The Frank Skinner Show - The Queue

Episode Date: September 17, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Zoe Lyons. The team discuss that leaky pen, string vests and Frank and Emily have been to a local dog show... with mixed results!

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and the lovely Zoe Lyons. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Morning girls.co.uk. Morning, girls. Morning. Oh, morning. Hey, greetings to The Q. If there's anyone listening in The Q.

Oh, possibly. When I say, I wish we had a live feed of The Q, I'm obsessed. Listen, if you're in The Q and you're listening to this or whatever, do let us know because I'd love our queue. When I say the queue, I mean capital T, capital Q. Yeah. I'd love to have our own The Queue correspondent who's down there. Yeah.

How sweet. Brilliant. And let us know if you spot any famous faces. You never know. But I'll set off for any queue anecdotes, any queue-based anecdotes. any queue-based anecdotes. I myself, two weeks ago, queued to see the relics of Saint Bernadette.

Oh. So I now mind a queue. You know how to live, Frank. I'm going to call that a peak queue story. Yes. Well, it's what your priorities are. And I was happy to queue for that. There was a very nice queuing atmosphere, as I'm sure there is in the queue.

How long was your queue? Well, it wasn't that long. OK. I queued for half an hour. Oh, fair enough. That's a commitment. Yeah. What annoyed me is I saw Phil and Holly going in...

Oh, front. Laminates on. They've got a form, haven't they? Yeah, not even Catholics. Couldn't believe it. Just nosy. Did you hear the rustling of laminates? Oh, man.

So, yeah, so I don't... I would say I queued for 18 hours to get Rolling Stones tickets in 1972. I hope I never reach a stage of my life where there isn't something worth queuing for. Do you know what I mean? There is a purity to it, which I imagine appeals to your Catholicism. I just think, I bet you there's a great old atmosphere in that queue most of the time.

I actually went and had a look. I did my version. I went and had a look at the queue the other day. Yeah. Just to see what a really big queue looks like. You see, I get queue anxiety. Do you? Yeah.

How do you fare in Pret-a-Manger? Well, that's the thing. It throws havoc. I just know that if I joined this particular queue, when I got to the front of the queue, I'd realise there was a much shorter queue, just a couple of queue lines along. Very much like in a sort of supermarket scenario

where somebody was a lot quicker and more efficient at getting people through the queue. I'd be like in a sort of supermarket scenario where somebody was a lot quicker and more efficient at getting people through the queue i'd be like i knew i should have moved well i had i had an incident in the saint bernadette relics queue you always do they're touring at the moment by the way right um i think it's mainly thigh bone there was rumors there could be a kneecap we don't know for certain they don't give you the details. But it was, I mean, I don't, I went there in all sincerity and prayed at the relics. I'm not trying to pretend

it was comedy. But I had a woman in front of me, and this is a problem I have in queues. The ones who were looking around at the rest of the queue and stuff. And ahead of them, people have moved forward and there's a gap of, say, 20 feet. And I'm thinking, would you just move forward?

Oh, already that set me off. That set me off. A slow mover in front and a fast mover behind, that's absolute queue anxiety. Guys, I've got an even worse thing. How do we feel? And I don't have to ask how Frank Skinner feels, so let me rephrase this.

Zoe, how do you feel about the queue joiners? Oh, saving my place in the queue. Oh, I have one of those. My family are down there. You and? Yeah. To be honest, in the St. Bernadette queue, there's a lot of love and, you know what I mean? There's a lot of kindness going on.

No, but the saving the place, saving the the place i'm not on board with that my wife will do that with for people or or we'll spot people in a queue that we know and then we'll go should we join them and i were like never never i would rather spend my last days in this queue wow respect than do that respect you're a you're a formal uh. I'm a very formal cue. It's been often said of me, Frank. One of my cueing... You're a formal cue. One of my distinctive cueing activities,

because I refuse firmly to join in with the modern world fascination with luggage on wheels, and I just carry a bag, is I do when I queue at the airport I slide it along with my foot

along the ground that's a every now and again like a horrible dragged Frankenstein eagle foot oh man

but I do love a queue I tell you what if you've got any memorable queue anecdotes, if they're from this, the cue, that's great. But from any cueing you've done over the years. I've got one actually about the Rolling Stones, which I'll share with you soon.

Frank's Cue on Absolute Radio. We've heard from Kate, Frank, who says... Oh, God, I didn't think we'd get in that high on the queue. Fantastic. What does Kate say? She says, when they open a new till, she's complaining about the concept of queuing, obviously, when they open a new till and the people at the back get to it first,

it drives me insane. They should have a system. But I have to say, Kate, some people, when they open a new queue, they just look. The person says, do you want to join a new queue? And some people just look and think, oh, I don't know what to do here.

That's me. You have to reward people who just get in that new queue. It's no good being resentful. You had your chance, Kate. That's all I'm saying. You're the same, Zoe. I'm the same. You don't move across i sort of jitter i jittered again your anxiety i had a i had a weird thing in a queue recently in um munich airport oh yeah and i i was going through what was your queuing for gross yeah you know you know me and my sauerkraut addiction. Take your private jet to get sauerkraut. Like Elvis used to do to get deep-fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches.

I'll go anywhere for a bit of fermented cabbage. So go on, you're in a queue in Munich. In the airport, passport control. I've got an Irish passport, so I'm in the EU queue. The EU queue with my Dutch wife and our little passports. And then there was a British family in front of us with their British passports, but in the EU queue. Oh, no.

Out of date. Yeah, their eyes were flickering back. They were kind of going, do you think we'll get away with this? I don't know if we'll get away with it. Jeremy, just don't panic, Jeremy. Just hand it to the gentleman. If you're a formal room, you shouldn't be in this queue.

And it was wonderful watching them. They did let them go through in the end, but I did tap them on the shoulder and went, you're in the wrong queue. Did you? You didn't. Can I just say, I'm so jealous of you having that moment. I dream of moments like that.

You're in the wrong queue. Well, I went to Legoland. There you go, showing off again. It's like 22 quid to get in Legoland. And I love Legoland. I'm in Miniland at Work of Art. Is it 22 quid? Is that a flat rate or is it children go cheaper?

That's a flat rate. I think Phil and Holly get in for nothing. Oh, my God, the laminates. But anyway, on the way out, it said, have your parking have your parking ticket ready and I thought hold it

so you're charged to park you go to the place and you're charged to park on their car park but you have no option oh no

you can't have it that way well I mean how are you going to get there yeah get a bus to Legoland it's a massive get a fabulous Lego bus from Lego City.

