The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Why Them?

Episode Date: September 17, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by The Cockerel and The Divine Miss Em. He went to see Aladdin and paid his first visit to M&M World. The team discuss Bake Off, School uniform and take a trip to email corner.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 812 15. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That's good. Morning. I like that. It's nice. Morning. Morning, boys. You boys are looking

so smart today. Both got suits. Isn't it? Yeah, well, you know, the leaves are falling. I've got my powder blue coat, because it's London Fashion Week. Frank feels a bit like he's sort of very in tune with the weather today. It feels like he's really noticed

autumn. Do you know what I mean? I was walking to my art class on Monday night and a conker landed not six feet from me. And I thought, it is autumn. Yeah. What about that? Quote me on that. Well, it sounds like it's already an entry in Samuel Johnson's diary.

Exactly. The first conkeller. How was your art class? Not bad. We had a life model in this, mate. Kept his pants on. Strangest conversation ever. I like that.

Do you? Yes. Do they keep the pants on these days? There's plenty of work with the legs and stuff. You don't want... Yeah. OK, yeah. You can't do a serious drawing of the

gentleman's excuse. Oh. You say that? You haven't seen my etchings? Well, not yet. I went to see your etchings at Turquoisey Little Flat. Yes, anyway. So, um... Oh, I went to Aladdin,

by the way, last week. After last week's show? You were very excited about it. I was. I was so jealous, Al the way, last week, speaking of which. After last week's show. Yeah. Very excited about it. I was. I was so jealous, Al, because it's one of my favourite. I don't think Frank knew what an Aladdin fan I was. No, I hadn't quite realised what a big hit the movie had been.

Mm-hm. Because I didn't watch sort of children's films then. It didn't bother Emily. She had it on in the car,track. I know, but I just liked it. I've always loved Disney movies. Arabian North. Yes, it was very funny. Our New World, that's in there

as well, isn't it? It is. Well done. I sung it to Buzz at brunch beforehand to get him in the mood. And I think he liked it, but then when I said, don't you dare close your eyes, which is one of my favourite lines. It's a bit aggressive though. He got a little worried, I think. I thought he liked it, but then when I said, don't you dare close your eyes, which is one of my favourite lines, it's a bit aggressive, though. He got a little worried, I think. I thought he'd been told.

Yes. You were throwing salt in his face. At the time. Picked it up from his great-grandad. Indeed. But I've always said you can't beat a flying carpet because it won't stay on the clouds long. Oh, yeah.

And the flying carpet was brilliant. Was it? I mean, it was properly, it was flying you couldn't see it, I couldn't see a string, I couldn't see were you sprinting looking for them is that what you were doing, that's what I would have been doing when you see any kind of effect how could they do that I thought there would be a big arm, a big mechanical arm

there might be some East European men in black polo and ex-sweaters. Reebok trainers, Al. And the gloves. Do you remember when the Superman films were out? This is a long time ago. Christopher Reeve. Yeah. And they said, you cannot see a seam on the Superman costume.

Whenever he's in it, you cannot see a seam. And I'm pretty sure lots of people went to the film and did that squinting thing going, there must be, there must be a seam. Apparently you can't see a seam in any shot. He filled it beautifully. It never bothered me. I used to, when Stingray came out of the water. Oh, raise the bar, why don't you?

There used to be droplets on the strings. Who cares? I don't care about that. I couldn't work out the flaw. And I'll tell you something now about that. about that. I couldn't work out the plot. And I'll tell you something now about that, is that the the abdomens

of some of the best abdomens I've ever seen. Of Aladdin? No, what is it? On the actors? Yeah. I thought we were still on Stingray. And actresses. Frank, can I ask you a question? Was there a lot of, yeah, because I think there's a lot of a lot of make-up. It's quite strictly

in that sense, isn't it? Yeah, there's a lot of a lot of makeup it's quite strictly in that sense isn't it yeah there's a lot of you know because it's it's set in a sort of uh one of them palace things did you just go into a trans light state about abdomens i was just thinking when you said sort of left us for a moment well when you said was it what do you mean on the actors when i'm thinking of the abdomens they were they were all on female actors. Oh, were they? Were they eight-packs? I think you can talk about... Do women have eight-packs rather than six-packs? Eight-packs. I mean, it's some of the best abdomens I've ever seen in the West End.

This is why I'm not a reviewer. Yes. You couldn't have done it without a theatre. Five stars. Yeah. The best abdomens in town, The Guardian. Michael Billington. Of course, the Guardian would probably say,

do a big write-up about the illegal imprisonment of genies. No, it was... Really, when you see the human abdomen, I think... I always think of Sunita, who had one of the great abdomens. I always... But I do I do think well you couldn't you couldn't put salt in your navel and do put hard-boiled egg in it there's no no way there's

no way to really settle for salt do you know what I mean yeah did it impact on you any other way other than the abdomen yes did you notice anything it? I was very impressed by The Cave of Wonders. So I've heard, but what was the musical actually like? That was my farewell speech to a lot of women on tour. Thank goodness. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. No, it was The Cave of Wonders.

You know the bit where they get the lamp and all that? Oh, yeah. It was so golden and sparkling. What about The Magic Carpet Ride? Excellent. OK. Genie, top notch. You sound like a football manager going to see a show.

Yeah, that's good. Excellent. It did make me think though, um, you know they say all that glisters is not gold. Mmm. Is that what they say? That is what they say, yeah. Not glitters. No, I think that's- I thought it was glisters. I think people- I think it's glisters. Glisters? Yeah. I think he might be right. I think glitter might be one of the millennials. Apologies to all those in this room.

No, I thought glissons. Does that make me non-millennial and not right? What was the thing that we argued about? Think and think coming. Yeah, another think coming. Well, if you think it's glissons, you've got another thing. Or that glitters. No, it's not glitters, Al.

It's not, thanks, Al. No, he thinks it's glissons. No, you think it's glissons.'s not glitters al it's not frank no he thinks it's glistens no you think we should we should listen more carefully very good i mean that is good no i think it's glisters as in blisters oh okay anyway okay i believe it's shakespeare right okay him that guy um anyway heard of him but i did it So it was great and Buzz loved it and stuff, but I did find myself thinking the three wishes thing. Yes. Too many?

Well, no, it's just... It would actually be... What does he wish Aladdin? No spoiler alert, but what does he wish? He wishes... He'll waste one on eternal life or something. Prince is one of them. Oh, to be a prince. Come on.

Obviously marry princess, etc. But also, he promises the genie the last wish so he can wish for his freedom. It's a very socialist message. Right. But that immediately puts him down to two real wishes, doesn't it? But the truth is...

I know you think of it like that. I would genuinely give Frank one of my wishes. You wouldn't. That is nice, but he's got a lot of things already. No, as a thank you for your friendship.

Oh. I would. Oh, that's, but see, if you've got friends, you don't need wishes. Oh, yeah. That's why I'd have all three.

No, but it's actually really tricky. I mean, you could say, you know, just get them out the way and just say, banana armour, just get them out of the way and just say Bananarama. Atomic hit now.

Maybe you could go for it. Maybe, yeah. But the way it would be is I think you'd have your three wishes. And how long before you were doing something else and you thought, oh, I know what I should have had. Yeah. It would drive you mad for the rest of your life. So true. Yeah. Also, they'd change. They do change, don't they? What you want changes, don't it?

Year on year, even. Yeah, totally. Like not long ago on this show, I think I mentioned that we currently don't have a garlic crush. You know, a presser. You can't waste it on that, Al. Well, back in the day, I've had them. So I don't need it now, but there was a time in my life where I really wanted one of those you can't waste a wish on that I would have once wished for a driver

that was my greatest wish I know that's quite shallow but I thought that would be utterly life changing the time spent travelling and now I like a walk

I've got my fitness and you like a drive you're a motoring correspondent I like a drive and also I don't want to turn into some fat cat isolated from society.

But that would be an interesting angle on the motoring correspondence if it wasn't you driving. If you're sitting in the back and you're just... It could be called the backseat driver. Oh, that'd be good. And you're talking about the car. I think that's brilliant. The car and stuff, but also criticising the person's driving.

That sounds good. Yeah. I love that idea. With you constantly peering round the headrest going, oh, what? Oh! Who can we pitch this to? Let's talk during the next song. BBC's got a gap. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm too busy with backseat driving. My new motor and column. That is a great idea. Thanks for that, Frank. I really think we should get some people onto that. Yeah, because also you can do better.

