The Frank Skinner Show - The Old Mattress

Episode Date: February 10, 2024

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Emily is in the host seat and is joined by Pierre and Steve Hall. The team discuss a volcanic eruption, the matchstick Eiffel Tower and Steve's worst night sleep.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. You are listening to The Frank Skinner Show. I've got to be honest, I'm not Frank Skinner. Trust me, I wish I was. I've seen the size of his house. Frank can't be with us today, which is sad, isn't it, boys? Hello! Yes, yes. Hello! Hello! isn't it boys? Hello? Yes, yes. Hello?

I thought we were allowing the pause to generate a little bit of naughty laughter. No. Yes, or a somberness. Well, he will be sorely missed. The good news is I'm joined by I feel a pressure now to give you a big intro.

What about what John Travolta did? The wickedly talented The wickedly talented... The wickedly talented... Adele Dazeem. Yeah, Navelli. And Steve Hall. Good morning. Good morning.

Did I leave you out a bit there, Steve? No, no. OK. No more than, you know, I'm used to in life. What a start to the show. You can text the show on 8-12-15. You can follow us on X and Instagram. Follow us on X.

Sounds really creepy still. At Frank on the radio. Or you can email us via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I still feel really bad about the beginning of the show. Shall I move on from it? It was just the most unprofessional start to a radio show in the history of broadcasting. I went, hello, that was...

Use somebody. Who's it by? Give me the paper. I think that's when you're living the phrase, I could use somebody. I could use somebody to give me the name of the song. I haven't played jingles for you today. Do you know why?

No. OK, I'll tell you. My hand hovered briefly over the boys are back in town. And then, as it does, and then I decided that's not your energy. No, that's true. It's just, the boys are back in town. It's a bit sort of testosterone-fuelled revelry.

And you boys are a bit lower seat of the bus. It's insufficiently bookish. The boys are back in the library. The boys are back in the Bodleian. Or Loser by Beck or something like that. How do you feel about that, Pierre? I'm happy with that. Or some Divine Comedy or something like that. How do you feel about that, Pierre? I'm happy with that. Or Divine Comedy or something like that.

Twinkle, twinkle little star. A bit creepy. No, I have to say, I think the boys who are back in town, I think they would assess you both and think, I think they'd probably say Swallowed Dictionary to you both. Yeah, I think the boys who are back in town have toothpicks and they lean against walls.

And leather chiquitos. We need to discuss something. Frank's not here this week and very sad because we miss Frank and we love him. He's fine, by the way, making it sound like. He's absolutely fine. But he has his show started this

week at the gilgud his two-week run at the gilgud this is 30 years of dirt feature feet mr yes true brackets feet me yeah and it's had quite some reviews hasn't it yeah five stars fabulous yes it's not often a comic says that about another comic that's very generous but some of them i've been slightly obsessed with the refuse so here's here's a few choice samples it turns out boys that we are working with a man, I quote, so funny it's almost obscene. What do you think of that? Almost obscene. Almost obscene.

Oh, I knew you. See, this is what I thought. I read that and thought, wow, I'm so proud of him. Frank will be sitting at home thinking, only almost. Yeah. It's also, are they just trying to be clever about 30 Years of Dirt? Yeah, I presume not to play on that. I know.

Unless his act has changed rapidly. Yeah. There's also a number two review that I'm going to share with you. Our boss is also apparently a craftsman with exquisite control of his art. What do you think of that? I like it. It's a bit medieval guildsman. Yes. The craftsman.

Yes, it's quite, it's pleasingly wizard-like. It's like someone's describing a sort of warlock. And then finally, someone else said of him, wields the scalpel as masterfully as the bludgeon.

Now I think they've gone full on Sweeney Todd now. That's very nice. That's a really nice review. Again, potentially chilling. Yeah, it's a terrible review of a doctor. It's the sort of thing someone would say about like Otto von Bismarck or something. Or like Napoleon. It's very sort of statesman

of the 19th century. I liked it. I have to say, I was, I know we don't do praise on this show, but I'm going to make an exception because I was really stupidly proud of him reading those reviews

and contracts are up quite soon. Yeah. And that covers it. I think that's alright, isn't it? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've, on the subject of reviews, we've had Simon of Sudbury has been in touch, long-standing friend of the show. Oh, morning, Simon. And he said that he and the missus saw Frank and Pierre, a.k.a. Piano Billy, at the Gilded on Tuesday. Expectations were already sky high and well and truly exceeded. Great night. It's very nice.

Do you think Frank's going to be cross with turning it into a praise fest? Yes. I'm going to sneak in with turning it into a praise fest? Yes I'm going to sneak in one bit of praise Early doors Piano Billy Did it go well though? Good opening night? Very good

It was a hell of a reaction From the crowd When Frank went out What did they do? Did they cheer? They certainly did Throwing poetry at the stage when Frank went out. What did they do? Did they cheer? They certainly did. Oh, lovely. Throwing poetry at the stage.

Ah, Keats! Yeah. No, it was just when you get that big shout of... Well, no, it's never happened to me. Well, when one hears. Oh! When you hear about it. Well, I'm coming to see it myself. Yeah, I saw it in September

and it was really good stuff. I love a well-crafted... My old sketch show, we once described... I thought you were going to say, I love a well-crafted man with exquisite control. Well, naturally, that's a given. But me and my sketch show, we were described as visually pitiful genius fools.

Which I... If ever there is a backhanded compliment. That's not a compliment sandwich, is it? That's a wonderful and visually pitiful. I think it's just a straightforward backhand. There's no compliment in there. They've lost the compliment element.

Boys, I want to talk to you about something. I had a bit of an extraordinary WhatsApp message this week. The content will get better. No, this was something, because I'm a bit of a WhatsApp group refuse, Nick. Do you know this about me? You're a conscientious objector.

Well, I'm not even particularly conscientious about it. Groucho Marx, I don't want to be part of any WhatsApp group that would have me as a member. Yeah, do you know what I don't like? I don't like the element of surveillance. I don't like the fact that every time I pick it up, it's seen 1232, read

1943, and I just think, well, this is like the Bourne identity. I've been permanently watched, and I don't think it's natural for like the Bourne identity. I've been permanently watched, and I don't think it's natural for people to know my movements. No. If that makes sense. It does, yes.

I don't like it. Go away. How can I lie to people and say, oh, I didn't see your message, my phone was switched off, if they're going to be telling them the truth? That's true, and it even says when you're online. Yeah. Oh, don't.

That's a whole other thing. So I've never really liked it. I also don't like the fact that you're sort of pressured to reply in these short form, snappy, coolio, Gen Z sound bites. Because I'm a, you know, dear sirs, return, carriage, return. You don't get that with letters. No. When someone's opened it and read it.

