The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Water Fountain

Episode Date: February 6, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank attempted to use a water fountain this week and finally got his shower radio replaced. The team discuss the new Top Gear Line up, Simon Cowell's bad time keeping and the decide on their own trademark.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Yes, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran today. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Email. Email. Yeah. You're a bit Cornish, I like that. E-miles, I guess, are the things that you...

Excuse me? That's gone all over me now. Very rarely do that on the radio, do you? That's a very strange 20 seconds. You're saying E-mile, you're sneezing. Again and again. I've got something heavy at my shoulder. I can't look.

I hate sneezes. I mean, I love owls. I love sneezes. I didn't do it on purpose. Again and again. Something heavy at my shoulder. I can't look. I hate sneezes. I mean, I love owls. I love sneezes. I didn't do it on purpose. I hate them. God, that's one of the last bits of real excitement I've got left in my life. That moment before a sneeze. When I won't I.

Oh, that's brilliant. When I'm in a room on my own and I just put hands behind the back for a sneeze. Do you? Yeah, I don't catch anything. Just let it fly. Brilliant. If I'm on the room on my own and I just put hands behind the back for a sneeze. Do you? Yeah, I don't catch anything. Just let it fly. Brilliant. If I'm on the tube, I know, right? And a man, it's always a man, sneezes.

I give them, I go, oh. Yeah. That's good. It's good to breathe out as much as you can. Yeah. Because the spores. Sorry, everyone. I'd just like to repeat my apology.

The hand behind the back. Do skaters still do that? When I first went skating, the people who were good at it, again, always men, I noticed, would put their hands behind their back to show that they weren't afeard of falling face down. I haven't seen anybody skateboard for quite some time.

Not skateboard, skating. Skating, ice skating. Sneezing, getting things wrong about skating. Shall we just start again, Paul? What? Live, you say? Paul, you say? Well, that is one of our bosses, Paul.

That was a genuine inquiry. I wasn't thinking even though. That was Paul, the mythical producer. I know. He's in the gantry at the moment. Is he? And I'm not talking about Len Gantry, the former snooker. He's actually Ganley.

This has gone so weird. Stop this from being weird now. I'm going to tell you something that happened to me this week in a sort of the way radio presenters do. Okay. This happened to me this week in a sort of the way radio presenters do this happened to me this week then we'll do funny stuff about it what about that for a formula and then play simply red track

yeah okay normalise yeah you've definitely changed it from being weird there definitely yeah I didn't like it when it was weird bring it back to normal Saturday morning people don't want weird. Don't they?

No. Oh, now you tell us. A lot of people listen to this are being sick. I didn't like the way I said, now you tell us. It sounded a little bit, you don't have to be mad to work it, but it helps. And I don't like that. Okay. Okay, let's start again.

Tell us what happened in your week. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went... I'll tell you what I used this week, something I hadn't used for a long time. A long time. I used a drinking fountain. Well, speaking of which,

Emily's about to spit her tea all over the studio. She has gone a bit... My sneeze is going to pale into insignificance. She's going to be on Stanton Beach. She could spout at any time. Oh, a drinking fountain. Yeah. They were absolutely the big thing when I was there.

Was it your... It was a bee's sneeze. These stuff, I mean, I don't know if they still have them in parks and stuff. Were you in what you call a gymnasium? No. You call it a gymnasium. You only ever really see drinking fountains in movies

when an assassin uses it to kill time, I find. Like in spy movies, someone will do it to hide their face. I never see them in real life. Well, this was in a school. I was in a junior school this week with my son. And I was thirsty and there was a drinking fountain and I thought, you know, as a child... Did you think, I'm having that?

Well, I think I hadn't used one for, you know... Honestly, I don't think I'd used one since I was ten. And they used to be everywhere. And we thought they were like the future. Because you could drink, well, at Sons Receptak. Which, it was pretty amazing. You could have a drink of water, but you didn't need a cup or a glass. Sons Receptak, which, it was pretty amazing. You could have a drink of water, but you didn't need a cup or a glass.

I don't know even, who thought of that? It's tremendously liberating. It was, we, honestly, as a kid, I thought they were amazing. I mean, I hadn't been to Geneva at that stage, so I didn't know how far you could go with the theory. But so I thought, brilliant, I'm going to use a drinking fountain. So as I said, I was in a junior school, and as I went down to it, I realised it was a bit lower than I was accustomed. It was too low.

I couldn't really happily get to it unless I really, really spread my legs out. And I didn't want to do that in a junior school. It'd look weird. So I put one hand on the wall. Oh, that's gross. Yeah, and I was really, I mean, really quite low to the groin. That's very man getting you in a corner. I don't like that.

No, and I didn't want to put my hand on the floor because, I mean, I'm assuming there was wee on it as it was a junior school. So why would you put your hand on the floor? Some strange twist again? No, but that's how low I was. Have you ever seen anyone eat fungus off a wall? No. It looked like that. That's what it looked like from a distance, I imagine.

Maybe at a Heston Blumenthal restaurant. Other than that, no. But it was... I couldn't... I basically couldn't manage it. So you sort of ended up in a kind of a press-up position against the wall and the floor. Yeah. Oh my goodness. But I didn't want to kneel. I felt wrong to kneel. To kneel next to a drinking fountain. I mean, I like them, but I don't worship at their altar.

But it was just, it was, it's not often that something is just the wrong height to the point where it's unusable. I needed, like, some Mission Impossible chords. Right.able. I needed like some Mission Impossible chords. Right. Yes. I don't mean No, pulleys. I needed to be lowered down to it.

If anyone's got any tips on how to use a junior school size drinking fountain without kneeling at 8.12.15. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank.15. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You've started an uncommon Saturday morning commercial radio texting.

Yeah. Which is, how do you use a drinking fountain in a primary school? Not that typical. primary school. Not that typical. We've had a text from 852 who echoes my sentiments as you were telling that story. Squat, Frank, you loon.

Yeah, but the only squat I could manage was, I mean, it was very sumo-esque. That'd be fine. Sumo squat, Frank, you loon. I know, but fine. But it didn't look right in a primary school. Fair enough. Sense of occasion. Annie QPR, who's one of our regulars.

Hi, Annie. Oh, yeah. Says, you want to try the toilets in a primary school? The drop is one hell of a shock. Hashtag too low. Love Annie QPR. Yeah, well, obviously I wouldn't dare try that. No.

I wouldn't climb it. All right, well, Dave has texted. Frank, I'm a primary school teacher. Don't use school fountains as children put their mouths on the spouts. That's all right. Do they? They're lovely children. The whole joy of...

See, that's what broken Britain. We never did... That's the whole thing. You don't have to touch it. The water, that's what broke in Britain. We never did... That's the whole thing. You don't have to touch it. The water... It's just you and the water. Yeah. Oh.

Well, if I could... Go on. No, I was going to say, Tom Bookham says, a bit technical, but generally there is a valve under the fountain which restricts the water flow rate. You could adjust this to full rate. Oh. By the sound of Tom Bookham.

There it is. It is. Watch the fountain come to life. I hope he's an amateur football referee. That'll save your knees, Frank. All the best, plumber Tom Bookham. Sorry. If I'd done that, I mean, imagine being the kind of male person

who could have just felt underneath for the valve and just raised up. And as someone walked past, you said just reaching for the valve. Yeah. So they knew what you were doing. Yeah. And then take it down again after for the kids. Oh. If only, you know, sometimes I wish I was a bit more male.

I had those kinds of skills. Right, yeah, yeah. That would be brilliant. These are the skills that I would like. 023 has texted, you could do a handstand and push yourself to the right height with your hands, but can you even drink upside down? That's a good question.

Well, I can't do a handstand. No, but it would be great to be able to, wouldn't it? Well, again, these are just dreams. I could squat on the top of the drinking fountain like Gollum. Yes, that'd look attractive. You have no idea how difficult it was. As I approached, I think it's because I saw it from a distance. I hadn't quite got the perspective.

Right. And then when I got there, it was just that, the positions I needed to get into didn't feel like healthy positions in a school. Tell me, what are they fashioned out of these days? I don't encounter them much in my world. Are they stainless steel? This one was made from a turtle carapace

for the bowl. I love that in a drinking bath. Are they stainless steel still? No, it was, this one was, well, what is the white stuff the toilets are made out of? Platter? We used to call it. Platter? Yeah.