You know, when you're not driving yourself, you can talk more about it. I mean, it's a different experience. We all get driven all the time. Yeah. Don't we? People get in cabs. Yeah. Ubers.

Oh, don't say that word. Oh, yeah. As soon as you say Uber, some people complain. What? They'll say ah uber that sort of thing yeah yeah i agree with that whatever it means that's what we'll get i always assume they're just waiting for one when they say that no i don't think so anyway if we love a london black car what would you what about this this is like a proper radio phoning. What would your wish be? Oh.

Eh? Out of the three of you... 8, 12, 15. We don't want to hear three wishes. We don't care. No, out of the three. But one. I don't want to hear all three, Frank.

Just one novelty wish. It's going to be a difficult day for 937 who's texted saying, my actual name is Jeannie. Funny parents. Well, we're probably going to talk about Jeannies for a while now if we're doing wishes, aren't we? Is it a lady, Genie? I don't know. Are you a lady? 937. What is it spelled?

G-E-N-I-E. Actually spelled like that? My actual name is Genie. Yeah, but Al, I'm not sure you can go around now just shouting, are you a lady, at people. I bet I shout it three times between here and brunch. I should just say, I don't go around. I'm just doing it now in a broadcast into the nation context. Can you still sing, dude looks like a lady?

Is that all? No. That's gone. No. I'm so out of touch. It's terrible. I don't know what to say next. I'd probably go... Where would you to say next. I'd probably go...

Where would you go, Al? I'd probably go bigger nose. I've always felt like I could cope with a slightly bigger nose. Really? That's not a wish. I've got a big face. And I'm quite a tall bloke. You're a tall bloke. But I've got a tiny nose.

That's not a wish. That's access to my contacts book. Oh, no, I'm not prepared for surgery. I want the genie to sort it pain-free. That'd be rubbish. That'd be rubbish? Well, the trouble is, what about if he says, OK, then ping, your glasses fall off?

Right. I think it's a waste of a wish. You think so? Don't you? Well, let me do what I want with my wishes. Every wish is a waste of a wish. No, because I'd wish for something you couldn't buy. So I know I said my driver.

Hold on, I'm still thinking about it. No, I know i said my driver oh i'm still thinking about it no i know i said my driver but i'd wish for something else i'd wish for something like a selective amnesia oh that's quite handy isn't it there are some things you'd rather erase i'm already developing my own selective this is a true thing i I lay in bed last night thinking, have we got a front gate? Oh, no, you haven't. We haven't. No, I would have checked this morning, but I forgot. I forgot to check.

I was thinking, I cannot. I didn't think we'd got one, but I couldn't put my hand on my heart and say, we have not got a front gate. Do you think that's just selective amnesia or that you've got that many properties that you just i must have a front gate somewhere yeah well you will have no but what a thing to forget whether i've got a front gate or not yeah i mean i walk through it well i don't want to explain got one yeah you don't walk through it every day oh have you got a front gate 8 12 15 oh by the way it is definitely glisters we've got

a text from clint from crawley that says i said it's definitely glister glisters i've seen it in books more than once so it's literally man well we know specifically what book it is because Poppy said Frank is right. The original quote is from The Merchant of Venice. Here you go. Glisters. Here you go. Love it. Loving it.

Loving it. The Merchant of Venice. Shakespeare there. What a guy. Here on Absolute Radio. Where real music glisters. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've all said it. And we're running the, I would say, innovative texting. What would you wish for if you met the genie, innit? That's what you wanted. Yeah. 8, 12, 15.

wish for if you met the genie, innit? That's what you wanted. 8, 12, 15. Frank, why not wish for a gate from Chris in Uneaten? I could wish for a gate. I don't want a gate, though. Is that another part of the thing? One thing I would say, I find with a gate,

it's additional maintenance, Al. That's the point of them, though. They don't keep people out, do they? They don't. They swing in the storm, I find. Yeah, they do. Yeah. So there you go, Christian and Neaton. It turns out he doesn't really want...

Was that the wind blowing? Or the creaking of the gate? Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops are rattling in their crate? Is this Pam Ayres? It sounded a bit like Pam Ayres, didn't it? It was Ernie, the fastest milkman in the West. Oh. Oh.

Remember? We've had a traditional joke sent. Oh! Trans old school joke. What kind of pet did Aladdin have? A flying car pet. OK. What is a car pet?

Well, it's... They wanted us dogs, so they nodded no. Oh, OK. I'm a car pet? Well, it's been one of those dogs with a nod in. Oh, OK. I'm not sure I'm having that. Because it doesn't actually make sense. It does, doesn't it? It's a pet. It's like when... But a car isn't a pet. No, a car pet.

Yeah. What kind of pet? I understand it, I just don't think it works i think you're being too harsh sometimes with a joke you just have to luxuriate yeah just ollie in salford says one of my wishes would be for more al adin on the show ah that was when i uh when you used to do maths i perform mental arithmetic for the nation yeah there isn't there isn't enough of that there is a definite glass ceiling on my mental arithmetic ability, though, so I think we may have ran that one dry.

After being a reader since the very start of the show, my geeky superfan wish would be to join you three for brunch on Saturday to talk about other radio presenters and definitely not discuss food. I could do that with my normal friends. Hey! Good research. I like that. That's nice. Who's that from? No, that Hey! Good research. I like that. That's nice.

Who's that from? No, that's from Mash in Battersea. Mash. We're not meant to talk about food, but he's called Mash. That's going to be tricky. That's going to be really tricky. Isn't it? And also we'll keep going,

Suicide is famous. 004 has texted. People live in the present, I find out a lot. Ian Martin, right now my wish would be to own an umbrella or a coat so I could leave the flat. Maybe that's the best way to do it, though, is to just do quick random wishes and get it out of the way. I think it's a terrible burden, the three wishes.

Yeah. I'd say to the genie, you know what, mate, you're all right. When I interviewed Ringo Starr at one of the uh research team who went up to him and said look i never ask anyone for a photograph but i'd really went no you're all right and just walk as if he was doing him a favor Somebody suggested on the text in that you wish for a TARDIS, Frank, you fool. They've added. Wish for a TARDIS, that would be brilliant. Then you could travel, obviously, through time and space.

Oh, that would save you topping up your Oyster card, wouldn't it, for a start? Yeah, and we also had someone rather lovely saying, I wish that Frank returns to play Engineer Perkins in a follow-up Doctor Who episode. Isn't that nice? I dreamt. You've got your crowd. That's broken my dream, as they say.

I dreamt last night, I was talking to the people at, Stephen Moffat, mainly, at Doctor Who. You dreamt this. at Stephen Moffat, mainly, at Doctor Who. You drank this? Yeah, and they said they were doing a revival of the Orient Express thing, but I was the only character that wasn't returning. That was the dream I had last night. How did the dinner end? Not well.

I don't think it was a dinner. I think he'd found me in his garden. In the dream, did you have management that could step in? No, no, no. I never include management in the dreams. I don't know how we'd work out the percentage. We've had another text in from 799 saying, Hi, Frank, M&L.

My wish is something that I think Frank will appreciate, and it's the ability to always find a good car parking space near my destination. That would be brilliant, though. Because no matter where you were going, even if you were going to, like, an enormous, like the Queen's 90th anniversary something, you could say, I'll drive.

I love Frank's idea of a hot ticket. No, I'm thinking of places where you think, I'll never be able to park there. I mean, you could drive to the FA Cup final knowing you were going to get a parking space near Park. Can you say that? Some people have the parking confidence. David Baddiel, I mean, I famously,

I say famously between the two of us, I always laugh at him about this, because he drives to things like the BAFTAs. I know. And parks. And he gets the space people he has the confidence and it wins out but they don't mind they don't mind a bit of a walk see if i'm not going to partner but i was i was at the rara club in piccadilly circus with anton de beck good

story recently best opening ever excellent and um so many chapters tootes. He said I'm parked in Covent Garden. So he'd written... I mean, he's a man who likes the feel of stitched leather against his palms, clearly. Yeah. But he parked in Covent Garden, which is like a 15-minute walk. Oh, I'll do that often, Frank.

You people. You say that. You used to park in Collindale when you first moved to London. You didn't think you could drive into central London. No, I didn't think that was allowed. He didn't. I thought I'd end up my car being upside down and on fire. I'd be surrounded by urchins.

