The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Toothless

Episode Date: September 22, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Emily hosts the show this week with Alun Cochrane and Gareth Richards. The trio discuss Kylie Jenner's cereal lie, Helena Bonham Carter's unusual role preparation and Alun's lunchbox.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is the Frank Skinner Show. This week our Supreme Leader is otherwise... Is that okay, Supreme Leader? He's otherwise engaged now. That was the official statement from the TV channel. I'm here, I'm Emily Dean, London's shortest sidekick. I'm joined by the ever marvellous Alan Cochran and the fabulous Gareth Richards. Good morning. Good morning, boys. Oh, we should do the business. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Can I say how I feel this morning?

Sitting. Feelings. I'm not getting emotional, don't worry. It's all about feelings, isn't it, these days? Go on. Well, it's more what my view is with you two. OK, yeah. I feel a bit like when the two sort of youngish dads come to the school playground gates and everyone's got a bit of a crush on them. Oh, that's nice.

I'll take youngish, but at 43 I don't think I'm a youngish dad. Well... I think 43, you don't look 43. Better, better. Let's not get on to people's ages. But I feel a bit like... Then the mums get girlish. And they get a little bit...

They do. They say, oh, hello, lovey, meaning to talk to you about drop-offs? They have a little flirt they do, they say oh Alan I've been meaning to talk to you about drop offs they have a little flirt with you I reckon, that's ok I take my kids to a northern school, drop offs in the playground is a quite uncouth

euphemism anyway, continue I've got something I need to discuss with you before we kick off this morning. Right. It's something that's caused me immense embarrassment. Brilliant.

I thought you might say that. Good stuff. OK, I had an incident this week that was so horrifically embarrassing. Oh, excellent. I haven't even... Pull up my chair. Gather by the fireside? Yes.

I haven't even been able to share it with some of the people that were there that evening. So this is breaking news for them. That's how hideous it was. Breaking embarrassment news. Okay. So buckle up, everyone. So I went to my friend's gig this week. You're familiar with the comedian, Catherine Ryan?

Oh, yes. Yeah? Funny. Excellent. Very funny. Very funny lady. She's a funny lady. That's what they would have said in the 70s. That's what they said Very funny. Very funny lady. She's a funny lady. That's what they would have said in the 70s.

That's what they said about women. Very funny lady. Great lady. Brilliant show. It's called Glitter Room, can I say. It was on at the Garrett. Catherine is, she's a bit of a stone cold fox. I want to make an effort for her.

I got the prosthetics out and, you know, the heels. And I took two Gen Zers along. Are you familiar with the concept of the Gen Zer? Gen Zers. Young people. Yeah. Is it millennials? So when is Gen Z?

I think you nailed it. Until he said millennials and then he spoiled it. Then he ruined it. But young people, if you just stayed with young people, I think you were all right. Gen Zers are basically, I would say, how old are you people? Yeah, oh, she says she's 26, okay.

I think Gen Zers are generally in their early 20s. So I'm with my goddaughter. So it's a subset of millennials. Yeah. Or is it after millennials? I don't know, a subset. I thought post-millennials was after millennials. Yeah, I think you're right.

There was a thing in the news this week about the classifications. What was that? Everyone should have to wear badges. You brought it along in your scrapbook. Well, they're young, okay? Yeah, gotcha. And I know they're young because they say things like savage. Oh, right.

You know, that's the word they all use now. Is it? Yeah, I'm going to try it out. Savage. That's right. You know, that's the word they all use now. Is it? Yeah, I'm going to try it out. Savage. That's good. Doesn't that sound good? That sounded like you were ordering some dogs on someone. Savage.

It sounded like Robbie had cheated on me. But yeah, so, they're a great companion, I find, because they don't get messy on the drink. The young people, the Gen Zs. No, they don't these days, these Gen Zers, because they've got their avocado smoothies. They don't do alcohol. Oh, really?

They don't drink cider anymore. Cider was the thing when I was young, I think. Cider and black, maybe? No. What was that? Oh, cider and black. Was that snakebite and black? That current cordial, really.

But they... Cider and black current cordial. That was Cordial, really. But they... Cider and Black Currant Cordial? That was a drink, yeah. Wow. Not one that I enjoyed. Too sweet. But it happened. Too sweet.

Also, I don't know if I approve. I mean, that's essentially Ribena and alcohol. Yeah. Which is a children's drink, surely. A trailblazer for the Alcopop, looking back on it. Whatever happened to the Alcopop? Still going, on it. Whatever happened to the Alco-Pop? Still going, I think. Is it? Can you still get it? I've had about five already today,

so... Oh, God. Early start for Alan Cochran. So, basically, we're at the theatre, I'm with the Gen Zers, I'm having a lovely time, and suddenly, I just felt

something odd in my mouth. OK, shall I leave him hanging? Yeah, I'm going to leave him hanging. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was talking before that. Oh, I was at a gig, wasn't I? You were at a gig.

I'd gone to chat and what had happened, Al? I think you left us on a cliffhanger where you had something in your mouth or something in your throat. Something unexpected that you weren't expecting to be in your mouth. Those are my kind of... Oh, I don't remember her articulating that because I was hoping that Emily was then going to discuss individual teeth using the dentist sort of index.

Well, I'm right here. I can tell you. So I'll tell you who else were performing that night, supporting Catherine. Is it the London Gay Men's Chorus? Oh, really? Yeah. Absolutely fabulous.

I can think of no better word to describe it. Absolutely fabulous. Yeah. I'm proud of no better word. Absolutely fabulous. Yeah. I'm proud of that. They sung I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair. That's what I want. It wasn't a very Donald Trump friendly evening, but I don't care. I enjoyed it.

So I feel this thing in my mouth. And you know what it was? I thought, I bet it's, I mean, I don't want to get too technical here, but I feel I'm amongst friends. I thought maybe it's a stray bit of that minstrel i had earlier you know it has the hard coating you know the hard coating on the top of the minstrel yeah so i thought i have some chewing gum i don't think there's a musical act opening for katherine but yet no the you mean the sweet i do so i had so I had the chewing gum and everything was okay or so I thought

about something odd suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder wouldn't you know it's the editor of cosmopolitan okay magazine I mean she's a stunning woman very elegant very glamorous yeah so it was unfortunate that it was her I ran into as I felt my tooth come out my tooth came out your tooth came out? yes right out

my tooth came out into a piece of chewing gum yeah it was in my mouth I could feel it oh my god whilst you're speaking to someone glamorous

whilst I'm speaking to the editor of Cosmopolitan my tooth came out in my mouth, I could feel it. Oh, my God. Whilst you're speaking to someone glamorous. Whilst I'm speaking to the editor of Cosmopolitan, my tooth came out of my mouth. It wasn't one right at the back. I mean, it was... It's a front one. Sort of medieval farmhand. Brilliant. Location-wise.

And did it have, like, a root? And you're holding it also. Yeah, yeah. Red, isn't it? Big, ugly root. Yeah. And to make matters even better, it was a crown, I think.

So there was a little silver cane on the end of it. Oh, okay. So I could feel my tooth in my mouth and I thought, as she was talking, I thought, I don't know what to do here. I don't know what to do. This is the editor of Cosmopolitan. Yeah.

