The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - What does the snake want?

Episode Date: February 18, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by the Divine Miss Em and The Cockerel - they're not live so shut up about it. Frank has seen a terrible remake of a loved film and has Valentines tales. The team talk the Grammys and being old skool.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, journalist, and Alan Cochran, comedian. You can tweet us at Frank on the Radio or email us via the Absolute Radio website. But you know what? Don't text us today because we are not live we are not live ladies and gentlemen i um i hate to tell you sorry i just uh i touched the wrong fader what why you're not interested in that are you no get back to your bacon so um yes well the reason we're pre-recording it is i'm not going away or anything. It's just that I've listened to it a couple of weeks ago going out.

It was so brilliant. I want to listen to it again, yeah. I believe you said a couple of weeks ago, your exact words were, I envy our listeners. I do. And I'm very much looking forward to, as I can sense myself smiling at home. Yeah. Even now.

Well, that's nice. Not that there's anything funny happening, but I just know there will be. Oh, yeah, there's a definite sense of anticipation. I say, well, I'm in suspect. Oh, it's lovely. I quite like the pre-record atmosphere. It's a bit like... Remember the last day of term and everyone would wear mufti?

Yes. It's mufti. I've called it mufti. That's a modern phrase to me. Oh, is it? Yeah, it's something bit like, remember the last day of term and everyone would wear mufti? Yes. We never called it mufti. That's a modern phrase to me. Oh is it? Yeah, it's something I've learned since being a grown up. But it's not modern is it? It's old. I think it's really old. I think it's old fashioned. But in Yorkshire we called it non-uniform day. Non-uniform? Yeah, yeah.

So practical the Yorkshire people. A very dour down to earth use of language. It could suggest. Not many of these fancy, muddy ways, OK? But couldn't it suggest that you're going to adopt an alternative approach to life, a non-uniform course? Yeah. And that's where some of the children went off the rails on that particular Friday.

It was the one day of the week the people from Yorkshire expressed their individuality. Having sort of been trapped in the L.S. Lowry painting world. I know that's Lancashire. Well, they tell it like it is, apparently. Do they? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Well, there's, you know, ear all, see all, say nout. Peace all, drink all, pay nout. Oh, I thought it was wear nout. That's where I've been going wrong. I can't think of another one. Grow a moustache, wear a floral shirt, come out. Did I say that? That's me today.

Come out or go on QI if you're going to wear the floral shirt. Oh, yes. Love a floral shirt. Can I say on the subject of, no, I won't use that as a segue, but Alan spoke, I thought recklessly, of growing a moustache. But lo and behold, it's... I wouldn't say it's there, but it's... Is that what that is?

It's what they call there or thereabouts, isn't it? I thought... I think we're already fans of that term. Frank, I was in that awkward thing where do I say something? No, you don't have to. I mean, I quite like it. I'll tell you what, people were really avoiding my eye contact earlier when I had left some sort of, what's it called,

handlebar-style droopy... Well, you're saying handlebar, but what you're signifying is a viva sapata. Oh, is it? Handlebar sort of goes up. Oh, is it? Yeah, it goes of goes up. Oh, is it? Yeah, it goes onto the cheeks. Yours is more Tom of Finland.

Google it. Oh, well, I've trimmed off. Oh, no, I don't need to. I'm not Googling Tom of Finland again. I've wasted hours. It's one of the celebrations. How do they breathe in those trousers? Sorry.

It's one of the celebrations of having kind of a non-uniform requiring job, isn't it? Like if I have a moustache, who cares? Yeah, I've got a mufti job. Why out? It doesn't matter, does it? What was the reason behind the tash? Well, remember my wife said to me...

Oh, the wife, yes. I think you might like... She's since retracted that comment, I must say. How do you feel it's... I feel it's going quite well now. She actually said this morning, do you know what, I'd be fine if you just shaved the lot. And I thought, no I feel it's going quite well now. She actually said this morning, do you know what? I'd be fine if you just shaved a lot. And I thought, no, I'm going to keep it now.

Be careful what you wish for. I'll tell you what I like about it. We're walking parable. That's what I am. I like the fact that you could have done this in November and raised a lot of money for charity, but no. Let's face it.

I mean, I think we all know that charity now is probably just about topped up, got enough. Yeah, it's fine. I think we can all relax on the charity front. I've got some top lip news. Have you? Oh. Yeah.

I've got some hair lip, but I'll save that. Oh. I tell you what, my child has seemingly, we haven't had it tested, I think he's got a cold sore. Oh. Oh. Now, I've been kissing him on a regular basis during the growth of this phenomenon. And I, as a 60-year-old man, have never had a cold sore in my life. Right.

And to get one at this age... You know, they say that my new experiences are all done and dusted. I think not. Oh, yeah. I think I could end up with my first ever cold sore. I don't think you will, though. I don't think you will, though. I don't think you will. Why not?

Isn't it about some kind of bacteria that's in you? Is it? You take that back. You get it or you don't. Really? Yeah, I think so. So if you kiss someone with a cold shot... Some people don't get them.

Yeah. I mean, this is not medical advice coming from me. No. As you say, a comedian. Is that quite... Well, that's heartening. Yeah, I don't want listeners thinking... I don't get them.

Just FYI. I once took a septic foot to Harry Hill. Did you? In Edinburgh, yeah. So I'm happy to mix medicine and mirth. Oh, good. It's one of your mottos, isn't it? Well, it's on the bench.

Yeah. It's on the motto's bench. It's not in the first team. So many, haven't you? Oh, God, I've got to... So you've got... Have you got any tingling, Frank? Well, you know what?

Of course, once I realised that it was a possibility, I got tingling. Oh. I got psychosomatic tingling. Yeah. One of my favourite albums. Yeah. It is.

But what happens if I'm lost? He's flingered his vest. No, it's... I don't... I'm not a big fan of the Coles, so I don't know if anyone is, but what happens if I'm worse? He's flingered his vest. No, it's... I'm not a big fan of the cold, so I don't know if anyone is, really. I don't want a top lip that looks like the roadkill version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which is what it used to be. It's like all pink and then one glowing red thing.

I would stay in if I got a cold sore. I wouldn't leave the house. Really? Yeah. Have you never had one either? No. I thought they were a cold sore. I wouldn't leave the house. Really? Yeah. Have you never had one either? No. I thought they were a common player. No, I thought...

Great news, we can snog without fear of infection. I got asked that before joining the show. Isn't that not a prerequisite of all on-air talent? I'm not part of the pre-team grilling. No, I mean, I may have hinted that the Colesville thing was a good idea to ask, but I wasn't draconian. He does what he wants, largely. Anyway, I'm a bit concerned about it, to be honest.

So, tier one, I... Well, does Kath get them? Sorry to interrupt. No, Kath doesn't get them either, so she's in a panic. Because as she said to me, I've been sharing my lip seal with him. Yeah. And I thought, God, we've moved on, haven't we, since the 80s, when we were all afraid of hypodermic syringes and stuff like that. Now it's balm.

Yeah. We've got balm anxiety. With an L. You say it with the L. I do. I give it the L. Do you say balm? I do, yeah. No, I think then a balm anxiety. With an L. You say it with the L. I do. I give it the L. Do you say balm? I do, yeah. No, I think then a balm pot.

And the thing is you can get a balm pot, of course. You can. It's not always in a tube or a lipstick. So do you go balmy or balmy? No, balmy is with an R, I think. Okay. It's the weather. No, except if there's with an L. Well, what about, Paul Robeson's, there is Balm In Gilead?

You know that one, do you? I do not know that one. There is a balm in Gilead. Is it ringing any bells? No, not yet. I often think there should be a crib sheet that goes with this show. I'm just thinking how much I envy our listeners. Yeah.

