The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Top of the Chops

Episode Date: June 2, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team are back this week to discuss foot pedicures, Kim Jong-un's possible burger joint, summer beards and zombies.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 8 12 15. Many have, many will. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Your choice. Good morning. Good morning everyone. Morning Al. Morning. Al, back from holidays morning, everyone. Morning, Al.

Morning. Al's back from holidays. Indeed. Lovely and sun-kissed. Thank you very much. Yeah. You see... Lasts about three days of tan on me.

He's got the short-sleeved post-holiday shirt. And the lightest shirt I could find for your benefits. Love it. Thank you. Can I ask a question? Uh-oh. Don't you feel... You never normally ask permission to ask questions,

so the sense of foreboding is enormous. No, no, it's not. I've built it up. Do you feel, after a son-kissed holiday, slightly trapped in your beard now? No, it never occurs to me. I knew this was going to happen. Because you couldn't shave it off to die. You'd look like a sort of a sepia Batman.

Oh, yeah. Well, I was thinking you meant that the beard is quite winter is coming. No, but you're trapped in your own tan line. Once you've gone a bit brown with a beard. Yeah. You're committed for quite some time now. I imagine you've gone a bit brown with a beard yeah yeah you're committed for quite some time

I imagine a could a claustrophobic person have a beard text me 8-12-15 8-12-15 I think the problem is they couldn't

have a beard in the summer because they would feel trapped in that beard because the tan line would restrain them yeah

I mean I see obviously there's a lot of beards are the thing at the moment with men. Oh, they're all the rage. People say that, but I think beards were the thing before clean shaven was the thing. Well, they probably were. People often bring it up as if the fashion is for beards

rather than that the fashion is for clean shavenness. But amongst young men, and I'm not talking about the shipwrecked, I'm talking about those that operate in the normal world. Am I being put in the young men category? No, it's not. Do you know what I mean? Resolutely middle-aged.

He's been reading Treasure Island and it's shipwrecked this, shipwrecked that. And of course there's Alan in there, isn't there? And there's Alan. There is indeed. And I said indeed, which is what people say on's Alan. There is indeed. And I said indeed, which is what people say on local news.

Yes, indeed. So they say there a lot as well. Alan Cochran there with... So, yeah, but you know what I mean, the hipster look of the no socks and a beard. Yeah.

That thing. Yeah. And I've seen a couple this week and they've looked hot. You know, it's been very close this week. week and they've looked hot you know it's been very close this week it's been close it's been so close it's been the weather this way it's house you know but i know what you're saying because the goth was always those were where my first sympathies went in the heat and now it is the hipster. Yeah. At least they have a bare ankle though.

But does it make you a bit hotter? See, I used to have a beard but that was in my drinking days when I had no concept. Oh, but that looked nice. No concept of temper. It wasn't one of those carefully carved ones

like Noel Edmonds. Let's put it that way. Was it just I have given up on my entire face? Yes, it was. It was would you let me

hold anything sharp close to your neck? That was what I would call that bit with my shaking hands. There were times I got up in the morning after a proper night out where I used to drink directly from the tap because I couldn't hold it. My hands were shaking, which I couldn't actually hold a glass. That's a nice story. It is.

Breakfast radio here on Absolute. What are you drinking? Can I... And my mum, she's the owner of that, she said because sometimes you get slugs come straight out the tap. I like that that was a immediate concern. Exactly. She said if you...

She said you're seating a glass, but if it goes straight into your throat... It's a good bit of logic, I think. Yeah. But what I was going to ask is, do you feel it makes you a bit hotter? Hotter? I mean hotter in the temperature sense. It obviously makes you hotter in the... It looks absolutely great. Visuals. No,

I don't think it makes me hotter in a you don't think oh god I'd love to get you know when you've got a say a singlet on

let's say a tank top a singlet because I'm not in a gym class in the 40s you know when you're wearing a tank top and you think

oh I take this off it's too hot I'd feel that with a beard I think no I think I might get one of those with the hooks that go over the ears

no I'm serious they look one of those with the hooks that go over the ears no I'm serious they look hot is what I'm saying no I've not found it problematically hot my beard he's persisting with this it's all got to be

your witness more of a concern and I did trim it with I didn't have any scissors on holiday so I ended up using nail clippers

to trim the lip section of my moustache, as it were. So that was a bit of an undignified moment. That could have gone wrong, couldn't it? Yeah, yeah, I could have put my whole mouth in there. You could have nicked your lip. I hate it when that happens. Still, a bit of newspaper.

What will people do when newspapers are gone? Hey, hey, you can't stick the internet on a shaving board. You've got to be apt for that. No, no. We've actually had a whatever happened to in the emails during the week. I am. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Long time readers. Sorry, can I ask one more beard?

Yeah, sure. Oh, my God. Well, the reason I asked about the beard before was that Kath and my partner, if ever a woman... My partner, David Furnish. If a woman comes on... There are certain women who appear on the telly.

Let's say Cheryl Tweedy, as it was. I can't remember what she's called. She's just called Cheryl now Cheryl okay when Cheryl comes on the telly Kath always says oh hot hair

hot hair right and there's a few people women mainly she says that about when their hair looks so dense that you think

oh god that must be it like having a big woolly hat on yeah and that's why I ask about the beard. Right. Can I ask one more question?

Sure. Do you want to do this and then we can come back to it? No, I'm very happy to answer your beard questions. Ask your beard questions. The other thing that I was thinking about looking at these young men was they don't... Thank you, pardon? The young bearded men that he was gawping at.

I was in a car, we were stuck in traffic, there were two men with beards. Joy of tinted windows. And I thought, if these men stood any closer together, they could become enmeshed. Oh, yeah. I'm sure that's a hazard. Because of the beards.

You just want me to have to separate them. Hook and loop, innit? Oh, yeah. I love that detective show. How did you know their names? So, anyway, it struck me that you probably don't moisturise that part of your face. Do you moisturise through your beard? I do, yeah.

Do you? To you, thanks. Okay. When I had a beard, I didn't moisturise at all, so I don't know. I moisturised with cider No, it was very au naturel your beard So that's what men do, they moisturise through the beard

Some do, I mean some don't I also sometimes get a bit of beard druff, but let's not get too bogged down in that grossness The face under the beard is like the back of the fridge covered with bits of fluff and stuff. Neglected.

Anyway, that's enough beard talk. Is it? I can't get enough. I love it. I take it back. He does wear socks, can I say that? Who, me? Yeah.

Yeah. Just in case anyone's thinking, hold on, does Alan Cochran not wear socks? No, no, I do. I've got a big moment. We've got... I've just got the face. Oh, God, I do. I've got a big moment. We've got... I've just got the face. Oh, God, I thought that was just going to be a short digression.

Okay. By the way... No, never mind. I'm sorry, I'm getting the daggers from the producer. Sorry. And can you say that? Don't know. Can you say that?

Straight to prison. It's so tricky nowadays. Is it a reference to knife crime? Yeah. On the bed. Oh, God. Honestly, it's thin ice. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I was going to read you a little whatever happened to email that we've had come in. We've got Bogdan in Beardgate, but we can always revisit that. Bogged down?

See, isn't it? This came in on Wednesday. I know it's only Wednesday, but a whatever happened to has come into my head whilst I lay in a sleeping bag in a tent in the Vale of Pickering campsite, North Yorkshire, listening to Next Door snoring. That's something I forget about camping, that you end up hearing the snores of, like, adjacent properties, as it were. Yeah.

