The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Thinking Step

Episode Date: November 26, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by The Cockerel and The Divine Miss Em and he has a question about the greeting cards industry. The team talk Obama's Freedom Medals, Sindr and bad disguises.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning. Morning. Morning everyone. I like the fact you started the show with Okie Kokie today.

I think that's all right. No, I said I liked it. It's a tribute to Fidel Castro. Yeah. I don't know quite how. Respect. Oh, Frank, you left the show on something of a cliffhanger last week. I've just remembered.

What was that? You were trying to remember the name of someone. Ah, yes. Now, some of you... Just had a couple of people tweeting about it. Well, no, I'm not the youngest man on Absolute Radio. And I have the odd memory thing now.

But what I do is I meet it head on. Can I just say, who is the youngest man on Absolute Radio? Could be the first text in that we run today. Well, there's that one who's an absolute child. I'm going there. Absolute child he is. No, I don't know. I bet Sarah knows the youngest... The youngest presenter. Let's bring in the ladies.

Yeah, why not? Open it up a bit. I'd like to throw my hat in the room. They're doing a great job. Can we say that? Well done, girls. Can we say we've got some... We've got some smashing birds working for us here. Oh, man. And, you know, they're playing rock music and all sorts. They don't care.

They're not just playing I Will Survive over and over. No. There's some terrific ladies here on board. So, um, who is the youngest, Sarah? I think it's probably George. George. No. There's some terrific ladies here on board. So, who is the youngest, Sarah? I think it's probably George. George, okay. He's the absolute child. Yeah.

That's what they call him. We think it's George. Put that to bed. Sorry, I distracted you. George Jeffrey. He's crossing your edge, I believe. Frank's doing his rainbow material. So, anyway...

Your memory lapsed last week. You're trying to remember the name of... I was trying to remember the name of... It's not exactly the main character, but he's a significant character in Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness. Or, if you don't read, he was the main character in Apocalypse Now,

which was the film of that book, more or less. And he was a very significant character in that, due to the person playing him. Yeah, he was played by Marlon Brando. That's lovely. So, anyway, I woke up at... I started trying to remember this last... Can I tell you what time it was?

Go on. Because you texted me. I texted Emily in exultation when it came to me in the early hours of Sunday morning. I have never been so shocked. 0 to 10am. What? Okay, well that's when I remembered that his name

is Kurtz. Oh. First I got Kurtz and I thought, that's it, I've got it. And I texted Kurtz and then I thought, no, no, it's Kurtz. I got a text just saying Kurtz. I thought Courtney Love had had one I've got it, and I texted Kurt. Then I thought, no, no, it's Kurt. I got a text just saying Kurt. I thought Courtney Love had had one of her times. And then I got a follow-up text saying, or Kurt. And then he remembered to put a kiss on the end.

He'd woken me up at 2.10am. Do you know it filled me with enormous happiness? I love a kiss on the end in the early hours of the morning. Yeah. Anyway, so I was very thrilled. Did it wake you up? I assume that you sleep with your phone. I'm sorry about that. I quite liked it. And I was going to reply, and then I

thought, no, I'll let him sweat. It's not how you want to be woken up. If you think reasons would be woken up, and say on one side of the spectrum, fire alarm. On the other end is someone remembering the name of a character from

Joseph Conrad's After Dark in a list of importance if I'm going to get an alert I'd like it to be from you thank you so much but I never thought for a second you slept with your phone on or I would have I suppose I probably

texted just in case when I woke up I'd forgotten it again. But no, it's one of those I think, no, I spent a long time once on Fatal Attraction. I mean weeks. What do you mean? Trying to remember the words. Oh, I thought you were in it. Trying to remember the name of me. I miss that cameo.

My new one is the Anthony Hopkins film where he plays a ventriloquist. Oh, I don't know. What's the name of the film you mean? What's the name of the film? I'm pretty sure it's one word. I'm thinking something like silence or something like that.

No. No. What if you get it by the end of the show? That would be so exciting. You know we're going to get loads of texting. Can we ask not to have that as a text? No, I have to remember you say that. We already know it.

Don't text us. No, we don't. So, whilst some people are playing Minecraft, these gaming companies won't get a penny out of me because I play Remembering. And I've got all the software and everything. It's all there. It's all already there.

Do you know I teach a lot of the young folks the Frank Skinner rule? Oh, yeah. If you know it, Sarah's nodding. It's all already there. Do you know I teach a lot of the young folks the Frank Skinner rule? Oh, yeah. If you know it, Sarah's nodding. She's a young folk. She obviously does it too. And they really respond.

We should say the Frank Skinner rule is that... If you know it, you can't Google. If you can't... If you don't know it, you can Google. Yes. If you don't remember,

you can't Google. Yeah. Because if it's in there, you must search. That's my theory. Although I know some people now the other day I was talking about some football the guy got his Google

I thought just think. Think man. I said think. Go on the thinking step. That's what they have at Buzz's school. Did they? They won't have a naughty step because in the modern world it's a bit negative So he has to go on the thinking step

Where he just thinks about his behaviour for a bit Oh, that sounds good I love it Shall we get one in the studio? I think I'm on it That's what you think I did a little scroll through the emails that came in on Friday, as is my want.

Oh, yes. It's almost like you've had a Friday night... I've had a Friday night troll, yeah. We ought to get a jingle for that, haven't we? Yeah! Friday night troll! Ooh, ooh! Why bother?

We don't use the other ones that we've got a lot of the time, do we? Oh, sorry. No, no, I just feel like... I feel like it's wasted for... Things got ugly quickly. What about this for the Friday night troll jingle? Well, let's hear it. I bet they had many a Friday night troll in the Soviet Union.

Yeah. Wake up Saturday morning, where's your relatives? When I say we don't use the others, that's probably the one that gets the most out of me. How? He just said on commercial breakfast radio, and this is why I love him. Wake up Saturday morning, where's your relatives?

No, I'm not making light of that. I'm just saying that at different times. I often woke up on Saturday morning and thought, where's my relatives? That's because our Keith was on his bad drinking days. Central Reservation is the answer to that. Yeah, where's my house? That's what I thought.

Where's my dry trousers? Sorry, everyone. Move on. We've had a happy anniversary email. Hold on, what happened? Oh, yes, okay. Happy anniversary for Monday, guys. One year since the now famous ballet link. Oh, yes.

That was terrible. Probably the worst link we've ever done. Well, I say we. You did it. I took full responsibility. What, Frank decided to talk about a recent trip to the ballet? I did, yeah, and it was... It was just you saying you enjoyed the ballet. It was four and a half minutes of turgid radio.

I can't remember it being that bad. I mean, on its anniversary, I think we ought to play it, but... I don't think we should play it. I don't think you're prepped for that. Well, what happened was... People think they've accidentally put capital on. Mid-anecdote, Frank realised it wasn't going anywhere, the ballet anecdote,

and with his customary self-recognition and self-awareness, he acknowledged it and said, this is terrible. Yeah, well, I mean, I was in a state of distress. It wouldn't be an exaggeration. He started lashing out at his own link, didn't he? I still think of the ballet link, but it's been a year. I can't believe it's been a year. I can't believe it's been a year.

Not least because if it's been a year, surely it would be tomorrow that was the anniversary, wouldn't it? If it's... You'd think so. Is it a leap year? But, you know, we don't want to be picky, do we? No. No.

