The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Wage Packet

Episode Date: December 10, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has returned and is joined by Em and Alun, but where had he gone at the end of last week? The team talk Cruz Beckham, giraffe riding and discuss their favourite unconventional candle scents.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 8, 12, 15, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I think we're on Snapchat. Are we? Why not? We should be, Frank. Goozerboggy. We're on Goozerboggy. Are we on Bumble? We're on Snapchat are we? why not? we should be Frank Gooza Buggy we're on Gooza Buggy

are we on Bumble? we're on Boogaloo are we on Bumble? that's a dating app we're on I think we're on Deliveroo oh yeah yeah

you can get us on you have to send us seven second MPEG I might name a cherry on that on Deliveroo and that's all the ways of contacting us.

Oh, never mind that. I haven't said all that. There's a pigeon just landing on the windowsill. Never mind that, Frank. You've left something. I mean, don't be all Nora Normal about this. You left the studio last week. You left things on something of a cliffhanger.

Yes. One minute you were there. We took over. Yeah. Yes. you were there. We took over. Yeah. He was gone. It's true. Like Kaiser Soze. Yes, I was I, of course, I mean, I think it's

fair to say I'm usually in charge of the show. Suddenly I'd gone and Alan and Emily were in charge. It made me think of I mean, and Alan and Emily were in charge. It made me think of... I mean, it wasn't my whole family, it was just me this time. I like to think there was some arguing between the revolutionaries.

Well, it was fine, but we have had a number of our readers texting in with suggestions as to where you might have been. Oh, OK. I mean, hopefully you'll enlighten us at some point. Well, no, I will, but I'd like to... Would you like to hear some of these suggestions? Oh, yes. OK, Clive Silas tweeted us.

I mean, it shows how people picture me, I suppose, as much as anything else. What did Clive Silas have to say? He said, quarter ferry to Belgium. Hashtag Stephen Fry. Oh, yes. Of course, when Stephen Fry disappeared. What's the play called? Cellmates. And I think his public statement

was, I've been a silly old fool. That's cleared that up. That's a very good reference, so congratulations. What was he called? He's called Clive Silas, one of our regulars. Clive Silas. Someone else has guessed. I'll say on this occasion, Silas is golden.

Very good. Somebody else has guessed he does love a zoo escapade. Has he gone to combine with the monkey again? I think that's a reference to that lingering stare that you had with that monkey. Yes, that was Monkey World in Dorset. Yeah.

In Dorset? You recommend it very highly. I do actually recommend Monkey World. It's great. Well, at least you can find it. I'm like, what is it? The Lizard Sanctuary or whatever you went to. Yeah, but when...

Yeah, the... What was that? The Cotswolds Reptile Park? Yeah. But when I... Still looking. I never found that. No.

But one thing about Monkey world is the monkeys, they're not exactly in cages. Oh, right. They're in... Oh, really? You occasionally see one in a tree and stuff like that. They weren't free. And as Lucy Pinder once said to me,

I've heard they're a bit dangerous. Yeah. So, yeah, it's... I mean, it's good, because, you know, they've had hard times, the monkeys, there. PK suggested, I assumed the creeks had risen. Ah, this is all good. I mean, they've done their homework.

Yeah. PK. Simon Oak said, I assumed the doctor had arrived looking for a new assistant. Oh, you'd be gone, wouldn't you? I would be gone. Do you know what? I got a bit... This doesn't happen to me very often. I got a bit stressed about work

yesterday, and I was a bit feeling a bit... Is this the entirely appropriate forum? It's disgusting, isn't it? This is like where Tony Blackburn started talking about his marriage. But I put on... You know, you have a shower in the morning to try and just get that out of you when you feel like that.

Right. And then I put... That's not why I shower in the morning. But if I stayed in a bit longer to get the stress out of me... No, they recommend a shower is a good thing to do, apparently, if you are having stress. Is that right? Yes.

OK, so we're... So anyway, so I put on... I'm sobbing in the shower. OK, let's work back to there. So I put on a Doctor Who, First Doctor William Hartnell T-shirt, and suddenly I felt fine. Oh, nice.

Is there an ice cream van coming up the stairs? I can hear in the distance. I thought I heard something. Yeah, that's all right. Maybe they can't hear it at home. That's annoying. If you can hear it and then the crowd can't. Al, what about Joe Collick Cramp,

who assumed you'd had a flashback to The Ballet Link and passed out? Oh, The Ballet Link. For new people listening, I once did a link about ballet, which has become legendarily bad. Is legendarily a word? Yeah. I mean, even at the time, halfway through it, I knew.

I knew I was writing show history. Well, I've got an email about that that I would like to... What you talking about, Willis? Dear Frank... No, I said, what... Go on, carry on. I won't risk it twice. It's an email titled, Too Tough On Yourself.

Dear Frank, I have been a short-term reader for some time now. I say this because although I've only been reading your show for a year, I've been catching up on the case history between current editions every day on my drive to and from work. Goodness. This week I downloaded my week's reading material and lo and behold I see that the now infamous Ballet Link episode would be heard by around Friday, according to my estimations.

I'd heard this link referred to many times in the later editions and was eager to finally listen to the dreadful affair, always remembered with such low affection by yourself. Well, I was disappointed, to say the least. I found it to be interesting and entertaining. Oh, what? Oh, no. He says, I think you've been very hard on yourself, Mr Skinner.

The best thing about it was a quick and vicious attack on Alan about how he would have enjoyed it because you hadn't been funny. I remember you getting quite vicious. I can't imagine that. That's what I'm like when I feel it going wrong. He's just quite gittish and fantastic. Must try less hard, Frank. Anyway, keep up the good work. Praise

Captain Brain. Thanks very much. I probably stormed it at the Brits. Frank Skinner on the radio. 778 has texted I probably stormed it at the Brits. 778 has texted, Good morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. I'm up on time this week, so won't miss it if you guys are funny. OK.

Well, it's all right, you've got... Stay tuned. Yeah, exactly. Still got everything to play for. You know, we're on our way there, I think. Well, Frank, to quote one of your favourite phrases, no pressure. Hey, hey. Terrible people.

I was in a minicab leaving the scene last week listening to you guys on the radio. I did wonder, because you did say, the first thing I'm going to do is ask the cab to put on Absolute,

but then you never texted us or anything. No. Just nothing. Ask the cab. It's not Knight Rider. There's a man in there. The next minute, he was gone. I did say, can you put Absolute on?

And he was confused, but we found it. And I was going along listening to it. They only ever listen to Magic and LBC, London drivers. Yes, they do. That's it. So they were, I could hear you guys saying, where's he gone, and all this sort of stuff. And this guy, obviously he's got my name on his ticket.

And I thought, has he worked out that this is me? And this is my point. You know those scenes in films when there's somebody on the run and they're pulling to a gas station and they go inside and they're talking to the guy and over the guy's shoulder, the guy who runs the gas station,

they can see a muted television screen and suddenly they come up on the news. And they have to exit. Yeah, and they think, oh God, I wonder if anyone's seen this. It was like that. I was thinking, you know, I was on the run and this guy might say, hold on a minute. Did he join the dots?

