The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Very Science, 2016 and an alphabet review

Episode Date: November 3, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discussed Halloween costumes and in particular Mel B's. Also on the show Frank has been to visit Loch Ness and does a late review of the alphabet.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning Jim, morning Peter. Morning. Morning Richie. Morning everyone. We just had a bit of an incident actually in the studio

when Emily was giving a coffee in a coloured mug and Emily don't like coloured mugs. I just, it was, would you describe the colour as turquoise? Turquoise? I can never say that word. I like turquoise. Or a jade? No, I'm going to go teal.

It was teal. You don't want your coffee in teal. No, come on. But any coloured mug is out for you. Oh, it's borderline phobia. Is it? Please don't text in if you've got an actual phobia and you're upset with me.

Don't worry, they might want to. They might feel kinship. They'll be too frightened to text him. And coloured glasses don't get me started. You mean like tumblers? Yeah. As we used to call them. As opposed to Bono.

Yeah. Oh, yes, he likes a pink frame. He does. He loves a pink spectacle. You see, with... Why don't I like it, Frank? With a coloured glass the thing is with me

is a glass I don't think I've ever seen a glass that looked clean in my life and so I'd rather not know with a coloured glass

there is it covers a multitude as they say and God know I've covered a multitude in my time goodnight Vicar strange Vicar God Strange Vicar.

God, these cigarettes are killing me. Yeah. It was a bit upsetting. A collared mug. Does it not bother you? No. I think you said your mother-in-law had an issue, so maybe it's an age thing.

I think that my partner, Kath, doesn't like a collared mug. I think she bought a whole... There's a lot, Kath, doesn't like a collared mug. I think she There's a lot of things Kath doesn't like. No, because she's very germ conscious. There's all sort of things she won't do. Right. And

cigarettes, they're killing me. Now, there's some Yeah, she likes a white mug so she can see what's there. That's exactly it. I like to know what I'm drinking. I'll tell you, in food things, my main moment, I mean, to the point of that, is a hair in the food.

Oh, really? Oh, man, I just don't want the food if there's a hair in the food. You know, when you pull it out it's holding on to other bits of food like knots oh once I've had a hair

in my mouth I just want to go to bed for the rest of the day it's the most disgusting unusual choice of venue it's a good rule oh just talking about it

now he's giving me the no no no would you not go to a restaurant again if you found a hair in there, in the food? Would it make you feel a bit illy? I think I might go to the... It really puts me off eating, because I always think...

It's a bit like when you see a big spider in the house, you always think there'll be another one, because they travel in pairs, big spiders. I mean, can I just say, the bar is low, you know? I mean, I wouldn't want hair in the food, no? Would you want hair in the food? No, but it really makes me feel sick. There aren't many things that make me feel sick, let me tell you that.

Oh, have some coffee out of this teal mug, then. I'd be all right with it. I can take teal. OK. Claude used teal, I believe that was the name of the detective in the Saint books. There you are. We should all go. Even if you haven't laughed in that first link, you've learnt something.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Henna's from Gravesend has been in touch. Who? Henna? Henna's from Gravesend is one of our regulars. Yes, I always think it's going to be someone who Henna's from Gravesend. Do people still Henna or has that died out? You know that little ornamentation tattooing?

I believe that's true. Yeah, the producer's not in. I think you probably see it at the seaside. Festivals. Maybe festivals. You know where people think, oh, I'll be a bit different while I'm here. Maybe.

Henness has a whatever happened to. Oh, yeah. Morning Frank and the gang, whatever happened to, E numbers. It used to be a big palaver, whatever happened to palaver, but now they barely get a mention. What do you think about that?

I think he's right. I'm slightly killing this joke because of the context but one of my happiest moments was I was with a friend of mine in a restaurant not a restaurant, a supermarket same thing

supermarket in Birmingham I love that that's your idea of a restaurant I was just thinking of the pick and mix. We're in a supermarket, and you know when people are sort of pushing things in a supermarket, trying to sell things? And this woman said,

would you like to try some European processed cheese? And my mates had known as Tim and he eased it. That was a very fine joke. Anyway, yes, they have sort of disappeared. They've gone away to be replaced by other food-related worries, haven't they? Yeah, I'm going to give that a... They still exist, but we just don't talk about them anymore, obviously. Too busy talking about carbs or fats or good fats, aren't we now?

You are. Yeah, often. Yeah. Mr. Matt. I, in case you don't get that, Alan is a martial arts enthusiast. Yeah. I had a... enthusiast.

I had a... Whatever happened to pictures of celebrities in the newspaper reading that newspaper? Reading it in a way you never read a newspaper, so you're holding it very upright so they can read the title of the newspaper. There was a lovely one this morning,

Frank. It was one of all four Beatles. It was the Beatles, yeah. All reading, I think it was The Sunday Mirror or something. Yeah. And you have to look at it, you have to point at it like you never do when you read the newspaper, as you might do. Yeah.

But you have to look enthusiastic. You have to pose like you're in what I believe is called an agency stock photo of someone doing something. Man reading newspaper. Well, I posed for something like National Book Week. They said will you pose with a book reading a book. I was in this book shop doing it. So I said

okay I'll use David Baddiel's book thus giving publicity to a friend at the same time. Oh that's nice. So I held this book. It was new. I hadn't read it and I really laughed in the picture and Dave said to me that was nice but it's not really that kind of book. It was new. I hadn't read it and I really laughed in the picture. And Dave said to me, that was nice, but it's not really that kind of book.

Oh, I'm sorry, mate. I'm sorry I let you down. You should have sent me a place. I should have emailed him for a pricey. We just did a Whatever Happened To which is our recurring feature isn't it? I look forward to the day when we've stopped doing it

and we'll be able to further on do Whatever Happened To Well that sounds good We've had an email, Whatever Happened To and we'll be able to further on do whatever happened to whatever happened to. Well, that sounds good. Well, we've had an email, whatever happened to. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. WHT, whatever happened to. The phrase, oh, my giddy aunt,

as an exclamation to express shock, surprise or to replace an expletive. I woke the other morning and the expression was the first thing that came into my mind, which is odd, as is the statement itself. Who came up with this turn of phrase? Why choose an ant to express an emotion or convey an opinion? And why was she giddy? And why do you think the use of this statement has somehow disappeared? What was her demise?

Many thanks to you all. That's from Helen. I think the etymology is that Prince Charles used it first about the personal habits of the Princess Margaret. Oh, really? Yeah. Because I think she was quite fuelled. She was quite a giddy character. Oh, and what's that island they all went to?

Mystique. Mystique, yeah, with Roddy Luet. No, Mystique. What did I say? Mystique was Mystique, yeah, with Roddy Luet. No, Mystique. What did I say? Mystique was Alicia Dixon. Okay. Now that's where

she used to go, I think. Is this when you made up bits? Yes. Yeah, I thought so. Well, I don't think I'm making it up about...

