The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Thingles

Episode Date: June 10, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is back and is joined by Gareth and Emily. The team discuss the all things General Election, including Corbyn's high five fail, the naughtiest thing Teresa May has ever done and of course Lord Buckethead.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards is with us this morning. Good morning. My dear, dear friend. Welcome back, Frank. Thank you so much. It's been special. Thank you so much.

It's been special. And I have to say some things, don't I? If you want to text the show, you can do so on 81215. That's the number. 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning, guys. OK, so...

How have you been? We missed you. Yeah, i've been on a i tell you what i went to walking i went on a walking holiday um the sussex towns oh i love the downs oh man what a patchwork quilt it is and also the joy if i may say so at uh it's early in the morning, the joy of spontaneous urination. You know, you just want one, you have one. Oh, it's like being an animal. Yeah. Is that what you do on walking holidays? Yes.

Are you sure it's called walking holidays? Yeah, definitely. You just, because, you know, so often we timetable that process. You think, well, I'll have one before I go out and all that. When you get to work, you think, I'll have one before I set me up. You just walk in and you just think, oh, you know what? I need one now. And you just do it.

When you say you need one now, though, I mean, you go into the bushes. It doesn't just happen. I look towards the bushes. Yeah, but often there's nobody about, you see. Oh, I miss that. I, you see. I miss that. I must say, already I miss it. It took me a bit of a while to re-acclimatise.

I'd find that hard. I paid them off. Did you have a couple of misfires? I'll tell you what, I'd like to start in with a text in this morning at 12.15. Do people ever tidy a farm? Tidy a farm?

Every farm we went past. They're a mess. They are. What a mess they are, farms. They're a hot mess. I mean, abandoned vehicles, machines. You don't even know what the machine is, but rusted. To be fair, you were outside Lotto Lout's house.

No. But now I know what you mean. There's always hay everywhere. Well, you expect that. Expect a bit of hay. An excrement I can live with on a farm. But there's just, there's things, I tell you what, there's abandoned projects. Yeah. There's things they were going to do and they thought, oh, he can't be bothered with that and they even

say that on the Sussex Downs but if there's any farmers or anyone with any sort of farm associations I'd love to know, does anyone say I tell you what, we'll have a bit of a sprit we'll tidy up the yard today get the cleaners in I guess if you've got a lot of land and something goes a bit of a sprinkle. Tidy up the yard today. Get the cleaners in. No, they don't. I guess if you've got a lot of land and something goes a bit wrong,

you can just start somewhere else. Well, that's it. It's like having a really, really big bedroom. Or like living in Hampton Court or something. I mean, you just think, oh, I'll leave that mess. That's what happened with the wives. Leave that mess in that room. No, we'll offer that.

Move on to a new one in another room. Yeah, i once looked at a house that a couple had lived in and the bloke the woman had left the bloke and he put the house legend yeah he put the house on the market and there was like plates on the table with food i mean yeah he that was it with him there was a swimming pool yes there was a swimming pool and it was green I mean he had literally walked out of that house

and put it on the market a farmer bought it apparently but it was alright but really they must have a day let's have a day today I suppose if you've got animals

you can't say we'll have a tidy day today why they don't get fed or yeah they're all onto themselves yeah also I suppose if you've got animals, you can't say, we'll have a tidying day today. Why don't they get fed or... Yeah. Well, they have it all onto themselves. Yeah. Also, here's a question.

I don't expect our readers to know this, but maybe the producer will know the answer. Daisy. We were walking and we came across an enormous radio mast. Uh-huh. Which was, you know... Oh! Where's our mast?

Have we got a mast? We've got to have a mast, haven't we, if you're a radio? If you know where our mast is... Can anyone hear us? But we've got to have a mast. Is this one of those Capricorn One things where this is all a joke? I mean, not actually broadcasting to anyone. No, that's why no one ever mentions it.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I believe we have mast news. Oh, we found our mast. Your mast, this is from 191. Your mast is in Crystal Palace Transmitting Station. I know. I used to work there.

That's Owen from Edenbridge. He worked at the mast. Just off to the mast today. So what does he do there? Polish it? What's the job at the mast? 993 has said mast is at Crystal Palace. Bounce from Telecom Tower. Bounce from the... I mean, just think about this.

This is awesome. Me saying this now is bouncing off the telecom. It's like billions. Yeah. Off the telecom tower. It hits the mast at Crystal Palace. Well, 613 says, I take that back. It's cable to regional. Take that back.

It's cable to regional masts. And then he said, duh, Nick. Oh, does that mean his line went dead? I don't know. It might be German. Yeah, it could be. He's just going to say something else.

He cut off. It's a misspelling. He meant to say hair Nick. He said, duh, Nick. Sorry, Nick. Well, sorry I didn't know that. I'm a creator. I'm art and crafts.

I'm not the mast side of things. We have people in overalls looking after the mast, I'm guessing. We had one this morning. Yeah, we had an engineer in this morning. Lovely. I think we should discuss the general election. The what? I know.

I don't know if there's people saying, oh, I'm sick of the general election, but we'll do it in offbeat fashion. Yeah, we will. Well, I saw there was a vote. Whoa. There was, did you see that Katie Price Instagrammed about the general election. She said

so sick of hearing about the Labour Party, Conservative Party everybody knows there ain't no party like an S Club party. Excellent. I think that's quite decent material. Yeah, I do. You know what, I'm having that. People were very angry

about it. Were they? You know, people get very angry about things on the internet. Oh, people get angry about it. Were they? You know, people get very angry about things on the internet. Oh, people get angry about it. It's all right for people such as Katie Price to joke, but for the average Joe Bloggs... Yeah. Saying that, you know. Sexist.

Making points about... Joe with an E, I bet. Sexist. Shut your gob, Katie. You disgust me. You are my idol, but not anymore. Abusive. And fickle.

I mean, from idol to shut your gob is quite... Talk about a swing to the Labour Party. There's nothing on the swing that's got to do with Katie Price in that person's house. My goodness. Well, one of the main takeouts from the evening was... I didn't get a takeout. Well, one of the, I think one of the main takeouts from the evening was... I didn't get a takeout. Well, I'll tell you what it was.

It was people thanking the police, as far as our show was concerned. Can I say there is a tradition on this show? A man told me that he was in a stage show in the West End that was going so badly. And the audience were dying away from him so badly that he suddenly stopped

the show and asked for a round of applause from the police just to wake them up. And they all applauded. Well, my timeline was littered with them. I had John Van Ville saying, Corbyn doing the Frank Skinner classic, let's hear it for the police.

And apparently Theresa May thanked the police. See, it's cut right across. See, it's cut right across. Oh, it's cut right across. Vince Cable, I bet he doesn't need a mast. Oh, well. Oh, I'll tell you what I have got. Yeah, go on.

Whatever happened to you? Those cars with the loudspeakers on the top. Oh, yeah. They used to get on polling day. I mean, did anyone have one in their area? I haven't seen one. No.

