The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - What Would Frank Skinner Do?

Episode Date: September 26, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has more taxi tales and plays his new version of 'Happy Birthday'. The team talk Pope and President, happy places and David Baddiel and Morwenna Banks are in the studio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 8 12 15. You can follow our show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email our show via the Absolute Radio website. I love the way

you elongate our. Well it is our show but when I say our I speak for everyone listening as well. What? Do you see? They're all owning it now. Well yeah. I mean they're not getting any money out of it but you know what I mean. I feel they have a certain ownership. They're not the only ones.

Let's be honest. People don't come to radio for the money. They come to laugh. of it but you know what i mean i feel they have a certain ownership they're not the only ones people don't come to radio for the money to laugh so i am i i came into the show this morning i was picked up um by um there was just a big a big like a truck outside my house you're brought in by a truck it was it, the eight-seater? You were brought in by a truck? It was an eight-seater. Oh, nice. I don't know what you'd call it. Yeah, but I guess it was in the back. What we would call a minibus, and they still call it that.

You can if you want, yeah. People carrier, that's another word that people use. So there was like... MPV, multiple person vehicle, I think. Were you on an episode of Coach Trip

without realising it? Well, if I was, no one else was on it. It was just me on the back. I felt like Ian Lavender going to a Dad's Army reunion. It was just weird being the only one in the back.

I love what I call a boy's own bus. It was spacious. I sneezed at one point and the driver went, bless you, and I forgot he was here. He was so far away. Voice came from anywhere, that was an exciting time. Did you not ask him what it was? What kind of car?

No. Why would I ask him that? Because you got in it thinking, I've never been in one of these before, so surely you say, what kind of car is this, mate? Or what are you driving these days? Well, I thought you'd say that because you're Alan Partridge. Yeah, I think I am, yeah. No, I wouldn't say that. I thought we might be picking up other people on the way did you bring us all in it was a new cost saving initiative and you had to go to buy a me and alan in lancaster that would be quite nice though yeah and then we're gonna have a little chat on the way

in and stuff start with the bands couldn't we oh god we could have got it we could start with the bants, couldn't we? Oh, God, the mega bants. We could have got it. Mega bants. We could have had mega bants and still a spare seat. And mega lols. Yeah, hopefully mega lols. My driver this morning called you, I love it when we talk about my driver, but my driver this morning called you a ledge, Frank. Oh, OK.

He said he's a ledge. And then he said he didn't know what a podcast was, so I had to explain. OK, okay. He said he's a ledge. And then he said he didn't know what a podcast was, so I had to explain. Okay. Yeah. Um, and then... I wonder if there's someone who's absolutely... You know these, like, revolutionary plastic windows that

were invented? Mm. Where, you know, you could put them in the houses and they don't rot and they're cheaper than wood. The person who invented that, in the industry, is he known as a window ledge? Brilliant. Very good. Do you think? That's a possibility. But I'll tell you, now here's the thing.

Here's a funny thing. Here is a funny thing. This is what, I don't know if the youth will be able to identify with this, but I had a really exciting moment when I got to the Absolute Radio studios because I take the stairs. You know, I think in life you should take the stairs if you can. You know, a little bit of fitness training. Come on, that's Frank's exercise.

Yeah, I'll be working out. Yeah, but do you take the stairs or the lift? What do you think? Have you seen me recently? Of course I take the lift. OK. Well, I take the stairs. And what was brilliant is I thought, oh, this is the second floor coming up. It was the third floor. Can you imagine the thrill of that? Can you imagine how good that felt?

Yeah. Honestly, it felt like someone had given me £1,000. And I don't mean in a brown envelope. Because it was the third floor. Yeah, I mean that they'd given me £1,000. And I don't mean in a brown envelope. Because it was the third floor. Yeah, I mean that they'd given me £1,000 in like a little display case. You know when it's splayed out into like a fan? Yeah, yeah. That kind

of handover of £1,000. It's lovely. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Absolute Radio. We've had a text and you're helping people in their life, Frank. Am I? Yeah. We've had a text from 575 who says, Hey Breakfast Club, which I think is our new gang nickname. Yeah, that was that popular Brat Pack movie, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. We guys were just like that, aren't we?

We are. I can't remember what it was like. No. What, Breakfast Club? Oh, I loved it. Hey Breakfast Club, this is a little unrelated to any previous textings, but this week I went on a date for the first time in three years. Whilst waiting for the lovely lady

to turn up, the nerves kicked in. Dot, dot, dot. After moments of panicking, I honestly said to myself out loud, what would Frank Skinner do? I don't think we want to answer that question. Well, he seems to think it went well. He woke up on a central reservation.

He just got the era wrong. No, needless to say we already have the next date booked. Oh, thanks. It's a civic duty you're doing for the... Wow. What would I do? I think you went on the date and you were a laugh and

you've won another date. That's what I'm extrapolating from that. I don't know, I'm very busy this week. I think by what would Frank Skinner do, it would mean very funny and very authentic. Oh, how lovely. Authentic sounds a bit... Yes, authentic, all right.

Sounds a bit unwashed to me, authentic. What are you talking about, my authentic... Actually, authentic underwear is some of the off-the-market underwear I do wear. It's very tight around the thigh. It's like it's designed for some sort of tubular man. There is such a thing. Isn't that a nice story, though, Frank? It's a lovely story, I don't quite get it,

but all the best stories are like that. Let us consider the Billy Goats gruff. You don't get that? I don't quite get it, but all the best stories are like that. Let us consider the Billy Goats gruff. Do you get that? I don't get the four. And other things that haven't been said anywhere in the world this morning. What does a troll gain from living under the bridge? Yeah, good point. There you are.

To hell with the troll. Shade? Shade? Yeah. I suppose so. Don't throw shade at me. Okay. He, um...

Oh, I was at Hampton Court Palace last night. One of his days out. Oh, why didn't you tell me? Well, I wasn't actually in the palace. I was in a marquee. You know that's my equivalent of the Playboy Mansion. Yes. In case you don't know um rather marvelously i once asked

emily what was her um would but shouldn't and it was henry the eighth what's wrong with that no it's great of him in my bedroom it's great um but anyway uh he wasn't in i've never really forgiven him for the Reformation, I'll be honest with you. But anyway, it was a Doctor Who panel, is what it was. So I was interviewing P-Cap. Nice. And then Stephen Moffat and Brian Minchin of the creative team. So I was on my way. Obviously, I was quite excited about it.

And then we got stuck in the worst traffic you've ever seen in your life and I thought I'm actually not going to make it and I felt myself tense up, I was clenched I'd actually drawn a lot of the upholstery into a peak

on the back seat I was in a four seater car so I felt very closed in. You weren't in the 18 minibus. So I was also starving. And I thought, one thing is I'm going to have to go and just go straight out there. I won't have time to eat.

So I was starting to, the driver was already very, very anxious. And then someone called me and said, where are you? And I said, look, we're in traffic, and we're going to be at least another half an hour. And then I said to him, you're the bad guy, everyone hates you. I said to the driver, I thought we'd fire him on to find quicker routes. But anyway, I said... It's more stick than carrot though, isn't it? It's more stick than carrot. But you know, you have to... That's autobiography.

I had no real carrot to offer him. Of course, you're hungry. But coincidentally, I said, I'm really starving, so I'm not going to have time to eat. I said, if I have to do this hungry, I said, I could faint up there. That's an aggressive march. Yeah. I think it's all about...

It's all about motivation. Yeah. It's it's all about... It's a cool driver. It's about motivation. Yeah. It's a sort of Mourinho type thing. So he said... I'm going to do the voice. Okay. He was from Eastern Europe. Okay.