But we also love accuracy. I'm all right. Once I loved accuracy, I'm all right with it. You like being corrected can I tell you by the way I've got my legs are itching I don't know

you might have even actually heard some on it have we you've been itching all morning I know yeah but in the

so just the lower leg area it seems to be well it's it's all over but I'm feeling it more down there I tell us why well it I got ve, which is a veet, in case you don't know.

I think it used to be called emac in my youth. Hair removal cream. And, yeah, you put it on your legs to get the hair off your legs. I've never done this. Never done it? Well, you go to Ministry of Wax, like most people. I think you might find it a bit harder to get a grip on you in the old Hapkido session.

Hapkido! If you did that, it'd be like turning a big salmon. Be like Charles Bronson in one of those prison riots. Yeah, Charles Bronson used to butter himself up, play riot. Very shrewd move. Brilliant idea. Very shrewd move from Bronson there. He's not just the John Lennon glasses, Frank.

Do you think the word went round, one guard says to another, look, I'm not, you know, I'm no Nostradamus, but I just went past Bronson's cell, he's butchering himself up. Just saying. Just saying. Don't come to me after and say, well, that was a surprise. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Don't come to me after and say, well, that was a surprise. I've just seen a trailer for a programme about Vienna.

I love Vienna. I'd love to watch that. It's hosted by Simon Sebeck Montefiore. He's who I met. And he's arguably the worst human being I've ever met in my life so now I can't watch the show well tell us why oh I can't you know you meet posh people when I first started meeting posh people

I thought you know actually they're alright and then I met him and I thought no everything we ever said about them back in the council house was correct anything specific? oh I can't go into detail honestly he is a... What, just abrasive?

We've only got two and a half more hours. Anyway, I'm not here to do character assassinations, but if... Well, it's a bit late for that. If there was a programme on the telly... Worst person you've ever met. ...in which he was on fire, I'd watch it. Other than that... Anyway, that's...

Goodness me. It's all by the by. I don't like unkindness in anything, but what a... It's the first time I've ever discussed him without swearing. It's interesting. Anyway, we're all different. Yeah. Establish that.

So my legs are itching because I got veeted. I had to play a lady for various reasons. Mrs. Brown's boys. And so I got vetoed. You know, every time you said vetoed, I've heard vetoed. I've been really struggling. My leg hair got vetoed. Yes, it did.

And it's a weird experience. I don't know if any of you guys are familiar with this. Not me. You get it laid on and it's scraped off with a sort of a little, like a little shovel. Oh, yeah, tell me what happens, why don't you? Yeah. Well, there's men listening who might not know, or hairy women. Okay, okay.

Oh, he's gone so PC. Yeah. So, yeah, and I think it's growing back. I'll tell you something else. Yeah, we'll do that. I was wearing stiletto platforms, and I find they're quite a strain on the calves. The calves the next day.

Do you get this? You get the age, don't you? Do you get this, girls? What a nodding from the few girls. I'm looking around here. It's like the opening scene of Matt Bess. I'm looking around, and they're all... Look, they're all wincing.

A bit harsh. A bit harsh. You look nicer than that today, girls. No, you do get the sexy witches. I like them. In the Beth production. Well, you do, and I'm living proof. There you go.

What about, do you get this, girls? Yeah. Like some slightly root one. All I did, I adopted a pose that was slightly, you know, one straight leg and hand on hip. And I can feel it in the calves now. Yeah. Yeah.

Have you got a foam roller or any kind of self-myofascial release apparatus? Yeah. Have you? No. No. I didn't know what they were until you just mentioned them, you crazy old martial arts loony you. I think everyone should have a foam roller. Yeah, I do myself. Yeah. everyone should have a foam roller. Yeah, I do myself.

Yeah. I want a lint roller. I think everyone should have a lint roller. I've bought one as a Christmas present once. Oh, do you remember that Ronco thing that got rid of lint? Remember Ronco? I do. That wasn't Victor Kiem, no.

Remember the Ronco record vacuum? I think so. It's a little tiny vacuum cleaner that you took the fluff off your vinyl with. All right. See, they brought them back now. Yeah. If Ronco's listening, you're out there, Ronco.

Oh, but I've had a very difficult morning. OK, but bring back the Ronco. Oh, my head is a bit big. It really hurts me. Yes, but bring back the record vacuum. I think you could make a fortune. I think I have something I think. But first I must have coffee.

A little dialogue with Ronco, the old inventor from the 70s there. Frank Skinner on the radio. Hello. Boz was, my son was four and a half this week. Right. Now, I'm new to parenting. Does one, if I can go to a parenting correspondent,

or think back, Em, did you, did you, does one give them something for a four and a half? No, no, no. No, you don't, why did he try and play you? No, no, he didn't know, obviously, he hadn't worked it out, I worked it out, I told him about it, and he said, oh, so I'm not four anymore. I said, too

complicated. Yeah. That was the end of that conversation. Yeah. So the other day he said to me, can you count to a million? And I said, yeah. And then I suddenly had a crisis of confidence and thought, actually, can I? Never done it. No. Who knows? When you get

into the six, seven hundred thousands, things might get a bit dark and difficult. I think I'd hit the wall. Yes, I think there probably is a wall around seven hundred thousand. I think the hunger would do me in. Yeah. How long would it take, do you think? Well, that is a good question. Well, it would be a minute.

Like 12, 15. We've been wondering about texting. How long do you think it would take? Maybe, why don't we try it one Saturday morning? Yeah. On air or off air? It's the only way to top the ballet link. But then again, it'd be one of those things that people would hate it,

but they'd talk about it at work the next morning. They might, yeah. Well, not the next morning, unless they were priests. You'd check back in, wouldn't you, just to see what number we'd got to? I'll bet the week after that we wouldn't be complaining that the adverts were too long, would we? Out of the three of us? Wow, we're doing a lot of talking on the show this week.

If someone was going to break, who would it be? I think it'd be me I'm not good with numbers What about my husband? I think it'd be me Yeah You could eat though You'd have to go and grapple

You'd be doing it while you were grappling If we did it as a three part harmony it might be nice That could be good, yeah So that somebody could get off Or we could, you know, we took it in turns instead of the numbers So there's a bit of a challenge, a bit of competition. Yeah, back and forth. Anyway.

Let's do it. So next week, well, I have a word with the boss about it. So he's four and a half? He was four and a half on, I think it was the 23rd. Well, it was the 23rd. I know because it was also the 53rd anniversary of the first ever Doctor Who episode, so I was in the mood for partying.

Of course you were. For a keen diary you've got in it. I'm kind of amazed that the people who make cards and presents haven't cashed in on the halves. That is a good one. It's unbelievable that they haven't brought out half cards. That is a good point. They love selling cards, those people. Yeah. The Clintons.

It's one of the few successes, the Clintons. At least they've still got that going. Yeah, exactly. Although I don't think they have now. What Clinton's card has gone? I have a feeling it might have gone under. I may be wrong. Oh. So don't text in and tell me I'm a moron.

I'm sorry. I'll send them a condolences card. Best of luck with that. Where are you going to buy it? The car factory. I tried to buy fireworks the other week. You can probably guess when. It was the 5th of November.

It was a Saturday. We'd done a show. And I said to the cab driver, I got in a mini cab. The cab driver said, I think you know my brother. Oh, dear. I said, really? He said, yeah, he's... Simon Seabag, Montefiore.

He's Simon Amstel. Oh. I said, oh. So he was driving me, James, his brother, which already felt a bit strange. I wondered if it was some sort of TV prank show. Yeah. And then I said, I need to get some fireworks for my son.