Porcelain? Probably. What is platter? I don't know. Why are you both saying um before everything? Um, platter? I've only heard the word platter as in a platter. I've never heard the word platter as a thing. Like, platter is a platter of food in my world. Well, that's great then. You've heard something new. Anyway, it a platter of food in my world. Well, that's great, then. You've heard something new. Anyway, it was platter.

I'm really pleased, Frank, that you've... I mean, I'm sad for you that you didn't feel you knew how to deal with the fountain. Well, I left there. I had to leave there thirsty. Yeah. That's not good. If you dehydrate at my age, often you never rehydrate. You're just a husk forever.

I'm just sorry. I've got a sense of sadness because you said you had to leave there thirsty and I wanted to say, and you went there on Monday and that would have been a good little joy. I think you could have said that. I'm going to try a drinking counter now. Where are you going to find one? Well, the closest I've come was the ice sculpture

at the This Morning Christmas Party. That was a male torso and there was vodka coming out. Oh, no, so you couldn't have that in a junior school. I'm not telling you where the valve was on that. Also, in gymnasiums, I find that you get, um... Gymnasium? Who else says gymnasium? You usually say gymnasium to be first. He's anglicising it a bit for our benefit.

You get the, um, the Jean-Paul Gaultier Madonna cups. You know, you get those things to drink out of. The cone cup. But that's a waste of, again, it's a waste of resources whereas with the drinking fountain, the air is your cup. The air is my cup. A novel

by who would it be? Who used to play Chardonnay in Footballers' Wives? Susie Amy. There you go. That's her memoir sorted. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I went to the toilet this week. I'll be straight with you. All the stories. You had a drink of water. It's not going to get graphic. I'm just going to... This is how interesting my life is. I'll be straight with you. All the stories. It's not going to get graphic. This is how interesting my life is. I didn't even have a drink of water. I tried to and failed.

We've actually got a final, I think it'll be a final drinking fountain related text in I wanted to bring to your attention. Go on then, I'll I'll bookmark. A couple of weeks ago I went on a tour of my local uni campus, and there was a drinking fountain with A4 laminated signs saying,

Not Drinking Water. What on earth? That was a bidet. Yeah. What do you think? An external bidet. No wonder he thought it was low down. That'd be a good question.

How thirsty would you have to be out of a hundred to drink out of a bidet? What about when I saw a bidet in Nick Ross's house and my mum said, he's counting his chickens a bit, and then Nick Ross walked in? I mean, how embarrassing. He wasn't counting his chickens. Well, she meant assuming he was going to have a lady living there, I think. Oh, is that what a bidet implies?

It's for a lady. It's assuming that you'd have a lady living there. It's your B-Day this week, isn't it? It is, yeah. Thanks very much. Happy B-Day. Cheers. He's had a lovely morning. I have. Thanks for my gifts, everyone. Someone also suggested that I scoop the water

out with my hands. Crossy said simply cup your hands and scoop. But the thing is, you have to press the button with one hand. Good point. And single-hand scooping is a bit papio. If you remember that film. I think double-hand scooping is pretty bad.

It is, yeah. It's not often used now, is it? I mean, come on. You're a man of means and property. Some are fabulous about it, though. Some are fabulous about drinking out your hands oh stop what was we talking about

oh yes I went to the toilet it was in a bar in Covent Garden you were in a bar I was in a bar for professional reasons and I went to the it said male toilet on the door and it was, I went to the, it said male toilet on the door

and it said male toilet. I don't know how drunk people get in this bar, but it said male toilet and it also had a picture of a woman with like a, you know the traffic sign that means no, like no right. Oh, no ladies allowed. Which I sort of, I think is inferred by the phrase male toilet. Yeah.

And I thought people must get so drunk, women like get so drunk that I think I'll go in this toilet, male toilet, that's probably for me, isn't it? Oh no, hold on, what's this symbol? Have you ever seen that before? No, I've never seen that. A sort of belt and braces approach to unisex urinating. It's very zero tolerant. Well, I went to a unisex toilet this week.

Oh. And I walked in at the same time as... France? Were you in France? No, I was at a film company, and I walked in the same time as a man who, I'm not going to lie, was rather good-looking. Oh, yeah.

That's not a good first way to meet someone, is it? Come on. Oh, yeah, if it had blossomed. I remember when we met in the bog back then. Thank God it didn't blossom. When you say unisex, obviously we can't get into too much detail on a Saturday morning, but a unisex toilet actually

in the same room people are operating. I saw the man. I said, oh, is this the ladies who went as unisex? I think that's what he said. And then we both walked in together. But did you go into closed cubicles? Yes. Oh, that's alright. A bit like the lavatories in Heales on Tottenham Court Road.

Is that right? Not forever on that. But, yeah. I don't know, I find... There's a toilet I used to use when I was writing Room 101. I don't think you ever told us that story about the toilet you used to use when you were writing. And the cleaning lady

was always wandering about in the men's toilet. I used to say, you know, morning, while I was... Not shake hands, though. No. But, I mean, it's all broken down. So you used to get it sous la contenance, but now it's happening here. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from absolute radio want your frank fix

a little sooner listen live every saturday from 8 a.m on absolute radio across the uk on digital radio mobile apps and in london and the southeast on 105.8 fm absolute radio yeah i don't uh it's long been a pet hate of mine, is those things when toilet doors say things other than men and women. I think we have some resolution there, actually. Yeah. I think there's a text just come in from Mandy, who says, I've often used the gents who went out clubbing

because the queues are too long for the ladies. Rebel. That was something that occurred to me. I've been known to do that. Maybe this place becomes a nightclub and maybe loads of women just go, oh, I'll just go in the men. And then the men are walking in and thinking

this is the ladies. Yeah, but I... I was if men are going to object to seeing ladies ever. Oh, I don't, I don't. In their entire life. No, not in the domain. No. Oh, Mandy. I agree. You came and you stopped me from urinating oh men wouldn't complain about no i wouldn't i don't like it you gotta have your own place

i don't like it in your place particularly but needs must i've always imagined that if you went into the women's toilet in the evenings there'd be a lovely trestle table with sandwiches and cakes set up in there. Yeah. We have bonnets and lambs on a string. Yeah, I was about to know. What, dangling from the ceiling? Oh, it's lovely. And the bants we have in there.

Oh, I bet the bants. The talking we do. Are we at the level which I believe is commonly known as Mega Bants? Is there a level of that? You at Megabance? I mean, we are at absolute radio, the home of Megabance. That's what they should be saying. Not Real Music Matters, home of Megabance.

Girls applying lip liner saying he's not worth it. My favourite thing ever. Frank, Covent Garden is a tourist area, hence people not speaking English. That's why toilets have the female crossed out symbol. Well, no, they could have the male symbol. That's a good point. I think they don't have to make it such a negative thing. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like a real no-weeming. What is it, the equivalent of speaking louder in an accent, hoping they'll understand, maybe? I don't know, but the male symbol is fairly well recognised, isn't it? Yeah. It's the nose-kirt, it's the nose-kirt thing. Yeah.

I went in one that said Professor Higgins on one door and Eliza Doolittle on the other. I mean, who reads George Bernard Shaw anymore? It's asking for chaos. If you're absolutely bursting, you shouldn't have to, like, have a history of literature, should you? I mean, I'm have a history of literature. No! I mean, it's, I'm all for, um, elitism.

Ha ha ha! Oh, me too! But when you get to the most basic needs, I don't think you should be relying on people's education. No. Not when it's time-sensitive. And then when I got in there, it was one of those, I don't know if you're familiar with these urinals, it's like a massive, like, stainless steel waterfall.

I mean, from the... It was like, I felt like I was urinating on an art installation. It seems like there's a real water theme running through Frank's week, doesn't it? Yes. Did you have to crouch for that one? Did you have to peter for that one? No, no, this one. It was too much.

It was, I mean, it wasn't like... I don't mean it was just like a thing cleaning. It's like a big... Someone had designed it to the brand. I find the male bathroom, there's a lot of mystery there. And I quite like it. Yeah. What are all those things?

Weird sugar cube things and... Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, what goes on in there? The sugar cube things. There's white things on the floor. That's the horse toilet. Yeah. I bet they had a horse toilet in the whole floor. That's the horse toilet. Yeah. I bet they had a horse toilet in the old days, did they?

No. That is... If it hadn't been your birthday, you'd be fired. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Louise in Cheltenham has texted, there's a restaurant in San Sebastian, Spain, where on the toilet doors they had XX and XY.

