The Frank Skinner Show - The Mice

Episode Date: June 6, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. As the UK is still in lock down the team bring you another show working from home - direct from the linen basket! This week Frank is lamenting the end of the weekly clap for the NHS and has an issue with a mnemonic. The team also discuss Joe Wicks’ book deal and the most commonly misspelled words.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Do not text the show, please, because we're not live, but you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram, or you can email us via the absolute radio website uh good morning uh morning jim morning peter morning morning richie uh yeah um it's uh as as you may know regular um readers that we uh we can't actually see each other we're we're in our respective homes um but if you're going to broadcast from your home, do it on audio.

That's my hint. Don't be one of those people in the sort of bad quality Zoom things on the news. Sick of it now. Oh, I hate those. Can't we animate them? It's a grey filter. Animate them.

Couldn't they have puppets in the studio and move it like with their voices on yeah surely they could just you know that thing that Apple phones do

where you put up a still picture and then when you scroll to it it just slightly moves surely just a still picture and they could make the movement happen

yeah all those animoji things like when you can get you get a fox that talks in your voice. I'd be very happy to hear the Astronomer Royal. Some sort of puppet. An otter talking about the planet.

Robert Peston as a unicorn. Lovely. Oh, Robert Peston. I still like him. He'd be played by Jeff Goldblum in the movie. Very good. They've both got that very strange intonation. So, I didn't...

Frank, can I just add to that? Oh. Is Laura Kunisberg Jodie Foster, maybe? Oh, yeah, maybe. OK, thank you. Good. You're a witness. Yeah, I'm all right there.

And Adam Bolton may be Jabba the witness. Yeah, I'm all right there. And Adam Bolton may be Jabba the Hot. So I didn't do on Thursday night. I didn't applaud for the NHS. It seems I don't think anyone did in my road. I think it's finished. Yeah, but it was never really official, official that it was finished. It was just a slight rumour that it was finished. And it was like people were really keen for it to end.

And the sooner they thought, oh God, we're off. Yeah. Because I don't think people have stopped caring anymore. I just think, you know, it's every week. There's a bit of that going on. It's tough, though, because presumably you two, as professional stand-up comics, know that the sound of no-hands clapping is tough

when you've heard it regularly. Yeah. So I'm just saying I feel for the NHS, because I don't want them to think we suddenly think, you know what, I'm a bit over you. I think they're probably over it, aren't they? I think they know now. They know that we love them

and they probably just don't need it anymore. The way that when you've been in a long-term relationship, you know when you never ever say nice things to each other anymore? You know that stage, when that stage comes in. That's what we're at. Yeah, I think it's there. What about this week, Frank? I told you Kath had said lovely things behind your back,

which was nice. Yeah, what about that? That is good. My partner's been saying stuff about me behind my back, which is nice. I suppose it wears to my face. Don't even know, I miss it. I must admit, it was 10 weeks and I got,

I was moved by it every week. So it was brilliant. I always look back on it with affection. But it's one of the most efficient removals of a regular activity I have ever known. I didn't even hear anyone in the street go, nothing. I mean, from applause to silence, god,

that's the title of my third memoir. But really, I mean, so efficient. The collective unconscious decision, in a sense, you know, that we all obeyed that. Yeah, it was amazing. I thought the person that had kick-started it had said

that they were over it and that they thought it should be done annually now. They did say that, but I mean, you know, just because they started it didn't mean that they got to decide. But anyway, it was sodden and complete in our row. So, look, how are we going to get rid of International Women's Day? Oh, God! It was a joke, for goodness sake. get rid of International Women's Day. God! It was a joke, for goodness sake.

Well, anyway, 8.12. No, no, don't text me. No! We're not live. Don't text me. We would not have that as a text in. That would be the end. They're so going to text in.

They won't. If they do, we won't read them out, so there. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I might bring about an award, which we've never really given awards on the show, but this week I would like to officially begin and award the Gary Barlow Phoenix from the Ashes award, named after Gary Barlow, of course, a man whose career was utterly desolate wasteland

and then who came back to superstardom. I mean, incredible. I don't think anyone thought there was a way back. Can I say, Gary, you're an inspiration to us all. And I'd like to award the Gary Barlow Phoenix from the Ashes Award to Ibuprofen, who at the beginning of the coronavirus thing was absolutely slammed. It was, if you walk past a shop that's...

Can I say, can I just have a small footnote here? If this was written, I would put a number and then we'd go down to the bottom of the page. I called it ibuprofen for many years. And I'm sure... I should also say Star Wars, Frank. No, but I think I've heard medical people call it ibuprofen. Really?

To you, is it a completely new variation? Okay, let's say how we... I'd say ibuprofen. Alan Cochran. I would say ibuprofen. Hold on, isn't it i-brew? I-brew-profen. No, that's i-brew, Frank.

No, isn't there an R? Isn't it i-brew-profen? No, I thought it was i-brew. Well, anyway. I'm a Descartes on this. At the beginning. They're doing well at free advertising anyway. We'll get freebies sent, Frank.

At the beginning of the new normal. Yeah, merch. iBrewProfen merch. Frank, imagine if you posed and I saw paparazzi pictures of you posing in a very obvious way with ibuprofen this colony would give you a headache yeah

that sort of white sailor hat that when you look closer is actually a large version of the actual tablet itself I'd love that anyway it's now apparently being used on people who've got, I still call it coronavirus.

I know everyone else calls it COVID-19 now, but, you know, I'm a traditionalist in these matters. What a fantastic turnaround, though. I thought they'd be laying people off. The company was finished. You know, they've got such bad press. They've bounced back so well done you

if you're listening and don't send me any free stuff I think it should go to people who need it what about that? I absolutely brilliant I had another I had a fabulous

surprise this week. Oh, go on. I mean, I did not see it coming. Yeah. As gifts go. Okay. May the 31st. Yeah.

