The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Who's met General Pinochet?

Episode Date: November 10, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss the EMA's, Zoella's new book and they highlight the problems faced if you officially change your age.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning. Good morning. Morning. Morgan. I just got that out of the way.

Yeah, yeah. We like to establish the time of day got that out of the way. Yeah, yeah. We like to establish the time of day very early on in the show. Yeah. But now that that's done. Can I tell you something before we go to the outside world? Sure. It's a music station where music matters. Is it?

Yeah. Okay. And I was consequently, as part of my presentorial research, I was watching the, I think they're called the MTV EMA Awards. Oh. I love that you know that. Yeah. I only knew it because it was like, they kept saying it.

What do they stand for, EMA? Have we got that? European Music Awards. Oh, okay. Is that right? Yeah, it's not as tricky as it might sound. Can I just say? What does MTV stand for European Music Awards? Is that right? It's not as tricky as it might sound. Can I just say...

What does MTV stand for? Music Television? I think it does. Yeah, well, since when does television have two letters like that? Good point. Anyway...

It's a nice argument to have with yourself. Yeah. I used to watch... I don't know if I've told you this before, but I used to watch MTV in blocks of about

eight or nine hours when it first came out. Oh man, I used to so love it. So depressing. Man with your lively mind. I used to live very near to a KFC. Stop boasting. It was just perfect. Anyway, I haven't watched

it for a while and so the awards you can imagine there's lots of, you know people coming on who've got awards for you can imagine there's lots of people coming up who've got awards for you can't imagine what. Anyway, they were all very nice. And then Janet Jackson won a lifetime achievement. I sort of forgot she existed.

So whatever happened to Janet Jackson? I still think they're all dead once Michael goes. But no, still working apparently. And she has now become and that's what she wants. She wants something with the word icon in it.

It's always good. And the bloke, the presenter kissed her and she looked horrified. I mean, oh, wow. You know when you kiss a five volt or a nine volt battery? Yeah. When you get that, if you touch the negative and the positive,

you get like a shock. It was like that. Yeah. I thought this bloke has really, he's kissed an icon. When you say this bloke, was it like Justin Bieber or something? No, I don't know who he... I didn't know who he was. He looked like a colorful character.

But anyway, she then did a... You know, people now don't... It used to be like, thank you, and then they talk about some... They're activists now. Oh, yeah. Oh, they're all activists. Yeah.

So she's talking about some, you know... Issue. Yeah, I think hers was how people dispose of fridges. Oh, yeah. Big speech about that. Yeah. And, oh, where's all the fun gone out of it? Keep your activism for the meetings.

Yeah. Anyway, she did that. And then it said for the meetings. Yeah. Anyway, she did that. And then it said after the break, it's me and Kath are watching it. Kath is my partner. We're both maybe a bit old, to be honest, for the EMA Awards. I don't think she's as old as Janet Jackson. Very hard to tell with Janet Jackson.

She looked, her face had got a slight Casper the Friendly ghost, a slightly transparent element to it. Anyway, it said after the break, Marshmallow will be on. So Kat said to me, wouldn't it be brilliant if a bloke came on and his head was just an enormous marshmallow.

So we was laughing about it. So he comes back and there he is, a bloke whose head is just an enormous marshmallow. No. Yeah. Yeah.

It was like the most... Bit of light relief. Oh, it was great. Brilliant. Because Catherine said to you and we'd laugh like... When we first went out, we laughed about the ridiculousness if such a thing was to happen.

And then there he was. Big white, he was white on the night. I don't know if he has a pink one. Oh, he didn't go pink. He might have a pink one. Maybe he does like, even the Britney, he said he would costume change. Maybe he's got a pink one for when he comes back off his holidays. Yeah.

Most of the time. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank, on the... I think we're getting to the bottom, aren't we, of Janet Jackson mystery? We know who kissed her now.

Oh, yes, it was Jason Derulo. Of course. OK, you a fan of his? I've never heard of him. JD, I call him. You know, I respect these people for gaining some status, but I don't know about him. He's very sort of man who owns a villa in Ibiza. Oh, is he?

Yeah. And what about Marshmallow? Is he doing well? Well, very well. Is he? Worth what about Marshmallow? Is he doing well? Well, very well. Is he? Worth millions, Marshmallow. Would you have known him before? I knew who he was.

When I saw him, I've got to be honest, when you said that though, I'd seen him with the black marks on his Marshmallow head. Well, he has to have a face on him. Yeah, but make an effort. That's just to help the cameraman.

He's not just a blank canvas. Make an effort, two crosses. I mean, he could have made more of an effort, but... Look, I raise my glass to him. I can honestly say I have toasted marshmallows. But the thing I've worked out about Marshmallow, he is... No-one really knows who he is.

It's a bit of a Banksy type scenario, I believe. Oh, really? It's one of those. Signing on. Well, you know what I mean. Al, signing on. But he never declared that gig. No. And a great way to carry on in the music profession when you hit, you know, in the 60s

or 70s. How old is he underneath the Marshmello? I told you he'd be around then, wasn't he? What was good if he... I'd love it if he was fine. If he allowed the marshmallow head to age slightly over the years. I don't know.

I've never watched a marshmallow age so I wouldn't know what happens to them. No, me neither. Just a bit singed like it had been by the bonfire.

It's not a thing you keep, is it? I mean, Bart Simpson's been about 11 for 30 years, hasn't he? Yeah, but I think you'll find he's

an animated character. Yeah, but so is Marshmallow's head, in a way, unless that's a real head, in which case... No. I wouldn't have expected it at the E&A Awards. We're going to be in hot water if it turns out that's his real head. That's... Oh, man, we'll have broken every...

That would be... If it turns out Marshmello's head is like that that's my career over there'll be things that people from there'll be like a sort of swollen head society and they'll say it's this sort of arrogant contempt which is

why you haven't heard of them because these people stay in mainly and Marshmello's broken the amazing really when you think of all the controversial things you've said to be hoisted why you haven't heard of them, because these people stay in mainly, and marshmallows broke and the... Amazing, really. When you think of all the controversial things you've said, to be hoisted by this... By that particular patat. I know, exactly.

Anyway, what a pity. Can I just say, Ultra Magnus has been in touch. It's actually MK Knight. She's changed her name a bit, I think. She says, maybe marshmallows should team up with hot chocolate. Oh, very strong. Are they still going? That'd be the end of marshmallow.

It would be. I think you might be thinking in those terms, hadn't you? Who could I do? What do they call them when they work to collaborate? Collaborations with people who just... Feet, Frank. M&M. Feet, yeah.

It's all the confectionery, isn't it? Yeah. Is that what we want during the national obesity crisis people saying oh look at my just to remind you

you're just taking your mind off it with a bit of music remember what a lovely marshmallow it's like god I mean talk about temptation

the poor kids and the presenter had like a sort of candy floss dress on as well very thin as well candy floss dress on as well. Very thin as well, candy floss on a stick. It was always saying get into the nearest fairground and fill your boots

was the message. What was she called, Sarah? Hayley Steinfeld. Hayley Steinfeld. You know her as well? You've been researching the young people, haven't you? What's going on? Sorry, you did.

