The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Under Pressure

Episode Date: October 5, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team are joined by Gareth Richards. Frank has been to Scarborough and has a new earworm. The gang discuss getting the giggles, spiders and casting the new Oliver Twist film.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and guess what, Gareth Richards is with us this morning. Good morning. Good morning. It could have been any jingle. I just went for one. Anyway, so text, you can text all three of us on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

It's all there. Frank, morning, Gareth. Good morning. Morning, Frank. Morning, Emily. I love that formality. OK. We've just had a missive in.

Do you remember last week we were talking about Drake's tattoos? Oh, yes. Drake, the popular rap person, has got a series of celebrity tattoos. The Beatles, Diana Ross, was it? Oh, I mean, some of them are rather strange choices. He's got Sade. Oh yeah, Sade. Sade? Yes.

Sade's on... I've got an idea Sade might still be massive in America. You know these sort of parallel universes where people are still... Yes. Yeah. I'm still on telly in Japan. You know these sort of parallel universes where people are still... I'm still on telly in Japan. Really? He's got all sorts going on

on that body. So we were suggesting, or Frank was coming up with alternative tattoo suggestions. And one of the people you mentioned Frank, you may recall, was Paul Coyer. Yeah, I thought that would be... Paul C you may recall, was Paul Coyer. Yeah, I thought that would be...

Paul Coyer? Yeah, Paul Coyer. Are you familiar with his work? No. He was a Scottish TV presenter. He was Scottish and on TV, not necessarily. And he was a sort of a good-looking young lad, always on a lot of nice knitwear. Okay.

He's not worn a lot of nice knitwear. Okay. And he just seemed someone you'd be surprised to find on Drake's tattoo menu. Yes, and I like he has responded, Paul Coyer. That's fantastic. He's been alerted to this. Not so Coyer, after all. He could be a bit Coyote.

Someone called Adam on Twitter, Adam Lethbridge, alerted him to this, and Paul Coyle responded, I didn't know that, what an honour. Is Frank taking the... Jingle, please, Frank. Is Frank taking the... Hold on. Is Frank taking the... And then you know what I like about Coyle? He ends with good on him, smiley face.

No, I like that kind of man. Yeah, he... Yeah, I wasn't really, was I? I was sort of... I suppose I was picking him as a name that you don't hear so much now and be unlikely to find on. I would be surprised if Drake... So say all of us.

...had the full awareness. But I'm very happy to hear from Paul Coy. He was, what's the word when people's on telly too much, the word they always bring up? Ubiquitous? Ubiquitous, of course. Thank God you're here.

Cochran had never got that in an hour. An hour? An hour it would have taken him. 60 minutes. That's a lot of dead air, isn't it? It is. But, you know, we're not frightened of dead air on this show. Don't worry about that.

It was National Poetry Week this week. Oh. Well, no, the day was on Thursday, National Poetry Day. You know, I don't think I heard a single poem. Oh, well, you should have called me. So, well, I did because my son,

I've got a seven-year-old, if you're new to the show, and I know it's tedious when people talk about their kids, but there is a point to this. And he had to learn for National Poetry Day, The Owl and the Pussycat.

Oh! It's a classic. I learned it with him because I didn't know off by heart. It's really good to get poems off by heart. But there was... The second verse begins, Pussy said to the owl, you elegant fowl. And he, you know he's a big Queen fan.

Yes. And he started over and over again going, Pussy said to the owl, pussy said to the owl. Pussy said to the owl, pussy said to the owl. And I've been unable to get it out of my head all week. And of course, heard out of context people can be slightly alarmed

by the move but it just was so it's so perfect pussy said to the owl pussy said to the owl I thought maybe we could we could try under pressure

with that as a backing thing what do you think do you know the words to under pressure? Yeah. Okay. Well, you delete vocal

and maybe me and Emily can do Pussy Said to the Owl. Okay. Well, hang on. What? Yeah, all right. Go on. One, two, three, four.

Pussy said to the owl. Pussy said to the owl. Under pressure. Pussy said to the owl. Pushing down on me. Pushing down on you. Pussy said to the owl. No matter what. Pussy said to the owl. I'm under pressure. I don't like when... I thought you said, I'm depressed, sir.

When Gareth says under pressure, he really sounds like he's under pressure. It's like a method singing. I was under a lot of pressure. You were. It's the most under pressure anyone has ever sang under pressure. Thanks, Kenneth. On Absolute Radio.

Now, recently on the show, we've been talking about mistakes that turn out to be better than the originals. Yes. And there's been a few examples when I'm... something that I thought was in Rhinestone Cowboy isn't, but what I thought was definitely better. Right. Yeah.

And some of our readers have sent ones in. This week, while we were, me and my son were learning the owl and the pussycat. There's a bit, they dined on mints. They did. And slices of quince, yeah. And he said they dined on mice and slices of, now, it suddenly struck me that if you were preparing the, if you were doing the wedding catering for the unlikely combination

of an owl and a pussycat, there's only really one main course that they're both very much associated with, and it's mice. Yeah. You'd go mice, wouldn't you? Yes. That would be... You'd always go mice. I mean, an owl and a pussycat, got to go mice.

Don't rhyme with quince, though, does it? They could have had slices of rice. No, they didn't have sushi back then. They dined on mice and a side order of rice. Yeah, exactly. That would have been fine. That would have suggested that they'd travelled

in the boat and been to places where they eat rice. It's actually a wonderful poem. Most middle class thing I've ever said. You know what? It's a lot better than I always thought it was just a silly kid's poem. It's actually brilliant. Yeah, I've grown to love it.

By the way, the mince that they dined on, are we thinking mince as in what goes into a shepherd's pie or mince as in what goes into a shepherd's pie or mince as in what goes into a mince pie i'm i'm thinking very much the sort of disgusting victorian food right you know what i mean because they were big fans of stuff like the pigeon mince so you think it'd be meat oh absolutely what do you think it's extra strong mint no but mince pie What do you think? It's extra strong mince. No, but mince pie. Oh, I see. Mincemeat is what that's called, isn't it? It would be called mincemeat.

I think it would be mincemeat because that's... You'll be mincemeat in a minute. Okay, so look, also... Yes? I went to the opening night of Orpheus and Eurydice. And blow me down if I didn't meet Jeremy Vine Jeremy Vine

who spent I would say well let's not exaggerate he put four minutes telling me how brilliant Emily was oh yeah how brilliant and at one point he actually used the phrase,

because I wrote this down on my phone. In anchor. So I didn't forget it. Of this show, you're good on it as well. I have never! Viney. Can I just say, can I use that for my bi-org? What, you can't use that, can you? I can. I can say, Jeremy use that for my biog what you can't use that

I can I can say Jeremy Vine old Frank Skinner you're good on it as well yeah I didn't I didn't write down all his praise

of you I didn't make a note of that because it was too much I didn't want to overload I've only got so many bites

oh man did he take other opinions on a phone in while you were there yeah exactly he did I need to opinions on a phone in while you were there I need to work on my fine impression yeah it's a tricky one the fine impression

I think it would be quite easy I'm happy to hear your work in progress oh no don't throw me the hospitality I had to sing under pressure under a lot of pressure I know but there's a lot of pressure. You did.