I don't think he did, actually. Can I just say, I thought it was rather elegant because I believe they refer to that as a French goodbye. Do they? The swift exit. Do they really? I've never heard of that before. That's what it's called if you just leave. It's a form of ghosting really. What's ghosting? Isn't that what Martin Peters

used to do on Free Kicks? Ghosting is when you just disappear out of someone's life. Is that right? Yes, it's called ghosting. So you don't explain yourself you just leave. Oh, well, we've all had that. But you did a French goodbye, and I liked it. Yeah, and then, I tell you

what, this is slightly tragic, but I was chipping in the odd one-liner in the cab. Oh, nice. Oh, how tragic. To stop my own. Do you want us to redo the last hour of Plus Three? No, no, no. He did a sterling job. Chipping your funnies.

I'm just saying, you know. Guess what? He's got notes for us. There's always room for embroidery. No, you did a fabulous job. Thank you so much. Well, never mind that. Where were you?

Well, I was at a performance called Around the World. Raymond Review Ball. Yeah. Does that still exist? Yes, it's a police set. That's fantastic. I'm so glad. Who goes there?

I just don't know. I went past Stringfellows the other day, and I thought, who goes there? I suppose this bloke's saying, Oh, yeah, Winchester. Oh, dear. I mean... Anyway.

Yeah. I mean, I'm not putting down anyone's business, let's face it, after Emily finished off Clinton Cards with a few choice remarks. I felt terrible. I passed by a branch this week, and I just didn't find the picture,

because I felt so bad. It's just boarded up. Yeah. She's finished it off. There's been a run on it. Oh, dear. Once they lose confidence, that's the end of that.

So I went to see my four-and-a-half-year-old child around the world, which is around the world in 80 days. But such is the state of numeracy now in this country. They have to drop that bit. I think I've seen him practising this. Did he show me his moves not long ago? I'll tell you something.

Well, I'll come to this in a minute. The boy can dance. I think I feel a Cruz Beckham coming up. Frank Skinner on the radio. So, yeah, that was Where's Wally last week when I was missing. So he was doing, and what was it called? All Around the World. It's called Around the World.

Oh, his 17th album. And he played Bruce Kangaroo. Oh. He had the suit and everything. Right. What, a kangaroo suit? Yeah, kangaroo. You everything right kangaroo suit you know kangaroo suit he had one of those on

big tail pouch I think it was the word suit it's matching top and bottom it's not like you put the kangaroo thing and think what jacket am I going to wear I was imagining sort of kangaroo hair, three-piece suit. Do they still box?

Kangaroos? Yeah, not so much, I think. It used to be a fairground attraction thing. I think they've retired from it, largely. Yeah, I think occasionally... They stand no chance against me, Al. Occasionally they used to claw people's stomachs out with their back legs. Did they?

Yeah, and in the old days, of course, you could write that sort of thing off. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not in the model of health and safety. No, no, no. That's health and safety, Matt. You were saying that you think Boz has some theatrical skills. Well, he danced beautifully.

I tell you what, I'm not really brought to him. He obviously had to bounce quite a lot as a kangaroo, but he had to do quite a bit of proper dancing as well. I think he's quite balletic when he dances. Yes, he could do a ballet, Link, when he gets older. But then we went to a kid's party that was football-based, and he played football for about 20 minutes, didn't touch the ball once.

I'm beginning to think his path in life might already be set out, but that's OK. I'm happy with that. At the end of the day, he'll meet nicer people in musical theatre. Well, he will. Good night. I have to say, I'm at a situation... And you know what? I suspect he'll behave better as well.

He absolutely loves... I've got an album of comedy songs, and he absolutely loves Timey Kangaroo Down. Oh, yeah. It's a great track. I think, you know... He also likes the Hearst Vessel song, the Nazi marching tune.

No, he doesn't like that. I'm just giving it up. I don't think we're going to guess it from... No. It's a good tune, the Hearst Vessel song. Is it? I'm guessing the lyrics are abhorrent. Okay's a good tune, the Hirst Vessel song. Is it? I'm guessing the lyrics are abhorrent. OK.

I mean, they're in German. I'm sure it is. Nevertheless... Yeah, we don't have it, unfortunately, on the board. I can do a bit for you, if you like. Oh, you are... No, no, no, we're not doing it, Frank. No.

No. I know, you're right. No, not doing it. So, yeah, so... But you left, and we coped, and buzzed it brilliantly, it're right. No, not doing it. So, yeah, so it was... But you left and we coped and Buzz did brilliantly, it sounds like. Exactly. So it was a lovely day, but, you know, I didn't like leaving early. It's not my way.

Well, it's going to play a habit with your clocking in and clocking out card. I know, exactly. I've got those for the days I used to clock in and clock out. Yeah. When they used to bring your wages round on a Friday and you'd get your wage packet and it had change in it. Change. Did you get a physical brown packet?

It was blue, actually. Really? Have you ever had a wage packet, Al? Yeah, I've had wage packets. I think I have as well. Does anyone get them now? I've had expenses given to me. 8, 12, 15.

8, 12, 15 if you get a wage packet. Yeah. I used to look forward to it. I used to have a little wooden tray. You used to look forward to your wages coming in. I know, it's a weird thing. Weirdo. Anyone else look forward to their wages coming in?

Text in on 8, 12, 15. The whole thing of having the change in there. So it's quite heavy, the thing. Oh, yeah. And they used to be the same bloke. This was when someone came up from the offices, so he'd have a tie on and a suit. And he had a wooden tray with the

wage packets in. Oh, come on! Are you with the wage packets? Come back to my place. Most depressing chat up line ever. I took him home. Oh, man. Here we've gone down memory lane ever. I took him home. Oh, man. Here we've gone down memory lane again.

I'm trying to avoid this. I thought this morning, maybe I'll try to be a bit more Farrell Williams. A bit less Kenneth Williams. Now, here we are talking about getting change in your wage packet. I'm stuck with it. Let's face it. Sorry, everyone. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. I went and I played crazy golf. Did you? This week. Oh. I don't mean I played golf with Ganahl's Barker.

No, that would be... I wouldn't mind. Although, you'd like to win that in a raffle. Yes, I would. But would it be possible, do you think, to play golf with... I'd bid upwards of a grand. If you played golf with Ganahls, wouldn't you... I mean, I think they're a band, aren't they?

But you know the main man, the main... Is there a band or a man? I thought it was him. I thought they were a band. I thought the man was called Ganahls. Well, let's say for the sake of this argument. I'll tell you something. I don't care what his name is.

He's got some head of hair. Yeah, well, he... If I was with him, what am I talking about? I'm sorry, I think he's a man. I don't think he's a man. I think he's a man. No, I think he's a man. Okay, I think he's a man.

You think he's a man. What's happened to everyone? I referred to his hair. You went crazy. I think he's a man. Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy?

In fact, crazy golf. Oh no, he's bald. You googled him. Yeah, I just looked him up. Well, you've got him both. He's a band and he's bald. And you've got him down as a hairy man. I think you are, too. We just talked about the wrong bloke. No, I think he wore a wig for the video.

He made an effort. Oh, right. Anyway, sorry, Frank, as you were. So, it's not that crazy. Crazy golf? No. It's more miniature, isn't it, really? Well, I really want...

The holes are endless. It just goes on and on. I recently watched a documentary about Charles Manson, the 60s cult leader. Date night. In which he was described as crazy. Can we make the references for this show a bit weirder for them? Oh, no.

Oh, poor Cath! Well, we've got a special date night planned for you. Having described him as crazy, he had nothing in common with the golf I played the other night. It was beauty, it was well done. Where was it? It was in a very trendy area of London. I mean, I was one of the few people in there without a beard.

