The Frank Skinner Show - The Not The Weekend Podcast

Episode Date: February 8, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth talk about invisibility cloaks, sniffer mice and the latest infestation at Downing Street.

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It's, um, it's that, you know, not the weekend podcasting with Frank Skinner. Through the auspices of, I've said it again, Absolute Radio. And I'm with Gareth and Emily. Hello. And we were just, you know, sitting around talking. We thought we'd invite you to join us.

What about that? For a way of putting it. You know, to suggest the intimate manner of the whole shebang. So shebang, shebang. Oh, I love that one. She move, she move. Do you know I once went to Barcelona to see Ricky Martin live? Well, I think you might have told me this.

Was it a girlfriend made you go? It was a girlfriend. She didn't make me go. I took her as a bit of a treat. Oh. You know. And what a treat it was. It was after.

Did he sing She Bang? I did. Fine. He sang it. He started with Living La Vida Loca. Oh, I love it. I don't want him to start with the big hit. Where's he got to go from there?

Okay, you know, we still had Undo Stress for the encore, but I'd have held back Living La Vida Loca. And Hero, did he end with Hero? No, that's not him. That's only Ted Glacier, you fool. I thought, oh, God, I've picked a hole in my Ricky Martin knowledge. Frank, you know exactly what you're talking about. It's this fool here with his Enrique Iglesias rubbish.

But Enrique, is he the one who's just done a really rude... He's done a really rude titled song, Enrique, hasn't he? Oh, sort of let me touch you there, don't you? No, no, it's got a swear word in the title. Have I just made that up? No, sorry, I thought you were just reading a note that gareth had passed across um no i mean it's got a proper swear word in it category c category f oh dear yeah i mean in the title it's all right it's all right slipping one in verse three where no one's gonna's going to... Well, exactly. What's happened to him? See, they start off wearing a woolly hat indoors,

next thing you know, they're swearing. That is the whole urban experience, as I see it. Anyway, those of you who listen to the radio show as well as... I don't know if there's anyone who would listen to this and not the radio show. I mean, I see this as an annex. Exactly. Sort of an appendix.

Or an appendix, if you like. What else could it be? An addendum. We're coming up with, as you can tell, we've got the Oxford English Dictionary. We're going through for what this is. But I was talking about the fact that I'd been interviewed by a lady from Lovett.

And one of the things she did was I had to draw three words out of her hat, her sequined hat, and make a joke out of it. And we did it on the show. And I have to say, Gareth Richards knocked me into a cocked hat with it. He did. I think Gareth Richards enjoys, obviously, a sort of Dadaist approach to comedy. You know, the Dadaists, as I'm sure you all know, as a movement, they used to write poetry and stuff by just putting words onto paper, throwing it in the air

and wherever it landed, that would be the poem. And I didn't know you were a Dadaist. It may have been a fluke. Well, there's one way to find out. Oh, no. But I feel like one of those people now who loses. You know when they play, maybe they play their 12-year-old nephew a table football

at the Christmas party, and then they lose, and you see the slight twitch in the corner of their mouth, and they say, come on, best of three, then. Best of three, I feel like that. That's exactly what it is. This is sly tackling a toddler playing football. Yeah, but we've proved that you are a Dadaist comic, so, you know, I'm on the back foot, as it were.

OK, on with the games. Do you know I've got a back foot? Really? It's weird. I don't know. It is, yeah. The money I've saved on shooting sticks. I've got a little tub here.

I know you have, but we don't bring it up. But I love the way it sits on those designer jeans, like Auntie Dante on a brick wall. Talk about anything else but not my tummy. It's actually not bad, Gareth, is it? It's not bad. It's not bad. I've got... It's quite a washboard.

I've got a little tub here, and it's got pieces of paper written down by the producer with random words, OK? So you're going to have three words, guys, to make a constructor joke from. Can I say the last time we did this, the three words that came out, chosen by the producer, were King, Texas, and was it Kidney, the other one? Yeah. Not, I would call, common components of a joke.

No, I think she sort of... She does live in Birmingham, though. She gets herself into, like, a trance-like state. I was like, does she have a familiar? South American in Birmingham, though. She gets herself into, like, a trance-like state. Oh, it's like that? Does she have a familiar? Yeah, and this gets quite wild. Who's Derek's... What's he called?