They don't fire a gun in the air. And I send... You just open a letter and it's just a picture of a thumbs up. I send quite blocky, large sections of text. I send missives. And I know that everyone on these WhatsApp group is looking at mine, my big block,

my big skyscraper, thinking, okay, boomer. Yeah, taking up half the screen. That would be an excellent app for old-fashioned people, and the app is called Missives. Sorry, Steve, just for old-fashioned people. You were just talking about me. For old-fashioned people. You were just talking about me.

I'm including myself. You said four old-fashioned people, just to recap. Yeah, I think if I speak any further, the hole I'm digging will get deeper. But yeah, old-fashioned in the good sense. No, that doesn't sound any better. Yeah, do you think we should close the hole briefly? We're the top hauler. We'll cover it up. We'll revisit it. OK. Yeah, do you think we should close the hole briefly? With a tarpaulin.

We'll cover it up. We'll revisit it. Okay, okay. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Take your time, Red Hawk Chili Peppers. That's under the bridge. Going out to all you trolls out there. I original trolls.

OG trolls. Trad trolls. OG trolls. Trad trolls. I'd buy those dolls. Trad trolls. A trad troll. Yeah. Do you think trolls have to say,

sorry, just so you know, I'm the original troll. I'm the benign troll. Yeah, I'm off grid. I'm offline. I'm a troll IRL. How many types of troll are there? 8, 12, 15. David, but he can help offline. I'm a troll IRL. How many types of troll are there? Eight, twelve, fifteen? David, but he can help us. He did a show about this.

Because I'm confused, Pierre. You'll know about this. There's trolls with the sort of wild hair and no clothes. The pencil trolls. Yeah, and strange goggle eyes. Yes. Are they connected with the ones that live under the bridge? I think they might be distant cousins.

I'm not sure. I think the ones under the bridge tend to look more like gobliny, don't they? Big and green and loincloth features. They're furious at those sell-out pencil trolls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you've cleaned up your act for the big time, have you? Too big to live under a bridge, now you live on top of a pencil. Ooh, literary, are we?

Yes, they're the flashy ones, aren't they? Yeah. The nouveau riche trolls. Well, yeah. And they've generally got that, there's something about Mary hair going on as well. Yes, and bright colours too. Not like under the bridge. No. You can't have hair dye. They barely have a loincloth to their name.

No. Those trolls. You have to look like mould so that the goats don't see you. Yeah. Anyway, I was talking to you about WhatsApp earlier, and I think we left things at the point where Steve said something like, for old-fashioned people like you. Yes. Was that where we were?

Yes. I don't remember saying that. Steve said something like, you know, for pensioners like you, you've got to have a phone with one big button labelled police. So you know health is on its way. Oh, that ship has sailed, my friend. Just next to the sideways opening bath. Yes.

Frank, come back. They're age-shaming me. Yeah, so the WhatsApp. Now I've said the WhatsApp. Yes. So really, I have no right to complain. I deserve everything I get. Yeah, so I'm not a fan, we've established already,

of the WhatsApp at all. However, there are some, there are a few groups I'll make a concession for for example i have a lovely family whatsapp group with my um best friend and her husband and he's also my best friend i want to make him sound like some consolation prize and my three god. And it's lovely updates, and it feels like a benign, calm, safe space. The Gen Zers will like that. I'll pull them in, do you think? So, this week, howevs, I get a message.

I wake up to a message, and this is from my friend. This is what I wake up to. is from my friend this is what i wake up to she basically says to me uh i'm i'm looking for this message i'm sorry can you talk amongst yourselves while i find it i think the um what's your favorite trial steve there's a brilliant that film called i think it's called troll yeah but it's like the big 3d horror yeah thing. Yeah. Okay, I found it. I found it. I found it now. I'm back. Right. I mean, that's not really helped with the old-fashioned...

LAUGHTER Hello? Are the police on their way? Just got to look through my purse. There's a boiled sweet in here. Excuse me, I'll just be a moment. If you could leave me and talk amongst yourselves. I'm struggling with the technology. Are you really from the gas board?

Oh, no. I literally did just say, could you just bear with me while I look through my phone, dear? My eyes aren't what they were. Anyway, I've located the message. OK, so that shows you. And she starts this, this way. Hello, lovely fam.

Having a gorgeous time here at the Blue Lagoon in Iceland. Oh. Such bad luck, though. The volcano erupted. Open mouth emoji. I'm like, what? is there a volcano emoji then well I should be now then I get a message saying here is the view from our cab pink heart emoji I see I get sent a photo I literally thought it was a screen grab from a sort of 70s disaster movie.

There was literally a windscreen filled with a giant flaming crescent of molten lava and their cab is heading straight towards it, apparently. And I'm thinking, I don't know much about volcanic eruptions. This is why we have Pierre on board. Or Icelandic cab drivers. But something tells me that heading straight towards anything orange-coloured when you've heard there's a volcanic eruption might not be a good idea.

What are you thinking? I think thumbs down. OK. Thumbs down emoji. Well, funnilyily enough that was the emoji i responded with frank skinner on absolute radio we are discussing a whatsapp message i was sent by my best friend this week but it wasn't just any old whatsapp message i might ask her if she'll be comfortable for me to share this with the world it was a photo taken by her in a cab escaping the volcanic eruption in iceland when i say escaping she seemed to be heading directly towards it and i panicked when i saw this apocalyptic disaster movie image and I called

her because I don't think that's the kind of message I want to send on WhatsApp are you alive are you in lava currently voice note how have you got the time to put emojis in this message what's the best gif for lava by the time I found the GIF, I mean, who knows what could have happened. So I got straight on the phone. I thought, do you know what? I know it's expensive, but I'm going to go for it. And I just called her and I said, look, is everything all right? She said, oh, it's fine.

They've been lovely. We've had a lovely Icelandic cab driver and he's been playing Tina Turner. I said, what? On the radio? I said, what? On the radio? I said, what song? I don't know why. Yeah, which one? I don't know why it's relevant,

but I needed to know that detail. Steamy windows. She said, I think it was Thunderdome. Yeah, that would be good. I said, I wonder if he did that for the drama. You can't play Nutbush as you're driving away from a volcanic eruption. What song would be most appropriate to listen to

with a volcano erupting in the background? Tina Turner only? 8, 12, 15. The Heat Is On or some sort of heat-related. What's Iceland as well? So there's a lot of death metal to choose from, I presume. Can we say at this point that there have been no casualties or fatalities have there that everyone is safe i've been checking this regularly and everyone is absolutely fine and safe so um we're

not being inappropriate no i've decided yes uh but what she did say to me i almost felt oh I've got someone at the scene I've rarely got someone at the scene as you know I'm old fashioned and she was telling me that when they'd arrived she said well you know we should have maybe realised something was up because when we arrived at the hotel last night

and the first thing at the Blue Lagoon the first thing they said to us was we had commented on how they used to have these beautiful Icelandic pottery vases, all decorative elements in the hotel lobby. So it's such a shame you've got rid of those vases. They look so beautiful. And apparently the nice Icelandic gentleman working there said, yeah, Fyd, we had It's things have been getting a little shaky here recently. So the moral of the story is if you go to Iceland and someone says things have been getting a little shaky here recently,

a volcano is about to erupt. OK? Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. You're listening to Absolute Radio. It's the Frank Skinner Show. There's no Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. You're listening to Absolute Radio. It's the Frank Skinner Show. There's no Frank Skinner. We're all devastated about that.