Oh, I got you. And it was indoor crazy golf, which is what you need this weather, of course. Was there a windmill? Because that, to me... You know what, there wasn't, and there wasn't a clown's face that you had to chip it in the mouth.

Oh, come on. No, it was a bit more... It had things like there was a treadmill and you had to get it up the lip of the treadmill. And there was a snooker... you stood on a snooker table and played one of the shots. It was well done, but not that crazy. Sounds a bit more loopy.

It's like crazy paving. Is that crazy? Not really. It's irregular slabs. Irregular slabs? No, I always walk like this. Oh. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were asking earlier

if anyone got paid in wage packets. Yes. I found that rather exciting as a concept. 664 has got in touch to say, Morning Frank, I'm a window cleaner and I get my wages in a wage packet, which is a brown envelope, and it sometimes has change in. Oh, see?

Excellent. Still carrying on. Yeah. I go cleaning windows too and then on this pub. See, that's what it is. I wonder if he ever sings that. Yeah. We've also...

I wonder if when they got the spray tan off Judge Rinder, you know, they were there to get it off when they come off. Oh yes. If the make-up girls were singing, when I'm cleaning Rinders. Well I wonder. I suspect that opportunity passed them by. Oh it falls

and now he's gone. Well Al let's be honest. Gone, gone and never called me mother. There aren't many men that would seize upon it. No. With quite such a frenzy as our Frank. Oh, I'd love that. Especially if it was like, you know, rinders,

and then it might be a certain part of him. When I'm cleaning rinders. You'd accept that job on the strength of the possibility that that might happen. Absolutely. Sorry, I was just saying. We've also had quite a bit of feedback about Gnarls Barclay. Oh, yeah.

Is he a man or is he a group of men? Well... I'm backing group of men, if you recall. Yeah, well... There is a theory that it's a band, two people, CeeLo Green and DJ Danger Mouse. Oh, I know CeeLo Green. Oh, DJ Danger Mouse.

DJ Danger Mouse, indeed. I know Deadmau5. No mention of Penfold. No. No. Presumably they're doing the mix in post-production. So he's two people going off. I knew he was, I had a sense he was an amalgam. Yes.

And I thought he had hair. Turns out he's bald. You know what? He's an amalgam, an enigma. He's, because we don't know that much about him, he's a mysterious character. But he's bald. You know what? He's an amalgam, an enigma. Because we don't know that much about him. He's a mysterious character. But he sings like an angel. Well, I think that is Cee Lo Green that does that bit. Okay.

He sung that other song, which has a category C swear word in the title. Oh, you're joking. Why did that? Has that put you off CeeLo? Well, I mean the CeeLo and the Tulo. Because you were warming to CeeLo briefly.

Is CeeLo, is it like J-Lo? Is his name sort of Chris Logan? Let me check my CeeLo Green compendium facts book. Okay. I told you I was going to get more Pharrell Williams today. We are so far Let me check my Cee-lo Green compendium facts book. OK. Cedric. I told you I was going to get more Pharrell Williams today.

We are so far into the modern world. Frank, if you ever say Pharrell... I don't know what to do with myself. You need to say Pharrell. Is it Pharrell? Yeah. He'll always be Pharrell to me. Pharrell. Cee-lo Will.

So, OK, so we've sort of got to the bottom that Ganahl's... He wasn't even with me at the golf after all this. Yeah. But the point is... I'll tell you what was handy if he had been there. There was one very low green, which I couldn't quite spy from where I was. And I needed someone who could see low green. Oh, very good.

Imagine if you met Cee-Lo Green and then you just you just kind of suddenly was exposed to all these puns. I don't know how he'd cope. I don't know. I imagine they're often not that sort of, don't like jokes about themselves. The rappers? Yeah. Well, just American musicians generally, I think. Well, it's a bit my car, my crib, isn't it?

They don't want puns about crazy golf. You know, if you met Taylor Swift and started doing jokes about, you know, Harry Styles and whatever, I bet she'd be sniffy. Yeah. I could be wrong. She might be a laugh a minute.

I, um... You had a lot of these people on your show, Crossing Your Path. I'm sure some of them... I remember Britney Spears had a bit of a laugh on your show crossing your path. I'm sure some of them... I remember Britney Spears had a bit of a laugh with you, didn't she? She was... She's all right. OK. This was before she shaved her head and... Mm-hm.

And started appearing a lot in the papers with very big... Those big drinks cups that you get from fast-food outlets. Yeah. Every time you saw her, she was halfway through one of those things. She had a thirst on her during that period. Hair up, bad skin and a really big drink. She lost all the hair, shaved her head and had a meltdown in the parking lot.

She had a thirst on her. I know it's mainly ice, those things, when you get it, but she always had the big drink. It's like your ship when you had a thirst on him. No, it's not on always had the big drink. It's like your shit when you had a thirst on him. Exactly. No, it's not on him. Giraffes. Giraffes are essentially crazy paved.

Yeah. Not in any way associated with mental illness, the giraffe. No. And it's the same pattern. There's no pattern to it, is what I should say. Do people ride giraffes? No, I don't think they do. You know, I cannot in my mind picture anyone riding a giraffe.

That's incredible, isn't it? Well, as the show rider, I like to think you're the, I'm the riding correspondent. Oh, yeah, yeah. Alan's the motoring correspondent. I thought you meant that thing when I insisted on dime bars. Uh, I will experiment. I'm happy to do that. I'd like to find

out. Have you ever ridden a giraffe? 8, 12 or 15, if you've ever not ridden a giraffe, that's going to be too small a catchment area. If you've ever seen... I'm like, do you still get a wage packet? What about if someone sends in and says, I'm actually

a giraffe jockey and I get paid with a wage packet. I mean, that is my dream person this morning. No, but they look so rideable. I think I could handle it. You've got so much neck to hold on to. If you could reach up, they've got, like, little handlebars on the top. You know, so what are those things on top of a giraffe?

My concern about... Yes, they've got those funny stalks. The tendril things those funny stalks. The tendril thing. Funny stalks. A giraffe looks like a very, very big games console. If they'd have really had a proportion handset in the shape of a giraffe. No, but is the giraffe riding? Please let me know, 8, 12, 15. This is Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. You heard it here first, Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show! Why don't you on 81215? Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Then we'll read it out and you'll have, you know, something to talk about on Monday. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We've actually just had a text from Suzanne in Sittingbourne saying sorry, the text about... Suzanne texted from Sittingbourne as she sat eating her bacon.

She complained about the programme that the three of us were making. And she said that it was awful and she said that it was lousy, but she lied. This is a long song. Sorry. It's a tribute.

It's on Marsh. It is. It is. As an element of From Marsh. She's just texted, sorry, the text about the Advent calendars was from Suzanne in Sittingbourne, Kent, lol. But I don't think we've had the text about the Advent calendars.

No. Suzanne in Sittingbourne has made a fool of herself. She's invented a moment exclusive to her imagination. Anyway, I wonder what she was saying about. Let us know, Suzanne. About the advent calendars. We've also had news from Stephen. We've got a window.

Stephen Newcastle has said, strange but true, a giraffe has the same amount of bones in the neck as humans. Take that back. Seven. Really? Seven. Really? Seven. Seven? Seven.

I mean, they must be awfully long bones. If only Len Goodman was a zoologist. I'd like the programme when he told us that. That, um, yeah, but can you ride them? Not, um... I'm going to give it a go. No, I'm just wondering if... I've seen them in the...