Joe, is it? Sam. Sam. Derek and Corliss. Familiar. These were chosen by Emma's familiar, who I think is called Enid. I'm guessing.

Shall we begin? Yeah, here comes the words. As Enrique Iglesiasid. I'm guessing. Shall we begin? Yeah, here comes the words. As Enrique Iglesias said. I'm tense. Can I say Gareth is actually limbering up? He's physically limbering up. Picture that, if you will. Word number one.

Spatula. What? You've made that up. I haven't. I haven't. Well, well. Gareth's making notes. OK. you've made that up I haven't I haven't well Gareth's making notes okay

spatula Gareth's like a countdown contestant I'm drawing a mind map okay I'll be going to go over to you you'll be sitting with Giles Bradford I will not no I wouldn't do that. Terrible.

Go on then. Word number two. Parachute. I mean... I like daisies. Sudden... Gasps. I can't believe it. Gareth is actually

looking exactly like the Countdown. He's got that slight swagger. In the world of comedy, I am the Countdown contestant of comedy. He's very blockbusters as well. If I come up with the same joke as you, will I have to pass the bit of paper across to you to check it? I'll check the workings out.

One of the least professional things ever done on television is that two contestants pass a bit of paper to each other to see... Anyway. So what's happened to implied trust, which there should be? What has happened to implied trust? In the same way that when you win at the end, you assume that you're going to get your money,

unless it's bullseye when you have to see the cash. Yeah. OK, so, so far, Frank, we've got spatula, we've got parachute. Word number three. Mushroom. OK. Mushroom, parachute, spatula. OK.

Well... Would you like some time to think about it? No, no, you can't have time to think about it. You have to go straight into it. So I was in this... I joined this... gay skydiving team. And I was in the plane ready to jump

and one of the men was standing extremely close to me and I said I have to say there's not mushroom in this fire and he said he said to me he was a confirmed spatula very good that's going to be quite hard to be particularly mushroom

so Cheryl Cole was performing her hit i don't need a parachute and um one day and she came off stage and um she was um she hesitation her rider her rider involved some um um mushrooms um and um she um didn't like the mushrooms so she projected them from her mouth and then she ate some Wrigley's gum

and then she went back to sing and one of her entourage said, oh that's what Cheryl was always like, spatula I don't get it because she spat out the mushroom, then she chewed some... Spat-chew. I put a lot of pressure.

Oh, I see, and then sung. And then sung. Spat-chew-la. Spat-chew-la. Oh, I get it. One each, then. One all. One all.

So, um... Yeah, what else? What else is in the loo? Decide it later. Yeah, my... See, what's happened is I only add a six, but you've claimed a seven, but I'm afraid it's not in the dictionary. No, it's definitely not in the news? See, what's happened is I only had a six, but you've claimed a seven, but I'm afraid it's not in the dictionary. No, it doesn't lie in the dictionary.

I'm afraid not. I think you're right. It seems like it could have been a word, but saying it out loud... Don't, don't, don't. Let it go. Sorry, Frank, I'm just going to take my gilet off. It's very hot in here, isn't it? Yeah, sorry. It's so hot, I'd say that...

It's very hot in here, isn't it? Yeah, sorry. It's so hot, I'd say that... It's getting hotter. Yeah. All my lower parts are completely now external. I'm taking my jacket off. It's so hot in here, it's ridiculous. Do you mind if I take my jeans off? Yes. Well, that's how Bewitched started

and their career went down the toilet once they got out the denim. Could you hang that on the back of the... Thank you so much. It's a turn for the mic. It doesn't sound good if I turn away. So I just can't. Anyway, so... I feel a bit itchy.

Well, speaking of itchiness, what about David Cameron's children? He's probably one of the poshest blokes in Britain. They've got knits. Well, exactly. I find it reassuring that posh people's kids get knits as well. I can imagine he's probably had them loaded with knits

to seem like a man of the people. No, but Frank, knits like clean hair. Or is that what your mum tells you to make you feel better? I don't believe that for one second. It's true. Knits like clean hair. Well, I had knits when I was a child and one thing I didn't have was clean hair.

I don't remember washing my hair until I was about 14. I washed it with soap until I was 20. You didn't. I just continued. When I washed my face, I just kept going. Yeah. So we had a woman who used to come round, a friend of mine who was a very black country man.

