The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - #THRIFTY

Episode Date: July 25, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank shares his new method for getting up early. Also the team discuss Minaj V Taylor, The Queen going 'off road' and the man who built as Star Trek Enterprise how. Enjoy!

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on, yes, on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Now, you can text our show, 1-812-15, that's 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

In short, that's how to contact us. You may be featured on the show, if that happens. Yeah. You may not. We're not promising anything. Morning. Morning, Jim. Morning.

Morning. I've decided to start the show like that every week Morning I've decided to start the show With a small bit of family therapy If you'd like to adjudicate between me and Alan Please Frank What do you think of this?

So Alan's appearing tonight In a comedy gig at the Union Chapel I'm going I want to raise this Well I think fair enough There's some other good people on the bill No offence Alan comedy gig at the Union Chapel. All right, we're straight into this, aren't we? No, I want to raise this. Well, I think fair enough. There's some other good people on the bill. No offence, Alan. Ouchy.

No. Anyway, so I'd asked... I was actually going because your girlfriend, Frank, invited me. She sorted me with tickets. So I text Alan, Are you at Union Chapel tomorrow night? I put a darling on the end. Guess what he replied? Sure. You guys after comps?

Hashtag thrifty. I like people who go straight to the point with these things. Yeah. I told him I've already got tickets. He replied, more money than cents. But a lot of people, well, not really, because they were comps. They just came from a different source. Yeah, I never knew that, though.

But a lot of people, see, would have, they'd have from a different source. Yeah, I never knew that, though. But a lot of people would have tiptoed around that. There'd been seven or eight texts before they got to the, you're not getting comps point. But of course, I think Alan is not totally sure whether or not one pays for texts. So he went in early. He wasn't prepared to

take that risk. Anyway, there you are, Union Chapel tonight. Alan Cochran, nice. With lots of other good people, as you say. Yes, the morning thing. I have been woken up this week by... I have the baby monitor next to my head. I keep lizards.

I said I keep lizards. Mm-hm. I said I keep lizards. With lizards, can you hear them? Is it like the tongues? Can you hear them? I'm going to do it again. I have the baby monitor next to my head. I keep lizards. I don't understand what you're talking about. So, anyway...

You can't just keep repeating it. No, when I, you know, I suppose it's like Marconi. One just waits for the breakthrough. When you say breakthrough, you're suggesting the fault lies with us. I'm not even going to discuss it. Oh, please. No.

I'm moving on. No, the thing is, I really like to get jokes. Yeah, guess what? We all do. I feel like if you explain it... I might be on the wrong show. I will eventually get there. Yeah, guess what? We all do. I feel like if you explain it, I will... You might be on the wrong show. I will eventually get there. Well, anyway. So I

have the Bami monitor next to my bed. With lizards. Well, I did this week, so... I think I could use that at the Union Chapel and keep lizards. Do you think it's... Try it. He's going to get angry. It's not so much Frank's joke, is it? What even is it? If you're a stand-up chameleon. You're on fire, Frank.

So, is that what it is? I thought it was Mike Reid's toast. So, yeah, so obviously I'm woken up by my son. Now, when he was younger, he used to cry when he woke up in the morning. But now he calls things out. and it used to be like, Daddy! Daddy! in the morning. But this week, I woke up on Tuesday morning with him going, It's daytime! It's daytime! It's daytime!

I thought it was God telling me about the next phase of my television career. And it's like a weird alarm. time, I thought it was God telling me about the next phase of my television career. And it's quite, it's like a weird alarm. One can imagine having that on an alarm clock. Oh, I quite like it's daytime. Yes. But you sort of wake up and it is daytime. Yeah. So, um, that's

become my method this week of waking up. But I realise I've actually got a few different obviously I've got the alarm which as you know is set on times like 604 right yes and stuff like i'm a big fan of the 43 because i won't yes i won't be a victim of the um of the oppressive 12 but i get where i get woken up in uh in various um ways uh Sometimes just people... I live quite near to the road,

so sometimes just people shouting and stuff. Oh, no. Or, you know, those early morning jobs, like the fruit store setting up, you know. Oh, yeah. It used to be whistling, but that seems to have... Why do you live at Albion Market? I live not far from Albion Market.

And who was in that? There was a singer in it. Oh, yes, there was. Walking Back to Happiness. What was she called? Yes. Helen Shapiro. Very good.

Very good. So, yeah, so that's another method. For example, I was woken up once by an enormous... I live in Hampstead, which is quite a posh place, I'll be honest with you. And I was woken up by an enormous... I live in Hampstead, which is quite a posh place, I'll be honest with you. And I was woken up by an enormous cheer, and that was when they realised that mansion tax wasn't going to happen.

The local residents had joined together in one single voice. But I have other methods, which I will come to. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Absolute Radio. There's a certain percentage of the readership that got your baby monitor joke. Thank you very much. Possibly the most insulting thing you've ever said. And they've been vocal. To help Alan and Emily with Frank's lizard pun, baby monitor joke. A monitor is a lizard.

So woke up by a baby lizard. I'm not sure that explains it. It says 946. It was a pun on monitor. The word monitor and it's many uses I could have said I was woken up by the baby monitor in the people who

hands out the babies in our class you know like the milk monitor but I didn't go that obscure I went and I thought two bright people don't know about the monitor lizard did they buffalo Nick says don't worry, I got the joke. Thank you, Nick.

I love you. And we've got someone else who didn't get a joke, just to make you feel better. We have. We've had 320 has texted in to say, morning, folks, lovely day for the radio. For months now. It is, he's right.

I've been trying to figure out the three two zero okay for months now i've been trying to figure out the meaning of the no but thanks for the tip line well it begins it's an old joke originally from when i say an old joke i mean like probably from the 50s or before in which a bloke says do you know my sister may and the other guy says no but thanks for the tip in other words that she she may if you're lucky she may um give you a big kiss and hog yeah so i would say for example do you know ronnie wood yeah and i say no but thanks for the tip. Well, I hope you don't say that. Because Ronnie Wood. See? There's a

famous Doctor Who writer and script editor called Terence Diggs. But anyway, you know, you get the general Samuel Pepys. Yeah, but he should mind his own business. So it's all that. Vanessa May.

Victoria Wood Oh that's good It's weird emphasis Kim Sears So I hear So that's it That's the gist of it Feel free to use it in your leisure and work life

Do you think they're thinking I'm having that This is going to be a great day for 320. Why is that? Well, as soon as you get that IEM. Oh, no, he's going to ask us what that is. No, I haven't got the time. Haven't got the time. Yeah, I think, do you think when he does

it, his friends will go, 320. I think they will. They'll be wondering what that is. So it's working, the old... We're all learning so much this morning. It's like the old putting university. I feel like you've become more chipper since hearing that people got your monitor joke.

I would agree with you, Alice. The whole demeanour's changed. Because I'm not a person who's ever more than 300 yards away from doubt. But when you two didn't get it, I thought, I haven't invented this, the lizard monitor. That's the trouble with Google. I was talking to a friend, this is true,

I was talking to a friend and I said, I'm going to Zurich in a couple of weeks. And he said, Zurich? And I thought, he's Zurich, isn't he? That's not what it's called. Terrible doubt. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We're talking about you getting up. Oh, yes. The other one is the parrots, of course. What's that? We've got parrots. We've got parrots that live local. Oh, have. The other one is the parrots, of course. What's that? We've got parrots. We've got parrots that live local. Oh, have you? I mean, wild.

They live local? Wild parrots. Right. This isn't a joke about parrots, is it? No, no. It's not like parrots could mean something else. No, it's not going to be that. And then we won't get what it is.