I know, but there's a lot of, I've already got quite a lot in the bank now, it seems, with Vine. Right, yeah, you don't want to ruin it. I don't want to suddenly go into an overdraft within minutes. What do you think about this? Okay. Cherie Blair was also at this do.

My Cherie Amour. And this guy came over to her. I just said hello to Cherie Blair, and um this guy came over to her i was i just said hello to sherry blair and then this guy came over and said oh sherry sherry i have he said this um there's something i have please let me introduce myself is what he said please let me introduce yourself your son and i said you're her. And you have to introduce yourself. And they didn't quite get it. And he went on and he said,

I'm working with your son. I said, no, no, no. But what you said was, and it was really, they were looking at me like I was some madman.

I was saying, but you said, I really want to introduce myself, your son. And they were saying, hmm. Anyway, and it was,

and oh dear. And I just wanted them to get it. And they didn saying, hmm. Anyway, and it was, oh, dear. And I just wanted them to get it. Sometimes people don't like the comedy in real life. No, they don't like, they don't know it. This is good, they can feel better about it. But this guy was Jonathan Miller's son. You'd think he'd have got a bit of comedy. But, you know, they see, they see.

I think he, you once said something about Jonathan Miller wearing jeans and how you didn't like it. Yeah, that's a good thing. So maybe he's heard that. You see, the gittishness will come back. And he had Jonathan Miller's jeans. Well, it reminds me. That is very good. Excellent work.

Very good. But it did remind me, you know, I tried living by the samurai code for a few months. Buckle up, everyone. And one of the things... Hold on a minute. You lived by the samurai code for a couple of months? Yeah. Yeah, you did.

You know that pub in Acton. No, I did. I lived alone and I tried to live... It's not about swords and stuff. It's a philosophical... Do you know what that is, Gav? No. It's called Way of the Samurai.

Right. Anyway, one of the things it says is that when a sparrow... Now you're on the way of the Nazarene. Yeah. I was still doing that. But the... It says the sparrow hawk. When he goes into a bunch of sparrows.

I don't know the collective noun for sparrows. Well, it would be a flock. Collective noun for sparrows I don't know the collective noun for sparrows anyone well it would be a flop collective noun for sparrows like 12, 15 when he goes into it he sees he decides which sparrow

he's going for and even if another sparrow flies right to him and it's easy to get he ignores that and he sticks on the one that he's always going for

from the beginning right and it's a sort of you know it's how to achieve things in life. And that's what this guy was doing with Cherie Blair. I think she was the sparrow and I flew in the way and he just brushed me to one side.

So there was lessons to be learned from all of it. Good night. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Where was I? Where were we? We've had a message from Tony in Hampshire, Frank. Oh, and he's saying, stop talking about my wife. Good morning, Frank. My son was, oh yeah, maybe.

My son was a guest at the Coliseum Theatre on Tuesday night and he went out of his way to call you out as one of the celebrities that he's... I think call you out might be the wrong choice of words. No, we didn't fight. No, you weren't challenged in any way, were you? It means I was identified. Yeah.

To call you out as one of the celebrities that he saw while he was there. He also mentioned Cherie Blair and Holly Willoughby. But no mention of Jeremy Vine. Oh, Viney. Shelby. Oh. Can I just do point of order?

You know he listens, Jeremy Vine. You've broken his heart. Hi, Viney. Sorry, Jeremy. Can I just say, point of order, Cherie, boys. There's a lot of Cherie going along here. Yeah, well, that's how I always started my mornings, of course, for many years.

Cherie, Blair. This is what makes it worth coming to work. Yeah, well, that's why Cherie. He's not on the stop. Can I finish this text? You're all right. We should just establish occasionally, Gareth. That's not the word for it, Frank.

He loses it, doesn't he? Would you say he does it every show? No, not every show. Once every how often he used to do it. But I'm not... Do you remember there was a classic time when he lost it? Can you imagine the cockerel losing it like this? I know, but don't compare the partners.

No, no, but that, I mean, I don't know if that's a plus or a minus. Because, I mean, he's like the Sphinx, Alan. Anyway, carry on, please. But as we went into this link, Frank said, so any text from the outside world? And I panicked under pressure again. So I thought, oh, this. Pussy said to the L.

Pussy said to the L. Pussy said to the owl. Pussy said to the owl. Pussy said to the owl. No, that's the other one. Yeah, no, it's the same. I know. It's a sample. I've sampled the

pussy said to the owl beat. I know. Yeah. For that... Brilliant. And also, it's a bit more like

the wedding meal. Something grabs hold of me tightly. Someone's calling for ice at the meal because the quince's a bit more like the wedding meal. Something grabs hold of me tightly. Someone's calling for ice at the meal, because the quince is a bit... I wouldn't say it was off, but it's on the turn. Oh, yeah. OK, carry on. What about when I had dinner with Edward Lear?

Anyway, read your thing. I didn't really. He died in 1888, but I... You could go and take your children to... It was afternoon tea with cucumber sandwiches. They might still do it Frank it's lovely an old actor

dressed up as Edward Lear and my parents stopped us off with him lovely, you wouldn't do it now why I saw a little excerpt from a one man show when you go to Edinburgh people do excerpts from their shows and things

so that you'll go and see the whole show. Oh, yes. And he was playing Hans Christian Andersen. Lovely. And he said, now I shall be playing the part of Hans Christian Andersen. He said, I'm playing Hans Christian Andersen because people often tell me that I look like him.

And I imagine, does this bloke get on the bus and people at the back are going, that's not Hans Christian Andersen. I mean, who knows what Hans Christian Andersen looks like? Such lies. Lies! Absolutely lies. This is where Frank's mind goes.

Lies. Actual lies, Gareth. Yeah. You call them out. Algies. Actual lies, Gareth. Yeah. You called him out. Algernon, you've got to apply. You've got to apply as Christian Anderson, man. You are bored.

Do really things. Oh, but you look just like him. Nobody ever said that to him. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Gareth, I interrupted you, Gareth. I've got to finish this text. Go on. We're halfway through a text.

Sorry. So this is a person saying that their son was at the Coliseum Theatre seeing that play you said about. It wasn't a play, it was an opera. Orpheus and Eurydice. Huh? Hi, Eurydice. It's a bit of a horrible insult

Do you know the story of Orpheus and Eurydice? Oh yes Of course, but I'll let you tell it Just briefly He was an underworld type Just briefly, she died The girlfriend dies And he gets told that he can go down and get her

From the netherworld. Right. But when he brings her back, he mustn't look in her eyes. That's the story. Whatever happens, don't look. And, of course, he's madly in love with her, and he goes and he finds her. Yeah. And she has to walk behind him, but he's not allowed to tell her why.

2019. Yeah. And she gets really upset. He's not allowed to tell him why. He's not allowed to tell her why. 2019. Yeah. And she gets really upset. He's not allowed to tell him why. He's not allowed to tell her why. No. There's a lot of rules. Yeah, so...

Are you controlling all this, mate? He's bringing someone there from the dead. Hello, there's still mate. Come on. But anyway, the point is that he, because he's so in love with her, in the end she's saying, well, I don't understand why you're not looking at me.