Well, I am our listener and I'm almost certainly singing along with the Robesonian activity. No, I think he says there's a balm in Gilead that makes the wounded

whole. Catchy. Yeah. We've all gone a bit Robert Louis Stevenson. Which could be lip seal, let's face it. It doesn't exactly

make it whole, but it can take away a chap. And I haven can take away a chap. And I haven't took away a chap since I had the Call Your Own Big Tom of Finland book. Is it worth a buy? Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake.

I'll tell you what I watched this week. I might have even mentioned this film last week because I watched it over three nights. It was The Incredible Journey. Oh, yeah. Three nights you watched it? Yeah. Was it like Nosferatu? Well, I watched it with Baz

and we don't allow him more than 40 minutes of screen time a day. Okay. Because I don't want him to become one of those zombie kids just sitting looking at an iPhone or an iPad all day. I like the fact that when he's an adult, he'll go to the cinema with a lady and after 40 minutes, he'll say, okay, I think we better move on now. He'll get used to those increments, which I quite like.

Do you still get an intermission if it's a long film? I don't think you do. It used to be a lovely thing at the cinema. The last time I remember that was my parents took me to see Gone With The Wind. Oh, goodness. Back in the 70s, and there was an intermission. I remember there was one in Cheyenne Autumn. Right.

Remember her? And it just, also, it was quite brisk. There was people driving, not driving, riding past Cacti and a couple of Mexicans in bandoleros and ping, intermission suddenly came up like that. And, you know, it was all ice cream and sausage in a roll in a box for me.

Nice. Yeah. I think I had a Keora. Whose is that? I don't know. I think I had a clear aura. Whose is that? I don't know, but I can hear... I think it might be mine. I can hear music.

Is it heavenly choir? I won't get it. Shall I get it? No, I don't know. You won't get it. I do apologise. That's okay. Whoever that is,

I'm no longer going to speak to them. It's a lovely ringtone. It's got an element of me, a swan. Well, you once called it Cliff Richard's car alarm. Oh, yeah, that was... Have you gone to airplane mode, or did you just...

Well, I normally do, but I was in a rush because of the builders. I mean, just then, because it may ring again. Yes, I've turned it off now. I'll tell you what I love about airplane mode. Apologies, everyone. OK, it's accepted. Thank you. Taken, yeah.

I love the aftermath of airplane mode. Which is what? I always put it on, put it off, rather of airplane mode which is what? I always put it on put it off rather, airplane mode thinking there will be a text or email here that will change my life do you know what I mean? I always used to say

when I lived with David Baddiel whenever the phone rang I'd say that'll be Val Parnell for me Val Parnell was like he used to produce Sunday Night at London Palladium I think he'd been dead for some years. But it seemed to me like the ultimate exciting fan call to get. And I always think there'll be something, you know,

something waiting for me at the end of the airplane mode. There would have been a lady saying, I've got Mr. Parnell for you. Yes, exactly. Slightly 1940s voice. Your manager still does that. Does he? You're not aware of this. They'll say, are we allowed to say his name? I don't think so. He's called John. Someone will say,

I've got John for you, and then you have to wait 20 minutes whilst they locate him. If he hasn't got time to actually phone me himself. He can't do the dials. So anyway, I was watching Incredible Journey, and not made in 1963, and what the great thing about the fact that it was made in 1963 was a journey in 1963 was a physical activity.

It involved mileage. You know, nowadays, a journey is some sort of emotional... Oh, yes. You cannot have a meeting about... It's like a song on the X Factor isn't it nowadays, Journey oh everything sometimes I have meetings about doing documentaries and people will say to me, yeah but what's your

journey going to be and I reach for my 60 plus bus pass and say well we can see it and do all the zones but this is an actual journey it has a measurable mileage. That's how I define a journey.

There's animals in it. I mean, it's the dream film. I've got to talk to the accountant about you today. Measurable mileage. Well, I just, I'm so sick of the J word in people saying, you know, it's a real journey for me. Was it? Well, I think it's always the best response.

Frank Skinner on the radio. That, I think, is always the best response. So, are you aware of The Incredible Journey, Alan? Are you looking at me? Only insofar as that you recommended it to me last week and I put it into my notes in my phone. Oh, good. In fact, I think I wrote An Incredible Journey, film recommended by Frank. Oh, lovely.

It's a dog and two cats starring. It's two dogs and a cat. I mean, I don't expect that from our dog correspondent. Goodness me, what an era. It's an English bull terrier. It's wonderful. Oh, lovely breed. Do you think that's a lovely breed?

I'll tell you what I always think of. Oh, God breed. Do you think that's a lovely breed? I'll tell you what I always think of. Oh, God's chilling. With the English bull terrier, they once had a series of historical heads on the back of cereal packets when I was a kid. And you cut them out and you had to... I remember I had it at Henry VIII. I bet that looked attractive.

Yeah. You put it on like some sort of mask. No, you didn't wear it. You cut it and you folded it and constructed it into a head oh okay but whenever it's done with car I've seen it done with cardboard heads before um we've got a cardboard uh boss lightyear head in our house and it's like very block obviously it's very block like lots of straight lines and edges and it seems to me that the English Paul Terry that's what they've done with the head. Yes.

And also... Patch on the eye as well. Yes. Yeah. And also a tightness of the skin across the cereal box head. Yeah. It looks to me like a cost-cutting exercise. There isn't quite enough skin to cover. Listen, I'm with you.

I would say it looks inherently, it looks unfinished. It's stretched too tightly. I know, I know. It's okay. It's okay. Yeah. It's going pink in parts where the surface is actually breaking through the pelt. Don't get it in the sun. It's a thing that moments ago I was worried about you spoiling the film for me. Now I've sparked an entire dog breed.

There'll be people at home of course who are English Bull Terrier. The way people get about dogs, no disrespect, hasn't caught me accepting. It's interesting. Frank, am I in the dog chair now? You're totally in the dog chair. I'm sorry about that hair. Anyway.

I'll sit in the dog chair. I understand your reservations about the breed. Yes. I agree with you. I mean, it's a taut animal, isn't it? It's so... But I like that in an animal. I think it's just the skeleton has gone a bit too big for the skin. Okay.

But, you know, I know the feeling. Almost like they've tumble-dried their skin and then put it back on. Yeah, exactly. Lovely metaphor, lovely. Yeah, exactly, just a bit too... Image there, Al. They do a lot of tumble-drying, shrinking. So there's him, and there's a Labrador,

who obviously is the rock, you know, the solid character. And then there's a Siamese cat, which they love a Siamese cat, the Disney world. Yeah. Well, they were very popular at that time, 60s and 70s. You know, we are Siamese if you please. Is that OK? What?

I'm just saying, looking back, that song was... Yeah, they weren't conjoined, the cats. From Siam. They were all right, they were separate entities. No, I just remember being sung in a slightly... If the cats had been conjoined, that would have been... It's a scene you'd not see anymore. No.

I just remember a slightly offensive accent. That's all when it was sung. Well, I think you could be Siamese without offending anyone, don't you? OK. Was it pre-Thailand? When did Thailand start? Oh, I don't know. When it all kicked off. It's getting harder and harder to write the show notes on this. I'm really missing the listeners, because we'd have had...

I know, they would have known everything. on this. I'm really missing the listeners because we'd have had ten answers to the time-honoured quiz question, when did Thailand start? As if it was like someone coming in for a screening of Thailand. When did it start? Sorry, I've just missed the first

five minutes, mate. You'll be alright. 40 minutes. The sequel to Siam. Which brings us neatly back to the incredible journey yes but i think the the obsession with siamese cats um at disney i'm guessing there was some uh a sort of salesman you know when you go in a in a hotel room lots of british sort of middle to lower grade hotel rooms. We've got the Corby Trowser press. I'll nose about that. And obviously there was some character

who went around selling those and just managed to sell them to massive chains of hotels. I think some chancer from Siam turned up at the Disney things and said, look, if you're going to put cats in I'm not doing the voice.