Nothing about lovely parakeets or anything like that. No, we've got these bright green parrots that live in the trees by us. There's all sorts of theories about how they... Some say they were brought over for the filming of African Queen. That's, I think, Pinewood Studios. Some say they were owned originally by Jimi Hendrix and released by him. Probably dubious, but anyway,

they fight in the morning in the tree. They often wake me up. Something about Polly wanting a cracker seems to be the main cause of the argument. It'd be great if they spoke. If they were speaking in the morning. Come on, don't ever! You've never loved my family!

Stuff like that. Or the parrots. It's not me, it's you! That's more of the aftermath, I suppose, of the argument. Yeah. But anyway, so, yeah, what about you? Are you the totally alarm clock people? Oh.

Well, my problem is, now that I'm courting, as you both know... Oh, yes. ..I take even longer to get up in the morning. You can't... It's hot in here. Something confessional, isn't it? 828. I have to take this jacket off.

No, hear me out. Because I, you know I love a chat. I love a chat me. And now, I've got an audience. All the time. So I have to, I like to schedule in a little, little 25 minute chat. I say chat, it's mainly me talking. Okay. It's about

25 minutes. If I don't get to talk I actually feel depressed for the rest of the day. Well it's the same with the parrots. They get really glum. Well that's interesting. René Descartes, the philosopher, never got up before 11 o'clock. He used to wake up quite early and then he used to think.

He used to spend the first two or three hours thinking. I love that chatting time and I've got another thing another little tip for any readers out there who struggle to get up as I do I hit the snooze button and then instead of putting it back down on the bedside table

I just toss it in amongst the duvet and then you'll have to hunt for it it's a good tip it works. Well I did the when I use the duvet and then you'll have to hunt for it. It's a good tip. It works. Well, I did the... When I use the alarm thing on my phone, I put it on the other side of the room. Yeah. So once you're up...

Yeah, I like to do that. I like to do that. But I am also woken up by my little girl who shouts, Mummy! for about an hour any time between half five and seven. You see, if Boz shouts, Mummy! for about an hour, any time between half five and seven. You see, if Boz shouts Mummy, I'm thinking,

well, this is not... Oh, I do think it's not my problem. I still get woken up. It's not like I don't hear the word Mummy. No, that'd be great. But the worst she ever did was, we were staying at my in-laws, and we were sort of asleep all in the same room,

so the whole family, two children, two parents. I was going to be Angela's ashes. And my daughter could speak, she could say normal words and I woke up and I remember sort of stirring and you know when you feel that there's another human's face really close to yours? Well, I can't remember. She was nose to nose, like

extremely close to me, giving me a strange stare and I thought, if she says something like, morning daddy or I love you daddy, it would be a really cute way of waking up. Bear in mind, she could speak English at this point. She said to me something like, there's Alaniki!

I woke up to her speaking in tongues. It was really Thessaloniki! What was it? I woke up to her speaking in tongues. It was really, really terrifying. That's a region in Greece, isn't it? It was awful. Yes, Thessalonica she was trying to say. She'd been looking through holiday brochures all night. Had you been having a long discussion about where to go on holiday?

That's what I do to my boyfriend. She's just terrifying. Caribbean! Yeah, Kath does it with me. She's just talking about where to go on holiday. That's what I do to my boyfriend. She's just terrifying. Caribbean. Yeah, Kath does it with me. Cornwall. Kath doesn't like to fly. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. I'm the subject of getting up in the morning, has anybody... Has my mum made this up? Or is this a thing, like an old wives' tale? If you hit your head on the pillow a certain number of times, that you'll wake up at that time. Oh, I think I have heard that. So my mum would claim, like, if you've got to get up at six, you just have to bash your head on the pillow six times.

There used to be a revision theory at school that if you slept with the book under your pillow, that when you wake up, you would have a pillow. Oh, I tried that. Did it work? I wish that. Did it Buffalo, Frank? Yeah, I don't think that worked.

I sometimes sleep with the curtains open so that I can wake up sort of naturally. I've gone a bit Pete Doherty. It takes me back to my grass verges. You could have done with Buzz then saying it's daytime. Talking about 4pm. Daddy, it's daytime.

Daytime? Where's the sherry? I could have done with him in the 90s. You know people actually buy lamps that do that. True, yeah That they wake you up gradually like that Like the sun coming up Oh you see I'd like that But why buy the lamp if you can open the curtains

Yeah Good point More money saved Hashtag thrifty And then we've got, if I'd have a lie in We've got an accordion player Bosca, who stands in the road by my house.

No. So I get woken up. Such a liar. No, it's absolutely true. Why would I lie about that? Wow. Why would he be in your road? Shouldn't have had a fair road.

We can all carry on this route. Why? Well, I don't know why, but he basically plays one tune, which is, do you know, Oh, How We Danced on the Night We Were Wed? That's barrel organ. I'm not sure I can do accordion. No, I'm familiar with the sound.

What do they play, the Godfather? Oh, yes, yeah. Anyway, he's more of a... We should perhaps just let the readers know he's not pressing any buttons here. No, I'm doing all this orally. This isn't SFX. It's made me realise that he is designed for passers-by, isn't he, as a bosca.

Oh, yeah. So it's all right to play the same tune, because you're not supposed to sit and listen to it for two hours. So, you know, it's a fine tune, don't get me wrong. Yeah. Whenever I think, I always imagine if it rains, he'll be there in an umbrella hat. Oh, yeah.

Because you're only option, really, as an accordion player. Good point. Yeah. Otherwise, when you Because you're only option, really, is an accordion player. Good point. Yeah. Otherwise, when you do one of the long notes, you're getting wet again because the umbrellas are getting further away. Uh-huh. These are the things I think about

when I lie in bed for the 30 seconds I'm allowed to lie in bed every morning. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So I had a request this week, which I think has pushed my celebrity to new heights. Lovely. What was it?

Someone wants to know if they can name their racing ground after me. Oh, that sounds fun. But it's not... They want to call it Viking Frank Skinner. Why is that then? I reckon they probably have got a series of dogs called Viking, with different things. Do you know what I mean?

Like their relatives. Oh, like Viking Mylene Class. Yeah, exactly. Viking Rusty Lee. Yeah, Viking Paul Coyer. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe, you know, it sounds like an action figure, doesn't it?

The Viking Frank Skinner, don't you think? So you could buy various action figures of me in different historical way. Wasn't there a military writer, Frank Skinner? Some guy that you were getting posts for ages ago. No, that's absolutely right. There was someone. We discovered him on Amazon. Like an American military ops guy.

He wasn't a Viking. You don't think you've got some of his posts and they want to name a Raising Greyhound? I'd be upset now to find that. So, yeah, Viking Frank Skinner. I think you can get the Ku Klux Klan Jeremy Clarkson

action figure. Excellent. Ku Klux Clarkson. They call it. And of course, Nazi Princess Margaret. I almost used to say the Klu Klux Klan. Did you used to? Yeah. It's Ku, isn't it, the first one? As in Ku Stark. Is it? Yeah.

Do you say Klu as well? I'll bear that in mind next time I communicate with them. They sometimes crop up in conversation, you'll admit. Like when I'm in Georgia. Sometimes, you know, say

if I'm walking around in just a sheet at home, as one does sometimes, if you're replicating a spectre. But yeah, anyway. Clue Clucks. Remember that radio show?

I'm sorry I haven't took Clue Clucks. So yeah, I quite like the Clue Doe. Clue Doe? Which is like right wing play Doe. Oh yeah. So I think it's quite exciting. I feel like right wing play-do. Oh, yeah.

