The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Very Cruel

Episode Date: September 2, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Alun is back from Edinburgh and joins Emily and Frank. The trio discuss show posters, false advertising and walk on music. Plus, Frank gets a serious case of the giggles!

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I'm Frank, I am Frank Skinner and I am Top Cat, I am, I am. And I'm with Emily Dean, I'm also with Alan Cochran this morning. The Wanderer has returned. Hurrah. Big Daddy, I've been pining away for Mr. Alan. It has been a long time. Here we go. Oh, that's nice to hear, isn't it?

I've done that for a long time. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Oh, yes. So, Alan, welcome back. It's good to be back. Hello. Alan has been to the Edinburgh Fringe in Scotland.

Making it sound like you've never had any encounter with it at all. Well, I think it's always good not to assume too much knowledge. So it's a place where comedians go often to have quite severe mental breakdowns, but Alan looks quite... There does seem to be a lot of that. I would get into a lot of debt. Yeah, get into drinking

problems, drugs. I sold some tickets, I didn't have any drinking problems. Not only have drinking problems, but offer someone a lift home. Age 29 afterwards. It's that kind of scenario up there. Who would do a thing like that? It's just an anecdote now.

Anyway, so I'm glad you made it and you look on scarred and I heard great things about the show. So I stick you, you come back trailing glorious, I think William Wordsworth said of people when they're born. I mean, not as much as last time when I came back

and got to announce that I was joint 8th best joke of the fridge. Do you remember that, Al? I remember the joke as well. If there's one thing that winds me up, it's the articles in the paper about the 10 best jokes in Edinburgh. Is it?

Well, it always winds me up because it's often puns. No, I don't mind the jokes, but what I think is if you're going to write an article, write an article. Don't get other on-page comedians to write it for you. There you go.

Good point. Got that out of the way and I'll tell you something else. Go on. I was walking this morning, I went past a Nike town. Oh, yeah. And yes, there is a place called that.

Yes, there is, but I've never quite heard it pronounced like that. And there was a beautiful woman in sportswear on the window. I picture her on the window. Oh, yeah. Not a sports person. A model. Just a beautiful woman, yeah. You know, one of them beautiful women that used to be quite,

very popular in the 80s. I've got off, that's when I liked them. And now, I just, I don't know, I find them slightly comical. Anyway. Was she a real woman or was it a picture like a... No, it was a picture. Oh, okay. Probably a real woman somewhere in the process.

Yes. Anyway, then I saw a bloke walking up the road, very, um, some sort of drug-rattled, sad spectral figure of early morning London. Was he doing the shuffle you often refer to, frankly, walks so quickly? I didn't like looking at him at all. From place to place. But he had full sports gear on as well.

And I thought, you know what? I'd recently watched an Usain Bolt movie called something like I'm Bolt or something like that. Me Bolt. Probably was what it was called in the West Indies. Me Bolt. And I said, all right?

Apparently not. Well, I'll keep talking until the show's taken off the air. And then he looked great. You know, him sitting around in sports gear, he looked great, but he's earned the right to wear sports gear. Now, I know people go on about this, but I realise that when I used to go walking around

as a four and five-year-old in a cowboy outfit, it's exactly the same thing. They've seen sportsmen looking good, so they're dressing as sportsmen and dressing as sportswomen. Yeah. Or dressing as professional cyclists dressing as sportswomen. Yeah. Or dressing as professional cyclists. And it's just the same.

What about if I came in here today in a cowboy outfit? People would think I'd had a mental breakdown. They'd think I'd been to Edinburgh. I would love that. I would love it if you came in in a cowboy outfit. I'm not saying it's a bit like it. It's exactly the same. If I came in here in a cowboy outfit. I'm not saying it's a bit like it. It's exactly the same. Exactly the same.

If I came in here in a cowboy outfit, it's no different from me coming in here in a tracksuit. I'm just dressing as someone I think is a bit exciting and cool looking. But you're supposed to give that up when you're about eight. Well, maybe we should all do that. Let's just dress as things we find interesting. I've got costumes. I can't believe that.

It's about time they saw a bit of daylight rather than just a flickering bare light bulb of your rented apartment. Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio Can I just say I own my property, thank you. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just say I own my property, thank you. You own your property. But have you always owned your property? For some time. Okay. I rented as a youth, didn't we all, dear?

I liked renting. Didn't we all rent, dear? Yeah. It's great that, you know, something like a window breaks, you've found someone up and then a year and a half later they come and fix it. And also, I'm going to play devil's advocate a little bit for Frank here. I didn't think that he was insinuating. Oh, here we go, he's back. I didn't think that you were insinuating.

Em gets it in the neck. I didn't think he was insinuating that you didn't own your property. I think he was insinuating that you wear your costumes in a rented property. Oh. That was what I took that as being, but I might have got it wrong. Whole other smear. Yes, I'm kidding. Whole other smear, Skinner.

I thought so, yeah. Well, it was wise. I, yeah, I remember my first landlord, Mrs Smith, she was cool. She used to wear a coat with a fur collar that was absolutely matted with face powder. Oh. Oh, was it? She could have continued to powder her face with her own collar.

In an endless cycle of powdering. Did you pay your rent with cash? In the old days, I'm sure that's how they used to do it. I did everything. I didn't have a checkbook. It was all a bit George Graham in those days, wasn't it, with the envelopes? She said, here's the deal. She said, it's 15 quid a week.

I'll never, ever do a repair of any kind. But I'll keep the rent low. Absolute radio. Fair enough. That's what they said to us. How can you say that when we're in this deluxe studio? Indeed. Yeah, but what was that old discarded palm tree inflatable in the corridor?

We're in the same building as Kiss FM. I think they like to party on down. Party on down? Yeah. I don't. Anyway, I had a bit of tremendous news this week. Did you? I went to my first football match of the season.

Wowee. It was a two-goal thriller against Oak City. But it's always great, just great. First match of the season. No one ever says a pitch looks nice anymore. Oh, yeah. But anyway. Is that going to be a whatever happened to?

Yeah, it could have been. And I had a letter, a rather lovely letter from West Bromwich Albion to say that my season ticket, which is £475 a season, had been reduced to £350. No way. Because I was over 60 oh how exciting come on come on

I enjoyed that match a little bit more that is good it's like I had a glowing ember in my pocket of warmth knowing that that really did cheer me up. Lovely. I can spend that now on my winter fuel.

It's your allowance. I don't get a winter fuel allowance for a while, I don't think. Ah, the winter fuel allowance. Whenever I hear of the winter fuel allowance, I'm reminded of good King Wenceslas, who I think didn't he see someone gathering winter fuel?

Yeah, I believe he did, Frank. Who thought then that that phrase would be used for a government benefit? On the Feast of Stephen, I believe, was the date. Well, you know, I think the timings are irrelevant. Okay. It was cold and there was a man gathering his winter fuel allowance. Probably if we'd read the full unedited version, he was just a bloke who was just going into a post office

to get his winter fuel allowance. Anyway, I haven't got winter fuel allowance, but I have got... Cheaper West Brom ticket. 75 quid off my season ticket. Honestly, apparently I have to wear a flat cap now to matches. That's fine. What would you spend that on?

Pies? A West Brom flat cap. It's an interesting point. Maybe I should go in now to matches. That's fine. What would you spend that on? Pies? A West Brom flat cap. It's an interesting point. Maybe I should go in the club shop and... Oh, yeah. Yeah? Spend it where you got it. Get myself some sports gear.

Yeah. But it was... Oh, sorry, I'm just scratching my armpit. That's nice. You're allowed to do that as you get older. Sorry, Alan, you were saying? I said often. You are scratching your armpit, it feels like.

Do you account for that? You do scratch a lot, darling. I do scratch a lot. I wonder if I've got some sort of dermatological problem. Perhaps you're allergic to being on the radio. That'd be weird to find it out now after all these years, wouldn't it? It's slowly killing me. Like the bloke at work who had the desk next to the microwave

and then goes blind in one eye. Remember that? It used to be a common story, that. That's a great story, I love it. There was always a half-blind bloke in the paper moaning about people having too many meat pies at the office. It was a trope. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

I went, I was in Borrowton. Where? Borrowton, it's a tiny village. I suppose it must be in Hampshire. Never heard of it. What were you doing there Frank? I was on a walking holiday this week so you end up staying in small places you might not go to

very beautiful village classic dock pond I love a dock pond but I was interested to go there because the manor house in Boderton was the home of Edward Gibbon who wrote the history of the fall and decline of the Roman Empire. Oh, yes, yeah.

