The Frank Skinner Show - The Not The Weekend Podcast - 21 Dec

Episode Date: December 20, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun record their last Not the Weekend podcast for 2011, with chat about festive knitwear, christmas cliches and the scouse brow.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But I've run out of time. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio It's that which we choose to call

Not the Weekend Podcast This is Frank Skinner And I'm with Emily Dean And Alan Cochran And we have our headphones on There's been a kerfuffle about them I'll be straight with you. One smelt of perfume, one smelt of sweat.

Mine is beautiful. But anyway, we're all settled. We have our, let's say, cans on. I'm not really settled, Frank. You're not settled. Well, there's a broken chair in the studio and Alan said, when I said, oh, my chair's broken, in a slightly diva-ish tone, I won't lie,

Alan said, oh, you've got the broken chair this week, as if to indicate it was my turn somehow. There's a broken chair in the studio is the first line of a poem I wrote about Dawn French in 1988. It's a beautiful and mournful piece, but I'm not going to do it now. It's too close to the festive season. It's in the very midst of that. But we're off.

Sorry, Alan, you were going to... I said in it. In it. In the very midst of the festive season. In it? In it. Frank, I'd like to kick off, if I may. What?

Is this about the broken chair? No, that's been done. This is with an email. There's a broken chair in the studio. And a large section of knitwear on the back. Go on. This concerns your personal habits in many respects. I see.

Hi, Frank. I've listened to the podcast from day one. I like a day one person. That's information. It's very difficult to listen to the whole show because I'm at work. Manager at the dry cleaners Frank sends his shirts to. Oh, really? I heard your knitwear dilemma and you should have them dry cleaned,

even if they say wash only. We should point out at this stage, you were saying you don't bother with jumpers because they get bobbly. Well, my view is that a jumper, any sort of knitwear, is beautiful when you purchase it, but one clean. It never comes back to that original thing. Maybe I should point out that if some of you are surprised that I don't know where my shirts are dry cleaned, is in the flats I live in there is a concierge on the front desk. Charming.

And I just give him my dry cleaning and he goes away and then comes back in one of those immensely flimsy, the flimsiest plastic bags you'll ever get in your life. Oh, they're way for thin, those bags. They are so thin. They are like, it's like a spider greenhouse. It's very thin. Have you ever had your car serviced

and you get back and they've left the plastic bag on the chair? Oh, yeah, similar consistency, Frank. It is very... It's like sitting on coffee skin. Yeah. Yeah. And I like it when they put the little piece of paper on the footwell with the footprint in it. Yes, I love all that.

I love post-surface cars. Yeah. They're the best. Sometimes a little plastic on the gear stick I quite like. Oh, I've noticed what I've done. Frank, next... So, yeah, so I'm Sometimes a little plastic on the gear stick I quite like. Oh, I've noticed. Frank, next. So, yeah, so I'm in a position where I can actually, and, you know, I love a bit of French.

I love it when French suddenly interrupts English. I'm in a position where I can leave my fiancé's negligee with a concierge. So, Sean Gallagher, who's the manager I should say of the dry cleaners continues next time you buy one send it in with your shirts for my attention

and I guarantee it will come back like new and feel like it did when you bought it meaning a woolen jumper great and that's from Sean

manager at Buckingham dry cleaners he says give it a try now here's the kicker I won't even charge you for it.

Pow! Now the cock will enjoy that immensely. Well, that's a fabulous offer. But I have to go and buy knitwear now. It's a risk. If Sean says, actually, it hasn't quite come off, the knitwear.

The worst ones are the collared knitwear. The collar never comes down It loses its cut That's a lovely offer though I might well take him up on that I'm probably of an age where I should spread out into knitwear The Titch Martian stage He wears a suit though doesn't he

But like a nice Smedley or something I've got a couple of Smedley cardigans I don't know what a Smedley is It's just a knitwear maker Emily will know, won't you? Oh, yeah. She knows. They're quite dear, but they're nice.

Very fine silk knit, often a V. Yeah. I've got a couple of cardigans. I was thinking a round net with a T-shirt. Yeah. Worst is round net with a collar and tie on the knee, just the heel top. Constricted.