That was it. You didn't see it coming? I was absolutely convinced there was 30 days in May. Utterly convinced. And when I woke up and, because I was working, I had to write something by a certain

date, and then I woke up and blow me, well don't in the current climate, but Don't ever! I had an extra day. I mean who knew may the 31st and it's because of of course of um the worst ever mnemonic of all time and the mnemonic our regular readers will know is that something that helps you to remember things and i've always felt, and I'll come back to this,

that one of the worst ever is the old 30 days, half September cliché. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about the popular mnemonic, which is a great word, I've always thought, 30 days half September, which is to help people obviously remember how many days there are in the months. You say popular, but you didn't sound like you were a fan of it. I don't like it.

I think it starts badly and gets worse, would be my description. Or Frank Skinner contrarianism, I smell are coming. No, 30 days had September. Yeah. Is this, is, is. Fine. Good start. Solid start.

That's the set up. I can sit with that. April, June and November. Am I right? Yeah. Although I always say May, Frank, so, you know. Yeah. Well, how do you remember April, June?

Exactly that. It should have some sort of rhyme that sticks with you, that helps you to get there. And also, of course, it couldn't even be November. It could be December, which also rhymes with September. I'm already picking holes in it. And then it goes into what I would call the middle eight of 30 days after September, where it says,

except February, which has 28 days clear. And I think, what do you mean, clear? Is there some dispute about the other days? They're not quite visible, but as far as we can tell, in this light, we're right about those days. Frank, this is like Angry Poetry poetry podcast as opposed to celebratory. Mnemonics are supposed to help people to remember.

And I think, you know, the fact that I didn't know there was 31 days in May shows that this fails. Can I just say something? There is a line which says all the rest have 31, Frank, which you, I don't know

whether you've intentionally avoided it, but I would agree with you that it's, it's haunts me the end of that, where they just say, except the leap year comes once giving February another day. And then it's just all like you haven't finished your homework and you've hurried it. It's February that has 28 days clear or 29 each leap year. Is how it ends. I'm not happy with it. Anyway, it didn't work for me. Oh, God, sorry. Siri started explaining the days in the year to me.

Mind your own business. No need for that. Are you a fan, Alan, of 30 days half September? I'm not even a fan of the calendar right now. I don't know why we're bothering knowing what day of the year it is at all. No, you're right. It was a waste of money. The 2020 calendar will go down as one of the worst buys in history.

Given that time is itself only a relative concept i feel like we should be allowed to just play with it so we could just reopen after lockdown and go okay it's march the 29th go see how it is like see what we've missed a bit like they were talking about doing with the football season yeah yeah just moving it back a bit or forward yeah i think that i'm fine with it maybe we're too rigid on the whole thing by the way i would love to know from any of our readers what is the worst ever mnemonic in their opinion i'm i'm mooting 30 days half september but if anyone can think of one that's worse than that i mean um i'm not a massive fan of well my dad i mean he i must have told you this before he had not one mnemonic but two two mnemonics, right? So, I mean, absolute belt and braces approach

to something which nobody needs to remember. And I'll tell you what it was after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've actually had the audacity to put up a tweet that says, what is the worst ever mnemonic? I love it. And we've already had a reply, I think. We have.

Well, we're doing this, we should say, we're doing this while we record the show because we want to see what people have to say. And Harry Streaker, Frank, has been in touch. Harry Streaker, yeah. I don't know whether that's nominative determinism. I hope not. He says can't remember.

Very good. I mean, I'm glad we've got that out of the way early. To me, getting, what's the worst mnemonic someone saying can't remember? It's like getting the hard bit out of the end of a moisturiser tube that you haven't used for a long time. Once you get that pellet out the end, then the rest of the moisturiser is fine, just like the moisturiser tube that you haven't used for a long time. Once you get that pellet at the end, then the rest of the moisturiser is fine, just like the moisturiser is just like it was in the original days.

But you've got to get that hard pellet out. Yeah. My dad's mnemonic, he had two mnemonic for anything, for when, like Columbus Discovering America, if you did that, you know, when, like Columbus discovering America, if you did that, you may know is in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. That is quite a big event in history. Still only gets one mnemonic that I know of. My dad had two mnemonics to help people remember the spelling of the word contents.

Oh, go on. Now, there are many things. There are many things going on here. First of all, people rarely write contents. And also, it's a really easy spell-like-you-say-it word. There's no tricky bits. There's not like a silent letter in there. No, none of that.

Who needs any to have two? Not only did he have two, but one covered it in its normal spelling and the other one covered it in reverse. So he had cows ought not to eat nasty turnip skins to help you to remember how to spell contents. And then coming back from there, school time never ends till nine o'clock.

Why would you need that? Double whammy. I don't know. I don't know where he got it from. I doubt it was his own invention. Education was different in those. It sounds more like it was a little parlour game that he enjoyed the performance of

than an actual useful tool for writing contents. Well, he delivered it to me as this is how to remember to spell content. And did you say, I'm good, actually, some years ago no you're all right did you say have you got anything to help me spell the word mnemonic because that's trickier than content i just tried to uh to pronounce the uh the m in at the because mnemonic, as you all know, is M-N-E-M-O-N-I-C, and the M-N at the beginning,

I just had a go out loud of pronouncing the M, and it's almost impossible to pronounce the M at the beginning of mnemonic without following it with... I find the same when I'm saying Steve McManaman we've had some outside world in by the way regarding

mnemonics already quite a few we've had someone is citing you were asking for the worst ones and Dr Rob Croton says if it counts the divorced beheaded died Henry VIII sequence because one it doesn't help you learn who they were two it fails to mention it was married for 24 years divorced it wouldn't

get you past paragraph one of a gcse exam answer no there's little in the way of timeline and also it's um a casual use of violent terminology that I don't think we want to encourage in the young So has Twitter twitched? Yes, we've had our readers, oh they're good our readers

they're on it with the mnemonics Frank, they know we've had our readers. Oh, they're good, our readers. They're on it with the mnemonics, Frank. They know. We've had Miss Louisa Kate says, my very energetic mother just served us nice pizza. I believe that's the planets, isn't it? Oh, Mars, Venus, Earth, Mother, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus. Either that or it's just a coincidental lockdown anecdote. Yeah, couldn't it?