Not good. Well, I did Glastonbury once, and I heard this... Main stage? No, I was in the children's tent. I had to... My first manager made a mistake. Anyway, I was in the tent and I heard... And I thought, ooh, what's going on? And it was very adjacent.

And I thought, ooh, dare I look outside? And it was somebody juggling. Oh, not so bad. Yeah. Not so bad. I thought someone was, dare I look outside? And it was somebody juggling. Oh, not so bad. Yeah. Not so bad. I thought someone was getting a round of applause. Very slow. Yeah, exactly.

And then there was some white middle-class people playing Bob Marley. Woke me up one morning. Oh, that's nice. Oh, Glastonbury. So this is the Vale of Pickering in North Yorkshire. Oh, yeah, Vale of Pickering. Chris continues, I fear if I do not. Oh yeah, veil of pickering. Chris continues,

I fear if I do not send this now, then I never will. There's a strange sense of melodrama to him. Whatever happened to fish pedicures? A few years ago, they were all the rage. With shops popping up all over, enabling you to have hundreds of small fish nibble at the hard skin on your feet. They seem to have just disappeared and I now don't know where i can get one what's happened to

all the fish have they been re-homed many thanks praise withheld chris from red car i love that i was just thinking about these fish pedicures the other day because i think it'd be quite fun to have one well yeah but i mean he's absolutely right. It was a very five, six years ago thing. When that beard comes off, you might need to have one on your face. All that non-meisterisation. I think the tanks just got a bit old.

Didn't they find that there was some sort of bacteria living in the water or something from, you know, the feet, the mixing of feet stuff. Oh, I see. Oh, that doesn't sound as good. I mean, that's one of those, you know when you say something

and you're halfway through it, you think, where have I got this from? But it's a vague, it could be a lie is what I'm saying. Okay. I'm not right enough that it could be a lie. Respect. Respect for your kind. But it might not be. But it is a good'm saying. Okay. I'm not writing off that it could be a lie. Respect. Respect for your client. But it might not be.

But it is a good whatever happens. Did you ever have a fish pedicure, Emily? I didn't know. I graciously declined, as we used to say, at my fashion magazine. I was... When I used to live in the West Midlands, we had one with...

We had four devil dogs in a paddling pool. And we tried it with that, but it didn't really work out. No, I never had it. I always thought, how do you stop them? Oh, right, yeah. See, if I'm at the chiropodist and you get to be... He knows your escape word, doesn't he? Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Exactly. Piranhas have no safe word. If he gets a bit gung-ho with the spinning disc, you know, he's got like a sanding disc. Sometimes, you know, when I see blood hitting the ceiling, then I can say, I say, cease.

Cease and desist. I don't even know what language. Where are piranhas from? My issue with the piranha is what if I, it would just be my luck to get the rogue sociopath. Do you know what I mean? That would be my problem. You mean fish or therapist? No, I mean with the fish.

Do you know what I mean? How did they get here, piranhas? Aren't they from South America or something? They come over in a tank on a plane. They come over here. To eat feet. Yeah. Weird ambition, isn't it?

Eating our feet. Oh, dear. Honestly. In some sort of, I suppose, like a sweatshop for them. Yeah, yeah. Horrible. It's like a terrible, grim, dark story of finding nemo a bit yeah oh dear that could be a good third one though um in which one of the fish ends up as a pedicure and he has to escape that

would be yeah because you can have all sorts of comedy feet involved it's genuinely a really good idea yeah you could have maybe a talking Veruca who befriends them. Oh, nice. Would they take on a Veruca? Disney won't like that. Would they take on a Veruca? 8, 12, 15.

If we've got any. Petty cue a fish. Take on a Veruca. You decide. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio. Do you want a big moment? Have we finished?

Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Did we finish that one? It was just fish feet. Can I say I noticed during Alan's reading of that that I say Wednesday wrong. I've got a bad habit of doing Wednesday. So I say the N before the D, but you do it right. You say Wednesday.

Yeah, and I'm much mocked for it, I must say. Are you? Yeah, by several different people. I like it. It's very headmaster, and I like that. But it's correct, isn't it? I've got that many headmasterly qualities about me. Well, who doesn't be? much masterly qualities about me um would you like to hear a big moment boys sure sorry that sounded like a very strange offer it was a bit like the super bra advert for audio this is from david cleaver and what i like is yeah it a tweet, but he's called it

Friday Night Troll. It's a whole thing now. Big moment. The guy I work with has informed me that Les Dawson was actually a very good piano player.

Excellent. Come on, that's going in. That's a good one. He says, the same guy that has told me three times that tomatoes are fruits. Oh, brilliant.

Sounds like a fun work colleague. I just say for new readers, a big moment, I won't bother telling you why it's called this, is when someone tells you something thinking there's no way in the world you'd know it. And it's one of those facts that you've heard many, many times. I know there'll be people at home who didn't know les dawson was in fact a really good piano player a fact down who les dawson is possibly but um no that's true but it's a good one that and the tomatoes being a fruit is also a good one it's it's the pip the pip um defining things yes yeah

can i say on the subject we were talking about feeling trapped in your own facial hair, I feel a bit claustrophobic in the studio today because the window has been... I feel like Bruno Gantz in Downfall. They've blacked out the window of our studio. Is that the character's name or the actor's name? It's the bloke who plays Hitler, I think.

Oh, lovely. I thought you'd done that because we were distracted. I genuinely thought that this morning. I came in this morning and saw the window had been taped up and I thought, oh, that's because I looked through the window the other week. Oh, yeah. I thought Frank had done it. I should say that because we do a Saturday morning show,

we don't see many people, because there's not that many people around, is there, on a Saturday? No, it's just security guard. In absolute towers. Yeah. But there was a time, why I like the window being clear,

is there was a period when they used to have people who wanted to be in radio would come and do a one-day course here. And I liked the idea of people who wanted to be in radio looking in at us and thinking, wow, they are in radio. Let's have a look at what you could have won. Yeah.

I think they were saying, wow. They were. I think they were saying, wow. Yeah, but imagine how old we looked to them. No, no, we looked like gods to them. We were in radio and they wanted to get in radio. I mean, was there any better? Could we be in any better position in life

than when they looked in that window at us? It was a similar face to the crowds at the royal wedding, wasn't it? It was very similar to that. I looked at them like I crowds at the Royal Wedding, wasn't it? It was very similar to that. I looked at them like I look at the pedicure fish in a bowl beneath me and they looked at me like I was Achilles and

now it's gone. There's a blanket up the window. I mean people keep being like this. Stop doing the tours anyway. No, I know but imagine if they've started again today and they're just walking past the blankie and they'll think, oh, that Frank Skinner, he's put a blanket up, doesn't want to be

looked at. So untrue. Yeah, you love being looked at. Yeah, I do. What's the point of doing it if you're not going to be have people thinking, oh, we're charging right here. Now people are walking past and thinking,

that's a very dense blankie. Rubbish. Oh, I've got a blankie. Anecdote, I'll tell you later. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some updates on the piranha situation. Oh, yeah.

The fish, this is from 545, the fish are gararufa fish. I don't know if that's pronounced right. Rather than actual piranhas. They all went out of business due to hygiene issues. Veruca's in the water. I said that. And the cruelty to the fish. Veruca's in the water.

