The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Tiny Du Monde

Episode Date: July 13, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to see the cricket World Cup semi-final and has a desperate plea. The team also discuss Barbra Streisand's A-List dogs and singing in public.

Comedy legend Frank Skinner is back on stage with his first stand-up show in four years. I think a man of my age saying my girlfriend is sort of on a level with a man of my age saying my skateboard. Live in London this June, at the Edinburgh Festival in August, and touring across the country this autumn. It's what I would call an Elton John joke. It's a little bit funny. Book tickets now at frankskinnerlive.com This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and, indeed, Instagram, at Frank on the radio. Or you can email us for the old schoolers. Mm-hm.

That's S-K-O-O. Morning, Peter. Morning. Morning, everyone. Morning, Jim. Morning, Peter. Stephen Emmett has got in touch. Steve, oh I like to call him.

Via Twitter to say it was a year ago today that, can you finish that sentence Frank Skinner? It's a year ago today, let me see, July the, what's the date, 14th is it? 13th. Yeah. It was, I think it's the anniversary of Live Aid. No. I think it is. One year.

It's a year ago today. It's a year since the last anniversary of Live Aid. Oh, I see. That Frank Skinner, David Baddiel and the Lightning Seeds returned to the top of the UK chart with three Lions, keeping George Ezra's shotgun, sorry Buzz, off the number one spot for once.

Wow. There you go. That's your anniversary, darling. How lovely. Yeah, happy anniversary to you and David. Thank you so much. That's well spotted. It's nice that you forgot it as well.

I've had an anniversary this week that my wife and I both forgot. I got a text message on Friday morning, I think, saying, by the way, I think it was our 10th wedding anniversary yesterday. Oh, wow. But that's

alright. In a way, that's a greater expression of love, to both forget it. Oh, yeah. We don't really mark these things, as you can probably guess from that anecdote. I mean, with the price of cards. Yeah, exactly. And the admin.

Just you have to go and get it, and the pen, and oh, it's too much. And for what reason? Yeah. I'll tell you why. Because I remember me and Kath made a pact. Kath is my partner, if you're a new reader. And readers is my partner if you're a new reader and readers are listeners if you're a new. And anyway, I'll try somewhere else. That's my advice. And we decided not to buy presents anymore. Mainly because Kath would give me presents

and say, oh God god i've had an absolute nightmare getting these it's been honestly it's been i've been so stressed and i thought well i've got to relieve this i found it stressful she was one of those um when you open the present she got that that one first and all that so it was the present art directors. But when we stopped doing the presents, I said, the thing is, I don't need an excuse to buy you a present, you know, birthday or whatever. If I see someone I want to get you,

I'll just get you. Anyone ever got her anything for about three years? So now we've kind of gone back. Not we haven't officially gone back, but we've gone back. I would recommend against it as a decision, the no presents thing. But, you know, we're all different. Any other advice?

I would recommend against it anyone who knows me, FYI. Okay. Okay? We're all gods chilling. Don't forget that. What else? Well, we had an email during the week about a thing that we discussed last week,

songs that make you laugh. Oh, yeah. We were discussing you sometimes just chuckle at the... No, what was Frank's one? The Freddie Mercury... Queen song, wasn't it? Oh, it's a kind of magic. That's right. For some reason. And I had Tainted Love, Soft Cell. I just found humorous. I mean,

we went everywhere from there on in. I think we had a bit of Neil Diamond chucked in, didn't we? That was you. Can we just state, though, just a point of order here, it's not sort of funny old lyrics or anything. No, it's just something about the spirit of the thing. It's sort of unintentionally comic. Well, our email from Bob...

Can I say disco is almost exclu... I mean, it's so funny. The whole disco phenomenon is utterly hilarious. It always seems like people are pumping their arms and knees as they're singing in tremendous enthusiasm.

I mean, yes sir, I can boogie. Come on. Imagine calling a song that with a straight face. Well, Bob has emailed with one that I had forgotten that makes me laugh every time. Frank Allen DME, last week you were discussing songs that make you laugh. For my money, this conversation is not complete

without mentioning Minnie Ripperton and Loving You. I always imagine her partner smiling sweetly with a tear in his eye as he listens to her sing about how much she adores him and then a look of sheer horror as she lets out that demonic scream at the end of the chorus. Terrifying. There's some

super technical thing to that. Oh, the high C, isn't it? Yeah, it's Mariah High C. But it's a sort of alto tenor, false, I mean, it's,

yeah, it's a weird sound. It doesn't sound like it came out of a hooman. It looks like she's... Bob Cairns thinks he then jumps into a cab to never be seen again. Well, it's like how

she's expressing her love and then suddenly sees an apparition at the window. The trouble is, I think he's jumped into a cab to go and get more wine glasses because everyone in the house has gone. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have had someone who's come over from New Zealand for two things,

the Cricket World Cup and Frank's show. Right. Paul from Christchurch genuinely has. I'm guessing that the Cricket World Cup is number one in that list and then there is a mighty expanse. Well he says I hope the final is as awesome as Frank was

but with the right result. Frank is on tour currently by the way. Cheers Paul. P.S. How does Frank not trip over the mic cord? Strange. Well, I've been doing it for 32 years. Yeah. You do that thing when you just flick it out the window. I've never, ever fell over the mic cord, actually.

Does that feel like Anthony Hopkins being asked, how do you remember all those lines? No, I think it's somewhat of a relief. I don't favour those, what do they call them, the mics with just that little stubby bit sticking out the end? They're just called mics now. I don't like those. I like a cable.

I asked, when I interviewed Roger Daltrey for Absolute, I asked him how he coped with those radio mics, because his thing used to be swinging the mic round. What did he say, Daltrey? He said, I won't have them. Did he?

Frank Spencer! It's a very fine line, right, Daltrey? I think that was a fine impression. We've had another message, Al, from one of our Birmingham's. Have we? Hello! Emily Frank and Alan, long time reader, first time emailer, hoping to catch

the Friday night draw. He did, Al. He made it. Average show, praise redacted, obviously. We met Frank outside Edgbaston on Thursday for what was a great day. Edgbaston, I should say, is a gay club in the

South East London. Owned by The Edge. I had a brilliant time. Ex-bastard, I should say, is a gay club in south-east London. Owned by the Edge. I had a brilliant time. Frank was suitably pleasant and posed for pics. Resplendent in flowery shirt. He was ever the gentleman whilst trying to sneak into the ground. I had a ticket. Oh, yeah.

OK, calm down, dear. My question is, do mum's brothers, old friends and current partner... Well, I don't know about current. I mean, I think she's for life now. I refer to her as my current partner. As well as potential mother-in-law and associated in-law siblings, call you Chris or Frank. I'm genuinely interested. Well, this is based...

Alex from Birmingham, sorry. This is based on the fact that my birth name is Christopher Collins. Well, it's actually R. Graham, but anyway. Well, Christopher Graham Collins, if you want to go into the fine detail. But there's almost no one left. As you can imagine,

a lot of the people I grew up with are no longer with us. That's just the girlfriends. Yeah, exactly. So, not many people. And the people from my modern life who use it

I think are trying to claim territory they don't have rights to. Is that right? That's funny. Does some... Oh, Keith calls you R. Graham, doesn't he? No. Does that work? He calls me bro, usually. Does he?