I'm going to open my mouth and be like Shane McGowan. Well, can I say that? At least it went into your mouth, because the worst thing is when you give someone a big cheesy smile and then one of your teeth drops out. I know, this is true. So I thought, I know what I'm going to do. I need to remove the tooth from my mouth.

You could still style this out. You're still at the styling out. There's a possibility of styling out that your teeth are falling out. What do you think? It's quite hard. It's possible. Yeah, but the editor of Cosmopolitan.

Just swallow it like old chewing gum. Do you know how much crowns cost? No. They're expensive. Oh, I know how much real crowns cost. I wear them around the house all the time, but you mean dental crowns, so. I've just thought, what a great... You don't know it, Emily, do you? It could be actual crowns cost. I wear them around the house all the time, but you mean dental crowns. I've just thought,

what a great... You might know it, Emily, do you? It could be actual crowns. I'm just thinking what a great autobiography title. Do you know how much crowns cost? Frank? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. By the way, it is

the Frank Skinner show, but Frank's not here this morning. What were you going to say, Al? I was going to say, Emily Dean is doing a fine job of hosting the show, considering her... Completely toothless. Considering her toothless old hag.

It's a somewhat toothless performance. I mean, I'm not entirely toothless, but I'm showing you the gap, and it's significant. One came out mid-conversation with someone glamorous for anybody who's just joined. I mean, that's the worst thing that could happen. Like if you were speaking to some of the people I know that, you know, they've got gappy teeth. Comics, in other words.

Yeah, yeah. And the Northern. You know, it would be fine. But this glamorous lady that's cosmopolitan or something I don't mean she is cosmopolitan she probably is I know what you mean I mean I don't obviously I miss and love our supreme leader

but are we allowed to say supreme leader is that cultural appropriation from the North Koreans well he is actually our supreme leader what I would say though is if that happened in front of Frank Cultural appropriation from the North Koreans. Well, no, he is actually our Supreme Leader. What I would say, though, is if that happened in front of Frank, I don't think I'd feel shame. Oh, right, yeah.

I think Frank might think, oh, it's a Tuesday, your teeth fell out. Yeah. No offence, but editor of Cosmopolitan, it's a whole different ballgame. Yeah. So at this point, I'm thinking, what do I do? The tooth's in my mouth. I've got to speak. What am I going to do?

How am I going to ditch the tooth? Please do. Can I ask a question about your attire? Were you wearing anything with like a chest pocket? How dare you? Because that would have been handy, wouldn't it? Just spit it in there and carry on with your day. Well.

Deal with it later. I didn't spit it in there. Oh. But what I did do was pretend that I was spitting my gum into my hand. Oh. So I went... And you spat gum and tooth. I spat the tooth and the gum into the hand.

Very well done. So then I had the sticky gum-tooth combo in one hand. Yeah. I thought, I'm going to have to separate these two. They can't... These souls can't exist together. No, it'd harden and, yeah, it wouldn't be nice. Separated them. I think she noticed the cosmopolitan editor.

She didn't look me in the eye. She looked at me a bit strangely after that. Things weren't the same. I thought, I can go to the bathroom and sort this out. Mm-hmm. Just as I thought that, Roisin Connerty comes over. Are you familiar with Roisin Connerty?

Mm-hmm. Know her. Comedian. Very good comic and a lovely lady. Hi. Just as I thought that, Roisin Connerty comes over. Are you familiar with Roisin Connerty? No, I'm not. Comedian. Very good comic and a lovely lady. Hi. She says, Emily! Luckily, I'm on cheek-kissing terms with her, but I don't know her friend who extends her hand to shake it.

I've got gum in one, tooth in the other. Oh, no. So I sort of... Gum or tooth? You decide. I ended up punching her hand. Oh hand oh no you did a fist bump russian said emily do you do fist bumps now i said yeah see i'm so honest to compulsion i would have had to say i do but only when my tooth has just fallen out and i've had to separate it from a lump of gum at the theatre. But I've decided. It's a bit like, I did a gig this week and arrived and the person came to meet me and said,

how shall I get in the car to show you where it is? And it'd been a long journey and I'd had to break wind quite a lot of times. Oh, no. Oh, no, oh, please. So the young lady was like, shall I get in the car? And I was like, no. a long journey and I'd had to break wind quite a lot of times oh no oh please so the young lady was like

shall I get in the car and I was like no not yet no you can't get in the car so she was like oh ok

so she had to walk sorry I realised it afterwards and all because the gentleman couldn't control himself. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Could I just say, if there are any dentists listening this morning, I mean...

In the London area. Yeah, I do have a dentist. Come and knock on the door. She's lovely. But, I mean, I've got the crown. I've still got it. You got it? Well, I'm worried.

I mean, they're expensive. We were having a slight debate off air about what they do cost. Oh, yeah. So, you know, if you have any... How much is a crown? How much is a crown? Any members of the royal family? And can it get replaced?

Can it get put back in, the one that you had already? Let's hope so. Fingers crossed. I mean, I'd like to know that if there are any dental people. I don't know. When I host the show, I always do things like, how much does a crown cost? How much does it cost to build a wall?

It's always money-based. It is, yes. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe you're money mad. Have we had any outside world? I have an email that I liked from my Friday night troll where I looked through the ones that land on a Friday evening

and it's entitled Important Information. Sorry I'll have to interrupt. I feel we should have a jingle for your Friday night troll. But I don't have one, so I'm going to go with this. Because I like your troll. Important information. Hi all, can I ask you to not discuss anything important between 9 and 9.15 please?

I take my daughter to work on Broad Street and I lose signal between Five Ways and the Ladywood sign like a pied piper. I nearly missed out on tyre regs last week. That was when we were discussing the important topic of the day last week. Tire tread. Tire tread minimum depth. Yeah.

1.6 millimetres for anybody that missed last week and is wondering. Last week, but luckily, Emily recapped as a result of William the Brazilian. I think it was William. Yes, it was, yeah. She needs to be recapped this week. Oh, excellent work. Trayvon. I don't want to get a cap.

They're expensive. Is that what Simon... Oh, no, he has veneers, doesn't he? Does he? Yeah, he has veneers. I thought he walked one in. It's all veneers nowadays. What do you mean?

He looks great. I would love to look like that. So what do we think of this? The idea that our readership slash listenership I would love to look like that. So what do we think of this? The idea that our readership slash listenership are actually requesting us not to discuss anything important. I would have thought that's a message that didn't need sending. Nothing important between 9 and 9.15. Don't worry, love, you'll be fine.

We'll do the whole three hours. So we won't do the... So if the dentists who are going to send in the price of a crown, maybe don't do that between the hours of 9 and 9.15. Because we don't want to... I'm just itching. Can you hear? That's what Frank does. You know which gentleman mentioned Broad Street?

Lady. Oh, lady. Although it might be a gentleman. I happen to know that's in Birmingham, and that's the central thoroughfare, and it's one of my favourite streets. Okay, I'm just telling you that as a piece of information. It's good.

