The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Wattle

Episode Date: March 28, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is joined by The Cockerel and friend of the show Holly Walsh. Frank discusses a particularly good gift he received and a concern he has about his appearance. The team talk Malik and Clarkson 's exists, Richard The Third's long awaited burial and wind chimes.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and guess what? Holly Walsh is here this morning. I love Holly Walsh. I mean,

professionally. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning Jim. Morning Peter. Morning. Thanks for coming Holly

thanks for having me Emily's a bit poorly today we all send a massive massive love and hugs I I'll ask your opinion on this I'll ask your opinion on something early

I was talking to a lady this week very nice very nice lady I'd say she'd be, anyway, she was well into middle age. Of a certain age. Yeah. And, um, she's talking about her marriage and about the fact that her ex, um, partner never answered the phone. Right. She said, you know, I'd often ring him, he never answered the phone. And I wasn't quite, I was thinking, what does she mean? Like a, is it like a landline or?

And I said, this is why, this is what came out. Were mobile phones invented when you were married? Now, I didn't, I really didn't mean, I was just trying to establish a timeline. Oh dear. Yeah. She seemed to take it all right, I think, when I could find her in the building. She'd obviously gone off to a room on her own for a bit.

She, do you know her well? No. So, do you ever get that thing when somebody tells you something incredibly personal about themselves and you think, we've connected. Yeah. And then you tell them something incredibly personal about yourself and then later on you realise they're just the sort of person who tells everyone really personal stuff. Yeah. And you've said that one thing that you never told anyone.

Well, I never do that because obviously my personal things are valuable currency. They could make a fortune out of those. So I'm pretty much a fortune out of those. So I'm pretty much a closed book in conversation. So if you were to see someone in need, you might help them out by giving them a titbit that they could then sell to the press to help them out.

What a charitable guy. That would be lovely, wouldn't he? Homeless person, got any spare change, mate? No, but I once killed a man in Oldham in 1976. But I didn't, if anyone's listening. There's people in Oldham now saying, hold on a minute. Didn't he say he'd been hanging out with some comedian chap?

So, yeah, so that's that. We had a good texting, didn't we, this morning about one of my rare, nowadays rare TV appearances. We did have an email. Let me find it, because I was doing my troll. I'm sorry, I've given you a hospital pass. You have been... Okay, we'll move on, we'll move on. My worst ever one, I don't know if you were on the show, I may have told this on the show, I was at a cricket match, and i was sitting with a woman who was um

she was full figured and she had um she was married to quite a senior cricket executive and we were and the cream tea came around at tea you know the scones and all that and i said to her i bet you've had a few cream teas in your time and I meant because she was lived in the world of cricket. Oh, it sounded so awful. Anyway, in the light of these two things, I've actually been offered the top gear job. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, um, I did a TV series this week, which then ended. And often, if you do that, you get, well, as you two know, you get a present. I love a present of any kind. Can I say today, by the way, I got, somebody sent me a present. And even talking about it now makes me feel slightly breathless. They sent me a signed photo of Tom Baker, personally signed to me, and a CD, which I think might be Tom Baker, talking to me. I'm not sure about it, but that's what it seems to be.

That's exciting, isn't it? And do you know someone sent me a £2,500 fountain pen the other week? Well, you didn't quite name the price for a little bit. Didn't I? Oh, God. Oh, I have now. You kept it back for about an hour, if memory serves. Did you know it was that because they left the price on, or did you do what I do, which is you Google it

and see how much it's worth online? No, they said, they sent me a letter saying we'd like to give you a 2,500 quid fountain, but they were completely off the top of it. Was it Saga magazine? Were they trying to get you to subscribe? What makes you think that? It was Michael Parkinson.

He arrived at my house dressed as a courier. What if he came on a courier bike? That'd be good. Modelled as a giant pen on which he rides around distributing his... I mean a motorbike with pen fairing like a set up. Pen fairing? I like the sound of that.

That ought to be a character in an Oscar Wilde short story. Yeah, why not? Let's make it happen. Oh. Salino. Salino pen fairing. Anyway, that pen is lovely and I write with it and it glides like Torval and Dean. You'd hope, for two and a half grand.

But I can't... And I was very excited about it but I'm going to be quite honest I'm more excited when I opened that Tom Baker up this morning I could have wept so thank you very much to Oliver McNeil the photographer who sent me that

you've made an old man very happy essentially two old men very happy. Because I'm sure Tom Baker was thrilled to hear of a fan. Oh, I hope so. That's a lovely thought. I don't think he's short on fans. Anyway, but that's a lovely thought. I was given a box of meat as my closing show present.

Lovely. Now, you may remember, regular readers will know that for Christmas, Room 101 gave me a meat voucher. Barely buys food now. He just does television. Exactly. Stucks up his freezer. Cupboard's bare.

I'd better get some bookings in. He doesn't get paid. He just does a cardio delivery. Just cover that. I'm paid in meat. Sometimes I take it away live and do my own slaughtering. Depends, depends on the show. If it's reality TV, they just give it to cattle.

No, so it was a lovely, lovely box of meat with all sorts in it. You know, it wasn't just, not just one meat. And I'll tell you what was the best thing about it. Ox tongue. Any ox tongue in there? There was no ox tongue. I had a bad episode with them. Did you? Oh, I'd like to hear that. Like a French kiss. French kiss. No.

Did you use it to simulate a French kiss? No. People were trying that, weren't they? Has it been cooked? When you get it, it's raw. It's as though it would be in the mouth, or there's something being done to it. Yeah, it's an ox's tongue. Yes.

Yeah. And you boil it until the tongue, the outer skin you can then peel off. It's grim. It's pretty grim. Yeah. Anyway, that's not what you got, is it? Have you ever had a chitling?

What? A chitling. A chitling? Is that the inside of something? I think it's some sort of awful sausage. Oh. It's delicious. Is it really?

It's delicious. It was the best awful sausage I've ever had. Okay. Well, look, I'm going to play some adverts while people just recover from this little bit of the conversation. There'll be vegans who are listening to this now who are throwing themselves at the walls. So I'm sorry for that,

but we'll be back with a slightly censored version of my meat box. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So my meat box, what was lovely about it, it was all compartmentalised. You know when you see like a hit man in a movie? Oh, nice. And they open a suitcase and there's like a...

I don't know where they go to get them. Did you... Argos. They get those from Argos. Did you screw an entire cow back together? Yeah. Hee, hee, hee. Yeah.

And I'll put a sausage on to the end of a lamb chop like a silencer. Yeah. Brilliant. Yeah. Then the T- a sausage onto the end of a lamb chop like a silencer. Brilliant. Yeah. Then the T-bone steak for the arm, the shoulder. That's good. That'd be great if the whole cow came in a separated box. Oh, man, meat gun.

Have you seen my meat gun? Pardon? Sorry, officer. No, but it was... I remember once Ribena sent me a Ribena sort of construction kit. And it was a bottle of Ribena and a bottle of water and a glass and a mix, a sort of whisk for mixing it up. It's elaborate.

But that was in one of those boxes where they all fit. I just like those boxes where things fit neatly into their compartments. Is today's show things you've been given for free sorry is that what we're doing if i've been really things i've been sent over the years i don't send me any i've been i can afford that i know but do you know what i mean there's something very sad and with meat yeah it means every time i eat a bit of that mate there's that meat, there's a gaping compartment. Sort of like in a big chocolate selection box, so you can see which bits are the favourites. But everybody goes for the steak, and then everybody's left this sort of nostril.