Yeah, exactly. Oh, it's very cool there, Keith. But that... Yes, I was at the... I've got to tell you, I know you guys don't like cricket, but it was honestly one of the most blissful days of my life.

Was it? Oh, the white heat of joy. Really? Yeah, which, you know, get in life, because everything's sort of tempered by, you know, anxiety and what about, but a sport. Reality, yeah. What happened, Frank? Did we do well?

Basically, we not only beat Australia in the World Cup final, but we destroyed them. Oh, lovely. Oh, is that why the news kept sort of crowing about it? I know, but we're all right. Who was the best player? Oh, that's a big question. Sorry, that's a hospital pass.

There's a bloke called Chris Wokes who was man of the match. OK, lovely. That's an official thing. A bloke called Chris Wokes. Can't believe I said that. On the way to the ground, I have to do this away from the mic, I was driving on my own

and every now and again I'd go, World Cup semi-final! Just in the car. I don't know if anyone, you know, pedestrians and stuff. On the way to it. On the way to it. Because if people hear you shouting that,

they start running to Wembley. Yes, exactly. That's the problem. Yeah, I should have said, open brackets, cricket! Those brackets! I just didn't. It was no time for parentheses.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Nugget has been in touch, Frank. Nugar. Nugar, who sent me a birthday card for last week. Thank you, Nougat. That's nice. You'll think me callous, but a song which has always made me chuckle

is Tell Laura I Love Her by Ray Peterson. The song is truly tragic and ought not to lead one to laugh, but the plaintive way it's sung never fails to make me lol. Yes. OK. Yeah, it's about somebody dying in an automobile accident. But so is Leader of the Pack, and that's hilarious. There was a lot of...

Well, that was a motorbike. Yeah. Still counts. Is that one about Teen Angel? Yeah. Just sweet 16 and now you're gone. They've taken you away. I'll never taste those lips again.

They buried you today i mean anyone just waking up sorry sorry yeah um there was a lot they called them death discs didn't they they were a whole thing in the 50s all right that sounds good i might be well i have to google that i don't know if good's all right oh by the way that guy for me i mean i might like them oh you might I don't know if good's the right... Oh, by the way, that guy... Not for me. I mean, I might like them. Oh, you might. Apparently, R. Keith refers to you often as R. Graham.

A friend of his who goes fishing with him has got in touch. OK. He loves fishing. Yeah, he goes with his friend Zep. He's got in touch, yeah. The guy who met me, I had the photo outside of Edgbaston. There was a strange tail end to that story

because they have big video screens at the cricket nowadays and they have a thing, Shot of the Day, which I think is normally some fabulous shot, you know, Jason Roy's straight six off Stephen Smith's bowling, for example. Jason Roy's straight six off Stephen Smith's bowling for example but the shot of the day that went up at Edgbaston was me and this bloke

it's a photo that this bloke took oh so the shot of the day has become like a still photograph so it's just me and him oh I'm not sure it was up a bit too long as well I think I might start telling my hair again. I started

to go through all that. Was it like one of those courtside proposals? Yeah, it was an element. At this point, the crowd was singing Cricket's Coming Home, so it was all going a little bit straight. I'd have enjoyed that. I was like Cricket. It got quite good alliteration.

Which Football's Coming Home doesn't have. Did you see any of the quacks? We talked about them last week, I believe. What does that mean? The cricket wives and girlfriends. I didn't. I wasn't in that. I was in a very blokey bit.

I was reminded. I'm always worried when people say that. I had Betty Boothroyd say at a speech once. I'm reminded of the story. I was very early on when I started going out with Kath. She said to me, have you done a sketch

ever in which you play a deaf person or do you do a joke about being deaf? I said, no. And she said, people come up to you and go, Freckles! And I said, no, I think it, people come up to you and go, for a guy! And I said, no, I think it's exuberance.

And I had a bloke come over for a photo at the end. I mean, we'd just won the, you know, we'd just won the World Cup semi-final. It was exciting. And he'd come over for a photo and he put his arm around me

and he was saying to me, what about this? I mean, literally, a centimetre from my ear. On the way home, I just felt numb all down the side of my face. I don't know how you can cope with that. That would honestly do my head in. And slightly drunk by osmosis. Which is dangerous.

Could you use that as an excuse if the police pulled me over? I was shouted at by a drunk man. Yeah. And I think the spores have sent me over. I was shouted at by a drunk man. Yeah, and I think the spores have sent me over the legal driving limit. I think it would be a test case for British law. It wasn't a test, they say. It was an ODI.

Oh, very good. Cricket jokes here on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, they had... I was in the hospitality bit at Edgbaston and there was a curry for the between-innings meal. Nice. Now, that was someone, surely,

who thought it's going to be England-India. Because it looked, it really looked like it was going to be India-Edgbaston as a surprise result at the end. Someone has committed. Personally, if I was a catering thing and I thought there was going to be a lot of Indians, I wouldn't dare do Indian food

because people are going to think this is rubbish. But hey, it was nice. Mini poppadoms. She was there. I love her. I took some home for my Barbie and Ken romantic evening meal. Did you? Yeah.

Can you still get Ken? Is Ken still available? Ken is still available. I love a Barbie and Ken date night. That'd be great. I don't think they'd go for an Indian, though, would they, Barbie and Ken? Oh, yeah, they're very cosmopolitan.

Do they? Oh, yeah, they're very cosmopolitan. Do they? Oh, OK. I thought they'd be preparing a healthy meal from their home, you know, that sort of thing, rather than take away. They live in a motor home, don't they? Do they? Do they? Really?

What, trailer trash? Given Barbie and Ken a sinister tinge that I didn't expect them to get. No, I think they use it more as a sort of Winnebago. I think they have. It's not the horse box, is it, you think? Oh, no, I love the horse box. They don't pick up hitchhikers, do they? Wouldn't that be great if you came out and Barbie and Ken were...

I think they just take the motor home out for the, you know, just for a holiday. Oh, yeah. I don't think they're permanently in it. I've lost track. The only time I hear any Barbie news at all is when... It's a plow. Well, it's about once every

year a woman who's a human Barbie is in the paper. That's it. Yeah. That's it. And there's a human Ken on Big Brother. That's right. I think so. I think the Barbie doll's been reimagined anyway. Has it?

The proportions and the... Oh, has it? Yeah. I think she's been given a slightly less problematic update. What National Obesity Crisis Barbie can get now? I don't know if she's been remodelled in that fashion quite. Wouldn't that be good? I don't know if she's been remodelled in that fashion quite. Wouldn't that be good? I don't know.

I suppose. By the way, can I say about the cricket, and I don't need to think this is in any way an appeal, but I don't have a ticket for the final. It does sound like an appeal. Yeah, this is very much an appeal. Okay, it's an appeal. You're busy on Sunday.

