The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Unconventional Laughter

Episode Date: February 11, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by the Divine Miss Em and The Cockerel and they're celebrating another birthday. Frank asks the readers what unconventional things make them laugh and the team discuss Beckileaks and ponder a style change for Alun.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show is another alternative. You can do that via the Absolute Radio website. Guess what? I had a strange journey in this morning oh yeah what happened well i got in and i said to the driver um morning and he and he said my whole and i thought now is that like a very poor attempt at morning he got to got mur and thought forget it or is it does he not speak English

or you know I was confused and I said do we go into Golden Square and he said Beth and I thought now this is does he just think

you know like with dogs, you know if you've got a dog called Anthony and people go, Anthony, if you went... It'd still call me, just the tune was following you. Essentially, he's communicating with you in a tonal language. That's right. As I believe is done in Thailand. So I sort of gave up.

I didn't bother speaking on the way in. And then when we got here, and I swear to you, I swear, swear, swear I'm not making this up. I said, OK, have a good day. And he went, Steel Pulse. I'm sure he said, well, I'm not sure. It sounded like Steel Pulse, the American, the Birmingham reggae band from the 70s.

Steel Pulse. It really sounded like he said Steel Pulse. No, it would have been something like Stay Something. Don't you think that? He didn't like... Stay Pulse. Yeah, Stay Pulse. Stay Pulse.

He didn't like... And then he got out and did some jive talk. He suggested he was jive talking. I think he was life coaching Stay Pulse. It's that hoggy bit. Oh, he did say bears. He said bears. I see, I see. And then he was life coaching Stipoz. It's not a hoggy bit. I thought he did say bears. He said bears. And then he said bears, woods,

you know what I mean? Goldensk, yeah, exactly. So the three things he said to you were slightly off-kilter. The first one was Mahon, which I don't know what that means. Mahon. Unless he's got his own German soldier at home. And then he said bears for, are we we're going to Golden

Square. I'd be willing to bet a grand he didn't say bears. I really wish someone else had been, because it was one of these things, and I thought, you know, the trouble is with this, people will think oh, maybe he's just made this up for comic effect. I swear to you. Have a good day. Stay paws.

Stay paws. Stay paws, maybe. He said stay paws. Stay pause. Stay pause. Stay pause, maybe. He said stay pause. He didn't look like... Stay pause is a bit jive talking, isn't it? Maybe. He didn't do one of those handshakes that takes like five minutes when he's touching my knuckles.

You know, when you're in any sort of cab, we celebrate all cabs here, because I know we get in trouble if we mention a specific one, but when you get in a cab and you make conversation and there's utter silence, I don't know what to do with silence. Well, I don't... I said this morning, it wasn't my usual driver. I said, oh, it's freezing, isn't it?

Yeah. That was the conversation. I think they told me... Why didn't he reply to me, Frank? I think they're probably reciprocating. What they've always said to me that drivers do is they'll say something early on, and if you don't respond much,

they'll think, oh, this is a passenger who doesn't want conversations, and they'll leave you. And maybe they think that we operate the same way. So you say, it's cold today. And he thinks, well, I'll send out the message. This is not a conversation I want to have. I'm not a chatty driver. Oh, well, next time I'll say bears.

Yeah, try that. It'd be great if you got the same bloke as me. Bears. And he went, well, oh. Steel poles. Yeah, exactly. Steel poles. Steel Falls yeah exactly Steel Falls and then you could say it was another 1970s reggae band

I'm going to go 80s Aswad we'll have Aswad that'll do thank you I think they might have been around oh no let's not get into a big Aswad phone at the start of the day I'm 12, 15 what circa were Aswad phoning to start the day. At 12.15,

what circa were Aswad? Absolute Radio, where real music matters. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, we've had some theories about what the driver was saying, but they're all rude. So we won't be going there. Oh, hang on, Frank. A wild horse. Don't go there.

I'm just catching a Pokemon. Because I know that's really unprofessional during the show, but you just suggested that the driver might be playing Pokemon Go. Well, when he said Mahon, he could have said, I'm playing Pokemon Go. I'm just kidding. He could have said that. Doing a weird Elvis impression.

And I said, what? If you had to did he then say thank you very much and if I then said to him I'm trying to remember if I said oh really

and the creatures are there any sort of actual animals that they resemble in any way bears now it's starting to make sense well the bears bit was at the start wasn't it

was that just after you said no bears was after my home oh was it what did the end bit there otherwise it wouldn't have home. Oh, was it? What did the end mean, though? Otherwise it wouldn't have made any sense. How foolish of me. What did the end mean? Oh. What, stay up holes? I don't know. I know what he was saying.

Is there anything I can use to attach these two pieces of paper together in an office environment? Stay up holes. Oh, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Okay, thank you. I don't remember asking that, but I might have It was early So I went

We're live, by the way, this week So you can text us on 8-12-15 Last week we pre-recorded It's not a thing I like to do You know, sometimes you have to You know, you have to Adam from Chingford, did you read that out? Adam from Chingford. Did you read that out? Adam from Chingford

living on love. I can't sing aspersions on his life there. Maybe he'll take you apart. Come on. I haven't read anything yet so far. It was just I was playing Pokemon Go briefly and I thought you might have been doing it. Morning team. Do you think the driver

was putting things in room 101? Bears? Steel pans? Maybe he put steel poles Morning team, do you think the driver was putting things in room 101? Bears, steel pans? Maybe he put steel poles in room 101 That would be a great, incredible left field choice And Ma Young, is it Ma Jong? Oh, Ma Young Is she actually texting him? Oh, Ma Young, I heard.

She sits behind the baby curtain at the back in the living... You know when you're in the living quarters? Yeah. I love the living quarters. They always have that in the dressmakers, I find. Oh, so Ma Yong was the other thing he wanted to put in.

Oh, Ma Yong. I wish he was on Room 101. I wish he was on this show. Ma Yong, Bears and Steel Pulse would be three brilliant choices. I'd be happy with that. Can I ask you a question about Room 101? You can. Do you sometimes, when you get the choices through,

and do you sometimes think, oh, I wish I hadn't gone for that? Well, you have to, I think it's important that they are talking about things that genuinely wind them up. So sometimes you just have to... But there must be sometimes you think, well, they're more obscure. That's great when they do that. Yeah, I mean, I like the fact that Sarah Millican

had chicken Kievs with not enough Kiev. I never even thought of that middle bit as being called Kiev. Oh, that's good work. But, you know, they're all God's chillen. So I... So I love them all. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Working in Frank's old school today, St Hubert's. Really? Barry the caretaker and his dog. Wow, that's... Yeah, that was my very big cross.

There's a church... Oh. A church adjoined. It's actually the church that I was... Nice school, wasn't it? Baptised, first confession, first communion. It was a nice school, yeah. 42 in the class.

There was no teaching assistants in them days. No. No. Yeah. I wonder if none still worked there. We had a couple of non-teachers. Non-headmistress. Yeah. I think you're going to have to be a bit more specific.