Certainly, well, there wasn't one in this election for us. There was a primitive campaigning. It just said, vote Conservative, vote Labour. Yeah, citizens of... I always imagined they said that, but that was in sci-fi films where people had to be evacuated because there were giant ants coming out of the hill. But yeah, they would just shout stuff like,

Vote Labour! It's like someone's giving pass and thinking, oh, that's a good idea. And you know what? I wasn't going to, but your argument was so persuasive. To be honest, when I heard that said at the normal volume, it never really affected me. But hearing it slightly amplified and distorted like that,

that's exactly what I'm going to do. And if someone's gone to the lengths of souping up their car to make a political point, they're committed to that point. Well, do you do that, though? Do you get a car and think, I'm going to put a loudspeaker? Or can you buy a loudspeaker car if i looked at what car um obviously wouldn't have to say what car because it was so loud you'd have heard it the first time could i buy a loudspeaker car could i go out now and buy a

loudspeaker car this is frank skinner, Absolute Radio. You were asking about those cars, vehicles with loudspeakers on them. Yes. And Alison Battier said, a loudspeaker Vote Labour car drove past a pub in NW6 in London on Thursday. Ah. Did it say anything? Well, I don't know. She's unclear. Yeah, I saw one the other day. It didn't even speak.

say anything? Well, I don't know. She's unclear. Yeah, I saw one the other day. Didn't even speak. But 095 said, had a loudspeaker car in Smethwick for the recent mayoral election. Oh, they do still exist then. They used to be absolutely part and parcel. I'll tell you what, what incredible, if

someone had said to me 20 years ago, right, in 2017 there's going to be an election, what do you think will still be popular? The loudspeaker car, which then was in its pomp. Yeah. The loudspeaker car or the rosette. I would have said, no, the rosette will be gone.

The rosette's already gone out of football. In fact, I can't, off the top of my head, I can't think of another context where you see a rosette on a human being. You only ever see them on animals. Animals and politicians. Or the supporters of politicians. But the rosette... Do people ever wear them?

Oh, yeah, they still see those. Yeah, they're still... I saw Vince Cable in one on the television the other night. Maybe vegetables at a fair. Might put a rosette on a vegetable. Yeah, exactly. Vegetable, okay, I'll give you that. Animal, vegetable, politician.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. But a lot of very wonderful moments in the election. I like the tone. It was very, it was a regional one show. I liked it. Jeremy Corbyn high-fiving Emily Thornberry. Yes, did you see that?

I did, yes. In slow motion? It wasn't high enough, the five, it turned out. Also, he was high-fiving, she was pointing. I know. And he went to high-five her extended finger. I know what he did, Frank. That could have been terrible.

That could have left him with political stigmata if she got sharp nails. It was so... What if he'd broke her finger? What if he'd just slapped it on the end and broke it? Well, I think that would have been infinitely preferable to what actually happened, which I don't even want to discuss.

It makes me feel so ill. He got a right in the thornberry. I couldn't tell if he actually went all the way to a boob. Or if he stopped. Because we needed a camera that was side-eye. And he went all the way. It's like when they're trying to work out if a player dived or not. You often, to see if there's actual contact, you need another angle.

There was deep impact there. I think he made contact, but it was like touching a hot plate or something where he pulled it back so fast that it was like... We've all done it. Yeah. You have. Yeah, I have.

And you know, it's like, Jeremy, you're supposed to be beating the right wing, not the right breast. And it was the right breast. It was the right breast. See that joke, so neat. It's like a little envelope.. And it was the right breast. It was the right breast. I mean, that's such a clever... See, that joke's so neat. It's like a little envelope. Yeah, it was.

It is. It is. It's like a samosa. Neatly folded up with the contents there. I always wonder if the manufacturers of samosas... I think of them as Indian, but maybe... I think they are, aren't they maybe it goes right across the ocean. Do they use a ruler?

Because they're so neat. They are such a neat... Is it a sort of isosceles triangle, the samosa? Text in on 81215. Now you've asked. I wouldn't know an answer like that. Isosceles? Maybe they get trigonometry involved.

Do they have to... I want... They're mathematicians. Sokotoa. I wore one on holiday once. Well, someday, I think. involved, do they have to be scientific calculators? They're mathematicians. I wore one on holiday once while sunbathing. I just wore one. I just did Somoza on an elastic band. You know, for the all-over town.

I know that. I wore three once. Same reason. I think I was in Formosa. That was a weird... I think that's where I got the idea from, looking back. Absolute. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 3, 2, 7, you get rosettes on The Bride to Be on Hen Nights.

Do you really? You see, I try not to look. No, because... Yeah, no, they're never in a suitable place. They're always on the Thornberries, aren't they? You don't want to look on the Thornberries, Frank. No, it'd be good if they become the Thornberries. Nice pair of Thornberries.

Well, talking of Thornberries, didn't the Miss World contestants have them on the Thornberries, on the cosy? Oh, mate, no, they have sashes, don't they? Oh, you're right, Frank, you're so right. Oh, I wish the political supporters would wear sashes. That would be great. I thought of something else.

It could be like a word that comes out of the election. So somebody says, oh, God, my Thornberry's like to get a sports bra. Or the fact that UKIP didn't win any seats at all. I wonder if you could start, because the leader was Paul Nuttall, if you could start saying, oh, I've got Nuttall. What about sweet Nuttall? Yeah, absolutely Nuttall. I had a lot that was Nuttall there.

Because people do go into the language, don't they, names like that? Can you think of an example of something that's gone into the... The Malapropism, for example, based on Mrs Malaprop. Yeah, I know. We'll think of one, Frank. But in the meantime, I'd like to discuss Lord Buckethead. He's another one. The Bucket, I think, was named... Was that named after him? I don't know if I got my chronology right.

So tell me about Lord Buckethead. Well, he stood at... He's literally a character. You're a fan of his work, Gareth, aren't you? Yeah, no, I think he's got some excellent policies. On his manifesto. Did you know he's actually got a manifesto? The only thing that let him down,

we should say he was standing... There's always the joke candidate. He's one of these... He's in the tradition of... I think the grandmasters of the joke candidate. He's one of these. He's in the tradition of I think the grand masters of the joke things are the monster raving loony party. And every election

I'm always amazed that in the age of political correctness you can be called the monster raving loony party. And also that they're because they're not campaigning for men's mental health are they? No. They really are not. Basically they're foolish. I for men's mental health, are they? No, they really are not. Basically, they're foolish.

I also like that they found their look in 1974 with the top hat and the slight perm. It was Screaming Lord Such, of course, who was at the centre when they started. But it looked like someone from Birmingham in 1974 and they've stayed with that. Well, I saw Screaming Lord Such live. Name dropper.

And when I saw him, his hit, it wasn't quite a hit, but it was like his famous song, was called Hands of the Ripper. And it was a song about Jack the Ripper. Charming. And he was carried, I was about 13 when I saw him

and he was carried on stage in a white coffin by four topless women i mean there's thornberries everywhere you look rosettes and for a 13 year old boy that was it was really quite a moment and i remember he did his song hands of the rip you know the people do a song and then they they do a little bit of banter after it yeah and he said um he finished Hands of the Ripper and he said, I wish Jack the Ripper was alive today. They were simpler times.

Charmant. Yeah, exactly. He saw him as sort of a folk hero. Can you imagine if a politician said that now? We didn't even think it was that. I mean, looking back, it was like perhaps the most outrageous thing

I've ever heard said at the time I think there was a bunch of teddy boys that gave him a round of applause I mean it's ridiculous as well he'd be very old but maybe that's it if Dobby she was alive today he might be a bit nicer he'd have mellowed he'd have mellow. I would have thought.

Oh, my goodness. I think Mr. Buckethead, when it comes... Lord Buckethead, please. I think Lord Buckethead is a pale imitation. Oh, I don't know. There was a really... No, no, no. A pale...

A pale... Oh, OK. There we go. Oh, fine. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank, we were discussing names that have gone into the common vernacular. Yes, Thornberrys.

Now that we've decided Thornberrys and... And the fact that we've got not all else to put into that bucket. MK Knight has suggested it's all gone a bit Pete Tong. Oh, well, that is a classic example. It's the classic, isn't it? Absolute classic example. There's none better. I mean, it is slightly different, if I'm going to be picky.