He said, I have a sandwich my wife makes for me. No. Oh, don't. And I said, okay. You didn't. And I said, um, okay. You didn't. Yeah. And he said, I have some little cheese

biscuits. I said, yeah, I'll have, I'll have, I'll have that. You didn't. I did. Oh, my God. I took his lunch. Well, I presume it was his dinner. How much, how much did you give him? No, I didn't give him any. Oh, my God. Well, I thought he owed me. What, were you being late? Yeah. Okay, we were asking this morning, what would Frank owed me. What, have you been late? Yeah.

Okay, we were asking this morning what would Frank Skinner do. I think you've successfully answered that question. Well, it was a very... I'll tell you more in a minute, but it does seem the obvious thing to do. You don't agree. And it came around, it was so packaged with love,

do you know what I mean? It was lovely. The cheese biscuits thing got an elastic band around, so once it had enough, it could go back in there. The poignancy, I can't bear it. It was lovely and tasty. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had a tweet in from Mike who says, Hashtag, what would Frank Skinner do? Take a hard-working man's lunch and tell the nation how nice it was. Well, there's a few points here, aren't there? First of all, we don't know he's a hard-working. It took him two hours to get from my house to Hampstead Court Palace. I mean, I'm not blaming him for that. The traffic was bad. And also, I'm pretty sure it was his dinner, not his lunch.

I tell you what, because he was... I'm glad you've addressed the key issues. No, but it made absolute sense because I had to go straight on stage. He could wander about and find food. Yeah, he's probably... That's a super attitude. ...about ten minutes into your gig, isn't he? You know, he's probably queued for vegetables in his youth.

Anyway, so he... Unlike your affluent starting line. Exactly, yes. We didn't bother with vegetables. We have an outside toilet. But anyway, so it was the sandwich as well. It felt a bit exotic. You know, there's a sort of white bread that you can get overseas.

Which, no, it feels a bit sort of, a bit sturdier. A bit sturdier than... Bimbo. Is that what it's called? What? Bimbo bread, I love it. This looks like it's been made with one eye for troops coming over the horizon. Right.

That kind of... It felt sturdy. And it was, it had stuff on it that you wouldn't normally get on an English sandwich. It had like a soft cheese, which was very nice, and a salami, a really, you know, hard-cooked... Are you doing a dissertation on this sandwich? I've never heard so much detail. The thing is, I haven't had an holiday this year, and this is basically...

This is the closest I've got to going overseas this year, was this sandwich. So, add a thin layer of... Are we talking processed cheese, or...? Well, I don't know. We're talking... We're talking... We're or... Soft cheese. Well, I don't know. Philadelphia. We're talking... Cream cheese. We're talking Eastern European cheese. I'm glad we've cleared that up then. Yeah, but it was lovely. It was a nice sandwich, I have to say.

Right. Any vegetable in there? Was there a bit of tomato or cucumber? The sandwich? No, no. Who has vegetable in a sandwich? Oh, must have this onion and aubergine sandwich. He said he couldn't be bothered to queue.

So anyway, I had the sandwich. He said he couldn't be bothered to queue. So anyway, I had the sandwich and I said to him, because I thought I need to, you know, let's take some of the tension out of the situation. I said, this wouldn't be a bad short story, would it?

A celebrity gets into a car and then they're on somewhere and they get stuck and the celebrity says I've got to eat before I go on and the bloke gives me a sandwich. It turns out the bloke's wife was trying to poison the

husband. Actually that is a good short story. Yeah. I wasn't with you until the poisoning bit. And I said I can't believe you referred to yourself as a celebrity. I feel absolutely ill I had to use basic language So I said Wouldn't that be a good

And then I get poisoned And you realise that you know I said and the great thing about it Is you are rewarded for your kindness Giving me the sandwich By escaping death And he said Yeah it is a good story.

And I said... Did he say, more parable, if you will? Yeah, no, he didn't say parable. And he said... I like him saying, if you will. And he said, but what about wife? And I said, well, you know, I suppose you'd phone the police and say my wife's right.

And then he said to me, no, no, I think I go home and chop off her head and kick it around like football. He's a great writer. Yeah, and I thought, well, I was thinking more Agatha Christie. You've gone Stephen King. You've gone Thor 5. To me, it's spoilt the whole...

It's even retrospectively slightly impaired the sandwich. I think he's a better short story writer than you from this, sorry. Well, I thought... No, it was too much for me. I'd just eaten. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I'd just eaten The Pope is on tour He is, have you seen that?

It's exciting times for the Pope He's gone to the States Oh I hate it when people call it the States What? I don't like that The United States? The USA? It's one of my, I really judge people who say the States You've judged me before Oh I don't like that. The United States? The USA? It's one of my... I really judge people who say the States.

You've judged me before. Oh, I don't like the States either. I'll cope with it. I've been judged in the past. No. I'm a big boy. Okay. Yeah, well, I judge that as well.

So anyway, the Pope has gone to the States. I'm going to keep saying it now for the rest of the show. You know that, don't you? Right. And, I mean, he did a speech. He did quite a long speech, which I saw a bit of, and that was good. But the main breaking news

on Pope Watch is that he then got into a Fiat 500L and was driven away. That's his new wheels. Oh, I'm obsessed with it. Thank God it wasn't a Volkswagen. In it. It wouldn't have worked.

It was very madcap comedy, wasn't it, him getting into that little Fiat? Well, he's a bit Jeremy Corbyn in that sort of very wear your humility on your sleeve. Yes. As the Americans would say, 100. Yes. 100%.

Yeah. So he likes a bit of that. It's just good to see him with... It said that they had separate... Obama met him at the airport and they had separate motorcades. That's right, yeah. First of all, one of my favourite words in all the world is motorcade. They use that word a lot in the States.

It sounds like something you might get in a bottle in a shop in birmingham in the 70s hra i'll have um can i have a wagon wheel and one of them little bottles of motorcade can i tell you frank what was also very 70s was that he hasn't been to america before yeah it's his first visit how old are you 74 not only that he's from Argentina as well, which is not that far away. That's true, yeah. Well, I'm going to do it for the first... He's left it a bit late.

He can't take advantage of the nightlife at his age. Well, actually, like I said, I saw a little bit of his speech on, I think, BBC News, and he devoted a long chunk of it to how big the food portions were there. So it's his first visit for sure. Dinner's a massive here. And they're so friendly in the shops.

You know what? I will have a nice day. He's got a five-day tour. But how did they organise the motorcade then, if they had one each? Are they sort of side by side, and the Pope's looking across, and there's Barack Obama in his big car? Oh, like the race in Greece at the end.

I imagine that there's the thing where the drivers look at each other and do three, two, one and then they both set off simultaneously, isn't that? And then they're debating who's got the most outriders and stuff like that. Yeah, I've never really... Do you think they've got a more sophisticated way

of communicating than three, two, one? I hope so. You think there's some kind of earpiece situation going on? They love the curly earpiece, those. That's right. They're quite macho, those guys, aren't they? Oh, God, they're... Oh, don't get me started.

They cannot be delighted with the Pope's choice of vehicle, can they? The security detail that are like, yeah, yeah, I'd like the big limo guy. Oh, I've got the Fiat 500L. And also... Well, I think you can get it into a flight case if gunfire starts. Also, bear in mind, there's a lot of wardrobe, isn't there? It's like a bride in the back of a car with all that... With the Pope.

All that fabric. Yeah. Yes. He looked quite squashed in there, is what I'm saying. Oh, well, this is the big Fiat 500. You know, I'm the motoring correspondent on this show. There is the Fiat 500 and there's the Fiat 500L, which is sort of a roomier

version, which I'm led to believe that the Pope got in case he had to give any bishops a lift and they need to keep their hat on. So, I mean, I'm not an expert on... I hope that there'll be cardinal outriders. That would have looked fantastic. I like that the Pope's in a Friders. That would have looked fantastic. I like that the Pope's in a Fiat 500.