We're glad. But he did say, if you're going to put cats in... I'm not doing the voice. If you're going to put... We're glad. If you're going to put cats in... But he did say, if you please, I believe, when you came in. I've got some cats, they'll tick all the boxes. Just use these cats. If you please.

And I'll be on my way if you don't please. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding. I think that's what happened. Yeah. Very well re-enacted. I thought they'd come in when Emily's phone went off. I thought they'd turned up, but no, it was a false alarm.

It wasn't an alarm, it was a ringtone, you know what I mean? Don't be pedantic. Why not? I love it. Frank Skinner on the radio. In the great tradition of this show's late reviews, I'm talking about the 1963 version of The Incredible Journey. Yes. In detail.

We were talking about, I asked you off air, about some of the Siamese songs. Yes, well, I think... We are Siamese, if you please. Lady and the Tramp. Lady and the Tramp. And there was another one from The King and I. March of the Siamese Children

get your ring timer for backing but I once in my drinking days I I saw your Brunner play on the stage thank you

did you yes lovely I saw I saw a weird moment in the show. I worked with his... That's quite a thing to see.

I worked with Yul Brynner's former PA and he gave me a photograph. Work with all. Yeah, I don't know if he's classed as one of the all. I think so. But he gave me a photo that Yul Brynner had took of his daughter with a big fly on her nose. Still got it. Really?

That's a good photo. Still got it. Yes. OK. Obviously we a big fly on her nose. Still got it. Really? That's a good photo. Still got it. Yes. Okay. Obviously we'll put it on social media. You'll be gagging to see, I'm sure. Frank, it's better than my two Emma love F. Bruno, which I got.

F. Bruno. Yeah. Excellent. Anyway. So, yes, I was in the public house called The Dock. I was very drunk. And I saw Kenny Ball and his jazz men. Just not playing, just relaxing.

If you remember Kenny Ball, his big hit was Midnight in Moscow, which was once played on Radio Throstle at the West Bromwich Albion PA station. And we were playing Dinamo Bucharest and they hadn't got the Romanian national anthem so they played Kenny Ball's Midnight in Moscow as an approximation there was some confusion but anyway

one of his other hits was a jazz version of March of the Siamese Children which I sang with my trousers and under pants around my ankles for the entertainment of him and his Jasmine. You've got to imagine, it's the jolting, the jolting rhythm which caused the problem.

They found it initially entertaining and then, I don't think it would be an overstatement to say they were repulsed. You see, it's a long song as well. I wonder where that was going, that sentence. No, but Frank, what... I didn't do the whole thing.

What breaks it up, if I may say? I spared them the bridge. Very relief to hear. Yes. Anyway... Oh, my heavens. Anyway, the point I was trying to make wow

about the whole incredible journey and that was quite a journey you went on to read the pre-records there's many isn't it it was thank god we can edit

the smut out of this yeah oh we don't do the edit okay sorry guys but I'll be enjoying it this is Frank Skinner Sorry, guys, but I'll be enjoying it. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

There's a remake, a modern-day remake, of The Incredible Journey, and I'm going to go straight to it. It's got SDS problems. What's that? Scrappy-Doo Syndrome. Oh, lovely. So what they've done... I love this. It was all done with commentary before. It was quite realistic, the dogs

on the cat. I was going to ask who's in it. No, there's people doing the voices. How are they? So now the animals speak. So are there famous people, like Justin Bieber is the Siamese? I don't know who does it. Michael, who was the guy who got, is this a young heartthrob?

He was in an American sitcom and he got very poorly. Michael J. Fox. Michael J. Fox is in it. Ironically, playing a dog. Lovely. He should have been in Fox and Hound. That would have confused things. That's a good point.

With Rufus Hound, ideally, just to really, on the casting, they're saying, oh, no, hold on, we're going to have to stop. Who's what on this? Anyway, so that's it. They've sold out.

And whereas it was, it felt like a documentary, the original. Yeah. Now there's, and they don't even, they're not doing the mouths. The mouths remain the same.

It's like the telepathy. It's like War of the Worlds with the Martians. And have they gone for the same breeds? They have gone for the same breeds, but can I tell you, originally, this was the name of the dogs, the English Bull Terrier was Bodger, Tau was the cat,

and Luath was the Labrador. Quite extraordinary. Luath was the Labrador. Quite extraordinary. Ridiculous. That's biblical. No, but the English bull terrier is called Chance. Okay. This is before he started winning Grammy Awards. Shadow is the...

It's all gone a bit gladiator's ready. It has, yeah. And Sassy is the cat. Oh. They've lost the whole... On 0898. They've lost the whole, you know, martial arts sort of oriental Tao. Sassy was someone you visited back in the 80s, weren't you?

Yeah, it was Tao and now it's Sassy. I don't like the sound of Sassy. It's really let the whole thing down. I'd like to have been at that meeting when they said, you know, we can't stick with these names, can we? No. What about Sassy? They'd obviously been to Spearmint Rhino the night before.

Yeah, exactly. They were all in front of it. He's in Spearmint Rhino. Do you remember the famous story, I say famous, four people have heard it, about Fawlty Towers when they did the remake in America, they had a meeting about it. And the Americans who wanted to make it said,

we absolutely love it, but we don't like the Basil character, he's too aggressive. So they dropped Basil Fawlty. No. And the hotel was run by Manuel. Really? Yeah. I think it ran three episodes before they pulled him.

Yeah. But I think this is in the same league. Tao to Sassy? No. No. It's not... Tinder. It's not Tinder.

No. I just thought it was a strange bit of football commentary there. Tao to Sassy. Cleverly. It's not Tinder. It is. It's not Tinder. No. I just thought it was a strange bit of football commentary there. Tao to sassy, cleverly. It's not Tinder. It is because it's a goal. If only, if only that's what had happened. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, but don't text today, please, because we have messed about with the space-time continuum and we are not actually live. I'm going to be straight with you.

Sorry, Ken. It's a long way from saying it's a free record. Sorry, Ken, is what Adele shouted at the Grammys at one point, which really made me laugh for some reason. I don't want to know who he is. I like not knowing. No, we don't want to know about Ken. Anyway, we were talking about, if you recall,

we're not going to do another hour on The Incredible Journey and how it's changed. No. But do you remember a few weeks ago I spoke of Andrew's liver salts? Yes, I do remember that. It's a fascinating combo in that it was a laxative if you had two spoonfuls in water. And if you had one spoonful in water, it was, and I quote, a refreshing drink.

There's so few laxatives where you can just tweet the dosage and suddenly it's party time. Well. Almost never with a laxative, I find. Well, I don't know. One spoonful away from drama. Exactly. Didn't we hear some text saying that it's now marketed as Andrew's Salt?

They've taken the live round. So they've gone down the medical route, not the refreshing... I think they took off the thing saying, no longer recommended as a refreshing drink. No, they took the refreshing drink thing. I'll tell you what else I noticed. It's not stopped you, though, has it? I bet you still have it.

I think it would still work. I mean, don't quote me on this in case it's lethal or you find yourself up to your neck in your own soilage. I like the idea of you as a child

eating raw sausages and drinking Andrew's liver salt. Exactly. And then there was some sterilised... You didn't do you any harm, did it? Sterilised milk in lemonade

was the other thing. So it meant white lemonade. Powdered egg? Yes. No, powdered egg. I never had that. Anyway, so I saw, I was in the chemist. Congratulations.