Constricted. I was watching Mark Zuckerberg documentary. Oh, yeah. And he wore a hooded top with a dress shirt underneath yeah I find that strange

I've tried it a couple of times since I'm always looking for a fashion guru and Zuckerberg is yours what with Zuckerberg

Zuckerberg's a cool dude isn't he this is the man invented Facebook in case you don't know and I had a man crush on the man who played him

in the movie i'm not sure jesse eisenberg is he's surely he's the coolest dude he's an uncool dude and he's a he's a nerd isn't he he's a famous nerd yeah but he's kind of uh he's so uncool he's cool if you receive my meaning anyway i tried it and i just looked like some stupid old dad who didn't know you couldn't wear um a shirt underneath a hooded top so that's that experiment abandoned what a lovely um what a lovely door that's open to knitwear yeah i don't even dry clean shirts though i suppose if your concierge is going to take it there for you then that's it's very easy but why don't you just stick them in the washing machine and dry them on a hanger? Why don't you?

I mean, what would I get? I would maybe dry clean a suit. I've got a suit that needs a wash. Maybe dry clean a suit? What do you say, maybe? Does that mean you might put a suit in a washing machine? He gets the stones out in the brook. What I mean is that I've never had a suit that I've taken to the dry...

I've got one suit that's probably...'s probably a bit manky, I think. How long have you had it? I don't know, a year or something? A bit more than a year. It could probably stand the dry clean. Two years and it hasn't been dry cleaned. It's not been worn every day. It's worn by itself.

I'm not an office or anything. No, no, I understand that. It'll be bogging, probably. You're right. You're right. I probably don't need... It's probably extravagant. Is it? But, you know, it does're right, I probably don't need, it's probably extravagant. Is it?

But you know, it does say dry clean only on those shirts. On those shirts? Shirts that are dry clean only? Yes! Are they silk or something? They're, um, crushed velvet most of them. Is this the Elvis shirt? And they don't, um, they don't have, uh, bottoms, they have a laced

neck, you know, a shoelaced neck, like the Lone Ranger. Oh, it's an oil baron's ball in Dallas. I like that. Yeah, that kind of feel. But that's a lovely offer, and I might well take Sean up on it. OK. And there's a knock-on effect for the dry cleaners of Manchester.

I might put my suit in, even though I'll have to pay. I'll have to pay the bill. Yeah. So, you know. Don't you try and get a freebie from Sean Gallagher of Buckingham dry cleaners that's not pushy we're Buckingham I think Richard III said that

I'm fond of a jumper actually though Frank I know that I imagine you use them like disposable contact lenses you wear them and then just throw them away like he did he would train this despise a new pair every day is that correct never wear it never buys them twice yeah david beckham one of the footballers that wears brand new football boots all the time yes but he must get so many free ones yeah yeah i think he's got like a garage that they're all locked up in somewhere.

Shouldn't they all be going to charity or something of that nature? I think some of them go, but yeah. Yeah, you see, well, this year, it's kind of, I call it Alpine Chic, to give it its proper name. Okay. And you've probably seen it, Frank. It's very sort of off-piste loungewear. So there'll be a...

No, this is true. Yes. There might be a woolen pit bull or a reindeer of some sort. Have you seen these? A pit bull? Yes. Jumpers. Seems very appropriate.

Devil dog on a Christmas sweater. Or maybe I'm getting my dogs mixed up. What's the one you used to have in Birmingham? A staffy. Oh, yeah, maybe it's a Staffy. I think what I've seen is an English bull, which is the one with a head like a... You're right, Frank.

It's got a head like a milk carton. I'm sorry for suggesting that a pit bull would have been fashioned in wool. No, that would... Yeah, because, I mean, the sort of people who keep pit bulls are not the sort of people who wear knitwear. They're the sort of people that win red or black, let's be honest. Even if they win it. No, they're the sort of people that wear basically sportswear around the streets.

Baseball caps. Three-quarter length tracksuit. Oh, yeah. Anyway, yeah, I've seen them around. I'm never quite sure about the festive jumper. Really? I'm not sure either. You know, you see people with the Christmas pudding on the jumper and stuff.

There's a hint of, you know, it's like when I see people with the green nylon wig on Children in Need night. I know what you're trying to do. Yes. But stay away from me. And also, I think one of the few times I ever naturally and unironically make that Homer Simpson noise of, doh, is when I get to, just coming up to New Year

and I realise I've forgotten to wear my Christmas socks and I'm going to have to wait another year for that to come round. That's a pet hate of mine. I have one pair of Christmas socks. You see... Snow scene. Oh. With Disney character, I can't remember which one. He is. Snow scene?