Have you seen them in the wild? I haven't, no. How do I get the saddle on there, though? They look relatively placid. Yeah. I'm sure my riding instructor could help. I'll get back to you. They look...

That looks like footholds as well. The pattern on them gives you a sense of footholds. If anyone from a zoo is listening, I would be willing to accept that challenge. Do they look a bit like a climbing wall to you? Yes, yes. So I think you could get up there. And I've got my mounting block anyway.

What's that? For when I get on my horse. Mounting block? What is that? Yes, you need that when you get on the horse. They have them in my yard. No, in the yard you have mounting blocks. Oh, mounting. I have mounting blocks. Oh, mounting. I was thinking mountain. No, mounting.

Oh, yeah. So is it like a big step? Yes. Yes. You know, when I got on that horse, I put the saddle on it and I didn't put it on quite tight enough. What happened?

I put my foot in the thing and I gave it an enormous Chinese burn. Oh. And it bit me. They don't like that. Oh, what a tale. I'm no burned. Oh. And it bit me. They don't like that. Oh, what a tale. I'm no expert. Lovely.

It was long, slightly flattered in parts. Here's the question. Yeah. I won't say anything else about crazy golf, but is golf the only... I promise.

The only sport that's been crazied. Could you do crazy archery, for example? Oh, I see, yeah. Let's imagine a horse died of natural causes. That's around the horse topic. Could you have crazy archery, which someone drew a target on its back

and you've just fired it into the dead horse? This is a good question. This is horrible. No, well, that's just a par example. What about air hockey? They've turned hockey into a tabletop... Yeah, but is it crazy? No, it's not, but it's an adaptation.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I haven't played that for a long time. Table football, we've got a... No, that's not at all crazy. I mean, some sports are just inherently silly anyway, like curling. Yeah. Is there a crazy curling just inherently silly anyway, like curling. Yeah. Is there a crazy curling?

There should be. All curling. Anyway, if you know of any other crazy sports, I'd love to hear from you. Someone has sent in a picture of a human being saddled up on a giraffe. Really? No. Now, the inherent problem that seems to be is that the giraffe's spine, if I may call it such a thing, is a bit like a triangle.

This is the problem. There's no purchase, Frank. There's no purchase on that spine. The neck goes straight into the rest of the body and there's no curve. There doesn't seem to be a lot of lion waist going on. Okay. I'll show you. We'll examine it. This is the issue

I think. That's brilliant. I'm very excited to see you. I was wondering if they were a bit too wide. You know when you get on a horse you get that real stretch in the inner thigh? Tell me about it. I'm wondering if that might be one of the giraffe...

They can only be ridden by humans that can do the splits. Is that...? Well yeah, but there's plenty of them about, let's face it. Perilously close to the ballet link. I think we'll stop there. We're going to do the last Crazy Golf update, I think. OK. We've had a text.

Frank et al. I did not. There's glow-in-the- dark, Crazy Golf on Brighton. Crazy Golf gets crazier. We're going next week, fun, fun, fun. Excellent. Jolly text, isn't it? That's good.

That's the kind of text I imagine I would never compose. No, I can't imagine you putting the word fun in three times. Fun, fun, fun with an exclamation mark. Nobody would. No. People would be phoning me up going, who's got your phone? Someone sent a three fun text.

Sarah, our assistant producer, is that your official job title? Congratulations. Maseltov. Late review. She said that table tennis I suppose especially under the guise Ping pong

Is crazy tennis in a way Yeah Or is it miniature 902 has said Bar billiards is a kind of crazy snooker Yeah I get it I like that because it's got mushrooms And everything which you know,

they're eccentric, if not crazy. Mushrooms? It's got those wooden mushrooms, you know, that you knock over. What's that? What? In barbillions. Is it? Is it? Pack me up, guys. I was right about ganals! Oh, yeah, you were, you were.

Okay. To be right about ganals and Barclay and bar billiards in the same day would really, that would set me up for the whole weekend. Yeah. Steve, the bus driver from Liverpool, is reminiscing about his wage packet. I used to work in a factory many years ago and we used to get wages in brown envelopes delivered to your workstation by a man in a white coat on a trolley.

White coat? And on the front of the wage packet was a breakdown of the wages written for you. And yes, there was change in the side as well. Oh, good times, he said. See, we had the slip because I remember I took the wage slip out and threw it in the bin and this guy took it out of the bin and put it in my hand. He said, never let anyone see your wage slip. Why?

Because the idea is that I might be getting more than someone else and that would cause consternation. Oh, I see. Flash forward to the current time. What if they saw my wage slip? No, they'd take their own life. Anyway. What's in the news?

Blimey. We need to talk about Cruz Beckham's little Christmas song, I think. Yes, Cruz Beckham, as I call him. Cruz Beckham. That's the meaning of the name. Oh. Yeah, OK. Yes.

Yeah. As you were. I haven't actually heard the whole song, but there's a little bit of footage of him smiling as they talk about it on the radio. Cute. He smiles like his dad, doesn't he? He looks like his dad.

In fact, I completely forgot that that was David Beckham's hair colour. Yeah. I think of him as a blondie man now. Of course, he isn't at all. He's sort of brown-haired. Yeah, and a nice smile. It's called If Every Day Was Christmas. Yeah, I mean, I'm not sure.

It sounds familiar to me that if every day was Christmas rings a bell yeah does it a bit um is it oh I wish it could be

is it that one no a bit like that oh there's an Elvis one if every day was Christmas if every day could be just

like Christmas what a wonderful world this would be and that's what it sounds like thank you very much very much yeah is that what it sounds like Just like Christmas What a wonderful world Isn't it Thank you very much Is that what it sounds like That's what Cruz Beckham was missing A little thank you very much

At the end He debuted it on the Arrival radio breakfast show That's a verb now is it What Debuted Yeah debuted it On Arrival radio

On Capital Yes it was on Capital Let's just get it out of the way. He went... Where they play that sort of thing. Yes. And I think it was a good idea, because I think they thought, you know, he might not have had such a warm reception

on other shows, for example. Yeah. Whereas they were very enthusiastic and very nice about it. They interviewed... I think we'd be nice. If we had him on here, we'd be nice to him. Well, he's an 11-year-old, for goodness sake. Not just because he was an 11-year-old. I like it. I think we'd be nice, if we had him on here we'd be nice to him. He's an 11 year old for goodness

Not just because he was an 11 year old. I like it. But you can't do a cutting sort of... You can't do Frost Nixon on Cruz Becker. No you can't. Not at this stage. That's the rule. Unless you get like Minnie Antone Deck to come in as guest interviewers. At what age can you?

Can you start tearing them apart? Yeah. 16? 18? I think 16. I think it's the same as voting. Abuse. OK. Yeah.

I don't mean that, but I mean that hard hitting, you know. I don't think they can vote at 16, though, can they? Can't they? Except in the Scottish referendum. Well, thank heavens for that. Well, now we've got into a very tricky... Don't take us down that cul-de-sac. Got into suffrage as a topic.

I didn't see that coming. When I thought, we were talking about Cruz Beckham, I bet this leads to suffrage as a topic. No, no, well, he seems a nice little lad, just from that thing, listening to himself on the radio and doing that thing with his mouth that kids do when they're a bit embarrassed and a bit coy.