You know what they're like. Yeah. Sorry. And in the end she's saying well i don't understand why you're not looking at me you know what they're like yeah um sorry and and in the faces 1972 in the end he turns around and looks at her so of course she dies and has to go back to the netherworld and it really reminded me do you remember that there was a shame there was a famous experiment um where they sit a kid in a room with a biscuit and they say, I'm going away now for five minutes. If you don't eat that biscuit, when we come back you can have two biscuits. And a lot of kids, the kids who eat that one biscuit can't wait five minutes. Like Orpheus just couldn't wait until he got to the end of the tunnel. The idiot.

Just couldn't wait until he got to the end of the tunnel, the idiot. But apparently they found out the kids who can wait for the two biscuits tend to do really well in life. Because of the old deferred gratification, they're happy to study for three years knowing there'll be a degree at the end of it. So there you go. I would say, if I may, that is possibly one of your superpowers, is the delayed gratification.

Yeah. Okay. Okay, well, thanks very much for that. I'm just saying. And that's why the punchline to this story will be in two hours' time. Sorry, Gary. Keep going. Speaking of delayed gratification.

Deferred. Deferred. Deferred gratification. Deferred. Deferred. Deferred gratification. Not delayed, I do apologise. So, already this opening night was full of celebrities, but there's Tony in Hampshire, the suspiciously named Tony in Hampshire. Can I just say there wasn't some...

Ben Kingsley was there, par example. Oh, really? Yeah. He's a lovely little actor i'm sorry guys but this tony hampshire has a boast to be all of that okay come on not for coya he says my son was there yeah yeah but you're giving him tone aren't you my son well he says it's the second time he says my son was a guest at the coliseum theater on Tuesday night as well. And then he says, my son was there as a guest of the theatre as he is the designer

Luke Edward Hall. And he was responsible for designing the artwork for the safety curtain at the Coliseum. Great show, Tony in Hampshire. See, you're not impressed by that. I am. I am. I am quite impressed. It's a safety curtain.

I'd love a safety curtain. I wish you'd come up. I love a safety curtain. I wish you'd come up and said hello now. You don't meet many safety curtain artists. You do not. In a modern theatre, you don't often get the safety. It's all trendy. You just get all sort of smoke, fade to black.

I like an old red safety curtain. Yeah, and that mixture of art, which is all about expression and freedom, you know, combined with security. It is a fabulous juxtaposition. Well, the next time, was it Toby? Tony. Tony. From Hampshire.

No, his son. And his son is Luke Edward Hall. Can I just say something? I like... Well, I hope the next time I'm there, which is quite soon, that he'll come over and say hello and we can talk fire. Freedom of creative self-expression combined with security. I like that because that could be Charles Bronson's Twitter bio,

I like to think. He likes to express himself. You mean Charles Bronson the prisoner? Yes, of course the prisoner. Well, he could have been the actor. Has he been superseded now by someone who named himself after him? Yes. It's the same as Jane Seymour.

It's so wrong. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So, I did a gig at Scarborough this week. And then the next day, I went to Whitby Abbey which is, do you know Whitby Abbey? I'm not that familiar with that Abbey. Is it where the Synod of Whitby happened?

Exactly. It's exactly where it happened. I love it when you need to stop talking Abbeys. Well, I mean, it was the Synod of Whitby that drew me in, I've got to say. But anyway... Can I just say something? I apologise for my ignorance. I don't know was a synod of Whitby that drew me in, I've got to say. But anyway... Can I just say something? I apologise for my ignorance.

I don't know what a synod is. A synod is a gathering of religious leaders, usually to decide some sort of... Nothing to do with Lynyrd Skynyrd, I know that. No, there was two enormous debates, was whether how monks should have their hair and what was the date of Easter. Those were the two biggies. Can I just say how monks should have their hair? I was the date of Easter. Those were the two biggies.

Can I just say how monks should have their hair? I'd have a lot to say on. I'm sure it's a bit you weren't at the Synod. I mean, that's my kind of Synod. Back to you, Frank, in the studio. Okay. Thanks a lot, Emily. So I'm here at Whitby

and it's a little bit windy, obviously. We'll soldier on. No, so, yeah, yes, Whitby Abbey. The Synod. Yeah, it's also where Dracula first lands in England in the book. Oh, right. So he lands, there's like a shipwreck thing and he's in, he's

come over in a coffin full of soil kind of thing. You know Dracula, what he's like. Why didn't he fly? Taking our coffins. He should have flown on her. But it was... Because he's my Dracula. Oh yeah, he can fly as well. I didn't, I never

knew that. In the book he turns, he can turn into different creatures. Shut up. So a bat is one of them, I think. I thought he just had the fangs. I thought that was his thing. He bit you. But when he lands at Whitby, he jumps ashore as a big black dog. That's his current term.

I think he might be witness protection. That's his current term. I think he might be witness protection. Anyway, I met a bunch of guys at Whitby Abbey who'd all been to my gig the night before. A bunch of guys? Five guys. A gang. Five guys, none of them were named Mo.

Yeah. And they'd been to the gig the night before. So they come and said, oh, we enjoyed your gig last night. I said, oh, thanks very much. And they said, we were talking about what was our favourite joke from the gig. So they then each told me their favourite joke. So, wait, five guys are at Whitby Abbey. Yeah.

And did you plan to meet them there? No. They just happened to be there. Oh, your audience have changed. I know, exactly. Exactly. But then one of them said, I'll be honest with you, one of the jokes you did last night,

he said, I haven't even told these guys that. I didn't get it. Oh. And he said, could you explain it to me? So I explained this joke to him sitting in the cafe at Whitby Abbey. Had he gone to the church for a solution to that question? Was he going to

pray about it? And then he said he said, oh, I get it. And I mentally added that laugh to the laugh I'd got the night before. But it's a very weird thing. It was like some debriefing I'd arranged with the guys.

But it could have been a lot worse. Of course, they could have hated it. I like that they're now referred to as the guys. They're his crew now. I was down the Abbey hanging with some guys. But there was another thing. Lillard Synod guys. There's another thing I'd like to discuss with you

that happened at the Abbey, but we'll do it after this. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. Let's face it, it does not smell like teen spirit. This is Frank Skinner on absolute radio with emily dean and gareth richards is with us this morning you can text the show on 8 12 15 follow the show on twitter and instagram at frank on the radio or email the show via the absolute radio website i think i was

at whitby abbey yes so i was taught there's a church at the abbey and a graveyard and stuff. I know, but I'm sorry to interrupt, Frank, but Rich and Jo have got in touch regarding, we're currently serving breakfast at our Whitby B&B, listening to your good selves, and we can see the Abbey from the dining room window.

Do you need real-time footage? I'd love to see real-time footage. Okay. How nice to be able to see real-time footage. Okay. How nice to be able to see the Abbey from you. Anyway, so I was talking to the woman who worked at the church there doing on the shop and stuff and she said, you know,

we get a lot of goths. Get a lot of goths. Oh, really? Exactly. You wouldn't be saying exactly. They all go up for the... There's a big goth festival. In fact, she was telling me they had a goth festival

that included cyberpunk, and now there's so many people they've had to split the two into two separate festivals. Right. Oh, that's the Synod of Whitby all over again. Exactly. Shattering into fractions. Oh, no, that was more of a unifying thing.