Don't ask. We won't. I was in the chemist and I saw some Andrews. Oh, shut up. Andrew salts. Oh, yeah. Now, they're no longer in the tin, are they? We established that.

They're in a plastic container. They were in the Ogletini's tin before. And I'll tell you what it says on the front. It says, fast and effective relief from upset stomach. Oh, okay. Now, I thought, isn't that typical of the modern world? They just don't want to face facts. The upset stomach. Oh, OK. Now, I thought, isn't that typical of the modern world? They just don't want to face facts. The upset stomach.

We know what you mean. Yeah, whereas it used to say on the front, and I quote Andrews Liversels, for inner cleanliness, which is an expansive idea, which seems to cover the physical and the psychological and the spiritual, maybe. They've gone a bit MBS, mind, body, spirit.

They have, yeah. But now it's upset stomach. Shut up. But that's quite a 70s concept, the upset stomach. I mean, that's what your mum would ring in. Oh, she's not coming in. She's got a bit of an upset stomach. Yeah, yes.

Tummy ache, upset stomach. Maybe you're right. Anyway, that is two things the modernization of the incredible journey and that other incredible journey andrew's liver salts i don't like a modernization on the whole though no i don't like are you familiar with the original parent trap no with hayley mills oh yes that was that was one of your Disney live actions. Fabulous film. And then they did a modernisation with Lindsay Lohan, your friend, Frank. I do. I mean, I love anything with Lilo. Well, I love Lilo, but I mean, this, come on. I mean, Mills is up there for

me. And it just felt like a slight vandalism of the past, really. I liked it, but it wasn't quite the same. I always felt with the Disney live action films, it was a bit like a fall live album. It's like they were running a bit short and they said, we need to put a film out. We haven't got time for all that drawing. Phone Hayley Mills. You know what I mean?

They were never quite, they weren't up there with you. Snow Whites and all that. And they do the American versions as well. You're a fan of that, what was that series that was out very recently that you love? Broadchurch, Frank. Oh yeah. I know you saw that very recently. I did, I did. They did an American version of that. Also with

David Tennant. Who we love. But it wasn't very good. Was it? Raise point. I'm afraid not. Yeah, but they tell me that about episode two of Broadchurch. Season two, yeah. Season two. Sorry, yes. Oh, I liked it. Yeah, but they told me that about episode two of Broadchurch. Season two, yeah. Season two, sorry, yes. I thought it was pretty ropey, actually. Oh, I liked it.

Yeah, you loved it, didn't you? People, oh, people. Yeah, we've all got different tastes. They think this and they think that and they think nothing. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. I was very disappointed in the modern day remake of The Incredible Hulk,

you know, with Eric Banner. It's not even that modern now, it's a while ago. But I remember going along to it because he's good in other stuff and I was a big fan of the old Hulk, Lou Ferrigno and Dr David Banner. Well, did they only pick Eric because of his surname? Maybe. He's got a lot of determinism. and Dr. David Banner. Well, did they only pick Eric because of his surname? Maybe. Dominative determinism. Maybe. Dr. David Banner is the Hulk. But then they went and spoiled it by

having a lot of CGI when he was the Hulk. Whereas what you really want is somebody like Lou Ferrigno, like a Mr. Universe type, 6 foot 5 deaf. Definitely. Andre the Giant. He's your ideal. That sort of guy. Painted green, of guy painted green like visible

painted green you know Frank and I are big fans of the the frayed jean work of the Hulk did they have the

frayed jean I think they did but again it looked a little bit cartoony rather than kind of well I don't mind that he's a comic book character

intact button I believe if I remember rightly I think he went for elastication I think he went for elastication i am i think he was called bruce banner in the comics bruce banner and then they changed it oh to dr david banner yeah i think in my childhood the series starring bill bixby they changed it to dr david banner that's right what an odd change it's like like the Elephant Man. They call him John Merrick.

That's right. And he was actually called Joseph. What kind of a change is that? Weird. If I'm going to do an edit on the Elephant Man, I'm not going to start with the name. Also, I might branch out a bit. Yeah, but we're thinking, oh, no, we can't have him called John.

Or Joseph, rather. Keep the initials the same, because he's got, like, a hand we can't have him called John. Keep the initials the same, because he's got, like, a handkerchief with his initials on. A bag. Joseph, no-one's going to believe that. Weird. I can't get it. We're lucky they didn't change it to the Rhino Man or something.

Like that Spearmint Rhino Man. Yeah, that would have been terrible. So I'll tell you what I caught a little of. The Grammys. Oh, the Grammys. One of your heroes was at the Grammys, but we'll get to that. What, Cee-lo? He's not called Cee-lo anymore, Frank.

He's called everything, isn't he? What's he called, Frank? In case you don't know, one of my slight obsessions is Gunals Barkley. Who I always thought was a band, but really it's Cee-Lo Green's alter ego. Yes. Now he's... He hasn't exactly... Well, he has changed, but it's a development.

I mean, it's quite dramatic. No, but best of all... Makeover. What I'm delighted to hear about Cee-Lo is he likes a pond. Yes. Because he's now calling himself Gnarly Davidson. Gnarly Davidson. Gnarly.

You could say. He arrived on a Gnarly Davidson. Oh, did he? Yes. It's one of the greatest pictures I've ever seen. Has he got sponsorship? I wonder if he's doing it hoping for freebies. He wants a bike.

How much are these bikes? They're expensive, but he's not short. I was thinking about it just the other day when I arrived at an awards do in my alter ego, Alan Brugini.

Ah, yeah. Just saying. And I arrived in my alter ego, Alan Brugini. Ah, yeah. Good. Just saying. Just saying. And I arrived as... Here we go. Frank Andrews liver salts. Hyphenated, obviously. Are you one of the Berkshire liver salts?

I am, sir. We should have said, in case... We should have said, in case... We should have said... I've gone a bit Italian. Joe Dolce. Is this lovely? What's the matter, you?

Got no respect? That's what they should have said when CeeLo turned up. Oh, why you look so sad? Yeah. He had two outfits at the... No, the day before the Grammys. Did you see that outfit? Was that the gold outfit?

No. No, it was the black one, wasn't it? There was a Darth Vader outfit. Oh, yes, I liked that one. Yeah. Well, we say Darth Vader. It was essentially a black zip-up tunic. The sort of thing your mum makes.

No, but did he have, like, a shiny dome thing or what? He had. Just his head. Like a strange sort of pit and helmet thing going on. A cuter head. Yeah. It looked great. But he's got LED lights in his head? Like a strange sort of pit and helmet thing going on. A pewter head. Yeah, great. But he's got LED lights in his head now. I mean, is that a permanent thing?

I love it. See, now, he's such an eccentric. You think? I think he is. I like that. But the gold suit. Well, I mean, don't get me started on the gold. There's so much to discuss.

He looked like, you know when people talk about the love child of something because it's a cross of two things? It looks like the love child of Gru from Despicable Me and the World Cup. If they'd got together and practised something illegitimate, that is what would have come out. Now, Cee-lo. He's not here, is he?

We're saying a gold suit, Al. It was actually a tunic. Yes. It was, yeah. He didn't go, I thought he might, you know, get a waistcoat out. No, no, it was a tunic. Which is why I had a sort of emperor ming at a wedding. Well, he was a rectangle with his round hair coming up the top.

And I did think of you, Al, because I know often you're quite obsessed with the shoe, the footwear under the fancy dress. I'm interested, yeah. Gold spray paint Reebok? Do you think that's what it was? I wish he'd gone for a black slip-on like people do in fancy dress. Not gone the whole haul.