And everyone who drives it has that weird pudding basin haircut. And I thought they probably, yeah, and I thought they probably won't ask, you know, it'll be fine. But of course, I ended up having to. So, yeah, that's horrible when you're in the wrong... Wrong queue. When I queued for the Rolling Stones for 18 hours, it rained all night.

And we lay on the pavement in New Street, Birmingham, and we played cards. And the cards, I do not exaggerate, literally disintegrated in our hands. They literally turned to papier-mâché. Wow. We got so wet. and i remember when i got home i had white pants on and they'd gone black with the the dye from my jeans that had run into them we got so wet but i got second rail rolling stones tickets i'm not sure i'll ever recover from that story bits of it wouldits of it. Would you like to briefly hear about Iona Fowl as one of our regulars?

My mum and I were very British in the queue at Disneyland Paris, waited to have a photo with Goofy, but unfortunately grown men were jumping ahead of us. He's a popular lad. He is. But in the end, Goofy interjected by stopping the queue and gesturing us forward. Really? Respect, Goof. Yeah, because end, Goofy interjected by stopping the queue and gesturing us forward. Really?

Respect Goof. Yeah, because I find Goofy often, if he was to say a fault of Goofy, he's reticent. He lacks confidence. Yeah, my answer is the dungarees. The way he's treated by Pete, the next door neighbour, in that Christmas Goofy. You know what I mean? But I like to hear a bit of self... You've probably read one of those self-assertiveness books at last.

Respect to Goofy. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We haven't heard from anyone in the queue, have we? I'd love to have someone out there in the queue. Do you think they are in the queue? Are they allowed to listen to the radio in the queue have we i'd love to have someone i don't know do you think they are in the queue are they allowed to listen to the radio in the queue they're allowed to do what they like no they are they are not there's queue rules there's one thing they're not allowed to do we

know what that is what's that i think we know already some have done it podging in as we used to call it at school what did you call it you're pudging? Pudging in. Pudging in? Pudging, yes. I don't know why we called it that, but we did. I noticed in the queue they did have that sort of crocodile system, the old you doubling back on yourself. Yes. Again, that sets me off because...

The trouble is it's a lot of eye contact in those ones. Yeah, there's a lot of the same people over and over. And then, inevitably, one of the little gate bits will pop open, creating a sudden vortex into an earlier part of the queue. Oh, no. And that's when I just lose it. I lose it then. Like, somebody's going to go, it's going to go,

they're going to go like Mercury, and if one person goes, they've all gone. I get the feeling that this queue's pretty well behaved. Do you? I'm putting it second only behind the St. Bernadette queue as far as etiquette is concerned. Carry on. You say that, but currently trending on Twitter in the United Kingdom

is hashtag queue jumping. Can I make a confession? Go on. You know what, Sandra? You do every week. I queued for 18 hours for the Stones, as I said, but I also went with a mate to see T-Rex, to get tickets for T-Rex at Birmingham Odeon.

And when we got there, we didn't realise how big T-Rex was. It was an enormous, enormous queue. And they were letting people in 20 at a time, and we just walked in with the 20, and we jumped about 15 hours a queue. I mean, it was a bad thing to do. But, you know, times were different then. Morality was a bit more fozzy.

Frank, I queued for Nick Haywood. Remember him? Oh, of course, yeah. He queued at 100. Fantastic day. How long did you...? Well, unfortunately unfortunately it was when he'd gone solo I think just as Nick. Oh. A confident move. Yeah. Just paired it right down. Just go for the Nick.

Was he called just Nick? I don't know if we just called him. I think he was sort of marketed. He kind of just called himself Nick. It's not a distinctive enough name. Well, nor was Steve who were on the X Factor but it didn't bother him. OK, did he actually do that? Steve Brookstein.

It was like, ladies and gentlemen, the winner is Steve. Yeah, but that's because that... He said it. He literally said that. No, but that guy with the deep voice used to do that. And now, Andrew! And you think, no, don't just say a name. Who are they? I know, but you'd think Steve could have made an effort

to change it. It's just Steve. Steve is not... It's not a Madonna of a name who are they i know but you think steve could have made an effort to change it it's just steve steve is not it's not a madonna of a name it was in neon lights and it was so disappointing there is a channel called dave on the telly i mean it's all in the same thing you gotta have a distinctive name i am so hayward frank i queued um my parents were killing at the hayward gallery i was nick hayward you know that's it you have to rebel and I would say probably queued for a good few hours for Nick

Nick underscore full stop no no it was actually I really like Nick Hayward Frank likes haircut 100 I have to say and don't take this the wrong way I am amazed that you didn't have a contact in the Phil and Holly mode

that could have got you up front in that queue. In fact, not even needed to queue at all. Didn't you just flash your laminate? That's how I... No, not at that age. Do you know what? I think my parents thought things like that were character building. They were the sort of irritating types that if you stole something,

they would make you take it back to the shop and apologise to the person. Quite right. Well, I remember when I first used to do the comedy store, I used to queue with the ponters waiting to go in because I just couldn't face walking, breezing past them. I've done that. I've done that. Oh, we're so lovely

Zoe oh we're lovely got low self esteem I know it's low self esteem but we come over as so lovely and that's important so

Ultra Magnus guys has been in touch oh yeah old mama I'll start again old mama Magnus why am I has been in touch. Oh, yeah. Old Mar... I'll start again. Old Mar Magnus. Why am I struggling to say that? You say it.

Old Mar Magnus. It's quite weird to say. No, Old Mar Magnus. Yes. Queued yesterday up at 4am to join it for 6.55am to see HM at 7.10pm. Very good work. Home at 9pm.

Oh, that's quite a doubt. But that's something she'll talk about the rest of her life. That's my view on it. I suspect she will. I'll tell you what I would queue. I'd queue to see the new King sign an official document. With a Bic. Because one of the highlights

of the week and obviously it's been a difficult week for the country in many ways but the King I'm calling him the King

because there's this thing of calling him King Charles oh that King you know you know what I mean you can just call him the King

also I heard on Absolute News they said on King Charles's car and I thought I don on King Charles's car, and I thought, I don't like Charles's. Do you?

Charles's? What do you think? Charles's. Too many S's. Yeah, it's like a hive, some sort of beehive. There is something strange, though, if the previous person with your job title was Charles II. I know, it looks quite different.

It looks quite different. It looks quite different. But yeah, he was, I'm just calling him the king. I mean, you know, get used to it. Did you quite like it? It almost felt like I was in some sort of 18th report. It was like, God save the king. God save the king. Yeah, but you know what?