You know what? Is this tomorrow, Frank? Yeah, but you're busy on Sunday you know what is this tomorrow Frank yeah but you know what the World Cup final open brackets cricket close brackets with England

it's happening get this I checked it 2.7 miles from my house I can't get it that is that would be weird

that's frustrating isn't it it's quite a weird stat to check it's because of Amsterdam do you know the old Billy Fury lyric? In an obsessive way, like when you've got an extra obsessed pipe. You know when Billy Fury said, so near

yet so far away. I think we can do this. I'm interested to know who you would go with. Like if just a random radio fan said, as it happens, I've got a spare, my mate can't go. Well, you've got to be careful it's not a kidnap plot.

Well, this is what I mean. I think you're all right, love. How much do you want to go to the cricket and who would you go along with? Do you want Frank in your cellar? Where's the tea? 8.15. 8.15. No one wants to get in the cellar, Frank.

That's the best place. No, I think I should be upstairs, shouldn't I? So that they'd be talking to you here. Oh, dear. So I think I'm going to end up... Actually, my partner and son are going for a lovely day out. Where are they off to? And I said, well, I won't be able to come

because I'll be at the World Cup final. And then I didn't get a ticket. Why won't someone let you down? I won't be able to come because I'm going to watch it on the telly. Has someone let you down? Someone else. Life. Life has let you down.

Two of us let me down. Celebrity. Someone help Frank. It's my uncle. I mean, it's not like I'm not going to find him. I'm going to sort this for you. Life. Life. It's the one that's letting me down. Celebrity. Someone help Frank. It's my uncle. I mean, it's not like I'm not going to find him. I'm going to sort this for you. Anyway. I know people.

I can sort this. I know no one. I've realised that. Emily's friends with a few touts. You know, my years... I used to know a tout. Yeah, I'm sure you did. Lovely man, but on an FCE.

My years of Gittishness have finally come back. Come back to haunt me, let's face it. I don't want him coming. Been moaning about... No, be a night. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. So, yes, as I said,

my partner and my son are going for a lovely day out. Can I justify... I can obviously justify not going. Yeah. Because I was at the World Cup final. Can I justify, I can obviously justify not going. Yeah. Because I was at the World Cup final. Can I justify watching it on the telly? Yeah. Worst reasons you've given for missing a family holiday, 8, 12, 15?

I don't like you very much. Yeah, I think that's a big reason, which is not just going to be work for the holidays. That's going to be tricky. And not relevant, can I say, in your case. Thank you so much, darling. I seem to just go along and spoil it. Is that a...

Am I picking the wrong plan? That's another method that you can use. I'm present, but I'm grumpy and I spoil it. Can I ask you a question? Sure. I suppose this is a question mainly to Al. Okay. Unless you've ever worn...

Have you ever worn, Emily, evening... Where is this going? Sort of evening suit, you know, black tie. Terrifying, isn't it? Oh, no, the last time I wore that was when I played Jeeves in a production of Jeeves Takes Charge. OK. When I was about 12.

So over to you, Al. Excellent reference point. Yeah. And I did. And I did. North London schools version, Jeeves Takes Heroin. Anyway, I wore one the other week. You know, I went to a black tie event.

It was Glyndebourne. Was it? And I, you know when I said to you whenever I take money out of a cash pipe, I have to walk away singing, da-da-da-da, got cash. Or if it is brass in pocket. I believe the word is brass.

Brass, you're right. Brass. Brass. We're goingass in pocket, yeah. I believe the word is brass. Brass, you're right. Brass. Brass. Brass. Brass. We're going to do this all morning. I cannot look in the mirror with the old black tie outfit on without saying, former UK coral champion, John Spencer.

I have to say that. And I think it's because the first time I wore one, that was, John Spencer was like a big snooker star, and that used to be the introduction. Former UK choral champion. And I still do it. Yes. Good.

My theory, do you remember John Spence? Sniffer, he was known as. Was he? No, I knew people like that. Yes. Congested. Michael Govner, of course, has taken up that moniker. That's how nicknames work, isn't it?

They stay in existence, but different people get them. Yeah, they're inherited. I don't want to open another random tab, but just briefly. Go on. Why not? Michael Gove, I worry about his hair. Oh, do you? I don't think it's going to last the course.

It's very thin. But not in a thinning way. Okay. It's high, but thinning. Do you see? No. What do you mean? I do have an investigation. It's very thin, but there's height to it. And that sort of hair really concerns me. Well, I think this is

always a worry for people who've whose success is based on their looks. You know, him, Kate Moss, I mean, always a worry for people who've whose success is based on their looks um you know him kate moss i mean it's it's a very anxious uh anxious business all around but he's all right isn't he he's dodged a bullet hey yeah why not get it now it's easier not being the leader isn't Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's better being at the back of the class making jokes than it is being the person who's got to do the teaching. Absolutely. Yeah, you'll be all right.

You'll be all right for listening, Covey. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. He's intrinsically funny. That's him it's a kind of magic and Rags to Riches by Elvis Presley

all intrinsically comic you were talking earlier you sometimes reference this on the show your brass in pocket habit Frank Skinner. Yes. So, yeah, when I leave a cash point, I do sing that.

I've noticed I have a similar thing, which is if someone has been rude in any way, in a very British way, obviously we won't confront them about it, but behind their back, and when I'm saying rude, I'm not saying a friend, but just in a daily sort of admin way, I found myself occasionally, you know the David Cameron clip?

I think we discussed it on this show. He leaves Downing Street and he says, Thank you very much. I found myself saying, Thank you very much in his manner and a little hum. I did it once and I thought, oh, I was remembering the, in his manner, and a little hum. I did it once and I thought, oh, I was remembering the clip and I did it to amuse myself and now I think it'll just burn itself into my subconscious

and that's what I'm going to start doing. Thank you very much. Weren't people at the time trying to decode the song that he was humming because they thought it was indicative of some message to people? Wagner or something. I think they identified it as Brian Eno's The King's Lead Hat. Did they actually? Yeah, which was an interesting choice.

I'll tell you something, and I think this, I worry that this is a sign of ageing. I sing now in public, I've noticed, quite a lot, even if I'm on my own do you? I think it's one of the first things to go you do sing a lot anyway I know but I used to not sing

just in the street where do you do it? I literally walk down the street going Blue Bayou by Roy Orbison quite a lot oh ok how do people respond? well I don't going Blue Bayou by Rye Orbison quite a lot. Really? Oh, OK. How do people respond? Well, because I never know if they recognise me

or if they're just staring because, you know, a bloke's singing. I suppose there is that. How people would have responded to you telling us that in the 70s. First thing that came into my head, men in white coats. Exactly. I remember what people would say. And the phrase funny farm. Yeah, I was actually got a gap in my new shirt. But those phrases could slot into very easy. Just going to write that down. You guys carry on. Yeah, exactly. So I did an interview on Radio 2,

and I got there, and this young fellow said, could you do a video thing for our website? You know, everybody wants a video thing for their website. And I started singing, Martha, my dear, though I spend my days in conversation. And he said, oh, you like the White Album? And I said, I kind of like the White Album. I said, But I realise now I'm singing that because you look a bit like John Lennon.

And that has just come into me subliminally. And that is happening more and more. Oh, really? Remember I told you I had lunch? So it's sort of a lack of control over your impulses, maybe. But, you know, better music than we. That's what I always say. Or Iyer.

