The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Total Eclipse

Episode Date: March 21, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's been the week of the eclipse and the team share their thoughts. They also discuss Elton John's Dolce and Gabbana spat, the poo on the plane and who they think you shouldn't trust.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. I am Frank Skinner. Yes! And, um, still alive. And I'm on Absolute Radio this morning with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran, my compatriot.

And you can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Email, or send a cheque. I was going to say you can phone us, but I ended up saying, and everyone at home must have thought,

how dare you, and in the end I saved, I rescued it. Hello. Morning Jim, morning Peter. Ah, hello. Morning, morning Jim. Morning Peter. Morning Richie. Morning everyone. You said email and Emily sort of made a scornful noise. People don't email, but we have in fact had emails and one of them is entitled Frank's Handwriting. Last week you were talking about your new pen, weren't you? Thanks for that little summarising of my character there. Scornful.

I thought it was succinct. Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Love the show. Oh, shouldn't have read that bit. Frank's handwriting. This is from my milkman. Love the show, but would be grateful if you would up the work rate. The dogs have both a Saturday and a Sunday long,

and a single podcast only covers one of them. Given Frank's recent acquisition of blotting paper and a Sunday long and a single podcast only covers one of them. Given Frank's recent acquisition of blotting paper and a Qatari fountain pen, you did get sent a posh pen, didn't you? It was nothing to do with Qatar. No, I just pointed out imposed upon it. By me. I said it looked like the sort of

pen that a Qatari businessman might use. Slightly scornfully. Yes. Slightly accurately. Given your blotting paper and pen, he might like to check out the Idler Academy's handwriting course. Having had to handwrite a lot of letters in my last job, I finally realised that my writing skills still look like that of a 12-year-old's. I found this course, I'm now halfway through, I thoroughly recommend it.

They also do beginner's ukulele, gin and knitting, introduction to ancient philosophy, I could have done that for the Descartes, and a whole host of other... Not saying not ancient. They also do Beginner's Ukulele, Gin and Knitting, Introduction to Ancient Philosophy. I could have done that for the Descartes. And a whole host of other... Not to say not ancient. Again, another folk path. Oh, how embarrassing. Or as I always say, another folk's path.

What was that with that? Can I say, I'm all over Gin and Knitting? Yeah, that sounds good, doesn't it? Gin and Knitting. Anyway, thought you might be interested. Who is it? Who does these courses? The Idler. Well, the Idler Academy.

Okay. Yeah. I like the sound of that. I'd love to do some courses with you, Frank. We should do a course, shouldn't we? I had, you know, doctor's handwriting is traditionally awful. I had a posh doctor for a while. He was rubbish.

But anyway, he was posh. And he came round to see my, I was ill, he came round my house and had three glasses of wine. He was rubbish. But anyway, he was posh. And he came round to see my... I was ill. He came round my house and had three glasses of wine. He did? He did. I was 70s. I love that doctor. I was 70s. He said, do you mind if I smoke, love? Anyway, he...

He... He wrote beautifully. He wrote a prescription for me and he had beautiful copper plate handwriting, I think they called it. I said, you've got... He said, yes, when I did handwriting at school, I rather tried. And then he said, in fact, I was taught handwriting by Traitor Blunt's brother. Really?

You know Sir Anthony Blunt? Sir Anthony Blunt. Oh, really? It was one of the people in the... Yes. Who'd been a Russian spy for years. And he casually called him Traitor Blunt? He was one of the people in the... Yes. He'd been a Russian spy for years. And he casually called him Traitor Blunt. As if that was his given name.

Imagine if you were called that, Traitor Skinner. There's only posh people listening. I mean no animosity. I embrace all people. We're all God's chillen. There's only posh people listening. Call me. Yeah.

If there's only posh people listening, I'll be surprised. Well, they won't be up, you see. Oh, won't they? They'll be on the land. Oh, actually, they could be. They'll be on the land, Frank. They could be out dispatching a bit of wildlife. But they won't do it with, they won't have earplugs in,

because you've got to hear them rustling in the undergrowth. Yeah. I love I Rather Tried. Yes. That's a good epitaph, isn't it? I Rather Tried. Yes. That's a good epitaph, isn't it? I Rather Tried, yes. Lovely. Okay, that's me sorted. How about you two?

Now I've worked out what I'm going to put on that cake I'm getting for Jeremy Clarkson for his farewell do. You better make it rosé flavoured. Oh, do you think? Well, that's his fave. He loves rosé. I bet he gets the red corners in the mouth. You better make it rosé flavoured. Oh, do you think... Well, that's his fave. He loves rosé. I bet he gets the red corners in the mouth.

You know that? You know when people get white stuff in the corner and it's actually red because of the wine? Oh, man, that's something else. I don't want to think about him like that. Look, there's lots of more faves you can go to where there's none of that. That's true.

You've got more options with Clarko. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So I went to see the eclipse. Oh, did you? Yesterday.

It's Where did you view it from? I viewed it from a place called Parliament Hill which is on Hampstead Heath in North London I'm opening this out now for our listeners from other parts of the country

I know you know it talking to the north really it's a beautiful place very popular with the homosexuals. Oh, Frank. Well, it is. It just is. What, during the eclipse? Well, I'm afraid if they wanted cover of darkness, it never quite came.

No, it didn't. Was that a good place to watch? The best places were the Faroe Islands and Norway and Frank's penthouse flat, I believe. Actually, apparently the best place was on an easy jet flight that deliberately flew so that people could get a good view of it. I'm not going to get on a plane to see. I ain't getting on that plane.

Right, Mr T. We're here to be working with Mr T, Al. Yeah, the lost solar eclipse episode. Actually, he didn't like my fountain pen, Mr T. He would have. Likes it. It was made for him. No, but they don't encourage you, do they, with the eclipse? I mean, they say there's this big thing

that's only going to happen every 22 years or something of that nature, and it's a amazing thing. Don't look at it, though. Don't look at it. Put a hole in a piece of cardboard and then hold another piece of cardboard and watch it reflected i wasn't watching on the telly yeah if i'm not going to see it luckily i absolutely hate

eclipses honestly i know you mean no they've never done i don't frank one has never delivered in my life in my lifetime hang on when you said one house that sounds a bit posh i'd rather tried one has never delivered no i just think the moon is a bit of a buzzkill anyway and i've the amount of times i've sat there waiting for an eclipse and nothing's happened an apollo 11 reference um he's still alive, Aldrin. I mean, let's be honest, was anyone overwhelmed by the eclipse?

Well, I didn't see it. When I say I went to see, it was dense. I had my bin liner in my pocket. What was the bin liner for? That must have looked attractive. You didn't have a bin liner in your pocket. Yes, because that's... Is that just for excrement on Parliament Hill? No.

You're doubling it up for... Yes, because some dog owners don't pick it up. If I see a dog doing one, I'll put the whole animal in there. Also, he needs to save it up for the Sony judges. What if you did that? He starts collecting it now. What if you walked around... If you walked around parks with bin liners

and if you saw a dog having a poo, you just put the whole thing in, the dog poo and everything. Three-house bricks straight in the lake. Done. No, so I went, I took my bin. A bin liner is the best, well, don't quote me on this. If anyone's thinking of watching...