Which is, I recommend, don't do all six volumes, but have a deep in. Six volumes? It's an epic, but, you know. Goodness me. It covers a long time, but anyway. It does. So I went in to have a look at this uh place did you have a nice gaff well i mean it was it was the manor house so it was it was stunning but bits of it some of the

servants quarters and that around the edge had been sold off you know so there was a bloke in there and he was having a potter around and um kept my between really started laying into the parish council, which I sort of forgot. I didn't think outside of Vicar of Dibley they even existed anymore, let alone that they got people's backs up. Anyway, I was with Kath, I was talking to him, and a woman came out and she used a phrase which never occurred to me before.

It's a phrase which on paper is a phrase of of warmth and and and humanity but if you say it right it can be genuinely menacing and the phrase is can i help you and she said can i help you and right away i was i was a bit frightened yeah And you know when someone... Yes. She said it with a tone that implied, what on earth are you doing here? Yes. It's, can I help you? Meaning clear off, I think.

And Kat said to me after, well, maybe she just, you know, it came out a bit wrong, but it was definitely, I don't want to help you. I want you to be somewhere that isn't near me. And I didn't take, I didn't take a photo of the manor house or anything. I was frightened by this one. What was your response when she said that?

I said, well, I said to her, yeah, maybe, is that the house that Edward Gibbon lived in? And she looked like I was trying to track down someone I'd been in prison with. She had that kind of look at me and she said, I've never heard of him. And I felt, well, I'm sorry, but if you live here, you should have damn well heard of him. But you think you would have cropped up?

I've never heard of him. I mean, that's an interesting choice of language there. It's not, oh no, I don't know. I don't know about that. Very extreme. She didn't like you, Frank. No. There's no easy way of saying it. She took a guinew.

Yeah. And there's no plaque. I felt very let down by the whole experience. I mean, no plaque. Oh. Probably took it down, thought blue was wrong. Didn't go with her sofa. Maybe.

Anyway, maybe I'm being a bit hard on her, but she didn't really try to help me that's the bottom line I think yeah it sounds like when she said can I help you she was sort of saying someone has to, is it going to be me like can I help you no she didn't think

she'd think I'd probably been helped quite enough by the probation service that was the man well can I help you is to when it's said like in that tone of voice, can be 30 seconds away from a restraining order. Well, you see, if I'd had a suit on,

I think I'd have been alright. Because when you go on a walk in holiday, you dress like a member of Time Team. Yeah. I think people do. Were you in those trousers that zip off into shorts? Were you in those? No. I'm the England supporter

backless trainer. Can I tell you why I wasn't in those trousers? It's because I once wore a pair of those and I unzipped the bottom section and wore the top and it was like, you know people in

what's the name of the Catholic organisation featured in the Da Vinci Code? Feet. Let me think. I mean, the chances of you asking me the names of a Catholic organisation... But they wear a salise, which is like a barbed wire garter. I've gone to all sorts of scrapes with those, love.

I can get you them cheap, if you like, through the S&M community. Most depressing discount I've ever had. Exactly. But they used to wear a salise, and the idea is it reminds you that your physical life is not really important. So they used to soft... Imagine wearing a barbed wire garter all day. I can.

And that's how the zip, the remaining section of zip on the half trouser affected my legs. So I had a red line all the way around both sides of it. Like I'd been standing like thigh deep

in something that had left lines around my legs say if I'd been in tomato juice I don't know if you ever stood thigh deep in tomato juice it's a mugs game but yeah so I never wear those anymore

never say never you might go back to them oh no sometimes you have to say never dear. Do you? If they made somewhere the hole, if they buttoned, I think I'd be alright. If you had the bottom of the trouser buttoned to the top. Then you'd have all sorts of buttons

on your, I wouldn't like that. No, no, because the bottom could be on the lower trouser so you could have... The eyelets though. You could have the eyelets and then maybe you could hang corks from them. Nice. And that would keep... Keep the flies off. Keep the flies off your lower parts.

Be good for getting rid of midges on a Scottish walk in holiday as well. There you go. See? We start off with what sounds like a surreal extravaganza. Next thing you know, you're on a business scheme. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I had as well. I had, you know, I've got a very bad sense of direction. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I was staying in a place. I was there for five days. On day four, where you think you might have found your way around, I went walking into the living room and suddenly there was a wall that wasn't there before. And I realised I'd walked into the shower. Eh?

I know, really, it's getting worse. He's getting lost in the house now. I am one of these men who's going to be found wandering about. But it'll be all right. You'll be all right because you've got the cloak of celebrity to protect you. Yeah, but I'll probably be naked, let's face it. Oh, yeah, you will be. Of all people...

Just my pyjamas, Jackie. Stop, Ken. Of all people, somebody with a terrible sense of direction that is getting worse, apparently. I don't think you should go on a walking holiday. I go with my partner, who has a fabulous sense of direction. A lot of pressure on her, though. Well, you know, I need to be led.

It's true. I don't even look at a map. I take a map as a slap in the face. No one takes the literal maps these days, do they? Yeah, we did. Do you? We can't read them, but they just look good. OS? Is it an OS map? Probably. Take the Oldman survey map.

Oh, I thought it was oversized. Oh, really? Oh, I made a right fool of myself. I had my first bath of 2017. Hang on, we'll just have a jingle for that. Stick of the dump over here. See if I've got my first...

Here it is. I like it, I like it. Actually, I didn't much like it. Oh, I like a bath. I didn't have you down as a bath, did you? No. Oh, no, I like a shower, you see. And I'd forgotten my routine.

I had to get in the bath and think, now, hold on, how do I do this? Honestly. Really? How do I do this? Because I had a very set routine. I kneel when I first get in the bath. Do you?

Oh, there we go. So I kneel and I wash my face. At Pontifex. You kneel and wash your face? I kneel and wash my face. I want to wash my face in the water before it's become corrupted by my lower part. I hope people can sit in water for ten minutes

and then wash their faces. It's absolutely disgusting. I never think about it like that. I don't wash my face in the bath. No. Oh. No, I've got all sorts of other things for that. What do you use? A five-step cleansing process is what I use after the bath. No. Oh, I've got all sorts of other things for that. What do you use? A five-step cleansing process

is what I use after the bath. Do you use a jogging u-off? I don't approach bathing in the same way I don't think as you and showering. You have a sort of work ethic in the bathroom which is very much right. I've got this to do, I've got a to-do list. Yes, exactly. I just

enjoy my time in there for once. You know, I never do that. I never do this to do. I've got a to-do list. I just enjoy my time in there, for once. No, I never do that. I never do that. Kathy's like that. My partner, Kath, she gets into the shower. We had a shower together in our early days when we were excitable. And she would say, what are you doing?

I said, well, you know, I'm washing my hair and then I'm going to do my neck. And she said, what? Oh, I just stand here. It's like someone at a bus stop. She stands under the water and then that's that done. Is that hygienic? That's what I do.

I don't think so. When I'm in the bath, after I've done that bit, I go into a sort of, I wash my feet now, which is quite easy, and your chest. And then I go into a sort of crab position so I can wash my middle section. Because trying to wash something that's under water is a waste of time.

You know that sort of crab thing you do? Ever played crab football? Oh yeah, I know that, but I just don't really do that in the bath. So both hands and feet on the floor, but you've sort of lifted, you've elevated your hips. It's an old man's version of that. Oh, OK.

But I had to get the middle bit out of the water so you can wash it. It sounds like you're doing bath yoga. Maybe this should be a bath yoga. I'm sure it is. It sounds really stressful, Al. But otherwise... Yoga.