Love the show, guys. Yeah, Veruca's in the water. I know, I know, it's serious yeah do you think that would have still been a popular song if it had been called Veruca's in the water oh yeah okay well that's um what's in a name that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet correct 719 talking of sweet 719 goes on to say, well I should read that because it starts with Frank is right

and I know you'll like that. These fish will only eat dead skin so no safe word needed. Do you see? So they stop when they get to the live bit. That's weird isn't it? That's like eating just the yellow parts of a pomegranate

i wonder if anyone in the world says oh no i don't like them pips to get in the way of all that lovely that labyrinthine um yellow yeah squidge i'll tell you what we haven't mentioned this morning by the way the big the big The big news story in this morning's papers is Benedict Cumberbatch. Sherlock, Doctor Strange. By sheer luck. Yeah. As the sun had it.

Yeah. Look, can you hear this? Oh, is that what they've done? Sheer luck. And this is, I think, as Emily was saying, this is... Whatever happens to you? The have-a-go hero. Yeah. As Emily was saying, this is a... Whatever happens to you? The Have A Go Hero.

Yeah. And... Well, I think enough of them ended badly for people to be put off being the Have A Go Hero. Yeah, that's the trouble. That's the trouble with the Have A Go Hero thing. Good for him, though. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Benedict Cumberbatch who plays Sherlock Doctor Strange and that other

I can't remember the name of it, it's a really good thing on Sky at the moment about Yes, Patrick Melrose. Yes. Anyway, he's in an Uber right? So he's lugged up. This is like a footballer describing the goal. So he's in an Uber, right? So he's looked up. This is like a footballer describing the goal.

So he's in an Uber, he's looked up. He's got loads of space. He's seen four blokes attacking a Deliveroo driver. Yeah. Well, the papers referred to them as yobbs, which is another whatever happened to. Yeah, and muggers is another whatever happened to. In fact, they actually said on the headline

that he foils and foils is not, you know. Do you think the intention to use quite Victorian language for this as well? Oh, yes, of course. They called it the hounding of the bicycles. That was fair. That was good. The thing

that worried me, we were always taught at our school, never run with a pipe in your mouth. Oh was fair. That was good. The thing that worried me, we were always taught at our school, never run with a pipe in your mouth. Oh yeah. I hope we didn't break that golden rule. But it was, yeah, so we should say that he got out of his Uber, left his wife in the back seat

and whatever happened to equality? Eh? Eh? Oh, it's alright, we want this, we want that. Come on, get out the Uber and take these four blokes on. That's what he said. That's my impression about Benedict. Anything's coming on, it's a work in progress. I'll tell you what he said when he got out the car.

He said, leave him alone. Yeah, I like that. Probably in exactly that tone, I suspect. Do you think so? Frank, how do you think he said it? And the wife said, can you shut the door after you? If you're going to approach those hoodlums.

And he said, Oi! Leave him alone! And he went over and he started... He sorted them out. Yeah, I mean, respect to Mondo. Oh, yeah. Brilliant.

Do you believe that the drama took place near 221 B Baker Street? Because I think that might be... Well, we're all... You never admit it. If you believe that the drama took place near 221 B Baker Street? Because I think that might be... Well, we're all... You never... If you live in London, you're never more than six feet away from 221. I mean, that could be Watford, couldn't it? There's an international newspaper that's describing it as near.

You know, they know they've got foreign readers that are thinking... But well done, well done, Benedict Cumberbatch. And apparently, as a result of this he's been awarded French citizenship oh nice which is respect

for him The Frank Skinner Show listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran you can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'd like to bring something to your attention, Frank, but I do so with a sense of foreboding because sometimes when we go for brunch after the show,

sometimes if we start discussing recipes or eating out, something like that, you'll go, oh, save this for your normal friends. But I do, in a way, want to discuss food. But I'd like to tie it in to topical news.

On the food, I have a sort of a food query. Is it to do with it getting stuck in beards? It's to do with the Benedict Cumberbatch thing. Deliveroo? Yeah, what? Deliveroo men, do they have money? Do they have cash on them then? Do you pay them cash? I think they might have just been trying

to steal his bicycle or maybe his gadgetry. Maybe it just smelled great. It just felt good. You know when you walk past the tell you walk past the spot you like and you get that smell. I don't have those anymore, Frank. Oh, I don't think...

I don't think there's... Oh. I don't think there's envy like somebody else's chips, is there? Like when you smell someone else's chips, there's no... Oh, Frank doesn't know that a spot you like

is not around anymore. Sad news. I didn't know that. Is that more shocking? Is it gone? It's counterintuitive that though, isn't it? Because you'd think that the jacket potato is a healthier thing than a lot of fried food.

And yet Spud You Like has gone. That is a shame. If it has gone, has it definitely gone? Spud You Like? Is there a Spud You Like near any of our readers? They died out about 20 years ago, love. Well, it sounds like there's a gap in the market if both me and Frank think that it's a good business idea, I reckon.

Tattoo removal and Spud You Like 2. Yeah, it's great because people love... They're the business ideas. What I find people love these days is carbs. Very big carbs. Carbs are massive. But that doesn't stop kebab shops and... Yeah, which is meat-based, protein, not carbs.

What? Spodgy like is based around carbs. Kebabs is based around protein, which is meat. It's got bread around it. Yeah, but there's still protein available. Thank you. Your witness. Well, Kim Jong-un is unlikely to give up his nuclear weapons,

but he may be amenable to opening a burger... Spudgy sounds like one of his cabinet ministers. He may be amenable to opening a burger joint as a gesture of goodwill towards the USA. I don't quite understand what that means. We're keeping the nuclear weapons, but I tell you what. What say we open a Julie's Pantry in Pyongyang? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, it's him. Is it a cultural gesture? I think so. And it's also that Donald Trump apparently has said in the past, oh, if me and Kim Jong-un eat, we're not going to go to one of these long Chinese state dinners. We're going to have hamburgers at the conference table.

That's what he said. It's good to plan ahead there. That doesn't sound depressing, does it? Hamburgers on a conference table. Now I come to think, I haven't given any thought whatsoever to if me and Kim Jong-un, you're at. Well, they are in the process of planning it. But I've been in many posh restaurants

and thought you know what I'd rather be in well Spod you like for example you've had Spod you like today it won't be a

good arranged time travel there's such a faff posh restaurants whereas things like Wagamama they're just the stuff comes quickly

do you know what this is his man of the people material no it's really you do but I know what you mean, but... I mean, come on.

I think Donald Trump is being effective there. I think he's saying, look, there's a lot of history between the two countries. We need to deal with it. What, North Korea and America? Yeah. Hold on a minute, though. I bet most Americans didn't know

there was a North Korea until the 50s. Can I just say, i don't think yeah this is such a gesture of goodwill yeah because he's got previous with burgers that whole family that whole household have no oh the kim kim Jong-un's? Yeah. His father... Kim Jong-il? Yes. He invented the hamburger. He did. That's what they believe.

He was known as Burger Kim. Kim Pae, that was another one of his... Very good. Yes. This is the theory. I don't know if this is an official. This is what Kim Jong-un and I believe the North Korean people believe. That Kim Jong-il, his dad, invented...

The burger, but he called it not the burger. Do you know what he called it, boys? I believe he called it double bread with meat. Which is the austerity version. Oh, no, I don't want double meat. I want more bread, please. I've got some great news. 412 has just texted.

Frank is right. Never doubt him. Spud you like. Still going. Come on! What a morning I've had! That's two big ticks for me. That's fantastic news.

What was the first one? What was the first one? What's the reason they stopped the pedicure thing? Oh, yeah. Oh, you've forgotten that. It's strange that you've erased that from your memory. Like dead skin. The most amazing thing about this story

is I assume that they did have, you know, McDonald's and type things. Wow, in North Korea? Listen, I've got to... Are you telling me that Kim Jong-un got that size without fast food? It was Stilton. He loves cheese. Oh, yeah.