I started with the pork chops, I've got to tell you. Started with pork? Yeah. Started with pork? It was a high register, wasn't it? I always had surprised that I was. It started with pork. It was a high register, wasn't it? I always had surprised I was. It started with a pork chop. I find the sell-by date of pork the most threatening of all the sell-by dates.

Yes. Why? Good wisdom. Because I think when pork goes off, it becomes a killer. For a man of my age, I wouldn't play with pork. I thought it became jerky. No, that's beef, isn't it? No, I've become jerky in later life. You're mixing up the various ageing processes of the human being and the pork chop.

But if you took out all... And you could just see the shape of the meat when you finished it. I could pour chocolate into that and then I could give people chocolate meat. That's your Easter present. Lovely chocolate meat, yeah. Have a chocolate sausage.

Yummy. But I was quite pleased with it. And it even included a rack of lamb. Oh, nice. Which will double as a toast rack. Nice. I thought that would be a lovely breakfast.

Can I ask you a question? Do you have a freezer big enough for this meat amount? I've worked out from the sell-by dates and a little bit of haphazard timetabling I can get through the whole lot without having to freeze anything Brilliant I always think once something's frozen it's never the same No disrespect if any of the Walt Disney family are listening

But I just... And yes, don't text him i know he was cremated and it's an urban myth but it's a you know it's a better story um yeah it's a comedy no i don't i don't freeze anything except peas that's it with me ice cream ice cream i all would always say i could get through a tub without having to oh my goodness I've got a separate freezer just for meat. Have you really? Yeah. You've got a walk-in wardrobe equivalent of a freezer. Yeah, that's right.

Walk-in bath. You know those walk-in baths? What about one of those full of meat? Yep, got that as well. I used to work in one of those. You worked in a walk-in bath? I worked in the cold rooms at Marks and Spencer's. Did you really?

Yeah. That would explain you really? Yeah. That would explain a lot. Yeah, like Rocky. Yeah, I used to punch ready meals. Here's a question. Do people still put steak on a black eye? That's this morning's text, then. That's good.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Have you paid for anything in the last eight years? That's a personal question. Whatever that woman tells you, it's just talk. It's one of the things that you whisper to a big issue seller. But a scandal for the purpose. Exactly.

No, I'm not. I'm actually, on this show, I've tried to not get phrased off. I often say, don't send me a Black Nando's card, or I'll just use it to get the ice off my windscreen. Whereas some people, they would kill members of their own family for a

Black Nando's card. You got one, Holly? I had one for a bit, but it stopped working. Oh. How many meals did you get him? About 55,000. Fair enough. In a three-month period. How did you get it? What did you have to do?

I was on a TV show. Actually, that's one of the best things I ever got, ever, in all time, of everything I've ever received. Yeah. I think it wasn't black as well. I think it was. Ever. In all time. Of everything I've ever received. Yeah. I think it wasn't black as well. I think it was another colour. I think it was a sort of more temporary one. Oh, okay.

Yeah. They weren't committing to my stardom. They said, let's see how this goes for three months. Can I reiterate? I don't want one. Um, so... Alan wants one. I don't.

You don't want one? I don't want one. No, stick them. Stop bothering us. I don't want one? No, I don't want one. Stick them. Stop bothering us. I don't want it. Get off me. Honestly, it's like being in Istanbul. Nan does.

You want pulling up my sleeve. I don't want one. Hey, you know, ages ago, you asked me about that email. I found it. Oh, did you? I remember ages ago. You said we've had an email. Is it the moment's gone?

No, I don't know. Okay, go on. I'm prepared to throw it in the mix. Yeah, that's what Zayn Malik told me. Hi Frank, I was watching a bit of CBeebies last night and on you came reading there's a lion in my cornflakes. My boy and I were

enthralled by your reading. Blimey, your face must have been shattered after that. Your eyebrows covered the facial pitch in a way I've never seen before. Like two furry Steven Gerrards. And you've got a very mobile storytelling face. Well, you know, when you're telling a face to a child, you have to give it some. It sounds like you really did.

There's no room. So you were overly using your facial expressions to amplify the story. Yeah, I didn't, I mean, I knew I was doing it a bit, I didn't realise they were that rampant. Of course, there's a line in my cornflakes, could well be your breakfast tomorrow now that you've been sent that meat box, hasn't it? Yeah, exactly. I'm eating like a lion. So I'm eating everything now.

I don't have cornflakes now. I just have lamb chops. Lovely. Mmm. I'll tell you what else. That wasn't the whole. I also was given my own personal seal. Seal? Not as in...

Not one of those. Because never give animals gifts. I was given... You know, the ones you use to stamp on a letter, to seal the letter? I was given that and a stick of red sealing wax. Oh, nice. Wow.

Beautiful. Have you used that yet? Yes. I had a general anaesthetic in the week, so I covered the whole of my trouser zip with it for safety. No, I haven't actually used it yet, but I like to think that I will. It's a beautiful gift.

You've got a £2,500 pen, a seal. All you need now is some scrolls. Yes. Oh, actually, I think he's been sent some paper. Have you got the scrolls? No, I always walk like this. It's an old one, but I just like to say it anyway. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

We've had a text in that I'm not sure I... I don't like to doubt the veracity of, but I'll put it to the board and see what you guys think do you think this is a true story or is there a joke joke in there uh i once watched a man shoplifting a pack of two tiny frozen chops by sticking them under his hat when i was leaving the store i saw him lying on the floor passed out from brain freeze hat side, chops on the other, two security guards standing over him, killing themselves laughing. Joe? Well, I want it to be true so much.

Yeah, me too. I mean, unless it killed him. I don't want it to kill him. I mean, I'm all for it, you know. I think crime should be punished, but not by death. It's not quite Dostoevsky, is it, in the text? There's so much about that story that's brilliant. A hat. Not just a chop but

two small chops. Was it a pot pie hat? The whole outfit was main themed. Were they lamb chops? It says chops. Two frozen chops. Could be any. Which bit of the animal is a chop from?

God, so many meat-related taste-ins. There must be a bit of rib in that. Do you think so? Yeah, got to be. Because the rib... I love... My favourite food has a handle on it. So the lamb chop, the pork chop.

Lolli? Yeah, the toffee apple. In fact, I'd say a pork chop is sort of like a meat lolli. Yeah, chicken leg. Chicken leg is more like a meat toffee apple. Chicken leg's great. Anyway. I think people often go for the breast,

but they don't realise that the leg and the thigh are actually more tasty. Tastier cuts of meat, indeed. Yeah, I've never been sure about that. Anyway. You're listening to the food programme on Radio 4. We've talked a lot about meat this morning. I'm full. I'm full.

My cholesterol levels have shot up just from the conversation. And I'm worried about my throat, as it is. I don't know, I mean, it's been kind of you not to mention this, any of you, but my throat is getting a bit Dead Sea Scrolls. What do you mean? You know, I was sitting in a make-up chair the other night and I could see that I'm getting the throat of a man in advanced years. You know when the throat goes?

