The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Voting Pencils

Episode Date: December 3, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Divine Miss Em and the Cockerel and he needs magic tricks from the readers. The team talk nits, Ed Sheeran and there's a mysterious disappearance.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm not with Modern Times. No, no siree. I'm with Emily Dean and Aaron Cochran. Oh, I see. Hi Frank. Hello. You can text our little show on 81215. You can follow it on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio,

or email it via the Absolute Radio webbo. Yeah. So there you go. You've got a hair on your shoulder that's really catching the light there, Frank. Just right on your cardigan. There it is. Charlie's just lifted it off.

As a fashion correspondent, I'd like to check this out for myself. It's gone now, thank you. A lot of men my age would kill for a hair on their shoulder. Yeah. You boys are both looking very autumnal. Aren't we? Yeah, I'd say that's a Christmas jumper that the cockerel's got. It's definitely borderline.

Borderline. Come on, everybody. I think I'm going to lose my... Creepy remix. Yeah, creepy remixes. That's the new album I'm bringing out this Christmas. That would be a big seller. It's getting hot in here, so...

That's the opening track. I've heard enough of that one. Who's that lady? Sexy. Absolutely wild. Anyway, enough of that. We still on? Who's that lady? Sexy. Absolutely vile. Anyway, enough of that. We're still on? We're still on.

We're just about still on. A lot of drivers have gone back to magic. They experimented for a second. They've gone back to magic. I want to ask you a question, right? Oh, I love a question. Would you say generally when you shop, I think I know what Emily's going to say to this.

Would you say that you go top end when you buy something, or would you go mid-range? Well, what sort of product are we talking? Hang on, Al, I'll handle this. I'll give you a bar example. That's not an example that my dad gave me. It's a bit of French. Say if you were buying shampoo,

would you go for the 50 quid shampoo or the 25 quid shampoo or the 3 quid shampoo? Oh, 50 quid's pushing it a bit. I mean, I'm not Donald Trump. I would say I'd go... You are. In a way, we all are. I'm not sure how much he's spending on shampoo, just for the reference.

I think some of that's assisted, isn't it? Oh, yes, OK. I'm a big believer in the old adage, if it is an old adage, I've maybe just made that up, but buy cheap, buy twice. Excellent. Oh, OK. So I think if you make that investment early on, is this leading to a story where...

It is, it's leading to a purchase I made yesterday. OK, can we just check in with Alan, please? How's your... I think we know the answer to this one, Frank. I think shampoo is a good example because you just... Regardless of cost, you buy the ones that you actually like if you've got a favourite. I'm a fan of Old Spice shower gel.

I just am. Get over it, guys. Okay, that's fair enough. I would buy that even if, let's say, tea tree was reduced. I would ignore the reduction and I would get the one that I like. Well, here's the thing.

I'll cut to the chaise, as they say in the furniture industry. I got to use that once in a shop. I was actually buying a chaise lounge. Oh, good. And we were talking about sofas. That's why you were buying it, just so you could say that. And I said to the woman, let's cut to the chaise. She didn't get it.

Nothing. Anyway, I was in the chemist and what's happened is they've got... I had an email. Footballers' tents? I had to... Yeah, I've looked up. What's happened? I've looked up. I've seen him. No, I was in the chemist and I'd had an email from Boz's school

saying that there'd been an outbreak of head lice. So I went in to the chemist to get a knit comb. Oh. And the woman actually said to me, I spared a selection, and I said, what have you got? She said, well, these are good. She said, but these, I'll be quite honest with her. She said, this is the Rolls Royce of knit comb.

No. Oh, thank. Oh, man, and you could see it was sleek. Did you feel quite bling and gee? It was, um, it was 12 quid. Did you have it? I had to have it. Imagine if there was a rapper song.

My car, my crib, my Nick Cone. I'd love that. Yeah, got 99 problems, but my Nick Cone. Ain't one. That would be brilliant. I mean, I usually use a Toblerone, but now they've changed the thing. Hey, do you know what a crank? It's too broad in the tooth gap.

Sorry for this little, well, it's not an irrelevance, because I've got trainers, and I'm going to show you what they say on them. On one foot it says 99, the other it says problems. Oh. Yeah, OK. Well, you've got fancy trainers. I've got a brand-new knit comb. What am I bringing to the party?

I've got a brand-new knit comb. Is this on? I'll be using that. Slightly less creepy than your earlier offering as a singer. I've bought knit shampoo from that very... If it's the chemist not far from you, I've bought knit shampoo from there a few times. I didn't go to the one near me.

Don't want you to only get the knit comb local. The stigma. No, don't knit on your own doorstep, as they say. What about when I was on holiday with a boyfriend and I had knit? Oh, no. And I had to go into the chemist, and it was a Spanish chemist,

and I was trying to communicate by tapping my hair and doing a sort of... And then he realised. And then I think the... Let's call the boyfriend the victim at the time realised, because he said, well, you did come back with a big bottle with a beetle on it. Wow. You'd have to say Elnitz or something, wouldn't you? Elnitz.

They'd have got that. Yeah. Yeah, a little tip. It's, um, how many people at home are slightly scratching? I don't know. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Was everything all right with the knits? Well, I haven't seen any yet.

I've bought it as a precautionary measure. I mean, even knits... I asked because Kath has invited me round this weekend, so... Oh, well, if we see anything, wear a shower cap. OK. Now, I think they might draw the line at gingers. They should have left them alone. Do you think so?

I don't. I think they think, oh, no, come on. Yeah. I hope so. He's got a lot of hair and it's all curly and stuff. It's going to be... He's going to have to have a night in with a knit coat. Right, yeah, a bit of chore.

I'd say his hair is very romantic in the literary sense. Yes. We used to have a woman who was known in the West Midlands as the Knitnoss, who used to come. And we had to go into a room and she'd look through our hair. And then it was all done very discreetly, so you went in on your own, so no one knew if you had knits. And then they used to send round the class and say, can the following children go back to the Knitnoss? And obviously, why would they be going back? So

we were exposed. I'm scratching my head now, we'd better talk about something else. Celebrity Head Lice, of course, probably that could be a little eBay outlet. Oh, you think? I was thinking that could be a series. Celebrity Head Lice? You know they always say, have you heard this, Al,

that they say, oh, they go for clean hair? Is that what they say to make the children and the parents feel better? Or is there some truth in that? If any nit-nosses are listening, I'd like to know. There'll be a nit-noss listening, I should think. I don't think it's true. Do you not? I'm going to go out on a limb and say I think they go for longer hair.

I think they were very common amongst the Victorian poor in London who I would be surprised if they were going for the top range shampoo. Yeah. Not in Dickens. In Dickens they were Vosine, most of them if I remember.

They're not using, my current one is Tamara Eccleston's shampoo. Is that right? Strange choice, but I like it. Are you using it like there's no Tamara? Yeah. I suppose you're using it like there's very much a Tamara. I'd forgot about Tamara.

Is Tamara Eccleston related to Bernie Eccleston? It's Bernie's daughter. Yeah. What you talking about, Willis? Yep. Is he? Shut up. I went round to her house once and she said,

I said, oh, I love your pool. She went, yeah, I know, I always forget I have it. It was an indoor pool. That's amazing. Didn't I always forget I have that? I loved her, Natch. And Christopher. He was basically my hero. Is Christopher Eccleston her brother?

No. Oh. He's not. I was starting to think of all the Ecclestons. They're all related. I put all my Ecclestons in one basket. Oh, I see what I was doing, yeah. Like a fool.

Oh, are you? I'm going to give that one more laugh. I'm sorry. I love it. Christopher Eccleston would be a difficult, sullen child in that family. He's not going to work in that house, turning up in some student leather jacket,

the Rada Grant. It's not going to happen, darling. No, no. He recently did a thing about how the middle class have benefited in acting and stuff. Oh, wow. So, no, he'd be furious, sullen. He'd be a Heathcliff figure in the Eccleston and Bernie

who's basically all like a sort of he's like a travel man he's like a smaller version that you can carry around to fly around the world yeah interesting hairdo now that's a real I've got one hairdo and I'm sticking to it over the centuries

yeah Bernie I like I've got a Yeah. Yeah, I like... I've got a soft spot for Bernie. I like the short. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. I think they're all right, the short, generally.