He gets burgers. This is the word on the street. Oh, yeah. He gets burgers flown over from McDonald's in Beijing. Wow. Oriental Elvis. I'm loving it. Air Deliveroo.

Loving it. Elveroo. What a guy. Oh, man. Well, it's a fabulous tale and we'll continue to um... uh...

forensically examine it after this. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, do you remember I said earlier, I suggested that, I think I may have even laughed at you, when you suggested that Spud You Like

was still in existence as a chain. I think I may have got it a little bit wrong. Paul has been in touch. Hello, I've enjoyed a Spud You Like in Glasgow, Bristol and Dundee fairly recently. Everyone's talking about carbohydrates. Talk about it. There are ones popping up in Basildon, in

Lakeside. One in Lakeside? Yeah. I mean, right now I feel very humiliated. I think there are a lot. I've got a memory of being one in a shopping centre in Edinburgh as well. Oh, why didn't you speak up? Because I assumed that it

had gone under and that I'd missed the news story. You know, I've had a holiday. Well, I nearly closed Clinton's cards. Oh, yeah. Did I close them? I suggested they'd gone under, so I'd like to apologise. I think Hillary found out, didn't she, about them? Oh, yeah.

I'd like to apologise to Spud You Like. Yes, and can I say I'm very happy that they still exist? Well, 245 has said there's an independent jacket potato selling stall in Redhill Market on a Thursday. Never a culo, there always is for the chicken tikka wraps. A little snapshot into the food preferences of the Redhill Market. I hope it's got a bit of a punning title. The chicken tikka wraps place.

No, the other one. The other. Oh, right. Spud You Like. Although I like Spud You Like, I think they could have done better with the name. It was from the days of Ties Are Us and all that. Yes.

It was very fashionable, that sort of lingo. Oh, lingo, I nearly said. Yeah. That's very whatever happened to. Spud You Like exists. Hi, Frank. Frank is... Be a good Frank. Frank is right. That'd be a good headline.

Frank is right. Again. Twice in one day. Oh, my goodness. He said it. There is a spud you like at my local retail outlet centre. This is great news. Well, they should get in touch with the North Korean government

and see if they can get in quick. Yeah. Would you even call it fast food? Oh, if it's that planned? No, I'm on about what you like. Oh, it takes a while. It doesn't seem fatty and fried enough to be fast food. I think it just needs to be ready when you go up and order it, doesn't it?

I'd say what I bought this week. Apparently he doesn't have both bits of bread now, Donald Trump. Oh, yeah, that's his diet. He has, he takes one of the, he takes one of the top bits of the bun or the bottom bit.

He only has half of the bread bun now. Oh, that's why his skin looks so nice. Mayor Giuliani said it in the public domain.

I imagine he puts a top on it which is a different colour from the bottom bit. So it's a sort of a McDonald Trump. Do you know Kim Jong-un

cuts his own hair? He never does. He does because he's scared of barbers. He does a very good fade. Scared of barbers? He fears barbers, yeah. He might be like me, he just finds the small talk crippling. Always worried about maybe.... He just finds the small talk crippling. Always worried about maybe...

No, apparently he loves small talk. Yeah. It's one of his things. But he's had that thing. You know, I told you that when I had my hair washed in a barber's, I leaned my head back. Mm. And it suddenly occurred to me,

if they chopped me in the Adam's apple, I might choke to death. Oh, yeah. And once you've had that thought, you just can't ever do it again. You just can't relax in it. Maybe he's had that. Although I think you could probably chop him in the neck and not reach the Adam's apple. God bless him.

He certainly needs a Big Mac. Such a simple and yet beautiful joke. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. One of the things that I read about the Kim Jong-un burger thing

is that when they had the double bread with meat that his dad invented supposedly they used to eat it with plastic gloves on I've seen those like the ones at petrol stations

I suppose so I've always struggled a bit, to be honest, with cutlery. Oh, yeah, I noticed that. But it's such a difficult thing. Why do you find it a bit Benedict Cumberbatch?

I do, yeah. There's so many things, like salad with a knife and fork. Oh, I ate a salad with my hands yesterday. It's so easy, isn't it? What? Yeah, I always eat salad with my hands yesterday. It's so easy, isn't it? Yeah, I always eat salad with my hands.

No, how we eat salad... In boxer shorts on a hotel bed. Never mind how you have it served. I quite like that. Yeah, I like that. That's great. I go, I'm afraid for the American corruption when it comes to the salad,

which is to use my fork in the right hand to switch hands and just rely on the fork I think it makes me look like I'm an agent doing a big deal I look important but picking up lettuce with a fork you have to go for the spine to get any sort of purchase at all

you're right but I always eat it with my hands I eat most off with my hands. I eat most off with my hands. And I, like I like food that naturally comes with a handle. Oh, right. You know, like a chicken leg or a lamb chop.

A toon. Roasted toon. It's a roasted toon, absolutely perfect. We have a few of them on a spit, don't we, at the start of the show and you just nibble on them throughout. Oh, man, it's so easy. It's why we often put a long song on. And also, if I'm eating toucan

and you get a bit of an itchy back... Give it a little... Lovely. I'll tell you what, this week... Yeah. I tend to buy my chicken already cooked. Oh. You know, I like to eliminate the middleman.

That's a shame. Yeah, why is that a shame? Because you're not doing the cooking. It's, I like to eliminate the middle man. That's a shame. Yeah, why is that a shame? Because you're not doing the cooking. It's a nice thing to do sometimes. No,

I hate it. Alright, fair enough. It was good we're all different. Lovely little exchange. Well, why cook it

when you can buy it cooked? That's it. More packaging, the pleasure of cooking your own food, that sort of stuff. No,

I'm with Frank. I like a cooked chicken. As I say, it's good we're all different. As my dad used to say, I don't keep dogs to bark meself. Yeah. Right? I mean, I won't give you the context in which he said it. Oh, dear.

It'd be things like when my mum said, make your own tea. You will give us the context. When I did, in the end, I gave us the context. But I did in the end. I gave you the context. It was historical. Yeah. So I used to buy a whole cooked chicken, and then I went for chicken breasts,

and then I went for chicken legs. And then this week, they had chicken thighs. Oh, yeah. That's a peculiar concept, isn't it? In what sense? Well, I just thought, why single out that? They don't have chicken calves. I looked for chicken calves.

There's less meat on them, do you know? Is there anything? Is there such a thing as a chicken calf? I don't think... Do chickens have calves? Yeah, but they're pretty small. I don't think they have. It seems to be just bone and then the thigh thing.

I mean, thigh's pushing it. But if they don't have calves, then a chicken thigh is a chicken leg, surely. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to let you have that. Anyway, they've sort of cut through the bone on them. That's the weirdest slice of chicken. I won't be getting those again. Will you? Oh, no, no. That's the weirdest slice of chicken. I won't be getting those again.

Will you? Oh, no, no. That's their history. They're dead to me, chicken thighs. I like the way you said it, like you won't be getting my business again, thighs. No, I'm glad you're keeping us updated. Stupid chicken.

If they bring out a chicken calf, I'll be straight in there. Just tell a girl. They sell wings. How much meat is on a chicken wing? Not so much. You don't get chicken calf. Chicken Kiev, that's the closest you get.

That's very close. Chicken Kiev. Yeah. Yeah. Accented calf, that's it. I like a chicken Kiev as well. Whatever happened to you? Are they gone?

