The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Tote

Episode Date: July 29, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank, Emily and Alun revisit some idiotic eureka moments, they discuss the Tote bag, Alice Cooper and KFC clothing.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with nearly a jingle. That's what I'm going to call my memoir. Emily Dean and Alan Cochran is with me this morning. You can text our show on 81215. Some people already have. I think we'll talk about that in a minute. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

I love Vaya. Oh, I love a Vaya. I wish I could find the context for saying Vaya every day. People don't ask me directions enough. Oh, yeah. Anyway. They don't now. They've got the phones now, Frank.

Oh, they've got the phones. They've got the Google Maps. They've got the SatNavs. Well, on've got the phones, they've got the Google Maps, they've got the SatNavs. Well, on that subject, we've had an email through about Google, and it's from one of the youngsters. I'll begin. Oh, OK. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan.

I've been listening to the show since it started. I was 16 at the time, and I've been trying... They're not that young, then. 16's... It's been going nine years. Well, I'd say they're firmly in the millennial gen, aren't they? I'm 25, OK. I've been trying since then.

And that's from Aladin, Frank. Come on. I'd take that as a compliment. I'd have that on a show poster. And I've been trying since then to stick to the no Google rule. However, I really am terrible at it. Can I explain, by the way, to any new readers that the no Google rule, it's very simple. If you don't know anything, Google it and then you'll know that's a good thing.

You know, Google's amazing for that. If you can't remember, then don't Google. Don't do that. I hate that. I hate that sort of thing. Oh, what was the name of the woman under the Giants? That would be an evening

at one time in the pub. A whole evening would be spent talking about it. And it used to be... There were simpler times, weren't there? And if you got it, oh man, it was like scoring a goal at Wembley. It was oh, man, it was like scoring a goal at Wembley. It was really special. Well, we all remember the style of things.

In fact, in the days when scoring a goal at Wembley was special. You know, remember when people used to like the FA Cup? Yeah. Oh, yeah. But now, you say, what was the name of that? You know, in Land of the Giants, it was like, Diana Lunt, someone's holding a phone, it's gone. That's the end of that.

Yeah. So that's what it's about. Also, I think it's very good for your brain. Maybe when you're 25, it doesn't matter, because you're ruining your brain in other ways. But at my age, yeah, the brain's like a muscle. Yeah. You've got to keep it... It's like a Sudoku. You've got to keep it bobbing.

George says, I'm really terrible at it. I put that down to the introduction of relatively affordable, domestically available internet when I was still rather young yes you say bad habits so i was wondering if a few alternatives can be put in place for those of the google generation oh yeah at the moment if i can't remember something i will seek out the information i'm looking for in books a novel idea i know that's good a novel idea i think you could be quite good friends with George. Or ask someone who I think will know the answer.

Yeah, well, that's good as well. Human contact. My justification for these addendums is that searching for slash in books requires more brain power and will probably result in additional learning. And that asking someone encourages communication. I agree with all of that whereas

google you might get a bit of thumb musculature yeah that's about it so george finishes or concludes i was wondering what frank as the official arbiter of the rule thinks of these no google alternatives thanks for a marvel he gave praise no praise praise, George. A brief Google would tell you that. Yes. I, well, I think he's on the right track. I'm not saying don't look things up. No. But I do think it's good. There's a lot more in the human brain than you might think. It's like a big, it's like, have you ever gone in the, like today, for example,

this morning I was just putting a bag together to come here and I picked up a bag and I thought, I wonder where those keys were? If you dig deep, you never know what you're going to find in the corners of a bag. Your brain's the same thing. I love the idea of him putting the bag together. Do you, Al? I think we all enjoy putting a bag together. What does it involve, the putting together of the bag, Frank? Because I'm coming here to work for three hours.

I want to bring a bag. Yeah, you put a bag together. I love that you put it together. You know, when the Beatles were on that television show and apparently even the criminals stopped and watched it, I've got a feeling that when you just said putting a bag together, everyone in the nation looked at their radio and went, oh, I like the idea of him putting a bag together.

Doesn't everybody put a bag together? I'm going to go with that. Not really, oh, I like the idea of him putting a bag together. Doesn't everybody put a bag together when they go there? Not really, darling. I love it. Is it a daunt bag? No, it's, I like a tote. Yeah, the daunt books tote. I've seen you with one of those. No, this is, I think, Radio Times Festival tote.

I like to give people, just in case they only half recognise me, I like to give them help. What about what tote are you rocking today, texting? I've got loads. I should, such a thing as a tote rack. I'd like to collect my totes together, because I bet you I've got over 20. You don't just shove them all into one tot? Like a carrier

bag bag in the house. That's not a bad idea. I mean we should establish these are canvas totes. Largely disposable. What I need to do is I need to work out the totes of my totes. You need John McQuarrie I feel like we've started now

I was worried we hadn't started but now we've started Anyway what was we talking about? Well Mainly you're getting your bag ready, wasn't it? You're getting your bag ready, and also... I think it was getting my bag together.

Putting my bag together. Yeah, exactly. Just the missive from George, saying as the official arbiter of the rule, what do you think of those no Google alternatives? And I think you seem to be impressed by them. Yeah, I think asking other people, as unreliable as that can be.

But make sure you don't ask someone and they just Google it. Yeah. That's the danger. But I like the idea of looking things up in books. That's also good. Oh, that's great. I'd love a look up. I've still got a really big fat thesaurus that I use.

And it does take a bit longer. And there's the odd paper cup. I love a Roger's. But there's no adverts in it. Yeah. No adverts in it. That's amazing. Thesaurus. And you don't accidentally touch a part of the

page and suddenly you're looking at the new voxelastra. And things you googled the night before. I don't want to be reminded of that with my ads. That's a good point. No, I think not so bad. I don't like the personalised ads. I don't go to the dog places anymore. But you're right, there is the chance of stumbling on something else.

I've been looking up words in dictionaries with my son. That's great, isn't it? You can stumble on something, like you might look up escape, but on the way you might find escalope, or is escalope... Escalope? Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying, though? Descartes, Descartes.

You know, you're looking for one word, and then suddenly you've got another one in your vocabulary. Well, I looked up apparathnic. Did you? Which I have a phone. You know what I'm saying, though? There's cock, there's cock. You know, you're looking for one word and then suddenly you've got another one in your vocabulary. Well, I looked up apparathnic. Did you? Whichever form. And there was a picture of Zala Bardi in that page. Really, a picture I'd cut out the paper and put in.

Oh, you'd put it in there? Yeah. So I didn't know that was in there. Result? Encyclopedia Britannica. I'll tell you what, speaking of the no Google rule, which is a hard and fast rule on this show, there's another

walk down memory lane. It's the idiotic eureka moment, you know. Oh, yeah. Which is, again, for new readers, we do get the odd new person join the caravan for a while. And remember the Evanses, they come along.

Remember Mr and Mrs Evans and the eight kids? A lot of kids. Yeah, they did, but they didn't listen for long. Noisy family. You said a mouthful. I had two in a week. Did you? Two idiotic eureka moments.

Did you? The idea is that you realise something you should have realised years ago. Yeah. And it just suddenly comes to you. It dawns on you. So, for example... Well, for example, last week, I think Sarah,

our assistant producer, I think it was her, said, so, AKA, turns out it stands for also known as. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, it's a good shout. I didn't think, I mean, you know, she could have Googled it. She could have. It was a joke.

Better not to. So, but, I mean, and I thought her a little foolish for that. Did you? But I'm going to put myself now on the naughty step as far as intelligence is concerned. Oh, I'm going to settle down. I'm enjoying this. OK, I was watching The Force Awakens. All right. Star Wars, as you would say.

No, it's about police alarm clocks. Oh, is it? Yeah. I'm glad it's not one of those Rudy films. And it's... I was watching The Force Awakens, and I was thinking to myself, and I've seen that, you know, three or four times.

Which one's that? Apologies for not knowing. It's the first. It's the first one. And it's the fourth, depending on how you look at the world. In my first is in my fourth, yeah. First first one. And it's the fourth, depending on how you look at the world. In my first is in my fourth, yeah. First new one. So it's, yeah, it's the first in the storyline.

Yeah. So it's got Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi. And he speaks in this very clipped tone, in that fashion. And I think, why did he, why did he talk like that? I wonder what kind of a meeting they had when he thought, I'm going to talk like this. And I've thought that every time I watch it, I think that. And I was watching it the other day,

and I thought, oh, he sounded a bit like Alec Guinness. And that's a coincidence, because he's in Star Wars. And then I thought, oh. And it's taken me, I don't know how many screenings of the Star Wars. I mean, those three before Alec Guinness arrives. I've never realised that Ewan McGregor is an Alec Guinness ramp. Yeah. He's just taking us to Alec.