You googled young people. You know Jason Durango? What is that one he's got? Derillo. Yeah, Derillo. Wow. Yeah, but don't just shut up shop as each birthday comes.

I know, but I... I keep an interest in their... Hayley Steinfeld was an actress as well and a model. There's all sorts going on. I bet you haven't even listened to Ariana Grande's new song, Thank You, Next.

I haven't. Are you preparing for something? No, it's great. I respect you. You haven't got a CBBC job. I'd love it if I had. It's good to have somebody on the programme who knows what's happening in the modern world.

I'm taking it back, I must be honest. Or maybe I better start sorting up. Well, I got me marshmallow. Yeah. It's a start, isn't it? Yeah. I'm seeing Ed Sheeran, I think, next week. Yeah.

I'm just keeping an eye on what's going on. I'm excited about Ed Sheeran. I miss Bitcoin, but I'm not going to let that happen again I'm keeping up on the trends This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

Nice late review Frank someone David Woods finally got round to reading your autobiography when did that come out 15 years ago 2000 I think

lovely you know what I read a bit of it this week he absolutely loved it by the way Photography. When did that come out? 15 years ago? 2000, I think. Lovely. You know what? I read a bit of it this week. He absolutely loved it, by the way. Yeah, oh, great. I never really read it when it came out, because obviously I'd read it before it was published.

And I read a bit this week for research purposes. How was it? It was great. Was this one or two? This is one. I have to say it was a bit more coarse. There was some Barrett Room language. Is it Barrett Room?

Locker Room language. It was quite blue in some areas. Yes, but you know, it's of its time. Brilliant, I agree. Some lad of humour. I kind of liked it. When you come to it and you haven't looked at it for ages, it's of its time. But brilliant, I agree. Some ladder humour. I kind of liked it. When you come to it and you haven't looked at it for ages, it's like reading someone else's. Oh, that's good.

But much better. It's the best one I've ever read. Okay, Frank. Right. Of all the biographies, it's the one that you felt you had the most connection with? I just think it's very, very well written. Good. Anyway, let's move, very well written. Good.

Oh, my God. Anyway, let's move on. You brought it up. I did. And I happen to agree. Oh, well, there you go. We're all on the same page of my autobiography. Which autobiography do you have a deep connection with?

Mine is De Profundis. Oh, what? Really? Oh, okay. I very much enjoyed Dave Eggers' heartbreaking work of staggering genius. Lovely. But it's not for everyone. No.

We've had an idiotic eureka moment in. It's called Three Little Pigs. You know the idiotic eureka moment? For anybody new, it's when you realise something that's been obvious all those times, like Sooty and Sweep are named Sooty and Sweep because it's a chimney theme. Yeah. Good evening, Frank and Emily, via Alan's Friday night trawl. As a 40-year-old bloke, I was appalled with myself this week

when it was pointed out to me that in the nursery rhyme, This Little Piggy, the little piggy that went to market was not going shopping but was being sold. Yeah. Needless to say, i've been questioning every other rhyme story and fairy tale from my childhood to see what else i've missed praise redacted i i didn't realize that how do we know that for sure though this little piggy went to market because the stayed at home one suggested uh like maybe he was invited to the market and said, oh, no, I feel a bit...

I had a mate who used to say, oh, I feel a bit limp. No, I think he might be right about that. Yeah, I think so. And there are dark parables, these things, a lot of the time. Well, they don't shop. You never see them shopping. And what does he do? Awkwardly swerve the butchers?

Yeah, exactly. I mean, come on, there's no place for a pig to market. Come to think of it, I've never seen a pig eat roast beef. I'm not sure that's part of their thing. Yeah, it's all mixed up, isn't it? You know, they've all got... You've always made some person who knows what they mean. Right.

Like Ringer Ringer Rose is about the plague. Yeah. So they'll have experimented. Pigs will eat beef, won't they? I believe pigs will eat anything. They eat the plague. So they'll have experimented. Pigs will eat beef, won't they? I think, I believe pigs will eat anything. They eat the dead. I believe they will. Pigs eat the dead. Let's make that, I might

be a few years old as a trailer. Also, that sounds fine. That sounds like the sort of band your brother Keith would have been into as a teenager. Exactly. I like that early stuff. That sounds like the sort of band your brother Keith would have been into as a teenager. Exactly. Hey, Frank, if you're Sue, pigs eat the dead.

He liked Blood, Wind, Pigs. He did. He was into the porcine bands. Who were the other porcine bands? 8, 12, 15. New Porc Dolls. Yeah. Are there any other pig bands?

Well, that was the question. Yeah, I know. Yeah. So Henness from Gravesend, Frank, are you familiar with his work? Oh, yeah. Yeah, because I always ask about whether people still get hennaed.

Remember that was a thing you used to get at the seaside. I love Henness from Gravesend. Okay. Henness from Gravesend says this, morning Frank and the gang, whatever happened to saying, yes, your majesty, when someone made a request

deemed either too demanding or made in a brisk way. I don't know that I am aware of that I'd say yeah Is that a thing that happened? I remember that and also what did your last slave die of? Oh yeah that was a big one wasn't it? That was a massive, he was eaten by a pig

apparently He's eaten by a pig, apparently. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So what's happening with the piggies? Just generally in the world. I had a question about the piggies, because we were talking about this little piggy went to market. Yeah.

And I was asking off air this is what our chat's like off air. Speaking of piggies I believe there's a documentary on Absolute about the White album on Sunday night tune in. Yeah. That for a link. What's that got to do with piggies? It's that piggies song that on there.

All the little piggies etc. Right. Good old little piggies, etc. Which I think influenced Charles Manson in some way. Anyway, I think we'll be going there, Breakfast Radio. You know what I'm talking about? I've had enough trouble with the Marshmallow Head Society. Sorry, do carry on. It's just this little piggy. Was it the little piggy who went wee, wee, wee all the way home?

Yeah. Does that mean he escaped? He was saved? Oh, maybe. As Morrissey once remarked to me, of the Ross's two pigs, two were saved. Ah. That's what he said. That's a good line from Morrissey. He just looked over at them and he looked quite wistful and he said,

I said, oh, these are the two pigs, Moz. You call him Moz, I was told. Oh, dear. And he said, two were saved. That'd be his vegetarian stance, would it? Vegan, I think. Vegan, probably. I'm pretty sure he's pretty militantly vegan.

He has two blokes in the pub talking about him. But that's what blokes in the pub talking about that's what blokes in the pub talk about is Morrissey I wonder if he knows that for all his avant-garde it's bloke in

denim shirt saying I like that seaside town that never closed brilliant anyway further to

the whatever happened to what did your last slave die of don't forget the classic comeback helping yours praise redacted further to the whatever happened to what did your last slave die of don't forget the classic comeback helping yours praise redacted

I don't know that either I'm really out of touch well that's a lot you could start using that it's a nice one helping yours helping your slave so for example Alan

I will do it oh it's a response to the slave I'll go I thought you just said can you get the door for me helping yours no no it's um what to the slave. Yeah, we'll show you. I'll go. I thought you just said, can you get the door for me? Helping yours. No, no, no.