Although I can't watch the gymnast on Strictly, the short dancer. She's really short. What sort of size... She's good. She's about 4'10". Yeah. I can't... I don't think she's shorter than that, Frank.

She's 4'8", or something, isn't she? No, she can't be 4'8". I think she is. No. I don't know what the cut-off point is. What's her name again? What's the glass ceiling? What's the glass ceiling for...

Anyway. Okay. Music. Okay. I'm getting edgy about this, the way this is going. I'm got hot. Doing that thing on my hands that women do. Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Surely not. There must be some mistake. We've had a text from the outside world. 8-12-15 is the number if anybody's considering communicating with us. Nice work. Oh, that was lovely. I really felt part of a professional organisation there. Morning, Frank, Em and Alan.

Just woken up. Have I missed anything funny from reader 778? I liked... I did enjoy Don't Knit On Your Own Doorstep. Yeah. There was another knit one that you said you tried. Oh, no, Eccleston. Don't put all your Eccleston in one basket.

And that was a pun and I still liked it. I'm thinking so far, and that's probably your two big highlights. The trouble is that you need a bit of context and we don't have all morning. The people who've listened since the beginning are thinking, yes, we know this. You know, we set our alarms.

There's been a low light as well. Thanks for... So there's been a low life? Frank's told you not to identify them. If we're going with highlights, we should also balance. Light and shade. The bit where you sang creepy songs, I'm still not sure I've got over that.

Hideous. Absolutely hideous. I don't know. I thought that the Old Spice stroke tea tree that was the low spot for me you were fine with my Tamara Eccleston you've got to be personal about it I love any mention of Tamara Eccleston

is she still an it girl yes she's had a baby and she's a bit of a hands on mum now but I was a big fan of hers I've been a bit of a hands on mum for years if I get the chance. Hey, mother!

Anyway. Kevin Conroy has tweeted us. I like the sound of him. Well, his question is, what time is the podcast ready? Hold your high horses, Kevin. And he got through the show. I don't know, you play one track they don't like. They've got a side to them today, haven't they?

Was he voting with his feet, or was he just asking a genuine question? I'd love to vote with my feet. I'd love to go into the booth on polling day and take ages taking my shoes and socks off and putting the black pencil in between my toes, and then if someone comes in and says, what's going on, say I'm voting with my feet. I mean, that's feet I mean that's

when in life it's worth making that little bit go the extra mile I know we've discussed this before but the chub stick pencil does seem rather outmoded doesn't it but the bloke who's got that little contract the stubby

black pencils for voting I mean that's enough were they ever long those pencils the stubby black pencils for voting. I mean, that's enough. Were they ever long, those pencils? Is that me? When people were voting for Lloyd George, were they full-length pencils? Because if you think about it,

at every election, they would go down roughly the same amount of size. Let's have a look at some Victorians voting, see if they've got long black pencils. With a really... Yeah. Oh, man, because you'd have to stand in the booth for an hour to get your photo took in those days. And you'd have to have your arms folded

when you get that photo taken. Stern face. Don't drop the pencil. That's what it's all about. Yeah. Anyway, 8, 12, 15. Were those pencils long once yeah um um i can we all genuinely answer that sorry i just saw you have to take that breath back can we genuinely answer that question what

time is the podcast ready because i think some of the readers would like to know any answers from the tip that if you're listening to the show, why do you care? Well, later some people. The next week when they listen to it. Well, I'm in at 1400 hours. Who's that, Frank? I'm just, you know,

just doing a general impression. That's alright. That's alright with you. You know what I'm talking about, Willis? Hmm. What are you talking about, Willis? See if you'd gone into a... If it had been like a posh...

There'd been a posh family. If it had been a posh family, they'd say, what are you talking about? I mean, Willis, for come on! It wouldn't have been quite so popular. Then it could have been called different class. Yeah. Different cloaks. Actually, he did go to a different... I would have been quite so popular. Then it could have been called Different Class. Yeah. Different Cloaks.

Actually, he did go to a different family in different strokes. Yes, they were. But they don't really have a class system in America. They have a meritocracy. I've improvised on what it could have been, and I've actually talked about what it was. Oh, yeah. I've made an absolute fool of myself.

It's a bit like that episode in Seinfeld. I feel sick. I actually feel sick. Frank Skinner on the radio. 974 has texted which episode of Seinfeld? It wasn't an actual episode of Seinfeld. No. I was referencing. What was I referencing,

Frank? Well, new readers should know that one of my pet hates is people who say, oh, it's that episode of Seinfeld where, et cetera, or, you know, that time in The Simpsons when? Mm-hmm. Oh, shut up about it. It was dark satire, obviously. It's one of my things.

I like Halloween. I really enjoy Halloween, but I know someone's going to say, do you ever see that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when they trickled? Yeah, I did. So we don't have to talk about it anymore. I like it when Frank gets grumpy like this.

It reminds me of that episode of One Foot in the Grave. Ah, well, see, I don't mind that so much. All right, because it's British. That one when the phone goes and he picks up the dachshund. I mean, that's a classic. He gets grumpy, but he is the grumpy secret orphanage owner. The phone goes and he picks up the Dachshund. I mean, that's a classic. He gets grumpy, but he is the grumpy secret orphanage owner who performs acts of great kindness without you even realising it. What, Big Daddy War books?

Yeah. And maybe I'll forget how much she meant to me and that she was almost my baby. Maybe. I thought you were going to join me on the maybe, but no, it didn't happen. Oh, sorry. Forget about it. I was getting distracted.

I was actually enjoying that. Never leave me alone on a maybe. Sorry, darling. It seems getting progressively less creepy as the show goes on. Because Big Daddy War Books, I think, has cornered the creepy market. I was enjoying it. Thank you so much. Do you remember last week you were talking about...

No, I don't ever ask a man of my age that. That's what they call a hospital pass. You were talking about how the greeting cards industry should really go for the un-birthday, the non-birthday. Well, I said, first of all, the half-birthday. Then we see a great chance there. You suggested cards like congratulations on becoming a goth.

Yeah, I think Townie to goth is a... Yeah, I love that. I thought that was very good stuff. Well, we've heard from the outside world. On my Friday night trawl, I've just read this email. If I wanted to be an entrepreneur, and I don't, as I haven't got the energy... Defensive much?

Yeah. There are thousands of Polish people in London. They celebrate their name days as well as their birthdays. Never knew that. Is that right? I tried to buy a name day card for a Polish friend and scoured... Tuesday World used to do that, I remember. Did they?

Tuesday World, the actress. Oh, very good. Tuesday World. Is it a, I remember. Did they? Tuesday World, the actress. Oh, very good. Tuesday World. Is it a joke? And Friday. No, I'm just thinking, are they all called Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, or Sunday? I did the whole seven. I could have said dot, dot, dot, but I thought no.

They still get those days of the week knickers. I used to have those. I tell you what really winds me up when you see a day of the week bib on a child and it's on the bus or something. It's the wrong day. Oh, well, I mean... Make an effort, love. No, no. Well, let's not talk about those two Wednesdays in a row time.

I think... Let's not even go there. By the way, sorry, can I just stop you there? I need to correct this. I think I've, as someone pointed out, I can't remember, you might tell me who it was. I got my tomorrow's mixed up. Well, I don't think you have. I think who it was. I got my Tamara's mixed up. Well, I don't think you have. I think I did because you're talking Eccleston. Frank, do you have your

Tamara's mixed up, says 357. I think I do. I think I was talking Beckwith. Yeah, but Tamara Eccleston isn't it, girl? Yeah, but I was thinking Beckwith. Well, you got away with it. Yeah, and when I said I haven't seen her for ages I don't know if I've ever seen Tamara Eccleston.