I had had a lot of wine and was bursting. Oh, I can't remember. XX is male, isn't it? Yeah, it's the chromosome, is it? Oh, yeah, double X. Had had a lot of wine and was bursting, didn't appreciate having to dredge up GCSE biology whilst topping up the down.

Exactly. He's in Cheltenham, I agree with you. Yeah, feel your pain. God, although I have to say, when I was drinking in places like that, I often had to dredge up O-level biology. Disgusting. Hayley has messaged us.

I went to the loo in Poland. One toilet had a triangle on it, the other a circle. I stood there waiting for someone to go in or come out, so I knew which one to enter. That's... What? Where does that work? Well, she doesn't give us a big reveal, so we don't know which was which. Did she find out?

I would go circle for women. Lady. Yeah, I would, So we don't know which was which. Did she find out? I would go circle for women. Lady. Yeah, I would, but I don't like my reasoning. I'm not going to show my working out, as they say. I rarely like your reasoning. No, I don't. No, I do, darling, but let's leave it.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Oh, well, that's going to nag at me now. What, the triangle in the circle? Yeah. There's another one from 990. In a faux Irish pub, the toilets were labelled Fia, F-I-R, for men, and Mina, M-E-N-A, for women.

Well, that'll be in Irish, presumably. Yeah. Apart from the very confusing second one, as in Mena, for women. Well, that'll be in Irish, presumably. Yeah. Apart from the very confusing second one, as in men are for women. Yeah. I wondered if in Irish Ireland, toilets were just marked F and M, like female and male in reverse. They point out somewhat over-explaining it. Oh, wow.

Oh, that'll be confusing. You don't want to run into the Lord of the Dance when you're in there. No, exactly. Do you know I once shared a dressing room? I shared a dressing room with the Lord of the Dance. How did you find him? I'll tell you what he did. Now, he... I love this story. Let me put it this way.

Has he worked with them all, Al? He'd been absolutely at home at the junior drinking fountain, because he, in the mirror, took on a sumo squat. Did he? He did. And he had a hairspray can in each hand. And I think he must have thought they were disposable.

He didn't realise that once you press the button on a hairspray can, you can't stop and use it again. Was he wielding them like a sort of Quentin Tarantino film? No, but he was aiming them at himself, obviously. And he sprayed, and he was aiming them at himself, obviously. Yeah. And he sprayed and he didn't cease spraying. He just kept spraying on his hair with this stuff.

So, you know, it went s had to actually get dressed in the corridor. We couldn't breathe. Obviously, his lungs, Flatley's lungs, had become accustomed to that much hairspray in the atmosphere. Jonathan Price was in a closed booth, becoming faggy.

He could have died in there for a while. He likes a Cuban heel. Lord of the Dance. Does he? Does he ever? I don't associate the Cuban heel with Irish dancing. No, he loves the Cuban heel.

It's very much... There's an element of handcuffing in Irish dancing. Well, that's the hand behind the back. That's the ice skating. Hands at the sides, particularly, I think, with the Irish dancing. Well, that's the hand behind the back, Frank. That's the ice skating. Yeah, hands at the sides, particularly, I think, with the Irish thing. But, yeah, he was probably still there. He's done a lot of good work for the Bolero jacket.

I suppose if you're jumping about, you need to get your hair absolutely solid. Oh, yeah. I mean, if I do an Irish dance now, which occasionally I can feel my... Oh, do you? My throat sounds like it's applauding. Just my dewlaps. XX is female.

Easy to remember. 20th century was the time of female emancipation. Not in this studio. That's so not true. 20th century was the time of female emancipation. Not in this studio. That's so not true. 20th century was the... So, why are they still going on about it? Oh, God. Absolute,

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I, um, you may remember I had a medical a couple of weeks ago, which didn't turn out as I hoped. I'd gained weight, my belly was in the red for danger area of the tape measure. But on the plus side, there wasn't a weird sexual undertone this time, which there normally is with your medicals.

Well, no, no, it was fine. Also on the plus side was Frank, though. It was all very clinical. Don't say that. Look at him. So I thought I'd start doing a bit of running. Did you? But I don't want to go... I don't like running in the street much

because I find I get stared at. So I still... You won't believe this. I still get recognised by some people. And they look at me and they... And they say, oh, that's Graham Norton. Yeah, I hear them, yeah, I wonder what he's running away from. Happily, those days are gone. But I...

So is that genuinely why you don't go running? Yeah, I once heard someone say, we just normally look that red-faced and distressed on the television. And that put me off. I should see you in here. Yeah, so I've got a treadmill. Oh, is this a recent purchase?

No, I've had it for a while actually, but I only mention it this way because me and my girlfriend have had an enormous row about it. Oh, you've only just had that other one. Yes, I know. Well, we haven't. How often do you row?

Which is every three days? They're like, if you can imagine beads, you know, there's a row and then there's a short bit of string in between and then there's another row. But, I mean, you know, I love her. That's normal. People do that a lot. They love beats. Yeah.

It means you're passionate still about each other. Is that what it means? Yes. And of course, it is that irritation which produces the pearl in an oyster. Right. So anyway, the treadmill row. So what it basically is, is we've got... Got a full gymnasium in there. No, no, I don't have a rower.

I tell you what, I think we need to go to the advert, so I'm going to hold on. You're trailing a row. I tell you what, it wouldn't be a bad thing, though. So we've had a big row about the treadmill. Yeah. So maybe people can, during this break, they can speculate on the nature of that row. Okay.

I think I know what it is. I've already, I'm thinking I know what it is. I'm thinking, well, I don't think anyone's going to get it. Okay. We'll see what's... Oh, my God, Michelle. Oh, sorry. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Playing my favourite game today with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Imagine if you were like that. Oh, well, it's in all of us. You can text our show on 8-12-15, follow our show on Twitter,

at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. So, yes, the main cause of the row about the... Frank trailed a row, if you've only just tuned in. Yes. Me and my girlfriend have been arguing about my treadmill. Yep. Today. It's one of those

that you exercise on, not one that you torture peasants with. Oh, yeah. Does that still go on? I don't think a treadmill would frighten anybody. No. Anyway. Ask my staff. The problem is... What it was. What do you want to guess?

Yeah. Go on. Knowing Kathy, I suspect it might be noise-related. She's very intolerant of noise. She is. And it's a good guess, but it's... It's good, but it's not right. I was going to guess that you were running on it heavy-footed.

What? How dare you say that? That's what I just... I barely... It's the extra secret. I barely make contact with it. I'm like a sprite. Was it a timing issue? Were you running

in the middle of the night? No. No, no. I wasn't running in the middle of the night. Was it placement of the treadmill? It is to do with placement. Is it her having her clothes on the treadmill? Is it her leaving all her clothes all over the treadmill?

No, no, hell no. She puts them on the floor, she always makes them. Kath wears trainer socks, and it's possible to find them absolutely anywhere in the house. You can find a trainer sock in the fridge. Yeah. Would not be outrageous. Anyway, what it is, is that it's upstairs.

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. And Kathy's absolutely convinced that it's going to come through the ceiling and kill somebody. Yes, I sort of understand that. I don't think that's going to happen, is it? I would need to have a look at that. Oh, you'd need to have a look.

What, at my joists? Do you want to see my joists? Is that what you're getting at? I'd need to see some certification from the architecture. Al, don't be so adjusting the valve on the water fountain. I'm not even that look anyway. It's not going to happen. I mean, I mention it on here because there might be

someone out there who says, you know, perhaps a structural surveyor could tell us. Will it happen? Treadmill comes through air ceiling killed him for me niff yous. Because we're now on

FM in the West Midlands, which makes me very happy. Hello to all my West Midlands friends. Yeah, we've probably all switched off now after the treadmill. Treadmill tragedy man, as we like to call him. TTM. I mean, come through the ceiling. Think about it. It doesn't make any sense.

Well, it depends who's on it point one well i think point one should be is your home brick built it's not it's not strong we live in a house of straw and then my brother lives just down the road in a house of wood right and then my other brother is a bit of a know-all he's got this brick place on the road. Maybe that's where you should put the treadmill on. But Wolf from Gladiators came round the other night. And I was damned if I'd let him in

by the hairs of my chinny-chin-chin. He was in such a huff. He was, yeah. Well, he wouldn't be. He hasn't worked for 15 years. And he was banging. Like a three little pigs material. Banging and banging on the door, Wolf. He was in like a suit and stuff.