He used to call her the knit-noss. And she was black country man, he used to call the knit-noss. And she was the knit-nurse. Oh, knit-noss is coming. And she used to go into a room and they used to look at us individually at our hair. This was at the school or at the house? At school, yeah. They didn't come to the house. So the idea was that if you did have

knits, no one would know. So then you'd all go back to your class and the knit-noss would come in and say right you you you and you and of course it's so oh that's so obvious so i remember sitting in the chair at home and my mom picking her way through my my hair like an ape and every oh she said oh god this is a good one an idea oh and she that? She used to kill them in between her thumbnails. Oh, I feel sick. Well, there was no internet in them days.

We had to make our own entertainment. And her fingers would be covered in blood. It was magnificent. What is? Wow. But I had nits as an adult, Frank. Did you? Yeah. How did you get them, do you think?

Well, I got them off my friend's kids. i do have quite long hair as you know kids as well i think we all know are a reservoir of disease and infection but i found out that i had nits and it was really embarrassing as well well it is of course and i just started going out with someone at the time we went on holiday so i had to go to the chemist without him seeing and he did say to me afterwards i got a bit he said look you've got nits haven't you did he did say to me afterwards, I got a bit... He said, look, you've got nits, haven't you? Did he? Yes. And I said...

Perceptive. Was he a celebrity? Yes, he was. Oh, OK. He said, when I saw you coming out of the chemist with a bottle... Let's hope it was Duncan Goodhue. He said, when I saw you coming out of the chemist with... And on the bottle, there was a picture of a giant beetle on it,

which was true. But I also... Another time, then I had to go in and buy some from the chemist with, and on the bottle there was a picture of a giant beetle on it. Which was true. But I also, another time, then I had to go in and buy some from the chemist and I lied and said I had children. Because I was embarrassed. Can you get lotion for children? Well no, but it's just that he said, he assumed he said how many children and I just went, two.

You thought one adult head. Yeah, it was a bit embarrassing. And he said boy boy or girl? He was testing me. Wow. I said both. I wonder what they make of your extensions. What one of those?

I don't have extensions. Oh. This is my real hair. Oh. It's long, isn't it? This is my, it's not that long. It's my real hair. Okay.

So, yeah. No, I think, I do think it's funny, though, knits. You think it's funny though knits i think it's funny yeah have you had knits david camera oh yeah i've had loads of knits yeah they've got mousse now though back in the day they used to have this terrible lotion that was like really selson burnt you or like they had this stuff when i was at school it was purple stuff they used to put on your hair that was a giveaway as well that was for worms and those combs where the teeth in the comb were virtually a solid block. They were so the tightest teeth combs in the world. Yeah, and they went through you with a fine-tooth comb.

It was as simple as that. A friend of mine said that, which I thought was funny, was that when she was at school and Mark Bolan was big at the time and he had a haircut, had all his hair cut off, and everyone at school said it was because he had nips. It was possible.

I imagine he hung around with some shabby people. We had mice as well on the infestation front. I remember my dad was once standing, he was just wiping his hands on a tea towel. Because I don't know about you with tea towels. If I get wet hands, I don't go to the bathroom and find a proper towel. I use the tea towel. You with me?

Yep. So he's there drying his hands on the tea towel. Suddenly, he leapt like a salmon. He leapt full length across the room. And what he was doing, he'd seen a mouse. And he leapt like a slip catch, he caught it in the tea towel. Wow. Did he? Brilliant. He was very

good with the... What did he do with it? Oh he killed it. Yeah he was... Bare hands? Actually to give him the benefit of the doubt I think we had a cat at the time and I think he sort of took it out and then let the cat have it. So he the the food chain he didn't just kill it willy-nilly

we came home from school one day i don't know if i've told you this but um we came home from school and my mom said oh um the guinea pig wasn't looking well so softening you up so i drowned it and her dad because her dad used to keep pigeons, he would... I like the way you moved on swiftly. No, this is putting it in context. He would, if the baby pigeons weren't well, he would drown it in a bucket of water. So my mum had done this to our guinea pig.