And as you know, I'm not big on the fireworks. It's basically a celebration of the torture and oppression of Roman Catholics. But I thought I'd get him a few. Dary me. I'm sorry, wrong response. I'll get him a flower pot. Flower pot, couple of rockets.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't go mad with the... Listen to the names of them, though. Roman Candle. Yeah. Catherine Wheel. Yeah.

And after St. Catherine. I mean, come on, people. Anyway, he said, I think we'll have to go to a poo rat area. He didn't. I said, what are you talking about? Can I say I love this man? And I said, what are they? People using them for warmth.

What does he mean by that? He was absolutely spot on. He was right. He was spot on. I went to Hampstead. I went to four shops and said, have you got fireworks? First world problems. They looked at me.

What? I said, sparklers? No. No? Ended up with a scented candle, didn't you? I just got some matches. Well, is it because in the affluent areas they go to organised displays, perhaps? Well, I don't know what it is, but you'd think in a poorer area you'd go to a display because it's cheaper than buying your own.

Yes, but they're less, no offence to anyone in this room. No, no, economics works. They're less paranoid about accidents and things happening, perhaps. They're less helicopter parents. I can't. I'm saying that's a good thing. I can't, perhaps. They're less helicopter parents. Um, I can't. I'm saying that's a good thing. I can't sanction it. Anyway, I went to a posh bit in London. No, I'm saying that's a good thing.

They're less neurotic. So you people listening thinking those posh people, they've got everything on their doorstep. You cannot get a firework. And I'm talking about November the 5th. That was an eye-opener for me, I must say. Frank Skinner on the radio. What about all these people?

Counting to a million. Telling us how long it would take to count to a million. Yeah. How long would it take? Well, 646 has said, if you said a number a second, it would take 11 and a half days to count to a million. I'm not doing it.

1, 4, 3 takes about two weeks to count to a million. But it only takes about 25 seconds to count to 100. Numbers sure get big quickly. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Numbers do get big quickly. So towards the end, you wouldn't be getting a hundred...

You think numbers get big quickly? What towards the end, you wouldn't be getting a hundred... You think numbers get big quickly? What about when people get married? Oh, they pull the ripcord. Oh, they absolutely. Yeah, they do. My favourite one is from Harry. Counting to a million at the rate of two numbers per second would take you 5.87 days.

Works out what I'm doing with my annual leave. Love me. I like him. That would be... I could imagine it as a sort of avant-garde stage show, somebody counting to a million. Well, surely someone has done it at Edinburgh at some point. Like the guy who read The Great Gatsby,

the guy from Taxi, what was he called? Man on the Moon. Andy Kaufman. Andy Kaufman, that was his stage show. Was it? Yeah. I'd say they'd be more interesting than that. What about him? man on the moon. Andy Kaufman. That was his stage show. Was it? Yeah. I'd say that'd be more interesting. What about him? He read, is it the

Leveson Inquiry he read? Over a number of days I think in the summer. In a hut. Respect to Mundo. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ian Angelus texted one of his puns, new show, who wants to count to a million on air?

Who wants to count a million on air? Sorry, I've put an extra two in there. That's absolutely top notch. He's absolutely brilliant. Who wants to count a million on air? Always, always good. Yeah? Yeah, that is good.

But sometimes he soars like a mighty punning eagle. He's gone into new areas as well. Program formats. And I like that. He's probably trying to buy fireworks. I tell you what would be a good texting. What other... If there's anyone from the cards industry, what have they missed? What else have they missed apart from the half years?

Because you can get death and new job, new house and all that sort of stuff. There must be some new ones. New car. Becoming a goth. You know when people go from town...

Congratulations on becoming a goth. You've become a goth. Yeah, that'd be lovely. Okay. 8, 12, yeah. Yeah, that would be lovely. Um, OK. It's at 8.12.15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Coincidentally, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8.12.15,

follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That's that. I thought Philip's show is there. I thought Steve Coogan said to me that when you were doing Vincent Price, think gay Irishman. Oh, yeah. It helps.

Oh, that's useful. Thanks for that. Steve France sent me a Dalek and a George Formby programme, theatrical programme. Could you get a better bundle than that? That's good. No, I was just talking about that all my way past

the window. And Mark Booth sent me his children's book Sydney the Sailboat which I have since read to boss and he loved it.

I hope the sailboat didn't go down. No no it would be like boat boat. Depressing for a child to read about

that. Yeah. Well I don't know I think he's so much death in Disney films now. Well this is true. He's getting used

to it. Every smile there's a tear is that what they say? Something like that. Is that right? That's what they reckon. I doubt that's been properly researched. No, I don't think so. That's like every time you ring a bell, an angel gets its wings.

Is that what they reckon? Yeah. Did not know that. Put prints in the sand, all that sort of stuff. Oh, so have you done Thank You Corner? I think that'll... That'll do for the mini. I have more thank yous, but I don't want this to

sound like a radio show. I'd like to discuss Barack Obama, who's... Well, make the most of it, love. Well, exactly, but let's face it, he is. Because he, I notice, I mean, he's still in the job, he's making the most of his last few months, though,

because he did a little award ceremony this week. He did, yes. What they call freedom medals. 21 freedom medals. Freedom. It was a bit sort of closing scene in Star Wars. That sounds like a Jay-Z song. 21 freedom medals.

But my award is... Let's be careful, people. But my badge ain't won. Do you think he looked at the... Oh, we got there. Or different. Do you think he looked at the table full of medals and went, I've got 21 medals to go.

Maybe he did that. Maybe he did that. He would have been capable of it, because let's face it, he's that cool. Yeah, he's got that sort of, he's a bit... He's very good at... I'm so obsessed now. ...jokey speech, I think.

He's quite good at... The after-dinner speaking career, he's got ahead of him. He's very good. Oh, yeah, you'll make multi-millions. Wouldn't it be odd if he went into, like, entertainment? I don't think you've ever sounded more Birmingham-like. Oh, yeah, he'll make multi-million. He, it was a bit Star Wars, the ceremony, though,

because they are sort of meaningless, these medals. What are they? Well, no medals. Oh, come on, they're just little blue ribbon things with the plastic. Oh, they're lovely-looking medals. I know, but when he did it on Robert De Niro, it got all tucked into his collar. It went a bit wrong.

Oh, I didn't like the photos. And he didn't want to adjust it. Ellen DeGeneres didn't want to adjust it. He did the mouth, Robert De Niro, when he put it on. He did that, you know, the downward turn mouth? Yes, that one. He also. Yeah, that's exactly, that's perfect.

I know these sort of impressions on radio aren't what they could be. No, he also did a weird thing. When he started, they started saying, you know, doing the citations, which I believe some military personnel person did, which was aations, which I believe some military personnel person did, which was a mistake, can I just say, Barack? Because he's not good at the speeches.

He kept getting his words wrong, the military personnel. You should have got that from X Factor. It's Andrew! Bill and Melinda Gates! But the way he just used to shout, very straightforward Christian names. Can you still say Christian names? Hold on.

So, four names? No, you can't. First names, yeah. First names. Screw that. It's Martin! As if that's... I mean, it's just not exciting enough, those names.

No. On their own. At one point, though, De Niro did that, again, a very Robert De Niro thing. He hit someone with a baseball bat sitting at the table. No, he didn't whack someone. But when the military man was doing his citation and talking about his nuanced portraits that he brings to the screen, De Niro started nodding, which was a bit inappropriate.