He's our guide saying, stick with me. I know they're not quite as good, but they're all right. Stick with me and I'll take you to Alec Guinness. Yeah. And everything will be all right. And it's taken me that long to work out that's why he does that. He's basically doing an Alec Guinness impression. Yeah.

I wish if it had started with him saying to, who's the big Irish man? Liam Neeson. Yeah, with him saying to... Who's the big Irish man? Liam Neeson. With him saying to Liam Neeson, say if they're on the spaceship and the door opens and it's all steamy and that, smoky. You know the bit where they fire pies and gas and try to kill them and you just see the two lightsabers light up and then they come out?

You know that bit in Force Awakens? If it had been like that and Ewan McGregor had stepped out and said this week Liam, I'm going to be Sir Alec Guinness and then it would have been clear. It's taken me, I don't know how many years How many years? Eight maybe.

Oh easy. An easy eight. Maybe ten. Yeah. I'm holding my hand up here like in basketball. I am an idiot. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think it's fair to say the switchboards have lit up somewhat.

They have, they have. I know, I've done something bad. Did you do a bad murder, Frank? I've done something really bad. Do you want to say what it is, Al? Yeah, yeah, I've done something bad. Did you do a bad murder, Frank? I've done something really bad. Do you want to say what it is, Al? Yeah, yeah, I will. Don't shoot the messenger, will you, Frank? No, I think she's still alive.

I thought that was a reference to Melinda Messenger, the popular Page Three girl. Oh, yeah. Well, you were discussing before about watching the Star Wars film with Ewan McGregor. Yes, the first of the story. Ewan McGregor, a.k.a. Alec Guinness, as Obi-Wan Kenobi. And you said that it was The Force Awakens, didn't you?

I said it, I think, several times. Yeah, yeah, you made your little policeman alarm clock joke. No. Wowser! My little policeman alarm, yes. Very, very good, I enjoyed it. He's just landed from patronage here. The switchboards have very much lit up

because you got the film wrong It's not The Phantom Menace Well you put that rather more kindly than 838 who says yes Frank you are an idiot The Star Wars film you speak of is The Phantom Menace He's gone into Star Wars speak

The Star Wars film you speak of is the Star Wars film you speak of I would say Is The Force Awakens not? A terrible mistake I have made. Look, I'm going to flagellate myself on air. Like the monks of old. Some people would charge by the hour to watch that.

I don't know if you can hear me flagellating. I don't have a cat of nine tails, so I'm using a bunch of five bananas, which doesn't really hurt. It feels like I'm being grabbed by George Foreman. I hate to be pedantic, but even that you've got wrong. That's four bananas. Well, that's four bananas.

And this is Aladdin. There's so many things you need to hit the correctione. I am going to hit the correctione. I am going to hit the correctione. I tell you. Correctione, correctione. Oh, no. In my long list of things that I'm not good at, I'm going to now include banana counting.

Well, I think... There's probably somebody listening now, maybe from the West Indies or wherever they listening now, maybe from the West Indies, wherever they... Do they grow in the West Indies? Mm. And was thinking, you know, I'm not going to do the voice,

but I was thinking to the voice... Oh, that's good. I'll tell you what, let's say it's a white bloke from the West Indies, and he's thinking, you know, me going to offer you my job. Nah, me nah like it. And because they know I can't count bananas.

Okay. That's an interesting question, politically correctness. Can you do a white West Indians accent? I don't know. No, no, don't text it. Frank, on the plus side, your friends in the S&M community will have had the time of their lives this morning. They'll love that.

I mean, they're used to it. I've seen them use a plantain on a weekend. Oh, man alive. I haven't even told the author. What a morning it's been. I'll tell you what, it was worth that mistake, though, for the Force Awakens police alarm clock joke. Oh, good. Yeah. Because, you know,

fans of many, so it's the joke. Here's a question. Would you take back the error if you had to also take back the joke? No, I'd rather have the error. Because I'd rather be foolish and funny. Yeah. Because there's loads of people who are accurate and not funny. Well, I mean, I don't know if you listen to other radio stations. Yeah, so, no, I'm happy with the mistake.

I haven't told you about my other mistake, you might say, my other idiotic eureka moment, you might think takes me to a whole new level of idiocy. But I'm afraid the fez is at my side and again for new readers, that means the producer is saying, she puts a small fez at the side of me

and it means, shut up now and play the next thing. And I am ever, as we say in the... It's the S&M community, I'm ever obedient. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Attention must be paid, as I believe they say in Death of a Salesman,

to Adam Chingford, or Adam in Chingford, who says, hey, Mr Tallyman, tally me banana. That's very, very clever. Yeah. Because I suppose tally me banana means, doesn't it? So in the banana industry, there's a tallyman who counts the bananas. I guess so. For the tally me banana means, doesn't he? So in the banana industry, there's a tally man who counts the bananas. I guess so. For the tally.

It's not my area of expertise, but yeah, I guess so. That's not in your maths section. Oh, I'm all right on the maths. Weren't you working on banana boat all day long? Yeah. That's a great song, isn't it? Do you know it? Is it a great song? Working on banana boat all day long

me want to go home yes anyway i think we've pushed it as far as we can on the west indian accent you think ah it's done with love um anyway here's my thing one of. In the days when we started talking about idiotic eureka moments, one of the examples that someone sent in was Sooty and Sweep, if you remember. Yes. For years they hadn't realised that Sooty and Sweep, the popular hand puppets, it was both pon on the chimney sweeping industry. Yeah. Sooty, because you get sooty, and sweet because...

And I was reading a thing about cannon and ball this week. Oh, no. And I thought... No! Of course, it's like cannon, and then... Ow. I didn't know that either. You are kidding.

I've just got it, Frank. See, that is the great thing about an idiotic eureka moment. If you tell it in a group of people like this, there's, what, six people in here? Don't trust me on that. They're all dressed as bananas. No, you'll always get five people going, oh, what, what?

And one going, I've got to be honest. I didn't get it. I'm really happy that I know that. Yeah? That's changed my life. What, Cannon and Ball? It really has. At times, not only have I seen Cannon and Ball,

I've seen them live. Yeah. And I've seen Cannon and Ball. In a sateen waistcoat. I've said Cannon and Ball, obviously. You can't trust my maths, but I bet I've said them in a sateen waistcoat. I've said Cannon and Ball, obviously, you can't trust my maths, but I bet I've said probably... We're into four figures, the amount of times I've said Cannon and Ball in conjunction. Well, you've worked with them all, haven't you?

Presumably you've worked with Cannon and Ball. I don't know if I have. Was it a happy coincidence, or is that why they got together? Or did one of them change their name, or both of them? Well, I'm betting Bobby Ball, I reckon, is the real name. And the other one said, what if I change my name to Cannon? Yeah. But I could be wrong, could be the other way around.

They could actually be their names. Oh, that would be amazing, if that's why they got together. You know, when Arsene Wenger got the Arsenal job. It can happen. Yeah. Yeah. That's nominative determinism.ative determinism we also established that your name takes you i was thinking about nominative determinism this week there's a man in the

south african cricket team called vernon philander and i thought i bet his wife gets led a merry dance yeah i have no evidence for that other than his surname he's probably a very decent loyal man. Frank, we've had someone get in touch about putting a bag together. Close quotes. Would you like to hear? Yes. Morning, gang.

Is it the Bride of Frankenstein plot? I, too, put a bag together on most trips out of the house these days. I first took a tote to a summer party. It felt more comfortable than just standing with my hands in my pocket. And I've since realised how practical... Sorry, can I just pause for... Yes! The level of enthusiasm!

This weather, there's nowhere to put a pocket because you've got hardly anything on. Do you know what I mean? You've got a shirt and trousers. You've just had to have got a coat on or something. And I've since realised how practical it is to always have a jacket or umbrella or something in there. It's become something of a crutch.

When my friends ask what I'm carrying in it all the time, I say, my confidence. That's very good. It's literally a bag of nerves, and now I feel naked if I leave the house sans tote. That's from MASH. Well, I'm not going to say my confidence, because they'll know the bag just isn't big enough.

Oh, that's good. Eh? But that's, yeah, women have been doing this for years with bags, haven't they? Yeah. It's not like we started it. Yeah. But the tote. It's our little crop.

There's something fabulously asexual about the tote bag. Yeah. And also, bookshops bring them out so you can look clever at the same time. Yeah. And that's always good. Look clever even if you don't get the cannon and ball pot. That's my motto. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Annie QPR has been in touch, Frank. Annie QPR? She says,, Frank. Annie QPR? She says, sorry to burst the bubble, this is re-cannon and ball. Thomas Derbyshire and Robert Harper are now cannon and ball. Oh.