He will be back, but I am joined by the marvellous Mr Novelli. I'd watch that kid's film. Oh, that's a kid's book waiting to be written by a celebrity, isn't it? Wow. Marvellous Mr Novelli's Potions Club. Some awful... And he spins off into Piano Billy. D'Amelio's Potions Club. Some awful... And he spins off into Piano Billy. Oh, yeah.

That's the plot. His sensual night-time counterpart, Piano Billy. And I'm with Steve... Hole. Well, this is the thing. I used to be... Many years ago, I was Wikistivia on this show, but Pierre has blown me out of the water in terms of knowledge.

I only ever had basic, average pub quiz knowledge, but the Wikistivia name has had to be abandoned. Do you think Novelli's trumped you? It's not even close. I don't know. None of us come close to Novelli. It's probably like being a parent, my brain is mush and I can't remember anything anymore.

Well, imagine being me, Steve. Some call me old-fashioned, I hear. But I imagine that you're still by far outstripping me on things that people are supposed to know, as opposed to things that people aren't supposed to know. Like, I'm not actually that much use in a pub quiz. But I would say, when it comes to obscure 1970s men connected with Doctor Who,

I think Steve might be the winner. Yeah. And I'm happy to answer that. When we say winner, do we mean the opposite of that word? I was unavailable for comment at this time. Marvellous Mr Novelli, and Steve Hall,

what's been happening with you? I have had to spend weeks solving a minor sort of domestic issue, one of those things where you need to... Don't you air in your dirty linen in public on this show. I was betrayed by my own mattress. And it's been taken weeks to fix. That's no way to refer to your partner. Is that sort of all 70s sexist slang?

The old mattress back home. Having a few problems with the old mattress. One of those pieces of slang where you'd accept it in conversation but you'd frown and think, is that right? Do you know, I might test it out. How's the old mattress? How's the old mattress doing? And just see

if anyone pulls me up on it. See if anyone answers literally or not, and see if it works. Just see if we can get it to start trending on Twitter. Hashtag, how's the old mattress? Hashtag, how's the old mattress doing? Just pretend that it's always been a thing. I don't know what you're talking about. Do youcher has the old mattress doing. Just pretend that it's always been a thing.

Yeah, I guess go, I don't know what you're talking about. But you don't know the old mattress at all. The old mattress? Yeah, it's like ball and chain. You say, oh, yeah, you know, got to keep the old mattress happy. I love my old mattress, yeah. There's a few springs loose here, but that's part of life. I mean, the old mattress went down there for summer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was good. And when you say better half, so where's your better half tonight? Incorporate mattress into that. Yeah, and where's the other side of the mattress? Okay, this is happening. I'm seeing this happening. So sorry, back to you and your old mattress.

Betrayed. Betrayed. By the old mattress? Yeah, by the old mattress. What happened? Well, I woke up in a ditch. I'll explain later. I'll explain in a bit.

I'll tell you what, you certainly will. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Please, by the way, do get in touch with us. Have we heard from any of our loyal readers slash content creators?

You were discussing your friend in the taxi, fleeing, not fleeing, moving towards the volcano. Yes. And Ultra Magnus has tweeted to say, at that time of night, she was lucky to get a cab to go south of the lava, which I liked. It was very droll. Oh, well, it's from Agnes.

I enjoy that enormously. Yeah. Do you think the taxi drivers in Iceland have a sort of stereotypical accent in the same way that you have a sort of, in your head, you have a kind of cockney taxi driver in London? Yes, I wonder if they do.

But there is, have you been to Iceland? No. I'm sure you have. You see, you don't even... Someday. There's something quite Icelandic about Pierre,

wouldn't you say? You'd fit, I could imagine you being a grim, grim and an elder. Yeah. No, absolutely. Desolate.

No, there is something son of, there's something very son of Johnson about you. Johnson, and John's dotier. Yeah, dotier.

Dotier. You've got the dotier. Can you please, is there anything else you'd like to share with us? Ruth Jordan. Oh, I love Ruth Jordan. Asks a fun question. Morning all. We've had some unauthorised praise on the show this morning, which is true.

Is there anything else the team will be getting up to while Frank's away that he usually doesn't allow? Oh, goodness. The mice will play. You've tempted us now, Ruth. There'll be no blaspheming. I'm refusing to blaspheme in Frank's absence. No, oh no, he wouldn't enjoy that.

That would not be good. No, I see us, we're kind of like the supply teachers who are trying to, very eager to please. We're a bit, hey, hey, we can do the lessons outside. My name's Will. None of this Mr. stuff. Yeah, not coming in and saying, OK, what was Mr. Skinner taking you through before?

What else can we say in Frank's absence? Fainting is definitely real. Yes. Papua New Guinea exists. One by one, the sacred cows are slaughtered. And I never really liked the Pope's red shoes. I thought they were a fashion mistake. Do you think?

Let's not go on about it. I like this job. In Frank's absence today, Takis have issued a profit warning. Can we return to the subject of the old mattress? The old mattress.

The old mattress. What was the old mattress then? She betrayed me. I was personalising the mattress like a terrible 70s man and his car.

It's sort of like a murder show where at the end you've been caught. She betrayed me. So tell us more about that. Tell me more, tell me more. Did you get very far? Well, I woke up in a ditch, as I said, but the trouble was

that the ditch was also my mattress. Oh, no. Explain. I'm a very, very heavy man. Need I say more? I'm a very, very heavy man. Need I say more? I'm a very, very heavy man. And I thought I had bought the sturdiest commercially available mattress. What did you go for?

You need the special Henry VIII. Well, I'll tell you. Will you? Yeah. Oh, well, don't hang about. Don't leave us on tenterhooks. You bought the sturdiest... How do you know it was the sturdiest commercially available?

Oh, so much research. Really? It wasn't my first rodeo, yeah. I'm a very, very heavy boy. I want this to be a long-running catchphrase. I'm a very, very... I'm a very, very heavy boy. The marvellous Mr Novelli.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome, you've loved this catchphrase on TV, I'm a very, very... And I can imagine... What am I? A very, very heavy boy. Yay!

I can imagine them also, maybe when they're doing a... They'll put you on the front cover of the Sunday Express magazine and there'll be a picture of you and they will be doing a pun, won't they? Yeah He's not heavy, he's my brother That's what they do

When I discover my long lost brother Now it's getting a bit complicated We gave you a catchphrase Do you know what? Just be happy with that Okay? Okay, Pierre? Now it's getting a bit complicated. We gave you a catchphrase. Do you know what? Just be happy with that. Okay? Okay, Pierre? Okay.

