The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Thumb Knot

Episode Date: February 9, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to his first Book Club and has a late review about Queen. The team also discuss Chris Eubank Sr's lottery tale and dressing gowns.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner with, yes, with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Instagram felt like your neglected younger child then. Yeah. Poor Instagram.

Yes, well, it's still a novelty for the show, our Instagram account. It is, you're right. It sounded like an old school PE teacher trying to include girls. You know, all right, boys and girls. Yeah, a bit like that. Yes. Reluctantly catching up with one age. Oh, Instagram.

Frank, we've heard from the outside world, not via our modern channel, Instagram. No, nothing on Instagram. No. I've been trying Instagram. Slightly salubrious pictures of elderly ladies. I bet there is. And why not?

I bet Instagram would be a good thing. If there isn't one. If you're out there and you're operating that field. Ignore that. You can have that. There you go. This is via our email system. Oh, yes. Okay. Traditionalist. It's electronic mail. This is from our email system. Oh, yes.

Okay, traditionalist. It's electronic mail. This is from Ben Weeks. He says, Recently, Frank and Emily both mentioned how uncomfortable the knot is when falling asleep in a dressing gown. Do you remember that, Frank?

Yeah, I'll tell you where... What I think of, I was... I went up to America... To... Not America. I was, I went up to America, to, not America. I was just reading that off the playlist. You know, it's just when you get old, you just say anything. Say what you see. I was, I flew up.

Just a minute. I flew up to Inverness. Oh, yeah. To watch the Loch Ness premiere. Yes. Ted Danson. Oh, yes. Well, that was the parade, for goodness sake.

It wasn't just any old time. And that night, I was going to be in an ordinary hotel, and then it turned out there was a there was uh one room at skibo castle now skibo castle at the time was famous for being where madonna had got married so lovely intel i like the idea of staying there so there was me and my friend tracy and there's only one room we've known each other a long time but even so it's photonic hashtag orcs right so um we were both furry and it'll be fine and all that very sensible spoke slightly deeper voices and um and we wore our dressing gowns in bed even though

it was quite warm as an extra sort of a nothing's going to happen message but that was when, you know, I had me knotted dressing gown belt and I kept lying on this big knot. Or was it Tracy? I can't remember. I kept lying on the knot and it was a nightmare. So I was hot and also there's something about

towelling against... Is that your first time sleeping in the dressing gown? I think that was the first time. I've done it in hotels. You know how hotels have got the most rubbish duvets? I don't know if they even qualify as having a tog. Yes. They have the

thinnest... It's like sleeping under low-lying mist. Yes. And so in some hotels when I've been freezing, I've put on the hotel robe. Well you should be grateful you've got the toweling not the waffle because that's a I don't like the waffle

fad. Oh yes. I forgot about the waffle. So cheap. Anyway, Ben Weeks continues rather than tying, this is advice Frank for you, rather than tying your cord in a bow, I would recommend a double thumb knot aka a double overhand knot oh god this is a this is a ex-boy scout oh do you think so well knotting

used to be quite a boy you can get a badge for knotting this method uses friction to hold the cord in place for material with a lower coefficient of friction, such as silk, brackets Emily, simply increase the length of the knot to a triple or even a quadruple to achieve sufficient security. Obviously I can't picture this knot. I mean, I think now I have more I have

the self-discipline now that I could sleep with it held shut by my hands. Oh yeah. Yeah. Well, your hand clasped. Like you're in a wall at a football match. No, I'm seeing it clasped like Mavis in Coronation Street in the season 90 when she answers the door. Exactly, when someone comes out in a house coat

in Coronation Street in 1969. What time do you call this? And I think I could sleep fists clenched for the whole night. I didn't have that kind of control in the 90s. But so that's what I'd do now. I wouldn't bother with the cord. Yeah, I would sleep like Mavis coming out of a house. Maybe in Rosamond Street in a a house coat, in the cold.

That would be my method. There you go. I mean, it might not be as efficient as the thumb knot, but it's easier to understand on radio. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we've just been talking about our Instagram. Yes.

You know the novelty of the new. Oh, yeah. And I didn't understand this. We've got, how many followers? 4,000. I don't know if that's, I don't think it's great. But we've got 4,000. How long have we been going?

Well, exactly. A couple of weeks, come on. But we only follow the people on the show. So Alan and Emily and Faye. Absolute. Oh, absolute, yeah. You've got to follow the boss. You always follow your boss.

Yeah, so that's the only people we follow. So we're thinking we should start following some people. Yeah. I think we should pick a random celebrity. Yeah. I think, what about if we, I think we should pick a random celebrity. Yeah. And put all our eggs in one basket. Just one.

The whole lot. My vote is Jimmy Fly Hasselbank. You reckon? Yeah, why not? I like that. Good player in his day. Oh, I mean, a great long distance striker. I wonder what he'd make of it.

Yeah. Anyway. I'm going to take things a bit more contemporary. I'm going to go Nick Knowles. Nick Knowles. Nick Knowles, you think? I just think he'd notice, and I think there'd be respect for us, and we could get a dialogue going.

OK? He did once sign a photograph for me for an obstetrician who delivered my child. Yes! That's nice. That showed him in a very good light. Yeah. Yes. Okay, well, so he's got everything to play for.

I've heard a few other stories that didn't, but that's all fair stuff. Yeah, well, can I say you signed the thing to the sexiest obstetrician in the world or something like that lovely um and she she had quite a she had a thing for uh Nick Null so it was oh yeah and the picture was him you know it's a thing I've never actually I've never worn a bow tie that you have to knot if I do I use a thumb knot because I might be sleeping in it later. But you know when they undo the tie and it hangs loose? I do. It used to be like the last four songs of a Tom Jones gig. It's very Rat Pack.

So that's what he had on the publicity thing. But he looked rugged. He looked very rugged. Respect to Mondo. Has Melania Trump got an Instagram? We could follow her. She was our only one. It's always worth following her, because she has quite a lot of

writing on her back. Yes. And I think we'd get Trump news by osmosis through following Melania so we wouldn't have to follow Trump. I bet she's got a lot of followers, Melania. You reckon? More than us. MT. More than 4,000? MT by name.

MT by... Oh, I I tell you what oh oh there'll be many many Queen fans listen to Absolute I bet

if you was to do a survey of favourite bands of people that listen to Absolute I bet they would be up there Queen

yeah you too Queen no Frank's not that big a fan you too no I've never I've never I'll be honest I've never much cared for Queen no You too. No, Frank's not that big a fan. You too. I've never, I'll be honest, I've never much cared for Queen. No.