So there is neither a cannon... How did they arrive at that as a pun? They must have sat there and thought, fish and chips? No. Lock and key? No. Yeah. They must have gone through a few. Lock and key? No. Yeah. They must have gone through a few.

Lock and key's good. Yeah, do you think so? Sean Lock and Tim Key. They should work together. They should, that'd be great. That's good. Tired and emotional. There's loads of things you could ask. Yeah. Isn't there? Yeah. Trinidad and Tobago. I miss World. You're not the only

person that's had an idiotic eureka moment We've had a text in, hi Frank I had an idiotic eureka moment this week when I realised the donkey from Winnie the Pooh was called Eeyore because that's the sound donkeys make That makes me feel a lot better

about Karen and Bo I've always felt like I've got an affinity with Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh Do you?? Yeah. Oh, you're not reading this out? This is you talking? This is me, Alan. Yeah, yeah. Okay. This is Mike Yarwood, ladies and gentlemen. This is me. No, I think I am. I think I'm Eeyore-ish. Are you Eeyore? Yeah. Oh. What Pooh character are you, Frank? The Tao of Pooh? What Pooh character? Which character are you in Pooh? I'm... I think you're Tigger. You think he's Tigger?

Yeah. I think I'm the F. A lump. Okay. Frank, you're already being quoted on... I don't know if you've gone viral yet, but you're on Twitter saying, I'd rather be foolish and funny than accurate and boring.

Frank Skinner. Hashtag never give up. Oh, I see. I see. I don't care. On the subject of canons, I was in a children's book. I was in Daunt.

I've got their tome. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you do. And I was looking for a book and I was with my five-year-old and he went off to look in the children's section made sense yeah and he picked out a book called the runaway dinner the plot and i don't want no spoilers but the plot is a child is has a sit down for a meal and suddenly the meal basically makes a break for it sounds Sounds undercooked. Chips, you know, chips going off in different directions, etc.

So the child, he said, will you read this to me? So there's a little section where you can sit and read a book to your child. So I sat on this stool that takes the form of a toadstool. Oh, yeah. That's just occurred to me, actually, toadstool.

It's because toads sit on them. Yeah? Yeah. Didn't know that either. It's a big week for you. My brain, I can feel my brain expanding. Anyway, I have to buy a new hat. Yeah.

It's written by a guy called Alan Holberg. So I started reading it. Oh, yes, I like him. And he's a very famous kid's writer. Yes, Janet and Alan. And turns out that the character's name, the boy, is called Banjo Cannon.

Do you see why I think of this now? And I thought, hold on a minute. When I was a kid, there was a bloke who lived near us called Banjo Cannon. Bit of a local legend. Been a boxer. He was a bit like my dad in that he drank and had a volatile temper. Sometimes you'd hear a big shout going, like a big rowdy argument going on in the distance.

And my dad would say, oh, that'll be Banjo falling out with someone. And we lived very near the Salvation Army Hall, so sometimes you hear brass band music and an undercurrent of violence that was the backdrop to my childhood and you can see where i've turned out the way i have but um i became i thought the car it's not a name you just arrive at is it no banjo cannon no and i thought i'm going to investigate this. So you know what I did? I emailed Alan Arlberg's publishers. Did you? This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

Yes, so I contacted Alan Arlberg's publishers to see if it could possibly be the same banjo cannon. Turns out Alan Arlberg grew up in Albury, where I grew up. Shut up. Yeah. And we're a similar age. He's about 80. So I got in touch with him direct. Wow.

And, yeah, it seems it was the same bloke, Andrew O'Connor. Wow. That's incredible. Yeah, it is a really remarkable coincidence. And so we had, yeah, a bit of email exchange about the old days. Oh, that's nice.

In Albury. It's great. Oh, lovely. And as I mentioned Alan Alberg, it turns out more... Daisy and Emily have read basically every book he's... Oh, yeah. I love Arlberg. Oh, man.

But it made me think that I, many, many years ago, I did a sitcom called Blue Heaven. Yes, I remember it. I based my character name on the idea that in those days, and

before then, often if you were a sort of a known person and you were in a sitcom, they would keep the same Christian name. All right. So it would be like Terry and June was Terry Scott and June Whitfield. Yeah. And that wasn't their surnames, but that was their name. So there was a lot of that.

So I stopped with Frank, but i took um sanford which was my surname i took it from teddy sanford who was a famous west bromish albion player captain at fa company team so i was called frank sanford anyway years later the saturdays come out oh yes it was the main sex symbol frankie sanford come on that's Come on, that's not a coincidence. That is not a coincidence. No. She's obviously a massive fan of Blue Heaven. Yeah. Yeah.

And she's just picked that up and run with it. She's thought, I'm having that. Yeah, totally. Also, there used to be a mechanic on Coronation Street called Chris Collins, which is my birth name. Oh, yeah. You might call it my real name,, which is my birth name. Oh, yeah. You might call it my real name, but what is real?

Yeah. 8, 12, 15. That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. I agree with that. Don't they? Yeah, and he was also from, I then found out he was from West Bromwich. No.

His character. Of course, a bit of investigation. Turns out the bloke had deliberately chosen my birth name. Yeah. Is that true? Really? So, there's a lot of interesting... Hold on.

There was a Coronation Street character. Chris Collins? Yeah. That's extraordinary. Hey. Who knew? Who? Yeah, there was that bloke called Hugh News.

Based on my catchphrase. Anne Frank, we've had a picture of Frank. That's another example. Yeah, she, that wasn't her real name. She was a big fan of the show, Anne Frank. Great reception in the attic. In the basement, there was nothing. What are you all looking at me like that for?

I wonder. Shall we move on? Too soon maybe. Can I tell you about the nice picture we've had in of Roy Cropper? There you go. Carrying a tote. It's Coronation Street morning. Carrying a tote back.

But Frank, he's got one of those, I'm going to go Hessian. Do you know those Hessian totes, which I find a bit scratchy on the legs in the summer? Well, we don't use those for everyday totes, but we do use them for a supermarket shop. Very useful for the tins. But, you see, I carry a tote over my shoulder. I see Cropper carries it by the fully extended handle.

But with those Hessian ones, it's a bit haywain. It must be taller than me. If I carry one by the fully extended handle, they're interfering with the pavement. Right. Do you go for a canvas handle, not the rope handle? I've got one rope handle which was sent me as a gift.

And I use that on special occasions. If you're listening, Gavin, 8 o'clock the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio back Saturday morning from 8 tune in live for the full Frank experience

Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran text the show on 8 12 15

a lot of people already have this morning especially when I got the wrong Star Wars title follow the show on Twitter, 12, 15. A lot of people already have this morning, especially when I got the wrong Star Wars title. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. And a lot of people expressing love for Alan Alberg.

Alberg? Alberg? How do you say it, Frank? He's your pal. I only email, so... Oh, OK, yeah. I would say... Alberg. Yeah, but I don't know. OK. I would say... Alberg. Yeah, but I don't know. OK.

That was in the days when children's books were written by children's books writers. You're right. Not celebrities who were looking for something to do. A few extra bob. Moving on. Speaking of celebrities finding a few extra bob, we need to talk this week about the amazing revelations that Alice Cooper forgot he had an Andy Warhol print.

Was it a print? Oh, no, it was an original silk screen. It was an originale. Well, if it's a silk screen, it was a print. Good point. Goodness. Good point. A print, but an originale print.

A printed image of an electric chair, I believe. Well, the point is, it's worth a lot of money. That's the most Alice Cooper route one subject for a print. Yeah, do you have any electric chair stuff? I think I prefer the soup tins on it. But he forgot he had it, and then remembered during, I think, a dinner party, someone mentioned these Andy Warhol prints and he went, oh, yeah, I've got one of those somewhere and had a rummage around.

Yeah. He had a rummage around and found it next to some old kit. No, but he said he went... And it's worth millions. What was the phrase he used? He went to his storage unit. He went to his storage facility. Storage, yeah.

So this means that Alice Cooper has a lock-up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, he's got... Do you think he goes there with the guys? We had some whiskeys. We have some beers. They hang out. They watch a game.

I tell you what I'm imagining. In one... You know those big plastic... They're almost like Tupperware boxes. Yeah. They're clear and then they've got like a blue lid on them. Yeah. I imagine there's one of those with black leather wrist supports.

Just that. Nothing else. What would you expect to find in Alice Cooper's lock-up at 12.15? A bit of banana flagellation, maybe. Oh, you never know. And I like the sound of his manager, Shep Gordon,

because I love a Shep. Top hats. A big pile of top hats. Yes. A lot of top hats. On hooks. You don't normally get many human Sheps. No.