So I think it's quite exciting. I feel, though, I'll have to start gambling now, won't I? Because if I can Frank Skinner his one, I'm going to have to put a few bob on it. Well, you need the ones that go... Because I used to like that. Is this an urban myth, sort of thing you'd know about greyhounds? Well, you've got one, haven't you?

I've got a whippet, yeah. Same thing. It's a sort of about greyhounds uh well you've got one haven't you i've got a whip it same thing it's a sort of travel greyhound is that an urban myth about if they if they go to the bathroom at the beginning of the race this is a good sign and the one you should bet on this is what i've heard because they're leaner i've heard if they if you see them before the race uh banging their head on a pillow that's where they're going to finish. Right, yeah. Daisy pointed out, that thing about banging your head on the pillow, Daisy, our producer, some of you will know, we don't keep livestock.

She pointed out that when you bang your head on the pillow, if you deliberately do it on the side of the pillow, that's for half past. Oh, yes. Can you believe the simple ways of the folklore driven people of this

country? That's a sentence I didn't think I was going to get out of. I think it was Ronnie Bigg said to me once. I'm not convinced you still have. No, I think it was alright. We can play it back. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. back frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio um i tell you what there used to be an exhibition at wembley of all the sort of great heroes of wembley people who played there in bands and footballers and they used to have um mick the miller who was a famous. And they used to have Mick the Miller, who was a famous

grand. Yeah. They used to have his jacket there. Oh. But it was like Spangly. Spangly, like he was so big, he'd gone sort of a bit Liberace. Oh, lovely. You know those little jackets? Like a sequin jacket. Yeah.

But you know the jackets with the numbers on, they run in. Yeah, yeah. I've often thought I might get one of those for that warm weather. Yeah. Right. But you know the jackets with the numbers on, they run in. Yeah, yeah. I've often thought I might get one of those for that warm weather. Oh, yeah. It's something you never see people... Just like a buckle. I mean, well, it's got like a proper back to it, but I think it'd be all right to wear with jeans.

Oh, yeah. I'd wear it with jeans. It's like a waistcoat. Well, that's what people do, you know. They wear the sportswear of sports events that they themselves don't take part do, don't they? They wear the sportswear of sports events that they themselves don't take part in, don't they? So me wearing a grey-owned jacket's absolutely reasonable. I think the number six is always striped.

Is it? Yeah. And then just a band across the waist to put your embassies in and your fags and your matches. Matches? Doesn't even buy a lighter hashtag thrifty. Yes. Hashtag thrifty.

I can't find it. I can't find it. I can find it. I can't. I can. Oh, dear. I think I'm somewhat maligned in the thriftiness sticks. You think so? Yeah, in fact, I've got an email here that I think I might bring to your attention, Frank.

Oh, yeah? Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, long-term reader, first-time correspondent, just listened to last Saturday's podcast, as I do every week during my rather mundane commute. Frank's celebration of the crystal 1.6mm ballpoint pen got me thinking. He said that the average crystal 1.6 lasts him only circa three weeks. I'm sure I've had ballpoints that have seen me through decades, let alone weeks. Yes, but I'm prolific. You've forgotten I'm prolific.

Well, he's taken that into account. I am well aware that he keeps a hand-penned journal, but even so, three weeks seems to me a very rapid rate of ink depletion. That eBay bulk purchase is really sounding like a scam to me. You take that back. What next? A ream of paper with only 498 sheets instead of the genuine 500? Well, this is interesting, isn't it?

Is he your houseman in the building? Yes, maybe he's arrived. Oh, I'm enjoying this. How exciting. It's either exciting or the worst day of our lives I did promise the people who sent me that fountain pen That if we mentioned ball points again I'd find a way of changing the subject The apology alarm

I kind of like this I'm going to have to go to Adverts I know what it is You know when you said I was on fire this morning It turned out it was the basement. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 8 12 15.

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. There are firemen in the building. I know, why do you think I've been doing my hair? Can you say firemen? Is that still... Are there any firewomen? Oh, yeah. There might be firepeople.

But are there firewomen? Do they... I think there might be, yeah. I don't know if I've ever seen a firewoman. It's amazing what they can do now. Are you sure they're genuine firemen? And not just some magic mic thing? They're not just like... No, but they look like they could be Chippendales or something.

Well, what I'm thinking, yeah, every fireman looks like that. There was a fire alarm, and then we had to go outside, and then we came back in, and then firemen arrived. I'm thinking they might be real. Unless they're opportunist dance troupe who drive around looking for smoke. As it happens, we have

a text from one of our regulars, Dandy Man. Morning radio squad. I know how Frank is a stickler for process, so I'm surprised this has been missed. Before the news, when the alarm was going off, Emily said, is A.E. Hausman in the building? Good, respect

is due. As the great man had been mentioned, I was waiting for the appropriate noise to sound, but it didn't. Did Frank miss the mention or have his standards slipped? Keep up the work you're all contractually obliged to provide. That. That. That.

You're right to say that. And I did have that. I ought to press it now. But I thought if I press that while the fire alarm's going on, the whole place might fold in. There is a fireman outside waving. Hi. That's lovely.

Hi. OK. You can leave your hat on or something. They like that kind of music. Can you ask him if you get fire women? Oh, yeah. Do you want me to pop that up? I don't think that's appropriate.

Well, he'd know, wouldn't he? What, if I said to him, do you get fire women? He might just think that I'm saying... It's a bit of a thrill for him. He's in the stairs. He might just think that I'm saying... It's a bit of a thrill for him, using the stairs. He might think you're not quite right. He might say, I'm not the kind to kiss and tell. A man walks up to you and says, do you get fire women?

It's a perfectly reasonable question. I've got A-level sociology. Well, Steve... E. OK, E. Steve has tweeted us to say the term is firefighters in this enlightened age. Okay. There you go. What about if they're getting a cat out of a tree?

Good point. What are they then, cat removal squad? Cat women? No, it would be... They sound such a Hoxton band, cat removal squad. Cat lovers. It would be cat altitude adjusters.

The CAAs. We better call the CAAs, Steve. Got a cat up a tree incident. That's how I see it going at the switchboard. It's been very exciting. I can't actually smell burning. No.

But what about if it is Mike Reed's toast after all that jocularity? I mean, he does, he likes it severe. Severe? Yeah, but, you know, I like toast. I just like it to be just tickled, but he likes it. Crisp. Oh, super crisp. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. You know who we haven't discussed this morning? Um... Minaj. Oh, yes. Because there was... You're familiar with Twitter, aren't you, Frank?

Yes. Oh, excellent. I believe we have a sort of an account. Yes, we do. I don't. Minaj is one of the... I don't interfere with it. No. No, you're not Twitterati, are you?

No. You're more Gitterati. I am. That's what I'm calling you. I am more Gitterati, I accept that. But Taylor Swift, she's one of those Americans. Taylor Swift? Yes, he turned these trousers up in less than five minutes.

I love that's such a 1950s joke. Yeah, she's got one of those surnames as forenames, hasn't she? I know. Those pretty American women with surnames as first names. That's what I'd put in room 101. Would you?

Atkinson Ron. Have you seen her? She's a strange looking woman. She got into a... Taylor Graham. Graham Taylor. Very good. Skinner Frank could definitely be one of those.

Yes, could we... What about... I don't think Cochran Yes I can picture her I can I can picture her Yeah slightly sandy haired And it's Cochran I can picture her Could you draw her to me

I'll draw I'm going to send you my drawing Of Cochran Allen That sounds good, yeah. I can definitely imagine a Baddiel David as well. Mm-hmm. Maybe. Cochran Allen I find more.