OK. It's actually rhyming slang in a way that Thornberry's and not all isn't. Oh, yeah. OK, well done. The old Ron pick-up on that one. Yes. Now, Frank, also, we were discussing off-air,

we got into a conversation about top hats rather serially. Yeah. Well, you led it very well. I know, but I am quite obsessed by the fact that top hats had a resurgence in the 70s. Was that when the Monster Rave in Looney? I think of them as late 60s. But certainly Lord Such favoured a top hat.

Everyone had bad teeth. It was that point in time, basically. And Noddy Holder wore top hats. In the 70s. Mark Bolan had a top hat. Why the obsession? I think Alice Cooper. Yeah.

Slash. Slash bringing it. Better hurry up, though. Yeah. See, if we're on a country walk. I'd have one in me top hat. See how I brought the themes together. No, I

don't know now that one do you, I occasionally, I think quite recently I saw an ordinarily dressed bloke in a bowler hat. Yeah. He just had like a normal suit on and stuff and a bowler hat, no tie. And he'd obviously thought to himself, I'm going to be in a self-styled colourful character.

Yeah. But you've got to go, to wear a top hat, is there anyone who unironically wears a top hat now? Because you see them at ascot and weddings. Well, yes, you see them jauntily at an angle. But is there anyone who's just going out the house and grabs the top hat off the hat stand and puts the top hat on? I was in Camden Town yesterday.

Oh, yeah. And there was, I would say... You're one of the no-feel things. There was a 13-year-old boy and he was wearing a top hat and then on the top hat were like flying glasses if i was in camden town and i saw a 13 year old boy in my top in a top hat i would assume he was part of a pickpocketing gang artful dodger loved a top hat oh man he lived for a top hat yeah there was a certain they were it was the sort of glam rock there was a romanticism i think attached to them whereas

less so now i mean you get the old pussycat doll wearing them with a tut glam rock, there was a romanticism, I think, attached to them. Whereas less so now. I mean, you get the old pussycat doll wearing them with a tutu. See, if I was a Tory candidate, I would wear a top hat. I just, you know, sometimes you've just got to embrace the stereotype. If the hat fits. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, back to the... I'll tell you what, an interesting thing that happened in the space of seven days.

Peter Sallis died. Oh, I know, yeah. And Nick Clegg lost his seat. Double Clegg disaster. Yeah. What about that? What's the chances of that? Well, Frank... Probably the two most famous Cleggs, would you say, in British popular culture?

Cleggs? In the same week in British popular culture? Cleggs? In the same week. Yeah, he was Clegg, wasn't he? Oh, I see, yes. Oh, yes. Weird. Supernatural. Phone Arthur C. Clarke.

It's like a coincidence. Right. You're all looking a bit distressed. No, it's the omens. I'll tell you what, I'm just reluctant. Is anyone called Clegg listening now? They're thinking, oh, no. I'm reluctant to do a this morning style insensitive gear

change but someone has asked uh someone said i enjoyed frank's ali documentary has he had work done um no you haven't worked on well i had uh i had a bit of stuff done in the kitchen recently but we've been no my i haven't had any i haven't had no botox no work done people keep thinking you've had work done isn't that lovely that's because well they can and what they don't want to accept is that you look a bit younger if you don't drink smoke or do drugs and that is not the reason they want to hear um i think it'll all happen in one so i'll wake up one morning and i'll look oh i think it all happens in one big go you know when you wake up one more and you think oh that's the creases from the

bed clothes on my face and then two hours later you're thinking those creases are holding on it's just when people say you look tired and you go no this is pretty much me now by the way isn't bed clothes a fabulous thing The idea of getting a bed and then dressing it in clothes. And then wrapping yourself up in its clothes. Yeah, I'm going to get an enormous shirt for my bed. I need to go to the same shop for my mattress that SpongeBob SquarePants goes to. I know there'll be stuff that fits.

Very large square pants for your mattress. Or Maradona must go to the same shop. Anyone who's square... Scott Parker, he's quite square. It's a rectangle, I suppose, isn't it, a mattress? Yeah. You don't normally get a square mattress. That'd be a decision to make, wouldn't it?

Every night you think, ooh, which way? What about a circular mattress waterbeds are often that way circular mattress well i've been on a few waterbeds in my time have you really yeah i've never been on if you had a circle i've led a colorful life right say if you had if you if you were um in a sort of a, at a frivolous party. Yeah. And you had a circular bed, you could have it like one of those lazy Susans. Yeah.

And spin it round to the next, I think we'd better move on. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you who I always get rather obsessed by on election night, Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you who I always get rather obsessed by on election night, because it's their big Martine McCutcheon moment, is the returning officer. Oh, yeah, they love it.

Oh, they love it. I mean, they are quite frightening characters, I think. I wouldn't want to live next door to one. I felt sorry for the woman at Newcastle, because they had a mad race to be the first result. And then... The sound system was all over the place. And Dimble Bubble lost it. Yeah, I can't hear what's going on.

Oh, yeah, he's all right in his BBC studio. It's like a Boy Scout hall in Newcastle. What do they expect the sound system to be like? I know. What about they kept showing the clip of the girl running with a box? Yeah. Where there are people dressed in sports kit

and then they're running with the box as fast as they can. That's the election equivalent of the jumping up and down with the A-level results, isn't it? Young girl with a box. I know, I know. But old Tim was so unsympathetic. Why aren't the first results in London, where they have proper sound

systems? What I love about Dimble Bubble is he's becoming a bit of a grumpy old man and he doesn't care. So he's just a bit, you know, snappy, which I quite like. I've worked nights in the past, right? I think it sounds like you're a minor. When I had proper jobs.

Oh, OK. And a lot of people work nights. They go on about being up all night, one night in five years, as if it's like climbing Everest. Yes, we've been here all night. So what? So get on with your job. I don't have to know.

Don't tell me about your hours. Tell me about the election. Honestly, so heroic. I've done one night shift in five years. Good, as Emily would say. Go on. Good for you. Exactly.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards. Good morning. You can text our show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. So I felt like, I don't know about you, but I felt like the turning point of the election was when they asked Theresa May what the naughtiest thing she ever did was.

Yeah. It was... She has come out and said that she was a goody-two-shoes as a child. Oh, yeah, it's all right for her. She had two shoes. That's what Corbyn probably said. Showing off how she had to get that in,

how many shoes she had. Typical. I bet they were leopard print. She likes a leopard print heel. Oh, she likes very ornate and colourful shoes. Well, it's a bit sort of entry-level saucy, if I want. It's a bit, oh, chocolate body paint on the way home. Get those leopard print heels out as well.

Oh, yeah. I find it a bit Route 1, if I'm honest. Baby doll nightie. Well, she said she was a bookish child. Yeah. Rectangular. Yeah. She should go to my mattresses, though, Clowchop.

Does she have one of those square belts, then? Like SpongeBob? And she, I mean, she floundered. They're supposed to be prepared for any question, and she really struggled to say. I don't know if it was that she was flicking through in her mind all the truly terrible things she did. What if she'd come up, you remember when they did it

on I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here and they were all saying things like, well, you know I put salt in my mum's tea. And Sean Ryder said I set the school on fire. Oh, arson, I think, has tromps all the other naughty things. So, Teresa... Yes, but she said, and I'll...