Best slash cheapest. When the next one comes in 22 years' time, don't say, well, it's set on Absolute Radio, this is all right. The last time I saw an eclipse, which was a proper one, again on Parliament Hill, no cloud cover, I watched it through a bin liner. Oh. And it takes, obviously it takes some of the...

I learnt this, I was doing a production of Endgame in the 1950s, you know, with the dustbins. Uh-huh. this, I was doing a production of Endgame in the 1950s, you know, the dustbins. And I was using the bin liner for motivational work. I love how inclusive this is. I was doing a production of Endgame. And it's Saturday morning Beckett fans. And we were playing the Grand Theatre

in Bikini Atoll. And I watched nuclear testing through a bin liner and it was no more than an undipped headlight. So that's how I learned. One of the silliest lies you've ever told. I never lie, ever. I turned up with my bin liner, and it was just dense, dense cloud.

I wouldn't have minded, but I've got conjunctivitis. Can you answer a question? I could have watched the whole thing through a curtain of posse. It wouldn't have even hurt. Frank, please don't tell me you were on your own with the bin liner, because I'm walking. No. Did you go on your own with the bin liner?

No, I had Boz with me. I had my life partner. Boz Kill. I had my mother-in-law. Yeah. My mo-in-law. My life partner, right, Elton John. Yeah, so we were all set for it i thought i said to you know bars this is a very special moment so he looked at the clouds

as well for an hour then we went home so there's like 200 people there all just looking at nothing oh it's like a 1950s day out. You know what I mean? It's science. People going about science being really interesting. That's what it's normally like, standing about. A lot of people with coloured hair up there. Never seen so many people with coloured hair gathered since I was last at a festival. It's the Geeks, isn't it? The nerdy ones.

It was when Dylan played Isla White. Oh, yeah, back then. God, I was the one. I don't know if you remember that picture of me. I was topless, sitting on a black shoulder, with a body paint encircling my nipples. Yeah, no, I was young. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some advice in. This is coming from Tom from the Royal Observatory. He says, do not look at the sun through a bin liner. He doesn't elaborate. This is conjunctivitis. It's not aqueous and vitreous humour that's split out of my eyeball. He could just mean that it's a bit of a common thing to do.

Yeah, he could just mean, or you'll put big telescopes out of business. He could mean that. What about that? What if he's thinking about shop receipts at the observatory? Actually, Tom, it's nice of you to... I love the Greenwich Observatory. I went to an exhibition there about time. One of the, say, top four exhibitions I've been to in my...

Of all time? Exactly. What about that sex museum in amsterdam you love that my point in a nutshell as i say on any cold morning so yeah so i was on hampshire oh there was two dog fights while we were waiting for the city eclipse it wasn't completely wasted time people are so poor with dog fights nowadays. When they had dog fights when I was a kid, someone would always come out of a house with a broom and they would, you know, they'd physically separate the dogs.

This is this fighting. If they were having the noctures, they used to throw cold water over them. But for fighting, they used to... I like the idea of a Doberman pincher having the nuptials. Probably not the right word, but it's early in the morning. I had to come up with something clean. I'd rather it was inaccurate grammatically or semantically than it was rude.

But they'd throw cold water over those. But it always was the broom for the fight. But now people just go, um, butch, butch, butch, butch, butch, butch, the thing's ripping this thing apart, butch. Yeah, but they were talking to George Michael at the time. Exactly. It was in the bushes.

It was in the bushes. Yeah. Ah, dear. Two different dog fights. Yeah, two separate, two different, including four participants, not one dog who was just going around causing trouble. What have they got to fight about? They don't do anything.

They don't even have opinions. Yeah, they do nothing. What do they fight about? I think they were mainly fighting about Frank trying to put them fully into a bin bag. Poo and everything. Kat said to me that people have absolutely no control over their dogs at all. They just go, you know, Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul!

And the thing, it doesn't make any difference at all. 740, Ian Angle. Emily, I don't think you like being eclipsed full stop. That's a good point. Thank you, Ian Angle. And what's clever about that, of course, is there is an element of full stop in an eclipse. Looks like a full stop moving into place.

I'm sure Ian had that in mind. I was on the phone. Oh, sorry. I was on the phone during the eclipse. Oh, 90s. Yeah. What, the landline? Yeah.

Oh, God. Remember those? Yeah. I was in Manchester, and I was on the phone to someone in London who was complaining that they couldn't see it properly, and in Manchester we got a better view of it than London, which always feels like a victory for the North-South divide.

Well, we were sitting, I was a man sitting on a bench in Hampstead Heath, and a lady, she held an iPhone that had got other smartphones available, held it up, and she had Sky News News on and you could see the eclipse. And she said, a really good view of it, she said, that's from Leicester. And I thought, this is the only person who's ever sat on Hampstead Heath and thought, I wish I was in Leicester. Oh, bang.

If you're from Leicester, God bless you all. If I said that, I'd be in terrible trouble. You know they always say the economy lost, you know, 500 million because of people taking time off work, they said, to view the eclipse. I never understand. I never believe that. You know we don't believe hypnosis and fainting on this show. I don't believe that. I don't believe the economy lost 500 million because one estate agent was 10 minutes late into the office. And does the National Grid say that when it gets dark with the eclipse, everyone puts their lights on as a massive op search?

Yeah, I think people put the kettle on to sit down and watch it. I think there's a lot of that sort of thing, isn't there? That's what they reckon. But don't they go outside? All they need is a thermos. You're right, you're right. They should stagger the use of the electricity. I, um...

I didn't... It didn't go dark. Not only was it cloudy, but it didn't really go dark. It did in my bedroom, but that's another story. It sounds like you didn't have a great eclipse. I had a rubbish eclipse. They're very unreliable. I googled it to... That's what I've told you, they're rubbish, Frank. I googled it to find out when it was, and quite a lot of the newspaper sites,

you know, like the Guardian and Sky and all the sort of news sites, said, see the eclipse update moment by moment. What's that on a newspaper? Like on The Guardian. No, I was... What are they saying? Oh, a bit more shade. A bit more.

But the truth is... Bit of light at the other side now. Get the bin liners out. But the truth is, I was quite excited by it, to see. I would have really liked to have seen it. Yeah. But it's hit and miss. It's the truth of it. Yeah.

We sung Total Eclipse of the Heart. Did you? And then we had a bit of a row because my boyfriend got the lyrics wrong and I won't tolerate that. But did he change them to fit planets and things? No, he just kept saying things like go around bright eyes. That's wrong. It's turn around. I won't tolerate that.

No, quite right. Go around bright eyes was, I think, what Paul Simon said when they were putting together the set for that reunion thing in Central. Let's go around bright eyes. I don't think people really like that much. And Art said, what do you mean? What do you mean? No, I like said. What are you talking about?

People loved that song. Sounded a bit like Paul Gascoigne at the start of that, didn't he? What did it? Yeah, he does sound a bit like Paul Gascoigne. Does he? Yeah. Watch out, Colshaw. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I met John Hurt last night. Sir John Hurt. Exciting. The war doctor. The war doctor? Yeah, he was the war doctor in Doctor Who, but I thought...