OK. She had got a bucket of water and held it under until it stopped moving. OK. She drowned the guinea pig. We didn't try and get off school for a while after that. We were saying we were ill. I suppose she thought, well, when we're in Disneyland,

we won't be able to feed it. It was a toss of a kind. You and your brother didn't go under. Why did she drown the guinea pig? Because it wasn't well. I haven't been well, but don't drown me. She obviously thought, you know, you go to the, whatever they call them,

the veterinarian, it's going to cost a fortune to have that put down. So we just put it in there. She needed Natalja, couldn't she? She just said it died. She should say what my dad said, Danny's a dead pussy. That's what he said when my cat died. Is that right? Yeah.

Oh, good. Don't ever have that put on a T-shirt. That's my dad. Yeah, well, she could have said it had just died is that right yeah oh good don't ever have that put on a t-shirt yeah well she could have she could have said it had just died though i suppose if you'd found it in the bin she could have said it was buried at sea you could have oh god was did you did you hold out any hope at all frank maybe artificial respiration but when she says it wasn't feeling well, that's a bit non-specific. It is a bit. How does she know? It's guesswork, isn't it, largely?

I mean, exactly. It's not going to say, oh, I had to feel terrible. I imagine it was really, it seemed like it was in pain, not just a bit picky. It seemed. That's my problem with this whole thing. It seemed. It's subjective.

It certainly looked slightly panic-stricken when he came up for the third time. Oh, God. You can't even hold him by the tail, a guinea pig. It's really upset me. Oh, come on. It has. My dad put a spade through a dog in our garden. Oh, my God, why did he do that?

Because people then, they didn't take animals to be put down. Just, you know, they were going to die anyway. It was quick, It was very quick. Oh, great. Spayed through a dog. Not Shep. Oh, God, no. When they say it needs to be spayed, that's not what they mean. No, clearly that was a mistake.

When I had a mice problem, my mum just turned up and went, oh, my God, darling, and she turned up with a hammer and some black pepper. That's what she did. She was going to season them. They don't like being seasoned, I find. We had flies in my Birmingham flat. I have a Birmingham flat.

And, blimey, I mean, there was like, it felt like a million flies in there. So, obviously, I rolled the newspaper. I'm a traditionalist, and I went after them. And it was actually utterly exhausting. You try and kill that many flies with a newspaper. And I did think, you know, you're always thinking of, you know me, I'm always looking for an opportunity, a career opportunity. And I was thinking workout video, where, you know, it comes with a load of flies.

It could come with maybe a horse head and then you grow your own flies. And then, because it really did, it was a proper workout trying to kill them. And you start thinking maybe a bit of backhand, you know, you start developing a technique and when i went to bed that night i closed my eyes and i could still see the sort of fly movements going across my yeah we had um in our when we lived in cardiff we had we had slugs

and um so you'd come down in the morning and all the carpet there'd be a silvery trail over the carpet all around were they well see we had silver fish do you remember those yeah you gotta bring them on when you put the light on or if you got up in the night they'd all scamper the bit it'd be like a beautiful they're in the bath were they no they were on the carpet oh i think they're normally in the bath but never mind oh the carpet if you could imagine it was like I left my action man once on the floor and it looked like he'd opened a trout farm. Yeah, they scatter. That doesn't happen so much with slugs. No, the slug scattering is a very unspectacular phenomenon. Quick run for it. Have we started?

So this week in the paper, it's very exciting. So this week in the paper, it's very exciting, scientists have made a breakthrough with making an invisibility cloak. Oh. What? Well, it's not quite a cloak, but kind of they use crystals. They use a particular sort of crystals. Calcite.

Yes, calcite crystals. Oh, God, that was good. Yeah, it's good. Well made up. No, that was good. And, um, yeah, it's good. Well made up. No, that is it. And, um, they've only managed to, like, make micron-level things disappear before, but they've done it with pins and paperclips now. Up to one centimetre. Oh, hold on.

They've made pins and paperclips invisible. Yeah, appear to not be there. It's by splitting light in some way. So they're still there. They're still there, but they're invisible. Yeah, appear to not be there. It's by splitting light in some way. So they're still there. They're still there, but they're invisible. It's incredible. Yeah, they don't make them disappear. They're not the great Soprendo.

No. Well, no one is anymore. He did disappear. God bless him. Oh, he was in the box. Can I say? Don't maybe. God bless him.