I mean, I know two Sheps. Your Shep and the late John Noakes' Shep. Yeah, both canine. Yeah. Yeah. But Shep Gordon had some great things to say about this. He did. He said, he was talking about the fact that, you know,

he'd been storing this painting, and he said it was a rock and roll time. Alice ends up going into an insane asylum for his drinking. Did you say that? I don't think you can really, I mean, your manager's saying that about you. Saying you went into an insane asylum. I don't know if we call it that anymore. Maybe treatment centre now.

I don't know, when did he go into it? 1871. The lunatics at Bedlam. Yeah. Anyway, but I thought it was rather exciting for Alice. It's seven and a half million pounds. Wow. And he got it from an ex-girlfriend, Frank. She'll be kicking herself.

She paid two grand. I'm guessing she's dead. She's Alice Cooper's ex-girlfriend. You think so? Yeah. She might well have been dead while he's going out with her. Yeah. He's a man.

He likes the darker side of... He does. ...of existence. Do you know his real name? Vince Furnier, I think. Very good, Frank. Is that right? Very good.

Yeah, I used to be quite like Alice. You know, I had a strange experience with Alice when I interviewed him on... I used to do a chat show in the... Oh. Don't Google it. Ouchie. And there's a thing called agape.

That's right. I forgot that it was him. And it's experience of... It's like they say, it's the purest form of love. So you feel this love for someone. It can be a stranger. it can be someone you know. And it's uncomplicated by, you know, the physicals or the fact that they're your child or whatever.

They're just pure love. Or the fact that it's Alice Cooper. Yeah, and I was talking to Alice Cooper and suddenly I felt this immense love for him. I mean, like sort of universal love. And I didn't want to tell him because I thought he might be a bit embarrassed. So I'm interviewing him, asking him questions about keeping snakes and stuff. And meanwhile, I'm just experiencing.

I've heard it said, and many, of course, will scoff at this, it's the way we'll feel about each other in heaven. Oh, I like that. But, I mean, if Alice Cooper turns up in heaven, that's so counterintuitive. It is, isn't it? Everything about him seems to be heading in the downstairs. That's not right. Eyeliner dripping down his face.

White top hat, though, Frank. He does follow the Nazarene. Oh, does he? He does, eh? He'll have a white top hat, I think, for that. He might have the full outfit in white, like a heaven kid. By the way, on the subject of following... Does he have a heaven tuxedo out?

He might. He has got a white tux. Oh, has he? Oh, does he? When he did Elected, I think he wore a white tuxedo and white top hat. He was so familiar with his back catalogue. It's good to have your ghost outfit already ready. What's your ghost outfit? I's good to have your ghost outfit already ready.

What's your ghost outfit? I'm going to plan mine. You need a really pale outfit to get your dress right for a ghost. It's a bit Anne Boleyn, my ghost outfit. That's why they buried Colonel Sanders in his thing. Straight into the ghost thing. No need to shop.

Straight into ghosting. But speaking of following the Nazarene, did I have a shop this week? What happened? I can't, honestly. What? No, I know Christianity is not as fashionable as it used to be, but if we could just mention it briefly.

Oh, yeah? I turned on Songs of Praise this week. Oh, yeah? Who was hosting it? Who? Katherine Jenkins. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Yeah, so Katherine Jenkins, you may recall I identified as Lucifer's representative on Earth. Yeah. He's now hosting Songs on Earth. Yeah. He's now hosting Songs of Prey. Yeah. Is it a regular gig for her? It is. Is it? I think the phrase is

spying the camp. Yeah. What? What's the phrase? Spying the camp. Oh, spying the camp. Oh, he's still on there, I think. Oh, I thought he was lovely for that role. I tell you what, when I put it, I was just flicking. I was channeling. I've got to be honest with you, I wouldn't watch Songs of Praise.

Really? No. Well, if you don't, what hope is there for the rest of humanity? I find the term hymns a bit sexist. So I don't watch it. I think, you know, it's not my kind of show. Yeah. But when I switched it on and she was on it,

I tell you what I felt like. Do you remember when Michael Douglas gets home in Fatal Attraction and Glenn Close is sitting there on the sofa? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. And she's pretending she wants to buy the house. Yeah, I've done that before.

And he walks in and there's... That's what I felt like. Oh, my God, what's she doing here? Cuckoo in the nest, Frank. Absolute, absolute. So be careful, because you might be there just to lead people astray. So you're going to watch it a lot now?

No, I'm never going to watch it. I'm never going to watch it again. Oh, really? Oh, okay. Somebody's had a guess at what's in Alice Cooper's lock-up. Oh, good. An Alice Cooper made up of balloons. No, I think that is a reference to when Alice Cooper was on Room 101. Oh, yeah. Balloon modelling was one of the things... So he doesn't like all the art forms. Oh, really?

No. That's one of the things he put in. So we got this balloon modeller to make a very elaborate Alice Cooper balloon sculpture. Oh, I see. Seems kind of odd he was on Room 101, doesn't it? Well, it seems brilliant. I mean, did you feel the same level of affection for him on

Room 101? Not like I mean that Agobie thing was a bit of a one off I think but it was one of the few occasions on

Room 101 we had three male guests so they're really likeable. But he passed through because his name's

Alice. And he wears the make-up as well so you're not wasting the make-up artist for the night.

So he was on, Alice Cooper was on with Chris Packham and Chris Tarrant. Weird green room. It was a very weird green room, but he was nice, I must admit. I imagine he didn't like balloon sculptures because you'd think he lives in quite a spiky world. Yeah, yeah, he does. There's lots of spikes, studs.

Yeah. Yeah. Sharp things in his house. You should know. I haven't been to his house. No, I just meant in your world. Okay. But he's seen quite a bit.

He took the balloon thing away with him. Oh. That'd be a good photo. Did he? So it's Alice Cooper leaving the studio with an almost life-sized balloon model of himself. That'll be in that lock-up. Yeah, but he's not

pleased to find out. That'll be in the lock-up. Hey, Chef, have you seen my balloon sculpture? When balloons go down, it'll be like in a corner like that, like a flat, horrible, flaccid Alice Cooper figure. Someone using it as an ashtray in the lock-up. He might just keep it inflated in the living room window

to put off burglars. Well, he needs to put off burglars. Now he's got a seven-and-a-half billion quid. Exactly. He should put the balloon that you got him made of himself right next to the thing so that people think it's under constant guard. That's a good idea.

That is a good idea. I'm writing that down. Imagine how he felt, though, when he found out. I was telling you, I put a jacket on and there was a fiver in the breast pocket. Oh, felt like a lottery winner. It's not often I use the phrase cock-a-hoop, but I felt absolutely cock-a-hoop. If I'd have found a seven and a half million quid picture,

I wouldn't be able to get me hat on. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing Alice Cooper finding a precious Andy Warhol that he'd forgotten all about. In his little seven and a half million. Yeah. To give you a little snapshot of my life,

the nearest I've come to that is finding some soup that I'd forgotten about. You know, like a tin, like a just, oh, there's that soup at the back of the cupboard. I can see the Andy Warhol. Yeah, it's very similar, isn't it? It's very similar. What about when I found

some pork scratchings in my glove compartment? And they were all, you know when they're twisted at the top, Frank, and I tied it all nicely. Oh, perfect. And I found some treats

for my dog as well. It was a great day for me, that. I know it's not Andy Warhol. You think the dog would have found the pork scratchings? Yeah. He's too small, Frank.

Oh, well. Don't you keep him in the glove compartmentper? Yeah. He's too small, Frank. Oh, well. Don't you keep him in the glove compartment? No, I don't think that's allowed. Oh, is it not? He's got a special carrier. He didn't do that once. I was moving a girlfriend. I was moving in with me, and we went over to her house.

I used to have this Irish driver at the time. Oh, yes, I remember him. Called Jerry. Jerry, yeah. He was about, I suppose he was about 60. And he said, yes, I remember him. Called Jerry. Jerry, yeah. He was about, I suppose he was about 60. And he said, Frank, what did he say?

He said, never go out with a woman in the summer because she's got the tan and everyone looks good with the tan. Yeah, but not true anymore, of course. This was before the age

of the fake tan. He said many things. I once got in a car with a woman and she said, oh, it smells lovely in here, Gerry, what is it? He said, it's a Mercedes. So anyway, we were on the way, we picked up all these clothes

and this woman's cat and we were driving and I said, hold on, where's the cat? We forgot the cat. And he said, it's in the boot. And I said, no, no, no, stop the car, stop the car. And I remember he said, no, there's a fierce amount of air in there. Anyway, how did we get to that? Pork scratchings in the car. Oh, yeah, pork scratchings in the dog.

In the car. Pork scratchings in the car, I know, I know. I'll tell you what I forgot I had. I found some playing cards given to me by Dynamo in my bag the other day. Dynamo merch? Yeah. Just in the bag?

