The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - What about me

Episode Date: April 7, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank and team talk celeb hats and Alan Carr's Wedding. They also attempt to discuss science and Frank compares himself to the new Airbus.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via First Latin of the Morning, I think, the Absolute Radio website. Lovely bit of Latin. Not enough on the show, I think, the Absolute Radio website. Lovely bit of Latin. Not enough on the show, I always think. Frank, we've had some missives in from the outside

world already. Chris has been in touch. He has a complex Twitter handle, so I'm not going to go into it. I thought you said you had a complex. I was thinking, well, let's try it in on that. Keep that between him and his therapist. Start telling us. People still call them complexes. I was thinking, well, that's straight in on that. Keep that between him and his therapist. Yeah.

Start telling us. Well, you know. Do people still call them complexes or that? No, that's a bit whatever happened to complex. Yeah. Don't you think? I'm trying to think of a complex. The Oedipus complex, I suppose. Yeah.

Obvious wants. Inferiority. Oh, yeah. That's the bigger. You've gone for the big one. I didn't mean to make prolonged eye contact with you as I said that. No, I think that was a great piece of male competitiveness.

Most popular complex rivalry. But yeah, suddenly the Oedipus complex sounded like it was just dead in the dirt. I mean, inferiority, come on. Brilliant. Also quite a 70s thing to have, inferiority complex. Like a glass of milk. Yeah, you don't have that anymore.

No, I've got both. You have low self-esteem. I mean, you don't. No. God, I would say I have the opposite problem. I drink milk still. Just have a glass of milk? Yeah.

Do you have an inferiority complex as well? Sometimes, when it suits me. When the timing's right. Why do you drink the milk then? Is that with your martial arts friends? No, I don't drink the milk

with my martial arts friends. I drink milk in my own home. They like milk. How many raw eggs is in it? About eight per glass,

usually. I talk. Is he ever going to a second box? Yeah. That is the awkward thing about it. Oh,

I don't like, they don't leave the eggshells in the? Yeah. That is the awkward thing about him. Oh, I don't like... They don't leave the eggshells in the original box, do they? I just eat those. I know, but... But you drink raw milk. What did you say, you? I do drink raw milk, yeah. No, Alan is so hard, he doesn't even...

He's not frightened of brucellosis. You almost mentioned this. I've got to write it down. Brucellosis. He eats it straight from the teat brucellosis you can say teat look here

look page 7 teat ok oh that's fine good um ok

yeah no honestly you can don't be don't be worried our careers are intact um yeah so

so I always was told if you drank it like that, it'd kill you. Yeah. Didn't Louis Pasteur build an entire reputation on stopping that from happening? Are you suggesting this is some kind of fake news by Louis Pasteur? Yeah. Fake news.

Yeah, exactly. He invented this whole idea. I mean, I'm sure we'll get some people in texting saying, brucellosis is real, and we'll get some people saying, hey, raw milk is good. Do you know what I did want to ask while we're on that topic? My child asked me a question last night, and it's a bit difficult when they ask you a question

and you don't know the answer. Oh, yeah. So I don't actually want to say I don't know at this stage. Right. I don't want to lose him this early. He needs to think you're almighty all-powerful. He does for another four or five years. Come on, give me a break. You know,

he's five. Anyway, he said to me, we're talking about honey, because we've been to see some hives. And he said, so all honey, is it all from bees, or can you just make honey without bees? And I thought... I changed it.

I tell you what I did, I just changed the subject. Did you? I was really... I said, oh, look at that over there. Oh, you swerved it. Because surely there is synthetic honey, is there? No. Really?

I'm pretty sure it's bees. Well, that seems, in the 21st century, when we put a man on the moon in the last century, what's the thing we've done now? What's the big thing now, our achievement? What, in this century? Yeah. Didn't we just shoot a car into space

what about Felix Baumgartner a car has gone into space didn't Elon Musk put a car in a rocket or something

oh yes he did yeah the Tesla I think he put some rocket in his car oh that's it he's just come out of M&S

who was the man who went into space a man on his own Felix Thingygarten Onger no Baumgarten I believe other man who went into space. A man on his own. Felix Thingygarten. Onger. No, Baumgarten, I believe his name was. All right, yeah, yeah.

Other man who jumped and got... Yeah, yeah, that's our achievement. Is that the big achievement? Falling. Falling has become the big... Anyway, I was going to say... The big achievement really is the spinny dryers in the gym. You know the spinny dryers?

That's the main achievement of the modern world. Buzz sits on that to keep the lid down. I hope that's not going to lead to a complex. Which reminds me, didn't we have a text at the beginning of this?

Yeah, we did. We'll do him in the next bit. Really? We're going to carry him over? Yeah, because the fez is here. I think selfie's the achievement. That's depressing, isn't it? Anyway,

if you can achieve the selfie stick, say, you'd think we'd be able to make honey without the help of insects. Have we not risen above the insects? They're working on artificial meat. They haven't got honey yet. Oh, bees are! No! Scientists! Are they opening a farm shop?

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Chris has got in touch to say... Chris, not that complex a name. No. Chris. He said whatever... No, but his Twitter handle was complex.

Oh, OK. Whatever happened to... Mm-hm? ...Copydex? Can I say I'm not totally sure what it is? No. Is that the... It's glue.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Do you know that one that had a big brush? Yeah. Oh! Do you remember that one? What was it called, Copydex? Well, the brush was in the lid. Do you not remember?

Yes, I remember that. Oh, now you know. The brush is in the lid. The brush is in the lid. That could be a popular children's song. I do. The brush is in the lid. Although the problem is sometimes the brush is in the lid with toilet brushes. You don't want

to keep singing about that. In fact, the brush is always in the lid. Toilet brush is a disgusting concept. Late review. Frank Skinner 2018. What if that's the quote you're most amended for? Have we invented the selfie stick and we can't... Yeah.

I suppose it is a selfie stick in a way. It's what you use to clean away your selfie. Yuck. Sorry, let's change the subject. People are being sick at home. I mean, before the show started, most of our audience... We had an email that I found on my Friday night trawl, which is the emails that come in on Friday evenings.

This came in around 10 o'clock last night. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. A couple of big mers to start with. Dick Van Dyke is older than Lionel Jeffries, even though they played father and son in Chitty Chitty Bang. I wouldn't say that was a big... I don't think that's a big mo. A big mo is something that you tell someone,

just in case you don't know the show before, and it's something you tell them as if it's a big secret thing, but everybody knows it. I don't think everybody knows that. I mean, Dick Van Dyke admitting, but she has admitted to not being able to remember filming most of Mary Poppins. Has he?

Because he was inebriated. Really? Yes. Oh, do you not know that one? No. I'm sorry. It really is a jolly holiday with Mary. Again, the second one,

I'm not sure you'll go with this either, but I do think they pull it out of the bag at the end. Second, Jack White and Meg White are not brother and sister, but I do think they pull it out of the bag at the end. Second, Jack White and Meg White are not brother and sister, but were married. I'm not sure they were married. I don't know if they were married. I thought they were brother and sister. I think the fact they're not brother and sister

is quite a good big mark, because I think, although Emily thought they were. I thought they were. I think there's too much confusion around those two. There was very much confusion around those two. They claim to be brother and sister, I think, early on. Now, here's where I think... We've all done it. Here's where I think this text or emailer is onto something.

I know also that Frank doesn't believe in fainting. Well, I don't believe that no two snowflakes are the same. All the snow that has ever fallen on the earth for millions of years are never two the same. Give me a break. A winter break ideally. Great use of give me a break.