It's no good washing something that's underwater, is it? Yeah, I think that is washing. No, it isn't, because the soap... Why is it? Yeah, I think that is washing. No, it isn't. Why is it no good? Because the soap never has any time on the surface of the skin because it's dispersed into the water. This is why fish smell. Do they?

They don't, though. What do you mean fish don't smell? What are you talking about? If you walk past the good fishmongers and the fish is fresh, it shouldn't smell fishy. That'll be one of those Sky series, fish don't smell. What are you talking about? If you walk past the good fishmongers and the fish is fresh, it shouldn't smell fishy. That'll be one of those Sky series, Fish Don't Smell. I can see it being commissioned now. Yeah, Lee Mack presents Fish Don't Smell.

And it'll be made common sense explanations. Yeah. Science for the man in the street. Man in the stream, in this case. Well, I just don't get it. I don't get anyone washed themselves under water. at Man in the Stream, in this case. Well, I just don't get it. I don't get anyone washed themselves under water. I mean, what are we talking about?

I think, have you thought ever, it's just a suggestion from someone who loves you. Yeah. Have you ever thought about maybe just lie back, make it a kind of sensory experience? So it's not a washing thing? Well, I'm just saying, have you thought about doing that? Have some music, maybe have a candle. Can I say not a washing thing? Well, I'm just saying, have you thought about doing that? Have some music?

Maybe have a candle? Can I say one of the worst... Maybe Lady in Red on in the background? One of the worst things me and Kath ever used to do was have a bath together. So overrated, that. It's horrible. I don't like bathing in a bath. Horrible. For a start-up, I had to have the taps, and it's like being someone's got a gun in your back.

So you're lying there like that in a way yeah yeah it's the most the water is too high because it's got two people in there there's nothing and you like candles and then you think i'm just thinking i just want to get clean and get it out i hate sensitive candles getting clean in there. Clean is what it's for. Baiting. Stop treating it like prison. Well, when I had a bath in prison, it was a very different experience. But that's where I'm at.

Crab walk. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank 250 has been in touch. Ree, can I help you? Oh, yeah.

Can I help you? Well, 250 says, nice slash sinister phrases. As John Wyndham wrote, darling, Jane told him, using the word edge uppermost Oh, that's a good one. I love edge uppermost. Killer.

Kat's is she can hit me full in the face with fine. Oh, yeah. Oh, fine. I'm fine. Oh, I feel my stomach go. It's horrible.

There are many uses to fine. No, no, it's fine. None of them ironically fine. Do you mind if I go to the horrible there are many uses to fine none of them ironically fine do you mind if I go to the match oh fine oh yeah I tell you what I was I tell you what I love to do I must have told you this before

one of my favourite things is to sit with my back to a tree oh you love that just the feeling of bark against your back. I wonder if Mrs Bark ever said that. Um, Omar Bark. I don't know how much action she got, to be honest. We never know.

We know quite a lot, actually. There's plenty of variations. Yeah. Wow, we don't have any bark jokes on here. I feel like applauding that. What does one do to show appreciation on the radio? When it's an after-dinner speech, people hit the table. Come on!

Or just a double tap like the snooker. Is it the snooker? Oh, yeah, the old dublay. You could do that. Frank, can we ask Alan about his bathing routine? I'm interested. Well, it's a bit of a hospital pass. Why?

Do you have a bathing routine? Well, I just want to know if it's a female thing, Frank. So when the music came on after me talking about having a bath, I was roundly condemned by the other people in the studio. Yeah.

They were scoffing. They were, they were saying, but the water is soapy. It's soapy water. But that... And you were looking exactly as you look now with your puzzled face. We're talking about incidental cleaning. I just want to know if Al favours the same slightly hair shirt approach

to the bathing. I don't think I've ever got to August to have my first bath. In fact, it's September. It was August, that. Oh, it was. Fair bath. In fact, it's September. It was August, sir. Oh, it was. Fair enough. I mean, you've wasted half a year there, showering. I like to have a bath regularly. Sometimes Epsom salts for muscle recovery.

Oh, he has a martial arts bath. That's a whole different world, Frank. Yeah. But also, I occasionally... Ice bath, yes. Oh, yeah. Usain Bolt. I'm not in my crypto shape.

Number one super guy. He loves that bath. I quite like a podcast and to hang out in there. I don't mind that. I think he has a podcast in the bath. You have music in there. That's a long... Lady in Red or something.

Lady in Red I'll have. It's a long time to be watching your own tomato pips rise to the surface. What? I just think there's something disgusting about sitting in the same author as your own behind and listening to someone talking about 80s football. I mean, it's absolutely disgusting.

I think you need a therapist, not a bar. Just get clean. That's absolutely disgusting. I think you need a therapist, not a bath. Just get clean. That's my tip. Anyone listening? Lighten up, that's my tip. I do lighten up afterwards. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran has returned.

You can text our show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. What's the worst sightseeing you've ever did? I think that's what the producer told me I should do as a text in off the back of my story. Which story? I forgot to say.

The one about, can I help you? Oh, really? Yeah. Oh. What's the best, what's the worst, what's the worst sightseeing you've ever done? At 12.15. You're not really selling that.

I once went up a river that was supposedly full of crocodiles but the water was at just the right temperature for them to stay in the water and not be visible so it was just like

a boat trip on the river it's rubbish you could do that with any river saying yeah there's crocodiles down the bottom

they don't come out much but you know it's not sightseeing is it it's sight not seeing that's one thing that winds me up at the zoo

when they stay in their living quarters oh it's not sightseeing, is it? It's sight not seeing. That's one thing that winds me up at the zoo when they stay in their living quarters. Oh, it's so selfish. In the back room. It's like if you went into a takeaway. If I go into a takeaway and there's that ten seconds when they're not at the counter, they're behind the beaded curtain, I'm furious. Animals will do it all day.

Well, I tell you what, some of the animals... That's why you never get animals running a takeaway. Ever. Say what on the subject? Oh, go on. I was going to say, they're a bit like... Some of the animals... That's why you never get animals running a takeaway. Ever. Say what on the subject? Oh, go on. I was going to say, they're a bit like... Some of the animals are a bit like students. They're like a lion.

So, like the bears, forget it. You're not going to see them before 3pm. I think they know. I do think they know when people have come to see them and they deliberately... Like Mariah Carey. ...absent themselves. Reluctant stars.

Honestly, I think it's spite. They hate the human race. Understandably. With some evidence. Yeah. And so they think, you know, let them look at some empty trees. What about some of those you go through?

What's that night section, Frank? Creatures of the night, I call it, where it goes all dark. The bat bit. Yeah, you know that bit. One thing I never do at the zoo is any sort of indoor Do you not usually do that bat bit?

Oh, I like the bat bit. I never do that. What, you go in and look at butterflies? No, no, the bit where there's a bit of foliage and then you hear and it's bats. There's bats above you. I like that bit. Real bats above you. Yeah, yeah. Some of those little monkeys. You've not been in a bat bed?

To me, they're just, when it's raining, those parts. I never go in those parts. Well, this is why I love the monkeys, because they deliver. You know, they really deliver the monkeys. They show me. Deliver. Exactly. Good old-fashioned comedians. It's not a butcher joke. They deliver.

Now they do. Sausages. They are like comics. You're right. Yeah. Blue a butcher joke. They deliver sausages. Now they do. They are like comics. You're right. Yeah. Blue, very blue, some of them. The monkeys. Oh, yeah. They're what they call unfiltered.

Yeah, they are. Some of them, I mean, they're doing their stag material at 11 o'clock in the morning. Oh, yeah. I mean, come on, know your crowd, guys. We don't want to, whoa, we don't want to see that. I've got the kids, whoa. The kids with me.

They'll remember that forever. Oh, dear. And I tell you something, what about them birds again who aren't in the zoo but who come and live in the zoo? I mean, what on earth is that? How come they live with the lions or something? I mean, get sparrows in the lion enclosure. I've never seen that.

Have you not seen those birds? Is that a thing? Yeah. Yeah, I've seen them. And people say it's a very terrible zoo, so they should be closed down. They're very cruel. There's birds fighting to get in of their own volition.