They haven't gone. They're still alive and well. Kiev you like? We need to talk about Chicken Kiev. That popular movie. Oh, I love... Sometimes when it goes really hot, much hotter than you expected,

the inner cream. Very. You don't see them as much anymore, though. I mean, it is a bit... It was like a savoury Pop-Tart. It was a savoury Pop-Tart. But you wouldn't go into a restaurant. I'll have the Chicken Kiev and the Black Forest Gato. Oh, sounds like a savoury Pop-Tart. It was a savoury Pop-Tart. But you wouldn't go into a restaurant. I'll have the chicken Kiev and the Black Forest Gato.

Oh, sounds like a great night. I'd like to go into a posh restaurant and have a chicken Kiev with two straws, please. And then put them into the unicorn, drink that before you eat the meat around you. Oh, you'd be burned from the inside. I'll tell you what I did the other day in a bit of improv. I was away, so I didn't have all my normal tools.

I used... Why didn't you call one of your friends in the S&M community? There might have been one local. Frank's power tools. Just for eating dinner. I used an avocado as an egg cup. Did you? It's absolutely perfect indentation in the middle.

Good show. That's a great idea. Yeah, and it looks quite good as well. It looks a bit like it could have been a car in Captain Scarlet. Not much sort of structural integrity, though, for the base. I'll be honest with you, it's a little bit underripe. Oh, OK. That's the secret.

I think it riped by the time I let the egg in. It had ripened. I'll be honest with you, it's a little bit underripe. Oh, that's the secret. I think it ripe, but by the time I let the egg in, it had ripened. I mean, timing in this business is everything. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Eve Barrett, aged 11, has just texted, my dad is driving, but he thinks a chicken drumstick is a chicken's calf and the thigh would be the upper leg. So the, when you get a drumstick, that's the calf, is it?

That bit of meat on the end. Can I just say to Eve Barrett, aged 11, that that's a great text and you haven't misspelled anything. It's all really good. And we have adults regularly make mistakes, so strong work, Eve. Some in this studio. Yeah.

I think most 11-year-olds can spell, can't they? Well, yeah. There we go. How come... Minimise it. How come we get many 41-year-olds that can't then? Well, that's drink! Yeah, I was picturing a drumstick as a chicken's leg, if you know what I mean. Like the entire leg. Yeah, I was picturing a drumstick as a chicken's leg,

if you know what I mean. Like the entire leg. I suppose I was imagining the chicken in pantaloons. I know what you mean. I think I was, yeah. So that it was, you know, you could imagine like, you know, toreador pants, so the lower part was the calf and there's no meat on it.

I got mixed up. I was similarly inclined. And, yeah, I just felt they were a little bit short-legged. Anyway, I don't like the size. I thought it was a bit Scott Parker legs. And I have similar ones. They're lovely. What, your legs are lovely?

You're saying that officially on radio? Well, I've never heard such vanity in all my life. You've got nice legs as well. Well, thank you. I think actually Donald Trump has a grand plan. He's got great legs, by the way. He has, yeah. Great legs, the best legs.

Okay. I think he's got a grand plan to have this meeting with Kim Jong-un and it seemed friendly. And then he's going to go, oh, yeah, we're going to have burgers at the conference table but I got special burgers that are a bit better than usual ones and then he's gonna bring in some of those gourmet burgers you know the sort of big towery ones Kim Jong-un won't know that there's a wooden stick in it and he'll choke to death

whilst Trump just laughs and maniacally licks his fingers of sauce and salt. I had a near-miss with a roll-my-pairing recently on that very basis. Oh, yeah. The jeopardy. I nearly got a stake through the roof of the mouth. Oh, did you? It's better that than sideways, though, and then it'd still be there now. Better here than Philadelphia. Is it?

In fact, that's what... Isn't that what WC Fields fields on his tombstone all right i think so when he wanted it i tell you what i did i mean this is an error i think in the on the eating out front is that i had a i had a chop about one of these big i can't remember what count you know they're often got the big ones i got a yes, yeah. So it was like a Derbyshire chop. Yes. Not Derbyshire, I'm thinking a Derbyshire neck, which was another name for a goiter.

Oh, was it? Massive neck tumour. That's nice. Yeah, anyway, breakfast radio era. Absolutely. And I had this chop, it was fantastic. It was just like one of the great chops. It was a big chop as well. One of the greats. Yeah, one of the greats. I don't know how to chop. It was fantastic. It was just like one of the great chops. It was a big chop as well.

One of the greats. Yeah, one of the greats. I don't know how the chop described like one of the greats. Chop of the week. It was a really brilliant chop. And I loved it. Good. It's great.

It had the handle. The fat was done to a crispiness. It was great. Lovely. And it was a big, big mama of a chop. Did you have anything with, I just want to envisage this also, you had the chop, anything else on the plate? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Bread and butter? I had some green vegetables and things. Okay. Yeah. They don't warrant any specifics. They were fine. They were just vegetables. They were fine.

Putting the greens helps the protein go to where it should. You need to eat your greens. No, I eat my greens. But, you know, the greens you don't get excited about. No, they're not as fun. The chop was the churro and the rest were like the girls allowed, the vegetables, the rest of them. Yeah, exactly.

Barnsley chop, maybe. I don't think it was Barnsley. Oh. I might have remembered that. Someone's saying top of the chops. I've had a Barnsley chop. But yeah, like the prettier girls at school would hang around with a plainer mate. Exactly.

So they looked even better. Yeah. Well, the chop looked great. And then I went back to the... Strange love rival for Cap, the chop. So a couple of nights later, I went back to the same restaurant. Oh. And I made that classic mistake.

I tried to relive the chop. It's like, you know, anything in life. Never go back. You can have a party with the same, a brilliant party, invite the same people the following week, and it just doesn't happen. Yeah. Diminishing returns, my friend.

Yeah, and it was fine. It was fine it was fine but in a way it retrospectively diminished the original chop experience oh that's a she killed

off experience number one why didn't I just leave it there chop one yeah I've asked myself

that a hundred times since you've been back a hundred times no just dying in bed thinking about it lost chops thinking about it. Lost chops. Thinking about it. Trying to remember what the first

chop felt like before it was there. Imagine going to bed thinking of that. Oh no, I don't need to. I often go to bed thinking of meat, food that I've eaten in the past. What about when Gary Barlow used to wake up when he wasn't allowed carbs or chocolates when he had to lose weight for that

and he woke up and he was licking the pillow because he dreamt it was a Twix. That's a bit like the old, I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow. That's like when I woke up, the pillow had gone. I love that joke. Oh, man. But this wasn't a joke.

This was this man's life. Oh, I let Gary Barlow's pillow be covered in gel. Yuck. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you remember the square burgers of yesteryear? No. My mum used to buy packets of square hamburgers, beef burgers, whatever you...

I suppose it would be a beef burger because a hamburger has to be round, I think. Does it? Did she really? I've not ever come across those. But we used to have them on round... Oh, actually, we might have just had them on sliced bread. Maybe that's why they work so well. If you put them on a circular bon, obviously the corners stick out.

Yeah. It looks a bit like, remember when the sun comes out in Teletubbies with a child's face? Yes. But instead of the child's face, it's just like a bon roof. Oh.

You know the bon roof. Oh. Mm-hmm. You're looking at me like I've made this up. No, I think we know the bon roof. I think that might be the part that Donald Trump removes. Yeah, this is your lying hour, and we let it go. No, I think we know the bun roof. I think that might be the part that Donald Trump removes. Yeah, this is your lying hour and we let it go. No, no.