That's what I thought would happen. Well, I think 799 has hit the nail on the head, though. A good car parking space. That's probably the best wish we've had so far. It is. Definitely better than me wishing for a slightly bigger nose. Also, it, Frank. It's the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it?

Because it's not like it just happens. It's going to be there forever. Just to drive through the crowds. You love it. It's brilliant. With my driver, I'm not going to need this. But anyway. No, exactly.

Can we also call a moratorium on text as such? We can. I don't have the number, but we can. 455. 418. Hi, exactly. Can we also call a moratorium on text as such? We can. I don't have the number, but we can. 455. Hi, Frank. Make two wishes, then wish for three more wishes. No, I don't think you can do that. I don't think there's got to be a limit. We've got another one saying, wish for

limitless wishes. No, no, but the genie has terms and conditions. Has he got T and T's? He reads them off really quickly. He couldn't repeat a quote. He couldn I make anyone love you or repeat it? He doesn't do that. It would be quite funny if he did, actually. They're listening to people from the show.

You can have that. That is a good idea. But he does say things like you can't make someone fall in love with you, for example. That's one of the wishes. All right. That seems like a good way to do it. Yeah. Never heard of alcohol.

Or money. Yeah. What else makes people fall in love with you? Make 12.15. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you where I went pre-Aladdin,

by the way. Where? Pre-Aladdin. I'm asking. I think I know this, don't I? Because I was with you. Pre-Aladdin, by the way. Where? Pre-Aladdin. Pre-Aladdin. Well, I'm asking. I think I know this, don't I? Because I was with you. Pre-Aladdin. We went to... Oh, of course. We went to the M&M's shop. You ever been there? No. It's not themed

around the popular hip-hop style. No, no, it's the streets, isn't it? Yeah, well, I say shop. I'd say it's a superstore. It wouldn't be an exaggeration. I'd say it's a world. M&M's world, I, it's the streets, isn't it? Yeah, when I say shop, I'd say it's a superstore. It wouldn't be an exaggeration. I'd say it's a world. M&M's World, I think it is. It's always puzzled me that having that prime bit of real estate...

I want to say to people outside London, this isn't like Leicester Square. Absolute prime spot. Yeah? Yeah. Although I've always found it a bit... I mean, it's not literally low rent It's a bit Paul Raymond

I mean Leicester Square in general But the I don't know If I was the person who'd invented Smarties I'd stand outside the M&M shop And think where did I go wrong Yeah Why are M&Ms got their own shop

Smarties barely got their own tube? I don't even think it's the best one for the shop. But which were first? Were Smarties first? Yeah. There ought to be a court case. Surely someone's noticed they are quite similar. In their nature.

Have M&M's got anything in them or are they just like chocolate? They're just chocolate discs. You can get peanut. Chocolate discs covered in that, whatever that's... So they're not all peanut. With the M on them. And you can get peanut M&M's, Al. Yeah, that's

the ones that I'm aware of. No, no, but it's basically it's chocolate that's been enameled. Right, yeah, yeah. That's the general sense of it. But Smarties, I cannot... They're the same sweet. I prefer Smarties. One's got a big shop. Are the Smarty people... That might be the problem.

Are they getting on with the job rather than going, let's show off? What, making the suites? No, I think one of the problems is the M&Ms have got... It's a show-off shop, isn't it? Alan's just accused them of being show-offs, the people who make M&Ms. It's like a big show-off shop, isn't it?

It's like, yeah, we're doing that well, we've got this corner of Leicester Square. Have you been in there? It was extraordinary, wasn't it? But you can't imagine a bounty superstore. No, I don't understand. I can't imagine any confectionery. I'd like double-decker. Come on, flake, old twigs and gnarled old branches. Oh, yes. Like a

forest of fleas. They could be served by, like, stick insects serving behind them. Well, no, the 70s lady in the floppy hat. Oh, come on. Couldn't get away with that. No, but... He's having a moment.

I think part of it is because there's a figure, there's a sort of character involved with M&M's in the way that it isn't with Smarties. Is the character essentially two arms with white gloves? I wouldn't say that's a

character. They've taken the sweet and given it life. Smarties, they're just get them out there. They've sort of merged the M&M and Mr Potato head, haven't they? There's no like Smartie Pants, the Smarties man, that I know of.

If there's ever been an anthropomorphic version of a Smarty, let us know at 8, 12, 15. I know everyone does this phone-in, but, you know, sometimes... I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Why do they get a shop and Smarties don't? It's a scandal. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio Webby.

We've got all sorts going on this morning. All sorts? They could have a shop because they've got Bertie Bassett. I see that with a lot of modernist furniture. I think that could work well with the all sorts.

That would be a shop. Those poof things they used to have in home homes in the 70s you could have that based on you know the jelly one with the little hundreds and thousands on it oh i know it well blue and pink my friend oh i'd happily put my feet up on one of those i don't think i've ever eaten one of those right they're my favorite i feared them i've always felt bad they're my favorites as they're not actually licorice-based. They're nice, though. And I don't like the solid tube licorice. Oh, I do.

Well, you know what? My favourite is the Cerise. The Cerise all sort with the black centre. You know what it sounds like, guys? It sounds like we could happily share a bag. You know what I'm feeling coming on? A bit of an all sorts party. We all like different ones.

No, you know what? There's an element of the Spratt family about this. Yeah, we would lick the all-sort platter clean. But why not have a licorice all-sort shop? It's British. I don't know why we don't. You know, this is the age of Brexit. We shouldn't have M&M's.

We should have Bertie Bassett. Also, I think, if I remember rightly, Bertie Bassett has a walking stick. Does he? Yeah, so it's that's a kind to the elderly thing yeah yeah what about revels just a load of surprises never know what's around any corner there's no mr revel oh yeah you're right i know a few mr revel they could have Nick Revel, the comedian. Yes. I don't know if he'd lend himself to a backpack. Maybe not.

Now, you've also been talking about the three wishes. Michael says one of his wishes would be to visit the new Forest Reptile Museum. Yes. Which you were unable to find. I imagine there'll be parking nearby because no one's ever found it. Excellent listening, though. He's managed to merge two stories. Now, that is good stuff.

That's fusion. That's absolute radio fusion, which will never happen as a channel. And then we've had a review of Eminem World. A lot of other people have found themselves wandering in there. Ali says, M&M World works. No idea why, but I've been sucked in. £100 worth of cushions.

Wow! But I didn't think people went there to do their soft furnishing. Well, in fairness, Ali, I don't think most people do. Who thinks? You know what? I've just bought this new place. I'm going to the M&M shop to... Get a coffee table. Not heels. It would just be a big M&M with four little sticks on the bottom of it. I like the idea of someone making a Pinterest board.

Yeah, I've got some ideas. I'll get a mood board together for the interior design. It's mainly yellow and a bit of brown. But once you've got your giant M&M coffee table and people say, there you go, there's your coffee. Oh, don't put it on the slope. Go central. If you're going to go slope, it needs to have

a bit of stickiness to it. You're alright with a lemon drizzle. Put a lemon drizzle on the side. The hot stuff needs to go at the apex of the curvature. Oh, what about when I gave Buzz a pound? He put it in the machine. This is a great thing that happens at M&M World. Oh, yeah?

I gave him a pound. Is it Cool World? Has someone added that? No, it is Cool World. So it's supposed to be a theme park. Yes. I gave Buzz a pound, and there's a great game at M&M World

where you give a child a pound, they put it in the machine they get a penny back no i mean it's all gone a bit brexit and also a squashed penny that you can't yeah it's one of those when it stamps it into a shape i mean buzz was happy i couldn't see what on earth it was it was some sort of vintage car i'm assuming it had two m&ms driving it yeah well i was desperately searching for a reference point in there, and so I found fashion, which always anchors me, and I saw a little baseball cap, which I tried

on. M&M World. But that actually looked alright. That would be great. If you started to wear an M&M baseball cap, that would be a turn up for the books. It looked much better than the jacket I tried on with the coconut mushroom epaulettes. Absolute. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got various theories about the M&M shop. OK. And one of them from 344 is, I think there were two brothers named Mark and Matthew, brackets M&M. I get it. And Mark was like, oh, let's introduce a character to sell more M&M merchandise.