Fractions. Oh, was it? Yeah, that's the moment when the Catholic Church got a good, solid grip on the British Isles. Anyway. As far as you're concerned. Exactly. And she said, yeah, we get a lot of people coming here

and asking me where Dracula is buried. Oh, because of the Dracula connection. Yeah. I just thought because it was a Gothic cathedral. I thought he just had a lot of family in the area. Because he landed at Whitby in the book. And you said he travelled in a coffin full of earth. Yes.

Shall I fly or shall I take the coffin full of earth? Anyway, so she said, Oh, she said, I'm fed up with the people asking us about... She said, so we've had to put a sign upon the door saying that Dracula is fictional. I love... That's breaking people's hearts, isn't it? Just get... They're not even being told.

Just read this sign. Oh! And she said, we had one guy who just would not have it. She said, I had an argument with my husband and he said, oh, well, if you might as well... He was a Gary Oldman. And he said, you might as well, if you're going to say

Dracula doesn't exist, you might as well say Captain Cook didn't exist. She said, at that point, my husband was so angry he had to walk away. I like the idea of like Baker Street has a massive sign at 221 Beesing

this character is fictional. Yeah, well I'm glad Whitby isn't in charge of Christmas. I said that to a driver though once. He was talking about Baker Street, and he said something about Sherlock Holmes.

Yeah. And he said something like, it's changed a bit since Sherlock Holmes was around here. And I thought, and I said, yeah, blah, blah. And he said something else, and I thought, hold on. I said, you know Sherlock Holmes is not what's real? He said, what? I said, yeah, it's just in a book. He said, what? I said, yeah, he's just in a book.

He said, no, I've dropped people at his house. I said, yeah. He still lives there. Yeah, but it was... If a goth came looking, I don't know if I could tell a goth face to face that there is no drop. Well, that's their Santa Claus, absolutely.

There was Vlad the Impaler, of Well, that's their Santa Claus, absolutely. It's cruel. There was Vlad the Impaler, of course, who he was based on, but you can't... Based on doesn't count. And then there was Vlad the Impaler, who I think David Attenborough did a documentary about, but he was very different, you know.

So, yeah, there's no equivocation at Whitby. I'm afraid fictional character, that's where they've left it. If anyone's got any further information on his existence... I might go and visit Whitby. I like the sound of it. Yeah, well, we went on to Durham Cathedral, which is gobsmacking. To be at the tomb of the venerable bead. I actually had a bead of tear in my eye.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Gareth's here this morning. Gareth, what's happening? Oh, well, we have been looking round schools for our oldest child, Ethan. happening? Oh, well, we have been looking around schools. Okay. For our oldest child, Ethan. Yeah. I say his name because I've said it loads of times. Yeah. It's too late

now. Yeah, he's going to secondary school, can you believe it? The big schools. Big school. Oh, is that what it's called? Lovely. Yeah, so we have to look. Are they 11 when they go to big school? Yeah. Okay. 11, we have to look around the schools 11 when they go to big school? Yeah. Okay. 11, we have to look around the schools,

decide which one we want him to go to. And it's quite bizarre going around schools. Like, because I mean, I remember school from when I went. Well, you would. I think for most of us, that's our main connection. But now you see, I'm looking around a school for my son to go to. Yeah. It's a real wake-up call about what level of life you're at.

And teachers are ever so young now, you know. Oh, God, what's going on? I know. There was a young girl in there in the drama studio. Why aren't you in uniform? Yeah. Yeah, but you always say that. I've told you before not to say that to me. It's like me and those policemen.

Yeah, can't I? She was... But what's your criterion? Yeah. Well, when I was at school, teachers were ever so old. Much older than me. Can I just say you say that? Frank Skinner can top us all, though, because he knows someone.

He's the most senior member of staff. No. What? Your family school anecdote, please, Frank Skinner. Family school anecdote. Related, I believe it was your grandmother. Oh, yeah. My grandmother said when she was at

school that one morning they were all called into the hall so they all sat down and the headmistress got on stage and said I'm sorry it's terrible news children, Queen Victoria has died. Now that does date

it a bit. Back to Gareth in the studio. I think we had Argy's missing when I was in school. I know, that was on this show. Yeah, carry on. Yeah, so teachers are very young now. Yes. It's really changed.

And Laura embarrassed me in front of the music teacher. God. She didn't get you to sing on depression. Well, he was talking about we put on shows here. It's ever so good. All the kids get involved. And then Laura says, oh, my husband's a comedian. He does shows all the time.

Oh, well, like the proud mother. Yeah. Oh, no. Like, exactly like my mother would. Like she was looking for a score. You're sure she's not secretly looking for a score for you? Yeah, it didn't take the first time. The old education.

So, are you now lined up to be their artistic director? Oh, you're like Mr. G. I suppose what was encouraging was afterwards, I was like, why did she do that? That's exactly what my mum was doing.

She said, yeah, I know, I don't know why I did that. Oh, wow. She was just clutching for something to say. Anyway, and we had to go into the big hall for the big talk

from the headmaster, which was he was in a sort of like quite tense situation all of a sudden you know being in the school assembly again and while we were waiting for it to start

we looked at the GCSE grades from this school I mean Bournemouth there's a you haven't looked at that before no there's an 11 plus system so like all the clever kids go to grammar school and so this school was clearly

the leftover kids and their GCSE grades were not good like properly zeros for all the top things so I was thinking what's this going to and then I saw the head girl and head boy were doing speeches. So I was like, oh, what's this going to be like? What's the head...

And the head girl did her speech. I'm tense, I don't know about you. I felt absolutely sick. At one point she said, and I really want to do well in my exams because afterwards I would like to become a teacher. And I don't want to make fun of people for not expressing themselves eloquently or a bit.

No, I mean, I'm guessing this reminds me slightly, Gareth, of when, I believe it was Nancy DiRoglio was asked what she did and she said, I lawyer her. Yes. I think it's maybe in that ballpark. Yeah. But I kind of like that. It's sort of slightly poetic.

Sort of I'm Spartacus. Yes, exactly. Okay. Like, I Am Woman, I think, was that song once. Helen Reddy, was it? Still, I don't know if I'd want someone representing me who said I lawyer, but sorry, thanks for having me in the studio. I used to hang around with Tarsin quite a lot, so I'm used to it.

He just wanted me, Frank. Yeah, yeah. Me, Tarsin, you, Frank. I was happy with that. But just wanted me, Frank. Yeah, yeah. He told us a new Frank. I was happy with that. But, you know, a few people... The jury's out. Well, we're in this tense situation, but do we need to play a song?

We need to get the Fez out. I think I need to play a song and also give you a stern talk. Mainly about someone sitting at home in tears listening to this. And that laugh says why I have to give you a talk. So I was saying about, I was having the speech from the headmaster

and, well, the head girl of the school for Ethan. And can I say, by the way, public speaking is very difficult. We've all had slips of the tongue. I know, I've seen your act. We've all had slips of the tongue and said something not quite right. Well, I had one earlier on the show. What did you say? Oh, yeah, that's right.

Well, I don't want to repeat it. Oh, yeah. Oh, that is awful. Yeah. Alan said Descartes. He did, yeah. Yeah. I love Descartes.