OK. Syllabically. Feels good. Anyway, I'm not really aware of Taylor Swift. Oh, come on. I quite like Taylor Swift. She's a former Styles... Very good, Frank.

And she's now dating Calvin Harris. Is she really? She's dated them all. Calvin Harris. I love his pants. Yeah. That's what Calvin Klein calls those ones that particularly flatter your behind.

He calls them the Calvin Harris. The Calvin Harris exaggerator. Because it exaggerates your heiress. You get it? Yes, now I understand. Your heiress. Oh, you ever did laugh? Don't answer that, by the way, with texts.

Fine, let me tell you what happened. Now, yes, I have heard it, but it's exciting. Showbiz stuff. texts. Fine, let me tell you what happened. It's exciting showbiz stuff. She got into a Twitter feud, Taylor Swift, with Nicki Minaj. Beef. Now, are you familiar with Minaj? Well, yes, we've discussed Minaj on here before. She's got the impressive posterior.

Yeah, she is, she's got that, she's one of those women with the big bottom, which has become so popular nowadays. Thank you very much. And I think she wanted the grass cot outside her trailer at Glastonbury. This isn't a euphemism, by the way.

Oh, no. Was that her? I think that was Minaj. She was upset because she didn't get an MTV Best Video nomination. It's not a thing to be upset about. It's not mine. I'm upset because she didn't get an MTV Best Video nomination. It's not a thing to be upset about. It's not mine. I'm upset about that. She says if your video celebrates women with very slim bodies, you'll be nominated for Video of the Year. Many of mine do.

Can I point out? I've seen videos that do, but not for a long time. Now, the thing is, she didn't just say if your video celebrates women with very slim bodies, you will be nominated for it. She added 13, 13 smiley face emojis. She did.

The suggestion that it was a remark that would have gone down well at the last supper. Which I resent. 13 emojis, that is exactly what everyone means

by 13 emojis. 13 smiley face emojis. Yeah. And smiling so much that the cheeks are slightly pinkened. You know that one? Yes. Oh, I know that one.

If it's last supper, surely one of them should be in a sad face emoji, shouldn't it? Just the one. Is this a complicated question? Can you only get Caucasian emojis? Hold on, we'd better... I'll ask the firefighter. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We were talking about Minaj v Swift. Actually, a lot of people have texted you to say it's very PC in the emoji world, so you can... So there are non-cook... Oh, OK. Well, I'm surprised minaj didn't uh because he was making a point wasn't he about that yeah i think so minaj was yeah oh it's a complicated area let's back off a little out of this uh little cold is that and go back to lightheartedness yeah but producers getting anxious i can tell. Taylor, I think she thought Minaj was throwing her shade,

as I believe they say. Is that what they say? Yeah. Is that right, Daisy? Throwing her shade. Throwing her shade. Was that dancing? I've heard about that.

Is that throwing shapes? No, you've got that wrong. Oh. Is it throwing shade or, yeah, throwing shade? Throwing shapes. Don't throw me shade. Well, anyway. We know what we're talking...

OK, don't be so patient with me like I'm your partner of 20 years. I'm going to go. You are, sort of. OK. Anyway, so they had a huge row. She thought Nicky was subtweeting her, which is obviously the worst thing you can do. Subtweeting? What does that mean, that she's renting out her tweet to someone else

and charging them? No. No, I know you're a slum landlord, but that's not what it means. What a subtweet is, so for example, if I was to tweet and not at you in, and I just said, nice to see someone on the Brits not wearing a Union Jack shirt for once, that would be directed at you, but I wouldn't be atting you. So it's a slightly passive-aggressive diss. Isn't that a nicer thing to do rather than at someone and slag them off, isn't it?

I don't make the rules, love. Oh, OK, fair enough. Who does make the rules? I don't know. OK. Anyway, so she subtweeted her. I feel like I'm on my own in this subject. You two know nothing about it.

Well, that's all right. I'm speaking Esperanto to you both. Because people at home who know nothing, we are their representatives. And the Twitterati are thinking, thank God Emily's there. She knows her stuff. We're appealing to everyone. We are every man. Yeah.

Then... Stroke woman. Katy Perry got involved. Yes. Do you know her? Oh, God, yes. OK, Katy Perry. I've seen her live.

She sided with Minaj. I say I've seen her live. Have you? Mm. She sided with Minaj, Frank, because she's got beef with Taylor. Has she? Yes. They had a row over backing dancers.

Oh, I hate that. Yeah, because, let's face it, Katy Perry just took all the people that Taylor worked with. Did she? Yeah. And that's why in that song, Bad Bloods, Bad Bloods, is she criticises, oh, she doesn't name names, but we know. Oh, right, there's Bad Bloods, Bad Bloods, is she criticises,

oh, she doesn't name names, but we know. Oh, right, there's Bad Bloods. That was like when Frank and David fell out of the skinnerettes, wasn't it? Very similar. Yeah, exactly, when Dave took them on holiday. That's strange. They had to pay for their own fare, though.

Yeah, I think the problem was that Taylor... This is like heat radio now. Which is a tad. Nothing wrong with that, can I say, has it, told by the same people around us? They also make very good gardening magazines, can I tell you. Um, company man, yes! So, um, she's had a lot of nominations, Taylor Swift,

and she's slim, so I think it was reasonable to think she's having a go at me. I think she was having a go. I don't care what they say now. She was having a go at Taylor Swift, and I'm not having it. Isn't it bad enough that Styles was all over her like a

terrible rash? And I'm not saying a terrible rash is out of the question. She said, by the way, on the subject of women, said maybe one of the men took your slot. Yeah. Surely she'd have felt something. Oh, my God!

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I mean, Iminarji. She should have her own Iminarjis, which is her face. She could have done that. I bet she could. People will start doing that, won't they? They'll start having personalised celebrity emojis.

Hmm. Yo, Mark Marwitz. I worry a bit about Taylor. I love her music, don't get me wrong. Do you? Yes, I do. I knew you'd judge me for that. I didn't judge you. I love her music don't get me wrong do you? yes I do I knew you judged me for that I didn't judge you

I'm just astonished okay I don't know her music I'm sure I've heard it I'm sure it's lovely Daisy likes her music yes she's not quite so sure

Daisy only likes R&B thanks for having my back Daisy yeah anyway I like her music but I worry that she might be a bit of a frenemy Taylor oh one of those frenemy. Oh, one of those.

Frenemy. Is that the guy who used to manage Southampton? No, it's a friend who's actually an enemy. Laurie McFrenemy. A friend who's actually an enemy. Oh, you look amazing. You'd never know you were size 16. It's that kind of thing.

But what about this? I've got a friend. Yeah. Now, what if I'd said this? Let's say I'd been well, anyway. She said, look, you know, I've always supported you

Nikki. She said, if I do win an award, you can come up with me. Oh, she never. She did. You can come up with it. I mean, imagine if when we won Best Meet Program I, I'd gone up hand in... It's hardly the same thing, Frank.

No, but if I'd gone up hand in hand with Nick Ferrari, I mean, it would have looked a bit strange. Yeah, but that's what she said. Who's going to go up hand in hand with the winner? No. It's not appropriate. Yeah. So that was... So, how do you think she might have...

She might have a bit of side. A bit of side. I think she might throw shade. Yeah. So that was. So you think she might have a bit of side? A bit of side. I think she might throw shade. Mmm. Mmm. I don't know but. Swift-o. Ricky laughs Okay.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that I don't even think I'd want a video music award. I don't, I mean, who wants one? Well that's good. Who wants one of those? That's convenient because you know what? I'm not eligible. You're not gonna get one. Oh alright. Yeah. what? I'm not eligible. You're not going to get one. Oh, all right.