Or Iyer. I do worry that if it happens when you see somebody that looks a bit like John Lennon, when you see me, you think, oh, I'll start singing Weird Al Yankovic because I'm a big weird al. No, you're... Or am I too normal?

Can I say, can I say... I'd sing God Only Knows if I saw you. Would you? Beach Boys in there, Handsome Period. Oh, I'll take that. Do you think music,

wee and ire would be a good name for an earth, wind and fire tribute band? It's worth having on the back burner. I remember I told you I had lunch with Eric Clapton and I came back from the toilet going, diddle-a-ddle-a-ddle-a-ddle,

and he said, don't do that. No, that is awful that you did that. He actually asked me not to do it. Good to have a rule. Yeah, that's it. I was in an NHS waiting room recently at a hospital and they had a string quartet playing in there. Oh.

Part of the bring music to the... And I've never seen people look less happy about having music in their presence. People really looked like they were being oppressed. Yeah, that sounds like a bad booking. Oh, that's a pity. It was a lovely idea. Yeah.

But, oh, man. If there'd been someone in there going, you, what are you doing? It would have been a similar facial expression. Still, keep at it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, a lovely thing happened this morning. Ah, yeah?

Well, it was lovely for Alan and I. No, don't panic, everyone. It's strictly platonic. Frank spent some four minutes... Frank Spencer. He'd be in trouble. Frank spent some, I'm going to say four minutes, Al. Oh, at least.

Opening a DHL package. Yeah. And he did it very sort of lovingly and with a certain amount of excitement. When I say DHL, it wasn't DH Lawrence. No. With people thinking I had like a load of novels awry. Lady Chatterley's he was trying to get rid of in the black market.

Glad you've still made that common confusion Yeah everyone's thinking Oh I wonder what was in his D.H. Lawrence Frank still is not aware It's a bit like when he didn't realise BHS had gone under He still thinks Lady Chatterley's lover is banned I remember the blurb

I don't know if it's still on there The blurb on D.H. Lawrence novels, you know the bit where they give you a little biog of the author? And I think he died when he was about 42 or something. He's one of the TB guys. Oh, was he? Charming. It said,

Lawrence spent most of his 40 years living. And I thought, that's weird. Yeah? You do, don't you? Lawrence spent most of his 40 years living. Oh, yeah. And I thought, it's weird. Yeah? You do, don't you? Mm. I spent, oh, it's all of my time. Yeah.

Doing that. Anyway, carry on. I'm doing it now. So, Frank opened the package. Yes. And perhaps you'd like to share what came out. Well, in it, there was a gift for you and a gift for me and absolutely zilch-er for F Skinner.

It took him a while to acknowledge this. He said, oh, look, I've got this. It was a lots-a-hugs bear from Toy Story, which I mentioned was my favourite Toy Story character last week. And Al? And a Buzz Lightyear that does the karate chopping motion, although I had to adjust his hand because, as Frank said, it looked like he was waving.

Yeah. But once you turn his hand to sort of the knife edge facing, it becomes a legit karate chop. He had a look of the Chinese cat of fortune. Yes. He's had that kind of move. Very much so. And the pinemo, I believe it's called.

Is it? Darren Garnham, who sent you the original buzz, he was responsible for these very generous gifts. Yes, so Darren sent me a Buzz Lightyear last week, which I must say is brilliant. From Thinkway Toys. Has been a big hit. He says, Dear Frank, DME and the Cockerel,

I'm not expecting any promotion or anything else from this letter and package. Yeah, isn't it though? Yeah. Fair enough. It could start. Otherwise, people would never have heard of Toy Story. Dara and I have always been told by my mother, Mary Bridget Garnham, is the Irish spelling.

This is, however, clearly a lie, as it would then be Dara or Daya. I blame Liebfrau Milch, which I recall was a flowing family favourite in the 70s. Yeah, because it's Darren with a D-A-R-R-I-N. I mentioned this last week, so I was clearing that up. Liebfrau milk. On the toy front, I'm not... Hold on a minute. Is my German wrong?

Liebfrau milk. Is Liebfrau milk... Oh, hang on. Love wife milk. Oh, I think it is. How disgusting. Not sure about that. Might as well call it beer goggles.

How absolutely disgusting. There's lots of things you might as well call it beer goggles. How absolutely disgusting. There's lots of things about it, I'll call it, but let's not go into it. Love Wife Milk. Who on earth thought that was a good title? What's on the label? It's lasted, though, hasn't it? It has lasted.

More than most people's loves for anyone. All right, all right, all right. OK, everyone's had a drink. Darren says... Yeah, but I had some Love Wife milk. And it's gone straight to my head. Oh, we can't leave it. It wasn't me, don't blame me, blame Germany.

It's been set off. Anyway. On the toy front, I'm not on the production line. That's not me saying that, by the way. That's Darren again. These guys by the way. Is this Darren again? These guys are the heroes of the industry. I have the pleasure of selling the toys made all over the world. Think Tom Hanks in Big.

We think... I do often. So he works for Thinkway, who make toys for Pixar Disney. Oh, wow. Okay? As a dad of three boys, clearly the best job in the world. Well, a bit, they think so. Okay, thank you, Darren. I love my lot, so.

Yeah, very happy. Thank you, Darren. And I can tell, Darren, that the buzz Lightyearie gave me, you can talk to it. Can you? So my buzz, my son buzz, says to it something like, there's someone coming, and he says thank you, and he falls over and

lies on the floor, inanimate object, the way they do in... Oh, cool. And then Buzz says, it's okay, they've gone. And Buzz Lightyear says, okay, can you help me back up, buddy? I mean, it's pretty good. It's nice that if you're out, him and Alexa can just have a chat

while you're keeping each other company. I hadn't thought of that. Yeah. Oh, I don't want anything going on. I don't want them getting sleazy. Come on, Pundit. Wake up, come back, Alexa and all tangled up. All tangled up with light, yeah.

Covered in love, wife milk. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 442 has texted I'm assuming a big football fan it's it's beloved ladies milk in reference to the Virgin Mary okay Caroline I will sort leave for our

milkment sweet mother's milk there you go well you're not far off Frank Oh, OK. Caroline, I also leave for our milkment sweet mother's milk. There you go. Well, you're not far off, Frank. No. That's what you say, love wife's milk. I think of a... A frau isn't really a mother, though, is it? Isn't a frau a wife?

No. Oh, I see. Isn't it mutter? Anyway, this is not... We're not here for a German language workshop. I've always been impressed by your German speaking. Actually, that's why I am here. Where do they hold it here?

It's been a long time. I signed up for the show purely for a German workshop. It's like that back that came over for the Cricket World Cup and my comedy show. Do you speak a smattering of schoolboy German, Frank? You're very good at German. Well, I did. we did German at our school because we went to what was called a technical school in those days,

which was a secondary modern for people who they thought might be things like foreman. I should be back, though. They sound brilliant. So they taught us German because they thought that was going to be more of a job for language for trade. Well, they always have this fashion, don't they? So they're teaching everyone is learning Mandarin now.