What did I call the dog, Frank? Why Marana? I said, Why Marana? Yeah, Why Marana. I kind of like that. That did sound like the title of a poem. Yeah. Why, Mariner, does thy ship stand idle in the dark bay? Anyway.

Go home, Kodurich. But can I say, and it doesn't come from a very good place in our humanity, but people getting things wrong is funny. Especially when you're under pressure or in a serious situation when... Under pressure? No, no, no, no, no, no. When Don't, no, no, no, no, no. When... Don't, no, no, no, no, no.

Now, go on. When, you know, there's... You're under, you know... Come on, spit it out. So I lean over to Laura. This was the mistake I made. I lean over to Laura and I said, I believe if she studies really hard,

one day she could become a teacher. Right. As a little joke a teacher. Right. As a little joke between us. Right. That set me off giggling. Oh, no. We've all seen it. When you lose it.

Yeah. In a full assembly room, complete silence, and I haven't lost it like this for years. Oh, no. Where I had to do something to... I honestly couldn't just laugh. Last time was my family's funeral.

Laugh out loud. Laugh out loud. So what I did is I tried to hold it in by bending over and just... But I was physically shaking. That's down. I think that might be down. Yeah. Can we just say for readers who aren't outside the window

and can't see, Gareth was sort of assuming, I'd call it the Rodin thinker pose. Yeah, but slightly fetal. But everything, every orifice is closed tight to not let the sound out. Yeah.

Every muscle. Even then he's slightly empurpled. I mean, on the the day he must have been puce yeah yeah and so and ethan's looking at me going and i i'm like i want to say i'm so sorry this is happening i mean it's a school assembly hall tradition yeah the giggles you actually had the giggles the giggles there needs to be some public procedure for getting the giggles because it's nothing personal to anyone. It's an involuntary...

It can't be helped. It's a disease. OK. It's about time you established it as an issue and then you'd be all right. I need to... The giggles... We need more public awareness of the giggles.

As a giggle. As an issue that people, and Ethan thought I was crying. Okay. So Ethan got quite upset. Yeah. His eyes filled with tears. He doesn't think after his dad. Otherwise, Ethan thought I was crying, so then he got the giggles.

Can I just say, I've got a wonderful wonderful human being I've got a wonderful therapist in about ten years if you need the number okay freedom yeah

my ship has sailed too late for my therapy too late for you dear yeah why Marilyn oh it's brutal I mean Laura was livid

with me can you imagine I think that makes the giggles worse when you know the wronger the giggles that makes the giggles worse. When you know the wronger the giggles, the longer the giggles. That's my motto. That's a good...

I mean, that is a good for our campaign. Can I just say, Frank and I were afflicted... Because people are judged for giggling in the wrong situation, but the wronger the giggles, the longer the giggles. It's not a character thing.

It doesn't mean you don't know how wrong it is. It means you do know how wrong it is. Yes, yes. Sorry to speak over you, Emily. I know, you're very impassioned, I understand. It's very important. Actually, my ears are bleeding. Frank and I, we were afflicted by the giggles on a train.

Oh, yeah, that long ago. I mean, there's no way to dress this up. We were laughing at some other inhabitants of the carriage. Well, they looked very light. It hadn't occurred to me, but a woman got on, a very bossy old woman. How dare you? She told her husband where to sit, and there was a long-suffering son. Who would have been in his 40s maybe?

Yeah. And I just thought, you know, she's going on a bit. And then Emily was, I think you were in the seat in front of me. And I had to communicate by text. She texted me a picture of the cast of, remember that? Sorry, the sitcom with Ronnie Corbett. And it was so perfect. And I almost never get the giggles

ever but oh man it was a killer blow because they were there, the picture was there Frank started laughing so loudly that I had to say, Frank then did a thing and I'm just looking at this brilliant West Brom

picture I've been sent I didn't want them to think I was at this brilliant West Brom picture I've been sent. I know, yeah, I did it. Yeah, you have to try them. I didn't want them to think I was laughing at them, which one always worries about that when one is laughing? When one has the giggles. Yeah, no, that was... But, I mean, Gareth just, he made it himself. You inflicted the giggles on me.

That was torturing a friend in a tight situation, which I do most Thursdays, if anyone's interested. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I like... Gareth, you've been talking about getting the giggles. Chloe Simmons has been in touch.

I got the giggles during our wedding vows. My husband wasn't best pleased. No. And on the wedding video, you can hear one of his relatives shout out, somebody slap her. I suffer from nervous giggles. That's Chloe from Tunbridge Wells.

Can I say, this is exactly the sort of situation we need to address. The wronger the giggles, the longer the giggles. Exactly. When I say that, let's have some sympathy and empathy for other human beings afflicted by the giggles. Well, I know about that. If you told him about any sort of someone had died

or something like that, he always started laughing. And the thing is, once he'd become aware of it, of course, it became an even bigger deal. Anyway, if there's any people listening who suffer with the giggles, I'm on tour at the moment. I'd love you to come to my house. And I will be chatting with David Baddiel next week, Frank. Will you?

Yes. Am I allowed to mention that, please? Oh, yes. It's at the Cheltenham Festival, Literary Festival. Oh, very nice. And Frank's mother-in-law is coming, I've heard. It's next Thursday.

Please come and see us. Okay. Thank you. What connection did that have to anything? I was talking about the gig. Well, I mentioned the two. Is it going to be funny? I hope so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see. Not as funny. Well, you know, gig. Giggles well you know gig giggles yes and you mentioned the gig you were doing yeah it's all it's all makes sense god garrett's coming now questioning the very fabric of this show what else you've been up to um i am i've got we've got a bit of an issue with spiders oh no i believe oct October is the month of spiders. Is it really?

I don't mind a spider. Can I confess something? Go on. I just kill them. Yeah. There was a time when I was really committed to catching them. There goes our Buddhist audience. And we've already lost the school children.

Yeah. And the teachers yeah uh there was a time when i would capture them and then run down the street with them so they couldn't find their way back okay um with the old glass and beer mat yeah yeah that affair but i'm sorry but they've overstepped the mark in the end end of our garden, we've got a gateway. Every time I go through that gateway, they have built a new web there to try and catch me. Do you do that thing?

You know when you walk around in the garden, you get that on your face. You can feel it on your neck and stuff. Do you know, I really feel, I can't bear it. I just feel very... It's a real invasion. And sometimes... Sometimes I leave them hanging.

What, on your face? No. But you know when you semi-break the web? And you think, yeah, you hang there for a bit, mate. Didn't Kim Kardashian semi-break the web? LAUGHTER Excellent. Let me write the word. Excellent.

We've had a text from 369. Morning all. My friend... 369, they go straight away and the monkey... You tobacco on the street... Ice baby. What's he said to the elf under pressure

carry on my friend whatsapped me last week to go round to her house to get rid of a spider I thought her friend was called whatsapp I did as well my friend comma whatsapp I thought it was Sherlock Holmes

and their friend whatsapp carry on I think there'll be a generation of children who are called things like WhatsApp. Do you think so? Little WhatsApp. Imagine calling your Twitter. Imagine calling the child Twitter.