I love your made up bits. You know what? Lies. Yeah, yeah. Look at it, it's having an enormous argument. Improvisations. I was having a massive row

with a woman in central London. Oh, hang on, I just want to settle down in my chair. I love these sort of stories. Oh, I'd been dating. The sort of row where people were at the windows of pubs watching us.

It was such a, oh God. So where were you, Frank? Were you in the street? I was, I don't know the name of any streets. Oh, God. So where were you, Frank? Were you in the street? I was... I don't know the name of any streets. Oh, OK. Was that what the row was about? It was just by Jay Sheeky's.

Oh, I know, exactly. The fish restaurant. Yes, I know the alley. And it was having a terrible split-up kind of a row. You split up with her in the alley? No, we didn't. It was a vile row. And I remember at one point a homeless man came up to me

and said, if I can levitate, will you give me 50 pence? I said, I'm having an enormous row. Anyway, we were mid-row. It was, you know, looking back, it was horrible. And Bart, I'd done a joke on telly that previous week. I don't know if you remember this, Princess Margaret had burnt her feet getting into a bath of boiling water. I made a reference to it only recently,

when you were off, yeah. Famous joke of yours. She burnt both her feet. Well, the joke was, how did she burn both of her feet? You know, you put one in and you think, what's that sizzling noise? So I had various suggestions about whether she vaulted in and stuff. You know what, people have never had a drink. Anyway, I did the joke and it was a stormer,

though I say it as shouldn't. Anyway, I'm in the middle of this row and a bloke comes down from Jay Sheik as he's pushing Princess Margaret in a wheelchair with both her feet heavily bandaged. And it's like I'm having a row and one of my jokes has gone past on wheels.

It's the weirdest thing. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I was driving in Scotland this week. Get about, don't you? And I had a hire car. And, uh...

Have you ever seen this on a hire car? Did you have a legal tender? What a hire car? Did you have a legal tender? What does that mean? Did you have a legal tender? Real money. Yeah, real money. I don't carry money. The princess Margaret. The car started

beeping and I looked down and the message on the dashboard was be vigilant. Oh. With no further explanation. Luckily, you were already in a superhero costume, though. But I don't really want life hacks from a car. I want, like, specific... I have no idea what it was talking about,

and it kept on telling me... Telling you to be vigilant. I am being vigilant, leave me alone, but it... Yeah. Have you ever heard of that before? No. Extraordinary. It was.

I was unsettled by it. Frank, we've just had a message in from Jim Davidson. Oh, yeah. You may remember he's been in touch. Yeah, he's been in touch before. But he's now been in touch to say my favourite comic. Of who? Me. Oh, that's brilliant.

Isn't that lovely? Nice. A bit harsh on me, Jim, but I'll take it. I mean, it might have been about you. It might have been about you, Em. Imagine if it was. That'd be my Martin McCutcheon moment. Or maybe he's just

put down this week's edition of The Beano. And he's just telling everyone. Maybe there'll be a picture of him pointing at the comic whilst he's reading it, Frank. Yeah, he says, my favourite comic. That's a lovely way to start the day. I am wonderful. You know, I was once with Jim Davison in the south of France.

And he had a fabulous Aston Martin car. He was very Jim Davison. He had a fabulous blonde companion and a fabulous Aston Martin car. But he had to start the car by hitting the starter motor with a sledgehammer. But he was still tootling around the south of France regardless. Oh, excellent.

That's lovely. So anyway, I'm in Scotland. Oh, yes. Come on, bring us back down to earth. And I went to Loch Ness. Being vigilant. Yeah, exactly. There's a monster on these shores, I'm having it. Well, I met a man who I think is the epitome. Being vigilant. Yeah, I thought, wait, exactly. There's a monster on these shores, I'm having it.

Well, I met a man who I think is the epitome of being vigilant. Do you know Steve Feltermith? No. Well, the bloke, he'd come up to me. I was on the shore at Loch Ness, and this bloke said to me, the last time I met you was on your chat show. You were interviewing me.

And I thought... How embarrassing, you didn't recognise me. No, I didn't recognise my business. But that was in the days... You know when you watch a TV chat show now, you're going to get, like, Christian Bale... Right. ..and Russell Howard and, you know, names.

He said to me, yeah, he said, it was me, Oleg Gordievsky, the bloke who defected from the KGB, and Myra Gale Lewis, the woman who married Jerry Lee Lewis when she was 13. It's like a Fellini movie. It's like a police evidence file. Yeah. Like when David Lynch was making chat shows yeah exactly so he said

I'm the bloke who who watches for the Loch Ness Monster oh and I did think whatever happens yeah

because it used to be spoken of a lot the Loch Ness Monster and it really obviously when you get to Scotland it does crop up I used to love when I was a kid that would be month, Sam. Really. Obviously, when you get to Scotland, it does crop up. I used to love...

Crops up in the gift shop. When I was a kid, that would be so exciting when you'd see those grainy pictures in the newspaper. Remember, it was like UFO pictures. Oh, yeah. Well, the surgeon's photograph, I think I've exposed on this show before, was actually taken by a gynaecologist.

But in the 30s, when it was taken, they didn't want to introduce the idea of a gynaecologist into the public forum so they called him a surgeon um i like one of the theories about that picture is that it was uh an elephant's trunk which is to me it's a bigger mystery than it being a sea serpent living there but Steve Feltom well I'll tell you about Steve Feltom Absolute

Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Can I just storm in? Go for it That's it No I'd like to storm in

with a well I would I to storm in with a... Well, I would say it's a questiony. Okay. This is from 793 Frank. Dear Frank Emily Cockrell, long time, first time. Love that. So far, so good.

Like it. How does Frank remember the details of all his anecdotes? A la Princess Margaret. Does his exceptionally large brain size have extra storage capacity? Well, it probably does. I think it is that.

I think most people would remember Princess Margaret in a wheelchair with bandaged feet as a feature of one of their anecdotes. The week after they've made a joke about it. You don't tell that story and think, oh, I forgot the Princess Margaret. So, yeah, I think that probably the remembering of those things

leads one into comedy, but I think remembering Princess Margaret in a wheelchair with bandaged feet, that's not a feat. No. Not a feat. No. Not a feat. No. It's an interesting illustration of two words

spelled differently and meaning different things. Feet. Feet and feet. Yeah. But thanks for joining in. Seven, nine, three, yeah. And I'll try and keep the standards up. So Steve Felton I was talking about.

Loch Ness. Do you know Steve Felton? No, but thanks for the tea. Okay, so... He wants to be careful in this day and age. He does. Well, I think it's historical. No, he didn't.

He didn't. Can I just say I love that you trailed the Steve Felton anecdote. Steve Felton has been... What he does, he lives in a converted mobile library at the side of... Lock up your daughters. And he... Ladies.