I remember an American comedian once talking about, he'd seen Ronald Reagan get out of a helicopter and he said his hair did not move at all. It was so waxed down but his throat was blowing all over the place. And I'm starting to notice that my throat can

be moved by the wind. It just doesn't. You know what, I've developed what I believe they call in the chicken world a wattle. Right. Isn't it a dewlap on a cow? A pipe? A water wattle.

Yeah, thank you. Or a dewlap on cattle. Back to meat. I've gone back to meat. Straight away. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not keen on it. Shall I tell you what you need to do?

You need to do... Uh-oh. You need to get a piece of wire. You need to get a piece of wire. You need to tuck it underneath your jaw and hook it to your ears. Yes. And it basically gives you a sort of super cheap... Or, like, tooth floss.

A very super cheap sort of chin facelift. Well, a friend of mine... What, and then do you keep it on? Yeah, forever. Oh, no, that sounds too much. I thought you meant, like, for a little while. No, no, it's like a brace. Well, a friend of mine... What, and then do you keep it on? Yeah, forever. Oh, no, that sounds too much. And you keep tightening around these. I thought you meant, like, for a little while. No, no, it's like a brace. Well, a friend of mine, I won't name,

once did a chat show in America with the, um, I think now dead, American actress Shelley Winters. And he said before she went on... Do you remember Shelley Winters, Night of the Haunter and all? And before she went on stage, she said she came in looking, you know, and she was an old lady, she came in looking like an old lady.

She had a wig on and her stylist took the wig off and there was like a sort of wing nut on top of her head, which she then tightened up. And as she tightened up, the whole face went into a facelift and then put the wig back on and then she went on looking. And when she came off into the chair undone the wing knot and Shelley went oh

wow so there's a little tip at home if you've got a partner who's a bit of a handyman laughter The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio back Saturday morning from 8 tune in live for the full Frank experience Absolute Radio So you guys must have had a few end-of-show gifts in your time?

I've not had loads, but I still use a toilet bag that I got from an early episode of Mock the Week that I did. And does it say Mock the Week on it? No, it's just a wash bag that they'd bought from like Mugi or somewhere like that. Oh, they could have done a personalised. I don't think there was the impetus to treat me that well. Like, oh, hang on, let's get something embroidered. I didn't know you had impetus.

I've got some ointment, though, don't worry. But yeah, I still use that sometimes on the road. Lovely. I get given a lot of make-up. Me too. Top end make-up. What do you do with it? Make myself up.

I don't think of you as a make-up person. You know what I mean? You think? Is that a death stare, Holly? I look like somebody's given up. Is that a death stare? You look like somebody who doesn't need it. What about that?

What about that for a rescue? That was a man who... Yeah. I used it. You're not wearing makeup. By the way, your eyebrows really went for it in that moment. I know that was, yes. Your eyebrows were all over the pitch.

Did I tell you about that lion in the car, Frank? You're not wearing makeup now, are you? I'm not, but it was six o'clock when I got up and I thought, it's radio. Yeah, exactly. That's a good point. I thought, it's radio. Yeah, exactly. That's a good point. I thought, I don't have to impress anyone here. So, I got facially, I do... Don't run away with that idea.

...speakily, but not facially. No, speakily. I got made up for the sitcom thing and she denied it the week after. The next time I was made up by the make-up lady, I said, Oh, you know, I saw your notes on what you'd done and it said something like rebuild under one eye. Because I've got

like a wrinkly under one eye. I can't even remember if it was left or right. It was like a robocop. She was like, it did not say that, it did not. And since then, every time I look in the mirror, obviously I think, which eye is it that I need to fix? I've got a rebuild to do. They hated Alan on that project.

I'll tell you after all, he was a complete nightmare. Some of the stories. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Holly Walsh is with us this morning. I feel this should be something... River, Holly Walsh! But we didn't have time to get the thing together.

It's OK. But you're very welcome. You can text us on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I want to thank David as well. A guy called David, who's number 564, who sent me

the Princess Bride DVD. Oh, yeah. The Princess Bride. Is that what it's called? Princess, I think. Princess Bride, it's called, isn't it? Yeah, you said Princess. Did I? Yeah, you did. I'm sorry. That's all right. No biggie. The Kate Middleton life story. I'm sorry. That's all right, no biggie. Kate Middleton, Life Story. Yes.

Princess Bride. Yeah. Yes. I haven't watched it yet, which is why I've been delaying saying thank you, in case he asks me about it by text. Yeah. About the plot. It's always pressure if someone lends you a DVD or a book.

You think, oh, God, now I've got to... do that now before I dare see them again. Yeah. But thank you. It was a lovely gesture to send me a DVD. It had the cellophane on. Yeah, I still haven't listened to that Steve Jobs talking book that you gave me. I feel bad about that. But it's like 22 CDs.

I thought it was going to be one disc and then boom, I'm done. But I'm happy to have it back. I'll give it to a charity shop. OK. There's people who could kill them just to use them as coasters at a party. That's right, actually. I could do with some coasters. Or ways to ward off deer. People often hang CDs on trees and bushes to scare off deer from nibbling.

Yeah, they hate popular music, deer. Are deer a big problem in the UK? I haven't noticed many CDs to get rid of deer around the manors that I'm hanging out in. They're rubbish, they're absolutely rubbish, deer. I was in Norway and this guy said there's a big stag over there and I was looking for this thing and it came through the trees and as it came through the trees.

And as it came through, it was going to be the big dramatic entrance. Got all its antlers thing all caught in the tree. Got it caught. Had to stop and sort of untangle itself. It's rubbish. It's like walking around carrying one of them big metal step ladders wherever you go. It's just like, oh, God, imagine having them on your head all the time. Nevertheless,

are you... How do you feel about One Direction, Holly? Are you an enthusiast? Oddly enough, I'm not a huge enthusiast of One Direction as a whole, but I'm a big fan of Zayn Malik.

Are you? I actually... I genuinely... Before this week? I find him very attractive. Oh. He's definitely the hottest of the lot. Is he? He's the hottest of the lot.

Well, that's controversial, isn't it? What about Nobby Styles, as he's known in the trade? He sure is. You think better than Styles? Oh, for sure. Oh, I like your wacky tastes. I don't think that's wacky.

I think he's fairly acknowledged as being hot. Is he? Yeah. Presumably he's less hot now he's left, is he? Is that what happened? But at the moment he's hot because he's, like, unpredictable. You don't know what's going to happen. Oh, yeah, exactly.

He's hot because he's troubled. Girls love that. They do, yeah. That's why I've almost never been out with a woman in my life. Because you're so balanced and well-adjusted. Just happy-go-lucky. They hate that. They hate it. That's why I've almost never been out with a woman in my life. Because you're so balanced and well-adjusted. I'm just happy-go-lucky. They hate that.

I hate it. Well, come back to Zayn. I'm fascinated by him. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. We're talking about Zayn. Which is your favourite of the 1D boys?

It's Niall. He's your pin-up? Well, the reason it's Niall is I met him, and I met him in the press lounge at the Hawthorns because he was, before he became an Odea, I don't mean he's... He hasn't killed himself, don't panic, anyone who's listening. I mean, that's in one direction

he was a season ticket holder at the Albion no no isn't he Irish he's definitely going to be a fave I think he's of Irish stock he could be Irish

and have a season ticket at the Albion yeah that's allowed I think of course they used to have a very broad gate policy there's traditional

clubs that Irish fans tend to favour. Yeah, but we have got a few, because Johnny Giles was our manager for quite a while, and he assembled a lot of... This is not interesting. Irish players, and that's why. I was interested. I'm interested. Yeah, but, you know...