Yeah. Now I do want one. You're right, actually. The firefighters. It's amazing how they get it. See, I'm saying firefighters naturally now. That's good. How quickly you've picked up to the modern ways.

What if the cockerel teamed up with Thicke? Oh, I'd love that. With who? Robin Thicke. Yeah, well, we've been texting. We're discussing projects. We're going to get some studio time and see what we can do. Why doesn't you team up with Taylor Swift

and they can call their double act Thick and Thin? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had emails. You've got mail. Yes. I'll begin. For sure. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, with regard to 9-10-2,

would you care to explain? I was saying it occurred... We have a thing on this show called Idiotic Eureka Moments, is when you work things out after the rest of the population. Yeah. Like, do you know my sister May? Thanks for the tip. That was one.

And I was saying that I was looking at the word Nintendo and it suddenly struck me that it means 9, 10, do. That's the countdown, 9, 10, and then do it. Play that game. And then some people came in and said, what are you talking about? They said, but I'm meaning the texts.

Yes. So I think we're still pending complete clarification. Well, Matt believes he has a clarification. OK. The Japanese word do means the way of, as in karate do, the way of the empty hand. Is that called karate do? Karate do. Karate do.

That's how I would have thought of it when I was a karate pupil. Why is it only called karate, though, generally speaking? I think it's probably a westernised shortening. What, we can't say doh? It means the way of the empty hand. It does mean the way of the empty hand, that much I know. OK. Bushido. I like saying it like that.

Yeah. Sounds a bit common. The way of the warrior. That I didn't know. And as Alan can tell you... Ludo. Mm-hm. Yeah. Remember to put the seat back down. LAUGHTER That I didn't know. And as Alan can tell you... Ludo. Mm-hm. Yeah, Ludwig Kennedy.

Remember to put the seat back down. As Alan can tell you, judo, the gentle way. Yeah. I mean, actually, my strongest suit is the karate from when I was a young man. But I've dabbled in the judo also. Oh, you've done all the marshals. Oh, he has.

Various marshals, mate. Isn't he? Yeah. And then he always says, no, no, I'm not at all macho. I know. But he is, aren't we? Do you know what he is?

He's like knocking people about. Yeah. That's the bottom line. Yeah. Hashtag alpha. Secret alpha as you are as well, I've told you both. So, simply put,

Nintendo means the way of Ninten. Not sure what Ninten means, So simply put, Nintendo means the way of Ninten. Not sure what Ninten means, though. Nine-ten. The way of nine-ten. In other words, it's all about chronology. It's one of those really clarifying emails that we receive. The way of counting, it means. Let me clear that up. It suggests that Nintendo is essentially all about maths,

which it probably is if you sat and worked it out. Yeah. It's like Bach. My favourite bit of this was Bushido, Bushidu, the way of the warrior. I didn't know that. Bushidu means you need a trim, doesn't it, in my world? Yeah.

Bushidu. Time for a haircut. Goodness me. Yeah, I have cleaned that up. I certainly have. Respect you for that. Do you work clean? I do work clean.. I certainly have. Respect you for that. Do you work clean? I do work clean.

Mop it clean. Mop it clean? I've not told you this. No. I was at the... Can you tell me this on air? We should explain what work clean means as well, shouldn't we? Work clean is obviously an American or North American thing

that they say about stand-ups that don't do dirty stuff. Oh, yes. Can you work clean? Do you work clean? Do you work clean, Alan? When I was at Just for Laughs, which I think is on now, the Muppets were on, and an actor was told to remove a reference to alcohol. He had a joke about how he didn't drink alcohol,

and they said, you've got to take that out because it mentions alcohol, and you're on the same bill as the Muppets. And he was saying, but no, I'm doing a joke about not drinking this. We can't have alcohol mentioned. Really? Yeah, yeah. And Dave Gorbin told me that he was in a lift and he overheard someone saying, I mean, I can work clean,

but this is Muppet clean. What about when I got in a lift at the Melbourne Comedy Festival and there was a man called the Enigma and his entire body was tattooed as a jigsaw. Oh. And he had a shaven head and he'd had coral implants in his head to give him grown horns.

Right. And he had this horrible jigsaw tattoo over his face and this woman got him with this kid who was about four and he was just staring. Our kids just stared straight at him. And the kid said, He's like a puzzle. This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. We're still in the corner. Still in the corner. Dear Frank, Ems and Alan. How do you feel about that, Emily? I love Ems. Ems, okay. Dear Frank, Ems and Alan.

Do you like both names, M and Ems? Oh, very good. Ems, do you like M and Ems? Very good, very good. Thanks very much. You're on fire today. I'll tell you, that wasn't me. Part of the problem. Where have those firemen gone? Are they gone now? Post-re-toast. Firefighters. You're on fire today. I'll tell you, that wasn't me. Part of the problem.

Where have those firemen gone? Are they gone now? Post-read toast. Firefighters, we have to call them. Oh, sorry, firefighters. Which is a bit harsh. It doesn't seem to allow for the fact that, generally speaking, fire starts it. Yeah, exactly.

You know, they're more, they're fire responders. Fire pacifiers. Yes. Yeah. I mean, what are we going to call the armed forces? Foreigner fighters. I guess he's a foreigner. You can say that.

I don't like it, though. No, I don't like it. OK. Dear Frank, Ems and Alan, catching up with the show from last year about Alan falling off his bike. Oh, thanks for bringing that up. I must have been away that week. Dear Frank, Ems and Alan, catching up with a show from last year about Alan falling off his bike. Oh, thanks for bringing that up.

I must have been away that week. It was, I'll tell you what it was. Do you remember I had that folding bike? I had a folding bike. Lynn Foldswood? Alan Foldsbike. No, but thanks for the tip. I was known as. And, you know, like on, you've seen a folding bicycle.

Yes, I've seen a folding bicycle. I was riding one of those. I bought David Baddiel one once. Did you? You did. And I accidentally went the wrong way up a one-way road, realised it, and tried to turn quickly off it and hit a pothole and went over the handlebars. I think at the time I likened myself to something

like a spider riding a penny farthing, because I'm gangly and the bike's all... I think the police there, they've put a little microchip in. If you go the wrong way up a one-way road on a folding bike, it folds immediately. Oh, that's a good idea. Well, I fell victim to that.

It went a bit slow motion and there was a pedestrian, I could see him laughing as I was going over that. That's it. I hate pedestrians. I know, actually, I am one, sometimes. Cycling up through an unfamiliar part of town I got a bit lost so I sneaked up a one way street on the pavement

passing a chap about 10 yards on my right his face turned an extraordinary shade of purple and he shouted scum at me I appreciate I was perhaps tiptoeing he was wearing an SS uniform I appreciate I was perhaps tiptoeing on the dark side of the highway code, but scum, really?

Can I say a couple of things? No, I'm going scum. A couple of things. I love the idea of the dark side of the highway code. Oh, yes, that is good. I think that was the original draft title for The Dark Side of the Moon, and then they realised it just didn't scan quite so well. And also, I think actually the guy that shouted scum

might be a listener to this show, and maybe he's just refused to Google, and for ages he's been thinking, what is the film that Ray Winston was in as a child, and then he's got... Had an IM. So don't take it so personally, would be mine. Yes, it was that we had films from the 70s

that you weren't allowed to Google. Because I was cycling the wrong way up and on my road and a bloke suddenly went, The go-between! I mean, it was quite a week, that 70s. Oh, they're coming! Condor Man. Oh, no, that's 80s. What did you say then?