I loved give me a break. Come on though, it's a good one. Do the team agree or disagree? 100% agree. We've picked our way through a few ums and ahs on that but at the end absolute triumph no it's one of those ones

it's like Pele scoring a thousand goals in his career I was just sitting with David Baddiel one day and I said

hold on Pele got a thousand goals try and work out how many goals that would be yeah if you were a professional footballer for 20 years,

you'd have to score 50 goals a year throughout. We found out it included when he was in a youth team, school goals. Oh, those ones don't count. Yeah, goals he'd done in opening school fights by kicking a ball through tissue paper. All there. But yeah, of course there are more than one snowflake identical.

We've fallen for that. That's a great... Who sent that in? Steve. Steve. Respect. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Got a bit of info in for you.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know how many Saturday morning radio shows on commercial radio are getting emails titled Bruce-a-losis. Well... But we are. What if they're run by a man called Bruce-a-losis? What if? It's probably on Radio Orwell.

I bet there's a Bruce-e. I hope so. Bruce-e. Losis. And he's been waiting for eight years for someone to get the pun and no one's got it. And he'll pick up his phone like J.R. Hartley and blow the dust off. Now, I'm going to sound a bit underconfident on the French here. My inferiority complex is going to come out.

Hi, Frank et al. That's all right. I'm a professor of microbiology working for Oxford United in Vietnam. Oh, smoking. Oldie, oldie, oldie. Too many separate concepts. I think that must be Oxford University

and he's had an autocorrect nightmare here. Hang on. He's working at Oxford University in Vietnam, did he say? Yeah. I thought he said Oxford United. It says Oxford United. He means universities.

It must be universities. Well, I hate to break it to you, but I don't think that's the actual one. There's a series of heterogeneous ideas roughly yoked together by violence. Oh. Absolute radio. What's that from?

More music matters. Samuel Johnson's description of metaphysical poetry. Anyway, carry on. There's a lot of metaphysical poetry. Anyway, carry on. There was a lot of different concepts there. I'm a professor of microbiology working for Oxford Something in Vietnam, and brucellosis is a disease caught from the milk and secretions of infected animals. It is prevented by pasteurisation, but the disease is not present currently in the UK. Oh.

That's a relief. So we're paying for pasteurisation. Yeah. And there's no need for it. Well. Are you suggesting we're getting ripped off? Yeah. I am.

I think this is rip-off Britain. This week, Angela Rippon, who shouldn't be on with a name like Rippon, let's face it, on rip-off. But anyway. Good point. Maybe that's why she got it, on Rip Off. Yeah, good point. Maybe that's why she got it, though.

That's how Arsene Wenger got the Arsenal job. I always thought that name was a bit similar. Yeah. So Angela Rip... Rip Off Britain. Let's find Angela Ripon. Is Rip Torn still alive? Rip Torn? Yes, he's in episodes.

No, he's not. No, what's he in? He's in something. He was in the Larry Sanders show. Yeah, he was in that. Oh, anyway, carry on. So Fern Britain, they's in episodes. Okay, so Fern's in episodes. No, what's he in? He's in something. He was in the Larry Sanders show. Yeah, he was in that. Oh, anyway, carry on. So Fern Britain, they should have called. Angela Rippon. They just had those two,

then it would have been Rippon Britain. That's good. As opposed to Rip Off Britain. We're ripping the stuff back on, on your behalf. Oh, why don't people have the extra meeting? One extra meeting. One extra meeting. That would have been one of the best bits of television, pond-based

casting of all time. Me nah get it. Up there with Ed Edmondson's Aid in Britain. Oh, well. Someone's once suggested that if you could get a sort of jazz vocalist

stroke saxophonist who went around examining how big cats were treated in entertainment and it would be called Curtis Tigers Circus Tigers. Oh, wonderful. You know I love our readers. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

We've had an update from Stephen, our university professor. He says, hi Frank et al, me again. University indeed, bad combo of sausage fingers and autocorrect. Oh, okay. Quite a morning. Extra value. Brucellosis, named after the microbiologist that discovered it, Mr Bruce.

Oh, he wasn't called Bruce-E-Losis. No. That's a bit too, Mr Bruce. Oh, he wasn't called Bruce E. Losis. No. Tim was dressed. Oh, OK. That's a really slipshod bit of naming, though, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, yeah, Bruce. Well, he's called Bruce.

He's called Bruce and Losis. What about the Bruce complex? Oh, no. No, just call it Bruce and Losis. It's going out, the complex thing. It's not very... What about me? I had... What about me?

I love what about me. What a great conversational opener, Frank. It's not just the title of today's podcast. It's all podcasts. I'm going to walk into a party, Al. I've got one coming up next week. The first thing I'm going to say is, what about me?

Come on! Well, you take... I mean, even do that passage of conversation there, there is a neon sign in my head that says, what about me? Just flash it on and off whenever other people are speaking. It's like one of those, you know those Tracey Emin... Yes, the neon thing. It's in my handwriting. What about me?

It's even in my handwriting. Hey, if Trace listens to the show maybe she'll make one of those for you now yeah but I haven't got eight million quid oh yeah

that's not a whip round hold on have a whip round absolutely no so I I was I was in text contact

with the producer of the programme oh here we go Daisy oh dear and I was asking her about something I wanted a jingle doing sorry she's got the producer of the programme oh here we go Daisy oh dear and I was asking her about something

I wanted a jingle sorry she's got her hand on her head and I said do you think you could do a jingle blah blah blah for me like this

and like that and she said just give me five so I sent back a picture of my hand raised in a high five what a photograph yeah a photograph yeah oh so sweet you went to so much effort yeah it was a joke so as as if I was giving her a cyber a cyber high five you know yeah and um she the text she sent back was

it was a pause for a bit. It didn't come back straight away. So I thought maybe she didn't get it. And then she sent back, beautiful hands was the text. And I thought, well, hey, there was only one hand. The other hand, if it was really withered, would really upset me. The other hand was permanently clawed. But then I thought, I don't think she's got the high-five thing.

No. Did you get the high-five thing? I did. You did get it. But at the same time, she wanted to move the subject towards the beauty of the hand. Beautiful hand. And then she sent me another text, the next text,

that said, it should be in your inbox. I thought, if I'd sent that... Oh. It's all right when they say it. I don't know what she meant. What does she mean by that? I think she meant she'd sent me an email. Oh, I see.

Oh, right. I don't think she meant my hand should be in my inbox. No. No, I mean, I hope she didn't mean that. I mean, why did they invent gloves if that worked? Anyway, that mean that. I mean, why did they invent gloves if that worked? Anyway, that was that. It's been... Frank, I like the idea of recreating the emojis, though.

I think that's a good idea. Because you were essentially doing that. Is there a high-five emoji? Yeah, Daisy often sends me the punch. Oh, the fist bump. Yeah, the fist bump. Yeah, I do that one a lot. Yeah, she does.

She utilises that a lot. I don't really travel to planet emoji very often. In fact, I say very often. I've never used an emoji in communication in my entire life. We can fix that. We can fix that. Really? Yeah.

Crying laughing? I don't like Robin Williams. Imagine Frank sending crying laughing emoji. This is the one when all the animals run into his room. Is that Jumanji? Oh, yeah. I got very confused. I do like Robin Williams in case people send in and say I'm being deadest.

Oh, you've got to be so careful. You do. You can offend everybody. In fact, I'm just going to have a quick look through the manual before we speak again. We've got a honey update. Honey update? That sounds like if that came up on my phone, I'd be very anxious about it.

You'd be in a lot of trouble if that came up on your phone. You'd be a glance over your shoulder before opening that text, wouldn't you? I'll say. 824 is texted. I can't get it off my shoulder. The Chinese make a lot of fake honey. It's a big problem in the honey market! Hashtag be aware.