I'm sorry if you love Queen, but we're all different. I don't expect you to like who I like, for goodness sake. None of us do. Occasionally detects that when you play your songs but but my um my uh my son um if you listen to this on the app or whatever it is you listen what do they listen to it on app is it yeah podcast yeah podcast um i i get to play um six songs of my own choice every saturday morning It's six, is it? It is six. Does it feel like more? You're a witness. And we get a mixed response.

But, you know, sometimes you can't go down to them. You've got to bring them up to you. Agreed. So, anyway, I've been listening by default to an enormous amount of Queen. Why? Like, when I get up in the morning, Queen is on, full blast. Oh, because of...

My six-year-old son is mad for Queen. Oh, dear. Has that changed your opinion? No, I think that they... It's very good music for six-year-olds. Wowie. Now Now my problem with Queen Has always been I don't quite believe them

What do you mean? Elaborate Freddie I always found It was a bit arch It was like I'm doing rock and roll But I'm doing it With a bit of a wink

I don't really Right I don't mean any of this I'm larking around That was my problem They were playing At being rock stars a bit. I thought they lacked a bit of sincerity.

Having said that, I had the joy this week of having fried mushrooms on toast and singing We Are the Champignon, which I don't think I would have done if I hadn't been giving quite so much Queen this week. But I have one particular problem with Queen, which I will discuss with you after this. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, yeah, my problem with Queen is that that guitar tone that Brian May adopts sort of 98% of the time it sounds like the studio cat. Do you know what I mean? Mm-hmm.

It's like it's on, isn't it? Says the man who likes Blood Wim Pig. No, my brother liked Blood Wim Pig. Oh, okay, okay. I'm down, David. I find that... Why didn't anyone say, Brian, you did that on that other track? On the last 300.

Because when he plays the normal, like... It sounds great, but... Oh, no, that's what I can't cope with. It's a very specific gripe you've got for them. I know, but it's a dominant... Very specific and oddly vague all at once. It's a dominating sound. A dominating character.

You're not going to not notice Maggie when he walks in the room. Was he a dominating character? Physically. I imagine he was shoved around by Freddie. You're suggesting he was a James May character. I think so. James May, Brian May.

Do you know Brian May? Uh-oh. No, but thanks for the tip. They're all pushed around, aren't they, the Mays? They are. Theresa May, James May,

Brian May. They're all people who are very put upon by those around them. What about Vanessa's? You know, she seems like she can do We don't know what

Vanessa May has to put up with in the musical community. Simple as that. Who's the other Mays? 8, 12, 15. Who else has called May? I'll tell you what. Look, I had a first this week.

Oh. Yes. She was 35. I mean, it was all above board. No, no. Goodness me. I had a first. I went, I had my first ever book club.

Oh, you didn't. Have you ever done it? I've never done one, but I love the idea. No, absolutely not, and never would. You've never done it. Oh, that's interesting you say that. Can I ask you why not? Well, I want... Well, you can, but I'd like to know about your book club first, please. I'd like to ask you about the pressure of the deadline.

Doesn't it mean that you have to read by a certain day? Like, oh, I'm meeting them on Wednesday, so I've got to finish... Yeah, but that's... It's an enjoyable thing, is it? Well, my partner managed to string it out for just over a year. What, a book club? Yeah, we'd all read it, we're all ready. And she said, I haven't read it yet.

So we all had to read it again before we actually had the back. Anyway, so it was... Yes. In case any of you have never done it, you all read the same book, obviously, and get very familiar with that book, and then you sit in a room and pull that book apart as a group. I mean, I've done it with people.

When they're there? Not when they're there, no, because they're the book. I've been in people clubs where you sit in a room and talk about a person you all know quite well. And dissect them. And sometimes you praise them and sometimes you mercilessly tear them apart. Brilliant. But anyway, we all sat on beanbags.

I was on a beanbag. I think there was three of us on beanbags. There were five of us in the group. And we were doing Vinegar Girl. Oh. By Anne... Well, I must have left a laughing impression. Anne.

Well, I've read her twice now. I'd just call her Anne. Oh, yeah. Tyler. Anne Tyler. Do you know her? No, I don't. Okay.

Was it Antigua? No. Antifa? No, it's Anne Tyler. She's quite famous. She wrote Theigua? No. Antifa? No, it's Antigua. It's quite famous. She wrote The Accidental Tourist. Oh, OK, yes. With Bill Hurt starting.

Yes, he did. Bill Hurt. William Hurt is known as the... Do you know this? He's the most terrible bloke in Hollywood. Wow. Do you know this? He's the most terrible bloke in Hollywood.

Wow. A friend of mine worked with Bill Hurt, as they all call him. And apparently there had been a child star in it, or not child actress, and she'd worked. It was on the last day of Mum, and that was there. And she said, well, it's my last day, Mr. Hurt, and just kind of say, it's a great honour working with you. And I wonder if I could have my photo taken with you.

And my mate, you're not a good boy! Get out of my way! And it was like a real... She burst into tears, the mum. And anyway, my friend, I don't know why I'm telling you the bill hurt, but my friend's next thing was with Woody Allen, who has his detractors. Yeah. And that friend's next thing was with Woody Allen, who has his detractors. Yeah.

And that was his next film. And they all gathered for the read-through of the script. And Woody Allen said, OK, before we start, he said to my mate, you must have some Bill Hurt stories. So he had to tell them. Excellent. Anyway, the book club. We might open the book club. I'm sorry, that was a terrible digression.

I liked it. That's all right. You can go down a hurt-colder sack. How much Hollywood gossip do you get on Absolute Radio? Of that insider nature. Very, very little. Very little. So grab it while you can, that's my motto.

The motto of a great many men in this business. It's got to stop. Sorry, I'm floundering. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, yes, I was at the book club. And tell you what, it sort of reminded me of being back in higher education. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Both at Birmingham Polytechnic and Warwick University, my alma mater.

And I sometimes fantasise about going back into education. Academia. Academia, yeah. Well, that's connected to my reason for my reluctance to join the book club. Oh, is it? Not that I've been invited, but, you know, anyway, as you are. It wasn't quite the same as being a junior. No one stole my milk.

Anyway, so I know the first rule of book club is there is no book club, but I'm going to talk about it anyway. I'm surprised we're even talking about it. Yeah, and I thought it was the best night. I loved it. Oh, good. I thought it was great.

And I thought, wow, I just want to do book club after book club. Turns out, I think it was Babs Streisand that says, time has rewritten every line. Right. Turns out that people were upset, they felt that I talked over them, that I was dismissive of their opinions. Do you know what?

I was about to say when you said you thought it was great, I thought, I wonder if... How did we... I was boorish. How did we handle it? Were you boorish? Boorish. Boorish?

I was brusque. Oh. Al, do you want to handle this one? No, I'm just going to hear him out. I can't think of anything else I was beginning with B that I can say on the break. These accusations were levelled at you in general? It was brusque, apparently.