Which I thought was quite Frank Skinner. I like that. I like that. He does now. No bashfulness from De Niro. He was just gently nodding, as if to say, yeah, that's right. I'll tell you what Elton John said. He got furious when him and David Furniss,

they used to call him Roberta. Oh, did he not like that? He would not take that. No, he was... I love your Elton John anecdotes. There's one a week out. I was Elton John's friend for about eight minutes, during which time I gathered enough anecdotes to last me a lifetime.

And then suddenly he despised me. Well, that's because you and David did something on Fantasy Football. No, it wasn't David. This was post-David. Oh, was it? I don't know what it was, but the next time I saw it, he physically turned his back on me. Oh, dear. And that's a lot of back.

But even so, that eight minutes was lovely. Rock-a-bred! My house is a world of fear! He gave me some CDs, told me a lot of great stories. We played a game. We played that game when you put yellow stickies on your head and you have to guess who you are. You played that with Elton John?

You played that with Elton John. Who did you have then? Can you remember? I was Ian Cranky and he was Bobby Crush. Sometimes it's hard to know where real life ends and hilarious improvisation begins with you. What about Frank and I? I'm going to swear to you, it's true. What about Frank and I play Pictionary with Michael Hutchence?

Oh, that's true, yeah. He's rubbish. Was he? I can't remember. He had so much velvet on him. I had a complete lint attack. I was so worried that the bit he was going to leave there covered in bits.

I couldn't concentrate. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. So, Barack It was sort of a bit medals for the mates Can I just say, sorry to interrupt But I was watching the news

Is Fidel Castro He must have been gutted, hadn't he That Guevara got all the t-shirts And the posters Because he was like the main It's like if people were wearing Robin T-shirts now instead of Batman. Right.

Yeah. It must have been... Well, they're clever, these people. Always wear one piece of clothing, you become famous. He'd be the second most frustrated person on the planet. The first being everyone who were full-time writers of children's books have suddenly been invaded by all these celebrities who take... I mean, how gutted are those people?

Yeah. If there's any, like, career children's writers listed, you have... I'm not coming, don't worry. I'm not going to do one. Michael Morpurgoo, he's wonderful. Oh, God, and that woman... J.K. Rowling.

She's done all right. Yeah, she's done all right. The one and that woman... J.K. Rowling. She's done all right. Yeah, she's done all right. The one with the white hair and the glasses is very famous. I know, Jacqueline. Jacqueline, yes. If there's any children's writers, like the man who sent me the sailboat... Oh, yeah.

Can I apologise on behalf of the celebrity community? Well, some of our friends do it. I know. God bless them. But I'm just saying... I'm not saying that they're, you know, the type of video I'd say is more YA. Yes.

Oh, young adult. But can I apologise on behalf of the celebrity community for what we've trampled your careers? And I just say I'm not part of it. And I'm sorry. OK, carry on. So, anyway, Barack, what he's done frank he's he's letting his friends in because it's the last look at the white house they're not going to get a look in for

the next eight years let's be honest no are they going to be two terms for oh yeah the donald 100 Donald. 100. Wow. I think if they're... You heard it here first. Yeah. They are going to be deemed, what I believe Scientologists referred to, as suppressive persons. Oh. That's what they'll be called, these people. Or as what Doctor Who fans call the not we. Oh, I like that.

Okay. So we've got in the White House. I can't see... They're not going to get back in I can't see Diana Ross being invited round to Trump's White House Or Ellen DeGeneres Or Bruce Springsteen She's quite your type

I have to say Well I don't have to say because we're on Breakfast Radio but I've always thought she's a very Hot potato I do I don't have to say, because we're on breakfast radio, but I've always thought she's a very hot potato. I do. Ellen. If I was that way inclined. She's what I call my flogging a dead horse crush.

Oh, right. Yeah. Martina Navratilova was one of my flogging a dead horse crushes as well. If I was feeling sapphic, that would be the way to go. I always loved Martina. I think it's all right to... I think it's like staring at someone on the opposite escalator. Yeah.

You know, you're never gonna see them again, but anyway, she's lovely. So, this is, well, she cried during this, but she was very moved. She looked great in that suit as well. And she nearly didn't get in, you know, she forgot her ID, so she she tweeted a photograph of herself sat outside on a

bench. Have you ever locked yourself out of your own home and felt stupid? have you had that moment where the door clicks behind you? she must have felt really stupid not having ID when she went to the workhouse well I did a thing the other week which is what she should have done afterwards I did it

I know what you did have I told you about it on air? I can't remember I was at a football thing I can't believe you're going to tell us. Have I told you about it on air? I can't remember. No, but you've told me. I was at a football thing. I won't go into details, but I was, it was a West Brom thing, and I was walking in, and you're supposed to have a wristband thing, and the guy said, have you got a wristband? Or have you got a pass, is what he said.

And I said, hold on a minute, and I searched my pockets, and then I went, oh, I've got it, and then I pointed at my face. I can't believe I a minute. I searched my pockets. And then I went, oh, I've got it. And then I pointed at my face. I can't believe I did that. I cannot believe it. You can. Yeah, I can. Darling, we can all believe it. Well, why didn't Ellen do that?

She's got, she's more famous than me by a country mile. Why didn't she do that? Think about that tonight. Think on why she didn't do that. When you're on the thinking step, as you can consider. On the celebrity thinking step. Am I a good person? Frank Skinner on the radio.

We were talking earlier as well about bespoke cards, and Geoff Owen has tweeted us an idea for a bespoke card. Casey just tuned in. I said I'm amazed that the card companies have missed out on half birthdays as a potential thing and there must be other things they've missed out on. Well Jeff, we were talking about Barack Obama's strange Star Wars medal ceremony.

Jeff has tweeted, sorry you didn't get the presidency card. Yeah. Niche, I'll give you that. It is a bit. But I suppose people don't get the presidency of other things. Yeah. a bit, but I suppose people don't get the precedency of other things. You know, the National Cartwheeling Society and stuff like that. 982 has texted

cards, how about congratulations on leaving the European Union? I mean, give it time. Who do you send it to, though? What about, say for... Everyone in England but in several years' time. Richard, sir, one for display on the sideboard, wishing you every happiness in your new clandestine affair.

What about if for a plastic surgery one, congratulations on your new face? 225 has said, congratulations, you counted to a million. Fairly niche. niche yeah it is niche Thurston has suggested congratulations on hosting the Brits cards I don't think many people would enjoy those and Kev Hawkins has come up with possibly

the best money maker that the card industry has ever heard if they're listening I think this could be a game changer what about the unbirthday for every one birthday you have 364 unbirthdays. Yeah. I've seen the... Is that from Disney's Alice in Wonderland?

He said that's what the Mad Hatter said. Yes. And there's a song. A very merry unbirthday to us, to us. He was on drugs, that one. That could mean that they sold cards every day of the year, which is what they want, surely. Hatters, they...

There was a smoke, wasn't there, come from the glue that they used. That's why he's a mad hatter. Oh, is that right? A lot of milliners went mad because of the strange fume. Oh, thank... What about Ross Hitchin? Hence the rhetorical question, who wants to be a milliner? Oh, yeah. What about Ross Hitchin? Very good. Congratulations on having

your penalty points removed. That is good. I'd like that one. That is good. I love that. What about, well done, congratulations on surviving that car accident. Yeah. That'd be nice. Yeah. I mean be nice. Yeah.