Double E. Ah. Be aware. So, the Chinese make fake honey. I think, I hate to bring this up, Al, but you were 100% convinced that there is no fake honey. Yeah, I was. Turns out you were wrong.

According to 824. We've won the 824's word for it. The Chinese, if you can invent gunpowder and paper, you can invent fake honey. Yeah. Is that your motto? Yeah. The last part, there was a comma before the honey, by the way.

Right. You can invent fake honey. Thank you. Told you not to call me that on the radio. I would say your relationship has gone a bit strange energy. I have to say, I'd quite like to try some Chinese fake honey now. So would I. Fake honey.

He's always hinting at getting something on the radio. Anyone in a basement making it, send it in. Yeah, well, it's only 135 and now this. It's made in China, presumably. You could maybe get it in Chinatown, which is not far from this studio. That's a good point. 576 has also added,

Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. I know the snowflake thing sounds very unlikely, but the idea that no shuffle of a pack of cards has ever been repeated sounds impossible to me too. But you know, infinite universe and all that. Yeah, but what do you think? So we have to accept that every shuffle of a pack of cards is different. But we also have to accept that if you put whatever it is,

59 monkeys in a room with typewriters, they'd eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare. Yeah. That suggests, one suggests that things never repeat, one thinks that eventually they must. Yeah. I mean, come on, guys! Yeah, I don't believe the monkeys thing.

Do you not? No, no, come on. I mean, imagine that would be the thing. And also, you're quite sympathetic to that lot. To the simian world. Well, you are. I think you have a bond with them, don't you? Because you've had a few experiences.

Look, I like monkeys and I like Shakespeare and I very much like manual typewriters. I have six. But not all at once. You've got six manual typewriters? I have, yeah. Not six monkeys. Oh, you meant monkeys, then?

No, monkeys, I find, when they get to a certain age, they become menacing. I had to kill three, and I thought, that's it. Just shut their heads in the door. Oh, fine. Oh, no.

It's awful, honestly. It is awful. We're getting complaints about you killing imaginary monkeys. No, it's not true. It's not true. I'm not saying the complainers are right. I mean, they're obviously imaginary monkeys. It's not true. I'm not saying the complainers are right. I mean, they're obviously imaginary monkeys.

It's not true. I love monkeys. And if I saw anybody kill a monkey, I'd be mortified and upset, unless it was heading towards me with that vicious... I think that's what Michael Jackson did to Bubbles. I think they had to... Oh, really?

No, they locked it in a room because it went... Was that right? They suddenly get long-haired. Well, they get long-haired and then they hit the Ribena, as we know. Oh, yeah. Or they become very... Not diluted. They become furious and I think...

Yeah. I like the idea of fury being just a permanent state. And I think it gets like that. Yeah. And Michael Jackson, the monkey was confused because he was chasing Michael Jackson, but it appeared to him

that Michael Jackson was walking towards him. In continent? It was, no, in America. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It was a sad turn of events for me this week because April happened. Right.

Yeah. And I've got an official Doctor Who calendar on my wall. Good for you. Did you get that gratis for being an Illuminae? No. I got it from my partner as a gift for Christmas. Even better. Yeah.

And the great joy of it is March had me on it. Oh. Oh, shut up. Yeah, me and the mommy and Peter Capaldi. So for the whole of March, I've been on the official Doctor Who calendar page, and I've been loving it, loving it, loving it. Who's April?

Now, well, it's still Peter. It's basically working its way through the Peter Capaldi season. Oh, I see. Don't get me wrong, I love Peter Capaldi, I love Doctor Who in general, but it's not me. Yeah. And what about me? Yeah.

Was that the catchphrase? Yeah. It was, yeah. The light just dimmed for a second. And the weird thing is, it's the easiest thing in the world now to get a calendar with yourself on. You know what I mean?

It's everybody, does it? I think I was talking about last week about how you can go into Prontoprint and get yourself on. You're obsessed with Prontoprint. It's two weeks in a row. They closed down ten years ago. No, I think they're still going.

All Clintons, Mark II. Yeah, you did this before. And so now it's... I remember I told Frank about BHS on air. He was devastated. Yeah. I was. He didn't know it.

I was blown away by that. Absolutely devastated. So, yeah, so anybody can be on a calendar now. The barrier has completely been broken down. It used to be... You're suggesting... Well, it used to have to be a celebrity, is what I'm saying.

I'll be straight... That's straight. Suggesting the calendar currency has been somewhat devalued. Yeah. Well, I think generally, people used to get so excited about, again, something I mentioned the other week, those newspapers, and you could have your name put in a headline. Now you can be on a coaster. Yeah.

And I just think, be careful. Leave this to the celebrities. and now you can be on a coaster. Yeah. And I just think, be careful. Do you? Leave this to the celebrities. You break down these things completely. What are you saying? With great power comes great responsibility. Yes, I am. Being on a calendar.

It's not just about being on a calendar. No, you're not Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're on a calendar. Being worthy of being on the wall. I think once you're on a coaster, you're a role model. That's the way I see it. In a train driver's cap. One of it.

Yes, I was in a train driver's cap. I was also in a train driver's bib and brace. Didn't you have a lovely waistcoat for that role? I think you did, and a rolled-up shirt sleeve. And a little choker around the... Yes, well, it's all in the detail, dear. I'm in the choker. Yeah.

It didn't quite make sense, because I was in the 28th century working on a train in space, but I suppose I was part of the authentic... He had a sort of 20s flapper choker. Yeah. Oh. Yes, I a sort of 20s flapper joker. Yeah. Oh. Yes, I did have a 20s flapper. But, um,

it's one of the few pieces of plastic surgery I've had. Get that sorted. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, by the way, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, by the way, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215.

Go on. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We had a brucellosis update, didn't we? Yeah. website we had we had a brucellosis update didn't we um yeah well actually it's uh uh i suppose it's a farming update in many ways hi frank all of our girls brackets cows are tested regularly to make sure all of our milk is safe raw milk is easier to digest helps reduce allergies and eczema. Think of your microbiota. Is that who Robert De Niro played in Raging Bull?

Also, be careful saying all of our girls are tested regularly. It also adds a hashtag straight from the cow, which I don't know is a hashtag or not. Okay. That's what you were saying about me only this morning. See, my son has got a dairy allergy thing

I wonder if he had raw milk it would go away I think I suggested that to you Did you? Yeah but you suggested that the brucellosis would beat up the You didn't I was trying to do a grapple Oh right I see On this subject though I was trying to do a grapple. Oh, right, I see.

On this subject, though, Baz, my child, has been at a science camp this week and he's been bringing home various experiments. One incredible thing, a piece of string that hangs off a cop and if you rub a wet sponge up and down, it makes the same sound as a toucan. That's good. I mean, you can't go and get those in the shop. No.

I don't remember us doing experiments like that. And apparently they brought in a toucan to demonstrate. They had a toucan in the class. A real toucan. A real toucan. And then the toucan was going crazy when everyone was doing this noise with their plastic cups and bits of string and sponge.

I like the trouble they went to of bringing a toucan in rather than going, here's a YouTube clip of a toucan. Well, it's all changed now. It's a bit the toucan and the egg, though, this. I wonder if they had a toucan and thought, how can we use this baby?

How can we incorporate this? We've got a spare toucan that we could put. It's like a stand-up finding a prop on the stage. And then somebody was cleaning the speaking string on their action mat and it went and they thought, and they're off.

But he bought home yesterday a plastic cup and it had in it a bit of tissue paper in the bottom, some sand, a bit of aquarium gravel, and some charcoal. And the idea is you could put dirty water in it. He suggested a particular dirty water, which I drew the line at.