Yeah, that would be great if she'd actually said that, but also without her knowing it was the planet. Is it the planets in order? Does that sound right? Possibly. You don't want them in order. You don't want them. They're rubbish. Pluto confuses things, doesn't it?

It's a dwarf now, isn't it? Oh, okay. Technically a dwarf planet. Is that okay? Body shrooms. You can say that. I think, yeah, it's an astronomical term. It's up there with Uranus.

It lives in a world of its own. Yes, that's very acceptable to say. You keep that out of this. Okay. John Russell has tweeted us some mnemonics. And I have to say, I'm going to leave it to you, you gentlemen, to work these ones out. I can't fill my pretty little head with these. When will his stupid head remember having had help?

And then he's got eclipsing every reasoning, harassing, hazy, egotive method. I mean, that's going to take us a while, John, I'm afraid, mate. There's a lot of W's. Yeah. Do you think he's just an avant-garde poet who is trying to get on my poetry podcast? Is he having a funny turn? Is he having one of his turns? Yeah, I imagine Samaritans get messages like this every day of the week.

He might have just sat on his phone. We don't know. Oh, God, that's another thing. Yeah. Siri, is it from Siri? We've also got, I have to say, though, I shouldn't laugh. That's a sort of postcard my father would have sent me and my sister. I'd love to know, though. I would love to know what those, someone on Twitter will ask him what that means. And if he explains, I'd love to know,

because they might be absolute life changes. Well, yeah, exactly. And this one is a bit of a life changer for me, which is from Paul's quiz. I don't know if he's changed his name by deed poll or it's Paul Sinner or something. I don't know. But it's when Jeff left home, Jack got fat.

Any of you boys care to guess what that might be a mnemonic for? So we've got W-J-L-H-J-G-F. We might be here a while and we don't get to tune out. So I'll give you a clue. The first one is Washington. Oh, American presidents. Jefferson, Lincoln, Hamilton, Jackson, Grant, Franklin. That's good.

I mean, I don't think they're in order, though. I'm not quite sure. Well, are they, Frank? I don't think. I've always thought they were completely out of order. There could still be a British colony. I'm with King George on this one. I loved that I went to see Hamilton

and the only character I really liked in it was King George. Very opposite of what they're trying to get across. What's the best mnemonic then? Oh. Because some of them have really been helpful to me. When I made an attempt at learning music, every good boy deserves favour. I found... Oh, me too. Absolutely vital. have really been helpful to me. When I made an attempt at learning music, Every Good Boy Deserves Favour,

I found... Oh, me too. ...absolutely vital. Well, I'm 45 years old and I still think naughty elephants squirt water to do north, east, south, west. You do not. I do.

I do. To remember what order they're in. Yeah. Oh, that's brilliant. It's clockwise, isn't it? It's naughty elephant squirt water. I'm doing it now. I just think East Anglia,

and then I know where the East is, and the West, you know, you just get there eventually. Rachel Pillinger, Frank, just so you know, has tweeted us. She's from Birmingham and she says, we had rinse out

your gin bottles in Vim at my Birmingham school, which is an alternative to Richard of York gave Battle in Vain, I presume, a Birmingham alternative for gin bottles in Vim.

Which stands for what? That's the rainbow colours, isn't it? I believe. Oh, is it? Is that correct? I may be wrong. What's her name again?

Yeah, Violet Indigo Blue. Her name is Rachel Pillinger. Isn't that what the Vikings were famous for? Oh, God! This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We are not live, so don't text the show, but you can follow us,

and many are, at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram, or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website, of course. Of course. So, as I said earlier earlier we can't actually see each other we're in our um respective homes i don't really i saw emily last week the first time for a very long time but al i mean because you're up in man, it's been... How are you? Exactly. What are you doing?

If we lived near each other, we could go for... What have you been up to? We could go for what I like to call in WhatsApp a SDDW, a socially distanced dog walk, which I've been doing occasionally with my friend Graham. What you need is a mnemonic for that. Yeah. Graham. What you need is a mnemonic for that. I've also been doing a bit of homeschooling. It's not always great, but it did throw up a curious moment the other day where my son was using the mouse on the computer. And I don't know why, but I compared it to the ones at school. And he said, oh, no, the mice at school are different.

And we both looked at each other and thought, hang on, is the plural of computer mouses mice? Yes. That's a good question. This is my question. I need to know the answer. Would you go online and buy two computer mice? What would you

ask for in the store? I'd say, hello, I'd like to buy a couple of mice, please. I mean, you'd see it sound ridiculous. Yeah, it feels really weird, doesn't it? I'd say I'll have a computer mouse, please. I'll tell you what, make it two. Yeah, it feels really clunky to talk

about the school mice or computer mice more than mouses i often wondered about this say when donald and daisy doc were having a dinner party and mickey and minnie did they say the mice are coming over tonight, which sounds a bit wrong to me. Or did they say the mouses are coming over? And the other problem, of course, is that Mickey and Minnie aren't married. So would it be right? They just happen to have the same surname.