He has done some other work in fairness. No, he's done lots of stuff. And I'll tell you something. He did something that changed my life. He did a TV show called The Naked Civil Servant, which was about Quentin Criss. Yes. And I said to him, I thought, this is my chance. And I said, you know,

people say telly's trivial and stuff. I said, but I watched that programme when I was a youth, and it changed my life. Before it, I was homophobic, and after it, it changed my mind. And, um... Strange thing to admit on a commercial breakfast. Well, you know, I was, past tense.

And he said, and he was a really nice bloke. And I said, after all that, and he said, yeah, you know, we didn't realise at the time, it was a very special, other people said this to me and stuff. And it was really,

I was really glad to tell him that. And then he said, and I said, I've got to tell you, I'm also a massive Doctor Who fan. He went, ha, ha, ha, went and walked off so that was that but that was exciting so um um on in another area of my life i was doing a crossword with my mother-in-law oh it's a very modern joke this is on the express 1953 and we do a lot of crosswords together. It's one of our things. This is my mother-in-law.

She's also my friend. Mother-in-law stroke friend. Which crossword is it? She's my milf. You're going cryptic. She's my milf. Mother-in-law friend. Oh, God.

What? What are you looking at me like that for? Yeah, that's what it always means. So, um... I suspect you're rather good at crosswords. Well, she's also very good. Is she? Together, we're one hell of a team. Uh-huh.

We're a bit like, um, Navratilova and Peter... Sampras? Pete, no. Who was her partner? Well, her civil partner. No. Peter. I don't want to go into that.

On the court, two mixed doubles. Oh, I can't remember. I never saw him do anything else, court, two mixed doubles. Oh, I can't remember. I never saw him do anything else, but he was very good. Oh, was he? Anyway, let's not. Someone will tell us. Someone will tell us. They know everything.

But I suspect because of your no Googling training, that's why I think you'd be good at crosswords. You have a disciplined mind. Well, I love a crossword. Is it cryptic? Oh, by the way, can I just... Let me just bookmark that. We were talking. There was a man...

We have to watch the television in here in case the Queen dies. And there was... Because we have to let you know straight off. You know, I know you're finding that out in the pub. No, not when you've been listening all morning. No. And also, we'd have to change the whole tone of the show.

I'd play mainly military music. Have you seen it? Military music and Queen. That's what we'd have to change the whole tone of the show. I'd play mainly military music. Military music and Queen. I'd read tennis and poetry and then we'd play military music. And then we'd play Fat Bottom Girls. I wouldn't play Queen under any circumstances. The show's going to get cancelled. We've got the clocks. Anyway. Honestly.

I'm happy she's still alive, obviously. She's a fine woman. Lovely gloves. I've touched her gloves. Am I right? Just get on with it. Okay. I forgot what I thought of it.

There was a man on who had what the Americans call a pinky ring, which is a ring on his little finger. Yeah. Yes. And if I see someone who's got a ring on their little finger, I think twice about them. And the reason is with this, and I'm based solely on one thing,

and that is I was watching an episode of Laverne and Shirley when I was about 14. I don't know if you remember Laverne and Shirley. Show me your schlamazel, how's the feather incorporated? Da-da-da-da-da-da. Was it about Scousers? It turned out, no, it was an American.

It was from the same stable as Happy Days and Mork and Mindy. Oh, OK, yeah. Anyway, and one of them said, never trust a man in a pinky ring. And I took that as being, you know, and it's had an effect on me. I think the last time we talked about this, we compiled a big list of things that we then had to retract a lot of

because it just felt a bit mean, didn't it? People were saying, I've got a pinky ring, I'm all right. Yeah, but I'm not saying it's about the person, it's about how you respond to them. Oh, yeah. We talked about this before. Oh, yeah. My dad used to say, never trust a man who doesn't drink.

Never trust anyone who doesn't drink. Never trust a man who doesn't like football. Right. You can get a little picture of my dad, kind of. Just from those two sentences but i would be interested if anyone else has got any rules that they look out for because i think before we were just talking about to spot a bad person but i'm on about just something that makes you a little uneasy yeah trust i'm talking about trust oh okay oh i've got yeah never trust a man with a boot cut frayed jean. Yeah. Richard Hammond. I'm against the umbrella. I just think get wet. Do you think

that? That's what the samurai code says. Yeah, totally. It says don't run from Eve to, um, to balcony. Just get wet. Just accept you're going to get wet and just embrace it. You know, I am something of the samurai. Yeah, you've got a bit of that about you. Yeah, I'm not sure about the ponytail. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Frank, you were instructing us earlier

never to trust a man with a pinky ring. Yeah, I don't know if I... I'm not saying that it's valid, but I know it's in me not to because of that, because of Laverne and Shirley. Well, our readers, being a join-in type, they've joined in. So 472 says never trust a man carrying a dog. The emphasis there should be carrying a dog, I think. Yeah. Would you agree with that?

Well, this isn't a reference to me putting the whole thing in a bin line. Do you mean like a lap dog? I worry about, I mean, one is making a statement when you carry one of those. But I've sort of changed my mind about this. Because if you saw a man with a little French poodle, you used to think, oh, for goodness sake. But now I think, how lovely that this man can have one of these silly little dogs

and not trying to prove himself with a big Rottweiler or something. Like, once is so many men trying to do this. It's like a man driving a small car. Mm, exactly. When David Coulthard told me he had a smart car. Oh, he'll be paid for that, though. Yeah, he has to have the side windows open to get his jaw in.

This very morning I saw somebody driving a quite powerful vehicle with a lap dog in their arms. I love it when you do topical. This very morning. They were driving. That can't be allowed. You can't hold a phone. You can hold a dog.

I mean, they'd already gone, but if they'd been at some lights, I would have performed a citizen's arrest, because that is not in the highway. Well, you would have had your hand written off. I would have used my iPhone to make a little viral. I made some money. I'd have used my conjunctivitis to make some viral. Go and get those eye drops.

It'd make me feel sick. 5-5-6, I'm always suspicious of people who choose not to shorten their names, despite a perfectly acceptable shortened alternative existing, e.g. the Peters, Williams and Christophers of the world. Get real. I like get real. That is a

very good point, because there is a certain people are that touchy about their name i must admit that's a good one i'm happy with that one i'm calling that prissy when people do that i'm not delighted by al i'll be honest you're not i've called you al a million times you've never said anything yeah i never said that i was upset by it i just i'm not delighted by it i don't know you don't like which is a perfectly acceptable nickname what about i don't mind the cockerel let's not shorten it but you don't like look like sport, which is a perfectly acceptable nickname. I don't mind the Cockcroll, Matt. Let's not shorten it. You don't like Lecoq Sportif?

I do like that. You complained about? People never shorten the other bit. What if we said Un instead of Alan? Yeah, yeah, that would be a bit of fun, yeah. Frank loves shortening a name. Frank's the only person I know who calls David Baddiel Dave. He's so not a Dave.

But see, having just sat down, trust a man who doesn't shorten his name. Maybe we shouldn't have brought up David Baddiel Dave. He's so not a Dave. But see, having just said, don't trust a man who doesn't shorten his name, we shouldn't have brought up David Baddiel. No, I find it, oh, David, it's such a mouthful. Two syllables. Life's too short. Yeah, you're right. When I was watching the Eclipse pod the other day,

whenever I, I remember this last time I saw an eclipse. I always imagine the cavemen. Oh, yeah. When they... Because they didn't know what it was. Mm-hm. And imagine them being out on the plane and one of them going, don't look now.