I think you have. I'm going to show you a picture. ever seen Tamar Eccleston. I think you have. I'm going to show you a picture. I didn't know there was a Tamar Eccleston. You do, Frank. I'm going to show you a picture. Whereas Beckwith, I've worked with Beckwith in the past. You've worked with them all, I thought. Yeah, and she didn't work much, but when she did, I was with her.

Very nice. Okay. Posh. Yeah. She just slotted into the Ecclestons a treat. Okay. Not the Christopher Ecclestons a treat. Okay. Not the Christopher Ecclestons, but the other ones. But yes, it was one of those All My Tamaras.

Yeah. Which sounds like a song. I think I have... Thanks for pointing that out. If there's one thing I enjoy on this show, it's a correction. Frank Skinner on the radio. Oh, it's a bit tense in the studio, I'll be honest with you. The girls have been squabbling about which Tamara is which.

Charlie and I had the closest we've ever come to a fight. I snapped at her. She snapped back. Yes. It was like two Doberman peaches. Oh, Charlie says, Tamara Beckwith is blonde with a thin nose. And Emily said, I think you're fine, you're wrong. And then she came at me.

She did, she came at her. I thank God I was here. She physically came over and said, that is Tamara Beckwith. And then Alan got angry and said, where's that picture you showed Charlie, the one with the bikini, which was gross. Can I? Not really, fact-finding. Anyway, enough of it now.

Tamara and Tamara and Tamara creeps in this petty pace day after day to the last syllable of recorded time and all our yesterdays have lighted falls the way to dusty death. Anyway, Absolute Radio here on Saturday morning. Saturday morning on Absolute Radio here on Saturday morning. It's Saturday morning on Absolute Radio.

Do you keep Jingles live? That's my... That's what I tell. So it's a... And welcome. Oh, I was in the middle of a story from... Oh, yeah. The old storyteller in his jumper.

He's very gathered by the fireside, isn't he? I'm imagining we're on a little dockside. He's there with his beard and his jumper. We're kids who've been watching the trawlers coming. Do you know who he is? And now he's telling us a story. Frank, I'm seeing him more hunky Swedish extra in a last Christmas video. I'll take that.

No interest, maybe. I was reading an email where somebody had sent us an idea for greetings cards. If I wanted to be an entrepreneur, I'll just recap, and I don't as I haven't got the energy, but there are thousands of Polish people in London. They celebrate their name days as well as their birthdays. I tried to buy a name day card for a Polish friend, scoured all the Polish shops in Ealing with no success.

Definite gap in the market here. I made a card in the end using a translation tool on the web. I bet that went well. If Clinton's is going bust, maybe this could be their salvation. Yeah, Polish. No, I didn't know. Well, I think we started the rumour that they were going bust last week. I think that's it for sale.

The shareholders have now lost confidence in Clintons. The whole organisation is on its knees, down to one throwaway remark on this show. But that's it. I like the idea. I just put them out of business. I know, poor old Clintons. They were always too hot. I'm trying to find out. Too hot in those shops.

When I was on tour, we used to say, what is with Clintons? They're too hot. I'm trying to find out. Too hot in those shops. When I was on tour, we used to say, what is with Clintons? They're too hot. Also, what's with the red bears? I don't want red bears. I want brown bears. If any other listeners are entrepreneurs but haven't got the energy,

send us your business ideas and we'll have a crack at it. I reckon we could start a business. And anyone who's got any grudges against already extant businesses, we'll see if it glows from there. I'm so sorry if we cast aspersions. The thing is, it's hard to find out, because obviously when you Google Clinton,

that's not the first thing that comes up, the card shop. I can imagine people in Clinton's card saying, I can't use it this time of the year. It's absolutely throbbing. What's going on? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I want to tell you what I wanted to

sort of tell you about and also I wanted to do some a bit of research I did a trick on my new readers I have a four and a half year old child and and I tell you what I did, I got, we had a

brown bag of some fruit. Yeah. And you know the old Eric Morecambe? Oh. When you, you get, you put your fingers in the bag and you throw an invisible thing in the air and then you catch it with a One of my favourite things. Yeah. And of course he'd never seen that

before. Honestly, it was like being Merlin. Oh. He was absolutely gobsmacked by it. I had to do it about 20 times. Which is like two series of Merlin, or three series, isn't it? I got the complete box set the other week. Don't tell the wife. Don't tell anyone.

Don't tell the wife. It's tell anyone. Don't tell the wife. It's quite embarrassing. Can I do a confession now? In the space of three days... Oh, I don't know. You better call that cinder. In the space of three days, I bought the complete DVD box set of Merlin

and 13 Doctor Who action figures. Wow. Oh, did you? Not to mention... Don't tell a soul. Not to mention a head lice brush. Yes. Flying through the savings of the Rolls Royce head lice brush.

Let's not forget that. Anyway... I'm not judging you for your shame purchases. But when you... Those tricks that everyone's seen, like the Eric Moore conflicting the bag, there'll be people listening to it who don't know it. We can't really demonstrate it on here.

We can do it on video. I might do a little boomerang of you doing it. But anyway, yeah. It's a bit like, have you ever fantasised about going back to medieval times and you've got a smartphone? Yeah. And suddenly you're king. Yes, I fantasise

all the time about things like that. I do, genuinely. Yeah, because for a child to see that trick is, and I wonder if there's any other sort of standard, we've all seen them a million times, but new people to the planet haven't seen them. All right. Things that I can do to impress my child that I'm some sort of shaman.

Have you done the thumb off yet? Have you done the thumb off? I've done the thumb off. I've done the dislocated nose. You know that one? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I know that one. When you look like you're breaking your nose,

but you're just clicking your thumbnails on your one? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I know that one. Where you look like you're breaking your nose, but you're just clicking your thumbnails on your teeth. Yeah. There ought to be a sort of, you know, dad performance. And they're walking down the stairs behind the wall. Oh, yeah. Have you done that? No, what's that? Stick around.

I've got a demonstration coming up. Hold on. This sounds good. No, no, don't take your... Oh. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This, however, is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text us on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Web site. You can hear that rustling paper. I still have to read that message, even though I do it three times a week for eight years. It's very Trevor McDonagh at the end of the news. In fact, I don't think there

was Twitter when we started this show. What about my Tiswas reference, Trevor McDonagh? Come on. Excellent work. 772. What about Smello? Do you remember him? Who was that? That was the John Gorman character on. Excellent work. 772 is... What about Smello? Do you remember him? I remember that. That was the John Gorman character on Tiswas.

John Gorman from The Scaffold. I don't know who that is. He used to do a thing called Smello. In those days, to signify someone was smelly, they'd put a small bit of straw inside their T-shirt. Still makes me laugh. And the idea was that he just smelt terrible. That's enough for me, Frank. That is enough for me.

They've made it so complicated, these people. Oh, nowadays. Just have the person with the straw. I'm happy. Call Smeller. Broom cupboards. That's not that complicated. 772 has been in touch. It was for Boris Becker. See, that's who's been in touch.

772. Oh, that old character. Hi. Hartley from Brightlingsea. Oh, nice. Is that a made-up place? I don't know, is that real? No, that's a real place. Oh, is it? I like the sound of this person.

Anyway, I'm just skipping over the bit where Hartley... Oh, no. We don't normally read praise, but read this bit... Oh, no, don't read praise. It's got a funny bit in it. I like it. Well... OK, go on, it's nearly Christmas. Hartley from Brightling Sea was enjoying the show, I think that's fair to say. I like the past tense. Yes. And had to stop ironing in case he or she burnt their self. Oh, okay. It's Hartley a bloke's

name. Hartley, yeah, it's... Well, Hartley Hare used to be. Do you remember Hartley a bloke's name? I think it's probably a female. Hartley, yeah. Well, Hartley Hare used to be. Do you remember Hartley Hare? Don't base all your knowledge on Hartley Hare. I mean, he's not human being. I think off the top of my head, apart from J.R. Hartley, obviously, that's his surname. There's the very right-wing pro-Brexit Julia Hartley Brewer. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but we're talking first name. He's a bit of a troll, I believe. Hartley Hare was male. He actually was Hartley Hare male. Oh. That's a good question. 8, 12, 15. What gender was Hartley Hare from? Was he Pipkins Hartley Hare?