You fancy Zayn. I don't want to tread on the toes of rock and roll football. They won't like it. I didn't really know who Zayn. I don't want to tread on the toes of rock and roll football. They won't like it. I didn't really know who Zayn was until this week, and now it turns out that everyone knows who he is. And not only that, people like you have got a favourite one dear. Do you think Jeremy Clarkson is pleased or annoyed that Zayn left in the same week?

Because it's real sort of stealing his thunder. Either way, they've sort of both been up against each other for the headline. They have their own catchment areas, don't they? I think the people are upset about Clarkson probably aren't upset about Zane. No. But then the papers still have to choose a headline.

Yeah. And a photo. And there's no two ways about it. Zane is more photogenic than Parker, I think. Yeah, but with Clarker, you've got more face to work with. There's a four-page spread there, and that's just the chin. He's definitely got one of those nuts on the top of his head. A wing nut.

He should. I don't really know Zane, but he's quite heavily tattooed. I don't think anyone knows Zane. No. I think that's part of it. Do you think that's the thing? He's very mysterious.ed. I don't think anyone knows Zane. No. I think that's part of it. Do you think that's the thing? He's very mysterious. See, I understand.

I was offered to be in... Did you see Comic Relief? Did you see No Direction? Yeah. When there was a middle-aged comic. Well, I was offered that and I turned it down. So I understand where he's coming from. Oh, yeah.

What is to not be part of it. Very similar. It was the constant travel that put me off. It was so lucky that Zane didn't leave before that went out, because that would have been an awkward phone call. They would have had to call, I don't know, like, randomly one of the people and be like, I'm so sorry you've done a week of rehearsals.

Who's got the least powerful ears? Who's got it? I don't know who played Zayn, I'm guessing Johnny Vegas, but you can have a shot of him looking forlorn at an airport or something like that and reproduce the whole drama. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Zane has said that he's leaving one day because he wants to be a normal 22-year-old who's able to relax and have some private time. That's why I'm leaving Absolute Radio. To be a normal

22 year old. You're going to be online a lot of the time, aren't you? I'm going to have monkey gland implants. What's that? In pants. Monkey in pants. What are monkey gland implants? Monkey gland implants is what they used to do in the earlier 20th century to give you sort of eternal

youth. Right. I think WB Yates had it done. Would they put them straight into your wattle? Is that where the monkey glands were? I just filed them in my dewlap. My dewlap on my throat. So I could actually unveil a plaque to myself. If that was stapled to my Adams, I could pull a string and just the dewlaps would separate.

There it would be. My husband doesn't have an Adams apple. What? That's not possible, is it? He is a man. Did he used to be a lady? Are you sure? Does the dude look like a lady? That's the first clue. That's your first

audition for One Direction. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah, nothing. No Adams. As flat as a lady. Is it just that it's not visible, but he's got it in there? He's got a deep voice. He's not a medical marvel that just doesn't have that.

No, no. Oh, okay, that's fine. So we don't know why it's there. Oh, by the way, there was a correction. I was completely wrong. There was a one correction. I have a correction from Joanne on Twitter. It says, Liam is the West Bromwich Albion fan.

You're getting your band members mixed up. I am, yes. I thought it was Niall. It was Liam. Niall is lifelong Derby. Really? Maybe you should quit One Direction if you haven't got the voice right. Well, like I say, I turned down the chance to be in No Direction partly because it sounded a bit like New Direction

which was a gentleman's magazine from the 1970s that I no longer want to be associated with Oh, is it? That's enough of that I'm surprised Zane didn't mention that in his parting speech That he doesn't want to take a new direction Yeah What do you do as a normal 22-year-old?

I don't think he knows... I'll tell you what you don't do. Check your bank balance and see millions in it. How's he going to be a normal 22-year-old? Because he can buy what he wants, can't he? Forever. What I remember most about being a normal 22-year-old was the air raids.

But I don't suppose he'll have that. When you were a normal 22-year-old, the air raids. But I don't suppose he'll have that. When you were a normal 22-year-old, they didn't have mobiles. No, certainly not. They just weren't mobile. We just dwelt in one area of... Anyway, we wish him well

and is he left for a lady? I'm turning to Holly because I feel Holly's more into it than you are, Alan. Is that unfair? I've been doing a lot of reading on it to see if I can work out what the thing is. I think he's engaged to a lady and he went on a holiday to get his head together and then was photographed holding hands with another lady. He was on tour.

He was on tour and I think they had a couple of nights off. Oh. And they had a pool party. See, that's the problem with these one-deers. They shouldn't be allowed nights off. They should be flogged and worked and that keeps their, you know, keeps the blinkers on and they can cope then.

Yeah, I don't know. I wouldn't recommend the best way to improve your love life is to leave a major boy band. I think I'd hang around. How long before he regrets it? What do you think, Monday? He's probably rewriting his letter now Already

Hey man, he's gone away a couple of things I think he could still style this out Yeah I think he could just Styles Yeah, how he styles it out I think he could still go back And if he just doesn't mention

Have you had one of those things Where you've walked out on a big cough And then you just come back in And it's just not mentioned It'd be like Arj. Yeah, Arj. Just say he let his batteries go flat on his phone. We can all learn from Arj, I think.

I feel sorry. They're already calling, what's she called, the lady? Perrie Edwards. Already calling her the new Yoko Ono, which is harsh, isn't it? Perrie Edwards does not have the same ring to it as Yoko Ono which is harsh isn't it Perry Edwards does not have the same ring to it as Yoko Ono no but I mean the other woman I remember this when

Newman and Baddiel split up I got all this you were the Perry Edwards of your time I was I was very much the Perry Edwards Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I think when it all really hit Zane is when he says his first duvet cover without him on it.

Yeah, I was thinking about that. How many huge factories across the world are having to down tools to re-Photoshop the pictures? Oh, much, yeah, yeah. world uh having to down tools to re-photoshop the pictures yeah yeah likewise my um my waterproof under sheet um with top gear team on it that's now um redundant yeah i suppose with the one direction thing they could just put like a full stop on his face on some of the merch couldn't they just like a big... Well, they could have the four of them that big.

In the age of Photoshop, they'll just put the new... Who's the new person? Is it Dermot O'Leary? Yeah, that's right. God, you do 24 hours of dancing on Comet Relief, next thing you know, you're in OD. Yeah. Yes, well... Are you a big Top Gear fan?

Am I? Yeah. Well, I had a strange experience with Top Gear I'd never seen it And then Lee Matt wanted to put it into Room 101 So I thought I'd better have a look at it So I know what I'm talking about I watched two episodes, loved it

Which I'm not proud of Right But I didn't hear one right wing, one sexist thing or anything on those two episodes That's probably why they sent you those ones. That might be it. Is that what you were looking for? Sexist, right wing? Well, I sort of expected it. That is what they offer.

I wouldn't say I was looking for it the way I'm looking for, you know, like I was looking for gems in a cave. But that's what everyone has said, you know, oh, God, they're so, ugh, and so. But, in fact, I just found it. And I know nothing about cars, but I just thought it was... I liked... I thought it was funny. You don't know much about even your own car.