He wasn't in his gladiator outfit. He was having a fag as well, as I remember. I declined his request to come in. What would you say if he genuinely knocked at your door, Wolf? I don't think he'd blow my house down. No.

We've had a text What would you say if he genuinely knocked at your door, Wolf? I don't think he'd blow my house down. No. No. We've had a text guessing about the treadmill rail. Is it that you hardly ever use it? That's what they're guessing. No, it could have been. It could have been about that. Yeah. You started to again.

Yeah, I've started to, but the problem is my son sleeps in the room below. Ah. And Kath thinks that he's going to go through the ceiling and squash him. Hmm. I mean, I'm only doing, like, 90 minutes a week. It's not a big strain. I just get red.

I just like... I like to get red enough so I look a bit like Prince William. That kind of... That level of redness in the face. But, um... I understand that she is something of a catastrophist. She is a catastrophist. And I am also.

That's actually her full name. The Collar Cat, for sure. The red face. I remember when we had a collateli, my dad, because we had a collateli, decided we had to get how money's worth. So he used to crank up everybody. Like, the newsreaders looked like they were embarrassed about the news. They were saying, I'm sorry about this, but there's been a war in China.

I mean, you know, it's a bit embarrassing. Yeah, so that's how I like to come off the thing. But it's really been a major source of a row. And now when I run, I think, am I going to start running upstairs and end up running downstairs? Like a sort of fast track wee willy winky. I say like a fast track.

Yeah, I've heard that. You're with me on it? Okay, that's great. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It was announced this week that Matt LeBlanc is doing Top Gear. Extraordinary turn of events.

Literally, Matt LeWhite. It would be Matt LeWhite. So Top Gear's policy hasn't changed that much. Strange casting. Who's the stig? One of the Golden Girls? I mean...

Oh, I hope so. Blanche. Oh, I love the Golden Girls. No longer with us. No longer with us, Bea Arthur. Or Bartha, as I call her. Yeah. Yes.

I once saw Bea Arthur do a gig. Did you? Flatley, Golden Girls. We were on the same bill. And there was a, I won't name him, but there was a guy who'd written a set for her. And he was in the green room. And she went on and she absolutely died. I mean, this was before she died.

Can I just get confused? This wasn't when she died. I mean, this is before she died. This wasn't when she died. I wouldn't be telling it with such buoyancy. But anyway, she really, I mean, it went absolutely flat. Nothing. And we were all in the green room going, oh, oh, no.

It was terrible. And she came back into the room aghast. And the writer went up to her and said, oh, that was fantastic. She said, what? And I thought it went bad. And he said, what? What are you talking?

Oh, God, in here, everyone's been killing themselves. Laugh. Untrue. But, of course, we all went, yeah, we do! And he managed to convince, she said, but the audience didn't laugh at all. And he said, look, you can't hear it up there, it's really weird. The way the acoustics are in this room. And he convinced me, Arthur, that she'd stormed it.

And she honestly, within three minutes, she thought she'd stormed it. Wow. What's that guy's name and number? He's now both of your managers. I could do with him for my tour. Yeah. Jose Mourinho. Oh, yeah.

It was called. Sounds good. So, yeah. So, he's going to be the new Top Gear presenter. Mm-hmm. A bit cruel, this, given that I'm a motoring correspondent on this show, and I didn't even get a call. Nothing.

Oh, come on, Al. You might be one of the ten priests. Maybe it's this broken phone. Have they got a lady yet? Have I missed... No, they're not having a lady. They're not having a lady? No.

Come on. Get out of town. Well, they think that Matt LeWight... Yeah, Matt LeWight. ...is going to... Yeah. And they call him Matt the White. Matt the White has been hired

to appeal to Americans, obviously, as it's an international show now. Oh, yes. But the ladies, he'll get the lady vote. I didn't like that when they said that. I didn't agree with it. No, me neither. I mean, come on. We're not allowed to. We're not allowed to.

We're not allowed to say, yeah, that sounds about right. Can you imagine it? But I'm assuming that they'll get a female presenter. Am I right? I don't believe so. Careful when you assume. I bet you. Eddie Jordan's the other one. What about Jordan? But he's not my idea

of what's a handsome anyway. It's a male... It's a 55-year-old man's idea of what women like. George Clooney, Greek dad on the school run. Matt LeWight. Yeah. Italian dad getting a takeaway. Yeah. Come on.

Let's raise the standards. I'm fine with all of those. Who would have been your choice, just for sheer honkiness? If that's what that's what we went for obviously vince cable i don't know i don't know if vince cable can carry off top gear yeah but you'd watch come on isn't this a bit offensive to the general public though because they did like i'm pretty sure they made a big deal and even had chris evans saying hey guys send us your clips we're going to use you as presenters. And then they went with... It's very Jeremy Corbyn, isn't it?

...Joey from Friends. It is, it's a new style, the Corbyn style of saying, yeah, you ask the questions. Yeah. People want you to do a bit of work if you're being paid. How bad were the general public's tapes that they went, no, we need to get somebody that's not just a member of the general public, we need someone from Friends, we need to go right back up the scale.

Also, don't call him a fellow petrolhead in your press release. I mean, it's so how you're diddling, not three bad. Oh, I feel a bit sick. Well, at least he didn't say fellow madcap broadcaster. No, but they could have had one of the ladies from Friends. Who was the name of the beautiful brunette? Oh, Courtney Cox? Not just lately, no.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, so it's gonna be Matt LeBlanc. Matt LeWhite. Matt LeWhite and, um, Lisa Riley and

That's not Lisa Riley. Sorry if I added that. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Chico and That's not Lisa Riley. Sorry if I added that. Chico. That's just a really odd mixture. He's doing the timings on the star in a thingy car. They've got to have a lady.

They've got to. Anyway. Alright producer of panel shows no just think they will let's put a lady on it and then it'll all be fine no but i just think if you're saying we're not like the old top gear um you don't have someone called matt the white yes and then not have a lady i think these people have to realize it's not a case of just hiring the lady. You have to treat them with respect, like I get treated on this show.

Indeed, indeed! Come on! Respect! Respect for the ladies! Unfortunately, the only thing I could find then was those magnificent men in their flying machines. Frank Warren, I was getting a bit political, so he had to put a jingle on it.

No, no, it's... Listen, what I'm most concerned about... Please don't make him say, how you doing? Oh, I hope he does. I will be sick if he has to say that. Can I hold up my hands and say it? You don't know what that is?

I don't know what that means. Alan, will you explain? Joey, the character that matt leblanc plays in friends matt the white that's his name on this show okay he uh he he um is attractive to women by saying how you doing and then he doesn't sound like that you sound a bit like lurch well what am i feel cool am i going to do impressions good good good example of an impressionist pulled out of the airfield. Cool, wowee. I think that's a good

judge of your decade. If you had to say I'm not about an impressionist... See, I'd have said Mike Yarwood. Yeah. I'd have gone Faith Brown. I'd have said Paul Melba. I know. Yeah. Googling. I'd have gone Stanley Baxter. The only people I've ever known called Joey,

their catchphrase would have been... Oh, yeah. I'm really relieved you said that. Because they were budgerigars. Oh, I thought it was going to be a kangaroo then. That was his catchphrase. Those were your Central Reservation years. OK.

The French years. So, how you doing? You're Polly! I did it for you, Adrian! I remember him now. He used to say, how you doing? And it was somewhat irritating. And that would make him more difficult to win me.

Well, yeah, it was just a catchphrase. It was a sitcom. I've seen it. It's not like a documentary. Was that brunette cool? No, I fell into that trap before. Not to say it, Lena. You can't do that twice in seven minutes.

Why not? Why not if it works? Somebody might just have tuned in, for them to miss out. On that gold. New readers start here. I tell you what was, what, did you see that picture of Chris Evans with a, carrying a book? I do. The radio. I did.

And the book was called, um, It was called No More Worlds to Conquer. So, isn't that a U2 track? No more worlds to conquer. Yes. No more worlds to conquer is Alexander the Great said that, didn't he? Is that right?

Oh, OK. I thought it was Alexander O'Neill, but we'll agree to differ. I think it was Alexander the'Neill, but we'll agree to differ. I think it was Alexander the Great. Someone will correct me. The subheading is then 16 people who defined their time and what they did next. Yes, it's a book about... It was called a self-help book, which I don't think is very correct. Because it's not saying...