Condor Man. Oh, that was close's 80s. What did you say then? Condor Man. That was close. Again, I'm Catholic, you people. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was enthralled, the Guardian.

I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15. Please do. We get all sorts of interesting stuff coming in. Or follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Can I just ask, have you got a poster quote, I was enthralled the Guardian? No. Oh,

I really thought you'd throw in a genuine one there. I made that up, I'm going to be honest with you. We need to, in my role on this show, I was not self-appointed as the murdering correspondent, but I have somewhat reluctantly taken on that mantle, and

in that role we need to talk about the Queen who last Sunday I believe it was swerved whilst driving her racing green Jaguar X-Type how old is the Queen? 89 is it really? yes 89

wow I like the way you went a bit street there is it really? that is impressive it shows how many years I like the way you went a bit street there. Is it really? That is... Yes. That is impressive. See, it shows how many years are taken off our lives by working. So, yes, it's an incredible story. I'm sure if I did that, I'd be in serious trouble.

Yeah, it's almost like different rules apply. So we should say, she's driving through a park. She's driving through, is it Windsor? It's called Windsor Great Park. There's a couple with their child and instead of waiting for them to, you know, just slow it up a bit and move out the way, she drives onto the grass. I think she hit three deer. They're hers

anyway. But yeah, she was going to kill them anyway later. It saved her having to load up a couple of swans in the bumper. And she's drove onto the grass. She's basically the new George Michael. I've often thought that. Or Clarkson. I think

she was filming the new Top Gear. Incredible. I love it when the Queen goes grand theft also. I love it when she does that. I was really disappointed she wasn't driving an old Beetle. Were you? Yeah.

It was Hitler's car, wasn't it? He pioneered the development. It's the only time, what I most enjoy. I've got one, I've told you this, I've got an old Beetle

and it's been hermetically sealed. It's in Birmingham. No. All the fluids are taken out. It's been hermetically sealed so I can get it out at some point. I thought I'd wait

until the whole anti-Hitler thing blows over. Oh yeah, good luck with that. And then get that out. No, I have honestly got an old beetle. I love the old beetle. And you're not even the motoring correspondent on this show but you've got an original beetle. I have been in that beetle

listening to Kraftwerk, which is the most fabulously German experience. That does sound really German. Anyway, back to the other, the Queen. I like that she went off-roading, Al, whilst wearing a pink floral hat. Brilliant. On her way to church.

Yeah. Well, it's a tradition, isn't it? If you see a driver in a hat, be careful. I don't know if it's true nowadays, because a lot of the young people wear hats. Isn't that right? Oh, God. Indoors? That sounds like one of the things your dad would have said,

and always have salt in your pocket. Speaking of the old days, the Telegraph, in their article, described the Queen as a keen motorist. Has anyone been described as that since the 50s? No. Even the word motorist. It's gone.

Yeah. I thought it was great. And, you know, is it tempting to think that she was rushing to church the day after those pictures had been printed? Is there any link to that? What, to confess? Yeah, yeah. I don't know if they confessed to that.

Maybe she was going to a different one. Yeah, that's true. She wouldn't go to a different one. She did. She gave the pedestrians that she threw shade over, she did give them a little wave, which I thought you'd enjoy, Frank. That was the quote.

Yeah, I thought it was a little wave. I remember I used to live not far from Buckingham Palace and there was smoke in one corner of the estate uh and i always like to think it was the gloves bonfire because you know she wears gloves in order to shake hands with ordinary people and then as soon as she gets out they're taken off and burnt on the grounds do you know that no is that? And I'd love to think that that was the gloves bond for they wait a few months until there's a big pile and then burn them all in one go.

Yes. If there's anyone who works at Buckingham Palace, even Burrell, call in and let us know if that exists. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So you know we were talking about the Queen a few weeks ago and she received that painting. That's when it all went wrong for me with the Queen.

Well, I remember I had a moment during that story because she was given a pony aged three and I remember saying, I think the Queen might be spoiled. And now, it turns out, she's allowed to drive without a licence. She hasn't actually ever sat a test. That's incredible. Yeah, she's the only person who doesn't have to have a licence. She's allowed to drive without a licence.

Her and George Michael. The only two individuals in the country. But why would that be? It's amazing. Because she's the monarch, and it would have two individuals in the country. But why would that be? It's amazing. Because she's the monarch, and it would have been made in 1501. Yeah, she could have. Still take a driving test.

And also, isn't it open to abuse by queen lookalikes? Isn't there a... Because who's going to ID a queen? If they buy a green... What, Jeanette Charles? That's the only one I can think of off the top of my head. Do you remember her? Yeah, I love Jeanette Charles. She's got so much work

in Mind Your Language and things like that. I reckon you could get one of those green Jaguar X type 4x4s with the same dog cage that the queen has in the back of hers. Yeah. I reckon you could probably pick one of the two, two and a half from Auto Trader. There you go. That's why he's here.

Most depressing conversation I've ever had. I didn't know the Queen had a dog cage. She had a, yeah. I think there's quite a lot of facts, don't you? Quite a lot of facts. It's a waste of, she could have a dog, but she could turn it into two floors because the corgis are quite low.

Exactly. I love a corgi. Do you? Yeah, but you know what would stop me getting one? I worry that people might look at it and think, oh, dogs look like their owner, you look a bit similar. Oh, no, I don't like that. Because I'm not tall, you see.

That woman... That's why I wouldn't get a sausage dog. That French woman... Do you remember that French woman had the face transplant and the dog bit her face off when she was unconscious? Keep it light, love. They said in the paper that the dog was running around with her face. They say you get to look like your owner.

Anyway, that's a... Actually, we, that's the right from the grave. I'm not sure if I can believe this. This is Steve982 has texted, Also, guys, I do believe the Queen has an HGV licence from her days in the WI. That can't be true, can it? She has not. That would be amazing.

She's walking around the palace thinking something to fall back on. I've always got the heavy goods vehicle. I think I did see her in a lay-by once listening to country and western music. I think she might be in some of that footage trying to get through Calais. Do you think she's still trying to get through

to people on CB radio? Oh, man. I love the Queen as a dog. Do you remember those air freshenness you used to see in cars that were crowns little crowns that you lifted up I hope she's got one of them oh yeah you've got to have one of them and a filthy teddy on the front

it used to be a Michelin man on the grill you know where people have the red nose thing on the grill I think she's got the old black square moustache on the front. It's an incredible start. Surely it's not all right for a woman of her age to be driving that kind of recklessly around parks.

Oh, I would agree with you. What can we do about it, guys? Well, I don't know. You see, I drive slightly like the Queen So I sympathise Because I drive a bit like Mr Magoo And I'm more like an old lady Sort of hunched over the wheel Yeah, with the long gloves

Yeah, with the long gloves I've always thought with the driving gloves Wouldn't it be good to keep them attached to the wheel? Oh, right, like mittens Some of them sort of stitched onto the wheel And you put them on like when you're handling an isotope in a laboratory. And they're just like, then you're in the right position all the time

and you're not wearing them for other things, getting them dirty. You heard it here first. Yeah, go on. Sell them, I don't care. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So we could talk about me, if you want. We could bring up my little life.

OK, Mike Harwood. Very lovely. And this is me. Ladies and gentlemen, this is me. I've been gigging about, but I had a very strange brief encounter at the house the other day, my home. Was it Trevor Howard? Do you ever have encounters so brief

you then later wonder if they've actually happened? I was in the house. Back in the day. What about that time that I hadn't been out with someone for about six months and I actually heard myself saying in my flat one morning, you're very attractive for a postwoman. I mean, what was I thinking about?