No. When features on a car get discussed, you say, oh, I think my car might have that. Yeah. That's how little you know about cars. I'm completely guessing. It's sort of a mysterious... The dashboard of my car is like the cosmos to me.

I need interpreters. But anyway, as long as the wheels go round, that's basically it. Anyway, Clarkson's gone, which... So what you're saying is you're not in the running for the new presenter with this kind of statement? No. No, what I know about cars, you could engrave on the skull of a midge on a midge skull sometimes i feel like

your cliches are a bit much yeah exactly you always go for the easy one yeah exactly the old midge skull cliche yeah it's like talking to a footballer. Yeah, you're quite right. So, no, it won't be me. Who will it be? It's probably not going to be me either. Ruth Maddock? Ruth Maddock. That would be a good shout, wouldn't it?

Who's Ruth Maddock? Heidi High. Oh. Hoody Ho. I know, I was just telling you how E.D.R. means spelt his first name. Ho-dee-ho. No, I was just telling you how E-W-E-D-R means spelt his first name. I saw a really, really fat man in a very small... Is this all right? Is this all right?

No, it's true. It's an anecdote. Is this all right? What do you think? It's one of my anecdotes. It sounds like he's auditioning for Top Gear. Really, really fat man. Exactly. He's after the job, Alan. I saw a really, really fat man in a tiny smart car the other day and I laughed out loud. It gave me a lot of pleasure.

And I really think maybe the top year people should... Sounds like my meat box. Maybe they should think about that. Get a big guy so that it looks funny. Especially when they put their helmet on and it sort of squashes their cheeks together and stuff. It'd be quite a good giggle. Bit of visual. Have they thought about that?

I've told you, stop treading on the tails of rock and roll football. Oh, OK. No, I don't know if that will happen, will it? I think if the person's good enough, they should be allowed to do it, irrespective of their size. It seemed a strange choice, instead of, like, a large vehicle. That's all I'm saying. Okay, I'm uneasy.

I'm uneasy about it. Very uneasy. I'll be all right in a minute. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had a joke in. A texted joke from Kev the cabbie. Now Zayn has left, should One Direction change their name to One Defection? Good.

That's a joke, isn't it? That's good, I like that. Maybe Russia should have changed their name to that after Boris Gordievsky defected. Yeah, maybe. It's not such a good joke, that one. It's not going to be out of the crowd, please. I've arrogantly tried to top it, made a fool of myself. I think in the moment there was some credit to be given,

but take that out of context, let's know that's bad. If I tweeted, since Boris Gordiatsky left Russia, it should be known as one defection, that'd mean I could get nothing. While I'm looking at the texts, I've also got an update. Oi, that chop story is true. It was an Asda superstore. Have you seen how far the freezers are from the doors? Ask our Karen. She was with me. Well, as far as I'm concerned,

if our Karen's backing him up, that's that. I think it's a she, but yeah. Excellent news. As regards Clark, sir, as you called him last week, I think he's undergone quite a dramatic change. The press pack were outside his house the other day and he came out on a bicycle and cycled past them.

He came out of his house on a bicycle? He came out with a bicycle and they said, Jeremy, have you got any comments or something? And he said, sorry, I'm going out. For a start, he's become a cyclist, which, who would have thought top gear host anti-cycling in the past he has genuinely said

cyclists are trespassers in the motor cars domain they've no right to be on the road some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction can I say that Alan's reading all these off a tattoo on his arm that's what a fiercely pro-cyclist person he is.

And he closed that comment with, run them down to prove them wrong. That was what he said in the past about the cyclist. Probably a joke. And now he is a joke. He got to keep his job for that, so that's important. Yeah, yeah. But then he's become one.

It feels like he's sort of... Wouldn't it be wonderful if it was all a facade? All the time he was under contract, he had to pretend to be this petrolhead, sort of slightly anti-everyone sort of vibe. But actually, all the time he was going home and crying to his... What would be really good is if that came out now and then he got the job back,

he could be reappointed as like a... It turns out you're all alright. He might get country file. That'd be good, wouldn't it? My bet is that he'll get talk sport. I think he'll do a bit better. I think he'll do alright, won't he? I don't think we should worry about him being unemployed. No, I reckon he could live off the interest

of what he's already amassed, surely. People have had bigger falls and come back. Oh, God. back as huge people. Richard III. He got in a huge argument over a steak and ended up in a car park in Leicester. I think a lot of Clarkson's fans must be really disappointed to find out that he has his steak cooked at all. You'd want to think he just tore it off the animal. If only he'd been steak cooked at all. Yeah. You'd want to think he just, like, tore it off the animal.

If only he'd been sent a meat box. Yeah. That's all he needed. He should have just sent his show-rap gift early. Oh, poor old Clarkson. That is something I haven't heard this week. Anyway, if he does get... I'm sure he'll get offered a lot of different jobs.

I hope he doesn't choose by going eeny, meeny, miny. Good point. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've got Holly Walsh with us this morning. We have. Hello, Holly. Hi. Thanks for having me. It's lovely to have you on. You always have strange tales.

How's your life? I, well... Have I dropped you in it yet? I have got a life. Oh, no, good. Thank God. She's still got a life. I'm still alive. If we had found you,

call me a straight from a life support machine. My neighbour's just got a wind chime. Oh, there you go. That'll do. I know the news. You can't carry on living your life through others. A wind chime? Yeah. Have you ever lived near a wind chime? Well, my mother-in-law has a wind chime, but she...

Modern comedy's different. Uniquely, yes. My mother-in-law, she's got a wind chime. See you after the break for the story about a dreamcatcher. Good night. Uniquely, she keeps it indoors. That's exactly where wind chimes should be kept. So it's less of a bother.

More of a decoration with no wind. Your neighbour has it on the porch. I imagine she's got a porch. No, they have a... I don't live in the deep south. Yes. With no wind. Your neighbour has it on the porch. I imagine she's got a porch. No, they have a... I don't live in the deep south. They have a... Who has a porch in London? I don't know. Text in. My other car has a porch.

Very good. I read recently. So, can you hear it at night? It's... You can't switch it off. You can't switch off a wind chime? You can't switch it off. You can't switch off a wind chime. You can't switch off the wind. That's what King Canute thought.

What kind of a psychopath has a wind chime? How many kinds of psychopaths are there? 8, 12, 15. What kind of time? Psychopath has a wind chime. That's my tattoo. Is it one of the... So, it's one of the dangly... Tell you what I've never seen in anyone's house. Are you aware of the

Aeolian harp? Isn't that the bit around the nipple? No, that's the Aureole, you see. I'm aware of that, but I don't think even mine doesn't recognise when the wind blows. That's my throat you're thinking of. So that was the Northern Lights.

Oh, we've got very complicated. No, the Aeolian harp is a variation. It's a sort of a harp, but it's set up in such a way that when the wind blows across the strings, it plays. There's a Samuel Taylor Coleridge poem about it, if you want to look it up. Is there? Absolute radio, those gentlemen.

