The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Travellers Cheques

Episode Date: April 1, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank, Emily and Alun take a trip down memory lane via the Post Office. They also discuss the new Ronaldo Statue, perfumes and noisy clothing.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This, however, not quite so perfect. It's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Please do follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website, if you will. I was only saying what a good start that was and then you said oh not quite so perfect well you know it's it's nothing's

100 in life i remember reading that in niall quinn's autobiography right yeah well i love some of your mentors i get a lot of my philosophy from uh from football uh autobiographies. And of course my top elevens of all time. It's usually about chapter twelve I find. I get them directly from the footballers but that's chapter seven. Yes. That'll be chapter seven in your autobiography

I should think. Just for a bit of revision what's the greatest name for any football autobiography? Oh. I think it was Alan Ball's It's All About A Ball. Oh, very good. I mean, come on!

That is good. And the greatest ever title for a cricket autobiography? Oh. It's just come up on the show before. Has it? Ian Botham's. Yes. Oh, yes, Don't Tell Kath. Yes. A title that you could have used. oh it's come up on the show before i see in both of them yes oh yes don't tell kath yeah a title that you could have used yes you can't tell kath anything in my experience

but um yeah that's very fine um um what about um i'm gonna go through them all now neville neville southall um former Everton goalkeeper, the bin man chronicles. Because he used to be a bin man. No, I'd kind of figured that out. Yeah. I mean, it's no pun, but I like it. Sometimes they just say what it is.

Paul Merson, rock bottom. Is that what that's called? Yeah. What about when Paul Merson first started having his... I mean, obviously, there's nothing funny about drink problems actually I've been getting laughs out of him for years come to think of it bought you quite a few houses

but when he did a press conference to say that he'd become an alcoholic such a shame respect to Paul, he's a great player he said you know I can't go to the you know the pub or the betting office anymore he said it's like you know it's like if you go to the pub or the betting office anymore. He said, it's like if you go to the hairdressers every day, eventually you're going to have a haircut.

I said, but nobody does that today. They don't go to the hairdressers every day and say, that's it, I want to give in. Have you got your plastic portfolio of hairstyles? Oh, anyway, I don't know how we got onto that, but I enjoyed it. Oh, I loved it. I'm enjoying it. Oh, you're speaking about it in the present.

You seem very itchy, Frank. I am a bit itchy. What's happened? I am a little bit itchy. I don't like to mention it every week. Have you got new threads on or something? I've got new threads on. I haven't done that thing of washing them before I put them on, so I think I'm getting... There could be labels for all I know. Oh, and those little plastic toggle things.

Oh, there's so many labels there. Do you know, I was out last night and one got tangled up in my necklace. What, a little plastic toggle thing? Yeah. Oh. It's... They're a real scourge, those things. Yeah.

It's the... I mean, how many times has someone sitting in a sweatshop in Central America been responsible for me being itchy? 8, 12, 15. Because still they put stickers on to say like, you know, Marianne okayed this and stuff.

You with me? Yeah, and sometimes little dots. I am a little bit itchy, you're right. Can I just say something? Say anything. No, no, don't say anything. Someone has graffitied on the side of this Absolute Radio studio desk. There's quite a bit.

In Sharpie, it says, I was here. It's great, the paper. Is it spelled W-U-Z? Yes, of course it is. Oh, wow. I mean, what sort of an animal working here has done that? It's not the OC, is it? I think there's been, I tell you what, of an animal working here has done that? It's not the OC, is it? I think there's been...

I tell you what, signs of a party. There was about six broken pens on the floor. Oh, no. What kind of a party was that? Michael Parkinson was here with his friends all night, Frank. Is it Bill Tidy's leaving party? Who's Bill Tidy? Who's Bill Tidy?

Ain't 12.50. No, I'll tell you. He's a very famous cartoonist. Oh, I see. He used to do a popular daytime TV show called Quick on the Drawing, which people had to do cartoons as sort of answers to questions. I mean, I was there. It might be a celebrity, Frank.

It says AP. The initials are AP. Alan Parker, the film director. Okay. We'll go through that. Is he Alan Partridge? Steve Coogan in character. It could be, yeah.

A person. This is a bit like playing I Spy with a kid now, isn't it? A person. That could be someone who doesn't want to give their real name, so just put AP for A person. I mean, I personally would have written A person. I mean, the level of secrecy of reducing a person to the initials. Now, there is a lot of...

It's been trashed. That's what's happened. In quite a gentle way. Is there graffiti on your end? Yes, there is, but I can't really describe it in full detail. Oh, it's not that. Let's put it, I had one exactly the same on my Roth book in 1969. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Someone solved the AP conundrum. Oh, yeah? You know I had graffiti, I was here, brackets, AP, close brackets. I thought it was Andy Peters. Apparently not. 657, could it be Annabelle Port? Who obviously works on Jeff Lloyd's show.

Yeah, it's a good chance. I think he's just chosen that randomly because there's a storm where he's phoning from. Oh, lovely. A Port in a storm. Or would it be Anna? Anna Port in a storm. Oh, yeah be Anna? Anna port in a storm. Oh, yeah. Very close to Anna.

I see what you've done there. Yeah, it was hard work. I hurt my shoulders a bit. But I'll be all right in a minute. I did a very nostalgic thing this week I'd like to share with you. Oh, OK. Because as my son often says to me, sharing is caring. Does he?

That's nice. And this is, yes, I wish I'd told that barmaid that in Wigan. I had six weeks on antibiotics. Anyway, so I went, I'll tell you what I did. What about this for a walk down memory lane? I cashed some travellers' cheques. You did it. Oh, excellent.

You did it. Who knew? That knew that is who knew they still existed where do you cash the things where do you find them do you go to a bureau de charge i didn't go to a bureau post office why can i ask a question about bureau de charge yes i mean why do you not care about the business enough to invest in a proper office space? Why is it always a glass cubicle on the wrong end, frankly, of a main thoroughfare? I always think that... Why a cubicle? Why not an office? They sort of pioneered the open plan thing,

which is very popular in modern offices. They fear a door, the Bureau d'Echange. Yeah, they don't like the sense of a door, I think. No. Because they're all about breaking boundaries down. Is it not a security issue? Do they fear doors? Because back in the day,

that was a shop that had a lot of cash knocking around. Oh, I see. Isn't that a good reason to be extremely pro-doors? I think they'd be pro-door. I mean, why would you want to display a door? In the Bure Bureau de Charge, I always remember the ladies wearing a pussy bow blouse. Tie it at the neck.

You see, I think maybe it's... You know the theory that if one of the great anti-burglary things is not locking your house up, but just keeping your house very exposed so the burglars will be seen getting in. All right. So maybe the Bureau de Charge have taken the same thing. It's just leave...

So the money... It's like dragons then. They've just got their money piled up on the desk. And that makes it less likely. I don't know. Does anyone here who works in a B2C... B2C? B2C, which has never been called. That's what they've written on the desk here. I need a B2C? B2C? B2C, which has never been called.

That's what they've written on the desk here. I need a B2C. Let us know what the theory is between the open plan aura. So you didn't go to a B2C. I didn't. You went to a... Well, first of all, I went to America with them. That was a long way to go.

Yes, and I thought I'll be able to cash them at one of the nice hotels. You took traveller's cheques to America? Why did you take traveller's cheques? That's what you're supposed to do with traveller's cheques. 1973. Yeah, but why else would you? You don't have to buy traveller's cheques and then use them in your own country. Don't buy traveller's cheques.

The clue is in the title. Yeah, I think Emily's onto something here. You specifically went and got travelers checks for your recent trip here's what happened okay i found this small i found a small envelope in one of my drawers he hates waste which contained um a 220 dollars worth of travelers checks and i thought i'm off to America soon. You can get a bottle of water at that. The timing could not have been better. Perfect. So I asked at the Econa Lodge.