Amazing. They're very cruel. That's like the dancing bears. Yeah, they don't do any of that. No, but I told you that when I was in India. And I said to the taxi driver, he said, do you like dancing bears? I just did a bit of an accent, sorry.

Yeah. And I said, no, it's very cruel. And he went, yes! I love that man. You put that on the post, didn't you? Very cruel. unknown English woman what about if it says very cruel

across the top five stars very cruel oh he's gone he's gone Frank's lost his headphones off he's gone he's gone Frank's lost his headphones off he's fully gone

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he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone

he's gone he's gone he's gone he's That'd get me in. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. On the subject of posters, we were just discussing... Oh, let's not go back there. Very cruel. Very cruel, the Daily Express. I've been at the biggest arts festival in the world and I've seen quite a lot of artists' posters trying to entice people in. I hope they do a lot of them, don't they?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think there might be some false advertising going on up there. I used a poster quote from a comedian named Frank Skinner who had been complimentary about my stand-up because I figured... What was the quote? I can't remember now. Oh, quote? I can't remember now. Oh, why?

I can't believe it. Something about me being a bit of comedy. You know, proper stand-up, something like that. I didn't think it'd be a nice shirt. No. Well, you'd be surprised, though, because people use all sorts. I saw a poster. I won't name the theatre company, because I don't know it,

but it was big. They'd spent a bit of money on adverts. Yeah. Big poster for a Beatrix Potter show. They had a very nicely drawn duck character. Oh, yeah. And their poster quote, wait for it, guys, because this will blow your mind, was...

What was it? Ideal for children. Oh! In quotes. Always good to know, though. Which, I mean, the biker gangs and stag dudes that were in the queue for that must have thought, I really wish I'd seen that on the way.

Who puts that on? I'm relieved that Beatrix Potter works clean. I do for you. I actually don't think that she is, having read some Beatrix Potter. Oh, right. Maybe the show. Peter Rabbit's dad ends up in a pie

but what, true and there's a bit where Benjamin Bonny's dad breaks a branch down off a tree in order to cane them well they might have taken that bit out of the live I was reading it

there's a small gathering in South London and we're just reading sections it small gathering in South London and we're reading sections. It's always in South London, isn't it? It is. I don't like to whip on my own doorstep. I understand. I mean, I don't think it needs an ideal for children if it's a British British show.

I think it's already self-evident. It's targeted at children. But it wasn't just in theatrical positions that I ended up being the victim of misleading advertising. I lived for the month near a burrito place that had a neon light in the window. And it said, burritos the size of your head. And so obviously I went in expecting a lot of food.

And do you know what I got? What? A normal-sized burrito. What was it the size of, would you say? A normal-sized burrito. Which body part? Like... A hand?

Maybe a large hand. Okay. Or two hands pressed together. I think after the elephant man went in there, they probably said, we're going to lose money on this. Well, I think... To keep on like this.

In that case, unplug the neon light. Well, I know that is... I don't like it, Frank. Why have they done that, Al? I don't know. Maybe they didn't realise when they did it that the size of your head is too vague. Like there's too much.

It doesn't rhyme. It's no pun. But, you know, we're leaving the EU mainly because of tabloid stories saying that you can't sell bananas in pounds. They've got to be grams or whatever it is. And they're selling burritos in head measurements. It's ridiculous. Well, I went to a place in Langley Green where I grew up there was a chip shop and they said sausage beans and sausages beans and chips and I went in there

was one sausage and I said it says sausages she went off for goodness sake I said well it says sausages there's only one sausage I think think you should give me another sausage. He said, just get out. If you don't like it, get out. And I went past the next guy. I'm not going to help you. I like that he was always a bit of a get. And it was a rubbishy handmade sign. They hadn't even taken the sign down.

They'd just crossed the S off the end of sausages. So it was a sense that if you'd been there earlier, you might have got two. Filling the customers with a terrible sense of loss. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I mean, I don't want to go on about it, but a burrito as big as your head is... It's too variable. My mate Steve has got a tiny head compared to my big head.

You've got quite a... I've got a big head, yeah. What about those Chris Evans TFI heads? I mean, what if you walked in with one of those? No, that wouldn't be allowed. If they literally did it... You can't go in a carnival head. What about if Frank Sidebottom went in for a burrito?

Bankrupt them. Bankrupt. But they would say, no't go in a carnival head. What about if Frank Sidebottom went in for a burrito? Bankrupt them. Bankrupt. But they would say, no, that's not real. They would give you a papier-mâché burrito. Would you like that? Unless they've got T's and C's clearly stipulated. I don't know. You went in to complain about the sausage.

I wonder if you could complain about the fact that the burrito was not the size of your head. Yeah. Well, I am right now. No, but I mean, if you could legally... If I went in. If you could take them on legally. Yeah, because it is false advertising, for sure.

Were you lured in because you thought that's going to be a really massive burrito? Massive, yeah. I've got a big head. I actually thought she'd hold up the bread thing towards my head and just trim around. Also, he could feed on that for days, Frank, like one of those David Attenborough documentaries.

I imagine he thought, well, I've got a bit of a walk-on and it's a bit chilly, but I know that'll fit exactly into my balaclava. Yeah. So I keep that warm on the white mat. Yeah. Turns out it was a normal-sized burrito. Anyway, we can move on.

We'll move on. But also this year, for the first time in my many years of going to the Edinburgh Fringe, I became a bit addicted to haggis. Did you? Yes.

That took a while to... Late review. Very late review. Turns out, I like haggis, everyone. You know what? I really like haggis as well.

You know what? I loathe it. Oh, do you? Yeah. Takes all sorts. I think it was meatloaf, that other popular offal-based food that said, two out of three. Just like that, in fact. It's great that I could come up

with a quote from another meat-based dish. Come on. Very good. Yeah, very good. You don't get many meat-based singers these days. No, that's a good point actually. 8, 12, 15. I haven't ever been able to think about that.

Not now though because I think people are thinking on the radio. It's not entertaining. I mean, it's not a problem on most shows but, you know, you've got to be careful But I think I ate haggis about 8 or 10 times in the 3 weeks I was in Edinburgh

Did you? It's one of those things which I'm putting in the same category as pancakes and turkey that when I have it I think you know what I'm going to have this all the time and then I never do until the next year when they come around really like it I don't normally eat oats

but um I made the exception which made me think I'm I'm in a rare category of thinking that the oats are the problem ingredient in a haggis because yeah most people it's the eyeballs that's the everything else yeah yeah what's the what's the calorifics on a haggis because most people it's the eyeballs it's the everything else yeah yeah what's the what's the calorifics on a haggis I imagine you look that up good question

being a martial artist no I don't I don't count calories I just eat I just eat when I'm hungry yeah sure you do I imagine sure you do

no I honestly I don't count calories oh sure it's for losers calorie counting's for losers is it yeah

absolutely oh I do it all the time yeah loser Sure. It's for losers. Calorie counting's for losers. Is it? Yeah, absolutely. Oh, I do it all the time. Yeah. Loser! Can I thank... I'm letting it pass. Do you know what? I'm bathing in it.

I'm going to do the L as well with my hands. I'm just arching up to the me buttocks. Tom Spark sent me a free children's book for my child called Brollo the story of, guess I can't Brollo, an umbrella yes, come on guys

is it an umbrella hat I think so, but no it's not an umbrella hat which is a slap in the face some of our new readers may not know that I insisted a lot. Oh, God, just forget it. You know, I mean, they're available. Just go back to the other podcasts. I can't rerun my whole life for you.

For you, Johnny, come late, Liz. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I can't remember how we got to it, but we've had a text in bands with meat in their name. Oh, yeah. I've no idea, but the Meat Puppets

and Lamb of God. And then he says... Lamb of God, that's George Lamb. And then he says, that's all I got. That's from Richie in Wellborn. What was the last bit? Lamb of God, that's George Lamb. And then he says, that's all I got. Looks like a Greek god. That's from Richie in Wellborn. What was the last bit? Lamb of God, that's all I got. Oh, OK. What's that woman who was in Bow Wow Wow?