But when you think about the cheeseburger, that's... And I do. That's square, isn't it? The cheese. Oh, the cheese, yeah. So you get a square on a circle. If they reintroduce the square burger,

that would support the drooping corners, the now drooping corners of the cheese square indeed come on guys ok and of course

our Scottish fan base will be thinking that they've got flat sausage oh they've got the square sausage yeah which are great

for posting very useful yeah I get them delivered you're right you get it delivered I do post box do you get it sent

over from Beijing yeah isn't it great, you're right. You get it delivered? I do post box. Do you get it sent over from Beijing? Yeah. Isn't it great that he does that? It's a lovely thing. I love him for that. You've got to love him. What's brilliant about it is that the ketchup sits on the square. You know how it slides off a sausage?

Yes. Sits on the square one. Yeah. That's my view. So they're in negotiation anyway to sum up this one. Yeah. That's my view. So they're in negotiation anyway, to sum up this story. Yeah. And they're going to have a burger together.

America said, will you get rid of nuclear weapons? And Kim Jong-un said, no, but I'll tell you what, we'll get one burger place in Pyongyang. I'm not even sure it is as thorough as that. I think an American document has been leaked A CIA document.

saying we don't think that they'll give up their nuclear weapons but they might have a burger with us we have evidence to suggest that this will happen yeah because financially getting if they if they had a mcdonald's say that could be the beginning of that that would probably bring down i think north korean the north korean brand down, I think, the North Korean brand of communism. One McDonald's would just give people a little glimpse of how tasty capitalism really can be. Assuming that they can afford to go there,

of course. I mean, I'd like to in the negotiation I'd like to Kim Jong-un saying look, I draw the line at Dill Pickle. You know what I love about Kim is that he has some self-styled titles. Very Paul Ince the Governor. Yes. And two of my favourites of his self-styled

are The Brilliant Comrade. Is that what he calls himself? Yeah. And the other one is The Genius Among Others. Oh, no. Oh, my God. That's a good one. The Genius Among Others.

I've got a new name, everyone the thing is the genius among others has got a hint of big fish in a little puddle about it what yes he had he felt he needed to add the caveat among others yeah so here genius in north korea is what he's basically saying where I won't let anyone else get educated. Yeah. Can I say he's a big fish in a small footbath. That's what he is. He is. That's great.

Yes. And he's nibbling at the dead skin of capitalist fast food mania. Turns out it's quite fattening. Yeah, I think it is, yeah. He must have got through a few feet in his time. I won't get him a Swiss ball. I had a card from Chris Hunter. Did you?

Oh, how is he? He's all right, actually. Great, who is he? Whether he's found any Chris's, I don't know. How is he and who is he? Well, he just sent me a postcard because he was in St Lawrence's Church in Ledbury in Shropshire and it is the resting place of A.E. Houseman.

Oh! Now, long-term readers may know that that was... Our long-term readers may know that that was... I introduced an alarm for whenever A.E. Houseman was mentioned on the show. Yeah. Natch. It only happens the first time, so you can say it again. Yeah.

But we haven't hit the old A.E. Age alarm for a long time. For a while. Lovely hearing that. Still sounds good. So I sort of assumed he'd been Westminster Abbey's in Ledbury which I think was the

first holiday I ever had. To Ledbury? It was a weekend in Ledbury. Yeah. Yeah it rocked. But thanks for that

Chris. I don't have any you know there's no further bit. That's it. His house is for sale though though, if anyone's interested. Chris Hunter's? No, A.E. Houseman's.

Oh, is it? I don't think we should be plugging people to send in... We're not Zoopla. We've also answered an email that we had about whatever happened to the A.E. Houseman alarm. It's back. It's back in its world. Oh, really?

Oh, there you go. A.E. Houseman's house is for sale. Oh, there you go. AE Houseman's house is for sale. Yeah, blue plaque. Is it called the AE House? How much is it?

I don't know. I feel quite moved. It's quite near me. It's up the road. We'll have a chat. It's about a George Forman.

I'll be expensive then, won't I? I thought if it's in Tropicana. I'll put some in if you want. Oh, dear. He's like those people that go to Wembley and say expensive then, weren't it? I thought if it's in Shropshire... I'll put some in if you want. Oh dear. I'll chuck a tenner into it. The Coca-Cola was so expensive.

I thought if it's in Shropshire I'd nip down the road for a spud you like. Well, better do that in Highgate. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got a massive correction. Hold on, hold on.

I've got to do me housekeeping. Sorry, love. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at, that's that Cumberland sausage thing, at Frank on the Radio and email the show

via the Absolute Radio website. Hold on, let me go for the Correctioni Correctioni Correctioni Correctioni Correctioni Okay.

Yes. You were on a good run today, Frank. You were on a good run today, Frank. You were on a good run. Yeah. And then what were we talking about, Al? We were talking about a houseman and where he was buried. Hi, Frank. Ledbury is in Herefordshire.

That's Dale from Shropshire. He used to live in Herefordshire. So I believe you thought it was in Shropshire. Is that correct? Can I tell you where my... I accept that was in Herefordshire. 342 was... Can I just let you know, Ledbury's in Herefordshire, not Shropshire. Is that correct? Can I tell you where my... I accept that was an error. 3-4-2 was, can I just let you know,

Ledbury's in Herefordshire, not Shropshire. Sorry, guys. Yeah, Chris from Hereford, FYI, as well. Right-o. There's even a statue of Houseman in Bromsgrove High Street.

Someone does try and... I thought Bromsgrove was in Worcestershire. You're getting yourself into all sorts of cumbersome sausage pickles. Someone else said, I think he was buried in Ludlow,

which is Shropshire. So there's, you know, there's reasons. We're just saying there's been a lot of interest in this. Oh, yeah. Can I say that... I mean, they love it when you're wrong. This postcard, this postcard on the bottom says Shropshire and then has four scenes from Shropshire on it.

Oh, yeah. Little Stretton, Stokes, Cloughin Castle, Muchwenlock, Ca, Caradoc. So you can see how I was mizzled. Yeah. I was completely mizzled but I was wrong and I hold up my hand

a la basketball. Mia Culper, yeah? Yeah. Mia Culper. What happened to her? She was good fun. That Woody Allen, he messed...

Oh, no. Did he? No, that wasn't her. That was Mia Farrow. Who was Pia Zadora? Do you remember her? Yes. Don't know.

I do remember her. She was Elfing. She was tiny. She was married to a very wealthy businessman and she used to put on... Who sort of paid for her acting and singing career. Well, that sounds nice. He would do things like hire out the Albert Hall

and she performed to four people and things. No, I think she was a film star, though, wasn't she? Peter Sedora? Yeah. No, I think there was a moment where she was like quite... What they used to call a sex symbol. Whatever happens... Can't have that anymore.

That's gone. It's all gone. I don't know if he still can. Can he still have BX? What about Poldark? He's one. I know, but he's a bloke. Oh, is that allowed? Oh, yeah, you can have them.

Oh, OK. It's all right when they say it. Oh, be quiet. Don't you want... Be quiet? That's my new one for him. It's a radio show. That's my new one for him.

He has to be told sometimes. Oh, really? I said with love. There was a woman saying this in the paper this week. Yeah. True. Lovely. There's a Spudgy Like at the White Rose in Leeds.