I mean, on the penalty points one, they could roll it out further, and well done, your conviction is now spent. You know, when people have to answer spent on a job application, if they've been in the jail. Oh, do they? Yeah, yeah. In the jail? Are you spelling that G-A-O-L? Yeah, exactly. I'm glad you heard that.

Thank you. The jail sounds like, what, the jail down at the end of the street there where old Marshall Harris sits? The jail? Yeah, the jail on, and they damn near pulled the wall down. Oh, I mean, I love your use of jail.

Why not? I'm imagining you having louver doors at home. It's a literary kind of show, so I thought I'd say it as I'd read it. You and Gail. Jail. Yeah. I like, um... 145 has said...

I like a Wild West jail. 145 has said, Good morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. I think a card that the manufacturers have missed out on is good luck with your exams, Mum. I think he's doing a joke about, like, young mums. Oh, yeah. But because my mum was a further education student,

I just read it as a... Oh, yeah, I could have done with that back in the day. But I like that he hasn't gone into the stereotype that young mothers don't bother with their education. Exactly. So respect to him for that. Well done. Well, as John Kettle says,

you don't see many respect-a-mundo greeting cards. No, that is true. I can't imagine why. Maybe we should have a card saying, well done, you got your text read out. Yeah. Congratulations on your new hat. Rubbish.

Frank Skinner on the radio. Hat. Robbie. Frank Skinner on the radio. I mean, Obama and this medals thing. You got 21 medals to go. Yeah. He's basically giving them to people he likes, his friends, a little bit. A little bit, isn't he? It's a bit like if Frank suddenly had that power.

Well, if I gave medals to my friends... If it was 21 medals to go... Well, that would be a struggle. Well, I hope I'd get in there... You've got 17 medals left. Exactly. Easy. I could hold the ceremony in a G registration Hillman Imp. Well, let's give you the benefit of the doubt and assume Alan and I got medals.

Also, it's people that Obama likes and wants to hang out with. So, Peter Capaldi would get one. Or Keith would get one, just out of respect. Jesse Eisenberg. Yeah. And Mrs Brown's boys, Carsten Kru. That's your 21. I wonder if Bieber might get in there.

Yeah, Bieber. He does think he's a lovely looking man, doesn't he? I know, but he's turned a bit just lately, Bieber. Yeah. That's good news for you. Yeah. He punched someone in the face the other day. I think he did, yeah.

The fan. Yeah. Yeah. I think Obama's awards... The fan. That's what happened. That is quite fine work. Very good.

I think it's a flashback to when Eric Cantona did something similar. I'm not taking full credit. Okay. Anyway. Yeah, I... I watched the whole thing, Frank. An hour long. I think if there's anyone out there who's holding a showbiz party

and they're wondering how to get A-listers along. Yeah. Medals. Yeah. They love it. They love a medal. I'd turn up for a medal to an event I wasn't really fancy, but I thought, if I'm going to get a medal...

I mean, I haven't got a medal for ages, but when you do get one, it's brilliant. Thanks. Well, I did fast forward, and I know this doesn't show me in a great light, but so much doesn't. I did fast forward through the technology and philanthropist. I'm sorry. I wanted to see Tom

Hanks and I wanted to see Diana Ross. Yeah. I can't help it. No, I think that's fair enough. I got a medal when I became, when I stopped being the president of the Samuel Johnson Society, I got a medal. I got a medal for my honorary degree,

Birmingham Polytechnic. It's all gone a bit, congratulations, your penalty points have been erased. Yeah, have we accidentally gone back to the weird greetings card conversation? I never got one for any of that. What about when I got a medal for giving out Duke of Edinburgh awards? You didn't. Yeah, I got an award for it, for giving them out. That is good.

Brilliant. Better than bivouacking. Yeah. Who wants to bivouack when you can just do a funny speech and just give some kids some medals? Easy. Yeah. Oh, yes.

So did you enjoy the ceremony? Tom Hanks, I mean, how can you not like Thomas J. Hanks? I like the full name he got. Oh, did he get that? He went Thomas J. Hanks. Nice. And then it was Bruce F. Springsteen. Who, I think, by the way...

Is it their middle initial? Well, there's not another Bruce Springsteen in the crowd, surely? No, exactly. Oh, that would be terrible if there was. Just a clerical error guy would come along thinking he was getting a medal. Just Bruce Springsteen, like a painter. No, no, not you, sir.

Bruce F. Springsteen. Bruce F. I once went to the Barn Social Club in Aston. Congratulations. And there was a woman on called Zoe Springsteen. All right. And I always remember she said, clap your hands if you love Tamlam Old Town.

And she put her hands above her head and clapped, which rose up the whole mini dress. She was in her 50apped, which rose up the whole mini dress. She was in her 50s, rose up the whole mini dress. Goodness me. And, um, yes. Not quite sure how to end this anecdote, are you? She should have got a medal, if you ask me. Thank you, Bernard.

Well, I tell you, also who's clapping, would have clapped the Motown was Diana Ross. Of course. She was there and she had a little bit of trouble with her wig, I think. Was it always... It's not a wig, is it? Oh, come on, Emily.

No. I find your naivety so touching. Not Dee. Very frizzy there. Was she announced as Dee Ross? Ross. That's a bit unkind. What about when I saw Diana Ross live?

Have I ever told you this? I saw Diana Ross live at the NEC, and there was a bit where she took a single red rose in her hand and she walked... Have I told you this? A woman in a wheelchair at front of stage. At front of stage? She handed the woman in the wheelchair the red rose.

It was a beautiful moment of her, of how caring she was. And then when I was leaving the NEC, I saw a wheelchair being loaded onto the truck, the two-wheel truck thing with all the speakers and stuff. It could have been a coincidence, but... Awful. You heard it here first.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in correction. We always go with a correction. Sorry, Frank, Unbirthday is from Lewis Carroll, not Disney. I think you said it was the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland, so maybe it's... You know, I have read the book, but... And they continue, and it was Mercury in the Hats.

First-time contributor, long-time reader. Well, welcome, 135. But I still think of On Birthday as the song on birthday. Sorry. I think you need to learn to say birthday before we... You're talking about Alice in Wonderland. I'd like to talk about Ronaldo and Disneyland. Oh, yeah?

If I may be so bold. Cristiano Ronaldo. Have we done with the party? What else do you want to say about the party? No, you're quite right. It's the end of party? What else do you want to say about the party? Well, no, you're quite right. It's the end of the ride. I'm happy to talk more about the party. The floor is yours, boys. What will next year's party be like?

Oh, yeah, that could be. Oh, no, is it when he's leaving office? Does it happen every year? I think you do one every year. Goodness me. So, Donald Trump, it'll be his family who'll all get one. Yeah. A lot of baseball caps. Farage. A lot of red faces. Farage will get one. Unabomber. Unabomber family will all get one. A lot of baseball caps. Farage. A lot of red faces. Farage will get one. Unabomber.

Unabomber. He could get one. It'll be someone extreme. Can I just say, I had a thought this week and this was a serious, honest thought. Were you on the celebrity thinking step? Yes, I was thinking about the Freedom Medals and it occurred to me, in January I get

my Freedom Pass. You may know. Which is for being for becoming 60 you get a pass and you get You're looking good on it may I say. Thank you.

You get free bus tube underground travel reduced on the river, on the boats. What do you mean on the river? What is it? Emirates Airways reduced high prices. Oh, so reduced on the river, wind in the willows. Doesn't seem that.