Right. You can put dirty water in it, and it floats through the thing, comes through a hole in the bottom, and then you can drink it. Wow. Or just don't put dirty water in and it floats through the thing, comes through a hole in the bottom and then you can drink it. Wow. Or just don't put the things in. We took it round a friend's house

and he, very sportingly, drank about half a glass. Did he? Yeah, after we'd done it. How's he doing today? I haven't heard from him today. Okay. But he did say... Why don't you give him a text?

He said it tastes quite a lot like soil oh so I don't know but it was fascinating I wonder if if I might run

the raw milk through that just to see well Brian in Liverpool has got in touch talking with him by being

he says glass of milk in Wimpy other burger restaurants are available so you can still get a glass of milk in Wimpy can you still get Wimpy well this is restaurants are available, so you can still get a glass of milk in Wimpy.

In Wimpy? But can you still get Wimpy? Well, this is what I'm not sure about. Can you get a glass of milk in Julie's Pantry? I've tried it, but she told me to stop. So, oh, the Fez has arrived. I've only been talking for ten seconds. It feels like that, doesn't it? Yeah.

Sometimes it goes fast when you're having fun, apparently. I think when it's particularly brilliant, it seems to go past so quickly. I think it's because you're such a science guy now. You love talking about science. You're a bit pro-Brian Cox. I've always been anti-science, but honestly, the science camp,

some of the stuff that's come home this week, it's blown my mind. It's been really interesting. He told me this. We have to move on. Yeah, I'll come back and tell you. The one thing that's made me doubt the science camp is something he told me last night.

What did they say? No two snowflakes are the same? No, no, I think we agree with that. That's been the revelation of the morning The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio back Saturday morning from 8 tune in live for the full Frank experience

Absolute Radio So Buzz said to me and this is something we all think this is moving into Big Mo territory he said to me why don't birds get electrocuted when they sit on telephone wires? Oh, yeah. Okay.

And as you may know, it's because they're not earthed. The telephone wires? The birds aren't earthed. So they're not connected to the... I think that's right anyway. I'm no scientist. I don't know if that is Big Mo. It's complex. the... I think that's right anyway. I'm no scientist. I don't know if that is big mo. It's complex.

Yeah, I think that's the truth of it. Okay. Anyway, he said to me, it's because they squeeze the wire so tight the electricity can't get through. And I thought, I'm paying for a kid to go to a four-day science camp. And that is what's coming home.

Coming back with some stuff that you'd hear at a bar in a Wetherspoons. Well, yes. The sort of talk you'd hear at a beach wedding. So he's overestimating. I mean,

what is it, birds of prey? Well, even so. I mean, they wouldn't be able to squeeze it that time. doesn't make any sense because they're still coming unless they're breaking the circuit I suppose

by that bit of wire in between I just assumed that they were protected by some kind of plastic the cables I think it was birds

no not the birds no it's still because don't you remember those public information films yeah if you're flying a kite if you're flying a kite

or frisbee back in the day yeah if you're flying a kite I think thatisbee, back in the day. Yeah, if you're flying a kite, I think that the... I couldn't think of it, though. The wires are... I know, but you're alright. Yeah. I love it when we try and come up with

scientific tips for laymen. I'm really not a scientist, you know what I mean? Really? I follow the Nazarene. You do. But, yeah, I don't think that's right. I don't think they just squeeze the wires that hard. I just don't think it's right. No, I think you're probably right.

I think you're not right. I have the idea of the whole sitting there squeezing, really. Yeah, they probably don't have a relaxed chat if they're just constantly squeezing. Oh, no, it's tough to sit like that. It's like when you've got, you know, when you've got flip-flops on, you have to claw. You have to constantly claw to keep them on.

You can't relax. Especially when you go on flip-flops on, you have to claw. You have to constantly claw to keep them on. You can't relax. Especially when you go on some sort of fairground ride. I realise now, if I walked flip-flops for, say, a year and a half, I could probably get onto a telephone wire without it. Such would be my squeezing capacity of my toes. What about when I lost a flip-flop on Ramesses' Revenge? I've told you this. When I got involved... Isn't that diarrhea

Ramesses Revenge? What a terrible way to lose a flip-flop. It's a ride. I believe it's Alton Towers. And I got mixed up. Boyzone all sort of traipsed on to have their photo call and I went in the last seat

by mistake. So we had the picture taken and everyone was like, who's that woman on the end? And then I lost my flip-flop. So I'm just saying, it will happen. What, did you shut the door too quickly? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. 012 has texted, what makes these people, I like these people already, what makes these people think that monkeys would be familiar with the works of Shakespeare? I would imagine that if they were going to type anything, it would be the complete works of Edgar Rice Burroughs. Excellent. That's from...

He wrote Tarzan, by the way. Yes. Edgar Rice Burroughs. Excellent. That's from... He wrote Tarzan, by the way. Yes. Edgar Rice Burroughs. That's from Rog Oatby. Oatby in Leicester. I'm not sure that the theory is that the monkeys have read Shakespeare. I think it's that they're coincidentally typing it just because they're typing so much for infinity.

I don't think we should see it as a memory test. Or indeed, yeah, a chance for them to document all their passions. Imagine a signal, though, of having the monkeys in a room for, like, 112 years, and there's been a series of scientists, and one day someone comes out and said, they've done it, they've done it, and you check through, and they say, hold on, it's not Hamleck. All the rest of it is spot on. Just that, it's Hamleck for the rest of the play

just that one where he says Hamleck, sorry it's gone but maybe, you know, soon maybe the next one is just Tarzan and what was it called that

what's that Walt Disney film Tarzan. And what was it called? What's that? Oh, what was that? Walt Disney film. It was a sci-fi thing, and it was based on those Man of Mars, Edgar Rice Burroughs book. It's the most expensive flop they've ever had, and I loved it.

Oh. Yes, I can imagine. It's called something like John Smith. Oh, yes. Oh, okay. John Adams? No, that's a... Get lost. All right.

I'm not going to guess anymore. Curiously aggressive response. Someone just sent in it's John somebody. It's weird how it puts you off guessing

if someone says get lost. Someone will get in touch, I have no doubt. I'm sure. Someone braver than me. A braver soul than me. A lost soul.

Who's got nothing to lose. Oh, no, it's getting very complicated. Prefer to be told to get lost. John something. The book is called John something, Man of Mars, I think. And if they'd have stopped with that for the film, more people would have gone. I don't remember you talking about it.

So whatever you text him, make sure that you incorporate all those words. It said Garice Burrows Week on Absolute Radio. 730 said the monkeys would be writing the works of Darwin, surely, in vain, for their future. Don't bring up Darwin in front of me. Yeah, no, I mean, don't. Even on Science Day.

No, but as Daisy identified, what I really like is vague science. It's a whole new genre. There's something really interesting about vague science because there's a bit of room for, you know, for conversation and everything. When it's everything's on the nose

all the time with science. Shut up about it. Frank, it's called John Carter. John Carter! Hurrah. Not that far from Adam's, though, is it? I mean, it's ABC. Oh, get lost.

Yeah, you got lost in the book of British surnames. I just saw the Air Boss on the telly, the new Air Boss. I love that Air Boss. It looks a bit like me, I think. It's got the same head. Oh, darling, don't put yourself down. He's got his What About Me light on constantly. He can't even look at a plane without belating it to himself.

I'll buy that plane. It's got my giant forehead, honestly. It's weird. I don't want people next to my e-th and standing with two flags trying to bring me in. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, Frank, we haven't discussed this morning something that I've been very keen to discuss.

Sorry, before I do that, we'll get on to it. Clive Silas, who's one of our regulars, has'll get on to it. Clive Silas, who's one of our regulars, has been in touch to say John Carter was the film, the book was John Carter of Mars. I thought it was John Carter, Man of Mars, but come on. Get lost. Somebody else has said John Carter, Man of Mars.