He looks for the lotless monster. That's what he does. In fact, he must have bought a car that said be vigilant and had his alvaric reactive vigilant but that's what he does is that not a job that with digital photography could now be done using a webcam well it's interesting I was talking to him outside his trailer

and I couldn't see a camera around and I thought he's been there. And I thought, if I was... He's been there since 1991. I thought, you know what? If I was looking... I think I'd keep a camera to hand. Yeah. You don't want to say,

actually, I saw the Loch Ness Monster really close up today. Hang on, is he... Since 1991, does he look like sort of one of the Happy Mondays? Has he got, like, really old-school fashion? He's quite a dashing character. But I've never been a fan of the pics or it didn't happen thing. But I think with the Loch Ness Monster, I probably do go into that.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This, the man on the lock. Yeah. The way he lives is that he makes models of the Loch Ness Monster and sells them. Because he was an artist, I think, before he did this.

Right. and sells them, because he was an artist, I think, before he did this. Right. And I was surprised to see that they were sort of, the sort of comic representation of... You know, whenever you see Nessie, as I believe, I don't know if it's a he or a she, so I'm going to call it it. We don't need to get restricted by gender with Nessie. No, okay.

She's gender-free. Whenever you see, buy one in a gift shop or something, they look like a viaduct. You know that thing of they go up and you can't quite work out as a swimming style how it works. Yeah. But there's a sort of very, I know you mean, there's a slight comedy representation of Nessie, isn't there?

Yeah, but I thought the real comedy would be is if he was on the side of the lock, having been there since 91, and he saw her once, and I think he saw her, I'm saying her, he saw her in 91, I think, or early 92, and he hasn't seen her since. It's a distant relationship what he should

be doing is selling models and the models should be like rough water with just a slightly dark

shape wouldn't that be I would have bought one of those just like a monument to the elusivity

of Leslie but instead they're the viaducts thing oh really are just like a monument to the elusivity of FLSC. But instead, they're the viaducts thing. Oh, really? You know, the sort of robbery viaduct. I mean, come on. Come on, guys. Anyway, what else? Sorry, the...

Have you not got any more Steve Felton information? That's all my Felton material out in the open. I mean, Dave has said, what if you distracted him when talking and he'd miss the monster? Well, I did think of that. 27 years wasted. Well, you could do that. You could look over his shoulder, talk to him and go,

hold on, and then when he looked around, go, oh. What a prank. Did you do that? Well, he did say that a 12-year-old girl was up there recently and she was only there a few hours and she took quite a decent photo of some girl from Leeds.

Oh, really? Best photo for a while. I love your new Nessie pals. That's got to stick in his craw a bit, hasn't it? If he's been there since 91 and then a 12-year-old does two hours there and gets a better picture than him. I know, it's a secret. How do you think I'll feel when they see these young comics?

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner with... Fools. No, it wasn't. This is Frank Skinner with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at frankontheradio,

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Them's your choices. Frank? Yeah? I haven't told you about my Halloween antics. Well, I'd want to know about that, because I should say that me and Emily usually go to the same Halloween party every year.

I'm calling it our date every year. But I was in the Western Isles. I felt a little bereft without you, I'm not going to lie. There's a little bereft there. But you never thought about me. I did. Were you wearing a little bereft without you. I'm not going to lie. A little bereft there. But you never thought about me. I did. Were you wearing a little bereft? I felt a bit Lee Ryan post-blue.

Oh. And it was fine. People were asking about my new album, Army of Lovers. But really, I could see on their faces... Was that the name of his album or was that what yours would be called mine and lee's as it turns out and i could see in their faces they were thinking oh this is all right but where's duncan james that's who we want i doubt a little bit

little bit um but it was you know it was it was great fun. I'll tell you what you missed, though, was there's something that Frank and I like to do together at about 10.30pm every Halloween. I don't know if you can recall what that is, Frank. Oh, it's a nice cup of tea. And everyone around is starting to go into oblivion. Yeah, we have a tea. We go in the kitchen and have a nice cup of tea.

That's good. Okay, so normally with Frank, that's fine. I'm allowed to do that because I'm protected by the cloak of celebrity. Oh, right. And I think that's why. People never seem to pick up on that when you have the tea. Haven't you got the cloak of celebrity now? Oh, my God.

I'm just so happy. I don't know what to do. Maybe yours is more of a chemise. It's a pashmina of celebrity now. Oh my God. I'm just so happy. I don't know what to do. Maybe yours is more of a chemise. It's a pashmina of celebrity. Oh, well, that'll do. But Frank...

The rap of celebrity. That's something very different. But what happened was that people were laughing at me about this tea. Oh.

I mean, someone said... Bullies. Someone said to me, oh, steady on, Grandma. Oh, no. Someone else, and see, I didn't like this. They got it wrong. The thing was, it was wine ruining. In a shrub. He was chatting me up. Another said, well, what is this, chimp's tea party? Oh. Firstly, that's very cruel. Yeah.

Secondly, you weren't even dressed as a chimp. But that's wrong, isn't it? Doesn't chimp's tea party mean it's chaotic? Yeah. But isn't also... Chimp's tea party. They used to have them at zoos as entertainment, but of course you can't do it now.

It's very cruel. Laughing at them, not with them apparently now. But they probably loved a nice cup of tea. I think a few of them got scolded. Oh, did they? They shouldn't have trusted them with the actual kettle. Did they give them actual tea? They prefer a rye bean. I don't know what they have,

but it used to be quite an attraction, didn't it? Well, I think they went a bit postal. You know why? They gave some blue mugs. Yeah. That's the problem. They didn't like the coloured mugs. They went a bit postal. You know why? They gave some blue mugs as a problem. They didn't like the coloured mugs. They prefer a white mug. So, Frank, I went as Villanelle from the Killing Eve TV show. Oh, yes.

Are you familiar with that? Oh, yes, and I saw the outfit. Did you like it? It's a lot. Is it chiffon? Is that what you'd call it? Organza. Oh, OK.

OK. I didn't think you were that excited. No, you look fantastic. Congratulations. What I like... In case you didn't see Killing Eve, it's about a female serial killer, and that's one of the... Spoiler alert.

I would describe it as a psychopath obsessed by fashion. How dare you? Actually, are you a serial killer if you're getting paid for it? Oh, no. Text in 8-12-15. Producer says no. She just shook her head. She really knew as well.

She looked it up recently. This is a thing I've Googled, just in case. She really knew as well. She looked it up recently. This is something I've Googled, just in case. Serial killer, brackets, unpaid, closed brackets on Wikipedia. It's interesting. That's a salary, salarial killer. I've got something else I want to ask you about Halloween.