I'm getting a bit sulky. Getting a bit sulky. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Pierre Novelli was telling us about his mattress woes. Being a very heavy boy. That he's a very heavy boy. And the fact that he's a very heavy boy. Yes, and I am. So I thought I'd found the mattress for the heavy boy. Heavy boy's choice.

Oh. And I bought it with that in mind because I thought, you know, you spend half your life on your mattress. Speak for yourself. And if you're very heavy, then it needs to be able to deal with that. And I genuinely, I'd never do this.

And as part of growing up, I've been trying to be more of an adult and do research into important purchases. So I really did find like lists and articles. So I really went for it research wise. And this thing just completely let me down. Within a month, I was waking up in a sort of divot. Oh, wow. Of my own making. What, is it king size?

Yeah, but I would wake up in a... Or for you, that would be normal size. For me, yeah. Was it king size or was it King Henry VIII size? It was Henry VIII size after I'd slept in it because I woke up in this sort of bum ditch. This kind of mad... We've all been there, dear. This mad divot. I'm imagining you in like, you know, the eighth size after I'd slept in it because I woke up in this sort of bum ditch. We've all been there, dear.

I'm imagining you when Wile E. Coyote has fallen off a cliff and it's just the entrance. It was more like, you know sometimes in a movie an actor has to be pregnant for a bit of the film and they wear a sort of mad fake rubber belly. Yes. One of those would have

slotted perfectly into the indentation like a pot filling a pothole i considered buying one for a bit to just to fill in the mattress but i would wake up in this like ditch and it would it was wrecking my back because i was sleeping like but hang on yeah i just want to pull you up here yeah well I needed someone to pull me up. Oh you did, it's some sort of winch. Is this to do with you being a very heavy boy? It certainly is. Well I don't know.

Is there too much memory foam in your mattress? Well it was a top layer of foam and then spring underneath so it was a combo. Some sort of Guinness? Yes, yes it was a Guinness mattress. You see, I got a mattress once. That's what they should call it.

If they had any idea, these marketing people, Guinness should make mattresses. And there could be a top white layer, slightly foamy, soft layer, and the rest of it could be a lovely chocolatey brown. What do you think, Guinness? Text in. Okay. I don't have Guinness with text in okay i don't know if you're people to

speak to our people and we'll make this happen yeah the guinness mattress there'd be a lot of drinkers would like that um i once bought a mattress in a box oh yeah that's it it came in a box or you were in a box no do you know mattress in a box no do you know mattress in a box? No. Do you know mattress in a box? I don't know mattress in a box. Oh, OK. Mattress in a box is pretty much as it sounds. You buy it in the box. It's super convenient. And then you just open the box and it takes about 24 hours. Oh, yes.

I've bought one rolled up like a big cigar. Yes, to sort of evolve. Yes. Mine wasn't like a cigar. Mine was more like one of those pop-up tents, but it took 24 hours to turn into the pop-up tent. Like a nervous pet adjusting to its new house. That's exactly what it was.

Like when a man's moved in with me, cowering in the corner and gently emerging out of the shadows. It was... I found it very unnerving because I was still with the old mattress. It was... I found it very unnerving because it was... I was still with the old mattress. It was like a new partner waiting in the wings

for the relationship to end. And I could hear it. I could hear the mattress evolving in the darkness. I could hear it. I felt its presence and I didn't like it. I thought that it would never stop growing.

Yeah. Yes. You have to pour a sort of solution hear it. I felt its presence and I didn't like it. I'd be worried that it would never stop growing. Yeah. Yes. You'd have to pour a sort of solution on it. Yeah, it'd be a little shop of horrors type mattress that would... It took... It was an evolving life form. Yeah. And then I went in one day and it existed.

It took over and I had to say goodbye to the old mattress. To the old mattress. Unfortunately, it was an emotional goodbye. It's not you, it's me. But I, yeah, that's pretty much what I said to it, but that's private, it's between us. Steve, hold. But what I realised is I opted for foam.

I opted for hybrid. With my new I'm calling it chrysalis mattress because what I realise Pierre is that I need I like the memory foam I like softness

but I must have a hint of bounciness I wonder if you've made an error and you've gone too deep into memory foam territory yeah I think I think that was part of it. I needed a bouncy hint. Is that the worst night's sleep you've had?

Is that the worst thing? The worst series of nights, yeah, waking up in a bum divot. Is that the worst thing you've ever slept on? In fact, I would like, maybe I'll read this context in. What is the worst thing you've ever slept on? 12, 15.

Yes. Yeah. I can, I once, I didn't sleep on this myself, but I once made an ex of mine sleep on a Superman, as I call him, Superman towel. Because we'd had an argument and I was annoyed and I don't think, we'd moved into a flat

and we didn't have much furniture. There wasn't like a proper sofa that you could sleep on, I don't think. And I was annoyed because he'd stayed out all night. So I threw a Superman towel at him. And I said he could sleep on that. It's like the equivalent of the naughty step.

You've got to sleep on the Superman towel. I'm sorry, if you will stay out all night, it's the Superman towel for you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing the worst nights sleep people have ever had and Adam has

texted to say morning to the reserve team he kicks off with. Okay. We've still got our tabards on. Yes, there is something of the tabard wearing high-vis merchant about us this morning

high knee jogging getting ready yes we are we've got something of that about us and Adam says on a rugby tour I swam out to sleep on a fishing boat I slept on the nets

and found out I was allergic when I woke up looking like Veruca Salt. Allergic to netting. Sleeping on the fish netting, though. Yeah. I quite like that. What is he allergic to in the netting? Yeah, yeah.

Plastic? En général? Maybe it's the fish. The residue. Yeah, maybe it's the residue. Let's hope so. We're at the end of his S&M career, if he's allergic to netting. And German Fleet on Twitter has said that his cousin once woke up after a drunken night

out to find he'd slept all night in a putting green sand bunker. Oh, I like that. Which I can imagine might be a nice place to sleep. Cozy. Well, not if you wake up with Donald Trump's face looking over you. It'd be like waking up to the volcano. Ah, there's orange everywhere. As far as the eye can see, molten lava in front of you.

I should say, I feel to be even addressing this subject. I mean, Frank Skinner has already won this hands down, given that he wants to work up on a central reservation. Yes, yes yes and the various waste ground episodes on the form of his life currently the times five stars okay um to put the mattress issue to bed um the old mattress the old mattress i did even more research after i kept waking up in a bum ditch in my mattress and turns out that I'm actually heavier than the average sleeper is expected to be at the maximum range like the most that a mattress

company would expect a person to weigh is about my goal weight at the moment what were you googling how heavy how heavy mattress How heavy mattress America? How heavy mattress Texas? Well, if you're getting into America, that's a whole different world. But I knew that America was the country to solve this for me. None of these thin English men with their little spectacles weighing them down.