Lovely. Pipkins. Whatever happened to... Anyway, Hartley Hare from Brightling Sea had to stop ironing. Just a second. Whatever happened to him? Hartley Hare got myxomatosis That gave him head lumps

And there you go You sounded so like a local pub band I love that Anyway I've got that in me Hartley from Brightlingsea Who could never have envisaged She was going to be on for this long

No Has asked a question Beyonce Question Do you have a warm up artist Before you lot come on she was going to be on for this long. No. Has asked a question, Beyonce. Question. Do you have a warm-up artist before you lot come on? Or do you just talk to the mirror before coming on? Now, I'm unclear as to what the question is. Do you mean a warm-up artist to warm us up?

Or do you mean to... What, like a fluffer? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. What are those ones they have in the horse studs? Oh. They have a horse that goes on that sort of gets everyone ready.

Yes. Anyway, we don't have one of those. No. It'd be dangerous. Yeah. It's on the third floor as well. I suppose, who's on before us, Charlie? Normally George, today it was Ben.

Normally George, today it was Ben. Yeah. We live in a small garden with lots of poppies. As far as we go, we have a chat. But their show's in their own right, they're hardly warm-ups. I'll tell you what we used to do, Hartley. Oh, yeah. Before this show, this might have been before your time out, we used to dance to the theme tune from Cagney and Lacey.

Oh, I love that. That is definitely before my time. Is it? And what we would do... And then we'd dance to the whole thing. No, I'll tell you what we'd do, Frank. We'd recreate the poses at the beginning. So Frank would be on the phone, maybe touching a coffee.

Hold on, you do the poses, I'll do the music for that bit. Oh, they can't see it! You say what we're doing and I'll do the music. Go on, stand on the phone, clutching the coffee, off we go. I'm on the phone. I'm now having a cup of coffee. I'm sharing a joke with a colleague.

I'm looking concerned as I wield a gun and run down the road. I'm hugging a joke with a colleague. I'm looking concerned as I wield a gun and run down the road. I'm hugging a child. Back to my entitles. We, you did it, Mary Beth. No, no, we did it, Harvey. Oh, yeah. I cried at that bit when the baby was born

and she had to stare at the bowling trophy to get rid of the paint from her. Oh, that's nice. Did they have, like, a civil partnership baby? No, no. Harvey was Marybeth's husband. Oh, sorry. But she was there, Chris...

Cagney. Cagney. She had to drive her across town. Yes, I remember that now, Frank. But she had a bowling trophy and she had to stare at that so she didn't think about the pain in her downstairs. It's like that episode of Cagney and Lacey. I've actually done it.

I think Cagney and Lacey I'd accept. That's fine. That's fine. It's a great show. Anyway, the point is we don't do that, but we have a little general chit-chat, don't we, Frank, beforehand, the three of us? Well, we read the papers and we slag people off.

Yeah. That's what we do. That's the papers and we slag people off. Yeah. That's what we do. That's a fair... Is that a fair summary? Yeah, I think that's fair enough. Definitely. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake.

You know who we have yet to discuss this morning, and he's been on my mind a lot this week? Is it Serrano de bergerac no but i like him yeah um he was fictional can we make that clear yeah okay and the updated version was the film roxanne wasn't it that's like one of those gary oldman facts i once had a slight argument with a a minicab driver who insisted... That sounds a nice evening. ...that Sherlock Holmes was real, was an historical figure. Oh.

Hmm. And, you know, you want to do it subtly. You don't want to say, don't be stupid, tricky. It's hard. I can imagine a cab driver making that mistake because he does have an actual address. Yes. Don't give these people addresses. No, that's fair enough.

But, you know, you've got to give them addresses or you'll never get home. What about Robin Hood? Was he a real historical figure or is he still in the genre of fiction? The old Robin of Loxley material. He probably... I asked my good friend, Professor Kate Williams,

the historian, and she said it was one chance in 200,000 that he may have existed. Oh. I didn't take that as good. I'll take those odds. That's beautiful, isn't it? I think that's what I asked her anyway, when she said it was one chance in 200,000.

I do have something I'd like to discuss, but before I do... Cigarettes are killing me. How do you think we can feel? I may have stopped it now, health and safety. 500 has text in. 500? 500? I may have stopped it now, health and safety. 500 has text in. 500? I call it 500 has text in. Wow.

When we were young, my older sister was a huge Cagney and Lacey fan, but it was extremely painful for everyone in the house when it was on. You might ask why. Why? Okay. We didn't have a video recorder, so she used to record every episode, sorry,

onto one of those rickety old tape machines. That's what... No, but that's what they used to do with Doctor Who, and now we're all glad because the BBC wiped the tapes. With a little wire mic. Heavens forbid you should make a noise. She once asked my mum to stop me from breathing

as it was coming up on the tape. Wow. Yeah, well done. That's lovely. I'd love to... Shall we... Can she send us... Can she put one on MP3

and we'll play a small extract of her recorded Cagney and Lacey? Sounds like a legal minefield. If we can get the one where... If we can get the one, though, where he says, you did it, Mary Beth, and she says, no, we did it, I'll cry my eyes out. It's very specific, Frank. It's a good radio.

It's almost just a baby. Yeah, come on. It's almost The Baby. Yeah, come on. It's a famous ep. Okay. Anyway, it wasn't Serrano de Bersak that you were going

to bring up, was it? I was actually once the 12th Chris Akabusi. Are we just going to guess who it is? Akabusi, yeah.

Oh, I love Akabusi. Paul Gambaccini. No. David Blaine. No, but lovely names flying around. He just sort of throws off. Alexandra Bastiini. No. David Blaine. No, but lovely names flying around. He just sort of throws off. Alexandra Bastiardo.

Oh. Do you remember her? Yes. Lovely. She was a lovely lady. Yeah. Alexandra Bastiardo in The Champions. Oh.

Yes. It's gone very retro, this show. You know what they need on this show? So the buzzer's going to be my next guest. The look of disgust on your face, like it's our responsibility. What they need is a younger host. I was going to say that. That's my suggestion.

So, what's... Oh, Emily. You were trying to guess the gentleman. Vaclav Havel. Whose antics this week I wanted to discuss. Oh, that's a good one. Vaclav Havel. Whose antics this week I want to discuss. Oh, that's a good one. Vaclav Havel. Excellent work.

That's a good one. We can't top that. Okay. All right. Ed Sheeran. Are you familiar with his work? Oh, yeah. Carrot Top Pop Sensation.

One of my favourite lookalikes. Comma 25. I did a lookalike. I don't know if it went out or not, but I did a lookalike of him on Room 101. It was... You know those sushis you get with, like, I did a lookalike. I don't know if it went out or not, but I did a lookalike of him on Room 101. It was... You know those sushis you get with, like, it's a block of rice with the prawn on top?

Yeah. Really does look like Ed Sheeran. Oh. Anyway. He... A terrible incident occurred. Yes, I heard about this. At the home of Princess Beatrice.

Well, it wasn't at the home of Princess Beatrice. Do you know whose home it was at? No. It was Prince Andrew. Oh, was it? Oh, here he comes. Frank has a habit of saying that every time Prince Andrew comes on the telly. Indeed. Obviously it's a habit. I feel it's an obligation.