I think we've established on this show I'm a bit of a git. And it's good for me to have people in high places who I think, yeah, I get that. And I was watching the first signing of documents when he became king, and I can't really do it on the radio because a lot of it was gestures, but I don't have a silly little tiny table for two massive documents and an inkwell and some pens.

So he was just... I thought he was going to throw it at the bloke. And I know that look from an assistant when they look at you blankly like that. And you're thinking, it was such a case of one job. You got one job. Just give me enough space to sign this. Anyway, the other day in Northern Ireland, best of all,

he's given a pen, the king, that leaks. Oh. Oh, man. And he says, oh, God, I hate this. And then, and then,

and then he says, forgive this, it's a quotation of the king, so it's all right. I can't bear this bloody thing. And the zinc all over his things. And the best of all, for me, I'd like this on a T-shirt. Every stinking time.

Oh, the rage. Yeah. But what's the AIDS doing? One pen required to sign your name and it's leaking. Every stinking time is your accident. Every stinking time. You go away. You should have used a sharpie.

They've got to be sacked, those people. But it's difficult. It's a problem because obviously we know. My mother had a rule, no biros. Yeah. Biros. Oh, your mum too. Oh, she hated biros.

She would never, ever, ever sign your name with a biro she thought it was rude just quills we weren't allowed we had to have so we always had pens in the house she just thought if you're you know when you're signing books to friends and things absolutely i mean when i'm not here i'm sat at the front of my own queue of people waiting for me to sign my... No, I mean when you're giving someone a book. No, no, fair enough. To Zoe, I thought, you know, an inscription. She thought that, so it's things like that.

You have to have a fountain pen for that. But I do, it is a messy business. Oh no, Bob. It's the king signing an official document. Check the pen out. Have a look at it. Don't just stand around. Do you still get those little cartridges in a fountain pen?

You can do that. Or you can sock it straight out the jar. There's an option. If you've got one of those little plungers. Did Quink make anything else other than that? Because they were quite... Do you remember Quink? Of course, yeah.

But that was all they made. Yeah. That's enough, isn't it? Ink? I mean, it's fairly well used. I can imagine them sitting around going, this will never run out. This will always be popular.

But honestly, they might as well have given him a baby squid for what they gave him. Ink all over the place. Every stinking time. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. We were talking about, well, what a week. I'll tell you what, though.

You know, we were talking about Phil and Holly getting in privileged into the front of the queue. I should have been on the telly tonight on Blankety Blank. And I've been shoved for Paddington, which goes to show it's not what you know in this business. It's who you know. Paddington at the moment, of course, untouchable. But, you know, every dog has his day. I'll be back.

Well, you'd better go and buy some clothes. Can't keep trotting out that duffel coat. No, no. The money he's making for Omar Clarkson. Where you were supposed to be sitting would there be just a blankety blank? No, there'll be Paddington in all eight chairs. Oh, OK. And hosting.

No, yeah, Mrs. Jeremy Clarkson's mum, I believe, owns the copyright for the Paddington dolls. I think that's right. Ooh. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's correct. We can check it. We love a celebrity link like that because off-air,

Frank asked a question and I love it when I know the answer. What was the question, Frank? I can't remember. Okay. We were off-air. Let me remind you. You said,

which celebrity's mother invented Tippex? Yes. And it was? It was Mike Nesmith of the Monkees, formerly known as Walhat, and who had a single which I still, it's one of my earworms, I still sing perhaps three times a week,

which is a song called Rio. I'm going to fly down to Rio. Which I just find, I can't get it out of my head. So I decided to have a crush on him because everyone fancied Davey and Mickey and it was my, I'll fancy the drummer because then I won't have to compete with everyone else. No, no, that was Mickey Dolan, the drummer.

Yeah, no, I'm saying Mickey and Davey everyone fancied and I chose mike okay yes yes mickey is suing someone for something interesting at the moment i can't remember what it is we've had some other outside words what's mickey dolan's uh what's his current legal action we've heard we've had some other 12 as well. 8, 12, 15. Sorry. Stephen Vadgamma. Frank, do you think the king was afraid of getting ink poisoning?

Like, we were all told we would get when we were kids if we wrote on our hands or licked the ink on our hands. Yeah, or chewed the pen. Has anyone ever

died of ink poisoning? Is that a thing? I didn't lick a pencil because of lead poisoning. No, I think you have to be a tradesman to't lick a pencil because of lead poisoning. No, I think you have to be a tradesman to officially lick a pencil. Keep it behind your ear, have a little notebook and one of those little pencils as well, not a full grown pencil. I, the other day, I just, I was out and I realised I'd got a pencil behind my ear from

earlier, which I'd just forgotten about I'd just put my hand and I thought oh and I got the pencil people must have thought who does he think he is walking around with a pencil it's quite a long pencil

as well oh no you can't do it with a long pencil it's got to be a short it's got half a pencil where was oh where was it where was the nib

the nib yeah where was the end of it the pointy bit pointy bit pointy you have to go forward yeah there's no other option

I don't know yeah I don't want to offend the other people in the Pointy bit. Pointy, you have to go forward, yeah. There's no other option. I don't know. Yeah, I don't want to offend the other people in the St. Bernard deck here. I don't go nib backwards. I never go nib backwards. No, that wouldn't be aerodynamic if you're pushing rubber forward. I don't know where you put your pencils. I've not done this before. No, I cannot.

Nib forward, rubber back. Have you ever done... I'll remember that. No, rubber at the front. Oh, Frank. That's what we say in No rubber at the front. Oh, Frank. That's what we say in our church. Oh, stop it, Frank. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Zoe Lyons. You can text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio dot co dot u

k. I just saw footage of David Beckham in the queue on the telly. No footage of me in the St. Bernadette queue I noticed. No. Somewhere. He'll be on a CCTV camera somewhere. Well yeah it's not the same is it? Just kicking your bag noticed. No. Somewhere. He'll be on a CCTV camera somewhere. Well, yeah, it's not the same, is it?

Just kicking your bag forward. Not the same. Also, I just saw the king in full uniform. I bet they get the pens right when he's got the sword on. Get the pens right today. He's wearing the sword. You don't want any leaking. Imagine if the sword...

Right! Who used this pen? Every stinking time. That would be great. Frank, we've heard from our wonderful readers. Did I tell you when I met Prince Charles, by the way, when he was Prince Charles? I insist you do.

