The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Trumpelstiltskin

Episode Date: November 12, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by the Divine Miss Em and The Cockerel and the team had an outing to the Palladium. They talk Trump, Buster the Boxer and Frank needs a new way of celebrating.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show, we'd love it if you did, on 8-12-15. You can follow the show on Twitter, if you're into the social media, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website if you're calling from work. Welcome. Morning.

We saw each other very recently, didn't we? We did. We actually had a sort of a works out in last night. Works night out. Not only did we go out, but we had a producer from our past days. He was there as well. Yeah, he came along.

So there was Charlie. It could sound like a Christmas carol. It was. It was like a Christmas do, I thought. Yeah. And we were all excited to see each other, but nobody was more excited than you to meet Moriarty. Oh, man.

OK. When Moriarty walked in, man. Okay. When Moriarty walked in, Frank, we should explain, this is the actor Andrew Scott who plays Moriarty. Yeah, if Moriarty had walked in, I would have been terrified. It's the real one.

Rightly so. I would have knew there was something afoot. He's quite the baddie. And Al was also in Spectre, I think. I think he might be. Yes, he was. He was the duplicitous spy person. Not in real life.

Au contraire, what a charming man. But he walked in and we alerted Frank, didn't we, that he was there. Paul from Absolute said that Moriarty's here, he broke the news. I thought Frank was going to, I mean, I thought he needed to go to the bathroom, put it that way. I love a bit of Sherlock, but he in particular in Sherlock is...

And there's no shortage of fine performances, but he's fantastic. And I told him. First thing I thought, get it out of the way. Well, Catherine was so embarrassed. She said to him, she apologised to him, she said, I'm so embarrassed at Frank. Because Frank said, I'm buzzing. I'm buzzing. I'm so excited to meet you, Catherine. I can't believe Frank, I'm so embarrassed at Frank. Because Frank said, I'm buzzing. I'm buzzing. I'm so excited to meet you.

I can't believe Frank said I'm buzzing. I'm so sorry. It's very good. It's good to have someone apologising on your behalf. He was very happy though. Good. So that was but what happened is we went to see Coldplay is what happened. That's right. At the London Palladium.

How marvellous to be at the London Palladium again. They were live at the Palladium, weren't they? Oh, I mean, do you think I was the only person in there looking around and thinking, oh, this is what they did, this is my life. This is my life? They did your life? They did.

They did Frank's life. I did a gig there and there was a big chair and I turned around and there was Michael Aspel with the big red book in that very room and do you know Basil Brush was in the Royal Box he actually was

and Ivan who operated him had had a couple of drinks and I think he'd had a stroke recently and they told him not to drink and so he ended up with a sort of terrible stroke shandy which made him a bit slurry. I mean, we kept him...

The show didn't start till 1.30 in the morning, the record. And so Basil appeared and said, Mr. Frank, Mr. Frank! Mr. Frank, do you remember when... And it sounded like Basil Brush was drowning. Oh, dear.

I've never laughed as much on camera. Honestly, you know on camera you see people laugh? You never see people have those laughs when you're making... When I have those big laughs, you know those big, big laughs that you have, which tend not to ever be at comedy, they tend to be at things in your life. Yes.

When I get those big laughs, and I probably only had, I probably had single figures in my whole life. Those real, when you start to think, am I going to die laughing? And I make this noise. Like that. And it's like an alarm saying, this man needs a medic. And I actually did that on camera. I was laughing so much at the drowning Basil Brush.

Oh, I haven't had one of those big laughs for a long time. Oh, well. Oh, thanks very much. Well, you know what I mean. Throw the gauntlet down. Three hours to go. Yeah. One of those I can't control.

My money's on you, Al. We'll see if we can, if not one together for you guys. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, Chris Martin was a revelation. Chris Martin? Well, let's put it this way. The yoga's paid off. I mean, the man looks phenomenal.

Yeah, he was in good shape. He was a very energetic performer, I think it's fair to say. The agility of the man. I mean, you know, I consider myself to be a reasonably fit person. We know that. But if I had done as much... No, but it's progress, because I had a back

problem, but now I'm fitter. Oh God, keep it light. Progress! Don't go on about your back problems. But here's the thing, if I had done as much running and jumping and climbing back up and stuff like that as he did yesterday, today I'd be getting a sports massage and he looks as if he's able to do that. I think he will be too. Do you think so? But what I would say is he's got that slight, he knows it.

Because he was showing that midriff off. That little top was riding up all night. Yes. But as I've always said, there was a six-month period when I had a flat stomach and every picture of me in the street, in the winter, whatever, I lift my top up and show my stomach. If you've got it like that, you can't keep it away.

Yeah. So that's fair enough. I'll tell you what I was a bit worried about. She's got cramps. Alan's just got cramps. See, that'll say talking about your... Even talking about Chris Martin is going to be cramps. It was the talking that worried me.

Because I've had some accents in my time, but I'd describe his current accent as automatic answering machine. Could you try and... I can't even do an approximation of it. I know it's been a strange week this week, but we will find that, and for general enquiries, press one. That sort of...

It's slightly Scottish, slightly American. No, but it did sound automated, I think, and I think that's because he probably never settles anywhere anymore, and his accent's been destroyed. Do you think that's because he probably never settles anywhere anymore and his accent's been destroyed. Do you think he's got a nice voice? I think he's got a nice voice. He's got a nice singing voice.

Yeah. But he sounds like Anna Nova when he's talking. What about our xylobands? Xylobands? We were wearing them on our wrists. We got xylobands, yeah. I didn't get one of those. Didn't you? No, I was never given one.

These are the things that light up when you... Do you have to raise your hands in the air? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, that's how Nazi Germany started. It is, yeah. Oh, Frank. With xylobands. We got a complaint.

Someone was sitting behind us and tweeted me to say that we weren't raising our hands in the air at all. I didn't have a xyloband. Okay, okay, calm down. And I would like to say to that person who's unnecessarily attacking us on our night out, I would like to say to them that the people in front of me had stepped forward, and so I was drumming the seat in front.

I never felt like putting my hands in there, because I got to, you know... I noticed Frank did something at the gig which I rather like. Let's hear it. There was a lot of putting the hands on the seat in front in a slightly statesman-like. It was a bit presidential. Yes.

You were leaning forward, using it for purchase. Well, because everyone stood up when they came on, I thought, oh, here we go, hour and a half, upright. I boogied. So I eased off a bit by supporting myself on the chair in front. I played a bit of air piano as well. Did you? Air piano is...

The gap between air piano and Tommy Cooper impression is almost imperceptible. Did not spot you do that. Hank, did you have an incident with a woman? I did, yeah. OK, would you rather not discuss it on air? A woman did that thing. They weren't letting people stand in the aisle,

so she basically came and stood right in front of, well, Kath initially, and then I moved Kath so that Kath could see. So I was standing and she was standing in front of me in the same gap. She was sort of in your seat, really. Yeah, but, you know, I like to be liberal about it. In your footwell.

She was in your footwell, really. She asked me if I minded. And what did you say? Well, I can't repeat your footwell. She was in your footwell, really. She asked me if I minded. And what did you say? Well, I can't repeat what I said. She left. I wasn't abusive. I was just candid. That was enough.

Oh, no. But can I say the moment for me, well, there was two very emotional moments for me. And one was when they played Muhammad Ali. Yes. They sampled Muhammad Ali. Yes. They sampled Muhammad Ali. It's on one of the tracks, yeah. God don't care if I beat Joe Frazier.