Mandarin, yeah. That's cool at the moment. But although a friend of mine said to me, oh, it's a bit like when they taught everyone Russian and that never came to anything. In the 80s, everyone was learning Russian. Yeah. Which I think would be a very cool language to anything. Back in the 80s, everyone was learning Russian. Yeah. Which I think would be a very cool language to learn. I thought they were going to win the Cold War. I don't know how useful it was for trade, just FYI.

All the Mandarin enthusiasts. I mean, you know, good luck with it. But German and French is always handy. Yeah, my son does say Mandarin. Does he? Oh, now I feel bad. Or is it Satsuma? He's does say Moundery. Does he? Oh, now I feel bad. Or is it Satsuma? He's learning it in segments, isn't he?

He is. Come on! I was reminded, I was telling someone the other night. I was reminded of the story. I was reminded of that. I was reminded, well, I like that I've begun that like Brian Blessed

because it was a story about buzz. And I was telling, I'm afraid there's going to be some name dropping involved, but, you know, I'm amongst friends. Frank Skinner, in fact, and Alan Conkrin. I was telling Jonathan Ross about how your son, Frank, had said when he did a performance, could everyone please take your phones out and take pictures? And Jonathan did say, I don't know where he gets it from.

Oh, exactly. Yes. The opposite of the usual theatrical announcement. It's a slight worry, but I think he'll be all right. Yes. That would have been a neat little niche job for someone all those announcements about phones that they

play in theatres before don't play them do they play them in cinemas oh there's a little video isn't there but the best one is one that sounds like a phone going off if you heard that and then someone comes in. I think there's...

Ian McKellen does one. Oh, really? He does one. And there's a theatre... Please turn off your mobile phone. Yeah, it's like that. There's some productions, especially in theatres,

where they... One of the actors came on and did a sort of... a mutual ceremony at the beginning and said, we all have to power off our phones now together. Really? Because they were getting upset, which happens a lot,

is people just put it on the owl mode, as I call it, airplane mode. Oh, airplane. And that sometimes torch can go off or the light still comes on. Or Siri. Or Siri. Siri comes on on an airplane. I've had Siri come on when the phone's been... Fully off.

Oh, I just don't know anymore. I'm not going to stick to that. There's 100 people that say you're talking rubbish. This whole link has been... Fully off. Oh, I just don't know anymore. I'm not going to stick to that. There's a hundred people that say you're talking rubbish. This whole link has just... I've got another pronunciation question. Why does it upset you?

No, it hasn't really. 204, morning all, sorry to bother you, but how do you pronounce Billy J-O-E-L? Billy Joel. I've recently had a dispute

which needs settling. Well, can I say... Well, we're not going to settle this. My mother used to say Billy Joel. This differs. That's how I say. No, but that's... Oh, you do.

I do. That's what Americans call him, Billy Joel. I think that's what people from the 70s call him. Well, I was a child of the 70s. And I call him Billy Joel. Oh, thanks. Me too. I got Joel.

I think that's the American version. Not in my name, pal. It's the Glasgow version as well No it wasn't Let's just call Shall we just call him the piano man? That's what he was known as In the middle of the night

Come on Billy I never much cared for him I'll be straight with you Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio I'm actually the motoring correspondent on this show Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I'm actually the motoring correspondent on this show,

but I would like to muscle in on Emily Dean's territory as diva correspondent. The Vauxhall diva. OK, the staff were laughing rather too loudly there. Yeah, I noticed that. Oh, did you? I noticed the staff. I feel like a high-profile diva story has crossed my path this week, and that is that Barbara Streisand... Streisand.

Streisand. I know, I just... We've talked about her on the show before. And Barbara with only... There's an I missing, isn't there? Correct. I can't say her name without thinking of that is it Daft Punk song where it goes

Barbara Streisand I don't know it oh it's good I find myself thinking of Barbara Streisand when you say her name yeah it's weird isn't it how different we are I know this is a bit politically incorrect but I used to have a massive crush

can you still have a crush on people I don't think crushes are politically incorrect. We're allowed, aren't we? I don't know. I think male, female crushes. It's going to be very difficult to iron that tendency. I think voiced by the female side of it, you're all right. Just say you're talking about Bobby.

If interrogated, go Bobby. Bobby. Crush. Okay. All right. Anyway, she did a London gig there was a period round about the Ryan O'Neill

double acting it was what's up doc and the main event very beautiful stunning woman lovely proportions yes lovely proportions

oh well let's not go into the well I'm allowed to okay I'm giving the permission thank you very much but it's something that's not often said about her. It's all about the voice. Stunner.

The voice. Absolute stunner. Yeah. She did a little London gig. A little London gig. On Wednesday or Thursday this week. She did Hyde Park.

OK. And there's a news story that she flew her three dogs 10,000 miles for them to watch her perform in London. Where do they live, her dogs? I imagine they live with her in the US of it.

I like the idea they live elsewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're estranged. They're not really her dogs. They've fallen out. What, Miss Violet, Miss Scarlet and Miss Fanny? People don't... Stop it.

No, people don't... Everyone, too much information. Let's just be grown-ups now. Come on. Frank. Come on, guys. Miss Fanny, leave it. The story is that she flew them over to watch her show,

but that's not what she did. I don't like your tone, okay? What? But she didn't do that, did she? She flew them over because she wanted their company, presumably. Right, can I tell you what happened? Okay. Okay?

Please do. Because there's one thing I know about. It's Barbara Streisand and her three cotons de toulouse. Bless you. Miss Scarlet, Miss Violet and Miss Fanny. Right. Miss Scarlet and Miss Violet, just FYI, are clones of Samantha, you may recall, her dog who sadly passed away.

Yeah, yeah. Something which I don't think actually exists. Well... What cloning? Just in case you thought this story couldn't be... Hwang Woo-suk is the doctor that did it. Hwang Woo-suk is a South Korean doctor. Hwang Woo-suk?

Yeah. Look, God bless Hwang Woo-suk, a South Korean doctor. Hwang Woo-suk? Look, God bless Hwang Woo-suk, but I would not be surprised... I always said that even before I knew about him. Oh, do you think he's just done a trick on her? I think someone takes in their dead corgi and then he just goes and buys another corgi. Oh, do you know, I never thought Hwang Woo-suk could be dodgy. The mark-up on dog cloning when you do it like that is incredible.

It's a hundred grand, a dog. It's a lot. I mean, why don't they clone humans but they clone dogs? Because dogs basically all look the same breed. Whereas humans, much more complicated. No, you're right. You're right. I've got a T-shirt with a picture of a whippet on it that looks exactly like my own whippet.

Exactly. I think the Chesterwickippet would be my dog because he's so weird. There's not another one alive like him. But I could buy you... I dare you. I could go online and get a T-shirt that's got a dog that looks enough like your dog

for you to accept it as a clone. Yeah. Never. Well, I do... You know, she was taking it round in a pram. That was the other thing. Well, I've heard that I've got

I've got an eccentric neighbour that used to carry her dog around in a pram but it didn't make her Barbara Streisand I want to do that because I like the idea

of someone leaning in going oh how I want that and then being and then a hairy Ewok face being bitten in the face remember I told you recently I went on a walk,

and when we got to the end of the walk, there was a cafe, and we went in, there was a woman who not only had a dog in a pram, but she was feeding it ice cream with a spoon. Imagine that. I know, I'd want to mark that spoon. Who'd do that? I hope that was boiled. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I hope that was boiled. May I just quickly do a correction, eh? Sure. Because we have a policy of correcting ourselves if we've got stuff wrong, don't we, on this show? 484 has texted, Duck sauce, not daft punk. I think the Barbra Streisand dance tune I was referencing is Duck Sauce.