It's, um... What did your last slave die of? Helping yours. That was lovely, that. Available for acting work. Available. Together as well. Very nicely done, guys.

Yeah, thank you. Well-delivered dialogue, that. Yeah. This is the plus of having two people who went to drama school, aren't they? Isn't it? I just went through the standard education two degrees system. I think it's a nice balance.

Yes. Yeah. And you're the one who's sci-fi royalty. Oh, no, that's me. Oh, yeah, you're sci-fi royalty. We're both sci-fi royalty, OK? Oh, yeah, I. Oh, yeah, you're sci-fi royalty. We're both sci-fi royalty, OK? Oh, yeah, I suppose, yeah. I suppose I'm a minor royal.

What's your sci-fi qualifications, Al? Zero. Come on. Come on, you must have seen it, man. Think. Zero. You must have done one vaguely sci-fi role in your acting career. No, no, no.

Didn't anything happen in that hospital? No. OK. No, it was all very medical and real-worldy. There's nothing supernatural in always and everyone. We're going to find something. I can find that he's inside a sort of a Chewbacca, something in its student production.

There is talk of me being the next Doctor Who. Is there really? There is. There is a bit of talk about it. I mean, I'm starting it now. There's usually a comic mentioned in the running. Well, watch out next time. There will be one for a while.

Isn't there a comic in it now? Well, I mean, as the Doctor. Oh, as the actual Doctor. Yeah, Bradley Walsh, you see. Braddo. Okay. They all call him Brad, which sounds... Brad Walsh sounds a completely different character from Bradley Walsh. Yeah, he's from California, Brad Walsh which sounds, Brad Walsh sounds a completely different character

from Bradley Walsh Yeah, he's from California, Brad Walsh Here comes Brad Walsh, hi! Here comes Bradley Walsh Alright darling Just one syllable Amazing This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. I've been sent a lovely photograph of you, Frank Skinner. Oh, yeah? It's from Rick Moran, and he says, Hi, I've made him sound a bit American. I don't want to pronounce it any other way. Brad Walsh. I think Moran is the normal way.

Might have Brad Walsh. Yeah. Hello, here's a couple of photos from the... Now, it says DWAS 63, so perhaps you can explain that. William Hartnell Heritage. Well, the DWAS is the Doctor Who Appreciation Society. Oh, of course it is.

I should have known that, because I think they still give me alerts. And I went to Elstree Studios for the unveiling of a William Hartnell plaque. You know William Hartnell, the first doctor? Yeah. Know of. Yeah, so it was great. I think he liked a cigarette, didn't he?

An overflowing ashtray. Did he? I don't know. I think he probably did. They all did, didn't they? But he's the one who did didn't they but he he's the one who did that interview where he's in panto

he goes a bit wrong after he's Doctor Who he gets he loses the Doctor Who job so they interview him backstage in panto he's one of those

where they're putting make-up on you know in the mirror and the guy said so is this the sort of work you want to do from now on and he goes

no what do you mean this is front of cloth stuff he said I'm a sort of work you want to do from now on? And he goes, no! Come here! This is front of cloth stuff. He said, I'm a legitimate actor. I thought, wow! But have you ever been to a plaque unveiling? I haven't. No!

Well, to my knowledge, I might have walked past one. It's a special, I'll tell you what the thing of it is after this message. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, yeah, the thing about a plaque on violin is you all stand around, there's a small curtain, obviously. Oh, is there a curtain? I'm so glad there's a curtain.

Yeah, that's what I pictured. In front of the plaque. Is there a curtain? I'm so glad there's a curtain. In front of the plaque. And then the curtains opened by a celebrity. In this case, it was... It was you? No, it was two of his TARDIS team from the first season. Oh, so were you just a fan there?

I was just there as a fan, yeah. Hashtag fanboy. You're just turning up. I just went there to get my photo taken with Susan and Ian. Why? I don't find that outrageous. It's not outrageous.

It's cute is what it is. Oh, thanks. Oh, it's so adorable. I don't think you've ever called me cute before. It's sweet. Anyway, but when they opened... I don't know. The thing is about... I said, I actually thanked Susan and Ian for illuminating my childhood. And Susan...

Susan and Ian are the actors in it. The character names. Yeah, the character names. And Susan said, ooh, I like illuminated. Anyway, the thing is that when you go there, obviously because you are an admirer of the person whose plaque has been unveiled, but when the curtain opens,

the idea is it's supposed to be like a surprise, like unveiling a painting or something like that. Yes. But of course you know what the name's going to be. Yeah. And it's blue, it's going to be blue. Right, right. Yeah.

How do you respond? You go, oh. As if it's, oh, I didn't see that coming. But's going to be blue. Right, right. Yeah. How do you respond? You go, oh. As if it's, oh, I didn't see that coming. But, of course, you knew exactly. Yeah. Is the applause a bit, it's a bit Three Runs, Village Green, isn't it? No, no. It's William Hartnell.

Calm down. It's actually less surprising than the FA Cup draw that's on the telly. Well, I did that once. It's not enchanting a bit of telly, is it? I did the FAy. Well, I did that once. Isn't that enchanting a bit of telly, is it? I did the FA Cup draw once and a bloke phoned me, a mate of mine, phoned me immediately afterwards

and said, is it true about the warm balls? And I said, I didn't stand that. No, and it's... They said that the big teams, that they steam the big team balls before

so that you can, you don't pick a big team against a complete rubbish. Oh. Anyway, I would like to go, this is what I'd, if anyone wants to, I'd like to go to a blue plaque unveiling

where I don't know who it's for. Oh, that'd be good. Can I imagine? Yes. A genuine surprise. You've gone across London rolling gift. Yeah.

I just think it'd be different, wouldn't it? Especially nowadays when all of the big names really have probably been done, wouldn't they? Well, I don't know if names really have probably been done, wouldn't they? Well, I don't know if that's true, but thanks for saying that, Alan. No.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show at 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Frank, I'd like to talk about Zoella this morning. Oh, great. Oh, OK. Do you remember last time she was mentioned on the show? It might have been exactly a year ago. Now, for any of our older readers, Zoella is, I think, what they call an internet sensation.

Yeah, influencer slash vlogger. Influencer, is that what she's called? Yeah, that's what they call an influencer. That's a brilliant thing to be. Great job, isn't it? It is. And she is, well well she is an internet sensation and she brings out some product as well yeah and she was much mocked on this show about a year ago for bringing out an advent

calendar that only had not just any advent calendar al what one with uh 12 doors It was 50 quid. 50 quid. One got confetti in it. I'm telling you, certainly what it had. A packet of glitter. A razor. It was an eraser in one. A razor? And a razor, not a riser.