I love that. And he said some other stuff about peace and love, obviously. But that's the bit that stuck with me. And he also... That's more Ringo's piece of love. He did... Suzanne. He came on on his own with guitar, Chris Martin,

and did Suzanne, yeah, by Leonard Cohen. Which was, and I was so glad he didn't do Hallelujah, he went for Suzanne, which is slightly sort of the second choice. Yeah, oh, you don't want to do Hallelujah. And I was talking to Adam, who works here, and he said, I think about 15 people recognised that song and knew it was Leonard Cohen's song in the whole place. Really?

I don't know how he worked it out. I'm in the 15. Me too. Well, everyone on this show. And I said, if he'd done Hallelujah, the crowd would have probably thought Alexandra Burke had died. It would have been horror all around. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Surely not. There must be some mistake. Coldplay. Yes. He even did a squat down, like, heels. Oh, you're obsessed with his physical fitness. And then he jumped out of that squat. I mean, that is impressive.

And he lay on the floor and got up with his hands both on the microphone. Well, that's all very well. What about when he made us all squat down? So there was one point, he grabbed the microphone, he went, go low, go low. Something of a rapper's thing, that. He said, go low, go low. So... Sure he didn't say yo low? No, you did look a bit confused, Frank. I did. And you, I liked your, you held you held out you're like i'm not going low well i sat down that's what i did that wasn't used to it in the church you're all right if there's a little cushion i don't think he wanted us to kneel genuflect yeah well i found it very difficult and there was a lot of cracking of limbs i don't think he realized that we were in a seated auditorium at

that point and then when people went low he he thought, oh, it's seating. Like, I couldn't physically get in between the seats low enough. Well, it was a ridiculous idea to start with. Might be used to a different set of scenarios. I mean, they're arenas usually, aren't they? So people have probably got tonnes of room when he says to them, go low normally. Yes. Can I just say I loved it?

Yeah, me too. I danced my little socks off. So a lot of confetti. A lot of confetti. Oh, it's like being Elizabeth Taylor. Well, Frank, I noticed, put some in his pocket for Buzz. I did. There was some star-shaped confetti. Yeah.

That is nice. That came down after the song Star Thingy. Sky Full of Stars. What is it? Sky Full of Stars. Sky Full of Stars, obviously. And so I thought Bozzle loved that. So what I did when I got in, I left it out on the floor

as if stars had fallen from the sky during the night. Oh, that's nice. I say, Dad, what are all these post-it notes? Yeah. Because it did look like coloured post-it notes. I think something I did was a bit pathetic. Christian O'Connell came on at the beginning to introduce it and said,

and you're on national, live on national radio. Give a cheer if you love being live on national radio. And I went, whee! And I thought, I never do that when I'm live on national radio. And I went wee! And I thought, I never do that when I'm live on a Saturday. I'm just excited to be live. Shall we do a cheer? Come on, cheer if you're on live

on national radio. Yay! See? I actually said yay, which is one of my pet hates. Is it? Oh, dear. What's so wrong with yay? Oh, I find yay. Say hooray. Hooray?

Don't say yay. Hooray? Yes. Well, I don't mind yay and I don't mind hooray. What I don't like is somewhere in between, which is normally

the sort of Frankie Legend types who go, way. It's a way I don't like. Oh, no, it's yay for me. Okay. I'll tell you something else I didn't expect as well. He smashed a guitar.

Well, I turned round to you and I said, it's all gone a bit Marky Smith. Yeah, but he doesn't... Well, he threw it high into the air and then it landed. Yeah, expensive, those. I thought there might be, like, a little landing bit. I thought they might have a little sponge bit in the orchestra bit. Like a mattress. Especially, yeah, yeah. It'd be quite a shot.

It would be great if it had bounced back up and everybody would go, like, he could have thought of that. He did some crowd surfing. I hoped he'd come round our way, he didn't though. Me too, I wanted him to come round our way, mainly because his clothes looked so soft that I wanted to just, I wanted to give them a little touch. I thought he might smell a patchouli essence.

Oh, nice. Do you remember her? Downtown. One of my favourites. Frank Skinner on the radio. We've had some news in from the outside world, 603. Hi, I'm Vince Cable has written a romantic novel. As Frank would say, how marvellous.

Will you be reading it? That's Ian in Leamington Spa. Vince Cable has written a romantic novel. Well, of course Will you be reading it? That's Ian in Leamington Spa. Finn's Cable's written a romantic... Well, of course I'll be reading it. I mean, that's my absolute dream. I like the sound of that. What about the audio book? I want to know what it's called.

What's the title? I tell you what, the audio book, me tucked up in bed with that audio book. Hello. Hey, I spotted an autobiography title that I think you guys might like. Go on. Recently.

Johan Cruyff has written his autobiography. Guess what it's called. Oh, come on. Wait, let's work something out, Frank. It's got to be on the Cruyff. Um, on the... Oh. Can you give us a link to think about something?

Yo. Yo. What's he known for? Football. He's known for his turn. There you go. Turn for the better. Nearly. A good turn. My turn. Oh. It's nice, his turn. There you go. Turn for the better. Nearly.

A good turn. My turn. Oh. It's nice, isn't it? Like, it's his turn to speak, but also it could mean my turn. What about a share? If Vince Cable had a relationship with Ainsley Harriot...

Oh, thanks a lot. Thanks for ruining my whole day. Then their autobiography could be called Ayn and Cable. That was the cleanest version I could think of for that. It was going somewhere very not great. What about no-one thanked the police last night? Nobody thanked the police? That's terrible.

It awaits a mark of how good a gig was if somebody doesn't panic and go around and report to the police. Can you imagine if Chris Martin had ended the gig by saying, thank you to the police? We should say for new readers that I was in a play in the West End and my dresser told me that he'd seen someone in a show that was so bad, they were so desperate for a crowd response that one of the actors turned to the audience and said,

why don't we have a big round of applause for the police? They do a great job. Literally out of the blue. They often do it at the end of a local election as well. Do they? Oh, bless them. Oh, the police were always thanked. I tell you what surprised me more than anything, the amount of singing the crowd.

There was a vast amount of love in the room, and the crowd sung probably 40% of the lyrics. Mm-hm. Well, thank you, I sung a lot of it. Some good crowd singing. There was. It's patchy, isn't it? No, it was good.

Chris Martin, he's the new Max Bycraft. You think so? I know everyone says that about him. They do. Yeah, but here we go. He's a well-known, practically a trope, that, isn't it? Frank Skinner on the radio. So I, um, I'll tell you what I did this week.

I went to BFI, the British Film Institute, for a, um, they had a Doctor Who screening oh I'm sorry I missed it apparently he's got the all clear I wish you told me about that Frank you know I'd have loved to have gone to that I know but anyway it was what's happened

when you say screening haven't you seen enough of these things well these were new ones. They were new ones? New ones from 1966. Oh, new old ones. That's depressing. Smoker's complexion.

Are they called lost episodes or something like that? Well, yeah, they're missing episodes, but they've got the audio from them. So what they've done is they've done animated versions using the original audio. It's a very clever idea. Oh, I do like cartoons.

Maybe I'll watch that. It's basically a lot of... Is it like The Simpsons? No, it's a lot of my parents' friends overacting. Well, I picked the actor and it was superb. But it's... I had an idea. Now, tell me, have I completely made this up? I had an idea that in our early days on this show,

someone took a bit of dialogue from us and did an animated version of it. Have I completely... Please tell me I've either imagined it or it's true. Hello? Hello? I wasn't here in the early days.