I think it should have been, I called a snap election. Yeah, that's the naughtiest. Imagine if she'd have gone for that. I know all sorts of people listen to this show, vote for all sorts of parties, and I respect your choice. People have spoken. But surely, even if you're a Conservative, people listen to this show vote for all sorts of parties and i respect your choice but surely even if you're a conservative if you're a student of comedy something about court calling election

and then it going wrong you have to see that come on guys you've got to see the funny side by the way i've i i got i confused a lot of i saw people looking at me a bit strange every time I met... I realised I'd started in an old bloke sort of way, calling it a flash election. She called it a flash election. I'd forgotten what it was called. Snap election. Well, they just make these phrases up.

I forgot, so I was saying... One of these new flash elections. The things with the flash election. Two or three people just giving me that sort of... And you know when you're too old to correct because they think it's the beginning

of something bad. Yeah, they just think we'll leave it. I can remember having someone on this show who didn't know what Brexit was. Oh!

Who was that? Ouchie! I think that was quite early in the day. No, it wasn't. It was quite early, quite early in the day. It really wasn't. But what she early in the day. It really wasn't.

When it come down to it, you knew not all. Anyway, her thing was... She said, or she said, oh, goodness me, I suppose. Oh, gosh, well, I don't know. Oh, I suppose I better think. Think, think, think, think. Guys, can I say what she said as a rant which made me almost vomit

well I don't think anybody has ever perfectly behaved have they I didn't like that she said I have to confess when me and my friend sort of used to run through the fields of wheat well the farmers weren't too pleased about that.

No. Yeah, like they care about tidiness. They probably didn't notice. Never got over there. I've been building that. Is it a water pop? I've got lots of rusty screws. She was lucky she wasn't severed by an abandoned combine harvester.

Exactly. Once you get rost, she'd die. They couldn't get her to a tetanus injection in time. Oh, God. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio Can I say, I predicted that this election would be a shocker. Did you? On Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain, the very first episode. Wow. When I said, I said everyone's thinking it's a foregone conclusion, but nowadays with Trump and Brexit, and I think my other example was Boaty McBoatface. Boaty McBoatface.

No one saw that coming. And it's been a bit of a Boaty McBoatface election. And about Boaty McBoatface. And like an about-fass. Oh, I see, yeah. That could be another thing like that. Oh, yeah, Boaty McVault-fast. That would sound clumsy in its essence, though.

Yeah, you're right. But she... I'm trying. Yeah. I'm just doing my best. I don't know why it wasn't going to be so. Was there any point when you thought that it might actually, that Labour might win or something?

That would be that shocking. It never looked like that, did it? No. Because when I saw Jeremy Corbyn punching the air outside Labour HQ, I thought... Made a change from the Thornberries. Yeah, exactly. He's probably reaching for a Thornberry.

He knows what he's trying to do. I mean, the guy's punching everything. Hands all over the place, like an octopus. Can I just say he's not? It was a mistake. He did well, but I didn't think it was a sort of a punch the ear. Well, it was because she called it, I suppose, wasn't it? And it seemed like she was supposed to do better.

Mm, surely. Mrs May. I know that. She was supposed to do better surely i know i know that she was supposed to do but improve but yes no it was yeah but also i think we've been starved from positive things i think it seemed like all hope oh no i can understand it just seemed to be a subtext of yes despite me yes we did that and it's like he's joining in a bit, that it's kind of unbelievable. And I think he should have... He should be a bit cooler about it. He should return a bit more.

I'm a great politician. I knew that would do well. What are you talking about? And he's got the kids voting. Oh, the kids. It's all about the pesky kids. You can't win anything with kids. Not true. Au contraire. He was right. He was right back then.

Not in this case. Well, he didn't actually win it. No. But, yeah, the trouble is, the next election, unless this crumbles, it'll be five years' time, all those kids will be voting Tory. Yeah. Five years older.

When people get older. Oh, God. Well, speak for yourself. So I was nice to see him happy. My one problem, really, with Jeremy Corbyn is that I can't... A Marxist who doesn't like missiles is such a missed opportunity because I thought if he got in, we could have some really great May Day parade.

And I love it. God, I love a missile on a truck. It's so, I mean, I know. It's you and your Russian romanticism. I know. This is what you like. You want that music playing. It's such a shame, though, that he's got all the other tools

and he doesn't like the big missiles. I know, it's not. I mean, I don't mind if they're blanks. Can you get blanks? You can still embrace, I think he's still quite Cold blanks. Can you get blanks? You can still embrace... I think he's still quite Cold War chic, though, with the clothes and things. Yeah, but you've got to frighten the capitalists.

That's part of it. They're not scared of... Well, they're scared of sharing, but... I'll tell you what I didn't like. And, I mean, I... It's all right, sorry. I always vote Labour, and we got... Where I I am it was Tulip Sadiq and she got in with a massively, massively bigger thing. Actually, politicians with flowers in their names, 8, 12, 15.

Oh, that's good. I'm in a Labour stronghold, Gareth. No, are you? No, I'm not. Bournemouth is conservative to the core. I'll tell you what I didn't like. I didn't like him and Fallon from the Lib Dems, Jeremy and Fallon, both said that she should resign. Oh, she should definitely resign.

It's a bit like, you know when a footballer does a foul and one of the other footballers mimes holding up a red card to the referee, and you think, oh no, they're trying to get him sent off. Mind your own business. I don't think you should be trying to put... Don't rub their noses in the mess. Yeah, I don't want a socialist leader who's trying to put people out of work. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

I thought there was a very Shakespearean moment before the election. Oh, lovely. A bit like Macbeth, where one of the... Someone's phone. Come on, get your phones off. I mean, what's going on? It wasn't me. I think it was you.

It wasn't me. Right. Quite shaggy. Yeah. Anyway. OK. it wasn't me alright quite shaggy yeah anyway okay one of the players in the drama to come

visited a soothsayer in Portsmouth was it Bojo Boris Johnson Bojo visited a soothsayer and went to a fortune teller yes

he did in Plymouth and can I say? That well-known fortune-telling area. There is a sweet logic to that. Because what they do, they get a lot of political experts on the telly for the election run-up and then ask them to make predictions.

Why not get some people where predictions is their business? And then, you know, I know they might miss out on the political side of things, but it's just they always, it's like the flip side of politician expert people doing predictions. So this is a, he went to a predictor, which is fair enough. And he was asking what the prediction was going to be. And there was a man and a lady, wasn't it? It was a Cora, as I think it was called. The man had a black polo neck and something which I particularly always love,

which is bald head with shades resting on the bald head. Oh, yeah, like Kermit the Frog. I'm worried that you don't get the full coverage with that, though. He really needs quite a few pairs to cover the whole area. I'd love to see it I'd love it when I think the hotness those people that used to

on the black market sell their watches a bloke with about nine pairs of Ray-Bans across a bald head but I just worry when they're steel frames

the hotness on the pate can I tell you something I'm I have I've missed out on baldness I'll be honest with you

you're really lucky you've still got a lovelyness. I'll be honest with you. You're really lucky. You've still got a lovely thap. If I was bald and I did the thing with the shades on, I'd go out with the shades on my head, but before I went out, I'd get a friend who was an artist to paint two really good eyes underneath them so that when I took the shades off, there was two eyes on the top of my head. I just

think that would be a great moment. I think that for bald people they don't always use it as much as they could for comedy. Well I think sometimes there's shame and there shouldn't be. Yeah. I've lived next door to some bald people and they were very nice people. I'd like, you know when you see a bald... I've got friends who are bald.