And boorish. Both of those things. So did you dominate the discussion a bit? I didn't feel I did. I thought I was being really restrained. Did other people miss a point of the book and you bring it to their attention? Oh, I can see him doing that.

I can see me being the one to miss her. The point of it is that you bring it to their attention Oh I can see him doing that I can see me being the hot misser The point of it is that you share your if someone has an opinion which you don't agree with, I think it's alright to say I don't agree Yeah that's true, what sort of tone did you use

when you said it? I honestly thought I thought it was a lovely I don't know, honestly it's like I was at a different book club, you know, honestly, it's like I was at a different book club. You know that feeling when you feel like you're at a different book club? I spoke to my personal assistant about it the next day. Was she there? No, she wasn't there. Take her everywhere.

What did she say? Yeah, she was handling my yellow stickies. If you'll pardon the expression. And she said, it sounds like hell on earth. I mean, she said to me... A lot of hell on this show recently. Exactly.

I think that's the third acknowledgement of hell this week. A member of Little Mix and Donald Tusk. They're all at it. Yeah, I think there's been a shift towards belief. But she said, she actually said this, she said, one thing I would never do is join a book club. And I thought, what is with, it's just book clubs we're talking about,

not like a dogfight in syndicate. No, I'm with that. A book club, The most benign... Well, bookish. It's bookish, a book club. It is bookish. You can't get around that. But honestly, you would think...

I'm with her, Frank. People were talking about that night like Vietnam vets. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So you won't be doing that book club again? No, I don't think so. I had no idea that the potential for upset, and that never occurred to me. I think the potential for embarrassment is there.

That would be my big anxiety, is that I would go in and I'd have missed the point of the whole book, which I did with, you know the book The Life of Pies, apparently? Oh, yeah. Oh, the tiger one. Well, it's a real tiger. Well, I took it as... I like that Frosty's ad better.

And then you felt a real fool. I was like, oh, yeah, that was a good story, wasn't it? Oh, I hate it and I missed it. Well, what was the point that you missed it? Well, wasn't it that it was invented to cover the fact that he'd killed the other dude? Oh, he invented that. To be honest, I didn't get to the end of the life of Pi.

Oh, right, yeah. That would be another embarrassing thing in a book club. And it's not often I don't get to the end of anything with the word Pi in it. But I didn't. No, I got a bit fed up with the man and tiger on a boat. We're all different. If there's anyone out there who loves life of pie, good on you.

Yeah. It's fine. I like the Frosty's ad better. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 230 has texted with some Freddie Mercury news. We're certainly running our late review feature of the show, now doing Queen.

Freddie always said it was a facade, I should just bring anybody up to speed. Frank feels like it's a bit insincere, is that? Yes, I think it's always done with a bit of a wink, Queen. A bit like Shawaddy Waddy doing vintage rock and roll. Oh come on, I'm not going to stand by and let you talk about them like that. I think they're in the same Venn diagram. How dare you.

Well it's because you take a genre that means a lot to people and then you slightly, you know. Could you rock out a suit like they did? No. Well, no. I remember seeing a poem in NME. I can't do the whole part. It began with, I heard that the singer of Queen is... I'll leave

the rest. It's probably just talk. Anyway, what does that person say? They reckon that it was all a facade and that he always said so and witnessed lyrics to his song I Am The Great Pretender Oh well, that's fair enough He admitted that it was a facade You did admit off-air to one Queen song that you liked which I also like, Days Of Our Lives

Yeah, but Days Of Our Lives does sound real That does sound sincere I mean, he's got a great voice I'm not knocking him I'm not knocking him, I'm not knocking him. If you like him, great. I had to explain that the Bee Gees were... I had to explain that the Bee Gees

were men singing in falsetto to my son the other day because it was on the radio. Just the concept of falsetto was quite a weird thing to try and explain. I like the idea that you demonstrated it. I did. Oh, please, can we hear that? I said, do you know that high bit of your voice?

Like that. There you go. They could have been, they're here today. Well, actually, they're not. Barry's. Is it Barry? Don't bring that up. Who's left?

Barry's left. Barry's left. Always my favourite. Barry's left. Oh, that's nice for you. Okay, yeah. I'm just thinking, when I heard that, you know what I thought? Panto.

Unavailable. Yeah. He's got a good panto voice. But what character would he play? Roy Orbison? That popular pantomime. He could do Widow Twanky. Barrett Orbison.

I know you didn't. We've got to go to the... Producer did a winding up sign with the headlamps. Oh, I hate a winding up sign. I've had some rows about those. Especially at the book club. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cock and you can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I just can't get used to that crazy Instagram innovation.

Well, you're on there now yeah I'm just looking we've had some news in from last week from Mr Clive who often gets in touch with us from India we did a super marionation talk on last week's show

did we discuss super marionation oh yes we did well I'll continue it yes marina and Atlanta Shore. I always thought Troy Tempest was based on James Garner. I always thought Troy Tempest, I'm sorry, was based on James Garner, not Scott from Thunderbirds. Oh, no, I can see that.

When you think about it, they are quite similar-looking men. But, yeah, I wonder if I've misremembered the Sylvia Anderson. Well, Mr Clive continues, P.S. I also have a suspicion of anyone that fancies Marina. Is that something you confess to? Yeah, because she's a mute, and I think any bloke who...

Not that I'm saying it... It's such thin ice here. Obviously, that doesn't make... It's a submissive nature in the character yeah oh I see

you know what I'm saying whereas Atlanta was redhead I think that's a good topic I think save that up for your book club yeah maybe you're right

all gone with your book club and tinting that's going to be my new phrase in Thunderbirds they had made the stranger choice of having a character

called Tintin and you'd think well that's taken. Yeah, that's definitely gone. Come on, don't do it. That's what I'm having now from Gerry Anderson. Did they really do that? Yeah, they had the...

You can't do that. The Hood's daughter. Popeye popping up in Toy Story. But the Hood. Oh, the Hood, no. It's interesting, the Hood. I never... And I'm sure there'll be fans who can disproveprove me i don't remember him ever wearing a hood on any occasion okay was

he villainous he was the bad guy oh of course he had a sort of a yule brenner look to him but he had a sweet a sweet daughter called tinting and that would have been before hoods were sort of stigmatized by uh yes that was probably about 10 years ago when been before hoods were sort of stigmatised by... Yes. That was probably about ten years ago, wasn't it? When hoodies became sort of like... They were associated mainly with the monastic life. They were back then. Yeah. Not now. No, it's all changed now.

Still, you know what I say? No Burberry. Is that one of your rules? Yes. I'm all my clubs. Good rule to live by. I don't still work for a fashion magazine. I'd have had to hand in my resignation tomorrow. I'll tell you an interesting story from this week's newspapers. You know, We Heart News.