My bad, as they say. They do say that, I understand. Yeah, well, I've said it there. So, Barbara Streisand and her... Do-do-do! And her Coton de Toulouse. Yes. She, the sort of part of this story

that seemed to send it viral this week Was the fact that the dogs had prams The fact that the dogs had What's funny about that please? Even I do find that quite funny The fact that the dogs had a dedicated VIP escort Assigned to them To accompany them backstage

It's a nice job for somebody there. Not a bad job. I mean, you could have called. Although, imagine if one of them got killed. Then you've got to go and tell Barbara Streisand. An animal died on my watch. Is that true? Oh, man.

I was house-sitting for my friends Jane and Jonathan and Dave the iguana, I'm afraid, ended his days. Oh, dear. I was absolutely mortified. I got the vet. I said, please, can you speak to them just so they know? There was some osteoporosis, I believe. It wasn't strangled.

No. I mean, people are still worried about Michael Jackson's doctor. Yeah. Well, he had osteoporosis, I'm just saying. I'm sticking to that, and the vet has supported me. But do you think if the iguana had been a clone, they would have been less upset, because it's just a clone, isn't it?

Well, I don't know if you can say just a clone. I mean, if Barbara Streisand, if one of the dogs was to go, she'd go, well, it's all right, I've got the original blueprint thing. I'm guessing she's got the DNA. You don't. Yeah, yeah. I know how it works.

A lot of photos used to come with negatives. You know the KFC recipes in like five files in a bank vault? Oh, they're buried with the colonel. No, no, they're in a bank vault thing. And there's three in one place and like two in somewhere else. So you can never...

Oh, right. No. Yeah, I imagine that's what the dog's DNA is. Overrating your product. Well, speak for yourself. I always do, dear. Hard to overrate KMC, I would say. And I'm sure Barbara Streisand's dogs would agree with me,

if they could speak. I believe they probably can. So, anyway, it's the fact that they have the VIP dedicated escort backstage. They were apparently given the run of the place backstage. Again, fair enough to me. Did they run? I believe their accommodation had a bed with steps for them to get up it. Yeah, they had steps. I mean, I've got that.

Have you? Yeah, I've got steps for rake. I've seen Ryan bought me a pair of sheepskin steps for rake to climb up to the bed. I knew there'd be tension in the room when we discussed this because me and Al occasionally looking at each other and, what? I just thought, oh, I don't

know if we should talk about this. I'm not sure how much I can ridicule this story anymore. Well, this is the problem. I think it's good to, in most radio shows, if they talked about this story, they would pile in. They wouldn't have a person saying, well, actually, I've got sheepskin bed steps for my dog. They don't have that kind of backup.

Frank's Cale Skinner on Absolute Radio. My dog? They don't have that kind of backup. We're talking about Barbara Streisand and her three Cotten de Toulouse. You're going to keep saying that? Yeah, I might say it all the time. Let's call them her dogs. No, I'm sticking with COTs. Cotten de Toulouse. Okay.

CDTs. They're a new one on me. Can I say that? Are they? Oh, how sweet. Never heard of that breed before. They're a lovely breed. Madagascan.

Are they? Well, they weren't in the cartoon. No. Another glaring oversight in the cartoon. They could have been. Row 17 in the I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. Good point.

They're fairly recent. Yeah, I think so. Okay. I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. Good point. You're fairly recent. Yeah, I think so. I like to move it, move it. Can you do the voice of a cartoon? Just always say no when he asks that question. Oh, no, I go the other way. When he, no. I love, can I say King Julian?

Mm-hmm. You know people go on about... Is this a character from Madagascar? Yeah, I think it is, yeah. You know how people go on about... Is this a character from Madagascar? Because I haven't seen it. You know how people go on about their favourite comics? They're always... If you talk to British comics, they're nearly always Americans, their favourite comics.

Who do people say? Who's the comic people most cite? If you ask a British comic, who's the trendiest person to name? Well, there's been some recent changes. Oh, yes, of course, of course. It's been a bit of trouble. Of course, thank you for reminding me.

But we know who we mean. But for me, the funniest comedian working today is King Julian from the Madagascar film. I find him absolutely hilarious. I laugh from his first appearance. Good reference. I just, oh, man. I'd say, if only I could do the voice.

Okay. Something of a late review as well. You could maybe do it at home or something. But there's a whole TV series with him as well, which is also really funny. Oh, I didn't know that. It's not one of those rubbish spin-offs. Oh, man.

The way he looks like he's got the trousers. What do you think of this? There's an interesting... Maurice! Oh, he's still talking about Madagascar. Interesting bit in the news story about Barbara Streisand and her dogs, that they made a brief appearance on stage,

but Babs admitted that they weren't into show business. No. Have we got any studies on what dogs are understanding about human life? Have they got the ability to differentiate between show business and other socialising of humans? My dog has. He knows who to suck up to. Really?

You know what? I'm not sure that I have. My dog knows. I've trained him. If the dogs are there, are they really thinking, oh yeah, this is show business? Maybe they don't like it. I imagine it's a bit like having to lock them up on bonfire night. Right. Because it's lots of, you know,

loud music and lights and stuff. Mommy's shouting again, they're probably thinking. Yeah. But are they thinking, oh, that's her agent there. This is show business. Earlier on we were on the plane here. I've taken Ray to parties and he doesn't enjoy it.

Here's a question for you on what they think and what they don't think. If they're cloned, do you have to house-train them again or is that already inbuilt? That would be great, wouldn't it? I think, sadly, I mean, we could try and get Hwang Woo-suk on the phone, but I think there was some sort of lawsuit going on. I think he's been in prison for a while anyway. Has he?

I believe so, yeah. Is it him, though? Yeah. He's actually gone scot-free. He's cloned one to go in prison, that'd be handy. It's almost as if there's some controversy surrounding the work he does. But yeah, I think the point is,

yeah, well, you're right, Frank, because even Suck himself acknowledges that you're not always, you're not always, that's his name. All right. I'm sorry. You're not always going to get the same result. No.

Depending on the dog. Sometimes it might just be it looks like that breed, but not exactly like the specific dog. That can happen apparently sometimes in the cloning. Sometimes they've got a different collar on and everything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah.

But I... So you do have to house-train them again. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's my old... You know my old thing that used to nag at me when I had a dog

is that if it... You know, he used to dream on the sofa. Oh, yeah. Boop! Boop! Boop! I love it when they do that, Frank. And these eyes would roll.