When you see a bald... Oh no, I don't go that far. When you see a bald person in a beanie hat, see, I would take that off, say, on the boss, and I'd have had a decoration on the top, make it look like a big thornberry. Anyway. So, Boris... I'm worried about, by the way,

that the psychic people were called a Cora. Yeah. Yes, I mean, come on. the psychic people were called Okora now this has got an element of southern fried chicken to me somebody who thought let's get a name so they think they're getting a bit of television psychic are they jumping on the bandwagon

or maybe they're part of the prestigious Okora family the Okora dynasty. I wonder whether, I think there might have been an extra C, or maybe one less. They've changed the spelling slightly. Oh, that's Shania Twain. Yes. It's Kelvin Classics all over again. They're the no-wasis of the Claremont world.

Yeah, exactly. So that put me off them. She had hair that, I'm going to be honest, she looked like she'd dyed it. Really? But it was very blonde. But then again, Boris looks like he's dyed it, and I don't think he has.

No. He's natural, I think. He's a natural. He's got a bit of the Icelandic, sort of Scandinavian in him somewhere. Yeah. And what happened in the exchange, Gareth? Well, the man was saying,

Labour, Labour, but... This is shades, as we'll call him. Yes, but Boris wanted to hear from the Oracle, the lady, but she was clamming up. She was being shifty and she didn't want to share. But then he pushed her and she properly went for him, said, you're having a laugh you're taking away my pension and then my rights and then you come and ask for something

for nothing i'm gonna say that was a brilliant response nailed it i mean fair play his reaction was very his reaction was great he went oh yes how funny these working class people are that was his response oh oh well it was it was a fabulous moment anyway as i say anyway there was a general election i think that sums up what we've been saying it's done um and as a labour vote in roman catholic ending up with a conservative DUP coalition is not my dream, Tiki. But you know what? I find in the end things just rattle along the same, don't they?

Good night. Oh no, sorry, it's not the end. Oh, it's morning show. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I, um, I tell you what I did this week. I've been re-reading the first novel I ever read. Oh, what's that?

Do you ever re-read a book? Because sometimes you think... Yes, I do. You get to my age and you think, really, I don't have time to re-read. I need to acquire new stuff. Lock's ticking. Yeah, I do. You get to my age and you think, really, I don't have time to reread. I need to acquire new stuff. Lock's ticking. Yeah, I'm thinking.

I mean, it was like the first full, because I think the first book I ever read was The House With Four Corners. The street, The Village With Four Corners. Obviously left an impression. Roger Red Hat, Billy Blue Hat. Not like the first ever book. Village With Four Corners.

Proper novel. That the first ever book. Village with four corners. Proper novel. That was a terrible book. The first book I read was The Samosa with Three Corners. Set in the Asian subcontinent. And surprisingly enriching. Yeah. I like that. Let's talk about samosas.

I really fancy one now. Do you know what? I mean, you've dropped enough hints. Why are there not samosas in this room? You should have picked up that. I'm not a huge fan. I used to drink, you know, a pub run by Indian people when I first started drinking, aged, I'd say, 14.

Lovely. Had you read the book by then, or was that before then? No, I hadn't. I didn't read my first novel until I was 21. What about that? Really? I know we're saying grown-up novel. This is my stroke DUP's Britain.

That's Britain. Made up. Made up. I like it. And I forgot what I was saying. You were talking about the first novel that you read when you were 21. Yes. But I used to drink in a pub when I was 14,

and they sold samosas, and they used to call them fanjits. They'd say, do you want a fanjit? I'd say, OK. No way, what happened to that? I don't know. How? I'm a little bit worried about it, but... Well, it was Indian people telling me about it.

Oh, it was. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. It just makes me feel a bit bristly. I'm sorry. I'm just telling you what they called it. Yeah, I know.

I know. Oh, God. Everyone's so anxious about everything. What was the first book? I Ain't the Modern World. Was your first book fanlit? It was fanjit. Fanjit.

My first book was Saturday Night and Sunday Morning. Oh, was that Alan Silliter? Alan Silliter. You couldn't wait till the movie. Well, I think Room at the Top was quite early doors for me. Which is a very similar northern... Yeah, I love that. Room at the top. It's all gone a bit Emily Thornberry.

Yeah, I've never heard of her. Yeah, she didn't have much room at the top. Not with Corbyn around. Maybe she had a fly on her. Do you think she had a fly? That's why I would say... That was a... Oh, was it John Brain, Room at the Top?

Oh, maybe I've got that wrong. Someone, John Brain. Anyway, I may have got... I remember top? Or maybe I've got that wrong. Someone, John Brain. Anyway, I may have got it wrong. I remember Joe Lampton, I think. Anyway, it's not Richard and Judy's book job. It certainly isn't. But it reminded me, there was a girl called Anne Silito who I was at school with.

When I was confirmed, her mum... I have to take three Anne Silito a day. Yeah. For the rash. I don't get that but i'm okay sounds like a medicine i thought it sounded like a medicine i'm trying my best no it's all right um you should have given me the wink yeah um so yeah i had my photo took by her mom with the bishop of um birmingham suppose it must have been, which is quite a big moment. And then I never got a copy. Oh, really?

So if you're listening, Anne, I'm still waiting. Oh, you're going to get loads of copies now, Frank. Yeah. So, notable omissions from your photo album, 8, 12, 15. Yeah. Only, Frank, if you met a celebrity, he didn't have a camera with you. You know, for example. Oh, yeah. Or saw something 15. Yeah. Only if you met a celebrity who didn't have a camera with you, you know, for example. Oh, yeah.

Or saw something brilliant. Yeah. I'm not confident about this one. I'm withdrawing it. You can't withdraw it. I'm withdrawing it. I'm withdrawing it as a texting. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

I've started reading, this is the summary, I've started reading, because a lot of people start listening about now, I think. Is that when they get up, the people? I think they've had their third vomit, and that's when you come. Which is, coincidentally, it begins Saturday night and Sunday morning with a young man so drunk that he vomits onto people's heads, basically, sort of onto an old bloke's head and then into a woman's physog. And it did make me think,

well, why was I reading this novel? And of course, at the time I read it, I couldn't help thinking, memories like the pages of your mind. You thought it was your autobiography. Is that the right word? Corners. The corners of your village, isn't it? Corners of your village.

I believe it's corners, but what do I know about musicals? Memories like the corners of your mind. I may be incorrect. Is it misty watercolour? Memories. Memories. Of the way we were. Ah, yes.

Well, we all know the next line. Yeah. Not even going to do it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, yeah, it was all about a young working class.

It's lovely to be able to say working class. We should be able to tell you that during the run-up to the election, we couldn't mention, we couldn't say Jeremy Corbyn, we couldn't say Conservative. We couldn't say anything. How many weeks was that? You couldn't mention the month of May? It's an off...

I would have to refer to this month we're in. I don't think you could say working class. I couldn't. I'd been to a party. I couldn't tell anyone. I'd been to a party. Yeah, so I think that's why we went on about the election. It's such a religious delay. It was like Lansing a boil.

It really was. So, yeah, I'd recommend it. You notice I've been doing a bit of this. I bought a Hopalong Cassidy watch that I wanted when I was at school. You're going down memory lane and I like it. I'm rewinding my whole life. I'm thinking I might lose my virginity again.

Wow. Is it growing back? Oh, losing my virginity. Do you know I've still got the receipt somewhere? That's you in the corner. Yeah, that's me in the corner of the village. Yeah. Of your mind. That's me in the corner of the village. Corner of the village. Yeah. Of your mind. That's me in the corner of the village.

Corner of the village. Do you know what the book was called? Corners of the Village. What's that, sorry? The house, the village with three corners, I think. No, no, no, the name of that village. Samosa. Samosa on the wold.