I'm going. There's a Spudgy Like in Livingston Shopping Centre outside Edinburgh. You could go to the Test Match today, headingly, and then go to the Spudgy Like at the White Rose Centre in Leeds. Yeah. Spudgy Like in Ilford, Essex. All the hot spots have got a Spudgy like, it turns out. Frank, and just my final thoughts

on this food-based section of the show. 491, you remember you were talking earlier and you were saying that your mum used to make square burgers. I think she bought them. I don't think she made them. Well, hi, Frank. Square burgers, 491 says, were actually bird's-eye steaklets as opposed to the beef burgers. Oh, you know what? Youers 491 says were actually bird's eye steaklets

as opposed to the beef burgers. Oh, you know what, you're right. Which were around before the American hamburgers and buns caught on big time with the advent of Maccy D's. You're absolutely right. Steaklets. They were steaklets, of course. Oh, I love a steaklet.

I miss a steaklet. I need to use a steaklet if I'm punishing Dracula without wishing to actually kill him. I'll use a very small steaklet. Just impede him a bit. Yeah, just as a warning. Yeah. This far and no further.

Give him a bit of a reducer. Exactly. A bit of a countdown. Oh, very good. Respect. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. You might be thrilled to learn this is news from 007. He says, hi, Frank and guys.

A place called Jake's in Essex has on its signage the home of the Square Burger. Jake's is another name for a toilet, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. Did not know that. Yeah. That's a worry.

Why? I just didn't know that. No, not that you didn't know it. Oh, right. That a toilet could be the arm of the square burger. Right. So paranoid. No, I was just thinking,

should I be more worried about that than I am? There's that moment. Since you've been on the mat regularly, you've got very... Do you think so? Very incendiary. I haven't. I could go up at any minute.

I haven't. Is it going to be more alpha, some mat work? I think two weeks ago when I was here, I went off on one when you started slagging off walks. That was the last time. I said that was very triggering for you, the walks. Yeah, yeah. Nice walk if you can get it, I think was your last line.

I saw a story that I want to talk about, which was to do with... I saw a mouse where... Everybody! There on the stair, There on the stair. Where on the stair? Right there. What a conversation that was. Where?

Where? There! Okay. How is he going? He's going clip-clippity-clop on the stairs. Oh, he had heels on. He had clogs on. Oh, did he?

Okay. I want to talk about the zombie alert. Because, I mean, I don't... Can we just say, by the way, that there isn't one? In case you thought... We're not back referring to the news. It's not some War of the Worlds moment. I hadn't even anticipated that hazard,

that people might think it's a zombie alert. Yeah, we should say, this happened in Florida recently, in late Worth, and the city administrators had sent out a warning about a power outage. That's a power cut, isn't it? Yeah. Sorry, that's what they call it. That's an Americanism. But they'd warned them about that. I thought they'd exposed a lot of people who were gay in the government.

Oh, yeah. Obviously it wouldn't be exposed, you know what I mean. We know what you mean. were gay in the government. Oh, yeah. And in addition to... Obviously, it wouldn't be exposed. You know what I mean. Well, we know what you mean. We would. But what was weird is the text that went out said, warning of power outage and extreme zombie activity.

Hmm. I think it was the extreme that frightened people. Yeah. But I like the fact also that they sort of thought that would get second billing on the extreme zombie activity. But I don't understand. How did that happen?

Why was there a zombie warning on an official... We should say there was no zombie warning. No. And they sent out a correction only afterwards. I mean, I assumed they'd been a prankster.

A sort of Simpsons socks wearer. Had to get hold of, you know... Got hold of the controls. Exactly. But doesn't they ever... I've never seen, and I've been keeping an eye out, the actual... They've never actually

come clean and say how it happened. No. No. I reckon it is a prankster. Do you think it would actually scare some people? Oh, yeah, there are definitely people that are into the idea of a zombie being really a thing. If I were a zombie... No, don't frighten me.

If I were a zombie... Can I... All day long, I'd... It's the original draft, I believe. Yeah, exactly. If I was a zombie, I would say to the other zombies, look, when we launch the attack, let's go April 1st. Oh, yeah.

Because all warnings would be completely ignored. Alien attack as well. If I was an alien, it's April 1st. Do your research. Yeah. People would just... They wouldn't even lock their doors. You could just walk in. an attack as well. If I was an alien, it's April the 1st, do your research. Yeah. Yeah. People would just, they wouldn't even lock their doors,

you could just walk in. If I was a zombie, I wouldn't rip my clothes and put blue on my lips. No. I would actually try and appear normal. And also,

what are they buried in? Well, I'm struggling with that and I'm not a zombie. I don't, they seem to be buried in cagoules and stuff like that. The zombies.

Yeah, it's like they've dressed from a thrift store, isn't it? Why do they walk so slowly? Hurry up! They bury people in bomber jackets. You'd think it'd be at least smart cash or in the grave. But they all look like they've been... They look like hooded youths. Well, this is your point, Frank, about the clothes that the ghosts wear, essentially.

I imagine the ghosts look down on the zombies as a bit lazy. You know, come as you are. I mean, yeah, they're a work in progress. That's how the ghosts see them. Yeah, they're like Territorial Army versus the real army. Exactly, yeah. Can they walk through walls? Can they buffalo?

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about zombies on Absolute Radio. Yeah, are you, either of you guys watch zombie movies? No, I can't say I do of course not I watched one it was it was not day of the dead

it was something one of those there was a lot of people eating I can't go into detail it was very very they're very hungry they have a lot of anger the zombies

Starving and I went to the toilet he's in the cinema I went to the toilet halfway through I remember the cubicle door wasn't locked

but it was just slightly ajar and I kicked it open to make sure there was basically no zombies in there is what I thought that's the state

it got me to I was terrified Thankfully no one in there that you smashed the door into. Well, they locked the door. Oh, they should have, yeah. It could have been Jerry Halliwell. Apparently he never locks the toilet door. Do you not like zombies because they frighten you?

I don't like horror films. For all the sci-fi and stuff I love, horror films properly frighten me. I got back, I remember, from watching Silence of the Lambs, and I had to park my car about 100 yards from my house. Couldn't park right next. And that's one of the scariest walks of my life. Oh, really?

Yes. I know what you're thinking, but I don't care. And then when you got in, did you eat liver and Chianti beans? No. Father beans. I don't know what Chianti beans even are. No, I'll tell you what he had. He had a steaklet.

That's what he likes. A square steaklet. I wish. He enjoys that. I've seen about three zombie films, is what I'm saying, and every one of them, there was a compound. Oh, right. Yeah, they was a compound. Oh, right. Yeah, they love a compound, the zombies.

Do they build spaces? If there's a zombie alert, do those go up quickly, though? Are they like flat-packed compounds? Or do most American towns have a compound? They always have the barbed wire surrounding them as well. But they have very high fences. Yeah.

And you can't go outside the compound. But I mean... I don't think your zombie is a natural leaper. I don't think they've got the body mechanics of the... Well, they're not very... But they're probably still ill.

Yeah. They're very poorly. If they were ill enough to die, they're not going to come out and be flea to foot. When you say ill enough to die, I mean, they didn't pass away peacefully in their sleep.

Who died? The zombies. Didn't they? I thought they died all sorts of different ways. I don't understand. Don't they get killed normally, zombies? Yeah. And that's why they will kill again.

I thought they were just the dead rising up. Is that specific? No, they attack. Listen, let me tell you about zombies. Oh, please do. I don't know if this is right, and I'm sure this will be a worse controversy than Spudgy Lime. I don't imagine there's a nerd out there that's going to correct you.

Isn't it vampire? No, it's the vampiric principle. So in order to become a zombie, you have to be attacked by another zombie, I believe. Well, then where do zombies start, though? Well, quite. Where do vampires start? You're a witness.

8, 12, 15. Where do zombies start, though? Well, quite. Where do vampires start? You're a witness. 8, 12, 15. Where do zombies start, though? You'll find, like, a man had a relationship with a bat somewhere in Eastern Europe, and it started off like that. Who hasn't? Who are we to judge? I bet that turned his sex life upside down. Ha, ha, ha!