It'd be like all completely white eyes, terrifying anyway, I always used to think if he's dreaming that I'm attacking him hitting him with a stick or just kicking him round the house might he wake up can he think I've had a terrible dream

or does he just think that was life and he's able to go for my throat in defence? Yeah. That used to plague me. 8, 12, 15. Bringing it on Absolute Radio. Ian Angle, one of our regulars, has texted, I wonder if Barbara feels guilty about her dog's carbon paw prints.

I would suggest that, yeah, she actually has quite a lot of attack tweets about Donald Trump on climate change. OK. But yet she does fly three cloned dogs. But was it a private jet? In a private jet, yeah, I think. Was it a private jet?

And also... That's a bit extravagant. If you're an environmentalist, probably cloned dogs are not the dogs to get because I imagine there must be some energy cost to cloning a dog rather than just getting a dog. It's polluted. One thing we're not short of is dogs, is it?

We don't need to make dogs do we how dare you we don't because dogs will make dogs do you know what i mean humans don't need to yeah they will yeah you get unless you throw a bucket of water off yeah exactly that was the standard there was two things dogs um having the physicals bucket of water dogs fighting broom handle yeah that was those were the two things my dog's never done either of those things can i say my dog is physicals, bucket of water, dogs fighting, broom handle. Yeah. Those were the two things. My dog's never done either of those things. Can I say, my dog is very asexual.

He's never made overtures towards another being. And I love him for that. Awkward, a bit awkward. A little bit awkward. Did your dog go on the A march? What was that? The LGBTQA. Okay. No, I don't know that. It's the A march for the LGBTQA? OK. No, I don't know that.

It is. Anyway. God, you know lots of stuff. Thanks. I mean, like, modern stuff. Modern stuff? Everything I know sort of ends somewhere in mid-19th century. I was going to say, you know Samuel Johnson, darling?

Yeah, I know, but he wasn't. It's useful. It's a different world. OK. Samuel Johnson, darling. Yeah, I know, but he wasn't. It's useful. It's a different world. Okay. I had my first ever dog, Tiny, where I was with me most of my childhood. And what was Tiny again? That wasn't a staffie, was it?

Well, he was a cocktail of various breeds. Lovely. Right. And he, I was going to say, can you still say mongrel? I don't know. I believe the phrase now is mixed breed. But you're in good company because Lee Mack called it mongrel.

He was mixed breed. And you know what? We never, ever bought him a tin of dog food all the time we had him. He lived on what fell off our plates or we threw to him. Yeah. He never, we used to put him out for the whole day just put him out the house and off he'd go what do you mean put him out just put him out the door and he'd come back in the front door we just put him out into the street and he'd come back at night you know

frank lived in a cartoon comic strip as a child yeah he used to bark to the butchers? Yeah. He used to bark outside the butchers. The butchers said to him, you want to feed your dog? He barks outside my shop all day. And also, we had him, I think, about 15 years, Tiny, and we never had a lead for him. I love this.

Because we never took him for a walk. He was out. He'd self-walk him, wouldn't he? Sometimes he wouldn't come back in the evening. He'd stay out for more than 24 hours. So when he come back, his hair was slightly different, slightly raised, like he'd gone to a dark world

and come back again. We never really knew what that was. Right. That happened. He probably just lived like a full adventure, like on Secret Life of Pets or something. I like that his hair was slightly raised. Yeah, it was. It looked different. He looked more wild.

It's like when someone's been having an affair and they come back and you're like, you look different, where have you been? Yeah, well, I don't know whether it was an affair or a fight or what it was, but he would come back different. He'd seen things that a mixed breed ain't supposed to see. I never saw anyone carrying a dog until I moved to London.

You know when people carry dogs? Yeah. You carry your dog. Imagine that. Yeah, I'd never seen that unless, you know, they were taking it out the road. I'd never... I think it talks back to those halcyon days.

Well, it was a weird... Like a much-missed time when you just let your dog out into the streets and made it sleep on a cold floor. But they used to walk. That was what I thought they did. What's your podcast called? Walking the Dog.

There you go. There's the clue. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Gandhi. Gandhi G, as I call him. David or Mahatma? Mahatma. Good question, though. Trying to get, as I call him. David or Mahatma? Mahatma. Good question, though.

Trying to get the filter on straight away. Said the greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Did he? Oh, lovely. I don't know what he'd have meant of the dog pram. Do you think? Would he have thought that as good?

He said this thing is... He said some other stuff he probably wouldn't quote on commercial radio, though, didn't he? Also, I like the fact that Frank thinks the... I don't know what Gandhi said. The let them out in the street to fend for themselves is infinitely preferable treatment. It was the way then, in those days.

Yes, a lot of things were the way then. They got through it. I mean, whatever happened to the whole... They got through it. What happened to the concert? They got through it. What happened to the concert? They got through it. What happened to the kennel? Do people still...

Kennel doesn't happen anymore. I mean, Snoopy on top of its kennel. Is there a more iconic... There's no kennel, love. So the dogs would do it. They'd sleep in a small wooden house in the garden, all weathers. Yes. But, you know, they were fine.

It does seem like a different time, because I can't remember the last time I heard about a real-life kennel. We'll probably get a farmer now saying, in real life, I've got a kennel. Yes, I'm sure they do exist. In fact, I had a cab driver recently who was a big fan of theirs. He had a lot of tattoos. Mm-hm.

So, yeah, but he said to me, he was expressing surprise that I let my dog inside as well. I can give you his number if you like. We always let them inside. I'm not saying... But they had to sleep out. OK. Right.

Tiny didn't even have a kennel. He had the world. Demand. Tiny demand. But where did he sleep, though, at nine? I don't know. You don't know? How can I know that?

He was out. Oh, sometimes he came back in. What do you mean he was out? When he came back, he was out. He was out with the lads. It wasn't like follow the bear. When he came... I mean, presumably, he was cold.

Well, you know, he had fur. That's the thing. He wasn't one of those Mexican bald dogs. Right, yeah, I've got to whip it. They've not got a lot of fur. They tremble at the best of times. They tremble just through nervousness. Your lucky would have been cold.

You're right. In fact, I thought about that. Lovely legs, lucky. Poor Angela Merkel has started trembling in public. She has. And it did remind me, we had a whippet, and that's the animal I most associate with. Which one was your whippet then, Frank? That was Cal.

Oh, Cal. He followed Tiny. I'm afraid he was, yeah, Shep took all the glory. It was Cal who slept at my side when the moon landed. Oh. I love that story. Or was it Tiny? I don't know. Okay. Happened. I love that story. Or was it tiny? I don't know.

Okay. It was a dog, anyway. That's how, why did we even name them, looking back? You're listening to Dogs I Have Known with Frank Skinner.

The only dog I ever remember seeing carried as a child was Spit the Dog. This one. Bob Carroll, geez. Bob Carroll, geez, yeah. And I think that was only carried

because it had bronchitis. Yeah. It had consumption or something, didn't it? Did it? Constant phlegm. Was it Victorian?

I was spitting all the time. Oh, yeah, it's an awful state, isn't it? Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We've had an email with Barbara Streisand,

Tale. Hi. Barbara Streisand played Hyde Park on Sunday and I thought you might like to know she paused the show. Paused? Very good. Oh, lovely.