I love that you stayed there. And the man said, I can't do the accent because he was actually an Indian man. Oh, right. Let's make him American in this story. We didn't need to know that. You could have got away without saying that. Well, that's the thing about Indian...

You could have just said, don't do the accent. Indian people in America... I don't know if you've ever met any Indian people in America or if you've ever watched Big Bang Theory. Indian people in America do not absorb in any way the American accent. They're just taught like Indian people. It's great. No, this far and no further.

Yeah. I think they're old in a grudge, got mixed up with the cowboys and Indians things. It wasn't even there. But anyway, so he's... So you took the traveller's checks. So he wouldn't... Peter Patel, his name was.

So he actually wasn't. He's probably Pakistani. Come to think of it. But anyway, let's not get into minutiae. Okay. So he wouldn't. He said, we don't change them. Right. And so then I said we don't change them. Right.

And so then I went to a much nicer hotel. It was almost like it was dawning on you that they were quite an outmoded form of currency exchange. Exactly. And then I went to the Paramount Hotel in New York, which at least used to be a nicer hotel. Oh, lovely. Smaller bedrooms though, Frank?

I'll be honest with you, it's gone off terribly. And the rooms are so small. But anyway, so I thought there was a concierge. So I thought, well, I'm not going to a bureau de chance, but I'll certainly go to a concierge. I nearly wore a negligee, but I decided a guinea. So I went up and I said, I've got some traveller's checks. And the guy went, hey, Sue, come here.

And he called her over to have a look at my traveller's checks. And she went, traveller's checks? They were like... And then another member of staff came up and laughed out loud. And after all this, they said, no, we don't do them. So I took them. I basically took them to America for a little holiday. I never used any of them.

I just carried them around and then brought them back. I mean, I know it's travel, but it's not what they were meant for. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, have we heard from the outside world at all? A little, yes. Un petit. It's regarding traveller's checks, Frank.

Oh, well, I came to hear about that. Which I know, much like Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, you're bringing traveller's checks back. Yeah. He says, I say he, this is 224, his name is Scott, he says, Frank, I'm with you on bringing traveller's cheques back. Yeah. He says, I say he, this is 224, his name is Scott, he says, Frank, I'm with you on the traveller's cheques. Always take them to Vegas and never have any issue

cashing them. Safe and secure. It's the future, not the past. And then he signs off, Scott Satin Kilburn. Sat in Kilburn? Yeah. He's not Satin. No, it's not Satin. It's not a double barrel name. He's not Satin. No, he's not Satin. It's not a double-barrelled name.

Hi, Scott Satin Kilburn. I was thinking he could be called Scott Satin. He could be like a sort of a rock singer. Scott Satin comma Kilburn. He's actually seated in Kilburn. But he likes to go to Vegas. So the idea of him being called Scott Satin... It works. Yeah, it's such a journey.

I met a bloke in America previously called Jimmy Velvet. Did you? So Scott Satin would work. Oh, I love a fabric-based surname. Yeah? Nick has also sent us a message. The Silk family was big at West Bromwich Albion, you know, the boardroom.

There's a lot of tweeds and tweedies around. The Silk family. There is. Fabric-based surnames. 812... No. No, please don't send any. Billy Cotton? Nick has sent us...

No, I don't want to know any. Nick has sent us an email that seems to be some kind of haiku based on... Oh, lovely. Confusion. Confucius? It's titled Frank Like Confusion.

At Stansted I get breakfast. I then get a coffee. You want a banana with dat? I am asked. I calmly reply I don't understand. He motions to the side where I can read free banana with every coffee. I nod my head and take my free banana.

That's what he's emailed. It's beautiful. If you've got a haiku for us today. Or in that case, a low coup. Then don't send it in. Well, I'd rather you set that ahead of your fabric-based surnames. If you'd be so kind.

To be honest with you, on the nostalgia travellers' cheques, it's the first time I've been in a post office for ages, and that really took me back. Yeah, they've mainly gone online, haven't they? Did you have the cashier number four, please? Yes. Oh, I like that.

And you know my mother, who was an actress, always used to say, when they'd say, cashier number four, please, she'd say, sorry, darling, I'm on. Brilliant. Did she get a two-minute call? Yeah, an encore. No, well, I was in the I queued at the

it's called holiday section or something like that in the post office I don't know that and there was a woman there I looked at the number on the screen it said 77 so I took my ticket out of the machine it said 209 I thought hold on a minute

what do people's gut they get it and then they say i'm just gonna go for a swim i'll come back with my numbers yeah so it turns out there's a separate number system on the uh on the travel section oh in the travel section do they have a little i hope anyway they have a little tableau arranged maybe with a little parasol and a towel there. No, she sat in a deck chair, the woman. Yeah. Scott's been back in touch. Remember Scott Satin?

Yeah, he says, Frank and the gang, thanks for my new nickname scott satin brackets waiting around in kilburn to avoid any confusion oh okay oh i'm glad we've spent some nights with scott satin nights with scott satin in the end um yes um it's a good name, though. It doesn't surprise me that the traveller's cheques were accepted over there, though. At the post office. Well, because the post office is based in the 1970s,

that's why it was all right to go in there. I meant in Vegas, but I also agree that the post office, that doesn't surprise me. No, it was... Well, it did surprise me. I'd almost given up that I'd ever be able to get them cashed. It was either... If they hadn't accepted them,

I'd have gone straight to the framing shop. How did the encounter go, then? Did you just say... The encounter at the counter? Yes. In the woman in the deck chair. It was actually... I thought the way to play it is to pretend it's not a problem.

Yeah. To pretend that I'm cashing travellers' cheques maybe two, three times a week. So I went in, I said, I've got ahing travellers' cheques maybe two, three times a week. So I went in, I said, I've got a few travellers. Oh, what's, why have you got balloons up? I said, I thought, you know, you know, that thing's a misdirection. What have you got balloons up for?

She said, oh, we're advertising a new thing for travel. It's a new card where you can... I thought she was going to say it's a new form of cheque. She said it's a new credit card that you can use abroad. You can use it in seven different countries. You could have done that. Isn't that a credit card? I thought this...

Well, it's set you a lot of travel money to it. So if it's stolen, they can't take anything from you. Good idea. Yeah. Well, I thought Yeah well I thought that I thought this is just the sort of idea that might have superseded the traveller's cheque. So I said yeah whatever mind about that I've got a few um I've got a few oh that was nice isn't it today sunny it's some traveller's cheques sunny isn't it really Really sunny. Anyway, I thought, just make it like it's normal.

Do you know what? Just act normal. I know, but I bear in mind... Weirdly, that's the least normal you've ever acted. Weirdest you've ever been. Bear in mind, I got more laughs with travellers' checks in New York than I got a whole night at the Brits. So I was expecting the worst.

Anyway, she just said, oh, yeah, OK. Did she say, oh, yeah, I'll do that? Hang on a minute, what the? Yeah. She suddenly played the tune from The Last of the Suburban. And said, are we back in the... No, she didn't. No, I think I made...

You know what, I made it normal. No, it sounds like you made it extremely weird. No, no, I made it normal. Making it it sounds like you made it extremely weird. No, no, I made it normal. Making it normal has stood me in good stead over the years, in hotel rooms all over Britain. Just make it normal. Anyway, so she gave me my money. It's like £147 and some change.

I've felt... I left there feeling like the man who broke the bank in Monte Carlo. Fantastic. I had a real spring in my step. Yeah, that was just in a drawer. That's like free money to you. I mean, I was absolutely thrilled. And I did, I must admit,

I probably walked a little bit faster than I normally walk. Because I was like, um, excuse me. And then a woman saying, um, I nearly fell for that. Give me that money back. But no, it's OK, they still exist. If you've got any traveller's checks at home, you can have a look during this. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

Have we anything from the outside world? Well, we will. We'll get on to that in a minute, but I've got something I'd like to ask you. OK. Because I saw you on the nightly... Ask Away. Oh!