But how amazing that must have been. And the other one going, I haven't got a bin bag to watch this through. No, because they didn't have bin bags. They were reckless with Refuge. What did they do with the Refuge? They ate it. It was very little packaging in the cave Monday.

As I understand it. Where does that come from? The cave Monday. I don't know. I'll tell you where it's from. Everybody Loves to Be a Cat. Walt Disney song. Oh, yeah.

From Aristocats. Oh, Walt Disney and his political correctness. Square and a horn can make you a woman. Maybe I'll do this off-air. Yeah, I think you should. The cave Monday. Let's do an off-air. Off-air, darling. Okay, I'll do this off-air. Yeah, I think you should. The caveman days. Let's do an off-air. Off-air, darling.

Okay, I'll do an off-air. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is still Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 8-12-15. A lot of people have this morning. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. I don't know if they've done that.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We actually have got a couple of different text-ins running, haven't we? One of them is, who do you not trust? Well, it's signs. You kick-started this. Signs that would make you mistrust someone. 328 has texted, never trust somebody who smiles all the time, like that Dr Brian Cox.

I suspect the ends of their mouth are tied around their ears. Some people are very smiley, aren't they? He does smile a lot. He's just unnaturally smiley. Yes. Can you still say simple? He looks a bit simple. Hank? He's very clever, though Can you still say simple? He looks a bit simple. Hank?

He's very clever, though, isn't he? He is. He's actually, clearly, he's very complicated, but he looks simple. I envy those people, because my natural expression is quite dour, isn't it? Yes. Oh, God, yes. But I think that probably... Well, your expression's dour, but your heart is pure.

Yeah. I'd say you're fairly dour on the inside. Really sunny disposition. Do you know what i'd say alan cochran is or look sportif as he prefers he's one of those he's like a character in a film the grumpy old man and you find out he's been secretly donating to the orphanage all along like um jack nicholson and in that film with um helen yes i have no idea what you're talking about but yes In that film with Helen... Yes. I have no idea what you're talking about, but yes.

No, I do know what you mean, Frank. As good as it gets, maybe. Yes, yes, yes. I haven't seen that. What about Tim Leeson? I don't trust Nick Grimshaw, he says. Yeah, I was thinking of more general traits than the individual. Although we could turn it out to individuals.

No, let's not do that. Just for a bit of fun. James Finneran has tweeted us, don't trust anybody, less problems. Well, yes, but it's a bleak view, James. I know what you mean. Elizabeth, small men who drive

fast cars, anyone who votes UKIP, and people from Smedic. Wow. I don't know if you can say that. Quite a list. It is, yeah. And I certainly can't agree with Pete. Some of my best friends, etc, etc, vote you, Kip. I mean, I'm in off on Smedley. Oh, God.

Can we cut that live? You're joking. Is it? What about that bit of Matt Hampstead? Oh, that's gone out. Still live after all this time. Claire has texted, Like Frank, my mum always said never trust a man in a pinky ring,

but also wearing brown suede shoes at the same time. Oh, you see, I'm a big fan of it. In fact, this morning, this very morning. That's one of the reasons I read that. That clump was me putting my foot on the counter. Is it a counter? Would you call it a counter? The desk. I'm loving those shoes.

Something of the Cornish pasty about those shoes. I'll tell you what these shoes are. I'll be straight with you. Obviously it's a desert boot. But you'll notice it's a bit wider. A bit wider than your average. You know why? Because they've been slightly redesigned by Liam Gallagher. Are they pretty green?

He's webbed toes, he's got. You should see him swim. He's like a torpedo. Frank, when you put your shoe up on the counter, I'm calling it counter like we work in Open All Hours, your manager craned his neck to examine the shoe to see if they were tax-deductible. I think he was just reassured

that I could still get my leg on the desk, that there's a few years of earning in me yet. Yeah. He was just reassured that I could still get my leg on the desk, that there's a few years of earning in me yet. Yeah. He was probably thinking, I wonder if they're going to do tumble again. Let's get ready to tumble. Yes. You'd be good on that.

You and a leotard, hello. He'll have me on Stars In Their Eyes doing Sporty Spice. I'm in an impression. What about Judith, who's emailed us to say Hi guys I went on a fourth date last week With a bloke who turned up in a long leather coat Never trust a guy in a full length leather He's five foot nine and stocky

I was shocked to say the least And we didn't have a fifth date Say no more But did you go Matrix That's what you have to do you're listening to

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across the UK on digital radio mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM Absolute Radio I was talking about when computers stopped Feast on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

I was talking about when computers stopped having names. And I've just, my boyfriend's just texted me, which isn't newsworthy in itself. You sure you want to read this out? Yeah. I'm going to risk it. Does it begin, ooh, baby? No.

OK. You going out with Frank Spencer or something? It's, He says, Hal is named after the three letters that come before the letters IBM, boring but true. Well... Oh, I never knew that. I'm interested in that. Far be it for me to disagree,

but other texters have given other answers, I must say. Have you seen my boyfriend's brain? They've not directly texted to the people on the show. They've texted the show. 990's texted, Hal equals heuristically programmed algorithmic computer. I don't like programmed in there, do you? I don't believe that.

That's the thing a kid has made up. Yeah, I suppose that makes it difficult. And then they say that Arthur C. Clarke only realised afterwards that one letter on from Hal is IBM and said if he'd known, he'd have changed it. Oh. So there. What about Home at Last?

Home at Last? That's my answer. 054 has mentioned Kit. Oh, yes. I suppose he was a computer, yeah. Night Industries 2000, it stood for. Oh, and also I was wondering what we should call this. I said it was an acronym.

We've had an email saying an acronym is an abbreviation that you can pronounce, e.g. NIMBY or KITT, good example. Otherwise, it's just called an abbreviation, e.g. RSPCA. Yeah, but as I was on about Ernie, that was an acronymation, e.g. RSPCA. Yeah, but that's what I was on about Ernie, that wasn't accurate. Yeah. You were right on this occasion. Yes, indeed. And someone had one from Countdown as well. That's right. The computer on Countdown

that generates the random numbers used to be called Cecil, which stood for Countdown's electronic calculator in Leeds. I love in Leeds. You see, those were the days with Cecil. Now it's all short skirts and all sorts. But now... Progress, you might say.

Now it's suggested that they had other computers, didn't it? Yeah. That's our one in Leeds, but we've got them all over the place. Yeah, Cecil, the countdown's electronic calculator in Wakefield. It's odd that they tend not to have names now, whereas we call them personal computers, but in fact we're less personal with them. Well, there's too many of them now.

Well, I'm registered under my birth name, Christopher Collins, on my computer thing. Oh, thanks for that. Got the password. And sometimes it says to me, Hello, Christopher. And I always. And sometimes it says to me, um, hello, Christopher. And I always think, you don't know me. Imagine how vexed you'd be

if they put hello, Chris. Or Toffer. I just don't want that kind of... Hello, Toff. That, um, say, you know, the paperclip man. Yeah. I don't want that level of familiarity.

Oh, the one who does the dances? Yeah. Get out of my life. Mind your own business. I'm coping. I'll call you if I need you. Hmm. I say, hmm.