No, I needed... Steve is sitting right here. I needed mattresses from a country where everyone has meat for breakfast and milkshakes for lunch. You need mattresses from a country where everyone has meat for breakfast and milkshakes for lunch. You need mattresses from a country where,

I told you this, didn't I, when I went to Mexico on a holiday with my sister and we got on the tour minibus and the woman said

to the charming guide, excuse me, we have an ombre grande with us. He's going to need a little extra help. I need an ombre grande. I needed Ombre Grande.

And I got an Ombre Grande mattress from some weirdos in King's Lynn in Norfolk who forged me a sort of bulletproof wooden bed. They were craftsmen. I imagined it like that scene in Lord of the Rings where they're all pouring metal into the mold.

There's an element of challenge Annika to it. We're going to make this happen. Yes, exactly. This guy needs a bed and he's so heavy. And then sort of like at least a team of hundreds of people assembled at the end in high-vis tabards

crying. Yes, exactly. We made the mattress for Pierre. And I just want to say thank you Nick Knowles and all of the team. Or just loads of workers with ropes and sort of shirtless men forging this bed.

This kind of teams of people dragging it with ropes like in Les Mis. Always be a slave. They made me a bed. It's bulletproof, this thing. It's very, I carried a watermelon. They made me a bed. They made me a bed. It's bulletproof, this thing. It's very, I carried a watermelon.

They made me a bed. They made me a bed. New catchphrase. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Now, I would love to talk to you about matchsticks and the Eiffel Tower.

That doesn't surprise me, Steve Hall. It seems very you. I've been gripped by this story, this unfolding drama this week. I don't know if you saw this story, but a Frenchman called Richard Plod, I'm not sure how that... Plod? Who spent eight years building a massive 23-foot... Sorry, I'm still stuck at Pierre saying plod under his breath.

It sounds like... Plod, plod, plod. It sounds like a Frenchman, Frenchman, like Superman. It sounds like a Frenchman sort of laughing at a British policeman. Hello, plod. What then? Hello, hello, hello, plod. We must scarper it is the old plod

the old bill when like a foreign person has learned vocabulary a generation older than they should have yes absolutely what if a plod shows up we will have to scarper

and can we say Pierre with a surname like Nivelli is allowed to make these jokes yes Nivelli is Italian Pierre is French so I'm covered for two I thought... Well, Nivelli's Italian, Pierre's French, so I'm covered for two silly accents. Oh, yes, you're right. I can do some Giuseppe hand-waving as well.

I've offended the French, the Italians, and possibly some South Africans out there. I do apologise to all three nations. But, yes, I saw this about Richard Blood. Blood. Richard Blood. Richard. Oh, sorry. All right.

I'm guessing. So he spent eight years building this 23-foot model of the Eiffel Tower. Eight years of his life. Do you like that Pierre's laughing and Steve's thinking, nothing to see here, perfectly normal. And obviously he seemingly had done it

to break the world record. It didn't appear to be, he was doing it for the love of the matchstick game. It appeared to be he was hungry for the glory and nothing else. People are in it just for the titles these days. It's a real shame. This was the Eiffel Tower. It took him eight years

to build, am I right in saying he wanted to build the world's tallest structure using matchsticks. He used 23 kilograms of glue, which I presume is why he thought it was a good idea, because the fumes had affected his judgement. But also, didn't the

actual Eiffel Tower, didn't that take about two years to build? So he's basically taken six years longer to build a matchstick Eiffel Tower. A much more flammable Eiffel Tower. Some might suggest a much more vulnerable structure than the actual Eiffel Tower. A much more flammable Eiffel Tower. Some might suggest a much more vulnerable structure than the actual Eiffel Tower.

And then it was not accepted initially as a world record because he had used the wrong sort of matches because he had got bored of cutting off the red sulphurous tips. Well, haven't we all, dear? The quote was he realised that cutting off the tips would be a long and tedious process, whereas obviously the rest of it is an absolute delight. Hang on, Plod. Hang on, Plod.

Also, yeah, I find it a bit strange that... I imagine if you're going into any sort of Guinness World Record, or as I believe they like to be called now, in a slight youthful rebrand, GWR. Yes. Hello, GWR. Great Western Rail, yeah. No, but they call themselves Guinness World Records.

GWR. I think it's a bit strange that it suddenly struck him, I don't know if I can be bothered. I think if that thought process ever enters your head, maybe trying to break a Guinness World Record, you're not the right man for the job. It's an odd place to draw the line. Well, obviously, I'll make an Eiffel Tower of matchsticks,

but I'm not snipping the ends off matchsticks. That's boring. What do you think I am? Some kind of loser? I can't really dare you suggest that. I think that's a lovely place to go into a break, Steve. We are discussing the Eiffel Tower matchstick. Mr. Plod.

I call it the Eiffel Tower matchstick. That doesn't actually make any sense. That would be a matchstick as big as the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, I meant to say the Eiffel Tower matchstick. That doesn't actually make any sense. That would be a matchstick as big as the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, I meant to say the Eiffel Tower constructed of matchsticks, out of matchsticks, and it didn't initially, the Guinness World of Records, they rejected it, didn't they? They did, because it wasn't made of commercially available matchsticks.

It was deemed invalid. And then to rub it in for poor Monsieur Plod, his wife then achieved the world record for the longest and loudest laugh of all time. But it was because he... Apparently, it was because he didn't want to snip the ends off the matchsticks, which is fair enough. Well, because he couldn't be bothered, according to Steve,

which, again, I think might rule him out of the necessary nerdishness required. Well, so he started ordering sort of raw matchsticks from the factory in massive boxes. I wouldn't be at all worried if my partner was doing that. Search history. 10,000 boxes of matches. If they don't have the sulfurous tips, they're not matches. He's ordered sticks.

Well, this is the thing. This is the thing that Guinness initially said. And it is gutting. I mean, imagine going for a beard of bees and finding out that they were the wrong species of bees that you'd been covering your head with. Can I ask a question, Piano Valley? No offence, Steve Hall.

Go for it. But we've both accepted. Absolutely. Pianovelli? Yes. Why is it called... Is Guinness World Records anything to do with the brewery? Yes, they sponsor it.

They started it, actually. Oh, I knew he'd know. It was the brainchild of a... It was a brainchild of a bloke called Hugh Beaver. This is how... It couldn't really be any a bloke called Hugh Beaver. This is how... It couldn't really be any more 1950s. Hugh Beaver, he led... Hello, Beaver here, Guinness World Records.

He led a thing called the Beaver Committee, which sounds like a 1980s teen film. Yes. But it led to the Clean Air Act of 1956 after the great smog of 1952. But this is how 1950s England is. Steve, you know what you're sounding a bit like? You're sounding like the kind of person that might construct a matchstick tower out of 700,000 matchsticks.