Well, that's absolutely incredible, isn't it? Yeah. Invisibility. I mean, that's one of the dreams of humanity, to be invisible. Well, don't get crude. What do you mean? Well, because I remember at school, boys used to talk about, imagine if you was invisible,

you could just sit in the girls' changing rooms and stuff like that. And you couldn't really. No. In case someone sat on you. Well, I mean, there are several things. Also, you couldn't see anything because you'd be blind anyway. Why would you be blind? Because the light would have nothing to reflect off, would it?

That's how you're able to see. So it would go straight past your optic nerve or whatever. You wouldn't be able to see anything. Is that right? Yeah. Well, that's absolutely... My goodness. But it's true, though, isn't it? I've scuppered the whole thing.

Wait, what's going on? It's because the light reflects off your retina. I don't know how you see. I just thought... Oh, I know that. So how come the light you've made me go cross-eyed? So is this why you can't see in the dark? Presumably, yeah. Well, I'll get it where I am.

That's why there's no lights but then but isn't it one way the invisibility cloak it's not making everything else don't treat me like stephen hawking suddenly i know one thing i'm not even you can't see out of us the invisibility cloak is that's true but one thing that you when these kids used to talk about you know oh god we'd be able to see you know susan whoever i won't use their name uh we'd be able to see Susan, whoever, I won't use her name, we'd be able to just sit and, you know. And I used to think, well, the trouble is, we'd have to be naked. Yeah, we would. Because you couldn't wear clothes, obviously,

so they're not going to go invisible. So you'd have to sit in the girls' changing rooms naked, and you never, I don't think I'd have the confidence that it wasn't going to wear off suddenly. And then suddenly you're naked in the girls'. And then I'd have the confidence that it wasn't going to wear off suddenly. And then suddenly you're naked and it goes. And then you'd have to do that thing, oh, oh, oh, what happened? Oh, no, you know.

I know, I didn't fancy that. They might accidentally throw a towel on you. I'd have a really nice day. I'd just go to cinema. Wouldn't have to pay. It'd be nice to watch a film invisible. Also, what occurs to me is, would all of you be invisible?

Everything internal and everything. Yeah, I don't think you'd just want to be like body, you know... What if you got dirty? A kidney going to Texas. Wouldn't there be two vague grey patches of aerosol moving through the air? That would worry me.

And what if I had nail polish on? What about if you'd left a tiny piece of toilet paper on your bottle that would just be in midair what a giveaway there's all sorts of honest problems i must say it would be brilliant though wouldn't it if i could do it if i could be invisible like for a day i wouldn't go and sit in kate winslet's bedroom and wait what would you do i I would go to Derek Acora's house. And I would move stuff about. I might, you know, pick up a teacup in front of him,

lift it in there and put it down again. Just so he started to think, oh, God, you know, there are real spirits. I've been lying all these years and now they've come back together. See what he does, because if he acts surprised... Yeah. Or if you were doing a TV show, if you suddenly got him in a headlock, and he'd be going,

Sam! Get him, Sam! It'd be brilliant. It'd really challenge everything about the whole Ikorian Empire. Have some fun with some Ouija boards. Spell out whatever you want

you could just hit a core of full in the face as long as you've got blood on your hand of course then you'd be uh they'd be able to spot you yeah yeah i um i thought i might like to um go to um buckingham palace it was weird thinking about it you don't have to be invisible to do that no but I'm not a royalist but I realised if I was invisible I'd quite like to go and sit with the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh just see what they talk about

I don't think they talk anymore do you think they do? I just think you'd be drawn in you know what I mean you'd start off like that next thing you know you're with her in the toilet I just think the temptations that's why I don't want to know about it You know what I mean? You'd start off like that. Next thing you know, you're with her in the toilet. I just think the temptations, that's why I don't want to know about it.

I think there are terrible temptations. Stealing, of course, wouldn't be one. Oh, yeah. You couldn't shoplift because the items wouldn't be invisible. Poltergeist. Yeah, but they couldn't apprehend you, so you could still steal. Well, they'd just follow the handbag. I can imagine, couldn't apprehend you, so you could still steal. Well, they'd just follow the handbag. I can imagine, couldn't you, some security guard shouting, follow the handbag!

Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry, I'm scratching. Keep talking amongst yourselves. I'd like to be, I wouldn't want to be invisible all the time, but being able to be invisible on demand would be quite good. Oh, yeah, we'd all want that. So that if you... No, Iod, it would be, wouldn't it? be invisible on demand would be quite good oh yeah we don't want that so that if you if you're visible on demand um you know if you just say something really awkward in a social situation just ping you could just disappear well you've still got to clear up

your mess love at some stage they know you said it they'd know you were there as well yeah i think it'd be more useful to alter world events in some way. You could run onto the pitch at West Brom, you could change everything. You could pick that little ball up, put it somewhere else. You're right. That's true. On the goal line. I did think about that this week.

I watched Sky 3D. Oh, yeah. And at West Bromwich Albion, we're on. I'd never watched them on... Well, actually, I have watched them in 3D before, yeah. And at West Bromwich Albion, we're on. I'd never watched them on... Well, actually, I have watched them in 3D before, obviously. About 10 million times. But, I mean, I watched them on telly in 3D. And I thought, you know, it would be brilliant.

If I could have got Kath to watch it, she won't watch football, and I would have got one of those yellow official issue Premier League footballs and when the ball went up just thrown it into the room that would have been such a great practical joke but of course the moment had gone

let's not worry about that oh the mice are in did you read about the world's loudest alarm clock? oh I want that you know we bought you a John Wayne cookie clock for your birthday? How could I forget that? That's what I want, this loudest alarm clock.

So just so you know. How loud is it? It's very loud. Well, apparently, yeah. It's almost... I think it's like only 30 decibels less loud than an ambulance. An ambulance? Yeah.

That's really loud. Yeah, it's close to an ambulance. You know when an ambulance is loudest, it's a bit upsetting. Yes, especially if you're in it. That's true. Yeah. You actually get tearful as an ambulance. Yeah, it's a bit much.

Perhaps you're just allergic to the Doppler effect. That could be it. But I need this, Frank, because I do have real problems waking up. And the snooze, I'm so dependent on the snooze. Oh, no, I never touch the snooze. Do you not? You're more disciplined than me. The whole thing with the snooze. For me, people who use the snooze, their life is on snooze.

Well, that's the thing. It's true. It's true. I feel ashamed of my dependence on the snooze button. Where does it come from that thing about oh a little extra five minutes no because it tricks you it tricks you and then you think right i've done all my snoozing now now i'll just lie in bed for a minute and because i'm up now i won't go to sleep i'll just lie here a minute you wake up an hour later you know ethan's eaten a shepherd not in my bed no ethan's eaten a shepherd goodness me that's bed, no. Ethan's eaten a shepherd. He's eaten a shepherd.

Goodness me. That's a... No, but Frank, what I have to do is, I'm dependent on the snooze and then I feel filled with self-loathing because I've used the snooze. Quite right.

Yeah, I know it is. You're right. And then I'll think, right, there's only one way for it. After two snoozes... Two snoozes. Two snoozes. I know, Frank.

You're like an addict. I know. They're ten minutes each. Ten minutes a piece. Ten minutes. It's true. I know, Frank. I know. They're ten minutes each. Ten minutes a piece. Ten minutes. It's true. That's 20 minutes. Ten minute snooze.

Have a five minute snooze. Have four. Can you change the snooze duration? Can you? I think you can on some things. Oh, well, mine's ten minutes. Emma's saying yes. Daisy's saying definitely no.

I've just kept it as manufacturer setting. We can get a snooze flash. Oh. So I've got two snoozes, Frank, two snoozes later. Right. And then I think, this is getting ridiculous. I feel so angry with myself. I then pull the duvet back, like in one very swift movement,

and I just lie there until, and then I think, I'm so cold, I'll have to get up. That's my way of getting up. You know what worries me now? There's men listening to this on their iPods. They will have stopped mid-walk down the street at the thought of your duvet flying back and you just lying there in the cold, getting... All the silverfish scuttling away.

Yeah, exactly. What, On Emily? She's infested, apparently. Excuse me, Richard and Andy. You might want to play this back. When I did the Charles Atlas course... What? When I was 14, I did the Charles

Atlas bodybuilding course. You did it. You too can have a body like mine, yeah. You did it. I did. Charles Atlas?building. You did it. You too can have a body like mine, yeah. You did it. I did. Charles Atlas. Charles Atlas was a very famous bodybuilder and he used to do this course for people like me, Nine Stone, well, I wasn't Nine Stone.