Was she called Lamb? Annabella. Annabella Lamb, was she called? I don't know about the Lamb section to the name, but possibly. Yes, I think she had a Lamb section. I mean, I like a band that you put me on to many years ago called The Amazing Snakeheads. Would they count as awful?

Well, no, no, no, no likey. We've just had an invitation to an Only Wears Essex event. Have we? We don't want all the details, and we don't want to get our invite via WhatsApp. Oh, do you think that's spam? Do you know they still have to pay money to Yass or the person who wrote Yass's song?

Do you know that's the only way? The only way is... And I believe Brian Belafonte as well. Oh, yeah, because they... The Big Brother contestant, because it was his idea. It was his idea and then they... It's all out there and open. They weren't legit, were they?

He's not called Belafonte oh Belfortune no Brian Bell something okay he's the one

Belfortune when I was on a show with him Brian Belling or something oh yes yes that's not quite right

we can't get it he won it and he I was on a show with him and I had to mime some famous British things and it was the haywain the john constable thing oh yeah so i was um no no he had that he had the haywain

and he was saying to me right um like a beach um sunshine and all that. And I said, oh, in England? He said, surfing, lots of surfing. I said, Newquay? And he went, no, no. And he was going on. I didn't know what was on the card. He was going on, you know, grass skirts and all that.

And he thought it said Hawaii. That famous British landmark but yes he had the idea for the only ways Essex one feels the two could be the only ways Hawaii was not back for its being too expensive here's the thing are we going to go to this event

I don't want to go simple as that because they had a pub quiz on The Only Way Is Essex once where they were all getting everything wrong and going way every time somebody got things wrong.

They found it funny. And the celebration of ignorance is something I will not tolerate. But thanks for the invite. Goodbye. It's a massive all day club event but we won't be there. Yeah, massive all day club event but you know we won't be there Yeah massive all day club event I think there's one of them in the Flintstones

I love the Flintstones Is it still on? The first programme we ever watched on when we had our first Colatelli I remember that turning up And I love the way the men wore a cravat in the Flintstones. Oh, I did that. Do you remember that? A little blue cravat. Who was the neighbour?

Who was Fred's neighbour? I know who you mean. Barney? I don't know his name. Maybe Barney. Barney Rubble, yeah. I'm sure they had cravats, because it was a nod to the fashion of the time, you see. Even in that it was caveman. I don't think Barney and Fred had cravats, I'm sorry. I think they had some sort of neck thing going on.

It doesn't ring a bell, does it? Oh, are you thinking of the chap in Scooby-Doo? No, I know Scooby-Doo. Come on, kids, come on. Do I have to stop the car and come back there? It was very, very fine. The Flintstones. He's scratching again.

When we first got a Colatelli, my old man wanted to get the money's worth so he used to crank up the collar so all the news readers and that looked like they'd been searching for a small item in a blast furnace you're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio have we You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

Have we heard from the outside world? Oh, we've had many several texts. Not just about bands with meat in their title. I'm worried about that texting. Why? It's a bit Capital Radio. Is it? I like it.

Yeah, I know what you mean. But it all started with the haggis chat. We've now had a text saying Captain Beefheart. The haggis chat. Captain Beefheart, yeah that's a good one. We can move it along because I'd quite like to know if there is a fish and chip shop in England that sells

haggis because I'm bound to go past it on my way to a gig, aren't I? That would make the effort to stop. It would be a good texting if we were just after the 50 pence text money. Is there a chip shop in England? Which we're not. We're not after that money. No.

I mean, there is. But if there's... Where's that place that's got strangely Scottish accents near Northampton? Is it Crosby or something? What? There's a place in England... Edinburgh? What you talking about something? What? There's a place in England... Edinburgh? What you talking about, Willis?

There's a place in England where they've all got Scottish accents. If you were married to Emma Willis, would you say that every day? Every day. And if I was having an affair with Rachel Weisz, I would then, when I stayed at her, sing,

Hey, Rachel Weisz, every morning. There are certain people... Yeah, they're asking for it. Happy Titmus and a prosperous new year. There are certain people. That's my new card now. There are certain people that you have to say it.

Now, earlier on this show, we were discussing the Flintstones and their clothing choices. Yeah, you two had a contra Tom I said I thought they wore cravats Frank said no I thought they were bare necked

to be honest neither of us were completely right I think I was a little bit more right I said they had a garment I said they had a garment one of them wears a tie and that's it. What I love is he always

admits he's wrong. Clive Silas has got in touch. Divine Miss M is right, just saying. Yeah, well, Clive Silas wants to check his facts because Barney, it turns out, wore a sort of lace-up jerkin'.

He's in red Flintstone. And Barney Rubble wore ragged collars so they could wear ties over their furs. Well, in the pictures that Emily keeps showing me across the desk, Fred is wearing a ragged tie, so I admit I was wrong on that front, but Barney's got a lace-up collar like the Lone Ranger used to have.

What happened to the lace-up collar? That's really gone, hasn't it? It has gone. They don't have it anymore do they it even made an appearance on some football shirts didn't it it did Man United mid 90s they did a retrospect like when they first

I believe that Brotherhood of Man used to wear those shirts do you remember Brotherhood of Man Frank here's a good text in which famous public figures wore and favoured a lace-up shirt? The Lone Rangers, certainly. Did the Robin Hood?

I was just going to say Robin of Sherwood. I think Robin Hood liked a lace-up shirt. Perhaps the Bottons weren't out in those days. No, I bet the Bottons weren't. I think they found them in ancient Egypt. Did the swashbucklers favour the lace-up shirt, perhaps? Maybe the Muskerhounds or something? I think they liked Velcro. Maybe the muskerhounds or something?

I think they were in for a slip-on. Oh, did they? Yeah, it's not many lace-up shirts around. It is Corby, by the way. I'm getting a lot of texts saying the town in Northampton is called Corby. They've got Scottish accents. They've got Scottish accents. There was an influx of Scottish people for some industry,

and now they've got Scottish accents. But have an influx of Scottish people for some industry and now they've got Scottish accents. But have they got haggis in their chip shop? Don't know. Well, our nation is on the edge of its seat. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Someone's saying, Alan, that place in England

where they speak with Scottish accents, are you talking about the Angus Steakhouse? No. Do they do that? I've never been here. Do they still exist, the Angus? Scottish people do, they're in there. Yeah, maybe. I thought that was whatever happened to you,

but then look what I did to Clinton Cards. Oh, yeah, you closed it down. Yeah. It was always too hot, anyway. Clinton Cards? In Clinton's. They kept it so hot, Clinton. Did they?

I had issues with the lighting concept. That's why they closed down, though. I mean, they spent all the money on fuel. I mean, I want the cards. They're like tropical fishes. They're supposed to be kept at a certain temperature. Greetings, cards. They're like tropical fishes. They're to be kept at a certain temperature. Greetings cards. You hoover around them, they all die.

Oh, one night the heating went, I got back the cards. Ruined. They'd wilted. Yeah, all the glitter had gone on them and stuff. What about those cards that have like, you know, they have a tie ribbon around the spine of the card. Oh, yeah. Why did they do that?

Well, it's the teddy bear as well. They love a teddy bear in there. I never liked that. Clutching a heart. Oh, yeah, they liked all that, yeah. But they still exist. But he didn't have a proper hand, the bear, because the heart formed part of the hands.

Oh, I never noticed that. Well, I've got very technical. I appreciate that. I thought she'd been born with one of his major organs on the outside of his body, but they'd saved him. And it was a celebration of that. That's what I always assumed. I saw that.

You see, you read into these things and, you know, of course we didn't have Google then. Did you just think it was a very specific form of car? Yeah, I thought there'd been a bear born, probably in like the Ukraine or something, with its heart on the outside. Very cruel. And they'd saved it.

And they said, well, this needs to be a memorial. And it was called the Daddy Bears because they didn't expect it to live. Daddy Bears. Yeah. Indeed. I wish I'd bought one now, looking back. Yeah, there's a logic, isn't there? Yeah.

I might just get an ordinary teddy bear and go to the butcher's and make my own. I mean, I think cuddly toy stroke awful is such a rare combo. I mean, there's a bit of me that would see that teddy nowadays and think, that heart could have gone in that haggis, you know. Yeah, exactly. What, could have gone in that bear?