And only partially clothed, which I don't like at a dinner party myself. Well, come off it. Yeah, you proved it. No, but what would you say? The mouses are coming over. Even if it was human beings, if you had two friends that happened coincidentally

to have the surname, say they both were called Jackson you wouldn't say the Jacksons are coming over unless they were married I don't think or related another another moment of linguistic confusion that I've been having recently is since lockdown everyone's been doing these zoom family quizzes haven't they people are getting involved and and I I haven't been invited possibly because of my temperament and just general demeanour. But I also had a massive misunderstanding

where I thought the quiz part and the family part were together. So I thought it was a family quiz, like a quiz about the family that are all on the Zoom chat. So I was thinking the questions were stuff like, what regiment was Uncle Frank in in the Boer War and it turns out it's just a quiz amongst lots of people

so I think I'd stand a better chance in it now because I didn't realise but I thought you had to have listened to your family for a lot of years and I can't make that claim I think for years the people who make Who Do You Think You Are have been wondering how they could tour it as a theatre show.

And I think you have just cracked it. You do it as a quiz. And you could do it as a local, you could do a regional questions about the history of the region to get wherever you were playing at that time. Yeah. I mean, it's all there. We do, as I said before, we do Pointless.

Once a fortnight, we have a Zoom Pointless. And we've found now there is a theme, and that is that me and Kath start brilliantly and then crumble towards the end. And the other week, we were sailing ahead and I thought, this is it, this is it, we've got it. And then at the 11th hour we got, name cast members from the film Mamma Mia.

Oh. And we utterly... I'd have been all over that. Random. I had a random guess at Robert Bathurst. Robert Bathurst, a cold feet He just felt like he ought to have been What was the casting director thinking of

was my thought when they told me that was a 100 score Surely if you don't get Bathurst in Mamma Mia why even bother making it Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Any mnemonic news Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Any mnemonic news? Oh, I like mnemonic news. Yes. That'd be good. So you could remember the news stories. Yeah. I don't always want to, but no, that's true. Well, Chris Williams was taught a mnemonic, which was sailors often have curly auburn hair to offer attraction for sign and cosine formula by my dear old maths teacher, Mr. Morris in the 1970s. Wow. You see, those are things I don't want to remember.

Is there a method of forgetting everything I learnt in maths and science at school? Because occasionally I will have cosine and tangent come to me and it just makes me feel unsettled. Oh, I don't even know cosine and tangent. This is perhaps why I'm used to so badly as a homeschooling teacher. I have no idea what it means. I just use, I sometimes use it as character names in my unpublished novels.

Jeff Cosine. Jeff Cosine, that's a good name, Fang. Jeff Cosine was, he was a vampire in my first book. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We've also had, we've had some other ones as well, which is from Chris Holton. And I would put this in a similar category.

Do you remember you were saying that your dad, Frank, had a mnemonic for the word content? Content. Oh, content. I said content. Content. No, content. Oh, content. I said content. No, content. No, no.

But content or content, I could see. But when it's at the beginning of a book, no one would call that content. No, this is true. Chris Holton has one which I'd put in a similar category, which is that it's a mnemonic for the word because, which is big elephants can't always use small exits. My children use that.

Oh, do they? For because. Yes. That's because their dad uses an elephant mnemonic to remember the points of the compass. Yeah, we're an elephant-obsessed family. I should have told you that. Is it because? Is there so many elephant mnemonics

because they are synonymous with having a good memory? Exactly. Oh, yes. Don't ask that on Twitter. You could break the internet. That'd be like that picture of Thingy's bomb. What's her name? Kim Kardashian.

Kim Kardashian, yeah. Thingy's good. You know what? Not being able to remember her name makes me as proud as not knowing any of the cast of Mamma Mia. Thingy is great. Let's have one more mnemonic. Let's have one more for now.

We've got a few more. We've got Roger has guitar strings. Eat a donut, get big ears. Oh, I see. No, that's not the mnemonic roger has contacted us we think everything's a mnemonic now roger has guitar strings no i always thought that was one roger has contacted us with the mnemonic eat a donut get ears, to remember guitar strings. Oh.

E-A. E-A-D-G-B-E. Is that correct? Any guitar players? Sounds right. Ears, yeah. Sounds right. I play ukulele and what people say when they play the strings is my dog has fleas and it is not the initials of the strings is my dog has fleas and um it is not the initials of the strings now obviously

it's to remember what they're supposed to sound like but i'm teaching buzz ukulele at the moment and he said why not good cats eat apples and um it's it's got everything it helps you to remember the names of the strings and it works as a little song. So you can have that. And it reminds you to feed the cat. Yeah. Not they won't eat apples I find, generally. Well, would they eat an apple, a cat

if it had nothing else? They eat anything, those things. That's fine, that's an experiment if anyone wants to try it at home. We'll give it a month. Shall we give it a month? No! So, what's the word on the street, as they used to say?

Well, you started one of your wide appeal text-ins last week by discussing working class ornaments that you had enjoyed and that you don't always see Yes, I gave the example of the China mouse

praying and begging for mercy in a large brandy glass with a China cat that used to hook on the top of it by its front paws. It was a real masterpiece, I must say. Well, we've had many, many replies with various ones, but one that caught my eye was Roz Jankowski, who says, Toby jogs thimbles, spoons and horse brasses,

but nothing beats 40 miniatures stacked in a display cabinet. And I remember all of those things in houses, particularly horse brasses. They were really popular. See, I think of them in pubs more than in... Maybe we weren't grand enough for those. Yeah, my background is really grand. You're right.

Put yourself down. I liked how, as well, Emily Jane Smith got in touch, who sounds like a sort of... I love the sound of her. Sounds like she writes detective novels. She says, I loved my Nana's collection of ornamental onyx.

Lighter? Of course lighter. Oh, yeah. Letter knife. Trinket box. And wait for it. Egg. collection of ornamental onyx lighter of course lighter oh yeah letter knife trinket box and wait for it egg oh yes oh the onyx egg the onyx egg all arranged frank next to the telephone on a nest of tables she was the first in the row to have a phone so when the neighbors borrowed it the display of grandeur was theirs to envy. You see, ours was a Mrs Morgan across the road.