Oh, yes, We Heart News. We like to keep abreast of the... Both the left and the right ventricle news. We're right on top of it. Chris Eubanks. Chris Eubanks Senior has got himself intole news. We're right on top of it. Chris Eubank, Chris Eubank Senior, has got himself into the news. Sorry, Al. What's up? What's happened?

I'm so sorry. It's just that someone responded to our text, the idea of attending a book club is divided opinion. Do you think going to a book club with Frank would be hell on earth? And Evan has replied, you'd never let anyone else speak. No, that's not.

Can I finish? No. You'd have a great time, but then the book club would just stop meeting on a different night and not tell you. Oh, well, that could happen, of course. That could happen. I mean, that's harsh.

I'm so sorry, Al. I really thought I was backing off and giving people some space, but you can't wait forever for these people. Yeah, true. Look, just in the interest of balance, KB has said on the contrary, it would probably be the best book club ever if Frank Skinner attended.

What about that? Okay. What about that from Kenny Ball? Did you moot any of your books as a potential book for you to all read? No, that would have been... Do you know what, Al? He would totally do that, wouldn't he? That's the only way I can think of you raising the stakes in any way.

I would have your book. I was asked some funny questionnaire thing and I had to do some books and Frank's was one of mine. Well, soon, of course, we'll be able to have a book club of Emily Dean's books. What about that on March the 7th release date? What about that? He's across all the products. He knows them all.

That's great. What if we, us three, had a book club about it? About my book? Might be a bit weird for you. No, you can't because you're in it anyway. I could talk about it. Yes, I'm sure you will. I could talk about me.

Chapter 7, me. Till the cattle return to their domicile. Can I just say 541 has said, I always thought the hood was from US slang, shortening hoodlum, and 541 is correct, of course. Oh, yeah, so... He wasn't really a hoodlum.

I got a book signed by Gerry Anderson at Harrods, ostensibly for the kids. And what's the name of Gerry Anderson's fan club? The Gerries. No. Any offers? No Okay

Fanderson Oh Do you know that's rather marvellous Oh yeah That is nice Oh it almost makes me want to change my name to Anderson It makes me want to change mine to Fanderson But then if there's got a fan club what are they going to call me?

You did know someone who changed their name to Is it Millionaire or something? No I knew a lady who changed their name to... Was it Millionaire or something? No, I knew a lady who changed her name from Williams to Milliams. That was it, yeah. And I think it was because she knew someone called Gold who'd won the lottery and she thought that... It's that nominative determinism she thought it might... I'm not sure you can pick your own, can you?

Nominative determinism after the... Well, I don't know. This was an experiment to find out. She hasn't, to my knowledge, won the lottery, but she's had a pretty successful life, I think. We book clubs, actually. Al, I would like to get back to what you were saying, but just briefly, Sian says,

I read as a hobby because I don't want to interact with people. Too many people at a book club. You know what, Sian? I'm with you. That's great, actually. I'm all over, Sian. That's the last thing Sian wants. Well, we were just discussing the lottery there, and

there's been a news story this week. Was it a segue? No, it's not. It's just popped up, but I'm calling back to it. Chris Eubank Sr. has... English now. ...has revealed a lottery story that he thinks he was cheated out of a huge windfall, as they say in the tabs.

They do, yeah. He reckons he got five out of six numbers and should have won over $100,000, but the guy in the grocery store said it's five numbers and the payout's $25. This was in 1984, yeah. And then in his tweet, I think this was, he said, naive me took it.

Not naively I took it. Naive me, like he's got several alter egos from his history. I love naive me. Well, he probably's got several alter egos from his history. I love naive me. He probably has got several, but naive me. And then, Al, he did sad face emoji. Did he? Yeah. With monocle, or without?

Well, I think if I was him, I'd put some money to getting some emojis done with monocles. I think there are emojis with monocles, aren't there? I don't know. I'm not very emoji... I think this incident is when Chris Eubanks started to wear a monocle

so that he could keep a closer eye on people. Ah. Well, he did do... Do you think it actually... Do you think it's a prescription monocle that he wears? I don't know. Can you imagine talking to him? Chris, can you just have a look at this?

Oh, yes, one second. And he has to actually get it out to read but is it or is it an affectation I don't think he's affected I can't imagine an affectation

Al what I might do I'm thinking I might pay a researcher to go through every photograph of him and see if it's

always in the same eye I don't think him and see if it's always in the same eye I like that you'd get him on that like Al Capone on Taxis Yeah Get him onto a chat show to talk about something else and then confront him with the monocle being in one eye and then the other Cornered Oh it'd be brilliant With the monocle being in one eye and then the other.

Cornered. Oh, it'd be brilliant. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were discussing Chris Eubank Sr. and the thing that happened to him in 1984 when he thought he was going to win over $100,000 in the lottery and he got 25. I mean, it's not the 1984 Orwellian nightmare that we're all more... It's a bit more small beer, isn't it? Can I just ask this question?

Is the idea that if you get a winning ticket, the storekeeper gives you the money? Yes, I believe so. I mean, I'm sure they don't have to pay out of their takings. But he was saying that, I presume he had kept it for himself. Yes. He'd given him £25 and then went on to pay the money. Is it his job to hand out the money?

Or is he saying, here's $25, I'll do all the paperwork? Is he doing that? Oh, no, he was saying it was only worth it, so he could steal it. Well, maybe the system is that small payments get paid out of the till and the bigger ones go out. The problem is... This was New York in the...

In the 80s. In the 80s. Who knows what was going on? It was all Studio 54. Or was that 70s? In the 80s. Who knows what was going on? It was all Studio 54. Or was that 70s? 70s, dear. However, he did say, he does follow the Nazarene, we should say, Frank.

Chris does. Yes, he said immediately after his smiley emoji, no more recall, he said, God is good. Because when he was making the point that that's what had stopped him, he would have lost his focus. Little mix. Had he got the hundred...

Yes. There's been a lot of it about, hasn't there? Yeah, it's all... Invoking. Yeah. A lot of invoking. We're going to have to have a whole section on the show, invoking news. Invokefest.

Yeah. I have to say, I don't know whether you believed this when you heard it, but I'm afraid the good people of Twitter didn't. And there was a lot of scepticism regarding Chris's story. It doesn't seem that incredible a story to me. No. You're a man of your wealth and property. No, but I didn't really...

I'm not a very cynical man. No. I must have told you about that guy when the oldest man in Britain died, have I told you about that? And he said they talked to the captain of the bowls club that he still used to attend. He's 106, I think he was, or something.

And they said to the bloke, where did you feel when you heard out that whatever his name was Charlie had died he said well someone phoned me up and said Charlie's died he said I'll be honest with you I didn't believe he I thought you are a cynical man he's 104

and you thought well it's been some foul fly there wow so I I mean, you know, it's Chris Eubank, but it doesn't seem like an incredible... If he's made it up, it's a weird whole thing to make up.