Ask Away with Frank Skinner, brand new series. That could be all right, couldn't it? It'd be like, they have people... Well, basically people asking me stuff, I'm guessing. Ask Away. That's the format that's just... Bit of a football nod as well, because Frank loves his football.

He loves his soccer. Unless it's me rejecting pizza. Anyway. Yes, I saw you on the Nightly show this week. Yes, yes. I was very excited, Frank. I was gutted. So did I, actually. Did you? Alan saw a telly programme.

I was gutted. See, I arrived fully expecting it to be hosted by Keira Knightley. I thought that's saw a telly programme. I was I arrived fully expecting it to be hosted by Keira Knightley. I thought that's what it was all about. That would have been great. Twice Knightley. So no, it was Ramsey. Yeah. Alf Ramsey. Now I, the Knightley show is something

I've missed out on because I was I was away toting my traveller's checks around North America. Oh yeah, you were busy. So I missed the first two weeks of it. There was Davina, David Williams and John Bishop. Yes, John Bishop.

So I, people were talking to me about it and they weren't always praising, I'll be honest with you. I think it was the butt of some jokes on comic relief as well. It's difficult starting these things off, isn't it? Anyway, so the first time I saw it, I was in it. That was my...

So it was too late then to think, you know what? No, but I had a lovely time on it. But on the way, can you believe this? Now, when you do a TV show, as you'll both know, they send you a car to pick you up and take you to the studio, which is fair enough, paid for by the TV production. I'm not saying it's the only reason, but it's a hugely motivating factor. It's lovely.

So I got in the car and it's filmed at a theatre in called the Cochrane funnily enough. Oh is it? Yeah. So I was chatting to the driver generally about life and he said you know we're going to the Cochrane theatre and then when he got there

he saw the big sign outside. He said you're doing the nightly show. I said yeah. He said, you're doing the nightly show? I said, yeah. He said, oh, do you? I said, don't say that. He said, have you seen the reviews? I said, mate, did you not hear it? I am doing, I'm going to do it now.

He said, yeah. He said, oh, no. He said, I don't like it. I said, mate, let me say that again. I'm just about to do it. I said, mate, let me say that again. I'm just about to do it. I said, you know, giving me a lot of negative vibes. I thought that was true. Honestly, of all the people that I expected to ever use the phrase negative vibes,

you would have been lowest of the list. Well, what would your father say? I'm happy with that. Did you put your hand in your pocket, grab some salt and throw it in his face? I think I've been using the phrase negative vibes for 40 years. Have you? I think it's in Kelly's Heroes.

OK. Well, I use the phrase, which is slightly more, you know, scented candles. I use the phrase negative energy. Oh, OK. I said to someone, only this week, I'm getting a lot of negative energy from you. Also, I don't like the idea that a driver is making a qualitative judgment

on the programmes he's delivering people to. And who's he being paid by? The programme. If you only drop people off to TV shows that you like, you'll probably do about three journeys a year, wouldn't you? Yeah, well, with this driver, I don't want to be doing Bible Watch every week.

We've had a text in about you pretending that cashing in travellers' cheques is completely normal. OK. I often embellish the truth to cashiers when I'm embarrassed at what I'm buying.

E.g., should I clear my throat? Do you think it needs it? That's not in the text. Oh, I thought that was going to sound so hard to tell. There we go. It's just Emily told me off a few weeks ago when I hadn't cleared my throat. She went, could you clear that?

It's really awful. It sounded fine. Oh, it's fine with love. Yeah. Anyway, e.g., when I'm buying too much Greggs, I often use lines such as i'm on the lunch run or i think i think they wanted iced donuts oh i think they wanted the iced donut yeah i've even pretended to be on the phone while i take orders from my inverted commas colleagues even

though my lunch run or i think oh, God, it's repeating itself. Even though I work alone, he says. Oh, even though I work alone. And interestingly, he says, do I need help? But he says from mash. He's even got a food-based name. Oh, it's nominative determinism, isn't it? But when I buy a toilet roll, I'm still self-conscious about that.

I always say something like, I'm just going to a football match. What? What do you mean? You know, when people throw a toilet... I know what they do, but just buy the toilet roll. Everyone does it. No, and if I buy a toilet roll, I have to buy four or five other things, even if I just want a toilet roll. If you walk in and buy a toilet roll,

people think, well, I hope he gets out of the shop before... If he's at that point where he's had to come out and just buy a toilet roll. People think, well, I hope he gets out of the shop before... If he's at that point where he's had to come out and just buy a toilet roll. Especially that time I went in and I had my trousers and pants still around my ankles. Oh, no. Wow. You got a toilet roll, please?

I'll tell you what I think. Can't reach my change. Sorry. My shawl. Sorry, my shawl. My shawl, your bureau. If I see anyone in an off license making a big song and dance about a wine that we're buying or i'm taking one to dinner party or giving any sort of story i think you're going home to drink that alone yeah well i've done that

i'm sorry i'm sorry i remember a woman smelling whiskey on my breath at 8 30 at the bus stop in the morning yeah she said hold, you've been drinking whiskey? And I said, Oh, I just nipped in a mate on the way in. He said, Why don't you have a whiskey? And I'd just been polite. She looked at me.

She said, No, no, you didn't. I was this complete stranger. She said, No, you didn't. And then stopped talking to me. Someone else has also been saying negative vibes for about 40 years and I swear

I got it from Donald Sutherland in Kelly's Heroes. Because he is the, he's a tank driver but he plays music. Yeah. And every time somebody says something about the war being bad or something, he says, don't give me negative vibes. That's exactly it. Well, that's what

Trevor Lake then goes on to say, Alan. Oh, okay. Do you want me to be the bearer of the news. He says, don't give me negative vibes. That's exactly it. That's what Trevor Lake then goes on to say, Alan. Oh, OK. Do you want me to be the bearer of the news? He says, but I watched it a few years back and the phrase she actually uses is always with the negative waves. So he doesn't say negative vibes. Apparently.

We've had that from a couple of different sources. Ian Stewart Dootson has texted, hi, Frallon. I think that's Frank Allen. Oh, that's good. I feel it's ironically it's caused very negative waves, this information.

Sorry to be partly pedantic but it's actually negative waves Moriarty. Don't give me negative waves that Donald Sutherland says in Kelly's hearing. And I've been saying it and I what a fool I am made of myself. Decades worth. Decades worth of foolishness that you're flashing back to now.

I think you've done worse, Frank. That was not the worst thing you've ever done. I know, but it's terrible when you go back and see something and think, I've always remembered it like this, and in fact it was like that, because then you've got to question all the other things you remember. It's gone a bit existential now, hasn't it? But let's just take some time out to think what we might have misremembered

Perhaps I stormed it at the Brit This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran You can text us on 81215. How about that? Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. I want to email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Don't you know.

I mean, we are getting texts, not just about negative waves. We're getting... No, don't send me any negative waves. 111 has texted, whatever happened to Frank's poetry news update? Yes. Remember that? Yeah. I downloaded the poetry news update

app and I never got any news at all about poetry. As if poetry had stopped. Didn't you try and get your money back? I got my money back. Oh good. 49p. It's one of those... I'm not throwing that away. It's one of those consumer stories that's got a happy ending. Yeah.

Funny thing was they sent me in traveller's check form. No, no, I was furious about that. Yeah, I'm surprised. I mean, to use the words news and update, and then the thing never budges at all. It's wrong. It's wrong. We should probably do statue news

updates, shouldn't we? Is that something we do regularly? We do it quite regularly though. I think we covered if I were a sculptor but then again no. Sudden change of heart and so he decided to pursue a far more sensible career.

Of selling potions in a travelling show. Yeah. Of course, if you worked in a travelling show. You know what you'd be able to use. Oh, that'd be very handy, wouldn't it? The thing is, I didn't tell you, those travellers' cheques, they were American Express travellers' cheques. Not with the travellersller's Checks.