You're not accusing the Daily Mail of a factual inaccuracy in their article there. Well, also, it's based on people, for example, sort of astronauts and things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A limited demographic. The idea of it is people who've already had their defining moment in their life,

what do they do next? New lads. Yeah, exactly. What do they do next? Well, you've done a lot since, new lads. Yeah. What do you do next? Radio.

What did he do next after his. What did he do next? After his defining moment, he brought it back on Channel 4 15 years later. Right. I think it's got people like Nadia Comaneci in it, who had this massive, great Olympics. She got a 10 out of 10 when she was, I don't know, 14. Where do you go next from there? Right.

It's an interesting... He was carrying it absolutely like he wanted the title to be read, because there's ways of carrying a book. Yeah, he did. For example, when I was at that junior school this week, I had cause to wait for a while. Yeah. And every other parent got out phones.

Right. And every other parent got out phones. Right. And I got out a slim copy of the Penguin classic, Antigone by Sophocles. Did you? But I had to hide the title. Even someone who's as happy with pretentiousness as I am.

You're some sort of Jude the Obscure character. I thought it's enough that I'm reading a book and they're reading their phones. If they see it's Sophocles, it's too much. But this, he was carrying... There's a million ways of carrying a book so you can't see the title. He was carrying it virtually. I'm going to go ostentatiously.

And it's a hardback as well. Why would you travel around with a hardback like that? But if you work for a radio station, you do get a lot of free books. Maybe he just picked, maybe, you know. You do. What about when my dad was on the beach in Crete reading The Origin of Consciousness and the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind?

I love it. I once sat at a pool reading Samuel Beckett's Malone Dies. Oh, what an absolute... The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Yes, so maybe he was making the point that he has got, you know, no more kingdoms to... Who?

Chris Evans. Oh, I thought you were talking about Alexander the Great. Oh. Oh, well, you sort of were. No, no. No, and he was... I mean, it was literal when he said it. But, yeah, you know, he's done it all.

So what was his defining moment? Was it that toothbrush? I'd say it was TFI, wasn't it? OK, yeah, you know, he's done it all. So what was his defining moment? Was it that toothbrush? I'd say it was TFI, wasn't it? OK, yeah. But anyway, it's... I looked at the thing this week. I looked up the word git, because I'm a bit worried,

because I have a blue plaque now with it on. Oh, Frank, don't take it so seriously. I wish we'd never written that on it. No, I looked it up because I thought, well, I've got a three-and-a-half-year-old. He's git. I just wanted to make absolutely sure it wasn't swearing. And it wasn't.

But then I came across quite a lot of stuff. There's like a... It's a sort of an internet thing. What, gittishness? No, not gittishness, git. Git is a sort of a... I don't know what it is. It's something to do with...

It's a source code. I looked up on a site called Code Academy, and it said, Learn Git. Create and explore a simple Git-managed project. Learn Git. This show. Work with Frank Skinner.

It says, Unit 1, basic Git workflow. Is that what Sarah on the show does, basic git workflow? I think I'm teaching on this. I'm teaching. Why don't you learn git, people at home? All right. It's never done me any harm. No.

Yeah, so... Yeah, so the book, I find... I bet Matt LeBlanc will want to borrow it. Matt the White. I bet he'll want to borrow that book, I find... I bet Matt LeBlanc will want to borrow it. Matt the White. I bet he'll want to borrow that book, won't he? A defining moment already gone. He might have different American self-help books as they were so called. No, but he's not going to top Friends.

What will? He's had the moment. I wonder if he'd already read the famous Dale Carnegie book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. How to Make Friends. How to Make Friends, isn't it? I wonder if he's read It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. I read that on the tube once. That was embarrassing.

What about... I mean, please, can you imagine a woman reading that? What about Don't Say Yes When You Mean No? Oh, I must read that. Is that one? Yeah, that's one. Is it? And was it The Road Less Travelled? Oh, I think I that. Is that one? Yeah, that's one. Is it? And was it The Road Less Travelled?

Oh, I think I've heard of that, yeah. Men who hate women and the women who love them. Yes, please. Men are from Mars and women are from... Venus. Venus, apparently. Yeah, that's probably been incorporated into a title at door. I wouldn't be surprised. Mars and Venus.

Rhyme and slang. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Shall we go to Email Corner, Frank? We can, right. Because we haven't been there yet this morning. I can't find it.

Alan, can you sing the email corner? Yep. You buy gum, you buy gum, mail corner. Mail corner. I really like Alan's jingle. Thanks. Yeah. For a man of his age.

Ouchy. Still got it. Hi, Alan, Frank and Emily. Long-time reader, first-time writer. I've just finished listening to last week's podcast and no sooner had it ended than your very own Alan Cochran walked by me outside King's Cross.

Oh, yeah. Suspicious. Strange area to be in. Something's going on. Yeah. Yeah, something was going on. I only noticed a silence had befallen me and his phone rang. That would have been me.

I was pleased to note he was wearing his trademark flat cap. Sarah, aka Prisoner035. You are quite a flat cap man, actually. It's quite young Vito Corleone. Wouldn't you agree, Frank? I think the reference to trademark flat cap man, actually. It's quite young Vito Corleone. I think... Wouldn't you agree, Frank? I think the reference to trademark flat cap is... Do you remember a few weeks ago we mentioned Guy Ritchie and the Daily Mail had described him as being out in his trademark flat cap?

Oh, is that right? I mooted the possibility that I wasn't sure that he was thought of as like a flat cap guy, and you thought he was. But I think I'm more of a trademark flat cap guy. Yes. And I'll tell you what... That really it's isn't it mainly people saying i'm working class really despite all the trappings well it's the whole it's french resistance chic ofs yeah you've got that look going on it's a bit i'm over here looking for Alexander Litvenko. I had a terrifying moment.

I got off the train the other day. But it's a bit Ralph Lauren with Wimbledon umpire as well. Sorry, as you were. Got off the train, felt a gust of wind across my head and thought, oh my God, I've left my flat cap on the train, on the seat next to me, and I had to do that hurry back thing. Got it, but for a brief minute I was thinking I'm going to have to get a new trademark.

That's like leaving schnorbits on the train. Isn't it? Yes, if you were Bernie Winters. Yes. My, I'd say, what's your trademark, Anne, would you say? Well, where do we begin? I mean, perhaps you can answer that question for me. What's your trademark? I think saying, being quite critical and saying the word extraordinary a lot, those are my trademarks. But I would say it's my cloud of perfume, perhaps.

Maybe. What would you say my trademark is? I don't know, it's difficult, isn't it? You're looking awkward, like you know something's my trademark and you don't want to say it. I was thinking more along the lines of something physical, like a cap. But generally, I would say, yes, I would say it's humour shot through with acid. Okay, thank you. Well, that's all right, isn't it?

Yeah, I feel that. And a high-vis vest. You never go anywhere without a high-vis vest. Mine is, I would say, the giant panda. Yeah. That's my trademark. Oh, no, sorry, that's the World Wildlife Fund. Let's get us mixed up. Am I being...

Is the Duke of Edinburgh one of my patrons, or is that the World Wildlife Fund as well? I think it might be both. That's confusing. It's a good texting. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, you know you were talking about Alan's flat cap. Well, you were. And then you asked me what my trademark is. Yeah. Well, I think now might be a good time to mention that I have a hat of my own. And I'd like to get your opinion on it. Oh, OK.

We'll take a picture for the readers. Get your camera ready. Thank you. It's, er... I bought it because I thought it would be a bit Bianca Jagger. A bit Studio 54. You know the look? Well, I know the Bianca Jagger look, certainly.

I'm worried it's a bit more middle-aged gardening detective. Right. OK. Can you please be honest with me? And I want the readers to be as well. OK, I'm going to put it on now. Excuse me. OK, I should describe what's going on. Definitely, yeah. Oh, yes.

What do we think? No, I was expecting the worst when you said bianca jagger i thought it might be a bit okay you're expecting the words no i thought it might be a bit garden party for unicef right but it's brown it's a large brown hat if you can imagine i'll tell you what it was if i if hats like fingernails grew this might might be what Indiana Jones' hat looked like now. Right, yeah. I think that's a fair... I like it. That is a good description. I quite fancied myself in it.

I tell you what, it's good. It's good that you've gone for brown because it picks up the brown of the eyes, the brown of the hair. And it'll need washing less. It'll need washing less because it's brown, you know. Okay. It's worth thinking about. If you've got it in cream. You don't really wash a hat, do you? It's a

felt hat. It is felt. Where would you clean? Would you have to dry? Do they dry clean hats? I don't know. Someone else will deal with that for me. Anyway, there you go. I like it. Okay, thank you. No, I like it. It really suits you very much. Seriously.