Would you like to go to music now now or have I got time to ask you well let's ask the producer what do you think Daisy music oh she's got her moment she said it very quietly though see they're alright the Bat Room Boys but when the light turns their way

they crumble like a misplaced Jenga Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Jenga. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah. On Halloween, so there were some great costumes. I mean, I don't just want to read you out a list

of who you may have seen in the papers, but one of my favourites was Boris Becker oh now why i liked his costume he went as a vampire i mean it was it was fairly sort of you know regular vampire i think there were a few bloody fingers in his um and his hat his top hat but his footwear oh did he did he go all the way with footwear for a change no i, I'll tell you what he went. He went... Tennis shoes. He went black Reeboks. Oh, did he? He went ghost in Reeboks

as Alan, I think, called it. Excellent. And I thought, as he's a sportsman, I think it's okay. That is good. What's your take on that? Is that okay? Now and then he got them free. I think he was sponsored by Puma when he was a player. Oh, was he?

He might well have. I should say that we always talk about this show, about people who do fancy dress failing at the footwear, just giving up on the footwear and wearing anything with it. He didn't fail the footwear. Shirley Ballas. Oh, really? Shirley Ballas?

Yes. The cat woman she went as. I mean, it's not strictly Halloween but she looked great now all these things I mean I like my I was

I wasn't wired for Halloween but my son trick or treated and he went as a devil and I thought that's back to basics

that's what you want on Halloween because it is supposed to be horror related in some way horror or David Williams Ming the Merciless well I think that's fine you on on Halloween. Because it is supposed to be horror related in some way. Horror or... David Williams, Ming the Merciless. Well, I think that's fine.

I think that's fine. He's a bad guy. It's okay. He's a villain, yeah. He didn't actually tell us what footwear Shirley Ballas had on as Catwoman. Hang on. Kitten heels. Oh, wow. There we go. About ten minutes. I wondered why you'd ask that question.

Ten minutes it took me. She had a thigh-high boot. Oh, excellent. Of course she did. Did anyone go as the Loch Ness Monster? No. No. A monster trick.

Funnily enough, because it's not 1978. But you could go as the Loch Ness Monster, couldn't you? Yeah. Actually, maybe you, me and Kath could do that next year. I'll go as the Little End. We'll go as each vi Ness monster couldn't you yeah actually maybe you me and Kath could do that next year I'll go as the little

end we'll go as each viaduct section I'll go as viaduct three because I'm the smallest

and I'll wear I'll go but with a tartan scarf you know that thing always has the tartan scarf

Kath can be the middle section but he's a monster he qualifies. She or she. Oh, I think so.

They. Yeah. The LNM. Chris O'Dowd and his wife, I think she's, it's Dawn, her name is.

Can I say, it's just struck me that a lot of this monster is in alphabetical order. LNM. Yes. He could have been pulled out of the

centre of the alphabet. Strange observation. That observation you have when you're about five. You never hear it said about a lot this month, so I can't understand why. Breaking news.

I'm just thinking, you know that LNMOP is quite a key section when you're reciting the alphabet. Oh, yeah, that's true, yeah. If you saw him urinate, you'd go, LNMOP. Frank, I'd say LNMOP is the lighters-in-the-air moment of the alphabet song. The what song?

The lighters-in-the-air moment of the alphabet song. It's almost where they cease to be letters and they join together as sounds. L and M-R-P sounds like a word of its own. I think it's the sort of wonder wall. I think people go, As soon as that L approaches, I think, oh, I'm excited.

This is their greatest hit. I love it. It's a great thing, the alphabet. That might be the latest... A pause for the alphabet. That might be the latest review we've ever had on the show. The alphabet. Pretty, pretty good.

Looking good. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. we've had quite a lot of texting we've heard about the mistake that we made let's go to the here we go

yes I made a mistake when I got very excited about the fact that the Loch Ness Monster was in alphabetical order and that section of LNMOP because it's MNOP so having celebrated the alphabet I think I also I also paid respect to its difficulties.

Yes. The pitfalls. And thank you to 071-465-3390. Yes, thank you, everyone. 803, all of the people that have sent us that correction. But I have at last explained the mystery of the Loch Ness Monster. I think I said, I can't believe no one's ever pointed this out before. Oh.

And now I know why. It's not right. I can't believe that I didn't spot it, because I think I just got swept away by the jubilation of the moment. I know, I think I was... Me too. It was my exuberance. I loved it.

I don't consider myself normally a person that responds to peer pressure. No, you're not. The wisdom of crowds took over. Oh, yeah. Alan is not a man who's swept away. No. I know. Heavens no.

No. But, yes, I'm sorry I made a mistake. Okay. But if it was L.A. Man... You could do about anything, Frank. I can't say if it was. No, no, but if he was L.M.N. You could do that about anything, Frank. I can't say if it was. No, no, but if he was called Lot... If the alphabet was entirely different.

Do you remember Grandmaster Flash? Yeah. What about Lot Monster Ness? He could have been a great Scottish rap hero. He could. I bet you I'd go past some poster now on a wall with no pictures on saying DJ Miguel and Death Rites and it'll say Lock Monster Ness.

I bet somebody takes that name. We should say if anyone doesn't know, Frank is quite obsessed by those posters you see sometimes. No pictures. Never any pictures. Never pictures. What does it have, a date, Frank? I don't know. Does it have a date, even? It's an event, but I don't know what it is,

whether it's a gig, whether they're setting records. A quali. Yeah. It's just words. Yeah, exactly. I had an incident. DJ Minchin. Oh, yeah.

Who is it? Do people write past that and go, Oh, wow, Minchin's on? No, I've never heard of him. Here's a question. Yeah? Chris O'Dowd came as a whoopee cushion. What?

But he had eyeliner on. Oh. Why does a whoopee cushion have eyeliner? That's a good question. 8, 12, 15. That's a scary thought. I didn't get that. Unless that's just what he was wearing anyway.

The old joke, what if Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cush? You don't get those jokes anymore. I'm going to go whatever happened to that, Frank. Whoopi Goldberg and Gerard Depardieu, and it'd be Whoopi Duppidieu. Did you just make that up? No.

It's a joke. It exists. Okay. In fact, I think someone on the circuit might do it, so now I might be in trouble with the rest of my circuit colleagues

well not if they've taken it from the archive of age good point there was another one about it was Imri Varadi

remember Imri Varadi was a footballer at Sheffield Wednesday remember him no I'm sure his surname was

Varadi and somebody told sure his surname was Varady and somebody told me his wife was called Olive Oliverardi Oliverardi Oliverardi very good

it's not a joke you hear much now no it's not he didn't hear it a lot then to be honest the Frank Skinner

show on Absolute Radio back Saturday morning from 8 tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. So, what do you think about this? Because a couple of years ago,

because I fell into the trap that it doesn't have to be horror, you could just go as anyone who's recognisable. Oh, is this at the Ross's Halloween party? Yeah. So I was going to go as Eddie Izzard. Oh, yes. Because, you know, the pink beret has become a very recognisable... Very recognisable.