Yeah. On the socks. Very intricate for a sock. I don't want to throw a spanner in the works but why can't you just chop them on at any time of year? Nobody's... What? Nobody's caring, are they? No, I couldn't do that. You know, on Saturday show I was talking about personal rules.

I couldn't wear Christmas-themed clothing, even underwear, when it isn't Christmas. I feel like a charlatan. I think I could. That's like wearing Wednesday knickers on a Friday. I could do that too. I can wear odd socks some days. I'm not saying I've never done it, but... Sometimes I just pop odd socks on. I get do that too. I can wear odd socks some days. I'm not saying I've never done it. Sometimes I just pop odd socks on.

I get angry when I see a child with the wrong bib. You know, a Tuesday bib on a Saturday. If you're going to buy those bibs, why not keep it? And non-matching bra and knickers. Yeah, I think that's alright, say, six

months into a relationship. But when it's the first night and it's non-matching, you think, well, if months into a relationship. But when it's the first night and it's not matching, you think, well, if you don't care, you don't care. Yeah, because a matching bra and knickers is a thing of great beauty, I think. Oh, yeah. Because you think, oh, that's the end of that material. Oh, no, here it comes again. If you're panning down or up.

Like a reprise. Yeah, it's lovely. I love the fact that someone's taken the trouble to put both on. Smashing. It's good to know. Not for me personally, I understand. No, no, but you know, I think we can all learn from that. If I wore any sort of...

If I often wore a singlet, I'd try and match them up. Yeah. I did have an all-in-one. I had a boxer vest all-in-one. Like a child's baby girl with a clasp underneath. I'm thinking more Victorian Strongman. No, it was more Victorian on beach. Oh, yeah.

So if you can imagine a pair of hooped boxer shorts with a normal button front, and then they just carry on into a vest. So you didn't need elastication, So if you can imagine a pair of hooped boxer shorts with a normal button front. Yes. And then they just carry on into a vest. So you didn't need elastication because they were being held up by your shoulder straps. Nice. Nice. You could wear that and then your onesie that you wore on Opinionated,

you'd be as snug as a bug in a rug, wouldn't you? Exactly. Yeah, I don't know what happened to those complete... It was the closest I've ever been to a teddy. Anyway, yeah. What else do they... What is the other name for those all-in-ones that women wear? What, the onesies?

No, the ones that is like a vest and pants all-in-one. There's a teddy and then there's another. Yes, I think there is something. It'll come to me. Like a body, no. Body, maybe that's it. Body, mm. It's not a chemise, that's something else, isn't it?

No, no, something else entirely. OK. But I do think with knitwear, you've got to tread... It's a bit of French. I knew it wasn't a chemise, I just wanted to say it. Yeah. Yes, exactly. I knew what you were up to.

You've got to tread a careful line with knitwear, though. As a man, women look great, I think, on the whole. Well, great women look great in anything. As we've seen, you can put a supermodel... You watch an avant-garde fashion show, you see a supermodel come down wearing a horse carcass and look great. But I think for anyone who isn't, you know,

stunningly spot on, you've got to be careful. That is my bugbear with this, especially when you see it in the papers and it's all people that are super attractive anyway wearing a Christmas pudding jumper and you go, well, yeah, you can carry it off. Yeah, Fern Cotton, for example. Of course she's going to look nice in anything, Fern Cotton. But actually...

Fern Britain, that's a test. Yeah. Have you got a Christmas one? Well, no, it's called intarsia, actually, that form of knitting, just so you're aware. Is it really? Well, there are different forms, because there's the cable knit, which you're all familiar with,

if you've encountered any sort of fisherman. Intarsia? Yeah, intarsia is specifically, it's knitting in colour blocks like that, like your pudding or your reindeer. I remember my auntie Lorna used to, she did a lovely, she did me a cardigan

with not one, but two vintage cars. Wow. And they were, I mean, it's a work of art. That's a time commitment that she spent on it. She loved it. That was real good. She loved it. Intarsia.

I'm going to use that again. That's a brilliant one. Oh, I know you will. You're already throwing chamois around like it's an old friend. Well, I've thrown chamois around in the past. Why stop? They were good, those three line years. past. Why stop? They were good, those three line years.