I'm a fan of ST, so I'll have a look. He went to my school. Absolute radio, ladies and gentlemen. I'm a fan of ST, so I'll have a look. He went to my school. Coleridge went to your school? Yeah, Coleridge. Excellent. Wow. Yeah. And George Lamb. Have you still got a drug problem there? No. Is it George Lamb? Isn't he the guy who... George Lamb, yeah. No, no, not

the present day George Lamb. Oh, right. An older George Lamb. A different George Lamb. Maybe his first name wasn't Lamb. Was it the Lamb Shakespeare thing? And we shouldn't get into this too heavily. Anyway. So, but it's not that loud, is it? Who went to your school? Patrick Stewart.

Good one. Jean-Luc Picard. Nobody interested went to any of my schools except me. That's a very arrogant view of your alumni. I remember saying this at a reunion evening once. That's why you cancelled your Friends Reunited account, isn't it? You know, I never really got into that. Isn't the great mystery and thing that keeps us all going, the knowledge,

is we'd love to see what the people we were at school with look like now. But not enough to actually join Friends United. I want to come back to the winter, because I'm fascinated by it, the momentous status it's been given in your life. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Cochran Walsh this morning.

Cochran Walsh. Sounds like solicitors. Nice. It does, doesn't it? Or bookkeepers. I could imagine you two doing a, Hello, I am Cochran. And I'm Walsh.

I can imagine. Can I do the song now? No, you can't. You can text us at 8.12.15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We have had a text in that I would like to bring to your attention. It's on the topic of wind chimes,

which Holly was mentioning just before. We crossed the hour, as they say on radio. Oh, I like that. When my husband and I stay overnight, this isn't me, I haven't got a husband, I'm reading a text. You can have a husband in the modern age, don't turn your nose about it. I was just saying for clarity.

You've gone very Elton John's mum. When my husband and I stay overnight at his mother's in Wolverhampton, we get up as soon as she has gone to bed to take her wind chime down. We put it back before she gets up. We could just ask her to take it down herself, but she's a psychopath. And that's from... I'm going to say... This is one person's opinion, can I... I'm not going to say the name of who sent that in, just in case, but let's just say

it's text number 195. Believe me, there'll only be one person in Wolverhampton with wind chimes. So you've already nailed it down. There you are. That's good. If you slept in the same room as wind chimes, is it possible that one could break wind with alarming ferocity and soften the blow with a beautiful tinkle of melody? I think I probably could, yeah.

I don't like to show off. Congratulations. I'm no Mr Methane, but I know know i can't anyway that's enough of that that's actually a very beautiful thought yeah very because you can take the edge off a lot of sourness with music so yeah they've got these wind chimes my neighbors the wind chimes What are you... So, yeah, they've got these wind chimes. My neighbours have the wind chimes. And it's actually...

Also, they're slightly atonal, so they sound a bit like the... It sounds like someone's vomiting the soundtrack to The Exorcist. It's that very... It's just... It creeps me out. It's a creepy sound. Yeah. It doesn't make me feel zen or relaxed or at one with nature.

It makes me feel on edge. Yeah. Like in a horror movie. Fair summary of most of the music I personally choose for the show. I don't think of you as an intolerant person. Have you considered the removal of the wind chimes, a la Wolverhampton? Well, I can't because I'd have to scale a wall to do it, firstly.

And secondly, I'm not sure if it's... I mean, is that antisocial behaviour, having a wind chime? I mean, it keeps me awake at night, and it wakes me up in the night. But I don't know if it's classed as having an antisocial neighbour. It'd be a difficult thing, wouldn't it?

I've come to speak to you about your wind chimes. It does sound... They're like, when are you coming in and have a hemp tea? Let's chat about it. Yeah. And by the end of it, you feel... They're actually not, they're quite not hippie-ish,

but they're really into their wind chimes. Do they have dreamcatchers? That'd be a good complaint. I've noticed some of my dreams are starting to linger in the area. Could you take down your dream cutter can i tell you a true story someone gave my parents a dream catcher and they didn't feel they could throw it out so they keep it like wedged by a pipe next to the downstairs loo that's gonna catch all sorts oh okay i hope the person who gave that isn't listening

Oh, OK. I hope the person who gave that isn't listening. I've got a... I went round to see my neighbours last weekend. We were casually chatting. And they were talking about the people who live in our road and stuff. And then they said, yeah, of course, and blah, I won't name the name, but blah, blah lives up the road. And I said, whoa, whoa, hold on.

I said, do you mean the Doctor Who person and they said yeah he's lived here no and i've lived in this road a year and this person i say i don't know what i don't feel i should know but they are like major figure in in classic doctor who writer script writer etc wow an inventor of some of the key themes. And lives less than 100 yards from my house, and I didn't know. Now, what would you say... Would it be all right for me to just... Knock on?

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Why don't you just bump into them? But I live in the north, where knocking on is sort of socially acceptable. I live in London, where it's basically a threat. It is. We'll come back to this, because you can imagine it's been nagging at me.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I, um, this is what I need in car enrichment. Mm. Once you get to a wattle like that, you need everything. You need all my wattle. Can you hear it at home? So I thought maybe I could just say my car's broken down. Oh, yeah.

You know, and... To this neighbour that has a career that you admire. Could have borrowed a cup of diesel. To this neighbour that has a career that you admire. Could have borrowed a cup of diesel. But if he's heard that I live in the road and I did my car's broken down thing, that's going to make me seem even scarier. Wow. Yeah, that would be...

Can I make a suggestion? Buy a jet pack. No, you get a really... Look through his window. You get a really loud wind chime and wait for him to knock on your door. Oh, that could work. Yeah, especially if it goes...

You would need a certain set of prevailing weather conditions for that to take place. And a hugely mic'd up wind chime. Yeah, I don't have to very carefully judge judge the length of the uh metal strips to get the right so i think my new year's resolution was not to mention doctor who on the show i was forced forced upon me i've had that and then i had my fantastic gift this morning yeah uh the photographer oliver oliver mcneil in case you don't know sent me a personalized signed photo of tom baker yeah which what are you going to do with it put it in your i imagine you've got a huge safe in your Oliver McNeil, in case you don't know, sent me a personalised signed photo of Tom Baker. Yeah. Which... What are you going to do with it?

Put it in your... I imagine you've got a huge safe in your house full of stuff. Really cool stuff. You know what? I've got... Stolen artworks. I have got a safe. There was a safe when I moved into my house, built into the wall.

Nice. And I've never, ever really thought... Does it have one of those wheels on it? Yeah, yeah. I've never thought to um use it it seems that we think maybe the meat yeah a meat safe yeah that sounds like we used to have a meat safe when i was a kid that's what people before refrigerators were common people put this thing in a meat safe you really are from a different era sometimes i am no i am from a different era sometimes. I am. Wait, I am from a different era.

Do people have meat ruffles? Oh, that's... They're meat ruffles. You know those things the Elizabethans wore? They had those. Oh, that's what you should get for your neck. They had those made out of spam. Yeah, lovely. Now I'm growing my own.

Meat ruffles. I'm growing my own, yeah. A couple of weeks I'll look like Shakespeare I've actually had a text about meat hi Frank and minions, I'm not sure how I feel about that I agree meat out of the freezer is not as good a couple of years ago I cooked a rabbit

that I'd had for a while, brackets over a year the wife came home four days later holiday with her sister not around they had also in brackets and her first words when walking into the backyard was what's that foul smell i must admit i did think twice about eating it but i hate waste and i saw it as a challenge for my iron guts and he had to keep up the good

work a rabbit that's been in the freezer i'm gonna hazard a guess that that man is over 55 years old because he eats rabbit no because he's doing what my parents do, giving an unnecessary amount of extra information in a story that doesn't need it. Oh, really? I don't know. I like the rambling nature of it. It was like Moby Dick. You read Moby Dick?