If life had been kinder. That would be the first option, obviously. Yeah, that's what they were aiming for, the parents. You know, you have to make do with men sometimes in the bear birth world. I have another Edinburgh question. Go on. And here it is. Audiences clapping.

I don't mean, like, at the end of the show, as in, oh, well done. I mean audiences clapping, like... He's doing overhead clapping in another one by the set-up. We will rock you clapping. Or a circus show or a kids' show. Like, clapping time, has it ever helped any show ever? No, because they can't clap in time. Audiences cannot clap in time.

You realise there aren't three people in a thousand who can clap in time. I don't think they can, and I'm still wondering why it's going. Why is it... I imagine... I don't like at the end of musicals, Frank, when they come on for the bow and then the audience start clapping in time to the final number. That's because of exhaustion from just normal clapping.

I think clapping above your head is something you can only do if you're a footballer being substituted to thank the crowd. And also, think of the elephant man. He couldn't clap above his head. Oh, yeah. Is it right to rub that in? and also, you know, think of the elephant man. He couldn't clap above his head. Oh, yeah. Is it right to rub that in? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've actually heard about audience clapping along, which I was asking about, has it ever helped? Read the audience clap along. Kevin Rowland of Dexys.

Oh, yes. Formerly Dexys. Used to get the 120 boss with me. Did he? Yeah. Well, not with me, he was on the same top deck. Oh, right. He lived in Roodend.

He lived in Roodend? Did he? I can imagine you lived there. Yeah, with your act. You lived there throughout the 90s. In one of his many entertainingly arrogant moments, once halted one of their concerts and refused to continue because the crowd were clapping out of time.

So in that case, you could say the audience's rhythmic inadequacies actually improved things. Cheers, Andy Lloyd. Oh. That's good. Well, I saw him once and a girl screamed when he came on. Mm-hm. And they did the first song and stuff,

and then when he started talking, they screamed again. And he went, shh, shh, put his finger to his mouth. Did he? And I think he threatened then that he'd end the show if people kept screaming. Roland. Tray bomb. Kevin Roland loved, he favoured a dungaree sans top,

I seem to recall. Yes, he did, yeah. Which is an interesting choice. Yeah, like a Flintstone. Like a Flintstone. But there was, I mean to recall. Yes, he did, yeah. Which is an interesting choice. Yeah, like a Flintstone. Like a Flintstone. But there was, I mean, there are nine items or less banned, certainly. But the items they had, you know, Come On Eileen, it was brilliant.

It was a class E. You probably only took a minute. Gino. Jackie Wilson said Gino. They were good items. I saw them live a couple of times. I don't mean on the bus. I mean I saw them actually on stage.

I never seen them down road. I used to work down road. I ended up at the Pell Furniture. Pell Furniture. Can I help you? That wasn't my job. Can I help you? Can I help you? In other words, I'm one step away from calling

the police. I'd like to discuss Sean Connery this morning. We discussed Daniel Craig a lot on this show and let's face it, you've got Captain Beefheart with him because he stole your cleaner. Yeah, well I've sort of, I'm over it. I know, you've moved on, but this Bond

is a little less tricky tricky. Yes. Is he 87, Sean Connery? Is he? Yes, I believe over it. I know, you've moved on. But this Bond is a little less tricky-tricky. Yes. Is he 87, Sean Connery? Is he? Yes, I believe he is. Well, I don't know if you saw this story, but he was at the US Open, I believe, this week, and he was watching Federer,

and he got something rather lovely happened, which is that as he took his seat, they played the Bond theme. Brilliant. And what I liked about him is that he acknowledged it. He looked like he was really enjoying it. Did he pretend he had a gun, like I can see? He should have done that.

No, he had glasses on a lanyard, which I thought was a nice substitution. Oh, didn't he? He's joined. He's on the Generation Gay. Yeah, he's joined and he had a tartan flat cap as well. But, you know, even now, you saying that sent a slight tingle through me. The idea of him walking in and I'm playing the Bond thing. Yeah.

There's something really... I once stood back... I was interviewing Stephen Moffat in Edinburgh. The former, I think. Can I know? I think I suppose he is now. The former Doctor Who showrunner. And me and him were standing to go on

and they played, before the show, they played the Doctor Who showrunner. And me and him were standing to go on, and they played, before the show, they played the Doctor Who theme, which you may have heard. Yeah. And he turned to me, we were both standing there, he turned to me and said, it's absolutely brilliant, isn't it? And I said, yeah, it is.

I mean, we'd both heard it a few times. Yeah. But it was really, you just think, what a piece of music this is. So it's great. I love that story. I love that. But then having said that, Frank,

you have got a theme tune as well. Do you think he was shaken by it? Not stirred. Not stirred. Very good. Frank, I'm sure that when you've been on, let's say, the Alan Titchmar show or one of those, there's been the Laurie Holloway Orchestra have struck up.

I think I have come on on TV shows to that. It's certainly I am on my walking holiday. We stayed at a place called the Village Inn inn in in boratyn which is i would recommend to anyone and um they had elvis elvis was playing when i sat down to dinner i thought that's that's good so they had ready teddy and then um and then ring of fire johnny cash wow and i said this is my place isn't it just said, you know, just a job for you. Then they played Kraftwerk. No.

I said, oh, man, that's weird. So next morning, the manager told me he'd been through my Desert Island discs and put together a dinner playlist. That's nice. That's classy. I like that. Because I didn't get it, you see, so I didn't get a chance to do the acknowledgement.

What could I have done stood up no but that's great that you did it was it was brilliant i went to the circus once and they played three lions and and back home which was the theme to fantasy football the actual circus orchestra wow and of course when i went to the Doctor Who Experience, they put on the episode that I was in on in the shop, so it was on all the screens in the shop. So, you know, Sean Connery, Sean Schmonnery. But, no, it's lovely. I love that story.

I wonder who was the person who had that idea. Hey, let's put the Bond theme on. I like the fact that you went on a walking holiday and they played you walking music. Like, they set it up for you. It's a great touch. No, it was. Attention to detail.

That's what it's all about, catering. Wouldn't you say? Yeah. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So we've had some news in. Oh, yes.

Regarding cartoon characters and their clothing. OK. This is from 029. Hi, Frank. Just to say Yogi Bear and Boo Boo wore ties. I remember Yogi Bear. Yes. Just collars wore ties. I remember Yogi Bear. Yes. They're just collars and ties.

Yogi Bear wore like a boater, straw boater. He didn't have a tunic. No, he didn't. No, no, I think they just had collars. They were like, what were they called? The Chippendales. Yes. They had that kind of thing.

They didn't have cuffs. They didn't have the cuffs, no. But what was this obsession with dressing animals in ties? Well, otherwise they're on telly naked. Yeah, you can't have them on, they're buck naked. It's invasive. But I don't think the essential areas are covered. True, but it was always the same, wasn't it, with Donald Duck?

He was the top part of a naval outfit. Mickey had trousers in fairness. But as Malcolm Hardy, a comedian who's no longer with us, pointed out that when Donald Duck had a bath, he used to put a towel around him. Even though the rest of the

time, he was completely exposed down there. Well, I say completely exposed, he had featherage. Obviously. Yeah. Damien, the feather he had featherage, obviously. Yeah. Don't make me a featherage. We've also had a text. Hi, once saw Neil Young at Hammersmith Apollo. He sat at the piano and started to play

A Man Needs A Maid. The crowd started to clap. He stopped playing and turned to give everyone a withering look, said nothing. The applause trickled to a stop. He turned back and continued to play. It's amazing what people get away with in the way of crowds. I saw Anthony Quayle, the actor...

Oh, yes. ..in a play in Birmingham, and he walked on, and everyone applauded when he walked on, and he turned and glared at the audience. Absolute terrifying. We all shot up. Maxine has messaged... Well, she's tweeted us, I think.

Yeah, she's tweeted us. She says, can I help you? Yeah. In Yorkshire, we have, listen, love, either a term of endearment or about to kick off, depending on tone. Would you agree? Yeah, I would absolutely agree with that.