Being a bit... He was all shocked, I believe, is the term. They asked him to sing and he delivered. He was a pro. Sometimes these people say, oh, I can't, I can't. They're embarrassed. Then he burst into song. I did like the idea that it all came about. Victoria was driving him. I guess she's in the

4x4. And he was in the back seat singing along to the radio. And she says, you've got a really lovely voice. This is like Patrick Stewart saying to me, you've got a lovely head of hair. You've got to look at it in context.

Frank Skinner on the radio. Hey, we've had someone, Tara Noble. Can I say I like? Hey. That's a big one. We don't do that enough on this show. Hey, guys. Hey, why don't you do a Christmas single?

You clearly are talented. That's lovely. Thank you so much. Is that the end of the text? No, it's irony free, it's just a lovely sentiment. Oh, nice. I could do it for charity, of course.

That, you know, clears all the, any criticism you can get. Do you think that's what Cruise did? Are you suggesting? With charity, you know, charity obviously, you can't get around the fact it's, you know, charity, obviously, you can't get around the fact it's a good thing, it helps people, but it's been responsible

for some terrible music, television, t-shirts. Yeah. I mean, it really has. It's been a blot on the landscape. Charity has. But, um, it does a lot of good stuff. As well, so, I mean, in many ways, charity is the last refuge of the scoundrel. Charity has Mr Blobby does a lot of good stuff as well

in many ways charity is the last refuge of the scoundrel I wouldn't say it entirely creates an immunity to criticism because even young Cruz Beckham has been criticised by Piers Morgan but even if you've been criticised

I think just knowing that you are doing good even if it's with aised, I think just knowing that you are doing good, even if it's with a bad thing, it's not morally bad, it's just artistically bad. I'll be honest, I thought it was unfair to criticise Cruz Beckham. Like, Piers Morgan said he should be at school. He said it was sickening. He said it was sickening.

He shouldn't be at school, should he? Haven't they broke up yet? No. And, and also he's wearing his school blazer in that little bit of footage, so he's obviously going to school. Unless he's wearing like a mod-style boating jacket, which I don't think is the fashion for him.

Yes, but Piers Morgan is becoming one of those professional outrage people. Isn't he? Yeah. Don't you think a bit? Oh, but they get some coverage. I'm thinking of it myself. Are you? Getting a bit outraged about very some coverage I'm thinking of it myself getting a bit outraged about very very basic things

it's a good idea it's just Katie Hopkins with slightly better contacts it does seem to work doesn't it as you say it's like

it's alright the song better than alright I love it do you love it I actually love it I've heard it so many times. I think on Capital Radio it probably shone

like a beacon of artistry. Well, we couldn't play it on here, darling. I mean, it couldn't have it next to it. So you're listening to Absolute Radio. It's a Christmas with Nirvana. Hosted by Derek Jacoby. I mean, God bless Cruise, you know,

and all young people, but you can't play Cruise Beckhams, I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Tire, whatever it's called, and then say... If every day was Christmas. And then say, that was Cruise Beckham there on Absolute Radio, where real music matters. I mean, come on. But, you know, it's a bit of something to do in the holidays. Well...

You know, we built dens. He's built a singing career. If that song, though, becomes the equivalent of Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas Is You, which, FYI, I don't believe, Mariah. You strike me as you'd want a little bit more than that. Depends what she's looking at. But...

She's looking in Ratner's window. Ratner's? She's trying to choose the Ratner's question. If it becomes the 8th Samuel. I mean, that would be enough. That's enough. That's a living wage, isn't it? I mean, that's enough to get by with that song.

But doesn't it... What's his song called again, sorry? If Every Day Was Christmas. No, it... The sort of hook is... Five times now, I've told him. If Every Day Was Christmas With You is what it is. I don't believe there's a with you, is there?

It says with you in the lyric. Does it? Yeah. And it's about... I don't know if it... Is it? Yes. Oh, okay.

Now, who is... What kind of a you is an 11-year-old? Is it Santa? Is that what he's... Oh. Oh, I see. Because he... I mean, he mentions mistletoe.

Get him out of here. Oh, he might have picked that up off his big brother. He's 11. That's when their old relatives come round. You don't want to kiss them and all that. Oh, it's a bit relationship-y for the... Whereas when old relatives come round, I can't get my hands off them.

As I've got older myself. Disgusting. I've got a wife of them. Weird bit. Oh, man. Weird, eh? I've got a wife of them. Weirdo. Oh, man. Weirdo. I've got mistletoe all over me. Mistletoe suit you wear on Christmas Day.

Yeah, that belt buckle, though. Don't know if I should have gone for that. What's wrong with you? Frank Skinner on the radio. I was going to ask you actually if you think that Victoria takes her fashion career seriously enough because she was talking about

cruise singing and she said that they're a real circus family and then she said we sing, we dance, we play football, we do fashion. I mean is that a phrase in the fashion world? I find that a bit strange, the P.T. Barnum Fashion and Football Circus. Yeah, I know, I thought that was a bit odd.

Yeah, we do fashion, it's a bit Danny Dyer. Like, she's just having a crack at it, she's not there. I noticed on the thing of him sitting at breakfast listening to it, you could see her in the background inhaling the steam from a poached egg and then saying that'll do me a fault bloated I noticed when they

showed they had all proper cameras in that Capital Radio studio don't think I'm having a go at us and our facilities but I mean come on Frank the lighting they all look so well lit. They look like movie stars. Do they stand? I think they stand

at Capital Radio. Well, they were sitting down and it was early in the morning, but their skin looked so... I mean, they are younger than us and we must look like Middle Earth to them, these people. They're certainly younger than me. I think the idea was that you stand there because you can hear that, the energy that you use standing up, you can hear that in the voice.

Do you think we should do that? It's too big a price to pay, I'll be honest with you. Besides, I think what I'm after is a middle-aged man sitting. I say middle-aged, that's if I live to 120. Which nowadays is always possible. How do you feel about the criticism, you know, he's 11 he shouldn't be doing this

Well the man I'm very interested in in this whole story and that is the man who's the brains behind this charity single. Scooter Braun Scooter Braun even though he's Justin Bieber's manager, I'd never heard of him before.

Great name, isn't it? Scooter Braun. I think it's, isn't it just around the corner from Biker Grove? But Scooter Braun, and Scooter, he was baptised Scooter, was he? I don't think it's a nickname. Baptised? He was baptised Scooter. I think so. Wow.

You're looking at me like I've said something bad. I don't know. Okay, christened if you want to go all Anglican. But I don't think it's a neat name. I think he's called Scooter. Yes, that's his actual name, it is. Like Van Morrison. Yeah. You know, some people

are named after forms of transport. Is that right? Any other celebrities named after forms of transport? First name, 8.15. Just to stop all the surnames Carr coming in, there'll be a lot of that. No, Jimmy Carr doesn't count, obviously, that's his surname. For goodness sake, come on, try better.

Yeah, so he seems to be the evil Svengali who has created this vehicle for crews to drive into hell. He specialises in teenagers because he realises, you know, get them when they're young, then they get the fan base, then you can have that, oh, I'm doing own stuff, get the guitar out to be fair

it doesn't seem to have had a detrimental effect on Bieber's personality no he seems really happy so I think it'll go okay isn't it just a bit of a lark Cruz Beckham it's just

there's gonna be another single isn't there which won't be it won't be it won't be the charity one it'll be a cover of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. And then, I think, maybe then

someone does have to put their foot down. I mean, Chris... My money's on P.A.A. Zoo. Oh, do you think? That's a tough call, though, P.A.A. Zoo. Let's see if you can do it. P.A.A. Zoo! P.A.A. Zoo! P.I.A.Z.O.