Okay. Sort of thing Kate Bush might have worn in a publicity show. Oh, I thought you were going to say Kate Moss. I was really happy then. Kate Moss might have worn it. But what worries me is that you might, you know, meet some gentleman and one thing might lead to another and he might say, you can keep your head on, which is like, would be the worst thing anyone has ever lead to another. And he might say, you can keep your head on,

which is like, would be the worst thing anyone has ever said to anybody. Especially as it's you can leave your hat on. Well, whatever it is. I don't even remember the tune. It's a song I've tried to edit from my... I think it's the worst song that was ever written. Ever? Yeah, I honestly do believe...

You can leave your hat on. You can leave your hat on. It's... everything about it is wrong. Yeah, I don't like the baby at the beginning. hat on. You can leave your hat on. Everything about it is wrong. Yeah, I don't like the baby at the beginning. I just don't. Is there a baby at the beginning? Baby, take your clothes off. I thought you meant there was one crying.

That would make it worse. One crying in an adjoining room. Oh, that's too grim. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We haven't discussed Simone Cowell for a while on this show. No. He used to be a bit of a regular.

Mm-hmm. Would it be fair to say... He was a bit of a foe, friend of Emily. Yeah, he is. Would it be fair to say that Simon Cowell's petrol light is on? Yeah. Would you say so? Mm-hm. Can you explain that?

Well, you know, it's career petrol light. Oh, I see. Oh, it's gone into the red. It's gone into what I call girls' empty. Yeah, I just... He might be coasting down the other side of the hill. I mean, you know, he's made a lot of money, but has he just... I mean, you know, he's made a lot of money, but has he just... I mean, my petrol light's been on for 20 years.

Hey. Come on! I'm running on vapour! You're good on radio, mate. You're good on radio. You changed the fuel that you use. Yes. You switched to diesel. No, but I read this week that he was he kept Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles

if she's still called that Camilla Charles now I suppose not sure he kept them waiting for like two hours and I'm not sure you see that he's quite I know the royal family are traditionally a bit off the pace

with celebrities if you look at the people who do like Prince's Truss Kicks it are traditionally a bit off the pace with celebrities. If you look at the people who do like Prince's Truss kicks, it's all a bit Duran Duran in 2008. Yes. But I'm surprised that SC has still got the power to keep them in that

state. In fairness to Simone, can I just say he arrived, I believe he arrived when the dinner started or during the dinner as opposed to during the drinks reception okay and i tend to avoid the drinks reception nobody i call what i call that is fish breath hour because people haven't eaten they drink a champagne and they have fish canapes and they stink i hate fit i don't drink i don't eat fish canapes just really i prefer if anyone fish. I don't drink, I don't eat fish canapes. Really? I prefer, if anyone is going

to an event and I'll be there, please don't eat fish canapes. Well, this is why I didn't go to the Aristocats after show party. Because it was terrible in there, honestly. It was like feeding time in the seal area. I don't want that. You know the seal area. Well, look, Labyrinth made it on time and if he can

get there who's labyrinth i was hoping you weren't going to ask me that labyrinth daisy will know she's into r b who's labyrinth daisy he's a singer even i know i think it's apparent daisy doesn't know either i do i thought he's a singer, it's not good. There's no why in it either, is there, Dave? There's no why in it. No, there's no why in Labyrinth. That's what we're going for. Anyway, he was there. Yeah, and he got there on time.

So I find the whole thing a bit... And then Simon turned up with Louis Walsh. That's alright, isn't it? I think Sunita plays darts on a Tuesday night. Right, yeah, yeah. So Louis Walsh became his plus one. Exactly.

Yeah. Now, the lateness aside, can we discuss the clothes? Well, first, can we just discuss the lateness a little bit longer? Because he did say that he was in meetings. So he kept Prince Charles waiting for two hours because he was in meetings. Now, who's more important than Prince... Like, Prince Charles must have been thought... He must have been thinking, well, unless it was my mum,

I'm not being outranked here because I'm Prince Charles. I know. Who's an audience with? I mean, whatever you think of the royal family, it just feels a bit wrong to keep Prince Charles waiting because you're in a meeting. Well, yeah, it depends on the meeting. I mean, what sort of meeting was it? Was it a meeting

in the sense that Prince Andrew has a meeting? Or... Well, I hope it was a bit less undercover than that. What is going to be one of his meetings about what should we do next with Leona Lewis's tour

dates? It's not going to be anything important. Not worth keeping a Prince waiting for with Leona Lewis's tour dates? Yeah. It's not going to be anything important. Not worth keeping a prince with. Leona Lewis was there, by the way. Yeah. She turned up on time. Yeah, she was there on time. I love you, Leona. Do you remember that?

No. It's not a funny story. She was doing a signing and a bloke punched her in the head. Do you remember? And as they dragged him off he shouted I love you Leona he thought erm you got mixed up here mate funny way of showing it

but yeah we should talk about his clothes because he broke the black tie expectation didn't he let's come back to the black tie expectation again a fabulous band. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What are we talking about, Simone? We're talking about Psycore, not Stuart Pearce, Simon Cowell.

Do you think they ever get each other's post? Who? Stuart Pearce? Stuart Pearce and Psycore, Simon Cowell. I don't know if Stuart Pearce gets any posts. So, yeah, Simon Cowell turned up. I mean, it turned... Everyone said outrageous, but he dressed more or less exactly like he always dresses,

except he didn't have jeans on. White open-neck shirt. Yeah, and when they say open-neck, they mean all the way. Oh, we mean open-neck. Open-chested. And also, I believe, it looks bespoke to me, that the buttons have actually been removed, physically removed. Oh, really?

I've noticed. Like a spaceman outfit. Oh, I thought you meant things have got steamy in the limo on the way there. Like Steve Zodiac's thing on Fireball XL5. He's always down the front like that. I have zoomed in on the picture to check. Okay. And it's Sans buttons. buttons oh so it has sans button holes and sans buttons so even if he has a change of heart through the evening he can't do those buttons up oh no no he suddenly got bashful about his chest

yeah and suddenly wanted to cover up if it got cold might get get nippy. What if the heating went? Yeah. He might have a scarf somewhere. I understand that he has no shirt specially made because he does a lot of dog sockling. Yeah. You know, he has lots of dogs. Horrible. Yeah. But they say the hairy chest. It's actually a slumbering terrier down there.

And why is Simone so Thai-phobic? I mean, Thai tie's alright, isn't it? And a jacquito? God, I wonder what you meant. Yeah, me too. Ken Holmes on the telly. It's just got me nervous. No, I think, again,

it was him saying, whenever people turn up to a black tie-do, not wearing standard black tie, I always think they're thinking, because it looks like they haven't made an effort, but in fact they've made a bigger effort than everyone. Yes, that's true. Because they've thought, I'm a bit of an individual and I'd like to make that point clear.

Yeah. And if you are a bit of an individual, you don't need to make that point clear with your clothing. I mean, the whole point of black tie is that men are largely not very well dressed, and so just stick them in the same outfit and it stops them being distractingly badly dressed. But Psycho, he's still doing it. He's still being distractingly badly dressed.

I like the way you call him Psycho when it's the name of his company. Oh, yeah. I'm all about anybody's limited... It's like Jailer. Yeah. Well, it is, isn't it, Psyco? That's presumably where it comes from. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. But I agree with him in a way, because I've done quite a lot of black tie stuff over the years. Really? Oh, yeah. I find that amazing. Corporate entertainer Alan Cochran, available. Signature black cap.

Yeah. Do you wear a black cap? No, but I would like to. Do you know, wouldn't it be great if you wore the black tie with the black cap? A little black leather crown. Oh, yeah.

I'll tell you what it is. Like your yellow one, Frank. What was the name of that band? Joe Boxers? Yeah. Didn't they wear a black leather cap? Yeah. May I just say,

my problem with black tie is that often I live 200 miles away from where the event is and so you end up with luggage. What I would really like is there to be a comfy version of black tie. And I've actually Googled. I've not found an answer to this,

but what I would really like is a tuxedo-patterned onesie that I could go on to black tie entertainment and do me stand-up. Oh, the tuxedo onesie? In a tuxedo onesie, but... Well... I mean, how easy would that be to... Well, can I point you in the direction of Will Neelyer and Bruce Forsyth's child? Hang on.