Maybe we're right then. Maybe Silas is wrong. Are you going to give him a get lost or not? You're going to make him sound like a Dickens villain. Yeah. Maybe Silas is wrong. Silas? Are you going to give him a get lost or not? Yeah, he's going to sound like a sort of Dickens villain. I know, yeah. Old Silas. Anyway, the thing I wanted to discuss, because I was very excited about this,

was the news that... Can I start a phone-in? Yes. A text-in. Don't phone, don't phone-in. Don't phone, it's just for fun. We don't have a phone-in. Do we have a phone-in?

Email is also an option. Have we got a phone? Does it ring? Well, mine's on airplane mode. Imagine we had have a phone. Email? Do we have a phone? Email is also an option. Have we got a phone? Does it ring? Well, mine's on airplane mode. Imagine we had an actual phone. I don't think people would ring me. We were just... Who were you talking about?

You said... Daisy, the producer, said... This isn't a very professional phone. If Alan Cochran wore a... Port Pie hat. A Port Pie hat. I'm considering one. Yeah.

That's not the text. It would look like... Should he, shouldn't it? Who was it? One of Curiosity Guild the Cat. Was it Ben? Ben Volperio Piero. Wow.

Yeah. Bless you. Yeah, he would look like him. And it just made me... My immediate thought was Joe Boxers. Yeah? Do you remember them? Yes!

Didn't he wear a leather hat? That Boxer B? Yeah. Oh, did he wear a leather hat? That's getting into another area, I think, perhaps. Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, is it?

Oh. Anyway, I was just thinking, this is sort of an old-fashioned sort of capital radio type of testing. You know, sort of borderline doll. What about people who, pop stars particularly associated with a certain headgear? Oh, yeah.

I think there's one obvious one, but then you're going to come back with inferiority complex. What's that? Wouldn't it be JK? Oh, yeah. With that big, I don't even know what you'd call that hat. What's that? Wouldn't it be JK? Oh, yeah. With that big, I don't even know

what you'd call that hat. What was that hat? The horn. Get someone on to that. What is it? It's like a mouldy, desperate Dan Coe party. It was a bit like

a sort of car seat cover in the 70s. But it stank after parties. I tell you what, that'd be a great channel five documentary. Where is that hat now? Where is the hat?

Somebody, has he kept it or is it in some sort of music museum? Pop museum. Yeah. Or have they got it at the Why did he get it?

They use it as a sign at the raw milk. If you call the documentary Where Did You Get That Hat? Where Did You Get That Hat, JK? Hello, I'm Jamiroquai and this week on Where Did You Get That Hat?

Wouldn't it be a great cover for your raw milk? Yeah. To have that on, as a sort of a raw milk cosy. I'm going to reach out and say I think a fridge is possibly better. Oh, well, I might as well if you're keeping it warm, if you've warmed it up for the kids. Lisa Stansfield always liked one of those hats. Yeah.

Now, she used to wear that hat with the curl on the... Yes. You could buy them for a bit. You could buy Lisa Stansfield hats with the curl on. Those Ross Abbott hats. Yeah, curl on the front. Yeah. I've always dreamt that if ever I met Lisa Stansfield,

not only would she still have the curl, but she'd have her car keys hanging on it. That was always my dream. I'm sure that could be arranged. I think she's back, Lisa Stansfield. Very much back. Boy George loves the hat. Oh, that's true.

Loves her hat. Yeah. He did the best thing of all, if you get a bit of a saggy neck, which we all do in later life. He took it very far. Just paint it black. He actually painted it jet black.

I think it was a great idea. I think it was bitumen, was it? We weatherproofed his neck. Very good idea. Fantastic. That's such a straightforward... Oh, my neck's looking a bit flabby. Montague, can you go and get me an

eight-inch brush and some bitumen? Do you know Montague? He's faithful man servant. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. You asked our readers to text in

if they knew of any celebrities slash pop stars who wore hats. Yeah, I'm thinking pop stars. OK. I mean, you actually said in what could be a borderline dull texting. Yeah, but, you know, I'm thinking, like, the comedy alchemist. Oh, yeah, yeah. It can turn base metal into gold if we have to. We'll sprinkle the magic. Well, here you yeah. It can turn base metal into gold if we have to. We'll sprinkle the magic.

Well, here you go. Ellie Dolphin has sent in... Oh, I thought that was one example. And I thought, oh, God, I don't know Ellie Dolphin.

I don't know the Dolphin hat. She's very 2018. I heard her cover of Hallelujah. Isn't that her? Yeah. Hard to reach those notes in Dolphin.

She sent in a picture of Pharrell. Oh. Pharrell? Yeah. Yeah. Who's famous for a hat? Has she sarcastically put happy now? Oh, very good, Al.

Is it Franco Pharrell that used to manage Leicester City and Manchester United? I don't know. I'll get some options to check on. I'm going to be straight up with this. I don't know what he wears for... He wears, I would say, it's a sort of buffalo hat, almost. Like JK?

No, it's more... It's a little bit Mountie, maybe. I would say a Canadian Mountie, that type of hat. Right. So where does the buffalo come into that? I believe that's what they're called, that style of hat.

Oh, is it? Because they're a throwback to the 80s original, which you may recall. Richard, you... I'm sorry, 509, the texter has said, good morning, saw JK recently in the baskets only queue at M&S. He wasn't wearing that hat.

No, that's... No, although look down. I thought it was a basket. Turns out... Ha ha! He was in the bison-based headgear queue. Wow. Richard Hughes has...

Nine bisons or less. Very good. Sorry. The Edge, Silly Beanie. Oh, yeah, that's true. The Edge is Beanie. I mean, we've talked about that many times and it still didn't occur to me. Dave Hill. Trilby. Dave Hill of Slade, is that?

That was a late edition, wasn't it? Did he wear a trilby? I don't remember that. He just had a terrible fringe. He had a distinctive fringe and then the distinctive fringe abandoned him in later life, which is, if you're a man,

don't bank your look on a fringe. Well, that often, the loss of the hair often indicates the gear change into the hat guy, doesn't it? It does. Well, I believe that the Bee Gees, they had, Robin Gibb had a hair transplant. Right, okay. The other, what were the other ones called?

Barry and Morris. Morris, I think. Oh, Morris, I think it was Morris. Right. Okay. The other, what were the other ones called? Barry. Barry. And Morris. Morris, I think. Oh, Morris. I think it was Morris. Morris was married to Lulu. Yeah, he wore a trilby.

Oh, that's nice to know, darling. Didn't he wear a trilby? Yes, he did. He did wear a trilby. So you had all the examples. You had the hair transplant and the trilby, and then Barry was like the control. Right.

The experiment. Science, Dave. He had hair all and the trilby, and then Barry was like the control. Right. The experiment. Science, dear. He had hair all over the place. He's science mad, Al. Science mad. Even his jokes have got science in them this week. I know. Confidently throwing around words like control.

What about when I turn up in a lab coat next week? Oh, no. Oh, that would be brilliant. But they don't look like they stay clean very long. They're not very practical, ironically. I think you'd suit a lab coat, though. Yeah, I've never... I don't know if I've ever worn a lab coat in my life.

I can't imagine you'd have had to. Do people wear them in the street? I think the fact they don't stay clean very often is the point, so that you must wash them. Oh, I see. The thing is, they're quite widely available, because the lab coat, obviously, also the lady at the perfume counter often wears,

oh, gentlemen. How do they? They wear the lab coat as well. Oh, gentlemen. Yeah. Glad you said that. So they look a bit scientific. Yes.