Across our road, there were private houses. They were owned by the people that lived in them. So Mrs Morgan had a phone. I have to say, I don't know if she cursed us when the door closed, but she was very, very helpful if we needed, you know, because people only went there for emergencies and she never charged or anything like that.

She would let people from the council houses go into a private home and use the phone. That's great. Yeah. I think we could always hear the kettle boiling as we left, knowing that she was going to pour boiling water over the mouthpiece. Nevertheless. I love the mouthpiece. Nevertheless.

I love the onyx, though. I'd forgotten those, Frank. People loved a bit of onyx. Yeah, and also when you say cigarette lighter, I'm reminded of those. You used to get an ashtray on a stand. Yes. On one single leg. And then you used to press down on the top of it

and two little doors would open for the cigarette ends to go in. It was like that bit that Thunderbird 1 comes out of. It was like, no offence, but it was like a Doctor Who weapon. You know, that's the sort of technology they used, I'm afraid. I'm sure he's happy about this no it was uh oh god do people i don't suppose people have ashtrays anymore i think the thing to start is an ashtray museum um because they will be they'll be looked back on as absolute strange weird things from the past. The way we

might look on a thing that gets riding boots off, you know those. Also, boys, Ian H, with an A, I-T-C-H, says ball fighting poster with your grandad's name on it as the ball fighter.

I don't remember that. Oh, you do. That one escaped me. Al, do you remember that? I don't, but they sound fantastic. There was a thing about newspaper headlines with people's names and their picture. It's similar to that.

In the days when Photoshopping was basically sort of scrapbook technology. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. was basically sort of scrapbook technology. Far be it that this show should ever be accused of being self-indulgent, but I'd love to hear. If we've got any more working class ornaments, I do. It is a joyous thing. A lot of people have to say in Birmingham,

and I'm not sure this happened in other parts of the country, in the elephants, or the squirt, but they... I was referring back to owls. I don't know. Come on. Okay. Just in case anyone panicked,

a lot of people used to have a seashell on a shelf. And I wondered if it was because it was in Birmingham. The sea was such an exotic, far away place. I mean, it'd be like having moon rock on your shelf now. Oh, man, a seashell was such a big deal. And that thing of holding it up to your ear, you know that, so you could hear the sea. Oh yes, I do know.

They were certainly not just a Birmingham thing because I remember those in houses in Glasgow when I was visiting them as a kid. So it's definitely... We've had a few people message and mention whimsies anyone for a whimsy uh everyone seemed to have whimsies whimsicals basically a unit with tiny animal things on them i do not know what that is referring to do you guys yes i had i remember whimsies i think there was not a term have been tiny animal things, certainly. They were miniature.

You know, it's part of that sort of small ceramic animals, which seem to be a very 70s thing. We've also got wall sheets. Can I say there was a slightly cheaper version of that? People used to use as ornaments things which were clearly made as children's toys. And that was, there was those animals where if you pressed underneath the base, they collapsed.

Do you remember those things? They were like a elastic threaded through them. People would have like those, like the giraffe of that, as if it was some sort of beautiful ornament. Absolute rubbish. They were great for collapsing.

Adding to that, Pat Bosto, Frank, on a similar theme, says, I forgot about dolls in tubes. Dolls in tubes were a big thing back then. Yes. Is this from Sir Robert Winston? Blimey. And we've also got a black velvet wall scroll displaying a colourful glittery peacock.

These we have loved. Yeah, I bet they collected the bits, didn't they, those? Can you imagine it? And I don't want to end this section without reffing the very wonderful Dame Joan Bakewell, who has contributed Flying Ducks, the classic. Oh, wow. Very classic.

We've email exchanged this very week, but yeah, we never had those. I associate those so much with the Ogdens in Coronation Street. I'd almost forgotten the people really had them, but they did, didn't they?

We had the middle class version, which was the flying Maggie Thatcher's, ironic one. Did you? Yes, we did, of course. We'd have the pincushion, various pincushion things, but not hidden away in a sewing chest,

but on a mantelpiece, often like a tortoise with some sort of velvet implant back that had got pins in it. Rarely like the obvious porcupine or something that you might want to go for.

Or maybe what would be great is the Japanese in the Akira Kurosawa movie, Throne of Blood, to go with the Macbeth figure. I would love a pincushion made of that. He dies with all these... Are they swords or arrows?

Or maybe a Saint Sebastian pincushion. Are they swords or arrows in a Kurosawa film? We've now gone to ornaments I'd like to have existed. And not in Hellraiser. The felt St. Sebastian pincushion. Hellraiser would be another one, but I feel a need for neatness there that I wouldn't be prepared to commit to. You can't go

haphazard on the Hellraiser's pins. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. By the way, we said this at the beginning of the show, but I realise people don't always listen to the whole thing. I know. I know. But we're not live, so don't text in.

The stuff that we're reading out live is from Twitter. Of course, if you have texted in, you will have had to have paid. And to me, that's fitting punishment for not listening from the very beginning. But I mean, we're all different and you may feel that's over strict.

What else is going on? Well, there's a bit of literary news that might have caught your eye. Always good. I didn't get anything on Poetry News Update. I know you two are both published writers, but joining your group and with what I think I can fairly call a mega deal

is PE teacher to the nation joe wicks as apparently and i'm going to use some tabloid ease here he's inked a million pound deal a million pound book deal what it's a lot isn't it pounds it is a lot but i can tell you i think i think i know why he got that bigger deal. It's because he's a personal trainer. So every time they offered him a deal, he said, give me 20 more. Oh, that's good. He just worked his way up to a millionaire. It's a very Alan Cochran joke.