One of the Christmas... My favourite Christmas garb, I think what I look best in, is the paper hat at Christmas dinner. No, I honestly think... I don't think you look good in that. I do. I like the idea you think you suit them. No, I do.

That's great. I do. You don't. I honestly do. I'm a man who struggles with a hat, as you know, because I have... You don't like a normal hat, do you think you suit them? No, I do. That's great. I do. I honestly do. I'm a man who struggles with a hat. You don't like a normal hat, do you? But it turns out a paper. No, it's because I've got a big head. A paper crown. He's a lovely head he's got. He's got a hat on you.

But there's a bit of room in a paper crown. And I like it. You don't feel hemmed in. Do you know what I mean? Because it's nice clear back to it, the seam. It's all there. And I honestly, seriously, I have? Because it's nice, clear back to it, the seam. It's all there. And I, honestly, seriously, I have looked in the mirror now, before now, and thought, hey, that's the hat for me.

I really suit this. He's missed his calling, medieval king. Yeah, but they've never... Obviously, it's not a heavy-duty material, the cracker hat. Do you don't find it slips down? No, it fits, No, my head. No chance. It's round by my ankles

by the end of the Christmas lunch. I find if I get the option, I'll go for lemon. Some people go for red, but... You like a lemon? It goes in my teeth. But if I could get a lemon... It's always orange. If I could get a lemon crown of that design, but say, in a heavy duty, say a leather. If I could get a lemon... It's always orange. If I could get a lemon crown of that design,

but say, you know, in a heavy duty, say a leather. If I could get a leather... Yellow leather crown, I'd wear that all the year round. You might have to go to folk festivals to find such a thing. I've never seen it, but I'd look... You see, I find the consistency troubling. It's a bit fortune-telling fish, I find

the consistency of the crown. Yeah, but if it's the yellow leather, that wouldn't have occurred. Oh, a yellow leather Christmas hat, Frank, it's disgusting. Also, with the potbelly I'm getting now, if I was naked in just the hat, I'd look like the Premiership trophy. No, but I would wear that.

It's a really nice, It's a nice hat. I love the idea of everyone putting their crackers, putting their hats on, Frank getting out to specially customize. No, I'm sorry. I've brought my own and then putting on the leather. The leather crowd.

And obviously I'd Scotchgard it in case we went for a walk in the snow. Yeah. No, I'm surprised those hats, they seem to go unnoticed, you know. What do you mean, you're surprised? Well, no-one ever says. What do you think people are going, hey, I must wear this out on Saturday night?

No-one ever says. Well, you look, that really suits you, that... Because they're disgusting. They are meant to be... Because of tissue paper. They're meant to be popped on in in a sort of obligatory way. That might have been the intention, but many of the great inventions have happened accidentally.

I just find everyone looks a bit Christmas at the Gold Star Retirement Home. Well, it's a great leveller. The paper cranks. Suddenly we're all the same people, do you know what I mean? Like the tuxedo. Except for you in a leather one. Well, that's it. I've got to put

my head above the crowd, as it were. Anyway, I'm definitely biased. If there's anyone listening if there's any tanners listening I don't know if we can, I don't know how many tanners we get. There's a lot of research done at Absolute Radio on audience profile. I don't think

I've seen tanner as a category. When you say there's a lot of research done, we occasionally flick through the texts and emails that we've had and people tell us about their weird jobs. No, but I mean Absolute as an organisation. Oh, I thought you meant here, right now. We know the average listener is a 38-year-old male in a black T-shirt. Oh, yeah.

With Whitesnake on it. Except for Absolute 1910s, they've got a different demographic. Yeah, me. The tanners. And just me. Yeah, so, yeah, that's the average. So, yeah, but tanners, I don't know how many tanners we get. It's not the sort of thing your modern marketing man is interested in,

you know, the old dying crafts. No. But if there are any tanners listening, you know, the old dying crafts. No. But if there are any towners listening, you know, I'm not trying to get a freebie. I'm happy to talk cash for the leather crown. I have some questions for Emily this week. As you may have spotted, I have returned to a bearded version of Alan Cochran for a while

we've spotted that I said as you may have because it's quite blonde in places so I thought you might just not have noticed I rather like it I was thinking of the listeners unless they've heard anything if they've heard scraping against the foam

the foam cover that we have it's a very sensitive microphone but on the subject of facial hair The foam. The foam cover that we have. It's a very sensitive microphone. It is, yeah. But on the subject of facial hair, I saw a thing this week about Kate Middleton having a new scouse brow. I didn't fully understand what it was. It's thicker eyebrows, is it? Oh, the scouse brow, yes.