We went to see Frank Starr get put there. Is that where Frank Starr is? Yeah, Frank Starr is there, Broad Street. I hope he's still there. Maybe covered with vomit by now. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Well, you've lit up the switchboard with your how much does a crown cost and can one be reused

if you've got it in your handbag. I think Frank would be so proud of me. I think so. The work I'm doing this morning. 982 has suggested, Dear Emily, crowns in London are indeed expensive. They're generally a lot less out

in the wilds. I'm a private... Peace in the wilds. I'm a private dentist in Wolverhampton and we charge up to... I'm a private dancer. Up to about £550 depending on what type of crown you have. Emax crowns. I love a bit of detail.

It's awesome! I'm changing that to crazy prices. Emax crowns are beautiful and are all porcelain. I like the fact he loves his job, this person. Bondage crowns with a and are all porcelain. I like the fact he loves his job, this person. Bonded crowns with a metal core and porcelain covering are cheaper. Hope that helps.

Terry. Thanks, Terry. Do you know, I like the idea of having a dentist called Terry as well. How do you like the idea of having a dentist in Wolverhampton? I could live with that. Okay. Terry, book her in. Yeah.

Private dentist. When can you do? Hang on a second. What can you do? Hang on a second. I mean, that's, you know, I think it's worse than I feared, better than I hoped. Well, 295 dentist from Harpenden, Michael, he's quoted

you 50 to 250, so I mean, that's closer. 50 pounds? Yeah. 50 to 250. Crown costs vary hugely depending on the quality of the laboratory, but usually range from £50 to £250. So, frankly, Terry, you are mugging us off. Has he mugged us right off? He's mugged us right off.

Michael, would you mind texting again and just telling us whether or not you meant bonded crowns or Emax crowns? Because we know that... Also, Al... No us whether or not you meant bonded crowns or Emax crowns. Because we know that... Also, Al... No, I'm not kidding. I mean, I have to say, I am a bit worried. Was it Michael who suggested the £50 crown? £50 to £250 from Michael, yeah.

Okay, I've got concerns about the £50 too. Yes. Well, Terry says it's porcelain bonded crowns where Michael's are made of wood. Yeah, I mean, this is the thing. The wooden tooth, not practical. Is it, really? Babyish. Yeah, a bit babyish.

It is a bit. I just think the wooden tooth. I mean, I'd rather have the gap at the moment. Yeah, it's all right. The gap's not, I mean, it's not, like, visible. Gaps are very fashionable. I mean, traditionally, in the front, between the front two, not big ones at the side.

But you could bring that in, Em. Especially networking with the editor of Cosmopolitan. You might be surprised. It might be all Gaptooth, might be the new black. Do you know, ploughman chic is so hot right now. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Fancy myself a little bit of

Gareth Richards Corner What's going on over there? It's lovely to be here in the big city Good I got the train in Oh did you? We get cars, don't mention that, Al.

Embarrassing. I walked. Did you? Okay. It's just me that gets the car then, okay. Embarrassing. I've got some really good boots. Well, if you had, sorry, I was going to say people with teeth like me normally have to walk and have cars in our day. Continue. And I have a system

whereby, because at the train station, well, if you need to go to the bathroom at the train station, it will cost you. Oh, yeah. So I always try and use the train facilities just before getting in.

That is clever. Oh, okay. Yeah, so just like 10 minutes before arrival, I... When you say that, what, you go on the train? Oh, before you're arriving, you try and use the train facilities. Yes, yeah. Oh, yeah, but I... Rather than you go on the train? Oh, before you're arriving, you try and use the train for civility.

Yes, yeah. Rather than pay the full 20 pence at the station. Yeah. Waste not, one not, guys. Wait till you hear how much pumpkin lattes are in Manchester. £4.25, I believe they're going for. Scenes of chaos have broken out in this

studio while the music was on because the girls were discussing, the millennials, they were saying, pumpkin latte, £4. I can't believe it. I can't believe it, £4.25 in Manchester. It'd be cheaper to buy your own pumpkin, latte it, and then you'd spice it up. I know. It's an absolute outrage.

I remember when £4 a pint for lager came in and people were outraged. That's what the youth used to argue about. Now it's the pumpkin latte crisis. The great pumpkin latte crisis of 2018. Gareth, over to you in a regional train toilet. So I go to the first toilet on the train, down the carriage. Great call. Red, engaged.

So I have to go to the next one red engaged thanks for helpfully pointing out the color yeah you know the little color yes i know um and so i have to make my way back to the first one because i've run out of time now and as i'm going a lady gets up okay with a child okay a child who could walk like i, I mean, a toddler. Not a baby. Already I'm sensing you're leading the witness against her. And they move so slowly, this woman. And I was getting angry with how slowly they are moving.

Because I want to get to the toilet before the child. And as we arrive at the toilet, the door opens. A man comes out, lady with child said, oh, perfect timing, and goes into that toilet. Do you know what I thought? No, not perfect timing. Not perfect timing at all.

Worst possible timing for me in the whole world. Did you say anything? He soiled himself. He just soiled himself. Your tooth came out and then dot dot dot. I urinated all over those people. I'm wondering what my bit is going to be.

What's falling apart? I mean, Gareth and I have turned into characters depicted on the Bayer tapestry. What's wrong with us? You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday fromner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show, by the way. I'm Emily Dean. I'm with Alan Cochran and Gareth Richards. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. You can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Hi there, boys. I've been using the word...

We've used the word babyish a lot this morning. So I wonder if I should explain to our readers why I'm a fan of that particular word. It involves a bit of name-dropping, but name-dropping by proxy. It came when I encountered Mick Jagger's brother. Mick Jagger's brother? Yes, Chris Jagger.

Uh-huh. Shout-out to Chris. Shout-out to Chris if you're listening. Is he still with us? I don't know. I believe so. I was sort of very young. I was a graduate trainee at the Sunday Times.

Don't worry, this story isn't going down a dark place. No, I loved the story though. It was brilliant. We were doing an interview with him and Mick and I think we'd agreed to do it in the Q&A form as opposed to what's called in the trade a write-through. Oh, nice. A write-through

which is when the text isn't broken up. So it's sort of set out a bit like a script with the names and the colons and they're all just integrated as part of the article. You've got it in one, Gav. If it was you interviewing Alan, it would say G. Then it might say A. We suggested that, but Chris didn't want to do that.

He said, I don't like it. I said, oh, so why not? He said, it's just a bit babyish. Babyish? Yeah. I love babyish, though. Chris Jagger thinks the Q&A format is babyish, which is, you know, I can't argue with that. That's, well, a bit babyish this week, I think.

Kylie Jenner. Babyish. Kylie Jenner. It's kind of a parable for our times. Kylie Jenner, who is, is I believe is she part of the sort of keeping up with the Kardashians show Emily you need to slightly educate me

who is Kylie Jenner I can do that she's the half sister of Kim Kardashian I'm just writing this down Alan's drawing a family tree is this a fraction? Is this like one of those questions at school?

If you get a half and a three-quarter, second cousin twice removed. I feel like I'm doing one of those sort of learn English, learn Spanish, sorry. Half sister Kim Kardashian. So these are people who are documenting their lives in a number of ways, both on TV but also Instagram.

So she has... Very much in the public eye, aren't they? Yes, and she has a lively Instagram feed where she keeps everyone... Can we just please unpack... What is it? Can we please unpack that? There's a lot to unpack there. She has a lively Instagram feed.