Pressure's on. This is how it gets now when you get older. What was the dialogue? Can you remember? No, I've no idea what the dialogue was. Well, then I can't help you. But I've found this with my memory now, is that, you know you get those dramas with a man and a woman

and then they call them will they, won't they? Yeah. I can look back on female friends and now I'm having the did we, didn't we? Well, allow me to clear up one for you. Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, I was fairly confident about that. You're more recent.

I'm on about people. Some of them have passed away. And I don't want to foul up their family for sending eyewitness reports. But I have a vague idea that we were animators. Do you remember when we used to be animators? Those were animators. Do you remember when we used to be animators? Those were the days. This is

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I'll tell you one thing about the disanimating of the audio thing. Couldn't this be the rebirth for the phone hacking? Yes. Because you can

hack people's phone conversations and then you could make an animation with that as the soundtrack. I'd watch that. Would you? Yeah. If it was Winslet-based, I'd be in there. The man's a monster. So, I tell you, it occurred to me,

I said to someone I was going to the cinema, and that was one of the turning points in what I would call my southern sophistication. When I moved down to London... You're not going to the cinema, darling. No calling it that. Oh, yeah. What did you used to call it? Pictures? I'm going to the pictures.

Yeah. And I remember when I, not deliberately, but I naturally said to someone I went to the cinema, I said, well, that's me. That's me, sophisticated. It was that one. We used to call homosexuals Moes, just as an abbreviation. And I did a gig at the comedy store and I said, I've just been to a gay musical, it's called Five Moes Named Guy. And it got nothing.

I mean, nothing. And then I realised that this abbreviation hadn't caught on in the South. Still not. Never did, in fact. Which I, for one, am relieved of. Well, it's not abusive, it's just shortening. I miss it, I'll be honest with you.

But, then again, I was talking to my producer this week. My name for them was Godfather. Oh, Godfather. I was talking to my producer this week. I was talking to my producer.

Which one? The radio show producer? No, no, my television one. Oh. Did I tell you this? This is another one of my... I think I met him briefly. Did I tell you I said to him I was going to the chiropodist? Don't know. Yeah. And he said,

what's that? Did he? He did not say that. And I said, you know, the chiropodist. Oh, he's an absolute fool. And he said, um... And he said, uh... What is he? What happens there? He did not say that. What happens there?

And I thought, look, I know you get certain things where there's an age difference and stuff like that, but surely that is... And I had to explain to him. I go there and he goes, really, I might go to that. They're all over the place. I said, hold on a minute.

Don't make me the chiropody missionary. Everyone knows about it. You're a peddler. He said, I've never heard of it. You can't not know. Frank, is he Captain Kirk? What is this water from your eyes? Well, it's

honestly it was what could I say I mean there was other people in the room and they were aghast one was aghast one worked there

He is ridiculous Well I wouldn't he's a frightfully nice chap Well I feel terrible look I don't know the man whoever he is

But what a gap to have in your life I mean okay never to have been or even to be quite untrue, but to never have heard of it. Yeah. I know I had this thing with Bodgerigar the other week. It's the people you work with.

It can't get any worse than Bodgerigar. What if he's listening to the show and I've called him ridiculous and he's probably a lovely man? I do apologise, I just felt shocked. It's all right, he's probably never heard the word ridiculous. LAUGHTER man. I do apologise. I just felt shocked. It's alright. He's probably never heard the word ridiculous. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Are you looking for some of that rapid voiceover work? He likes it. Terms and conditions

apply. There's an element of Orson Welles announcing that the Martians had landed. I'll tell you what, I mean,

that would be a slide, wouldn't it? With the pinnacles of your career, if you ended up doing the Terms and Conditions apply.

Someone said, I'm sure that's Frank Skinner. I would absolutely... I'd be so ashamed. Didn't he have his own show? Yeah. Well, there's bigger names than me

doing voiceovers on these adverts. We're not criticising people that do adverts. What we're saying... No, I was waiting for you to pull me up on there's bigger names than me. Oh, OK, sorry. How remiss of us. Now, Chris Martin told us last night

at the gig that despite how weird, I think he said, this week had been, it was all going to be okay. Yeah, I like that. Well, I thought he was referring to an incident at the Doctor Who screening. But it turns out he was referring to... Was he on about the fact I sat next to Annika Wills?

Because I was excited about it. I don't know. He was referring to the Donald, I think, wasn't he? Yes. He may have been. Trumple Stiltskin, as I like to call him. Oh, lovely! It was a bit of a shocker. It was a bit of a surprise. I think I predicted.

Did I not predict? I think I predicted it. Did I not predict last week that news that Bono's Woman of the Year would pale into the TV? He did. And show enough.

Show enough. Who's this? I like him. Alan, I should say, respect. Respect to Mondo. Possibly a year ago, Frank? Possibly a year ago. He said he's going to go all the way.

And you guys started calling me a Trump apologist and I said I'm not an apologist I'm just saying that I think he's persuading people and I... I still hold that view that you're a Trump apologist. I'm not a Trump apologist but I think he is persuading people. Is that some sort of brass musician? He's a

very good Trump apologist. Have you heard this? Oh man, he's Benny Goodman. a very good Trump apologist. Have you heard this? Oh, man. He's Benny Goodman. But I was... And isn't it nice that I didn't send a group text saying, I told you so, holiday. But you've got to stop going on about it now. You've got to know how many times I deleted a group text

saying, I told you so. It is frustrating, because you were there first. It's about 400 in one day. I know. It was interesting because I... It was partly sort of, oh, my God, but partly hilarious. Because it just seemed so ridiculous. And also, I grew up in the shadow of the bomb, so it don't scare me, no.

We were always talking about somebody pressing the button when I was a kid, because the Cold War was on. It did feel like war had broken out. That's what it felt like to me. I think... It's my view. I'm entitled to it. Thank you. Already he's calmed a bit, hasn't he?

He's backtracking, yeah. It's Melania, let's call the whole thing. I'd better not say. But it's her I feel sorry for. She wanted some cars and a bit of make-up, and she's up to her neck in it now. She's got a nice house out of it. The amount of admin involved now.

I don't think she'll have to do the admin there. She's got appointments. You think she's going to have, like, a chart? No, but they have to meet people, don't they? Of course, she'll be Donald Trump's first lady. She's a way off that. Oh, Hoover Oval Office. Can you imagine what that's going to look like?

There'll be some nice old dictator's home sheet coming in. It's going to be pretty bling, isn't it? With the gold tables and the portraits. Brilliant. It was... I watched it. Did you watch his thank you speech? Because that was on.

It was a good time for us. It was two in the morning for them. But it was on in it did you watch his thank you speech because that was on it was a good time for us it was two in the morning for them but it was on like in the morning here I think I heard of him eight o'clock yeah

so I watched that that was I did enjoy that I must admit it was a bit like when they accidentally interviewed that cab driver on BBC News 24

he was sort of saying yeah thank you to that cab driver on BBC News 24. He was sort of saying, yeah, thank you to Steve. Where is Steve? Steve here? He was unbelievable. And he should be, where is Steve? Get Steve. You think, oh, you're doing a speech.