Here he is! Well, they were at... I was unaware, but it's his house, Prince Andrew He's at the Royal Lodge, Windsor Which means he's still at home He's a bit of a Doctor Who fan Well, he did marry, of course Yeah, but he's still a bit of a Doctor Who fan

Then moved back in Married, moved back in Bit easier, isn't it? Anyway, they had this dinner party. James Blunt asked Princess Beatrice if she would knight him. I say he's not one of those blokes who goes back because his mum does the washing. Yes, so Princess...

Can I say this whole story for a start-off? It's Princess Beatrice. It worries me. You know, there are certain couples in the public eye who I don't want to think of separately. Okay. There's no mention of Eugenie in this story. Oh, right.

And you like her. And the idea of those two being separate, I find... Yes. Like Ant and Dec. A bit like that, yeah. It's because there's something of the fairy tale sisters about them. Yeah. It's like if I saw of the fairy tale sisters about them. It's like if I saw one of Jedward on their own,

I think I'd actually experience chest pains. Hashtag gutted, yeah. Or cheeky girls, Frank. Oh, yeah. It's like when Lemby Opeck, he did the old sheepdog thing and separated one from the flock. You can't do that. Yeah, and it seemed wrong when he was with Gabriella Cheeky. I thought, what about what?

Well, I can't separate Cheeky Girls from the Pushy Mother either. What's Hermia? Ooh, Margie. I'm going down to Margie. Yeah, so I love Eugenie. Anyway. No, I'm just reading a tweet from Aladdin. This story concerns Beatrice.

Yeah. There was a dinner party. This is what they have, dinner parties. Of course they do. They've got to eat, these people. James Blunt was there. And he asked if she would knight him. And apparently she grabbed

what was described as a nearby sword. Brilliant. Which I suppose if you're at the Royal Lodge Windsor, there will be one. And wielded it. And as she sort of thrust it back behind her, she nicked old Sheeran on the cheek. And when I say nicked, it was a huge scar.

It does look like it. I mean, it looks like he might have gone through the actual cheek and touched it. What an anecdote, though. What if she'd cut the tongue off Ed Sheeran? That would have, wow. That would have been an insurance claim, wouldn't it? It would have been.

Can you actually claim insurance against a princess? Good question. 8, 12, 15. 8, 12, 15. I don't think she'd have got... I think she'd have been all right. But if she'd have... I mean, Sheeran without his tongue, what is he?

Nothing. That's what they say. I've heard a lot of people say that. Yeah, it's a really... He was taken to the hossy. I mean, it's a great tale in many ways. Is it? Well, if you've got a scar...

Brilliant as an anecdote. How did you get that scar? I know, exactly. I mean, you take Alan Hansen, that scar on his head, what's he got to say? He walked into a glass door in a leisure centre. It's not up there with Princess Eugenie was knighting James Blunt in the face with a sword at Windsor Lodge.

Here he is, here he comes. Not up there in that kind of yarn spinning. Frank Skinner on the radio. Some news in for Ed Sheeran, 617. Yes, you can claim against a princess. Crown immunity no longer applies. Quite right. Excellent bit of can claim against a princess. Crown immunity no longer applies. Quite right. Excellent. Bit of history on commercial radio there.

And Justin, Al, has pointed out Royal Lodge is a house in Windsor Great Park left to him by the Queen Mother. Oh, the old Queen Maudrey. Get a name check. 799 has texted. Hi, Frank and team. In answer to your princess insurance question, my dad had an

Austin princess in the 1970s and he definitely had it insured. As I distinctly remember exchanging details with another driver who had run into the back of us in Burton Bradstock in Dorset once. Do you know Burton Bradstock? Wasn't he a character in an Oscar Wilde short story?

Sounds like it. I like that. That's funny. There you go. You can quote me on that. That's that, I like that, that's funny. Mm-hm. There you go. You can quote me on that. That's good, isn't it? Um, I, yeah, I mean, it's a brilliant story, but she could have blinded him, for par example.

Exactly. Yeah. I mean, what it needed was an old person there to say, you could have someone's eye out with that. That's what that party needed. And do you think he felt the pressure, because it was Princess Beatricerice that he had to go, it's fine, it's fine, and sort of laugh it off?

I think he probably did, yeah. He was sort of, let's be honest, is Ed Sheeran kind of a Peter the Wild character for Princess Beatrice? To be fair to her, I mean, I think the preamble to this, if you read the whole story, is shortly before he'd shot her avant-garde designer hat off her head with a crossbow.

Is that right? It was one of those parties. It does sound like one of those parties, doesn't it? It was a bit William S. Burroughs and the wife. I mean, the good thing is that if you are going to get cut on the face, you want to be in the company of the very posh because I think they're calm under fire. Like, our Charlie, the producer,

she's got a sort of a calmness that comes with being posh. She has. And I think... I don't know, is she posh? You're posh, Charlie? Quite posh. You always tell me I am. OK, there we go.

Anyway, she's lovely. A lot of the posh are. Yeah. And I think, you know, you get a cut on your face... She was talking about champagne cork injuries this morning. It was a bit of a just me then moment, wasn't it? Even Emily

looks a little bit non-plus. What kind of world is this? She says it's like all those people that lose an eye because of champagne cork injuries. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah, all those people. And I think at that party there would have been the cut and then straightaway James Blunt, who is also posh,

would have gone, OK, I'm going to need a cotton wool swab, I'm going to need sutures, and then... Yeah, because he's a soldier as well, isn't he? Yeah, and he would say something like... That's quite hot, though. We're over the driving limit, so I'm going to carry him to the nearest hospital on foot. It would have just been dealt with, wouldn't it?

We'll be there for 2,00 hours. Yeah, exactly. Whereas at a more working class party, it'd have been like, oh no, he's caught, what are we going to do? It would have just been chaos. It would have been, hey! I think in a way he loved it once he was over it.

Yes, oh. Well, I'm not entirely convinced he didn't thrust himself into that situation. Do you think? Oh, come on. As we were saying, what a story. It's worth it. I'd have done it. Dying out on that forever.

The hits are going to dry up. They always do, love. You get about ten years and then the sales will fall off a bit. Even if they do, he's made enough. Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's done all right. But I'm just saying, you know, Christmas future,

back streets back all right, everybody, chicken satay. He's done all right. But I'm just saying, you know, Christmas future, Backstreet's back all right, everybody, chicken satay. Happens to us all. Yes, I know. Tell me about it. No, as you know, I'm very pro ginger people in all walks of life. Since having a ginger child, I feel particularly invested in it. So I've loved seeing Ed's rise to fame.

But I think this has added to his thing. Also he had a sort of a boyish sort of impish slightly sort of Bilbo Baggins look to him. And now he's given it's actually in almost exactly the same position as Action Man's face scar. He's given him a slight Bear Grylls vibe

hasn't he? He's 12, 15. What is the origin of Action Man's facial scar? That must have been written up somewhere. Good question. Why have you got involved in so many scrapes? Yeah, I think he was round Barbie, Princess Barbie's house one night. She was starting messing about.

She was going to knight Ken. Right. And perhaps it was, do you remember the magical amazing robot? No. Can I ask you another question while they're mulling over that as well? Yeah. Action Man's hair texture. Well, that differed because it used to be hard plastic. Oh, it's Velcro now. And then it went real hair. Is it still Velcro? What do the children have now? You guys should know. No, it's Velcro now. And then it went real hair. Is it still Velcro? What do the children have now? You guys should know. I don't think so. No, it's very short, sort of stubbly.

He's got a beard. There's a beardy action man as well. I must check him out. On trend. Doesn't reach the scar, though. That must have been frustrating. It's like when Gorbachev, that day you comb your hair in the mirror and think, hold on, what's that? This is Frank

Skinner on Absolute Radio. Speaking of can't help it, I had a moment of thinking about Frank whilst reading this story about James Blunt and Ed Sheeran. Apparently Ed Sheeran, when he did his gig, it says in the paper here

it says, he joked about his scar as he said, it's nice to be back i've had a whole year off i went to japan for a month and hung about with japanese people got my face cut open anyone read about that yes and i had a moment of thinking in your voice yeah but where's the joke which is a thing that i you said. I can't believe that if you were... If you're with Princess Beatrice and James Blunt and in a mock knighting you get your face stabbed by a sword, you haven't got some material when you go on stage.