I got a bit croaky on the top. Oh, I loved it. How's the woman from Sitting Born doing? Is she sounding about the advent calendar? She is. Cos I'm singing P.I.A.Z.O. But I'm thinking about that lady And she opens little windows and it's chocolate every morning in her life.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. You were asking for other celebrities with vehicles as their first name. We've had a lot of different suggestions based around the lorry. Yes. So we've had Laurie Anderson, Laurie Lee. Laurie Anderson was baptised Laurie Anderson, as in with a Y. Mini driver. Mini driver, very good.

Not my work, but the work of Mini driver. Mini driver. Very good. Not my work, but the work of 856. 265 has suggested Laurie McMenemy, ex-Southampton manager. Well, with friends like that, who needs Laurie McMenemy? Shut up, Elton. Okay, Laurie's a good one, and

a mini driver, I thought. Mini driver one could argue is not so much the vehicle as the... Yeah. The brand new powers. This is true. But I suppose the first bit is mini. Well, mini is a vehicle.

Ian Angel, who's a fan of a pun for the show, has texted, Frank, you're a stand-up DJ already. Remember we thought about the standing desk? Of course. Thanks, Ian Angle. Always the angle. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you remember...

Hey! Do you remember I was saying that Piers Morgan had laid into... I mean, I say, do you remember? It's about happened 40 years ago. Some sort of nostalgia show. Can I tell you now, such is the state of my um senior um progression oh yeah are you forgetting things dear i got up this morning i was walking down the stairs and i thought i can't see the stairs properly oh and then i thought did i put my lenses in i thought yeah definitely put

my lenses in i thought wow that's a bit little bit yeah i really don't hadn't put the light on. Oh. It was a basic, basic thing. In the dark. It was dark. Yeah. I couldn't see the stairs that well. Guess why? Why? It's dark. Are you not a fan of the, I'm going to say the brand name, the iPhone Torch for tiptoeing around the house?

I remember you're the king of tiptoeing. I love a tiptoe. I'm inclined to blunder around. Very good at tiptoeing around the house. And I remember you're the king of tiptoeing. I love her tiptoes. I'm inclined to blunder around. Very good at tiptoeing me. Anyway, Piers Morgan, who was laying into Cruz Beckham, and he's found it all sickening,

I think he said, he's also been laying into Scarlett Moffat. Are you familiar with her work? She was in the jungle. She's from Gogglebox. The Gogglebox. Can I tell you I've never seen Gogglebox? It's alright. I mean, what I do

is I watch television programmes. I know. I've eliminated the middleman. Yeah. It came and went so quickly. There was a sweet spot of about four minutes. No, I think it's still very popular. No, not anymore. Isn't it? No, it's over. Don't do a Clinton's cards on it. It's over. I think it's still

thriving. No, Frank. It's still on, but I'm just saying that the white heat moment, it's three lions moment, if I may be so bold, has passed. Yeah. Okay. So it needs to reinvent itself in a beautiful new way.

What about if it was... Have I got away with that? What about if it was just comedians, professional comedians watching the telly, and it was called Gigglebox? Oh, yeah. I think that would be funny, wouldn't it? Yeah. That would be good.

So, you know, you've got me, Rob Beckett, and Joe Pasquale. Yeah. Dream night. Watching, you know, Last Tango in Halifax. And, you know, being... Oh, laugh a second. I don't know about this, because you guys, being the comedy fraternity, Al,

you have already taken the jobs off everyone else. That's true, yeah. Yeah, that's true. The bar is quite high now. People expect laughter all the time. But how do you think the celebrity community feel about people just coming in off the street and taking our jobs? That's true.

Actually, to be honest with you, I was once at... We had a bit of a council in 1998, the celebrities. Oh, yeah. I went to it. It was at Earl's Court. There was Magenta Divine. Oh, yeah. I went to it. It was at Earl's Court. There was Magenta Divine. Mm-hmm. Mike Harding.

Oh, yeah. Was there. Gary Coleman. And we said, it's getting, the workload now of celebrities is getting a lot. Yeah.

And a lot of the stuff, a lot of the tabloid interviews, the heat magazines, the photos in the street, we just don't have the time, you know, because we've got, you know, creative work to do. Why don't we bring in a load of ordinary people just to do that, to take on a sort of new level of celebrity to bring in those jobs? Very much, you know, like the way the immigration went in the 60s to the jobs that a lot of the British people didn't really want to do. Yeah. So we brought in people like Scarlet Man.

I think they've done a great job. They've supported it. And I don't want a sort of Brexit where those people have to go back to their nail bars. Let them stay on the telly. I mean, they're just freeing things up for us a bit. Is this whole link a parable somehow? That's what it feels like.

It's a great meeting. The parable link. I sat next to Yasmin Labon and Lamar. God, they were out of it. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us.

Come on. Come on. On 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had a text that I'm not sure if it's sincere. 932 has texted, Frank Skinner, I'm riding draft five years in Nairobi, but not here.

Cannot find circus to agree to give me joke. I think this is a joke, isn't it? Oh, OK. I don't think people ride drafts in the circus. I think somebody's pulling my leg. What's the punchline of the joke? I don't know. As you would say, where's the joke?

Yeah. I mean, maybe they do do it in Nairobi. We got a picture of someone on one. We can't work out whether it's one of those manipulated, exactly, uh, viral, Frank. 578.

Stuart from Birmingham. I would save and budget a lot more when I actually had physical cash paid as wages every week instead of numbers in a bank account at the end of a month. Yeah. I had a tin at home, used to put my loose change in from my wage slip, pay my mum the rent,

and the rest was my spending money in inverted commas. Oh, yes, he's done rent and spending both in inverted commas, which I like. Spending money. Yeah. I wonder if he remembers what Pudding Week was. What's Pudding Week? Oh, you played aside for the...

Pudding Week was... You used to get paid... Oh, this is so tall. Ballet Link? You used to get paid a week in advance. So there was a week, which is like two weeks ahead of your holidays. And the more overtime and that you squeezed into that, the more money you had for your holidays.

So it's called Pudding Week. So you could have pudding because you'd got a bit of extra money. Nice. Lovely. The days when pudding was like the definition of luxury. The high life. 005 says Jim Royal has just brought out something very similar. Him watching

comedy and laughing at it. Oh. He was suggesting, yeah, I think it's one of the Christmas... I don't think we should just laugh at it. I think we should say some funny things. Yeah. He says, I think he's got a hat on. A paper crown.

Yeah, I suspect he has. Where's his leather? Frank, will you be wearing that, this crimbo? What, your leather crown? Do you wear it at Christmas? Yes. Where do you keep it at Christmas? Yes. Where do you keep it, the crown? It's currently on top of my bookcase.

Oh, lovely. But I can see it from where... It's like living in Burger King. I can see it from where I sleep. Yeah. My yellow leather crown. And this is in case for new readers. I decided the one hat that I look good in

is the paper crown you get in crackers. And because of its flimsiness and some conversation on the show, someone sent me a leather version of that crown. Very fine work, wasn't it? Looks lovely. There's an element of Bart Simpson about it, but that's fine. It's also, for me, quite regal. It's funny you should say that you lived in...