Oh, I enjoyed that. Al, he's just described someone's Instagram feed as lively. That is good. I'm switching into my professional radio presenter mode. Tabloid voice. I know, but it's not a Highland fling for heaven's sake. It's not a wedding in the Trossachs.

Go on. So she's got a lively, when you say lively, do you mean largely naked? I mean, I think she's quite, no, actually, well,

it seems to be mostly food. Oh. Well, I didn't expect that. That I've seen so far on this. I'm sure there are saucy. Saucy? You think there's saucy pics? I don sure there are. That's what Instagram is for. Saucy.

You think there's saucy pics? I don't think so. Wasn't she a child star? Well, I don't think she had a choice in the matter. She's 21 now. 21. 21. Okay.

She's worth 900 million, we should say. What? Yeah. For 21? Yeah. God, that's better than I was doing. I probably don't need to tell you. Well, I'll tell you.

We're going to come back to this in a minute, but I'll tell you what she's got, a lively bank account. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We're talking about Kylie Jenner this morning, progeny of, what's her name, is it Kris Jenner, Daisy?

Asking the pumpkin latte correspondent. Yeah, so there is, I mean, there are many things going on in the world, but I think this is the foremost controversy this week, that she's been caught in a lie. She was. Because the thing with Instagram is people have access to evidence to check out your claims. She's not gone for job seekers allowance, has she? Because there's a lot of proof that she's got money on that Instagram feed.

She's not like those people who are caught dancing in Greek bars on a holiday. Oh, yeah. He's on disability benefits and he's gone on a pole dancing course. They're always on holiday, the nannas, aren't they? No, it's much more serious than that. She got caught in a new lie.

She said that she had tried she said last night I had cereal milk I had cereal with milk for the first time. Right. Life changing. Okay. So it's big news. She's claiming that at the age of 21 she had cereals with milk for the first time.

I think she's been listening to this show and she's heard us talking about how Michael Owen couldn't make a cup of tea until I think she's been listening to this show and she's heard us talking about how Michael Owen couldn't make a cup of tea until I think the last few months and she's thought, I'm having that. I like the way Gareth is referring to it as cereals, like at some

harvest festival. Do you remember? Whatever happened to harvest festival? Do you still get that? I think I'm still alive and well in the end. Do your children still have to, we used to have to, we never had anything. All I could ever bring, I used to have to bring, like, bottles of strange liqueurs. We didn't have food like that in the house.

This wine is well past its best. We've had it in the cellar for some time and it's gone over and so we think it should go to a good home. We genuinely brought Clarice and things to the Harvest Festival. We didn't know what it was. My parents didn't understand.

Anyway, as you were so, cereals. The problem with this is people trawled back through her feed and found that in 2013 she had posted a picture of bran flakes with strawberries and blueberries with milk. The prosecution rests, Your Honour.

You know what I'm going to... Please look at exhibit A. Well, you know... Bran flakes, milk, blueberries. Strawberries. Liar! Yakuza! Is it lying, though?

Well, I'll tell you what it is, Al. Lies make babies, you just cry. I'll tell you what it is. It is fake. Fake moves. Oh, come on, that's good. Fake moves. Yeah, I'm really happy with that. I like that.

Sounds like she's being helped. I would say, is this a lie? Come on. Let's be kind to the woman. Was she doing... So we should say the original picture looks... Some people have said it's yoghurt. Oh, maybe. Okay looks some people have said it's yogurt oh maybe okay some people have said she was just doing it for the gram oh you're familiar with that concept

gary right yeah yeah yes for instagram well that would be lying that was claiming that she is all right hyperbolizing like maybe trying to make her life seem more of note than it is by claiming she'd never had milk before. Which I think she thought would blow people's minds. See, I don't think that's lying so much as misremembering. Surely, like, if you've had cereal with milk five years ago and then you have cereal with milk again, I think you're entitled to go, yeah, it's my first time.

You're sort of rounding it up to the first time. No one has milk anymore. Don't they? Milk is a thing of the past. These young people have milk. I stayed with friends and there was the offer of oat drink. Oat drink? Disgusting. What's oat drink? Like a

white fluid made from oats. This is gross. In lieu of milk. I can't drink that with my toothless issues. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Kylie Jenner, Serial Gate? Yes. I didn't know that, Bill Gates child.

Can I give a shout out to the quite high number of texters that have gone for the serial offender pun? Yeah. Tony and Hitchin. I love our reading. Serial liar. Serial liar. Do you know what they're going to get for that?

There's a few. That's my approving fake news jingle. Yeah, so is she a liar? Well, she claimed, for recap, she claimed that she, well, she said, I always liked cereal dry.

I never bothered to put milk. See, that's the bit that I hate about her. Too much bother. I'm not bothered. I dislike people that have dry cereal and I'm including my own progeny in that. Wow. My kids don't always have milk and i just

think it's so weird weirdos yeah if you're gonna eat cereal which i don't think you should but if you are gonna i think you should have one part cereal to two parts maybe even three parts milk well floating in it yeah really cold milk. It should be majority milk. It's very raw, perhaps. I don't think the milk should lift the cereal off of the bottom of the bowl. I think it should just be up to... So there's still cereal above the water line depends on the density of the cereal that you've purchased. Any cereal experts...

I don't think it should be floating. Can I say something? I'm sorry, Alan. I'm not talking all of it. I have to say it... I don't think it should be floating. Can I say something? I'm sorry, Alan. I'm not talking all of it. I have to say it. I don't think it should be floating. But it should be covered. Two to one is two.

I'm sorry. Covered in milk. Yeah, they're bickering about cereal. I love it when you boys argue about cereal. I love it when we discuss ratios. Dry cereal, I'm with you on that it is a little bit i'll get a job sometime next year oh i mean i just worry decadent there's something about the man in the boxer shorts sat there eating cereal out of the packet i'm not a fan of that look i do think

i don't know i'm gonna try and defend her slightly here. No, good, do. I think it was... And me. Okay. I'm happy to. I think it might have been for the gram. I don't think she ever had that. In the original post of the serial that you're talking about, you're offering forth as evidence. Right. She says something like, he spoils me.

He looks after me. He looks after me. He keeps me healthy, to quote the exact word. Oh, okay. Wow. We forget that you're a fan of her lively feet. The forensic witness is in. So he said what?

He keeps me healthy. He keeps me healthy. Which I think if I was going to argue for her defence, this would be the crux of it. He keeps me healthy. All right, so he's made... Is she personalising the brand fakes? No, she's saying someone else has made that for her.

Yeah. So can I say, it is entirely possible, she took a picture of it and said, oh, isn't it nice, he keeps me healthy, he made me bran flakes with strawberry, and then she tipped the whole thing away. It's possible she never drank. There's no pictorial evidence of her eating the milk.

Do you know what I don't like? I don't like he keeps me healthy, because it feels like what she was trying to say is he keeps me regular. And I don't like that on a lively Instagram feed. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. So we're talking about Kylie... Give it a couple of years. We've been talking about Kylie Jenner

and whether or whether she didn't lie about having eaten cereal before. I mean, it's kind of a... It's quite an innocent lie in the grand scheme of things, Gareth, but you seem to feel it's... Yes, you could argue there's other things going on in the world with more import. Other lies that should be delved into. We've all told the food lie.