In fact, I'm going to go as far as to say, harumph. I said harumph. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Can you two talk for a bit? I'm going to get my eye drop put in by Daisy. Really? I'll be on, Mike, but I'll have to lean back a bit.

I'll just run straight down my face. It's this eye. This eye. This is gross. Have you noticed that that reflection... This is the strangest sequel to nine and a half weeks I've ever seen in my life. That reflection on the ceiling looks exactly like

the Empire of the Sun poster. Never trust a man who has eye drops put in on a commercial record show. How long do I have to keep my head back? Three hours. This is disgusting. Just for three hours. That's a nightmare.

It's going to make for good radio. Perhaps I should have left the instructions. What if I get underneath the microphone like this? Oh, that's good. Now I'm operating completely underneath the microphone. This is terrible, Wayne. This is like Wayne's World or something. I've lost my bearings completely being upside down there for a minute.

I think the scriptwriters have gone mad this week. I really do. Where are the scriptwriters? Program associates? I don't know, but one of them's got a really bad eye. I think that's where he got his ideas for this week's show. You haven't put nearly enough drops in, Frank. You need to do three times that amount.

It said two drops. Three times? Two drops every four hours. Three times? It's not having a shower in eye drops, is it? Most of that ran out. I've got no room in my eye. It also says don't take these while operating heavy machinery,

but do I obey that now? You're still going to drive the desk, aren't you? I'm going to drive the desk. The trouble is with my eye, it's quite curved, so it doesn't naturally take liquid. Well, that's your eye, is it? Everybody else has got flat eyes, haven't they? If it was concave, obviously it'd just sit there and I couldn't marinate.

I noticed you didn't say that when you stood underneath that vodka sculpture. Oh, those were the days. An abbreviation is a shortening of a longer word. An acronym that you can't pronounce as a word is called an initialism, like NSPCC. Hashtag get it right, we've been told off by 870. Get it right! What happened then? Sorry, that's my little take me out moment. The computer on Family Fortunes was called Mr. Babbage.

It was. It was. Charles Babbage. Yeah. Yes. Creator of the first mechanical analytical engine. Excellent. Well, I'll go to our house. That's from PIL Paul in Leeds. Oh, lovely, Al. I just got that. So, as a reference to Cecil, probably can be limited as well. Yeah. Oh, Frank, what about Dame Elton John this week?

Oh, he's had a week, hasn't he? Oh, she's had a week, hasn't she? She has had a week. Can we say that? Yes. Okay. With my fan base, of course I can. He's been angry. There was an incident with... He gets very angry, doesn't he, EJ? Yeah. He's quick to ire. There was a bit of an incident with Stefano and Domenico. Dolce and Gabbana. Yes, that's what you call them. What are they not called? Stefano and Domenico. Dolce and Gabbana. Yes, that's what you call them. What are they not called?

Stefano and Domenico. Those are their names. Is that how you know them? Okay. Yeah. Well, I'm not happy with what they said. Dolce was such a nice bloke, wasn't he, when he sang Shut Up, Be Your Face? Yes.

Yeah, now he's got very catty. Yeah. It was rather extraordinary what they said. Yeah, it was out of order. Yes. Probably. I would agree with that. It's our feeling.

Well, Elton said, and I quote on a text, your archaic thinking is out of step with the times, just like your fashions. Yeah. That is a scene. That is harsh, especially coming from a man who's never, ever at home in a shell suit. Yes.

And I suspect... But wow. And then he said he was going to boycott them, which, let's face it, any designer, the idea of Elton John

boycotting your clothes, that's a black day. Yeah. Um, they, he was seen, though, out with a D&G bag.

Reebok must be worried. Good day for the Adidas. What was that about? What was that all about? He was out with the Dolce and, uh... Well, I'll tell you what it was all about. It turned out the whole spat the day before was just handbags at dawn. Oh!

Excellent work. Do you think, Al, do you think they sent him a freebs as a sorry? I mean, I know sorry seems to be the hardest word. Yes. But I wondered whether they'd sent him a freebs. Maybe. It was pointed, wasn't it, that he carried that bag? He got some from those Indian clothes designers as well,

who were called sorry seems to be the hardest word. Sorry, that was rubbish. But, you know, it's out there now. Apparently it's live. We'll stop with it. No, but the bag. He's got this thing, hashtag boycott Dolce & Gabbana, and then he's out with the bag the next day.

Although I wondered if he was just putting the bins out. Like, when we use, like, sometimes we'll use a kitchen bin bag that says Sainsbury's or a Tesco's or something, and maybe that's just what Elton's got lying around. He was on his way to a recording studio. Oh, was he? What was he taking to the recording studio? He doesn't put the rubbish out. He's like a cave what Elton's got lying around. He's on his way to a recording studio. Oh, was he? Yes. What was he

taking to the recording studio? He doesn't put the rubbish out. He's like a caveman. He eats the whole thing. Not anymore. I'm looking forward to hashtag boycott Dolce & Gabbana except the bags. Yeah. Which clearly he finds quite spacious and durable. I mean, I had

tremendous sympathy with everything he said this week, because I didn't agree with Stefano and Domenico, even though I'm on first-name terms with them. However, I do think he's not someone... You wouldn't like him when he was angry, would you? No. Yeah, he gets so gnarky, doesn't he? I bet the voice goes...

What did he say? Elton, really, could tell your language. If I see that Dolce & Gabbana... That's what he's like. He can't be tamed. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. That's what he's like. He can't be tamed. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. 736 says, Hi, Frank. Me and about 20 mates had a good eclipse event. We flew above the clouds to about 15,000 feet, then we all jumped out. Possibly the best view anybody got. That's the Ch chatteris skydive

club wow i mean did they did they descend in darkness i don't know i suppose for a bit of their skydive it must have been they'd want to stay up there to watch the actual eclipse so i see i'd be a bit frightened about seeing it that close up. I think you might be struck. You might be struck by the planet. What is the planet that's going past it? Don't ask me. I hate eclipses. We've established this.

Is it the moon going across it? Yes, the moon, isn't it? The moon should be in bed. Yes. At that time of the day. That's why it's so amazing, isn't it, that the moon's out? That's one of the reasons that we all watch it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the moon's out that's that's one of the reasons that we all watch it oh yeah yeah the moon's out this is why science that's what i told you the moon is it's called the cooler if it goes to a party because no one likes the moon sun's great moon is

the sun hasn't even got a face the moon's got a proper face on it. Terrible skin, though. We're back to the computers again. When did planets stop having faces? Moon needs a facial. That's a good texting. How's it in other planets with faces? We'll get the writers to work on that.

Elton John, she's not done. Can you call them that? Yes Okay These are my people Okay You said that before It's fun I'm finding it fun

Frank seems tense about it Um The Mother I like it When homosexuals do I always find it hilarious When they say Oh here she comes

I mean I find that hilarious Yes But um I feel No I'm female I have diplomatic immunity You can't say it I can No I don't feel like to say it You've got to walk the walk diplomatic immunity you can't say it, I can. No, I don't feel like saying it

you've got to walk the walk and I can't walk the walk at my age. No. Not without talcum powder. Anyway Dame Elton has fallen out with his mum. Yes, I'm sad to hear that. That is sad. It was her 90th birthday

well apparently she said something, I don't know what she did but she offended his partner David Furnish. Well, apparently she said something. I don't know what she did, but she offended his partner, David Furnish. Oh. I hope she didn't bring up the list of producing jobs. Isn't that awful? But that's exactly what I think that might have happened. I have to say... I think she got up the IMDB.