Have I met your mother? I don't like that one much. No, I don't. Yeah, so someone got WhatsApp to go round to her house to get rid of a spider. She was in on her own. It was the tiniest spider under a Tupperware dish.

I put it in the garden. Kiss, Maxine. Hmm. Nice story. Didn't kill it. No. But the thing is, they're after me. And even though they're way out of my league,

they're way out of their league, they're overreaching because they're not going to catch me in the web. They only manage a couple of strands a day. But it's the thought. They could swing some eggs into your earwax and let them grow there. Oh, that's one of those urban myths. Oh, my gosh. Frank, Anne Ord from Brightlingsea has been in touch,

one of our Brightlingsea correspondents. Anne Ord? Yes. How do you spell that? O-R-D. Oh, OK. Yes. How do you spell that? O-R-D. Oh, okay. Okay? My daughter,

brackets 12, close brackets, walked through a spider web one morning on her way down the garden path to the car.

She had a huge spider caught in her hair and totally freaked out. Yeah. Now, every time we walk down the path we have to wield

a garden cane in front of us. A bit like Harry Potter with an oversized to wield a garden cane in front of us a bit like harry potter with an oversized wand god knows what the neighbors think i understand that i've been known to wield blunt instruments have you never done that i've got broom handles i've gone out in my in my concrete patch area where there is some foliage and I wheeled the broom around just to make sure I've destroyed any property.

I see it like a sort of wrecking ball. It's a demolition job. Well, you see, I was an international limbo dancer, so it's not really a problem for me. Do you mind a spider? Do you know what my stage name was when I was a limbo dancer?

Oh, here we go. Gary Barlow. Very good. I don't like, you know, with the spider, and it'd be very difficult to put a figure on this, but I see spider fine, spider fine, little bit bigger, fine, little bit bigger than that, fine, little bit bigger than that, no. Yeah.

But I don't know quite where it is. But there is a point where I just think, no, I don't like this one. This one's pushing it with its dimensions. Yeah, they're trying to, they're growing too big. Obviously, I wake up often encrusted in money spiders. I don't like... Absolutely obnoxious. Frank, I don't like it

when they look a bit there's been an accident at the nuclear reactor plant those are the spiders well of course I still dream of Spidey scents but it'll be that spider

that turns me into a superhero but I was in Africa once I like it when people call it Africa like it's a small town somewhere in the Cotswolds you know they're going was in Africa once. I like it when people call it Africa, like it's a small town somewhere in the Cotswolds. You know, they're going,

down in Africa. You think, what's the big area you're talking about? Anyway, and when I woke up in the morning, I walked to, we were in rudimentary disused army barracks in Burkina Faso. And when I woke up, there was a spider. I don't know how I'd describe the diet, but a saucer-sized spider,

if you were to stretch its legs out, stuck to one of my buttocks. And it must have been in bed, and I'd rolled over on the night, squashed it, and it was still stuck. And it must have been in bed and I'd rolled over on the night, squashed it and it was still stuck. And it was there. My buttock looked a bit like Janet Jackson's breast during the Super Bowl halftime show. The wardrobe malfunction.

I do not like this story. But it was a happy story. She's not like it. Really upsetting things. It's a happy story in that I dealt with the spider, but in my sleep. So I don't feel any guilt about its destruction. I don't like a squashed spider's leg. The knees look so tragic.

The spider's knees are just wrong. I mean, I say that. They're my inspiration. Oh, well, okay. But still. Yeah, so that's the way. I say that they're my inspiration oh well okay but still yeah so that's that's the why

you want quite a big hairy body and very spindly limbs yeah well that is a lot torso like a

grape torso like a grape oh Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards is here You can text the show on 81215 Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute website I was drowning in the middle of that Awful experience So I've heard talk boys which I'd like to discuss with you.

I said I've heard talk. I read it in an online story. There's a new film version of Oliver Twist in the works. Oh. Let's face it, there haven't been nearly enough adaptations of that over the years. That's very much his three lions, Frank, would you say? Also, there was a new... The Dickens.

Dickens. Well, there's a new David Copperfield out this week as well. Oh, yes, Armando Iannucci. Yeah, so they... Yeah. Funny one. Remember her? Yeah, Dickens, still big business.

I know, but not his best-selling novel, though. Oh, really? What was his best-selling novel? I believe it was Tale of Two Cities. I believe that's the best-selling novel of all time. Sorry about that, Frank. Yours did well, though. Really?

I didn't write a novel, so... No, best-selling book of all time, I believe. Might be novel rather than... What? Tale of Two Cities? I believe so. Because of the sheer... People didn't...

That was all they had then. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. No. Okay. Well, that's... I can't believe that's the best... Well, someone will know.

Someone will know. I may have got that wrong. 8, 12, 15. Apologies if I have. I stand corrected. Are we saying book or novel? I'm going to say novel. Okay.

I don't think it's book because that's got to be your lot, hasn't it? Well, I'm hoping it's my lot, but you never know. Sorry, guys, can we explain what I mean by your lot? The Bible. Oh, I see, yes. When I see the family Bible with the rose she saved inside, it was crushed between the pages like a final place to hide.

Okay. Do you know, when you did that impression, the producer, she looked over at you and there was a little smile, I'm going to say played on her lips. Actually played? A bit approvingly.

Oh, I'm seeing him in a new light. Oh, OK. That would be the moment in the rom-com when the heroine would revise her opinion of the difficult man.

Yeah, but the trouble is with this rom-com, because there's an age difference of about 40, it's more of a sort of, if Woody Allen wrote another rom-com. So let's not even think about it. So anyway, new Oliver Twist.

No, I have... Oh, twist. I saw the headline for this, and they've already, they're on the verge of casting the Dodger. Oh, casting the Dodger sounds like a euphemism but I mean who's in the

who are the runners and riders Frank? well number one would you believe it number one in the frame didn't see this coming who would you go for

let's before we go to they I've always fancied the artful Dodger yeah there's got to be a young boy

young man. Can I come up with a suggestion? I would say Arge. Daniel Radcliffe. From Only Wears Essex. Oh, yeah. He's got the cockney accent. Come on, see for yourself.

Look, you know... Joey Essex can be one of the other orphans. But can you imagine that, you know, someone's thinking we've got to go really different on this and the door opens, Joe Swash. We've gone straight in Route 1 Artful Dodger. Because he sort of is the Artful Dodger in many ways. But I was thinking, because I've always quite sort of fancied myself.

I thought I... Ryland. We all know that. I know that. Ryland is a sort of more spindly Artful Dodger. But he can't have teeth like that, the Artful Dodger. And he can't say, all right, babe, when he comes into the lair. I think he could say, all right, babe.

He's too tall, I think, as well, Ryland. I think Ryland has sort of been promoted. Now he's in charge of supermarket sweep. Oh, yes. I think he's more of a Fagin character. Oh, no. Can we just say Ryland isn't in the running for this? No.

OK. Apparently, the fave... Can you one? The fave is Rita Ora. What? Yeah, it was... It's interesting. Can we not have anything anymore?

The artful Dodger, a woman. She... Frank always calls her... Even our criminals are being taken now by the women. Yeah. They're taking our Dodgers. Women can be criminals too. They wouldn't do it with 10 willing to blight.