It feels like you live in Burger King, because actually there's a new story this week about a KFC-scented candle that's... Oh! I've heard of this. Oh, KFC. Don't start me on my KFC anecdotes. The article includes the phrase,

ever wanted your house to smell like southern fried chicken even when you haven't ordered fast food? I put it to you. Have you ever wanted? I think that would drive me insane. Smelling like Kentucky Fried Chicken? If I want my house to smell like fried chicken, I'll just move back to the flat I had in South London.

But can I tell you something? Even as we discuss this now, my mouth is starting to fill up. My mouth is physically watering. There's something about those spices. Oh, man. Open the bucket. See what you get.

It's great stuff as well. And you love the wipes in there as well. I love the whole package. Oh, Frank, I've just had the mouth-watering thing. I have. And you know, I've got a slight tighten at the back of the jaw. I've got it as well. All I can do with a three-piecer.

Did I tell you about the time me and... Do you like the chips that come with them? I do. You know what? I don't think they ever live up to the chicken. I like the coleslaw. It's a small paper bag. I like the smallness of the paper bag. Oh, but, I went to

Leicester City with the football, with Adrian Childs. Oh. And on the way there, we stopped at a KFC. I had a three-piece meal. Did they go for the KFC? Oh, yeah. We went there, and on the way back we stopped at the same KFC, had the same meal. Oh, my goodness for the KFC? Oh, yeah. We went there, and on the way back,

we stopped at the same KFC, had the same meal. Oh, my goodness. Two KFC in a day? Yes. Not balanced. Shut up. Oh, man. Those were yesterday when I was young.

So many, many songs were waiting to be sung. People tune in now and think, what's this Charles Hasnavour's on? Absolute Radio. Blimey, get back to Capital, listen to Cruzo. Frank Skinner on the radio. Oh, someone sent us a picture of a Burger King crown. Oh, yeah?

Just while we're on the subject, we should mention all the fast food joints. I mean, Frank did spend all of food joints. I mean Frank did spend all of that song. This Colonel's hand, I know it's not him. He just spent all of that song staring into the middle distance thinking about KFC didn't he? Did I ever tell you about the time I found one in Tokyo?

A KFC? I'd been eating Japanese food three times three meals a day for about two weeks and we found a KFC and there's an oil painting of the Colonel and I worshipped at his altar, I must say.

But slightly different in some countries. Is that right? Now, the Colonel favoured an oil baron's ball tie, didn't he? As I call it. A cowboy tie. What's my favourite fact about the Colonel? I think I must have told you this before. the cowboy tie what's my favourite favourite fact about the colonel I think I must have

told you this before I love it I quite fancied the colonel he wasn't he wasn't a colonel let's not go into his military history can I say what I liked

about the colonel go on if you've got white hair and you've got all your own hair still you're winning with me oh right yeah I think that's he likes Gofield. Yes!

Yeah, I... Fluffy white ice cream hair. Thank you. My favourite thing about him and I've done a corporate for KFC in Seville. Have you? Yeah. Worked with them all? Exactly. We got so much free KFC after that.

Oh, yes I did. Anyway. I'm the people. So anyway, he was buried in the outfit. Oh, that is a good fact. He was. Absolutely top notch.

In the white suit. Yeah, the whole thing. That's brilliant, isn't it? I mean, it'd be disgusting now, but yeah. No, I think they keep quite clean in the casket. I'd, I might start dressing like the Colonel.

Oh, the shoe would. Three-piece white suit, black shoelace tie. Here's the question for you. Black glasses. What would have been better, do you think, just as a concept? The Colonel being buried in his white suit or the Colonel being battered and buried? Oh, that would be good. Maybe

even cut into three pieces and battered. Oh, yeah. Or more nuggets. Colonel Nuggets. Yeah, why not? It's not doing any harm. If he'd taken it that far, if they'd put him in three battered pieces with large fries

and coleslaw, wow, what a funeral that would have been. Wow, oh, wow. It's not often my... Wowee. It's not often my mouth really waters at a funeral. The idea of a human. Bury him in a bucket.

This is getting slightly disrespectful to the Colonel. God forbid. A touch. Frank Skinner on the radio. We were trying to discuss the Kentucky Fried Kitchen... Chicken. What? Kitchen?

Chicken? You've invented a whole new brand. That could be it. Kentucky Fried Kitchen. They sell other stuff. Well, what about... I'm getting my kitchen redone, FYI. Imagine you went Kentucky Fried Kitchen...

FYI or KFC. ...in a red and white candy stripe. yeah and it looked like the kfc bucket yeah of course you'd be in your outfit as well i don't know it's the least practical cooking outfit i've ever seen the colonel you say bucket i call it the kfc casket now well the thing is that we should... Do we probably explain this? You can get a candle that smells like KFC. Yes.

It's basically... It's sort of Kentucky tourism, isn't it? Yeah. So it's things that smell like Kentucky. Mm. But it's got real chicken in it. Oh, it's got chicken fat. It's in the candle.

Yeah, it's obvious. It's got a... In the candle. Why throw it's got chicken fat. It's in the candle. Yeah it's obvious it's gonna. In the candle. Why throw it away chicken fat? Yeah. It is a nice smell as we've already established. I don't know though. I mean the vegans are angry enough about the new £5 notes

without putting chicken fat in a candle. They're gonna be. But is it all. Maybe inhaling it is alright. It does seem less worse than eating it. Well 110 110, KFC candle is excellent vegetarian repellent. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. I mean, that's rather rude.

Come on. Not my views, the views of 110. I bet it's made people think twice who work in the liposuction business. Why? You could have human bean candles. Oh, goodness. If you could have your own. What about celebrity liposuction candles?

Yeah. It's horrible. Where you get yourself done and then you've got enough candles to keep you going for the rest of your twilight years. Kenny Rogers, do you know Kenny Rogers? No, but thanks for the tip. He, who had a run, he actually had, you know, he had a string of chicken restaurants. And I interviewed him.

And they're called Kenny Rogers Roosters. And I said, are you aware that it can be used as a verb? He wasn't. So that was a lovely moment. Oh, wow. Anyway, he gets his friends Liposuction vouchers at Christmas Kenny Rogers Does he?

Yeah How do I meet him? Nice kid You've got to be confident Having you to do that And if my friends are listening I'd be so happy to get that Yeah lovely

I've never tried it I've thought about it What liposuction? I've thought about it As a sort of fast track To abs You don't need it Frank You're lovely and slender

So are you Al Good title for a novel though Fast track to abs. You don't need it, Frank. You're lovely and slender. So are you, Al. Good title for a novel, though, fast track to abs. And now that I'm working out like, well, you described me as some sort of assassin last week. Well, that's what you are working at, as if you're a trained assassin. Because I do boxing twice a week and horse riding twice a week. I mean, that is...

Samurai style, yeah. It's a duty. Yeah. In Japan, everyone goes to KFC on Christmas Day, apparently. Do they now? Apparently. Well, imagine. Can you imagine walking in and the assistant looks up and says...

Good morning, Tokyo. Good morning, Tokyo. Happy to be seen. Good morning. Never mind that. I want a three-piece dinner. Happy to be seen. Never mind that. I want a three-piece dinner. Yes, yes. A large prize.

Oh, I do enjoy that tune. They're still in the cellar, those people. I can't get them out. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. I tell you, hey, I tell you what I'd like a candle out of. What would you like a candle made out of?

Well, I would like, I know we've talked about the KFC sort of whole paraphernalia here, but I would like the straightforward British chips in the newspaper with the salt and vinegar. Really? Well, don't say really, like I'm some weirdo. No, that is nice. Don't you think that's quite, most people would like that. I don't know, people come into a room or a car or something, you've had fish and chips, and they go, oh, God.