Matthew didn't like the idea, so Mark said, well, go and make your own chocolate smarty pants. And so his theory... No, that's not true. I think he's very much basing this on Rudolph and Adidasler, the Puma and Adidas people. We've also got a number of people telling us, for example, Andrew Clifford, saying,

the M&M shop, did you know it doesn't actually sell a normal packet of M&Ms? We've had a number of our readers telling us that. You can't actually buy the sweets there, Frank. You can buy the sweets, but you can't buy them in there. What is a normal packet? Is it like... Why are you so freaked out by M&M's?

This show's gone weird. If you look if you were... Are they yellow packet, Al? Is it yellow packet M&M? I don't know. No, but it's like a minstrels packet. It's that kind of thing. I thought you said like...

Minstrels haven't got a shop, have they? No, no, but is it one of those that has got, what can I call, corrugation at shop, have they? No, no. Is it one of those that has got, what can I call it, corrugation at both ends? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, corrugation. You can't get...

No, actually, it's all done on... They're like optics. And also, there's a person standing on the steps giving out free M&Ms. Well, that was me. I was going to say, that's me. So you're giving out free ones, and then you're buying them, and then they had hooded tops with M&M's. Well, that was me. I was no joke, that was me. So you're giving out free ones and then you're buying them and then there's a, they had hooded

tops with M&M's on. Meanwhile, Bertie Bassett sits in a bedsit somewhere in Oldham, thinking with his walking stick. With his little licorice legs crossed. Well, actually he's quite, I don't know if he could

cross his legs, he's got a bit of a Will Carling thigh. Oh, hey, in Leicester Square Rent, to give away their product for free, this is the worst business plan I've ever heard. Speculate to accumulate. They're doing well. So if I walk from here after the show, pop in, have an M&M and think,

oh, I enjoyed that free M&M, I'm then going to buy them every day for the rest of my life. Is that their plan? You said that, but how? I know this isn't Dragon's Den, but... I know. It's like you walk down the road this afternoon, a bloke comes up to you, you Alan Cotteran, and you come up with a smart one-liner reply. He laughs and thinks he's funny. I'm going to see him next time he's in town. Is that the equivalent of the free M&M? Is that the equivalent? What do you and Alan do in the street? Anyway, what about Mr. What?

Mr. Planter. Oh, what, the peanuts? Yeah, the peanut man, Mr. Planter. Did he have a top hat? He did, I think he did. He had quite a good abdomen, actually. You know the mottling you get on the outer casing of a peanut? Yeah.

He had that. Oh, so that had gone to me too. I love Mr. Planter. I always thought something might happen between us, but it wasn't to be. It's not often you see that combination of six-pack and a monocle. No. Almost

unheard of. Except on Chris Eubank. LAUGHTER Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had some correspondence in. What, from Mr Planter? No, although we've had a lot of messages in about Mr Planter.

Oh, yeah. Which I'll get to presently. But first, Matt, who says, Bertie's walking stick, just for show? Too short to be effective. It is quite short. Well, he points out he seems to have a good gait.

Unlike you. I can't remember if I've got a good gait or not. No, you're right. It is very short, Bertie's walking stick. And also, isn't it made of licorice? Everything about it. What are we saying? What's the verdict?

Matt's given us a picture of him, and I have to say, he does look... The stick is tiny. Yeah. Yeah, even if it was full-size, you wouldn't want to lean on that. It would give, wouldn't it? Well, I'd say it's more of a candy stick. Could it be... Oh, that might be better.

Than a walking stick, Frank? A black candy stick? Who wants that? Could it be telescopic? It's a black candy stick. It's a goth candy. He's alright for a couple of hundred yards but any further than that he just shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh sh with a stick, Bertie Bassett, because that's why they haven't got a shot, the stick. People think they can't trust him over a good distance. He's got a very thick set torso as well. I think you do raise a very good question. I think that Bertie Bassett should come back

with one of those crutches that clutch you at the forearm, with the grey plastic clutch at the forearm. You know the benefit cheek crutch? If he should come back with one of those on. Sort of Bertie Bassett, open brackets, outpatient, close brackets. Do you ever think this show gets a little bit self-indulgent? I think... Yes?

No, I think you raise a very good... I mean, we talked about this during the songs as well. Why M&M's have a shop? That is the big question. I'd love to know that. 8, 12, 15. Why them and no other confectionery? Yeah, it is true that. My other texting is that what other confectionery-based character

could carry off a superstore? Because Mr. Planter, I mean, God bless him. Yeah, although a lot of people remember him very fondly, our readers. Do they? Yeah. I believe the Planter's peanutanuts mascot is simply Mr. Peanut. Oh, he's called Mr. Peanut. He does know how to work a monocle, though.

Thanks for correcting this, Jennifer. He is. I dread to think what would have happened if we got that wrong. I think he paves the way a bit for Brexit, Mr. Planter. Yeah. He's sort of English Aristotle although I think they're American. He was with Phileas Fogg as well, wasn't he? Phineas Fogg.

632 has a question for you, Frank. Go on. What does Frank think about the closure of BHS? Well, that's... It's bad. Because think of all the people that work at BHS. That must be bad. What they needed was a Mr. BHS.

It was a sort of colourful character in acrylic fibre who they could build it around. If you were wearing a Mr. BHS cap, I don't think this would have happened. Well, 431... What say you? I agree with Frank. What about when we were in Eminem's world?

No, I never thought I'd start an anecdote in that way either, but there you go. And Frank started toying with the brown hoodie. With a chocolate brown hoodie. And what he was doing, we call it in the fashion trade, we called it sleeve pullers. Oh, yes. Because they've got no intention of buying.

They're just having a little sleeve pull. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I did think it was a nice fabric for a shop based on chocolates. Yeah. And it had a lady M&M on it. I didn't even know there was such a thing.

Sort of Emma and M. Emma and M. Did she have very exaggerated eyelashes? Because they're quite primitive, the confectionery industry, when indicating sex. It's normally the eyelash, isn't it? Yeah, I didn't. I didn't get that far.

Oi! Oi! No, she was, don't get me wrong, she was very attractive. I mean, I thought she... Very attractive? Yeah. Can we just rewind now? Well, she was.

I've heard of some obscure crushes. You have a go at me for Vince Cable. You fancy the M&M woman. Yeah, well, she's basically an M&M, which sort of is quite right. As M&M, you know, I think would hold up their hand when it came to their part in the national obesity crisis. Then, quite rightly, the M&M ladies circular.

But there's a lot of stairs in that shop for the larger figured. That's a struggle. Yeah, I can imagine. What sizes were the hoodies? They were small and extra small. Everything was XXL. I'm not lying. It was.

I couldn't get my head round it. There was a lot of thin people in there trying to get into the optics. There was a section. I mean, I know we've gone on too much about it, but you know. Try Capital. You'll see me back.

And there was a vending machine things, like tubes. Big glass tubes, and there was like 70 of them. It was absolutely... I mean, we discourage our child from having chocolate, but we just took him in there for the spectacle of it all.

It was like Ben-Hur. But with chocolate, if you can imagine such a thing. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the... There must be other suites that have got characters that can carry this off. This is Frank Skinner of Snelliff Radio.

We're going to leave M&M World and not discuss it for a little while. We've ground people into the dirt. Well, you say that. They're loving it. They are enjoying it. It's a slight obsession of mine. Yeah.

I accept that. Let's move away from the sweets. Let's talk about Bake Off. And thanks for all your photographs of you in M&M World as well. Oh, really? You've had numerous. Really?

Yeah. We need to talk cake next. Okay. There's one man, sorry, Al, before we go, he just said, in my drunk days, I walked for an hour

to get a picture with this fella and a picture of him with the blue plastic m m yeah yeah i don't remember having my photo took in there but the whole experience was a blur i was so to be fair you don't remember if you've got a gate no that's true selective amnesia um We were just tiptoeing towards discussing the Bake Off. Ferrari. It is a Ferrari. It's a Ferrari and a half. I don't know if they come in halves. Can you go out of the frying pan into the Ferrari? That's a good question.

Okay. 8, 12, 15 if anyone knows. That would be good for me. It would be good if Rory Bremner was involved in a big Ferrari. Then the headline would write good for me. It'd be good if Rory Bremner was involved in a big... For Rory? Then the headline would write itself. Yeah. So, Channel 4 have splashed the cash

and snatched Great British Bake Off from the British Broadcasting Corporation. Yes. As I like to call it. It's quite a shocker. It was a bit of time. Well, I, as you know, I've never seen the Carbohydrates show.