Yeah, you know, when you get one of the boats. And one of those boats to the OT. But I mean, free train tube and bus things. I thought to myself, would I rather have that, or would I rather have had a Freedom Medal from Barack Obama? I decided I'd rather have the pass. I'd rather be able to get on a bus and not pay than have that. So that was happening to me.

Yeah. Well, maybe Bruce F. Springsteen and Thomas J. Hanks got that too. That would be... They won't get a Freedom Pass. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just say, before we move off this, is it no surprise to anyone that Bruce Springsteen hates Donald Trump? Because I think Bruce Springsteen, it's out there in the public domain

that he thinks he's the boss. Yes. And Donald Trump is hosting The Apprentice and saying, you're fired, you're fired. And he's like, no, no, no, I'm the boss. But ironically, he's held up as the, you know, he represents the working man. Yeah, there's conflict there, isn't there?

What about when I heard Kid Jensen on Radio 1 playing Born in the USA? And during the instrumental break, he faded the music down a bit and went, the kid plays the boss. That's Broadcasting Heights that will never scale, I think it's fair to say. I love that, that's brilliant.

Sorry, you were talking about Ronaldo. The kid plays the boss. Yeah? The kid plays the boss yeah couldn't you darling the bit of a git plays the boss I might try that if we play

later the git the not good to be known as git skinner though I have to absolutely up front it

I mean I like people to find out gradually Frank G Skinner and his freedom medal when people work with me for the first time,

I like it not to happen day one. I like it to dawn on them. The longer I work with you, the less of a git I think you are. Oh, will I be famous? Will I be rich? I'm really glad he's taken the positive out of that. I thought he was going to get forensic about chapter one of that story. No, I love that.

That's a beautiful thing to say. It's true. Oh. Do you want a list of who else has won Freedom Medals, by the way? Yeah, why not? And then can we talk about Christine Ronaldo later? Some greatest hits. Margaret Thatcher got one.

Did she? Come on. Buzz Aldrin. What year is it? Buzz Aldrin got one. Buzz Aldrin. Bob Dylan's got all the awards.

He's one of these guys. Did he show up? You know the old footballers say get your medals on the table and they have an argument. That's right. He'll be arguing

with Van Morrison about something. Get your medals on the table Morrison about something. Get your medals on the table. Come on. Get your medals on the table, man. It's you who's the best.

Oh, man. I'd love to see that. Frank, did Buzz Aldrin... I hope he didn't wear that NASA bomber jacket. I mean, it's had some use, but come on. I bet there were

so many badges on his jacket he could hardly find space for them. Plunking around that White House. Mother Teresa, though. T.S. Eliot.

Stephen Hawking. He got one. They had the ramp. No problem. It was some really brilliant... It was Diana Ross. Some amazing, amazing people. Diana Ross, yeah.

It was Diana Ross's front row got one. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 812.15. Follow the show on Twitter,

at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. OK. So there we are. 812.15 written on the whiteboard up thereute Radio website. OK. So there we are. 8.12.15, written on the whiteboard up there, in case I forget. When they came in, it said on the whiteboard, listen to the Frank Skinner show.

Did it? Yeah. So that must be something they forced the other DJs to say. No, actually, I wrote that up for me. Oh, did you? Just as a little aid memoir. I keep drifting off. Oh, I love an aid memoir.

Now, did you see the photographs of Christine Rinaldo this week? I did. In disguise? Yeah. Well, he was in Disneyland Paris. Christine Rinaldo in disguise with a hooded top. He was papped. with a hooded top.

He was papped. Cristiano Ronaldo in disguise with a hooded top. I mean, if we are going to give him disguise advice in case he's listening, if you go with the wig, you don't need the hat and hood. He was with a... It looked like he was a balancing act.

Like, how many things can... He went a little OTC. Small bedside table. Walking stick. I don't know what you mean. What is it, in the circus? Well, let's just, let's dissect forensically the look. Yeah. There were sunglasses, which

FYI Daily Mail, we don't need to know they're tinted sunglasses. They're just sunglasses. They've got a word cam to hit. They call them tinted sunglasses. What do they think of next? He went for a very, they called it

heavy hooded jacket, I'm going duffel coat. Would they say that Stephen Hawking arrived with non-tinted sunglasses? Yes. You'd never say that, would you? He also went for an extraordinary roll neck. Oh, yeah.

Which was a bit... Oh, yeah, it's a big roll neck. It was huge. It was... You don't see them in this decade, or the previous one, or the previous one. No. It's physics teacher in Wisconsin in the 80s, I'm going.

I think it's a display of wealth. I think he's saying, look at how much wool I can afford. And the most bizarre wig I've ever seen in my life. Yes, a curly wig. And I've seen some. I've worn some. Yeah, I'll bet.

And the crowning glory is something where I think you'd think, well, no, that can't be him. A girlfriend. So, um... Lock up your daughters, everyone. Brilliant disguise. Yeah. But people did recognise him, everyone. Brilliant disguise. Yeah. But people did recognise him, ultimately.

Yeah, amazingly. He didn't go for the, I noticed, often what they use for the disguise is the beard. No, that's true. Interesting, that. Not a hint of beard. It's an interesting contrast. Last week we were talking about England's big star footballer

who was out with his shirt with his name on the back. This is an interesting study in the stages of fame, I think. When you're absolutely on the top of your game, you have to go out in heavy disguise. When, let's say, your star is starting to wane, you have to have your name on you. I sympathise with this. Well, I'll tell you what was unfortunate

was that he decided to then go on a rollercoaster with wig and... Oh, it was some sort of log boom. Head-balancing act. Yes. It was strange. He was clutching onto that wig for dear life. Poor decision-making.

It was very embarrassing. I mean, as a footballer, he's got good decision-making, but as an individual in disguise, I think three things atop head avoid rollercoaster is one of the rules I live by. Well, it was a water-based ride, and imagine that wig, that sad wig sort of floating around afterwards in the ride. Perhaps it wasn't a wig, and perhaps he's one of those people that when his hair gets wet,

he goes really curly. And that's what he was embarrassed about. What did he ask for when he got the wig? Can I have the kind of Kim Kardashian, momager wig? He looked a bit, it was a bit, it was quite matriarchal, the wig. It was curly, though.

It was curly. It was Nicola Sturgeon. I think she said Harper Marks please. Can I have the Harper Marks and then I'm going out. I think you have to mime the Harper Marks. He took the wig off when he went to the nightclub I noticed.

That was sensible. Yeah. Well later on I think he wanted to look like Cristiano Ronaldo. During the day he was incognito wasn't he? Did the lady go to the nightclub with him or just his friends? I don't know. I've never actually tried the disguise. No?

Well, I'm worried enough about not being recognised as it is without making it damn near impossible. We've heard from the outside world. Oh, yes. We've had a texting from a friend of the show, David Baddiel. I don't think he'll like being described as an inhabitant of the outside world. He's very much the inner sanctum. He's in the inner circle, absolutely.

Today, he's not in the studio. So this is from Dave to me. Redisguised at football matches. Asked Frank about Alter Manor. Oh yes, Alter Manor. We went to, we were in Germany for the World Cup, David and I. Freebie?

Oh, it was working. Working? And we got, obviously there were a lot of England fans at the England games. So we got a fair bit of stick. And Dave had this idea of getting a mask. Oh, yeah. So we bought, it's called Alta Mana, which means old man.

So it was an old man mask. So I said, I'm not wearing a mask. I'm not having it. And anyway, we'd arrive and people would go, Whoa, Frankie. All right, Dave. Legend. But no difference.