Look, there are some jobs you don't want. John Reginald Christie. Can I just say, women have the right... Elkie Brooks is John Reginald Christy. Sorry, you were saying? Women can be pickpockets too. I'm going on a march this next weekend.

I'll ride to pickpocket. This sounds like a line from John Cleese's Divorce Tour. Anyway, she's the fave. She's the fave. She's going to be terrible. So the lines are alight with talk of what the best-selling novel of all time is.

Oh, yes, I'm sorry if I made a mistake. Well, Judy from West Norfolk has ploughed in and said, Surely Tale of Two Cities hasn't outsold The Da Vinci Code or Harry Potter. I mean, just based on nothing. Well, it's had longer. I think it's had longer, but also I think people have fewer choice and distraction then, which is why it might be. I don't know. Did he have the

international distribution that they've got now? There were less books as well, so less choice. Oh, Dickens was very popular in America, though. I'll have you know. But I imagine Harry Potter and the Da Vinci Code is global, isn't it? Harry Potter and the Da Vinci Code, that would be a good... That would be a great...

I mean, imagine if he did that. Well, that's basically a licence to print money, right? right i mean you might as well i was told by people that know that um steven moffitt steven moffitt and um jk rowling actually got together and wrote a doctor who stroke harry potter script and then there was all sorts of arguments about, you know, royalties and whatever. Not between them, but like, you know, the big companies and things. And then it was never made. But somewhere in a locked thing is that script.

Word scene. Extraordinary. So 821 has said, Don Quixote is the best-selling novel of all time with 500 million sales. Really? Tale of Two Cities is second with 200 million sales. This is the book charts on Absolute Radio.

I'm genuinely interested to learn that. Don Quixote. Yeah. Really? Well. Who knew? Who didn't know? A lot of people speak Spanish. Is it Spanish? Well, I mean, it's, you know. It? Well. Who knew? Who didn't know? A lot of people speak Spanish.

Is it Spanish? Well, I mean, it's, you know. It's Spanish. I played Don Quixote once in a play. Oh, how was that? It was all right. It was Camino Real, the play was called. And it was at Warrick Art Centre when I was a student.

Oh, yeah. It was a terrible bloke in the cast who did martial arts. I wouldn't wish him dead, but if they phoned me and said he had died, I'd be over it. Why was he terrible? You know, some people are terrible. You can't get around that. We were talking...

We were talking about Oliver Twist. Where's my satire? Okay. And he channels Ravi sometimes. Oliver Twist. We were talking about Oliver Twist and I was rude and I said I

wasn't very kind about Rita Ora's proposed performance and I'm sure she'll be great but she'll bring you have made a very good observation about her Frank which is that she belongs to a group you call the five items or less I think you call it do you know I'm to explain what five items well I don't know enough about her to know if she's in it or not but I think it's nine items or less I do apologize it's't know enough about her to know if she's in it or not. Exactly. But I think it's nine items or less. I do apologise. It's five or less. You know when you go into the supermarket and there's nine items

or less? I'm thinking of the celebrities who you wouldn't be able to name more than nine things that they'd done. Right. Yeah. I think five items probably does work. You know, some people have had some big things, but not that. But I wouldn't be able to put her in here because I don't really know her work.

Okay. If I was going to go lady for... Halloween? For Dodger. Ever? No, I was going to say for a career move. All right. If I was going to go lady, I would go Cara Delevingne.

Lovely idea. Nobody does urchin like Cara does. And she's got that. Top hat. You could believe that she was a Victorian. She's got that, you know, I haven't had a meal since we mogged to the butcher's boy. Look to her. Yeah, but you know what? She's going to struggle with the

old actento. I mean, go on, city yourself. I mean, she's quite posh, isn't she? I know, but she'd do it, she's an actor. I think she'd be great, and she'd be all grubby and thin, but the startling blue eyes suggesting there was a good person in there somewhere. And the big bushy brows.

Jack Wilde, the original Dodger, had very bushy brows, I recall. Did he? I don't remember that. Because I just, under the top hat, everything was in shade. What do you, I think we need to go to a break shortly. But before we do, Ice Cube as Faye. It's hurting my ribs, the producers prodding them that hard.

Wow, that escalated. With her garden cane. She's getting the cobwebs off. Exactly. I have never Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio 587 that is wrong

it's not Don Quixote the modern novel bestseller is The Da Vinci Code but the bestseller of all time excluding the Bible, is, as Emily says, The Tale of Two Cities. Oh, Emily's come back.

She's slipped back. Stop it. I'll get big-headed. It was just like China in the men's relay heats last night. It looked like they'd dropped back out of it then last minute burst through again. Do you know that makes me so happy?

Well, that's... Well, you know, it could still change. I'll tell you what makes me even happier is Frank's suggestion of Cara Delevingne as the Artful Dodger. I think that's absolutely inspired casting. What if we actually, what if Disney actually, if it got back to Disney organisation

and they said, you know what, that's not a bad call, we got her the job. Now, they are talking in... What thanks would we get? Nothing! What percentage do we get? Ten. I don't want their money. You know...

Well, I read this week you only got 800 quid for Three Lions. Did I tell you? Is this true? This is what one of the papers said. Did you know that was in the papers? I didn't. OK, just so you know. Rykuda. I was talking to someone who was working with Rykuda.

And his agent said they've offered you a million pounds to play at Disneyland Paris. Oh, yeah. And Rykuda said, I don't twang for the mouse. That was the end of the conversation. Absolutely. I love that. Now the other people, we should

talk about who else we think. Frank's got his casting duties out the way. So Adele is being lined up to play Nancy. I can see that. Has she done acting? I just came up with a bit of rogue casting.

Okay. Which was the Conservative MP Michael Fabricant. Oh, the one with the hair. He's got lovely blonde hair. I don't know if he's right for that. I just imagine him singing, As long as he needs me. Yeah. They have to sing it in that very Cockney way.

Yeah, you have to do... There's a Cockney way. Yeah, you have to do it. There's a Cockney thing which is a bit like, you know the Doppler effect, that if a car goes past you, it's got a sort of vibrato. Yeah. Yeah, I'm getting married in the morning. Yeah, the Cockneys, I don't know what they...

They go in and out of focus, the Cockneys. I don't know what's wrong with them. Um, Fagin. Come on, say to yourself. Fagin. Fagin in this version. Ice Cube is obviously being lined up. Obviously, you say.

Yep, Ice Cube. Is that all right? I'm going to pick Yep. Ice Cube. Is that all right? I've got to pick a pocket or two. Is that all right, Tariq? Just faking. Well, I know there were... That sounds... They're on thin ice there, aren't they?

I believe that... Thin ice cube. I don't know... I don't know if you guys are familiar with the original Oliver Twist, the non-musical version. Oh, yes. For David Lean.

Yes. Played by Alec Guinness Lean played by Alec Guinness Alec Guinness to Ice Cube but I think that was sort of semi-cancelled that version for various reasons that performance Ice Cube, I'm not sure

what you think it'll bring to the part Well I just it depends whether you're trying how close you're going to be to Oliver Twigg. I mean, I'd have thought that is one of the great classic Jewish parts in all literature. So it's quite a big thing. Does this mean Mel Brooks could play Othello now?