He did a trick on me and Frank and I kept the cards. Oh, that's nice. I tell you what, Tom, I've got a chair in my house. Oh, that's worth a fortune. That I bought years ago. It's a design classic. And Emily said to me, do you know that's

worth a lot of money, that chair? It's really famous. I said, I don't think so. No, I bought it probably about 15 years ago. But I didn't pay like a massive joy. I remember it was like more, I just liked this chair

because it's got like a spaghetti back to it. Very famous. Have you Googled it? And she said, no, it's worth it. So I thought, well, I'm allowed to Google that because I didn't know. Did you Google? It's called an Edra Jeanette chair.

So I thought, it's just a, it's a wooden chair with this sort of spaghetti-like back on it. Yeah. Looked it up, three grand. I told you, Frank. I had to sit down. Luckily, luckily I was right next to the chair

I was looking up. I've got a three grand chair in the house. What do I need a three grand chair for? Congratulations though. I mean, it's a lot. It's very supportive of the back. That's why I bought it. I'm getting a newfound affection

for that chair now. I mean, who buys a chair as an investment? Make any sense? And I also I found the other day in the back of a drawer a lapel badge with a, I'm guessing Victorian,

possibly Edwardian gentleman on it. I thought, oh, Rudyard Kipling. How come I've got a Rudyard Kipling badge? And I looked up and I thought, no, it's not actually him. I looked up, Googled it. I thought, maybe it's Crippen, the murderer. No. So I looked up, no.

Oh, buzzkill. So, actually, I might put it on our social media page. If anyone can identify this bloke. No, it's not Crippen. Oh, good. So I've got a badge with a Victorian stroke Edwardian gentleman on, and I've no idea who it is or how I got it or why. So that's this morning's mystery.

It hasn't set the... Well, give it time, Frank. Who knows? Who knows what might happen? So I found that. I also found a big coin which was of particular significance to today.

Why? It was a coin, a proper royal mint coin celebrating the marriage of Princess Diana and Prince Charles on this very day in 1981. Oh yeah. And I had a strange experience in the

plough pub that day, which I'll tell you about after. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Would you like me to speak for a moment while you chew that apple? Yeah. I must learn to time it better.

Yeah. You must. You really must. Carry on. I mean, that is one of those things that people would put into Room 101, isn't it? What's that? People chewing food on the radio.

That'd be quite right. Yeah. How do you... Yeah, when you call someone up as well and they're eating. Oh, I don't mind that so much. I say, shall I wait until you finish that? All right, yeah, yeah.

Ouchie. I don't like hearing smoking on the phone. That's not happening so much now, is it? It doesn't happen these days, does it? Vaping. What do you mean? Yeah, you know that. Yeah.

I feel like I'm being blown kisses at. I don't want that. Not on the phone. I think Emily's got a good... What said to me ages ago, people, you can hear typing when they're on the phone. Oh! God!

So you're just... Sorry to use that word, Frank. You're just a backdrop. The typing, and I'm afraid... Lovely Daisy, the producer, sometimes I'll be talking to her, Frank, and I'll say, so what I was thinking is, and she'll go... You're serious?

Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean, yeah. And then I'll say something like, yes, I've had some really good news, and she'll go, nightmare. And I'll say, were you listening to me? What did I say? I've often spoken to people on the phone, I thought, do they know I'm on the toilet? Oh, have you? And is it disrespectful to people on the phone and thought, do they know I'm on the toilet? Oh,

have you? And is it disrespectful to speak to someone when you're on the toilet? Well, I don't want to get too bogged down in this. Very good. But, it depends what the situation is in the toilet. Well, as a male, when I

say on the toilet, you can guess the rest. Absolutely. Well, as a male, as a male, when I say on the toilet, you can guess the rest. Absolutely. Well, then the answer is no. Okay. I'm not talking FaceTime now. No. I'm talking, you know,

audio. You can speak to members of the same sex. Yeah. Can you? Is that all right? Yeah. Like, I'd speak to Daisy

and I'd flag it up. Really? Yeah. I do often, don't I? What if you're homosexual? I say, do you mind, Daisy? If you're homosexual, does that rule still apply? 8, 12, 15. Anything goes.

It's a toffee. Don't race into it. Have a little seminar at home. Anyway, on the 29th of July, 1981, which everyone was given a day off for the Royal Wedding. We didn't know. And I got very, very drunk indeed. And I went into the Plough Inn pub in...

Wasn't it pressing much? You know the Plough Inn, don't you? I know there's the Plough Inn Murfield in West Yorkshire. I'm sure it wasn't that. A lot of ploughs. Was it a nice pub? It was quite nice. The gaff was quite...

We fell out. Oh, yeah. Was it over alcohol? I don't know what it was over. I was over alcohol. He said... I remember he said to me, don't you think I'm nothing, you know,

just because I wear glasses? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And he took his glasses off as that sort of, you know... Oh, right. Like there is a man behind here. Oh. Yeah.

And looking back now, I realise people aren't so touchy about having glasses. No. It was like a real thing. He had to prove that the glasses hadn't completely emasculated him. Yeah, some people wear glasses on purpose now, even without any... Oh, no.

Like, it's changed, hasn't it? It's all changed. He's probably dead now, anyway. Some of the glamour models wear glasses now. I know. The first one I remember doing that was that... Joe Guest. Joe Guest used to do it, yeah.

Yeah. Ah, yes. Did you have a round with him? Is that...? Yes. It was always... I was very drunk. I had a Union Jack round my neck.

Did you? Because I'd been a different person. Oh. Like the Brits. Yeah. Exactly. It was like a big celebratory day, this, you know, these young lovers.

Oh, yeah. We didn't know there was three in the Mirage. That was all top secret. This was pre-Bashir. We didn't know that. Pre-Bashir. Written by Ruby Wax, that line. What?

I think that's out there, she said that. Ruby Wax wrote the line, there are three of us in this relationship. Did she? It's not, it's not when a man is tired of London he's tired of life. We still remember it.

We do, but it's maths, isn't it? Yeah. Basically, it's counting. You know the, you know the cream cakes advert,

Naughty But Nice? If you're going to tell me this, Yeah, I am. this is Gary Oldman's sister-in-law. I am going to tell you that. Go on, tell it me. I was about to tell you it. Salmon Rush do you know that? Really? Well

I didn't know that. I did it. This is in a number of facts. I did it. Facts that nobody knows that everyone knows is the name of the series. Big Mo is Gary Oldman's sister. So does everyone know the Ruby Works? No. Oh, okay. Just the stuff I say. So does everyone know the Ruby Works? No. Oh, OK. No, no, I didn't. Just the stuff I say.

I didn't know the Ruby Works. Go to work on an egg, Frank. I wouldn't put that up. Who's that by? Fay Weldon. Oh, was it? I didn't know that. There you go.

Oh, I've had two I didn't know that. Yeah. But I wouldn't put there are three people in this marriage in my resume. No. No. In my writing. She has. Yeah. I had a Ruby Wax the other day. No. No. My writing. She has. Yeah.

Um, I had a ruby wax the other day. Oh, yeah. It's my own fault. I didn't powder beforehand. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Anyway, I'm

going through a period where I've almost got an opposite problem to Alice Cooper, who has found a thing that he'd forgotten he had. Yeah. I'm losing underwear. This is a problem in my life. Filthy creep. No, well, I wear a cotton boxer short,

as we've discussed on the show before. I think you'll find it probably in the glove compartment with the scratchings. I wear a cotton boxer short for daytime and for athletic activities. As you like to be held. I prefer to be held, yeah. That's his catchphrase now. I'm really running out of boxer shorts. I've said to my wife, have you been throwing my boxer shorts out?

And she said, no, I wouldn't do that. You're an adult. You can look after yourself. Get your own pants and throw them out when you think... It's changed, hasn't it, the whole life? Husband, they're very different. So it's not... They don't know how lucky they are in the 70s.

I agree. I almost feel sorry for the blokes in the 70s. They had iron pants on their bed every night. They'd get to work and come home and read the paper all night and had everything done for them, but they didn't know that they were nearing the end of that era. So they didn't appreciate it. They sometimes had a drink poured for them.

It's true. They didn't know how lucky they were. All gone now. Gone. Gone. Gone. As of many of my underpants, it seems. Where are they? Well, I've got a couple of my underpants, it seems. Where are they?

Well, I've got a couple of theories, but here's what I think. So have I, but I don't know if you want to hear them. I think they're in Alice Cooper's locker. Here's what I think is happening. I mean, the socks, we all know that socks disappear, don't they? Because there's two of them, there's double the chance of them disappearing. But a pair of boxer shorts. Do you remember, I think maybe a year ago,

somebody texted this shirt and said, oh, when I'm travelling in my socks... Did they say oh? I think they did say oh. Was it from James? I think it was. They said that they took old socks on holiday with them and just threw them in the bin at the end.