It's interesting because Rihanna was photographed with a bejeweled hip flask. And he looked a bit like a hip flask in that tunic. Because he was like a rectangle with his swigging neck on the top. He had a rounded collar. Yeah. And a little popper on the side. Do you know much about Cee-Lo the man? Do any of us know much about Cee-Lo?

Is he called Cee-lo? Is it like J-lo? Is his name... Christopher Lowe or something? Yeah, Cecil London. I'd be very delighted to find you as called Cecil London. I mean, he is a man of many a nonderplume, isn't he? We've got Cee-lo Green, Gnarls Barkley, Gnarly Dick.

Do you think he's signing on? That's what I'm wondering. Maybe he's known locally for having a very low ceiling. That's how it started. That's why he has to wear that dome. He's banging his head on the light fittings. He made a statement. Did you read his statement? I should hope he did. He said, look at me, look at me.

You did this to me, CeeLo Green. You, category C swear word, idiot. But I like it. I'm actually better than you, than everyone. A kamikaze upon you. Vengeance is mine, saith Gnarly Davidson. P.S. Technola Jesus saves.

Saves. Jesus saves. Technola Jesus saves.S. Technology Jesus saves Technology Jesus saves Well you follow the Nazarene you're like that I'm not following Cee Lo Green The man's talking gibberish What's wrong with him? I think it's like Shirley Eaton in Goldfinger He hasn't left a space for his skin to breathe

I was worried about that He's painted himself gold and now he's gone to his brain. Oh dear. Do you know what I thought let him down? What? The gloves. They were very joke shop quality. Oh really? You know when you get it in the packet and it's designed for one wear only.

I didn't like the gloves. No. They're very threadbare. But I did like the pon. Gnarly Davidson. Yeah that is good. What he should have done, he should have worn a false belly and called himself Beyonce Gnarls. I'm not sure he would have needed to wear the false belly. I was just thinking he doesn't need the false belly. I think he's doing fine.

In fact, I think he might be doing quite a good job of making the best of what he's got, as it were. Like, if you're Cee-Lo Green... Really? If you're Cee-Lo Green and you have to go somewhere as fancy dress... You call him Cee-Lo... I call him Sir Walter Gnarly. Gnarly Edmonds, I call him.

When he's going fancy dress, he sort of has to go, you know, weird creature from Star Wars bar kind of thing because, you know, handsome leading man is a bit too much of a jump if you if you're saying his fear of getting into the traditional tux i wonder made to put on some outfit that looks like a mother of the bride at dictator's wedding makes him look like a

pepper pot in some way yeah yeah but that's no bad thing but he's still he's still done the classic celebrity thing i hear of writing a children's book. He has. Even he. Here we go. He's called himself Roald Nahl. Frank Skinner on the radio. So, we're at the Grammys.

There's an excellent... She's a lovely old lady. There's an excellent photograph from the Grammys um of adele standing next to jay-z in in the newspaper and adele's in quite a beautiful sort of green ball gown lovely jay-z is in a sort of a blue tux and underneath in i think it was the daily mail it said adele brackets left close brackets and Jersey so I was reading it going Adele and Jersey, which is which?

Isn't that wonderful? I'd fancy my chances in an identity parade If Adele had broken into my house the night before I reckon I'd spot her No Cee-lo in the picture No Cee-lo Again, I fancy my chances of identifying Cee-lo.

I think he was getting changed into one of his other characters. He was schritzing under that gold make-up. Is he? Oh, it was all coming through. Well, did you make the whole Adele thing? I'm not so sure. You know, I can't possibly accept this award. We should say what it was.

She got, was it five awards? Yes. And then she broke one in two to give to Beyonce. Well, they say that was a happy accident. Do they? That she didn't physically break into. Apparently from, in the film Mean Girls. All right.

Yes. Some girl wins. Lindsay Lohan. Oh, it's, oh, God, I'm losing track of her career. Sorry, Mean Girls correspondence. Is it Lindsay Lohan? Thank you. She breaks up a tiara and gives it to all the other girls

in the beauty pageant to show that we're all winners. Oh, OK. That's what Frank did with the Sony Award. I know you didn't. I didn't actually do that. But, you know, you can have number eight. You did with your love. My love?

Yeah. Well, I felt you did it in a loving way. Yes, I did, yes. She had love. I wonder what you were hinting at. So suspicious. Sorry, Kim. Well, this was the thing.

I mean, she's a mega talent, Adele. Does she do live? Two big occasions now. She's had the high-profile live song. One, if you remember, a microphone fell on the piano strings. Oh, yeah. And now... She stopped the performance and she said,

Sorry, Ken. The George Michael tribute. She turned out to be car crash television. Yeah. She said, sorry, Ken. She did? I don't know who Ken is. She said, sorry, Ken. She did? I don't know who Ken is. I'm hoping that Ken Livingstone is working as her sound engineer.

I'd love to hear that. I can't let him down. I've got to do this. Is that what she said? Yeah. She said... She's become very intense. Yeah.

Has she? I don't know. But that's twice... You know, I've been on a few shows where they have a band come on at the end or a performer. You know, do a number. Yeah. Big name bands. They always have to do it two or three times.

Really? I mean, what's going on? So, I did think, what would happen if you and Alan tried that approach? Let's say you did your first five. Wasn't going well, and you suddenly said, look, I'm sorry, I've got to start again, I can't mess this up for him. I've got to get this right, and then did the same jokes again.

Yeah. I mean, how would that work? Well, what you're describing there is an anxiety dream that I have at least once every three weeks. Has a comic ever done that, do you think? Just started from scratch? What would happen if you did? I did see it happen once.

One of arguably the funniest man I've ever known was a man called Roger Mann. And he, I saw him do a gig at a place called the Egg Club. And he did his opening bit. And if you can imagine the antithesis of warm-up, it was that. It went very badly. But as the night, because he was a more challenging type of stand-up, he didn't go down to them like I did.

He raised them up to a strange place. But they started to warm to him later on. And so he said, oh, he didn't like me before. And then he did his first routine again because he thought now he'd won them over. And you know the phrase, deja vu. Yeah, so he just, that bit died again. But such was the level of his comedy courage, might I say.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about the Grammys. And Adele snapping the award was a happy accident, they claimed, which I'm glad to hear, because I think if she was doing it as a sort of a piece of kind of bravado of, oh, I don't deserve this award, but I'm going to give half of it away, I worry about moments like that. Because what if she'd tried to snap it and then just, like, it bent

and it's actually made a slightly firmer metal and then she just gets bogged down in one of those long twists. And also, does it have a His Master's Voice gramophone on this? Is that what... Well, how did she break... did she break the bass off the Well this is what I'm thinking. And who gets what part? I don't think it's Beyonce that took a wooden plinth

I mean the thing is I'm going to say something very unpopular here There was a plinth tribute I've heard that's what Chris Eubank told me This Beyonce thing I find it a bit over the top I mean I know you're not allowed to say this And already I can feel the tension in this room with these women

But, she's okay That's me and you that she's talking about there, Frank She's okay, isn't she? She's fine She's alright She's had a few good, you know, I love that crazy in love one a few years ago Yeah, I like all the single ladies, I like that That's good But it's like this

I like all the single ladies I know, but it's over the top now. But what happens on tour stays on tour, yeah? It's over the top, this lemonade one, which was basically saying, you know, I know you're to a cheater. Did it have any sterilised milk in it? It was about how you should stay with a cheater.

Was it? Yes. Was it? Who wrote it, Tarzan? Yeah, the same old excuse. I know you love me. OK, you can come back. We'll try again.