Yeah, cutthroat razor in one. Knuckle dusters. It's quite a violent advent calendar. That was the Charles Bronson advent calendar. You're getting... And some butter. It was fairly... It wasn't 50 quid's worth of loot.

Stickers, cookie cutters and some glitter. I'll tell you what. You know those bags, those see-through plastic bags that people take away from crime scenes? Yes. The contents were extremely similar to that, except it was 50 quid.

She said, what was interesting at the time was she apologised, didn't she? And she did a video and she said, I mean, I didn't know they were going to charge that. I didn't, I was as surprised as you were. What, you actually walked into the shop, went, how much? Yeah, about her own product.

Well, when you say that, what I remember her saying about the calendar distinctly is that she was incredibly proud of it? Yeah. About her own pride. Well, you say that. What I remember her saying about the calendar distinctly is that she was incredibly proud of it. Yeah. And she now has a book out. Yes. Called, I believe, Cordially Invited. Cordially Invited.

And again, she's brought out the old catchphrase that she's incredibly proud of it. Oh. So she should learn that pride is of course a sin. A sin? Unless it's a special day. I thought you were going to say it goes before a fall. Well it might go before a fall. I think in her case

it goes before a windfall. When she counts the proceeds from it. Yet again she seems to have been much mocked for this one. Can I say in her defence just to give you a hint, and I've done, I've done a little bit of factual research on Zoella.

Oh, okay. Because I care. Yeah. Have a guess at this. How many, how many Instagram followers would you say? I'll give you a clue. Okay.

Five million. Give us a clue. Double that. No way. Shut up. 10.4 million. YouTube? Okay. Five million. Give us a clue. Double that. No way. Shut up. 10.4 million. YouTube? 18.

12. So you've spoilt it now. Whenever people guess hard. I know. Only 13 million Twitter followers. Okay. But that's where she's also Zoe Sog. That's her real name.

And recently she's gone Zoe Sog. I'm not the only one who's brushing up on the youth culture. Well, I'm interested in the whole concept of an internet phenomenon that does nothing. Well, the weird thing about it is that her brother is an internet phenomenon. Joe? Who's on Strigley, isn't he? Crofter Joe?

He's on Strigley. Oh, is that her brother? Yeah. So she's an internet phenomenon. I think he's called Crofter Joe. Is he called Crofter Joe? He's on Strigley. Oh, is that her brother? Yeah. So she's an internet phenomenon. I think he's called Crofter Joe. Is he called Crofter Joe? Or Thatcher Joe or something like that. Because he used to do cottage roofs.

Oh, I thought he was very right wing. Right, Thatcher Joe. I'm sure he must. No, I don't know. I can't say that. Well, there's certainly capitalist principles at work in the house. Do you think the whole family have got a YouTube channel, though? I'll tell you what's brilliant about it.

On the last thing, the last statistic. When she first, let me get this right, when she first brought out the YouTube channel, it was called Zoella280390. That's what it was called. Which was her birthday. She was born then. And she's obviously thought, showbiz terms,

maybe it's my birthday. Because she's 28. I thought she was like 14. And the average fan, this is the strange thing about the book, it's a sort of lifestyle book for hosting. And I would say the average viewer or fan of Zoella is probably about 12, 11. So I don't know if they're throwing dinner parties.

She's claimed that it's targeted at 20-year-olds. Oh, get out of here. There's no 20-year-olds reading Cordially Invited. Don't shoot the messenger, guys. Unless they went for a tabloid and they're going through it to find things they can criticise her for. The poor laugh. What do you want us to do? Hug the messenger? She looks...

I hugged Melinda Messenger. Yeah. It was in a professional context. Can I make that clear? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So Cordially Invited, the... Cordially Invited, Annoying, is a book about parties and never actually mentions cordial.

It's a lovely party drink. Because that's the sort of book you would buy on the strength of that because you love a cordial, Frank. It's a cordial. When I was a kid, we all drank cordial, right? It's a nice nice drink do you want a nice glass of cordial good old days then it became squash is there any difference at all is it just a different name for cordial anyone know it's any diluted 12 15 if anyone knows any diluted drink basically anyway she never she never mentions cordial because you used to get cordial in cafes or in restaurants.

Imagine now. Ice glass of cordial. Can you imagine that? Can I have an orange squash, please? You can't order that in a restaurant now. Can you not? Of course you can't. When I was a child in Scotland, we used to call it diluting.

Really? Do you want to drink a diluting? Are you sure that wasn't going on the rob? Diluting. Yeah, yeah. And you'd say, yeah, I'll have some diluting. That sounds good. You've made it sound reallyitten. Yeah, yeah. And you'd say, yeah, I'll have some diluting. That sounds good. You've made it sound really hardcore.

Yeah, yeah. I can't discuss this without thinking of that gorilla at London. He went wild. Yeah. What did he drink?

Ribena. Ribena, yeah. He drank. Oh, like three litres or something. I think it was five litres of Ribena without

any diluting. Absolutely lost it. Yeah. So, it. Yeah. So cordially invited... Purple Wheeze. For two weeks. Purple Wheeze, Purple Wheeze. What if Prince, before he passed away,

had had shots of that gorilla having Purple Wheeze and had that as a big video backdrop and changed it so he was on stage. I think the driller was called something like kombucha. I think he was, yes. Lovely that you, really touching that you remember his name.

It sounds like the drink kombucha. Good. Zoella says in her book it costs £20 £256 pages. Is it? I want something a bit fatter for £20. I've never heard you say that before.

I haven't said that for years. She tells you how to make a sandwich, Frank. But she uses, I think, interesting language. She's gone a bit formal. She says, when ready to assemble your sandwiches, gone a bit Avengers, lay your bread out ready to assemble your sandwiches, gone a bit Avengers, lay your bread out on the work surface and butter each slice. Good.

She could have said make, but she went assemble. I don't know if I would lay bread out on the work surface. What do you go on, plate? Plate, you know, one of those board. Work surface has got so much, you know, I spit on it quite a lot. Do you? Not deliberately. Just accidentally. When I'm, you know, I spit on it quite a lot. Do you? Not deliberately. Just accidentally.

When I'm, you know, ranting at home. Oh, right. But to be fair to her, we've all had very rubbish sandwiches in our time. There should be. I believe Egon Roney, I once read, a thing describing how to make a good sandwich. I think Jamie Oliver was mocked in a previous life for fish finger sandwiches in a cookbook, wasn't he? Do you remember when we did the show from Edinburgh this year?

We went to a lovely cafe after and at least one of us ordered a bacon botty. And when it arrived, there was no butter. Oh, infuriating and we said lady can we have some butter she said butter some bacon butter is what it's called

so I think maybe you think people know but I think you're allowing for the way intelligence has fallen away it took about 10 minutes for my diluting to arrive I don't believe it. What about take an umbrella, weather can be a little unpredictable at this time of year?