Well, we had Mother Mary Adrian. OK. Was the... Adrian? If Mother Mary Adrian was working there now, I'd assume it was Adrian Charles hiding out. Do you know Sister Josephine, that Jake Thackeray song about a criminal hiding in a convent?

I don't think I do. OK. Oh, Sister Josephine! No, I didn't know that. Founder of the convent. Pontoon team. It's very fine. Go on. What else?

What else? I went to Brighton last week. For the last phase. I know you're all sick of hearing about my birthday, but the last phase was me and my partner, Kath, went for a couples weekend. I want to say couples, it was just us. Last weekend?

Yeah, because we hadn't been away without our child before. I was texting for updates. It's quite a thing. Yeah, it's a bit, I'll tell you what it's like, if you've got a child and then you go away without the child. Do you remember at the end of Bullseye when Jim Bowen used to say, let's see what you would have won. Yes.

It's a bit like that. Let's see how easy life would have been. The Bullies music came on in a minor key, slightly amended, I seem to remember. Oh, did it? Oh, nice. It was terribly sad. Anyway, this weekend wasn't sad. It was lovely, I would imagine.

I mean, it was very strange not having a child. I mean, I read a newspaper. Really? That was a walk down memory lane. Yeah. Actually sat and casually read a newspaper. Absolutely brilliant. What did you do?

Oh, I do apologise. I used to ask you delicate questions. Tell you what, can I ask you something about reading in this paper? If there's an article, would you read an article that was like a whole page? It'd very much depend on... Yes, I would. Even if it's something I am fascinated by, I sort of, about two-thirds of the way through, saying, all right, I've got it now.

I've got an article in The Times today, and it is more than a whole page. I won't ask you to read that. Have you got an article in The Times? Yes, I have. Whoops. Of all the times to bring this up. Yeah, I thought I'd put it out there.

Well, we'll all barrel through half of it and then tell you what we think. Thanks, Frank. Thanks for your support. I'll read the first half, and then I'll think what I always do, alright shut up now. Frank Skinner

on the radio. So yes, Emily Dean, get the Times and read Emily Dean's article. Yeah. About that. Who thought we'd be plugging journalism today? Absolutely. Absolutely.

Anyway, you were telling us about... I'm telling you I don't finish any articles. Oh, how embarrassing. That's a thing, though, for parents, isn't it? Because I think I may have told this story before, but it won't be the first time we've repeated stories, and you're like, our family now, you'll tolerate this. I was once in a hotel room,

and Jonathan Ross and Jane were in the room next door with the kids and Jonathan knocked on the door and came in and he sort of had to leave very quickly and later said to me, I'm so sorry, but I was so angry when I saw you with a newspaper. He said it got me so worked up that you were sitting there with coffee on the bed with a paper and the kids had turned their room into a campsite and there was just rubbish strewn everywhere. So anyway, I understand that. I think there are pros and cons to parenthood. There's much beauty and lovingness, but there

is something brilliant about sitting and putting your feet up. Leaving a hot drink on a coffee table without any fear of, you know, somebody putting their face in it. Well, I think on a coaster, Frank. Obviously on a coaster. I mean, I didn't go completely wild. So what did you do? Did you go for walks?

One thing I did was listen to this show because we pre-recorded it. Oh, did you? I've got to tell you, I envy the listeners I thought it was it was so good Really? You know this is indiscreet

People know that you have this quality to you and I'm going to say quality because I think it is one I think it's a strength You're a sense of self-regard. No, no. Every comic has got that, surely. I am.

That's for sure. I mean, I must say, nothing's 100% in life, but, I mean, generally speaking, I was swept along in a wave of hilarity. The Guardian. Can you imagine anyone else doing that? Not easily. No, why? I think it's absolutely fair enough

I regard our readers as friends of ours and let's face it it's the only friends I've got beautiful so I don't want to lie to them The loneliest man in the world. Beautiful. But, so I don't want to lie to them. I think something else that happened,

something I'd like to ask our readers about. Yeah. There was high winds in Brighton. We walked back from Moshi Moshi, which is the sushi place, Kath and I, it was really wind. I mean, you know when you can sort of slightly lie on it? And whenever I'm in wind

of that intensity, I cannot stop laughing. I find it the funniest thing. I look hysterical, really properly laughing. And tears, I don't know if the tears are the wind or if it's my laugh or if it's just life! But, really, it was... It's like children's book, Windy.

You know that sort of comic when you see the man's umbrella turning inside out? Yeah, exactly. You wouldn't have even risked an umbrella. It does somewhat put his praise of the show into context, though, doesn't it? One minute he's laughing at the show, the next minute he's laughing at weather. Well, it's all about an expulsion of wind.

No, but I thought about... I laugh at high winds when I'm in them. Not when I'm watching them on the news, obviously. Yes. I laugh at fireworks. Do you? I crack up at fireworks I don't know why I was once watching fireworks

celebrating 50 years of ITV and I was standing next to Brian Ferry and I laughed so much Brian Ferry said are you ok? I said yeah I'm sorry. I always laugh at fireworks.

He just, he didn't embrace the oddness. And I find nowadays I laugh at very beautiful women. Do you? Yeah. I don't mean in an unkind way. There's just something so ridiculous about that level of beauty where I just, because I'm out of it now, I can stand back as an outsider

I just find it when you see like really I just think it's you can just wander over have a laugh and then say stay paused as you leave I don't get too close obviously but I'd like to know from on 8 12 15 what do you

laugh at which isn't normally conventionally funny? Frank Skinner on the radio. I'm not going to lie, Frank. I thought when you said... That makes me laugh when people say I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie.

When you said texting with weird things you find funny, I thought this is a no-ho of path. Thank you for your support. He's just thinking aloud. It's a desperate act. And I'll tell you what, you've lit up the switchboard. You really have. It's absolutely gone mad. Did you think it was a bit like when Frank kissed Greg Davis?

On that? On that relief show. It wasn't that left and left. No, it's gone crazy. I mean, 463 has texted, I laugh whenever my partner and I make the bed and give the duvet a shake. Weird. I can see that that is... No, I can't. 979, I find that I can't help laughing at caravans,

particularly if they're being pulled really slowly on a motorway. Which is when one normally sits them, I suppose, unless one goes caravanning. There is something comical about the sword. There's something, I tell you what, there's something poignant about them, if you know what I mean. It's a bit of

sweet laughter with a caravan. Yes. There's an air of terrible loss about a caravan. I don't know what it is. I tend to laugh at any man in a fashion hat. Oh, yeah. Like a fedora or... You know what, that's bad, but I laugh at that.

A man cut me off in traffic recently or felt I didn't let him in and he slowed down to give me what he felt was a sinister look. Yeah. And he had a hat on and I was laughing. It was a black fedora. And he had a hat on, and I was like, that's not laughing. It was a black fedora. And he looked ridiculous. Well, Johnny, John Wayne. John Wayne had a special station wagon built

with a raised section of the driving seat so he could wear his stetson while he was driving. I loved that. Like a sort of Luton van element to Iceland. What about 848? What I laugh at that no one else seems to laugh at is whenever a card payment declines at a

till point and after another attempt still declines, the customer's face goes redder and redder, they get flustered and the face of the person behind them gets frustrated and tutting begins. I laugh silently as I'm the cashier and I just love it when that happens. That's Anon from John Lewis.