And there was some Tory grandee who was involved in funding. Who was that? Because of Emily's showbiz connections, I was always wondering if you ever met Norris McWhirter. That's who it was, yeah. No, but David Baddiel... There's a David Baddiel-Frank Skinner story associated with this. Perhaps our readers can fill us in. I always find it helpful. I always like it when people fill me in

on bits of biographical information about my profile friends. There was some story, David did a show about this, something for Sky Arts. There's a Norris McWhirter story involving David and Frank, maybe. Do you know about this?

Yeah, I vaguely know the story. There's a possibility that that story is too dark for breakfast. Oh, I do apologise. Which ironically would upset Norris McWhirter. That was one of the I think Norris McWhirter made an appearance at David's school.

Oh, yes. And expressed some views that were not necessarily in keeping with the multicultural ethos of that school. Guinness World Record for worst appearance at school as guest speaker. Is it perhaps? It's not worth it.

Let's move on. No, too late. We've lost the moment. That's the worst thing that's ever happened. You know, when Frank gets upset about the jingles not working, I think, why are you making such a fuss? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You are listening to the Frank Skinner Show. I'm not Frank Skinner. I cannot apologise enough for that. But I am here with the marvellous Mr Novelli and Steve Paul. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow us on

X and Instagram at frankontheradio or you can email us via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. We've been discussing all sorts this morning. Volcanic eruptions. Pierre's mattresses. Yes, my betrayal. Your old mattress. My old mattress.

Google it. Yeah. And we've also been talking about the matchstick Eiffel Tower, which took this gentleman, Richard... Richard? Richard Plod. Richard Plod. I believe it was eight years to construct.

And as we've already established, two years, two months for the actual Eiffel Tower. Eight years of what we are calling his life. Of what we're calling... Of of what we are calling his life. Of what we're calling... Of what medically we must term his life. Well, he... So, eventually...

It's not the same size as the Eiffel Tower, either. It's 23 feet tall. I think it's like 1 45th. How tall is that? Give me something to compare that to, boys. Seven metres. It's four doors. Oh, I like that. Do you know what? I can work with that. That's up there with I'm a heavy boy.

I'm a heavy boy. It's four doors. I mean, what kind of doors are we talking? Are we talking the Brunelleschi doors? Yeah, box standard. Oh, we're not talking cathedrals? No, no, no. They're high, those doors, aren't they? They have to get them specially made by the same people who made my mattress, box standard. Oh, we're not talking cathedrals? No, no, no. They're high, those doors, aren't they? They have to get them specially made by the same people who made my mattress, I think.

People wearing sort of leggings and smocks. Peter, what's your favourite cathedral doors? My favourite cathedral doors? Oh, it's got to be Durham every time. OK. Oh, that's a belty. I was in York. I walked past the Minster last week in York,

and that's a beautiful thing. But what are the doors like? The frontage is all very well. Did you notice the doors? So anyway, this matchstick chap, he, oh, wouldn't he hate it if I referred to him in that way? This matchstick man yes i felt the matchstick man got i don't know i didn't feel entirely comfortable with this story and can i tell

you why because originally the uh hello gwr the guinness world of records when he submitted his entry they rejected it as we've established they said, you've used the wrong matches. Yes. Essentially. On a technicality. Well, as I call it, the rules. Yes, yes. OK?

Or one of them just thought, wouldn't it be fun to break this man's brain? Yeah, yeah. What if I destroyed this man's mind? Let's have a little bit of chaos. OK, I'm seeing a little bit of a division arising here in how we view this, because I took those as the established rules which are meant to work within, OK?

Which he broke, willfully, knowing those rules. And the Guinness World Records said, I'm awfully sorry, and I imagine they are the type to say awfully. Yeah world of records said i'm awfully sorry and i imagine they are the type to say awfully yeah i said i'm awfully sorry it's it's it's just not going to to work i'm afraid and they rejected it so what did he do he went on x and he he left a salty tweet whatever you call what do you call it what do you call a tweet now that there's no such thing as Twitter? A post. An excerpt. A post.

He left a post on X. And he loves posts. Anything made of wood, any sculpture. And after this, the Guinness World of Records did a complete vault fast. They did? They did. The Guinness World of Records did a complete vault fast. They did? They did. They said, oh dear, we cannot apologise enough for the distress caused.

Distress. Actual distress, they referred to. He said, well, it's been an emotional rollercoaster, but I never lost hope. They gave it to him, yeah. I mean, which I think is fair. I think if you're Guinness as well. Do you? Well, if you're Guinness, you might be thinking,

people are a lot less bored than they used to be, and we're running out of records, so we can't afford to demotivate these loons. And they can't afford the PR disaster. It was a bit of a PR disaster for them, and they've been in trouble in recent years because they are often courted by authoritarian governments. So the leader of Turkmenistan

is apparently obsessed with getting world records. And Guinness have gone along with it. So the leader of Turkmenistan, their country has the world's largest Ferris wheel and the world's largest horseris wheel and the world's largest horse head statue. And it's a tough competition. And it feeds into a cult of personality.

Oh, it's a bit of propaganda with the Guinness World Record. World's best leader. I'm voted every year. Guinness World Record says. Most synchronised dancing in a parade. Most hair on a leader's head in the history of the world.

Happiest population, no matter what anyone says. Shiniest buttons ever. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've heard from the outside world. Have we? What do they say? The wonderfully named Elvis Precisely has tweeted to say, According to Alexa, today is the 900th Frank Skinner show. Surely deserving of a small fanfare.

He said, I also realise I've been listening too long when I involuntarily sang Mattress in a box, I know, I know, it's serious. It's a happy anniversary. Oh, thank you, dear. Oh, it goes on too long, that end bit. But you nailed a jingle. Let's not bury the lead there. Don't patronise me,

mister. It all worked out. Yes. Well, that's good news. 900 shows. 900. Is there an anniversary? You know, there's like the diamond and platinum.

What do we get people when they turn 900? Again, A1215. I'm happy for people to text in. A uranium anniversary. What do you get when you turn 900? A big, lovely gem of uranium. It's the urani-jubes we're celebrating. Steve.

Have we heard anything else from our friends throughout the week? Because I do like it when our friends get in touch. You know, I'm actually referring to them as my friends now. This is where we've got to now, but they are our friends, aren't they, our listeners? And they've been in touch midweek. Our midweek correspondents? Yes, Adrian and Cheadle Hulme.

Where's that, Steve? It sounds made up to me. Hulme sounds Manchester-y. Stockport. Stockport. Stockport, there we are. We've got it. So Frank was mentioning that he'd visited the Colonel's grave. Oh, yes.

Of KFC fame. Yes. Which I imagine is shaped like a bucket. And so it's not a fictional character, however, but he says regarding graves that are of sort of semi-fictional characters or legendary characters. I went to Verona and they had not only Juliet's balcony in Verona, in quotes, but also Romeo's house. And I kid you not, Juliet's grave where you can find tearful mourners leaving flowers on a regular basis.