I met him a few times, but I actually went to Clarence House for a King James Bible anniversary event where he dished out the Bible, so I still got that. Anyway. Did he sign it? He said to me, I think he has signed it. But anyway, he said to me,

yeah, well, the pen was all over the place. Now, he said, are you on YouTube? I said, well, I am on there, but I haven't put my, he said, I've got my own channel now just this week. And he said, I was reading some of the comments and I said don't do that I said exactly what I said really don't read the comments

and he said well I said no honestly and this is I only said this because he was a prince I said I beseech you do not when I said it I thought what am I saying beseech you. Do not read. When I said it, I thought, what am I saying?

Beseech. That's fabulous. At least you avoided saying thee. But whatever you think of the royal family, just human being to human being, I did not want him to look at the comments on his YouTube. Because you can imagine some of the horrors. You don't want to be reading what Wyoming 64 has to say. No, no,

no, no. Nobody does. No good will come of it. But he said maybe I'll get my assistant to vet them. That's a very good idea. Obviously we've now established his assistants are basically rubbish but even so. It's hard to

sort of imagine Prince Charles as he was sort of sitting there flicking through his iPad looking at the comments and people are like, how dare they? No, but he'd be upset, wouldn't he? It'd be horrible stuff. I remember on the way in, I looked at my phone, and you know when you're offered Wi-Fi?

Yeah. And it said it was something like Majesty 121 or something like that came up. I was on his, got offered his Wi-Fi. I'd love it if he had a humorous, slightly cheeky. You know when people give Wi-Fi silly names? I always lose about 12% respect for my neighbours when I see that. Yeah? A whole 12%? It is about 12% because it

just takes the edge off it. It's like things like two gals. Two gals. Two gals. Two gals and a guy. Wife. And I think, oh no, come on, just call it something sensible. I think I had a neighbour who had their password or their neighbour was their Wi-Fi was...

Hillary Clinton's private server, which always made me laugh. Really? Yeah. Oh, well, they'd gone the extra mile. We've heard from the outside world, Frank. Can I briefly share this with you? We have more in coming. 597, Simon of Sudbury, one of our regulars as you know

in a former life at boarding school my friend donal oh sir mcintyre suddenly swung round from his desk in front of me grabbed my royal blue quink ink and drank it i asked why he said from his newly painted blue mouth, chin and neck, that he was thirsty. He suffered no ill effects. That's Simon of Sudbury. Wow. I bet he left his mark on various places after that.

Lovely. I don't even want to think about it. Every stinking time. Yeah. It's good that he suffered no ill effects. His quink, which that was like most people's ink of choice Quink Does he now have to be called Kink?

Lovely Interesting thought Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Did I tell you I saw the queue? I went and had a look at it. I mean, just seeing that many people. Oh, that's interesting.

So there's queues to look at the queue. Well, I just, I happened to be nearby and I had a really good vantage point of the queue. It's great seeing that many people disappearing. Into the distance. Yeah, it is. And not a toilet roll in sight. That's where that, oh, now you've triggered me again.

Oh, no, don't go. What do you do? What do you do? Actually, that was the last time I properly queued, was petrol, obviously. Yeah. Well, petrol toilet rolls, they've been the big queues of, you know, I was once in a minicab on my way into the radio show once going

down um regent street and we passed um nike town is it called and there was young men queuing and obviously i was on my way here so it's like probably half six in the court to seven in the morning and there was young men who clearly been queuing overnight outside the shop and i'd been talking to the woman was um latvian the driver of the car and we'd been talking about she sang in a latvian choir and um she said what i'm gonna do the voice I think it's alright what are those young men doing I said they're queuing because the new trainers come in and they want to be

first to get the new trainers that arrive she made no comment and then about probably 40 seconds later she said in Latvia I have queued for cheese. And I just said nothing.

I just let it be. I thought, I can't think of anything to say that might not be the wrong thing. New release cheese? Yeah. New cheese just dropped. New camembert dropped. Oh, man, an organised queue.

Jordan camembert. The new Jordan camembert. Oh, man, an organised queue. Jordan Camembert. The new Jordan Camembert. There you go. Now, we were just talking about nails. Yes. Because our producer is a bit of a nails woman. She's got fabulous nails. Our producer, by the way, Sarah, got engaged to her boyfriend, Matt, recently.

Congratulations to her boyfriend matt recently congratulations to her that was it was really lovely warm-hearted news to get and she sent a great photo which she won't let me put on social media which is her just sort of casually holding her hand so that the ring is in full just you know my hand just happens to be at the side of my face anyway can i say what a manicure congratulations to uh to sarah and matt but um we were talking about nails and there's this thing now is that women have their nails done maybe men do as well as you know i think gender is merely a bourgeois construct but um they have like the endings a different color do you know what I mean yeah like it's up to collect a French man I was talking to a friend recently you'd got them done red Oh and yeah said what do

you think of this and I said you look, you know, in a typical sort of, a bit like Camilla looked when Charles was going on about the pen. In like, all right. I've never had a manicure. Have you not? Never had a manicure. I'll treat you one day. No, it's embarrassing.

What's embarrassing? No, I've got really stubby little feet. No, I don't like it. No, they shouldn't be embellished. I'm just so relieved that Ikeua was on the end

of that sentence. We've heard from our external correspondents our readers. We have an answer from Ultra Magnus, as you know, one of our regulars. Remember you asked a question regarding Mickey Dolenz. Mickey Dolenz, I'm sure.

I gave him a French international name. You might be right. I always called him Dolenz in the old days. You're right, because it's Ralph Lauren. People often say Ralph Lauren, but it's an American name. In the old days, though, we didn't really worry about foreign pronunciations. So when I talked about Saint Bernadette, she would have been of Lourdes in the old days,

not sort of Lourdes or whatever we're going to call it. Lourdes. I'm trying to think. My nanny used to go to Lourdes. I'm trying to remember what she going to call it. Lourdes. Yeah. I'm trying to think. My nanny used to go to Lourdes. Yeah. So I'm trying to remember what she used to call it. I think I'm slightly put off by my mum saying Lourdes. Well, I've been to Lourdes

and I still don't know how to pronounce it. We'd say Lourdes. I've been to Lourdes as well, of course. Well, we do have some news just in. Okay. Don't call me Justin. I told you about that. But let's get back to Ultra Magnus. Okay. Don't call me Justin. I told you about that. But let's get back

to Ultra Magnus. Yes. Because he has intel on Mickey from the Monkees. Okay. If 3AM want to pick this up by the way, some hot monkey news. He says, I believe Mickey is suing the FBI for access to the file they have

on the band. Oh yes! That's what I remember. What could possibly be of interest from that access to the file they have on the band. Oh, yes. That's what I remember. What could possibly be of interest from that fan? They thought the monkeys were sort of symbolic of an alternative society and could corrupt youth. Wow. You've got to love America, haven't you? The monkeys?