Well, these people are comics. I know, but come on, even Dave Swift from Sales would have had a couple of them. That's like me saying, I can't believe you and Alan didn't hit that high C. Well, yeah, but everybody does jokes. Not everybody does high Cs. Not since the knife has gone down the neck. Bob from Nottingham has got in touch with us. I believe that Action Man Scar came about to make his face unique enough for the company

to gain the copyright for it. Oh, because I used to have an action soldier of a similar ilk called Tommy Gunn. Oh, right. Was he a bit of a pound shop? No, he had laces in his boots. I'm not being rude. I'm not being unkind.

No, he had real laces, whereas Action Man just had moulded laces. Getting defensive about Tommy Gunn's now. Tommy Gunn also had complete private parts. No. Whereas Action Man had pants. Yeah. I believe.

Tommy Gunn didn't have that and made that up. Oh, OK. I'm just trying to get all patriotic about it. This is how my patriotism has manifested itself. I've never heard you defending anything quite so vehemently. It's been forgotten, Tommy Gunn, and I think that's wrong. But I'm trying to avoid... Actually, I was talking about the magical amazing robot.

The magical amazing robot is a thing that I still don't understand how it worked. It had a big pointy... This is why I think it could have done Action Man's scar in a similar style to the Sheeran story. It's had a big pointy, this is why I think it could have done Action Man Scar in a similar style to the Sheeran story. It's had a big pointy stick and you'd point it at a question like

what's the capital of Venezuela? Okay. And then you'd stand it on this little mirror and it used to spin round and point at the answer with its big pointy pointer. To this day, I don't know how it worked. It was amazing. That's incredible.

Sounds amazing. But dangerous if all the toys are in the vicinity. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you something that's long puzzled me. If, let's say Warwick Davis as an example. Of a person. Of what? Do we know, I don't want to say the wrong thing, is it person of reduced... Oh, don't worry, no fear of that

happening on this show. Is it person of reduced stature? Is that the... I think it's little person, isn't it? I don't think it can't be little person. I think it is. I think it is actually. Anyway, let's say for example, Warwick Davis got knighted. Caracas, by the way. Would he still... Has he? I think it is actually fake. Anyway, let's say, for example, Warwick Davis got knighted. Mm-hmm.

Caracas, by the way. Would he still... Has he? Capital of Venezuela. Oh, sorry, yes. Oh, yeah, I was talking to Ross Kemper about you the other night. Lost a few teeth there, apparently. Did you?

Anyway, if Warwick Davis got knighted, would he still kneel? Oh, yeah. Is the kneeling, is it respect? I think so. It's a ceremonial thing, yeah. Or is it practicality? To make it easier for the... For the Queen to put the sword on the shoulder.

Good question. No, because surely it wouldn't be... Is it that much easier? I suppose it is. It's a heavy implement. Well, I don't want to draw this as a direct analogy, but I was reading Buzz the other night. I was reading Tom Thumb from his Bedtime Stories book.

And Tom Thumb gets... Tom Thumb is about three inches high, to be fair. He gets 90 and he doesn't kneel. Oh, is that right? So that suggests to me... You can't base the historical accuracy on that. I don't think that's a blueprint book. I think Tom Thumb was a real person.

I mean, that's crazy time, Frank. There was a Tom Thumb, but he wasn't the Tom Thumb. Right. I think somebody nicked the name. You know what it's like? Oh, yeah. I think Tom Thumb was hounded by plagiarists. Mm-hm.

Anyway, I'd like to know... Does Boss enjoy Tom Thumb? Oh, God, he loves a bedtime story Boss It's good, isn't it? It's a nice time So, I'd like to know that Would Warwick Davis

need to kneel or would the Queen say Oh no, you're alright and he could remain upright I'd like to know how many of the Royal Family get, I'm going to suggest how many of the royal family get, I'm going to suggest, possibly a bit tipsy at parties and then pretend to knight their friends.

Is this a common occurrence? Well, at the Royal Lodge, Windsor Great Park, courtesy Queen Maudrey, I suspect it goes on quite a lot. Well, when Princess Margaret, I mean, she liked to drink. She probably had her own unofficial honours list. I mean, if I'd have been a royal, she's my spirit royal. Who's your spirit royal, Frank? I think the Queen Mardrae.

Alan? I'm going Margaret, obviously. You know what I love? One of the things I love is those little wooden teeth. You don't see them anymore. That's the skill that's been lost. That person also apparently made very ornate furniture.

The bloke who did those tapes, yeah. Like Aunt Lindley? Erm, almost certainly. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. I'm Frank Skinner, this is the Frank Skinner Show.

I'm not really Frank Skinner. I'm Emily Dean. Frank. Shall I do the business first, Al? Yeah, do the business. Okay, it's quite exciting. It's the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. You can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. But the most important news is

Frank's left the building. He's done Elvis. A-1. Where is he? That's today's texting for the final hour. Where's Frank? Where are you, Frank? This is a bit like some kind of Radio One type. Oh, there's been a takeover!

Emily and Alan have taken over the studio! Legends! Or if you're of a more civilised palate, it's a bit like when they let Over. Emily and Alan have taken over the studio. Legends. Or if you're of a more civilised palate, it's a bit like when they let Jarvis Cocker do the Today programme or something like that, you know, on Radio 4, that kind of thing. He tends to do stage invasions. Do you know what, Al? I'm so excited. Back in the day.

I've got my cup of tea, I've got my Planet Rock mug. Are you all right? What's happened to you? I don't know, but there's a big pink button There's a pink button saying eject top position He didn't tell me about that Eh? He'll be sitting in that cab

listening to it. Hi Frank if you're listening Don't tell people he's in a cab, they're texting us where is he going Well I don't know if he's in a cab He could be walking, he could be on Shanks' pony I did see him pick up a quiver of arrows, I don't know if he's in a cab. He could be walking. He could be on Shanks' pony. I did see him pick up a quiver of arrows. I don't know what that's about. We can be really naughty. Have a midnight feast.

I love that. Get some Chippendales in. Crack out the brewskis. Not so sure. Order some Chesterfields. What are we going to do? Hi, everyone. Well, I think we should carry on with the show, at the very least.

OK, have we had any text in now? Or heard from the outside world? Yes, we did have a text in that I wanted to bring to your attention, but now the screen has moved. Oh, the whole thing's fallen apart. Oh, I like this. It's already been a bit disastrous. It's all gone wrong.

Here we go. Oh, yeah, go on. 942 has texted. I'm going to bring this to your attention. My son John got nits from his first girlfriend. Was it you, Emily? Well, I have been out with someone called John. Well, there you go.

And he was slightly younger than me, I'm not going to lie, but not indecently. That's from Jill in Spain, and she adds, P.S., Nick comes 75 pence. Oh. In your face, Frank. Costadel crime. I always saw myself as one of those old crime women living in that part of the world.

Can't you see me with slightly too... Not that I'm suggesting you're like this at all. Is her name Jill? What's her name? Jill, yeah. Jill, you're not like this at all. I think you're very fragrant with soft, silky hair. But I see myself as having that slightly Pauline Prescott, very hard hair sprayed hair.

Too much spray. too much sun. Change smoking outside. Not enough conditioner. Not enough conditioner. Not enough skincare. But, you know, I'm fundamentally quite happy with my lot. Yeah. Well, you know.

Good. OK. Here's a story that I think we should cover, Emily Dean. I want to bring this to your attention because we're definitely now, we've crossed the line between winter and into the festive season, haven't we? We've hit what I would like to call as some, you know,

culturally speaking, it's Christmas time, isn't it? Do you know how I know that? How do you know that? Because you've got a Christmas dad jumper on. Oh, I did have my Christmas, and also every comedian in the country is now moaning about Christmas gigs. Is this true, then? Are people more kind of objectionable at this moaning about Christmas gigs. Is this true, then? Are people more objectionable at this time of year?