And I thought... This year, you were going to go as... No, no, it's been like a couple of years. It was Brexit time, but it was on telly a lot. I know, but imagine if someone came as you, Frank, for Halloween. I haven't had to Brexit. Who could go as me? I'm really hard to go as, because I'm not very had to Brexit. Who could go as me? I'm really hard to go as

because I'm not, you know, I'm not very distinct. The only person who could go as me is me. Then I think Jonathan would be upset

if I turned up as me. Maybe Graham Norton or Peter Capaldi. Yeah. Any of the Frankie lookalikes. Yeah, maybe. But because, you know,

they say, don't they, one of the tests of mega celebrity is like someone, actually it's not mega, it's a tests of mega celebrity is like someone... Actually, it's a certain type of celebrity, like you could go as Jed would. There's some people who are just distinctive.

And Eddie Izzard, he had the glasses, he had the black fingernails, and he had the pink beret. Yeah. So I was going to go for that, and Kat said to me, oh, no, don't go for that. She said, if Eddie says that,

I think he'll think that you're saying he's horror. Oh, yeah. And Kat said to me, oh, no, don't go. She said, if Eddie says that, I think he'll think that you're saying he's horror. Oh, yeah. And I said, oh. So I just didn't go. I love, oh. I can't even go dressed as someone I know to a Halloween horror party. It's annoying.

What has the world come to? It is annoying. Do you know, I've never found a context to wear that pink beret I bought online. That's how eBay works. So it sucks you in and then you've bought something. I know, I've never found the context to wear that pink beret I bought online. That's how eBay works, so it sucks you in and then you've bought something. I know, I've got it, but I never, sometimes I think, there's a couple of times

I've put it on to go out and thought, no, okay. Not for five a side. Do you know, Frank, I felt something ice cold down my back at one point, and I screamed, you know how I do, and it's very over the top, where I went, ah!

Yeah. And it was, do you know what it was? It was the zip of the arm of Professor Brian Cox's costume which was Space 1999. Oh.

Not horror. No, he goes to the space but that's his thing, he goes to the space thing I think. Yeah but that's like me going as Gareth Southgate. Yeah. You can't just go on someone you're sort of associated with. I like Alan saying above him, he's very science. He's very science.

He is very science. Even in fancy dresses, he's scientific. Yeah, you talk to him for a bit and you think, oh, he's a nice bloke. And then he says something about science and you think, oh, I don't want to listen to this at a party. I've never heard of that. Science at a party? He's joking. Imagine if at school you'd said to somebody, so I went to a party and we started talking about science

and I said, what? It would have been like the height of tedium. The most dull thing you could do would be at a party talking about science. Science is very popular now. Wouldn't the science people say stuff like

this whole party's because of science, Frank. I know that. In the 70s when we were more honest about it, we all acknowledged that science is a tedious subject and that the kids who did it was the kids, you know,

you didn't want to hang around with lots of acrylic fibres and bad skin. And now, of course, everyone's saying, oh, man, science. And I don't believe you. Stop. Just tell the truth. I'm glad it exists and I like the people interested in it. It's not one of the interesting subjects. And that in it. It's not one of the interesting subjects. And that's it. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I stayed in on the actual night of Halloween and gave out sweets to children from a box that had a head in it. My wife. A severed head? Yeah, she made a head out of her granny's teeth

and some hair that she chopped off a dog. That was a teeth? I thought you were going to say out of her granny. It's disgusting, but I sort of... So I ended up answering the door a lot because my kids were out doing their trick-or-treating and I had to say to kids that knocked on the door, oh, I've got some sweets,

but they're in the box with this scary head! And some of them were genuinely terrified by it. Can I just say, show, don't tell. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the thing. Yeah. Well, I was a little bit worried that they would be too afraid, but the night before it...

Sorry, I'll do like that Frank's giving you notes on your Halloween. I'll use it in 12 months' time, thank you. Did you dress up as anything yourself said he expects in the answer, no? No. To be honest. He's really hard on him, these Halloween things. I flirted with the idea of putting a bucket of sweets outside the house and not answering the door at all, which some people do.

You know, lazy people or people that are out, they just leave it there. You can't restrict how many sports people take. I'm sure that held you back. Surely the first trick or treat would just tip the whole bag into their... Exactly, that's what they're like. They're mercenaries. Weirdly, I'm such a health and safety nut, I worried about the candle being out there if I wasn't checking it every three minutes when the door went.

Oh, this is true. But the night before it, we went to a theatrical experience about a seance. My wife said, we should go to this scary show. It's the Manchester Royal Exchange. It's called The Seance.

And it ended up that there was four of us. I did a bit of stream crossing where there was different friends that didn't know each other. Some alive, some dead. Yeah. Our friend Susan said, oh, before we go, I could make us all fondue.

Steady on, love. I ended up sending a text message to my friend Graham saying, do you want to come to my house for fondue before we go to the seance? I thought, is this the real me? Is this Alan Cochran? What's happened to me? Can I just say, you're having fondue with Susan and Graham. He's looking at the Loch Ness Monster.

I'm the only one in 2016. Who's winning? That's what we want to know. 8, 12, 15. Did you say 2016? Did I say 2016? Yeah. Come on, Em. You've had a? Did I say 2016? Yeah. Yeah.

Come on, Em. You've had a hell of a Halloween. You're closing in on the present day. I mean, you're winning the race. Whatever happened to 2017? I mean, it's one thing. We've got the alphabet wrong and the year so far today. Yeah.

I can't. I'm so sorry. Oh, poor him. You know what they say? He doesn't know how day he is. Even worse. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, what about when I said it was 2016? I know. Not's a worry. And I was sort of putting you down as well, so I made a real fool of myself.

At least I corrected you. You did. Because when I got the alphabet wrong, you just left me to it. I got it wrong. I got swept away. By the way, when you mentioned Boris Becker, I was reminded,

obviously when Becker was a big tennis star, he got many accolades and many things were said about him. But I was just reading the other day, Andrew Motion said he was watching Wimbledon with Philip Larkin. And when Becker came on, he said, oh my God, he looks like the young W.H. Auden. And I thought, I bet not many people said that when they were watching me, but he actually does.

Yeah. So, anyway, you had a tremendous time. Oh, I absolutely loved it. I mean, I feel bad because I did, I obviously missed you enormously. It's okay, because I find those Miss You nights are the hardest. Ooh, those Miss You nights are the hardest. Ooh, those Miss You nights.

Cliff. I do find as well it's very useful with the young people. They do all your social media for you, Frank. Do they? Yeah. My god, kids with it. And I literally just hand them my phone. I said, do that. Oh, I wouldn't

hand anyone my phone, I don't think. OK. Oh, they do it great. They upload it. They might use it to buy space online. Space? Space. Space?

Not space. Not the Brian Cox space. Yeah, Brian Cox space. No, he's got enough space. He's space 1999. It's thanks to science we're all here, Frank. That's what they'd say. Was Peter Crouch there?

No. Does Peter Crouch Halloween ever think, maybe I won't do Skeleton this year? Do something different. Do you think it's hard for the Noel Fieldings?