We've all told the food-based lie. Yeah. I might have gone to the bathroom in a drink once, in a glass once, and pretended to my babysitter, Mrs. Lion, it was apple juice. Oh, no. I did. Did she drink the apple juice? No, she wasn't an idiot. She said, I know was apple juice. Oh, no. I did. Did she drink the apple juice? No, she wasn't an idiot.

She said, I know what this is. Oh, did she? You said, no, it's apple juice. No, she knew full well what I was up to. That's a mean prank that you were going for. I know, I think I was a bit of a sociopath, looking back. Is it haunted? Yeah, because I am haunted

by the lies of my childhood oh yeah i find myself gone i am i once got very upset i got upset i used to get upset when i got told off at school and cry and it was too much and they were like people it was babyish and um the teacher would be like is there anything else going on that's why you're this upset? And then that gives you a reason to come up with something, doesn't it? Yeah, I hear it. Oh, I love the, is there anything else going on? Get out.

I hear that in school. Love it. I thought, and I might have said this on the show before, readers will, you know, look back at the feed. And I said yes. So is there anything else going on? And they go yes. My grandfather's died.

Now, I can't say that that was a full lie because he had died. Ten years earlier. Long before I was born. So what did they say? Well, they gave me the sympathy. They didn't ask for a time of death. That was their first mistake.

They didn't ask for paperwork. They just gave me the sympathy that went with that. If I was a primary school teacher, I would ask to see death certificates. Because I think that scam goes on a lot. The old grandparent switcheroo. I lied

a lot when I was a child. I lied. I said my dad was the film critic Barry Norman. Which was quite... And the reason I did it... Well, the reason I did it was because everyone would say, so what's your dad done then? I don't understand.

And they didn't understand because I'd have to say, well, he interviews poets and philosophers and weird people and prisoners, people in prisons, car thieves and prisoners. That was my fleet with Max. Quite wide-ranging interviews. Yeah, he just did weird, serious things. So I thought, you know know what someone finally asked me and I was so sick of their disappointed

response I just lied I said oh it's Barry Norman so he's not quite famous enough that I can get caught up but then of course they said why is he called Barry Norman and you're called Emily Dean and I said oh he changed his name

nice but we didn't take the name Norman and you're called Emily Dean. And I said, oh, he changed his name. Nice. But we didn't take the name. And to keep on the charade, you were constantly eating pickled onions. Well, do you know what? Lovely Barry Norman reference there. Was he eating pickled onions? He's got a brand of pickled onions.

He did have. I think he's no... Couldn't he have done that? He was a film critic. Can we check if he's with us? He's not still alive at 85. No, I said he had if he's with us? He's not still alive at 85. No, I said he had. Oh, did he?

He's not still alive at 85. I think the pickled onions are still around. I didn't know that he was a pickled onion guy. Well, I didn't know that he wasn't my father because I started to actually believe. I felt a bit... I know it's weird, but when I had watched film 79,

I had slight abandonment issues, to be honest with you. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a message in about your crown, Emily. 165 has texted. You should be glad you've not got to have an implant. My husband broke his front tooth. How dare you?

And had to have an implant. My husband broke his front tooth. How dare you? And had to have an implant. No change from £3,000. Shut up. I'm assuming that's a typo and they're meant to put a dot and say it was 30 quid, really. I don't know why I'm playing that. It's to indicate him being a pirate.

It's a dramatic amount. Yeah. That is... Yeah, it needs that level of drama, Hal. Yeah. 3K. Three grand. needs that level of drama, Hal. Yeah. 3K. Three grand. I haven't got that knocking around.

Also, Anoop has... On 550 has ploughed in and said, I'm also a dentist in Wolverhampton. I'm with Terry on this one. Buy cheap, buy twice. So he's saying go for the higher quote. I don't want to buy twice. I'm not quite Shane McGowan yet.

We should say he's had his teeth all done and they look absolutely lovely. Do they? Yeah, they really do. I'd say, I mean, they're first class those teeth. I should, we've been talking about lies this morning, haven't we? In honour and celebration of Kylie Jenner, who's

been lying about her Instagram. Misremembering as to whether she'd eaten cereal. I'm giving her the benefit of Kylie Jenner, who's been lying about her Instagram. Misremembering. Misremembering as to whether she'd eaten cereal. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. We should get people to text in. I don't think I should, really, because she is one of those monsters that eats dry cereal. Yeah, we don't like that. My gran...

My gran? ...once put marmalade on top of a Weetabix and ate it in front of me. Oh! I felt dehydrated just watching it. Shortly afterwards, she was putting her home. I don't think the two are unconnected. I love the ending to that story.

Poignant ending. I went a little bit Alan Bennett again, didn't I? Shortly afterwards, she was putting her home. And then a rather unsavoury character turned up with driving gloves. I've got driving gloves. I know, I know. I realised that as soon as I said it. Love them.

Can I say also, it would be nice for our readers to text in, wouldn't it? Sort of white lies. With their lies. Yeah. Text us in on 8, 12, 15. I mean, I'd like you to stick mainly to white lies. Childhood lies. Should we say that, do you think?

Yeah. Childhood lies is good. Babyish lies. Babyish lies. Babyish lies, great. I don't really do adult ones. You know, everybody says not what i've heard mate everyone says oh what lies do you use for being late or something i'm so lazy that i don't really tell lines like that i will just say to the person oh sorry i'm late i set off too late that's the level of or it could be that i've

just got so little imagination that i can't come up with anything else. Like, oh, yeah, I tripped up or whatever. Is that a thing that people do? Well, I don't know. I mean, bear in mind, I couldn't even tell the truth about a loose tooth floating around my mouth. But I do think there's something specific about the childhood lie, though.

Yeah. Because you're bad at it. Do you know what I mean? You haven't learnt the art of lying at that age. I had a friend, I went to her house, and the mum used to say to me, I wanted to show off that I was sophisticated and grown up. She'd ask about food.

As a child? Funny, that. You had weird wants there. Very strange. I wanted everyone to think I was very adult. So she would say, oh, what do you like? And I'd say, I love mushrooms. You know, other children like them. I'd say, I love mushrooms. Because I knew no other children liked them.

I'd say prawns, that's my favourite. Once she said, oh, do you like liver? Challenging me, throwing down the gauntlet. I said, I love liver. My mum cooks it for my birthday. So next, why did I add that on? Liars always, there's always too much information with a liar. They overcompensate by giving you extra information.

Wow, tell you what she gave me, extra liver. Oh no! When I went round there I gagged, I wrecked, my eyes watered. She knew I was a liar. But you got it down you. Oh, I got that down me. I needed to, yeah, I didn't want her to think I was a liar for heaven's sake.

Oh, that's disgusting. That's more disgusting than marmalade on a Weetabix. Do you know what? Liver is hot. It took me about 90 minutes to eat that piece of liver. We're talking about some lies we told when we were kids. And I'd like you to text in on 8-12-15. I mean, don't tell us if you lied to your wife about what was going on with that.