And people love it. That's what it should be called. Yes, I'd call it that. Call it what it is. And people are sad. And you know, it's hard when you haven't seen something. You know, like when a band's split up. And you're like, why do they care that take that split up?

Which you must have felt. I had that with Nirvana. Did you? Yeah. But I totally get it. I had it with the Joe Loss Orchestra. Did you? Yeah. Some good stuff there. I like a bit of Joe Loss.

Well, Joe Loss died was basically what happened. Yeah. Some good stuff there. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God, he did. March of the Month. Do-do-do-doon. Doon. Doon. Doon. Anyway. This is why we go into weird areas. Yes. But I quite like it.

I'm not going to swing. I haven't been into weird areas for years. What about the Cave of Wonders? Oh, yeah, that's true. You were in there on Saturday, I heard. I did. Anyway, the Carbohydrate Show is moving. And so I understand people are upset.

So can you explain to me, having never seen it, is it because they feel it's very BBC and it's very and it would ruin it going to Channel 4, is this right? Well it's very BBC in that it looked, it would have happily sat as

public entertainment in 1952 and there is a thing about the BBC where I mean I think Antiques Roadshow, Michael Portillo's Great Train Journeys, there's that sort of, it's like hot bath television. You know, you best not just describe my Sky Plus there. Well, there you go.

There you go. Okay. Apart from the fact that nobody's smoking, it's like 1952 England. And people's teeth are a bit nicer. Yeah, so people like that, it's very calm and the music goes... And nothing

bad happens. Oh, nothing bad happens. Oh, there was tears on it the other week, to be fair. Because Paul Hollywood can actually be quite... So it's quite Daily Mail paradise if we're going to be honest. Well, if you'd like to know more about Bake Off, I'm currently talking to Anton de Beek about it on BBC iPlayer. Oh, now! Now!

Did he choose that before the furore? He did. It's a slight problem that he chose it, not knowing it was going to... But it's still a BBC programme for a while. Well, it'll make me want to watch it even more. Well, they got an extra half a million viewers the other night as a result of this news story, which is a bit ironic, as Alanis would say if she was here.

She would. She didn't really understand what it meant. She had a lovely mouth, I always thought, Alanis Morissette. Cheeky. Cheeky? Cheeky mouth, Alanis Morissette. If if i was a journalist that's how i'd start the that is not a good description of her i would describe her as having a permanent cob on yeah she was furious miserable indie chick oh no i don't think of alanis like that what's that film

when she plays an angel at the end you've got her in the wrong category, I think. Oh, yeah, she's furious. Going on about the movie theatre and the dinner party and all sorts going on. I think if she spelled her name A-L-U-N-I-S, Alan would probably like her a bit better. But that's... Well, I think we've got to the source of the gripe. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

So we're talking about the Carbohydrate Show Yes Yeah, which you'd be surprised to hear that I'm actually a fan of I think it's an easy show to like And I don't even like cake I think cake's fine But I prefer Good, light review.

But, you know, if you had to choose for the rest of your life, pudding or main course, I'd definitely be main course. I just want to be buying cake in, say, six months' time and it says, fine, absolute radio on the side. The cockerel. Imagine that across the Battenberg. You see, I should like it because I'm a big fan of Mel and Sue's. I think they seem like very nice ladies.

What about Hollywood and Berry? Oh, well, I don't know much about those people. No, that's where I'm meeting Mel and Sue after, on the corner of Hollywood and Berry. Oh, lovely. I do wonder if Mary Berry is a fine example of nominative determinism that we talked about. Oh, because her name... Her surname's Berry and she works in puddings. determinism that we talked about. You know, she's... Oh, because of the name.

Her surname's Berry and she works in puddings. Never mind that. What about James Martin? We know about him. He only dates people with a food-based name. Barbara Broccoli, he went out with, and Claire Goose. And he's dating Kevin Bacon now. No. No, his girlfriend

has got a food-based surname, though. Give me a moment, I'll have to Google that, because I won't know it. Um, but do you think... So Mel and Sue, they're not going, they. No. No, his girlfriend has got a food-based surname, though. Give me a moment, I'll have to Google that, because I won't know it. But do you think... So Mel and Sue, they're not going, they've said. They're not going to channel that. I'm a vegetarian, worried that Goose is dismissed as a foodstuff. It is.

On the show. Goose is food, it's game. It is, yeah. I know, but it is also a living creature. So is Chicken. So is Bacon. Chicken isn't, but it is also a living creature. So is chicken. So is bacon. Chicken isn't, but goose. Why are you picking on goose?

Because they've got the guard dog. Hang on, how did we get here from bacon? They've got their night... I want to know why... They've got night work of guard dog, whereas chickens, they have no other employment. It's because he's not familiar with game. Oh, right.

And it feels alien to him. But it is eaten regularly, darling. It's because he's not familiar with game. And it feels alien to him. But it is eaten regularly, darling. It is, yeah. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Paul Hollywood. Are you familiar with him if you haven't seen the show?

Oh yeah, grey beard, left his wife, now come back. What do you say, grey? Isn't that all middle-aged men, Grey? That's synopsis. That is as good as you could do. Isn't that all middle-aged men, really? I'll tell you what he looks, he's got... Do you remember when you used to go to discos? And there's a certain light that makes people's

hair go, like, shine. Oh yeah, the UV light. The UV light. He looks like he's constantly... I wonder if he wears an umbrella hat with a UV light. He looks like he's constantly... I wonder if he wears an umbrella hat with a UV light. That is... That's him. They get their...

He's constantly got this sort of white glowingness. He's got a glow about him. You know what that is? They get a bit famous, they start fixing it up a bit, don't they? Well, I don't... He's had the teeth done. He's got famous. He hasn't had his hair whitened.

Well, but he would have had some process on it. What are you doing with teeth? Can you... I think... I mean, it's still a big show. hair whitened. Well, but he would have had some process on it. I think, I mean, it's still a big show. If I had my own business, what I would do is I would bring out... Sometimes I thank God that you don't. I would bring out a poor Hollywood's

head fibre optic lamp. That would be good. So that he could have the hair with the light coming out and it would be, at night, you'd be glad of that. That would be good. So that he could have the hair with the light coming out and it would be, it would, at night, you'd be glad of that. That would be good. You're a bit creepy there. No, he's actually alright. I met him once.

No, I'm not saying he's not alright. I'm just saying anyone in a fibre optic lamp is creepy. I don't know if you should have that much aftershave close to food. I think, er, I have a problem with him and i think he's probably really good he's definitely like he's you know he's he's been credited as he's a good baker isn't he that's why he's a judge on it but he smashes their food doesn't he like when they've

sort of spent three hours creating a tower of gingerbread and he with a slight look of glee in his eye he picks up a big spoon and he rams it, like he properly smashes it up in quite a brutish way. Like he could be a bit more delicate and just carve a little corner. Well that's what I point out in my conversation with Anton de Beek. Mary Berry is

something of the Bond villain and he's the henchman. Right. He's the muscle lad to be brutal. Yeah. Right. So he's like thatchman. Right. At her slightly wrinkly elbow. He's the muscle there to be brutal. Yeah. Right. So he's like that. Right.

So she can be cutting, but in a very sort of, you know, that sinister stroke in the cat kind of way. Whereas he's bang, bang, bang. Yeah. He is definitely brutish with her beaks. But it's, I have to say, I've seen it a few times.

You know, it definitely works, doesn't it? Yes. But will it work? You know what my favourite piece of coverage in this entire saga was? Go on, tell. A piece in the Metro saying, the company claimed that the move was not about money, but in Mel and Sue's statement,

they concluded that they would not go with the dough, a reference to the bread often baked on the show, and a slang term for money. Oh, wow. Thanks for that, Metro. I mean, who's their demographic that they need that explained to them? Next week on How To Get Jokes, we'll be doing knock-knock. A slang term for money?

I mean, we're not total cretins. But if you knew someone who said, say they worked on the checkout desk at Asda. Yeah. And then they found out if they worked on the checkout desk at Waitrose, they'd get more money. And so they went there. You wouldn't call them greedy, would you?

No. Whereas if a TV person or company does it. Yeah. Is that weird? Well, I don't know why people have suddenly expected them to be all sort of church-like niggers. I mean, they are making money, these people. They're ruthless, ambitious characters.