What you could go was the snooker queue. I hadn't thought of that. Thanks. For your help. What about, what's that springy cheese cheese i can't remember what it's called no no i just said the name of a cheese it's like a cheese i just think it's like when i'm watching mastermind on their specialist thing i just just say. It's worked like twice in 20 years. It's very satisfying. Yeah.

Okay. Clochemel. What's that? Clochemel. I think Clochemel actually is a French novel about a public toilet. Oh, did you think it was a cheese? Yeah, I thought it was a cheese. You know when you're talking about hot beverages at Halloween?

Isn't that annoying when you're trying to think of a cheese and you say a French novel about a public toilet? I hate it when that happens. Anyway, sorry. We were talking about hot beverages. Hot beverages. And 229 agrees with us. I'm completely behind the Halloween party hot beverage.

At our work's Christmas party last year, I carried a nice cup of tea onto the dance floor. Dangerous. I was met with a mixture of ridicule and awe. I'll be doing the same this year. It's an absolute game changer. It's an absolute health and safety nightmare is what it is, 229. Shut up.

What if we find out 229's a chimpanzee? Explains the whole thing. You know, I got quite anxious when you said someone said it's like a chimp's tea party. I thought, can you still say chimp? Do you have to say chimpanzee the whole... Oh, do you? Yeah, yeah.

Why? It's cruel to Jim. Oh, I see. Cos you know you can't say anything now, can you? As we say in the West Midlands. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I wasn't happy with where I put the breaths in that but it's too late now. Again, how dare you. We can redo it. We could fix that in post as they say. We can't fix anything

in post. Nah. So you didn't have any Halloween celebration in the year of our Lord 2016. I did in 2016 but I didn't this year. I feel your pain after my Ed Sheeran, George Ezra confusion a couple of weeks ago. That's been haunting me.

Thank you to Susie329, who referred to it as accidental excellence. I'm really happy with that. That's what we set out for, isn't it? Not that deliberate excellence that everybody else is aiming at. We never do that. Never deliberate.'s what we set out for, isn't it? Not that deliberate excellence that everybody else is aiming at. We never do that. Never deliberate. Accidental excellence is...

Yeah, that's a good thing. So we were talking about my Halloween, your respective Halloweens. What about Mel B's Halloween? Interesting. Did you hear about this, Mel? Yes. She had fancy dress style beef, didn't she?

She threw shade. She threw Halloween shade. That's what they say. At Victoria Beckham. Did you see the costume, Frank? I did see her. Who is that? The boyfriend, the bloke who was with her.

She's not with the boyfriend. Rumoured boyfriend. No, that's not the boyfriend, that's her hairdresser. Yeah, he's rumoured as her boyfriend, which I found remarkable because I can barely manage talking to a hairdresser for the length of time of a haircut. Well, that's not the reason why I doubt that he's her boyfriend. He didn't say that, he just said I was in a match last night.

No, in case you didn't see, let me paint what they used to call in the West Bromwich Albion football programme, pen pictures. Oh, yeah. So there is Mel B wearing a little black dress. OK. Yeah. So far, so good. Then she's got like a white styrofoam mask on with a colour photocopy of Posh Spice stuck to it. And then she's got an axe.

Nothing to do, obviously, with Posh Spice. Not renowned for axe wielding. No. And on the axe, it says... Remind me what it says. It says, no, I'm not going on tour. Okay. So she's...

It's basically an hr crisis being aired in a public domain very public but then the um hairdresser let's call him gary madyatan gary madyatan oh yeah he's got to be from the North East. Gary, my young man. Good friend of Chris Ramsey's. He's also, I think he's got a, has he got an axe as well? He's got some kind of. He had a David Beckham shirt, didn't he? He had a David Beckham shirt back to front so that when he had his photo, you'd know who he was.

And a sign that said, please, please, please do it for the fans. Yeah. So she's basically saying, that's it, it's all over, I'm not going on tour. And he's on the other side of the argument. The problem is they look like placards rather than like an axe. Well, they were placards. Yeah, they look like they're going to a sort of a strike of some kind.

She hadn't even bought one of those celebrity cardboard masks. But she'd done a photocopy and stuck it to this other thing. It wasn't quite on at the edges. It was a bit, it was a similar sort of haphazard approach as the one you always refer to, Frank, when we see on the television sometimes they use the photocopies to talk about the newspapers. Oh, yes.

He doesn't like that. He doesn't like that. Come on, make some effort. It was so... It was just... I suppose it solved the problem of Posh Spice not going on tour. It's that Mel B can be

a sort of Alec Guinness figure playing all parts. She can come on and do her solos in a call of photocopies stuck to a white styrofoam. I think that's what it was. She was auditioning for the role of Mel B, of Posh Spice.

Put her wages up for the tour. Oh, yeah, two jobs. Not bad. They should have a different celebrity every night, like I've got here for you. Playing Posh Spice. I'd do it. If they said to me,

come into Posh Spice, ten grand. Posh Spice will be played by Len B. Urbick. What? As if they'd offer Frank Skinner £10,000. He really thinks he's going to get the offer.

£10,000, I'd do it. I'm on about, you know, we'd start at £10,000. Yeah. But yeah, I'd go and be Posh Spice

for a night at the NIA in Cardiff or something like that. If you wouldn't get that. You might get Birmingham. Yeah, I'd go and be posh boys for a night at the NIA in Cardiff or something like that if there is one. You wouldn't get that. You might get Birmingham. Yeah, I might get Birmingham. That'd be big news. But yeah, I'd go and be posh boys.

If they can't afford ten for Frank, I'll do it for half of that if any of the bookers are listening. Well, thanks. I'm the only one who's ruled out here. How many solo... Female brunette. How many solo hits did she have one or two

there was this tune's gonna punish her I remember that one I don't know that one I'd say there was four maybe three and I'd come on

and do that join in with the other songs and maybe design a nice frock on stage I tell you what get a fan on stage and design an outfit

for them. I think that's a good idea. Call the photocopies, obviously. Just Mel B will do them. They're 4p each. What I would say about you, Frank Skinner, you've got the legs for it. Well, there you go.

There you go. Lovely legs. It's all right when I say it. There's the answer, I think, to the... Am I right that Mel C's not going as well, or is that been resolved? No, they're all going except for Victoria Beckham. Yeah. Well, I don't get it.

No. It's almost as if she's so financially comfortable that she can not go. Yeah. But the others can't be short, can they? I don't know. I don't know about that. Mind you, judging by the Halloween outfit, Mel B's... She's not spending any money on that lot.

What's that word? Honoronkers. Is that what they used to say? Have you seen Honoronkers? Is that what they used to say? Honoronkers? No, no one said that. Honoroppers, yeah. Honoroppers? I don't know. 8, 12, 15. What are we used to say? On her onkers? No, no one said that. On her uppers, yeah. On her uppers?