Just on Juliet's? Yes. A bit sexist. A bit sexist. Also not real. Just on Juliet. A bit sexist. A bit sexist.

Also not real. Can you imagine the American high school English teachers leaving flowers at their grave? Oh, yeah. A lot of laughing at completely obscure puns happening in that demographic. Oh, they'd love that. As a comedian, I do resent that laughter. Do you? Yeah, you watch a Shakespeare play and then someone goes,

who thinks there's more than a little leather about his brow? And everyone laughs and you go, OK, how many dictionaries am I going to need to understand this hilarious joke? Seven references deep. Oh, beggars would wear leather hats. And so technically what he's saying, and you go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny. You see, I'm struggling to relate to this because I did grow up with a father

who used to really get angry with us if we didn't laugh enough. And what's funnier than that? At the obscure Shakespearean jokes. It shows some appreciation. That's how jokes work. You decide they're funny and then you choose when to laugh.

I would cringe where there'd be some really obscure, like, aye aye but sir and my father would be going ha ha ha awful awful. But yeah actually Adrian in Cheadle Hume

says have any other readers visited similarly oddly fictional places? Yeah or sort of fictional sites. I've seen a sort of every now and then

you get like a sort of a statue of Merlin somewhere or King Arthur or something. I can seen a sort of... Every now and then you get like a sort of a statue of Merlin somewhere or King Arthur or something. I can't bear it. It makes me feel so sick. It really does. It's like things like that Harry Potter platform.

That's the big one. What do you mean? It's not real. That's the big one of our time. That's true. And it is difficult because whenever I see that, people are experiencing joy. And yet I am filled with a rage.

Yes, and if you want to go to the toilets in King's Cross, you have to try and fight your way through a bunch of queuing nerds. So hang on, what happens at the platform? Is it just a pretend thing and we all have to pretend it's real? You take a photo holding a trolley that's going through a wall. And what happens? Do you not go through the wall? No. Why do you go there? Because magic isn't wall. And what happens? Do you not go through the wall? No. Where do you go then?

Because magic isn't real. But what's the point? It's just a waste of life. And when it's the same photo again and again and again, there's nothing. Just Photoshop yourself in. I don't know if anyone's thinking, like, maybe this is going to be the one.

I'm going to go in. Just go to... There are lots of real magical places you can go to. Yeah. Aren't there, Pierre? Go to a lovely cathedral with Pierre. Look at the doors. Look at the doors.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We are in the studio with Steve Hall and Piano Velli. Well, good morning. A bit late in the day, mate. It's been three hours. Yeah. And I want to know what's been happening in the world of Steve Hall. Thank you.

Well, we were talking about bad night's sleep. I've been on tour with Mr. Steve Williams, erstwhile of this parish. Lovely. And it's been lots and lots of fun. And every now and then we find ourselves in a big city on a Saturday night where hotels are expensive. And I have been, given that I have children, I've been trying to stretch the pennies as far as I can.

And if you're a member of a theatre union, God bless Equity, you can sign up to certain theatre dig sites. Oh, yes, of course. And save yourself a large amount of money. So I've used the official ones and they've been brilliant. Really? And I went Maverick in York last... This is last Saturday night. I found for £25 cash, I found a place to stay.

And we were discussing the worst night's sleep anyone's ever had. That was my worst night's sleep. As soon as I entered that flat, every penny that I didn't spend started laughing at me. I was on top of a child's bunk bed with one of those office units that kids would have underneath.

So you had a desk with any writing you wanted to do. You didn't have a desk. I had a desk, but I had the rickety, I'm 47 years old, so climbing up this child's step ladder. Imagine Pierre.

Yeah, I'd like to see you at the top of the Charles Bond bed. Face scraping against the ceiling. I'm five foot ten and my feet were hanging over the edge of the bed. And every time I moved, the whole thing was wobbling. So I was having images of just going through several floors. Was it like sleeping on a ship in a storm? Hang on, was your friend Steve Williams, was he on the lower bunk?

He found, Steve is willing to spend more money, so Steve found a nice hotel. Just a travel lodge. Hang on, was your friend Steve Williams, was he on the lower bunk? Steve is willing to spend more money, so Steve found a nice hotel. Just a travelodge. And I was texting him going, I'm genuinely fearful for my life, I think. I'm about to collapse through a bed. And there was, on the table in my room, there was some nuts and bolts and a latch. When you say my room, I like that you're trying to dignify it. What you mean is your child's bedroom.

Yes, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Did you feel like a sort of very lazy burglar? You just go, well, I'll just lie down. A little lie down. I slept in my clothes. It was that bad. And yeah, there was a latch.

And when I checked in, they said, oh yeah, we were going to attach that to the door to give you some privacy, but we didn't have time. We didn't have time. We didn't have time. We were rushed off our feet building your bed. And your desk area with angle poise lamp for you to do all your revisions. Did you have a little easel?

It was. There were a few things that were clearly from whichever child had used it. There were a few cuddly clearly from whichever child had used it. Maybe some nice dinosaur stickers. Yeah, dinosaur stickers glow in the dark on the ceiling for you. I had a similar experience where I had to sleep in a single bed thing. I say checked in.

I talked to a lady in a doorway for a similar sort of 20 pounds. The concept of checking in is somewhat different now. Checking in. Are you the person? Yes. Checking in is now, hello. Yeah. And she said, oh, you paid, I splashed out, Steve, extra fiver for a double bed.

Very nice. Yeah. And she said, oh, you paid extra for the double bed. And I said, yeah. She went, oh, there's bad news. A very large gentleman stayed last night and I don't know what he did but the bed it was in bits so this is an enormous idea of what he did but anyway he just he just destroyed it apparently and so they sort of

wheeled in this child's bed for me to sleep in and they'd done a creepiest thing in the world they placed it in the exact centre of the room. The bed wasn't touching any wall. Oh. Very exorcism. There's something very Stephen King about that, isn't there? I walked in and I went,

ugh. I bet there was horrible, creepy horror film music. Yeah, there's a way it would levitate halfway through the night. Oh, I don't like that. Something about the child's bed.

I mean, bunk beds in general have always slightly given me the creeps. Even when I was a kid, I remember being sent on a, I say sent, I mean, I elected to go, but it was one of those children's holiday camps, you know, where you'd be sent away and it was those wonderful, darling, you'll do loads

of activities, crafts, performance, some outdoors things as well, apparently, other children do. And then you realise your parents just wanted to go out to parties, and wanted to get rid of you for like two months. But you know what? As soon as I turned up, I remember just seeing the bunk beds and my heart sunk. I thought, how am I meant to work with that?