Definitely. Is this alcohol? Yeah, and Christmas parties. Charlie's passed me a fez. What do I do, Frank? I don't know why he does that. Frank, if you're listening, I'm holding a fez and feeling confused. It'd be great if we now got texts from Frank about how to do the show.

Do you know what? I'm going to find out what a jack-top position actually means. No, don't. No, I'm doing it, I'm doing it. Frank Skinner on the radio. And we've had a text, actually, saying, my sister-in-law makes beautiful name-day cards for the Polish community and Women's Day

and sells them on eBay. I mean, other auction sites are available, we should probably say. Does everything she says rhyme with dirty? I like it. Maybe. So, we were going to discuss Cardiff. Before you do, I want to ask you another...

No, I know, but I want to ask you another question. You briefly alluded to the fact that gigs as a comic were harder at this time of year, and I I just said is this just because of alcohol do people shout Frankie Legend a bit more? That sort of stuff I think you know people are horrible

I think that's one of the major problems You'll listen to Missinthrope FM I just think gigs are quite choppy waters because people are in big groups, which always makes stand-up a bit harder

if they're in big groups, rather than, you know, 400 people in twos and fours is easier than 400 people in four groups of 50. Good math, Aladdin. I find your... Honestly, you're so good at math, I actually find it very alluring.

I think people are a bit angry at Christmas time. More like alluring. You know, like, if people are unhappy, they... I say, more like alluring. Thanks very much, yeah, I'll take that. Oh, I'm sitting in Frank's seat. I'm becoming him. I'll give you an example.

A comedian that I worked with last night, when I went on, said, if you see me walk out during your act, it's because you're doing fine. Ah. It's a jungle out there. He's only staying to see me if the wheels fall off and the whole thing becomes like a zoo.

So if you're listening and you're planning on going to a comedy gig, be kind to these people. Yeah, I would say if you're listening... They've got mouths to feed. Yeah, I'd say give it till January. But anyway, maybe not. I rudely interrupted you talking about with live updates from Cardiff.

I feel like we should talk about Cardiff because they've had a bit of a mare. They've bought... Is that a pun? No, they've bought a 40 metre... Again, I'm just feeling my way. I'm thinking, what would Frank do? And a bit of a mare,

when a town or city was mentioned, he'd get excited. They bought a 40-metre Christmas tree and they boasted about it in the run-up. They said it's... Oh, yeah. You know, they were really excited. They said, at 40 metres in height,

it should prove to be a spectacular addition to Christmas in Cardiff. Oh, lovely. And it turned up and it's 40 feet, not 40 metres. Oh yes, is this the... It's a little one. Well, you say little. That's five John Cleese I'm going. That is yeah, probably.

3.8 Stephen Merchant. Is it really? Yeah, I'm going singular. He's a unit of measurement now. I'm trying to get in on the arithmetic thing that I was doing a second ago. I've rebranded you as alluring. So is this the tree? I think I saw a picture of this. And it looks not unlike the plate of Ferrero Rocher that Nigel Farage was wielding.

Yeah. I mean, by that reckoning, I think that makes Nigel Farage about 80 feet tall. But I don't think it's that exact same plate of Ferrero Rocher. It's not the actual one, Aladdin. No, but it's been bought and it's way too small, and it does look a bit strange. It's not like a green Christmas tree. Well, I'm going to disagree with you there, because I like that tree.

Right. I thought it was futuristic. I thought it was directional. I could go on. I like the silver and gold, metallic. All of these things. None of these things that you've mentioned are that it's 40 metres, because it's not, it's 40 feet.

People can't see it. There's a wall in front of it. It's meant to go right up over and people can see it, but it's too small. I think they bought it online. Oh, do you think so? Sometimes you buy stuff online and you can't see what size it is. If the seller hasn't put it next to a 50

pence... Well, this is the problem. I'm having this, Aladdin, because I've just bought some boxing gloves online. Right. Pink boxing gloves. Natch. And... Same colour as mine. It says 14.0z. Is that ounces? Yeah. But that's a cake.

I don't want that in a glove. Yeah, I don't think it'll be... I don't think they're edible. Maybe they're edible. Perhaps it's a novelty cake you're buying. Listen, Charlie's just passed me Frank's Fez. Oh, OK. And you know what happens now.

Frank Skinner on the radio. What about a man just came in? Al. Chris. Chris, who's the executive producer for Absolute Radio. Quite, you know, highfalutin. Charlie, first thing she said was, it's okay, I've cleared it all with Frank.

In reference to me sitting in the chair, which was borderline humiliating, frankly. Well. I mean, what did you make of that? And Chris said, it's okay, it's okay. Yeah, I don't think he was coming in on the warpath. I don't think it was like bossy boss coming in. I think he was just saying hello.

Well, I said as a joke, Frank walked out, he was furious. There was a little moment's panic in his eye, and then it was all okay. We've had some guesses at where Frank is, actually. Oh, go on. 275, has he popped out for a fag? Nope. He gave up those cigarillos many years ago.

A better guess, but probably not right. 665, has he gone to Nora's to get his hair cut? Is that our Nora? That's from Sandwell Carpets. Oh, is that Knitnoss? Pretty plug there by accident. Is that Knitnoss?

I don't know. OK. Morning, guys. Emily, I loved the video of you interviewing the OC after the gig last Sunday. You are so tiny, how do you stay so slim? Well, it's funny you should ask that. I've actually, I've been taking this new slimming supplement. That you wanted to promote on air?

Wouldn't that be great if I could get sponsored? If anyone's listening and wants to sponsor me to slim, I'm up for that. Sounds like a legal minefield, doesn't it? Oh yeah, probably. Sorry, Frank, to abuse your show. Probably an Ofcom investigation or something about plugging your supplements. I did interview the OC last week when there was a gig, it was at Absolute Live,

what was it called, Charlie? At the London Palladium. And I was the backstage interviewer. Excuse me. Get you. Yeah. I might be telling you all about that, but we need to sort this tree out in the meantime.

Oh, yeah. The little tree. Well, it's difficult to buy a tree online and get it right. I mean, I remember this from last year when we, as a family, tried to decorate a car air freshener that I'd bought online. Cheap, though. But that's the problem.

Online, you can't tell what size it is, can you? I think that's a good idea for a tree. That's enough for people. People are too greedy about these trees. There's too much excess. There's too much stuff all over them, tinsel. A few silver and gold balls is all I need, and I'm happy, woman.

That's what I've heard. That's what I've heard about you. I'm going to be so proud of you right now. You know what, though? There's a knock-on effect, because they've also cancelled the hire of a 41-metre ladder to put the decorations on the top which so is the suggestion actually got a business in hiring out big ladders so difficult times for me yeah i can imagine i was going to take it to cardiff last week but wow just stayed

at home you need to give old merchant a call don, don't you? Yeah. Our friend Merchant. So the issue seems to be also surrounding the fact that people think it's a gross waste of money. Because the tree they ordered was at £10,000 and this is a three-year deal these people have bought into. Yeah, I mean, who leases a Christmas tree for three years? It's not a mortgage. It's a tree. Yeah. For heaven's sake. Just buy one. That's not a mortgage. It's a tree, for heaven's sake. Just buy one.

That's my theory. I noticed as well, I saw the council people. That sounds rather patronising, the council people. No, that's fine. But they said our Christmas tree has divided opinion, and yes, it's not 40 metres, but it sure looks Christmassy. Yeah, they're facing it

out, aren't they? That's what they're up to. They also made a little joke, didn't they, where they said that the guy who ordered it was actually 18 feet tall. You know what I don't like is when people from official bodies do a little bit of material. Hey, I think I'm all right with it. I don't like it. Better than Ed Sheeran's joke about his cut face. Don't do material. Don't do a little bit of material. Just get the Excel spreadsheet sorted. Don't do the material. Ow.