I don't know. 8, 12, 15. What are we trying to say? She's on her uppers. If you're on your uppers. Why can't we speak this morning? If you're on your uppers, does it mean that you've worn through the soles of your shoes

and you're through to the upper? Exactly right. Well done. By the time we get to 2018, we'll be able to talk properly. They'll have talked around by then. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Mel B made a point of tweeting afterwards. Did you see this? I think it's Instagram. They're more Instagram, these people, aren't they? They don't like to write things. These people. Did she say something like, it's all just balance? I love... No Instagram. They're more Instagram, these people, aren't they? They don't like to write things. These people.

Did she say something like, it's all just balance? I love... No. I'll tell you what she said. She said, me and Aunt Gary never laughed so much. Hashtag living my best life. Hashtag belly laughs. Do you think some of that was...

Do you think some of that was her making fun of people that put hashtags like living my hashtags like, No. No. No. Oh. She should have put an axe tag. Okay. Because she had an axe. Yes, to grind.

Well, she's holding an axe. I think that's just what you do when you say, I've never laughed so much in my life. I don't know. Halloween is the time to use the hashtag, I think it's when you think I have been profoundly humiliated. I'm going to say I've never laughed so much in my life.

Yeah, it's been great. Or I was in such a state I never laughed so much because I didn't know what was happening. Yeah, yeah. I can't believe she won't be unhappy when she looks back on this decision. Also, I tell you what. This decision.

I would love to have been at this. This is Heidi Klum's party. Heidi Klum. Heidi Klum had prosthetics done to look like the princess from Shrek. She's probably in the chair for four hours and then she should come in but Mel B and her hairdresser

with a colour photo copy stuck to a styrofoam mask and a football shirt on the wrong way around so you know who it was. Well, thanks. Was ist das? This is the effort you make?

You know, I'm German. I don't like sloppiness. She will never be invited to Heidi Klum's party again, I tell you. Do you think that's it for her? I mean, what's going to be next year? A black and white photocopy of somebody? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm dead sorry, but the colour print has been repossessed.

I mean, poor Heidi Klopp absolutely pushed the button. She didn't even go for the nylon vampire cape with the four foldeds in it. You know when it just come out of the plastic? She didn't even go for that. She didn't even have one of those outfits when the shoes are part of the trousers and there's like an elastic bit underneath. Oh, those. I mean, she just turned

up like it was a children in need event. It was Heidi Klum's Halloween party. Heidi Klum had got prosthetics. I mean, I had a dressmaker for Jonathan Ross's. There you go. Quote of the year. If I do say so myself. I had a dressmaker for Jonathan Ross's did you? well there you go quote of the year

if I do say so myself I make an effort no but I had someone Russell Meece these people make a lot of effort and so an axe go and axe

as Posh Spice you know Posh Spice often has a medieval execution as axe in publicity pictures also the dress she chose it was just a plain black dress. Yeah.

Well, come on, you could have gone more iconic. I think she was famous for the little black dress, wasn't she? She was, but still. I'm just saying, as part of the make an effort. Yes, well, she looked great in a little black dress, but the not-quite-properly-stuck-on colour photocopy raggedly cut

out face mask oh Heidi I bet Heidi has already crossed her off next year's list I liked it when Heidi was it last year Frank or a few years ago when the most she went to her own Halloween parties the most horrific thing she could think

of was someone old. Is that what she did? She had prosthetics, didn't she, to look old. Brilliant. She's missing a chance. She'll look back on being the less attractive princess and thinking, you know, I should have filled my boots while I still had it on. See, I think she went the other way.

If you're going to just do full prosthetics and stuff, it's not really a party anymore. It's somebody just saying, I've got access to professional make-up. Yeah. Three money, are they? That's me. They'll blow it with a football shirt on the wrong way round,

just in case you've got any doubt. Well, of course I've got doubt, so you are. You've got a blonde wig on. I'm supposed to say, oh, David Beckham. I was wondering, why couldn't they have typed it? Couldn't they have written it on, even if they can't afford a computer, a word processor, an Amstrad maybe?

Just write it, print it. Don't write it in biro on the cardboard sign. I bet she'd come straight from the bingo. Out of time. We're talking about Halloween. Did you also see the Kardashians? You know, there's an example of not buying into the horror theme necessarily. Well, they went as Victoria's Secret Angels.

Yeah. One of them is called Kendall. I mean, how you could miss a trick and not go as Kendall Minkay. Yeah, that'd be a great. Be a fancy dress. That'd be a bit like the Boilerman. It'd be angular. Very angular.

Do they sponsor a football team? Oh, I'd love it if they did. Who, Kendall Minkay? Yeah, should do it. Kardashians. What if they sponsor a football team? Oh, I'd love it if they did. Who, Kendall Minko? Yeah, should do it. Kardashians. What if they sponsored Hartlepool? Yeah, yeah. It'd be a lovely gesture from them to put some of their money back into grassroots.

Yeah. But one of them, we should say, is an actual Victoria's Secret angel. Oh, I didn't know that. Kendall, I believe it is. I think she is. She just got a load of the gear when she was on? They got it sent over.

But that is like you and Alan turning up just with a mic strapped to you, to your neck, isn't it? Well, also... And as myself. They got free costumes from... They actually spent less than Mel B did. On their... Who'd have thought that was possible?

And also, do you believe that Victoria's Secret they found out and said can we have free costumes and they said

yeah wouldn't a Kardashian say we'll go as Victoria's Secret girls if you give us 8 million dollars

yeah I'm sure some money changed hands maybe not 8 but some some money changed hands I just wish half a mile, maybe not eight, but some dollars. Some money changed hands. I just wish.

I know there was very sort of, I think they're interested in exposure in all kinds of ways. The Kardashians. Yeah, I always think that she should get a phone company and change her name. Do you remember when Maria Sharapova was going to change her name to Maria Sugarpova to advertise her own sweets? I do not

remember that. Yeah, there was some problems. Some of the tennis things and they wouldn't use the new name. Yeah, they got upset. She was so upset she took an illegal substance. That's right. That's the response that all professional athletes would go for, isn't it?

The first of commercial... But if she went to say O2 and said, I'm going to change my name to Simcard Ashiyan. That is good. Wouldn't they hoover her up, I would say? I would imagine so. I just think when they're sitting around, the Kardashian ladies, and one of them says, what we're going to wear for Halloween,

and the other one says what about going as Victoria's Secret models? Yeah. Doesn't one of them say, don't you think that we're slightly up-fronting a sort of a cynical approach to getting in the papers? I don't want people to think we're choosing our outfit just to get coverage. Yeah. And Kim says, no one's going to think that.