Again, we disagree more. We've all been out, haven't we, when we haven't taken an umbrella? I never take an umbrella. And Phil, I wish I'd read Cordelia Invited. I'd have that with me. So I think we're thinking Oh we know all this stuff But I

As I say horrible sandwiches are everywhere And we've all got wet Because we forgot the umbrella So it's just a little aid de memoir for the basics Awesome advice Attend a local fireworks display Keep it local She's anti-Catholic, I'm not denying that.

Winter advice, sing carols, eat mince pies. Good advice. 1854. She's trying to win me. Yeah, well, what about this bit? I like this. Spring is the time of year when I generally get the urge to clean. Oh!

If only there was a name for that phenomenon. What's that called? Oh, we could come up with something, I bet. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I'm just learning from Sarah, the assistant producer, that when people go for a vodka... Was it vodka, lime and soda? They are sometimes asked if they want fresh lime or cordial.

Well, we had 756 text, Hi, Frank and team, I still remember the days of going into pubs and asking for vodka or orange and being asked whether I wanted squash or fresh for the orange. Even the fresh came in a tiny bottle. Not that fresh. I know, but Sarah is what in a tiny bottle. Not that fresh. I know, but Sarah is what I would call current. Yeah, youth.

And I think that lime is one of the cordials that kept its cordialness. I've never heard of lime squash. Yeah. Oh, you're right. I think there's something for some reason. Why did lime slip through the net?

Orange cordial, black orange cordial, they've all gone. And why is elderflower a pressé? Yeah. 8, 12, 15. Yeah, why is it a pressé? You never get elderflower cordial. Elderflower squash. Elderflower squash, please.

Big diluting elderflower. I'm going to start asking for that in the organic gastropubs. I think they might say, yeah. See how they like that, the bearded folk. See how long you do it before somebody says, what you talking about, Willis?

Quite a long time, I imagine. Yeah, probably quite a long time. We've also had a legal update. Sorry, Emily. 443 has texted, no, no, no, no, no. There's no limits. No, he hasn't.

Too unlimited. No butter on bacon sarnies. It's the law. I think it's a north-south divide thing. No, he hasn't. Too unlimited. No butter on bacon sarnies. It's the law. I think it's a North-South divide thing. No, I'm fine with... I would never have put them on. If I made one at home, I wouldn't put butter on. But if it's a bacon botty,

if you call it on the menu a bacon botty, you are leading the purchaser towards the idea of botty, surely. Really? What do you think of butter? How do you think the name butter came about? As an abbreviation of bread. Big bread roll. Like a butter.

Yeah, I've never heard the butter thing. I thought butter should be in a bacon sandwich anyway. Yeah. Okay. I don't want to fall out with you guys over this. No, no. Well, it's happening. I've got plenty of other things. Okay. I don't want to fall out with you guys over this. Well, it's happening. I've got plenty of other things.

Okay. I think it's Nicki Minaj's Twitter handle as well. What is? Botty. Don't get it. Okay. You obviously haven't seen Nicki Minaj. No.

342 says, on the squash theme, when I was a child, I thought dilute meant delicious because it said dilute to taste. Thanks, Mum. Delicious to taste. That orange was dilute. So she thought it said, you know, delicious to taste. That could be youth talk now, couldn't it?

Man, that was dilute. Yeah. Good. Yeah, I think, let's make that happen. Not easy. Can I just say, by the way, for one small defence of Zoe Soggs. Yeah. Soggs or Sog?

I think I've mixed her up with a guy from Madness. I'd like to hear some cordially invited. Bring some B&H and a bottle of beer. Sog it is, Joey Sog. Not Joey, Zoe. Zoe, yeah. I mean, how long before there's the sweet smell of Sogcess? That's going to be

one of them. Oh, nice. But in the Son newspaper, it spent some time saying basically how stupid the book was and suggesting therefore how stupid she was and then referred to it as a novel. Oh.

Oh, you know, I once split up with someone because they call fever pitch a novel. So that's me and the Sun newspaper in a terrible situation. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. She's been mocked for giving out ham and cheese sandwich instructions. And I'm one of those people, I don't really like to follow a recipe. So if I was making a ham and cheese sandwich, I'd just get ham and cheese and put it in a sandwich. Well, at least that. At least you're tying in with it that closely.

And if I'm making leek and potato soup, I'll just get leeks and potatoes and make a soup out of them. I won't follow the recipe. It all fell apart when I tried to make beef wellington. Ah! See? It's like a little joke.

That's good. I like it. Lovely. Can I ask you a question? If you were making a ham and cheese sandwich, what would you put on the sandwich first? Let me travel back in time. Okay. Yep. I only ask this because I know for definite what I would put on.

It's not like a random thing for me. Oh, I'd go cheese under ham. Yeah, cheese under ham every time. Because I'm thinking... I love you too, Frank. I'm thinking that the move from butter to ham is too extreme. Butter, cheese or other dairy products

and then it gives you a beautiful... A little bridge. An arc. An arc. Because it's a bit like butter, it just looks like a slightly firmer butter-esque platform for the ham. A little bridge. An arc. Because it's a bit like butter, it just looks like a slightly firmer, butter-esque platform for the ham.

Well, I'm afraid I'm going to throw a spanner in the works here. I would go ham first on the butter. Would you? How I see it, Frank, is the ham on that surface is a bit more like a soft eiderdown with the hard futon on top. OK? So I like that. The cheese is too hard hard futon on top. Okay? So I like that. The cheese is too hard for me.

I see. Do you see? Wouldn't this be on a food show on the telly? A fabulous twist on Scissors Paper Stone. Well, there you go. I'm shocked by that. Is there anyone there who would go, say maybe cheese, ham, Well, there you go. I'm shocked by that. What about if... Is there anyone there who would go,

say maybe cheese, ham, and then put the butter on top of the ham? I mean... Come on! Psychopaths. They're just porcelain. Put slices of bread on the top. Can I give you another quote from Zoe Sogg's book?

Yeah, please do. She has a garden party that is is garden themed brilliant yeah now that i like that say what you see and she's uh no but you should have called it that i've been to garden parties they don't really up front the garden thing but she suggests um one way of upping the theme is to have a blackboard when guests arrive that has written on it, welcome to the garden party. You know what? Why not?

Why not? Just a little touch like that can make all the difference. You know you're in the right place. You know the theme. You know you're welcome. Well, also, Frank. What about this? This would be good if David Baddiel

goes to one of her parties. She also puts Wi-Fi on a blackboard for people. I've been in shops, cafes

all over Britain with Dave saying have you got Wi-Fi and what's the Wi-Fi thing?

And hotels. Yeah have it on a blackboard in your house. That is good. So, you know, we start off like so many things. Like, I suppose it's what Zoe

wants to look back on is like people like Christopher Columbus and Edison who were mocked, you know. Yeah, and they were. And ended up doing really well and getting very highly respected. So more power to her elbow.

One final thing. When she suggests making a list of who attended your party, there are intolerances in the food that you served. So I think that would be great if I came round. You know my intolerances. People that say no pressure then. And I think also the food that you served would be Domino's. Free. Oh, nice.