He's not a man who thinks oh, maybe I'll just cut to the chase. Melville. I mean, full respect to Melville, as we always say here on Absolute Radio. But what it is, though, there's a lot of stuff that isn't about the chase. Lots of quite detailed stuff about whaling. Oh, really?

Who needs it? It's like being... trapped in a lift with Bob Marley. There was a whalers joke in there somewhere, but it was so impenetrable, even I didn't get it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We should really talk about this Richard III thing that's been all over the old media this week.

Big story. I don't want to, like, you know, I don't like trumpeting my ignorance, but I'm not sure I get it. I'm not sure I get why it's such a big deal. Why are they reburying a guy that's been dead for yonks? Why is it such a big fuss?

Well, he didn't get much of a burial first time round. He was in a car park in Leicester. Yeah. He was in a supermarket car park. Yeah, they found him. I'm excited for the historian that did the work and went, I'm pretty sure he's there, and then she got proven right.

That's exciting, isn't it? Yeah, it's amazing. But then I don't really get why so many people have gone. Well, it's Richard III, for a start-off. Yeah. Even if you're not into history, you're liable to have heard of him through Shakespeare. Yeah, I am. Yeah, yeah.

Yes. My wife said, what do you think of this? I said, all I know is that at one point he was prepared to swap his kingdom for a horse. That's all I've got. I mean, I think that's where they got the idea for Swap Shop, isn't it? Yeah, I'm not saying he was a great barterer. No, he's one of the worst I've heard of.

But he's pretty... I'd say as royals go, he's... Well, no-one's ever said this of Richard III before, but he's quite high profile. And a lot of people are into him. Loads, like 30,000 went, whereas... What, to his funeral? No, to look at the tomb in Leicester. 30,000 people turned up. Well, he was... He did a to look at the tomb in Leicester. He was paraded

first of all. Seems weird to me at the trip when it's now in the public domain that Leicester's got one less city centre car parking space. Why would 30,000 of them show up? Where do they park? They're creating problems for themselves. I imagine they filled it in again after, didn't they?

You think it's back to being a car parking space? I don't think... Can I bring it back? Yeah, you can go back. Well, I was excited about it, I must say. So they gave him a proper consecrated burial, did they, after they dug him up? Yeah, he's got a proper tomb in Leicester. Is it Cathedral?

It must be Leicester Cathedral. Yeah. He's big time now. He's big time now. You don't think it's a cynical tourist move? Definitely, definitely not. Oh. No, but it's good.

Leicester's got other reasons to go. I mean, I've been to Leicester many times. It's got a lot of pound shops. It's got a lot of stuff going on. You've got a great view for the Eclipse. My favourite curry house is there. A lot of good curry, yeah. Is that like...

I'm not going to go at Leicester in any way. Is that like My Little Pony, my favourite curry house? It's a toy that you can get. Well, I don't know. He was actually... The bones were found in February 2013. Yeah. And he's only just been buried

again, so, you know. One wonders if Richard III had maybe been dragging his feet a bit. Ha ha ha! Oh, I think it's a great story. I just... It probably took that long to get, to find Benedict Cumberbatch's

place in his, in a calendar to do the readings. That's true. In case you don't know, Benedict Cumberbatch did the, what would you call it, the eulogy? He was a great guy. Exactly. I remember one time, there was these two princes in the tower, and I said, you are not going to do that. He said, you just watch me.

He didn't, did he? He read a nice poem, a special poem by Carol Ann Duffy. Was he picked just because his surname sounds a bit like Humpyback? I think not. I think he was picked because he is apparently Richard III's third cousin 16 times removed. I don't know what the 16 times removed bit means. They were looking for a family member and it just so happened it was one of the greatest actors this country has produced in the last decade.

Well, that's very convenient. Isn't it? This is well as Jeremy Clarkson. 16 times removed. That happened to me in a nightclub in Birmingham. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We've had a text in from 002 When was the last time you went to email corner?

P.S. I think it's time for Alan to record a jingle for it Maybe there's a point there I'd feel a bit bad if we did that while Emily was off It'd be a sly piece of... Yes, shall we go to email corner? Yeah, let's do that Okay Shall we go to email corner? Yeah, let's do that. Okay. That's unbelievable. She doesn't sound that well on there.

That's incredible. Yeah. That's amazing. I've got an email. Oh, good on you. What have you got? This is from a man called Matthew Jones with one T. Is that the normal way of spelling Matthew?

Matthew. Well, I've seen more and more one T Matthews around now. Not double T. Anyway, you recently discussed how we no longer ask neighbours for cups of sugar. That may be true, but neighbouring favours still exist. On Christmas Day, my wife was in charge of preparing the old school starter of prawn cocktail and realised that we didn't have any lettuce.

Happy to have it with just cucumber and tomato with the starter. We forgot about it. Ten minutes later, my slightly tipsy mother-in-law walked through the front door with half an iceberg lettuce, kindly donated by my neighbour. That's the sort of story you will tell for years.

Christmas Day, though, that's quite a thing to go and knock on someone's door on Christmas Day. I like the fact that it's a slightly tipsy mother-in-law. It's like the whole thing's being written by a sitcom writer. Yeah, Hyacinth Bouquet. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what it makes me think of. It's half a lettuce as well. It's a feeling like they were, pushed into it in the end.

There's a compromise situation. Well, would you take half? Oh, no, Ronnie! That's what I imagine she was like. I mean, she might not have been that drunk. I'd have assumed... She's slightly tipsy. I'd assume they were making a home horror movie

because I don't know if you're aware of this but if you ever get one of those horror sound effects soundtrack albums and look at their small print a lot of things like sawing off leg of live person and stuff like that, they're always done with lettuce

and cabbage all the stabbings are into a cabbage or a lettuce. So all I need is a lettuce and my neighbour's wind chime and I've basically got the most horrific ten minutes of my life. Exactly. And then you can do a podcast with you telling a ghost story. Brilliant. You can have that.

Has your neighbour ever come round and asked you for anything? Yes. Your Wi-Fi call. Yes,? Yes. Your Wi-Fi card. Yes, he asked for my Wi-Fi card. That's sort of what started all this. My neighbour comes round to borrow our printer. She hasn't got a printer and she just pops round for the printer. Cheeky, isn't it?

That's quite cheeky. We went for a meal with her the other day. That's like old-fashioned when people used to share televisions. Yeah, we went for a meal with her the other day. Did she like old-fashioned when people used to share televisions. Yeah, we went for a meal with her the other day. Did she come round for the coronation as well? To print out. She actually said to me and my wife, I like it when I come to yours,

but I really think you should change your brand of tea bags to the brand I use. Wow. So why don't you photocopy some on a photocopier? Wow. I agree. The word world of neighbours doing each other favours Copy some on a photocopier. Wow. I agree. The word well-deferred neighbours doing each other favours is not over.