Very good. She paused the show to drink, probably not, they put in brackets tea she paused the show to drink tea from an extravagant teapot

and then told her crowd to be as fabulous as the people our dogs think we are still love that mantra all the best Tom and then apparently

she spat the tea out and went god there's brown islands in this who's made that? I made that last bit up. Like the diva correspondent. Yeah, yeah.

I've been known to do. So run that by me again, that quote. Be as fabulous as the people our dogs think we are. There's a fame. It's by Mahatma Gandhi. Yeah, exactly. Marilyn Monroe. Audrey Hepburn.

This is who they all say it is, isn't it? Yeah, it's always the same five people online, isn't it? That things are attributed to, wrongly. Okay. The quote is, be the person your dog thinks you are. So the idea being that they're happy to see you every time. They think you're the sort of lord and master and just, you can do no wrong in their eyes.

Okay? I'm sure that's true of my dog's opinion of me. I don't like to assume the opinion of anyone who I'm giving free board and lodging. Also, if you were the person your dog thought you were, I mean, I'm very glad you're not. Yeah. Which is the man who chucks me out into the street

and throws me bacon rind. I think I'm the person that horses think I am. Weak, frightened, easily dominated and completely unworthy of respect. That's how I feel. But on the other hand, you're not utterly neurotic. Not utterly. No. I mean, as comedians go. I wouldn't say you were neurotic. Not utterly. No. No.

I mean, as comedians go. I wouldn't say you were neurotic at all, actually. That's not one of your thoughts. You think that's what a horse would think? I'm just thinking, you know, I've always said they're too neurotic for that large frame. You think horses are neurotic. It's dangerous to be neurotic and that big.

Yeah, I don't feel like they're... Spiteful, that's what they are. Spiteful? Very, very spiteful animal. I never feel like the humans that think they're... Spiteful, that's what they are. Spiteful? Very, very spiteful animal. I never feel like the humans that think they're in charge of them are actually in charge of them. I always think the horse is in charge. I always think about that about the prison warders.

Goodness, that escalated. Yeah, that escalated quickly. We were on one road. What a nice little A road. Suddenly we're doing 100. Do you ride ride Al? do I ride? no did you?

no what horses? well no honks bicycles motorcycles no but I've ridden a horse

I've been on a horse like three four times how did you how did you find that experience? well I found it okay because I've read a lot

of Dick Francis. I was a natural to it. Oh, okay. You think you couldn't get... Yeah, I learned by osmosis through reading novels. You're a bit slim because they like a sturdy thigh. Oh, do they? That's better to be a bit more Maradona, I think, in the thigh area.

Well, you're right. I mean, you'd have to hike up those stirrups. There's a phrase I would use for that. What worries me about Maradona is how you're going to get that riding hat on that hair. Maradona gets on a horse like... I mean, he's not going to fit that hair. It's all going to be exploding out of the helmet. I don't think he'd need a riding hat.

I think he'd be fully protected. It's got like a bear skin. As it was. Also, I imagine he would hover about six inches above the horse. Exuberance? Charisma. Yeah, exuberance. That's the word. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, we've been talking about Babs this morning. Babs Dryston. Yeah. Obviously, I'm very much in support of her attitude towards her dogs, which comes as no surprise to you. And the environment, yeah? Yeah.

No. Oh, shut up. I'm talking about dogs here, man. All right, fair enough. They must poo in the... That's quite easy. I think we could get along. They poo in the pram?

No. No, I think they probably poo in the backstage area, but she's, you know... Well, they poo from the backstage area. That's a good name for it. I like that. Could you clone a human being? Would that be...? I think they're working on it, but I don't think they've managed it yet.

Okay. Well, possibly. You see, I can see what Frank's thinking is... Keeping you posted here on Absolute Radio. That's right. Yes, there are issues with it. I mean, you're right. They hide behind the idea of it being amoral.

But perhaps it is because the whole cloning thing is a lie, Frank. Yeah, it could be that. Maybe. All made up. Anyway, this is from Tom. I've just put the same collar on a dog of the same breed. Yeah. Put it out.

I imagine when they do the cloning, I imagine you sit in the room and it comes through dry ice like they used to on... Stars in the sky. Stars in their eyes, yeah. It just comes out through that. I'm imagining more of a... This is your life moment with the big red book.

This is your life with new written in red ink. Crossed out. And yes, it is interesting because they always say, whenever you hear anyone involved in cloning interviewed, and indeed Barbara Streisand herself has said this, the thing is, you know, they have different eye colours and their personalities are different. You start to think there are so many caveats.

You think, well, why are they the same? You have to outshine them again. Yeah. Serve yourself 100 grand and just get a dog dog. They behave totally differently. Yes, it's suspicious. It is. Anyway, Tom has been in touch to say

Barbara Streisand played Tide Park on Sunday. And I thought you might like to know she paused the show to drink. Oh, we've just read this one. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I thought I was having an aneurysm. I thought, Tom, I'm so sorry.

We just had a long discussion. I know, Tom, you've had two outings on this show. People have been phoning up saying the same link's been played out twice. I'm so sorry. Oh, come on. I think I have to hand over to you. I've made a terrible error. Just briefly before we jump to the...

We've had an email. Our cat has a kennel. He occasionally gets in to be fed and sleep, but at night he's booted out the door and uses his kennel. It works a treat. No cat flap required. How do they know it uses it? He goes in there... Yeah, How do they know it uses it? It goes in there.

Yeah, how do they know? It goes in there during the day, I think, a bit. But at night, don't they roam? Do they still have... I like the expression roam. Well, they used to have this thing. They're saying that if a dog's in your garden, you can complain about it.

But cats, do you remember this phrase? It bandied about a lot when I was a kid. Cats have what they called roving commission. Oh. Which meant they could go anywhere and you couldn't, there was no legal comeback if there was a cat in your garden. I believe that if you... I've dated people like that.

If you swerve as a driver to avoid a dog, I think the dog owner is legally responsible for the dog's behaviour, but the same rule doesn't apply to a cat. Well, I was told that if you... And I don't want to end the show on a low note, but if you... I do. If you eat a dog and kill it, you have to report it to the police. If you eat a cat and kill it...

For God's sake. Can I just say... Excuse me. I don't know if that's still true, but that's what it was. I'm not saying it's right, I just say excuse me I don't know if that's still true but that's what it was I'm not saying it's right I'm not saying it's wrong

Ian from Kenilworth actually I'm saying it's wrong Kenilworth perfect he grew up in Chelmsley Wood that doesn't work

in Birmingham in the 70s okay okay but let's stick with Kenilworth we had a lassie style collie called Laddie, probably spelt wrong.

We used to let him out all day and he'd flip the letterbox with his nose when he was ready to come in. Birmingham in the 70s. That's good. They've got the nose for it, though. Of course. I mean, they...

The collie? Sharp. Sharp nose. Not sure how I feel about cats being in kennels. I just don't know anything anymore. No, it's... What's happened? The world's upside down now.

What's happened? Cats in kennels? I know, I know. It's serious. No one ever said we should... We want to be the people our cats think we are. Selfish narcissists. Vermin.

Anyway, thank you for listening to us and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week post-World Cup final. Okay, get out.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Okay, get out