As a Merfield native? True that, yeah. I read that from Wikipedia that. As a Merfield native? True that, yeah. I read that from Wikipedia that you were from Merfield. Well, I'm not. I'm originally Scottish, but I grew up in Merfield, yeah. OK. Watch your... I want to get sucked into that whole area.

Watch your... What's my story? Do you have walk-on music when you do a gig? Oh, yeah. Oh, I hate this. You know when... Oh, terrible. No, no. No, no, no.

This is about me. I don't hate the question. OK. You know, I struggle with indecision. Oh, yes. It's one of my very few life failings. I feel a bit like when that woman said, can I help you?

I'm so intimidated I can't take a photo. Listen, love. Sometimes you do a gig where they ask in advance, like, what's your walk-on music going to be? And I get paralysed by indecision. I heard the, you know, the very tall Greg Davis comedian, I heard that he always goes on to... Heard of him? I've snogged him.

Oh, I'm sorry. When we'd run out of jokes yeah i heard i don't know from him um but i've heard that he always just goes on to i wish i was a little bit taller um which is great for him because he's six for eight yeah um i would love to just have a go-to song and never think about my walk on music again and as it is i've used several and i always agonize what did you use in edinburgh what i just got them to turn up whatever was on oh i didn't even pick listen when i did the chat show many years ago we used to have to i used to try and pick appropriate music for people when they came on which is that's quite a fun job though it is yeah you were good at

that we had alan jones on and he came on to it if you tolerate this then you're on. That's quite a fun job though. It is, yeah. You were good at that. We had Alan Jones on and he came on to it. If you tolerate this then you're totally okay. But I look back with some regret that Eddie Izzard came on to do Looks Like A Lady. Well, at least it wasn't Raspberry Beret. Missed the trick there, Frank.

It was pre. Pre-Beret. Pre-Beret. they always have on this morning they'll have if it's David Gandy or a good looking man it's always what a man

what a man what a mighty good man oh don't know that song oh yeah no no that's a good song or if there's like more than one of them they would play

the boys are back in town or something wouldn't they like did I tell you after I did the Parkinson show and he told me off did you have music for that then?

that would have been Laurie Holloway that was probably three lines exactly but after that because I was a bit miffed I've forgiven him now we had a lovely day at the Test Match since then

but for a few weeks I was really miffed about the fact he'd told me off. And so every time I watched Parkinson after that I would sing along with the theme tune, but I'd go da-da-da-da-da-da

da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da-da I'll tell you what I come on stage to nowadays is Nautilus by Anna Meredith. Do you know it? I'll play you what I come on stage to nowadays is Nautilus by Anna Meredith. Oh. Do you know it? No.

I'll play you a bit. This is my walk on music. I love it, but the audience look a little bit alarmed often. It's horrible. I love it. I can't wait to get out when it plays. To get out there on stage. It sounds like an alien's about to appear.

Yeah, it does have a sci-fi vibe. Some truth. Do you think? It's got a sci-fi vibe to it. It really sets me up for the whole thing. Does it? Well, if you love it, that's okay, darling. Thank you.

You're not the first woman who's said that to me. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. The producer did something earlier that you don't often see outside of a bad soap, which is she blew on her tea. I quite like that. Oh, I still do that. Is that a whatever happened to? I think that's still going. Is it? I quite like it.

It's quite theatrical the way she blew on it. I'll tell you what I could do. Why? I could say... People whose tea is a bit hot, so they put it in their saucer and drink it out of their saucer. I haven't seen anyone do that for 30 years. Yeah.

I haven't seen it since Comper. Did Comper used to do it? Yeah. We did it at home. Did you? Did you? And we only had one saucer. It's communal.

Right. And now you're a hygiene freak. I'd completely forgotten about that. Meanwhile, over at the US Open with Sean Connery. I wondered if Sean Connery might be the sort of bloke who didn't like

references to James Bond. You know how people get... Like when I was in a lift once with Ringo Starr, when I was about to interview him and he said, you're not going to go on and on about the Beatles, are you? No, no, I'm planning not to mention the Beatles. What else is there? I know, it's's difficult isn't it

you can't just talk about that bloke with a multi-coloured beard who he works with nowadays whoever that is I mean what have you talked to him about the weather the weather and the football I had a personal assistant who'd been Renata

John's personal assistant. Oh, yes, who's Elton John's ex-wife. Elton John's wife. Yeah. Yes. We didn't know. And he didn't know, that sounds a bit... And she said, oh, I once had to...

One of the jobs I had to do was organise the return of an artificial dinosaur. Enormous, let's say life-sized dinosaur that Elton had borrowed for a party. They had to get it back to Ringo Starr's house. Fibreglass. So a little insight to Shelby's world there. So you talked about that yeah perfect you know get that on capital

but I can agree I think Sean Connery has got a vibe of don't talk to me about Bond but then his little happy face yeah he looks happy maybe not maybe his vibe is I was arguably the best Bond

and now they're playing my music. That's great. I don't know if he thinks I was arguably the best Bond. Did the whole thing in a toupee as well? Good for him. Well, Daniel Craig, as we've said, that would be his nightmare. He said he'd like to be able to walk into a pub and people don't even notice him. Yeah, right. I bet that could be arranged. Right.

I don't get nice to you two. Well, we are. Should a time ever come when that happens, I think there's a very real possibility that he'll jump under a car. So, we'll see. Be careful what you wish for, DC. That's my advice.

I'll tell you something that heartened me this week. Heartened. Only last week, if you remember, I was saying how much I detest sex scenes in films. Oh, yeah. Any sort of, you know, bedroom shenanigans. Didn't you also go on one of your rants about sex scenes in books years ago?

I don't like them in books. I don't like them... He just said he specifically referred last week, and I've got to be honest, Sean Connery is somewhat guilty of this in his performances. Frank doesn't like the hand in the small of the back. I don't like the sheet, the bed sheet, which is very clearly sticky taped three-quarters of the way up the bomb slice.

Oh, yeah. I don't like that. Goodness me. It's not what life's like, is it? Bake-off's changed. If you're going to do it, then do it. Is that your motto? No, I don't think so, Vane.

I don't think you're allowed. Well, don't do it at all. You see, I saw Nicole Kidman live on stage in a thing called, I think it's called the Blue Room. I remember it. And she was naked. Very saucy. But she was naked, but she was naked in a sort of an arm here

and a sheet there and a stand behind a hat stand. And I think, oh, don't bother. Don't bother if you're going to be all... Well, I believe we're discussing the difference between nude and naked, aren't we? Oh. Are we? Yes.

If you're unfamiliar with that, then I can't help you. Look, I've seen films. I've seen films, I've seen films which featured the physicals, but they were a genre of film that they accepted that that's what they were about. Oh,

yeah. And they didn't, they didn't tread on the toes of other drama traditions like acting and plot. I said, well, leave that,

that's your, that's your, That's your ingredients. Leave it to the... So what I'm saying is leave it to the specialists. And don't have it in films where someone's got a sheet taped to their behind. I mean, I have left. I have left the room with a sheet stuck to my behind,

but it was completely unintentional. Frank, what about when they have... There's a knock at the door. This always happens. They're interrupted. The love scene is interrupted by a phone call or a knock at the door, and the man always says, there's a Richard Keyes hairy arm at the small of the back, and the man says, now, where were we? Oh, sickos.

What about when someone comes to the door, they get out of the bed, they've both got their pants on? What are you talking about? What's going on? What a complete waste of time. I'm totally with Bill Nighy on this. Not you, you'd just have your pyjama top on, innit?

I can honestly say... We should have an explainer. We should say, yeah, so Bill Nighy said he hates a love scene. Yeah, he's right. He described them as appalling, and he said smart people don't do them. Well, I've never seen them ad.

You get the odd film when it's all they're about, and they're rubbish films. Yeah. You know, my favourite bit of his interview was he said... He said, it's always a good day when you don't have to be romantic. That's what he said. Well, I don't mind it in life.