I came in in an eight-seater. Did I ever tell you, when I played football on the beach at Cannes... Man of the People? ...en France, and we played... Well, I was supposed to be playing against the 1994 Brazil World Cup winning team. But they were a man down. So they said to me, do you want to play on our side?

Wow. So I dressed in the Brazil kit. I had my photo, team photos. Kids came over and had their photos up with me thinking I was in the Brazil 1994 team. And at the took with me, thinking I was in the Brazil, 1990, 14. And at the end of it, obviously I was rubbish, and they were still, you know, really good. And we won, and at the end of it,

we all went up and they all got into one people carrier, and I got into a Rolls Royce. In my kit! In my kit and my trainers. Oh, what would Frank Skinner do? Exactly. Could I get a sandwich from the driver? No. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Yeah, the Pope. 660 has asked, Hi Frank, is Alan pontificating? That's very fine. Good work. Nothing wrong with that.

Am I? File that one. Um, I tell you what though, because he wears white, all the time, obviously. Oh, he loves a winter white. Yeah, so he's all in white and he's going to the White House. If he goes outside for a smoke, he could be lost for hours. I'll never find him.

He's just leaning against a wall, watching the security guards going past, thinking, ah, they're full. With his menthols. I imagine he might smoke. Oh, I can see him with a menthol. Do you think a menthol? Yeah, I see him with that. Yeah, what's the famous menthol ones?

They're coals. Something like Colgate, what are they called? Coals. Consulate. Oh, consulate. You can't do that. Ofulate. Oh, consulate. Can't do that. Of course, smoking a consulate at the White House.

You're keeping the diplomatic theme going. It all links together, doesn't it? The writers have really knocked it out of the park on this one today. This week. He's got a five-day tour. Yeah. He's like Guns N' Roses. He's got Philly, NYC. Five, I'm not even calling that a tour.

Five days. I wonder if even calling that a tour. Five days. I wonder if he's packed a lot of luggage or if he's just going to do it in the one outfit. They're not going to fit it in the boot. White. Out of that Fiat. Fiat 500L. It'd be good to know how much stuff he travels with.

It would, wouldn't it? Does he change it every day, the robes? Well, he has problems with his, I believe it's called a fanon. What? There's like a cape thing they wear. Oh, yes. The double cape. I believe it is actually called a fanon.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, readers. I don't know the answer to that. I'm ashamed to say. They blow up in the wind, you see. Yes, well, it was very windy at the airport. I thought, thank goodness Donald Trump isn't the president. Because his hair would have completely unraveled. It'd be like watching a house of cards come down.

Do you know, my heart did go out to the pontiff, because he had the school band playing to him. And I'm a bit phobic about the school band. Did he have the school band? Yeah, well, they had children playing for him, and I just think, come on, spend a bit of money.

I want to hear children on recorders playing Kumbaya. What about Mike Nolan's Buck Fizz? There are loads of options. But the thing is, if you're a dignitary, one of the things is you have to listen to children doing stuff. Look at the coins, the stuff she has to sit through. Yeah, true. Flowers, oh, yeah, thanks.

She has the flowers in her hand. She's got, you know the five second, is it the five second test if you drop a sandwich? Yeah, yeah. She does that with the flowers. Little girl comes over, thank you. Lady in white hair. It's there, it barely touches the royal glove. Of course, the Queen drives a dark green Jaguar X-Type.

We've covered that before. Oh, yes. Yeah. Interesting news, Dalai Lama, Bentley Continental GT. Does he drive? Completely shrink-wrapped in, like, a monogram of DL. It says DL all over it. Shut up. He's got a private number plate that says Dalai, but the A's are fours.

Oh, yeah. Excuse me, he has got a private number plate, the Pope. Did you see that? The Pope has SCV1, which is Latin for Vatican City State. I love having a Latin personalised number plate. I mean, that is special. But does the Dalai Lama drive? I don't think so, no.

Yeah, I was with the robes all up. My car, my crib, my show. I can see him. He's quite fiddy-scent behind the wheel. Yeah, he made a little sexist joke this week, so I wouldn't be surprised if he's got, like... Who, the Dalai Lama? Yeah, yeah, if he makes, if he's got, like, some hot wheels,

I wouldn't be surprised by that. I think he's more blokey than we've given him credit for. Does the Dalai Lama drive? I mean, in this, in this manifestation. Best texting we've ever done. I don't want to know if he drove previously. What about if he went and took his test and just took it

like that and said, oh, you know, I could drive. I could drive three me's a go. I'll just remember it. That'd be brilliant. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Why don't you text the show on 81215? We haven't had many today, have we? We have, but some of them are praise. And obviously that's a no-go area for you. No, but I'm just glad to know they exist. Oh, they're here. I'm going to finish this bit. Are they?

Follow the show on... I thought it was Clive Sinclair at the other end of the spectrum. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. There you go, it's said. That would be good on Absolute 80s, the Sinclair joke. Yeah, exactly. He seems a nice man.

Is he still with us, by the way? Clive Sinclair? Oh, no. I think so. Is he? OK. He's keeping a low profile, but you can't help it in those cars. I've actually done a Clive Sinclair.

A Sinclair C5 joke. Wow. Incredible. I'm so proud. Have you got some top-loaded material coming up? When a joke is born. So I know someone who had an audience with the Pope. And apparently he comes out on stage and he just starts talking.

You know, I told you I saw the Archbishop of Canterbury. What do you mean an audience? Is it on ITV or something? No, it's a bit like that, an audience with. And then an all-saint in the audience and maybe Izzy Cundy. That's it. And, yeah, so it's... I've got a question for you,

Ponty. Yeah. Who's the best person you've ever met? Did you see that Madonna referred to him as Popey Wopey? Did she? Oh, Madonna. How do you feel about that? I feel... How old are you? Me? No. I'll see you around, Madonna. Oh, I see.

Yeah. I thought you were going to ask me a question about history. You know, Madonna has always been, like, on the cutting edge of shock tactics. I bet she thought, I know what I'll do. I'll call him Popey Wopey. This is what happens when someone in their 50s... I know this from my own experience. When someone in their 50s is thinking, right, now what's the cutting edge? I know what I'll do, I'll call him Popey Wopey. This is what happens when someone in their... I know this from my own experience, when someone in their 50s is thinking,

right, now what's the cutting edge? I know! Popey Wopey! Yeah, and consequently, that's why I'm the only one who knows about it on today's show. Yeah. There was a time, of course, everything she said. She hasn't got as many followers as him on Twitter, I don't think. Is that right?

He's got 7 million followers, same as Little Mix. Is that right? Yeah. Wow. Stephen Fry's got 4 million more than the Pope. I see. Ooh. Yeah. He doesn't work a crowd, the Pope, like old Fry-o.

Fry-o? I think he actually canvases for followers. I've seen him in the street with a rosette on. Who, the Pope? No, Frio. Frio. I like Frio. Yeah, but you know, I told you I saw the Archbishop of Canterbury

and he walked on stage and said, don't worry, it's only the Archbishop of Canterbury. That was his opening. One of the best openers ever. Brilliant. The Pope apparently just, he doesn't say hello, I'm the Pope. He just goes straight into the material. Straight in with the... We could all learn

from that. What do you mean? What's the material? You know, prayers and stuff. So what's the Chinese and the chopsticks? Sort of like Seinfeld, isn't it? Yeah. You ever been in a Fiat 500 and you get that clicking sound? I don't know why he talks like that.