Babyish lies. Yeah, babyish lies. Babyish lies. I told everyone my father was Barry Norman. So that's how I rolled. I once... Gareth said, well, we should say in case anyone wasn't listening earlier, you said your

grandfather died. Yes, which he had, but before I was born. You never met him. I was, I think I was over it. So it's kind of like you being upset about Abraham Lincoln dying. Yeah. Isn't it, to be honest? I'm quite excited about getting old enough to be able to lie.

I think there's a sort of... Not just you then. I think there's a sort of... Not just you, then. I think there's a chapter of life, you know, plus 70 years old, where people can say stuff and no-one's going to challenge you on it because it's from so long ago. Like, my father-in-law just introduced the fact that he'd done boxing when he was a kid. And even his own children were like, hang on, you've never mentioned that he did boxing before.

I think there's something joyful about that. Yeah, and you're accusing him of lying. When I'm in my 70s and 80s, I'll, yeah. It's your father-in-law. I'm absolutely certain.

You're accusing your father-in-law of being a liar. I'm absolutely certain that it's made up. Wow. He might have walked past a boxing gym or tried on some gloves

or whatever. Yeah. But I don't believe that he did boxing. But, you know, when I'm an old man, He's going to knock your lights out. I I don't believe that he did boxing. But, you know, when I'm an old man, He's going to knock your lights out. I'm going to have been

a karate champion. Alan Cochran calling his father a liar on Absolute Radio this morning. Yeah. I think I'm looking forward to that chapter. I mean, I didn't challenge him on it

because I mainly thought, oh, I can't wait to be old enough for nobody to challenge the stuff I say. Well, I think you are challenging him on it now. Just doing it publicly. The only way to find out is I think. Well, I think you are challenging him on it now. I'm just doing it publicly. The only way to find out

is I think we should put on a boxing match between Alan and... It's fine, it's fine. He's an old man. I've worked the floor with him. Wow, with his boxing training, you might be surprised. He might not.

He might not look for that because it is... What music would he have on his way to the ring when you have lost to the Summer Wine? I'd love that. Father and son. Yeah, that'll be good. Sorry,

you were saying something, were you saying you had another lie? Well, worst thing I ever did. There was this kid in my class who I... The factually worst thing

you've ever done can be discussed on breakfast radio. That's pretty good. Is it worse than losing a tooth in front of the editor of Cosmopolitan?

The worst thing I'm going to come clean about that I'm not still currently lying about. I once put a drawing pin on a classmate's chair. Why did you do that? To cause him physical harm. To pierce his flesh

with a spike. Emily looks horrified. I feel about that. There's a cartoon aspect to it, isn't there? There is, yeah. Where it seems like, you know, it's a bit like putting a banana skin out. You're not aware of...

When you say banana skin, the drawing pin is potentially quite damaging. And I also fixed it in place with Blu-Tack as well. Brilliant. That's bad, isn't it? A hundred of them as well. This is where things are getting a little more dark. I'm disappointed. You're listening to

The Frank Skinner Podcast From Absolute Radio Want your Frank fix A little sooner Listen live Every Saturday From 8am On Absolute Radio

Across the UK On digital radio Mobile apps And in London And the South East On 105.8 FM Absolute Radio Oh it's the Frank Skinner show Yes that's right. Absolute Radio. Oh, it's the Frank Skinner show.

Yes, that's right. On Absolute Radio. I'm Emily Dean. I'm joined by Gareth Richards this morning. Hello. I'm joined by Alan Cochran this morning. What's up? He's sticking with that.

It's not going anywhere. Really? We've got a lot going on this morning. We've had text-ins about how much will my new replacement crown cost me we've had oh we're also talking about babyish lies so silly lies you told when you were a child um here's one i told i was living in australia that's not a lie by the way i did live in australia and neighbour, who is called Gwen, she didn't have children. Gwen! Gwen.

Shout out to Gwen. I think, I don't know if Gwen's still alive at 105. All right. But Gwen, by the way, can I just say I am allowed to do an Antipodean accent? I have the passport to prove it, OK? You do. If there's any concerns about that, I'm allowed. Gwen asked me, I was looking through in her garden and gwen asked me uh she

said do you grow any plants at school what do you grow at school i didn't know how to answer that because this was australia in the 70s it's a yes or no question emily we barely read at school australia in the 70s grow things are you kidding me own, maybe. What did you say? I didn't sort of understand. I didn't come from that sort of a family. I didn't understand people growing things and plants. So you know what I said? I said, yes,

we grow potatoes. And you know what she said to me? Don't lie. Oh no. She called me on it. Excellent. I could never spend time with her again so tell us if you have any lies similar to that yes i mentioned that i once put well i didn't get to the lying bit i put a drawing pin on a classmate's chair um which is on the psychopath test i believe um the problem was, he didn't sit on it,

but a boy in the next class actually sat on it. And I think it did puncture the skin. So I'd forgotten I'd done it. And then I was called into the teacher's office. I'm not surprised. I walked in. And she had the drawing pin on the blue tack on the end of her finger. Giving her a sort of Cruella de Vil vibe.

And pointing at me as if to accuse me with the very weapon I'd used. I like the idea of her doing the set up before you walked into the office. I'll just put this blue tack here. Yes, and to see how i reacted how did you i emptied my bowels no she said does this this mean anything to you let me think no i don't know. And I just lied. You stalled it out.

I stalled a lie. Good man. And to this day, I still feel bad about it. Do you? I'm sorry, Mrs. Shepherd. Mrs. Shepherd? I lied, yeah. She sounds a bit biblical, I wouldn't lie to her.

She had a difficult flock with you there, didn't she? Oh, wow. Yes. I love that word you're doing. Thanks very much. Any readers' lies? Have our readers been telling any lies? They strike me as quite an honest bunch.

431 has messaged, for whatever unknown reason, I thought it would be cool to tell my teacher at the age of seven that I didn't have a middle name, just to be different from the other kids in the class. To this day, my friends still think that's true. It's not. My middle name is Daniel.

I love... Sorry, I like the idea that you think you'll come across as some Kurt Cobain character because you don't have a middle name. The teacher's going to be at home thinking, phew, that's cool not having a middle name. The producer just revealed a lie that she told. She... It's not to do with...

It's something unprofessional, unfortunately. But she said that she took a... Was it a jumper, Daisy? Back to her shop. And when the woman refused, she said, it's for my sister. She's housebound. I mean, that's an extraordinary thing to say.

And I suspect it's the sort of lie that works, because it's vague, and it sounds vaguely medical, but it's non-specific. And didn't you say to me that it was your identical twin? It was like... I fancy going over to Cockrool Corner. Hot Dad Corner. I wish.

I wish. I'll tell you what, I'm 43, as I think we've already mentioned on the show, and I'm still making some fundamental, really obvious life mistakes. Like, I've made such a clichéd mistake this week that I can't quite believe... I went to do a massive food shop, you know, like... I'm glad you said food shop. No, it's not like Gareth's story.

I just thought it was going into Gareth's story. No, no, I went to do a massive food shop, you know, like a proper... We've got children, and so it was a food shop for... You don't do the Ocado delivery, no? Nah. Why not? Too dear.

What shop were you going to? I think this one was in a Tesco's, but I do move it around. I sometimes go to an Asda, depending on where I am that day. No, not price range, just where I am. Yeah, he does. But I went really hungry, which I think is one of the most obvious things. You know when people go, oh, you don't have to do a food shop hungry.