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some boasting come in I'm going to be honest I think it's boasting 940 Frank, where I live is practically a compound I run a school sports ground in Guildford and I have two fences

I'm growing all my own veg shoots and my house runs on oil I'm ready to start my own town in the event of a zombie attack then I'd be a king King Chris that's good to know

where is it again? Guildford Guildford yeah that's where we should head in the event of a breakout I imagine it's a quite I've been there it's a genteel sort of

seems quite calm I always remember I used to go there in the I suppose it would have been in the 80 I always remember I used to go there in the I suppose it would have been in the 80s oh and I used to dream of seeing

Zola by training around the streets because she theoretically lived there did she was that

pre or post beard that would have been I don't think she had the beard very good that's how I view

your life now I think that was very beard that was very beard. Old Frank, who was beard and Pitch Invader flares, which I always liked. Oh, no, maybe I'd started doing comedy. Why else would I have been in Guildford? Guildford would have seemed like the other side of the universe.

Maybe there was a lady. A man living in Harbour in Birmingham. Yeah. So we've also had some zombie news as well. Yes. We've exposed our zombie ignorance. Well, we have. Zombies usually start, 362 says,

with a virus that infects a scientist or a lab worker and spreads from there. Okay. But how does it reach the dead? Well, I'll tell you exactly. What happens is 275 says, normally the first zombie gets infected by a man-made virus, then they infect others to become zombies

by biting, scratching and so on. So they don't actually... Like, and so on. But don't they rise from the ground? Don't they do that? 323 claims, I think the first zombie was bitten by a zombie god called a Zod

that descended for heaven somewhere. And then that bitten zombie went on to bite more people. That's from Taylor aged 11, also aged 11 and impeccably composed text message. Yeah, and good facts. Yeah.

No hint of the theories or the legend. Just, and good facts. Yeah. No hint of the theories or the legend. Just all presented as facts. I love it. So we're all happy about the zombies now. I'm not happy. I'm slightly terrified after the announcement. Yeah. We still don't know why they made that announcement.

No, it's weird, isn't it? But you would think that people would take it with a pinch of salt. I think it's one of those pranksters, isn't it? But you would think that people would take it with a pinch of salt. I think it's one of those pranksters, isn't it? It's like when you do your April Fool, except, to be fair to you, at least you do it on the appropriate day. When you said, I think the other year it was so that,

quick, come downstairs, the toilet's broken. Yes, or my car's been stolen. That was it. Oh, that's terrible. Or, of course, the one that went most wrong. I've been offered a TV show with Gok Wan, in which I wear avant-garde outfits, walk around northern towns.

And it's called Why Are You Wearing That? And Kat said to me, I think we might have to end our relationship. You're not the person I thought you were. Never as an April Fool. Actually, they probably have gone end our relationship. You're not the person I thought you were. Never has an April Fool's actually they probably have gone worse than that. But yeah, that was quite bad. 8, 12, 15 if yours did.

8, 12, 15. No, because we don't want ones that involve fatalities. Come on, it's not our song. No, exactly. Pond? Yes. What am I saying yes to? Any ideas? See, people could take that yes in yes what am I saying yes to? any ideas?

see people could take that yes in isolation and superimpose it on a check easily would that work? download it I don't think so by the way is this what

no no I'm being waved at I must I've got something to plug something that's happening on Absolute Radio tonight. I mentioned it, and that was an aid to memoir for the producer. Okay. Okay.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still getting zombie info in, but before I forget, I think Big Daddy's got a bit of a special thing on tonight, Al.

Oh, yes, yes. At 10 o'clock on Absolute Radio tonight, and also 8 o'clock tomorrow night, I'm interviewing Roger Daltrey. I mean, come on. Ex-legend. Yes, indeed. Roger Daltrey, singer with The Who, of course.

Yeah. The Who. And yeah The Who and tremendous work someone had to it was you tremendous work it'll also be available as a podcast

he was so we can listen to it John Bishop was a really great chat and it was it was brilliant

I I really enjoyed it bit of overtime for you as well I can't wait bit of overtime for you as well I can't wait bit of overtime that'll look good next month when it comes through

do you know I'll never forget him on that Live Aid stage Pudding Week for me holidays great Pudding Week involving yeah I'm doing a bit of I'm doing an interview

with Roger Dalton imagine if I'd said that when I worked at Hughes Johnson Stamp in St Langley Green you're going to do some overtime yeah I'm going to interview with Roger Daltrey. Imagine if I'd said that when I worked at You's Johnson Stampings in Langley Green. You're going to do some overtime. Yeah, I'm going to interview Roger Daltrey. What? Carry on.

Can I just get a quick tease? Okay, it's a good job we've got the blinds up on that window. That's in the current timer. Yeah, exactly. That's in the current timer. Yeah, exactly. Did he... Is the hair still sort of luxuriant and curly? No.

Roger Daltrey? Respect to Mondo, to Roger Daltrey, because it's still curly because it naturally curls. He straightened it in the early days. He had great hair, always. Yeah. I don't wish to reduce the man. It's cut fairly short now.

He hasn't gone for the Brian May, please recognise me hairstyle. And, yeah, he just looks like... He's one of these... He sort of looks the right age, if you know what I mean. Age appropriate. Oh, I can't wait to listen to that. OK, I'm there. Good.

Back to zombies. What else? Yeah. Apparently, the king of zombies, Giorgio Romero, says when there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth. That might explain some of it, apparently. That's lovely.

You have a crowded thing there. It's ridiculous. It's everywhere, isn't it? I mean, I thought it was bad in London, but... In hell. Hell must be pretty busy after the recent move towards atheism. Oh, I don't know about that. Cramming, I mean. Absolutely cramming, I mean.

Oh, no. Come on, you two. Oh, no. Oh, no, you didn't. I'm not sure it's that recent, the move towards atheism. OK. Been knocking about for ages. Yeah, but it's grown in recent times. Yeah.

Bertrand Russell, right now. Yeah. He was in a minority. We're going to end the show on Bertrand Russell. Yeah, what's the matter? Absolute radio. Yeah. Ian Botterall has got in touch to say,

regarding zombies, there is no such thing. It's good to clear that up at the end. Get an afterlife. Ah, very good. Also, if there's anyone who's anxious, I don't think there is any evidence. No one is anxious. You don't know what kind of people we've got

listening out there. Fools. Oh my, absolute God. People who are nervous. No, I don't mean fools. Oh my absolute God. People who are nervous. Right, yeah, yeah. People who, I used to say, have a nervous disposition.

Yeah. We get all sorts, we get a steak, There could be children as well, listen. There are no zombies, you're all right. Don't have nightmares.

Yeah, exactly. Don't have nightmares, that's my advice. Oh, that's cleared up all the possible... The whole life now is a sort of anti-complaint tactic. For goodness sake. Anyway. Sometimes he gets glum about two hours and 58 minutes in.

Yeah. I think I'm having to apologise on the off chance. Yeah. I know, it's incredibly tiresome. It is. But, man's got to work. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly. I hope you did that in front of Roger Daltrey.

That was a summary of the show. Birds gotta swim. Obviously a reference to the Bird's Eye Steak Burger. Yeah. Steaklets. Yeah, and the birds, obviously, and the fish got a swim, obviously, to the pedicure fish. Yes. So it was a sort of a reverse version of the overture.

Yeah. I'm going to end it in a minute, don't worry, Daisy. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

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