You're doing a speech. You're not at home. It's an irritation that people weren't where they were meant to be. But I suppose that's the idea of the refreshing. It's like us, the refreshing on professionalism. Well, this is true. You think? I think so. I'm not sure it's what you want in a world leader, but let's go with it.

He thought it was bad luck to prepare for the presidential transition. Hence, he hasn't appointed anyone or made any decisions. Is that true? Yes. He thought it was bad luck? He thought it would be bad luck and it would jinx it. I think he didn't... And he's been proven right, in a way. Do you remember when we won Best Beat programme? You can He thought it was bad luck. He thought it would be bad luck and it would jinx it. And he's been proven right in a way.

Do you remember when we won best speech programme? You can't compare it to that. He's the president. No, but we were told we had no chance. And I am honest, it's the only time I've ever been to an award show not thinking I was going to win it. And the speech, I just

made the speech up because I didn't plan one. It was actually quite good. Right. I think if you're a... He should be able to do better than he did with that speech. What did he say? Where's Steve? That's basically all he said. He said that quite a lot. Where's Steve? Baron was up there.

Baron, that's the child. Young Baron. Well, he's got a few. He's got Donald Jr. Who's apparently said to be... He's got seven, hasn't he? I know them all. Eric. Apparently Donald Jr., who's apparently said to be... He's got seven, hasn't he? I know them all. Eric. Apparently Donald Jr.

Oh, no, Baron is very like... Melania says Donald Jr. is very like Donald in temperament. Oh, really? Yeah. He seems nice. I hope he's washed his hands. I felt a bit sorry for Baron, because people were saying, oh, he looks bored. But it was two o'clock in the morning.

He's ten. Yeah, he's allowed to yawn. I kind of like the fact that Trump's an old dad. I knew me and him would find common ground. Yeah. Eventually. And she's 46, Melania, which is the same age as my partner. So we've got stuff in common,

and we both have a special relationship with the Brits. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Do you think Donald's hair is soft or hard? I fear it's hard. I want it to be soft. Imagine it was baby soft i don't i don't know

i think in order to keep it like that you've really gonna it's gonna be shellac it's like sponge sugar shellacked yeah oh lovely no i um i think it's probably hard i think it's like 3d printing or something you know that uh Have you ever touched 3D printing? No, I never have. Yeah. I read a book, a sci-fi book, that had 3D printing in it. Oh, you must lend it to me. And about a month later, I read in the paper

that someone had come up with 3D printing. It was very strange. Oh, loads of stuff's been invented in sci-fi, hasn't it? Oh, no, but it's not normally that quick a turn-out. No, true enough. True enough. Are we still talking about this? Yeah. OK.

Yeah, why not? No, I know, because you know sci-fi upsets me. Frank, what about... Have you read any sci-fi? Yes. Yeah. Yes, I have an English degree, thank you very much. Boom.

And what's sci-fi's on the English course? Quite a lot, because we have to do a lot of HG Wells. Oh. You count What's sci-fi on the English course? Quite a lot, because we answer a lot of HG Wells. You count him as sci-fi? I should think so. Thank you. What do you think of... Where do you stand on Tiffany Trump? Tiffany?

Well, I like her, but to a lesser extent than I like the rest of the family. This is, of course, what he said. Of course he did. There's something, you know they say politicians aren't very honest. When he said I'm proud of all my family, but to a

lesser extent, Tiffany. He said that this week. That's more honest than most parents are just at home. I've not read that in any parenting manual. That's how you should do it. It's public shaming. Yeah, that's one of the first things. Dr. Benjamin's box to get your league table

on the fridge and move it about based on behaviour and achievement. She's part of the I believe they're called the snap pack. You had the rat pack and the brat pack. She's the snap pack and there's this group of

individuals from very eminent families her excluded and they play international snap perfect right like you don't get poker on the telly like stupid but attractive people playing snap i'd watch that i'd watch that basically yeah, there's trilbies with their sponsors on it. No, Snap Pack. Johnny Depp wins again. Because of the Instagram, Frank. They're called Snap Pack because they like taking pictures of each other.

What, not Snapchat? Well, actually, it is partly. Maybe it is because of that. Anyway, it's her, Matisse's great-granddaughter, and Robert Kennedy's great-granddaughter. Wow. Yeah, there you go. Granddaughter.

So they must be very proud. Yeah. Yeah, what a great legacy. Yeah. That's what Donald Trump said about his daughter. Yeah, probably did, yeah. It reminded me of when I met a bloke um i met a bloke i can't remember where i was now but he said to me he's an irish bloke and he said can i have a photo with you my wife thinks you're very funny and i said okay and then he says i i

think you're quite funny and i said look i don't need a breakdown of this, of statistics. Just funny. Funny would have done. But he insisted on telling me that in his book his wife had just overrated me a little bit. And this is that I'm slightly less proud of Tiffany. Just say, you know, they're

all very nice and leave it at that. But old Trumple Stiltskin, he's got to have the last word all the time. I think he's quite cuddly. all very nice and leave it at that. But old Trump will still skin. He's going to have the last word all the time. I think he's quite cuddly. Wrong. I would say. My son said Donald

Doc is the president. In a sort of a Donald Doc is the president kind of real shot. He was probably slightly less shot than I was when I said, Donald Trump is the president. While I'm out, I'll tell you what's embarrassing. We were the ninth call he made.

I think tenth. Oh, that is low. That's all right, isn't it? If you became president and I was the ninth... We've got a special relationship. Yeah. And I was the ninth person you called to tell, I'd be devastated. No, that's fine, because the first nine calls were just women he was telling to keep their mouths shut.

I hope he wasn't saying that to Theresa May. Do you know Theresa May? No, but thanks for the tip. Good man. Frank Skinner for the tip. Good man. Yeah, we were talking about... I went on the... When I woke up in the morning, I'd got a text from my girlfriend.

Strange blues song. Yeah. To say, yeah, woke up this morning, got a text from my girlfriend. No kiss! She was telling me that Trump had won. He hadn't been officially announced, but she'd made her mind up. It was good enough for me.

There was some swearing involved, but I won't read it all. But I didn't have that Brexit feeling of, oh, it's the end of the world. I just, there's a mix of comedy in it. There is some profoundly comic about him as well. Even if he takes us all into, you know, into, um,

charcoal land. I, uh, I can, it does temper it a bit. But that night, um, I can... It does temper it a bit. But that night, I went to the Ryan Opera House with Baroness Bakewell. Of course. And it did feel a bit... I'm glad you kept it real.

It felt... Well, it was like the band playing on as the Titanic went down. I felt good about it. Is anybody else a bit fed up of all the catastrophists? Ooh, Donald Trump's got in, it's the end of the world. The Trump apologists. Wingerama! Wingerama. I really liked Wingerama.ingerama Well we should say in case that was Boris Johnson

coined that little phrase, didn't he? I liked Wingerama I'd much rather people waited until he's done something like really catastrophic before they said this is a catastrophe No, I don't agree with that Don't you? I think there should be some delay.

How bad do you want the catastrophe to be? Trump apologist. You're such a Trump apologist. I'm not. I could be a stoic. Can we do a jingle? Maybe I'm a stoic. Can we have a jingle for him for Trump apologist? That's him actually playing the Trump, the Trump apology. Yeah.

I'm watching you. Well, you know, it might turn out to be brilliant. It might turn out to be brilliant. How do you know? Whatever happens, though. Trump apologist jingle, please. He just said, how do you know? Please turn that counter's on.