No, you're alright. I believe Mickey Dalenz was some part of the creative team behind the Metal Mickey TV show. Do you remember Metal Mickey? About a lovable robot? Was I really angry? Did he have wiry hair? Or am I thinking

of the Smash robot? Yes, you're thinking of the Smash. Metal Mickey was... The theme tune was... It's Metal Mickey. He's a lot of fun. Is he? He was rather irritating, I think. I won't say well, anyway. He was also in the sort of maybe even 50s TV show Circus Boy.

I think Mickey Dolan starred in that. I don't like the sound of Circus Boy. Yeah, Circus Boy. I think Mickey Dolan starred in that. I don't like the sound of Circus Boy. Yeah, Circus Boy was great. It's a bit problematic, Circus Boy. Always a topper, an elephant. We didn't know then. What was his turn? I think he helped out.

What was the narrative arc of Circus Boy? It's a long time ago, but as I recall, it was the days when people ran away to join the circus. I think he was part of the circus family. Like the Flying Graysons, where Robin began his work. Robin and Larry? Robin and, as in Batman.

Oh, right, yeah. Robin and Larry, who's that? Larry Grayson. I got Larry, who's that? Larry Grayson. I've got confused. Who was Robin? Oh, I've mixed up my genres, sorry. Hang on. Who was Robin then?

Who was Robin and Larry? I don't know. Didn't you say Robin Grayson? No. No, Dick Grayson was Robin. Oh, right, that's where I've got confused. Oh, no, no, we've got Larry Grayson. Larry Grayson was Batman.

You know, I don't like this soup. OK? You can't have Robin in with Larry Grayson and Dick Grayson. No, sorry, he got all very confused. Let's just relax. OK. Where were we? Where did this even emanate from?

Well, we were talking... Don't ask me questions like that. I can't go that far back, but I will tell you quickly that the bald barber in Weymouth says, Hi Frank, we're off to London tomorrow after numerous trips to Legoland, aka Q-land, we are professional Q

specialists, so it's no problem. Okay, so he's going to Legoland. I like a PQM. £16 to park nearby and £8 standard parking. That's all I'm saying there, Baldi Barber. Was he called Baldi Barber? Baldi, you've had it now.

What was he called? The other insulting element on the end, it's Bald Barber. Oh, sorry. The Bald Barber. Sorry, I thought he had that. And you called him Baldi Barber. No, I called him Bald E Barber. Use all his initials.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I'm sure there must have been Eric bald Eric Barber oh god I've upset the old where's he from Bournemouth

no Weymouth just leave it Frank oh man he was a baldy barber maybe there is a baldy barber in Bournemouth

you only move there for the alliteration Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio you already moved there for the alliteration Can I just say by way of a plug I've been watching on Sky Arts Guy Garvey's something from the vault or something and it's archive of popular music

so it's got things like on scene footage of Kate Bush's first tour, an amazing Russell Harty interviewing David Bowie. What? Wow. With Russell Harty saying, I know you're sort of spiritual, would you live in God, do you pray? And he said, yes, I wouldn't enter into that for a 20-minute interview. I thought, wow, brilliant stuff.

No, it's great. If you like popular music, and I'm assuming if you listen to this, you do, Guy Garvey's fault. My only problem with it is the picture of Guy Garvey that they use on the titles and that. Guy Garvey, for some reason, has decided that he has to look a bit... don't mess with me. And I think, Guy, relax, mate.

Yeah, I always think of cardigans when I think of Guy Garvey. Do you know what I think? I'm talking about the elbow. The elbow finger, yeah. Tell you what I think of, though. A sort of a black shirt, maybe sleeves rolled up, a little bit of perspiration.

No judgement. Gentle perspiration. But he's really good on this. He's really good on this show. He's a great guy. You don't need the aggressive publicity shot. No. Smile.

Have a smile, guy. I know the trap he's fallen into there because occasionally I have publicity shots and I think if you've had your makeup done there's a light on you your ego can just go and i'm like right i'm gonna make this my there's more to me than meets the eye there's more there is more to this woman yeah i'm afraid i do the big wide eyes i still do that yes i know you do do the wide eyes I used to do it just to look like I was

you know full of energy and funny and now I do it some sort of proof of life yeah yeah

yeah and also it smooths out the wrinkles quite a bit if you really do like a big open eyes and open mouth well you know my godmother

taught me ah yes what was that do you know who Emily's godmother was, Zoe? Who was your godmother? She was a 70s pop star. I'll give you a clue.

She'll be before Zoe's time. Won't somebody dance with me? It's pre-Zoe's era. She's slightly too up before your time, I think. She was called Lindsay DePaul. She had a little beauty spot here. She was a very glamorous woman. Yeah.

And she taught me, she said, Emmy, when you get your photo taken, always put your tongue behind your teeth. Why? So I've always done it. Hang on, hang on. It lifts your chin.

Oh, does it? Oh, game changer. You see, I like having my tongue, I like my tongue slightly lolling out to one side because i've reached that point where in photographs i can look a little bit like a sharp hey you know the fold yeah the dog with the folds oh yeah yeah and it's um a little bit a little bit i'm going to say turkey neck A little bit, I'm going to say, turkey neck. Well, I saw happily a home video,

not anything for public consumption of me on the Heath, and I had a wind-affected throat. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. So that's a game changer. Frank, this is lovely. Just briefly, 400 has texted us. 4-double-0.

Can I just say I'm 30 years old and I've always had a small crush on Frank. I don't even know where it began or when I first knew of him. But I love listening every Saturday. Now, I don't even know where it began or when I first knew of him but I love listening every Saturday. Now I don't normally read praise but the reason I'm reading that is we could all do with a little lift and I thought it would be nice for you to hear

that someone's got a crush on you. I liked the slight disclaimer on the crush and that it described as small. A small crush. More of a sort of squeeze. Yes. A gentle squeeze.

I mean, I feel safer for it being small but also. Zoe, I also like that she felt the need

to slightly undercut it by saying I don't even know where it began. No, I thought people would be saying why. I also thought

she could have quite happily put obviously before small. But anyway. We've trip advised here. I'll take what I can get. I also thought she could have quite happily put obviously before small. But anyway. We've trip advised here. I'll take what I can get.

Yeah. It's like when people say to you, you're my weird crush. You're like, oh, it's weird. You know who said that? I saw an interview where I was someone's would but shouldn't. And who was that person? Sue Pollard. Oh! She was a very good family friend of ours, thank you.