And also, it wouldn't have been a bad short story. I think if he were making it up... No, because the whole idea, the whole argument, he says, is if he'd won that money, he wouldn't have been a hungry fighter, and he wouldn't have become, like, whole idea, the whole argument, he says, is if he'd won that money, he wouldn't have been a hungry fighter and he wouldn't have become the top fighter that he was. You say great short story, I say potential parable.

Well, he's very neo-scriptural at the best of times. That, I would say, is his style. Or thanks taking it to book club. That's how he thinks these days. I'd certainly take the Chris Eubank novel Lottery of Power,

or something it would be called. Some people did point, sorry Frank. Go on. Some people did point out. This is what I was like at the book club. People say Gary and I go, no, no, no, I'm listening to more of him. If anyone in the present at the book club, please text in. Yes, some people did point out as well that he was 18. I think it was the same year that he played Madison...

He was boxing at Madison Square Garden for the first time. So at what point did he realise, and if so, why did he not go back to the store, people were pointing out, to remonstrate with the shop owner? Yeah, look, he escaped for that shop owner. You may not realise who he defrauded. I think if there's any fiction in this,

what's happened with Chris is he's looked up. He's looked up. Footballers' tents. Boxers' tents. Probably years later, he's seen a five-number win of 100,000 and think, just a moment. Yeah. It's only a matter of time, wasn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. Fluffering fucker cash. He's thought to himself that, you know, that something's afoot. And that's what I've heard. And then I think he's... So it might not have been that he'd have got £100,000 that week. But if he's seen a five-number win pay £100,000

and he's thinking, I've been duped. All of which is reasonable. However, what he shouldn't have done is then post in response, I really cannot see what is so difficult to believe about my lottery true story. I like that. I like lottery true story. I don't find it that.

No, but don't. When you call something a lottery true story, immediately I start to think maybe it's not true. It's a little bit of the Donald Trump school of Twitter. I'm great. Here's one of my true stories. I've got the best stories. Well, you know, it's long been my belief that when you win the lottery,

the only way you should get the money is if you agree to wear a top hat every day for the rest of your life so you can be identified as a lottery winner, he wouldn't even flinch, would he, at that deal? You bet. Might do it anyway. Exactly. I mean, obviously, you get a lot of people with peanut allergies avoiding him in the street.

Thinking he was Mr Planter. It's not Mr Planter, is it? It's Mr Peanut from Planters. Oh, I don't know. Do you know, if someone picks you up on that, I don't want to know them. Yeah, I don't. We're very heavy on facts at the moment,

so let's keep it going. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. If I may return back to the book club briefly. Oh, yes. The Wallace has got in touch. The Wallace? Yes, to say, if Frank starts a book club, I'm in. I imagine it would be hilarious and also very insightful.

Thank you. Frank, well, the praise continues. Oh, yeah, I know. As you know, interrupting is a thing I'm trying to stop doing. Carry on. Frank often has a very interesting and funny view on things. Hi. On the other balance, though,

Carol Hall, Deadlines and Beanbags. Deadlines and Beanbags. Love that shit. That would be the book of the book club if it was written. Yes. It's very good, that. Yeah. And Taxi Joe has brought us back to Chris

by saying, morning all, the thing is, if you turn up to claim your lottery winnings in a monocle, the shopkeeper's going to assume you're loaded already, surely. That's a very good point. Yeah, but why is that?

Why is it that the only posh people wear monocles? 8, 12, 15. Yes. This could be one of our better ones. Also, great monocle wearers. I mean, other than Mr Planters. I think Terry Thomas. Lovely, lovely bit of work there.

Used to wear a monocle. I mean, they're all dying out, the monocle wearers. Oh, I'll tell you. Richard Tauber, the German light operatic tenor. Oh. I mean, you're getting quite niche here, love. Now, I'll tell you what I used to do. My dad was a big fan of Richard Tauber,

and so every time I sang one of his songs... Lord Charles. Yeah, Lord Charles. Thank you, I'm so proud of that. Did I tell you I saw... A bit obscure. Let's get back to Richard Tauber. Yeah.

So I used to have this thing when I lived with Dave that if ever I sang one of Richard Tauber's songs, usually You Are My Heart's Delight, which went... You are my heart's delight and where you are I long to be. Whenever I did it, Dave would take his spectacles off and put one of the lenses over one of my eyes

for a Richard Tauber impression. But yeah, I worked with Ray Allen, who was the operator. Stop name dropping. I worked with the operator of Lord Charles. You're a pretty little thing, aren't you? And he had him in a box and he opened the box. That's cruel. Yeah.

He opened the box. Treats him like an animal. And he'd been dead ten years. Now, he opened the box and he had like a red velvet top on it and he opened the red velvet top and there lay Lord Charles with the kiss curl on his head. And he had the monocle in, and he also had a personal microphone on the lapel.

Oh, nice. There's little touches like that. Yes, attention to what I believe the Americans call detail. They do. Can I just say, though, I think that, to me, Lord Charles sits in the monocle armchair, as we would call it. Superior to Chris Eubank?

Well, Chris Eubank, obvs. Let's say next to Eubank. Yeah, yes. You know? You're right. I mean, if you can better that, bring it. Come on, so we want... Bring it, as Chris Eubank said, to some of the people, to some of his naysayers.

I find it weird that the news story is essentially about people doubting the veracity of his story. Like, how's that news? Just go into a Wetherspoons and there'll be a bloke that everyone knows is a liar and there'll be other people going, no, I'm not sure about that, Keith, or whatever. I tell you what, I don't know, I used to know, I always knew like one

or two people in my life who were terrible liars. Who always told, like a bloke said it to a dog. It wasn't in the papers, was it? A dog run over by a lorry and there was no blood. I remember him telling that story at all. He said it just,

you know, he said it just, he said it just, he said it just broke like a cruncher. And, but I don't know, there's no one in my life now who I know to be a regular

and notorious liar. Tracy in Nottingham. Yes. She's come up with a good one. Okay, should we, should we cliff hang?

Should we cliff hang? I think we should. Okay, let's do it. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, so were you mid...? Well, we've had...

We were talking about the greatest ever monocle wearer. Is this the one you were reading before? OK. This is Tracy in Nottingham. He's the greatest monocle wearer. Do you were reading before? Okay. This is Tracy and Nottingham. He's the greatest, he's Monocle wearer. Do you remember that song? Yeah. Well, you might regret that when you hear who the person is.

Patrick Moore is surely superior to a wooden puppet in the Monocle wearing charts. Yes. And a shout out to everybody else who suggested Patrick Moore because we've lit up the switchboard with this oversight, ironically. Can I say, he was very off. When I worked with him, he was horrible to me. Worked with him all.