He said, how do you know quite aggressively? OK. This is what we should play. This is what you should play, Al, when Trump won. I like it! And he's got a red T-shirt today. What does that mean? Well, that's the colour, isn't it?

Oh, is it? For the Republicans in America. They do it the other way round. Of course. Of course. But it's such a switch. Of course. Of course.

But it's such a switch. The fact that America decided they really like Barack Obama best of all and now they really like Trump best of all. I think it's the biggest political turnaround since Lembik-Opik dumped Sian Lide for Gabriella Chiki. That's a good point. And you thought, they're both on his radar, these two. These two women.

And that's what I think about this. It's like, there are changes of mind, and there are changes of mind. Yeah, we did really like Obama. Who else? Who should we try next? What about Donald Trump? Absolutely as different as is possible. Donald would like a cheeky girl. He likes a cheeky possible. Donald would like a cheeky girl.

He likes a cheeky girl. He would like a cheeky girl. Oh, yeah, he does. Touch my bum. This is life. OK. I told you not to read my text out on the show. Frank Skinner on the radio.

Clive Silas has tweeted us to say, Frank doesn't do T's and C's apply. Because we were talking earlier about how you might end up one day doing that. We didn't say that, Al. No, I said it would be a fall from grace. Yes, we said it would. From his current lofty position in show business. Clive says...

Playing lofty in the stage play of Lee Stenders. It's a weird book, isn't it? Clive says but he does do, and coming up on Sky Arts, a little bit of Beethoven. Do you do that? Oh, I do. Do you do the links? Do you sit in a little studio?

Well, I do links, sort of impromptu, unscripted links where I just talk about stuff. But at Sky Arts... Right. I mean, you know, it's not we buy any cars. I just talk about stuff. But that's Sky Arts. Right. Right. I mean, you know, it's not we buy any cars.

OK. Not that that's a bad thing. No, no. Do what you want. Yeah, because it's good if you're trying to sell your car to someone with that kind of broad-minded attitude. Yeah. They'll buy any car. Any car.

I'll tell you what it doesn't seem like. It doesn't seem eight years since Barack Obama got in, and it is. Like, that's... It's flown by, hasn't it, really? Don't come crying to me. Eh? Don't come crying to me.

What are you talking about? Well, you know, time flies. All right. I remembered when he got in, I used to have some jokes about... He used to have some jokes? He used to have some jokes. He used to have some jokes. Eight years back.

The last time I had a funny thought was about eight and a half years ago. I used to do some jokes about... Because people were up in arms about his name, Barack Hussein Obama. You remember all that stuff. And I read... Your friend Trump wanted him to produce his birth certificate. He did.

He's a birther, my friend, isn't he? Yeah, your friend. And I read an interesting thing about Barack Obama, I thought, that was in his late teens and twenties, he wasn't known as Barack Obama. He was known to friends and family as Barry. So I used to have some jokes about... Was that right? Yeah, yeah.

So I used to have these jokes about he's given hope to Barry's the world over. He's the leader of... But now they've gone from Barry to Donald. What is happening with that country? That name will be popular again. The dorky names. I would guess that they were dorky names. I would guess that that was someone Irish, Barry Obama.

Yes, you would. Hey, what if Donald starts popularising the Donald jacket, the Bolero jacket, with no trousers underneath. Oh, no, he wouldn't do it. Just the navel top and no trousers. It wouldn't be the first time, probably. Yeah, you'd think. Now, I'll tell you who's very excited about this,

not just our very own Trump apologist. Nigel. Nigel Farage is so happy about this because he had done some good little groundwork sweeping up. And I think Frank on this very show referred to him as a minion, which I liked. Because his job now is to support terrible people around the world, like the minions.

If you've never seen the minions, that's what they do. He said he's already... I hope he's going to wear a sort of monocular goggle next time we see him. It would suit him down to the grove. A little dungarees, I think.

Or just one picture of him like that would be brilliant. He's got to do it. Someone will be working that up for us now on Photoshop, I'm sure. Well, Al, he's already got very excited. He rang into James Whale. I don't know if he used a free number or not, but they had a long...

If ever there was a... They'd get on like a cross on fire. Well, James Whale said, yeah, well, the PC lot, I hope you're listening now. Big hand for the police. And Nigel said, he said, I didn't go to the Mississippi rally to endorse Donald Trump.

I didn't, to be fair. He said, after I did my bit, which is what he's calling it, he said to me, you'll be my friend for life. Well, I tell you what, that's not bad. That's not bad. Well, it's a multiple choice. That's not bad. Well, let's have a multiple choice. That's not A, bad, B, good. C, happening.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Nigel Farage will be hanging on the telephone. I'd say two weeks' time. He doesn't call. He doesn't call. He doesn't text. He's getting so excited. That's my worry, is that the Donald won't come good and he might forsake Nigel.

Yeah. So often on the way up, these people are all over you, and then... I think that's a possibility, yes. Well, what if Nigel got American citizenship and then he could be the next leader? Because he's called Nigel, so that sticks with Barry, Donald, Nigel. All the terrible names.

Yes. He could start his own mail delivery company called Wells Farage. Very good. This is the problem. We didn't suck up to the Donald enough. I would have, as we know. We know you would have.

We needed you. Where were you when we needed you? We put all our money on... I say we, the government. But now that we've had the Brexit shot result and the Donald Trump shot result and Bono... Told you so.

Yeah. Bono... Woman of the year. Woman of the Year. Woman of the Year. Thinking of putting a few Bob and Ed balls for Strictly. Yeah. I think that's the one. Definitely.

I think actually those things you've listed, I think we might now all be totally unshockable. I think there's no surprise left. I'm putting money on Vince Cable winning X Factor. Is he on it? Well, he will be soon. No, you've gone too far. He's written a romantic novel.

No, but that idea of this theory that the people are sort of... It's like a brick-through-a-shop-window type of thing. People that's got a gun. Break down the system. Ed Ball's winning Strictly would turn the whole programme upside down. What with Aaron Goodman going,

he'd be smoking rubble. It's the end of days. It is. All the people programme upside down. What with Aaron Goodman going, he'd be smoking rubble. It's the end of days. It is. All the people have spoken now. Jane from Nottingham has got in touch with us. Oh, yeah? Saying, morning, you're keeping me amused, sorry, praise redacted,

whilst cleaning the whole house as meeting my son's girlfriend for the first time, trying to con her that we don't live like pigs. Yeah, I thought that it's the girlfriend who's supposed to be nervous. I like that the parents are nervous. That's rather sweet. Everything.

The world's upside down. It has changed, hasn't it? Yeah, but that's lovely. But she'll smell that jiff. Yeah, she will. Sif. Sif, is it? Oh, old school.

Yeah, Sif now. Whatever happened to... It's called Sif. The people have spoken. It's called Sif now. to... It's called SIF. The people have spoken. It's called SIF now. SIF it's called? I don't like the fact that it's called SIF. Well, it's been like that for a long time.

Let's name it after a venereal disease. It's not. No, C-I-F, not S-Y-P-E. I know, but once it's out there... Can you stop talking like this? Stop spelling. What do you mean, talking like this? Stop spelling. You two. What do you mean, talking like this? Well, stop spelling, yes.

Anyway, I think democracy's been an interesting experiment. Back over again. Yeah, it hasn't really worked. I like the opportunist scamp in Sweden who put himself up for marriage on eBay for $50,000 to any American women or men that wanted to leave the country and live in Sweden. That's a good idea, isn't it?