Oh, well, OK, but, I mean, surely me and Sue are in a similar position on the league table. She doesn't have, you know, you don't have to slum it, Sue, to... Anyway, I did this morning, before it was spoilt by privilege, and she came on in full pantomime, you know, the principal boy.

Yeah, regalia. All that, all legs out and all that i said that's an amazing outfit and she said oh i know you're men you're and then i can't say the next word your compass and i thought i've never been so insulted in all my life by sue paula oh miss cathcart anyway right you know that how i knew. She married my Uncle Peter, who was... She married a policeman, didn't she? No, she was married to my Uncle Peter. It was called my Uncle Peter because he used to be the partner of my Uncle John.

It was that sort of family friend uncle. So Uncle John was my godfather. He was married to... Not married in those days, obviously, but they lived together, him and Uncle Peter. And then they split up. And my parents said, Uncle Peter and Uncle then they split up, and my parents said, Uncle Peter and Uncle John are splitting up, and Uncle Peter is marrying Sue Pollard.

Wow, that was very much against the time. I mean, we all had that as our childhood conversation. Yeah, well, he robbed Peter to pay Pollard. Ah! I, um... Oh, Heidi, hi. So, listen, me and, um... I watched a bit of Heidi, Heidi. I watched it because, you know, my partner had two crushes as a child, Richard Bryars and Ruth Maddock.

And I watched it and Ruth Maddock was, I thought she was stunning. Something for both of you. Stunning. She had a great pair of pins. Well, of course, yeah, it was all white shorts at Maplin's. Oh, yeah. OK, so I was just about to tell you a story, and the producer's done that thing,

she pinches that fleshy bit just under the back of the armpit. Oh, yeah, my mum does that. Which means, shut up now. Yes, apparently Don Revy used to practice that on corners in training. I was very briefly a front row member of the York University women's rugby team and I wasn't a natural prop, so to get out of a scrum situation, I would just pinch the girl's underarm in the row in front of me. Yeah, yeah.

Every week Zoe's on, there's some sort of revelation. I would say it's every stinking time Yeah This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Zoe Lyons You can text the show on 81215 Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk.

Now, first of all, we're eating a lovely cake which was cooked by Faye, the assistant producer, who was quite a baker. That was an exceptional piece. Fabulous baker. Quite a baker. We're all very angry here that we think she's been kept out of the great British bake-off because she works in the media.

Yeah. That's what we think. Her unfair advantage. I mean, that's like when I once got a letter from Reader's Digest with a man saying, I've worked for Reader's Digest for 20 years. I would love to be part of their prize draw, but I'm not allowed because I work for Reader's Digest. He said, so when us non-eligibles hear about people

who've been contacted and haven't bothered replying, we're shocked. And I thought, don't make me feel bad about not joining the stupid Reader's Digest draw. Shut up! What am I going to win, a Basildon Bond writing pad? Oh, lovely. Actually, I wouldn't mind one of those.

No, that's quite good quality. Yeah, that's a bad choice, because I like stationery. Do you remember, that was the height of chic, wasn't it, the Basildon Bond? Well, look, as I've said on this show many times i love stationery and this morning and like every day is a school day i didn't know until father baker um father baker announced there was such a thing as a mouse for tippex a tippex yeah it's not a mouse for Tippex. It is a Tippex mouse, which is slightly different. I didn't know either, because when Frank and I were using Tippex, we had to get out some Gauguin paintbrush.

Yeah, exactly. And you'd put thick Tippex around the edge of it. It turned into a sort of chimney, chimney, chimney. It looked like a sort of awful chimney sweep. When I had my manual in those days, me manual typewriter, I favoured the XXXX straight through it. My father did that.

It's very Norman Mailer. Yes. I like that. Norman Mailer, of course, the most masculine man who ever lived. When he went to cover the Ali-George Foreman fight, he was on something like the 10th floor of his hotel. And that was where his room was.

He went out onto the balcony and looked at the narrow wall on the edge of the balcony. And he said, I knew that before I left, I would have to walk. I'd have to tightrope across that just to prove that I could do it. And he does. Now that's when testosterone becomes... But he did it. I've never looked at a narrow wall

and thought I'm going to have to tightrope across that. On the 10th floor? No, I've never thought that either. If he was with Miley, he'd be forced to do it with him. That's why we stopped hanging out. Yes. It's just got too much of a liability. Also,

the letters all the time. It was a high maintenance. Send him me three letters a day. Three? That's how he got his name apparently. Anyway, what were you... I just want to share this with you. We've got a bit of Q news, haven't we? I just want to share this with you, yeah. The Q, capital T, capital Q.

This is from Rob C. Wynne. Okay. I don't know if that's any connection to... I don't know, it's a child of Rab C. Nesbitt. Oh, okay. They decided to play around with it. String vest, you were imagining? Yeah, loved it.

I'm always imagining string vest. From Bidford on Avon. While I'm doing this, can you please think about who sits in the string vest chair currently? Ooh. I will, but I'd also like you to focus on... Linda Lussardi, that brings to mind.

No, I think it's still Rabsy Nesbitt, potentially. You know why? It might be, yeah. If anyone's got any other string vests... Could you still go out and buy a string vest now? Do we? Oh, are you... What are you asking me? Well, you had a

weighted t-shirt the other week. I just feel you know more about t-shirts. Yeah, I can see you at pride. In a string vest. In a string vest with some sort of, you know, statement brassier. Can I make it absolutely clear? I didn't say

Zoe in the sense that you looked like you'd wear a string vest. It felt a little bit like that. I thought that's exactly what happened. I did not, Frank. I didn't mean it. I just thought it was the fellow female in the room. I wanted some help. Would you go commando under a string vest?

No, not if you're a lady. You'd have to layer up, wouldn't you? Otherwise, I would... But I'm thinking of other gentlemen. If I went commando under a string vest... I don't want to finish the sentence. You know when you see string beans under netting? Yeah.

It would look like that. Commando under a string vest would be like feeding a gerbil through a cage, wouldn't it? You'd just get the little pink noses popping out. It used to be very thick, the string on the vest. It was rope. I think commando under a string vest sounds like a very bad guess on catchphrase. Now, we've gone further into string vest territory

in the break. Well, I can't really let this go, Frank. You said off-air, at one point, you were saying, well, my dad and I, you know, we both wore string vests, and then, you know, we just wore them for sort of functional reasons, and then string vests, sexy people started wearing them. That's right. Sexy people started wearing string vests sexy people that's right sexy people started wearing string vests um can we I'd like to do a couple of minutes on sexy people well well I don't obviously I love

my father and I love me but I don't put us in the sexy people category But I think as Zoe Lyons pointed out, Bananarama. Yeah. Which I don't know, we haven't checked this, but I reckon it's a pretty good call. You wouldn't call it a string vest, it would have been a teabag top.