Nothing. Oh, really? When you had it on? Dave is a person. They just thought you looked terrible. Dave. I don't know what it is about Dave, but he once dressed as Casper the Friendly Ghost in the full outfit.

He still looked like Dave. It's something about these general presents in the world. and he still looked like Dave. It's something about his general presence in the world. Dr. Evil? He came as what? Dr. Evil. Yeah, but there's more of him exposed then, but I mean as Casper, still spot him. See, my partner always

says to me, sometimes I wear dark glasses because it's sunny and then I get recognised and I think, oh, I say to her, surprise, people recognise me? And she's saying, no, it's not for a disc, because it's sunny, and then I get recognised, and I think, oh, I say to her, surprise, people recognise me, and she's saying, no, that's your forehead. You'd have to cover that if you don't want to be recognised. Beanie.

Very insensitive. Well, maybe this is something to do with the celebrity. Your features are very distinguishing. They stand out, that's why. No, no, but when I used to hang out with Dave a lot in our glory years, people would come up and go, oh, right, Dave, I love fantasy football. Where's Frank? And I'd be standing literally next to him.

Really? So I'm sort of bland. What do you think? Bland facially. It's fine. It's fine. I went to Disneyland. I didn't need the wig hat, shade girlfriend combo.

The Ronaldo disguise. Lovely to hear from Dave, though. Well, he's got in touch again. There's no stopping the man. He's calling me a damn liar. Altamana was confiscated by German police. Oh, yes, it was. That's true.

They don't let you go into football grounds in disguise in Germany. Do you think he's going to keep texting me at 2am about Altamana? I have to say, it's not the first Alta Mana to be confiscated by German police. Anyway, let us move on. Wow, let's get back to the safe zone of Cristiano Ronaldo. Yes, no one's ever said that before. So we decided that the disguise didn't work, because obviously the paparazzi recognised him.

And followed him around for the day, it seemed. You'd think after they'd taken the first photo, he'd have heard the... and thought, oh, I probably don't need this outfit on anymore. But he really stuck with it. I suppose maybe he just didn't want to burn. Hmm.

Didn't want what? Sunburn. Oh, right, yeah. You know, you can go tan or you can go curly wig. The celebrity these days tends to fall back on the baseball cap, which, unfortunately, has gone a bit Make America Great Again

the baseball cap. I would love one of those. Would you? Yeah. But for ironic reasons. Make America Great Again. Yeah, one of those. I mean, it's the wrong colour, isn't it?

A white, white America. Frank, I think you'll find mean, it's the wrong colour, isn't it? A white white. Frank, I think you'll find we've got a Trump apologist in the house today again. Let's hear him. Let's hear him then. Some of the finest Trump apologists I've heard. I haven't. I mean, you secretly have been a fan for

a long time, haven't you? Not a fan, but I just think, you know. Have you got shares in the international gel industry? The gold lift, well... How many have been... The gold lift. Golden lift. He loves the golden lift. Oh, he loves the golden lift. Is that what it's called?

There was a picture of him and Nigel. He's got gold lifts. Yeah. He likes a gold lift. I don't know whether they're gilt or gold-plated. I thought it was a description of his hairstyle. Which fits, because it is golden, and it does look like it's a platform.

It looks like an observation platform. I think it's more burnt toffee apple. Oh, that's good. He's the man that comes with his own balcony. Yeah. It's like spun sugar. I didn't tell you that was when me and Buzz ended up on the 5th of November.

I couldn't get him any fireworks, so I took him out onto the balcony in our house and we just looked at the sky. Oh, really? It was like Bob Cratchit saying, I can't buy you no fireworks, tiny Tim, but we can go and look at them off the other people's. Yes, Bob Cratchit and his well-known balcony in Hampstead.

Yeah, well, look, if Scrooge had said, you know, you'll get no money out of me, Bob Cratchit, but you can, look, if Scrooge had said, you know, you'll get no money out of me, Bob Cratchit, but you can... Oh, you can... Oh, go on, you can use the balcony. Can I go sewer le balcon, Mr Scrooge? Just do it, Bob. Ah, there you go. What the dickens.

Frank Skinner on the radio. I met Rufus Wainwright, who I was a big fan of. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I said a couple of amusing things and he went... No. I haven't listened to a track since, not a single track. Whilst we're talking of laughter, I was fortunate enough

to be invited down to Elstree Studios this week to watch Room 101 being recorded with yourself and the cockerel. Indeed. Spoiler alert. And it was a marvellous evening, except for the bit can I say, when they didn't

know who I was, and I was forced into some terrible holding pen and I was struggling to get out of it. But that's a whole other story. I think that's my fault, because I put knowing who Emily is into room 101, so from that moment on it was all over for people knowing who you are.

I was sat there in the audience. Yes, I sat in the audience. The struggle is real. And behind me, Frank's Kath was there. And a lovely lady she works with called Daisy, I believe. Yes, that's right. But what I didn't know about Daisy is her laugh is quite unbelievable. In fact, while it was so loud, you actually referred to it and singled her out. I think we've got a seagull in. Oh, okay. And when you're with the person...

That was Daisy, was it? Yes. There we go, that's what I was after. But, you know, I like a laugher. Yeah. Oh, she's a laugher, all right. I like it when somebody's... Kathy's more of, oh, that's funny.

Right. I like it when somebody's got a big laugh and a comedian says, could you run about a bit? Oh, I love that. Oh, I've done that's funny. Right. I like it when somebody's got a big laugh and a comedian says, could you run about a bit? I love that. Oh, I've done that one myself a few times. Can I ask you, I'm the host of a panel show on BBC One called Room 101. It's part of my plan to get my ultimate hosting job,

which is the pools panel. Is it? That's where I dream of hosting that. Oh, I can see you on that. The winters are getting warmer. That's limiting my chances. But no, we had a lovely night. Cockerell was very funny.

We danced, we sang. There was soft cheese in the green room. Speak for yourself. There was nothing in that green room. I went in there. I said, I'm desperate for food. There was a box of Quality room. I went in there. I said, I'm desperate for food. There was a box of Quality Street behind the bar.

Quality, quality, quality street, all the fun of the share. I was so hungry by the end of it, I went up to your runner and I said, excuse me, I'm going now, but could I have a bit of your birthday cake to take in the car home? Really? She hadn't even cut it. She hadn't even blown out the candles. Those lovely times when we used to go to a party and when you left, you'd be given a piece of the cake in tissue paper. Do you remember that? Good times.

I ate it in the car, Cockrell, didn't I? Great times when you could get fireworks at the bottom of the road. Yeah. Yeah. I just took a moment out there to just think that over. You allowed that moment. Is there enough of that on radio? We can stop talking about Room 101 soon,

because when I do a television programme, I don't even watch it when it goes on. Oh, he says about to talk about it. I like to do it and then forget that it's ever happened until years later when someone reminds me of it. I take a Boris Becker in the cleaning cupboard approach to television shows. I hope you won't be reminded by a complete facsimile of yourself I take a Boris Becker in the cleaning cupboard approach to the television shows.

I hope you won't be reminded by a complete facsimile of yourself in child form. That would be weird. We shared one cab together. You and Boris Becker? No, me and Alan. Oh, I thought you and Boris Becker. I wonder what was the next part of that story. Oh, good service.