And so I'm in there and I'd exercised and then I'd gone straight to the food place. So I'm walking around, I got a terrible blood sugar crash. My wife had texted me with some stuff that she knows that we need off the kitchen board, you know when you write it up on the board. And so I've got a photograph of it i'm starving i'm just putting everything i'm just putting everything into i bought one of everything off every shelf in the hall of a giant supermarket all loads of carbs i mean my daughter has gone to pack lunches for school so i put so

many carbs in that it's just unseemly like the basket was full of bread I phoned my wife in a panic halfway through like a real basic bloke that can't do a food shop going I'm not sure I've got the right stuff I bought um it's very man in a tv ad that yeah and I hate being a basic bloke because I think I've got some level of pride and uh and I bought um oh this was another thing that I can't believe I bought. I bought sandwich boxes for myself. I bought actual... What's that then?

You know, like you take a packed lunch. No, I've never had a packed lunch. Oh, my God, I'll show you in a minute. Do you know, I don't think I've ever had a packed lunch. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, I must have. I've been given one by people. I'll show you my new sandwich box.

I've never made a packed lunch. You ever had lunch? I've become so boring about my packed lunches. I've been bringing food on the road with me and it's a compartmentalised little lunch box. It's great. It's really, really good. Okay.

I bought two different versions of that in the same food shop. I hadn't gone there for that. Yeah. I bought a big jar of coffee that was in a cardboard box because it came with a Nescafe presentation mug. That's what I bought a big jar of coffee that was in a cardboard box because it came with a Nescafe presentation mug. That's what I bought.

You've gone crazy. This guy's like Liberace. I saw it in one of those Middle Isles and I thought, well, I need a jar of coffee and I could do with a big mug since my Sport Direct one smashed. So I'll have that. And so far I've not had tea in it.

I've only had coffee because it feels wrong to drink tea out of a Nescafe branded mug how was that to do with you being hungry though? I was just panicked you were going to eat the mug no no it was panic I bought a

you know the food that is perishing and so they put yellow stickers on it I got a yellow all of that I got a reduced yeah I got all of that I ate the frozen stuff in the car before driving home

what was the perishable good that you bought? a chicken and ham pie reduced and I ate that frozen stuff in the car before driving home. What was the perishable good that you bought? A chicken and ham pie reduced, and I ate that in the car, covered in crumbs, drove home. Do you know what I like about this? Disgusted at myself. Is that you basically bought some coffee, a perishable good sandwich, and a plastic Tupperware box.

And to you, that was an Elton John's. Oh, no, I bought everything else in the shop as well. Did you? Yeah, I got a weird anxiety at the counter because I realised that I didn't have any bags. that was an Elton John's I bought everything else in the shop as well did you? I got a weird anxiety at the counter because I realised that I didn't have any bags I love that chocolate bar and I thought I'm going to have to pay for plastic bags

and she went oh we haven't got any of the cheap ones and I'm like oh god more money Gareth you know what happened there he so put all the items into his pocket he was carried away this is Frank Skinner put all the items into his pocket. And we've had some lies in. Have we?

226. Dear G, A and DME, I met my wife, when I met my wife, I told her my middle name was Maurice. Or maybe Morris. Morris. No, I told her my middle name was Maurice. Or maybe Morris. Morris. No, I like... I like...

I hope it's Maurice. Some people call him that. Well, that was... Yeah. And when we were signing the wedding register, she panicked and blurted out that they had missed off my middle name. I told her I didn't actually have one, to which she disappointingly told me that I shouldn't actually have one to which she

disappointingly told me that I shouldn't be lying already 22 years on we are still married that's good so good relationships can be built on lies that's the message of that

that's a great lie though pretending to be called Maurice do you go Maurice or Maurice? I mean I like it. And he enforced her. Maurice. I would go Maurice. Okay. But I'm a very plain

speaking individual. I try and avoid all that. I love that about you. You speak as you find. I'm a Maurice man. Okay. 7-8-1 I went for a run when staying in Bournemouth recently. Get you. Oh, yeah, I remember. Big while.

And it was really hot, so I ran in the sea for a quick swim to cool down. Then realised my car key was in my pocket. When the car wouldn't start, I had to call the AA. I couldn't admit my stupidity, so without thinking, I said a waiter had dropped a bottle of wine over my bag in a restaurant. Worst lie ever. So weird. That's from Bryony.

I mean, it was so specific. The waiter, the restaurant. And that's where she's... You've got to be careful with these lies because then you've got too much... There's too much data retention involved in that lie. Which restaurant? You've then got to commit that, haven't you, to your memory? Yeah, it's too much data retention involved in that lie. Which restaurant? You've then got to commit that, haven't you, to your memory?

Yeah, it's too much. And that happened in Bournemouth, where I live, of course. And I did actually hear about that. I was talk of the town. Big news in Bournemouth, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. That week. Not where I live, of course.

I just realised that we played a four-minute-long song and I didn't use that opportunity to show you my compartmentalised lunchbox. You heard. Oh, what a shame. Keep things nice, guys. Keep things nice. Honestly. What's it like?

You're going to show it to us in the next break. It's compartmentalised. I will show you it to you in the next song. I have something to look forward to. But this is a problem. Can you check it out first, please? I am so boring about this that I caught myself showing it to some people

that I worked with earlier this week. And they're all around. And they were really excited by it. They were going, oh, that's a good lunchbox, isn't it? And I was going, it's great. Look at this compartment and look at this. And then I realised, oh, these are people that are in the industry that I'm in. Perhaps I should be a bit more rock and roll and interesting rather than showing them my compartmentalised Systema lunchbox.

That's your shtick now. That's what people associate you with is a compartmentalised Systema lunchbox. That's your shtick now. That's what people associate you with, is a compartmentalised lunchbox. So are you going to show us your lunchbox? I can't believe I've just said that on Absolute Radio. It's not a euphemism. I'm so sorry. It is a literal lunchbox.

You led me towards it. We'll put a picture of it on the gram if you want. It's really grammable. We'll tell you all about Alan's lunchbox after the next song. Really grammable. We'll tell you about the compartments. Please help me. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I had a lovely surprise during that last musical interlude. Alan Cochran, what happened Gareth? He showed us his lunchbox. Oh, come on. Genuinely useful bit of kit. I'm really sorry about this.

Delighted to announce that it is pink with purple trim. It was... Come on. I'm sorry. Come on. It was a lovely lunchbox. My daughter has a white-blue one because we are not playing by society's rules.

No. Exactly. He was so proud of it, though. Take that, patriarchy. Actually, she got hers first, and I did suggest a swap society's rules. No. Exactly. He was so proud of it, though. Take that, patriarchy. Actually, she got hers first, and I did suggest a swap, but she said no. We put it on the socials, Al. Yeah, it's on social media if you want to see it.

It is pink with purple trim. It's great. And then, yeah. It looks pricey. Five quid. He was very excitable with all his food. I also got another one, a different lunchbox that has a top tray that has cutlery in it.

There's more. More lunchboxes. In that one, I put macaroni cheese that I'd made the other day and I took it with me to my gig and I ate it in my car. But how much can you get in there?