Yeah. 8, 12, 15. No, don't. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. No, don't So we're talking about Well, we were just talking about Ice Cube as Fagin And other things I never thought I'd say He'll play all gangster and stuff Although, here's the thing about Ice Cube

He's not, I mean, I don't want to upset Dre or any of those guys. They don't listen anymore. I know, but I listen. If the Cockerels aren't on the show, they don't even. I'm sorry, guys.

I know, but just in case, maybe Eazy-E might still occasionally listen to the podcast. I just, I'm not throwing any shade. However. We might get Lady Solve-ry, if we're lucky. Lady Solve. Who came up with the best measuring system ever.

What was that? In the Celebrity Big Brother house. She said, do you remember this, Frank? You pointed it out to me. Go on. She said, how big was it? They were talking about a portion size and she went i remember it was like a cat's paws oh yeah cat's paw size i mean brilliant um like

some sort of primitive instinct she had for measuring it's a mighty boosh system measuring um so obviously there's i mean what worries me about this is Mr Bumble. Right. I just want to make sure they don't go rogue. I think Gemma Collins, I think that could be a female. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Can you imagine? You want more? They make life difficult.

I can't even believe you want more. I can't even believe it, Oliver. And then she'd have to sing. Are there songs in this? Oh, yes. Oh, OK. What's your favourite Oliver song? Ooh. Oliver and then she'd have to sing are there songs in this? oh yes oh ok what's your favourite Oliver song? oh

consider yourself oh ok I like Pick a Pocket Hall too I mean I imagine I like to pick a pocket they won't be able to do in the national obesity crisis they won't be able to do

Food Glorious Food surely you're going to drag the whole nation down where is love that's a lovely song are you okay yeah okay yeah can i just say something what i don't like okay calm down can i say something about consider yourself i don't like yes i am i can tell you something i don't like i don't know know where you two stand on this, but in Consider Yourself, they do that thing where someone sings a line

and the other person says it. Rex Harrison does this. For example, consider yourself at home. Oh, I hate it. I like a bit of that. Oh, why can't a woman be more like a man? Yeah. Thank you. That wasn't me talking be more like a man yeah

thank you that wasn't that wasn't me talking that's a musical trope when someone is entering into a new world and they start to believe they start to join in

with the song in a tentative way yeah they talk sort of talk at first yeah and then they get into the song

and they're part of a new era of their life the second bit he says consider yourself and he says part of a new era of their life. The second bit, he says, consider yourself and he says, part of the family we've taken to you

are so strong. Now you're getting it. Can I give a round of applause for that very fine moment on the show? This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. on the show there was an interesting story this week about you know I love a have a go

hero and all those guys there was Jason Donovan this week yes became a heroic figure. I'm slightly confused. You saw this? Saw it?

Yeah. Never to be deleted. It's a confusing tale. Jason, there's a fire in somebody's side entrance. We mean house. No, but it said in their side entrance. Okay, thank. And it said...

In here? The police said, luckily, Mr Donovan, he said, I'll give you the actual quote, he said he noticed the fire from his property over the road. Right. There's a fire at his neighbour's house. Yeah, the fire was at 4.30am. Is he still operating on Australian timeian time i mean we should say

the shocker was that he ran out in his pants wielding a fire extinguisher yes i think two fire extinguishers i do apologize let's hope for downgrading him to the one. Yeah. Let's hope they were both. Okay. Okay. He, as often happens in these stories, the sort of reps from the services were a bit of jokers going on there. We had, they always quip in these stories. They quipped. He said, everyone needs good neighbours.

It's actually everybody, but never mind. Doesn't scan everyone everyone needs good neighbours and the watch manager on the scene who I believe is sort of the sort of hose governor said he looks good for you I think that was Snoop Dogg we'll play that in the new Oliver.

As I call him, Daddy. So he called him, he said, he looks good for his age. Well, Jason was in his pants, it turns out. Now, look, I... It's fine. Fine that it did. I mean, if I'd have been having a go in this, it would have been,

I sleep in more clothes than most people go out in. Oh, really? So I would have been fine. No, you wouldn't. You wear a Donald Duck single pyjama top. It would be absolutely gross. Only in the summer. I just wear a pyjama jacket.

You can't... It would have been a picture of me in the paper fighting fire in just a pyjama jacket. You can't, it would have been a picture of me in the paper fighting fire in just a pyjama Jackie. A bare bottom. It would have been the worst moment slash best of my life. Look, all this

would be fine and I'd be admiring of him. Although it does say modest Jason played down his act of heroism. Yeah, but he did put a picture of himself

doing it on Twitter. Which is a very odd picture because there's people just standing around in it. It looks like there's loads of people. Yeah, it looks like there's loads of people there and he's just streaking through in his pants. Everyone else is fully dressed. Why is he the only one? Everyone else has managed to put clothes on. Also, everybody's got good clothes by the door.

A robe, okay? I put on a dirty old black T-shirt the other day. All I would say is this, is that he has just announced a new tour. Oh, that's convenient. If I was the police, I might have a look in his garden shed to see if there's any petrol cans. That's all I'm saying.

Well, I think he's in Joseph, isn't he? Put the coat on, mate. Yeah, exactly. Put the Technicolor Dreamcoat on. Cover yourself up. Excuse me. Excuse me. Frank and I went to see his pharaoh. Oh, yeah, he's not Joseph anymore. Oh, time is cruel.

You say that. Ripped. Really? Yeah. Absolutely ripped. Did you think he was ripped? He looked pretty good, come on. ripped. Really? Yeah. Absolutely ripped. It's all right when we say it. Did you think he was ripped? He looked pretty good, come on.

Okay, fair enough. Really? After what he's been through. You want to go up against Jado? No, he was... I mean, you look fabulous, Frank. You've got a lovely pair of legs. He is.

He's one of the best kept arsonists. And relax. And relax, everybody. So what's going on this week? Cheltenham Book Festival, Emily? Yes. Interviewed by David Baddiel.

What is that, Thursday night? Thursday at 8.30. Okay. You can please come and see us. My dog's coming. Oh, I loved your book, Em. Okay. I did the audio book, Weeping on the Motorway.

You did the audio book? Very dangerous. Well, so will David Badddey will be on Thursday night. I finished with him. Well, I can't go because I shall be playing the G Centre in Guildford on my current tour. Are you on tour? Are you? I am.

Can you please remember to put pyjama bottoms on? I will be back. I will. Gareth, where will you be this Thursday? I'd like to do a show in pyjamas. Do you remember, was he called Freddy Fingers or something that was in the Boomtown Rats who always wore pyjamas. Oh, really?

What are you up to then, Gareth? Oh, Gareth, you're at the King's Head. I'm in Weymouth tonight. Downstairs at the King's Head next Saturday. OK, I'll be there. For any London listeners. The King's Head isn't yet. It's in Crouch End in London.

Crouch End, yeah. Oh, I like this section. It's quite one show. I enjoy it. It is. So that's got the show. I enjoy it. It is. So that's got the blogs. And thank you for listening to us. Gareth, thanks for coming in this way.

We love you. It's been a pleasure. Thank you for having me. It's always a joy to see you. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. Now get out.