So they look a bit, here's the science bit. Oh, but imagine the colours on those. Must be thick with it. Oh. Absolutely thick with foundation. Yeah. Probably have to with it. Oh. Absolutely thick with foundation. Yeah. Probably have to smash it with a toffee hammer or something. Most people in lab coats are working for a foundation.

And that lab coat's working against one. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about this? I live in North London which is quite, where I live is quite nice, I'll be honest with you.

Don't hate me for that, I've worked my way up. Do I have to be embarrassed about it? And just to give you a hint. You started life with an outside toilet. Exactly. You've come far darling. Just to give you a hint of what the place is like, Boz came home from science camp on Wednesday a bit upset

because one of the other boys, not just boys and girls, one of the boys, they are girls as well, one of the boys had called him a nincompoop. Nobody ever called me that at school. I can't tell you what they did call me.

That's progress if you're being called a nincompoop. For goodness sake. It's got the word poop in here which didn't mean anything when I was a kid but now you're allowed to say that. That's like when my dad shouted abuse at someone by calling him an illiterate swine which I thought was rather

marvellous. Again it's gone now. I know. We've had lots of hats. We sure have. We've had lots of hats. We sure have. We've had so many hats. What would you say were the distinctive ones that surprised you? Okay, the Captain Sensible beret from Chris and Norfolk. Remember him? Good shout, Chris and Norfolk.

Happy talk. That's 084. Drama from The Damned? Yes. In fact, I saw The Damned live. No, was he the drummer? No. Rats Gabies was the drummer.

He was a bass or guitar. I remember because Captain Sensible knocked the speaker stack over and it landed on people in the audience. You wouldn't want a drum in a hat. Nowadays you'd be in trouble then, but just carry on. Rats Gabies went to the front of the stage and said, if anyone can spit directly into my mouth I'll give them a free set of drumsticks. They were different times. That is

gross. Oh Mr Raw Milk. Get lost. Yeah exactly. Get lost. 720 has texted re-celebrity hats at the top deck bar of a flight to Jamaica we sat next to

Grace Jones she was wearing caps lock three hats at the same time what love that woman first was a big fur hat

when she took that off she had a wool cap underneath when that came off she had a lycra beanie hat on I assume there was nothing under that

that's from Jez I think she was moving house yeah she must have been sweaty yeah like when you put nine. I think she was moving house. Yeah. She must have been sweaty. Yeah, like when you put nine coats on when you're moving house. Oh, that is great. Do you think she was trying to beat the luggage allowance?

Yeah. I love the idea of Grace Jones in a load of hats. What a gal. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had so much on this morning, what with Captain Sensible's hats and your science...

Well, what about Grace Jones? She's had so much on. Three hats on. And your scientific forays. I haven't even told you about the sundial. Buzz made a sundial at Science Camp, brought that back. It seems to work.

Really? Late review. Well, they must have at some point. The sundial? Yeah. It's never occurred to me. I've never owned one before.

But we used to have one. They're lovely, aren't they? I'm thinking I might get one in the garden. We had one in the garden. They're lovely. The sunshine, Sonny. And the shadow tells you

what time it is. I think you'll find the sun shines on it. Yeah. What I'd like to do is I'd like to capture as many sharks as I could and tattoo the sundial grid around their main fin. Oh, yeah. And then when you saw them coming towards you,

with the sun shining on them, you'd be able to tell whether they were nearing a meal time. Yeah. And you were in doubt. Okay. What do you think? Quite a complicated plan, in some ways. I'm pretty sure this is the point where you've left science week behind.

Vague science week, as I remember. Let's not forget that. Why do you say left it behind, Al? I'm not sure your shark is eating according to a meal time rather than a hunger. Oh, look, come on, they must have a... I like the idea of a... Half five?

No, they must have a regular meal time. You know what I'm like? Do you think they say, sorry, no carbs after nine, so I'll leave those flip-flops. No, but if you take the first ever shark, eight, almost certainly eight, it's a regular. When he ate, when he got hungry again, it's a regular. When he ate, when he got hungry again,

it would be four or five hours later. So then it created a meal time for sharks. I think Al's right. I think they're opportunists, these people. I think they, according to Ponder, I was on safari. In defence of sharks? Maybe they put a reminder in their phone.

I might have got this really wrong. I was on safari, and an elephant had died. Get over it. Sad story. And so these, the bloke, what they call, hunter, no, he wasn't a hunter. What do they call the blokes who look out for it?

It's a guide. Yeah, one of those. A gamekeeper. War of autarky. Gamekeeper, I call it. Said there's great news, an elephant's died. War of Autarky. Gamekeeper, I call it. Said there's great news and elephants die. Oh. Awful.

I said, you won't be forgotten. Very good. And he said, no, but the animals from all over the jungle come and they take it in turns. So the lions go in first and then the hyenas go in. There's a whole like, you know, it's like those charts you used to get in school with all the different animals.

Oh, OK. So there was lions right next to us, and they were so fat, and they got such enormous bellies, they were just lying there, just going, I couldn't eat anything else. We were completely safe. I was sitting as close to them as I am to you. You know, I've always fancied my chances of killing a lion

in a fight if it came to me. Have you? Yeah, I've often said, I've always fancied my chances of killing a lion in a fight if it came to me. Have you? Yeah. I've always thought you could beat a lion. If you just get a good tight grip on it, you can't get the claws around. But anyway, these ones, they were just sitting. You could see the bellies on them. He's living in a fool's paradise.

I didn't realise that he thought he could wrestle a lion. He thinks he's a scientist and then he thinks he can kill a lion with bare hands. I've always thought I could jump off a train and be all right as well. I've always thought I could probably pole vault. Well, I thought I could run the 100 metres, didn't I? We did this. Yeah. Then what happened to that?

But anyway, I'm just saying that they don't just keep eating. They get full like any other people. Okay. Not all people, obviously, because we wouldn't have the National Obesity Prize. You're right, you're right. You're suggesting there should be more lion. I'm suggesting that we should put

people over a certain weight should have to have sundials fitted to the tops of their heads. And they can only eat when it's signifying a certain... Would that be allowed? Might be a bit right-wing. What about a volunteer? Start off with a volunteer scheme and see how it goes.

Yeah. Do you think? Yeah. Sundial hats. They wouldn't even need to graft them to their heads. You could have sundial hats. You're all hearts. Yeah. So would have sundial hats. You're all hearts. Yeah.

So would I at this stage. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Look, I've been trying to talk about this all morning. Yeah. I really want to discuss Alan Carr's wedding. Okay, go on.

More than sharks swimming in a circle. I said in a circle. And Frank's new science kit. Because, I mean, it was pretty special, this one. So he married, he actually got married earlier this year. I think it was in January. Right. But he's only just revealed some of the deets.

And... Is that what you call them? Yeah, the deets. Deets, yeah. Yeah. Deets is horrible. Deets is horrible. Isn't deets...

I seem to remember having a lot of my body hair removed. Is that a veet? Yeah. Oh, yeah, veets, yeah. Yeah. I know Stephen Merchant once said that if someone sent him a text

and said, yeah, send me over the deets, he would never speak to them again. So it's been about four years since I heard from him. But yeah, so they got married.

Can I just stop? I know we've been doing it. Can I just, just add a thought? Oh, what now? Science kit again. More science. No, no, no.

It's a big mo. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, go on. A big mo thing. So I was just thinking about bands. Steve Coogan's brother was in the M a big mo. Oh, yeah. A big mo thing. So I was just thinking about bands. Steve Coogan's brother was in the Mock Turtle. That's, yeah.

That is a big mo, isn't it? We'll let you have that. Okay, carry on. Alan Carr's Wedding. Yeah, so he married... Alan Carr's Wedding, living on love. He married Paul, his long-time partner. Well, husband now, who's lovely.