You see, I wouldn't have known. I love it. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know they did that. No, I didn't. Do you know that he's worth Joe Wick's boys, by the way? To me, he's worth the world. Well, I found this out and I was absolutely staggered.

14 million. What? I'm not even joking. There is an internet tradition I've found that if you look up any celebrity, it says net worth is one of the things you get. Why does it say net worth? I mean, yeah, don't reduce these people. I've got to say, I do the Joe Wicks workout with my partner and our child every weekday morning.

It started in lockdown and we just, we do it a day late so we can do it an hour early, if that makes any sense. So we don't actually do it live. And I think he's a very, very lovable character, Joe Wicks. And I'll tell you what's a very rare thing. He's good looking people who do not have the manner of good-looking people. Yeah. It's very unusual that because very, very handsome

or very beautiful people are often psychologically marred forever and not great company. I'm talking about the beautiful now, not the, you know, not the okay. I'm talking about the beautiful now, not the, you know, not the OK. But he's very foolish in the best possible way. There was a great thing. He went into hospital. He had some, his arm went septic and he had to miss a day or something like that. And it was quite a big deal.

And paparazzi were waiting for him outside. something like that, and it was quite a big deal. And paparazzi were waiting for him outside. And a lot of people, you might feel that he's part of the whole sort of reality TV thing, but he's a bit different from that. So when he left, he did this really weird comedy walk all the way to his car and completely ruined. It was just him like fooling around. And I think beautiful people don't normally do things like that.

No, of course they don't. So I have really grown to love him over the last 12 weeks. I'll tell you something, he's made me a much fitter man than I was at the beginning of lockdown. Has he? Definitely. Definitely. So I'm going to call myself a Wixian. Are you happy about this? I'm a W'm going to call myself a Wixian.

I am a Wixian. Simple as that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran, of course. We're not live, so please don't text the show. But you can follow us at at Frank on the Radio, on Twitter and Instagram.

And you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. We were mid-weeks, I think, and we were talking about... Remind me of this again. Joe Wicks has got a book deal. Because he's a published author. Because one of the things he does on his morning workouts is he has a spot the difference competition in which he puts different things on his shelves.

Yes. None of the working class ornaments we've discussed, I might say. But he does things like awards. He puts his awards out and stuff like that. does things like a war he puts his awards out and um yeah he's um he's obviously had fitness videos galore and stuff but also he's got like a range of kitchenware yeah and uh cookbooks he's got and i noticed i've been eyeing the podcast chats regularly just lately and i noticed that he had a podcast about weaning children weaning he's doing oh he called it weaning instead of leaning did he i believe yes he did yes i think

some of his books are about um 15 second workouts or 15 minutes a day he seems to quite like the number 15 oh okay 15 15 something wean makes sense if it's a pun on lean. Do you think he's got that Madonna Kabbalah thing of numerology? Maybe. Something like that going on. Maybe he's just got a lucky number thing. That was always my favourite moment on Love Island when someone said in all seriousness, one of the contestants said, what's your favourite number?

And someone said 11, quite seriously answered this, and she went, oh, my God, that's my favourite number. I love 11. Yeah, that is... That's different, isn't it? Whatever happened to Lockie numbers? That's gone, Aston. I don't know if people have those anymore. The idea of having a favourite number,

I think that's very strange, isn't it? Even Favourite Colour was always pushing it, but that used to be a regular question in like teen magazines and stuff. Favourite colour. I've got a good one, Frank. Favourite every week. Oh, yeah.

I don't like that. People would go weekend, I suppose. They'd go, thank God it's Friday and then we'd have to befriend them. Oh, of course. Of course. Here's a question for you. I'll let you have one guess each on this.

How tall is Joe Wicks? Okay. Can I go in first, Al? Yeah, sure. Go on. I'm not as familiar with his... I'm going to say 5'9". Ooh. Okay. Well, my first thought say 5'9". Okay.

Well, my first thought was 5'10". I don't know men's heights. Go on. He's a fabulous specimen, but he's 5'8". Is he? Is that quite short for a man, is it? Yeah, I thought he'd maybe just got a very long exercise mat. But it turns out that he is.

He's a sort of a travel personal trainer. Right. Yeah, but I was surprised. Do you know any of his other vital stats? Do you know what kilograms he weighs and stuff like that? No, it's just the cat. You bet he knows the guns. Kath's been reading

up on him and she just tried me on this. She just said, how tall do you think he is? And I thought, you know, because he's an impressive specimen, I thought like 6'1 or something. I was way out.

Way out. Did you call yourself a Wixian, Frank? I like 6'1 or something. I was way out. Way out. Did you call yourself a Wixian, Frank? I like that. Yeah, I'm definitely a Wixian. Because people who went to Winchester are called Wiccamists, aren't they? Ah. I don't think he went to Winchester. Oh, okay. He might have been to Winchester.

Yeah. I seem to remember his wife went to a very good Catholic school, if I remember right. I mean, we've really been studying them at home. Haven't you just? Has she? So what's the book? What kind of book is it? Well, interestingly, it's a bleak dystopian thriller.

Oh, wow. Yeah. That's the bit that surprised us all. The Wixer Man. Waiting for Wixer. Oh, wow. No, it isn't that, is it? No.

You're pulling my leg. I am, yeah. It's as yet untitled, I believe. Because he pulls my leg quite often, but he does it remotely. Which is fair enough. So we don't know, is it fiction? I think it's an exercise book. He's doing some children.

An exercise book? What, he's just got to draw the lines in? That's it's an exercise book. He's doing some children. An exercise book? What, he's just going to draw the lines in? That's it. It's a lot of money. Is he going to do margins? I don't know what they would have paid him for a maths exercise book when you have to do the squares. Well, that would have been two million.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, that would have been two million. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing Joe Wicks, the body coach, as he's known, as he's writing a book. I'd say he's written a few books. I mean, the thing is now, I think there's a list of things that people do. Kids books is one thing that seems to be like everyone.