It's very straightforward. I'm taking I'm going to an award ceremony in Birmingham in a couple of weeks. I'm taking out Keith. And I had a thing. Are you? Yeah. And they sent me a thing saying, does your brother have any dietary requirements?

I laughed for about five minutes. I've texted him, but I know it'll just be a joke about beer that comes back. But I've gone with it. I've asked. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Another Zoella insight I have here. Okay. Because one thing that strikes me about it,

and I suppose it always makes you wary of this, is anyone who sets up themselves as incredibly living in a squeaky clean, lovely, simple, uncomplicated, untainted world. You think that has to be a front. I don't know if it is with her, but I always think, well, what constitutes strangeness and difference in her world? And I think I've got an idea. I had a look at her Twitter feed,

and she gets a tweet from Tanya Burr, who I think is yet another internet sensation. I looked to our youngest member. Oh, thank you. Oh, I forgot you were our youth correspondent. I have actually met her. I hate to say it, she was very nice. That's the thing, they're nice, these people.

I called her, she put the phone down. That's why I call her Tanya Burr. Tanya? Tanya was nice. Anyway, the reason I picked up on this is because Zoe, if I may call her that, Sogo, she says to Tanya Burr, I love you and your weird tweets. And I thought, oh, I wonder what this is a response to. And Tanya's

weird tweet was, I love the smell of toast. Oh. She's like Desiree in that. I don't think Tanya was having a stroke, do you? Yeah. But it's, um, why? Is that what people smell?

Something like that oh god what about if she responded oh I love you and you were your treats and she's on the kitchen floor Tanya never mind that oh no

I hope that well that needs to be checked if anyone's listening if you live if you live close to Tanya Burr can you nip across and make sure

she's she's alright I think you wouldn't want that to be the last thing you have. Oh, no, I love the smell of toast. I love you and your weird tweets. Oh, yeah. You and your weird tweets. But I'm not suggesting that Zoe knew what had happened

and was indifferent to it. I think it was a misunderstanding. Oh, now you've worried me. I'm sorry. About Tanya. Tanya's fine. I think it was a misunderstanding. Oh, now you've worried me. I'm sorry. About Tanya. Tanya's fine. She was at the Ross's Halloween party.

Was she? She's in good health. I'm really glad to hear that. Yeah, but this tweet is a recent tweet. I only looked yesterday. Oh, no. Okay. That's what people say. I only saw her the other week.

She's fine. Well, isn't that what you say about a ghost as well? The innkeeper says that about the ghost. What? She's been dead 24 summers. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's what you say if you see someone. I don't think she's dead.

No, no. Look, no one is suggesting. We don't. If there's a lot of milk outside her house, can someone kick the door down? How old is Burra? I'm going to say... There's no age limit to...

I'm going to say early to mid-20s. Maybe 20. I might go 24, Burra. Oh, dear. Well, let's hope she's okay. I thought so with her family. They are, actually. 255 has texted,

my partner Mike butters both slices of bread. It's revolutionary. Hester on the M24. I know I butter both. Me too. Is Heston getting tips off us? I butter both. I didn't think that was revolutionary.

What about buttering them on the outside as well if you're going to put them in a toasting machine. It's absolutely absurd. Good tips from Frank Skinner here. There you go. You should put a book out. I'd hate that. It's a bit of a...

I'd hate that tip. It's a bed-sit tip. In my new book... It's Frank. That's his book. Smarmily Yours. Gittishly Yours. Exactly.

It says entertaining for gits would be a good That would be good I'd buy that She also there's a lovely picture of her with her friends

Yeah They all look happy and they've got nice woolens on Nice looking people All nice looking clean well groomed

Yeah And you know what they're laughing about? Won't be anything, won't be any cynical or caustic remark. What would be horrible, like about Tanya Burr having a stroke? It won't be anything like that.

It'll be about the word cordial being funny. Oh, yeah. Something like that. And she says in the caption, she thought we were just having fun, but now we realise we're just making memories. Oh. And I think that's a good way to do that retrospectively,

not to say, what about making some... Shall we make some memories? It sounds like the most horrible chat of life. Yeah, if a man said that to me, I'd tell you. Hey, baby. Fancy making some memories? Hey, baby isn't helping it. No, that won't help. Who says hey, baby?

I always say ooh, baby. Ooh, baby. isn't helping it no that one no who says hey baby I always say ooh baby ooh baby anyway I think we've given it enough we've done the Zogplog so that must be

a German word for something so yeah if you're looking for a present for your what do you think 12 year old

10 yeah 8 8 my daughter's 7 and she can make what do you think 12 year olds 10 yeah 8 8 my daughter's 7 and she can make a sandwich so it's still can I say

over reading good could she read Cordially Invited are you talking about Zoella possibly yeah my daughter

she does recommend buying Easter eggs for yourself and at first again I sneered and I thought do you know I've never done that.

It says, at Easter, treat yourself with an Easter egg. Oh, see. I'm going to do that, Frank. We all think there's nothing in here. Have you ever done that? Yes. Okay. And I look forward to a new book on childbirth,

umbilical cordially yours. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran you can text the show

on 81215 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website love it if you did

nice to hear from you it's not just all about sandwiches it's not all about sandwiches no It's not all about sandwiches. No, life isn't all about sandwiches. I think we should discuss I'd love that book, Frank. Life isn't all about sandwiches. I'd love that.

Would you put it up there with Pigs Eat the Dead? Who can compete with that? Sorry, Al. I always like us to discuss Sorry, I was getting on the bus the other night and a lady came up to me and said, hello, I'm collecting words of wisdom.

What's the best advice you've ever been given? And I said, what I always said is you can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but the size of the crowd at your funeral will be largely dictated by the weather. I don't know if it's what she was after. But God bless her. She got on the bus. She went to everyone on the bus and said,

hello, I'm collecting words of wisdom. And most people went, oh, I didn't want to do it. The bloke in front of me said, work hard. I thought, oh, dear. It's not words of wisdom. Words of wisdom. He sounds like he doesn't want to be on a bus anymore. I thought, oh dear. It's not a word, it's a wisdom. Word's a wisdom. He sounds like he doesn't want to be on a bus anymore. He sounds very 80s.

Yeah, Greek galley slave. What's your best word? A work hard, I think, is the best one. What did you last name, don't I? Yeah, exactly. So what did you say, Frank? That was what I said. Oh, you said that at that point.

Okay, sorry. Yeah. Well. A bit interesting. Yeah. Brave. I mean, to talk to anyone on a bus is uh i find the drivers are fairly hostile yes true except for as you've always pointed out driver's friend oh which is a lovely role oh yeah i love a driver's friend i see less and less driver's friends these are the

people who stand at the front and talk to the driver. They know the driver. And they've got a slight VIP status. I think it might be health and safety. I'd like to see one, like, gaffer taped to the outside of the driver's cubicle for safety purposes. Anyway, sorry, Al, I interrupted you. Yeah, I was going to suggest that we discuss Emil Rattleband, who I think... You always bring him up up i think he may be on the cusp of becoming a friend of the show oh yeah or he might be a bit of a git he might be a

filthy creep or a legend i don't know wow well i don't we don't often do multiple choice he's a he's a he's a dude in the netherlands who's apparently a media personality. Love him. He's 69 years old and is trying to change his legal age to 49. Yeah. Because a doctor told him... Is it 49? Because I said 49 and the producer shot me down in flames and said

it was 45. A doctor told him that he's got the body of a 45 year old. His real age, his physical age is 45 so he's gone, well I think I should identify as 49. And he says in the article, if you can change your gender, why can't I change my age? That's an interesting... As a point.