You'd think Americans would be up for having them. Yeah, but did they have, Frank? I'm surprised they weren't Diner's Club Traveller's Checks. I know, but to be refused... For a man of my age to be refused an American Express Traveller's Checks, a man who grew up with the phrase, American Express, that'll do nicely. Yeah.

For them then to be rejected is a bitter blow indeed. Anyway, statue news. Christine Rinaldo. Yeah, Christiana. Yeah. I'm just doing my affectionate thing that I do for men on this show. They get given a girl's name, like Simone Cowell.

Oh, lovely. He's been committed to statue form. Speaking of Elton John, he told me that Robert De Niro got furious when him and David Furnish insisted on calling him Roberta. Oh, really? He didn't like him. Oh, dear. Yeah, I know.

Do you think he kept saying, are you talking to me? I hope he did. I really hope he did. When he does that, you couldn't get a bus ticket between his jaw and his chest. That's what I like about it. Straight down here. The triple ridge.

Oh, it's brilliant. Statue. Cristiano Ronaldo has been committed to statue form and the internet and many viewers have said statue don't like it they don't like it's a bust isn't it well yeah it was unveiled because it's always i couldn't introduce this is always unveiled as plans are i couldn't introduce it as bust news well i mean that would be you know a bust update would have been a great thing yeah um yeah people that people do not like it and uh i think cristiano does he thinks it's all right i gotta say he loves it

i i i think it's all right as well i think he looks a bit like cristiano ronaldo in a circus mirror that's the thickness of the neck no no but that's why they've got it absolutely right. Okay, calm down, dear. No, he has got one of those very thick necks. But there's no... What it looks... I tell you what, if I drew Cristiano Ronaldo on my fingernail, it would be an accurate representation of the size of his head compared to the thickness of his neck. Right.

He's got a very, very muscular thick neck, and I think that's one of its strengths, the statue. I don't think it's captured his good looks necessarily. No. He's got a neck which looks like it was designed for a much larger head. Yes, yes. And so is the statue.

It was made by Emmanuel Santos, who was a former cleaner at the airport. Again, that's great. He's only been a sculptor for two years. Yeah. But then again, no. Because I heard it took him 15 days to make this and Rodin spent 10 years making the kiss.

Oh, but there's two people in the kiss. That's going to add time. Double trouble. That's a lot of work. That would have taken Emmanuel Santos 30 days in that case. But it's good, you know, he lives in it. I mean, in Rodan's time, you know, you could take your time.

Why? We live in the modern world. We need the Emmanuel Santos approach. Yeah. This is from Mr Traveller's Check over there. I honestly think that sometimes in the paper you can put a caption on something and it might be someone standing by a bus stop and it says,

sinister hanger about. And you think, oh yeah, that bloke does that. And if you sing it without the caption, you're just singing that's a bloke at a bus stop and I think it's alright 8, 12, 15 what's the worst statue you've ever seen the Frank Skinner show

listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio yes Cristiano Ronaldo and his thick neck some people said we were talking about Niall Quinn earlier that it looked more like Niall Quinn Yes, Cristiano Ronaldo and his thick neck. Yeah. Some people said, we were talking about Niall Quinn earlier, that it looked more like Niall Quinn.

Well, as you know, Niall Quinn is a great inspiration of mine. I must have told you the Niall Quinn's uncle story from his autobiography, have I? I don't know. He's had three mentions on this show. I can't believe his luck. Niall Quinn's uncle lived alone and he used to, when he got back, you know when you go back to

when you go out drinking and you drink? Very large bottom Niall Quinn. It's good for a strike. Oh, it's great. So anyway, his uncle used to drink a lot and when you drink a lot in the end you can't be bothered to sort out the correct change for a drink so you end up just

get cashing notes and you get a i've i've woken up and couldn't lift my trousers from the floor they had so much loose change in the pockets and his uncle used to get back with the loose change and he'd go into his uh into one of the rooms in his flat and he'd throw the change onto the carpet and then he had one golf club in there. And he used to, before he went to bed, he would drive the individual examples of change. He'd hit them until they stuck in the plaster of the wall. He said one of the walls was just a mass of loose change

where it stuck in. And he told this story, and I remember the last sentence, he sort of said, and as I say, he lived alone. But what a tremendous story. And I remember the last sentence he sort of said, and as I say, he lived alone. But what a tremendous story. It's up there with beer wolf. It is sort of beer wolf.

Beer golf. Yes. While we're on the subject of beer, we've had a tweet in from Michael Coffey. That's ironic, isn't it? Michael Coffey sending a beer about. He's seen the error of his ways. Nice to see Frank kept mementos

from his colourful past. Hashtag whatever happened to. So it is technically in the whatever happened to corner. Shall I give it a jingle? Well whether you think it deserves to go in Frank. It is a beer can with a scantily clad lady May, Marie, June, Sylvia, et cetera.

Do you remember these? I do. I remember them in tasteful swimsuits. Is that... I would describe these as negligés. Don't give me no negligé waves. Marie has a silk shirt on, open. Well, they were tasteful. There was no

I wouldn't describe them as tasteful. I wouldn't describe the concept of a woman on a beer can as tasteful. There was no breast points is what I'm saying. Oh my goodness. It's a big barrier in the glamour photography. Once you get

to breast points it's a whole different world. Yeah, I remember them. Do you? What was the beer? I don't remember those beer cans at my parents' dinner parties. No. But I do remember people drinking them. I think it was Mc-something.

OK, I'm sure they'll tell us. As McKinnon's. All right, yeah, yeah. What's great is the names are all fabulously 70s. I know. Heather, Sally, Norma and June well of course they were around at the same time as when you bought knots they used to be on a cart

and they'd steadily reveal a girl in a tasteful swimsuit and the idea the actual somebody thought people would buy more nudes more knots that was a fabulous more nudes more knots because a fabulous... More nudes. More nudes.

Because they wanted to see the girl underneath. I'm sure that never happened. I don't know. 8, 12, 15. We've had various communications about the beer cans with scantily clad ladies on. Beer can. Excuse me.

Eggs and beer can. There's a bit of debate. There's a bit of debate. Chris in Walsall has texted McEwan's Frank, which I thought straight away he's thrown a bullseye there. I remember it. And then immediately I changed my mind because we've had quite a few texts saying Tennant's Lager.

I think Tennant's probably is right. I think the reason I was thinking of a muck is Tennant's is a Scottish thing, isn't it? Yes. Here you go. Sorted. Next. Yeah, dealt with. There's 300 others discussing it. you the tenants lovelies

yeah in 1962 the lager lovelies grace cans of the famous scottish lager until 1991 i didn't think it was that early 62 anyway it's a different world didn't think it was that late different worlds um i think they had completely naked women on spam if I remember right we didn't know you see 756 has texted worst statue JFK on Marleybone Road by Regent's Park Crescent I haven't seen that one

I must check that out I love a terrible statue so do I Steve Yvette's statue in Brighton not very flattering of the great man I always suspected Lord Kerr's involvement. Let it be, Seb, he says. What about that one of Nelson Mandela in Parliament Square? He's not a bad likeness, but he looks like a bloke

who's washed his hands and can't find a towel. You know when you're holding your hands and can't find a towel. It's just holding your hands slightly away from your suit. But then it is, there's more pressure on the modern sculptor. I'll explain. For example, the Burgers of Calais. I don't know what they look

like. I'm sure they're nice men. But I don't. I couldn't analyse their facial characteristics in the way I can Ronaldo's. We know what Ronaldo looks like. It's a tougher gig these days. But Rodin, who did the Burgos of Calais, also did things like Balzac. This is true.

There are pictures of, so you can check them out. They're very blurry, Frank. I think we can say Rodin was not bad as a sculptor. Well, he took his time about it, but yeah. Hashtag late review. Rodin was a good sculptor. But you're quite right. With modern ones, you do know what the people look like.