But anyway. There's that guitar music in between all his jokes as well, like Seinfeld. So, yeah, so he doesn't say, hello, I'm the Pope. He just assumes that, you know, he is. And I think I find myself, when I do gigs, I still say, go on and introduce myself, even though it's on the ticky. So I think we can all learn from his confidence. Well, Madonna says,

hi, I'm Madonna. Does she? Yeah, and you have to say, yes, I know who you are. I think that's quite nice. That doesn't sound at all her. Do you? I think it's utterly disingenuous. Passive-aggressive. Yeah, but I like, that's the tone I like. Passive-aggressive. Yeah, but I like... That's the tone I like. I'm passive-aggressive and disingenuous.

Johnny Cash's catchphrase was, Hello, I'm Johnny Cash. That was his catchphrase? Yeah. That's not really a catchphrase. Well, it was his catchphrase. It used to get a cheer when he said it. I saw him with the highwayman,

and he didn't say it until about 40 minutes in. He suddenly leaned in and went oh I'm Johnny Cash and he absolutely rocked the place. So when he died I nicked that catchphrase and I use it now. It doesn't go anywhere near as well. Anyway I've got to tell you

a story about my parish priest. First of all we'll play this. Right. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Yes, my parish priest said, I've got some good news and some bad news. This was in the pulpit. He says, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we've got all the money we need

to complete the refurbishment of the roof. The bad news is it's in your bank accounts. Wow. I thought it was rather fine. Have you been drinking from your cup? No, he's got, like, a gold thing. Oh, has he? Yeah.

Well, he has the wine as well. Oh, I love it when they come out with a funny. Is that the sort of calibre of the funnies there? You don't think it's a good funny? I like it. It's a good line. I don't think that's bad, in fairness. I'm not having a go. Yeah, you just hate everything that's got to do with...

God. You just hate God. I'm really fond of this Pope, though. Yeah, he's my favourite Pope. I've never felt such affection for a religious figure. He's definitely my favourite Pope ever. Oh? That doesn't put him too high in the tree.

It puts him at the top of the tree. OK, well, that's fair enough, in the Pope tree. Anyway... Obama's probably my second favourite president after F.D. Roosevelt. Oh, Joe Biden, I would. Teddy Roosevelt, rather. Joe Biden, hello. What about Lincoln?

Nice, got to be Roosevelt. Too beardy. He said some cool things. No, I like Lincoln because of the beard but no moustache. I've always loved that. Oh, you like that, don't you? There's a real strong sense that it's unelastic. There's something a bit creepy about him, I'm sorry.

Who, Lincoln? Yeah. I know he did a lot of good but you know i wouldn't um bad teeth they all did in those no i had a dream about him i had a dream that i was in a quarry and lincoln was standing on the top um um with um with you know his lincoln outfit on. Yeah. His Lincoln costume. Yeah. And he spoke and he got very bad teeth. Mm-hm. Just live with me. OK.

Well, that'll be... Frank! Is that your... Your text has gone off! Is that your pop-up alert? That's actually... Who's it from? Robin Hood has arrived in my car. Sorry about that.

Sorry, it's very unprofessional. It's the least professional. 143 has texted us to say, Morning, Frank Allen and Emily. I've just been for my flu jab. The appointment time was 8.53. Wow. That is good.

It's catching on. No oppressive twirls there. I had my flu jab this week. You get to our age, of course, it's a killer, you see. Can you not say our age? No, I meant me and that bloke, not me and you. You and the Pope.

I hope he's had his flu jab. We've also had a text in 731 has texted, I used to see Sir Clive Sinclair running in the mall not shopping in brackets. He wore those terrible, very short athletic shorts with a small slit up the side and his suit socks. Really?

That's good info. Running in the mall. And Buzzy singing, I'm running in the mall. Maybe. I'm Sir Clive Sinclair. I'm the bloke that made those small cars that looked like a cheese wedge.

I'm running in the mall. What if he'd done that? How long before he'd been arrested? Not arrested, but I've been arrested in a care room, mate, I think. Clive Sinclair's lost it. I think it may be the beginning of a good texting, though. What celebrities have you seen exercising? Yeah, jogging. Jogging ones would be good, and indeed gymnasium. I was once in a gymnasium and Goran Ivanovic was in there.

Goran Ivanovic, West Brom fan. Is he? Yeah. How did that happen? I don't know, really. I was once on the... There was three stretch mats at a gym in Belsize Park in North London. I was on the middle one.

To my left was Michael Palin, and to my right was Eleanor Bonham Carter. Wow. Oh, star-studded. And her sports gear was all black. Of course. Goth to the last. What was it, Boz?

Goth to the last. What about Clive Owen in my gym? Clive Owen? Yes. Is that Compo? Oh, yeah. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. I've got a little bit of banana muffin in my mouth

I don't think anybody can tell just crack on as you are sorry about that it's funny how things creep up on you. You know, if you're eating something, you forget you're eating it. It's just in there. You know what I'm talking about? No, I've never forgotten I've eaten anything.

That's all I think about. Don't you keep a chart, a wall chart? Of course I do. I've got an app for it. An alarm goes off. There'll be apps, let's face it. We're eating banana muffin because it's Charlie's birthday coming up. Yeah, Charlie, who is... 47.

What is your job? Assistant producer. Assistant producer on the show. Like Chris Evans. No, I know she's a valuable member of the team. How much do you get paid? No, tell us on air. Valuable member of the team.

I know she's valuable, but I don't know exactly the job title. That's fair enough. Okay. The show wouldn't operate without her, I know that. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Charlie. Welcome. So, yeah, so it's her birthday. Something I used to say a lot back in the day. We can now sing happy birthday to her, if we wish. I don't think we can. Well, we can't on radio, can we? No. If we're in America, it's long been a thing that if you sing happy birthday on anything, you have to pay royalties

for it. Yeah. But in America, they've just sorted it out, so it might come here. In America, now, you can go on American telly and sing happy birthday till the cows come home. I don't know that remix version. It's much better, actually. Is that on an advert?

I said to them years ago, it needs a bovine element. A bit of a strange mash-up, but, you know. Yeah, exactly. Who wrote Happy Birthday, Frank? Can you remember? No giggly? It's two women, is it? Ladies, it's something I know. Mildred and Patti Hill. Fantastic. I know. Oh. Mildred and Patty Hill.

Fantastic. I know that piece of information. That's good knowledge. Mm. That is good knowledge. I made a little Patty Hill on my, uh, plate the other day. It's no coincidence. Yeah?

There's a chance it's not that. Oh, my God. There's a bit of searing insight on the story from a professional lawyer who said on the Radio 4 Today programme, if they've collected two million a year over that period, that's a large sum of money. That's what he said. I think that's fair enough.

I agree with that. Yeah. What I have got, though, is I recorded my own song, which is... What is it? It's a replacement for Happy Birthday that we can use until Happy Birthday is cleared in this country. Oh, great. It's just like Happy Birthday to you. So this is one I've actually written. Are you ready for this?

Yeah, why not? Now, what I'm using is the word anniversary. There's absolutely no... Because it is an anniversary of your birth. Yeah. Okay. It's not funny. It's just different.

Here it goes. It's on my phone. Can you hear it? No. I haven't pressed it yet. I just check in to see if you were going to... Good check. You know, because sometimes when you're around power,

you say, oh, yes, I can hear it, it's brilliant, and I haven't even pressed it yet. That was a test, and you both passed. Congratulations. I'll just play it. Happy anniversary, happy anniversary. It's 21 years since you came to be. Happy anniversary. What do 21 years since you came to be. Happy anniversary.

What do you think about it? What do you think? I love, love, love it. You can change the number. From 21 to other numbers. Yeah, it doesn't have to be 21. The number's interchangeable. It's 53 years since you came to be.