I think, well, a doctor said to me recently that I had the blood pressure of a 12-year-old schoolboy. But, you know, that's one of the nicest compliments you've ever had. Well, not during exam week, surely. No, exactly. I better keep that one under my hat, under my cap. He also said... Emil.

What about Emil? No, no, this is... Oh, your doctor. I was told, in a medical, and I wrote this down, that I'm in the top, have I told you this before? I'm in the top 10% of the population as far as the waist-hips ratio is concerned. What do you mean, Jagger?

Moves like Jagger. Top 10%, well, he's probably in the 10% with me. Top 10%. I love that he's conceded. He's probably in the top 10% with me, Jagger. The doctor said I could leap through an on-strong tennis racket. That is useful. Yeah.

Isn't that nice? So you've got a lion waist. I'll tell you the only thing, yeah. The only thing that spoils it, I've got the lion head as well, but the only thing that spoils it is that during the medical, they said, right're going to put they put these sticky things on me

with wires stuck them on my chest and on my wrist oh the subonic man love that yeah and I had to sit still

for two minutes that was the challenge just sit still for two minutes so I sat there still for two minutes and then she looked at the readings

and said oh not so good and I thought what a fat old sitting still for two minutes fidgety so that was so yeah, so you know

what was that all about then? you know, gutters and strikes gutters and strikes yeah, I'm really, I don't know. You've never explained it. She just said, I think it's to do, I thought if I'm going to sit for two minutes, I'll think about work and stuff.

And I think I was supposed to just, you know, think about cordially inviting people around. Yeah. But yeah, so brilliant waist-hips ratio, fantastic blood pressure, sitting still, very poor. That's why I never worked for the council. Oh, God.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Ratings. This is some Emil Rattleband. Legend. Well, his Dutch proverb, I take more hay

on my fork. Yeah. Can we have more of an analysis of that, please? I think he means if he's allowed to put his age

as 49, he'll get more swipes on Tinder or more likes. I think he means if he's allowed to put his age as 49, he'll get more swipes on Tinder or more likes. I don't know what Tinder involves but I think... The young people will know. Is it swipe less? Yeah. He wants more women on Tinder, essentially.

That's why I think he might be a little bit of a filthy creep. No, well, hold on. I think he might just be lonely. I'm just trying to categorise him for the show. Legend, friend of the show, filthy creep. Just trying to put him in a... Well, one thing that's made me warm to him,

I have to say, is he said, if I could change my Tinder age to 49, and I quote, he said I'd be in a luxurious position. That is fantastic. I think, is it different from

having a sex change? If he really feels 49, and the doctor says he's got the body of a bloke in his 40s. And his whole mindset... Like he said to you, where's this going? No, but the way he dresses, everything.

If he really feels 49, should we stop him from being 49? The slight fly in the ointment of this is that I've seen a photo of him and he looks at least 62. Do you think? Yeah, yeah. God, that's harsh, Al.

So I think if he puts on Tinder that he's 49, people will go, God, you must have had a hard paper round. I didn't think there were any hills in the Netherlands. But I have to say, if I said I'm identifying as a woman, I'm going to have a sex change, you wouldn't say, well, look at you, you look like a bloke to me. You'd think that was an outrageous thing to say. No, I wouldn't say that.

Not on air anyway. Can I be honest what I'd say? You've got the legs for it. Well, there you go. Well, maybe he's got the legs for a 49er. I think it's a really interesting theory because he feels he's been, he said, you know, there's jobs I can't get. I'm being shunned on Twitter.

But in my heart, I feel I am 49, not 69. 69, yeah. Yeah, it's tricky, isn't it? Well, I have to say, if I'm going to be, and I'm not saying this, I'm going to be completely honest with you I always love those moments I identify as

the funniest bloke on the planet now I honestly do whatever now enforcing that publicly it's not always straight forward but I do so does that mean I can claim to be the funniest bloke on the... Yeah, in the new era, yeah, you can.

I can. I'm not saying it's a joke. I know it sounds like, but I really do. I've never met anyone funnier than me. That's what I'm saying. When you say, does that mean I can claim, as if it's some hypothetical concept, you do often claim it.

No, but this whole concept of identifying. I mean, if what age do I? I never thought of identifying as a different age. That's interesting. Obviously I don't wish to discuss my age but how old do you how old would you identify

as, Frank Skinner? Well, I identify as someone who died in 2005. Can I claim the insurance? Yeah. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had various people get in touch about this age realignment idea, as I'm calling it.

787 has texted, I'm getting on the bus and train half price me. I've decided I'm 15. Yeah, but you can't just decide. You have to identify. You have to feel it. Oh. Gotta feel it.

Feel it. I suppose you've got to prove as well that throughout your life there have been, you know, signs that things have been going in this direction. I know, but you don't want to say, yeah, ever since I was at school, I thought I was 49. Well, that's true of me, to be fair.

Right. 632 is saying, hi Frank, I'm a 37-year-old male, can I identify as a 69-year-old and collect my pension? And then we're getting also the, you know, I feel like a 45 year old, etc.

You know where that road goes down. But this is all very well, but I think there is an acknowledgement that some people's brains are fitted for different other than their physical thing. Yeah. I think this is fascinating.

He won't win will he? do you think he'll win? if he wins he's going to go crazy also he'll be the most famous person on tinder won't he because he'll be the celebrity, everyone will know oh yes

I don't know if his position will be quite as luxurious as he thinks I don't know if there'll be so much hay on his fork. He did say that there's a pen to contact him. He said as a younger man he'd be able to have a rustic office. He said as a younger man he'd be able to have a different

car. That's one of the things that he said. Well he's right. What in Holland you can have a different car if you're a different. Well no there's certain cars that you shouldn't really drive at a certain age. Come on. Convertible anyone? Exactly. Oh, right.

Is that what he means? Are you with me on that? Yeah, I suppose. You don't want to be in a convertible if you've got a hairpiece. Toupee. What is the cut-off age, Frank, for a convertible? Text in 8, 12, 15. Well, the reason I don't have one, I think,

is because if you were out with it, if you were the sort of person that went out with a younger woman and you were in a convertible, you're liable to really drive quick thinking that your face will benefit from the G-force. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Emily just really made me laugh with a Michael Portillo quote. Ah.

Does it share it or is it not? Yes, I think that's okay, isn't it? Yeah. I'm sure I've told you this one when I had lunch with him once. He was talking about a woman. I didn't know you'd had lunch with Michael Portillo. Oh, yeah. Many years ago.