I mean, I think my best bit of sculpture, I was at the home of former heavyweight champion of the world, Larry Holmes. Not ideal, you might think. Not ideal Holmes. Yeah. Larry Holmes. And it's very nice.

We were chatting and he said, do you want to come see my statue? Oh, I love it when they say that. Yeah. Well, it is one of the best questions I've ever been asked by anyone. It means something different. So we got in his car.

We got in his car and he drove me to his statue, which was about half a mile up the road. And we went and had a look at it. And if you want to talk about comparing the lightness, quite handy to have the bloke with you. So we had a bit of a walk around Larry's statue, me and him. And how was it? It was good.

It was a good lightness. I mean, he was a bit younger in the statue, which and him. And how was it? It was good. It was a good likeness. I mean, he was a bit younger in the statue, which was awkward. Hey! Why haven't they got a statue of you in Birmingham? This is what we need. No, look, I'm on the walk of fame. Yes, you are. The things you've done

for that town. He's not greedy, though. Not greedy. I tell you, I... We need a statue. Hey, it's not a town. No, it's a city. Whatever. Let me point that out. But I think we need to get a statue for you in Birmingham. I think that will never happen. It's funny you say that, though, because if there were a statue of me,

what I would want the sculptor to do is give me a really spiky hairstyle that seagulls and pigeons would then avoid. That's what I want for my statue, if ever. It's a wonder. I'm thinking there's never been a Gary Crowley statue. Well, Jedward, that's going to be fine when they get their statues.

Again, it's the double thing. See how long it took Rodad. 30 years of her trying to get those two done. If I did a Jedward statue, I'd definitely want them playing Leapfrog. That sums them up. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about the new Ronaldo bust. But not before mentioning the Tommy Cooper statue. Oh, yes. That's like a Philly castle wearing a top hat. It looks like a seven foot Frankenstein going out to the opera. But isn't that what Tommy Cooper

looked like? He didn't wear a top hat especially. No, he didn't wear a top hat. He famously wore a fez. Why would they put the wrong hat on? So is he actually wearing a top hat? It's not just a badly sculpted fez. Apparently so. That can't be true, can it? I think there's a famously bad... Can we get someone on that?

Can someone Google Tommy plus Cooper plus top plus hat plus... Do people still use the plus? Do people still use the plus? I just ask Jeeves. Do you? Do people's anyone ever... I love the idea that you ask Jeeves,

where can I get rid of traveller's checks? Do people still put in www? No. HTTP. When I Google, I just put in the names. For example, if I want to find big bottom footballers, let's say, well, we've said one, Niall Quinn, Scott Parker. Right.

I will put in Scott and then just the name Parker. Some people I know, they insist on the little quotation marks every time they search. Why do they do this? Time to waste, these people. You're on point. You've got stuff to do. I know. We should say that this bust of Ronaldo, the reason it's happening

is because they've named an airport after Cristiano Ronaldo. Madeira, yes. What is Madeira Airport? I'm not sure I'd want to fly into Cristiano Ronaldo. Madeira, yes. What is Madeira Airport? I'm not sure I'd want to fly into Cristiano Ronaldo Airport. No. Gather round for this. Okay. Because you only get

a little bit of turbulence and it goes down straight away. Come on! Come on! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Little bit of turbulence, goes down straight away. Come on! Hear ye! Hear ye! Little bit of turbulence, goes down straight away.

Oh, very pleased with that. He feels the need to not just have the jingle, he has to then say, hear ye, hopefully. I worry that you are going to have a horrible, paranoid nightmare that the second rendition of it got a bigger laugh than the first rendition. That's okay.

Just remember that there is a second laugh. He just wants to laugh. It's a great honour, though. I mean, there aren't many. I thought you were going to say it was a great joke and we're going to do another ten minutes on that. No, but there's John Lennon, there's George Best, John Wayne, JFK.

And there's Kennedy, yeah. Yeah, there aren't loads. Skinner. Skinner roundabout. Again, I don't think I'll ever get that I think you will The only way I'll ever get an airport Named after me Is if I change my name by Deanpole

To Stan Stead Maybe I'll think about that You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast From Absolute Radio We've had a lovely picture sent in You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had a lovely picture sent in from Godders, one of your friends. Oh yeah. John Wayne.

I didn't know he was calling himself that nowadays. Wow. John Wayne Airport. His brummy pals call him that. John Wayne Airport, and he's pointed out you don't often see coloured statues outside of churches. No. Which is true. And Scotters is pointing that out, though, so I take him seriously.

Actually, abroad you see painted statues. Oh, OK. North Europe, I would say. Oh, we had a correctionian, didn't we, regarding the Tommy Cooper statue in Caffelli. Yes. He's wearing a fez

but he's got a top hat in his hand poised perfectly to extract rabbits from. That's from Fitch in Birmingham. What about when it rains? It just overflows. That's a good point. I don't think any rabbits are harmed in the making of this statue.

No, I didn't think there was a real rabbit in there drowning. I mean, you don't think any rabbits are harmed in the making of this statue. No, I didn't think there was a real rabbit in there drowning. I mean, you don't want to make anything that contains water on a statue. How many hats can you be associated with in one lifetime? Well, I don't associate him with the top hat at all. Stick with one hat. If you had to be associated with a hat, Frank, which one would it be? Well, I'm not good on hats because I've got a very big head. Oh, no, you don't look good in them, do you?

No, it's like me and the Elephant Man. I've got a very big head. Oh no, you don't look good in them, do you? No, it's like me and the Elephant Man. I've got to be honest. I could wear the Elephant Man's hat, but I don't like the hessian. It irritates my face. Because I just insulted you, could I give you a small bit of praise? I don't mind you. Which was, on that Gordon Ramsay show, you

in that suit, Rat Pack, just saying, Shinba Wood. Lovely. You're on my Shinba Wood. I enjoyed the nightly show. Frank just started itching when I said that. I'm going to change the subject as quickly as I can. Kathy's one of my dearest friends.

She's one of my dearest friends. There she'll pick me up on the use of the phrase one of. You look good, so don't worry about the hat thing can i ask you a question about um cristiano ronaldo yeah i've always felt that straight men are pretty rubbish at telling whether a man is attractive or not and straight women i've always thinks pretty rubbish about telling if a woman's attractive oh Oh, OK, that's interesting. Do you think Cristiano Ronaldo is a good-looking man? No!

I'll do that again. No! But he's so close to being a good-looking man. I can't quite... If you saw an unassembled jigsaw of Cristiano Ronaldo's face, you'd think, well, that is the jigsaw of a very good-looking man. When you put it together, you'd think, oh, no, actually. He's a classic example of what men think are good-looking man. When you put it together, you think, oh, no, actually. He's a classic example of

what men think are good-looking, and what mums sometimes are saying. He's dishy. He's rosny. There's something missing. Yeah, I agree. Yes, I would agree with that. And I really can't work out what it is. Nearly good-looking is what I like to call him. But then you see, you're David Gandhi. He is good-looking in a similar way,

but I would say, most of the women in this room, maybe? No, he is good-looking. Yeah, definitely. would say most of the women in this room maybe but he's fanciful as opposed to good looking Ronaldo's girlfriend very good looking she was there on the day yep

not really involved but she's used to that the sculptor I wondered where you were going with that. She had to make her own arrangements on the day. She sort of stood back a bit, didn't she? Well, there's a question about this, and again... Yeah, but do we want to ask it?

No, no, I'm not going to ask that. Not about that. Here's the question. Ronaldo... Now, this might be to do with a personal thing, but I'd like to ask you both this. He wears an earring, Ronaldo. Now, for me, an earring is Birmingham 1982.

Yeah. You know, when blokes started wearing earrings. Now they look a bit, well, they look naff. Well, it's a bit David Essex. Hold me close. If it's like a weirdo bloke with those big black ones that stretch your lobes. I love those.