Where's Samosa? Yeah, so, yes, I have been doing a bit of that just lately. I'm slightly worried about it. I wonder if it's a thing that old people do, they start reliving that. What, obsessing over the past? Well, the reason, can I tell you the reason? Have you gone into past times a lot, even though it's closed?

Yes, I'm actually quite nostalgic about past times. Those are the days the shop has gone. Do you know what, quite nostalgic about past times. Those were the days. The shop has gone. Do you know what? I really miss past times. It was such a terrible shop, wasn't it? Oh, step tread on my dreams. Because even if you were nostalgic,

you were nostalgic for naff old bloody candelabra. Oh, sorry, I've sworn. I'm terribly sorry. In nine years, that's the first time. That's the first time I've ever sworn on air in nine years. And in a very sort of 1970s nostalgic sort of way. I think that's what it was. Everyone was swearing in past times on the radio.

And they were all using that word which was very 70s. Yes, one thing I'm not going to start revisiting is what people used to do that worked in radio in the 70s. Can we please make that clear? But yeah, it is a bit. The reason I'm re-reading Saturday Night and Sunday Morning is I did

Sunday Brunch. And they were going to bring it up. That was the sequel to the book, was it? That was my first novel because I think it was Sunday Morning. Somebody thought that would be a good thing. Speaking of Sunday Morning. Speaking of Sunday Morning, it's the first novel you read, isn't it? Yes, it is, Tim. Yes. Anyway. Do you like reading? Twoflays. Yeah, speaking of Sunday morning, it's the first novel you read, isn't it? Yes, it is, Tim. Yes.

Anyway. Do you like reading? Soufflés. Yeah. So as I was leaving, I saw it on the prop table and I said, what are you going to do with that?

And they said, well, we won't, you know, obviously. Burn it. Any books we get, we burn them. Yeah, that's what it was. Did it not come up? Yeah, you had like a black military uniform

on the bloke who told me. Did it not come up in the convo? No, we never got round to it. Oh, you were too busy with the souffle. But it was there, so, you know, I asked for it. Oh, OK. I think that's fair enough. Who else?

They're not going to have someone else on whose first novel was Saturday night and Sunday morning. No. Million to one shot. So probably more. How many novels have there been? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards.

Hello, good morning. Morning, Frank. Oh, all at once. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Still no answers on the how many novels have there been texting. No, but in fairness, I mean, that's a

huge question, Frank. Come on. I think that, yeah, but you know. And they're counting through Amazon as fast as they can. Oh, so what else? Go on. At the same time. It's fine. it's all gone a bit one show Gareth

it's been an interesting week for inventions people have said what's the ten best inventions of all time oh yes the tea bag was high on the list well I don't think it was it wasn't numerical

and the usual ones tend to pop up in no particular order high on the list? Well, I don't think it was... It wasn't numerical, was it? It was just... And the usual ones tend to pop up. In no particular order. The wheel. They love a bit of wheel. The wheel, I can't really argue with that. Penicillin. Great PR for penicillin.

No, can I say, I'm allergic to penicillin. I find it very offensive that that was included in the top ten. It's about time I got a chance to be offended. They wouldn't put the Ku Klux Klan in the top ten. It's about time I got a chance to be offended. They wouldn't put the Ku Klux Klan in the top ten. I don't think anyone's allergic to the Ku Klux Klan, though,

are they? No. Are you? Well, I think they just find them pretty offensive. And what the hoods are made of. Yeah, I mean, but what I'm saying is, Frank, you know, the usual ones do come up on these best inventions, but I found this list rather strange.

Because in addition to your internets and your wheels, I'm scrolling through it, the plough! The plough? I think that's fair enough, isn't it? Really? It was a great pub. I was certainly glad they invented it. What use do they do? Make farms look messy? No, no.

They actually make farms look a little bit neater because they put those straight lines in the fields. Yeah, without the plough, there's no furrow. Yeah, and with no furrow... Thanks for that, Eric Hansen. There wouldn't be any seed indentation areas. Yeah, you need the plough to break up the ground. Without the plough, there is no troller and no seagull.

Any younger people who have never seen a plough, walk around any farm and you'll find one rusted and abandoned in a corner. Yeah, I tell you what I thought was a bit strange on that list, like the best ideas of all time, basically. The light bulb. Really? Now, I don't think the light bulb should be in the best ideas because it's become so synonymous with good ideas, the light bulb.

Oh, I see, yeah. I mean, sliced bread isn't on it. That seems wrong to me. Especially as they're our sponsor. Well, were these all the best things since? Oh, these are the best things since? All these are the best things since what? The plough? Since sliced bread? Yeah, it must be.

Although, how did they make the what came first, the plough or the bread? That's the big question. The seeds for the wheat. And also, if there was no wheel, how did they deliver the loaves? Yeah, the mill, when you need a mill wheel There would have been some wheelbarrow rusting in the farm.

A knife was a good dirt. Yeah? I'm really tense. Well, what about the armour made it onto the list? I mean, who compiled this list? Geoffrey Chaucer? The plough? Armour?

It's a bit negative, isn't it? Armour. I don't... Also, I beg to differ. It's defensive, isn't it? Well, it's a bit retro. Clanking around. But not the sword. Also, I beg to differ. It's defensive, isn't it? Well, it's a bit retro. Clanking around.

But not the sword, but armour. No, swords have to be beaten into plowshares. Of course they do. No one uses armour anymore. It's a bit Benedict Cumberbatch. Have you not seen my trousers? I'm wearing armour trousers. Well, not silvery armour, but people wear body armour, don't they? Yeah, but that's got a different look. It looks more like Lord Buckethead, Matt Black.

Yeah, that's true. I believe he had cricket pads on, though, didn't he? On the bottom half, Lord Buckethead. Did he? Yeah, black, spray-painted. Wasn't he worried about looking sick, then? No, because he was... Get the Lord Buckethead look with black spray painted cricket pads.

Yeah, imagine wearing a cloak, Frank. Well, you wouldn't be wearing a black spray. You can buy black cricket pads. Yeah. Oh, well, he... Yeah, well... If you played one day cricket, you'd play with a white ball, you'd have black pads.

He looked the type that would have been sitting there with the aerosol can the night before, though. It just all had a very homemade egg box vibe to it. It was a very good costume. Yeah. I just think the light bulb for an idea sting is too obvious. It's like if they had, like, grey organs associated with love. Mm.

No. OK. I was going to say the heart. But the fridge was in there, and that's... I think the idea came first, then the light bulb, and then the fridge was made possible by the light bulb. Because they made the fridge, but you couldn't see any of the food in there. Oh, yeah, of course.

I would argue the kettle is a better invention than the tea bag. I mean, we're not dependent on the tea bag. It's all right. I've had better, I've had worse. But you can make loose, you can use loose tea. Exactly. I mean, that's a terrible addition. I also remember them coming out.

I remember there was an advert that said, no teas in a bag. Papa's got a brand new bag. Do you remember Alma coming out? There used to be one that went, it's in the bag, it's in the bag, it's in the bag, it's in the bag. Brooke Bunty in tea bags. It was like a big sensation.

I love it when you look at the list of the world's greatest inventions and you remember one of them being launched. I can remember the internet. Respect. I think they were around before, but that was when they really hit it. Yeah, the internet, exactly that. And I remember the plough. They were all there.

Sewers? Did you have an outside toilet? That's a strange nickname for him at this late stage in the game. How did they invent sewers? Were the houses already there and then they had to dig underneath the houses or did they build the sewers?

That would be a general sewer with handrail on the side so you could hang from... Sorry. I think sewers is a strange one as well. I don't want to be down on this list. Someone worked hard on it, did they, Buffalo? But Suez is odd, Frank, don't you think?