That is really useful. I don't know how I feel about the sort of bloodhound and pickup drop element to it if you know what i mean yeah it's a little redneck yeah i don't know why it came out i didn't have that intention at all i was just wearing donguerries when i recorded it that is weird yeah and i was sitting on a pig yeah maybe that had something to do with it yeah but um yeah i i thought i'll just record it because it's nice to have an alternative. And as soon as I linked it to the mic,

I went, happy anniversary. Yeah. Yeah. Can I just, as a guest, was it a one-take wonder or did it go through several rewrites? No, it was quite early on in the... I had a feeling. I had a feeling.

I quite like it, Al. I just, as I say, there's a sort of extra in Oklahoma. Yeah, but that's all right. That's all right. That's okay, but it's just a bit strange. I like the idea there's something much less fun going on in an adjoining room. But I always liked that idea.

Yeah. No, I just, I just, it shows. I think it's arguably a better song than happy birthday happy birthday if you think about it is the line happy birthday to you and then it's the line happy birthday to you again it's a minor variation then it's the line happy birthday to you i hundred percent agree because there's two one line too many and also but but and you haven't said that since the 80s. There's a lot of rhymes with you. You is an easy one.

And they just couldn't be bothered. Daphne and Dolores Hill. Pew. Yeah. Hill. Wasn't it? Mildred and Patty Hill. Mildred and Patty Hill.

They couldn't be bothered. I hate them. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, yes, I also... I've never been to a birthday party for you two. I'm sure they have them. Oh, I thought you meant us two. No, I meant them. I'll ask they have them. Oh, I thought you meant us too. No, I meant them. I'll ask my gardener.

What? Well, as you know, I share a gardener with you too. Oh, yes, of course. But I wonder if anyone has ever had the foresight to sing happy birthday you too, happy birthday you too.

Instead of happy birthday to you. When you say foresight you make a positive spin on it. Well, I think that would be a clever twist. I don't imagine they've got those kind of wordsmiths on the staff. No, I think they're a bit cool people, aren't they?

I remember doing a similar thing at Desmond Tutu's birthday party. Happy birthday, Tutu. Yeah, he loved it. Or to you, Tutu. He said I've told you not to ring up my degree. We had a text, 731, it said Idris Elba in my gym.

My wife's still not forgiven me for not calling her so she could come and ogle. I had tennis... Oh, Idris Elba yeah oh sorry tennis elbow i had tennis elbow in my other jokes aren't you all of them it's just albert i bet he's i bet he pumps some iron i bet he does pump some because if you play those if you play those sort of action type men yeah you have to you've got a an obligation to like... Oh, you've got to go the whole hog. You have.

We've also had an email. I used to live in London and I saw Michelle Rue Jr. out for a run on Clapham Common. He was wearing a France rugby shirt, of course. Oh, yeah. That is... I can imagine that. He's very rugby shirt, isn't he? Is he a chef?

Oh, yeah. the Roo Brothers. Oh, yeah. There are two of them. Yeah, the Brothers Roo, I think they call themselves. Yeah. And they're all right, are they? Yeah. And I think they used to call themselves the Danny LaRue.

No, I think that's a lie. Is that someone else? We've also had a text in. Morning my Saturday morning laughter. I listen whenever I'm at work. In regards to people exercising, I saw Frank on my way home from work jogging down the Gravesend Road.

Gravesend Road, is that somewhere near you? I don't know what that means. Oh, OK. What is the Graves? I think it's a street. It might be a street. But your sense of direction's not present. I was going to say it's not amazing, but it's not at all.

It was Anthony Cotton. Almost certainly it was Anthony Cotton. Once we're reddened up, both of us, we look almost identical. The text does continue. When I shouted, go on, Frank, from my car window, he seemed to do a little hop on the right-hand side with a panicked look on his face. So maybe it wasn't you at all. Perhaps it was Graham Norton or something.

Although he's got the beard now, so it wouldn't be as likely that you would be. I bet you Anthony Cotton is my beard. Where is the Gravesend Road? That could be another separate text. Well, I don't know. It would be a very good text and we could Google it. Can you imagine? Especially if it

was just people saying, you know that pub? It was those kind of really meandering directions. That would make me very happy in one respect as a texting. But, oh, speaking of happy, well, we'll talk about it after. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. The Office for National Statistics have revealed the five happiest places and the five least happy places in the UK. It sounds like this is coming on ticker tape. OK, go on, hit me with it.

Going over to our correspondent at Reuters. It's big news. I would suggest if people are listening and they then think, oh, I'm not quite sure I got that, to be careful when Googling, because the Office for National Statistics, if you put in ONS, my wife in the past tried to find some statistics out and ended up on a one-night-stand website, because ONS, obviously.

Just be careful. At least that's what she said. Anyway, I'm absolutely certain. Coincidence is I have a one night stand Ticker tape serving In my bedroom Anyway, happiest place in the UK Apparently is Fermanagh and Omar Which I think is in Northern Ireland

I love that soul duo Never heard of it Fermanagh Second happiest, Ribble Valley Which I've heard of Don't know where that is Can't feel bad about this We'll get people now from Second happiest, Ribble Valley, which I've heard of. Don't know where that is. Don't really know it well. Can't feel bad about this.

We'll get people now from... Third, Eileen Sharr. I think that's just a person. She's... I suppose we're all a place. We're all a small place. Eileen Sharr. Yeah.

Fourth, West Somerset. Okay. Imagine if you lived in East Somerset Sitting at home seat So close, but so far away Yeah Miserable existence isn't it in East Somerset And five

I wouldn't mind It's only over there where it starts I can see him Look at him laughing I can see him laughing Sorry I apologise He does all the voices I can see him! Look at him laughing! Look at him laughing from it! I can see him laughing! Sorry, I apologise. He does all the voices.

I love this character. Can I just say that's not a professional voice actor that we've got in to play that. No, that's me. This character, I reckon he owns a pub. That's me. East Somersetian that Frank is playing there. Fifth, the Orkney Islands. Well. That's funny, I was seeing him in a sort of Davros moving chariot, sort of gliding chariot.

I don't know why. No, I see him in the park. A pint of cider on the... You know, they have like a worktop on them, those sliding chariots. Do they? Yeah. Very useful. In my mind, they do. Do they?

All right with that? Very handy, yeah. OK. So what do you think of that? Well, a bolster in Derbyshire is the least happy, just FYI. Which one? Bolsover. Bolsover, that's some Dennis Skinner's constituency.

Is it? Because he's called the Beast of Bolsover. Oh. Is that where you're from, Derbyshire? No, it isn't. Oh, okay. But you know, it's not that way. Well, I thought it was.

Your voice is sort of like that. How very London. I feel bad that we haven't heard of it. It's awful. I don't. The least happy top five is Bolsover. Cannock Chase, I've heard of. Oh, I know that.

That's not far from Wolverhampton. Dundee City, I've heard of. Dover, I've heard of. Sorry, how entertaining is this radio? You're just reading out places and you're going, haven't heard of, have heard of. I tell you what, let's get that. No, there is method in that're going, haven't heard of, have heard of. Let's get an atlas and I'll go. No, haven't heard of.

It started off with that road I had heard of. Gravesend Road, haven't heard of that. But we can identify a whole chart of what we've heard of in Britain. That'd be interesting. There is a pattern here because the top five, the bottom five, I suppose, least happy places, I've heard of all of them, but I've never heard of the happiest places. There it is again. What does that tell you? This is like Bob Monk has his opportunity knocks.

Frank Skinner's I've heard of. But it tells me... I've never heard of. It tells me that the happy places are the least busy. Nobody's going there, so they're just blissfully ignorant of what the world is really like. I do wish the Ribble Valley had of what the world is really like. I do wish the Ribble Valley had been voted the untidiest place

in Britain. Then we could have sang Ribble, Ribble, your place is a mess. That would have made me happy. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Sometimes I'm very relieved people can't hear us, what we say during the break. Oh, no, I had the mic, so I was right, weren't I?