Sorry, Frank. Weirdos. Well, you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. They look like if they wobble their head, they could play table tennis with you. If it's like that, great. But he's like a bloke in a little earring now, isn't he?

It's like having a mullet or something. Yes. Yeah, I mean, I think he's also had a mullet. I agree. I think a little gold earring, it's a bit 80s band, isn't it? Yeah. It reminds me a lot of quite big blokes in Birmingham in the 80s. Oh, yeah.

Who would have them into, I don't know what. I don't know what statement you're making with that earring. It beats me. I think a lot of them went night fishing and they just used to secure the twine to the earring so they could sleep until they got a nice bit of tench

that's my verdict if you've got an earring at home in your mail sorry one more thought on Cristiano Ronaldo Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio One more thought on Cristiano Ronaldo Well, you might have more Oh, I've got thoughts

He's rumoured to do 2,000 sit-ups a day Is he really? Yeah, which Wow I think 300 of those actually make him stronger and the rest is just time-k killing until he can play football again. Well, you know more about these things than any of us, of course. How many sit-ups a day do you do?

None. Really? But the sculptor... I wasn't expecting that. The sculptor said that Ronaldo didn't really want to change very much of the sculpture. He just asked for them to remove some wrinkles on his eyes because they made him look old and he wanted it to... Well, his brother said that, I believe. Oh, but he passed on the sculpture. He just asked for them to remove some wrinkles on his eyes because they made him look old and he wanted it to...

Well, his brother said that, I believe. Oh, but he passed on the message. He passed on the information through the brother. See, I think there was probably about 80 other messages from Ronaldo saying, do I really need a shirt on in the statue? Could I not have, like, my six-pack out? But it's a bit ironic when you've got a sculpted torso

and then you get a bust on at your airport he must have been sick i mean he'd have been happier if they'd left the head off yeah yeah and just and just on uh well that's his brand the torso isn't it yeah they could have extended the neck into the number one runway oh do you know you're wasted Well I haven't been wasted since 1986 It's a while I know In other football news Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Friend of the show He is He's a man with a thick neck Long neck He's a man who's got He's basically got hair On the top of his neck. And what he's done is he's drawn a face on his neck just above his Adam's apple.

He looks like a Pez dispenser, doesn't he? He does. I think I said it before. He looks like a ballpoint pen. He's got that... I mean, he is, but he's a fantastic footballer. Very good. And character.

Yes, and character. He crosses over into my Venn diagram at this point because he's launched a fragrance. Not his first time at the Fragrance Rodeo, may I say. Oh, he's launched previous fragrances. He had Zlatan. Yes.

They had a think tank, got together, came up with some ideas, they came up with Zlatan. Now he's launched Supreme. Supreme is a unisex fragrance. Oh, is it? Yes, I believe so, because all the fashionable fragrances are now. Are they really? I can talk for fragrance on ours.

Millennials don't define themselves by gender-specific scents. No, that's true. So there you go. But it's like, remember back in the day, Frank, the CK1? Yes. For men and women. I don't know what they put on a beer can nowadays. I think it's multiple choice.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show, please, on 81215. We'd love to hear from you. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. We'd love to hear from you. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Go on, be traditional. We don't care.

We've actually just had a missive in that I'd like to bring to your attention. I think you should. Is that from Paul Howarth and Milton Keynes? What you're talking about? No, it's from Prisoner983 by email. I believe that is Paul Howarth and Milton Keynes. What you talking about? No, it's from Prisoner983 by email. I believe that is Paul Howarth and Milton Keynes. Oh, is it? Hi, Frank, Divine Miss M and the Cockerel.

Last week's discussion of songs with parentheses in the title failed to mention perhaps the finest example of the trend, Three Lions, brackets, football's coming home, close brackets. Come on! God, you know what, that never occurred to me. Was this intentional or maybe I have my facts wrong? Some Gittish nitpicking from a praise redacted of the show. He's a fan.

So, Frank Skinner, discuss. I didn't know it had footballs coming out of him brackets. Really? Yeah. If David Baddiel is listening, then... He must have written the brackets. Well, I think he did all that stuff. He dealt with brackets as well. Well, he think he did all that stuff. The bracket. He dealt with brackets as well.

Well, he's done a show about his parentheses. Very good. Which we saw this week. Very fine work. Can I just say, go and see it. Yes. Yes, indeed. We recommend that on this show.

Yeah. My family, the sitcoms. Everybody. My family, not the sitcoms. Not the sitcoms. That's the whole point. Not the sitcoms. Oh, sorry.

Is it his family? It's not Blue and his guy. It's someone else. No, exactly. Is it a comedy theatre Don't ruin his gag. No, exactly. Was it the comedy theatre? It's at the Playhouse. Yes, this is one of the best blogs. Terrible.

And I spat a bit of apple on the desk as well, right next to where someone had drawn a man's organ. That's the kind of party they had last night. My family, not the sitcom, at the Playhouse Theatre. Dee Baddiel. Marvellous. Five stars. What was the question?

The question was about Three Lions footballs coming home. I didn't know. I'd forgotten. I think of it as Three Lions. I never think of it as Three Lions open brackets, footballs coming home, closed brackets. But, you know, it's worth knowing. Well, I think that Ian... Anything else about me

anyone wants to text in, I might not know. They slipped it in. That's a dangerous thing. What if my doctor texts in? Do you think David and that lightning seed just got together and slipped it in without you realising? Well, I was not drinking in those days, so I don't think that could have happened. Okay. Anyway, we were talking about Zlatan. Z-I.

And his unisex fragrance, Supreme. Now, the one... Please stop me if i'm becoming a fragrance ball but the one a few years ago was a bit more urban was it a few years ago i thought they were being mutually released these two no he did another one i would say two years ago okay feel free to text in if i'm incorrect but i won't be this one is slightly peppery notes. Other? Really? I don't mind that. Is it full of peppery goodness and very good to eat? No. Is there any bergamot?

Not burger or peppery. You're making them sound like fast food. Is it bergamot? How do you say it? Yeah, bergamot. Oh, you say bergamot. Have you ever smelled the bergamot of Calais? It's particularly nice.

Extraordinary joke, which I love. You don't get many Rodin burgers of Calais. It's particularly nice. Extraordinary joke, which I love. You don't get many Rodan Burgers of Calais jokes, I find. Not on commercial radio. The BBC's heavy with them. He said, it's for the Now Show, he said he was inspired by an experience he had during a holiday in Mexico. Well, we all were, dear. Yeah.

I was once having breakfast at... I think we were at Cancun, my partner and I. Thanks for the tip. And the entire table collapsed with everything on it. Absolutely. We would just end up sitting there and the table was at our side on the floor, flat with everything scattered everywhere.

And did that inspire you to launch a fragrance? Because that's the sort of thing that happens to Zlatan. He has a holiday and then he thinks, I'm going to launch a fragrance. No, I think I launched a cry for help. He's also, there's a Zlatan deodorant. Oh, that sounds easier to... What's that called? That's still called Supreme. Oh, that sounds easier to... What's that called?

That's still called Supreme. Oh, OK. And a body lotion. Supreme? Yeah. Guessed it. Yeah. Ah.

Yeah. I wish he'd have come up with something a bit more... I mean, I know he thinks of himself as Supreme, but something a bit more Zlatan, you know, a bit along the lines of It's all about a ball Yeah Something a bit football-y Right

Striker Oh, you can't have a fragrance called Striker It smells horrible Yeah You smell like a miner from the 80s Oh, glory days The Frank Skinner Show Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

We've had a text in from David Baddiel. Oh, yes? Well, he didn't text the show, he texted me personally. OK. I should say. Should we read out our personal texts? Well, I think in this case he's clearing up some information that we need. A or B?

Any other business? Yeah. Is he's clearing up some information that we need. A or B? Any other business? Yeah. Is he about the women on beer cans? No. Yeah, he would be our go-to source. I thought, I'm surprised he hasn't called earlier. I wouldn't ask David about that. He's got a collection of over 200. He hasn't.