Oh, yes. I think I've been doing that with boxer shorts and not realising that I've been doing that. I think I've been going away and just... Disposables? I've just been throwing boxer shorts in travel lodge bins and going. I don't like the thought of him wearing disposable panties. But I'm down to about four pairs of boxer shorts.

The laundry's killing me. I have a real problem with the word panties. So do I. That's why I said it. I'm not saying that. I'm not airing my dirty linen in public. I wouldn't do that. It's too late for that, love. But I don't understand.

That's a sort of mental aberration, you throwing them away. I've completely forgotten that I've been throwing them away. They'll turn up in a bag somewhere. No, I've searched. I've searched the house. I hope they don't turn up in Roy Cropper's tote. Maybe that's what he's carrying. I've searched the house. I hope they don't turn up in Roy Cropper's tote. Kessie and tote.

Maybe that's what he's carrying. He's in the Manchester area. I sense there must be a podcast somewhere called Roy Cropper's tote. If there isn't, there will be at the end of this weekend, I'm sure. What is it called, a tote bag? Why is it? Why is it called a tote bag? Do you know, I've been using that term in fashion for so long and I don't know.

Is it because, so if you carry the money home, if you win the tote? Is it to do with the, what, the racing tote? That's a racing thing, isn't it? It's a racing body, governing body. John McQuarrie has always talked about them. Is there a thing in Pork Salad Andy where he says, I carried it home in a tote sack?

I don't know, but I tell you what. What does tote bag, what does it mean? 8, 12, 15? Anne Frank, we've got some verification through on this character on the badge. So we're just looking into it. Have we identified... Boffins are just confirming, but we'll let you know.

That'll be great news for me. Is it a badge I'd want to wear or not wear? Do you think I wouldn't want to wear it? OK, look forward after this. We've had a few texts saying, tote means carry. So tote bag, if you tote someone. Carrier bag.

If you tote someone, there'll be two footprints in the sand. Or is it three? Old Man River. Tote that barge, lift that bale. Isn't it? Lovely. Tote that barge. Yeah.

What is it? You gets a little drunk and you ends in G. We've also had a text that I think you'll be interested in from 398. Please reconsider the quality of There Are Three People In This Marriage. It is very striking. I might think, fair enough. That's from Ruby Wax. It's never a bad thing.

Oh, Wax. It's never a bad thing to be honest. It wouldn't have been that short. Well, I mean, it's lasted. Who am I to mock it? How many of my jokes have lasted that long? Not that it's a joke, I thought. It's not a joke, but it's a construct, isn't it?

It's a construction. It's an unusual... I mean, it surprises you when you first hear it. I don't think I'd heard it before that. Really? No. Three people? In this relationship. I'd heard it before that. Really? No. Three people? In this relationship.

I'd heard it, but we lived near a bigamist, so it was fine. Did she say in this relationship? My grandfather was a bigamist. One of my grandfathers was a bigamist. We forgave him. Convicted? Live and let live. Um, I'll talk about that off-air.

OK. Well, did she say in this marriage or in this relationship? She said there were three of us in this marriage, so it was rather crowded. OK. Oh, did she say in this marriage or in this relationship? She said there were three of us in this marriage, so it was rather crowded. OK. Oh, that's a good... You see, she... I do a good lady die.

She could have said, you know, there should have been three rings. Frank, you've got to improve on the joke now. It's like a three-ring circus, our marriage. Oh, yeah. People would have said, that's clever. I don't know if it's a bit laboured. You know what?

The thing... It was a bit laboured. OK, we're going to get to the barbed wire and the butterfly in a minute, my friend. I'm thinking on my feet, you know. I mean, Ruby Wax, I'd probably put a couple of days to one. Check writers. Oh, yeah. The thing about this is that it was a very emotional, moving, from the heart interview.

The idea that she used writers on it is not great, is it? Well, the Royal Family often used writers. We use writers, don't we? Everybody. Everybody except me. I like this. That's all I'm saying. Writers.

I know. Writers. Schmiters. Schmit saying. Writers. Writers. Schmeiters. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Text the show on 8 12 15.

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've been conducting a mystery. I found a lapel badge in a drawer with a sort of a Victorian stroke Edwardian gent on it with a big moustache and glasses. Yeah. And we put it on our...

What do we put it on? Twitter. Put it on Twitter. You're trying to identify the gentleman in the picture. Is it a badge I want to wear? But there's also a bit of me that thinks that your real question is, is this worth anything? No, I don't.

You've watched the same way as the Alice Cooper painting and your chair gained in value. It's not worth talking about. What do you reckon? Well, people have done Google image searches, because you can do this if you put in a photo. I didn't know you could do that. Amazing what they could do now, isn't it?

What are they going to come up with next? The money at the... Driverless cars, I think. The smart money at the moment... Well, you say driverless cars, and the smart money at the moment is on Emil Jelinek, who was a wealthy European, yes, I'm reading directly from Wikipedia,

wealthy European automobile entrepreneur with Daimler Motoren Gesellschaft. Why have I got... He was responsible for the first modern car, the Mercedes. Why have I got... He's bad. It's him.

Did you go to a Mercedes event? No, I don't think so. I mean, it might not be him. I'm not 100. Some people are saying it looks like Nietzsche. No, I'd love it now. I'd know Nietzsche. Oh, would you? I'm impressed by that, Frank.

Anyway, Emil Jelanek, people are saying. Well, if it's him, this might be the most disappointing texting in the history of British radio. Why did you get it? He was the last person I would expect to have a car-related badge.

Clarkson, if he was doing a What's My Badge? I might have taken him to an event. Maybe a VW badge. I prized off when I was a Beastie Boys fan. But not Karl Heinz Jenner. Gesselschrift. Yeah. Bless you.

And I'd also like to clear up, because I got the feeling that when I was throwing my pants in the bin earlier, you thought that I was throwing brand new, like, good quality pants. I mean, when they're done, like, when they're falling apart, I've been getting rid of the ones that need throwing out. I thought you were getting absent-minded. Oh, no. You know how you always tidy up a hotel room before you leave?

I'm throwing all the papers and my boxer shorts are in the middle of them. And the boxer shorts are going... So you're deliberately wearing ones that are on the turn. I think that's what I must have been doing in the last year. And then I've thrown some out and now I've got none. I'm going to have to buy some new ones before... I did that with... Before I fully run out.

I went to Germany once and I wore some shoes that were absolutely falling apart. Maybe that's where you got the badge. And I thought, no. Okay. And I thought... That's all me. No. I thought, these shoes, I'll chuck them away.

And then I realised I hadn't brought any other shoes. Oh. So I ended up buying. I had to buy shoes. And, you know, I didn't like that much. But it was Germany and there wasn't that much choice. There's no shoes in Germany. Very few shoes in Germany.

Great shoe shortage. Came back in a boot, didn't he? What are you getting at? Just a boot. No, look, it's a long time ago. Just forget about the boot. Honestly, you mention Germany to some people, their mind goes in one direction.

One direction? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we referred to someone who I know is quite close to your heart, is the Colonel. There's only one. Yes, Colonel Sanders.

Yeah. So you'll be delighted to hear they've launched a fashion range based on his, I'm going to call it his work. Yes. It's, go on. Go on, I've had a look. Have you seen it? They've got a whole range.

It's quite Hoxton, it's quite hipster beard, I should say. Streetwear, isn't it? Yeah, streetwear. Sweatshirts and socks and stuff. There's a yellow fried Chicken USA sweatshirt. They don't wear socks in the hipsters. Oh, good point. They've missed...

Yeah, that's bad. Well, they've sold out already, the drumstick socks. Have they? Yeah, I was going to buy some for Frank. Maybe the hipsters are going to start wearing socks. And the Colonel Sanders pillowcase sold out. Oh, I like the idea of that. You can buy a Colonel Sanders the black bow tie.

You know that he wears. The western bow tie. You can buy one of those. That's a good idea. That looks like it's not real satin though. It better be very nylon like doll fabric. The trouble with that. Your average KFC visitor is going to hide that

under a mountain of throat. He ought to be able to see the very bottom the sort of, you know the sort of snake tongue ends you get on with. That'll all be hidden. Yeah, under the customer's julep. Yeah, exactly. And there'll be some fungal, it'll become

part of the fungal infection in one of those folds. It'll smell nice though. One of the thingsgal infection in one of those folds. It'll smell nice, though. One of the things that really excited me was the T-shirt, sort of in the shape of it had a Colonel Sanders white jacket on it. Oh, I saw that, yeah. With the western tie.