I think we need to take a wander, Frank. A wander to... Oh, to Emael Corner. Yeah. I want to go to Amana and Oma. For Amana and Oma are the happiest places. Do you? Oh, we can go back there. I'd like to see how happy they are.

Hold on, I'll be with you. Here we go. E-mail. E-mail Corner. The Corner. The Corner. I corner. The corner. I like that remix. Yeah, I think it needs...

Because now, in the age of urban, people want talking over music. Yeah, good point. Sort of, I'd describe it as animated talking, is what people really like now on the records. Have you been hanging out with your Kiss friends? Well, I've passed a couple in the corridor. I like them.

This is an email from Erez who says, hi everyone I'm a podcast listener so I couldn't join in the discussion live what discussion is that you may well ask well, it was regarding our discussion of the luggage carousel do you recall that last week? Oh yes, it was a text in

the most interesting things you've seen on a luggage carousel at the airport correct errors one of my proudest moments yeah errors continues just wanted to share i've always wanted an airport to organize the carousel differently how about you organize the luggage on the floor around and let the people sit in the turning carousel until they get to their luggage the trouble is with that yeah i like the idea but i don't think he means for you to treat it seriously but oh i was thinking the main problem with it is the national obesity crisis which i think would push the carousel to the beyond its limits goodness you'd have to pay

a fine you'd obviously have to pay extra, like you have to at the moment for extra luggage. Oh, yes. That's fair enough. It's spoiled so many fun things, the national obesity crisis. Only last week I was talking about the circular trampoline held out by firemen under burning buildings. They've obviously thought, well, we've got no...

We won't be able to hold her. We're going to have to burn! It's a different world. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you want to roll with it? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know, I just had the soup.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. A little bit of Greg's dialogue I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran We have guests coming in this morning You know we don't really do guests on this show We've made an exception Yeah So let's call them surprise guests

They'll be along in this hour You see I never say in this hour either What a DJ I've become So you can text the show on 81215 In this hour. You see, I never say in this hour either. What a DJ I've become. So you can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've just had a text in referring to the email that we had.

Oh, yeah. Hi, team. The luggage and people swap around was done by Not The Nine O'Clock News in about 81. Hilarious, from Gavin Ipswich. Great minds think alike. Now our listenership is heckling each other, it seems. No, I don't think that means that... Eros, was it? Eros was sent in. I think we shouldn't question the comedy of errors.

Very good. Very good. I mean, sometimes... It just comes to you, doesn't it? I was sitting, I'm just telling this to our readers. I was sitting here quietly and I started laughing and Al said, what are you laughing at?

One of the most you've ever laughed in your whole life. And I said, completely unironically, I've just remembered a joke I wrote this week. And now he's laughing at it again. I know, but it is the gift that keeps on giving. I've become a monstrous character. 670 has texted us.

Oh, yeah. The Gravesend Road is the old A2 from Shrops to Gravesend in Kent. I think it was Shropshire. Oh, yeah? The Gravesend Road is the old A2 from Strops to Gravesend in Kent. I think it was Shropshire. Oh. Shropshire to Kent? I couldn't run that far. It was definitely Frank, as it was all over social media.

It was all over social media. He was in the area soon, some sort of charity run. This must have been about three years ago. Oh, well, if it was three years ago. I didn't know they had social media then. No, me neither. I might have been when I ran with John Bishop, but they didn't recognise him.

We've also had quite a few texts correcting my pronunciation of Firm Manor. Oh, yes. Firm Manor, not Firm Manar. What did you call it? Firm Manar? Firm Manar. Although, confusingly, one person has... Wouldn't it be great if it was called Firm Manar not firm manar. What did you call it? Firm manar? Firm manar. Although, confusingly, one person has... Wouldn't it be great if it was called firm manar

and it was twinned with a Belgian town called... Firm manar. The fun they'd have when they got to... I imagine they have exchange parties, those twin towns. Yeah. Actually, I'd quite like to know what twin towns do. Because you imagine... What do they do?

You know, I've always been absolutely, really stress-ridden by the idea of finding a partner. If you're at Wimbledon, you're a tennis player. Saying to someone, do you want to be my partner in the doubles? And them going, no. Just the horror of that. The horror of it.

And what do they do? Does the mayor of Fermanagh phone up and the mayor of... And say, do you want to be... And they say, no, of course we don't want to be twinned. Do they have a twin town? It's like Tinder where they swipe left or right. Maybe they do.

Twinder. Yes. Veryinder. Yes. Very good. How does that... If anyone knows anything about the Twin Town things, you see, they all brag about Twin Towns. They do. Do they?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, as you drive in. Yeah, welcome to Gnarlsborough, twinned with Mahari and Berhi. That's just one I remember off the top of my head. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

Had a good question in by the text message. Frank, can you explain why your show is an hour behind when listening in my car to what I hear at home? Many thanks, Carol. Drive faster! Yeah, exactly. It's about your speed. Now, what happens is this show goes out in its original live state on Absolute Radio,

and then an hour later it is broadcast on what we call the decade channels. 80s, 90s. You know the decades. The decades of the 20th century. And I think they did noughties as well, which is the 21st century, I guess. Well, I don't guess. I'm confident.

Yeah. Confident with that one. Very well handled, Frank. What I suspect is a fib. Swindon is twinned with Disney World. How did they get that? That's got to be a fib, hasn't it? That can't be. Well, Disney World's not a...

It's not a... Do they mean Disneyland Paris? Is that what they mean? I don't... I don't know. I think that's... Is that someone mocking Swindon? I think it might be a pulling of the leg there. OK. There's going to be a reference to the Magic Roundabout in the next text.

You know the Magic Roundabout in Swindon? Oh. Have you ever seen it? No. It's an enormous roundabout with, like, about eight exits, and every exit is a mini roundabout. Oh. Is this one of your lies?

No. So when you approach it, when you approach it, it looks like a star chart, which is a showing you the thing. It's actually a feat of... I bet the bloke who came up with it thought these will be all over the country in five years' time. I've never seen another one anywhere. Frank, we've got our guests in the building.

Are we not going to say who they are until they come into the studio? We're not going to say who they are, but suffice to say Zayn Malik will not be with them. And one of them has already asked for the Wi-Fi code. Is that right? Yeah. I can exclusively reveal. Okay. So whoever it is,

a little clue there, online. Online presence. I love online presence. Yeah. Okay. What else? Oh, yes. I had what I can only describe as... I honestly think... When are they coming

in the next link? I'm not waiting for Godot. This is the sort of chat that could happen off air, isn't it? When are they on again? In fact, you wouldn't get this on a chat show. You would on mine. That's why it's not on air anymore. I shouldn't get this on a chat show. You would on mine. That's why it's not on air anymore. I shouldn't have brought up the chat show.

No, exactly. I love that show, can I just say? Oh, no. Never go back. Never go back, that's what I say. No, go on straight. Anyway, we have... Are they in the next link, Daisy?

Stop asking if they're in. We've got all link. One... Anyway, mystery guests Will be coming up After this short Message from our sponsors You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

From Absolute Radio Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am On Absolute Radio Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps And in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

We have special guests and we have David Baddiel and Moena Banks in the studio. Hello. How lovely to be here. Now these are people who live in my road. You basically asked your neighbours on. But they also have a professional profile.

We didn't get a lift in, by the way. You didn't? No, not from you. You didn't get a lift in? No. We got a lift in from a car, but not from you. I had plenty of room. All those empty seats you had.

I did. Kenny on his own in an eight-seater. Is that? Yeah, I heard. Yeah. Was it like the bloke who offered you a sandwich or not? That's different. You've been listening to the show. I'm not the bloke who does his prep sandwich or not? That's different. You've been listening to the show.