It's still happening, isn't it? You lend out your Wi-Fi to all and sundry. Yeah, but I did that. When I did that, I thought, well, yeah, you know, fair enough. And then I came on this show, Holly, and talked about it, and they frightened me to death. They said he would hack my phone. Yeah, he can. He can hack everything.

Oh, now you're doing it. Yeah. He's probably on your Wi-Fi right now, streaming. He's probably streaming. Yeah, he is. Well, you know, he had got a heavy... Oh, well, not even worth doing. Not even worth doing.

Also, I can... If I was going to have a prawn cocktail, I don't know if I'd miss the lettuce, would you? It's not one of the... I do love a prawn cocktail. I love a prawn cocktail. But it's just for cradling, isn't it, the lettuce? Yeah, because actually the iceberg creates a sort of bowl in itself.

That's all. Yeah, exactly. You don't need it. You can eat it out of... I've eaten prawn cocktail out of a baseball mitt. It's perfectly, perfectly fine. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've actually received an email about neighbours.

Hi, Frank and team. Our old neighbours knocked on the door one Christmas asking for gravy granules Of course we obliged, but thought it rather strange Since then, every time we sing happy birthday to a family member we shout out right at the end, gravy, gravy, granules as loud as possible in the echoing conservatory to show our middle class disgruntledness subtly to our neighbours We've since moved.

We've since moved but still retain this tradition. Kind regards, Sophie. I'm not sure I follow that. Why are they shouting happy birthday instead of at Christmas? Maybe that's the only time they gather together now as a family. Are they showing off that they don't use gravy granules? Are they being snob they don't use gravy granules? Are they being snobby to their neighbours? No, they're showing

off that they don't need to show off about gravy granules. They've got an echoey conservatory. And they had the gravy granules. They had them to lend, so I don't think they're gravy snobs. But what does our middle class disgruntledness mean? That they didn't say face to face Why do you want gravy granules off me?

That kind of thing. That's the sort of... Isn't that what they're trying to convey? Yeah, I'd be happy. I'd always share GGs on a Christmas day. Me too. GGs. That's a very bonding thing coming round for that. It is bonding.

I think that's... The gravy. Yeah. Ah, pisto. Nice. Do you think the people that borrowed it were thinking it's all gravy this isn't it it's all gravy I'm not familiar with the phrase it's all gravy

that's what people say what does it mean when something's nice when things are sweet it's all gravy I've never heard that before and you that's just been sent a whole box of meat and you've never heard the phrase it's all gravy. It's all gravy. I've never heard that before. Really? I say it quite often. And you, that's just been sent a whole box of meat, and you've never heard the phrase, it's all gravy.

No. Of anyone. Of anyone in the whole room. I think I showed them my box of meat and said, how do you like them apples? Confused everyone. Yeah. Fruity.

So, I'll tell you what this is. We were talking about who should get what this is, we had a, we were talking about who should get the top gear, John. Yes. And what about this for a bit of a, what I'm going to call

a left field suggestion. There was a woman in, where was it, Stockport? It was in Stockport, Which is greater Manchester for the geography uninitiated.

And last week, she lost her car. She parked her car. Yeah. And then couldn't remember where she'd parked it. And she pulled out what they used to call an all-persons bulletin. Yeah. An APB.

Nice. Yeah. But you can do that on the social networks, can't you? Oh, absolutely. She'd driven all the way to Southampton for a job interview, from Southampton to Stockport, which is a chunk of a journey. Yeah. And she'd been running a bit late and panicked and parked

and then came out and couldn't find her car. So was a bit worried and distressed. So she did the APV on the old, on the Twitter. And it worked. And it worked, yeah. Now, wouldn't she be great? Did she think it had been stolen? No, I think she just knew that she couldn't find it.

But on Top Gear, you'd have first be a woman, which I think would be a healthy addition to the team. And then also someone who's so on-car-y that they park their car and don't remember where they put it. I think it would be a really nice balance. That would be good. It's a good shout, Frank. It's a good shout. Thanks very much. What about this one?

Ah! Primal scream. It was more staccato, but I still like... I'm going to come back to this one because I'm slightly fascinated by her dilemma. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. How long was it missing, the car? I don't know, I think like a few hours or something.

Maybe a bit more let's have a look she said three hours it was three hours she said in the interview and i like this in future i will take it more in future i will take a picture of where i am parked and write the name of the street down good thinking that is good thinking i do that sometimes and in fact some big like you know the big multi-story parks, I'll sometimes take a photograph of the level. Yeah, I do that. Also in hotels, I take a photo of the hotel number of the room because I won't remember.

I've done that. It's a good system. I've never done that. It's a good system. I like the fact that she lost her car, but it was a Seat Ibiza. It's a place name. It's a party car. It's funny, isn't it? Do you think there was someone in Ibiza driving a Ford Stockport

At the same time No I don't I want to know If she left anything on the passenger seat Why can you get into a seat And then sit in the driver's seat There's something wrong there You need a bit of regularity of pronunciation

Don't you Like Sean Bean Another example of that There's something wrong there. You need a bit of regularity of pronunciation, don't you? Yeah. Like Sean Bean. Yeah, exactly. Another example of that. And your bête noire, the crene egg. Cadbury's crene egg. The crene egg.

Scandalous. You know, it could never happen to me, I think, the lost car thing. Because parking for me is such an ordeal and such an achievement. I find it so hard really yeah that it'd be like jessica ennis forgetting where she won gold i'm so when i've parked i'm usually doing like a 94 point turn to get into the thing but when i'm i'm so i mean i'm so aware of my environment. Have you ever taken a photo of some brilliant parking? Because I parked my car so well the other day that I photographed it. Just to look back and reminisce about a great piece of parking.

That's lovely. I parallel parked in a fairly small gap on my street with my mum and wife in the car and nailed it the first time. It was such a... on my street with my mum and wife in the car and nailed it the first time. It was such a... I honestly think my mum might have been thinking this is the greatest achievement of his life. It was so good. Oh, God, I never do that. Incredible.

So good. That's the equivalent of James Corden flying out his parents to watch his first night on The Late Late Show. I don't want to change the subject to make it all about me, but we've just had an email, and I cannot ignore, even though it's the last link of the day. Had a dream last night that the cockerel took his shirt off in Tesco and was

asking shocking bystanders to admire his abs. All very odd. That is the sort of stuff. That's a weird coincidence, because he actually did that before the show. He said he's got a lot stronger. That's the sort of email we should have in the first hour.

Say you've done jujitsu four times this week. Yeah. That's how you say it. And his strength, he said, since I last saw you, my strength has improved. He did, yeah. I have got a lot stronger. Would I ever say that to anyone?

Well, first it would be a lie. I haven't said that I've got strong. I've said that I've got stronger. I've moved on from where I was. Yeah, but you were saying that, and I was saying to Holly, have you noticed anything different about my dewlap? You said, update me on your wattle.

Yeah, exactly. Maybe I should send a wattle update to a friend. Like a Christmas round robin. Yeah. This year, wattle has made it to the... Christmas would be perfect. It'd be a picture of me next to a turkey. That's so ideal.

Holly, thank you very much for joining us today. It's always a joy to be in your company. It was great being with you as well, Cockrell. But, you know... Thank you. Let's face it, familiarity breeds contempt. I've noticed. But thank you all for listening,

and we'll be back again this time next week if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise. Now, get out! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.