Pardon? She got up the IMDB. Is that another acronym? Well, is she a medical person. No, that's that page, isn't it, which has everyone's production credits. I've got to tell you this, and I've met David Furnish about four or five times, and he is truly a really, really nice bloke. Oh, he's charming.

Really nice bloke. Elton obviously can be a bit spiky, but David Furnish is a nice man. In my experience. But you know, the partner's never good enough for the son. That's a long tradition. But she went to quite extreme lengths, didn't she?

She hired an Elton John tribute act for her birthday party. There's something a bit slightly tragic about it. I mean, tragic in the profound sense. Your son doesn't turn up, so you hire... Who else would do that? Well, you say that. I hired a Baddiel and Skinner tribute act for my first year.

We would have come. You could have gone, I was for 20 quid. Each. What would your tribute act be called? Actually... Yeah, Three Lions. Skadiel and Binna.

Nice. Yeah. Just flip it. Three Lions, Three Liars. Nice. Yeah, just flip it. Three lions, three liars. Okay, so... I like the fact that Elton John said that he couldn't go because he was on tour. No, a spokesperson said that.

A spokesperson said he can't be there if he's got a show. And you think, well, he knew when his mum's birthday was coming up before the tour. It's not like the birthday caught him on the hop, is it? Mum's 90th. Yeah. It was... She was described, by the hop, is it? I was 90th. Yeah. It was... She was described, by the way, in the Daily Mail,

I don't know if you saw this, as the singing sensation's mother, Sheila Fairbrother. When's the last time he was called the singing sensation? I mean, don't get me wrong, he's a very successful big star. Yes. But singing sensation is like someone who's just emerged, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, that was a long time ago, wasn't it?

It's what they sort of think, they usually call, you know, the Benny and the Jets star. That's what they used to call them. They give them a name. Do you know Benny and the Jets? Mm. What a party that was. I had to burn those clothes.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran together The Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran text us on 81215 tweet us on

at Frank on the radio email us via a word I've always loved, the absolute radio, Webby. Someone's texted you, Frank. It's Michael from Grubby Leicester. He's probably upset about what you said. Of course the sun has a face.

Have you not seen Teletubbies? And at least the sun has got his hat on. Good point. Yes. The moon hasn't got a hat on, has it? Well, don't get me started on the moon. He's got nothing going for him. Yeah, you were your strident opinions on the moon.

The sun hasn't really... I've never seen the sun with anything that looks like a hat. Saturn, at time, can look like it's wearing some sort of boater. Mm-hm. That's tricky. The trouble is with astronomy, it needs more stuff like that. Make it a bit more fun. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway... Coxie. Coxie. Does trouble is with astronomy, it needs more stuff like that. Make it a bit more fun. Yeah, yeah.

Coxie. Coxie. Does Coxie do astronomy? Coxie covers most of it. That's his big thing, astronomy. Oh, I didn't know that. He's an astronomer, I'll go as far as to say that. Oh. Oh, is he? No, I don't think he is.

He is, he's an astronomer. He's not an astronomer. He's a nuclear physicist. Professor Brian Cox isn't an astronomer. Oh, is he? Oh, I thought he was... I didn't think he did that, anyway. That's the text in, what on earth does Professor Brian Cox do for a living?

I know his smile is out of this world. Well, he used to be in D-Ream. We know that. Obviously, that's one of those things that everyone knows. Yeah, that is a fact. Yeah, it is. That is the fact that you say. Do you know he used to be in... Do you remember d reem used to be in that and everybody everybody

knows what's the other one frank gary oldman yeah gary oldman sister big mo yeah and that's not that's not gossip that's her name in the thing yes anyway we're speaking of big mo's no we can't do this um we'll have to get another link to Elton John. Can we get another link to Elton John? Oh, yeah, so the mother was banned from the party. Yes. She wasn't banned from the party. Oh, no, I mean, the mother had a party and he didn't turn up.

Wouldn't it be great if it turned out that Elton John himself had hired a 90-year-old woman to just hang around with on the same day? Oh, yeah. If he'd hired a lookalike, not just anyone, but if he'd hired a 90-year-old. An Elton John's mum lookalike. She's probably not busy. I don't think a major celebrity has hired a 90-year-old woman

since Wayne Rooney. Hi. Anyway. Is that OK? No, there's something. It's a funny story that she hired an Elton John. Obviously, there's an element of tragedy to it as well. But the fact that the Elton John impressionist...

990. B. Cox, M. Wright, Frank Wrong. Yes. Oh. Yes. He's not an astronomer. Well, I said I thought he was a nuclear physicist, which I believe is a different job.

I wouldn't like to think of his smiley hand on the bottom. Say, let's see what Russia make of this baby. No, don't do that, bro. I said don't let him in here. I don't think he's all there. Is he all there? I don't think he's all there. Charlie, can you take a screenshot of that text we just got in?

We've only got one person's word for this. M. Wright, Frank Wrong. OK? M. Wright? Yeah. He used to be a good centre-off. Anyway, sorry, you were talking about Elton John. Yes.

So what was I saying about him? Oh, yes. So he, the lookalike, the Elton John tribute act... Yes. ...performed at old Marjohn's... Marjohn, isn't that...? Are you referring to...? Is that a game, Marjohn?

Yes. Are you referring to Paul Bacon? Paul Bacon? Yes. Yes, that is who I'm referring to. I heard he was a bit of a ham, but... Oh, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Anyway, so, yeah, Paul Bacon as Elton John.

But the real, not a Kiki Dee impressionist... Let's face it, it's not going to be much cool for those. I used to think she was lovely. Lovely, fresh-faced woman, Kiki Dee, in her prime. She was lovely. Lovely, fresh-faced woman, Kiki Dee, in her prime. Anyway, the real Kiki Dee performed with the Elton John look-alike. Now, I can't believe...

What's Elton going to make of that? Oh, dear. Hashtag boycott Kiki Dee. Can you imagine that mobile phone message? Oh, I don't even want to think. I mean, they have... She's worked with him quite a lot, Kiki Dee, hasn't she? I think she used to do backing vocals.

It wasn't just a one-off thing. I think he regards her as family. Imagine when she has to push off her phone. You have one new message. Oh, terrible. Oh, sweet! Oh, sweet! Oh.

No, she shouldn't have done that. But I wish they could work it out, because I hate to hear of a man estranged from... I think it was Dean Martin who said, Show me a man who loves his mother And I'll show you a man who's man enough for me That's from Oedipus the Musical. Which coincidentally features

the Elton John song, Don't Let the Song Go Down On Me. Oh, God. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Oh, we've had some Brian Cox clarification, have we not? Yes.

Yeah, we had George Mbexley who texted... Apparently he's a dustman. George Mbexley texted in capitals, he works in particle physics, and then went to lowercase for George Mbexley. I have to say, particle physics is a fishing tackle shop in Chelmsford. He works in there. Particle physics, I don't know what it is, is a fishing tackle shop in Chelmsford. Who is it?

He works in there. Right. Particle physics. I don't know what it is, but... But Brian Cox probably does, doesn't he? Well, Frank's half right, because he went to the School of Physics and Astronomy. Oh, see? See?