I'm not a bloke who does this prep. I didn't do my prep. We always listen to the show, don't we, Moana? It's a family fixture. Oh, well, that's fabulous. I'm going to... Let's get straight down to business, because you're not just...

Let's face it, you're not just passing... Trade. You wouldn't have let us in. You've done stuff, and you'd like people to know about it. Now, I'm a bit of an old-fashioned character. Ladies first, that's my motto. I went to a premiere the other week,

and I haven't been to one for ages, because I don't know, I don't love them like I used to. No. When we were first famous, right, do you remember that? Oh, I couldn't resist them. We loved a premiere. I mean, the novelty hadn't worn off. You loved a 90s premiere, didn't you? You and your jack shirt. I can remember standing up in a... Pearl Harbour, do you remember that? Oh, that couldn't resist them. We loved a premiere. I mean, the novelty hadn't worn off. You loved a 90s premiere, didn't you? You and your jack shirt.

I can remember standing up in a... Pearl Harbour. Do you remember that? Oh, that was great. Do you remember Pearl Harbour? Yeah. It was strange. We were famous in 1943.

It was incredible. Tune into Radio 4. Josh Hartnett. Josh Hartnett. Was he in it? Josh Hartnett. Can I just say, this is like those two old men in The Muppets. There's a tour.

This is one of the tours going past outside with everyone's wife in. Anyway, let's get down to it. So I went to see Miss You Already, which is a film written by Moana Banks. Now, that's quite a thing, isn't it? Oh, well, yes. No, I was very grateful that you came. I'm very proud that you came, actually, Frank,

because I know you don't like a premiere these days. But, yes, I did have something to do with the writing of it. Come on, you wrote it. Yeah, well, you know, yeah. She's very humble, Moana. She is very humble, yeah. Someone has to be in their family. I've written and completely done it,

and it's really impressive, a children's book called The Person Controlled. Oh, do we have any? We're not talking about you yet. I did that purely because I wanted to show how unhumble I am in comparison. It's great. I mean, how often do you get a couple who've both got product out there simultaneously?

Kim and Kanye. Can I say of this film, can I just say, it's like a prop, it's not like one of those British films where Max Beasley, it's like a proper it's a proper film with proper big stars and a proper big Hollywood thing. And I wouldn't be diminishing it to say that it's a weepy.

Well... Would I? I think... I'd hope it's got a bit more than that. Well, I think that the word weepy has become a bit sort of... No, but weepies have always got a bit more than that. They've got a bit more. I mean, yeah, many of my favourite films I have cried in. But I think it's a sort of story about...

It's about friendship. It's about two friends who've got these sudden big challenges in their lives that they've got to sort of either overcome or just deal with. And it's about how they do or don't deal with that. And I think it's sort of... I worry if it's a weep, it might relegate it a bit to being something people think, oh, I don't like weepers, I'm not going to be told that,

I'm going to cry. Yeah, maybe. You see, I don't... I highly rate the notion of it because I think many have tried a weep. I mean, I weep... I cry every time at Independence Day. Independence Day?

Yeah. That's an odd one. When Will Smith finds his wife again in the... I mean, amongst the crowd. Right, spoiler alert. It's not the big spoiler. No, no. But we...

Independence Day. Into Planetary War. Who wins that? Yeah, I think we do all right, don't we? No, we don't. Will saves the world with Jeff Goldblum. Anyway, that's not the film we're talking about. It's a strange choice of person to save the world with Jeff Goldblum.

It was... You don of person to save the world. So anyway, it was... You don't want someone going, I'm going to save the world. Yeah, so... That was Independence Day. He's sort of done it in three seconds. Anyway, it was... I was very...

I'm certainly not diminishing it. I'm going to say this. It's about two women who are really, really close friends, and one of them gets cancer, and that's what it's about. I'm not going to beat around the bush because it's Breakfast Radio. It's very, very moving. It's also very, very funny and brilliantly acted. And I honestly, I'm not saying this because you're here.

It's like a proper, a proper, enjoyable, interesting, thought-provoking, funny. And, yes, I did cry for an hour. Crying in a cinema is really good. I had a sort of massive epiphany, if I can use that word. Can I use that word? Yeah. When I was about 20. Is that an ice cream?

Yes. That's why I'm so fast. He's still trying to digest it. Can I go to the toilet? No, I had a big sort of revelation when I was about 20, because I used to like art films when I was a teenager, because I was a bit annoying, and I used to think The Draftsman's Contract by Peter Greer

was my favourite film. And then for a slightly sneering laugh, I went to see E.T. thinking, well, this will be rubbish, I'll raise an eyebrow at that. And then I cried so much at E.T., especially at the end, that I thought, this is amazing, I never really want to see films except films that do this, and, you know, that really move you and really touch you. So I agree with you.

To say that a film makes you cry, the word weepy is a bit diminishing sometimes, but to say that a film makes you cry, amuses you, is a brilliant thing. Yeah, and I'm really touched, Frank. Honestly, because coming from you, who I know, you know, the benchmark is very high with the comedy. Yeah, sorry about that. I shouldn't have leaned on it.

My legs are dangling. It's fantastic. So I'm really touched. Well, I would recommend people go and see Miss You Already, and it's got Drew Barrymore. I mean, it's got lots of stars in it, but I loved it. No, Nicola. But Drew Barrymore, I mean, it's got lots of stars in it, but I loved it. Tony Collette.

But Drew Barrymore I've always thought was fantastic. She's an ET as well, of course. She is an ET. In our end is our beginning. And there is actually, yeah, an ET joke in the film. Oh, it's all happening. I'm going to play some music while I recall. I'm going to cry.

I don't remember either. This is Frank Skinner absolute radio look let's move on to your your product today my product can we not call it a product okay i won't call it that it's a book just so fyi david's a little more high maintenance and more when he gets interviewed i'm a little less humble that is true i'm a little less humble, that is true. I'm a little less Kate Humble. We all are, in a way. Well, the world is, I've noticed. Well, apart from her. So you have a book out.

It's called The Person Controller. It's my second children's book. Don't rush through the title. The Person Controller, it's called, yes. The Person Controller. What age group is it aimed at? It's aimed at 9 to 12s, but really anyone can read it of any age because I don't like to put off potential customers.

Yeah, actually they are very focused on that in the children's market because one thing that happened with this book is that my previous book, The Parent Agency, again, this is not a very humble thing to say, but that sold really well. As a result of that... Congratulations. Thanks.

Cheers, thanks everybody. I didn't say congratulations. not a very humble thing to say, but that sold really well. As a result of that... Congratulations. Thanks. Cheers. Thanks, everybody. I didn't say congratulations. Yeah, well done. I didn't say thank you. She benefits. Moana benefits from it selling really well. She's on benefits.

I know. She's selling really well. She's a migrant as well from Cornwall. Have you declared the film takings? I like the Moana benefits. She's writing Hollywood movies. She doesn't need you. My point being that

when that book is... When that's sold or right, the publishers start saying, because it's for 9 to 12 year olds, can you write another one pretty quickly? Otherwise your audience will grow up. Oh. And I think that's a slight category error

because I believe there are more of them coming up aren't there, through what's called another generation. But nonetheless, they say, look, the ones who bought this one, if you don't get it out within the 9 to 12 age bracket time period, they'll be gone. They'll be on to young adult books and Twilight or whatever. Judy Blume. Isn't the secret to write a 12 to 15 one next and just chase them, just chase that crowd?

Well, J.K. Rowling, who, let's be honest, has done pretty well. She, basically every Harry Potter book is slightly older. Is that right? Well, the characters are slightly older. Surely it's slightly newer. That's a philosophical point you're raising there. What, it was chronology. I don't know what that was.