That's their good luck. Well, that's what you're doing here. They're just trying to make money. Does that make them ruthless? That's the industry they're in, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's almost like Frank's been on the other side of this story, isn't it?

It's almost like Frank wants the gig. It's almost like... It's almost like Frank's been on the other side of this story, isn't it? It's almost like Frank wants the gig. It's almost like... It's almost like Frank is touting for business, baby. It's almost like I'm somebody bracing myself for the publication of my BBC earnings. No, but when you get lottery winners, right, who've won it by complete chance, they've bought a lottery ticket, that's all they've done,

from that not very nice shop. Oh, what, with little pens? And then you see them on the telly, they've won, say they've won eight million, whatever they've won, and they are opening champagne, doing a little dance of glee and talking about what they're going to spend it on. If I called a press opportunity in which I opened champagne

and did a little dance celebrating the money I've earned over the last 25 years, I'd be despised for it. And I've worked for mine. They got theirs for nothing. Is that fair? 8.12.15. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, and the producer is getting too close to me for a professional environment

in my opinion okay you're just trying to make that public yeah i am because that's been recorded now yes we if it was the other way around you'd all be horrified i am i ate some cake during that last link can you tell me you had some cake i had some cake and i enjoyed it not that i'm looking for a job. I don't like that Katy Perry song. Not that I'm looking for a job reviewing cake or anything, but enjoyed it. You two would be good on that. I'm available. Speak to my people.

You'd be lovely, Carbohydrate Show presenters. I sadly would have to decline. I'd be a very bad contestant on it. On account of my principles. I think the contestants do well on Bake Off if they have highly expressive faces. I think the contestants do well on Bake Off if they have highly expressive faces. That's what they really want, is somebody that looks sad when they're sad and happy when they're happy. Whereas I don't think I have a very expressive face.

I think it would be like, oh, Alan's won the technical challenge and he looks exactly the same as he did when his gingerbread tower fell. It's a technical challenge. Can I ask, I'm not familiar with the basic mechanic of the show, which I assume is, do they have to bake the cake in real time? Well, that's a good question, because they often say, oh, come on, because you haven't got long, it's absolutely against the clock, it's going to be difficult to get this done in time, and they all say what I'm worried about is the time. And then one of them really messes it up and they just start again,

and then it's all right. Oh, I don't like that. No, no, I think that's if they've got the time. And then one of them really messes it up and they just start again. And then it's alright. Oh, I don't like that. I think that's if they've got enough time. But still some people put it out and it's not finished. Sometimes they make like three cakes. Yeah. Well, I think... Look, it's a good show. I think people that can bake can do that though.

They can just whip up some more. I can't bake. Oh, people who can bake. Since when was that a good thing? Exactly. Anyhow. We're all different. We need to talk about school uniforms as well. Of course, the competitors will be

naked on it when it goes to Channel 4. Oh, that'll be alright. Oh, they will. Yeah, they will. Although you don't want to do any cooking with... You're alright. As long as you don't want to do any cooking with... You're all right. As long as you don't shut the oven door too quickly. Baking's fine, but frying is not.

Oh, my God. Frying is not. Can I just say something? Before I know you were going to move on to something. However, we were talking about our trip to M&M's World, which Frank and I went to last week. Yes. And Frank was suggesting that perhaps there must be other confectionery

where... You could start one called Auntie M's World. Oh my word. That would be great. Well it would be Auntie M from Wizard of Oz themed. Who is a character I believe. Yeah. Married to Uncle Henry. With some sartorial differences

to me it has to be said. Well, she liked gingham. They all did in that family. Oh, that's true, yeah. Um, now. Now, then. We've had someone, 701 to be precise, saying, what about the Milky Bar Kid?

Setting up a themed... He says, confectionary genius could have his own white chocolate paradise. Wow. I wonder if the Milky Bar Kid's bird has flown. Maybe. He doesn't even do adverts anymore, does he? I don't think so. You're just saying he's a bit last year.

Well, when I was a kid, he was big, the Milky Bar Kid. Yeah. But he committed to the Wild West outfit. Yes. That was his thing. And kids don't really wear those anymore no it's one less avenue out of poverty for the uh cute blonde boy at school well also well do you remember it was spectacle so yeah it was ahead of his time and there'd often be a story in the express perhaps of search for the new milky Kid. Yeah. And the auditionees lining up.

And his catchphrase. Remember his catchphrase? Milky bars are on me. Yeah. Not something I'll ever say. Sometimes the Native Americans... There's one when the Native Americans say, do you Milky Bars or... No, no. Can I not even quote her?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Come on. I'm fine with it. Well, I'm not. I don't think their essential nobility was in any way reduced by that. You don't? No. I don't think their essential nobility was in any way reduced by that. You don't? No!

I don't know. Okay. Oh, it's a minefield. It's a minefield, isn't it? I travel now with my lawyer. I was glad when he was here when I was being leaned over. Useful, isn't it? What about the school uniform?

The school uniforms have been everywhere. That was another big one, wasn't it? Been another kerfuffle. It's spread. Last week it was down south. This week it's up north. It's in Liverpool. They've only been back two weeks and already.

Back two weeks and there's been two weeks of headmaster says you can't come in. I worry about this as a development because I think it's going to play into the hands of bad kids that go, oh, what's that? I'm not allowed in school because my shoes are suede. I know. All right, fine, see you.

I tried. What uniform is the new snow? I mean, it's the best thing, snow day. Hello. Brilliant. Everyone loves a snow day. Pipes are frozen. See you.

Can I say that at no point in my childhood was I sent home on a snow day. We just carried on in the snow. It happens a lot in the North London school system. You're going to be going... Well, we don't get snow in London anymore. What with the Globals. It's all changed. But you're right, though.

If I'd have been at that, the school... This is based on the story, it's in Margate, isn't it, where the headmaster I think that started there. Wasn't there one in Kent? That's right. Oh yeah, Kent. Margate is in Kent, darling. Well, I don't know these places. Dubbed somewhat

questionably by the Daily Mail as Gestapo-like headmaster, wasn't he? Yeah, which is wrong because I believe, correct me if I'm wrong, the Gestapo wore plain clothes most of the time. Yeah, they were dressed down Friday. The SS, they were big on uniform. They were strict in every aspect,

but on uniform. You couldn't, for example, wear a dark grey shirt in the SS. No, no, they were very strict about this. They didn't like improvising of any kind. He sent home 60 kids, this headteacher. Did they? Did you see some of the videos?

God, I tell you, the local shopkeepers must have lost a bit of stock. All that extra shoplifting time. Some were sent home for wearing black trainers. I mean, that's discrimination against Mick Jagger and other elderly pop stars. What would they do without the platform black trainer? You're quite right. They'd have no footwear.

They'd be like Stig of the Dump. They depend on those trainers. No, you're right. I mean, I don't like them. I think black trainers were sort of... No, they couldn't wear black trainers, could they? No, they're not allowed. And someone had a buckled shoe they got sent home.

Yeah, a little bit of metal on there. They don't like the Puritan shoe either. No Puritans, no aging rock star footwear. I mean, I... Well, anyway, we'll come to this in a moment. No tassels, Frank. Calm down. Sorry.

I thought you... Sorry, did you just show me a new brassiere when she said that. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Point is, these children were sent home. Mm.

Yeah, and one dad took it very badly. He said, it's these shoes or no school. Which I... I mean, people are going to use that sentence to make him look stubborn and foolish and his daughter... It's a legal obligation as well, I think, school. Yeah, yeah. Al, did you see the bit on the...

Someone filmed it with the camera phones. You know, this is the thing. And it all went a bit Roger Cook. Yeah. And one of the dads was so angry with the headmaster, he lost his cool, he lost it. He said, are you for real? Are you for real? Same guy.

And the headteacher went, yes, yes, I am for real. Yeah, he's a philosopher, the headteacher. He went a bit, yeah. No, it's not, it's not, that moment when you realise that the kids that you knew are now parents. Right. It's not really parent language, is it? What, are you for real?

Yeah. No. Am I right? No, it's not. You see, he's been hanging out with the kids. That's the thing. Now, tassels. Yes.

Brazilians. Sorry, is this a word association? No. Not elements of my wardrobe today, but on the shoe. And that's another thing. He was very hard on tassels. He just said, no, you can't have tassels. Sent home for tassels on the loafers.