Will Neelyer, Bruce Forsyth's child. CJ, I believe his name was. I saw a picture of him in Hello Once with a tuxedo... Sorry, CJ. Tuxedo baby grow. Right. So they are available. Is the child six foot four?

Because otherwise it might not fit. Is the age of the onesie not... Has it not just gone, the onesie? Yeah, but, I mean, people said that about the tuxedo about 200 years ago. But there was a time, about four or five years ago, when the onesie was, like, the biggest thing anyone ever talked about. Yeah. It was bigger than the internet onesies.

Bigger? Yeah. No, it wasn't. It wasn't bigger than the internet fans. It's all anybody, if anyone wore one, they'd, they would be so proud of themselves that they got a Wansi. Yeah. Really pleased.

That's what happened. Kim Kardashian wore one and she broke the internet. The same thing. I don't think that was it, though. No, that was real, that. We've had a review of our hat picture. Someone said... Don't even tell me. No, you both look fantastic. Hashtag keep up the good work. Oh, I'll take that.

Well, it's not me keeping up the good work. What do they mean? It's my surgeon, but I'll let him know. Yeah. Good work is a bit loaded. Yeah. I don't mean loaded. I mean...

Oh. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I was late for a cricket dinner in Birmingham. I mean, really quite late. About an hour and a half or so late. Stuck on the motorway. And the chairman... Did you have your shirt buttoned up at least?

I think I was in black tie, actually, and it was... Dennis Amis was the chairman of Warwickshire Cricket Club at the time. Do you know Dennis Amis? He's a very famous batsman and everything. He invented the batting helmet. Did he? Mm.

But, you know, it's a great player. 100-100s. Anyway, so, I got there and he said, oh, what happened? I said,

it's called Dennis Amis. And he said, what happened? And I said, I was on the motorway and then I thought, I was joking. I said,

there was something, something amiss. He said, I was joking. I said there was something amiss. He said, what was it? I said, you know, there was... I said there was something amiss. Oh, I hate it when you just... And you won't leave it. And he said... So you didn't get it and you wouldn't leave it.

Yeah, but what was it? Accident? I said, no, no, there was... I was on my way here to see you and there was something amiss. Frank, you didn't get it. why didn't you just leave it then? and he said yeah but I don't, what was it? and in the end

something I never do, I had to abandon it oh I had to leave that joke on the hard shoulder I thought you had the whole dinner I had to abandon it I still did the dinner, I didn't eat much my appetite had been spiked I bet you were up all night thinking about that

I'll never get a chance to use that again Unless you met Hardy Amis Absolutely The designer, but I believe he's no longer with us Or maybe if I was driven home by Anthony Head the actor, you know Anthony Head? Oh yeah

And I said, he was driving and know Anthony Head? Oh, yes. And I said, he was driving, and I said, come on, we're a bit like full speed. Ah, hey, Head. You know what? I'm not giving up on a miss. What about Martin Amis? Yeah, I've never met Martin Amis.

And also, I wouldn't have him marked down as a big laugher. No. Do you think? Well... Even if he did get it. I don't mean to be rude, but you're not getting many laughs with this character. No. So,

it's not like that's a priority. I know, but I don't want to go in, I mean, just knowing I've got no hope from the start. No. All right, Martin.

You and Martin Amis. You got another novel coming out, or is there something amiss? I say. Can you imagine what he'd say to you? Martin, I don't know if you heard me, I said. Martin, I was saying is there something No, I can't hear it. I'm going to offer you some safe

ground that's come in from Neil in Penge who says you were late for the cricket dinner. How's that? Yes. Do you see? How's that? No, but I needed Dennis to say that. Yeah. He doesn't sound like the kind of. How's that? Yes. See? How's that? No, but I needed Dennis to say that. Yeah. He doesn't sound like the kind of character that's got on his game. I can't rely on others to come up with this. Stop getting my name wrong. Come on.

Vincent Wales. Emma looks like David Bowie, circa 76. I'm not an Emma. I'm Emily, OK? It's probably predictive text. Yeah. No, it's not. It's because I'm not as famous I'm Emily, okay? It's probably predictive text. No, it's not. It's because I'm not as famous as you and Alan. 952. When Faye said of Frank as having changed his fuel to diesel,

did she mean that he is carcinogenic and not environmentally friendly? Was she having a super intelligent pop at him? No, Emily wasn't. It is lovely, but my name's Emily, not Faye. I know, but if I was you, I'd just take the super intelligent. Forget about the name. Oh, yeah, OK, OK. A name by any other...

A positive thinker. Any other name. Don't I look like a Faye? Not really. No. OK. You don't make many Faye's nowadays. Faye Ripley, obviously.

Yeah. Yeah. That's it. That's me, Don. That's it. I'm out. Faye Ray. Faye Ray, yeah.

No longer with us. No. Wouldn's me, Don. That's it. I'm out. Faye Ray. Faye Ray, yeah. No longer with us. No. Wouldn't have thought so. It was King Kong, mate, 1920. She got carried off by the gorilla. Very weird scene there. Anyway, we'll talk about it after. Late review.

Exactly. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. As regards Simon Cowell's two-hour delay of keeping people waiting, that actually makes me feel a bit ill.

Like, keeping people waiting is one of my pet hates. I really don't like the feeling. And I, as you know, I may have mentioned this on the show before i operate my life on lombardi time vince lombardi sports coach said if you're not 15 minutes early you're late um i do that all the time can i say i watched the second part of a documentary last night about vincent lombardi did you and i have no interest whatsoever in American football. I mean, nothing. And he was one of the great coaches. And I cried quite a lot.

Did they lose? I was just sitting on my own, castles away. And I just, yeah, it was just really incredible. Yeah, just a bloke who'd just given his life to this thing. It's really amazing. That's nice. Yeah, Vincent Lombardi. Google him. It backfired somewhat for me last week. I was flying from

Manchester to Dublin to do a little professional engagement. And I got there early. 11.40 flight. I got my wife to drop me off. I beseeched her. I thought that was a time then. 11.40 flight I got my wife to drop me off I beseeched her I thought that was a time then 11.40 flight

I said is there any way you can drop me off so we set off at 10 so I was at the airport was she wearing a pyjama no she was fully dressed she's not that kind of lady that would go to the airport in her pyjamas she's not that type

and as I was checking in I was thinking dressed. She's not that kind of lady that would go to the airport in her pyjamas. She's not that type. And as I was checking in, I was thinking the guy's probably going to go, you're a bit early for this. And he went, it's 45 minutes delayed already. That was his first thing as I was checking in. Four hours it was delayed in real money. It's one of those delays where...

To fly from Manchester to Dublin. You could have rowed. Honestly, and it was... Don't tell me you were one of those people where... What? To fly from Manchester to Dublin? Yeah. You could have rowed. Honestly, and it was... Don't tell me you were one of those people that had a little lie down on the couches in the Central Reservation. Did you use your cap as a pillow? I... You're both right. Did you have the lie down?

What you need is one of those things that Emily bought me. Yes! That would have been absolutely fabulous. Oh, I wish. Have you brought that for us later, Frank? We're getting a train later. We are, but we're going to be on it about an hour and a half. I don't know if it's quite qualified. I don't think it's that social when

you're travelling with someone else. You should see what I've brought. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah. There's quite a weird thing though, because you know I like, I'm a fan of the stoicism. I love the stoicism. And I was going there to do some uh science comedy show on some irish television i think that's rather rude

response to live in frank it's a living science this can't all be turning everything down and you know anyway so i was going to do that and uh and i went through to the other side. Awkward. And so I was there and people worked themselves up into a rage. The whole reason that the flight wasn't happening, that it was delayed, is that it was a small plane with a propeller and there was terrible winds over Dublin and so it was dangerous. But some people evidently are much more confident flyers than me because they were going up to the customer services desk and going, why can't I fly to Dublin?

I was thinking, how confident a flyer are you that you're going, who cares about the danger? Let's go. Oh, whiskey. Come on. And I see that as an opportunity to just practice my beloved stoicism. So I just go on shut down and go, right, I'm going to read my book. Full lotus? Not quite.