Excellent. I actually forgot my PIN number. Oh yeah. Do young people do that as well? Am I counted in the young people demographic? You are from where I'm standing. I really thought this is it now.

I've had that happen a few times. If you forget your PIN number, you could be lost, couldn't you? You must have a few with your fortune. No, it's all... Incredibly, it all goes through the one PIN number. Just like when they used to put a grand piano through a letterbox on Frontier. Is it 1234?

Password 123. Password 1. 2, 3, 4? Password 1, 2, 3. Password 1. Password 1 was a development. It was password for years. And then I thought, here's a thought. Here's an idea. Mix it up a bit. To fox the hackers.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Monkey Jim has texted. Oh, how is Monkey Jim? He says, cheese makes people laugh, as does fish. Meat isn't funny, neither are vegetables, unless they're shit. Well, I won't read that. I won't read what he continues to say, but any vegetables are shit.

I don't agree that meat isn't funny. I don't either. I'm made of meat. You're funny, we know serve. No. Any vegetables are cheap. I don't agree that meat isn't funny. I don't either. I'm made of meat. You're funny, we know that. Yeah. You enjoy listening to your own radio show. I had to go out and have a listen to make sure, but everything's fine.

I can come back in again. Oh, my God. Anyway, we'll continue to update you as they come in. Yes, it's good, though, isn't it? You can spend your whole life sweating and crafting jokes and then what people are laughing at is duvets.

Samantha Banks, when I go to school plays and a kid has their pumps on the wrong feet. Oh, that is funny. You know, I was just thinking about this the other day. I put my shoes on the wrong feet and Kat said, get those shoes off my feet. That was a joke.

And I thought, why do we even bother? We're making shoes that are right and left shoes. Can't we sort that out? What do you mean? It seems to me that just straight shoes that go straight would cover everything. Sort of an espadrille type thing. Why do we have to commit?

It would look horrible. It would look absolutely horrible. Can you imagine, Frank, what are you, Northampton Clown? I find the whole thing now, it's just a bit old-fashioned, the idea of having left foot and right foot. Unlike you and your trendy hipster rectangular shoes. And on the wrong feet. I mean, what are you talking about?

If you put them on the wrong feet, they've made them. My feet don't really flare out at the end the way shoes do. They don't? No, do yours. Your feet don't flare out? No, they don't. They don't go around the corner slightly the way... The shoes look...

It looks like somebody stopped the shoe. One was going to veer to the left and one... If they kept going, your shoes would cross at the front. I think that doesn't make any sense to me. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're listening to Absolute Radio. What are you doing? This is the Frank Skinner Show.

You can text the show on 8-12-15. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. With your complaints about Frank eating apple on air. Well, Frank was saying in the... Look, if there's any children listening, apple's very good for you. Carry on eating the apple while we do the thing. Someone has

texted in, Al. Oh, yeah? Because Frank was saying, this is like the bit in Nat's life when they used to go over to the panel. Cyril. Yeah. Well, it's not Cyril, it's the other boys. There were some other characters. Esther would just hand over to them. This is the tale of

Billy Bulls who went around neglecting tools. It's the sort of thing Cyril used to do. Frank was, in rather a late review, Frank was talking about shoes and how poorly designed they were. I'd say Cyril Fletcher's a fairly light review. OK, fair enough. But yes, I don't get the left and right thing. He just says, you know, with the shoe.

Chris Davis has responded, next time we see Frank, will he be wearing tissue boxes on his feet? Straight shoes, silly comment, Frank. I mean, he's really taken a guinea. Yeah, but, you know, they all laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round.

They all laughed when Edison recorded sound. Oh, they all laughed when Edison recorded sound. Oh, they all laughed when the caravan was going up the motorway being pulled very slowly. They did. I'll tell you when they didn't laugh. When? The Brits.

Anyway. I do think, I think often when things are very accepted, a challenge, at first you think, well, that's ridiculous. And then just if you think about shoes a bit more, you think, actually, do we need them to be a different shape? I mean, when I put my trousers on, do I think, oh, I've got my right leg and my left leg. It looks completely strange.

No, it fits fine. Love song of Alfred Pruitt-Frock, 2.0. Google it. Frank, what shape would you like the shoe to be, then? You're saying it's too rounded and it should be... They don't need to commit either way. Just leave space for either foot and then just get them like that. Okay.

So when he says tissue boxes, that's sort of what you mean. No, they don't need to have corners. He's being facetious, is my guess. Although I think they would probably assist the balance if they were kind of quite blocky. The trouble is with tissue boxes, I think you still want the whole move towards one end.

You don't want it central. Yeah. Unless you're going to put both feet in one. Well, now it's getting loose. I might get some quite heavy tissue box shoes. This is not some sort of, you know, flight of fancy. I honestly think that it's an outdated concept, the left and right

shoe. If you've got heavy enough tissue box shoes, like maybe made of wood, not a clog but like a tissue box with quite a wide base, you could ride on the tube and not even bother with a handrail. You could just... And then when it wobbles, you're totally fine. Well, that's something.

See, already the possibilities. What started as, ah, ha, ha, what a ridiculous... Suddenly, but hold on a minute. So many business ideas come up on this show. It's like Dragon's Den, isn't it? Again, it's like Dragon's Den, but without the big ventilator fans. Christine has texted something that makes her laugh.

OK. Inexplicable things that make you laugh, or is it inexplicable, it's more strange things? Well, I'd say things that aren't viewed as conventionally comic. Christine has showgirls in huge heels and feather headdresses walking around stages with their arms wide. Yeah, that is funny. I understand that. See, I couldn't get that. I didn't see that at all until you said with their arms wide. I also laugh at football.

You know when football fans stand and look at the other supporters and hold their arms out really wide? I also find that hilarious. Yeah. Unless I'm cornered, obviously. Hmm, that's fine. People struggling with too much luggage is a thing that I chuckle at. I know it's

not fair because they've got a lot on their plate already but if they've got too much luggage it is funny. It is funny seeing them trying to sort it all out. No, it's true. I don't think that's too cruel. I've laughed at much cruel laughter.

If that consoles you in any way. A bit, a bit. French Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. We've got one more email that I would like to bring to your attention about laughing uncontrollably at just life, strange things in life. Life.

I laugh uncontrollably at oven chips. I've Googled it and it is not a common phenomenon. I'll tell you what I like about that. I like the optimism of Googling it, thinking I bet there'll be loads of stuff about how funny oven chips are. I love the thoroughness, though. I Google so many odd things

that I'm really glad that other people do that. Good. That's a thing, is it? But oven chips, I can... I mean, I wonder if it's when they're cooked or when they're... Through the window. When you're watching them through the oven window? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. We've had a complaint as well from 925. What? You mentioned mummies last week. Mummies as in... Not as in the yummies. As in the Egyptian. You mentioned mummies last week in what I thought in Egyptian. Not as in the yummies, as in the Egyptian. You mentioned mummies

last week in what I thought was quite a derogatory fashion. Leave them alone. They're my favourite monster. They already get a bad rap. Oh. That's some

Johnny and Russell. Is that a joke? A bad rap? No, well he spelt it R-A-P. But perhaps it was, you know. Well, I bet it is now.