Anyway, carry on. You said that to a person. Yeah, opportunist. I was so lazy that I had to actually come and knock on my door with a parcel. Anyway, sorry, Al. Well, this was, I was chopping vegetables to make the children some dinner, and possibly me, and I heard a straight

and I could smell, like, incense or something. And then our front door has glass in it, so you can sort of, I could smell, like, incense or something. And then our front door has glass in it, so I could see a figure moving on the other side of the front door. Front door knocked, I walked towards it and I could hear this sort of strange tss-tss-tss-nall like a mick hucknall casting bracket was it rebecca brooks it was uh it was just this chap and with headphones on but turned outwards not on his ears just at the side of his neck playing music and incense burning and he was sort of sideways as if he might be strung out what's in the matter he she might

i don't know and he said do you want any incense and i said wow can i say i love him i said no and then he just went and turned away and walked out walked out of my like what did he have did he have did he have an attache case? He had. Which may have contained incense. He must have had incense. Well, not, not. It might have been a burglar checking if there's anyone in. Oh, I hadn't even thought that he was specking the gaff. Yeah. I can't

imagine how well his business does, though. I don't know if it was a business. I mean, it's worse than your eyeliner thief, Frank. I mean, there's a bit of me that was wondering, was this free? Have I just turned down something for nothing? Yeah.

Or did it even happen? Because a minute later, I was back in the kitchen chopping vegetables again, thinking, did that just occur? It seems weird, but... Yeah. Did it happen? Tell me. If anyone else has had...

Yeah. This kind of peripatatic patchouli vendor... What? If anyone else has had a knock on their door selling incense, I'd like to hear about it, because that is pretty amazing. Extraordinary, peculiar. I also think I said one of the most stupid things I've ever said at a gig recently.

I did a gig last week in a festival, like quite a big music music festival lots of different stages and all that and i was in a little comedy tent and i'm about 12 minutes into a start and in those comedy tents they're next to impossible to play aren't they because you can hear sound bleed from the other other other music venues got all the excuses lots lots of things going out loads of distractions. People are coming in and going out because it's not ticketed. They're just coming in, you know what I mean?

Might never be going out, I'm guessing. Well, give it time. About 12 minutes into my set, we hear the beginning of a band really loud from an adjacent tent and loads of people, I'd say a good handful of people, stood up to go and begin listening to this band instead of me doing my stand-up. And I said, oh, they're going to hear that,

but you guys will stay. And then I went, actually, I recognise this tune. Who is that? And somebody at the front said, Bombay Bicycle Club. And I said, wow, they're great. Why are you all staying here to listen to me and at that point two thirds of the audience stood up and left and I thought

that was the wrong thing to say why did you do that why did you say they were good I wasn't thinking they are good I thought you were being ironic I think they are I like them but it was a foolish thing to do because then I had to play to a tent with hardly anyone in it.

Yeah, but, you know, the people who stay, the great thing is they really want it to be. It's like the Catholic Church. The people who stay, they really want to be there. And at the end of the day, it's quality, not quantity. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We have a text in. This is from 708. Hi, Frank, you're forgetting that the Queen doesn't drive on public roads,

only on private estates. That's why she doesn't need... Yeah, it's like me. So that's why she's never sat her test. OK. She can quite easily summon up the chauffeur to drive her down to the local co-op if she runs out of milk or Phil fancies a kebab.

You'd think that she'd like to pass her test, so you've only got nothing to do. Yeah. She's got all those gloves to burn. I don't think she does the actual burning. She's got a lot on. I imagine they're carried out on sticks, you know, on the ends of sticks.

Really long sticks. Yeah, with know, on the ends of sticks. Really long sticks. Yeah, with the gloves on the end, yeah. That's what, I mean, I can't be certain. Could look a bit like a puppet show if they get that at the right angle. I have some parking updates. Oh, have you? You know, we've been running a How's Your Parking going. Oh, sorry, let me just gather by the fireside.

We've been doing quite a lot of parking related. I had a very cockerel parking moment on Sunday, Saturday night. I went off to do a little stand-up gig. No, it wasn't, it was Thursday. Anyway, nevertheless, I got there a bit early. It's a fabulous raconteur. Oh, nice. Peter Ustinov.

I feel like I'm on the phone to you. I got there a bit early i had to pay for metered parking and um i think in a new thrifty low for me i waited for six full minutes for the parking meter to turn to 7 30 so i only had to pay for one half hour you did not i did it was one pound 45 or double that so I'm obviously going to stand about... That's fair enough. I don't. ...the longest six minutes of my life.

Honestly, it took ages. When you look at the watch and you go, 7.27... Why would you do that? Wow, 7.27 again. And again. A watch kettle, or a kettled watch. I was walking from the car back to the meeting. Was it a kettled watch in that you had gone into a corner and been forced there by the Lord?

Yeah, yeah. OK. OK. Surely that's all right. The monids had a kettled watch. These we have loved. These we have loved? And some of them did fall on stony ground.

Surely that's all right. £1.45. No, I think that's fair enough. Sometimes I think you're downright stingy. But there, in that occasion, that's just common sense. That's not common sense. It's awful. £1.45 saved in six minutes.

This is your life. That's £14.50 an hour, Emily. That's way more than the minimum wage. You're wasting your life standing around. You carry on. I'll do the background. Standing around in a car park, waiting'll do the background. Standing around. In a car park, waiting.

It was on the street opposite. Whether it was on the street or not, it's still a waste of your life. You have everything to live for. I filled the time by walking to the car. Filling the time? Is that your approach to life? Yeah, life. I hope it's in my notes.

Okay. We finished it, Frank, and I won. Okay, congratulations. Thank you. I was, obviously, I was focusing on my performance. But I'm sure it was good. Oh, baby. Oh, baby.

I went to the cinema this week. Did I tell you that? Lovely. I haven't been to the cinema since Noah. How was the party? I'm in was the part i'm in the movie you know when it's raining you think let's go to the cinema yeah i uh it was uh i'm really sorry to interrupt can you just keep that tab open sure because uh you know you were saying you nearly killed someone when did i say that you did you admitted it because you know you were saying you nearly killed someone. When did I say that? You did, you admitted it because you were so funny.

This is how people... Ben's dad. Dave Rose has tweeted us to say he's laughing for some inexplicable reason in the barbers whilst the barber has been brandishing the razor blade near his face. It was nearly the end of him. Sorry about that.

Not really, are you? Well, it's all mixed emotions. I'm glad. But is the barber laughing as well? If not, why not? There is the comic's reaction in a nutshell. So I went to see a documentary

movie and I've noticed there's a lot of documentaries on at the moment Amy Winehouse, I went to see one about the Scientologist they advertised the one with who was that woman who

fought for education in women's education somewhere oh you know it's one of those CNN type stories fought for education in women's education somewhere. Oh, you know, it's one of those CNN type stories. World News. I don't follow the World News. No, I do. But, you know, she's a

brave young woman. That one, it seems to, I'm wondering if people have actually run out of ideas as far as making films and just thought it's about true stuff. Well for the feature films yeah they just have to film people now. Yeah so they're just doing true stuff. Uh huh. That makes sense.

That makes sense. This could be like a late show discussion couldn't it? They're just doing true stuff now. Yeah but just remember when they talk about it on the late show in two years time and pretend they discovered it. Remember you heard it here first. Okay. I think I speak for the nation word. You speak for. Okay? I think I speak for the nation. You speak for the nation? Since when?