Well, the fish, that's what they don't like, but the chips on their own. Okay. I'll tell you another one I like. Do you know the striking panel on the matchbox? Yes. Oh. Come on, Frank. I used to put my tongue on those when I was a kid.

Oh. Yeah, they've got a lovely taste to them. Don't do it. Don't try this at home. This is... The Bryant and May ones, specifically, not the Vestas. This is before you... Because of the raw sausage stories.

Before your smartphone... Before your smartphone virals. that's how we used to entertain ourselves in the pub. I used to like the taste of that. Well, don't you think a candle, so my candle range would be striking matchbox panel. That's a good one. And then Play-Doh.

Oh, now I'm keen on that. Well, you're not coming around then. You're not invited. We just don't light it that day. Okay. I like a match like that's been lit. You know that sort of... Nice and cheap. Saves money on the candle.

Yeah, exactly. That's me. They don't last as long. Got me all over there. Al invites people around. Makes it all nice for guests with some lit matches. Although I've been in show business

for 30 years, I never get quite as excited as that moment when a match is burning its way towards your finger and thumb. And you start changing the angle. Changing the angle thing. And then if I just light,

the wick won't light. It just won't. Well, you'll just light. It's a race between whether the wick lights or your thumb actually ignites. What about when the wick wears down so much and the hand has to go into the glass jar to light the candle? Well, I don't. I've been

given so many scented candles in recent years and I just give them away immediately. Can't you? I've done a corporate for KFC. I've got a house full of candles. Can you give them to my area? I don't have a house. Big man. I absolutely love a scented candle. I'm always given scented

candles. I gave a load to Sting for that video he did. Oh, did you? They were just lying around the house. Oh, dear. What do you like the smell of? Anyway, I got one this week, and do you know what? I thought, I'm going to ignite this one. Ignite?

Who says that? Ignite? Can you ignite the candle? And I actually lit, for the first time at the... Well, I've lit... I mean, I've got the Child of Prague candle in my room, but that's for ceremonial. What's the smell of this one that you ignited? It was English lavender, sweet basil and jasmine.

Joe Malone, maybe. It sounds more like Jamie Oliver. Sounds like his children. No, I don't think it was the Joe Malone. Is that It sounds more like Jamie Oliver. It sounds like his children. No, I don't think it was Joe Malone. Is that Macaulay Culkin? No, she's always got Basil in hers. Joe Malone, Sir Perquins. It was in Joe Malone.

Oh, OK, OK. I didn't get it. It's a Home Alone, Joe Malone joke. Let's not absolutely write it in 20-foot letters, dear. No, I think it needs to be... Sorry, Al, Derek Jacoby's back on Absolute Radio. It needs to be given its credit. Derek Jacoby.

Isn't that a pip? Well done for getting that, Al. You ignited the candle. Yeah, and you know what? It was actually quite nice having it in the room. Oh, yeah. The lavender and the jasmine and young basil. Young basil.

I'll tell you what I find. The best bit of a candle is when you put it out. The smell after you've put it out. I'd want a candle smelling of that. Put out candle. Yeah. Come on.

You could just get an old candle and put it out. But yeah, you're right. That and inflatable pool is the one. Oh, that's a good one. You know when you get it out of the plastic and it just smells of the inflatable pool? Oh, I love that.

Oh, good. Inflatable pool candle has just gone out. Yeah. Even better. I'm not sure that's a thing. It's like a long-term relationship, I think, one of those candles, that no matter how much you love it, you still look forward to it going out.

Can we just say that during that link, there was some camels footage on the television, on the news. Camels footage? Was it toxic trousers? Yeah. And Emily said, Oh, my word. I wonder if I could ride a camel in Frank's car.

I've ridden a camel. You've worked with them all, Al. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I have ridden a camel in Egypt, funnily enough. I mean, is there anything this man hasn't done? Yeah. Get you out with your hobbies. Al, he's worked with actual camels. Have you? I've never seen Gogglebox.

What was the... Have you got a camel riding anecdote? I'm just thinking, as an equestrian now, which, yes, I consider myself one, would I be better at riding the camel, Frank? Probably, there's a certain amount of balance. And also, it does do that thing to the inner thighs, because, you know, you've got to stretch across the hump.

Tell me about it. Oh, God, that reminds me of that night in Notre Dame. Friends Skinner on the radio. I think I would go for warm scale X-Trick. Oh, yes. You know when you've been playing scale X-Trick a bit and you start to smell the plastic? Whoa.

I love that. Because similar, would that be in the same Venn diagram with the 70s hot telly? Yes, it would be. Oh, yeah, that is good. Do you know what I mean? That did. That was lovely. You millennials in the studio won't know about the hot telly of the 70s.

And you're missing out. No. When we say hot telly, we don't mean it was it was a babe fest no we mean it used to get hot i mean you could you could easily do eggs and bacon on the top of a telly which would also smell good what a combo someone suggested something al didn't they a candle smell we had a suggestion in from five two three i'd love a candle with a scent of petrichor, which is a pleasant aroma that frequently accompanies the first rain after a long period of warm, dry weather.

Yes, it's a sort of a dusty smell. It was also a password used in The Doctor's Wife, which is an episode of Doctor Who written by Neil Gaiman. We know. Lovely Neil, friend of the show. We know that. Don't we, Emily? We know. It was on my Who Alerts.

Keeping the Kentucky theme, you can get a candle that smells like the Kentucky Derby, the sort of horse race there, apparently. I'd be all over that. It smells of a horse race. It smells of a horse race, that'd be good. I mean, I think that might slightly defeat the purpose of a candle. Abraham Lincoln was from Kentucky.

I'd love a candle that smelled like Abraham Lincoln. Just to know what he smelled like. I'll tell you what I would like. I'd love a candle that smelt like Abraham Lincoln. Just to know what he smelt like. I'll tell you what I would like. I think he'd smell of beards. One of my first passionate encounters... Oh, how long till the show ends? It's talking book now. The woman used to wear...

She used to wear Miss Dior. Oh, lovely. Do you know that perfume? It's always, even now when I smell, and I haven't smelled it for many years. It's Proustian. Is it still current? Proustian on Capital Radio.

Exactly. Well, she's my, what's the cake that he eats? Madeleine. Yeah, but she's my, that's my Madeleine. I smell Miss Dior and I think of, you know, being young and carefree. I think there's about a third of this conversation I've not quite understood. But anyway.

Miss Dior is a perfume. Right, yeah, yeah, I've got that. You've heard of Marcel Proust? Yeah, I've heard of that. You've heard of Remembrance of Things Past? No. I'm listening to Absolute Radio. We're going out.

We're going out on a high. Is it worse than Ballet Link, Proust Link? I usually don't know what's coming up next, but as there's no-one listening, we've basically adopted a scorched earth policy for the following show. So if they can find any grass that's left... Who is OJ Gorge? It's rock and roll football with OJ Gorge.

Have you wrestled with him yet? Not yet, no. You two were exchanging numbers last week. It's been quite difficult to get the logistics down because we're both busy guys, yeah? And also I'm going giraffe riding

with Rob Beckett. So there you go. I look forward to that. Well, I'm going to KFC with Leona. It's all going to be fine. So look, thank you so much

for listening this week and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. Hear the Frank Skinner show as it happens Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8

FM in London and the South East.