It is now. Yeah. I do remember mentioning mummies. How did that crop up? Me neither, and you've heard it again since. I do, I do. To be honest. I think I referred to it, because I was talking about Doctor Who,

and I said, why can't they just leave it all nice, like your episode, where there's a dinner party on the train, and then a... You're quite right. A sonic warlock comes in, and you said it was a mummy. The sound of my own laughter drowned out some of the show. About two thirds of it. Oh no, not that much.

This man has also met you in the bathroom Frank. He's met me in the bathroom. At the Hawthorns. I said hello, for some reason you ignored me. Yes, I I'm not my most chatty at the urinal no i apologize what are you going to do offer to shake hands it's a nightmare we're into i'm sure i didn't ignore him did i that's not me at all i'm very on you you're a man of the people genial

yeah that's me now we need to talk about Becky Leakes. We do. Who's going to tell her? When she's been working on the show a while, she's ruining the upholstery. Absolutely. What about if that was Cockerel? Cocky Leakes.

Oh, yeah. Cocky Leakes. Wouldn't work with you. Can you still get Cocky Leaky? Yes. Okay. I haven't seen a tin. You know, I? Yes. Okay. I haven't seen a tin. You know, I peruse the shelves. I haven't seen a tin for a while. It happens. It definitely

happens. Is it always in that... You know that tin? There's a weird soup, a sort of underground soup. It's got like a tartan label on it and a spag. No, it's got a... I think it's a company. I think they have several brands. Oh, I was saying hello.

There is a stag. Hang on. What is it? It's a stag. Text in 8-12-15. What's the stag soup? It's obviously, I think they specialise in Scottish soups like coca-lake. I'm sure it's not Molagatorny.

Vicious was. I think it's a company with several types of soup. No. OK. Do you remember any stacks of tart? Don't need to be so aggressive. I said Campbell's. I don't think Andy Warhol would have thought,

I can paint loads of these. I like the stack. They're a Scottish company, Campbell's. They should be. You two are aware we're on the radio, aren't you? Sorry, OK. Sorry, we're on the radio. I forgot that.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about David Beckham, because I always want to talk about David Beckham, because I love that man, but he's had a mare of a week, Hal. He's had a bit of trouble. Hasn't he? Yes. He, um... I have to say,

it's one of the funniest news stories I can remember. I love the... In case you don't know, there was emails. Now, let me start by saying that the Beckhams claim, first of all, they claim that they were hacked. Well, obviously they were hacked.

But also they said they might have been doctored. Hacked, doctored and selected to misrepresent them, I think is their, like... Isn't that a thing if you wonder? Hacked, doctored, selected. Oh, my God. Yeah. It wouldn't have been such a hit. That's how Donald Trump chooses a mate, maybe.

So he says that, so he's claiming that they've been, but anyway, the content is, whoever put it in, that seems to suggest that David Beckham, he's gagging for a knighthood. I mean, he's absolutely furious. Oh, he's gagging for a knighthood. He wants a knighthood. I mean, he's absolutely furious. Oh, he's gagging for a knighthood. He wants a knighthood. He really wants one.

And I love that, because people are so, you know, oh, it's lovely, I'm very proud. I like the idea that it... Because he's raised, like, three and a half million, four million quid, you know, for UNICEF. And the idea that that was all about getting a knighthood. What about... The kids still get the money.

What about when he says... We all got get the money. What about when he says... We all got paid. Frank, what about when he says, unless it's a knighthood, expletive. Yeah, there was a lot of expletive. A lot. He loves an expletive.

Particularly, there's a class A swear word. Yeah. And it follows the word unappreciative. I think it, yeah. And unappreciative is such a... It precedes the word. Oh noative. I think it, yeah. And unappreciative is such a... It precedes the word. Oh no, it follows it.

No, it follows it. So he calls them unappreciative and then a class A swear word. And unappreciative is such a lovely ornate... I mean, what is it? Five, six syllables. It's a big one. You sound lovely work there. It's like having a beautiful ornate staircase leading to a latrine.

So it's class swearing, really good swearing by him because it sounds like it's going to be more, you know, and then you hit the brick wall of the big swear word. So he's shot up in my estimation, but he's feverish. Well, I know why as well. He's feverish hunger for a night. He's throwing a bit of shade at KJ. I think we'll have to call back to this.

Frank Skinner on the radio. We were talking about, speaking of panic, that was the moment when David Beckham got the phone call saying, you know those emails the fury you say those I mean 18 million of the things what that's a lot that is a lot

they're not all from him to do with him I think they're a football sort of based company so it's like the wiki leaks of football I think they're actually calling... So it's like the WikiLeaks of football, it is. I think they're actually calling it something like

FootyLeaks. Like a cachet of emails. Oh, I love the word cachet. Thank you. Cashews, cachet. But best of all, beef bourguignon. You like that? Yes. Do you think David Beckham... I was worried, because you've mentioned

his little, his sort of downturned mouth in the flesh. That worried me. His collapsed mouth. Isn't it a lovely thing that that collapsed mouth is such a potty mouth? I love the fact that... Well, he's a footballer. We shouldn't be surprised that he swears. But he's kind of got a squeaky clean.

I am actually surprised that he's... I'm actually surprised that he's... I wonder if he only swears in the written form. I wonder if it's only in email. But bear in mind, they've been doctored. Apparently. That's what Simon Olivieri... Yes, I know all the names of the people involved.

That's what he says. Well, I believe they've been doctored. They've certainly cleared up the spelling and the grammar. Oh. Yeah. So he throws shade at Catherine Jenkins. Yes, I know. Again, we can't say what he called her. Well, he called

her a swear word joke. Yes. That's what he called her. A something joke. But he's upset that... Well, actually, he didn't say that she... He said it was a joke that she'd got an OBE for singing at the rugby,

visiting the troops and... And we can't say the other thing. ..and taking a Class A drop. You can, it's in the public domain. She's said it, she's talked about it, I think. Yes. He said, it's a joke. Yeah. I think the idea of somebody getting in the Honours thing

and when you say of a celebrity, for what? Like, that's such... I like that the Queen was given a list of qualities for Patrick Jenkins. Didn't get bored after visiting the troops, or troops, that'll do me, and never got down to the class A drug. It was a clerical error. It's a funny thing to want so desperately now. Isn't it?

I mean, Robert McGarvey was knighted. Was he? Was he? I think he was stripped of it when they realised maybe things were a bit funny. Harsh. I think he took his back when the Beatles got their MBEs. He's one of those people.