He was horrible to you. He was, yeah. What was it, a book club thing? Why, did he accuse you of talking over him? Yeah, yeah. No, he was saying, I think he called me a fool. Did he? Yeah. Can I say, I would have called me a fool. Did he?

Yeah. Can I say I would have paid a grand to watch that? And I thought if you use the right hand, or when I say right, the correct hand, you can hit, whereas you can't hit someone in glasses, you can hit someone in a monocle, as long as you hit the other eye. Good point.

Yeah. The Mail, by the way, the Daily Mail, they did this story and they said, Chris Eubank, who can sometimes be seen adorning a monocle. Yeah, that's weird. And I thought, well, that's opened up a whole can of worms as to who wears who. Do they think, well, it is a magazine, Monocle.

Maybe they mean the front cover of Monocle. Oh, I wonder if I bet they didn't mean that. No, they don't. They're illiterate. Oh, that's true, yeah. Yeah, we've just made a terrible mistake, haven't we? You might be glad it worked there. Don't care about the quality of output. But it's like you start with the Monocle

and then you add Chris Eubank. It's like, you know, sometimes you ever get this thing when you think, oh, I'd love some Piccadilly. What am I going to put under it? And then you think of something, it could go on. It's like that. You start with the monocle. It's a revolutionary.

Yeah. I think that this thing about why only rich people wear them. Yes. Tell us. I think that we are discouraged from wearing monocles. For example, an optician quite recently said to me, because I was short-sighted. I am short-sighted. But I can read.

When I read, I read best with nothing. Just no glasses, nothing Just a pyjama top? Yeah, just a pyjama top. And a monocle Just a waistcoat and a straw boat with my ears coming through like Top Cap But

she said well you could try wearing just the one lens and then the other eye would look... So one eye would do the reading. Oh, I see. But she never at any point suggested a monocle, which is the obvious extension.

And I think they are resentful about people only paying half. I mean, I'm guessing a monocle is half the price of a pair of spectacles. You'd think. I wonder. But I wonder, Emma, if they're carrying some extra equipment on the other eye that doesn't need it. Well, we could be happy in a monocle.

Age 12, 15. Frank, also, Chris decided to... He had... There's a website called Didn't Happen of the Year Awards and he... They got into a bit of beef with him. Well, they're doubting Thomases, aren't they?

They're doubting Thomases. Are they doubting Thomases? Okay. They are. See, they use your expressions. Oh, yeah, they love all that. And Christmas they do. Yeah, yeah.

Damascene conversions. Because Christmas was definitely original. Take what they want. But he came at them when they challenged him and said, you know, this sounds like a lie. He said 19 times world champion, dual distinction as sergeant and marshal in police law enforcement. Wow. My favourite, Skybox office pioneer, 1995. Brilliant.

Estimated IQ, 190. Wow. Estimated. Which FYI is 30 more than Einstein, but never mind. 1995 brilliant estimated IQ 190 wow estimated which FYI is 30 more than Einstein but never mind goodness me

yeah he also said six times best dressed man awards brilliant open to any challenge

in chivalry combat intelligence and dandyism that is fantastic hashtag brilliant when I was they had me at former pugilists

because that's a great job title description in the article, former pugilists. But that, he's really articulated it well. I went to a book launch and I was launching my book and Whispering Bob Harris from the Old Grey Whistle Test was doing these. Where was Tauber? We got up and Tauber wasn't on.

Okay. But Chris Eubank, we're supposed to get up and talk a bit about our book and try and sell it to an audience. Yeah. Of booksellers and people from Tesco and stuff who are at the very centre of the book world, incredibly. And we all did that. And then Chris Eubank got up and recited the naming of parts of World War I, probably.

And then he sat down. I love him. For that. That's a great night. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skin Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You got it. We've got a number of texts on the go. There's some talking about monocle wearers, famous monocle wearers. Who we got? Is it all Patrick Moore?

Well, Andy Laurie has pointed out, is the monocle an exclusively male affectation? Good point. Perhaps male aristocrats find unilateral squinting comes naturally to them. For mere mortals, it is impossible as well as ridiculous. Just a thought. Love you, Andy, Laurie and Sheffield.

Yeah. Is that our kind of person? I love unilateral squinting. I wonder if it's something to do with the shape of the female face. Oh, maybe. Not that they all look the same, but they tend to be more aquiline, don't they?

Well, I think it's more to do with the fact... Didn't you get the sort of elderly Victorian aunt, I would imagine, with some sort of eyeglass? The eyeglass. She would hold it up on a lanyard. It's right there. I cannot in my mind now picture a woman in a monocle.

Oh, that's a relief to all of us. Try harder. I don't want you picturing us in monocles, thank you. We had a bit of an update on the idea that they might be half the price of glasses. Oh, yeah. Or spectacles. Oh, wow, that'd be a good one for you to cover. One five, yeah.

In regards to monocles, I have a gammy left eye. Don't. It makes me sick when people use that phrase. It's that eye. I'll continue. You'll feel great all the way through this now. Whereas my right eye is 20-20. I think that means vision.

I don't think it means in the future. No, it doesn't mean it plays limited overs cricket. My left is about as clear as a pint of pond scum. Hence, I tried to acquire a monocle. Broken Britain. Yeah. I hate eyes. Eyes and eggs. Not a monocle. Broken Britain. Yeah. Horrible. I hate eyes. Eyes and eggs. Not easy.

Oh, I like eggs. Not easy. The continuing, meaning acquiring a monocle. I could only find two suppliers online and they were double the price of a pair of glasses. How can that be? Because you know what? When I said they should be half price, I was

actually letting them off light because there's no stem. Are they still the one you've got? We're talking sans stem. Agreed. Kenny from Edinburgh continues, the optician has suggested a pair of glasses with the left eye lens like a jam jar base

and a clear thin lens in the right eye aperture. I'm glad I'm not the only one that's had an issue with this. No, so can I... If a person with one leg goes into a shoe shop... Anyone else feel tense? Anyone else feel tense? Why would you not hear, Alan? Perfectly safe territory with eyes.

I'm pretty sure we're about to drop off air but go on do they have to buy a pair of shoes I've still got your number so we'll keep in touch yeah yeah I think

do they have to buy a pair that is a very good texting why this is one of my favourite texting why should they be forced into buying

two shoes they don't need it's a very inclusive texting it's not a campaign I expected you to get behind, but, you know, it's lovely that you care. Every comedian now on Twitter seems to have activist after their name.

So this is me. So this is yours? This is me. All right, the show, then. Monocle availability. Two shoes or one. Shoe pair refusal rights. Yeah.