Which is the kind of comment that gets me in trouble domestically. But I would say that I am, as Anne Widdicombe once said of the former Conservative leader, Michael Howard, I have something of the naive about me. Oh, yeah. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Bill Nighy did give the impression that he was turning love scenes down. Yeah. I wonder how many he's getting offered. I mean, is he? Is he actually? Meow. No, no, I'm not having a go. I'm just genuinely wondering if he's getting those roles to come up. I don't know.

I know that, I think it was Fortitude. Oh, I've seen that, yeah. Everyone's contract said that they could, if they were asked to appear naked, they had to do so. Oh, my goodness. To be fair, that was my contract for this show. I know, but we haven, they had to do so. Oh, really? Goodness. To be fair, that was my contract for this show. I know, but we haven't got around to it yet, apart from that time. No, I did once on the webcam.

You did change it all. I forgot about the webcam. Yeah. Yeah, but it was just a bit of bra. Just a bit of bra, bro. Yeah. Yeah. All right, bro.

Of course, he stole my seat at a wedding once. Bill Nighy? Bill Nighy, yeah. Did he? Have you had interaction with everyone in the news? Is that how your life is? When you read the papers, you think oh, he's the guy that pushed in front of me at the spa when I was going to buy

milk. It's all people that you've dealt with. To be fair to Bill Nighy i i got up because um boz was a baby then he started crying a bit yeah so i got up to walk him you know in what you do to get him to stop crying and so when when when bill nye had arrived he saw the empty seat and went for it and i i thought well that's fair enough so. Oh, I see. But then he looked and he looked at me with the baby and he worked it out. And he went, have I took your seat? And I said, no, it's fine.

He said, no, no, no, come on, sit down. Now he wins. Oh, good. Doesn't like sex scenes and he gave me my seat back. That's great. I mean, there's not a lot wrong with Nighy right now. No. Maybe it's a problem because his name is a little bit like Nighty

it's a funny name isn't it they think bedroom scene sort of subliminally they're already placing him in a bedroom scene would you do a love scene Frank I've done a love scene live on stage when I had to bare my buttocks

oh is that for cooking yeah cooking with Elvis. Oh, cooking with Elvis, yeah. Yeah, I had a bit of a sweat rash week three. Was that the poster? Yeah, where you had the tortoise in front of your unmentionables. That's right, yeah. But that was complicated.

Your relationship with the tortoise? No, the sweat rash. Hashtag, it's complicated. You and the tortoise. Frank Skinner is no longer in a relationship with the tortoise. No, the sweat rash. Hashtag it's complicated. You and the tortoise. Frank Skinner is no longer in a relationship with the tortoise. The sweat rash gave me a sort of labouton kind of look around the bottom, so I had to be careful of the angle. Did you?

Yeah, it was very... It turns out I was reacting to the stuff they washed my stage gear with. Oh. This is a nice story, isn't it? Was there some powder or did they put some cream on it to just turn it down a bit? I was saving this for Piers Morgan. It's out there.

This is the bit where they close up on me and tears start... And you start crying. Tears start to appear in my eyes, remembering just how much it smarted. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We don't do much football news on this show,

but I think we need to discuss England newbie Harry Maguire. Harry Maguire, yeah. He didn't play, but he's had a bit of press coverage for turning up at the squad gathering

with with his stuff in a bin bag in a world of fancy luggage in a world in a world of fancy luggage

and men have Louis Vuitton man bags world of luggage there's probably a shop called that probably

one man stood alone I mean it's very tempting now to do some funny stuff about why do people buy luggage at airports? They do. Let's just leave that to one side and assume that it's been done. That feels like stand-up comedy. It has definitely, definitely been done.

I still like, though, some dicks that really feel like stand-up comedy. But it's funny. I mean, why do they do it? Have they all got all this stuff in their hands? Anyway. Listen, love. I love the fact that he turned up with his stuff in a bin bag. Has he been fired from somewhere?

No. I think he just saw a load of shin pads and I don't know what else. I'd like it if he'd have had the cardboard box with the angle poised lamp and the cards. A framed picture in there, yeah. Yeah, the slightly forlorn Newton's cradle with the balls all lying, balls got a bit knotted up in the hurry to get out of the office, the embarrassment. Oh, terrible.

So, yeah, and his mum was upset apparently. She sent him a text later saying, what's with the bags? Yeah. She sent him a text later saying, what's with the bags? Yeah. It's, I've met a few footballers, as you can imagine. Haven't we all, dear? If you meet them, yes.

I just mean met, though. And I, post-game, they've all got the little leather wash bag. It's quite a special little secret work. It's the Mandem bag. Because they shower more than most. Yeah. So I think it becomes quite a big ritual. No comment.

They don't have the big bath anymore. You wouldn't have liked to be a footballer in years gone by, would you? Would have picked the communal bath. Cluffy in the bath. No thanks. Oh, no. No, thanks. Not for Frank.

It's a tricky... I was glad, as far as I could tell, the bin bag he'd gone for... You know, as you know, I favour a bin bag for an eclipse. Perhaps that's why he'd read there'd been an eclipse in America and thought, I'll take a bin bag

and if there is one, I'll be all set. Just in case. I was glad he didn't go for... My least favourite bin bag, this would have been a good texting if we'd done it earlier, is the yellow drawstring bin bag. Oh, I couldn't agree more. Horrible.

On the quite white colours bag, the white plasticky bag. Oh, no, that's not even a bin bag, in my opinion. You don't even bring that into this room. It's like a swing bin liner is that what we're talking about? It's a ghost of a bin bag. Yeah. If a bin man died and came back

from the dead, that's what he'd be carrying one of us, along with his completely white bin man outfit. Why do you stand on the green? The drawstring bag looks a bit like I imagine Darth Vader's pyjama trousers are a bit like that. Well, that's my Halloween costume sorted. We'll never find out what Darth Vader sleeps in.

No. Although he's in a big water tank at one point. I hope he takes that hat off. He must have a nightstand for the outfit. I imagine the hat doubles as a bedside lamp. Night, good night, darling. It's like Mrs Vader. Mrs Vader's sat next to him reading by a lamplight, is she?

She's got a... I think he's more of a, listen, love. Vera Vader. Yeah. I favour a tote, as you know. You love a tote. I love a tote. I was going to say, Frank, if this had been Graham Lasseau,

it would have been a Daunt Books tote, because he was brains, as we know. I know, but he suffered for that. He read The Guardian once and then suffered. He'd have been ostracised. Mocked forever. I tell you what he'd have been, slaughtered. He'd have been ostracised.

Mocked forever. I'll tell you what he'd have been. Slaughtered. If Maguire had turned up with adorned books, or any local bookshop-based tote bag, he might as well have turned up in an elaborate ball gown. Yeah, yeah. The tabloid said that his mum gave him a yellow card for the bin bag.

I think the players would have given him a straight red for turning up with a bookshop bag. Oh, they would have given him a nightmare. Still, let's look on the bright side. The bag that he had was not on wheels. Let's respect him. I like it. I think the bin bag is what the fashion people call

the must-have bag. Because if you haven't got a Louis Vuitton bag, you can use a bin bag. But if you haven't got a Louis Vuitton bag, you can use a bin bag. But if you haven't got a bin bag, you can't use a Louis Vuitton bag. I see your logic. I thought we'd never get through that.

I think we got there. I think there is a logic to it, if you really work your way through it. If you play, it's alright. I'm going to download the podcast and listen to that again and see what I said, because I think there's wisdom in it. Well, he might play on Monday. Oh, yeah.

If he plays well, I don't care if he turns up in a Metropolitan Police body bag with his stuff in. Wow. That would be weird. That would be full-on weird. That would have got a bit of coverage. Are they actually the shape of a person body bags? If you just put his shin pads where the shins would be,

that would be weird. But this is a police body bag, so they've got legs and arms and stuff. The goalie's gloves in the hands. You know when they draw an outline round a body? It's like that if you get a flying V guitar? It's got the legs. Exactly like that.

Oh, I'm sorry if anyone's had body bag experience recently. It's never stopped me before. There's a handle like on the hip. Very cruel. Anyway. Very cruel. Harry cool. Anyway, Harry cool.

That could be another quote. No. Sorry, ruined it. Thank you so much for listening. Bring on the feathers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live

every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.