Still one of my great... Mussolini, knighted. But one of the great... When people gave back their honours as a protest that the Beatles had got MBEs. This was in the days when pop stars and that didn't get MBEs. A man defending them in a letter to the Times said that they had made millions for the British corduroy industry.

said that they had made millions for the British corduroy industry. One of the best defences of the Beatles, I think I've ever heard. Yeah, poor old Catherine Jenkins. I mean, how did she... For all the people to... I mean, you know, I do believe that she's Lucifer's representative on Earth. I've often thought that she is diabolic in that way. This is not a metaphor. I think she's actually the agent of Satan. But she still does a lot of good work.

Yeah. Because, you know, it's a mysterious regime. What, Satan? Yeah. That's what I'm describing it. He also moves in mysterious ways, I believe. But of all the people to pick out, I wonder why he went for Catherine Dinklage.

I was really not happy about that. He says if he was American, he would have definitely had a knighthood by now, which seems to me to show a fundamental misunderstanding, perhaps, of the British honour system. No, no, no. Yeah.

You have to be British, I believe. Except an honorary knighthood, as in the case of Robert Mugabe, or Mussolini, who got one. Mussolini got a knighthood? It's not sounding like a great game, is it, now? Ceausescu, knighthood? You're kidding me. No!

Chant! Am I just going to say horrible world leaders that voice is very high? What's that mean? Chant! You know it's an insight for Bob McGarvey. I like that.

I've got one. Yeah, I know. It's all right. It's all more right. We know. But they don't have to be absolutely on the nail. They can be right. It's all right. We know. But they don't have to be absolutely on their nail. They can be a bit approximate in their qualities.

Yeah. I mean, if someone, if the Queen said to me, can I, sorry to call you. Sorry to call you at work. I got a phone call from the Queen. Yeah. She said, sorry. You're not going to get a phone call from the Queen.

What if I do? She said, sorry to bother you, but I'm, you know, we've only got one on the left. I can't decide. Catherine Jenkins, Bob McGarvey. I know where my advice would fall. Frank Skinner on the radio. We've had a correctione.

Oh, yeah. Andy and Cheadle. He says, or, he says, was it Cheadle Holm? Cheadle Hume. It's an area of Stockport, Greater Manchester. Lovely. Come on, Cockerel. I used to stay in Hume quite

regularly. Hume is a different part of Manchester. Yeah, I got to know the people at Autoglass by their first names. Oh, did you? Yeah. Say no more. Come on, Cockerel. It's pronounced cash, not cachet. I know it's spelt cash with an E on the end,

but this is simplified for you. You're welcome. I believe Andy's correct. I think so. Well, there's cachet, which means sort of kudos, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there's cash. As in, like, a group of things?

Yes. Okay. But cachet. And then there's cash as in money, like, a group of things? Okay. But cash. And then there's cash as in money. Well, don't you know it? Yeah. And then there's cash as in, my daddy left home when I was three and it didn't leave a light for my ma or me.

Yeah. So, also, we've had a shout-out from Tony. I was going to say a shout-out, he's got in touch. Not the tiger. No. I went to a football match with him once. You've worked with them all, haven't you? What about when you and Adrian Charles went in the mascots

and you went on the pitch? And were you inside the... He was Baggy Bird and I was Baggy Junior. So we were dressed as giant throshes. I like the idea of Adrian's slightly misanthropic worldview and body language in the mascot. But he's so competitive, Adrian. Baggy Bird's the main one.

There was no question that I'd be allowed to be Baggy Bird. It's like when he said, let's go to QPR as Batman and Robin. I didn't even ask. I didn't even ask. I knew where it was going. Anyway, Tony says, Hi Frank, we're working in the building next door. We'd love your show and would appreciate a hello.

Also, my gay electrician friend, if you don't, we could always start drilling the wall, but only after we've finished our tea. That's love, Tony. Hi, Tony. Yes. If you don't, we could always start drilling the wall, but only after we've finished our tea. That's love, Tony. Hi, Tony. Yes. Waving at you, but I don't know whether that's you waving at him. I feel bad saying hello, gay electrician friend. I feel bad for your son. Sounds like

I'm sure he's got a name as well. I like the mild threat to it. Yeah, we'll start drilling the wall. Say hello to us. I'd like you to start drilling the wall. It's not my building. Yeah, exactly. Do you like it? You'll probably get through to Kiss FM. But yes, well,

keep at it, Tony. I feel your personal warmth coming through the masonry. Yeah. Meanwhile, we were on the honours list, weren't we? Oh yeah, Ceausescu yeah I've always found it a bit clunky

That they use the phrase for services to Music and charity Or for services to sport The only time that I thought it was fine Was when Andy Murray got his for services to Backhand returns Oh What I mean

Oh come on. That's lovely. That's got a lot of cash. A lot of cash. That joke. I don't. I think hacking and all that is obviously a bad thing, but it's great when years of media trading are completely overridden.

And the beast within emerges. It's such a joy. Where's my knighthood? What do you think? Go help these children. Oh, I just love that. Funny, if all public figures were just open like that, wouldn't life be more interesting?

Surely this is the point, though, is that the greater the gulf between the public and the private, the more amusing and satisfying it is when this happens. Just be honest, like Frank Skinner. And also tantrums are very funny. They are. Well, when I was on tour, the gulf between the

public and the private barely existed. God. Legend! Legend! That was actually, I was reading one away on email. I thought I might as well get it out the way. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just draw a line under the soup labelling that you were trying to... Because we've had many an email and tweet and text.

It's getting on for 18 million now. 18 million? Yeah. That's amazing. Baxter's Soup, it is. Oh, yes, it is. Baxter's, of course. And Hazel from Stirling has said,

Baxter's Soup make cocker leaky. So, you know, full resolution. That's just graffiti. She's from Stirling. I wonder if they're based there. Maybe. They've probably got knighthoods, that Baxter's lot. Oh, I bet. I bet they've got an imprimatur.

You know those things? They know those by appointment. I bet they've got a by appointment. What about when Benson Hedges used to have one of those? Oh, yeah, that's right. They loved a Siggy, the Royals, back in the day. Did the Harrods ever get theirs back?

Oh, I don't know. Well, they all got a bit murky, didn't they? Well, they took it, because Mohammed Fayyad claimed that the Duke of Edinburgh had been involved in a plot against the Queen of Hearts. And he didn't like it. He didn't take to it.

He didn't like that. Fair enough. Didn't go well. Fair play. Fair play. Speaking of the royals, if he did get knighted, one of the problems is the Queen is, God bless her, is not getting any younger.

No. She's a veteran of many, many royal engagements and royal duties. When he kneels, he's got that big cross on the back of his neck. She might have a flashback and think he's been booked in for a beheading. That would be, I mean, what a way to go. And what would be the legal implications? You couldn't jail the Queen. Very difficult.

She wouldn't last five minutes. They'd have to hush it up, wouldn't they? They'd say, oh, well, we sneaked him out through the kitchen because there's a crowd outside and someone had left a scimitar on a shelf. And poor old David didn't see it, walked straight into it, head came off. It would be covered up.

The gloves would be burnt in the grounds. Oh, I've got a suggestion. This is no joke. I think, Frank, I think you should possibly get a knighthood. But what, for services to... You bet, if it's a comedy. Oh, well. You pay your taxes, you're an honest man,

you bring a lot of joy to the nation. Yes, I'd have it. I think you should have it. You'd have it. I'm not one of those people who turn them down. You are national treasure now, aren't you? Borderline. You should have it. I'm not one of those people that turn them down. You are national treasure now, aren't you? Borderline. I'm not sure.