Now, that's all Keith you're mixing up with, all the men in your life. Yeah. He says, I think the bracket edition of SCH, FCH, which is obviously football coming home, is that what you guys called it? Never. Never had it called that before. Hey, Frank, a few thoughts on FCH.

Okay. It was something the record company did. I think we just called it Three Lions. Sorry, wrong emphasis. I think we just called it Three Lions. Sorry, wrong emphasis. I think we just called it Three Lions. I think Sony heard the chant at Wembley and added it as a bit of branding. Oh, yeah. There you go.

That makes sense. I suppose people might go into the shop and say, have you got that Football's Coming Home song? And they say, no. The only football songs have got Three Lions and they've said, no, forget it. Yeah. I come in here for a song, not a menagerie. You're right.

They might have said, they probably wouldn't have said that, but I'd like it if they had. Oh, there you go. I know. I'm still scratching. I should have washed this T-shirt before I wore it. You scratch a lot. Do I? Yeah. I think so. I mean, it is. You scratch a lot. Do I? Yeah.

Oh. Sorry. We've had a... I admire the petulance of this text. It's from Neil in Penge. Good morning, all. It's been a while. Loving the show. Missed you guys.

Anyway, did I hear Ms miss dean mentioned some graffiti earlier i wonder if you might uh all be it i suspect they are not a listener give a big shout out and thank you to spears the illiterate moron for tagging my shed it's very good of them to fit me into their very busy schedule oh dear so that's somebody who's obviously had a shed spray painted with spears. But if it's an illiterate moron how does he know their name? Because it's written on his shed.

If it's an illiterate moron is that reliable? And quite 80s calling someone a moron as well. I think illiterate, that's gone as well now. Everything's gone. Gender. Literacy. Literacy has essentially gone. illiterate that's gone as well now everything's gone gender literacy it's the ladies it's the ladies i feel sorry for they've strived for years for equality just coming up on the outside like we've abandoned gender as a concept oh so close but no cigar obviously they

can have a cigar if they want one what I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Except it's very bad for you. I'm bringing out a new fragrance called Has Been. Oh. It makes you smell like you used to be special. Oh, that's a shame. Oh, you still are very special to us. Or, my other one, New Git from Larm Free.

It upsets people in a completely unjustified, no, a completely justifiable way. New git. Git, yeah. Oh, git. You know, Brian, Zlatan said something about his fragrance. He said, OK, I'm going to do an accent. He can do that accent, I think.

Swedish. Do the Swedish. Oh, yeah. No, I just do one accent. And then it doesn't offend anyone. He says, OK, maybe I don't have that thing that accent, I think. Swedish. Do the Swedish. Oh, yeah. No, I just do one accent. And then it doesn't offend anyone. He says, OK, maybe I don't have that thing that minds the best. Don't say that when you're launching a product. It doesn't sound like him. It's the first time Zlatan's ever said that about anything. Maybe I don't have the thing that minds the best.

Extraordinary. Didn't he say I just dab a little bit behind my ears? Or I would if that area wasn't occupied by my neck. Well, the nose, Frank, who created it, who's called Olivier Pechoux... Oh, yeah. He also... The nose should be called Olivier, bless you.

I mean, it really should. What an opportunity missed. He famously was the nose... I don't know if he was the nose at Dior, but he created a Dior fragrance. We should say, in case you don't know, a nose is a person implied by a parfumier. Yeah.

They've got very, very sensitive noses, so they're very good in the scent business. Yeah. And they're responsible for coming up with fragrances. And he did a Comme des Garcons perfume and he also created a perfume, a fragrance called Legend. Did he really?

Yes. Legend! And I thought that could be one for Alan Cochran. Frank Skinner. Was that for John Legend? No. It was for John Legend. He's Mr Trick.

When John Legend is 60, will Absolute have a special weekend where they rename one of the stations Absolute Legend? No. I've, as you know, I have many friends in the S&M community and, you know, I find after a good hiding, you can pong a bit and

I've invented a new fragrance. I'm calling it After Slave. Oh my God! On Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a perfume text, actually, and, you know, sometimes we have a sort of a public service section of the show. Yes, we do.

I think Emily may well be able to answer this. Go on. Peter has texted, hi all. Not Peter Patel from the Economodge, Louisville, Kentucky. I don't think so, but I love the fact you took his name and you've remembered it. No, his name was on a, you know, they do in America, they have a sign up with their name on. Oh.

On the wall. Oh, I see. So I could go in and say, Peter, you haven't, I like that. If ever anyone wears a name badge, I almost always use their name. Yeah. Good for you. I think we all should be wearing name badges I do Name and profession

That would be so much easier That's a good idea Can we just all start doing it We could start it We've saved a lot of confusion With that young chap I gave the spare room to in 1998 Anyway carry on.

Hi all, if the nose creates the perfume, how does the parfumier spend his or her days? OK. Well, I'm glad you've asked me that. Extraordinary decision to answer that question. Oh, my voice cracked with the shock. Frank, would you like to answer? Well, the parfumier, I imagine, is the engine room

who then puts the whole thing together after the nose has given his rather sniffy instructions. Oh, you do, do you? Do you want me to guess? I reckon they do about an hour of emails and then 2,000 sit-ups a day. That's what I reckon, just to kill time. I'm hoping that a parfumier fits into the same

Venn diagram as the chocolatier who I've always been very keen on. Yes. Oh, they've got... I always imagine them in a glove. In a white glove, the chocolatier. I always imagine they've got chocolatiers. Can I throw my two travellers' cheques worth in?

Yeah, why don't they do? I think the parfumier is exactly the same as the nose. Oh, I know they do. I think the Perfumier is exactly the same as the nose. Oh, well, what's the point then? Le Nez, as he's called in France. It'd be Naza, isn't it? Oh, no, it's German. I think it's Le Nez, no.

German, because Rosa Naza. It's essentially a name for someone who is in charge of the olfactory composition. Thank you. I've just had an idea, actually, for my own scent brand. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to do a his and hers one. And the girls' one is going

to be called My Perfume. Because you know when people go, what's that? What's that smell? My Perfume. Oh, yeah. And the blokes' one is going to be called My Aftershave. I think that's a really good idea, and I think it would appeal to the millennials.

They like an idea. Well, I think it's too simple. The trouble is, My Aftershave is a bit reminiscent of my mum's cola. Do you remember the My Mum's brand? It was the nastiest stuff you could get. My Mum's margarine. Well, how can I say this without offending you? I can't.

So the fact is, it's going to be cheap. What? Because my mum's cola was cheap. Make my aftershave cheap. And I think that would work well. I was going to make it really expensive. Okay. And try and make some real money.

That was my plan. Hang on, I'm just crossing out my plan. I'm very big in the nose world, so I can get you some... It doesn't look that big from over here. I've got good contacts, Al. The idea of bringing out a fragrance, I think then you've really, you've reached

the bottom. Do you think so? I'm very happy with people having... Because what am I getting from Zlatan Ibrahimović when I buy his fragrance? It's all gone very well. His personality is in every drop, he says. I think they're ghost-smelt fragrances.

Oh, I see. I don't think they have any input, do they? They're not going... I'd buy Brutally by Frank. Brutally? Yeah, Brutally by Frank. Brutally? Yeah, Brutally by Frank. Bruce Lee? That'll never sell.

Bruce Lee by the new Frank Skinner fragrance. There's too many concepts. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I need to ask you if I'm irrational Radio. I need to ask you if I'm irrational here. I had an experience this week. I was in a minicab.

I like it so far. You were going to the nightly show. I wasn't going to the nightly show. Also, quite 70s to be in a minicab. It was a minicab. Well, it's just the fact that it's not called minicab anymore, but that's what I like. Well, I like to differentiate between, you know,

people get angry if you say Uber, people get angry if you say taxi. So it was a minicab, but I was in the front seat next to the driver, obviously gear stick in between. And the gentleman in question was wearing a leather jacket. OK. It wasn't that cold outside. He was wearing a leather jacket that I think was... Yes.