How big is that of me to admit that? No, I respect you for that. Yeah. Respect is due. We're both right, Frank. What kind of a school is that? School of... Can I tell you?

A school with terrible clothes. Yeah. That's what I'm telling you. A school where you just do the worst lessons. I want to go to a school of, like, art, English and games. Yeah. P.E. Games.

That's what we call P.E. at our school. I'm not sure you can do games at degree level, Frank. Have you been to Lothborough? Exactly. No, that's why I've got a job. Exactly. You could be in sports therapy. Sports therapy?

Leisure industry, that's what... Certainly put a lot of sportsmen into therapy, I like to think. I know, I know that. Let's not name them. Anyway therapy I like to think I know that Let's not name them I wanted to slightly pick your brains You finished your tour didn't you At the tail end of last year My little tour which is much more bijou than yours

You did like a million dates Mine's like 25 or something But it's drawing to a close And I've got tour updates How's it gone? It's been fun largely's been fun, largely But I will say this I mean, there's been highs and lows

I think a high point was last week in Canterbury I did a show there And I did a thing that I didn't expect myself to do I did a radio-related shout-out to a member of the audience Who was it, the Archbishop? No, there was a gentleman that was moving away from Canterbury and his best friend, who's been his best friend for, like, 20 years, she emailed this show and she emailed me directly

and she emailed Emily and she emailed Steve Hall and said... She didn't email me. ..please, could you... She probably thought that you were out of reach and that you wouldn't pass on the message. Little does she know. And she said, oh, can you say hi to Alan and wish him well? What I got from Canterbury was

will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest and that got completely out of hand very good, still topical yeah going with a lot of topical listening so I did it well Rob Beckett is currently on Absolute so it's nearly topical so I did this. Well, Rob Beckett is currently on. Yeah, true. Absolute, so it's nearly topical.

Yeah. So I did this shout-out at the start. I said, oh, you've reduced me to, like, a bingo call. I said, oh, we've got so-and-so in. And then by the end of the night, I thought, oh, I think that was their favourite bit, actually. Yeah. It's a shame when you go from that to the jokes,

and they go, oh, yeah. Oh, couldn't you say some other people's names? I quite liked it when you were talking about Alan Fox, who's moving. Say his name. We've given him another shout-out. Yeah, I think that was his name. You're so strong on your local material. Yeah, but I also want to pick your brains about bleakness.

Oh, well, hold on. Let's have some adverts first. That should set us up nicely. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've received a text from Paul Munson. Not a text, I'm sorry, a tweet. He's got a question for me.

He says, what did you think of the eclipse? Which did you like best, Emily, the sun or the moon? Which is another song from Oedipus the Musical. When she has the affair with Shane Ritchie. Which did you like? It's a good question, isn't it? I've never heard that set of the Eclipse before.

I'm glad you've asked me that because I've got strong opinions on this. The moon, well the sun every time. I find the moon she's a bit of a sourpuss with bad skin. You think of her as female? Very much so. Man in the moon every... well, the sun every time. I find the moon... she's a bit of a sourpuss with bad skin. You think of her as female? Very much so. Man in the moon?

No, but I think of the moon as related to the feminine, if you know what I mean. Oh. I don't know what you mean, but... Well, Daisy does. Oh, dark sound of this. It's all gone a bit cranberry juice. Yeah. I'm more of a sun person. A bit of oil of evening primrose.

I'm more of a sun person, thank you. Well, see, I know... Where do you stand on the sun or the moon? In the eclipse context, not generally. Yeah. Have you got an opinion on this? Well, you haven't said. No-one's ever stood on the sun.

You're sitting on the fence now. you got an opinion on this? Well, you haven't said. No one's ever stood on the sun. You're sitting on the fence now. Well, in an eclipse I like the fact that the moon's completely looking like a goth. It turns up completely black. You never see it completely black like that.

No. If it did that at night, it could travel about the sky completely incognito. I just don't really like the fact that it's there. I don't like it. It shouldn't be there. And it's right in the way. It's what I'm going to call a party person and it should stay there.

It's pushy, isn't it? It's like Pete Doherty turning up in the morning. There's no place for you. He does look a bit like the moon. You don't need to yell a card for obstruction. That's what it needs. It's like that bit on Mock the Week. When they stand up and

they have to go over to the microphone. Something that you wouldn't hear on Star Trek. And they go, is it? The sun has moved towards the microphone and the moon has gone right across him. That's exactly what it's like. The poor sun. The sun's like a poor woman in a waistcoat. They always have one of those, don't they

on Mock the Week. Pretend we have women on. Stick a woman in a waistcoat. They always have one of those, don't they, on Mock the Week? Pretend we have women on. Stick a woman in a waistcoat. Woman in a waistcoat, I know, I know. Anyway. Would that have been as big a hit? I'm glad we've cleared up. We all know how we all feel about the sun and the moon. Yeah, it's interesting.

But I wanted to ask Frank about my bleakness on tour. You did a bigger, sort of shinier tour last year, didn't you? You had a tour manager and everything, so... Oh, yeah. Did you not have a tour manager? No, I just drive self. Me and my support act, we'd sort of... Oh, lovely. Sometimes he doesn't come. But it's just me sometimes.

But, given that there's somebody else whose job it is to organise things, do you ever have... What I find I sometimes get, it's food scarcity problems where you kind of drive into somewhere and you're like, oh, when are we going to eat? Oh my God, the show's at eight o'clock. I like the sound of this. You need to grab some food. You mean after a long day's filming you can't get a nice steak? I think I know where this is going. I punched a poor technician in the eye the other day. I think I know where this is going.

I punched a poor technician in the eye the other day. Well, no, I don't. I have the tour manager who will give me a list of available restaurants in a one-mile radius. That sounds a bit of a euphemism. Available restaurants. In fact, this is something that I have on the work surface in my dressing room, which is a laminate which was made by my tour manager. It's not. It's not. And it offers... If you want to read one...

Brilliant. So it has circles for drinks receptacles to stand in. Brilliant. This is not true. Please let me see this. The top of it says pre- and post-show menu, and then a nice refreshing drink of water or perhaps a carbonated mixed fruit drink.

Feeling peckish, maybe a nice Swedish butter almond chocolate bar. Yes, so what it is, there'll be a glass, there'll be a bottle of water, a bottle of Dr Pepper's and then a dime bar on that laminate. Can I say, Frank, your manager currently has the uneasy look of Professor

Frankenstein. He's spawned a monster. But it's all, you know. Because what happened recently to me was... Can I see that rider, please, Frank? We were driving to do a tour date in Scunthorpe and weirdly beat the traffic. Got there a bit early, said, oh, we've probably got time for a cup of coffee if we could pop off. We were just looking going, no, there's nowhere for a coffee.

Drove past a huge, I mean, huge Tesco's with a Costa coffee in it. And went in at tea time, just as they were, like, nearly clearing up. I walked up to pay for the couple of coffees and, like, a millionaire's shortbread thing. And the woman went, card reader's not playing. So I tried it again. She went, card reader's not playing. I was tempted it again. She went, card reader's not playing. I was tempted to point out, I think it is playing. It's not working.