No. Relax. I just, is this why Emily Davidson jumped in front of the King's Hall? So the Kardashians could dress like that. Well, I also think it is strange, isn't it? The idea of saying, what are you going to go as? I'm going to go as a supermodel. I mean, that's all well and good, but have a sense of humor love yeah it's halloween have a

laugh look they're lovely ladies i'm not denying that um yeah but i i do feel exhausted when i look at them i find it exhausting i think yeah well you do for different reasons I think the contouring, the nails, the hair. I'm so exhausted when I'm finished looking at it. Oh, no, no, come on. What happened there? I'm sorry, everyone. He's a lad. He's a lad. I'm going to have to kill him. That's your fourth one this morning.

I just think, yeah, there's a lot to do. There's a lot to do. My view on the Kardashians, I remember someone tried to put them in on Room 101, and my view has always been the talented people have had their own way long enough. It's about time the other people got a bit of a limelight. So share and share alike.

My problem with this story was mainly the misnomer that is Victoria's secret. Seems to be one of the most publicity-seeking companies ever. Well, exactly. Not very secretive at all. And also, the outfits are hardly secret. No. No.

You see someone in one of those outfits and you think, well, you know, it's like when you see a very long trailer of a film and you say, well, I feel like I've seen it now. The secret's out. We've had an email. Once went to an 80s fancy dress party with four printed circuit pictures stuck on me via Pritt stick. One on each leg, one on my left temple and the last on my right arm. During the party, one of them

fell off my leg, so I started running round in circles. I don't know. I don't really. I don't know what I... I don't get it. What does it all... Am I really missing something? What does it all mean? Circuit. As in, like, the circuit you get when you pull a radio apart. Maybe.

You read it out. Yeah, I think I read it out because I wanted you guys to say, this is what this means. Well, we've let you down. Sorry about that. So I get one on the temple. Yeah.

Read it again. I once went to an 80s fancy dress party with four printed circuit pictures stuck on me via Pritt stick one on each leg one on my left temple and the last on my right arm during the party one of them fell off my leg

so I started running around in circles so maybe they were trying to create like a robot vibe like Tron or something the thing is if we're struggling I mean with a lengthy description I think it might I'm worried about the impact it would have had

this costume. Yeah I'm worried about the impact it's had on our listening figures. Next! Well, if you think that costume sounded disappointing Kim Kardashian, she had a Halloween costume fail.

Did she? Did she? A fail is when obviously no one recognises who you're dressed as. She came as... I thought Kim Kardashian went to save Victoria's Secret.

You thought right, my friend. Then, at a later point in the evening... No way. She went home and she changed. And she got into another costume. Well. Great use of well. And she went as Pamela Anderson.

And her friend Jonathan Chiban went as Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee objected to it afterwards, may I say. Did he? He said, my culture is not your costume. Oh, a political correctness zing. Can we have a discussion about Tommy Lee's culture? What is Tommy Lee's culture? I thought he was Psalms' culture.

Also, how do you think Noel Fielding feels every Halloween? Yeah. But yeah, and no one recognised her. So it's not dissimilar to Mel B and her hairdresser going as another couple. Yeah. What do you think she chose Pamela Anderson? It's a bit retro.

Have they had some sort of spat? She said no one recognised her and she got very upset. Well, I think if Pamela Anderson went herself, no one would recognise her. So she was hoping a bit. No one recognised her and she got very upset. Well, I think if Pamela Anderson went herself, no one would recognise her. So she was hoping a bit. Yeah. Is she a big fan of Baywatch,

this Kim Kardashian figure that we... I doubt it. She doesn't have time. No. They don't watch telly, these people. They're constantly on telly, aren't they? They're not like Frank. They haven't got time to sit there and watch Merlin. No, they're all God's children.

Just remember that. Or most of them. Some of them, obviously, have been added. But they're basically cybermen. But they look lovely. Lovely girls. I bet they have some laughs when they're all together. Do you reckon

do you think you know the Victoria's Secret they're dressed as angels yeah does God say my culture isn't what you'll cost Jim I think so

that would be that would be a very reasonable you could say that Frank you could say that yeah it's your culture isn't it yeah exactly

I actually believe in angels like the real ones what are you laughing at that I bet he's I bet he's at the angels. Like the real ones. What are you laughing at? That. I bet he's at the martial arts doing all the

what's that thing? Namaste and all that stuff. Of course he's too scared to tell the big boys that he doesn't believe in it. And then he comes here with a poor 61 year old man who's had pneumonia and suddenly he's the head honcho. And then he comes here with a poor 61-year-old man who's had pneumonia and suddenly he's the head honcho.

We've got an answer to that email that I read out a moment ago about the person going round in circles because part of the circuit had fallen off. Oh, yeah, we were confused about the costume. We were just a bit confused. We didn't understand it. Which is why I read it and I realise now I shouldn't have. 80s, one on each leg, one arm, one eye.

Think $6 million man and why one fast and one slow leg might send you running in circles. It all makes... I forgot the particular whereabouts of his repairs. Oh. The Steve Austin, the bionic man. We forget his, but you don't... You didn't forget where the Hulk had his repairs.

No. Which was the waistband of the jeans shorts. Do you remember Bionic Woman as well? Do I remember her? What was her name? Lindsay Wagner? Yeah. Loved her. Lovely. Frank, I don't know if you'll like me to read this out.

I don't know if I want to go out with someone I have to leave on charge. I don't know if you'll want me to read this out, but I'm going to anyway, because I really like it, and I believe it to be true. This is from Bruce Smallmighty. In a broadly secular culture, I admire Frank's combination of openness about his religious beliefs while handling them with a light touch.

Bravo, Frank. I believe in angels too. And may I say me too. Even though I giggled, I am a secularist and I do believe that it's fine for people to believe what they want. I also believe that it's fine for us to chat about it. Right.

But it's that email from Agnetha Falstaff. Yeah, exactly. I believe in angels. Come on, everyone at home. Something new in everything. Are we good? No, OK, don't. They were always rubbish when I was at school.

Everyone said they were rubbish. Now they're much loved. Yeah. Why so many? Why so many things? Yeah, like so many groups in society. Yeah. That's progress.

That's progress, girls. You've done well. You've done well for yourselves. I want to take that Bruce Smallmighty thing back now. They've gone off you. Come on, ladies. Oh, dear. This is what happens when Jim Davidson takes in,

brings out the worst in me. Friend of the show now. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Do you ride any more at M? Not very often. I do occasionally.

After my last fall, I got a little frightened. I rode this week. How did you find it? On a Highland Pony. God, the width on it. It was like sitting on a sofa with a buttock on each arm. Did you enjoy it? It was too wide for me.

I've never been... I couldn't decide which way it was facing. Yes, they are wide, aren't they? Oh, God, they feel like Jean-Claude Van Damme doing the splits on two chairs. It was like that. It was like doing the... I was very separated, I must say.

Yes, you've got to get the right horse. That's not right for you. That's a rule I live by. If I'd have had a mobile phone on each ankle, the coverage would have reached each other. That's so far apart. Why does he say mobile phone? It's one of the many weird empathies that he goes for.

Cell phone. Thank you so much for listening this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the cricks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Be seeing you. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.