But... Kath would turn up at the palace with a rucksack and a plastic bag. No, Kath wouldn't go. Kath would say, I don't want to go there. Oh, no, I don't fancy that much. She'd go for a run instead. But I think people... It's all comedy, the honours system.

I think people who turn them down are taking them more seriously than people who accept them. Yes. I don't think... He wants one now. It's just a bit of a laugh, isn't it? I'd like to see his private emails about this very subject, actually. I'm just saying, Al,

this character here managed to get a part in Doctor Who after a few mentions on the show, so an honour's can't be... I certainly don't want an honour as much as I wanted a part in Doctor Who. True. No, I wouldn't swap that. What about Wayne Rooney? If he's going to be services to football, he has just broken the record for goals for England.

You'd think that'd be just the sort of thing you got an eye to it for. Got to do the charities, love. No, no, services to football. thing you got an eye to it for. Got to do the charities, love. No, no. Services to football. And he definitely wouldn't turn it down. He never says no to an old lady. Late review. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Here it comes. Oh, I enjoyed it. I like the way I framed it. You weren't the only one. I enjoyed it. I like the way I framed it. You weren't the only one. I felt it was framed. It wasn't just dropped in. It was in a gold frame, it felt like. You had that little look in your eye like,

I'm going to get there. Oh, yes, it's fabulous. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, Sharon Osbourne... Oh, yeah. She is not impressed. She zinged him, didn't she? She did.

She called him shallow. She said he's embarrassed himself. Yeah, to want a knighthood is shallow, she said. Now, I don't really know Sharon Osbourne's work. I only know her from the reality show The Osbournes, and she's a judge on The X Factor. So for her to be calling other people shallow feels a bit Glass Houses,

but maybe she has a depth that I'm unaware of, does she? I think she's paid to have opinions, isn't she? Oh, OK, fair enough. Well, what she said, and you're like this, Frank, because I believe she used a phrase that you once said to a man on the beach who irritated you. She said, get a life. I'm not

one of my best zingers. Why did you say it to the man? Was this the man that was slowing you down? Did the man slow him down? He's got a racing issue. If David Beckham's done anything, he has got a life. Yeah. Wow, what a life he's got.

Yeah. Obviously, he's got drawbacks. But a lot of it is fun, I should think. Loads. Yeah. I mean, it looks fun, his life, doesn't it? Yeah. I mean, I can imagine him sitting at home thinking,

oh, but I bet he has a lot of nice times going on. Nice dinners and things. Yeah, and he's very well groomed and all that. Lovely clothes. I bet he gets sent free sunglasses. Oh, yeah. Frank went to buy some once, got freebies with Jeff Brazier. Yes.

Seven pairs. Fourteen I got. Brazier got nine and I thought, if Jeff Brazier's going to leave here with more sunglasses than me... Al, is Brazier surname status then, is he? Brazier. I'm a Garby. Brazier. I started public school with him.

No, I do think public charity work, I think a lot of people do it because they care about people. A lot of people do it. A bit like getting your card stamped at Costa. Right. You get enough stamps, you get your honour. But the people being helped... The public auctions I'm a bit suspicious of.

But the people being helped, they still help the same. So, you know, who cares what the rest... Unless one takes the line of T.S. Eliot in Murder in the Cathedral to do the right deed for the wrong reason is the greater treason. Oh. But, I mean, the kids don't care

as long as they get their shoes. Yeah. That's my view of charity in the 21st century. Hello. That's Dr. Bedardo waiting for me outside. Stovepipe hat, little glasses. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15. Many have none of regretting it. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Yeah. I went

this week. You've had another apple, we should just say. That was better timing. It was just a little bit of I'll see if I can get cathetered tongs later and get that bit of skin at the back. I can get Kath to do tongs later and get that bit of skin at the back. Kath to do tongs?

Oh, Frank. No, we've been together too long. I mean, that knighthood is floating away now. It is. I could grasp it. I don't need it. Kath went out this week. I stayed in and looked after our child.

And her and her sister went to see Goodfellas. Oh, late review. Is it on at the cinema? It's on at the British Film Institute. Has she never seen it? No, she'd never seen it before. It's quite a male film. I think it's alright to say that.

It's one of my faves, I would say. Then I am quite male. Meanwhile, I went to see Beautiful, the Carole King musical. Did you? It's a funny whole world, isn't it? Yeah. I went... Arturo was at the Carole King musical.

Absolute Radio's Jason Manford was there. Was he? He was. Because he loves the musical. He does, yeah. He's in them, of course. But he wasn't in that one. Is he still in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?

He's just finished Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. He was telling me that. Oh, is he? Okay. Sarah shook her head. She knows all the Manford. Yes. Helped with all the Manfordian news.

So he... I was sat there. I had Jason Manford behind me, Jesse Wallace in front. Stuck in the middle with you. And Sunita at the side of me. I mean, it was a night of a thousand stars. Yeah.

Or three. How was Sunita? She was... With Elijah, I guess, was either an older sister or maybe a mama. It's hard to tell. You've just possibly really offended someone. Yeah, that's why I'm being a bit vague about it.

But she was done up to the nines, I mean, in a nice way. So, you know, it was hard to guess. I tell you who was there, David Bradley, who played William Hartnell in Adventures in Space and Time. Oh, come on. And I went over and told him what a great job he did. And I thought this is the closest I'll ever get to shake hands with William Hartnell. And then I remembered, of course, the afterlife.

The afterlife. Was he pleased that you liked his performance? It's really nice. It's a very nice job. Oh, good. I wanted him to be nice. When you look at it like that, the afterlife is a very comforting safety net, isn't it? Yeah. For people whose hands you haven't checked yet. I'll say, oh, yeah.

The thing is, I've spoken to people who've worked with William Hartnell, and should I be lucky enough to go upstairs, I'm not sure he'll be around. Right. He was a tricky character. He was a tricky man, Billy. But I'll tell you what now,

can I say first of all, and we don't do adverts on this show, but if we see something brilliant, we say it's brilliant. Well, we do do adverts. We don't publicise things. I don't actually, I don't say, who the London car,

whatever the point is with something. We buy any cars. Because I don't want people thinking that we buy any cars. No, I certainly don't. We're all all right for cars, as far as I can make out. Fabulous. But Carole King... What do you drive, Al?

Well... Sorry, Frank. I've recently purchased one anyway. I'll come back to that. I thought Carole King was that woman who did Tapestry, that one album that sold a lot in the 70s. Right. I had...

Carole King, who knew? Who knew how many songs she'd written? I'll come back to this. You'll be absolutely... I mean, classics that I knew had nothing to do with her. Shall I give you a quick example before we go on? Yeah. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? Yeah. Will you still

love me tomorrow? No. Yeah? Well, he's just turned you down there. He's just answering you. Yeah. On Broadway,

do you know that one? Of course I do. Up on the roof. On the roof. Nice. One fine day This isn't Family Fortunes, name a Carole King song Oh, it's like being Jive Bonnie

Google it We just had a very exciting moment when Sarah, the assistant producer Showed us a drawing that had been done for her by Tommy Steele. Yeah. Is he a knight? Oh, yes. He should be. Come on. You can't have David Beckham get a knight bud. A knight bud? A knight hod.