You always had a very good service. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I know what I wanted to ask you about, Frank. The Catholic Church has a new app for those with an urgent confession. I'm not suggesting that you've got an urgent

confession to make. I've always got one on the back burner. Have you? Is that how it works? Is it? Like snooker when you've got an urgent confession to make. I've always got one on the back burner. Have you? Is that how it works? Is it? Like snooker when you've got one rolled over the pocket. Yeah, you leave it there and you think when I get a chance I just must remember. You need a little sort of sin list. Do you?

Otherwise you might forget. Do you ever write them down though? Or do you just keep them in your mental roller deck? Write them down? I've built a stand-up career on them. Write them down and retell built a stand-up career on them. Write them down and retell them. Doesn't that slightly defeat the purpose, though, if you could be seen?

Yeah, but, you know, as long as it's out there. Well, now it is out there. As long as it's out there, it might get some laughs, wouldn't it? Yeah, true. Because they've got an app. Yeah, they've invented an app and it uses similar technology to the dating hookup app tinder which i've heard of yeah and then and they're calling it uh it's nicknamed cinder cinder yeah the real the real name is the catholic app but it's going to be called cinder it is going to be called so you

can find the nearest confession to you at that time and And the nearest mass, I think. Yeah. I mean... They launched it in Rome, Frank, in St Peter's Basilica. Yeah, that seems like a good place to launch. It's the best place. Can't be many apps. For the Catholics. Launch there. No.

It's a great app launch venue. Well, I liked that they were talking about it on the Vatican radio. I didn't know there was a Vatican radio. Oh, yes. Oh, I'm obsessed by that. Is it? I've got three Roman Catholic apps. What are they? Tell us what they are.

I've got the Daily Readings, the Pope's app, his own app, and the Catholic Calendar. Lovely. Very good. And now you've got... So will you be downloading Cinder? Can I say I've also got the complete Shakespeare tree ID, which you can use to identify any tree in Britain,

and Gone Smoke, which is the full list of... and all the audio episodes from the radio series of Gone Smoke. That's the kind of apps, kind of variety I've got kicking around. A lot of room on his phone, isn't there? A lot of room. Oh, yeah. If I put apps on my phone, I have to start deleting family photographs. You need bigger, more bytes. I think you're right. I do need more bytes. I've always said that.

What do you think of this cinder, Frank? I think it's a brilliant idea for me. It's a profoundly practical idea. Is it? Yeah, totally. I'm seeing it right up there with Toilet Finder. You ever seen that one? No. There were several versions of it. What's that?

It's public toilet places you can go to the toilet. There's even one called Petloo. Grindr. Where you can find the nearest pet toilet. I'm sorry. I said isn't that Grinder? What's the... I'm in a small cottage industry.

Very good. But there's one of Petloo where you can find the nearest pet toilet. Now that I love. You just look down, don't you? There it is. It's called The Floor. Well I've just got B just look down, don't you? There it is. It's called the floor. Well, I've just got borrow my doggy. Have you? You've done what? Borrow my doggy.

That's a new one. I borrow a dog. Loner dog. Have you borrowed one yet? I'm about to. You'll find out more shortly. Oh, that sounds good. I've got a dog that I don't walk. Maybe I should be going It's a whippet, isn't it? Yeah. I'm not going all the way to Manchester for a whippet. No. But if I

had the confession and the maths, I would use it quite a lot. Would you? What, cinder? Yes, I'd use cinder. Well, it's got ones I hardly ever use. Either bald booth or

fat booth, and I've got them. Those have gone. Yeah. I just think that people know now. Yeah, you did me in those. Most people in Britain know what they look like fat. What they want to do is get one that reverses the process to give them some sort of incentive.

You need Thinder for that. Thinder? Thinder. Thinder. Is that an actual one? Oh, Thinder. See what you look like slim if you lost the weight. Is that. Thinder? Thinder. Is that an actual one? Oh, Thinder. See what you look like slim if you lost the weight. Is that right?

I made it up. You need to write that down and post it to yourself. I was thinking of one if you're a bit down. You need to find out the nearest comedian to tell you a funny joke. What's that? Called Grinder. That wouldn't be confusing, would it? No, I can't imagine any problems with that.

I think that would be fine. We were talking about Cinder. I worry that this is the beginning of all the alphabet being used in Inders. Do you think so? Yeah, we've got S-I-N, Cinder now, for people that need a nearby confession. What if we go to Binder for people that have got litter? Oh, yeah.

Well, I thought that was if you got rid of an X. Yes. Very good. Of course, if Bill Gates had come from West Bromwich He would have had Winders Instead of Windows Oh yeah He could be a glazier

In the West Midlands And your app could be called Winder You can get Rinder Which tells you where Judge Rinder is At any point in time I think there's already an app that does that. Yeah, begin with J.P.

Vinder, Frank. Vinder, for a nearby curry. Excellent. Oh, you're playing absolute blinder. I know you've been to South Africa recently. You should try, Cinder. I think you'd like confession. Oh, do I? I think I would.

You talk about yourself. Well, I have therapy. Yeah, it's a similar thing. And I do like to talk about myself. recently you should try your cinder i think you'd i think you'd like confession i think i would talk about yourself therapy yeah it's a similar thing i do like to talk about myself yeah but when you have therapy do you get a private box oh no can i ask you a question about uh confession you can is it free it is free cheaper than therapy anything free can you sort of save them up like the credit card thing do you pay as you go i? I mean, if you said, I haven't... Because it's the idea that, let's say, there was something that had happened four years ago, I'd forgotten about it.

Do they say, well, that's too old now? No, no, it's like, you know, if you're self-employed, if you find some receipts from the, you know, 2005, you can still cash them in. Can you? Yeah. And do they ever say how long, if you haven't been there for a long time?

No. Yes. Do they? Well, yeah do they ever say how long, if you haven't been there for a long time? No. Yes. Do they? Well, yeah. They will sometimes say, I haven't been for two years. I say, what? Again, we're back to the West Midlands.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. It's good. It's like having a lovely hot shower, but on the inside. And is it necessary to actually go? Because surely if they're going for an app, surely they could go for like a FaceTime version, but just not have the face look like a curtain.

A FaceTime? Couldn't you Skype? What you're talking about is a standard phone call aren't you yeah yeah face message where you can't facetime where you can't see their face i think that's already been done yeah what i'm saying is i'll tell you what i'm envisaging i'm envisaging envisaging again i've told you. Like, lots of people... Oh, stop you going to them youth clubs. You know, lots of... Pinder. What are they called? The Catholic priests. They're there with headsets on in what looks like a call centre, just taking

confessions. People doing it on their hands-free kit whilst they're in town. I think there have been phone confessions in the past, but they're not official. I don't think you can get over the phone absolution. Really? Come on. Don't be ridiculous. I'm not sure I see the ridiculousness here.

No, well, I know that. We'll discuss it off air. I'm at the age now, I really want an app called Bench Finder. It just leads me to the... Actually, stumbling across is a concept that's going to not exist in five years. Anything you want, you just look on.

A four-year-old, Mark McDonagh on the Twitter, has suggested Kinder, an app that gives you surprise ideas. That's very good. I did like your Pinder, by the way. I did hear that. Thank you. You know where Lucy Pinder is. Lucy Pinder.

I believe she's in Los Angeles at the moment. Yeah, dating Captain America. Is that right? Still? I think so, yeah. That was a bit of a tense moment. About whether he dumped her or not. It was one of those moments...

Pinder! One of those moments... You're one of the Pinder! You could hear a Pinder drop. Anyway, thanks so much for listening this morning and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!

Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.