I haven't heard of that, I thought it was something very different. No, I think that's a smaller hole, isn't it? That's like... Well, it's more of a perforation. Yes. Airtex. Yeah, but it was based on theforation. Yes, air techs.

Yeah, but it was based on the string vest. But I'm on about a full-on thick string vest. I'll tell you what I'm thinking. When I think of string vest, I'm thinking of Eddie Yates in Coronation Street. Yes, but I'm thinking sort of Kate Moss in maybe a lemon string vest. A lemon string vest.

With a sweat pant. Thinking of the sexy people. There you go. The sexy people. You've got to put Kate Moss in that. Yeah. Oh, I love Frank. Advertising coat, now I notice,

on big posters. Who knew? Yeah. Can we briefly discuss, if you remember, Zoe, I sort of trailed Rob C. Wins from Bidford-on-Avon's communique with us. Yes.

Oh, yes. Unlike the great Magnus, I didn't finish. No. So, I will. I was in a supermarket queue in Lisbon. I like it so far. Yes, lovely. I love the first line of a

first phrase or line of an anecdote i'm already thinking natter cakes yeah but that i just think that's a great what was it again just give us that again i was in a supermarket queue in lisbon i loved it yeah one of my favorites i had lunch with sir alan sugar and he Sugar. And he said to me, he said to me, I remember. People ask me why I'm friends with him. That is the reason. And he said to me, I remember when I signed Jürgen Klinsmann for Tottenham on my yacht in Monaco. That was the opening line of the anecdote. Fantastic? Fantastic. Well, wait till you hear. I omitted to even tell you

the subject line. I saved that up for you of Rob Seawind's mail. Go on. Git family in a queue. Now, this is sounding good. Git family. A whole family.

Oh, man. From generation to generation. Here's my Leroy. Git kids. Oh, the git kids. Okay, let's of them. Oh, man. From generation to generation. Here's my Leroy. Git kids. Oh, the git kids. OK, let's hear them. I love a git baby. I was in a supermarket queue in Lisbon.

A Portuguese man behind me told me he was in a rush. He was with a pram and had one item in his hand. No problem, I said. and had one item in his hand. No problem, I said. He moved in front of me and proceeded to take many store items from the bottom part of the pram. Oh, smuggling.

And put them on to the conveyor belt. Yeah. His partner then joined with more store items from a basket to add. It was a Machiavellian queuing ruse they most probably did every time they shopped, every stinking time. I was dumbfounded and showed my displeasure by being British and saying nothing, excepting I'd been played by this git family. I would have...

I think I would have slightly slammed down the grocery separator. The separator. You'd use that as an act of sort of passive aggression, wouldn't you? That's as far as it would have gone. You know what I would have done? What was that? I would have said, I'm sorry, I didn't realise. Sorry, did you have more items?

I'm sorry, I think maybe you'd... I would have gone full-on pasta. Yeah, I don't know if that translates. To the Portuguese? No, I think it's too much nuance. You can't play that much nuance. What would Zoe have done? I would have done absolutely nothing.

Respect. Nothing. Nothing. It is a weekend to celebrate Britishness in all its forms. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, we

were talking before about Faye the Baker and cake and not being allowed on Great British Bake Off because of her connections. You're making it sound like something out of Balamory, Faye the baker. I think it's Free Faye. It's going to be, we're going to stand outside the,

what they call Love, is that name of the production company? I don't think we should, this is, it's a sort of oppression. But is it going to be one of those demonstrations like they have on Brookside with three people, extras with very, two neatly painted signs going free, first. No, I can't imagine public sympathy being more fired up than someone saying

that this person isn't allowed on because she works in the media. I think people would feel that was really bad form. Anyway. The person who else is a cop. speaking of the Great British Bake Off, Emily and I went to an event in Hampstead, which is an area of North London. I am familiar.

Liberally. I'm speaking to the world. Oh, sorry. I forgot about them. He's been hanging out with his mate, the Archbishop of Canterbury. That's what the microphone's for. That's why he said that. I mean, you told her on air.

I've weeks, I've been... Oh, it's all falling into place now. Oh, man, you've revealed your string vest stuff and everything. So anyway, we went to the Great Hampstead Bark Off, which was a dog show. Do you want to share some of the categories? The one that Cathy made me enter my dog into. Well, yes.

So, as you know, probably, right, Emily has a dog called Ray, and he was entered into Mr. Hampstead. Mr. Hampstead. Yeah. That's going to win me a lot of friends, isn't it? Me the winner of Mr. Hampstead. And my dog, I entered into Miss Hampstead. You went bold with the categories. Well, we didn't invent the categories. We didn't choose them. I don't make the rules. Okay. Okay. There was a Waggy's Tail, a Golden Aldi and... I wasn't touching

that. I was not going near that. And perhaps the most hamstered category of all time, International Rescue

Dog. International Rescue Dog. The ones that have been brought in from other countries. Wow.

It was a bit stingray, stingray. No, that's International Rescue Dog. It was Thunderbirds. Oh, I'm sorry, Frank, and I trust you on this. Anyway, I don't think I've ever been more

gotted and outraged for any kind... I know I've sat through many award evenings where I didn't win. And obviously that's frustrating when you know deep down you're the funniest person on the planet. But this, my dog wasn't even looked at and ignored. It wasn't the judge didn't, the judge, I'll be, I'm going to up front it. The judge was the very talented British actor, Peter Egan.

And can I say this about Peter Egan? He was the judge who completely ignored my doc I was in a play I was in art the play art with Peter Egan I know you were saying that quite loudly not just that but I wasn't cast with him

I'd been in the previous cast and because they were in crisis because of illness to various understudies I stepped into my part six weeks on I was in Ed's diner having cheesy chips of illness to various understudies, I stepped into my part six weeks on. I was in Ed's diner having cheesy chips and I went across and I did the part, you know, the trooper.

Yeah. To help, amongst other people, Peter Egan out. 22 years later, he blanks my dog. Wow. Is that fair? You're just not saying that's going to happen, do you?