Oh, that I like the sound of. A bit like a tuxedo baby grow. It's like, I interviewed Cliff Richard once and he wore a T-shirt with a necktie on it. Yes. Printed on it. Oh, excellent. Yeah.

Do you know, I've often thought, you know I do quite a lot of corporate entertainment, black tie. I've often thought, how good would it be if I could get

a tuxedo onesie? I mean, it'd be so much easier to transport. Oh, that'd be great. I mean, it would still fit because I'm a comic.

I'm not meant to be one of them. Yeah. But it'd be really easy to just throw in a bag. If you don't mind me saying. Thanks very much. You can pull that off. But I've looked, and can I find one?

What about body paint? Yes, I've thought about that. But, yeah, I'm not waxing for it. Is he or isn't he? That's what they'd be saying. But, you know, it used to be a thing, the models in the paper, and they looked like they were wearing a tight in the paper and when you look, they look like they're wearing

a tight Chelsea shirt, but when you look closer, they're like, yeah. Yeah. It'd be good to do that. Yeah. I often paint, I often paint on a pair

of swimming trunks. Do you? No one's ever noticed. Well, you don't get in the water, do you? So it's fine. I get in the water but it's very cold.

Yeah. You don't want that washing off though in there, do you? Oh. You can also, you can get a framed colour photo of the bargain bucket. Oh, that's good. That's a strange thing.

The clothing I can see, but when you're talking about putting stuff on your wall, I find that a bit odd. Is it just sort of ironic, but that's quite an East London thing, isn't it? Can I ask a question? Why are chicken drumsticks called drumsticks? Oh. They look nothing at all like drumsticks. They don't really look like drumsticks.

No. They should be called Indian clubs. Yes. That's what they look like. That is... Yes. Very good. Or juggling skittles.

Chicken... I'm sure that's the same thing. Pretty much, yeah. Skittle. Chicken skittles actually same surely that's the same thing pretty much yeah skittle chicken skittles actually sounds alright yeah I have a

I have a bucket of chicken skittles yeah that sounds like those skittles you know skittles the sweets you can get if you could get them

that were chicken had chicken in them they should do that in the skittles store dinner and pudding in the same bucket which they'll open to rival the M&M's store

they will yeah we'll have to be called something the Skittles store. Dinner and pudding in the same book here. Which they'll open to rival the M&M store. They will, yeah. We'll have to be called something like Skittles World. But why are chicken drumsticks called drumsticks? Hey, 12.15. We've been talking about the newly launched KFC streetwear collection. And if ever there was an opportunity for the scratch and sniff technology to be rolled out into clothing, this is it. Oh, I'd love that. Isn't this it?

Chicken tie pin. Chicken tie pin? Is that like what you order at... Chicken tie pin? What does that mean? I was just getting my tie order in. A tie? No, you know the little tie pin? Is that what you order at... Chicken tie pin? What does that mean? I was just getting my tie order in. A tie? No, you know the little tie pins? They've got those little tie pins. I was looking in the offices across the road.

I thought you'd spotted something remarkable. Chicken tie pin. The Saturday workers they're getting in now. Dragging the bottom of the barrel. What do you think of the pillowcase, Frank? Is it the idea that he's lying next to you? You're lying on him. Yeah.

The trouble is, having been to his grave recently, I find the connection a bit too much. I feel like I'm in his casket. Well, we all know what shape that is. You've established that. Chicken in a casket. I think I'd like the Colonel on the pillowcase when I was going to sleep, like, aww.

And then I think I'd wake up and go, ooh! I'm surprised. What's happened? Not for the first time in my life, let's face it. They ought to have brought out the suit. Am I drinking again? What do you think? They ought to have brought the suit out,

like the Colonel's suit. Oh, I'd buy that. Why don't they bring out the suit as pyjamas and then you could have the pillowcase? You could have the suit and with chips and coleslaw and it would be the three-piece suit meal. Yeah. I'd love that, a sort of Bianca Jagger look, Frank.

The whole thing did give me a massive flashback. Oh, thank God for that. I mean, I know you're a fan. Come on, I'm 60. Still got it. Do you remember what I told you about I won a brown and tan leather

Planet Hollywood London varsity jacket? It reminded me of that. I've still got it, actually. You've still got it. Well, I've already established you've still got it. You've still got it. And I do imagine it's designed to be worn very blouson,

with the arms pushed up. It's very warm. It really is a lovely, warm jacket. Yeah. And the idea, you know, of wearing a Planet Hollywood jacket seems like such from a distant age. I won one and so did Jürgen Klinsmann at the same ceremony. Just work with them all.

Yeah. I mean, honestly, if you came in here with a Planet Hollywood jacket on, I think we would think, what planet is he on? Oh, Planet Hollywood. Do you know what I would think, Al? I think it was a very cool, again, very hipster, Frank, quite fashionable now in an ironic way. I think you should crack that out.

I might do. It's a little bit big for me, and it's had big shoulders. It was a bit Gemma Collins. Double shoulder pads. Yeah, sort of SpongeBob air to it. But lovely. Maybe I will. Maybe I could wear it ironically now.

No, wear it. With a bleached jean. Could I get an embroiderer to write underneath Planet Hollywood London in brackets, worn ironically? That would be good. Well, if you wanted an embroiderer,

I reckon Stephen Fry would know where to get one. Do you think so? It's the sort of thing he'd know. Maybe. I'm not perfect to do that. I, um, did I say that if I, uh, you know you get those things like southern fried chicken and stuff like that? Oh, Dixie fried chicken.

Dixie fried chicken. If I brought out a shop that was ripping off KFC, do you know what I'd call it? What? Battery hens. Battery hens? Yeah. It's a bit depressing.

Yeah. I mean, it's not mouth-watering, is it? It means because they're battery. What? In that they are covered in battery. Oh, battery hens. Oh, I see. And it's a pun on battery hens.

I mean, when you have to explain them. To work to colleagues in comedy. Yeah. And I sometimes wonder why on earth I bother. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

We've had some more food news okay today which is extraordinary story and it involved cobras in a can okay i think there's three in total three killer cobras in that do you know those crisp cans frank three killer cobras in a can yes Three killer cobras in the... Do you know those crisp cans, Frank? Three killer cobras in a can? Yes. Like the Pringle cans. Oh, yes, yes.

Yeah. With the armistachioed friend on the front. Yes. Is that the man on my badge? There's no doubt that it might not be the man from Mercedes. Is that right? Well, the boffins are working on it. I say the boffins.

One man from your management company. But anyway... He does the work of several boffins, doesn't he? Yeah, and he wears a white lab coat, but it's in a T-shirt form. So these are two-foot-long snakes, and he sent them through the post, through the snail mail. Yeah, when it said they were through snail mail, it sounds like an inside job to me.

So what is snail mail? Regular mail. Just post? That's what they call it, snail. I've never heard that before. I've never heard that. Because it's slower than the electronic mail, you know, the e-mail.

Oh, the e-mail. So they go for snail mail, because comparatively snails are very slow. Slow coaches, yeah. So can you smoke snail cigarettes? Because they're a bit slower than the e-cigarettes. Oh, I don't know about that. No, well, I bet you don't.

Carry on. They haven't updated all of it to snail. He sent the cobras, and then he also sent what you would call an albino soft-shell turtle. I know. Some kind of an albino. Which looked like sort of dim sum, I thought. It looks like a side order. I could see the innards. Some kind of an albino? Yeah. Which looked like sort of dim sum, I thought.

It looks like a side order. I could see the innards. Exposed innards with the... I've got a can of chips and I'll have a side order of albino turtles, please. It looked to me like it's all ready to be a ghost. Yes. He's got his ghost outfit on already, that albino turtle.

He's thought ahead. I saw a description on the internet the other day as a carrot, no, a turnip. No, a parsnip. A parsnip as a ghost carrot, which I thought was very fine. Oh, yeah. Very fine.

I applauded. Yeah. But that's never going to work, putting these snakes in the post. That was the very unsuccessful follow-up movie, Snakes in the Post. Why don't... They'd be writhing around. What kind of cobras are they?

Killer? Yeah, killer cobra. I don't know if it's... Are they actually called killer cobras? Yeah, killer cobra. No, I don't know if it's tabloid hyperbole. It is called killer, though, is it? One of the cobras...

You know the cobras that's got... They've got, like, a lot of flesh round the neck. They've got a sort of Mr. T thing going on. I see what they look like, can't they? They spell it out if they're trying to. They look like alien ambassadors from old sci-fi movies. It's a bit Emperor Ming. Yeah, the Emperor Ming collar.

Or the Time Lords, they like a big collar. Yeah. And Star Wars. Star Wars, yeah. Yeah. Heavy on the big collar. Do the evil Time Lord, do they shrink those down? Does it go up and down?