OK. I think it was brand new because every single movement that man made i heard i mean creep wow i mean i started rerouting us so that he didn't have to indicate just because i was thinking there's going to be a cacophony here. And I was so annoyed by it. I honestly think if the journey had been a mile longer, there would have been a point where I'd have shouted, how can you live like this? Because he could have worn that, like he should have worn it around the house,

like I used to with new football boots. It's really like my T-shirt. Your T-shirt's itching you. I wouldn't think of having to break in a jacket. Oh, well, it really needed breaking in, though. Could you smell the leather on it? I couldn't smell it. Maybe he's had it for ten years and it just still squeaks.

Maybe it's tarpaulin. It's pleather. I find that can be inflexible. Why do people wear noisy clothes? I mean, I had a pair of shoes, slides. Slides? What does that mean? They're called slides.

I'll show you some pictures afterwards. Think of a... No, you're alright. Okay. Can I go wedge flip-flop? Would that help? Oh, okay. They're like pool slides. Do you know those, Frank? I have to say England supporters did wear them once in the day.

Pool slides as in what people slide into a pool. As in what they wear around the poolside. Oh, okay. No, I don't go poolside that often. Okay. Anyway. Are they essentially, rather than fashion, are they an anti-verruca measure? No, they're now fashion.

They have a thick band and a sole. Anyway, the point is, I can't remember the point now. Are they noisy? No no they were so noisy al i wore them once and i thought i can't live with these straight in the bin they weren't expensive whoa i'm sorry for anyone listening who can't afford shoes they were about 19 pounds they weren't hideously expensive again i'm sorry for anyone there's people at home saying 19 pounds for a pair of shoes they saw you coming straight in the bin.

They were noisy. Yes, I know. And I found it humiliating walking down the road in noisy shoes. I know, but that wouldn't have bothered someone in the third world. Oh, fine. You've made me feel really bad. I know. I suppose it's too late to reclaim it.

They're in a bin somewhere. They're probably being worn by a seagull. Taken straight off the tip. Oh, they love the tip, the seagull somewhere. They've probably been long gone. Worn by a seagull. Taken straight off the tip. Oh, they love the tip, the seagulls. They do. I don't know what they might be called, tip gulls. If they've got an option between the... Tip gulls.

If there's an option between going to the sea or going to the tip, they'll choose the tip every time. Absolutely. In fact, they're a way of spotting that there is a tip, aren't they? If you're driving along and you see loads of birds, you go, oh, that's a tip. You see the gulls. There's a tip over there. They're're driving along and you see loads of birds you go oh that's you see the goals i love an urban seagull i know what they're doing a little bit trendier a little bit cooler i don't understand it that you see them in london and i think why are you here there's no tip or sea

i mean the chance of being lovely by the seaside... I like Nigel Farage. Yeah, get back, get them back where they belong. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I was discussing this minicab driver with this noisy... These Leiderjacker, as I believe they call them in germany today noisy jackets and i just there's a bit of me that thinks how can you be surprised by that he didn't seem bothered by it but he must know that he's going to sit in the same seat and squeak all day and he's going to move his steering wheel he must know that that's going to like i can understand it if

his job was painting himself silver and then standing in Covent Garden. You could do that with a squeaky jacket on and you'd only really notice it during lunch breaks. But he does it even though he's going to move all day. And sitting against a leather seat, squeaky, squeaky, squeaky.

He hadn't got a beaded seat cover. He didn't have a beaded seat cover. What kind of a minicab driver was he? Please tell me he had a... What kind of character were we dealing with here? Please tell me there was some sort of golden tissue box. He didn't see that either. And a magic tree air freshener.

This guy's thrown the rule book out. What is the nature of the magic in a magic tree? 8, 12, 15. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I mean, I met Dynamo the other week. I was present. There's a man who could. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I mean, I met Dynamo the other week. I was present. There's a man who could describe himself, you know, with the adjective magic. But the magic tree, just a sort of pine, largely pine.

I would say it's more accurate to call it a slightly helpful tree. Yeah. It's helpful. It gets rid of odours. Perhaps it's magic in the old sort old Selwyn Froggatt term. Yes. Magic. Anyway.

It should just call itself a tiny smelly tree. A smelly tree. Not as marketable. No. No one's going to buy that. I don't know. I'll cross that off my business plan list as well. I'm going to buy that terrible thing.

Next to my perfume and my aftershave. Gone. 6.1 has been in touch. Is this the Twitterati or is it text? No, this is text. They're not called tips anymore. You know you were talking about they should be called tip goals. Cancel tips, yeah.

They're not called tips anymore. They are called resource recovery centres. Or is this the bit when I was talking about breast tips? It's the confusion. No, it's when you were talking about seagulls. Okay, I've never seen a seagull on a breast tip. No. And I hope I never do.

So they're called RRCs, Resource Recovery Centres. Seagull on a breast tip, I know, I know. It's lactation. Oh. Sorry, everyone. Oh, come on on it's natural Sorry Ken I'm up to speed now with Broadchurch

You know I haven't watched series 2 And series 1 last year Are you on series 3? I don't like you being up to speed It makes me feel the world has ended. It's a big wait for the next one. A whole week. Also, can you imagine how embarrassing

it is for me if you're ahead with the series and I haven't seen it? Yeah, but I'd never do a spoiler. Don't worry about that. Just trust me, baby. Creepy moment! So glad that's never been said to me. Yes.

That's good. I've never said it. I felt there were no point. We needed a clip for the creepy montage for the show, didn't we? So there we go. That's sorted, Daisy. We are doing creepy special, I think, Halloween. So mark that.

Mark that, trust me, baby. Stop saying baby. It's weird, isn't it? I'd love to do a creepy special for that. We don't do much for Halloween, do we? Yeah, but when we say creepy, Frank, it's not just you calling people baby incessantly. Ooh, baby.

Welcome to the creepy special. Ooh, ooh, ooh. You like that, huh? Yes, it's enough, I think. Yeah, I think that's enough. It's made me feel a bit like I need a wash. She's like, cat feels. Yeah.

Anything else from the outside world? I'm always keen to hear from them. They're such nice people. Can I say, by the way, the man whose shed was graffitied on, he called back and said, no, I've been graffitied on and mocked. I hope we didn't mock him. I thank him for joining in.

I am anti-graffiti on personal property, and I hope... Municipal buildings, it's fine. I hope some community programme people come round and get that off for you. Yeah. Is Boy George still on it, or is he...? No!

He's off now. OK. He's doing still on it, or is he? No. He's off now. Okay. I like the idea that he's still... He's doing well now. He is, he's doing great. He's on the hoist and things. Imagine if Boy George come round to take the graffiti off your shed. I just got really into scrubbing graffiti off when I did my community service.

I just like it. I'm just into it. Why not? Yeah. Simon Oliver on a tractor in Essex has texted, rubbing graffiti off when I did my community service. I'm just into it. Why not? Simon Oliver on a tractor in Essex has texted, Hey guys, do you remember an aftershave in the late 80s called Turbo? What a name. Presumably exhaust gas powered force induction.

Didn't quite have the same ring to it. Yeah, true, but it's got an urban feel. Oh, I love it. Urban seagulls will be liking it. Ooh, carbon monoxide. Okay, so anyway, look, enough of this Tom foolery. If you can still say that in the age of... No, Tomboy foolery. Any good to you?

Tim, Tabitha foolery. Oh, foolery. Just foolery. No, no, Za, foolery. Oh. Foolery. Just foolery. No, no. Z. Z foolery. I'm told if... Now, instead of he or she, you're supposed to say Z.

Is that correct? Who told you that? Jonathan Ross told me that. Did he? Remember her? Teddy White. Bring on the flowers. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. bring on the flowers.