That's what I'm fighting for. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 496 has been in touch. The problem with a monocle is that if the wearer becomes surprised or shocked

and raises an eyebrow, it will fall off. It's on a string, though. What if you were... A string? What if you're going to Alan's shop? What if you were driving a car whilst wearing a monocle and there was an accident? Oh, no, and you were cut up. It falls off and there's an accident as a result.

Oh, yeah. Well, I think that... That's from David and there's an accident as a result. Oh, yeah. Well, I think that... That's from David. We've got to have a rule. The simple thing there is to have a monocle suspended from the ceiling of the car that you just peer through. When you say it's on a string, I mean on a sort of slinky metal... What is the attachment system with a monocle?

It's usually a string that fits into the... Metal, I presume. Into the waistcoat. No, yeah, it tucks into the... You know the lapel, the buttonhole of the lapel?

Yeah, well, it's normally a string, I think. I'm thinking Mr. Peanut. It's not a pocket watch. That's what you're thinking. Where does Mr. Peanut... Where does the end

of Mr. Peanut's... of Mr... It sounds like a pet name for the high-yous at home. Where does the end of Mr. Peanuts monocle streak? Is this like a tree falling in the forest question? Where's it attached? That's what I'm asking. Does it wear a... I don't think he wears a jacket or a waistcoat. Where does, let's call it,

the non-business end of Mr Peanut's monocle string get attached? I think it's attached to him. I mean, they're fibrous peanut shells, but I don't think they'd take a sharp... Not over time. No, he'd be... They're greasy as well.

Greasy. Once he'd been pierced... It would slip off, Frank. That'd be the end. I'd be trying. Internal... Internal trying. Yeah.

Internal trying would finish off Mr. Phil. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, can we get on to the subject of monocles again? Yes, OK. We've never been off it. We've had 106. Do you remember one reader had texted in regarding the lack of ladies who wear

a monocle? That's a very good point. I work with a lady who wears a monocle. Hey, I'm Spartacus. And is very proud of it. Monica, is it? I want to say it very good. 555, Professor Yaffle wore a monocle.

From Bad Puss. Do you remember? Don't you remember Bad Puss the cat? Was he like a... Was he an avian? I think he might have been in the Central Reservation at that point. But was he an avian? Yeah, he was a wooden owl. Oh, yes, there you go. Do you remember him? The Bad Puss years, OK?

We also were running a texting where you were, you know, thinking aloud, doing a little bit of blue sky. If an owl wore a monocle, he'd need a longer string to allow for the 360 degree turn. Yeah, and also they'd have to turn their head back in case they ended up... Yeah, because if they went round again, they could strangle themselves.

You don't want to do that. I think it would be really cumbersome, the monocle string on the owl. It would get all mixed up in the feathers. Yeah, you're right. Don't you think? I'd hate it. You're right.

I'd get rid of it. I think they could have, like, Odin. I've got that one that just clips, like, sort of clips on from the side of the head. Plus the track, yeah. We were thinking aloud, and you were mooting in one of our more inclusive text-ins. Do amputees have to buy two shoes? And 854 has texted in, FAO Frank Skinner show,

a little bit stern at the start. Morning. My son is a left leg amputee. He has a prosthetic leg, so he does need two shoes to walk around. However, I only realised this after chucking out all his left shoes when he was in hospital.

Oh, God! Oh, no! That's from Michelle. He could have at least given them to another amputee. So that's cleared that up, I feel like. Yeah, but you do see people in wheelchairs who don't have the prosthetic leg. Perhaps this is somewhere we should...

Why shouldn't we talk about it? It's not talking about it, that's the prosthetic leg. Perhaps this is somewhere we should... Why shouldn't we talk about it? It's not talking about it that's the problem. Indeed. OK. I just don't think you should have to buy two shoes if you're in that. Edward has been in touch. I just have to mention this, Frank.

Props to Frank for not mentioning William Hartnell's doctor. He apparently wore a monocle. He did. I'll tell you apparently wore a monocle. He did. I'll tell you something about his monocle. He's got a black velvet attachment. Yeah, quite a thick strip. A ribbon. His was on a ribbon. I'm going to go that far. I mean, I wouldn't call that a monocle, isn't it?

It's an absolute obstruction. Facial obstruction. You're fancy for getting Billy Hartnell. I think it's obvious that you wouldn't mention that because you have a rule, don't you, that you never discuss your fandom of Doctor Who on air. Exactly. I keep that still on a very firm rule. What he seemed to have,

looking at this photo of William Hartnell, Frank, I mean, this won't be news to you, you were talking earlier about keeping a dressing gown robe clutched to you, to your person. Do you know what? Sorry, go on. When I said that about I could sleep with it closed,

I thought of William Hartnell clutching his lapels, Sorry, go on. When I said that about I could sleep with it closed, I thought of William Hartnell clutching his lapels, which is what he did quite a lot. Was that his shtick? Yes. What he'd do, his standard thing was to walk to the front of the shot. So he's looking slightly off camera, right at the front, and the other characters are looking at him while he spoke out. Well, the reason I mention that,

his seems to be more of an open robe affair, I would say, because it's on either side. It's on each lapel, isn't it? Yeah. But he wore a Victorian, Australian Edwardian frock coat was his thing. Nobody knows why. But yes, ribbon, ribbon on a monocle. Yeah, ribbon on the monocle.

I know, I know, it's serious Did I mention the penguin from Batman as well? Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow That's what that, 60s penguin That's good, you could get a show commission on the strength of that We're having a number of people correcting us Professor Yaffle was a woodpecker, not an owl Oh, sorry, sorry

Hold on Correctioni, correctioni Professor Yaffle was a woodpecker, not an owl. Oh, sorry, sorry. Hold on. Correction, correction. We're always happy to be corrected. Quite dangerous to be a wooden woodpecker. Well, would you revise your opinion then? Read the monocle. Well, monocle okay for woodpecker.

You were worried about the owl, because as we've pointed out before on the show, the owl is, I I mean as I say I'm not body shaming them oh yeah but they're not beach body ready the owl they're round shaped

they're a bit like the Liverpool player Shaqiri they've got that kind whether he can turn he's had 360 degrees I don't know also the owl community don't ever have that awkward

moment where the female says does my bum look big in this? The male owl can just say, well, you look, you've got a spinning head. Just turn around. That's a good point. Why are you looking so tense? No, I've never been more relaxed. I was just thinking with Shaqiri that one of the things that he really doesn't have which

you need if you're a footballer is the ability to clap your hands above your head. He's managed that. He's managed. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Ian West has pointed out about Mr Peanut, he's always on business.

He doesn't have a non-business end. That's fair enough. I'd like to talk about this gentleman. I don't know if he's aristocratic, but he's certainly got a few bob. There's an anonymous businessman. Immediately suspicious. It's always the start of a... Wasn't he a medieval painter?

