What a nice chap. Does sound nice, doesn't it? Can I give him a piece of advice, though? It's not a good idea to identify an anecdote up front.

You know, have you got any anecdotes? Yes, he has one. You have to let people think it's going to be an ordinary conversation and it blossoms into a... Like a clown reaching for a pocket thinking, what's this going to be, a handkerchief, a pencil? And here comes a bouquet of flowers. That's how it should be.

Not when they're Northampton clowns, is it? It's not when people say, oh, you'll love this. Yeah. The pressure? I always say, well, I'll be the judge of that. And then it's a tense moment. Do you know what I mean? Where is your star?

My star? Well, I'm not... It used to be outside of... It was Flair's nightclub, wasn't it? Wasn't that where Noddy Holder's star was? No, you were Flair's nightclub. Was I? OK. I don't know where my star is now

because I don't think Flair's nightclub exists anymore, so I don't know how to identify it. But it is there. This is how you break it to me. It is there. Have a look next week. As for the anecdotes, it was a largely uneventful day. So...

Well, that's nice. You had lunch with us. Thanks a lot. There's a contender for the ballet link. I know there was something that happened. We had a lovely time that day. There was something that happened and just for, what's his name? Melvin.

Sam. Sam. It's a very fine line. Melvin, Sam. I'll tell you something that happened. Let's see what we can make out of it. We'll workshop something with you Sam just for your young enthusiasm Absolute Radio

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio No! Oh I wish I'd got a jingle that went barely an anecdote Someone will make it when you're using that now Oh, I wish I'd got a jingle that went, Barely an anecdote. Someone will make one using that now. Oh, don't worry.

My prediction is they won't. So, yes, when I got the Birmingham Star of Fame, I had to judge a new comedians contest as part of the thing. And my sister, all my family came to, but Annaura is quite, she doesn't like the swearing. No. And the rudeness. No, she doesn't.

She doesn't like that. And, you know, these were new comedians. Annaura was sitting at the back, and they were, you know. With me, actually. I couldn't look over my shoulder. It was a colourful language. I know, it was colourful.

Yeah, there was some... Yes, there was some rude remarks. And it reminded me of when my brother had a video recorder. He had one of the first video recorders I saw. Peter Marks. It was... You'd have got it in this studio. You'd have had to have took a wall down.

It was a massive thing. And he went away on holiday and he asked us if we'd look after it because he didn't want to leave it in the house because it was such a prime target for thieves. The thieves with a removal van. And so I went to the local video shop. There was only one.

And I hired... I thought I'd hire a weepy to watch with my parents something sad. So I got Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep. Oh, that's a weepy? Yes. I didn't know that. But what I did know is there's a great deal of physical

references and swearing. So I sat down and they started, they used all the, I mean mean as Elvis once said I sure hate to hear cuss words on the lips of a woman and it was a bit like that and I was so embarrassed

in front of my parents and I was probably 25 or something I was so embarrassed I just walked out I said I'm sorry I can't cope with this and I walked out the room and I just went into my room upstairs and shut the door and sat. And when I went into the fetal position, I was in such a state of embarrassment.

Extraordinary family. And after a bit, there was a knock on the door. And I thought, oh, no, please. And it was my mum. And I said, well, what is it? And she said, can you come down? And I said, I can't go back down there. And she says, come on, because your dad doesn't know how to switch it off.

And over her shoulder, I could hear swearing and all that coming up from the thing. And when I went down, my dad was wrestling with it, trying to get this horrible filth out of our house that I'd brought in, the virus that I'd brought in. And so that's what it reminded me of. So there you are, Sam. There's an anecdote for you. He's done an anecdote.

Put that in your anecdote pipe and smoke. I happen to like that anecdote. Well, there you go. There you go. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Flair's nightclub is apparently now called Pop World and the floor is still sticky and there's always a puddle at the bottom of the stairs. Yeah, that's me. Well, I won't be visiting there on next week. I got a commemorative puddle instead of an actual star for all the ones I'd left on that street in the past.

OK, well, thank you all for listening today. Thank you, Grant. Geraint. Geraint, thank you all for listening today. Thank you, Grant. Grant. Grant, thank you for joining us. Oh, he's gone loud now, Frank. He's gone quite loud. Yes. Back to the O.C.'s show with him on Monday.

Yes. Yes. OK, so thank you. What does that mean? Frank, this is a really unprofessional way to end the show. Am I ending the show? Okay. Well, if the good Lord spares well, well. You just say

the goodbye. I'll never say goodbye. Anyway. It's a terrible ending. It's so downbeat, Frank. It's the worst possible ending. Oh, for goodness sake. I don't want to go. I can't get out. I'm trapped. How are we going to get out? Why don't Alan and I do the ending? Okay, you say. Yeah, you goodness sake. I don't want to go. I can't get out. I'm trapped. How are we going to get out? Why don't Alan and I do the ending? Okay, you say.

Yeah, you do it. Okay, Alan. One, two, three. No, just do it, because it'll be in a sulk otherwise. Okay, come on. If the good Lord spares us and the creeps don't rise,

we'll see you next week. You've forgotten how to get out. Now get out. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.