Is it thicker eyebrows? Are you familiar with this, Frank? Isn't it just like women putting a bit of something on their eyebrows to make them look darker? Very technical explanation. I'll try and simplify it for everyone. Essentially, the Scouse brow, it's, as you would imagine, started in Scouse, more commonly known as Liverpool.

But no, the ladies there do tend to favour Frank. It is a very heavy black line, sometimes tattooed on. Colleen Rooney has one. Tattooed? They tattoo it on. The trouble is, with the tattoo, it fades and goes a bit purple. And then they have to keep pencilling it in black. They like that sort of slightly heavy

pete burns look it's a very theatrical over made up george robey oh so george robey the old the man known as the uh prime minister of mirth it was an old comic he used to really thicken his um with that with um black stuff and have massive thing and i think the theory was that, you know, in the cheap seats, you could still see all his facial expressions. He didn't look quite like an eyebrow. Yeah. So I don't know if that is... Well, maybe that's what Alex Curran's thinking in the cheap seats.

But Alex Curran, all the wags have it, Frank. And, yeah, so now Kate Middleton, I mean, it's hardly a scouse brow she's got. She has thickened her brows. It does define your face a bit. Often if you're looking at a celebrity lady and she hasn't had work, and you think, what's she done to her face to make her look different? That's what she's done.

It's the brows. It totally changes the shape of your face. We should just say to the listener, when you say she hasn't had work, you don't mean employment, you mean plastic surgery. No, exactly. I think we can all safely say that Kate Middleton hasn't had work and never will again. No, exactly. I think we can all safely say that Kate Middleton hasn't had work and never will again.

Kindly temper your hilarity with a modicum of reserve. That was one of George Ralby's catchphrases. Is that true? He should have said that to his make-up artist. Where do you two stand on the Scouse brow? On a strong brow on a woman, or do you like a wispy affair i kind of i i used to like those sort of uh 70s you still see them on sort of uh women in their sort of 40s in the in birmingham when they've basically shaved a whole lot off and i got a tiny thin almost painted in tiny bit yeah and i like something like something, there's something Star Trek

The Next Generation about it. There definitely is, yeah. But that's quite sexy, but it can, I'm not anti a heavy brow. Do they shave them off? When they take the eyebrows off, they're not shaving them off. Well, maybe they pluck, I guess they're plucking them, yeah. Yeah, they've been threaded or plucked

and often what happens, but when they're tattooed on sometimes, they've got rid of them entirely, Frank. Yeah. Of course that does save a bit of time, doesn't it? I don't think time is an issue with a wag. I think it's just more the look. It's not a labour-saving device. I was wondering

if, because I mean it's a cliché, I think you'll agree it's a cliché for a middle-aged man to talk about his nose hair growing, I mean, it's a cliché. I think you'll agree it's a cliché for a middle-aged man to talk about his nose hair growing. But mine has flourished. It's gathered a piece. It's lustrous. Is it?

And I reckon if I didn't touch it at all, I could grow it three or four inches. I could comb it into a moustache. That would be great. Like a Robert McGarvey fulcrum. I mean, a fort. I could comb it, just part it in the middle. As it comes down the nostrils, separate them out.

And I could grow. I could go all the way down to a Viva Zapata. Wow. Moustache, just a nose hair. November 2012, this could be the challenge. But what I think would be brilliant, if you comb your nose hair down into a tash, a distinctive tash, then you could go and commit some sort of crime.

Oh, yeah. Go into a bank. Then walk out and go, moustache disappears up the nostrils. You're just an innocent man walking past. It could be one of the great... Who needs the witness protection programme? When you've got long nose hair. That's what I say.

I have a thing where my eyebrows seem to be growing and every now and again I'll feel like I've ruffled them and I can just see out the top of my eye like a bit of hair in my peripheral vision. Well, you've got folds as well. I've got folds? Yeah. Oh, what, where my eyes are folding in on themselves?

What are they called again? Epicanthic. He's got the epicanthics, Frank. Yes. I'm not sure that's what we're on about, but it's really weird just being in... No, it is. That will affect the line of the brow.