Have you got a licence? When I say this, I think most of us are wondering how was your park in there? Did you get there fine? Was it really close to the cinema? I'll be straight with you. I got that jump straight on the 24 bus. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah. I can get down with them if I have to.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran Together, the Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio We've had a text that I could bring to your attention Good 844 has texted Was that your aristocratic laugh you did there? From 844. 844.

I know that's gone a bit... Carry on, Phil. That was a review of me. I'm contemplating doing some housework and I'm pondering whilst applying my mascara. Is it better to hoover or polish first? Oh, I see. I thought they meant... I thought you were talking about her face.

Yeah, I think Hoover and then put your make-up on, surely, because it's going to kick up dust. I don't think that's what they were asking. But there we are. Hoover or polish? Do they mean polish as in the floor? As in...

This is very complicated. I thought you Hoover and then polish because hoovering kicks up dust, doesn't it? And similarly, I would put mascara on after hoovering. Were I that kind of guy, which I'm not. Yes. I can only think now of Freddie Mercury hoovering in that film.

He definitely put mascara on first. Yeah. There you go. Follow Mercury's. Follow Freddie's, yeah. Boys, There you go. Follow Mercury's. Follow Freddie's. Yeah. Boys, are you familiar with the work of Steve Doman?

Steve Doman. Let me introduce you to this little fella. Okay. What about that RE teacher who said, I want to talk to you about a little fella named God? Oh, I loved him. He had the beard, the sandals, you'd have loved him. What was that story about someone going into a shop asking for a crucifix and saying, have you got one of those with the little man on?

Oh, that was probably me in my mid-dawn years. Steve Doman lives in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado, but that's not why you all have heard of him. I think I might know who Steve Doman is now. Go on. He has renovated his entire house to look like the set of, as you would call it, Star Trek, Frank. Yeah, Star...

Star Trek, Starship Enterprise. Star Trek. What do you call it? Star Trek. Star Trek. In the same way that you say Star Wars. Yeah, Star Wars. Yeah.

Star Wars, Star Trek. Anyway... And of course, as Sven-Johan Eriksson used to say, the World Cup. He's got... He spent £20,000 on this. He's got a lovely grey beard and sort of Reaptolite Rapide glasses. I like that look. Yes.

And he says he likes to hibernate and stock up on food there in the cold winter months. But it is extraordinary what he's done. It is, I've seen it. It's brilliant. A lot of it looks like the equipment here at Absol radio it does yeah tomorrow's world he's gone i think he's got an original series i'm no trekkie but i think he's got an original series has he yes no i think um i think that's right yeah he says he sleeps in the klingon uh ambassador quarters i bet he's not spoiling me i used to love to love those ambassadors Even if you get a sci-fi ambassador

They always wear like a sort of A crepe paper tank top And speak quite And we are from They've been in rep for years They're always baritones They're always one of my parents friends Oh I do love an alien ambassador

An AI. The AI man has come. Greetings. Well, I must make mega respect to this bloke. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. My first instinct

was to worry about the resale value on his property. But if you think about it, the Trekkies, their worldwide, if anything, he's probably increased the possibility of him being able to shift that on when he's finished.

Well, I used to live in a house where I had the bathroom, Don. I got blue and white tiles, so I did blue and white stripes, and I commissioned a big tile with the West Romage Albion crest on it. You didn't. Yeah, so the whole bathroom was blue and white stripes with this enormous crest. And when I left the house, I didn't take the tiles, I left it all behind. And I often wonder whether that guy thought, this is a nice little conversation piece,

or whether he just had it all ripped out. And you never found out? Didn't you show him round yourself and say, what are you going to do with that? I didn't show him round myself. Now, oh no. Yes. I had a triffid myself. Now. Oh, now. Yes. I had a Triffid in my bathroom.

Pardon? A Triffid. Triffid in your bathroom, I know. Can I tell you, Frank, I'm a bit worried. What he's done, he's done a fancy dress shoe disaster. Because I noticed he had the full Star Trek suit. You know, they have those onesies don't they yeah and he had a pair of uggs did he yeah oh no he's got a bit they're not ones he's not

the half mask black trousers and the wolf shirt so i think you live on your own um but it's a bit ghost in rebox yes i i sympathize with that but I've got to tell you that when I looked at it, there was a little bit of envy in my heart. But we'll come back to that. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Back to the Enterprise. Steve Dorn.

Meanwhile, over in Colorado. Oh, yeah. It's just amazing, the dedication to the Enterprise. Steve Dorn. Meanwhile, over in Colorado. Oh, yeah. It's just amazing, the bloke, the dedication to do this. It's about 14 years he's spent doing it. Yeah. I mean, our house is just like, it's a tip, really. People come round our house and assume it's a homage to Rising Dump.

And we've really worked on it, but we haven't. But I watched that, and I tell you what it made me think. You know, it's lovely being in a relationship. We're all in relationships. But if I was a single man well for a start off, I bet you I would watch, if I was single I would say I would watch

probably 20 hours of Doctor Who a week. Seriously. Cass doesn't put a ban on you, though. Oh, she does. Does she? With a look, with a mere look. Oh, dear. Yes, I couldn't sit and watch Doctor Who.

You know, it's out of the question. I've got an idea. Why don't you have a little TARDIS room? And in that room, you can do what you like. I wouldn't be allowed to go in there. And then, I remember when I did live on my own, I lived in a bed seat, and one night I was watching Bilko.

Do you remember Sergeant Bilko? Oh, yes. And I was naked on the sofa. No, there wasn't a sofa. Watching Bilko? Yeah, naked. If I could describe the producers as Grimace, I'm going Grimace.

Yeah, Nick Grimace. And I was eating baked beans out of a tin with my hands, watching Bill go naked. Did you have nothing on? No pants or anything? Nothing. And I remember thinking... Disgusting. So is this it? Is this it now for me?

But sometimes I look back on that, and there's a great sense of freedom about it, a complete indulgence. That's what he's got, and that's what single people have got. OK, they've got stark loneliness. But they've got indulgence. That's what he's got, and that's what single people have got. OK, they've got stark loneliness, but they've got indulgence. They can do what they want to do when they want to do it. No, it's overrated. Yeah, I'm just saying, though,

we sometimes might look at them and think, oh, no, single, but, you know, it's all right. I mean, this makes more sense. This house, to me, makes more sense than, but you know, it's alright. I mean, this makes more sense, this house, to me, makes more sense than, let's say, marriage. Fine. I can guarantee, what's he called?

His name is Steve Doman. I bet you that Steve, I can virtually... You would not want to be Steve Doman. No, but I can virtually guarantee that Steve Doman will love Star Trek as much on the day he dies as he loves it now. How many people can say that when they get married? Happy Christmas.

That's a texting. It's late for a texting. Last link. Most depressing thing you've ever said. It's a fact. Oh, it's not. It's just a fact. He's wearing a Starship Enterprise suit with Uggs.

Yeah, but... No wonder he's on his own. If you speak to people, right, especially at any sort of wellness session, and ask them what life's about, they'll say happiness, the pursuit of happiness. I would say that Steve Doman has found happiness. He does look happy.

Yeah? There you go. Respect to him. What have I got? A five-foot cardboard Dalek? A hover boat with no Dalek on it, which is just an empty hover boat. And you're still not a shampoo dodger, though. I'm not a shampoo dodger. No, but he just looks like he might be.

I would swap shampoo for 20 hours of Doctor Who a week. Anyway, so thank you so much for listening, and if the good Lord spares us and the critics don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio back Saturday morning from 8 tune in live for the full Frank experience

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