Cool, isn't it? And he was a handsome chap as well. Winter's are very cruel in Sweden. Yes. But if you want to leave America, you might forsake the sunshine for a while. It's expensive as well, Sweden. The daylight. I mean, the lack of daylight.

It gets you very down. Mm. All right. Anyway, here's Whitesnake. That's not really thick. Yeah, as Donald Trump would say. Franz Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think, couldn't we have a system running the country where you just get some, you know, bright people who know a lot about politics and just leave them to it

and stop the voting thing? What do you mean? Then no-one's going to upset the app. What I'm talking about is, could we run the country with a system not dissimilar to the Paul's panel? Oh, I see. Or Miss World. You get some experts. Eric Morley, perhaps.

And John Terry. The people on Miss World, the voting thing, you never know who they are. There's some really old Chinese woman who worked in fashion and stuff. I think John Terry did it. Did he? Yeah. There's some really old Chinese woman who worked in fashion and stuff. I think John Terry did it. Did he? Yeah. There's often somebody. There's someone like Peter

Gordino. I'm going back a bit. Google him. Could he dance? We've had an email, Frank, that is I'm afraid to tell you it's calling you out. You're getting caught. It's not from that bloke I met in I think it's actually calling you out. You're getting caught. It begins- It's not from that bloke I met in- I think it's actually calling you out.

In fire. You know, you remember that- In Vauxhall. You know that thing that you do where you go, oh, American references, oh, American boxers, oh, American comedians. Oh, boxers, yeah. Do I go, ooh? You do. You do? I'm afraid to say that is almost exactly your tone. Anyway, we've had an email that says,

Good morning, Tokyo. Happy to be seeing you. I recently picked up Frank's book, Frank Skinner, on the road, and after listening back to past episodes of the show on podcast, I was shocked to get no further than page SIX, in capital letters, before Frank is quoting none other than Jerry Seinfeld.

What? Frank then goes on to mention that he sits down to watch the documentary film about Seinfeld, and he again refers to him in 21 parts of his book, I think it says. Oh, my. Yes, Bob. Oh, no, no, no, no. Let's cue the music.

Put Frank here to explain himself. I can explain, because it's not like those terrible people who say, it's like that episode of Seinfeld, when... This is a documentary, and it's Seinfeld talking about comedy. And it's when he returns to life, comedy, and I'm with him.

It's not like... And then Kramer... You've got legs kicking in the water, can't you? And then Kramer said, oh, diddy. It's not like that. Do Kramer... You've got legs kicking in the water, can't you? And then Kramer said, oh, diddy. It's not like that. Do you know what this reminds me of? That episode of The Simpsons? Oh, yeah.

I think it's... He's been rumbled. No, it's a bit like that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. When Harry died, right? And then... All right? I say all right?h, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh. All right? I say all right? Yeah, all right.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cotter. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

I love the fact that you think wondering what happened to stuff is your idea and yours alone. But I was I was Working in the lab one night. When my eyes beheld an

eerie sight. My monster from its slab began to... I think we'll leave it there. Yeah. So, um... It's that time of the year, ladies and gentlemen. You know what I'm talking about? Yes.

Christmas. Nearly. Yeah. I've seen... Not long now. I've seen some decorations in local shops. And how do we know it's Christmas? Um... I've seen some decorations in local shops. And how do we know it's Christmas? Because the John Lewis advert has come out.

Exactamondo. That's my one. Exactamondo. What do we think? Frank's got respectamondo. You find your mondo. What do we think? I think...

Well, things they have said, things they felt had got a bit bleak in the last few years, they weren't criticising their past material, but they'd had the old elderly man on the moon, hadn't they? Yes. Who seemed a bit lonely. Left alone on the moon. Yes.

That's a bit sad. Yeah. They had animals going on a road trip, and then snowmen going on a road trip in a mournful way. And this year, you know what John Lewis have done? They've got a bit of material. They've gone down the comedy route. Just in case you haven't seen it yet,

let me give you a brief synopsis. Parents buy their child a trampoline for Christmas and erect it in the garden Christmas Eve night. They go to bed. The boxer dog, sleeping in the kitchen, looks through the window. Two foxes approach. They start bouncing.

Yes, bouncing on the trampoline. They're joined by a badger then joins them. A squirrel. A vile. There's a vile. A weasel. Elephants. No, there's no vile.

There's an elephant who breaks it. Can I give you the breakdown of the animals? Vile? No. Consonant? No, forget's no vole. There's an elephant who breaks it. Can I give you the breakdown of the animals? Vole? No. Consonant? No, forget the vole. Forget the vole. Two from the top line, please, Rachel.

Forget the goddamn vole. Two fox. Yeah. One badger. Yeah. One hedgehog. See, you don't want a hedgehog, do you? No.

You don't want a hedgehog on a trampoline. That's an accident waiting to happen. It's a health and safety advert waiting to happen. One squirrel. One squirrel? Yeah, one squirrel. There's two squirrels. No, there's one squirrel. It's not the ark. You know what there is? Two squirrels. There's two foxes. There's two of everything.

There's two foxes. So, yes, so they burn something down, the boxer dog looks frustrated. And he can't join in. And then the next morning, parents open French windows, say to child, there's your present. She races towards it.

The dog, the boxer dog, overtakes her and he jumps up and down on the thing. Thanks for your pitch, Mr Skinner. We're not going to make this film, though. If someone had come to me with that pitch, I'd have said, well, it's a very Cloud Cuckoo Land version of the natural world. The foxes would have torn those squirrels to shreds.

Can you imagine? They would have. Children would have gone out the next morning and there'd just been blood and fur on the trampoline. Can you imagine the excrement? Oh, everywhere. Every day as well on that trampoline. Eh? Welcome. Can you imagine the excrement? Oh, everywhere. Every day as well on that trampoline. Actually, I think Father Christmas gets the child

like one of those squirty cleaners in a J-cloth, so that's covered. That's dealt with. Oh, that's true. And also, can I say, I have set up one of those trampolines. Yes, I think you told us about it. Is that the one you did with Adrian Childs? No, no, that was the swing.

Me and Kath did the trampoline. Oh, how silly of me to forget. Yeah, the trampoline, it's really hard work to get the tension right. You've got to... He did look... I just can't get it in. It's like that.

He did look a bit grumped off, didn't he, the dad, in the advert. Yeah, but when the foxes get on it, they're making quite an indentation. If the tension was right, they'd barely affect the surface. A lightweight thing like a fox. The thing that happens at Denouement is

as Denouement go, not that staggering, but what happens is the dog is upset, as you correctly suggest and so he charges out the next morning and gets on the trampoline before the child and the family look at each other and they're really angry and upset. And I think

that's a bit mean. I mean, let the dog play on the trampoline. Let the dog see the trampoline. Yeah, but you know, it's her present. Come on. It's her present. Let her have the first go on it. They don't know that, you know. He's a dog. He doesn't know that. They don't know that that post he used to have at school, the wildlife of

Great Britain, has come to life and gone on the trampoline like that before. God forbid she gets talked to share. For heaven's sake. I know, but let her go first. That's right. Boxer dog. Can you imagine the big trails of saliva coming off its

black jaws? I did think that, you know, the saliva on the trampoline. Then she walks on, just ends up flat on her back, stepping on a terrible silver trail of flame. I mean, that would have been a nice slow-mo. Merry Christmas. For the

filmmakers, like a really slow-mo shot of just the saliva coming out. And then landing on her face. If it lands on the child's face, then she faints. Oh, yeah, and then landing on her face. If he lands on the choss face, then she faints. Yeah, they haven't... Maybe it's in the director's court.