Did she say, you're not a millionaire? She said, no, she never... Do you remember when I ordered millionaire shortcake in a cafe and Kat said, don't do that, draw attention to yourself. It's true. Anyway, there was a bit of a silver lining. She said, you can just have them for nothing since the card reader's not working.

Results! Yeah. Well done for breaking in with that screwdriver at night. A silver lining. What could otherwise have been a bleak tour story turned out... That's lovely. Alan actually slept rough in Scunthorpe until they amended it just for the free stuff.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I'm going to get a great tits. You forgot how brilliant T-Rex were. I'm going to put them on my pre-show for next year. Yeah, do it. Yeah. Okay.

Thanks, Mashie and Nicey. Is it late enough in the show for us to discuss the story I've been wanting to discuss all morning? Which is the poo. There's no polite way of saying it. This was this British Airways flight to Dubai, which was forced to actually reroute due to someone doing a bit of business in what I call Fonzie's office. Yes.

A bit of business. what I call Fonzie's office. Yes. A bit of business. It's absolutely disgusting. Can you imagine? How bad was that? They had to come home! The pilot made an announcement in my whole life. I have never done anything like that.

No, but we talk about, sometimes we'll talk about an embarrassing situation we've been in. But, you go to the toilet on a plane, you come out, and then the pilot says, sorry, but the smell is so bad, we've got to turn the plane round. How can anyone cope with, how could you cope with that? That embarrassment.

It's, oh, my God. Imagine ringing people saying I had a bit of a bad week. I was that person. Oh, no. It's just everyone would have known that it'd be, oh. Yeah. I'm gonna do it again. Oh. Why haven't there been pictures? Will they have a silhouette

picture of the person who did it? Of the person. I was thinking you were... No, that wouldn't be fair. I think they've got to be allowed to move on. I went back home. I think they've done enough of that. I don't... There's too much of it.

I don't like it when you go in public toilets and someone is... I think, oh, do it at home. How can you do that, though? You go when you need, don't you? No, I... No, you don't. You can't. Never.

It's a private thing. Not even if my boyfriend was in the house. I think men's toilets should just have urinals. They shouldn't have any sitting there. I honestly believe that. I think you're just encouraging people. You put the idea in their heads. They go in there and then they think, well, I suppose I might as well. No. It caused a 15-hour delay. Yeah, and that is some poo.

When I read about this... 15-hour delay, I mean... That's what the Sony judges said about our show. Goodness me. When I read about this, though, I thought... My first thought was there's a couple who... There's a bloke with his pregnant wife and they were going on holiday. Oh, pregnant women around as well. Some people are sick.

I know, it's awful. It's if they don't feel ill enough. And he said, you know, we were at the airport for... And I thought, oh, this is one of those tragic stories of people's holidays spoiled. And then when I noticed that they were going to Dubai, suddenly it seemed like a funnier story. I thought, are they going to Dubai? Do these people good to smell what real life smells like?

Says the man with the three grand gold pen. Oh, yeah. Two and a half. Let's not go crazy. Rounding up. I like it because one of my bugbears, one of my bet noirs is when people say, oh, baby's on planes, they spoil everything. I think the baby's just been a baby.

Adults are the people that annoy me more because they should know better. But I bet that plane had a baby walk on, well, not walk on themselves, but, you know, I bet somebody brought on a baby and everybody's heart sank like, oh god the baby's gonna cry or feel it's nappy and smell I bet when that happened in the proper toilet, the parents were like

brilliant, we've got this, we could just it's like a nice little sweet smell Why didn't they just bring down the oxygen masks? Or open a window? I'd do that anyway on the plane. No but if you've got the oxygen masks Someone next to me, I don't like the look of him, I'll get down the oxygen mask. Really? I always carry

perfume with me on the plane. It's a bit blue velvet. Do you know what I do? It's very passive-aggressive. When I get onto a plane and if I don't like the look of someone near me or I think they might be smelling it, I just get a spritz of Chanel out. I smell it all around me with the perfume. I do. Oh, not in a compliance place.

You say that, but how useful would I have been on poo-plane? You wouldn't have coped with that. You would not have coped with that. I would have opened a window. That would be like putting out Windsor Castle with a small receptacle of water. Yeah. That was a bit of a struggle.

I'm all right now. I'm all right now. Scriptwriters have gone off the ball now, haven't they? I'll tell you what, I had... Can you still see these... Can you see that spot on my neck? Ooh, I can, yeah.

Can you see that one? Oh, yes. It's like bolts. Absolutely nasty. Yes, it is. It is. It's like Frankenstein. I'll leave the bolts out today.

Let the air get to it. What has gone on? How have you got those? So I've got a spot. Kat said to me, oh, I'm going to move. I can't stand looking at that spot. I said, there'll be no... There's those? So I've got a spot. Kat said to me, oh, I'm going to move. I can't stand looking at a spot. I said, there'll be no... There's no mileage.

I've got one on at me. It looks like I've swallowed a pencil. Yeah. What's happened? I don't... I mean, I'm too... Can you... Why am I getting spots even at my age?

Yeah. Can I say, if you're getting spots and you've got wrinkles, something's up. What? You shouldn't get them both at the same time. No, that seems... Spots and wrinkles. Very, very... No, because once you're right, once you've got wrinkles, something's up. What? You shouldn't get them both at the same time. No, that seems... Spots and wrinkles. No, because once you get to a certain age, I think you should stop with the spots.

I agree. I didn't... It was no decision made in this. They just... But the fact that they are absolutely one on either side of my neck in a straight line. Have you been fiddling with one of them and then you've sort of scratched your neck on the other side

and you've moved the germs from one side to the other and you've recreated? That would be ridiculous. Does that not happen? No, they came up simultaneously. I'm no Professor Brian Cox, but that seems like a scientific explanation. No, they came on like...

He covered that in one of his astronomy programmes. Did he? Yeah, squeezing a spot. They suddenly came up with bright lights. It's horrible. And I've sort of forgotten how to deal with them. Toothpaste is it? Toothpaste or is that love bites? I think that's love bites innit. What does it do to spots? No toothpaste works.

Does it? Does it? Yeah. Bit of toothpaste. If you're looking to go down the Pennywise route which I know you always are. I had a wart when I was a child on my forehead. They were very popular in the 60s. On the forehead?

Yeah. This is a lovely thing to talk about. Life was brutal for you there. It was. Could have been on your foot or your leg, but foreheads. No, wart on the forehead. How did you get rid of it? Well, the standard thing then was rub a bit of meat on it and bury it in the garden.

No, it wasn't. It was, yes. The standard thing was never rub a bit of meat on it, Frank. Well, it was in the West Midlands in the 1960s. So I used to rub meat on it, bury the meat in the garden, and when the meat rotted, the wart rotted. That was the theory. Did it work?

Well, I did it. I rubbed the meat on and buried it in the garden. Two days later, I was combing my hair. I combed the wart straight off. I remember I thought, oh, that hurt. There was a line of red went straight down my face. I looked like Colgate. I think this is horrible.

Yes, sadly, we're ending on this anecdote, which is supposed to end on lightness and laughter. Come back poo in the toilet, all is forgiven. Anyway, I emailed 1923. So that was the one he never published. So, look, yeah, so if you've got a wart, rub a bit of meat on it. I don't want to do that again.

Thank you so much for listening this morning, and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. this time next week. Now get out!