You know, he's waited a long time to be in the charts, Cheetah. Finally had his moment. Anyway, she's great. That was from Tarzan and the Re-Grafted Relationship. It's a beautiful film. I cried. Didn't like the remake though, did we? Oh, no. No, it didn't work with the rhino.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. She said, Adele, I want you to be my mommy. And she said, I love you. I mean, calm down, everyone. We've all got, you know, we're all fans of people, but, you know, she's not Gandhi. Let's face it. She's not who?

Gandhi. I thought that's what you'd said. Yeah, no, she's not. It was just a bit too heartfelt. She's not even'd said. Yeah, no, it was just a bit too heartfelt. She's not even David Garndy. No, no. It was too heartfelt for me. I mean, you know, to be honest,

if you're going to have gone to my head, do I think either of them made the album of the year? Almost certainly not. Who would you give it to? I think probably PJ Harvey. OK. Oh, yes, you like that one, Frank. Oh, yes. But, you know, they don't get the awards, those sort of people. They like the easy access. Anyway, it was so heartfelt. You know, you've changed my life. You know, you've empowered all my, et cetera. And there was a, I did think think you know and i i respect adele i saw the dancing live at the

brits last year and she's you know she's very it's not my cup of char but very talented but um i do wish when she was doing that heart i love you i love you you're my life all my friends love you that you'd cut to the woman she's talking to and she'd have said, I'm Fleur East. Beyonce's sitting over there. That would have been such a great moment. Oh, you couldn't come back from that, could you? No. That would have been microphone on the piano strings times ten.

Yeah. I'm Fleur East. Eh? I said I'm Fleur East, you know, from X Factor. Anyway, it was a strange night. What about Chance the Rapper? I said I'm Fleur East, you know, from X Factor. Anyway, it was a strange night. What about Chance the Rapper? I like Chance. Are you familiar with his work?

I'm not massively. Is it Colouring Book, the album? We're asking our young representative. They know these things. He follows the Nazarene. He does. Does he? Does he follow the Nazarene?

He clumsily speaks, glory be to God, let's go. Glory be to God. more infantilising. He follows the Nazarene. He does. Does he? Does he follow the Nazarene? He closed his speech, glory be to God, let's go. Glory be to God. He did. Did he mean let's go, though? Was he putting his coat on at that point? I think he was off to the promised land.

He was, yeah. He might have been going to visit the Balm in Gilead. He claimed this victory in the name of the Lord. There you go, fair enough. He's my kind of guy, Chance He didn't put it down to Chance No He put it down to divine intervention

I respect him for that I might have a listen to his album What's it called, Sarah? Colouring Book Oh yes, Colouring Book Bieber's on it, Frank Is he? Bieber

And Kanye All your friends God, they love it, they love it Feet Oh, they love it. Feet. Oh, they love feet. Feet, Justin Bieber. Feet, Kanye West. Feet, feet, feet.

Too much. Too crowded in there. Imagine if Cee-Lo was in there as well. Too many feet. I was not room for Cee-Lo. Should we sing in that gold tunic? Be like the Blitz. Be like in the underground on the Blitz.

Cee-Lo in there. Yeah. Unexploded Bob is what he looked like on that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not.

There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, yeah. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Don't text us today. We're not here. We're recording. We're actually broadcasting from Johannesburg. We're phoning it in, aren't we? But we're not really. It's a pre-record. I apologise.

But I'll tell you what did happen this week. Oh, yeah. Valentine's Day. Oh I'll tell you what did happen this week. Oh, yeah. Valentine's Day. Oh, what did you do? Well, it was interesting. I did perhaps the most uniquely Valentine's Day thing I think I've ever done. Red roses? Well, I certainly did that, but not...

I'll tell you what's happened. Kath has started getting me a dozen red roses as well. That's nice, though. I think ladies should get roses for the maid. It's simply, oh, we've got a house. We can't move for roses in our house. Big house, though, isn't it? Just having them in every room.

She bought me a card. This is how I got my one-offmanship. We were level after the rose count. Yeah. Same number each. She bought me a card. I made her a card. Nice.

Good work. I win. Had you forgotten? Is that what happened? No, I've really got into... On the evening of the 13th, you hastily cobbled this together. I did one of my drawings.

To be honest, I've watched my child now. We had visitors come in the weekend and he said, I'll make him a card, and he just does it. And I thought, that's the way to do it, isn't it? Make art part of your everyday life. Well, he knows it's a crowd pleaser as well. Oh, God, you can't go wrong. Whereas a fan with adults, people can be quite critical.

But no, the uniquely and quintessential, in a way, alternative Valentine's Day activities. We went out for a lovely meal, but on the way, we stopped off at the hospital reception to drop off Kat's heart monitor. So she was actually wearing a heart monitor on Valentine's Day. Turns out, she has got one. That's good.

What a fool I've made of myself. I made a stance on that, but now the evidence... No, we... Yeah, she's all right, so don't worry. I know a lot of you at home were on the edge of your beanbags. I should think. Yeah. What's the edge to a beanbag?

It depends how it's sitting. You can get an outer ridge on it, not unlike the Cornish pasty handle. Well, if they're taut as well... No one's taut nowadays, let's face it. Like the dogs we were discussing. Then they can be, but if there's just, you know, the white polystyrene balls,

those ones are slightly different. I love a beanbag. If it was up to me, I wouldn't have any conventional furniture in our house. I'd just have the bags. We've got a big beanbag in the kitchen. Lovely. You're a big Chesterfield fan as well.

I like a Chesterfield, but no. Yeah, exactly. Lovely place, Chesterfield, but no. I thought it was West Brom. Yeah, exactly. Lovely place, Chesterfield. Have you been there? Probably. Lovely tea rooms. So we went to quite a nice restaurant. In fact, it was so classy. What about this? A waiter

dropped an enormous tray of food and drinks and nobody applauded or cheered. I mean, that is sophistication gone crazy. Silence. But it was lovely. I like a Valentine's

Day. It's just a little opportunity, isn't it? Show you care, Frank. I'm guessing Al did buy a car. Yeah, we've never really done that. When you say we, did you say, I'm not having Valentine's Day in this house?

Yeah, something like that. If you want. I'm having nowt to do with it. No. I said, see all here, all say nowt. Love all, love nowt. Yeah, that's how I'm feeling it's going. Well, I like it. I can't wait till

next year. That isn't strictly true. At my age, that would be a reckless state of affairs. What's new? Well, more appropriately, what's old? Come on. How dare you?

Dave. Dave Mitchell, 49, is... Not old. ...is in the papers boasting, I'm going to say it boasting, that his Nokia 3310 mobile phone is the oldest in use in Britain. I don't know how he's checked this. Remember them? 17 years old. I don't know how he's checked this. Remember them? 17 years old.

I don't. And since 2000. Is that a sort of... When I say the 3310 Nokia, do you think, oh, that was to the day? I immediately remember which one that is. 3310, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like the Motorola Flip. Yeah? No? Not the Flip. Just me, then. It's not a catchy title, is it? What, 3310? The 3310?

Yeah. You had a 3310, I remember. I did have a 3310. Last year, I think. I didn't know it was called a 3310. Have you been calling it the 3310? No, I think I used to call it my phone. Who cares about...

I mean, that's for the factory people. You were one of them at one stage, didn't you? I'm assuming. Who cares about... I mean, that's for the factory people. The code numbers. You were one of them at one stage. I know, but I mean, it's like, where did you put the 3310s, Carl? They're on that pallet over there. It's not for the user. Who cares what the numbers are?

What I enjoy about... They say your phone number. Very good at recreating dialogue, isn't it? I mean, that was excellent. But that's not what people mean when they say phone number. They mean like... No, you're right. Who cares? No, but what I liked about this number. They mean like... No, you're right. Who cares?