I was like a Five Stone weekly. When you're 14, you shouldn't do it that young. No, probably not. It's still good growth. I think it's... Yeah, be like Gareth. Do the Charles Atlas when you're 24. No, I think it said 13 to 60 or something like that.

Oh, right. I could do it again. There's time. I've still got it somewhere. Anyway, I did the Charles Atlas. And he used to say, one thing you must never do is, once you're awake, you have to get up instantly. Do not lie around.

And what he said and what I used to do is you keep two flannels in the fridge and you go straight down get out of bed go straight to the fridge you slap one on the small of your back and the other one on your um genitalia right i don't think this is okay it used to be 13 year old boys just slap old flannels on their genitalia i don't think this is okay. It's okay. It used to be. Telling 13-year-old boys to slap cold flannels on their genitalia. I don't think this is savoury. Well, my mum and dad were just glad I'd put anything... They were having breakfast.

I walked in naked half asleep, straight to the fridge. They were happy for a flannel just to go anywhere near it. Yeah, exactly. They were glad for it. Yeah, but it's true. I used to do that every morning. Every morning for three months. Did you do that?

Yeah. Wow. That explains it. Yeah. How did you find it? Well, it woke me up. I will say that. There was no snooze on the flannel.

Yeah. So, Frank, these days... So your attitude is you snooze, you lose. Yes. Frank, these days, how do you arise then? That's a very personal question. You can't do it without a cold flannel now. No, I find a cold flannel

is, it's not helpful. Frank, you know what I mean. I mean, when you get up there, are you straight out like a shot? Well, I tell you, will you stop it? This is getting like carry on podcast. I'm honestly not doing it on purpose. No, I'm not blaming you.

It's Gareth. It's not my fault. But are you straight out of bed? What I do is my iPhone, which is what I use as an alarm. Is it that one? No, it's the one that sounds a bit like Susie and the Banshees' Hong Kong Garden. I know it well. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

It sounds blah. But I keep it on the bedroom chair, not at my side. You know the bedroom chair? Yes. I have a chair in my bedroom which I personally have never sat on. I have one of those. It's got things like clothes on it and a laptop. There's a laptop on it. I've no idea why. I keep it over there so I have to get out of bed to switch off the alarm and then once you're up, you're up. I'm going to start doing this. I'd recommend that. What about you, Gareth? Do you ever have cause to set the alarm? I do. Well, no, actually at the moment, Ethan does

wake us up. What time does he wake you? So, sort of from about five o'clock, any time after that. Does he have a snooze? He comes in our bed Does he walk? If you had chloroform He does walk though

I thought they were in cages He is in a cot But I have to go and get him Because he cries quite loudly And for a while he likes to cuddle Laura And sort of lies on her head with nappy or without this is not the cat with nappy okay no not the cat um but if you had chloroform by the side of the thing you could you could have a sort of a snooze effect no but once you start using the chloroform there's no going back i think with children you think you

think it's like the invisibility thing, you start... Next minute they're 18, haven't learnt to speak yet. Yeah. It's just very tempting. Well, it's obviously very popular in usage because I seem to meet lots of 18-year-olds that can't really speak yet. But, well, that's a good thing.

So, I'm scratching a lot. You know, it's this talk about nits and things you know when people start talking infestations yeah makes you itchy what else

I read something that mice you know mice shouldn't just be seen as pests because they can have some very useful applications this is a new thing I saw in the new science is this Richard Gere's autobiography no it's um

this guy that was the hamster that wasn't feeling well. This man... That would have been a great excuse. To be cruel, to be kind. Why do you think that hamster wasn't feeling well? I don't know what you're talking about, actually. What are you talking about?

The inventor, Aaron Lambrusso, from Israel... Oh, he invented wine. No, you're thinking of something else. And he has invented a detector for airports, a security detector. I think you'll find there's already one of those. He's wasted a lot of time. No, but there's a new way of detecting things. Detecting, like, guns and things?