There's a button called toggle chain which sounds a bit Spearmint Rhino. Shall I press it? If you like. No. Okay, I know I'm doing it.

Toggle chain. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Absolute Radio. You can text us on 81215. You all right? Yeah, I'm fine, thank you for asking. We have had a text informing me that I'd got that little bit of maths wrong.

Oh, I love texts like that. Thanks for that. Four times 50 is not 400. Yeah. Thanks very much for your support, Paul. He's not 400. Yeah. Thanks very much for your support, Paul.

To be fair, I think Paul just wants to ensure that you're not toppled off your perch, your Aladdin perch. Right. Fair enough. It's a lovely little persona for you on this show. Up for my game. Yeah. So they ordered the wrong thing, the Cardiff people. Actually, Al, sorry to interrupt.

Oh, OK. No, I just want to say, if anyone else, I think the ordering the wrong thing's quite a good thing to text in. I know I've left it rather late. You think it's a text in? Let's do it as a text in. Text in on 81215 Absolute Radio. Have you ever ordered the wrong thing? Thanks. Al? Yes. Where were we?

Have you? Well, I'm trying to think if I've ordered the wrong thing. I've maybe ordered things... I've ordered the wrong thing. I've maybe ordered things... I've sent the wrong thing to the wrong person. So when baby Buzz, Frank's son, when a child was born, which was a very joyful occasion, another friend of mine, he also had a child. Right.

And I sent her pink Chloe dress, I think, over to Buzz by child. Right. And I sent her pink Chloe dress, I think, over to Buzz by mistake. Right. And Frank rang up and he said, look, you know, I've got this card and it says to Baby Olive. I think it's to the wrong person. Oh. But what's rather brilliant about that is I told my friend what had happened and

she's now, I think she's four and she's still called Baby Olive because of Frank referring to her as Baby Olive. Oh, it's nice. So there's a nice ending to that wrong ordering. We, in my house, we have a spiky yoga mat. You know, like, you kind of lie on it, almost like a bed of nails. Is it endorsed by Dave Spiky?

No, I don't know who it's endorsed by, but my wife did not want it. And it was on a popular website, and she was trying to click something else. And the next thing, it was delivered two days later. We never wanted it. We never wanted the thing. And none of us is going to lie on it like a bed of nails. So what we use it for is... Sorry, what are the spikes made out of? Are they rubber spikes? They're little plasticky spikes,

but they're quite, you know, full on. And if you relax your muscles, you can lie on it and it doesn't hurt. I've never done that. I wouldn't want to do that. I'll tell you what doesn't hurt, satin sheets. Yeah, you're right. So here's what we use it for.

We put it on a chair that we don't want the dog to go on. So if we don't want the dog to jump on the chair and then bark at the window, we put the bed of nails mat on there. So often, you know, from bad comes good. I'm really relieved. I thought for one terrible moment you were going to say it was a controversial naughty step that you'd introduced.

I mean, it seems good value. It was £8, this mat, but it keeps the dog off the chair, so I think that's fine. I quite like it. Could you go and order, if you'd had an argument with a partner, I'd just say go over to the bed of nails.

Go and get on the bed of nails. It's your turn, you're going to have to sit on the bed of nails. And then it's like in the sin bin in rugby. Yeah, and then they just come back really chilled out because the bed of nails is actually quite relaxing, apparently. Well, can we talk more about the bed of nails? If you like, yeah, whatever. I'm thinking of incorporating it into my leisure activities.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a few text-ins about ordering the wrong thing. Oh, lovely. I ordered Lego from Amazon and they sent a PS4 with two games by mistake. Do you know, I don't even know what that is, but that sounds bad. It's a PlayStation 4. It's a games console. I mean, as a fiscal comparison, Lego would be way cheaper than a PS4. So they've profited. Yeah, it does say dot, dot, dot, don't tell them.

I'm afraid I've put it out there. I won't even give them a number because I don't want them getting caught. Okay. And 920 has texted, I saw a gong on eBay for £5. Sorry, a gong? A gong.

G-O-N-G? Yeah. You don't see those many these days. Last time I saw one of those was in the Rank film trailer at the beginning. I like the fact that they bought a gong on eBay. I hope there was a moment as it was counting down where they thought, going, going, gong. I saw a gong on eBay.

Frank would be so proud of you right now. I saw a gong on eBay for £ would be so proud of you right now. I saw a gong on eBay for £5. Bargain, I think. I bought it, but didn't clock the £200 delivery fee from China. Whoopsie. I'm so proud of what you just said about going, going, gone. I just tried to press something because I was... There we go.

Fantastic. Deserved it. And also a little bit of a curveball text, which I don't think is about buying the wrong thing. 321 has texted. Oh, Ted Rogers. Yeah, exactly. 321 has just...

Sorry, Al, I'm really sorry. Keep that browser open. That's a little trick. We were talking earlier in the show about things Frank could do to impress Buzz, his son. Maybe the 3-2-1. Oh, yeah. I just did it.

I can't do it very well. Well, I was thinking, you know when you're in a shopping centre and there's a mirror? No, I don't. You know when you do your leg up and arm up and it makes you look like a star? You're doing star jumps. That is a good one. I wonder if Buzz has seen that yet. Well, I'm going round there later,

so I'm going to try it out. It's one of my favourites, that. 321 has texted, Noah was just seeing if you were in, coming over to get my haircut at 11.45. Oh, OK. And a kiss. I'm not sure that's for us.

Oh, do you think? Well, maybe it is for us. We'll have brunch and we'll come back here with the scissors and the towels. See you then. Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not.

There must be some mistake. I'll tell you what I did, Al. It wasn't actually a wrong order. But there's a bit of name dropping involved here. I do apologise. I can't help my life. Who's such a lunch? I ordered a cake recently for Jonathan Ross while he was in Japan.

Because it was his birthday. And I thought, what could be nicer than a cake delivered to your room from a friend on your birthday? Yeah. Time difference and everything. I was so organised. That's good. It was a bit, dare I say it, lost in translation trying to get the thing ordered. But I achieved it and he got the cake and then he sent me a picture.

And he said, quite a formal message. sent me a picture and he said um quite a formal message and what had happened is that they'd done a card which they beautifully inscribed but they put what appeared to be my credit card details on it so it said from and then it said emily rebecca dean and then it said birthday equals november 17 so that was my birthday message to Jonathan Ross in his hotel in Japan. Excellent. I thought it was rather good. Hey, where's Frank now, do you think? Oh, I wouldn't be surprised if he's...

Is he in a car? What do you think he's doing? He might be working out. Maybe he's secretly working out. He's in Regent's Park just doing continuous pull-ups. Imagine if he became like a real strongman type. Ripped. Yeah. He's probably doing farmer's walks

right now. Do you know that exercise? What's that one? Basically you pick up something heavy and you walk for ages with it. Well, I've started boxing recently. Did I tell you this? You did mention it. Yeah, you've got pink boxing gloves. I've got pinks. Why are you making that noise?

That's me now. Oh, we can bond because you're doing kung fu. I'm doing boxing. Let's talk. My trainer's called Carlton. Is he? He's got silver fangs. Who doesn't?

Well, Carlton does. He's got silver fangs. All right. Nice., Colton does. He's got silver fangs. All right. Nice. And, you know, I'm really getting into it. I'm loving it. Good. It gets my aggression out.

Yeah, which there's plenty. God, we all know that. How dare you? See? I think... Here's some point. How do you think it's gone, everyone? I mean, I think it's fine. No, the show, this last segment.

Because Frank disappeared on us. He walked. But we love him dearly, and we missed him even for this hour, and I hope whatever you're doing, you find happiness in it. Ah. Ah, we've got to go now.

Yeah. I'm going to press the toggle chain. Be seeing you. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East. be seeing you