No, but what I liked about this story was that Dave Mitchell, comma, 49. Yeah. There's a photograph that has been taken of him in order to illustrate how antiquated his phone is. And in order to do this, they've shown him holding up his phone next to an iPhone, scratching his head. In a sort of silent movie approach to acting.

I love that. It's like surprise, shock, confusion. He's only got the five emotions. But I like that. It's always been one of my favourite things. In local press they used to do it a lot. Just assume that people can't read or haven't got time to. So the one that always sticks in

my mind was that a bloke was leaving a tube factory after 50 years or whatever. And they had a picture of him and he was standing outside a factory holding up a tube. And then there was a group of people waving to him. I mean, all right, we get it. We get what happened in that bloke's life. This is, can I tell you something? This reminds me of, I interviewed the well-known,

popular comedian and singer Max Bygraves, no longer with us. Oh, yeah. And, ironically, I suppose that's

nominative determinism. And, he said, look, Frank, I've written a few kegs, if you just give me the feed lines. And I said, look, Frank, I've written a few kegs. If you just give me the feed lines. And I said, OK.

So it was his birthday. He was 80 or something. Was this on your chat show? Yeah. And I tell you what it was. Do you remember when Judy Finnegan's top fell down at some award ceremony and revealed a big white brassiere? Yes.

Well, it was just after that, so Max obviously thought he'd do a bit of topical stuff. So he said, I got a present from that, and I'm on the edge of my seat trying to feed him the thing. Because I said, what did you get for your birthday, Max? This is a handwritten script. I've still got it. Blue Byra.

Lined paper. God love him. And he said, I got a present from that Judith Finnegan, as no one's ever called her before. He said, she bought me two of those, and I said, mobile phones? As if I could have possibly guessed that in a million years. Like a Darren Brown shirt. He said, yes, you brought me two.

What a lovely pair of Nokias, he said. And that was his gag. And another one he did, he said, I got a comb from William Hague. Right. Because William Hague is bald. Famously, hadn't had their transplant, yeah. But, I mean, you can get a,

it's all right to get a comb from someone who's bald. They're not giving you their comb. They're not really gifting. Yeah. You just go to a shop. This is what I should have said. But, Max, the thing is with that. I'm so glad you didn't.

The thing is with that, man, is, you know, I mean, I don't drive a motorbike, but I could buy you one. Yes. No, but I'm just saying, no, no, no, but listen, bear me a, hear me out. So a bald man could go and buy a comb. Yes, but I mean, no, no, no, listen, you know, there wouldn't be any restriction. I should have done that.

No, you shouldn't have. He may have fallen to his knees in tears. And looking back, it would have been great television. It would, yeah. Anyway, God bless him. Another thing he said, this character... Max Bygraves. No, Dave, what did he used to say?

I want to tell you a story. He did, yeah. Oh, yeah. And did he? He told a story. There were basic narratives. OK. Dave Mitchell.

Dave Mitchell, 49. Oh, yeah. He uses the word, and I don't think the word means what he thinks it means. Oh, really? Because he says at one point he likes playing Snake on the phone. Yeah. Snake 2, I think he likes.

Oh, does he? Okay. I don't remember. This is another sequel in which the snake talks. I think Michael J. Fox does that. Snake's on the phone. I think Michael J. Fox does that. Snakes on the phone. The less successful sequel. I'm not familiar with either snake or its sequel.

You didn't play Snake? No, I don't know. What is it? Well, this was a feature of the Nokia 3310 that some people did not know about. So some people like yourself had that phone and, ever knew the joys of playing Snake. I didn't know it was on there. It was really a trailblazer in phone-based gaming. It was like Tetris.

I thought it was the sequel to that big Adam and Eve movie they made in the 80s, Snake 2. Yeah, Snake was popular, wasn't it? It was. Can you give me, is it possible to paint a brief picture of what happened? Was there a snake? There was a snake. Alan, what happens? Like, there's a narrative attached to it.

If you imagine your phone screen with the numbers. I can imagine that. So the top, middle, right, bottom and left. I'm worried now that people at home are switching off. They would be your directions for the snake. So, for example, if you wanted the snake to go right, you would press number three. What was its preferred destination? What was it after?

It would just keep going forward. What does the snake want? What it doesn't want, Frank, in the game, it doesn't want to eat itself. So you have to turn the snake around and it would travel. You have to stop it eating itself. And it gets bigger as it's going around. That's what happened to your dad.

Haven't you read my book, Pop Will Eat Itself? Oh, very good. No, I've never heard of Snake. Fun game, fun game. Well, the thing is, he says his needs are basic. I like that. And he likes playing Snake. I like that.

He's bored. I think he meant the phone. Yeah. He said, though, at that point, he then said, this phone is made of kryptonite yes and he took that to mean it's very strong indestructible but i think kryptonite is an achilles heel it means a weakness because the only people that get affected by kryptonite is a very small demographic it's people from the planet krypton yes so it doesn't mean it's strong

no if you say that's my kryptonite you mean that's my weakness it's a good question that whether because the people from krypton because of the red sun that they grow up under when they're under the yellow sun of earth they develop superpowers but you'd think that the rock from krypton would also

become unbreakable but there's lots of examples of people making like kryptonite arrowheads and kryptonite bullets and stuff so become unbreakable. But there's lots of examples of people making, like, kryptonite arrowheads and kryptonite bullets and stuff. I would say when someone says kryptonite, it's my kryptonite, I see that as a weakness. Yes. Thank you. It's like a bit of my nemesis.

Goodness, I'm here. I tell you what I was worried about. You know the comedy photos you're talking about with him scratching his head and pulling a face and showing his old phone? Yeah. I didn't like that because... I don't know if you noticed it.

They're monumental masons, Dave. Noticed it? It was all over their polo shirts, which were right in the forefront of the picture. But more worryingly, there was a work-in-progress tombstone behind them. Was there? Which you could clearly read the names of the dead on it.

Spoiler alert. And I thought... Is that the problem? I mean, I love a bit of context in any press picture, but I just thought if these were my family, I don't know if I'd want them as a comedy backdrop. No. Monumental masons since 1843.

Yes. Oh, he had a digital clock on his phone. Yeah, it was, I wish that, just put a cover over the stones. That's next time, next time the press around. I'm sure they'll be back. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I will say this, I do have a slight suspicion about this Nokia 3310 story because no sooner was Dave Mitchell 49

in the press saying that his phone has lasted him 17 years yeah but now i'm hearing from my sources as they said on the news i'm hearing that uh nokia are considering re-releasing the 3310 like a basic phone it's just a phone yeah no emails too much of a coincidence you think snake 2 Snake 2? Will it still be Snake 2? Maybe it'll be Snake 47 or whatever it is. What else do you get on it? Texts? I think so, yeah.

Is it a calculator? Snake 2? Oh, yeah, you always get a calculator. I don't think I could live without a calculator. I mean, could you go back... I've used one about five times since I've had a smartphone. Could you go back to predictive text, though, after the iPhone or whatever system you're on?

It's going to cost £50. What, it's a text? No. It's the first one. Yeah. It's cheap, though. I thought about the calculator recently. I just looked at it,

because I was getting rid of some apps, and you know those ones that you can't get rid of, they just live on the phone. Yeah. They're sort of internal. Yes. They've got squatter's rights. Yeah.

Yes. And one of them was the calculator. And I thought, I haven't used that for ages. Was that for a newsstand? Never use newsstands. Oh, I've got ideas. Oh, do you like newsstands? Yeah, I've got a Times Literary Supplement is one of mine.

Oh, lovely for newsstands. It's quite 1950s. I like it. And Poetry Magazine, which you never heard of. You know, get your poetry magazine. No one ever did that. No, not at all. But I looked at my calculator,

and my previous calculation was still on it. The answer, 231. 231. I dated a bit. Doesn't it just? I wonder what I was working out of no idea. 231. Hang on, we're going back to Aladdin.