Yeah, the cobra collar. Like a little pocket pump if they want to be scary. If they want to not be scary. What I've always imagined is the hooded cobra, because of the hood, that they are like you know they hang around in gangs on street corners oh yeah yeah and the king cobra is like you know he's he's doing well it would be a great version of trading places yeah if they took a hooded cobra and put it in the king cobra's place for a while and it had to live the life of, you know,

whatever the snake equivalent of Riley. What comes out of the snake charmer's pot? What do they tend to, who do they tend to work with? Now the snake charmer's pot, the way that, they're designed very like the urinal

you're given if you're in bed in a hospital. Oh, are they? Yeah, it's like a ball and then it's got a long neck on it. Oh, yeah. Except they're in wicker, which would make them an impractical substitute. No, I don't want that. But that is the cobra's vehicle of choice.

It's those... It's their choice. It's the wicker bed urinal. That's what your cobra would like to travel in. I think we've established that much at least. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

I think this guy who's been told off for having the snakes in the can should have just faced it out rather than getting arrested. He's just gone, I ordered these Pringles, they're full of snakes. Like, I hate that when there's... He could have been one of those people in the paper. Yeah, yeah, following objects in food. Looking outraged yesterday. Yeah.

But he didn't. He obviously didn't think of it. They said he might get 20 years in prison. Really? 20 years in prison for that? For an albino turtle and a couple of snakes? That's going to seem weird if people... You know that thing that people say, oh, you get less for murder?

It will be odd if he's sat next to them going, you're getting out, and I just got a tin full of snakes. And the albino turtle. I mean, that's just... No, they were all right. just got a tin full of snakes. And the albino turtle. No, they were all right. That puts the tin lid on it. The brilliant thing is they delivered those. They're fine.

Did they? Well, I'm going to send mine off immediately. No problem with that. If I was the judge, I would sentence him to three weeks in a tennis ball container. If you were a judge, I'd be panicking. We've had a text from 891 Frank saying I'm with Frank

never heard of snail mail and I'm a postie from Andy the postie there you go you see it's not a commonly held

it is it is it's you two that haven't heard of it but he's a postman he doesn't know it I mean he is the snail in question

well people maybe they don't want to tell him because they don't want to be rude about his jaw. I mean, it's a metaphor. I'm not calling him a real snail. No. But he is the snail. Just saying.

Sorry, Andy the postie. You know, love your work. You know that's a sack on his back, not a shell. They don't carry him on their backs anymore. They're like the rest of the... What, the snails? We've got a little trolley now. I know the posties. They've got to put them on wheels backs anymore They're like the rest of the What, the snails? Oh, they've got a little trolley now

The rest of the population They've got to put them on wheels Because they're a bit too heavy Oh, do they have the apprentice Slash stripper wheelies now? People at the airport Oh, I can't carry this bag I've got to put it on wheels

We'll stop in then Just stop in Don't travel anywhere Carry on Yeah Rob from Thurrock has texted Why are the sweets also called drumsticks? They're nothing like a

drumstick either. Do you know Julian who's in the studio today? He's the boffin. He's from my management company. We just met exactly at that point because I got sent a load of drumstick sweets. Did you? I don't even know what they are. They're like a

rectangle on a stick. Nothing like a drumstick't even know what they are. They're like a rectangle on a stick. Nothing like a drumstick. You know, chewy sweet. Never heard of them, love. Oh, okay. Oh, you haven't heard of snail mail over there. You haven't heard of drumstick sweets. We've also got a Tommy Cannon update. Remember we were talking about Cannon and Ball? Seems like hours ago. Possibly was.

Tommy Cannon runs a dog kennel in my village on the outskirts of York. That's from John. A dog kennel? Lovely. He runs a dog kennel. my village on the outskirts of York. That's from John. A dog kennel? Lovely. He runs a dog kennel. Do you mean a kennel? It must be a kennel.

It's a single kennel. A dog kennel. He's essentially a dog owner then, is what you're saying. I mean, if it's just one of those wooden houses with the arched door. That's like saying I run a cat litter tray. How much admin is there involved in running a kennel? arched door. That's like saying I run a cat litter tray. Yeah, but admin is involved in running a kennel. Get in there.

That's me done for today. Got to give it a clean. I suppose you have to give it a bit of a sweep out now and again. You've got to maybe put some Febreze in there if they've done a whoopsie. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's Frank Spencer's language. I don't think they do it in the kennel

do they? On the dogs? They barely go in the kennel Do you know what? They never mess their home No If you remember Butch from Tom and Jerry I do He sort of lay half in half out

That's right He really just completely used it Like a horse at the stables in many ways. You know, I love a Butch reference because he doesn't get much airtime these days and he was one of my favourite characters, Frank. He used it like a Turkish bath. It was just half in.

For all we know, we don't know what was going on back there. Did you have a little towelette wrapped around him? I think he might have been a mermaid in there just the second half of his body was all fish. Like the dog in Fly 2. Everybody tries to transform the dog and it doesn't come out right. It's just like slither.

The whole back of it is just slither. Yeah, half dog, half slither. That was an unsuccessful experiment. Have we paid for this? This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. You know every now and again we get texted in a classic joke? Someone's texted in a classic joke. 552 has texted,

Frank, I had this in my crossword clue. Overworked postman, can you help? Do you know this classic joke? No. You pretend you're doing a crossword. You've got overworked postman and then you ask the question, how many letters?

No, I've got too many letters. It's an overworked postman. Very, very fine. Love a classic joke. Strong work. So we should say, as we near the end of the show, that we weren't... Alan is not going to be on the show for how long?

Four weeks. I'll miss that boy, Big Daddy. Won't be the same without you around here. I wonder if anyone's writing it in their diary. So Alan is going to Edinburgh, where he shall be in the Edinburgh Festival in a show called Alanish Cockranish. Very good.

Lovely time. Well remembered, Frank. Well remembered. Not many comics remember the name. Stand three. Stand three. Which makes him sound like he's at the Ideal Homes exhibition handing out carrier bags.

Totes. Totes. Totes. Is it totes nowadays? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to get some Alan Cochran totes merch. That'd be good. I wonder if anyone will do totes,

because you do need a bag in Edinburgh. Oh, you do. I'm just going to write that down as a business idea. Alan is Cochran-ish totes-ish? Yeah. That'd be good, yeah. So what time is the show? 7.40pm.

I mean, if you're in Edinburgh, I very much recommend... I've seen Alan many times. Me also. And I'm always funny. Oh, cheers. So, yeah. I agree with that. I might come and see you, Al.

I'll see you in a month. Oh, yeah, good. Yeah, come along. Ruffle a few feathers. Hashtag tickets still available. But, you know, it's good. Yeah. Oh yeah, good. Come along. Ruffle a few feathers. Hashtag tickets still available, but you know, it's good. Yeah, so we got Piers Morgan for four weeks. Yeah, it's weird that, isn't it?

Which, I don't know, I'm tense about it. I'll be alright. Is he a little bit polarising? I don't imagine people will even notice that I'm not on it. Well, we just Google grumpy. He'll be talking about losing his pants and all that stuff. We'll just be the same.

We haven't really got Piers Morgan, do we? Who? Panic! Who? Panic! Get me married! Dead, of course. You can't just say that after everybody's dead.

Well, it's good to keep... I don't want people thinking, oh, actually, yeah, he sounds great. I forgot how good Corporal Jones was. I'll book him for our corporate. I'm saving people a bit of time. OK, thanks for that. Specific duty.

If you're going for a Dad's Army guest, I'm Lavender. And then... Well, we've seen Lavender. Obviously, we've had. Yeah. And then... Well, we've seen lavender. Obviously, we've had actual experience. I've met lavender at the Edinburgh Festival a couple of times. Well, we've seen him fall over. I didn't.

You did. I know. We saw him fall. We saw him on his knee. He fell over. He might not have fell over. What was he doing on his knees? Well, he might have come in.

He might... Maybe he thought, you know... He was genuflecting. Maybe he was on a fitness regime. He saw you and he was genuflecting. He was doing some primal regime. He saw you and he was genuflecting. He was doing some primal movement. I won't get the training today. I'll crawl him.

That'd be really good for you. It works the whole body, crawling. Crawling's great for you. Yeah, my upper body when I was an alcoholic was much better. Okay, well, have a fantastic festival. I'll try, I'll see alcoholic was much better. Okay, well, have a fantastic festival. I'll try. I'll see yous in a month. We shall miss you. We shall. But keep in

touch. We'll be reading the reviews. I will. Don't text me any feedback, will you? We'll still have you back. Thank you so much for listening this morning. Do us a favour, will you? Bring on the feathers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.