Very good, very good. Very good. Who's apparently... Well, he's been hinting around that he wants to buy a mountain to carve his family's faces into. Who hasn't? What a brilliant idea.

Mount Rushmore style. So he's looking in Scotland, apparently. Is he? Yeah. We should explain, in case you don't know that Mount Rushmore is a mountain in... I think it's Utah? No.

I think it's Dakota. Dakota, very good, yes. I think it's as in... I'd have just gone with America, guys. Okay. Why you had to be so specific? And it's for... So the very 70s.

It's the faces of four... In fact, we spoke about it. I don't know if it was in the edit, but we spoke about it on the recent big big quiz of everything big quiz of the year darling

big quiz of everything not the year oh I do apologise yeah and it's Thor it's Lincoln Jefferson Washington

Roosevelt everybody's talking about pop music talk about or I suppose rock music probably in this case and it's it's very impressive imagine living in a time is talking about pop music. Talk about, or I suppose rock music probably in this case.

And it's very impressive. Imagine living in a time when they had such confidence of the continuing reputations of male public figures that they would carve them into a mountain. Yes. I think the ice sculpture is the current medium of choice for those things. But wow, they really trusted those guys. Yeah. Every time something terrible was exposed about you,

you just got a bit of your anatomy hacked off. Well, I don't know if you've ever seen a picture of the, is it the Marquette that a sculpture makes the sort of little model before oh right okay yeah the market of um of mount rushmore there's a lot more of them not more presidents but more of their jackets and so like getting the full-body Mr. Peanut. Well, it's mid-shot. It's sort of mid... You get from head to waist on them. It's a bit like...

And what are they wearing? Can you remember? I mean, I'm not saying that's the most important thing, but it kind of is. Just a dressing gown. Are you familiar... Abraham Lincoln clutching his robe. Are you familiar with Beatles For Sale?

Yes. That album. Well, the sleeve of that is what it looks like. Got it. Good reference. It really looks like that. Do you think they changed it to headshots in the run-up or do you think they just started one head and went,

oh, we've gone too big on this headshot? I wonder if they started... We've run out of mounting. You know like when you're writing a birthday card and then I write too much in it and then I have to just condense it and Emily's tiny at the end. But what about if they'd started with the jackets and stuff

and then run out? I mean, that would have been rubbish, wouldn't it? Just four blunts. And then they'd have had to try and holler that a bit for a gentleman's clothes shop that they could have put in the bottom. Oh, thank God they started with the heads. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Can I just read out something from Anthony Moss, who's got in touch, regarding the question, would you want to be in a book club with Frank Skinner or would you find it hell on earth? Which was leading the witness, rather, the way the producer phrased it. Oh, did you put that on there? Oh, OK.

Blimey. No way, says Anthony. Frank pricks the bubble of pretense in art through comedy, without losing the fact that deeper meaning does exist and can be profound and beautiful. Praise very much not redacted. I think that's a lovely thing.

That's the Edinburgh poster. Well, can I say I agree? Okay, thank you. Lovely moment there. Yeah. What if it's wrong? What if there is no meaning? Anyway,

have a good day, everyone. Have you seen Mount Rushmore? Have you seen Mount Rushmore? Do you know, I'm desperate to see Mount Rushmore. I don't think I've ever met anyone who's told me they've seen Mount Rushmore. Since we've been talking about it this morning.

Yeah, is there a Mount Rushmore? Do you think it's like Chris Eubanks' story? Fake news. Liar. I would go to Dakota just to see it. If you think about it, Chris Eubanks' story is more believable than Mount Rushmore. Do you not, are you not intrigued?

I'm impressed with this guy, though. 12 million quid he's going to spend on getting his family carved. He's got four children and a wife. Not just that. There's an addition. What's that? He also wants the family dog. Wow.

Which is the most fabulous thing I've ever heard. It is like the staffie at the end of the family portrait. Yeah, or Lagerfeld. Remember when Karl Lagerfeld wanted to marry his cat? That's right, yeah. It was illegal, he said. Yeah. I think he said it was. See, if you had...

I think he said it was an admin nightmare, didn't he? If you had a Lagerfeld mountain, you could have him, and you could go for a snow peak. Very good. So you got the head on. And then tie a little black bow around the mountain. Oh, I mean.

Sometimes I crack jokes at the dinner table, and I'm convinced my family in that moment are made of stone. So maybe I'm saving myself £12 million. I think it's a lovely idea, the kids. The wife is a risk, isn't it? Yeah. Because if you divorce, well, the next wife's not going to like it. Get a big chisel and just knock the wife to pieces.

You're going to have to have a word with the sat-nav when you've got the next wife in the car. You don't want to be driving past that mountain. What about the dog, though, Frank? Lovely. Because I do think that you've got to be careful. Like, Alan's dog, the Whippet, going to look lovely up there.

Very sleek, made for stone in many ways. Poodle, not so much, though. You don't think so? Keegan Curl is very hard to render. Chiselling nightmare. I wouldn't mind buying a Cliff face and then putting Cliff Richard's face on it. Oh, nice.

So you get the pun and the artwork. Do you know, you'd look good in stone. Also, I'm pretty confident with Cliff now. They've done the search. He's fine. He's fine. You'd look good in stone. Do you think? Well, my face is going that way. I think it's

hardening of the arteries. You've got one of those faces that I think would look good as a statue. What's my chances of ending up in a mountain? Well, you could commission it. You've got a few quid. You, Kath, Buzz. I couldn't buy a mountain. Maybe I could buy a hillock.

Yeah. Well, you don't want to do that. I mean, people, you know. What? Hillock. It's too easy, isn't it, to rhyme it and make you feel a fool. Oh, I see. I'd forgotten that.

I haven't heard that word since whatever happened to the likely land. It's on absolute 80s right now. I hope they do do that. Well, if you go to Mount Rushmore, would you do me a big brass robbing? Oh, yes, I will. That would be a task, wouldn't it? It's the sort of thing Annika Rice would have done in the glorious. Yeah, do me a brass robbing of Mount Rushmore.

Absolutely fantastic. Alfred Hitchcock, monocle wearer, late arrival. Is that right? Unless it's just someone texting Alfred Hitchcock, in which case it's the wrong number, mate. Well, what else could that be? What else have we asked this morning? We've asked questions about Mr Peanut.

That can't be what Mr Peanut attaches his monocle to, Alfred Hitchcock. They had to walk in very, very slow procession together. To that music. They did spend a lot of time together. They did. They did, to be fair. Getting to the bottom of it now.

To be fair, they did spend quite a lot of time together. So, well, it's been an interesting morning you'll agree um anyway thank you so much for listening uh this week and if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week toodaloo the frank skinner show on absolute radio back saturday morning from eight tune in live for the full frank experience absolute radio