That'd be a good TV show. Yeah, it would be great. We were talking about, I won't name her, but it was a female journalist. I'll tell you off air. If you come up to anything in the street, I might tell you, but I just won't broadcast it. And I said, what's she like?

And he said, well, she's the worst person I've ever met, and I've met General Pinochet. Wow. So there you go. Great line. Yeah. Strong one. It's a bit Pinochet-ist.

No, that is. How many of us can use that, though? Well, I know. He's done well there. He's carved himself a little niche. I like the way you sounded like Andy Gray. He's done well there. He's carved himself a little niche. I like the way you sounded like Andy Gray. He's done well there. No, but no one's going to say,

well, I'm having that. And who's going to... Who's met General Pinochet? Is Pinochet dead now? I believe so. I think so. I think that boat's sailed. 85 still alive, General Pinochet?

To be fair, Frank... I think he identifies as 49. He identifies as a liberal. To be fair, Frank, you could do that. I mean, Pinochet's one of the few you haven't met. No, I haven't met Pinochet. I'm talking, I'm bandying his name about it. I don't know much about Pinochet.

OK, it's not great. He's not great. Well, there is to know. OK? I'm taking it from the context. He's not great. What's there is to know? Okay. I'm taking it from the context. Yeah. He's not great. Jack the Gardener

from Bromley here has texted. He's then murderer. One of the craze. I've met one of the craze. Have you? He's actually quite nice. Well, you could use that

in that little anecdote. You could say she's the worst woman I've ever met and I've met. Doesn't have the same... No, no, but he was all right, though. Yeah.

Charlie. Charlie Cri. I know he disposed of the body of Jack the Hat McFitty, but, you know, we've all had things we regret. Things we're not proud of, yeah. Jack the Gardener from Bromley asks... No, he didn't do it. What happens if this guy changes his age,

then when he's older, outlives the world's oldest man? Does he then change his age back to his real one to claim the world record? I'm confused. No, well, if I was the world's oldest man, I would be a bit upset if someone was identifying their self ahead of me in the world's oldest man. This is an implication I have to be honest I hadn't thought about.

No, me neither. I wonder if this will come up in court. But, gentle ladies and gentlemen of the jury, consider, if you will, the world's oldest man. Would it be fair would it be just for him to lose his title that he has worked hard for

because of paperwork do you know Frank you'd be a really wonderful judge like a disturbing version of Rumpel of the Bailey do you know what I like he's got his brown cat file hoodie on today to be a really wonderful judge. It's like a dystopian version of Rumpole of the Bailey. Do you know what I like? He's got his brown cadphile hoodie on today. I like that. I can see him as a sort of Judge Pickle

for the millennium. I feel that was more of a prosecuting attorney. You're correct. It's not the judge's role. Did I say attorney in England? When I said that it sounded American. Don't think they do. No, I don't.

Is it counsel, I believe? Oh, you know what I mean. We know exactly what you mean. The one who's after them. That's the one I'm on about. Yeah, so that's... There's so many implications to this. Yeah.

A lot of knock-on experiences. So many. I mean, what happens... Do you... What about all the beige clothes he's bought? Yeah. Can he get the money back on them? Good point. Very difficult.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank, you have a good relationship with your mother-in-law, don't you? I would say so, yeah. OK. Salvatore Maniano doesn't. Manino?

Does he know my mother-in-law? No. OK. No, I'm sure he would. Who doesn't love a bit of Sandy Mason? Well... This man, I'm afraid he had a terrible relationship with his mother-in-law. Salvatore?

Yeah, Salvatore. It's so bad that he decided to run away from her. And he was found in Edinburgh, in St. Giles' Cathedral. Oh, yes. And he faked memory loss. Do you remember this story? He pretended. No, I don't remember.

Yeah. I can't remember it by that effect. I can't remember it. Let's leave it to ring the small bell. I can't remember. Yeah. remember yeah so he disappeared and the police were looking for him and then they discovered that on his computer um always clear your history men and women but mainly men let's face it he looked up terms such as how to disappear and how to fake memory loss. I don't quite understand why he faked memory loss. I don't, but I don't think we should skate over how scary it is, the idea of the police looking at your Google searches. Some of mine are really stupid.

I wonder where that was going. Yeah, exactly. Keep it clean. So you're confused as to why he would need to fake the memory lock? Well, if you want to avoid your mother-in-law by going to another country, why not? Can't you just... That's legal, isn't it?

Well, listen, but when he was discovered, though, maybe he knew he didn't want to incur her fury at that point. I see. So he had to say, oh, I forgot. I didn't know. No, I think it's fair to say that his mother-in-law will probably help him remember this incident. She sounds quite formidable.

She says, um... Leaving to avoid your mother-in-law. Is he getting his advice from Bernard Manning? Through a medium, obviously. Yeah, he said... I like that there was a rumour that they suggested he put about that he was on the run from the Chinese mafia. I like that he's more frightened of his mother-in-law than Chinese mafia. No, I think it did transpire that she's in the Chinese mafia.

She spoke about it. She said, I'm not the reason for his flight. She said, I'll respect my daughter's decision whether to take him back. Oh, God. And then, here's the kicker. But we cannot be living in the same house now. Oh.

Well, that's a result for him. It sounds like he's getting what he's wanted. Yeah. Oh, so she... Well, you know. She does live with them, you see. This is the thing. It can be tricky.

Well, the idea that the police stop you and you say, I just can't remember anything. And then he said he was interviewed in Italy and they realised he had no memory loss whatsoever. Well, what did he... He must have really messed up that interview.

He must have just said have you got memory loss no I mean otherwise you just say I don't know I can't remember anything it's easy isn't it

it's the easiest fake interview in ever they might have tested him they might have done some thrown some sneaky things in oh do you remember when Oasis played at Nebwa oh yeah

and then if he admitted to it if you just brought up events in the... How long did he say he'd lost his memory for? No, but memory loss, I mean, it's all sort of random bits. I don't think you could remember Oasis at Nebworth and still not remember your home life. Oh, I see.

I'm sure there's lots of our listeners that are in exactly that position. Particularly people who saw Oasis at Nemworth. Yeah. Exactly. Anyway, are they back together now? Who? The Gallaghers? No, no.

Apparently, Noel Rettinson, he doesn't remember anything about it. Is it an happy ending to this story? Oh, I don't know. I mean, there is a sort of happy ending insofar as that when he was found in the cathedral in Scotland, the Scottish police flew his wife and his children over.

Who's paying for that? The taxpayer. Here's the thing. So they did all right, didn't they? Yeah, but if they'd have flown the mother-in-law over, I mean, I would have paid money for that. I think you'll find she's got her own broomstick.

Oh, let's end on a 70s comedy note. OK, so look. It identifies as 2018. I've seen it in a blue dress shirt, ruffled dress shirt now. Exactly. So, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week we'll be seeing you

you're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio want your Frank fix a little sooner? listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM

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