Can I say, this is no reflection. I know I have friends who have written some marvellous kids books, but it is a thing that people like, you know, personal trainers might get asked to do. Yeah. And then people are also, it always so seems to be a perfectly standard skill that everyone has is to make the technical decisions in the assembly of a fragrance

which I always used to think I thought there were people who were called noses I mean there were one in a million type people who could do this but now it turns out any old character. And the other one, incredibly as well, is something I also,

I remember many years ago going to the Victoria and Albert Museum to see a Vivienne Westwood exhibition. And it was like a proper art exhibition. It was, I know nothing of fashion, but it was remarkable. But I think a fashion designer now that seems to be the other thing that yes anyone can get a job doing that so um i suppose this is the sort of a democratization of um of uh skill that we should all celebrate yeah well except if people start wanting to be surgeons. I mean, that would

concern me. That could be next if they've got a good hand. Imagine if it said, imagine if there was a news story saying Frank Skinner is to try his hand at open heart surgery. I would love that. Joe Wicks, I think, I don't know, the trouble is with Joe, I don't want my surgeon on a stepladder. I think, I don't know, the trouble is with Joe, I don't want my surgeon on a stepladder. That seems too... But so now it's a novel, a cookbook, kitchenware, fitness DVDs, an iPod on weaning, which I think is also going to become a book on weaning.

I mean, I love him, but speaking for myself, I can't get arrested at the moment. This bloke, he's an industry. He's a sort of renaissance man. I know. Oh, well, God bless him. As I say, he's done me good. He's brought our family together.

And you get 10 years. That's what they say, isn't it? You get 10 years. 10 years. Well, being they say, isn't it? You get 10 years. 10 years. Well, being white hot, mercury hot. And then it's all a bit downhill and then you can come back again. Good luck. Okay, yeah. Of course, there are many

people in the British radio who got their 10 years and then got 10 years. So, it's a saying which has developed some sort of an echo. Yeah. By that comparison, you're doing great.

Yeah, exactly. I'm still at large. I don't know if I can speak for the rest of this, Link, but we'll give it a go. Anyway, I look forward to that book. We still haven't really established what it is. I really hope it's a dystopian novel. It's about getting the nation healthy.

I saw a comment and it said something like, Jerwicks is a popular figure and getting the nation healthy is a big deal and books play a crucial part. And then it said in the small print, the actual book will weigh 30 kilograms. Oh, Frank, the thing is, they don't quite know what it's about yet. Here's the thing.

They've just given him the deal, I'm sure. Did he say books are a big part of getting people fit? Yes, he did. And I have to say, he did say that, Al. He said that was because he'd also been not. The strange story saying he'd been nominated for an OBE. It doesn't work like that, Wicks. Oh, no, I'd be fine with that.

You can't get nominated by someone. I can't say I want Alan Cochran to have an OBE. You have to get awarded one. I've been badgering the royal family about this. The trouble is my main contact is persona non gratis at the moment. That slowed down the process. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So what else is happening in the world?

I've lost touch, generally speaking. Well, we've been talking a lot about language this morning, which I've rather enjoyed. But there was something I came across this week, which was news of the most commonly misspelled word in Britain. Do you know what that is? Can I pull you up there before you tell us? Oh, UK. UK? Even, I would normally say misspelt and spell it with a T at the end. Would you say misspelled? Well, you know what? I would defer to you on this because you're quite good on your old school, Grandma. No, I wouldn't. I would have said misspelled. Remember, for

the first 25 years of my life, I used to say chimbley. Those things that smoke come out of. So I wouldn't, I wouldn't. Listen, here's how it is. Pronunciation. Forget about it. With as far as you're concerned, but with regards to spelling, grammar, anything like that, I'm I, I would go with you. So I'll say misspelt words in Britain. Okay. Sounds like bread, though. It sounds like if the bread companies had a beauty contest,

there could be a person who was misspelt. Remember, in a time when, before beauty contests became... PC. Yeah. Well, no, they didn't become PC. PC, Jim Davidson. They were rejected. PC Brigade.

Yeah, them women's livers, they spoiled it. But you didn't... Guys, can you hear that? No, what is it? Oh, it's my doorbell. It's the visitor from Porlock. What am I going to do? It's all right.

My doorbell went last week. Yeah, but only I can answer it. Me and Al will keep talking. I'll leave you to it. Excuse me. Thank you. So if you had to have a guess who it was, Al, what would you say? I think it's probably a fresh fruit and vegetables box. What do you reckon? Oh, I think it's probably a fresh fruit and vegetables box.

What do you reckon? Oh, I think it's dry cleaning. Oh. I think one night a week, Emily wears an elaborate ball gown around the house, just for psychological reasons. And I think I heard the rustle of very, very very thin polythene which can only say dry cleaning and car service oh hello who was it by the way well do you know what was odd there was a i'm not

lying there was a single red carnation outside my front path after the doorbell rung that is lovely that's all that was out there no and then, and then I realised it had just fallen off a bush and it was a man with a package for me. Thank you. I thought you were going to say someone had been hit by a car and actually hurled over into your garden and you saw the flout, the botanol that had fell out. When you look to your left,

there they were as a sort of broken figure on your lawn i'm glad i'm glad it didn't turn out so what are the most misspelt um words well have you already covered separate is the most misspelt the word separate presumably because people put an E instead of an A is that right? yes I see but they said it was from Google searches they said it was like 92,000 Google searches of the word separate is it separate or separate?