I don't know. Well, seven million it costs. What? I mean, what are you spending on? An old dog handler. I don't know. Child actor. They're cheap.

I should know. And a couple of parents. A few old animals. There's an old dog handler living by me. He was caught in the end. 106 has got in touch to say, I've just watched the John Lewis ad and I think the badger's claws would have gone through the base of the tramp.

I think that... You know you have to take your shoes off to go on the trampoline, even if you've got trainers on, to let wildlife on there. Yeah, seems unfair. What about the hedgehog, don't get me started on him. I mean, what if he does that thing when you jump and then you sort of land on your bum and then jump back onto your feet. The hedgehog's never going to do that. He's just going to land. Stay.

And then the fox will eat his interior cavity out. And he's trapped. Yeah. Yeah. Like eating a coconut. Yeah. Yucky. Anyway, I hate it.

You don't like it? No, I don't. You're not a fan? I think it's their worst ever. Do you? Do you agree with the idea that they shouldn't have done a sad one this year? Because I found that a little bit patronising. Well, we've had a bad year. 2016's been a bad year.

But it's been a good year for me. I've really enjoyed my year and I was looking forward to some John Lewis advert catharsis. I've actually had a good 2016. I can honestly say I've never looked forward to the John Lewis advert in any aspect. And I don't think, OK, there's Brexit, there's Trump, there's that phone call from that barmaid in Wigan, but everything will be fine as long as they're happy. As long as the John Lewis advert's a bit up-tempo this year.

I mean, I like the fact that there's a big fuss made about waiting for the advert. Can I let you into a little secret? Go on. Have you seen the Marks and Spencer's advert for Christmas? It's better. What? Is it? What happens in that one? Well, I'll tell you who's in that. Isn't Gandhi in that?

He's not normally in them. Gandhi? No, he's not in that. David, not Mahatma. No, not Mahatma. He doesn't do the Christmas. He knows normally in them. Gandhi? No, he's not in that. No, David, not Mahatma. No, not Mahatma. He doesn't do the Christmas. He doesn't do Christmas. Oh, he fills the cold. Rules, rules, rules. Not on his diet. He likes an easy peeler. Wow.

No, he went out with that policewoman. Oh, God. Um, God, there's old references, there's old references. I mean, that is so old. People don't call the police peelers anymore. I don't think they do. I don't think they do.

What do they call them now, the Rosses? Yes. That's Wilton's musical reference. Whatever happened to. Um, OK. I'm told that in the John Lewis, from people I know, people who worked on the episode. I'm told, this is what Cass said.

that the way they got it to work is that instead of a trampoline, they had a big hot plate. And the animals just jump up and down to avoid blistering. Oh, you are terrible. So they gave them 20 minutes on there and they couldn't stand the smell of it. Of the burning pads. That badger was all... I've never seen him in such a state.

Yeah. And then they got him off and it was straight to an archipelago restaurant where they became a series of courses at a corporate dinner. Oh, don't say that. For the garage. Frank, we're going to get a complaint.

The minions. We will get a complaint. We're definitely going to get complaints. We will get complaints. It's not true. And also, you know, it's, you know, nature read in tooth and claw. Like I said, the fox would have finished off half of them. True enough.

Fox versus badger. I wouldn't mind it seeing that. That's probably on YouTube. That would be good, though, wouldn't it? My money's on squirrel. You reckon? Yeah. I'm back in...

I'd have a problem if it was grey squirrel versus red squirrel. Oh, yeah. Because I personally would identify, obviously, with the grey. Yeah. Right. But my son's ginger. He's the red squirrel. Oh, yeah.

My son's ginger, that's why I favour the fox. Yeah. Well, how do you think I feel about the fox? I mean, you know my love of them. You love the fox. Oh, yeah, but that fox is spoken for. Obscure crush. Foxy bingo.

That fox has done that thing. I hate it. You know when you get a bit of a get-together. Frank, you're calling him that fox, like he's your old neighbour you don't get on with. You know when you have a get-together with mates and you say, well, mate, look, a bit of a reunion. And then one of them brings their partner and you think, oh, that's sort of sparked the whole even. That's what the fox has turned up with his girlfriend.

And we don't know. And I'm sure she's lovely, but, you know, we can't talk about the old times with the hedgehog and the... No wonder the badge is getting so aerated. Yeah. The ferret didn't even... He saw it from a distance and just went off. Didn't even get on the...

Do you think, Frank, the fox said, you'll really get on? What about when they do that, when they bring someone along? I think the fox probably said, it's all right if I bring... And they went, um, yeah. Yeah.

And then they found, like, the badger found the squirrel and said, oh, he's bringing his girlfriend. What an idiot. Oh, shall we invite the boxer? No. I don't like, I don't, God, I don't want the saliva thing.

Frank Skinner on the radio. We sprechen about the John Lewis advert. Yeah. With the bouncing dog, who is he's called Buster the boxer. He's played by Biff the boxer. That's great knowledge, Frank.

Why bother changing the name? That's the sort of thing... That's a good point, yeah. You could do that as a mastermind specialist subject now. They allowed Marlene Klass to do Sex and the City Series 3. They did. You could do the John Lewis ad 2016.

But he's called Biff. Just call him Biff if he's called Biff. Are you bothered about the dog actor having an actor's name and a character name? I used to think, when I used to watch Hawaii Five-O as a kid and there's a big Hawaiian guy and he used to have his credit as Zulu as Kono and I used to think, why I used to watch Hawaii Five-0 as a kid, and there's a big Hawaiian guy, and he used to have his credit

as Zulu as Kono, and I used to think, why bother changing that? But to be fair, I'm guessing that Hawaiians watched it and thought, Jack Lord as Steve McGarrett, why bother that? Yeah, well, quiet. Thank you for that redress.

Well, he could have, are you suggesting he did what I call an AAH? What was that? And as himself. Oh. Biff the dog. I just think with the dog... His dog...

The name doesn't feature in anything in the advert. He's called Buster because they're going to bring out a cuddly tie of him to sell. Are they? Oh, are they? Yeah. Well, they did that with the penguin, Al. Don't you remember? I do.

A few years back. I do. I'm a very keen diarist, and I always look at my diary for around the John Lewis Christmas ad time. I've got John Lewis ad alerts. It says that most unsettling of phrases, that some of the proceeds will go to charity. We know what that means.

That's when I want a breakdown of what some means. But yes, I'd have been happy with... And his owner, who's obviously thrilled, posted a picture of him lying on his back. Huh? Disgusting. Was it disgusting? Oh, it was absolutely.

Do you want to see that? What, the dog's belly? I think it was a bit more than belly. Oh, he didn't post all of it. What did he have? Was he in his all-together, the dog? Well, it's, you know, a boxer. No, he was wearing his pyjamas.

What do you think? Well, when I buy my dog, I'm going to make them clothed. Are you? If they're going to lie on their... I mean, a boxer. I don't want people seeing them in the all-together. There's no foliage on a boxer, you know. Right.

With a long-haired dog, you can arrange it a bit for the folks. Why do dogs wear pants? 8, 12 the folks. Why do dogs wear pants? Um, 8, 12, 15. Why do dogs wear pants? I think they should. It's a good question. It's obscene. I'm, I've always been on keen on reading out, um,

readers' comments. Oh yeah, okay. From things like Mail Online, but I did see one about this advert from a person ironically called Sunshine Fan. Oh, yeah. And Sunshine Fan... I'm Hale Fan. I don't know whether this is a man or a woman.