I think it's a bit harsh. Do you think maybe the teacher was an ex-rocker and he just said it's mods, like mods and rockers. It's like you can't be wearing penny loafers in my school. Well, there was... He banned the cardi. I was once, this dates it slightly, but I was once told off by a teacher for wearing winkle pickers. Good for you.

And there used to be a bloke at my mate's school, I remember, and he went to school in a Harrington jacket. Do you remember those Harrington jackets? Oh, I love a Harrington. Worn by the skinheads, but continued with the suede heads. Retained them as their summer wear. And one of them turned up, instead of his blazer,

he had a black Harrington on, you know, the tart and the lining. Tart lining, nice. And he grabbed the sleeve of it and said, the headmaster said, what's this anorak? Which has always seen as a great symbol of the generation gap. I love Anorak. In our area. They probably refer to it as a fashion item.

Although I do, I... Can I... What do you think about the head? I'm slightly weird, the headmaster on this. Are you? OK, tell us why. Because I'm sort of... Gestapo-like Frank Skinner.

No, Al, I could be persuaded. Gestapo. Al, I'm guessing you're not. I think there is a weird life lesson in this, which is that adults are sometimes wrong as well. I think the kids can go, oh, he's not letting me be educated because I've got a brown line around the sole of my shoe that my dad bought the wrong shoes.

Like, that shouldn't hold up his education. We should be able to move into space around the sole of my shoe that my dad bought the wrong shoes like that shouldn't hold up his education should be able to move into space around the problem and but is he just making a point and saying these are the rules and this generation i think you say i love rules i love rules but i don't know if you love them enough by the sounds of it this is not what my wife my children would say trying to get the centennials, yes, that's the new generation, to start having some respect for authority, perhaps? Just follow the rules. That's not difficult.

Because they don't. Come on, they are a bit, I know my rights, I love them. You start wearing tassels for school, next thing you're set and fired to pensioners in their own homes. You reckon? Yeah. A hop, skip and a jump, isn't it? I think it's a well-trodden path.

8, 12, 15. For the police listening, they can give us back this up with some statistics. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. People are excited about this school uniform debate. Yeah. Oh, that was my chair squeaking there. 708, for example,

my headmaster used to say suede shoes lead directly to drug abuse. But I know what he means. OK. Because we were just talking to our assistant producer, Sarah, who said, you know, when I was at school, I was... I mean, you can just hear it. You can see the folded arms at school and the open defiance. Well, she was objecting to having to wear the...

to do the top button-up on the shirt. I feel conflicted, because... Just do it. Just do what you're told. I'm pro-education, and I don't like the idea that the headmaster is sending the children away i i i like teddy roosevelt's thought of do what you can with what you have where you are so i like the idea of saying well you're not in the right uniform but get in and let's do some learning and come in the right uniform tomorrow but they won't will they come in the right uniform the trouble with these

then they'll be i I know my rights. But I'm also a bit conflicted, because I do think there might be a little bit of a problem. The school blazer, I think, might be contributing to the pandemic, I'll say, of badly dressed adults. What do you mean? Look around. Look at the high street during a weekday, and there's a lot of men in terrible fitting suits,

and I think it's the school blazers to blame. We're teaching them. It's getting entrenched that, hey, any blazer will do. Just put a jacket on and that's it. Job done. No, it's because they're all going to fitness first and getting overexcited and they're getting the Daniel Craig bodyguard close protection syndrome in the suit. You can't work out or wear suits. Your choice.

I just say, if you've got a uniform, just get the uniform. OK? It's the uniform. It's not like a serving suggestion. Do you know what I mean? It's not like this is your... You can use this as a basis for what you wear. Just wear the uniform and you're all the same.

You've got a beautiful symbol of equality. You want to be treated the same. Dress the same. you've got a beautiful symbol of equality. You want to be treated the same, dressed the same. Good night. In fairness... I even get angry. Sorry, but I went to School Disco, right? You know, that club, School Disco. I know it, but I'm horrified that you went there.

Why did you go there? I hired a proper... You sure you want to broadcast that you went there? I hired, you know, three-quarter length grey socks. I had a went there? I had three-quarter-length grey socks. I had a blazer, I had a grey jumper. There were people, they'd think, if you wear a white shirt and a stripy tie, that's it, you're OK to go to school uniform.

Even in a nightclub context, they can't make the effort. I'm still reeling that you were at that school disco. How was it, Cinderella Rockefeller? I was going out with a much younger woman at the time, and there's no fool like an old fool. I'm sorry. Stay classy, everyone. But I still dress correctly.

Don't go to school disco if you just want to wear a white shirt. We've also had a very enjoyable whatever happened to. You know, you have a... Hold on. Hold this, because... He's got music for this. There's a break. No, there's a break coming now.

I don't like to rush. I always look forward to this, whatever happened to. I hope you like it. I'm quite nervous. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. 665 says, Since when does shoes and feet prevent you from learning? Surely sending kids home does teach,

as opposed to teach kids they're not fashion icons. No, what happens is a general sense of order and discipline aids learning. And the physical manifestation of that is the adherence to a regular uniform, which makes everyone equal. Well, I'm not sure I agree with this, though, 431. Some of my mates' best going out clothes are white shirt, black trousers, just like at school. Simon Cowell.

And they are 40 plus. School has taught them fashion doesn't matter. I think life might have taught them that. I'll soon set them straight. Here we go. 3-9-0, Frank, has texted in. Whatever happened to... Oh, hold it.

Oh, wait, wait, let me use the camera. I have to say if it deserves. Oh, yeah, sorry. OK, Al. Whatever happened to strong men who ripped telephone books in half? Whatever happened to... Yeah. You know what's happened, eh?

That was good. It's because everyone's got their numbers in their smartphones. Yeah. You can't rip a smartphone in half. Is that what it is? They loved a phone book, didn't they? They loved ripping a phone book in half. An incredible display of grip strength.

Oh, I thought he'd have the technical term. Yeah, that is the technical term. Grip strength. He's got into what I call a grappling reverie. Oh, that is strong. I can see the time when I would have managed the Metropolitan Borough of Sanwell Yellow Pages. Oh, yeah.

But I'm in a phone book. Is there a sort of a... I mean, I don't even know if they have phone books anymore, do they? No. They're probably still available, aren't they... I mean, I don't even know if they have phone books anymore, do they? No. They're probably still available, aren't they? I mean, some people probably use them. You don't see them in phone boxes like you used to. You know the thing that strong men do now?

Apparently, they blow up a hot water bottle like a balloon. Oh, that's an old one. I've seen that one. Is that quite... Yeah, I've seen that one many a time and oft. Right. But there was... I watched someone do that on YouTube in a strange fusion of modern and ancient the other day.

But there must be an equivalent paperback thick book that they could tear in half. The Bible? What about one of the Harry Potters? Sorry, Frank, I didn't mean to be disrespectful. The Bible or a Harry Potter. I just suggested it because it's big. I know, but there's something about ripping the Bible in half.

I know, I'm not disrespecting your area. No, I understand. Of course. Of course. No, yeah, but if you take... You know, one of the fatter Harry Potters. The trouble is they don't have the format. You can't get a good proper... No, it's not wide enough, is it, really?

Yeah, you need one of those Jilly Coopers. What about this? Riders. I'll see. I'm going to let that in as a very good Whatever Happened To. Really? And I'm going to come back with a... Whatever Happened To.

Whatever Happened To The Purple Rinse. Oh, that is good, Frank. In case you're a young person, if there's any of them still listening, they haven't got all touchy about the fact that they like to wear their shirts not tucked in. Older women, I think what they used to call women of a certain age, whatever that means, used to have their hair, and I don't mean with a slight, tiny hint of purple. I mean purple. Yeah.

And I'm not talking about your punk rockers. I'm talking about, like, older women in the West Midlands. Purple, purple, yeah. Really purple hair. And it was called a purple rinse, and it was very popular. I never, I'd like to be, I think it's something, you dye sort of grey hair. Yeah. And that's what happens. It goes, that's it. Well, it dye sort of grey hair. Yeah. And that's what happens.

It goes... Well, it was an acknowledgement that they were older, but they were saying, I still got it. And also the old women, they love a bit of lavender. Oh, yeah. Generally speaking. They do. I'm thinking, now that I have become grey myself,

maybe I could be the first man to get a purple rinse. And a lavender scent. Well, you say first man. I mean, I think, didn't Liberace have one? I don't think, actually, Quentin Criss might have had one. Yes. Yeah. That's not something you can get at Krispy Kreme.