And he did get a knight bud once, I think. Yeah. But she went to the papers. Not proven. No. Sir Tommy Steele, it's got to be Sir Tommy Steele. Surely he... I believe not, Sarah seems to think. And she does know all things Steele.

And he was like rock and roll, British rock and roll. He was in the musicals. Multi-talented man. Sculptor of the Eleanor Rigby statue in Liverpool. So when people at home are thinking, I wonder what they talk about during the songs. Here you are. It's Tommy Stiltz.

The statue is done by Tommy Stiltz. Frank, was he a sculptor? Well, yeah, then again, no. Yeah. Any other job opportunities he considered? I think he was offered a job selling potions in a travelling show. And he said, I'm sorry, I think that's an outdated profession.

And now you can't just roll into a town like some sort of troubadour. You have to have licence and that to sell. And I think quite a lot of testing of the potions. Yeah, there's a lot of... I don't approve of that. Forget about it. Clive Silas is one of my regulars. He's been in touch.

You were talking about Carole King, the musical. Yeah. He says, Monkeys songs too. I'm a believer. No, get out. No, that's wrong. Oh, OK. I'm a believer.

I'm a believer was written by Neil Diamond. OK. What she did write, when I say she... Blank knows all the religious based songs. To be fair, I don't want to be sexist about it, Gerry Goffin wrote the lyrics to these songs. They wrote Pleasant Valley Sunday for the monkeys. You know that one?

Uh-uh. No. Another pleasant valley Sunday. Anyway, so I was astonished. It was as if... Imagine if I'd gone to the Jason Manford musical with Carole King. And we'd discovered that Jason Manford had written, you know, My Dog's Got No Nose, Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road,

and many of the early Piper and Knock Knock jokes. I don't understand. No, it's like that now. She'd written all these classics, I had't understand. No, it's like that now. She'd written all these classics. I had no idea. Well, I'd like to extend a formal offer to your mother-in-law who you said you thought might enjoy this.

Would she like to join us on a girls' outing? Yes, I think Sandy Mason would love Beautiful, the Carole King musical. It's a hot date. So the girls from the show are going to take my mother-in-law. Yeah. Take my wife, please. Obviously, I'll be paying for your lady.

That's my Wynronian impression. Never mind me. What about your mother-in-law? Oh, my God, Frank, I can't believe you said that. The horror. It's a special. It's a... The horror. The horror.

That's my Marlon Brando. He's doing his apocalypse now. The horror The horror Are you alright? That's my Marlon Brando He's doing his apocalypse now So anyway, one thing that we need to mention I hate shows where they go on about their birthdays Don't listen to last week No, all the way before Well, it was someone's birthday this week We're going to go to

The Fez has been placed in front I should say that when I'm talking too much But, well, it was someone's birthday this week. We're going to go to... The fez has been placed in front. I should say that when I'm talking too much, the producer, Charlie, puts a small fez in front of me. Just like that. It means move on. And I'm not joking. I can show you a picture of me.

Thank you for the love for that, Al. So did I miss something good? No, I said just like that. Oh, that was a good joke. Sorry, I was doing admin. I was doing admin. That's like we were on a break. He couldn't really use you for that excuse.

What, you slept with Susan from work? I was doing admin. Don't try it, don't try it, Geoff. Frank Skinner on the radio. So, it was the Cock cockerel's birthday this week. It was. Yeah. Happy birthday.

Mazel tov. Thanks very much. It was nice. I enjoyed it. I have received a gift from this show, which is a gum shield mould that when I then put my teeth in it and we send it off, I will then be...

What will be returned will be a gum shield saying the cockerel across my upper teeth, as it were. Yes. Across your grill. Across my grill. Right across the grill. I would like to point out this was Frank's idea, personally. I'll tell you who.

I didn't know they did personalised golf shields. And then we had... Oh, God, I'm not going to remember her name now. The woman who got two consecutive gold medals. Nicola? Nicola... Adams? I'll settle for that.

Is that right? So we looked at some pictures of Nicola Adams and she has things on her... A message on there? Yeah. Right, excellent. If only it had been her name. I think it was you bumping your face on the microphone,

wasn't it? It was. Oh, it's all going a bit Boris Johnson. So, um... I've got some other nice gifts. Oh, yeah? I received from my manager and the Broad Umbrella Management. I'm not sure if this is a hint, but I received driving gloves. That's lovely.

Like really nice leather driving gloves. Tan leather? Yeah. I don't know if it's saying... Have they got that sort of white string sections that you used to have? No, they haven't. They haven't got a string back. You see, I'll probably get the email saying we're giving the money to charity this year

and then find out everyone else got presents, which is what happened at Christmas. Maybe I've got that email at Christmas. There was a whole investigation into it. I hope not. David and I have discussed it. I hope I'm not being indiscreet, but I did get... I bought a donkey for the Gurkhas. Oh, good for you.

Yeah. Apparently, I got a message from them, they said it fell off the bone. Anyway. I don't know if the driving gloves thing is a little hint for them to say, go on tour. Yeah.

Or just go. Yeah, maybe. Just go. But, very nice. But I've got a problem with them in that I keep... I've only worn them in the car, I think twice or maybe three times, and then I keep getting out of the car and going home with them on.

Oh, I see. And so I've inadvertently turned them into walking gloves. Can I tell you, I think you'll find there's a small sort of compartment. I do need somewhere to keep them in the car, like a container. Probably there's a box of some kind. Yeah, I can't remember what it's called now,

but I've found that's a handy place to put any sort of hand covering. But do they become walking gloves if I walk out of the car in them? Yeah. Because walking gloves aren't nothing. As Yellow Pages used to say. Lovely campaign.

Was it Yellow Pages or was it that barmaid from Wigan? Can't remember. Heaven's sake. But they're very nice. They're lovely. Can't remember. Heaven's sake. But they're very nice. They're lovely. You have to get a disclaimer now you've been a bit sniffy about it. I haven't. I love them.

Are they left and right or just... Yeah. With hands, you see, I can see it. It's fine. It makes sense, doesn't it? Oh, no, then again, do you really need it? Would it really matter? Then again, no.

Yeah, I don't know if... Yes, it would really matter because my thumb is at the top of one hand, but... You've got a prominent thumb. Well, it's... Yeah. Yeah. I don't answer that in a critical way.

No. Lovely. What you should have is hitchhiking gloves but just have the thumb exposed. Oh, yeah. I don't know if they exist. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, I love a re in an email when we're talking about stuff.

So they already had me at re this email. Re Frank's shoe idea. Hi, Frank the Cockerel and Emily. Slippers aren't foot specific. Maybe Frank would like a kind of outdoor smarter slipper from Joe. Can I tell you something Joe? Sure Please do. I've got a pair

of black slippers which were given to me by well I did a show do you remember when I got bitten by a spider on my foot and it swole up? Yes I do So I had to do the show in slippers. I've still got those slippers.