You can't marry your husband. No, well, he's now his husband. He was his partner then, now he's his husband. People have those second ceremonies. That's right. Yeah. And he got married by Adele. Adele married them.

She was the minister. You mean Adele the person. Yes. They got married by Adele. Adele the singer, Adele the star. Yeah. She did it in her garden. I didn't like Frank's mmm.

It was in her garden in LA, and apparently she organised the whole wedding. It's a bit George's Houses. What's George's Houses? On X Factor. On X Factor they go. Oh, right, yeah. It does feel very much,

I'm imagining she was sitting in a chiffon-backed bower. Yeah. And, interestingly enough, often sing a tell at judges' houses for the audition piece. That is true. Have you seen the pictures of her? She wore white robes. I have to say, although I fundamentally disapprove

of people becoming a minister in four minutes on the internet... So do I. Do you? It's like people thinking they're scientists. Exactly. But she does look very beautiful as a minister. Stunning. I'm starting to think maybe she should think about becoming a proper minister.

She'd look great. And she wore white to a wedding. Oh, yeah. That seems a bit... Well, I don't know what Alan and Paul wore. She had a big cross on it as well. Yeah. I mean, come on.

Oh. But I like that idea of getting your friend to marry you. Don't you think that's nice? Yes. Um... I think... I'm not sure Frank's convinced. If you're...

I've got a friend who's a vicar. If I asked him, I think that would be okay. What about if I asked you? If I said, if I decided to get married, I know, I'm knocking on, but it would be a mature wedding. Yeah, it'd be all right. White trouser suit, angry stepchildren. I think...

I... Unavoidable, dear. I would... I think I would honestly ask you, Frank. Really? What you talking about? No, I would... So Frank would have ask you, Frank. Really? What you talking about, Willis? No, I would like Frank to marry me. No, but I'd say look, I love you and I'd love to be

your best man and all that, but I think a minister is a minister is a minister. Yeah, but you speak the lingo. Oh, you'd ask me to dress up as Elvis. That'd be good. Oh, I'd be on a beach. I mean, think how many Elvis's got passed up for Adele to marry some... There's a lot of out-of-work ministers that day, I think.

Wouldn't there? I think the idea... She did the first dance, apparently. She sang the first dance. Now, that is a great booking. Oh, what a booking. Come on. But, I mean, get a proper minister.

He's not listening, Alan. I love Alan, he's a lovely chap, but he's not married. Not in my opinion. Right, because it was a day... Although he might have had a civil thing as well, that makes it... He might have. But, yeah, you can't just become... You can't start marrying...

I think Benedict Cumberbatch did it as well. He married Judge Rinder. Did he? Well, there's a bit of gossip. Yeah. Yeah, he did, yeah. No, but he conducted... No, he was the minister.

Oh, I see. Another one, Ian McKellen. I mean, you can see the confusion there. He was the minister at Patrick Stewart's wedding. Yeah. Hmm. I like the sort of, you know, X-Men aspect of that. Patrick Stewart, as you know, is a good mate of mine.

Big town fan. I just think, shouldn't it be like a proper thing? Yeah. Okay. Okay. I mean,

I'm sure it was lovely. I'd be very excited. I mean, Adele, she said it's very nice of her. She did Judge's House. It sounds like she did a lot. She did. She planned the whole thing.

Yeah. Girlfriend was busy. That's a lot of work. I hate admin. I wondered if she did think, two blokes get married, this is my chance to absolutely be the best-looking woman in the place by about a mile. And she looks angelic.

I mean, I've never struck me before that she should wear white all the time. That's my tip if you're listening, Ada. Is that what friends call her? Ada. Shorten it to Ada. I did a song at my sister-in-law's wedding. Did you? I performed.

Oh, yeah. I did I'm Leaning on a Landpost, the George Formby classic with the ukulele. It was beautiful. It was great. A self-review, then. It was beautiful. Well, it's a love song. What about me?

It's often not recognised. Yeah, exactly. My sister-in-law's wedding, I did... I did a song I wrote myself called What About Me, which I think at every wedding, of course. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Which I think at every wedding, of course. Can anyone listen and tell me? There used to be, very briefly, there was a magician on the telly

who had his own show and then he seemed to disappear. I think he might be no longer with us. But he might just be at the back of the cabinet. When you say he seemed to disappear, you mean career-wise? No, I think... You don't mean as part of the show? Also, are there any identifying qualities?

Well, the theme to the show was It's a Kind of Magic by the Queen. Our readers will be all over that. That's a good question. By the Queen. I imagine our readers contain several magic fans. Do you think? Yeah. Just do. They just know these things.

Tell you what I didn't like was Adele being best man. I don't want to beat the drum for the belittles. Was she best man as well? She was best man as well. And minister. I just think too many jobs. And also she's a woman.

I'm going to say it. I know gender's a spectrum these days, but I think it's petty. I think there's a pettiness to it. I think she's just annoyed about that time Bono was voted Woman of the Year by Time magazine. Was it Time? Oh, I think it was Glamour, wasn't it? Yeah.

Well, that was a strange period. I think that's what that's all about. I think that's what it's all about. I think that's what it's all about. Bono! I love it when Al goes all Jordan Peterson. Yes, I know. Great reference. I've got it all, Jordan Peterson.

Great reference. Fabulous. I'm just thinking it's odd. How can I go Jordan? So what, did she say, right, have you got the ring? And then she turned around and she's got like a frock coat on the other half. One of those sketches. One of those sketches she turns back

yes I've got the ring minister she turns back again oh thank you so much she did different voices maybe yeah exactly she must have

she did everything that day she organised it busy woman and then she did the dance what a nice friend lovely friend I bet she had the old symbols on the inner thighs

for the first dance a one man band thing. Love me tender. But for everyone else it must have been like being in an Alec Guinness film. Just her constantly popping up in different roles. Kind Hearts and Coronets.

I wonder if she had the suitcase where she was getting all the costumes out of. Okay, bride family. OK, bride's family. Oh, it's her again. Big camera. Weird. At least she mucked in.

I mean, it's a fantastic brag to say, oh, yeah, I got married recently. Oh, congratulations. Yeah. Yeah, Adele was the minister and the best man and did the first song and we had it in her house. Brilliant. Well, you've already said publicly now. Sorry, Frank.

I was just thinking if you fell out with her, that would be forever poison, that marriage. Yeah. Well, she's always going to be famous, so you're safe with her. You've got to be careful which celebrity you choose, though, because you don't want to look back on your wedding photos and say, oh, he's in the jungle now.

Yeah, I still regret it. You know, you don't want them look back on your wedding photos and say, oh, he's in the jungle now. Yeah, I still regret it. You don't want them on phone 0891. My bridesmaids were Cleopatra coming after me. That was an error looking back. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I mean, what about with the celebrity ministers?

Presumably, Frank, I mean, you'd be happy with Rev Richard Cole because he's got all the paperwork. Yeah, someone's, you know... Got years in the game. Yeah, exactly. And you could get a lovely song. You know, maybe, I don't know, maybe people's weddings are not taken as seriously as they used to be. I think maybe that's it.

And, you know, it's fine. Goodness me. It's a different world. I went to a... So hot. When I went at my sister-in-law's wedding, Oh, when you did the performance, yeah. Yeah, their first dance was to

Klaus Bedelt's He's a Pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean do you know it? no it's very romantic they both wore eye patches and did a sort of a knees up type It's very romantic. They both wore eye patches and did a sort of a knees-up type dance together.

Oh, I don't remember that. It was great. I really enjoyed it. You were there. Yes, I was. I didn't remember that. Fake news. I went to a friend's wedding and their song thing, you know, when they played the song, what is it called, the first song?