That would have been great. I wish I was flexible enough, to be honest. But, yeah, where they're going, I'm meant to be in Dublin now, I was going, shall I have a burrito next? What shall I do? I'd really tuned out. But slightly weird thing. Do you wear a burrito as well? He loves a burrito. Slightly odd. You know the moment when you check in when you first get there and there's a guy and he had quite ginger hair, very distinctive looking bloke. Was he carrying a copy of No World's Left to Conquer?

No, he wasn't. I walked through and I was at the other side and they announced the delay and, oh, if you want to, you can come up and get a £3 voucher for a cup of tea. No, result? I'd already bought my own burrito, but I had a tea. Why not? I bet you did. I bet you thought, I'm happy for it to be four hours flight. No, no, no. Oh, he did?

But people were getting really angry, and they were walking up to the customer services desk. Same bloke. Same bloke that checked us in. Does it ever freak anybody else out at the airport when that happens? You think, hey, you're on the other side. I like that they all mock in. It's like in the theatre when you get actors selling you tickets. When we finally got on the plane,

I was surprised he wasn't on there in the driver's seat. Well, he could have been. Wearing flip-flops. Good point. What about when I got on a plane and the pilot had flip-flops? You sure that wasn't a pedalo? No, it was one of those seaplanes. Oh, was it?

Yeah, but he had flip-flops. I love those seaplanes. I'm glad they? Yeah, but he had flip-flops. I love those seaplanes. I'm glad they still exist. I only used to see them on films. I know. I've been on quite a few. Did you actually land on the water? Yeah.

Absolutely brilliant. So many times I've done it in the Maldives. Cool. Oh, I've dreamt of doing that. That is cool. You can't really crash in one of those, can you? Well, let's hope not. You can't really see a way you could crash if you land on water.

There'd be no point in having the little inflatable slide. Come on, join in. I'm no expert. We are. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Samaya, four-hour delay in the airport... Can you not call me Samaya?

Samaya. Isn't that your Terence Trent Darby name? It's my stage name. He changed his name, Terence Trent Darby. He sure did. Santander. Is that where you went to? Yeah.

Is it? No, that was a bank. Oh. Satmanda, it was. Is that right? Yeah. Satmanda, it was. Is that right? Yeah, Satmanda. The airplane delay was, it afforded me a little bit of extra time for people watching, which I like to do. And I spied with my little eye.

Oh, yeah. A man in his 60s doing a bit of surreptitious e-cigarette smoking. That's not the game, you've given it all away. Oh, did you want me to? I spied with my little eye, you shouldn't, you've said too much. So the beginning was E? Yeah. E-cigarette. Oh, is that what it's called, E-smoking? I nearly called it vaping, but I think that's different, isn't it? I don't, I don't know.

It didn't smell like potpourri. I saw a shop recently that just had, it was like an E-tobacco. Oh, an E-cigarette? Yeah. That's all they had. I mean, I wasn't a fan of the smoking, but the e-cigarette thing, I really don't- Do you not like them? I really don't get it. I don't, you know- Well, inside- but they can do that inside, can't they? I don't think so, because he was doing it like this.

I mean, this is visual, but for the- We'll take a picture. Yeah, he was sort of going- And then he was breathing out through his nose whilst pretending to scratch his face and stuff. But he was doing it a lot. Like, it was surreptitious. He was a desperate addict. Surreptitious he. I know.

Is that what he was? At the Hawthorne's. Desperate addict. At the Hawthorne's, home of West Bromwich Alder. I don't know that family. You can't smoke, even though it's outdoors, obviously. You can't smoke, including e-cigarettes. Even though you're sitting in the open air.

I know why that is. I mean, come on. No, I know why're sitting in the open air. I know why that is. I mean, come on. No, I know why that is. Come on! Can I say why that is? Is it Nanny State? No. I was told by someone at the Globe, theatre, that, I'll say that again, theatre, that if you're in the gods, for example,

smoking, or the terraces in your case, Frank, other people, the groundlings, will think, oh, they're having your case, Frank, other people, the groundlings, will think, oh, they're having a cigarette, I'll have one, missing the subtlety that it's an e-cigarette from the distance, so it will encourage a general smoking problem. Thank you.

Well, I mean, that's just ridiculous. You think so? Well, I mean, I could, for example, remove, let's say, a piece of nose fodder from a friend's face from the downstairs. That could look like I was punching him in the head. So they all start punching him. It's my fault.

I don't think so. Anyway. Anyway, this chap was... Did you make a citizen's arrest? I did consider a citizen's arrest. You could make an e-arrest. Yeah. Yeah.

I found it a citizen's arrest. They could make an e-arrest. Yeah, yeah, just, uh, I found it a bit... I felt sorry for him, actually. Yeah, if he was that desperado. I just thought, can't you go outside for this? I suppose you can't really, can they? Have they not got like a little booth? Does it be an e-area?

Will there? Yeah. Well, there's the plain observing area you get at airports. It could have gone there. Oh at airports Oh Ken Holmes getting the sweet corn out On the telly Oh no he's got peppers there We shouldn't watch telly on the radio It's not nice for people Sometimes you say things

Ken Holmes getting the sweet corn out Sounds like it's a bit Gillian McKeith Analysis moment Oh Absolute Absolute radio That sounds like it's a bit Gillian McKeith analysis moment. Oh. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, we're all different.

Edward says, I can't believe no-one picked Alan up on another Descartes moment. Uh-oh. What was it? Potpourri? Yeah. Potpourri, I... I thought it was ironic. Yeah, I always say that. That's fine, isn't it? Potpourri? Yeah. Potpourri, I... I thought it was ironic. Yeah, I always say that. That's fine, isn't it?

Respect. You're allowed to do that. Okay. By the way, do you remember me telling you that I used to have a shower radio? Remember it? Yeah. It was the main feature of my diary entry, that thing. Some of the things are expected to remember in this job. I was very... I mean, please, does Alan

Sugar ask people that? I was really excited that I had a radio in the shower. Then when I turned it on, all it ever did was go... Eeeeee! So, for my recent birthday, I was bought another shower radio, a new, newfangled Bluetooth. That's what they call me.

It's my family nickname. Bluetooth, which for me has always been one of the more disappointing technological. Do you think? It is. It's a bit like Blu-ray. I just think... Oh, it's useful in the car, though, isn't it? It's alright in the car, but Bluetooth...

Alright, when you accept a call from a friend, how flash do I feel? I know, but when they... People really build up Bluetooth, and it's never quite caught on. Yeah. It's never had its onesie moment. And Blu-ray don't really...

I've got Blu-ray. I can't really see the difference, I'm going to be honest. Anyway, so I got this new one, which was from my sister-in-law, my brother-in-law. I was quite excited about it. So I put it on, and it's Women's Hour.

Is that what it's called, Women's Hour or Woman's Hour? Is it plural or singular? It's more than one that listens. Woman. Yeah, woman, women. Felt a little bit exhibitionist, listening to Woman's Hour in the shower. Did it? Felt a bit like I was in a bit exhibitionist listening to Woman's Hour in the shower. Did it? Felt a bit like I was in a bit of an inappropriate setting.

But anyway, it was all lovely, and then suddenly it went... No. And exactly the same as the other. Now, is there a breakfast show that's hosted by a macaw? Is that possible? I think you sound like, you're the consistent part of this problem. But what is it, the electricity in my body?

There's something wrong. Definitely. It's definitely that. Is it the Bluetooth? I say that because I don't really know what Bluetooth is. It's some mysterious thing that travels in the air. It's like spores. Bluetooth spores. I just know it's connectivity. thing that travels in the air yeah it's like spores bluetooth spores i just know it's connectivity i always see it next to and i like that word it's a made-up word

sort of thing you tell i really want to make it work though well how what are we going to do is there a bluetooth expert that could you want someone to help you with your shower radio there won't be bluetooth is something that doesn't quite exist, in my opinion. There'll be someone, that's someone's livelihood. I hate the idea of wasting time in my life. When I'm in the shower, I want to be learning. Oh, God.

When I'm on the treadmill, I've been... Just relax for a bit. Have a shower. No, I want to be learning in the shower. Do one of those primal thoughts like I do in the shower. You've got longer left than I have. Well, how do any of us know? Even in the shower,

just wash yourself. That's a good idea. That's all you should be doing in the shower. Wash yourself and learn. Ah, multitaskers. Wash yourself and learn is the title of my new pamphlet. Self-help book. for under-15s.

Thank you so much for listening this morning. If you're going to deal on the train... We are. We'll see you. Well, we're a bit undecided. Deal or no deal. Yay! So, if the good Lord spares us and the cricks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.