No. Because they will descend with age. You're saying this with such authority that I can't help but think it's nonsense. I don't know why. No, but it's off-putting when you can see something out of you the corner of you i sometimes i sometimes i get a hair that grows at the very where my the top of

my nose meets my forehead yeah i get a hair that grows out there you can get three inches long and honestly it can really long and i'll see i'll think oh there's a hair on my face. I'm thinking it's come from my head. And I go to brush it away and it's growing. That's disgusting. You don't notice it until it's at three inches. Two and a half is barely affecting my day. I can see it. It's as if there's a very tiny angler sitting on top of my head.

And I can see it out ahead of me, yeah. Maybe you need it. Maybe it's like like a cat like a cat's whiskers to judge distance you snip it and then find yourself walking into doors no i i pluck it and then suddenly i'm not i'm not i'm not motivated in my work anymore and then it's the carrot i had on the end i could easily put a carrot on the end of it. Take it. It's strong. It's sturdy. I reckon I could put a ukulele string. It would hold for two days, this ukulele string. Yeah, and where that one comes from, you know, it's...

And just one as well. It's a lone warrior. I don't... No tofting. There's no tofting. Don't think that for a second. No. I like that thing that if you're in the

armed forces, you have to ask for permission to grow a beard. Do you? Yeah, you can't just go, and then you get to your sergeant major or whoever and say, permission to grow a beard, sir, the army, sir. Something, although we all respect our

heroes and boys, there's something ridiculous about the armed forces. I thought facial hair was banned in the army. Something, although we all respect our heroes and boys, there's something ridiculous about the army force. I thought facial hair was banned in the army. No, no, if you ask permission. And there's also the pioneer sergeant, who I believe is in the Navy, and he's like a carpenter person on board the ship. And he can grow on, doesn't have to ask. He's the one person who doesn't have to ask.

Oh, he's allowed. He's got one person who doesn't have to ask. He's allowed. He's got special rights. Yeah, Pioneer Sergeant. But it certainly used to be true. I don't know if it's still true. But, yeah, you have to ask. You know, permission to grow beards, sir. And he has a look at you to see if he thinks you're going to grow a decent beard

because they don't want a wispy, rubbish beard. No, any beard on there. Yeah. So me, I'd probably be refused permission to to grow have you ever had a full beard well when i was drinking a lot i a beard emerged but it wasn't really a decision i just i i did i was too drunk to shave really it's as simple as that and that beard popular song isn't it too drunk to shave yeah and uh i i've never understood people who have a beard and then they trim and still shave, basically,

like the Noel Edmonds beard. If I'm not going to shave, I just want to let it grow. But my goodness, it was ginger. Well, I was talking to somebody the other day and said, oh, I feel a bit embarrassed because the beard is ginger, and she said all men think their beard is more ginger than it is, which is now one of those things that I think, hang on, that might well have some truth in it.

Your beard isn't ginger anyway. Well, in that case, she's right. Can I say, I quite like Cockrell with that beard. Do you really? It's getting a little bit Henry VIII for me. It is. Frank's not sure. I really like him. I'm not sure about beards in him. I'm not sure about beers in general.

I know a woman whose dad he doesn't shave on a match day. So if he goes to a football match he doesn't shave so he looks a bit more, you know, one of the lads. People get very touchy about the whole facial. It's okay but I'm not sure about it. You don't look

so clean with it, you know what I mean? I'm not sure it'll last. No. Don't let me it'll last. No. Don't let me put you off, though. No, it's about eight quid for more of those razor blades, and I just... I just feel like they should be cheaper. I knew there'd be a financial incentive rustling around in there. It's not even that.

It's partly boredom, and partly everyone started talking to me about, have I had a beard in November, when Movember was on? And then I just thought, actually, I haven't had a beard for a while and then partly it was that if I haven't got a razor blade and it's a trip to the shops and you go for a razor blade?

you know for razor blades to replace the old Gillette things whatever they are the cartridgey things not the sort of things that ponks used to have not those razor blades I don't know if you can still get them, even. What, cutthroat razors? No, those like little

rectangular ones with the, you know, that you used to put in a T-bar. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all gone very technical now. I'm sure you can still get them, but no, I just didn't have any blades, and before you know it, boom, stubble has become beard. It has become beard. It's given you a certain look. You look like you could

play Ocarina in Mumford and Sons. Oh, OK. I'll take that. I don't know if that's... I'll take that, if you say. I'll take that. I'll take that. A bit Garibaldi, is that what you're saying? But, of course, it's that time of the year for a... I reckon I could... If I just let it go now,

I reckon by next Christmas I would have a massive white beard like Santa. That'd be good. That'd be good. Yeah? That'd be great. A bit of extra work. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You see, I'm... Are you looking forward to Christmas? Because I'm quite excited, but there's one thing which is...