First dance. It was Elton John. Yeah. He was there and he played piano. Oh, what, you mean he sung live? Yeah. Wow. In the room? That's a book, yeah.

He tailored the lyrics of your songs, so it became them. Oh, nice. Oh, he does that a bit, doesn't he? That was cool. He does that a bit. Oh, no, he didn't do it with that one. You're thinking about our Queen of Hearts. No, we're thinking about it.

Yeah, that was actually a funeral. I think you'll find. I mean, for a comment. I feel really chastened. Can I say... Does he do bar mitzvahs as well? He's doing all the bookings. Can I just say, if I die,

can David Baddiel be the minister at the funeral? Is that all right? If I don't end up wearing that leather jacket in the end of the 90s, that Aztec camera one. But is that the next thing? Celebrity people at funerals conducting the funeral?

Could be. I'd be happy with that. I don't know what's going on. I'm not. I'm sort of. I've never been very easy. You might notice that I've been in show business for 30 years plus. What about me? I don't have many showbiz friends at all right

and i think i when i became a celebrity i think you'll agree i did my best to spread it around as much as i could yeah and i think there's something a bit something about celebrities hanging out with celebrities that's got a hint of inbreeding right oh i see you think they should share it i think they should mix it yeah it's nice great the other person's got a story at work you know i was out with uh i don't know whoever it was um arj on saturday and also arj is reminded by hanging around with the you know the what you might call he's an unfamous mate of how lucky he is and he's risen up. So it's mutually beneficial.

If you're just hanging around with other celebrities I think you can get lost. He doesn't want anyone more famous than him in the room. What I'm saying is what about me? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We were discussing celebrities wearing hats earlier and we had the news flash that once upon a time

Grace Jones got onto an aeroplane wearing three hats. Not one, not two, but three different hats. Ian Angle, regular contributor to the show, has offered the possibility that perhaps Grace Jones was planning to play Mile High strip poker. Oh, yes. She's gone prepared. Because the truth

is, if Grace Jones was going to play Mile High strip poker, she'd probably just want a bikini. Because she was a very physical... She used to invite people on stage to touch her. Did she? Yeah.

OK, wouldn't get away. It's all right when they do it. That's all I'll say. I don't know if it is, actually. One of the most... Had a lot of village people. One of the most glamorous... Oh, celebs in hats.

You know about my child. Turns out it's all an act. Yeah, exactly. It's a ploy. Turns out they were tricking us. Once they're indoors. Duncan North, how was he gay? What?

His whole act was being gay. Did not know that. Yeah. I'd love it if the village people were real womanisers. That would be great Yeah, just people suggesting that there's no more hat than them in music

A lot of hat going on with village people Well every single one had a hat, had some sort of headgear Yes, that's true, cowboy hat Construction worker, always my favourite Yeah, a sort of Native American headdress Black leather cap Policeman always my favourite. Yeah, a sort of Native American headdress. Yeah.

Black leather cap. Policeman. Yeah. Yeah, you're right, they like to have... Hang on, what was black leather cap? There was one who was just... What was his job? Not just when you made up. No, no, there was one who just wore black leather

and chains and dark glasses. Hang on, what job was he? He was the control. In the village people experiment. Cowboy? He was, yeah. It was a cowboy. It was a cowboy.

If you say that the village people was an experiment in homosexual imagery, he was the control, he was the base. I'm just saying all of them worked on... They all had these jobs, but he didn't have a job. I'm just saying he was the unemployed one. No, he didn't. No, he didn't have... I think he was in an administrative position

in the village people. He was one of the village elders. Right, nice. Yeah. We've also had a text that I think slightly proves me right. 871. What about me?

Dear crew, Chinese fake honey is just clear honey mixed with syrup. Also, apes and monkeys cannot produce the works of Shakespeare. It's rubbish. I don't know if that would prove it. Sticking their neck out with the last one. Yeah, the old says it. You need a slightly more persuasive argument than it's rubbish. I don't know if that would be proven. Stick it in their neck out of the last one. Yeah, the old says it. You need a slightly more persuasive argument

than that's rubbish. But hold on a minute. The fake honey thing, if it's just... If it's got honey in it... Fake honey. Let's just call it diluted honey, really, shall we? Yeah, exactly. Still the bees doing the heavy lifting on it.

The question my child asked me, which I said, was it nearly three hours ago now, I'm still having a clear answer to it, is can you make honey without bees? And we thought we were home and dry. And now if synthetic honey has honey in it, then all bets are off. That's why I wanted to bring it to your attention.

My son, he's called Buzz, by the way, which is... Someone has pointed that out. ...certainly apt. Oh, have they really? I mean, they're not reminding you of your son's name. It's only just occurred to me. I'm 61. I've been calling him Elton for the last three months. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been talking about the Alan Carr wedding and the fact that Adele was sort of party planner, minister, entertainment. She got her hand on the table, didn't she, in snooker terms? She did, all over the show. I've already said that I'd like Frank to do this role. I mean, not the planning element, but some sort of entertainment role you would have.

OK? Are you happy with that? Mine, I played her the first dance. OK. Okay? Are you happy with that? Pine Applet is the first dance. Okay. You all right with the conga? What about that? That was the first dance. How are you going to follow that? Oh, it's unfollowable, isn't it?

But what about you? What about the mid-late, though? I'd be quite melancholic, that mid-late. For the minister, I'd go Richard Dawkins. Oh, what? Imagine just your chair being pulled back. Frank walks out. Get lost.

Get lost. Yeah, get lost, Dawkins. And for the wedding planning bit, I think Gordon Ramsay's got to be in with a shout, hasn't he? Because he'd get it. He's great in a crisis as well. He's very calm, I find. I think he'd be like, this's great in a crisis as well. He's very calm, I find.

I think he'd be like, this menu's got too much stuff on it! With a lot of bleeps, obviously, as well. And then, you know, the menu would have just the right number of things. I was thinking Greg Wallace. Oh, yeah. Because Greg Wallace, the food would be nice. It would be nice.

But also, he hosts Time Commanders, the historical battle re-enactment TV show. Does he actually? And I think that would come in quite handy. Have you not seen Time Commanders? Is this battle reenactment TV show. Does he actually? And I think that'll come in quite handy. Have you not seen Time Commanders? Is this one of your flights of fancy? No, have you not seen Time Commanders? I've never seen it.

It's really good. And they demonstrate some of the... I've seen them so sincere about something. Yeah, they won't... It's done on computers with two teams, so... That sounds like good telly. Yeah, it's excellent. I've watched them all.

They're great. So you watch people playing battles on computers? So they recreate battles, but also they'll have moments where they show you. When they send in the blokes with the slings, it doesn't sound that exciting, but when you see a real bloke demonstrating

the damage you can do with a slingshot, then you think, oh, God. Starts the village people. That does sound good. Don't they make some glaring errors? You wouldn't believe it. Anyway, he'd be my wedding planner. More on the strength of that than...

I'm easy with the food, but let's have some slingshots at the wedding. What the idea is, the bride throws the bouquet and a hawk takes it at the wedding. What the idea is, the bride throws the bouquet and a hawk takes it out the air. Okay, so... Oh, by the way, thank you to Guinness World Records

that sent me... They actually sent me a book called Science and Stuff. Oh, he's going to be insufferable now. Next week he's got an extra credit. I actually dread next week. My new book, Vague Science and Stuff, is going to catch on, I think.

I think I've discovered the way into science now is to just ease up and just chill out a bit with the fact. Don't get too bogged down in the detail. Vague science, you can enjoy it. It's like a warm bath. Anyway, look, thank you so much for listening today. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now, get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.