Oh, quite a substantial portion. Okay. So, um... Okay, Gareth. Big news this week. Helena Bonham Carter is to play Princess Margaret on The Crown,

new series of The Crown. I love The Crown. That aground, that's expensive. You do love The Crown. Yeah. She has, she's been fully researching

the role. Oh, I read about this. And deeper than you might think, ladies and gentlemen, she went to see a sidekick, sidekick. Ladies and gentlemen. Sidekick. Side gentlemen. She went to see a sidekick. Sidekick? Sidekick. Sidekick.

She went to see a sidekick. Robin. Yeah. A sidekick to go and talk to actual Princess Margaret from the other side and has been doing research that way, straight out of the horse's mouth. I think we should do this as a section of the show each week called

Mumbo Jumbo News now. You're not a Clairvoyant fan, Al? No. Okay. What about Eileen Drury? I prefer stuff like rationalism. I was going to say rations. That's Frank. He's not here this week. I don't like that. You know, I mentioned Eileen

Drury. I mean, younger, the Gen Z-er in the corner won't know Eileen Drury but she was I do I know exactly who you mean do you? well maybe you care to explain I should preface this

by saying Clive Silas who's one of our regulars has got in touch this morning and I enjoyed what he had to say oh yeah he said I love it when Divine Miss M hosts

because it's like absolute radio 90s without waiting an hour because I am quite 90s yeah well your reference to Eileen Drury absolute radio 90s without waiting an hour. Because I am quite 90s. Yeah, well, your reference to Eileen Drury... It's very 90s. Explain, please, Alan Cochran. Eileen Drury was the... Was she a psychic or a mysticist that Glenn Hoddle employed

to keep the morale up of the England squad? Didn't work. It did not work, no. It didn't even keep up Glenn Hoddle's personal morale, did it? He lost his job. She had what I call the psychic black hair colour. You know, they like to dye their hair that particular shade of black. Goth black.

Yeah. Anyway, so I don't know what or who her psychic is, but she seems to have... Did she say it's worked? Was she happy with it? Yes. Oh, yeah. The job they did?

The feedback is that Princess Margaret said she's doing a great job. Yeah. Which is good, because it would be awful if you were a sidekick and said, well, I'm sorry to say she's livid. Apparently Princess Margaret said you're doing a great job and Helena Bonham Carter said, how do you know? It's not even been TX'd yet. That's transmitted for anybody not in the biz.

And Princess Margaret's ghost, if you like, said, It's fine, I've seen the rushes. Some more, some more. Very specific. Well, also, yes, because the exact words, I think I read that she said, Princess Margaret gave very positive feedback. I didn't think spirits went for that sort of David Brent office speech much.

Re your proposal moving forward. I don't think ghosts talk like that. Hey, what do you think Princess Margaret's wearing? You know, Frank always talks about what the ghosts wear. What they're wearing on the other side. Is she in full ermine, do you think? Good question. What is Princess Margaret's ghost wearing?

I love that. We're talking about Princess Margaret on Absolute Radio this morning. Well, we're technically talking about Helena Bonham Carter, HBC, and how she has been causing a seance, if you like. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like causing a scene. Is it like causing a scene, yes. It was like causing a scene, but he did it with seance. Hashtag incredible seances.

Oh, I love that. I could do loads of them, really. Okay. 162, Jeff has texted excellent stuff on mumbo jumbo news. I think it's going to run and run. Do you think all the dead clairvoyants are in the ghost version of Judge Rinder

being sued by all the dead people they misquoted? It's possible. Sort of looking back at their Instagram feed. Do you know what? I don't want to get on the wrong side of anyone in the spirit of hell. On the wrong side? It's fine. On the wrong side?

It's fine. On the other side. I'm fine with it. Oh, I don't like ghosts when they're angry. I've had terrible problems with mine. You may wonder where Helen Bonacarta... Sorry, I had a stroke. Just stick with HBC.

HBC. Yeah. Where she found this psychic. It was okay. She was already around her house because she was having it de-ghosted yeah yeah she was

which I don't know any psychics but I'm guessing that they're a bit like builders where they hate that like suddenly an extra job being stuck onto the job

that they're quoted for you know like if you ask a builder oh can you do a garden wall and then when they're there you go actually could you do my front path as well?

They're like, oh, it's not in the quote. It's not in the quote, mate. Like, do you think the psychic then goes, no, no, no, the quote I gave you was purely for de-ghosting. It wasn't for speaking to, no, no, no, we're going to have to talk money. Well, do you know what, Al? I was at an exorcist, an exorcism once.

I'm sorry. No way. Well, it was my godmother's house. Oh, right. No, she lived next door. She was trying to get you to leave. Or she had her house exorcised. Oh.

Yeah. It was kind of, I mean, it was a standard exorcism, really. No prizes for guessing who I was in that. But yeah, we weren't allowed to be near because it's something to do with poltergeists right that's what they told us right i mean everyone's had that in their life when the medical staff step outside during an x-ray you all waited at a safe distance and then returned i mean i'm not quite sure i think she just felt she said a mirror had fallen down in her house

and that's why she thought she had ghosts. Definitely that rather than gravity. Yeah. Definitely. Well, that's the thing. I don't know how you'd know if Princess Margaret was on the rampage, but maybe... Bath running, maybe?

Just an idea. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Talking about the ghost of Princess Margaret this morning on Absolute Radio. Well, before we do that, I don't want it to seem like I've lowered the tone of the show, but I've just received an email entitled... Getting out your lunchbox. Alan's lunchbox. Hi, F-E-A.

Have just seen a picture of Alan's new lunchbox on Twitter. Made me laugh as I have the exact same one. I am a 23-year-old woman, but I guess the pink compartment lunchboxes cross all barriers. Praise redacted. Oh. She's a woman of great taste, clearly. Back to Princess Margaret.

Yes. I think we can squarely blame method acting for this, I think we can squarely blame method acting for this because method acting has inflated how much it costs for actors to do the role. Like some actors, they inhabit the person and they talk as them for a year, even in between takes. So obviously Helena Bonham Carter knows this. She can't say, oh yeah, I've done my research.

I spent an hour on YouTube watching Princess Margaret being interviewed. I've got my research. I spent an hour on YouTube watching Princess Margaret being interviewed. I've got the voice. It's basically just an impression. So she's had to go, oh God, what else can I do that they're not doing?

And she's thought... She's had to roll out the psychic. I've got that psychic in the house doing the de-ghosting. Why don't I just get her involved as well? Well, the perfect thing for an acting job would be to be possessed

by the spirit of the person, literally possessed by the spirit of the person you're portraying. Yes, very useful. would be to be possessed by the spirit of the person, literally possessed by the spirit of the person you're portraying. Very useful. Who would you be possessed by the spirit of? It's got to be someone dead.

Okay. I can't think of a better note on which to end. I'm going to go Leslie Joseph in my case. I mean, I hope she's okay. I know, but I'm just saying give it time.

Saw her at the theatre only last year. She was wonderful. I love the idea of ending the show on that note. And Leslie Joseph at the theatre anecdote. Thank you for staying with us this morning. Thank you, Gareth. Thank you, Alan.

Thank you for having me. We'll be seeing you. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.