It's putting a slight Andrew Marr on proceedings, I think. Oh, really? Which is, I'm getting rather fed up with what I call a Christmas cliché. Oh, OK. I don't like... It's often in journalism. So, for example, it's just lazy. So I was reading a piece the other day and it said,

when you're watching the Queen's speech, watch out for great old Aunt Edna snoring on the sofa. Who has anyone called Edna in their family? Or a great aunt. I don't even know what a great aunt is anymore. It really annoyed me. Aunts aren't called that and they're not called Edna now. No.

And they're not Edwardian. You're right, it's a lie. Great aunts in certain areas of northern England are probably called Sharon or Kylie now. Or Emily. That's true. Yeah, Emily, nice. And another thing that irritates me,

I love talking about things that irritate me, but another thing that irritates me is I saw another piece, similar piece of lazy crass journalism. Oh dear. Which said, mind you don't get caught with Colin from Accounts in the stationery cupboard. Now firstly, people aren't called Colin anymore. Secondly, it's not

Accounts. It was renamed Finance in about 2000. Was it? I didn't know that. I'm going to write that down. Thirdly, there is not an entire in about 2000. Was it? I didn't know that. I'm going to write that down. No one calls it accounts anymore. Okay. Thirdly, there is not an entire room devoted to stationery these days. People are very short on space now on this planet

and they tend to load stationery on a shelf. They don't devote an entire room to it. I like your devotion to fact. It's great. What I like is that at your work they have a stationary cupboard and a beauty closet.

Is there a beauty cupboard? You've got to get your priorities right. That's great. I know what you mean. People do... They fall back on cliche. I know. On Boxing Day I'll be going to see, if the good lords win and the creaks don't rise, I'll be going to

see West Brom play Man City at the Hawthorns. And I know at some point an Albion player won't make it to a tackle, won't make it to a through ball, and someone will say, oh, he had a bit too much Christmas pudding yesterday. And I think as a professional athlete, do you think he's going to sacrifice his performance

in quite an important match for extra dessert? That's what I want to say. Biggie pudding. But people want you to join in. do you think he's going to sacrifice his performance in quite an important match for extra dessert? That's what I want to say, but people want you to join in a bit more like that. But the thrill of pulling people up on what is a lie, however you dress it up, you might say it's just bad, it's a lie. I urge you all

when you get back to work to say to that bloke you work with, so which James Bond film did you finally watch on Christmas Day? No. No, I thought not. Don't overdose on turkey sandwiches. Oh, I hate that as well. Who actually has that? Me.

Oh, of course he does. Oh, actually, and me. And also that thing about a dog being for life. You're lucky. You're lucky, especially with the inbreeding caused by the rabies problem in the 1970s. If you can get ten years out of a dog nowadays, it's a good go.

There's children thinking, oh, for life, brilliant. Where's Rover? Rover? Fenton? Fenton, more like. That's not allowing for the roadkill aspect to keep you pet. I've spotted a non-Christmas cliché, but a winter cliché. I've got a pair of brown leather gloves,

and every winter, when you start wearing them, before it's properly cold, people go, got your murderer's gloves on, I see, and that's quite a well-known one. Oh, I've never heard that one. Yeah, I kill those people. They are murderers. Are they covered in blood?

Yeah. No, I've never heard the old festive murderous gloves. You know when you shake hands with somebody and you've got leather gloves on, they nearly always go, oh, you've got murderous gloves on. Or you do it yourself. You sort of go, forgive the murderous gloves on or you have to or you do it yourself you sort of go forgive the murderous gloves no just me on this just me and emily it seems no well i um

i don't have any leather gloves i'll be honest with you i have we have a lot of sparrowhawks our way and um i don't want them to mistake and come and think it's a gauntlet. If you get one of them on your wrist and you're not expecting it, it'll frighten the hell out of you. And also I have a nervous habit of swinging bacon on a string. That can be a confusing message for them. Anyway, Merry Christmas. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.