And it was looking at those slippers the other day that made me think, why do they have a left and right? So they definitely do have a left and right in slippers. Oh, those ones do? Those ones definitely do. Maybe your big, you know, your ones that look like Zebedee. Right. Or sometimes your spa slippers.

Yeah, you couldn't wear those. They're not, they don't have an LR aspect to them. No, I've seen, I've seen espadrilles that don't have an LR. Mmm. Yeah. I also have another, um... I love it when we're just people in the park. I have another appearance question.

I was, uh, I was having a conversation with my wife the other day, and... Well, how many of us can say that? We've been together for... Hey, guys! Hey, 12.15, guys! We've been together for a long time, my wife and I, since 2001. That's a chunk of time, isn't it? Congratulations. So we're chatting away and then I suddenly hear a tone

of voice that I have not heard before. In her voice. I mean, I've heard... Coming from the wardrobe? No, no, she was... You know, like, you know when you're at a dinner party or something and you're in a long-term relationship and someone brings up a thing and you go, I haven't heard this story before. Ten years in and you're doing

new stories. Yeah. Yeah. Fifteen, sixteen years in, she's doing new tones of voice and she said, this is what she said, she went, um, your, uh, your face, I think, actually, I think, I think you might suit a moustache. That's what she said to me.

Wow. How long's that been bubbling under? I don't know. But she thinks that I should... And now I feel obliged to grow a moustache just to try it out for her. Isn't that a strange thing? I must say, when you said it... It's easier to sound sort of Magnum P.I. character.

Well, I did ask if that's what she was after. I'm thinking Super Mario. With a donguerie and a red shirt. Oh, I love a donguerie, especially on a children's TV presenter. And a red Baker Boy hat that makes me burst out laughing. I think I said, is it Tom Selleck that you're hoping I'll look like? And she said, no, Burt Reynolds. But I don't think either is what's going to happen.

I'd like to. I must admit, I don't have high hopes for it. No she said, no, Burt Reynolds. But I don't think either is what's going to happen. I'd like to see it. I mean, I must admit, I don't have high hopes for it. No. As a facial adornment for you. I don't know how much there'd be. No, I don't think there'll be much at all. It'll be wispy. It'll be wispy.

It'll look like Kim Jong-un has tried to grow a moustache or something like that. Yeah, Kim Jong-un presumably would. Not very many now. He'd go with... You know the classic Fu Manchu moustache, which is a really long thin one that hangs... I could do one of those.

I haven't seen a... I've never seen one in the flesh, apart from obviously stock on at Fu Manchu parties. No, I've not seen a flesh one. I wish there was a thing called Flu Manchu that you could catch and that was one of the symptoms. Oh man,

people would be queuing up, wouldn't they? You know those pox parties that kids have? Oh yeah. If there was a flu man chew, I'd be there in a flared sleeve in anticipation. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We heard from Ian Angel slash Angle, our regular correspondent.

Our Pondmeister General. Who said that he very much enjoyed Emily's article and that he will... Well, I read the first paragraph and already found something I really liked. Oh, guys, come on. That's one paragraph. Stop. No, don't stop. Carry on.

Well, I always stop. Long article. Oh, Frank, please read it. You don't have to. You don't have to. I don't have to read it in one go. No, you can make it last. I'm going to go 11 loo visits, I'm going to say.

He's also sent a text message. Is that the currency of Albania? 11 Lou visits. Yeah. Very good. That's how much it is to get in a cinema. He sent one of his little puns about, Alan, did you sense a bristle in your wife's voice

re the moustache conversation? And I did. And actually, this is one of the things that slightly annoys me, because when I shaved my beard just before Christmas, it was partly because I'd been performing my stand-up comedy and I had felt the moustache part of my beard slightly tickling my nostrils. Oh, I thought you were going to say the microphone. No. Oh, it happens, darling.

Doesn't it? Believe me. You should try threading. Have you ever done that with the old cat's cradle? No, I think that would hurt. Oh, I do threading. It's painful, doesn't it? Well, it is. Of course it is.

Yeah, it is. Knees must. Yeah, but shaving's not, or growing a beard isn't. Also, it wouldn't save me that much time, would it? It is when you're on the other end of it. Yeah. Aye. I said aye.

Anyway. I don't know why I said it but I wish I hadn't said it when I went on my romantic weekend I didn't mention the fact that we were on the 17th floor yeah and I was so looking forward to just me and Kath being away on our own

and she said she had a key to the stairs so she could walk up 17 flights whatever it is to the top so she could walk up 17 flights, whatever it is, to the top, or maybe it'd be 16 flights. What, for exercise purposes? No, just because she's scared of lifts. Oh.

And that's why we've never done Strictly Come Dancing. That's the only reason, of course. And then it turned out that it was the wrong key. Oh, no. So we were in a romantic holiday situation where I'm on the 17th floor and she's saying I can't actually come in because I can't go in the lift

and I thought this was going to be difficult I ended up having to go every time she went in or out I had to go down about 10 floors and open the the fire door to let her in. I mean,

I mean, it felt on towards, it was a bit sneaky opening the fire door, letting someone in like children at the cinema, you know. Or maybe that judge who overturned Donald Trump's immigration ban, I felt like that. I was letting him in through the back door.

Can we mention him? Has he been killed yet? The judge or Donald? Have they found him yet? No, the Donald's all right. He's all right, you think? He's getting more orange by the day. That's the trouble, isn't it?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. What else on your birthday? Was it fun all the way? It was fun No, no, I thought I'd say fun all the way to the cockerel He's not a fun all the way kind of a guy Well, I'm glad you said that Because my wife made an apology

She said She said, I'm really sorry Your birthday hasn't had any What was it? Any experiences She said, I'm really sorry, your birthday hasn't had any, what was it? Impact. Any experiences. She said, I haven't got any unusual experiences. And I was like, no, no, no, birthdays.

I bet your heart started thumping then. Where's this going? It's my lucky day. It was a nice birthday. And I said, you know, I don't really want experience. Oh, come on. I want traditional birthday stuff. I want, you know, gifts and nice food and cake. That's what you need on a birthday. I don't need to go and, you know, swim with dolphins. I'm happy. That's what I said. I'm happy.

Well, that's more you. But I don't like the phrase, I don't want experience. I need new ones, do I? Do I? What, do you think you've had all your experiences now? No, but I just don't need new ones. It was already a busy day. We had lunch. I did some grappling. Did you do grappling on your birthday?

Yeah, I went out for hot chocolate and cake. Oh, he had a birthday grapple. Who was the grappler? Just a friend of yours? Just whoever was there on the mats. Hot chocolate and a fight. Got to live life on all levels, haven't you? I've been an 18th century London ruffian.

Thank you so much for listening this morning. It's been lovely, I think. I like working with the snow outside. It makes me feel like some sort of poor backdrop on a weather report. Anyway, have a beautiful week and bring on the feathers. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens

Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.