Yeah, you're right. It's like mountains or something. Well, no, it isn't. Anyway, we've been talking about this for 25 minutes. You know what they should have invented? The end of break. The clock? The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We were talking about inventions. You were. And my grandma's favourite joke was that her favourite invention was Venetian blinds because without those it would be curtains for all of us. That's a good joke. Warming to your grandmother. I like her material.

What's she doing tonight? She's probably in my age bracket. She's in your demographic, Frank. I'll tell you what I think was a great invention. The cruet. Cruet? What is that? I don't quite understand it either. Is that cruet? Is it like salt and pepper?

This is like Brexit all over again. I don't know what... Salt and pepper pots. Oh, OK. Oh, and then you just call it salt and pepper pots. People call it cruet, don't they? What, is the duo called cruet? The duo is called, yeah.

Have you got a cruet? They're both of them. They're both called the cruet. Gareth, Gareth, Gareth. I'll handle this. Okay. So is that the name for just any salt and pepper pots? If you put the individual pots together, they become the cruet.

Yeah. Really? Well, of course you're putting doubt to them. I'm going to fan you, Territorious. Don't do that. I've gone into fan-jeet territory. Don't do that. I'm assuming that they would have to be in some sort of carrying sort of case.

But they can stand alone. Well, they do sometimes come in. Yeah, you know what I mean. Yeah. A bit like a Tantalus, but without the lock. I'm going crate with a handle. So, we're a crew at crate. Who's going to create a crew at crate? Anyway.

Colin Hewitt. I think they were a great, you know, the matching to the pot and the only difference. Sometimes you just have to look to see how many holes there are on top. Who made that decision? Pepper will have more than one hole. We may have discussed this before on the show, but it just strikes me, why do they have dominance over everything

else in that condiment cupboard? Why salt and pepper? Why have they been singled out? Well, I believe in the old skipping game. Isn't it salt, mustard, vinegar, pepper? Where salt, suddenly pepper's way down the old skipping game. Isn't it salt, mustard, vinegar, pepper? Mm. Where salt, suddenly peppers.

Why down the pecking order? Well, 30 days out of September, that's not my favourite month. Why down the pick a peck of pickled pepper pecking order? Yeah, I mean, it's salt, mustard. Who's going to put mustard second? What kind of a stupid league table of condiments is that? It's the shaking section, isn't it? It's the powders.

They're putting the powders together. You know, what do you want? A Lemsip shaker for when you feel ill. No, anyway, what I really don't like is the contemporary idea of the grinder. You don't like grinder. If I want to grind salt... Unsubscribe. No one's forcing you to have the app, Frank.

No, I don't mean that. That was your choice. As an adult male, you made that decision. I'm happy with the app. But I'm on... I'm on Crew It. That's the app I use. And if I'm having a party...

People are agreeing. If I'm having a party, I'm able to crew it quite quickly. No, I'm... Oh crew it quite quickly. I tell you what, if anyone's got any good ideas, by the way, I'm about to get a crew. I can't cope with the grinding. If anyone else is having any problems with grinder, don't text in. You know, the reason I didn't move to Siberia is I didn't want to be grinding salt in my own home.

You can't use grinder anymore. I just want a pepper. I'm going to use... Look, they can't take that away from us. I can still say grinder. I can say gay, as in gay abandon as well. I mean, come on, let's have a deal with this. Let's have a coalition.

Yeah. Yeah. So if anyone knows of any good novelty cruets out there... I did have Daleks, but I'm afraid I broke the gun off one of them in a fall. Oh, did you have one of your falls? I didn't have one, but I'm afraid the Dalek did. Oh. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm sad that we haven't had as many cruet texts in Texas, I'm glad. Well, neither you, Gareth, Daisy or Sarah have heard of a cruet. You know, even though I know there's a cruet, now I can feel the dark shadow of doubt falling across. Well, someone... There's definitely... It's a salt-and-pepper thing.

526 remembers a cruet featuring in an episode of Steptoe and Some, I believe. Well, there you go. That's my spiritual home. Albert Steptoe exchanged Harold matching cruet. Harold? Yes. Well, see, my problem is, as you know, I love a hard-boiled egg with a bit of salt on it.

Now, in the old days, as I've established on this show, I used to fill my navel with salt and dip it in there. But now I live it. Now I share it. I'd forgotten that. I'd blocked that out. Congratulations. Now I have a part in that. It's not as acceptable.

You can use hers. That'd be great. I like the idea of them using each other's. I've also got a boxer dog who does headstands. Anyway... For ketchup. Yeah. And I...

If you're eating an hard-boiled egg, you can't grind onto it. Because grinding is a... Oh, grinding onto a hard-boiled egg. Will the horror never end? Because grinding... Imagine it every week. But a salt grinder is a two-hand job, you'd agree. So I don't know where to put the hard-boiled egg.

Is it too early to go to a break? Well, I'm right, aren't I? Well, I've got some suggestions. Hard-boiled egg in one hand. Let's not go there. And then I'd put a bit of salt from the salt sauer. Perfect. Now, I have to put the hard boiled egg down I ended up

holding one in a tea towel between my thighs to put salt on it is that good no I always think it's a golf tee

sounds like a 1970s party game I don't like it no I thought about an egg cup about putting it in an egg cup hard boiled

with the shell taken off which I've never seen done I've always considered it's an egg cup, about putting it in an egg cup, hard, with the shell taken off, which I've never seen done. Considering it's an egg cup, you'd think it must have happened, but I've never seen that. I've never seen that as well. I imagine because of the clamminess of the egg

exterior, you'd get an air lock. It would be sweaty as all get out. You wouldn't be able to get it out, I think, it'd lock in. It would be suctioned in, and I wouldn't like that. Oh, when it come out. You wouldn't be able to get it out, I think. It'd lock in. It would be suctioned in and I wouldn't like that. Oh, when it come out. Oh. Oh.

So, yes, I've got to get a salt cellar. Okay. If nothing else. I'm sure we can arrange that. I don't know if, you know, I think they're on their way up. Everyone thinks,

oh, it's so sort of cool. You know, I'm a foodie, so I use a salt grinder. Oh, do you? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

424, too much egg talk. Too much egg talk. Too much egg talk. Well, my favourite invention I had was an apple peeler. And it was sort of like, it was a vice. Did it have a handle at one end and like a blade at the other? Oh, I thought this was a new type of phone. Sorry.

Is it also known as a knife? No. It was like a vice. And it had a thing that you stuck the apple onto and then you wound a handle. It did have a handle. I've seen those. You wound it and it caused the apple.

It takes the skin off and it also cuts it into a spiral. The sort of thing, Frank, they would do demonstrations in store. A lady having marriage problems would do a demonstration in store. And they would start crying mid-demonstration. I saw the one in the Sound of Music. And they sing Ah, poor voice.

Oh, God. Sorry, I'm starting to win back after the anti-egg text. That's from Len. Len didn't like it. If he'd listened earlier, he would have got the egg, all the egg material, the chicken material. Yeah.

Or was it the egg material first and then the chicken material? I'll work that out. But it was a wonderful invention, but actually when you eat an apple, you only really eat one apple at a time, and really you could do 50 apples with that in five minutes and so i didn't really you know it wasn't worth getting out and clamping it to the sideboard to um you have some sort of turnover business but why unclamp it why not

just leave it there's a question next to the you know you could put it next to the meat it had sort of a blade coming off it. It had spikes. It was quite dangerous. Yeah. Sounds like something you'd come across in the S&M community. I had one of those clamp on pencil sharpness. You know those? Well, the teacher always had those.