I don't want some random on a bunk. What am I, a sailor? I'm sorry you had to go through that, Steve. I think you deserve better than that. Thank you. What do you think, Pierre? Maybe. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Steve Hall, you were telling us about your, I've got to be honest, somewhat tragic night on top of a child's bunk bed. Yes, that was traumatic. And then the second worst night's sleep I had, we travelled to Australia for a month over the Christmas period and we went, saving pennies because the Christmas flights were expensive, we went via Vietnam Airlines. Oh, how was that?

You should never book a thing that could be the title of an Oliver Stone film. Yeah. because the Christmas flights were expensive, we went via Vietnam Airlines. Oh, how was that? Which is always a never... You should never book a thing that could be the title of an Oliver Stone film. Yeah. And we had a 14-hour layover in... That's got me cancelling my platoon tour. My magic bullet train. It was a 14-hour layover in Ho Chi Minh City.

And if you're a British passport holder, you don't need a visa to enter Vietnam. If you're Australian, as my wife is, you need a visa. So I was saying to my wife, I was saying to my wife, for several months, you need to sort your visa out. And she kept saying, no, no,

it's fine. I've got more important things to do. They say it'll turn around in a week. Just FYI, Steve Hall is married to Paul Hogan. You call that a visa? We are flaming mongrel. And I was saying, it's not necessarily the most bureaucratically swift of nations,

so maybe... And she got angry with me. You can see where this is heading. We arrive in Vietnam. Her visa has not come through. And I am... But we hadn't told the kids because we didn't want to upset them.

And all of a sudden, she is detained at immigration. Which isn't remotely upsetting or traumatic. And with me having to not say the words, I told you so. How late did she leave then? Maybe three days before we flew. Oh, that's cutting it to the wire. What kind of incredible bureaucratic efficiency was she hoping for?

Do you like the way Pierre and I, I like the way we reacted to that, as if we were visa officials and knew all about it. How long did she leave it, may I ask? Cowboys, cowboys, mate. You don't want to do that. She had 14 hours on her own in Ho Chi Minh City Airport. I took the kids. We got a nice hotel.

The kids had a swim. Oh, hang on. Sorry, you left her there? Oh, yeah, absolutely. I think the Vietnamese border police left her there. Hang on. You abandoned her and went off and had a swim. Yeah, she never got to enter Vietnam at all.

We had a nice time, and I now call her Miss Saigon. That's great. Am I crazy? I have 14 hours in an airport on my own? Sounds pretty good. Sounds pretty good. Have a lot of breakfast. You get moved on.

You're only allowed two hours in a lounge at any one time. So she was being moved all at the littlest hobo. She didn't move from place to place. It's like a Tom Hanks film. Was it? Terminal. Yes. Oh, so she Tom Hanks film. Yeah. Was it? Terminal. Yes. Oh, so she was literally living in the airport.

She will have slept in some funny places. Yeah, yeah. I don't wish to suggest anything untoward about your relationship, but I bet she ended up on some hard surfaces. Oh, absolutely. She would have loved a bunk bed. She'd have dreamed of a bum divot.

And, yeah, I resisted saying I told you so. I mean, admittedly, I have saved it up and talked about it on national radio now. Content, baby. I think it's very kind and sensitive, the way you've dealt with this. And I particularly like the idea of you frolicking in the pool with cocktails

whilst your wife is stuck in an airport terminal being heavily questioned by Vietnamese officials. Marriage. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Boys. What's happening?

We discussed the other day, or I discovered rather, thanks to you and Frank, Emily, Biffo the bear, who looks like a sort of disgusting, long, half-human, half-bear. Awful, disgusting face. All right. Imagine being called disgusting face. If I saw Biffo the Bear anywhere outside of Chernobyl, I would immediately reach for a gun.

I hope anyone from the bear community isn't listening. I mean, the real bear community. The real bears, no. What we discovered, Steve, have you come across Biff of the Bear's work? For a minute, I'd heard it on the show. It was one of those names I was aware of, and I knew there was a connection to the Beano. Yes.

But I realised... Well, you knew Biffo the Bear was one of my showbiz contacts. I realised I'd never actually seen his face. Have you seen it yet? And I have now seen it. He's got... He has rather human...

He's got veneers, essentially, in a bear face. Yeah, he's got horrible turkey teeth. He's got Biffo the Bear. He went to Turkey with a Love Island contestant. With his Beano money. He got all that Beano money. Yeah. And he went for one of those package cosmetic dentistry tours.

He's going to be on the sidebar of the Daily Mail. Under the GC. Do you think that's why all of this... Wearing his red lederhosen. Poured into his red lederhosen. Biff of the bear shows off his turkey teeth. My nightmare dentistry. Maybe that's why his limbs are so long and thin.

It's all cosmetic surgery. He was sort of the Arge of his time. Horrible. But at some point, the Beaner had a meeting and said, what if there was a sort of charming prankster little boy instead of a disgusting bear mutant? I would tell better, and they were right. Do you know, they managed to get,

what I liked is that they managed to get, what I liked is that they managed to purge Biffo the bear of any, of the traditionally menacing characteristics which one associates with the grizzly variety.

Yeah. They, but they, they pushed too far. They looked at Winnie the Pooh and they thought, what about this? And it was wrong.

They were wrong to do it. But Lee... What about when I work with a very posh woman, a poshest woman alive, I'm going to officially call her. She used to come in and, you know, you'd bring things home from... You'd go on holidays. That was a real office tradition. Oh, I've brought some humorous sweets, you know.

Yes, yeah. And humorously named, slightly suggestive sweets. Not her. No. This woman, who had like a quadruple barrel name. And she said, I brought everyone some apples from Mummy's orchard. And I thought, I love this woman. Worst house on Halloween.

The reason I mentioned the poshest woman alive, who was adorable, may I say, was the mention of a bear. She once also said to me we were talking about british understatement earlier this morning she said someone was talking about going to canada in a particular region she was going to she said oh i wouldn't go there i i had a great uncle of mine went there and he never came back from the woods we went oh and she said we think it was a bear unfortunately and you know i've never seen wow the word unfortunately in the same way again briefly share with us this briefly lee says regarding biffer the bear and interspecies hybrids and word cornages i went

down a rabbit hole recently learning about portmanteau words and came across the word wolfin. What does that mean? An extremely rare according to Wikipedia, cetacean hybrid born from a female common bottlenose dolphin with a male false killer whale. Okay. So it's a weird hybrid mutant wolfin. Okay. Whale dolphin.

Do you like the sound of this? Well I'm thinking Marvel Comics Universe Yeah but let's face it, Steve Hall, you're always thinking that every day of your life. Boys, we're going to have to wrap things up now. I have so enjoyed this morning, and I hope you have as well. It's been marvellous. Thanks for having us.

OK, I'll take that. Thank you, the marvellous Mr Novelli, and Steve Hall. Steve Hall. It's been wonderful. We've so enjoyed being here this morning and thank you for listening. Up next is Sarah Champion.

Frank, I'm pretty sure, will be back next week. Be seeing you. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.