I just thought this is great news for the UK divorce lawyers that was my main thought or it might be the Joe Wicks generation who are just drinking half a dozen egg yolks every morning. That is another possibility, of course. Or there's a lot of dogs having physical relations in people's gardens, and they're looking up the best way to deal with it.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I find it interesting that the red tops are running articles about the most misspelt words. It doesn't seem so long ago, does it? Maybe it's before your time. But I remember when the teaching profession regarded spelling as a bit of a bourgeois construct. And the idea was that children should be allowed to express themselves

and we shouldn't, you know, teachers would say this sort of stuff. It's not about rules and regulations and about, you know, teachers would say this sort of stuff. It's not about rules and regulations and about, you know, discipline. It's about expression. And the school's on fire. Can I just say the school's on fire? It was sort of, it was like that. And you used to see, I remember going to a school, I forget for some reason, there was a play or something on.

And on the wall, there was kids' essays that were just completely misspelled and we asked someone about it and the teacher said we don't worry about that it's all about just speaking from the heart but it seems that that has changed I think it's still like that in schools but I think the tabloids probably want the spellings to be better which is weird given the state of their websites often. Yes.

Well, I... It's hard, isn't it? We've sort of gone back to the sort of early 20th century when I would say most communication there is written. Yes. Good point, yes. And that is a time when you sort of think that people don't do much writing. Do they actually? I genuinely don't know this.

You know how you would get like, I've got the collected letters of Samuel Johnson and stuff like that. Do you get... Relatable material. No, but I mean, could you? That was just a par example. But I mean, could you go and buy a book of sort of online? Could you get like the selected Snapchats of Alexa Chong? In hardback.

Could you get the collected emails? Can you buy that? Do you know, could you get the collected emails? Can you buy that? Didn't Kim Kardashian do a book which was based on her Instagram posts? I appreciate that's visual rather than written, but still it's just, it is essentially just a collection of your social media activity. Presumably, and people who say interesting things

and write interesting things to their friends know by email that would have done it by letter. It's just as legitimate to publish a collection of those as it would be letters. But I can't think of ever seeing. I've never seen the collected emails of Stephen Fry. of... Joe Wicks. Who's a well-known... Stephen Fry. Yes. I mean, surely the collected emails of Stephen Fry would be a popular seller.

Hmm. Yes. Well, I suppose they... It's interesting, though, because they did say, Frank, you know, we should say, actually, other words that people on this commonly misspelt list, misspelt. I do. By the way, I do love misspelt. That reminded me of when they used to do National Prune Week and there'd be someone from Coronation Street posing in hot pants.

Or dressed as a prune on a really, if they'd really thrown money at it. Yeah, yeah. But the other words were questionnaire. Also, I mean, I hope this is okay to mention this word. It is a gross word. I do apologise, but I can't help it. It's diarrhoea. Oh, okay. Okay. That is a tough one to spell.

It's a tough one to have. You can see why it often gets abbreviated. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. I know, I know I shouldn't. But you know what it's like when? When I was telling my son recently, he got a scab on his arm and I said, oh God, a good scab like that would keep me going three or four days on the picking front.

They don't do it now, the children. But not that I've seen. I wouldn't mind going back just for one last hurrah to the working class ornaments. Oh, yeah. Stuff that we've had from our readers. It's one of my favourite ever. Yeah.

We might even carry this over another week. Go on. Another week? The whole show is going to be themed around it. Matthew Rigby has mackerel ashtray. Anyone familiar with that? A lot of ashtrays here. I've seen that.

We've got Pablo. Pablo has suggested, he's talking about China ornaments. His favourites were Urchin on Bench. See also Homeless Man with Dog. Oh, yes. Yes, I'd forgotten those. Yeah, the homeless actually were quite a popular Capi de Monte scene. Quite romantically portrayed.

It was different times, yeah. The odd thing is that they arrived in a cardboard box, of course. Oh, God. Yes, it is different times. But it was meant affectionately, I think. It was quite a romantic thing then, what was then called The Tramp, of course. To move on, what else?

Sir Arthur Putey says cottage teapots. Anyone remember those? Yes. Are you familiar with those? Definitely. I remember people that had old collections of teapots of various things, but the cottage was tremendously popular. People used to have those tiny sort of towns,

like sort of small houses that they'd have all gathered together. Do you remember that? Yes, yes, I do remember that. It was, there were also, sorry, I'm just reading something here. Joe Clark, do you remember these guys? Those lamps with the hanging beads for a shade that old women used to win at the bingo. Anyone familiar with those?

Yes, they were very, I think of them very much as fortune teller lamps. All right. They had that kind of Madam Rosa kind of thing. The thing that working class, speaking of the working class in the past, working class women in those days very often would go and see a local clairvoyant.

Oh, yeah. Is that right? I mean, just like a woman. I don't mean like a woman in a booth. I mean, just Mavis from number 37 who had the, whatever it was they have, the third eye or something. The power.

And they would go and, I never remember any men doing it, but yeah, middle-aged working-class women would go and find out their futures, which, I mean, I could have told them at the time. It was going to be drudgery and very little affection. But I wouldn't have charged them for it. But, you know, they wanted something a bit more exotic. It was like a gathering of the women of the tribe

to talk about the future. I wonder if that still goes on. We've also got just a couple more I'd like to share with you. Guinness two cans and a Johnny Walker jug, a Bell's whiskey bell, getting an insight into your house, Mary Roberts, and baby sham glasses in my late mother-in-law's cabinet. I don't think I ever saw a whiskey bottle with whiskey

and it only ever had small change. Yes, I remember those. And also in the times in pubs when people would push over a tower of pennies and catch it in a blanket. They'd have like a local newscaster would come. Anyway, look, we can't go. We could just talk like this all day. What's going on?

Thank God. Congratulations everyone for not using the word spangles. Thank you so much for listening to us today. You know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, be alert.