It was a man. It was a person. Frank, there's another way it ever happened to you. Hold it. Let's save it. OK. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were swinging to that.

You had a lovely dance. I did. We've had a dance. Swinging dance. We've also been informed during that. Speak for yourself. Well, I'll pass it on. Nancy has got in touch.

Now, a while ago, I got really excited when people started texting in with re. Oh, yeah. I just think it's good information. Is it re colon? Re purple hair. I know, but is there a colon between re and purple hair? Well, that's only on the email, isn't it? No, it's just a text message.

That sounds like a medical question. Is there a colon between re and purple hair? Re purple hair, it was because grey hair can go... It says hello, but I think that's an auto... Oh! Grey hair can go yellow... She thought you might have lost attention by this bit. Hello!

Oh, that's a good point. Green purple hair is because grey hair can go yellow or brassy, and lilac, being opposite on the colour wheel, corrects it and, well, looks nicer. Well. But it doesn't correct it if it makes the hair go purple. No, but I think that's why they're trying it. Have you seen some of the youths, the hipsters,

in the East London areas wandering around? That's now very fashionable again, the lilac hair. Is it? It's back in vogue. Would you agree, millennials? Thank you. Lilac hair, like my love. Frank, Alan.

Oh, OK. Go on. Yes? Whatever happened to chalk outlines at crime scenes? That's from Dave Mutton. Now, I think... So yours takes issue with the ones I do. No, I think we never send it in.

It's not personal. You're just a messenger here. Don't take it personally. Yours goes straight through. I think we've discussed this before as to whether they actually ever happened or if it was only in... American drama shows. Yes, but perhaps he's saying they don't

occur anymore in police procedural dramas. Oh, maybe. You see? You're like the fast track. You're whatever happened to our business fast track and I'm in that long queue with the other Brexiteers. All right, all right. I just want you to know

neither of us thought of these. I didn't think you'd personally champion them. I'm feeling sensitive today. It's like judges' houses. I'm sensitive, it's just, you know. Hey, we've got an answer. 503 has texted, I had a phone book delivered last week. They're now half the size.

Oh, wow. So there would be less of a strength show-off-y thing. Yeah, exactly. Everything has to be democratized so everyone can it's because it's a bit you know it's not quite fair if ordinary people can't rip them in half is it like the thompson local with the he's a funny character the cat that was a cat could they have a shop the thompson thompson local superstore what would you sell in it people's addresses it could be i can think of people's addresses I'd pay money for.

Or just a dog excrement, as you all say, through the coast. People have criticised you. Yeah, I've known my mother walked three miles in cold weather to put dog excrement through a strange man's letterbox. Oh, one of Frank's best. Love the story. Wow, wow, wow. I love his Hovis stories.

Gather round the fireside whilst I tell you about the dog excrement my mother used to collect. There isn't enough of that anymore. What Britain used to be. And 638 has texted, do you think once the vilification of sugar is complete, we'll look back in 10 years on sugar pusher Mary Berry

in a very different way? Yeah, and Mr M&M. And Mr M&M. It's been quite a sugary show, this. He'll be in trouble, Mr M&M. I know I was a bit needy earlier, but... So don't be biased by that. They probably have to include this, but whatever happened to Dandruff?

Oh, no, he's not going to let it through. I think this happened a few weeks ago, didn't it? I think Dandruff's still going. I think Dandruff... You know when we were talking about the ultraviolet? What were those lights called? They were great for Dandruff. Well, someone says, OK, you maybe see older people with it.

This is 160. But I don't think anyone under the age of 55 has Dandruff anymore. That's Gordon from St. Albans. Do older people have purple dandruff? Purple dandruff. I love their first album. It's good stuff. It's really good. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Excellent joke from Ian Angel, Angle. Emily, your suggestion is head and shoulders above the others. I think that's re the head and shoulders. Very good. The dandruff rather. I believe we were going to take a rare foray into email corner, which we've not been for yonks.

I don't know what's happened to email corner. It's not off the v6. Well, it's because the mode is very... I mean, I'm downloading Boomerang now and email corner. It's not off the v6. Well, it's because the mode is very... I mean, I'm downloading Boomerang now and all sorts. It's going to end up downloading Boomerang. It's going to be like VHS. What's happened? Boomerang's great.

People don't go there. Oh! Me by gun, me by gun mail corner. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I recently forgot to take my bag for life to the shops with me, often the way and obviously when asked the question would you like a bag, I opted to save five pence and stash as much of it as I

could in my small handbag and under my arms. As I stood at the till I quickly put beef burgers, cucumber crisps and some biscuits into the handbag and grasping my bottle of wine with one hand I finished off the bagless look by wedging my paper under my arm as i turned to leave the store i noticed another bagless lady

with many more items than i she had cleverly used the old crisp bag under the chin move to avoid the five pence fee i wondered if you or your other listeners had any other clever tips to maximise the amount of items you can buy while still refusing to pay the five pence charge. Praise withheld. Hathers, 74. Oh, respect. Yeah, respect, Amanda. Do you remember...

That's Frank Wood's name. Do you remember when I had a dream that I was wearing a coat and all the things that I'd normally have in my pocket were docked taped i do remember that i do yeah isn't the secret to go to save on the bag um is to just always have a bag a roll of dock tape in your i always buy one i buy one every time i go like some people people seeing what i'm very secretive about my purchases oh i like the idea of leaving there with them all just stuck on the outside. And also, it'd be a good dietary thing,

because when you stick all the foodstuffs on, it gives you a sense of, you know, added bulk. You might think twice. Yeah. I like the beef burgers in the handbag, though. Very good. I mean, that's a poignant sight. I mean, I can juggle, but I've never realised that it could save me five pence a time

when I go to the shop. Like, I can juggle, but I've never realised that it could save me five pence a time when I go to the shop. Like, I could do five. I could go and buy five things and juggle my way out of... I like the idea of an open display case. Like, um... Yeah. You know, like when you're getting money on a quiz show. Yeah.

And it's in there all square. Oh, yeah, on Bullseye. Yeah. The tankard of cash. Maybe the flared sleeve could come back. You know, the old caftan flared sleeve? I love that. Oh, nice.

Yeah, don't mind that at all. Cat's cradle? Yeah. I don't know what that would hold, a cat's cradle. Although I went to... I don't know, ask Thompson Local. He's there for all things cat. I was in a posh hotel recently,

and one thing you tend not to get in posh hotels is child-sized cutlery. Oh, yeah. Oh, is that right? In fact, generally, it's hard to get your hands on child-sized cutlery. So I keep a couple of, I keep a mini forks and spoon in the top pocket.

And I see them look at me a bit, where did you get that from? Like you're stealing. Well, you sort of are. No, I'm on about when I take wisdom. Oh, when you take it in. Well, I always announce it and I go, and I say, excuse me, I have a Coke Zero in my handbag because I bought that from the newsagent beforehand. That's a terrible thing when you buy a magazine

and then you think, oh, I need to nip into it, and they sell magazines. And you have to say, I've bought this from the the i didn't get a receipt well it's the daily express it suggests you've got previous if you feel the need to do that adele has tweeted us adele's tweeting us are you she says hello lovely um very good i use the bags for fruit and veg to pack shopping they're actually very spacious Now she's referring to the little plastic ones. The opaque plastic ones. They're all plastic. The free ones.

You know those ones with the perforations, Frank? You rip them off? With fruit and vegetables, I just take a length of wool with a needle at one end and I thread them. Oh, that's good. When she says they're spacious, you're not going to get a box of shredded wheat in there. No, I wouldn't say they were spacious.

But this is the way we can continue. We can destroy the bag-for-life industry. OJ Borg's here, Frank. Respect to Mondo, I'm about to trail him. I don't mean I'm going to follow him around. The girls are all doing their make-up, and the boys. I'm actually going to the cricket at Lord's. Ooh, get you.

And guess what? I'm in the president's box. How's about that, then? Can you still say... You can't say that, then. Oh, dear. Which president? The president of the MCC. Oh, I thought it was Robert McGarvey or something.

No, no. He doesn't like the one-day game. He's very much a... He's always on our show with the Robert McGarvey anecdote. He's a purist. He likes the five-day game. Yeah, he's a strange chap in many ways. Big Bob.

Anyway, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.