Explosives. Explosives and drugs. Mice. So he has, in this archway metal detector thing, he has four cartridges, and each of these cartridges has eight mice. They're like cartridges, right? You're getting Mick Derren Brown. It is, yeah.

This is what he calls them. They're cartridges full of mice. Eight mice. Eight is, yeah. I don't know, this is what he calls them. Okay. They're cartridges full of mice. Cartridges full of mice. Eight mice in each. And what happens is the mice are trained to smell explosives and drugs. Sorry, can I stop you at the mice are trained? Yeah, they train the mice. Which I take issue with.

What does it mean, my cartridges? There's eight mice in a cartridge. I guess sort of like because you need to be able to remove them, because you need to change the mice. Yeah, so I assume they mean like compartments. So it's like battery hens. They're in tiny little cramped compartments. Well, I don't know

how cramped they are. And these, what they do is... You're defending Lambrusco. I think it's an interesting idea. As people walk through, air from the people is pumped over the mice and they smell the people, and then if they smell explosives or drugs, they run away, the mice.

When you say run away, you mean they turn round in the cartridge? Well, there's somewhere for them to go, because what it does is it monitors when they run, and if they all run, then they've detected something. Really? Yeah, but there's a lot of fallibility, I think, here. I mean, just say you had a cheesy Dorito in your pocket. Well, they'd run towards that.

They'd run towards it. Or they would, they'd go crazy with that. Yeah. I've always thought that the working animal, they got a bad break, didn't they? I mean, what a rubbish. To be honest, the great joy of being an animal is that you just sit around and do nothing all day.

And then you see those poor things in, you know, I saw a sniffer dog at an airport. It had a high-vis jacket on. I mean, you know, humiliating. And it was walking on the carousel. So it was walking and not getting anywhere. I don't know if it even knew it was on a carousel. It might have been working out, little treadmill.

It could have possibly been on a... He's on that Charles Atlas diet. Yeah, maybe it was a third world version of the Generation Game. But anyway, he was walking away on this thing. And I just... I don't know, I just thought... I felt sorry for it. I thought, what?

It's got a job an animal doesn't want a job it's like when they make those alsatians jump through the old fire hoops at the police display oh they love that though oh do they yeah how do you know they love that it's a bit like the hamster wasn't feeling well well that's true i'm thinking about now elephant smugglers they detect the mice wouldn't they I would say they'd be scared of the mice it's sort of like the Flintstones you know on the Flintstones when every appliance is run by some sort of animal

yeah where the stylus on the record player was like a bird beak I feel creepy about there being mice there bird beak yeah like that but i feel creepy about there being mice there no i mean there's mice near having to walk through an archway of milling seething with mice what would you what would you have a bit creepy what would i have inside it no what would you have instead i mean you could have instead well you could have a say a chimpanzee that's been cut into a suitcase. There's five holes, one for the head

and then the thing. And you just carry it around like a portable radio set. What do you think? Interesting. Another animal that's got excellent sense of smell is a moth. Get lost. Yeah, moths have excellent sense of smell. They do.

They don't even have a nose. They have an excellent olfactory system. And imagine, you know, just in the airport, they just release moths. But how do the moths tell you? They flutter towards the... They don't have to go towards... But if a light's turned on,

you're going to be in problems, aren't you? The terrorists could just have a candle. I find lights often are turned on in airports. They're not dark. Yeah, that's true. So that's the stupid idea. Or bees. Bees can smell fear. They're not dark. That's true. So that's the stupid idea. Or bees. Bees can smell fear. Oh, that's great in an airport.

A terrorist would be nervous. There's a shortage of bees, isn't it? Bees and moths flying around the airport. I think people have tried... Haven't people tried bees? I like the way, after my optic nerve comment, you all look towards me as the Stephen Fry of the group now. One thing I know.

Well, one thing you made up. No, it's true. You can't see from inside an invisibility cloak. Nobody knows. It's true. Did you do physics at school? No, you did media arts. So be quiet. Did you do media arts? Yeah, that was his degree. I did GCSE.

It's a sort of an invisible degree. So you would know. It's an invisibility cloak for people who want to give people jobs. I don't think the child stars of Harry Potter will need an invisibility cloak for very much longer. I think they'll disappear by the process of nature. I was Ron Weasley! Ron Weasley! Who?

What's a Ron Weasley?