Any of that. Any of that any of that i thought you know we haven't had a dog long when i went into dog world i thought it was going to be a fairer more democratic place yeah it turns out it's as seedy as those 1950s beauty contests you used to get at british holiday resorts do they still have to do the swimwear round? They didn't do that, no. But honestly, I've, in justice, it's, I was genuinely,

and I am, genuinely upset. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So that's what happened to my dog. So your dog was overlooked?

Overlooked. Not even looked, I mean, not even overlooked. Peter Egan wasn't the only celebrity judge dog was overlooked? Overlooked. Not even overlooked. It was Peter Egan wasn't the only celebrity judge, was he? No, no.

There was also? There was Gail Porter and Michelle Collins. And a celebrity vet. But I think it seemed to be they were there as a presence, whereas Peter Egan seemed to be properly

on the floor judging. You're absolutely right. He was very much an authority figure. I think he's, I mean, to respect him, he's an enormous dog lover. He does a lot of good work.

And he does a lot of good work. But on this day, he did bad work. Did he do that thing where he held the tail up and supported him? He didn't even see the tail. He didn't even come over. Okay. What else happened, Frank? Well, I got, if you enter your dog in the competition,

you get a sort of goodie bag, entrance goodie bag. And mine, ours included various treats. And best of all, a squeaky flip-flop. Ooh. When you say best of all. That'll become irritating. No, no, but she's taken to it. I presume it's not one you wear become irritating no no but it's she's she's taken it's not one you wear no no it's one you bite oh okay right i um i i dated a photographer many years

ago and she told me that she was working in the dart room and she had a staffordshire ball terrier she was looking after and she gave it a squeaky toy to keep it occupied while she developed some prints and she was in the dark room and she could hear the dog biting it and she said after about 20 minutes she had where he pierced it what about when uh anyway hold, hold on. Hold on. Never mind what about. What about your dog? Oh, Ray. So Ray, top ten he made. Top ten. Top ten.

Out of how many? And I'm talking probably 70 entrants, I would have thought. Oh, so you're viewing it through that sort of positive prism. I am disgusted. It's disgusting. Remember, I'm standing on the loser's pedestal. Yes, but I went in there. I intentionally took Cathy's

and Frank's dog walker, Kane. London Dog Walking Company. I'm not being paid. I just happen to think they're very good. Can we mention Chris, who also walks for them and who's a big fan of the show? Oh, I love Chris, yeah. I took Kane in. I think, Kane's an attractive man. I don't think he'd be offended by me saying that. And I think, I thought Chris, yeah. I took Kane in. I think Kane's an attractive man.

I don't think he'd be offended by me saying that. And I thought he might be an extra appeal for the judges, maybe. Didn't work. I took him in. I was pushing him forward. I was being quite pushy. To get to that final ten was so painful. It was like losing to Germany on penalties.

I felt sick. who was ray beaten by well i don't know i couldn't even look after what happened to uh when i got to the final 10 though frank was very generous in defeat it was very magnanimous of you because let's face it your dog it was embarrassing there was no. Frank punched the air for me. It showed you in a very good light. You punched your fist and he started videoing it. No, I was waving my fist at Peter Egan. So, yeah, I didn't win. Frank didn't win. I know that feeling, yeah, I didn't win.

Frank didn't win. I know that feeling, though, because I have also entered my dog Groucho into a dog show in Hove a couple of years ago and he was completely overlooked and I was a bit aghast because I think I assumed... You don't know this

because we're up in London town at the minute, but down in the West Hove to East Port Slade area, I'm quite a big deal. Oh. And I just assumed. Mavetov. Yeah. I just assumed. Yeah, you did.

That would be enough. I'd get some sort of a nod. Okay. And nothing. Absolutely nothing. Oh, dear. I'm sorry to hear that. How did Groucho take it?

He wasn't happy. When they made the announcement, he said, well, that is the worst thing I ever heard. Did he go up to the other competitors and say, any club that wants you as a member? Exactly, yeah. He wrote to the Kennel Club and said that. Yeah. Now, I wish he would.

Yeah. Now, listen, Frank, we've had some missives through regarding the string vest. Oh, yes. Have they identified any sexy string vest wearers? Well, we've had Ian J. Robinson. I'm afraid they're limited only to fetish shops these days. Oh, no. Oh, those black ones, aren't shops these days. Oh, no.

Oh, those black ones, aren't they? Yeah. Black string vests. Nice. Oh, you get them around the Soho area? Yes, you do. I was on a silver mannequin. What's that? Yeah.

What's that about? Why the silver? Yeah. Why is the silver mannequin the preserve of the fetish shop? Who needs a gas mask? I don't know. It's just handy. But why is those shops associated? I don't know. Why is

those shops associated? Why do they think the future is sexy? What do you call them? Frank's sexy people. Why do sexy people gravitate towards the silver mannequin? I don't. I've never noticed that. It's a fabulous piece of observation. It is actually. And don't make the same mistake I do.

Don't wear your sexy vest, swing vest outside on a hot, sunny day. You'll get terrible sunburn marks. Oh, yes, of course. Awful. OK. I've never owned one, but that won't come as any surprise to anyone. Well, imagine string vests on burn marks.

I'd rather not. You look like a trellis. Yeah, yeah. Linda Denigan. Geoffrey Hughes as Onslow in Keeping Up Appearances. My earlier Eddie Yates reference, just showing my age bit there. Linda Denigan Geoffrey Hughes as Onslow in Keeping Up Appearances my earlier Eddie Yates reference just showing my age bit there

a lot of Onslows, a lot of Rabsy Nesbits we've also had some Q news, when I was in the Q on Thursday I met a history student whose favourite period is the Anglo-Saxons this is from Shelley Goldring

I thought it would be a lovely friend for Frank sadly he's not heard of you Here it is, the Anglo-Saxons. This is from Shelley Goldring. I thought it would be a lovely friend for Frank. Yes. Sadly, he's not heard of you. Oh. I literally saw his face fall then. But he has now. It's been a week of disappointments after the dog show.

I also met a lovely lady who I affectionately referred to as the American. Oh. It's been a real community, hasn't it, the queue? I wonder if people will keep in touch, the queue friends. There'll be Christmas cards sent after this. Yeah, how nice. Quick string vest, bulletproof 1979, one of our regulars, an old boss of mine came to the work Christmas party in nothing but a string vest and shorts

as a silent protest about not being allowed to do the DJing at the event, he left the company by mutual agreement soon afterwards. Yes, I mean, it's a silent... It's a silent protest that roars. Yes. I am remembering that. Oh, I'm using that at some point. Thank you so much for listening to us this morning.

I missed it last week. And Zoe, it's always fabulous to have you here because you are fabulous. Thank you. So if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. again this time next week. Now get out!