Just give me a second. 231. I think you're adding going back to Aladdin. Just give me a second. 231. I think you're adding 230 and 1. And 1, yes. Yeah, that's my guess. But I must have been calculating something in my life. What was he working out for 231? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, just email us the answer. No, no, I don't know what it was. But it did make me think I'd never, ever, ever use. I'll tell you what my problem is with this. I mean, I like the idea that it might be the rebooting of civilisation, getting rid of the smartphone. Yes. Again, the zombie children we mentioned earlier might be slightly closed.

I can't believe they're going to get lost in the world of Snake 2. No. No. You never know. Here's the thing I Snake 2. No. No. You never know. Here's the thing I saw on the train. I saw earlier a millennial making calls on a phone. I didn't think that they did that. Oh, they don't do that often.

I very rarely make calls on my phone. What about when you ring one of the millennials on the show and they don't answer? They think that's weird. This girl made like three or four consecutive calls using her phone. Maybe that's the next thing. What about when people switch medium now, when you phone someone and they text you back?

I mean, what a slap in the face that is. I'll tell you what that is as well. What about when they ring you, and then they text you afterwards, but sometimes I think they're checking up on you as well. Have you ever had when they text you, you don't answer, you don't respond, sorry, and then they ring you? I've had that. Oh, have you ever had when they text you you don't answer, you don't respond sorry and then they ring you

I've had that I do do a bit of call screening and then text saying I'm on the quiet coach can't really take your call right now I do a bit of that and do you do it only when you're on the quiet coach yes I've called you out

that is so... Now, I'm wondering, has he done that to me? Yeah. We're talking about Dave Mitchell, 49, and his old school phone. I hope he's not sensitive about his age. Nokia 3310. And I was thinking about this, because I think I'm more old school than new school, except one of the things about the mobile phone nowadays that I really like is getting emails.

But I've recently changed car. I bought my mother-in-law's 11 year old saloon car Swing indoors? What? Swing indoors? I always felt saloon cars should have swing indoors and a pianist Yeah? No not quite but it is old school like if a kid drew a car

it would have like a boot and a bonnet, do you know what I mean? Like it's not an estate or a hatchback It's 11 years old now No hatchback. It's an old car. I don't think it is. Has she got the old one then? She's upgraded her car and I've always admired her car so I bought it off her.

It has a six CD multi-changer. Oh, I had one of those in my last car. I had one of those. You have to think ahead though. It's terrible when you think of a bit of Buddy Holly and I had one of those. You have to think ahead, though. It's terrible when you think, oh, I'd love a bit of Buddy Holly. You haven't loaded him. Exactly.

Although it's not in the boot. It's in the front. The six CD multi-changer's right there. Oh, mine, you see, mine was in the boot. Front-loading. Front-loading. But it hasn't got... Now I've just got Bluetooth telephony.

This is exactly what I mean. I'm old school because I'm listening to actual CDs, and I actually bought some old school house music on CD the other day, like, you know, Frankie Knuckles and old school, like, club anthems. Frankie Knuckles, I forgot about him. To play on my old school CD. Do you know Frankie Knuckles? Thanks for the tip.

There was a strange moment when I drove the car and I went back to my in-law's house and because I've been listening to podcasts on my previous vehicle using an AUX cable you know the AUX? Hashtag AUX Well this was the odd moment I said to my wife it hasn't got

AUX meaning AUX the cable and what did she say? She heard it hasn't got AUX A-W-K-S and her cousin who was visiting thought I was talking about AUX O-W-K-S, and her cousin who was visiting thought I was talking about Orks, O-R-K-S. Oh, I know an Ork. Why would I come back having test-driven an 11-year-old car and gone, oh, there's no Orks in there?

Orks are like those fantasy creatures. I thought you were going to say something like, say, for example, it hadn't got ears. Yeah. And your visiting relative also hadn't got ears. And you walked in, having not seen him, and said, it hasn't got any orcs. I thought that's what you...

That would have made slightly more sense. Yeah, because he wouldn't have heard you anyway, so it doesn't matter. What's he going to hear? So that horrible pink hole thing at the side of his head. Oh, yeah. It's almost covered by sideburn. He's not helping himself.

That is the joy of him. How do you listen to your music, Frank? I play CDs in the car. Oh, do you? Yeah. I find that the... No Apple Music for you? Well, I've got the...

I can sort of plug my phone in, but it seems a bit hit and miss. Does it? It's all right. I like the big Finnish CDs on the long drive. Yeah. The sixth Doctor I'm ploughing into at the moment. That's rough.

You heard it here, folks. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. I like a bit of old school. I follow the Nazarene. That is old school. Who I think does.

I predate the Nokia 3310. Marginally, yeah. You and the older. Snake 1. Yeah. Yeah, and I like the handkerchief. The hard copy handkerchief. I love a hanky.

Yeah. For my recent birthday, I had nine different, no, ten. Ten different handkerchiefs bought me. You're kidding. From different individuals? Yeah. Well, they're going to be listening now. Wow.

Sorry if you doubled up, loves. No, no, they're all different designs. One of them's got a Cyberman on it. Imagine it. I mean, how are you going to use... Well, you can never have enough hankies. That's the point, I suppose. No, I think you can. I think you can. I think nine, ten...

No, Frankie Knuckles. He gets half a dozen a week. No, I... Dean Martin and the Rat Pack, they loved a hanky in the pocket. No, I like... That's a lot. Keep it real with... You know you're going to have to knock them together and do a magic act. That's the only way to do it. No one has ever bought me tissues

Ever I mean what kind of a present would that be Somebody said I've got you a nice packet of Andrex I'd say I'm Catholic And they'd say no Andrex It's not a nice price No I've been bought

I don't know if I can be considered acceptable I've been bought feminine hygiene don't know if I can be considered acceptable, I've been bought feminine hygiene products. As a gift for a birthday? Yes, yeah. Amongst other things. Oh, my goodness. Amongst other things. Really?

Yes. I bet there were strings attached. I don't think, this is as low as we've ever got, maybe. No, no, I don't think it is. Why should it be? We're fighting for sisters, and sisters are doing it for themselves. We're allowed to talk about it. Yes.

Yes, exactly. These things happen. We don't think we can get more old school than this. I'll tell you what, I'm also old school in that I don't use a hairdryer. I use a towel turban. Oh, I love a towel turban. Do you like a towel turban? I think the turban generally, I used to like,

when you get those Hollywood beauties and they've got the turban with a small jewel at the front. I've seen them with plumage. I mean, those ones, when you get plumage. I'll keep that turban on for two to three hours. It looks, my favourite picture of my partner is her sitting with an enormous

white towel turban reading Roald Dahl short stories. That's lovely. I like the sound of that. It's got everything. Yeah. It's got it all,

Frank. Yeah. It is, though. I don't know why women don't go out in them. I mean, you can keep your Dysons. Um,

yes, exactly. Yeah. Trying to work out where that came in, but yes. I thought you were casting a slur on the West Bromwich Albion defender. No, I think it's about the hairdryers. Yeah. Towel versus hairdryer.

I haven't used a hairdryer. I've used one on my trousers. I haven't used one on my hair. Why? Well, if you're going out, you wear a light-coloured trousers sometimes. Yes, I understand. You know, the birthmark, as we used to call it in the old days. Sorry, Ken.

Anyway, I think we've reached that stage known as, what do they call it, the end, I think, in radio. Sure. Radio parlance. Really? Radio Parlance would be a very old-fashioned, old-school station. Anyway, hopefully hosted by Ray Parlance. He needs the money.

Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back live next week. OK, so bring on the feathers. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.