No, you're right there. But, so that, so yes, this is for nine to 12-year-olds. And I don't want to suggest I rushed it out. No. That would be bad. Again, put off... Can I say what appeals to me about this book? Yes.

Shall I tell you what it's about? Well, I'll tell you what it's about. Okay. It's about school bullies. And Frank and I were both school bullies, actually. We were bullied. It's news that we were bullies. And we bullied.

I was bullied. So this is an area of interest. I've never been big enough to bully back. Oh, I think. You should have spoke to me for a consultant. It is partly about bullies, but it's mainly about two twins who are gamers. How many twins? Two twins.

Oh! Can I make a point? That's two children, not four. It is confusing. David always says two twins, and I never pull him up on it. I just let it go. It's not my fight to choose, is it? That's why he's out of control.

I blame you. I pick my battles. You can't say one twin. No, say twins. That's two. And I'll do all the work. I'll do the math. It's about twins.

That feels weird to me. And they are gamers, all right? And they get given... Well, look, in the modern age, we don't question people. No. They get a magic controller with which they can control each other and give each other the superpowers that Super Mario has. Or she can make him really good at football

by thinking about FIFA as she operates the magic controller. Oh, it's a bit... And they beat the bullies using the magic controller. Is it a little bit Noel Edmonds' cosmic ordering? No. No. I felt like he was doing that for each other. Also, I

wouldn't pitch that as a children's book. Well, Noel phones me with it two or three times a week. Stop me in the street clutching a doggy's manuscript. To be honest, I think it's hair, I think. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Moana Banks, the film writer, and David Baddiel, the children's entertainer. I think you'll find he's now called a much-loved comedian and author on the press release. Is that what much-loved? Much-loved comedian and author. I feel Frank often says when someone says, this is a funny thing, he says, well, I'll be the judge of that. That's what the nation is saying when my press release says much-loved.

You're much-loved in this room. Oh, that's good. Let's stick with that. It also says you're a major new force in children's fiction. Oh, well, that clearly is true. Yes. I had to write a new book very quickly because of that. It also says you got a major new force in children's fiction. Oh, well, that clearly is true. Yes. I had to write a new book very quickly because of that. It also says you got a double first from Cambridge.

No, stop saying things about me. What else does it say about my private life? I always forget to put my qualifications on press releases on a full way. So, what can I say? So, I do honestly think people should go and see A Miss You Already, because I think it will make you think a bit about life, as well as having a laugh. What certificate is it, Wayne? It's a 12A, which means that it is suitable for children, I believe, under 12,

as long as they're accompanied by an adult. But I would, it's quite strong subject matter, yeah. It's a strong subject, and it's also, there is some, there's some sauciness in it. There's some sauciness, yeah. Brilliant, I'm in. Well, at the premiere, there were some children in the audience. Well, I think they were the ones who were in it.

They were in it, yeah. Just because you're in it doesn't mean you've seen all the scenes. No, no, no, that's probably true. Their mum, who went there and chapped around them and kept them away from those bits, probably thought, well, thanks. Does 12A mean that you can take any child you like? 10 and... I don't know, actually.

What does 12A mean? I don't really know what that means. You can take kids you don't like. You can take under 12s if you were their number. I wouldn't take four-year-olds. No. Well, anyway, let's not talk about who can't go. Yeah, you can go.

I'm saying you should go. If you could positively go. I don't spread the word of any six-month-olds. No. Well, anyway, let's not talk about who can't go. I'm saying you should go. If you could positively go. I don't spend the remaining six months after reading your book. Why dwell on it? I don't like to put off potential customers. No, I know that. He keeps saying it. Moena, you are in one of the most

iconic children's entertainments in, well, certainly in Britain, maybe worldwide, I don't know. It is apparently worldwide, yeah. We've had a tweet one about it. Have we? Lee says, I listen to Moana Banks every day

in Pepper and Ben and Holly. I'm so sorry. That must have been... Yes. I do. I listen to her every day as well. Just going on, you know, like they do. Why is this 1972?

I just thought I'd say that bit. So Moana is Mummy Pig amongst other characters but most notably mommy pig which is i mean so now is there a formula do you look at pepper pig and think i know why this is absolutely massive no and do you know what when i when i first i've worked a lot with the guys who created it um never lastly mark baker these two fantastic animators who've done some beautiful sort of delicate animation work and films throughout their career, and I often did the voices for them. There's this one that took them

about five years to make called Jolly Roger, and it's nominated for an Oscar, but it's a work of art. And then they basically couldn't work commercially. Did I say commercially? Yeah, you said commercially. I meant commercially. It's a very similar thing. You need some children to work. So they basically couldn't make it work.

And they showed me a picture on their computer of Peppa Pig and said, we've learnt to do computer animation, this is our last chance. And I thought, what are they thinking? This will never work. That's never going to work. Yeah, so I did the voices for the first pilot. And the rest is history. Yes, it is.

But can you learn from that, Dave? Well, I try. No, but I mean, there's a magic formula to what kids like, surely. I don't know. I mean, I think with Peppa Pig, the colours and the stories and all that work incredibly well. Do you know what? They're really honest.

They aren't patronising because they just write. The two of them write all of them, pretty much. They've got one other writer, so they author everything, so it's not farmed out, and so the vision is really pure. And they are funny. They're proper funny.'re proper funny no they are i think funny is very important like i'm with both my now now you finally come to that conclusion frank too late but i think with kids you should not talk down to them in terms of comedy you basically just miss out the swearing and then just assume that they understand funny like you do.

There is the formula for writing for children. From funny man, David Perdue. It's sort of like Simpsons for Babies, I think, Peppa Pig. Oh, yes, very good. The kids like it and the adults like it because it reflects their experience. Some people think I'm Daddy Pig. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Want your frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Can I say, before we say anything else, that Miss You Already is in cinemas now.

You can go and see it this afternoon. You could. And the Person Controller, David Baddiel's book, is out on the 8th of October. Just in time for that little old Christmas mark. Potential customers. Fab. Okay.

I've brought you a present. I'll tell you what it is. It's a single released by Colin Crompton who older listeners will know was in the Wheel Tappers and Chunters club. And his catchphrase was, Best of order, thank you, please. And he released a single called Best of Order, Thank You, Please. I found it in a charity shop in Penzance. Here you are, Frank.

Do you know I recently portrayed him in a TV documentary? I didn't know you actually portrayed him, but I remember people saying to me, well, no-one said it to me, actually, but I think you said that you looked like Colin Crompton. No, a man, a driver, I got in a car and a driver said to me, I didn't recognise you without the flat cap on. And I had to pretend I was Colin.

I had to invent meetings. I'd had an idea about bringing it back and all that. A man who would be in his 80s now, surely. A man who's gone and said to his friends, had Colin Cromson in the car today, and they said, oh, he died in 1985. And now he's telling it as a supernatural tale. So anyway, look,

well done. How brilliant to be a couple that's doing stuff like this. When so many couples do nothing. They just sit on the same box set. Watch a telly, watch box sets and have biscuits. Whereas you two, you've done something with your lives. I respect you for that.

I think there's any couples listening who are just slobbing out. You can learn from these two. Right, well, it's been lovely to have you in. We live in the same road. I see them about once every six months. It's the kind of friend I am. I'm so busy, you see. No, you're not.

No, I'm not. No, just do this. No, I'm not. I'm just very nimble when it comes to tree hiding. Tree hiding? You know tree hiding, don't you? That's a sport I've heard about on Channel 5. Yeah, I hit three today. It's a Birmingham thing.

Thank you so much, guys. Mawena, it's a beautiful film. David, I haven't read the book yet. It's a beautiful book. But I'm gonna... Well, I love the premise. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks, Hank. Okay, so, yes, thank you very much for listening, and if the good Lord

spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out! The Frank Skinner Show Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.