We can make our own guesses. And this is the comment. How many dogs are going to be injured by people copying this advert? So that's this morning's texting. I'm guessing two. But I'll be interested to hear your figures. Yeah.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ian Angle, Angel. Oh, yeah. The punster. Punster extraordinaire. Austin Punster. He's texted in, he should have worn boxer shorts, meaning the boxer

dog. There you go, you see. Very good. Spot on. And a lot of texts were getting in from Nugget included making reference to this suggestion that the John Lewis ad is in some way an analogy for the American election result with Buster

being the Trump figure coming in at the last minute and surprising everyone, leaving everyone shocked and stunned. If that's the case, hats off to the John Lewis CGI people who knocked that together in about three hours by my reckoning. You'd never know it to look at it.

Just explain that picture of Donald Trump that appeared on Twitter this morning. Of him lying on his back. Well, as I said, the Marks and Spencer ad. Just briefly. I haven't seen that one. It's Father Christmas and Mrs Christmas.

Mrs Christmas so often is a sort of secondary figure in these things. Are these actors then? Sort of a her indoors these things. Are these actors, then? Sort of a her indoors figure. I think these are people playing... OK. I mean, the real one doesn't even feature in John Lewis at all. No.

I mean, the parents seem to be getting the toys and putting them up. Well, if there's any parents that that causes a difficult chat for, I've thought of a solve for that, which is that Santa, Father Christmas, lost his temper and went to the pub and the dad finished the assembly of the trampoline. That's how that panned out. Well, that's parents' toys, though,

because parents leave toys and Santa leaves toys. But John Lewis have obviously found Santa, the real Santa, because it's like such a big... They can't get an actor to do it, they have to get the real one. And he said, you know, this time of the year, no can do. I'm busy.

Yeah. Terrible time. So they've got actors in. So they haven't featured him, he's been written out. Yeah. He's too big for that gig. But anyway, in the Marks and Spencer one, Father Christmas goes off in the sleigh, and the wife, who I have to say, is very attractive, Mrs. Claus.

I think it's the first time I've ever looked at Father Christmas and said, who you doing well? She finds one missing letter of this. I won't tell you the whole thing, but this child asks a request and she goes off. Oh. And sorts it out like a dynamic, strong woman in the Marks and Spencers. Excellent.

Yeah. Oh. This sounds much better. It's great. And she's hot. Mrs Christmas. You know what? Has your demographic changed a little bit? I never thought I'd do this Frank But I'm going to Google her

Mrs Christmas Yeah I think you should do He looks way too old for her Does he? Yeah That's what I was asking really Has he gone for a younger I wouldn't want to be there

When all my Christmases came at once But I would recommend the Marks and Spencers. It's splendid. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you what happened. I don't know if you know, Al, but Emily Dean came round to my house on Sunday to watch the football.

Oh, I did. Did you? He laid on a lovely cheese-based spread. We had some a pois de bour Oh, I did. Did you? He laid on a lovely cheese-based spread. We had some a pois de bourgogne, I believe. Oh, you did? It's like French soft cheese. You did. That's why I was worried I got there too early.

Oh, it stinks. It stunk so badly, Buzz almost cried, I think. Yeah, when I said to Buzz, smell that, he was really disgusted. I'll tell you what did make Buzz cry. Frank and Adrian Charles, who was there, they got so excited. West Brom versus Leicester, wasn't it, Frank? It was.

And they got so excited. Do the noise you made when they scored. Well, you know, the noise you do when they score. Yeah! And he... He cried. He told us off. Oh, did he?

He was really upset. But then again, I must say, me cheering West Brom goals is not going to be a recurring. He's not going to need earplugs for that. No, no. It's not going to happen that often. But bear in mind, my partner told me off at the circus

for clapping too loudly, and now my son, my four-year-old, oppressed. Oppressed. Yeah, oppressed. But I'll tell you what was lovely is we were, West Brom won, so me and Adrian were very pleased. And Emily very fabulously said, I'm so happy for you guys.

Like we'd entered into a civil partnership. It is nice. Well, I did compare them to Statler and Waldorf on The Muppet. Indeed. Because they do this thing, the two of them, during the injury time. They wind themselves up. I mean, it's quite weird watching it. They get so upset and they say,

it's never going to happen, we're not going to do it, we always do this. And I said to Frank, you're like Statler and Waldorf. Frank said, yeah, that's the second time someone said that to us this week. Just the second. Second in a week. The last match we were at, a bloke said, you look a bit like Statler and Waldorf. Statler and Waldorf were two characters in The Muppets.

Yes. That's the footnote. Google. So how am I going to show appreciation now in my house if I can't clap or cheer? Mime. Oh, I'll tell you what, the double thumbs up.

You're a big fan of the double thumbs up. I got a thumbs up emoji from Charlie the producer this week. Did you? I mean, come on. What's wrong with that? It's a bit low, bro. The thumbs up. I mean, Paul McCartney can get away with it.

You know what paparazzi once said to me? Don't do a thumbs up. I mean, Paul McCartney can get away with it. You know what paparazzi once said to me? Don't do a thumbs up. We never show a thumbs up picture unless it's Paul McCartney. Is that a rule? Yeah, it's a helpful note. Friends get up on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake.

What about if I dusted off my Bravo? Bravo? Bravo? Yeah, that might get away with it. Probably a little bit pink beret. Yeah, for celebration. What about just an Alan Shearer raised hand and run around the living room? No, that could be misinterpreted.

That's what I say. For a football match, I could do a sports Bravo. Oh, very good. Shall I just say loudly, I'm so happy for you. It was lovely, though. It was a lovely communal thing, and we won. And you know when you win on the international break, you've got two weeks to save for it.

Oh, nice. I googled sofas with Cass in the break. You did. It's a nice thing to do. I googled the sofas. She said, Frank wants a Chesterfield, and there's nothing I can do about it. Oh, it's easy to slide off leather sofas.

Who says that sexual stereotyping is completely broken down? Me and Andrew watched the football and Kath and Emily Googled sofas. Much though I enjoyed the highlights of that game, I think I might have been over in sofa corner as well. No, do you know what? They were very decent. Very decent. I'm very pleased for them. How many people have watched West Brom beat Leicester whilst eating a poiseuse de boujon?

You guys. It showed me how far you and Ade have come. Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed, here on Absolute Radio. Even for the brief moment when I did feel I was in a pub in Smethwick when you scored. Well, it's the parts of me feel I was in a pub in Smethwick when you scored. Well, it's the parts of me that is always in a pub in Smethwick. Well, I'm there with you. It's my spiritual home.

Lovely. You know what? Up next is rock and roll football with OJ Borge, who still hasn't texted the cockerel. I thought you were going to have a grapple match. He said, I'll call you. And guess what? Has he called you? Always the bridesmaids. This is embarrassing, Frank.

If you've ever seen Women in Love, when Oliver Reed and Alan Bates wrestle naked in front of a roaring log fire, that's what we're hoping for with OJ and the cockerel. Front row seats. I cannot wait. Sorry it didn't happen. Exactly.

Exactly. But don't lie on your backs like that dog so look if if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week

thank you for listening and now get out hear the Frank Skinner show as it happens Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East get out.