Yeah, but they were brilliant. Occasionally I'd see an invention like that, which was a sort of industrial thing, and get one for my own home. They have three holes for the pencil. Yes. There wasn't just one. Oh, I love that.

Depending on the... The thickness. It's sort of a bowling ball feel to it. Yeah. And also, I bought one of those. You know those big, blocky sellotape, big heavy metal sellotape things, and with the sharp bit?

Now, can I tell you what I loved about those? It was a sort of communist grey. Yes the base I found and not a colour you see often these days. No it was when office work was associated with dullness and not people in Homer Simpson ties telling you jokes

so everyone accepted there was a certain as you say a sort of communist dullness to it. 776 wants to talk of eggs, unlike Len. He says, I was on the underground yesterday and there was a man eating a hard-boiled egg. Is that acceptable? It depends where he was putting the discarded shell. Okay.

I think. Yeah. If he was piecing it back together to create a hollow shell, which he was using in some sort of tableau of the ascent of man. I think that's acceptable. But we're all different. I once, in one of those, remember those innovations catalogues? I saw a cruet

for sale in there. And they said it had been developed by NASA technology. So it could be used in space. And I thought, good, that's good. But what do I get out of this? But gravity's very important to the crew set, is it not?

Oh, yeah, exactly. So how did it work? Also, they haven't got a lot of... You know what, I didn't buy it. I thought this is too much. I don't want NASA involved in my seasoning. Well, they haven't got much else to do right now, NASA. The seasoning must be low on their list, surely.

I think they've got other stuff to do, haven't they? No, space travel's very out of vogue now. They make badges. It's got a big badge manufacturing. What do they make? Sateen bomber jackets, and that's it. Badges and baseball caps. Yeah, they are. They're badges. It's got a big badge manufacturer. What do they make? Satine bomber jackets. Badges. Badges and baseball caps. Yeah, they are.

They're just like super dry. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. How about, Frank,

I was thinking about it For eating an egg you get a plate You've got a plate Put the egg on the plate Put some salt on the plate Dip the egg in the salt Yeah but I've done that I did it with a little bowl thing

But it's not the same as that Holding it and putting the Oh anyway Let's not upset the bloke as anti-egg. Yes. Did you hear about the Museum of Failure in Sweden? I did hear about that. It's got quite a lot of coverage.

I like the sound of it. It's good. So it's all sorts of inventions and products, things that didn't really work. I think there's something good about it. It's a good idea. Yeah. So they've got...

And if it does fail, of course they're covered. They've got the green... Do you remember green ketchup? Heinz brought out green ketchup. I remember that. I absolutely don't remember that. So was it like regular ketchup except that it was just green?

What was it? Was it green tomatoes? I don't... Oh, presumably. I guess tomatoes? I don't... Oh, presumably. I guess so. I don't know. There's other green things in the vegetable kingdom. Yeah.

No, it was... I'd say the vegetable. Yeah. They got a surplus of green. Branch out. The Trump board game was in there. Yes. Now, this was based on his time on The apprentice wasn't it it was called i'm back and

you're fired yes where'd he gone i'm loathe to mock the trump board game because me and david brought out a thing called fantasy manager or something you did a board game did you and we tried to play we tried to play it once. Was it difficult? And neither of us could work out the rules. Did you have any involvement in the game then? Yes, we got some money for it. Our only involvement in the game

was the disgrace of not being able to play a game which we were on the cover of the box. But it was just terrible, rubbish. And I apologise, anyone who bought it, I apologise. I think there was a sort of computer version of it. Full refund? No, let's not go crazy. David might be willing to offer the refund,

if he's listening, haven't they? Yeah, I think I remember Dave saying he would give a full refund. Yeah, I remember that. You can get him on Twitter. Yeah, so contact him. And he'll send you some, it'll be one of those, what is it, Bitcoin? I don't know, but my phone's already warming up from the imminent text that's about to arrive. So, yeah, I have some sympathy for that.

I'll tell you what I did like the sound of. It passed me by completely. Go on. In the Fowler Museum. Fat passed me by completely. Go on. In the failure museum. Fat-free Pringles. Yes, I like the sound of them. Who knew? Yes.

Who knew? So they were considered a failure because I think they had an adverse effect on your digestive system. Did they? Well, I'm sure Pringles did, aren't they? Well, I don't know. Actually, let's not. They might advertise us.

Unless, of course, they advertise us, in which case they're very nourishing. He said they give you diarrhoea. Oh, really? And once you pop, you can't stop. It isn't supposed to mean that. Goodness me. I mean.

I just thought that. Please. They should not fat free. They could have called them Thingles. Thingles. No, you didn't buy that, would you? If they bring out Diane Pringles, if you're listening, you're from Pringles, you're going to them thingles. Thingles. No, you didn't buy that, would you? If you're listening, you're from Pringles, you're going to bring out Diane Pringles. You can have that.

If you're listening and you're from Pringles, can I just say, if you're going to have a fat free product though, don't have the big round face of the soldier man on the front. No. Because he doesn't... Have me on the front. Yes. Drawn. You're the inspiration. Yeah, that's what you want, skeletal.

He's not a Thinspiration, that fat soldier. No, I mean, he gives complete the wrong impression. I don't think he has thingles. No. I think a good failure of branding that they have is Colgate frozen lasagna. What was the idea behind that? I like that.

It's like Maitre. Do you remember Maitre matey used to have bubble bath And it cleaned the bath as well You ate Colgate lasagna And it cleaned your teeth It was a little bit minty for lasagna It was alright It's like sort of sift perfume isn't it

But you know matey what I liked Is that the hat doubled up as the Well it was his hat and it was the lid. Yeah, very good. I mean, that was clever, the twist they put on that. Is it still going, Matey? The twist they put on that screw cap. Can you still get Matey?

Yeah. He's got a girlfriend as well, which... Can I just say came as something of a surprise? Well, he did get Matey. Yeah, I used to think, when I tried matey as a child, I thought, just think, when I'm 50, all bath foam will clean the bath as well. And no one else incorporated it. I thought it was the future. I don't remember if you had a jingle, matey.

Don't call me matey. I know it was No, matey's a bundle of fun. I see Shanty, Frank. And then he ended with And he cleans the bath as well. I don't think, I think Or was that an advert

for an au pair? I don't know. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got to say, before we go from this, and it is time, but whenever inventions are mentioned, I can't remember, I can't forget when I saw for the first time the invention that I thought, that is the cleverest invention,

and it will catch on and make millions, and I respect the person who came up with that. I refer, of course, to the umbrella hat, which I honestly thought the umbrella hat, or as I like to call it, the hands-free, I thought, that's it for the handle umbrella. That is it. Problem solved. And it turned out the person who invented it made not all.

It turns out people want to look attractive and nice. People want to hold their umbrellas in their hand. And it wasn't big enough. It wasn't big enough. You'd need a chin strap. If it was proper size, you'd need a chin strap. I had one with a chin strap. Did chin strap? You'd need a chin strap. I had one with a chin strap. Did you?

Yeah. That must have looked attractive. It had the Turkish flag on the umbrella and a chin strap, yeah. I thought they were brilliant, especially if you've got a hard-boiled egg in one hand and a salt celery in the other. Anyway, oh, I still can't believe they didn't catch on. Really?

Good job I didn't have money when they'd have come out. I'd have put it all in. That would have been me, Don. Thank you so much for listening today. It's been a joy as ever. Gareth, it's always lovely to spend time in your company. I don't have that many friends who bought me for my birthday a two-volume analysis of the Gospel of St John.

Oh. He knows me so well. Anyway, bring on the flowers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.